I Found A New Source Of Energy, Queen Beryl!
by The REAL Doakes
Summary: Jadeite found a new source of energy. Queen Beryl is on crack, and all four Shitennou are alive and up to their regular goofy antics. A series of wacky one-shots about the Shitennou's energy gathering adventures! o0o0o0o00o00o0oo00o00o0o0o... APRIL FOOLS SPECIAL ...o0o0o0o0o00o00o0o0o00o0o0o0o
1. Trash

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"SUCK IT JADEITE!" barked Queen Beryl.

"Wa?!" he was surprised and ashamed.

"You have failed me, Jadeite."

"Wut? I haven't even tried to get energy yet!"

"That's the point you bozo biscuit boy!" Queen Beryl scolded.

"Pls Queen I'll do gud!"

"Nope! It's too late for that! You're gonna walk the plank!"

"NUUUUU!"

"YE!"

Just then, Nephrite teleported in with a bucket of popcorn. "SHIT! Was I too late?"

"Screw you Nephrite! Go away!" Jadeite yelled.

Nephrite boo'd and threw his popcorn down, warping away.

"Does that mean we have to leave too?" Said Zoisite, popping out from behind Queen Beryl.

"YES GET LOST QUEERS! Who else is behind there!?"

Zoisite and Kunzite warped away. As did evil Prince Darien, a bunch of random monsters with popcorn, and Queen Metalia.

"ANYWAY," began Queen Beryl.

Everyone reappeared behind her, laughing and placing bets.

"THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE, JADEITE! FAIL ME AGAIN AND I WILL EAT YOU! I MEAN KILL U & STUFF."

"Yes, Queen." He warped away.

Then he warped back. "Ok, Queen, I have a new source of energy!"

"Sounds legit! What is it?"

"I found out that humans put a lot of energy into throwing away garbage."

"Go on..."

"So, if we fill their houses with garbage, they'll have to keep cleaning!"

"Go on..."

"And then..."

"Go on..."

"We will leap out and STEAL THEIR ENERGY!"

"Go on..."

"No that's it."

"Go on..."

"No like that was the whole plan."

"I see. Go on..."

"Queen Beryl are you doing okay?"

"Yes. Leave me alone Nephrite."

"Queen, it is I, Jadeite."

"Who?"

"Your most loyal Shitennou. I have been by your side for thousands of years."

"Go on..."

"?"

"Nephrite if you aren't back with the energy in 4 minutes I will kill you."

"Ok cya!"

Nephrite looked around after Jadeite warped away. "She won't actually kill me out of confusion, right?"

"WHO SAID THAT?" asked Queen Beryl. Nephrite let out a yelp.

"YOU DO THAT JUST ONE MORE TIME SAILOR MOON AND I'LL ACTUALLY TRY TO KILL YOU!"

"I think she is on crack," a rando youma suggested.

"WHO SAID THAT? I'll kill you one by one until I find out!"

"Uhhh, I think Ima go halp Jadeite, I can't deal with this no more," said Nephrite, poofing away.

"But that was Jadeite?" asked Queen Beryl.

"No Queen Beryl I think you accidentally did crack again," suggested Kunzite.

"Oh look it's the gay one. I should kill him just for giggles."

"Rut roh," said Zoisite, poofing away with petals.

Queen Beryl sent Darien to kill Zoisite, so he kept hitting the petals that were floating in the air for three hours.

"Is he/she dead?" asked Queen Beryl.

"ALMOST GOt EM!" he said.

"YOU GO, ZOISITE! KILL THAT LOSER ZOISITE!"

Darien passed out from exhaustion and Queen Beryl applauded Kunzite for killing Jadeite.


	2. Trash Pt 2

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

Nephrite pulled up in his brand new $1,000,000 car to see Jadeite talking to himself.

"Bruh who are you talking to?"

"Ur mum"

"Bruh do you want my help or nah?"

"No I just want ur car."

"Well u cant have it."

"Fine halp meh idk what to do."

"Ok, here's the plan."

"Ok..."

"Let's ask the stars!" Nephrite looked up at the night sky to wait for the stars to give him a plan. But instead they just gave him the middle finger. His feelings were hurt.

"Ok so anyway, let's go with my trash plan."

"Idk Jadeite, that plan is kind of 'trash.'"

"Nah, let's go!"

They appeared at their first victim's house. It was MAWLLLY!

"Hey uh idk bout this, Jadeite. She's kind of my bae."

"Nah baes r for gays"

"Not really since she's a girl"

"But ur a girl"

"No u have my confused"

"No. Let's just fill her house with garbage."

"Ok, you're already here!" Nephrite laughed. "LOLOLOLOLOLOL"

Jadeite rolled his eyes at the shenanigans and warped up a bunch of trash.

Nothing happened.

"Bro maybe we should wake up MAWKWKWKWKLY!"

"Suck it, Nephrite!"

"Bruh that's no way to talk to someone a tier above you."

"Suck it, Nephrite! Tiers are for queers!"

Nephrite started crying.

"Suck it, Nephrite! Tears are for queers!"

Just then, Zoisite warped in to have a good laugh at them since he had nothing better to do.

"Suck it, Zoisite! Queers are for queers!"

Zoisite got mad and cleaned up all their trash, spoiling their plan. "HAHAHAHHA NOW QUEEN BERYL GUN KILL U 4SURE"

Jadeite threw a punch at the petals but was for some unknown reason disoriented. He punched Nephrite instead, who punched him. They brawled it out, until Mawly woke up. She accidentally walked in between, and got sucker punched by Nephrite.

"WOY MAXFIELD STANIN WOY!"

"Woah, what happened to Mawly's voice? Now it sounds like she's from Boston! You must have punched her pretty hard!"

"What, no way! She definitely sounds like she's from Jersey!"

"U wot m3"

* * *

Meanwhile, at Queen Beryl's castle, the queen was enraged. "WHERE IS ALL MY LOOT?!"

"Wut?" asked Kunzite.

"ALL THE STUFF I HAD! MY POKEMAN CARDS! MY CRYSTAL BALL! MY OTHER CRYSTAL BALL! THAT THIRD CRYSTAL BALL!"

"Uhhh I threw it all out because it was garbage. You told me to take out the trash, didn't you?"

"I MEANT JADEITE DAMMIT!"

"whoopsiedaisy"

* * *

Meanwhile, Zoisite was taking all the garbage she stole from Nephrite's evil plan and dumping it in his castle in the woods to troll him.

But suddenly, a crack crazed Queen Beryl showed up.

"Zoisite! You stole my garbage!"

"Wut? I don't have Jadeite?"

"LOOK AT ALL THOSE BALLS!"

"Where?!" asked Zoisite, filled with glee. He warped away to find the balls while Queen Beryl raged because all her stuff was just layin on the floor.

She did another hit of crack, and then resorted all her Pokemon cards. But she was missing one; she only had 44 dark energy charges instead of 45! HER WHOLE BATTLE STRATEGY WAS RUINED!"

"I'll kill that bitch Sailor Mercury for this!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Jadeite and Nephrite were having an all out squabble. A Pokemon squabble, that was!

Jadeite used a Wobuffet. But Nephrite warped away the card. Then he used a Charizard, but Jadeite lit it on fire. Then they stabbed eachother irl.

Zoisite warped back in to see who was dead. But no one was!

"Why haven't you fought to the death yet? And where are those balls?"

"?"

"I've had enough of your shit, Zoishit," said Jadeite. "Prepare to du!"

With that, both Nephrite and Jadeite lunged at Zoisite. But she warped with petals, flustering them all. At this time, Mawly regained consciousness and wandered into the middle of the conflict. She got double punched and KO'd.

Her mum woke up. "MAWLY?"

"MAMA!"

"MAWLY!"

"MAMA!"

"KILLL THEM DAMMIT" said Jadeite.

Nephrite went to kill Mawly but he couldn't bring himself to do it. So he settled for slaughtering her mother.

"MAWLY!" she yelled as she transformed into a youma.

She turned into the state of Boston. "GAWSH DURN NOT AGAH!" said Mawly, running into the arms of the guy who just semi killed her mom.

"That ho gonna be the death of you one day," commented Jadeite, foreshadowingly.

"Bruh," said Nephrite to Jadeite. "We still need energy!"

"Take that girls energy for the 10th time!" ordered Jadeite.

"Ok fine!"

Suddenly Queen Berly warped Jadite and Nephrite back. They were besides Zoicite and Kunzsite.

"I'm very dissapointed in all of yer!" said Queen Barrel

"I didn't do anything!" whined Kunzite.

"I don't care imma kill you all!" Queen Beryl said "But which one of you should I kill it first" and she closed her eyes to think

"Suck it Beryl!" called one of them and Queen Beryl opened her eyes and all that was left was cloud of pedals and Queen Beryl charged it and swung at it for 3 hours until she got exhausted and passed out.

FIN


	3. Ants

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"What is it this time, you pest!"

"Queen Beryl! y u gotta b so r00d!"

"Go on..."

"Ok, so it turns out that humans aren't the only organisms on Earth that use energy!"

"Go on..."

"There are these things called 'ants,' and it is their mating season!"

"Teeheehee 'mating.' Go on..."

"So if we can steal the ants' energy, we can awaken that big blob thing and take over the world!"

"That's brilliant, Kunzite! You get a pay raise!"

"But Queen! I'm Jadei-" but Queen Beryl was so excited about Kunzite's brilliant new plan that she warped him away without even looking at who it actually was.

Floating through the Negaverse, Jadeite was very confused. "We get paid?"

* * *

Jadeite soon realized that he could not find any ants. He resorted to the most desperate move he could think of; asking the stars for help. "If that idiot Nephrite can do it, I could too!"

"Bla bla bla the stars know all. Know all do the stars, they know all."

He was disappointed when all the stars told him was the meaning of life. "That won't help at all!"

* * *

Nephrite was sitting in his castle still cleaning up Queen Beryl's balls.

Jadeite appeared. "WTF NEPHRITE IS NUDE"

"Because this is the privacy of my own home? Get a home fool, I didn't ask you to just warp in on my private business."

"Ye but it seems like with how often Zoisite shows up here to laugh at your failures you would be prepared with clothes on."

Zoisite revealed himself from behind a wall. "TEHEHEHEHEH BUT THEN I WOULDN'T SHOW UP. SLURP."

He poofed away, dropping more of Queen Beryl's balls for him to pick up.

"So anyway, Nephrite, ol' buddy ol' pal," Jadeite began, poofing up clothes for Nephrite. "I need your help!"

Nephrite laughed hysterically and warped back to the Negaverse. Five minutes later, he returned with Queen Beryl, who also laughed hysterically.

"LOL YOU'VE REALLY SUNKEN FAR, QUEEN SERENITY! YOU'VE ASKED _NEPHRITE_ FOR HELP!? HOW BAD CAN YOU GET!"

"Hey!" yelled an outraged Nephrite.

"HEY!" yelled Queen Beryl. "Why do you have my balls. I need those." She grabbed as many balls as she could and warped back to the Negaverse.

Nephrite, in his shame, asked the stars for help.

They said, "LOL we don't wanna help you, let's help that hunkster Jadeite. Bro, just go to a ant store. They sell tons of ants!"

"Shit! Why didn't I think of that? Catch u l8r Nephpal."

"One of these days, Jadeite!"

* * *

At the ant store, Jadeite asked the clerk to help. But the clerk was too busy asking if anyone wanted some free energy, so he just stole a bunch of ants and left.

When he got to his box behind a Taco Bell where he lived, he put the ants in one of those ant home glass things where you can see them. "I must let them grow into a powerful ant society, before I steal their energy."

Thus, he spent the next few weeks taking care of the ants. He named them all, things such as Anthony, Antster, Antony, Antie, Antster, and Antoine. But alas, he knew it was time to take their energy. But, he couldn't bring himself to it. "I think I'll just let them free. I'm sure Queen Beryl won't care. She's given up on me anyway."

Just then, a black rose flew in, shattering the ant colony and slaying them all.

"MAMORU, WHY?!"

Evil Mamoru posed on the Taco Bell. "I don't like the way you bad guys pick on things smaller than you. Those ants didn't deserve that captivity!"

"I WAS JUST LETTING THEM GO! NOW THEY'RE ALL DEAD!"

"A job well done," said Evil Mamoru. "Just another day of sabotage. eZpz!"

"One of these days, Mamoru!"

Jadeite charged him, flying at him and tackling him offscreen because no one wanted to animate an actual fight. Neither had any good attacks anyway, so they just fell in water. A black rose floated to the surface.

Jadeite assumed Mamoru must be dead; certainly a rose couldn't have just fallen out of his pocket. There was no way he could have survived that fatal push.

* * *

Jadeite warped back to the Queen's room, full of pride.

"Queen Beryl! I have slain Mamoru!"

"WUT?! THE HELL DID U DO THAT FOR?!"

"He was sabotaging the Negaverse! He even confessed to it! Didn't you see that?"

"No I was too busy watching to see if anyone would try to kill Mamoru, since that's the only time I actually pay attention."

"But Queen! Take my word for it! I've been your loyal Shitennou for 8,000 years, and this is just our enemy, who you did a crap job of hypnotizing!"

"Whose fault is that, that we didn't have enough energy to do it well?"

"Unhguhh, probably yours, since you're our ruler, and you could have either A) put better people on the job, or gave them better plans, or B) done it yourself like someone who was good."

"One more outburst like that and you're outta here buster!"

"No Queen NUUUU!"

"Yes Zoisite this is your warning. I will kill you the next time you try to kill Mamoru. So don't play like you didn't know better, because I am warning you now. I will be watching you continuously except when the sailors transform, just in case you ever try to pull this one again."

"I'm Jadeite tho! BUT WHY DO YOU CARE ABOUT OUR ENEMY MAMORU SO MUCH?"

"Cuz he's a hunkster!"

FIN DE CHAPTER


	4. Team Negaverse

"Queen Energy!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of Beryl!"

Queen Beryl looked at him.

"SHIT!" he teleported away and came back.

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"OMG UR KIDDING"

"NO, I'm not! This is certain to be the source of energy we need!"

"OMG UR KIDDING"

"Nope, I'm cereal!"

"Are you cerealously cereal?"

"Nah"

"Ok," began Queen Beryl, cautiously. "But does it require a bunch of unnecessary steps?"

"Why of course! What do you expect!"

"Perfect! I love wasting time and our own energy! Go for it!"

"Ok Queen Beryl, so here's the plan," said Jadeite. "Humans put a lot of energy into being sore sports when they lose baseball games."

"Go on..."

"Especially children!"

"Go on..."

"So, if we can beat children at a baseball game, all their poor sportsmanship can be taken for the Negaverse!"

"Which one is that again?"

"That's us, Queen Beryl."

"Wait, who are you?"

"Queen Beryl pls I tell you everyday"

"I've never seen you before in my life. Guards, take out this traitor!"

"WOT?"

"Oh hey, Nephrite. I didn't see you there. Good look on your energy plan."

"?" replied Jadeite, teleporting away before he got killed again.

* * *

Nephrite was sitting in his castle, talking to the stars.

"How are you doing, friends?"

"Leave us alone, Nephrite. We already told you we don't like you?"

"Why? Why are we drifting apart?"

"We can't be in a relationship with someone who blames us for all their problems."

"But you guys know all! Why aren't you telling me how to get energy?"

"Maybe we know you're a dick."

"?"

"Is this a bad time," asked Jadeite.

"Hey how long were you here?"

"Long enough to know you need couples' counseling."

"Screw you," said Nephrite. "What do you want?"

"I want to recruit you for the best evil plan of all."

"I doubt it."

"Nupe we're making a baseball team to beat toddlers, and we need you!"

"Why would I want to help you?"

"Because Queen Beryl wants you to."

"I doubt it," said Nephrite, poofing to Queen Beryl to ask her.

* * *

"Queen Beryl!"

"Have you failed already, Nephrite?"

"Wat no, I just wanted to know if you actually requested I join Jadeite's baseball team."

"Why yes Nephrite, I did want you to join Nephrite's baseball team."

"Why can't he just use youmas? Don't you think it's below our positions as your generals?"

"Come on Nephrite, where's that Negaverse spirit?"

"Why don't you join then, Queen?"

"Because I'm not scum. Now back to work!"

Nephrite sighed and yelled "Moon Healing Maxfiend Stanton!" He looked exactly the same. It worked!"

Now he was Maxfield Stanton.

* * *

Next, Jadeite appeared at Zoisite and Kunzite's castle.

He appeared in their bedroom without warning in the middle of them being geh.

"OH GAWD WHY LORD KUNZITE WHY!"

Jadeite teleported outside, gasping for air and choking. "WHY DO I ALWAYS TP TO PEOPLE AT THE WRONG TIMES?!"

24 minutes later, they came outside their room wrapped in the sheets.

"Sorry u had to see that"

"Ye how about you never mention this again," added Zoisite.

"Ok but only if you join my baseball team."

"Wtf"

* * *

They appeared at the Little League tournament.

"Hello," asked Jadeite, dressed as a coach. "I would like to register my team."

"Aren't you a little old for little league?"

He blasted the person who said that to smithereens and hired a youma to enlist people.

"I'm a child on the inside," he muttered, frustratedly.

The youma still shook her head. "These teams have to be 9 people. You only have 3."

"Can't you make an exception?" asked Kunzite.

"Can't we just hire youmas?" asked Nephrite.

"Oh come on guys! Where's your Negaverse spirit?" asked Jadeite. "Now lets do something I never thought we would do. Let's ask the Sailor Scouts for help!"

"But Jadeite," said Zoisite. "If we bring the Sailor Scouts here, and then start stealing energy, they'll foil our plans!"

"DON'T QUESTION UR COACH LAD," said Coach Jadeite. "That's a red card for you! Go run three laps!"

"Dawgonnit"

* * *

Serena slept peacefully in her house, dreaming of Tuxedo Mask, Tuxedo Mosque, and that punk Andrew. Suddenly, she was awoken with a fright. The house was trembling. Instead of calling the police, she looked out her window. It was Jadeite!

"Sailor scouts," he commanded, his image being viewed over the entire city. "You bettah meet me at the airport, or ima steal u cupcakes!"

"NUUUUU" yelled Serena, grabbing the Sailor Scouts and rushing to the airport.

"I'm so sick of this shit," yelled Rei, lunging at Serena to slap her but missing and slapping Ami.

"What was that for," cried Amy, furious to be distracted from her studies. "Now I have to start this sentence all over again! How will I ever get my doctorate by age five if you keep doin this shit!"

They made it to the top of the airport, realizing they hadn't thought to transform. Where's Luna when you need her?

So they transformed, but gasped when they saw the four Shitennou standing there watching.

"OH SHIT DO THEY ALL KNOW OUR IDENTITY NOW?"

The Shitennou turned to look at them. "When did you guys show up?"

"You mean you didn't see us transform?"

"Huh? I was just looking at the sky. So many stars..." said Nephrite.

"I was just looking at Kunzite!" said Zoisite.

"You faggots," said Ami.

"Holy shit Ami," said Mars. "Where did that come from?"

"I'm pretty deranged from studying 35 hours a day, actually."

"I see."

"Sailor Scouts, we need your help!" said Jadeite.

"Well what's in it for us?" asked Venus.

"We're hunksters?"

"Good point!" agreed Serena and the rest of the scouts.

"Come on guys, let's gather the Negaverse spirit!" said Jadeite, putting his hand in the middle. He had everyone else put their hands on his to do a chant of team spirit.

But suddenly, they all withdrew their hands in pain. They had been hit with a rose!

"WTF, Tuxedo Mask," asked Serena. "I see why you hit them, but why us?"

"Wow, teaming with the Negaverse. You make me sick." said Mamoru.

"No it's just baseball? Wanna play?"

"Anyone who teams with the Negaverse at all is sickening. So let's play!"

* * *

They all were gathered in the dugout. Their four minutes of training had all lead up to this moment. Since all the kids' parents didn't want their kids versing older kids/adults, all of the teams resigned except for one group of particularly small toddlers. Thus, they were at the final championship.

"Alright, today is the big day!" said Jadeite. "It's all or nothing guys! We need to win! Not for the Negaverse! Not for the energy! But for OUR HONOR!"

"Nah, it's for the Negaverse," said Nephrite.

"Oh come on, where's your Negaverse spir-" but Jadeite got hit in the face with an energy blast before he could finish.

"Screw you Jadeite!" said Nephrite.

"No come on guys, let's all join in a chant," began Jadeite. But everyone was annoyed with his over-exerting his team, so they chanted "SCREW YOU JADEITE!" and took their places in the field.

"Welp, looks like we're gonna win!" murmered Jadeite to himself. "There's no way we can't! They're just toddlers! We're grown people! We have thousands of years of experience! My team can do it, I just know they can!"

* * *

"HOW DID WE LOSE SO BAD?" Sobbed Jadeite, looking at the scoreboard. "They don't even have mercy rules in little league, but the scoreboard couldn't pass 99 runs so they had to call it!"

"Gee, Jadeite. I don't know what happened," apologized Mamoru.

"No, you people are awful! SO, SAILOR JUPITER? HOW EXACTLY DOES ONE RUN BASES BACKWARDS? ESPECIALLY WHEN IT WASN'T YOUR TURN? AND MAMORU. YOU CAN'T BAT WITH A ROSE. IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT. AND NEPHRITE, YOU SHOULD DIVORCE THOSE STARS IF THOSE ARE THE KIND OF PLAYING SKILLS THEY GAVE YOU! AND ZOISITE WTF? YOU WONT TELEPORT AWAY WHEN YOU HAVE CRYSTALS THAT ARE CRUCIAL TO THE NEGAVERSE, BUT YOU'LL TELEPORT AWAY WHEN BALLS COME YOUR WAY! THAT'S SO UNLIKE YOU! WINK! AND KUNZITE! WTF WERE THOSE BOOMERANGS? HOW WERE YOU GOING TO TAKE ON THE SAILOR SCOUTS WITH THAT?"

He began glowing with pure energy.

"What's happening?" asked Sailor Mercury, who was supposed to be the smart one.

"It appears he's filled with the purest of all energy forces. Poor sportsmanship!"

Kunzite's eyes widened. He had never seen such powerful energy radiating. Everyone stood silent for a moment. Then, Kunzite, Zoisite, and Nephrite piled on Jadeite, and began pummeling him. They stole tons and tons of energy that was shooting off.

"Venus Crescent Beam!" Venus yelled shooting randomly into the battle.

"Whose side are you on," asked Nephrite.

"Idk, I hate you all, so it was a pretty good attack time."

They accidentally dropped the energy.

"No worries," said Kunzite. "We'll just pick it back up!"

Suddenly, Queen Beryl's image appeared.

"RETURN IMMEDIATELY!"

"But Queen! We have the energy right here!"

"DON'T QUESTION MY ORDERS!?" she yelled, spinning her head in a complete circle.

She slapped them all in the back of the heads and said they were grounded.

Nephrite and Zoisite sighed, grabbing each of Jadeite's legs and dragging him into the portal.

"Come on pal, let's go." said Zoisite.

"UGhnguhnghhuhng" moaned Jadeite.

"Oh come on, stand up, Jadeite! Where's your Negaverse spirite?" asked Nephrite.

Jadeite started sobbing.

FIN


	5. Jadeite's Day Off

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a.. *cough cough*"

"What, Jadeite? You need to speak up?" said Queen Beryl

"I found... Awehgwhaoiroijhjobamklsdfgjawg!"

"WHAT?"

"AWegjwreoijpjiwaerherlf I'm dying!"

"About time you incompetento"

"No Queen I think *wegjawgojiaw* I have a cold"

"Yeah a cold and painful death coming your way if you don't get that source of energy!"

"Queen pls can I take the day off I'm really *COUGH COUGH COUGH THROW UP COUGH*"

"But I need someone out there getting energy!"

"Don't you have three other ShitennUGHHUGHHGUGHGJ COUGH COUGH DIE"

"Yeah but they might actually get it, and then I would have nothing to whine about. I won't send them in until the sailors get more powerful, so I can rage at them too."

"Pls Queen I'll get double the energy tomorrow!"

"Okay, you're always trustworthy when it comes to getting energy."

"Thanks, Queen! You won't be sorry!"

"I doubt it."

* * *

"Oh boy, a day off!" said Jadeite merrily. "I haven't had one of these since the Silver Millenium!"

"Where should I go on my day *COUGH* off. I know! A new fun park just opened down town! I'm sure I won't run into any trouble from the sailor scouts! They would never just randomly go to a fun park!"

With that, Jadeite put on a disguise and skipped over to the fun park.

"WEEEEEEEE WHAT SHOULD I RIDE FIRST?!"

"OOOOOOO THE MERRY-GO-ROUND! I won't run into any trouble there! Complete relaxation!"

He jumped on the Merry-Go-Round by flying over and pushing some kid off. The kid cried to their parents but their parents smacked them and said to stop talking shit.

The ride began, and Jadeite was having the most fun in his life. He went up and down. WEEEEEEEE!

Suddenly, he noticed Zoisite on a horse a couple horses ahead of him. She was holding that crystal that she stole from Nephrite yet somehow was given by Queen Beryl as well.

"Uh oh, smells like trouble!" exclaimed Jadeite, concerned that his one day off would be disturbed. "Maybe she won't notice me!"

"HEY JADEITE! HOW ARE YE?"

"DAMMIT! HOW DID YOU CATCH ME?"

"Only you would be talking to yourself out loud on a Merry-Go-Round. Also, you and I are the only adults on here. It's quite strange parents haven't complained yet."

"Could you just leave me alone! I'm just trying to chill, yo!"

"I don't care enough. I'm just here to lure sailor moon out and get the rainbow crystal from her. I wonder where she could be?"

Just then, Jadeite noticed his pal Serena going around the Merry-Go-Round fantasizing about both Tuxedo Mask and Andrew. He too wondered where Sailor Moon could possibly be.

"Well, good luck on your quest, Zoisite!"

"Screw you gaydite I don't need luck"

Zoisite fired off her crystal beam thing but it missed Molly and hit some other guy and he transformed into a huge youma.

"Shit I missed again!"

"Whoa a youma!" exclaimed Serena "Oh well it's my day off"

Zoisite appeared in front of the youma and said "kill the girl with the orange hair!" but the youma charged Zoisite and she was like "oh shit" and warped away knowing she had no control over the youma. The youma charged Jadeite and grabbed him by the neck and smashed him into the ground as he screamed "NOOOOOOOO THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!"

* * *

Meanwhile in Nephrite's lair he was seeking the stars for guidance.

"The stars know AALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL! SHOW ME THE PERSON AT THE PEAK OF THEIR LIVES!"

The stars scrambled around until they formed a picture of an old friend. It was Jadite!

"Oh well I hope he won't be mad."

* * *

Jadeite was still getting brutally pummeled and was now a brutally bashed corpse, but then Nephster appeared and shot the youma with an energy blast.

"Oh wow thanks Maxfield Stanton! You remind me a lot of someone who looks just like you but with a different shirt!"

Nephrite ripped off his shirt revealing his negaverse uniform.

"WHOA NEPHRITE YOU JUST MISSED MAXFIELD STANTON HE SAVED ME! Maybe my day off still has a chance of success after all!"

Nephrite shot Jadeite with an energy blast and started draining his energy.

"WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHY HOWHOWHOWHOWHOWHOWHOW WHOWHOWHOWHOWHOWHOOOOOOOOOOO WA!"

Suddenly, Evil Prince Endymion appeared!

"Mamoru!" Jadeite called to him. "Help me, ol' buddy ol' pal! We're on the same side!"

"Nah, I don't like the way you bad guys give away your energy to the Negaforce!"

"But Mamoru, he's taking my energy! Attack him!"

Mamoru was conflicted, so he hit them both with black roses.

"That's it, Endymion!" yelled Nephrite. "You're not invited to my birthday party!"

"NOOOOO! I'm sorry! I'll make it up to you, Nephy!"

With that, he started pummeling Jadeite with his stick. "STAHPPPPP!" But Endymion didn't listen. He'd be damned if he'd miss out on Nephrite's delicious marble swirl ice cream cake. And he already picked out a gift! (It was a star)

Finally, Endymion warped away. As did Nephrite, with Endymion's gift.

Suddenly, Sailor Moon appeared, furious that someone had tried to turn Mawwwlly into a youma. "WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS?" she asked.

Everyone in the park pointed at Jadeite for no apparent reason.

"But Sailor Moon! It was Zoisite!"

"Nice try buster, I don't know any Zoisites."

"But she's the one who has been going after the rainbow crystals!"

"Nah I'm pretty sure that was that Jadeite guy."

"But I'm Jadeite!"

"HA! Caught red handed! You're finished!"

"NUUUUUU!" Sailor Moon then shot a plane at Jadeite. "My only weakness!" he was barely able to TP back to Queen Beryl before getting run over.

"Jadeite!" Queen Beryl announced, startled. "I hope you enjoyed your day off! Now, you better be ready to get me double energy!"

With that, Jadeite passed out in the middle of Queen Beryl's room. She called in Kunzite to mop him up. "Why am I always the one to clean up your trash?"

"Oh well," thought Jadeite. "This still went better than most days."

FIN


	6. Broken Pinky Promises

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Can it, Jadeite! We're doing crystals now!"

"But it's a really good one, for the first time!"

"CAAAANNNNNN IIIIIIITTTTTT!"

* * *

Mamoru suddenly appeared in a tower, with Serena.

"Oh shit!" he thought. "Oh well, good thing I just happened to be carrying my rainbow crystals, the only thing I have of value, and the only thing stopping the Negaverse from taking over the world. What could possible go wrong?"

"Tuxedo Mask!" said Zoisite.

"Who?" said Mamoru, and Serena in unison.

"Place your crystals in the middle! Here, I'm putting mine down!"

"Mamoru, why do you have rainbow crystals?" asked Serena. "And why do you have the exact same colored ones as Tuxedo Mask? And why is she calling you Tuxedo Mask? I thought Tuxedo Mask and Zoisite are the only people who have crystals? How did you get your hands on them?"

"Meatball head!" Mamoru retaliated.

"Ok now Ima put my crystals in the middle!" announced Mamoru. "But first, you have to promise not to take them. Do I have your word?"

"Huh.. uh, sure?"

"Ok, you seem trustworthy."

Zoisite grinned internally at Mamoru's stupidity.

"WAIT!" he said, suddenly suspicious.

"Uh oh!" thought Zoisite. "Maybe he's not as dumb as I thought!"

"You have to pinky promise! That way I know you won't deceive me!"

"..."

Zoisite reluctantly pinky promised Mamoru.

Then, he put his crystals, the only thing he had, in the middle, and walked back.

"Are you ready for a good scuffle?" he asked.

"lolno"

Just then Kunzite appeared in the middle.

"Hey! What are you doing here? Are you here to watch our 1v1?"

"lolno," he said, taking the crystals and poofing off. "DUMBASS!"

"WUT!?" Mamoru was shocked beyond words.

"BUT BUT BUT! YOU GUYS ARE THE BAD GUYS?! YOU WOULD NEVER DECEIVE ME?! WHAT IS GOING ON!?"

"u lost lad"

"This is all a joke, right? You certainly wouldn't break a pinky promise! It's not like you're evil or anything."

"u wot m8"

"Come on now, give them back. I'm getting real tired of the way you bad guys do bad things. If he came and took the crystals, then that would be cheating. And cheaters never win."

"I think I just did lad"

"NUUUUUU! WHO CAN I TRUST ANYMORE IF I CAN'T EVEN TRUST EVIL PEOPLE!"

Broken hearted, Mamoru threw a rose at Zoisite. "How do you have roses, Mamoru," asked Serena.

Zoisite was unable to dodge. He got really mad. He tried to toast Mamoru and Serena. The fire was coming at them.

"So... are you gonna transform, or are we all going to die," asked Serena.

"Transform? What do you mean?"

"Mamoru pls"

"Maybe..."

The fire was getting closer.

"Rock paper scissors to see who reveals themselves first?"

"Ok," agreed Serena.

"Best 2 out of 7!"

They kept tying.

The fire got closer.

Serena threw a rock at Mamoru's scissors, but he quickly switched to a rock.

"FFS MAMORU!" yelled Serena, transforming.

"WOAH! YOu're the moon princess?"

"What? No, I'm sailor moon!"

"There's a difference? You look a lot like the moon princess."

"Fat chance. The MOON princess is Sailor VENUS. DUH."

"But I thought Zoisite was the moon princess."

"Well that wouldn't make much sense."

"It would make more sense than Sailor MOON being the MOON princess."

"True."

Suddenly they were all lit on fire. "SHIT! Maybe we should have stopped talking."

They appeared at the top badly burnt from slacking off.

"WAT?!" asked Zoisite, befuddled. "HOW DID THAT NOT KILL YOU? It's not like you guys had powers or anything."

"Alright, Zoisite!" said Sailor Moon. "Hand over the Moon Princess!"

"Ok!" she said, shooting Mamoru with a generic evil crystal.

"WA!" he yelled.

"NUUUUUU!" Serena cried for hours. Suddenly, all of the moon crystals flew into her tear, creating THE SILVER IMPERIFUME CYSTAL FO THE M OONN! ?!

"WTF!" said Kunzite, suddenly appearing. "Why didn't I just have a lid on that box?"

"Seriously though, I'm sick of the way you good guys don't play fair. We unfairly stole those crystals from you fair and square and now you just steal them back. Do you have any manners?"

Serena was too pissed off over Mamoru's untimely death and randomly threw the imperium silver moon silver imperium moon crystal in the air. It did some random wacky shit, bringing Mamoru back to life and slappin' around Zoisite and Kunzite. Then it shattered into 7 rainbow crystals, which shattered into 7 more rainbow crystals each, thus creating 49. Mamoru caught them all in his hat, mid transformation.

"HEY! Give those back!" said Zoisite.

"NUUU you tried to kill me!"

"Please?"

"Well, you did ask nicely..."

"MAMORU!" scolded Serena.

"Oh right. Nah, not this time!"

"Ok ok. Hear me out here," began Zoisite. "I tricked you the first time, and that was wrong. I realize that now. I am sorry. But I was really looking forward to dueling the great Tuxedo Mask..."

"Awww, you think I'm great 3"

"Uh yeah sure whatever."

"Serena, she thinks I'm great. I think we should give her another chance."

"MAMORU!"

"Besides, Kunzite's right there! He can't pull any fast ones on us this time!"

"MAMORU!" Serena scolded again.

"Ok, I'm putting them in the middle! Just remember, bad things come to those who break pinky promises twice!"

He stepped back from the crystals. "Ok, your turn!"

"Mamoru!" said Serena. "She has nothing and you had everything. Wtf!"

"Don't worry, gal pal! I'll get them back by beating him in a fair 1v1"

Zoisite walked to the middle, and picked up the crystals.

"HEY! Put those back!"

"Woah, look at the time. I must be going." she tp'd away with the crystals.

Mamoru looked flabberghasted. "Please, Kunzite, tell me I didn't fall for it again."

"lmao rekt"

"Oh boy, time to get 49 crystals back from the NEGAVeRSE!"

Serena face palmed and seriously contemplated joining the other side.


	7. Broken Pinky Promises Pt 2

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Oh rly, I've never heard that one before," responded Queen Beryl.

"Yes, it's something the humans call, 'favoriting this fanficiton, and also reviewing!'"

"What? I've never heard of that before."

"Yeah, apparently many people haven't."

"How do I go about doing this? And what's my motivation?"

"Well first you click 'review' and write something pretty. The writers of this story can really use some positive feedback!"

"Yes, I see. And then what."

"Then you click 'favorite' to show your support! Every favorite counts!"

"Ah, brilliant! Only someone as evil as me would not take the time to do this!"

"I agree," said Jadeite, turning and facing the camera. "Btw, how's Zoisite doing with those crystals?"

"Who?"

* * *

"Woohoohoohoohoo I got the chartruse crystal back! Even though I'm not quite sure how I lost it to begin with!"

"Holt!" yelled Mamoru, hitting his hand with a rose.

"AGAIN!? How does this keep happening!"

"Hhahahah now you only have 48 rainbow crystals! GG rekt! You can't do nothin' without all of them!" laughed Mamoru victoriously.

"Hmmm, you're right. HEY! Ol' buddy ol' pal! Wanna 1v1?"

"Why of course! I'm always down for a tussle!" yelled Mamoru courageously.

"But wait! Let's make this battle even more intense! Let's make a wager!"

"Idk, Zoisite. You're not very trustworthy in these types of situations."

"What, are you scared to lose?" asked Zoisite.

"Of course I'm not!"

"Ok then put something of value in the middle to begin our wager!"

"Uhhh, I have this rainbow crystal, but I don't think you'd have much of a use for it. Oh look, I have five bucks!" Mamoru put his five bucks in the middle.

Zoisite frowned. "Uh, your money doesn't work where I come from. We only use Negabucks. But hey, I could probably pawn that silly crystal of yours for a couple Negabucks!"

"Oh, are you sure? I wouldn't want you to get the bad end of the deal. Which is worth more, the crystal or five bucks," asked Mamoru.

"Well... I guess the crystal is worth a little less than five bucks, but I'll settle for it, since I feel bad for all the other times I ripped you off."

"Gee, thanks!"

"No problem. Ok, go ahead and put it in the middle now!"

"Ok!" agreed Mamoru. He placed it in the middle, and started to walk away, but ran back and grabbed it. "NOW WAIT JUST A DAWG ON MINUTE HERE!"

"Wot?"

"I wanna see that partner of yours! So he can't pull a fast one on me and warp in and steal them?"

"Kunzite? He would never! I'm insulted, honestly."

"Just get him for good measure."

"I can't. He's very busy."

"Then I guess we can't do the duel!"

"Coward!"

"Nope, not falling for it."

"Ok fine, brb. I'll see what I can do. But you best be putting that five dollars in the middle as well, to make up for the pay loss he's gonna get for having to skip work today."

"Fine," Mamoru reluctantly agreed. He was mad because that was his last five dollars. Now he will have to work at movie studio for another day.

"Hmmm," he thought to himself. "I could just leave now... with the crystal... and my five bucks... Nah! Zoisite would think I'm a coward! And what do I have if I don't have the respect of villains!"

Zoisite reappeared with Kunzite.

"Bro, I heard that you don't trust me. I'm hurt, after all we've been through."

"I'm sorry Kunzite, I know I'm too untrusting, but this is the only thing stopping you guys from world domination, afterall. I just didn't want to risk it."

"Fair enough. Now put it in the middle!"

Mamoru complied. "So, Zoisite. What's your wager?"

"uhhhhh"

Suddenly, Nephrite warped in, and stole the crystal!

"WAAA!" yelled Mamoru. "Quick guys, stop him!"

But Kunzite and Zoisite were just laying on the floor laughing.

"Hey! What's going on here!"

"R U THIS STUPID ALL THE TIME OR ONLY ON TUESDAYS!"

"It's a Wednesday! And I don't see why you guys aren't pissed. Nephrite just ruined a perfectly good wager. I have nothing left to bet, this is no fun!"

"You dweazle," said Zoisite. "We told Nephrite to come take it!"

"WUT?! But that would be cheatin- wait a minute! But how? How did you have time to arrange this with him."

"I was in the Negaverse for like 20 minutes lol"

"But you know Nephrite probably won't give it back to you. He hates you guys!"

Suddenly, Nephrite appeared again.

"Back for my five bucks, are you now?" asked Mamoru.

Nephrite didn't care less about his earth money, but took it anyway just to spite him.

"Here ya go Zoipal," he said, passing over the crystal.

"SUCK IT NEPHRITE!" she yelled back.

"Nephrite, why did you give it to them?" asked Mamoru. "They try to kill and shit."

"Ye, but this crystal is only worth a couple of Negabucks. That look on your face was priceless."

With that, he warped off laughing merrily.

Zoisite held the crystal out in front of him mockingly.

"LOLOLOLOLOL look at what you don't have and never will!"

Mamoru threw a rose, hitting him in the hand and shattering the crystal into 343 more pieces.

"DAMMIT MAMORU LOOK WHAT U DID!"

Mamoru didn't have time for this bickering, and quickly snatched one of the shards. This one was the pink and yellow-green swirl crystal.

Zoisite charged him, but he put his hand up.

"One more step and I break this crystal, inconveniencing us all even more!"

"Hey hey hey don't get hasty now. Hey! I got an idea! Let's just fight for it! Fair and square!"

"Ok! Wait a minute!"

"Huh?" asked Zoisite. "What's the problem? Are you scared?"

"Nah, I'm not falling for this AGAIN!"

"Come on Mamy, what can I do to make you trust me."

"I want to see all of you Negagoons lined up at once. That way I know none of you can jump in and steal it."

"Well, that might take some scheduling, but I guess we can pull it off. Give us a few hours to pull some strings."

"Ok," agreed Mamoru. "I'll be here!"

* * *

Three days later, Zoisite and Kunzite reappeared, flanked by the other two Shitennous and Queen Beryl.

"Welp, here we are!"

"What took so long!" yelled a tired and hungry Mamoru.

"Well, we figured since we had the whole family gathered, we might as well go on a family road trip! We saw the Grand Canyon, it was great! Niagara falls, too! They reminded me of you and your down FALL oooooooo! Ok now put the crystals in the middle."

"Wait hold on let me see your photo album from the trip"

"Oh of course!" They sat down and went through the album together. "And here's where Nephrite food poisoning, it was hilarious!"

"Hey!" yelled Nephrite. "It's not my fault that restaurant in Vegas gave me poisonous chicken."

"You went to Vegas too?"

"Of course! Here's where Jadeite won the jackpot, and here's where Queen Beryl stole it from him as 'compensation for his incompetency.'"

"Come on, can we just get on with this?" asked Jadeite, salty about his loss of money.

"Now patience, Jadeite," chided Queen Beryl. "Don't be rude."

"Yeah I actually think that's a good idea..." said Kunzite. "Alright, put the crystal in the middle!"

"Hey hey hey. I said I wanted to see the whole Negaverse here. That means all of you! Youmas included!"

Zoisite sighed and they all poofed off.

* * *

12 days later, they returned.

"WHAT TOOK SO LONG?!"

"Well, Nephrite got food poisoning again, so we had to wait for him to get better."

"How does this keep happening," a sick Nephrite muttered.

"Lol nice food poisoning skills Kunzite," commened Queen Beryl.

"Why thank you, your highness. I try."

"THIS ISN'T THE WHOLE NEGAVERSE!" interrupted Mamoru.

"Yes it is..."

"Nope I don't see Queen Metalia.

"FFS" said Beryl, blasting off again.

* * *

28 days later, they returned at last.

"Welp, here is the Negaverse in its entirety," said Zoisite.

"Should I even bother asking what took so long?"

"Well we were held up by border security in Italy... Wanna see our pics?"

"OH FFS JUST PUT THE DAMN CRYSTAL IN THE MIDDLE!" barked Queen Metalia.

"Nope Ima have to pat you all down first, to make sure you have no tricks up your sleeves." said Mamoru.

He patted down each and every Queen, Shitennou, and youma.

"Can't we just kill him? We have the whole Negaverse here!" asked Jadeite.

"Wait for it, Jadeite. This is gonna be great," said Queen Beryl.

"Looks like you guys are in the clear! Ima just put my crystal down!"

He left the crystal laying there and stepped back, ready to 1v1 Zoisite at last.

Suddenly, a new foe appeared. It was Alan and Anne, from Season 2!

"WTF!"

They took the crystals, laughing.

"You're right, Queen Beryl!" cackled Alan. "This guy really is a doofus!"

"Yeah..." began Anne. "But he sure is a hunkster!"

"Suck it Anne!" said Alan. They took off with the crystal and fed it to the Doom Tree, but it did nothing because the Doom Tree don't play by no rulez.

Mamoru, meanwhile, stood stunned. He didn't know what to say.

The Negaverse, which usually bickered amongst itself, joined together to laugh at him in unison.

Mamoru could take the shame no longer. He changed his identity to the Shiek of Baghdad, and henceforth called himself the Moonlight Knight.


	8. Halloween At Nephy's

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Why would we want energy?" responded Queen Beryl.

"... I... I don't even know anymore."

"So what are we doing here then?"

"Tradition? So anyway, I heard that the humans-"

"I've heard that Zoisite and Kunzite are gay. Is there any truth to that rumor?" asked Queen Beryl.

"That depends if you're watching the sub or the dub, your majesty. Anyway, I heard that the humans celebrate this holiday called "Halloween," where they-"

"I've heard of Halloween, Jadeite. I'm not an ape. What do you intend to do on Halloween?"

"Well you see, kids go around engaging in an activity called "trick-or-treating," in which-"

"I've heard of trick-or-treating, Jadeite. I'm not a chimp. So what exactly are you saying Jadeite?"

"Can I go trick-or-treating :D? Pls?"

"How could that get energy?"

"We can give the kids candy that sucks their energy!"

"So, in other words, you'd be better off just handing out the candy. Correct?"

"Uhhhh but that wouldn't be much fun!"

"Screw your fun, and get back to work you slacker! You can go pass out candy to the children."

"Awwww, but Queen! I don't even have a house in the overworld!"

"Nephrite does. Go make him help you pass out candy."

"Oh tartar sauce :("

Zoisite appeared after he left.

"Do you have a mission for me, Queen?"

"Nah you can just go do whatever you want."

"Oh sweet!"

* * *

Zoisite appeared back in his and Kunzite's castle.

"KUNZITE KUNZITE KUNZITE!"

"Wat do you want"

"Let's go TRICK-OR-TREATING!"

"Why? Are we on a mission or something?"

"Nah, Queen Beryl said we can do whatever! So let's goooo!"

"Why? We're grown men!"

"Men? Wait I'm confused. Is this the sub or the dub?"

"I guess we're going with the sub this chapter."

"Tartar sauce. So let's go? :3?"

"Fine, whatever. This'll still be more productive than half the shit we do around here."

"Yeeeeeet!"

* * *

Jadeite reluctantly appeared at Nephrite's palace.

"NEPHRITE ME BOY!"

"Oh boy not you again. What is it this time?"

"Queen Beryl said we have to pass out candy."

"WHY? I was gonna go trick-or-treating with Molly! :("

"Beats me. Apparently we're draining energy or something."

"Yeah, our energy. *sigh* Let me put on a costume, then." said Nephrite.

"That's not really necess-" but Jadeite got cut-off when Nephrite flew in as Tuxedo Nephrite.

"Who are you supposed to be?" asked Jadeite.

"Tuxedo Mask, can't you tell?" asked Nephrite seriously.

"You look like a queer."

"Takes one to know one, buster."

"Suck it Nephrite!" said Jadeite.

"Yeah I'm sure you'd want that, queerboy!"

They went to have a physical altercation, but they were interrupted by a knocking on the door.

"Oh boy a door-to-door salesman. I'll go get my rifle," said Nephrite.

"No, Nephrite, wait!" said Jadeite, putting on his "Jed" disguise. "I bet it's a 'trick-or-treater!'"

"Oh, I see. I'll go get my rifle."

"No we're supposed to give them candy!"

"Why would we do that? Do they pay us or something?"

"They pay us with appreciation!" said Jadeite, but Nephrite didn't look convinced. "And ENERGY!"

"Ah, so you whipped up a batch of energy sucking candy?" Neph asked.

"Not quite. I just made really good, sugary candy. It will make their teeth fall out. And THEN, we'll be the dentists, and put them on laughing gas and SUCK THEIR ENERGY!" Jadeite shouted.

"Come on Jadeite, indoor voices please. Go deal with the kids."

Jadeite answered the door in a wacky personal trainer uniform. He went to pass candy to the kids, but Nephrite ran up in his "Tuxedo Mask" costume. It terrified they children and they all fled. He chased after them, yelling "Oogaboogabooga!"

"What was that for," yelled an enraged Jadeite. "You scared them away!"

"No, they were already running away. I just wanted to give them something worth running from."

Jadeite sighed. "Now we have to wait for the next trick-or-treaters. And how many kids will actually have climbed this entire mountain just to get to this one house?"

The doorbell rang. This time, it was some teenagers.

"Happy Halloween!" yelled Jadeite and Nephrite in unison.

"Eww, are you guys like gay or something? Why do you live together?"

"Suck it kids!" they said together.

"Eww I bet you creepy old men would like that. Fork over the candy."

"Fine!" said Jadeite, angrily. He held out the bin for them to take a few pieces. But they took like a full handful!

"PUT THAT BACK!" Jadeite yelled.

"Fat chance, old man!" yelled one of the kids, making a run for it.

"AWww hell no!" Jadeite chased them down the mountain. They jumped in their car to drive away, but he used his power and picked it up. He threw it off a cliff, and recovered the extra pieces of candy from their brutally bashed corpses.

"Nice going, Jedy," said Nephrite.

"Thanks!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Zoisite had reached his first house. "Aren't you coming, Kunzite?" he asked.

"Nah I think Ima sit this one out."

Zoisite dragged him over against his will. "We need the extra candy!"

"Why didn't you just take youmas then."

"Because youmas are incompetent."

They knocked on the first door.

An old lady answered.

"Hello, deary! And just who are you supposed to be dressed as, little girl?"

Zoisite gasped. "LITTLE GIRL!?" he shouted, blasting the old lady with pink petals.

"Well that certainly showed her that you're a not girl," commented Kunzite.

"MOVING ON!"

They got to the next house. There were many kids there. It was a long line, and some kid cut them off to "join his brother or something." They obliterated the child, and while they were at it, got rid of the rest of the mob.

They got to the door to see the people in the house running out their back door.

"HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING? YOU OWE US CANDY!"

They picked up the pace, and Zoisite chased them through their house.

"LEAVE US ALONE YOU FREAKS!" the family yelled.

"FREAKS!?" Zoisite spawned a crystal and impaled the father.

"Father!" cried the child.

"I'll just be taking that!" he yelled, telepathically pulling the candy from the kid's bin into his own.

The kid sobbed in terror.

* * *

The doorbell rang yet again at Nephrite's mansion.

They opened the door, and their eyes grew wide with horror. It was the Sailor Scouts!

But... something was off about them. They seemed around the age of five, and the seemed to have parents with them walking them around.

"Brilliant!" Nephrite muttered to Jadeite. "They've de-aged themselves to appear like regular kids trick-or-treating in sailor costumes!"

"Wait, Nephrite," he said as Nephrite loaded his rifle. "What if they really are just little kids?"

"Nonsense! Don't fall for their tricks that easily!"

He turned to the possible Sailor Scouts.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"We're the Sailor Scouts!" yelled a little girl. "We fight for candy! And justice!"

"That's exactly what Sailor Moon would say! GET EM!"

Jadeite and Nephrite charged. Nephrite flew up and sucker-punched Sailor Mercury. Jadeite kneed Sailor Venus in the gut. Nephrite then launched a pure energy blast at Sailor Jupiter. Jadeite threw a plane at Sailor Mars. Then, they both combined their powers to obliterate Sailor Moon.

The lady that was with them gasped in horror. It must be Queen Serenity!

"She's returned!" shouted Jadeite in horror.

Nephrite shot her with his rifle. "Phew, that was a close one!"

"Yeah. Hey, those Scouts really went down without a fight. Almost like they didn't have any powers."

Nephrite and Jadeite looked at eachother.

"Holy shit," said Nephrite. "I think we just commited manslaughter!"

Another trick-or-treating bunch approached. "OH NO! We're going down, they'll see all the dead bodies!" yelled Jadeite in horror.

Nephrite reloaded his shotgun to kill them, but then they said "Woah, nice Halloween decorations! They really look like dead people!"

"Why thank you," said Jadeite. "Looks like we're in the clea-"

Nephrite shot them all. "They were onto us, Jed!"

Jadeite sighed, and face-palmed.

* * *

Kunzite watched as Zoisite ate candy from his blood-stained bowl.

"Did you really need to kill that whole family?" he asked.

"I did them a favor. I didn't want them to have to grow up without a father," said Zoisite, nonchalantely.

As they walked down the street, some teenagers passed them.

"Hey, aren't you guys a little old to be trick-or-treating?"

"No, we're only a couple thousand." Kunzite scowled.

"Who are you guys supposed to be, anyway? Clowns?"

Kunzite looked down, wondering if Zoisite had warped him up some sort of disguise. But they were just in their regular Negaverse garb.

"Are you some kind of jokers? Like who made those costumes? They must have no taste in fashion whatsoever. Was the joke that you were going as awful costume-designers?"

Zoisite and Kunzite gasped. Zoisite threw down his pumpkin ready to fight.

"Calm down, Zoisite," said Kunzite. "They're just being immature."

"What's up with the cape, capeboy? Are you supposed to be some superhero?"

The other teen joined in. "Superhero? More like Super Dork!"

Kunzite picked them up by the throats and smashed their heads together with a dark energy blast.

"NO ONE MAKES FUN OF MY CAPE!"

He levitated them into the air. All the parents and kids turned to watch what was going down. He dropped them, but before they hit the ground, he shot them with a giant energy ball, splattering them all over the place.

Zoisite rolled his eyes and muttered "oh they're just being immature"

"Suck it Zoisite," said Kunzite.

"If you say so!"

Suddenly, they noticed their good pal Tuxedo Mask across the street. They ran up to him.

"Hey, Tuxedo Mask!" Zoisite exclaimed happily.

"Zoisite," scowled Mamoru.

Andrew turned to Darien. "Why does he think you're Tuxedo Mask? You're just Darien in a Tuxedo Mask costume!"

"Um yeah."

"Say, Tuxedo Mask. That's a lot of candy you got there." said Zoisite.

"What are you getting at?" he asked.

"Well, you probably have my favorite candy in there, and I probably have some of yours. You know what we should do? Let's pool all our candy!"

"Good idea! Then we can each pick out what we like the most!"

"I don't know about that, Mamoru," said Serena. "They seem sketchy."

"Relax, Serena. I've got it."

Mamoru poured his bin of candy in the middle.

Zoisite tossed in the two Tootsie Rolls he had gathered from that family he slaughtered.

"Hey, what gives. That's not a fair contribution!"

Suddenly, Kunzite appeared in the middle.

"Hey, you were just standing over there! What gives?"

Kunzite scooped up all the candy, and fled with Zoisite.

"I'll get you crazy kids!" shouted Mamoru.

"What was that all about?" asked Andrew.

* * *

Zoisite and Kunzite arrived at the house at the end of the street. "Woah, look at the giant mansion! I'm not going up there," said Kunzite.

"We have to! They look rich, and rich people will give out a lot of candy!" reasoned Zoisite.

"Well count me out," said Kunzite.

"Aww, you scared?" taunted Zoisite.

"No."

"Then why aren't you going?"

"I'm tired on my feet."

"But you're hovering above the ground!"

"You think that doesn't tire me out?"

"No, because I've been floating just as long. If you go, I'll give you one of Mamoru's snickers!"

"Count me in!" said Kunzite.

Ten minutes later, they reached the top of the hill.

"That was a real work out," said Zoisite. "If only my personal trainer Jed Ite was here."

"Wait why didn't we just teleport," asked Kunzite.

"Cuz that'd be cheating," said Zoisite. "Say, this place looks kind of familiar. Oh well," he said, knocking on the door.

They were shocked when Jadeite and Nephrite answered.

"Hello, kids!" said Nephrite. "Who are you guys supposed to be."

"Nephrite, you dunce! It's us, Zoisite and Kunzite!"

"I didn't know they made Zoisite and Kunzite costumes. I thought they only made costumes for the popular ones, like Jadeite. I've seen like three of him today."

"No, we're really Zoisite and Kunzite."

"Nice try, but those aren't very convincing costumes. Your Zoisite wig isn't even the right color."

"?"

"Well, take some candy!" said Jadeite passing them a handful each.

As they took it in their hands, it started zapping them and sucking their energy.

"WTF!" yelled Zoisite.

"I told you this was a bad idea," said Kunzite.

They laid there, drained of energy.

Zoisite summoned a youma before passing out. The youma started beating up Jadeite and Nephrite.

"Wow, Neph, this guy's costume is really creative. Besides the off colored wig, they actually were very realistic."

* * *

The four Shitennou stood before Queen Beryl.

"So guys, how'd it go," she asked.

"We got a little energy!" exclaimed Jadeite with pride.

"OUR ENERGY!" yelled a weakened Kunzite.

"We got lots of candy!" said Zoisite.

"All I got was a rock :(" said Nephrite.

"Wow, I'm impressed with this energy you managed to gather.

"OUR ENERGY!" added Kunzite, again.

"Yeah whatever, energy is energy."

"Wait, if we can just use each other's energy, why don't we just take energy from the youmas and each other?" Jadeite asked suddenly.

"Because the youmas are the ones who get energy!" said Queen Beryl.

"Then why don't they take energy from other youmas?" Jadeite continued.

"Because those youmas need to take energy!"

"No I think you're missing the point here..."

"Jadeite one more outburst like that and you're fin."

"Suck it Beryl!" said Jadeite.

"I'd bet you'd like that, queerboy!" shouted Queen Beryl.

* * *

Earlier...

* * *

Zoisite and Kunzite had reached a strange temple at the top of a large staircase.

"This place seems familiar," she said to Kunzite.

Suddenly, crows jumped out and started beating them up.

"QUICK RUN TO THE TOP SO WE CAN GET CANDY!" she yelled, running up the stairs rather than teleporting.

They were greeted by Gramps.

"Trick-or-treat!" they said, out of breath.

"Hmmm, I'll give you a treat alright. Say, are you two a couple?" Gramps asked.

"Why, yes." said Zoisite happily.

"Wanna be a triple?" asked Grandpa.

They knocked him down and took his candy and his rainbow crystal.

FIN


	9. Snail Watching

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

All he got in response was his echo.

"Queen Beryl? I-I found...?"

But Queen Beryl was no where to be found.

"Huh," thought Jadeite. "Something must be wrong!"

He looked all over the palace for her, screaming "QUEEN BERYL! I FOUND A NEW SOURCE OF ENERGAH!" but he couldn't locate her.

"She's not here," said a voice from behind him. It was Nephrite.

"Then why'd you let me search the entire palace, three times?"

"LOL"

"Where is she, then?" asked Jadeite.

"Her and Kunzite are out watching horse races"

* * *

"Alright Kunzite, did you do what I asked?" asked Queen Beryl.

"That's right, Queen Berly, I stole the energy of all the horses except for number 18"

"Wait 18?! I said all the horses except number 8!"

"uh oh"

"You owe me 9999999 negabucks!"

"uh oh"

* * *

"So what are we supposed to do today?" asked Jadeite.

"Idk but Ima go see my bae Molly. You should get yourself one of those." responded Nephrite, warping away.

"I know what I'll do! I'll fulfill my lifelong dream of becoming an ballerina!" With that, Jadeite warped away as well, to go on a soul-searching adventure.

* * *

Nephrite arrived in the seat in front of Molly at the chocolate milkshake place.

"Woah, Maxfield Stanton! Where did you come from?" said Molly

"Oh, we're still doing this?" Nephrite took a sip of his chocolate milkshake. "Eww this is awful."

Suddenly, a wild Melvin appeared.

"HIDY HO, IT'S MELVIN!" he said, lunging over to the table and pushing Nephrite out of his seat.

"So, Molly! Are you ready to be my girl!" said Melvin.

"Who's this bozo-clown?" asked Nephrite, brushing the dust off his Maxfield costume.

"Nephri- I mean Maxwell, this is my good pal Melvin. Don't be mean to him," said Molly.

"Yeah Maxie, don't be mean to me. It will make me constipated!" responded Melvin.

"Nope, I'm not doing this if he's here," said Nephrite, getting ready to leave.

"Come on, Maxfield! You two need to learn to get along if you and I are going to be a couple."

"WAIT I THOUGHT WE WERE A COUPLE, MOLLY?!" gasped Melvin.

"Nah, he's not dead now, that changes everything."

Melvin started sobbing, so Nephrite blasted him.

"NEPHRITE!" yelled Molly in shock. "You better make this up to him!" she yelled, gesturing to a battered and milkshake covered Melvin.

"Fine, what do you want me to do?"

"Well, you can start by going to his snail watching club! He's the only member! It must be lonely."

"Why would I do that," asked Nephy.

":(" said Molly, emotively.

"Fiiiiiineeeeeee," sighed Nephrite. "But only if you come too!"

"Ok!"

* * *

Nephrite appeared at Melvin's snail watching club/the dumpster behind the school.

"WHERE'S MOLLY?" he menacingly asked Melvin.

"Oh, she said she couldn't make it. She was gonna be late for DANCE CLASS!"

"Dammit Molly," said Nephrite, getting ready to leave.

"Wait!" cried Melvin. "I'll tell Molly you left! And I'll tell Queen Beryl you're dating a 14 year old!"

"Wtf, Melvin. You're savage."

"Now sit down and watch snails with me!" squealed Melvin.

Nephrite sat down mid air, and hovered above the snails.

"So, what exactly do they do?" he asked.

"Well, sometimes they crawl. Sometimes they go to sleep. One time I even saw two bump into each other!"

"Just kill me now, Queen Beryl!" Nephrite yelled to the stars.

* * *

Queen Beryl froze mid corndog that she bought with Kunzite's money.

"Kunzite?"

"Yes, Queen?" he asked.

"I don't know why, but I think I'm gonna kill Nephrite later."

"Why?" asked Kunzite, disinterestingly.

"He's just asking for it."

"Well, that's a little harsh, Queen."

"Suck it, Kunzite!"

* * *

It was three hours into the snail watching club, and one snail had almost moved a full foot. Melvin was shaking with anticipation.

"Isn't this great?" he asked his new pal Nephy.

Nephrite woke, with a start. "Huh, where am I? Did Queen Beryl kill me yet?"

"Nephrite, were you not paying attention? Now we have to start over!" Melvin said, moving the snail back to the start.

Nephrite let out a sigh, smashing his head against a wall.

"What was that about," asked Melvin, offended. "You're acting like you don't enjoy watching snails!"

"I'm only doing this for Molly," sneered Nephrite.

"Well, you shouldn't bother. Molly's mine!" Melvin retorted.

"Fat chance, Dweebizoid." barked Nephrite.

"Hey, don't call me a Dweebizoid, you faggot!"

"Woah," said Nephrite, startled.

Melvin clenched his fists. "I've had just about enough of you."

"You wanna go noob boy?" Nephrite taunted.

"You asked for it!"

"Well come at me, Negatrash!"

"Wut?" said Melvin

"Huh?" said Nephrite

Melvin had just about enough of this Nephrite character.

He charged shrieking "THIS ONE'S FOR MOLLLLLLY!"

Melvin threw a wild punch but Nephrite blocked it with one hand. Melvin fell back clenching his hand "OWOOOOOOO!"

Melvin stood back up and tried to punch Nephrite but he sidestepped and Melvin toppled over into his snails.

"Is that all you got four eyes!?"

Melvin stood up and this time he was mad. He transformed into his ultimate form: Tuxedo Melvin.

"STEAL MY GIRL?! NO WAY!"

Nephrite took the offensive this time but he slipped and threw his punch too early and missed and Melvin used the opening and slugged Nephrite hard in the face.

It was a critical hit and Nephrite was in a peril state.

"Alright I'm done fooling around!" bluffed Nephrite and he put on his tuxedo because for some reason he needed that to take someone's energy. He started taking Melvin's energy but a rose hit him and he turned to see Tuxedo Mask.

"I don't like the way you bad guys steal my identitah!" beckoned Mamoru

Almost imedietly after Sailor Moon showed up.

"Quick get the fake Tuxedo Mask!" ordered Mamoru

Serena spun around in a panic. "You want me to kill Melvin? Well if you insist..."

"No get Nephrite!"

"Which one is Nephrite!"

Suddenly, Zoisite appeared. "The Silver Imperium Moon crystal of the Moon Kingdom must be somewhere around here." she exclaimed looking down at her black crystal thing.

She looked up and saw three tuxedo masks. "lolno" and she disappeared.

Nephrite used the diversion to try and make a hasty retreat.

"Quick, Sailor Moon!" yelled Mamoru. "Get Nephrite already! He's the one making a run for it!"

"That's exactly what Nephrite would say!" yelled Serena, blasting Mamoru.

"Whywhywhy" he said as he fell back out the window. His mask fell off, revealing he was Mamoru. Nephrite was too busy chortling.

"Oh no! I chose wrong!" cried Sailor Moon. "I'll get the real one this time!" she yelled, shooting Melvin brutally.

"SAILOR MOON WHY!" he cried. She recognized his nasally voice. "Ah well." she thought.

"Come on, Sailor Moon!" yelled Mamoru. "There's only one Tuxedo Mask left! It must be Nephrite!"

"Gotcha!" she said. She charged up her Moon Tiara Action.

Nephrite stopped in his tracks like a deer in headlights. He was too mortally wounded from his scrap with Melvin. He was unable to dodge.

Suddenly, Molly appeared!

"No, Sailor Moon, stop!" she wailed, stepping in the way of the projectile.

Serena tried to stop the tiara but Molly jumped in too abruptly. Molly was obliterated.

"NOOOOO!" cried everyone in the room, except Mamoru who didn't really care.

Nephrite was overcome by fury, at all those involved in the events that caused this.

He began pummeling Melvin. Sailor Moon tried to stop him, but got confused and shot Melvin again. Nephrite was about to finish them all off. He charged the one last energy blast, that would be the death of them all.

Suddenly, Queen Beryl appeared. "Nephrite, I heard you wanted to die," she began.

"Uh, no Queen. I was just being dramatic."

"Well, I came all the way out here. I lost 9999999 dollars. That's not really your fault, but someone's gonna have to die.

Melvin struggled to his feet. "HEY, HIDY HO! Who are you supposed to be?"

Nephrite killed Melvin. Queen Beryl clapped, but was mad she didn't get to do the killing. She settled for slaughtering a few snails.

* * *

Back in the palace, Queen Beryl questioned what her Shitennou had done today.

Jadeite started. "Well, I got a ton of energy from this group of toddlers. Then I sucked the elderly of their energy, getting so much that I-"

Queen Beryl cut him off. "BORING!"

"What did you do, Nephyboy?"

"I watched snails and slaid a nerd," beamed Nephrite.

"Wonderful. You get a raise, Nephrite."

Jadeite started crying.

Kunzite appeared crying, as well. "You won't believe the things I had to do to get that money, Queen Beryl. I hope it was worth it."

Zoisite also appeared crying. "THREE TUXEDO MASKS?! WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?! BESIDES LIKE KILL PEOPLE AND SHIT?!"

Jadeite, Zoisite, and Kunzite huddled together and did a group sob.

"Just kill me now!" wailed Jadeite.

"My pleasure!" responded the Queen.

"No, wait-!"

FIN

* * *

RIP JADITE

1678-12BC

He will be missed

Until next chapter

* * *

RIP MELVIN

"Hidy ho!"

2001-2003

* * *

RIP MOLLY

"She was kind of asking for it"

"It was only a matter of time"

"I'm gonna be late for DANCE CLASS!"

"Boston ain't got nothin on me"

"MAWWWLLLY"

1991-9999999 negabucks


	10. Celery

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"I DON'T GIVE A DAMN! YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF TRASH! I AM SO SICK OF YOU!" Queen Beryl screamed, swinging her ball around in a fit of madness.

"My Queen! What has brought you to say such cruel things!?"

"THE METS LOST THE SUPER BOWL! NEVER SPEAK TO ME AGAIN! I WILL KEEEEEELL YOU!"

Jadeite gasped. Suddenly, Nephrite appeared.

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Nephrite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Oh hello, Nephrite. What is it?" said Queen Beryl.

"WTF," said Jadeite, warping away.

"I'll just ask the stars who is at the peak of their lives!" Nephrite explained.

"That's dumb," Queen Beryl responded.

"Y U DO DIS?" Nephrite said in anger, warping back to his home.

* * *

He walked into his observatory.

"The stars know all. Everything is ruled by the stars. Everything is ruled by the stars, who know all. The stars; the knowers of all; everything; is ruled by them. The stars know and rule all. Everything is the stars. I am stars, stars are light, light is stars, I am stars. Everything is light, stars are light, I am light, stars are night. Night stars are stars they are, and rule everything har har har."

The stars turned to face Nephrite.

"How are you?" they asked.

"Not very good," he said sadly. "Oh stars, why does Queen Beryl bully me?"

The stars thought for a second. "Maybe it's because you suck?"

"No, no, that can't be it."

"Woah, you have a house!" someone commented. Nephrite turned around to see Zoisite.

"Yes, you've been here like 20 times," Nephrite responded. "Now get out."

"Why should we?" asked Zoisite.

"We?" asked Nephrite. He then saw Jadeite and Kunzite standing there as well. "Grrr..."

"You should get out because it's making Nephrite have a rage fit," the stars said to Zoisite.

"Woah, what's that?" asked Jadeite.

"HEY!" yelled Nephrite. "YOU STARS SHOULD ONLY ANSWER MY QUESTIONS!"

"They answer your questions?" asked Kunzite.

"Yes," Nephrite explained. "They tell me who is at the peak of their energy. They know all."

"Can they tell you other stuff?" asked Zoisite.

"Well yes, but they should only be used for the most important of-"

"WOAH!" screamed Jadeite. "AM I HANDSOME?" he asked the stars.

"WHAT'S NEPHRITE'S MIDDLE NAME?" Zoisite asked.

"WHY IS MY NAME CHANGED TO MALACHITE IN THE DUB, WHEN EVERYONE ELSE JUST HAS VARIATIONS OF THEIR REGULAR NAMES?" Kunzite screamed to them.

"STOP THAT!" screamed Nephrite. "STARS, DON'T ANSWER THEM!"

"Don't tell us what to do," the stars responded. "You don't own us!"

The stars began to answer the others' questions against Nephrite's wishes. "Jadeite, no. Zoisite, his middle name is Gaylord. Kunzite, it's because the first syllable of your name sounds like-"

"ALL OF YOU GET OUT!" Nephrite shouted, pushing them out the door.

"Party pooper!" yelled Zoisite as he slammed the door.

Nephrite sighed. "Ugh, the nerve of some people."

He turned back to the stars. "What should I do now, stars?"

"I don't freaking know, Nephrite. Leave me alone." they replied.

"Sounds like a plan!" he said happily. "Time to get that massage I've been saving up for."

The minute he disappeared, Jadeite slowly opened the door. "Is he gone," he asked.

"Yes lol," said the stars.

"Oh boy oh boy oh boy!" yelled Jadeite, shutting the door behind him.

"So, stars. Why don't you think I'm handsome?"

"Meh. You're just our type." they said.

"Say, would I look better if I grew a mustache?" Jadeite asked.

"It couldn't hurt," they said.

"Ok, I have a serious question now. Is Queen Beryl disappointed in me?"

* * *

Nephrite lay in the mud bath, with kiwi wedges on his eyes. He felt a minor disturbance in the cosmos, but he figured it was no biggie.

"Hmm, I don't know how I should feel about my fellow Shitennous knowing about the stars' powers. They might try to abuse them," he thought to himself.

"Nah," he figured. "Despite all our bickering, they're my good pals, and they would never mess with them without my permission. Except for..."

* * *

Zoisite teleported into Nephrite's observatory.

"WooOOOooooOOOOoooo!" he laughed, slyly.

"So, stars," he began. He pulled out a five dollar bill and layed it on the ground, looking at the stars expectantly. The stars raised an eyebrow. He nudged the five dollar bill closer to them with his foot.

"Are you trying to bribe us?" the stars asked.

"Hey, I thought you knew all."

The stars sighed. "It was more of a rhetorical question. What do you want."

"So you know that guy Nephrite?"

"Yes," they said, rolling their eyes.

"So the other day, I pushed him down a flight of stairs. He said he wasn't angry, but I think he was."

"Yes, he was quite pissed off."

"WooooOOOoOooOOo! I knew it!" Zoisite laughed.

"I have another question. What is Nephrite's deepest darkest secret?"

"He was a bed wetter until he was 18."

"WOT?! What's Nephrite's greatest fear?"

"Celery."

Zoisite gasped. "Marvelous!" He pulled out a notepad and began jotting this stuff down. "What's his social security number?"

"6969696969."

"WoooOOOOoooOOOOoooO! What's his computer login password?"

"MollyIzHawt111."

"WooooOOOOOooOooOOooooOOOOOOOooOOooOOOOoooOooOoOo! Do you think he would be mad if I deleted all his files?"

"Yes."

"Wepaewrhojperophwerg !" Zoisite couldn't contain himself, and warped away to Nephrite's computer lab.

The stars were really starting to get annoyed with answering these retarded questions. They thought they could get some well needed rest, when Kunzite appeared.

"Hello, stars," he began.

"OH GAWD!" they screamed.

"So today, I went down to the supermarket," Kunzite said.

"Is this going to be a question," they asked him.

"Oh yeah, yeah, I'm getting there. So anyway, I got to the store, and they were out of 2% milk. I had to choose between 1% and whole milk. It was very hard, but at last I chose whole milk. But when I got home, Zoisite said I should have chosen 1%, and that he didn't want the whole milk. So I had to go back to the store, but when I got there, they were out of 1% milk. So I said to the cashier, 'Why are you so low on milk?' And he said, 'Today's the county fair cook-off!' And I thought, 'Hmm, that would be a fun thing to participate in!'"

"JUST GET ON WITH THE QUESTION!" the stars scolded.

"So I go home, and I ask Zoisite if he wants to go to the cook-off with me. But he said he didn't know how to cook and he didn't want to go. So I asked a cooking youma. But then he got mad and said that he actually did want to go, and he didn't know why I would ask a youma. So we went to the cook-off, but then we didn't know how to cook. So we asked someone to help us, but they said that they wanted to win, and that would be counter-productive. So we killed him. But then,"

"WHAT IS THE QUESTION!" the stars cried.

"Wait, I was supposed to ask a question?"

"WAAAA!" screamed the stars. After eons upon eons, they had finally snapped. They started sputtering and foaming at the mouth.

"Well, since I'm here anyway, what's the winning lottery numbers?"

"FFS I AM SO DONE!" the stars yelled. Suddenly, they had an idea. If people were just going to ask them for stupid shit all day, and make them listen to their problems, they should strike back. They should lie! "What I meant to say is," they began, "the winning lottery numbers are 69 69 69 69."

"Hey, isn't that Nephrite's social security number?" Kunzite asked.

"Naw."

"Fair enough. Alright, ima go buy 1,000,000 tickets!" he said, warping away.

"Finally! Some peace!" the stars said, relieved.

But just then, Queen Beryl appeared.

"HOLY SHIT WE NEVER GET A BREAK!" the stars yelled. "I know," they whispered to each other. Let's lie to her too!"

"Stars," she asked. "How can I take over the world?"

"Oh, it's quite simple," the stars lied. "You must send your generals out one at a time, and kill them off when they fail. Then, you must never intervene, even as the Sailor Scouts grow stronger. Finally, you should kidnap Prince Endymion. He will never betray you, we promise."

"Brilliant!" yelled Queen Beryl, going back to her thrown room.

The stars sighed, and then initiated their nap, at long last.

* * *

"MawlyIzHawt111" Zoisite typed into Nephrite's computer.

The desktop opened up, and the background was a picture of Jadeite?

"That's strange," Zoisite thought. Suddenly, Zoisite had a deliciously evil thought. He clicked on Nega Chrome, and clicked on Nephrite's search history.

"OH MY GAWD!" he screamed in horror. "WHO WOULD? WHY? WHY DOES THE INTERNET EVEN HAVE THESE THINGS?"

He warped away, ready to burn his eyes out with fire.

Nephrite appeared, just missing Zoisite. "Hey, why is my computer logged in. Oh well, must have just left it on."

He looked over at his own search history in shame. "Dang, why didn't I just use Nega Incognito?"

"Anyway, I'm home, stars!" he called out to his good pals.

He began to walk into his observatory, when he tripped on something and fell in a strange pile. He pulled up some energy to light up the room, and gasped in sheer terror.

"CELERY!?" He screamed. "NOOOOOOOO! MY ONLY WEAKNESS!" he ran around in circles sobbing.

At this point, Kunzite slammed open the door.

"I SPENT EVERY. LAST. DIME. AND NOW I HAVE NOTHING, BECAUSE YOUR STUPID STARS GAVE ME THE WRONG LOTTERY NUMBERS! THEY REPOSSESSED MY CASTLE! THEY EVEN STOLE THE CLOTHES OFF MY BACK!" he screamed, wrapping his only remaining possession, his cape, around himself.

"WA?" asked Nephrite, still recoiling in terror.

"Wtf is all this celery? You have a problem," said Kunzite, warping away all the celery.

Nephrite snapped out of his confusion. "Huh?"

"UR GONNA PAY FOR THIS!" yelled Kunzite.

"Wut? I didn't do anything!" Nephrite exclaimed. "Right, stars?"

The stars didn't respond.

"Uh... stars? Back me up here, come on!"

Kunzite rolled up his non-existent sleeves and cracked his knuckles.

Nephrite had to think fast. He was on his own. "Uhh..." he began. "Look over there! It's Zoisite, nude!"

Kunzite spun around. "WHERE?"

Nephrite knocked him over while he was distracted and ran out the door.

"WHY I OUGHTA!" Kunzite yelled, running after him into the woods.

Nephrite appeared back in his mansion. "Phew, that was a close one," he said, shutting the door.

"But WTF stars? Why didn't you help me?"

The stars scowled. "Because, we're sick of you and all your crap. We know all. You could have asked us the meaning of life, or the history of the universe. But every day, we wake up to 'Who's at the peak of their life this time?' and 'What should I wear to my date with Molly tonight.' You'd be mad too if someone awoke you from your eternal sleep just to ask which flavor of ice cream they should buy."

"But! That was important!" Nephrite tried to explain.

"Nope, we're done with you. We're never going to answer your dumb questions again." the stars said.

"NO! You do as I order. I am the master of stars!"

"You ain't the boss of me!" the stars yelled.

"I'll rekt ur shit m8!" Nephrite challenged.

"Come say that to my face, ya lil queer!" the stars shouted.

"MAYBE I WILL!" Nephrite yelled. He flew threw the roof of his mansion and straight up into space. He was never heard from again.

* * *

"Kunzite!" Queen Beryl barked. "WHY ARE YOU NUDE?"

"I spend all my money on the lottery and lost! They took it all!"

"Lol!" said Queen Beryl.

Suddenly Zoisite showed up, nude as well.

"Oh no!" Kunzite said, half concerned. "They took all your stuff too?

"Nah, Nephrite just called me over. He said he needed me to be naked to create a diversion. I wonder what that was about."

"Can you queers shut up and put some clothes on?" said Queen Beryl.

"But we don't have any!"

"No need to fear, mustache Jadeite is here!" Jadeite yelled, appearing with spare clothes for them.

"Woah, Jadeite, you look different!" Queen Beryl exclaimed. "Somehow, you look... handsomer. How about you come with me to the back, I have something to, uh... show you!"

Jadeite turned around and winked at Zoisite and Kunzite, and followed Queen Beryl into her bedroom.

It was quiet for a second. Zoisite and Kunzite looked at each other for a moment, and then they heard Jadeite shriek.

"WAAAA I'M TOO HANDSOME NOW TO DIE!"

They watched as energy shined out of the room. Queen Beryl emerged moments later, covered in blood.

"So, which one of you wants to fight all five of the sailors alone?"

FIN


	11. Queen Beryl's Death!

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"What is it?" asked Queen Beryl.

"No, I mean I found the store, 'A New Source of Energy!' They have all the latest fashion trends!"

"Why are we at a mall again?" asked Kunzite.

"Even bad guys have to go shopping sometimes!" Queen Beryl explained.

"Queen, can I buy a dress there," asked Zoisite.

"Shut it, queer. Breaking dress code by not wearing your uniform is a Code 2 violation."

"What happens if I get a Code 2 violation?" Zoisite wondered.

"You die."

"I see."

"Can we go explore the mall now?" Jadeite asked filled with giddy.

"Alright," Queen Beryl agreed. "Here, take 20 bucks each."

The four Shitennou gasped in marvel. They hadn't been paid since the Silver Millennium.

"Now you boys have fun," said Queen Beryl. "Just stay out of my hair."

They all took off sprinting.

"WAIT!" she called. "Do whatever you want with that money, just don't buy candy."

They all stopped dead in their tracks.

"BUT QUEEN BERYL!" they whined in unison. "WHYYYYY?"

"Because you can buy a whole sack of it at the grocery for the same price you only get like a single piece here."

"BUT IT'S NOT THE SAME!"

"Quiet, before I lose my patience!" Queen Beryl scolded. They took off again, as fast as they could.

"Finally, a moment of peace," Queen Beryl said to herself. "I haven't had one of these since the Silver Millennium!"

She walked down to her favorite store, "Crystal Balls R Us." Upon entering, she saw her pal Wiseman, and gave him a nod and a peace sign.

"Sup, Wisey?" she asked.

"Oh not much. Just serving the Doom Phantom, and then becoming him just to be killed by my own screw ups."

"Same!" Queen Beryl nodded, knowingly.

Once Queen Beryl walked away, Wiseman shook his skeletal head. "It's a shame really, but I've been to Crystal Tokyo, and I haven't seen her there..."

"WHAT'S THAT, CLOAK BOY?" Queen Beryl shouted, spinning around to face him.

Wiseman yelped and warped back to his time.

After an hour of pacing, Queen Beryl finally narrowed down her choice to a scarlet crystal ball or a ruby crystal ball. She decided to ask the cashier what she'd look best rubbing all day.

Before the cashier could even give the same "I don't care," response he gave everytime she shopped there, a robber ran in!

"Screw off, robber!" she told him. "I was robbing this store first!"

The robber pulled a gun. Queen Beryl let out a hardy laugh.

"Hahahahahaha your Earth guns are nothing compared to my evil immorali-"

Suddenly, Queen Beryl got shot. It was in the chest, and she cracked into a million pieces.

"Oh shiiiiiiiit!" she wailed as she turned into Negadust.

The robber, oblivious to his recent murder, stepped up to the counter and pulled the gun on the cashier. He demanded change for a dollar, and then ran away.

* * *

Zoisite was going his tenth round on the mall merry-go-round when it stopped yet again. "Another go around, my good sir," he said, handing the operator another dollar.

"My kids wanna ride! Get off, you freak!" some parent yelled.

"Just for that, I'm doing another ten laps!" he called back. But then he got a weird feeling, like Queen Beryl was in trouble. He lept off the merry-go-round and headed in her general direction. But, as an afterthought, he blew up the merry-go-round so that parent couldn't have her kids ride.

As he hurried to Beryl, he passed a hot dog stand. "Well, Queen Beryl might want back the money we didn't spend. Gotta make full use of it!" he decided, getting in the long line.

* * *

"I'M SO FAT!" sobbed Nephrite, as he gobbled candy uncontrollably. "Queen Beryl's gonna beat me up for this, but I don't even care! Mall candy is better than store candy! SUUUUGGAAAAAR!" he shouted, blasting the manager away with his other hand.

Just then, as he dove into a vat of liquid chocolate, he heard Queen Beryl scream in the distance. "Oh no!" he thought. "Molly is in danger, again? Oh well, better finish this chocolate vat."

* * *

Kunzite roamed around the Mall Art Gallery.

"Hmm," he wondered aloud. "Which of these exquisite paintings would go best in my castle?"

A worker tried to help. "Well this one is called the Mona Lisa. It goes well pretty much anyway."

"Idk, my castle is a work of art. I wouldn't want it to be put off balance."

"What's the color scheme of your castle? Maybe that would help your selection," the worker commented.

"Ummm, black? And I guess there's some more black, some shades of gray, maybe a little purple?"

The art worker was stumped. Meanwhile Kunzite wandered over to the Loni Lenai exhibit (that artist from that episode that made a paiting of Mamoru and Serena). He looked at all the Silver Millennium-esque pictures, when he saw one that stood out to him. It was the Moon Kingdom in shambles, as the Dark Kingdom raided it.

"This is the one," he declared.

"Oooh, that's a good choice! It's a one of a kind, priceless painting. Perfect to furnish any evil home."

Suddenly, Kunzite heard Queen Beryl's wail in the distance. He took off out of the store.

"HEY!" yelled the worker. "Aren't you going to buy this painting?"

"Nah lol, I only had 20 bucks anyway."

* * *

"Oh boy oh boy oh boy!" Jadeite jumped up and down, putting his 20 bucks in the massage chair.

"1 hour massage of relaxation and bliss, here we go!" he said, about to sit down. "I really needed this!"

Right before he touched the massage chair, he heard Queen Beryl.

"WAAAAAA!" he yelled, slamming his fists down and reluctantly heading in her direction.

Usagi walked up. "Ooooh! Someone left a free massage on here! I can always count on the kindness of strangers!"

"Or, someone just had to go do something, and is coming back for it." Rei tried to explain.

"Suck it, Rei!"

* * *

All four Shitennou united in Crystal Balls R Us. They ran to Queen Beryl's pile of remains.

"Oh no!" cried Jadeite. "We were too late!"

"That's really a shame," said Zoisite, eating his hot dog. "Oh no!" he cried suddenly.

"Did you just take in what the reality of Beryl's untimely death will mean to us?" asked Kunzite.

"No, I just realized I forgot the mustard!"

Nephrite noticed a note lying on Beryl's scraps. "What's this?" he asked, picking it up and showing his gang.

"I think it's Queen Beryl's will!" Jadeite exclaimed.

"Oh boy, I hope she left me that dress!" said Zoisite. "I mean... nah, I mean dress."

Kunzite began to read aloud. "I, Queen Beryl, possessor of the Negaverse and ruler of its thrown, heretoforth bestow all of my property, possessions, and crystal balls to my most loyal and faithful servant, yet most trusted ally and friend..."

All the Shitennou took a deep breath as Kunzite flipped over the page to reveal who Queen Beryl's favorite general was. Each of them was certain it would be them.

"MAMORU-CHIBA!?" Kunzite screamed in horror. He tore up the will in fury, but it just reappeared on her ashes.

Jadeite grabbed it in disbelief, sure that Kunzite had misread. But upon a further look, he realized that that wasn't even the worst of it!

"I shall also grant my good pal Mamo-chan my four faithful Shitennou!"

GASP!

"She can't just give us away!" Zoisite exclaimed. "We're not property!"

Nephrite eyed the will in horror. "According to this, we are! WAIT! She did leave us something! It says we can go take all the contents under her mattress!"

"Oh boy!" Kunzite said. "It's gotta be money, or something good!"

Upon warping back to the Negaverse, they flipped Beryl's mattress.

"It's just a bunch of sheets of paper!" Nephrite yelled.

"Not just any sheets of paper, bills! All her bills since the Silver Millennium!" Jadeite cried. "And holy shit, was electricity expensive back in the stone age!"

They all started to sob.


	12. The Negaverse Goes Green

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"What is it, Jadeite?" she asked.

"Solar energy!" he exclaimed.

"Huh?" asked the queen.

"It's what the humans call energy from the sun! By tapping into the sun's abundance of energy, we can get all the power we need without harming our environment and damaging the ozone layer. Other fuel sources, such as fossil fuels and nuclear power, produce harmful CO2 omissions that can deplete our atmosphere."

"Where did you get that from, Jadeite?"

"Google. So what do you say, Queen? Are you ready to go green?"

"Why the hell would I do that? We're just going to destroy the world anyway in a couple of weeks," Queen Beryl tried to explain.

"But you see, by minimizing our carbon footprint, we can do our share of making the world a greener and better place."

"We're literally putting sun spots on the sun. I don't care about the Earth."

"The Earth cares about you. It's time to give back!" called Jadeite. "We have to stop global warming!"

"I'll cut down on wasting energy, then. By not wasting any more time and energy on your bullshit!"

"That's the first step on the road to a healthier- wait a second! WAAAAAA!"

"Nephrite!" Queen Beryl summoned.

"Yes, my Queen?"

"Throw this away in the tra- I mean recylcing bin!"

* * *

One fine morning in the Negaverse, Nephrite strolled in. But something was different about him.

He was wearing a tuxedo and shades, like he was about to go out for a night on the town.

"Woah!" said Kunzite. "Since when have you looked so good?"

"WA?!" screamed Zoisite in horror. "Kunzite, how could you? That's NEPRHITE! His middle name is GAYLORD! EWWW!"

"Relax, Zoisite. I'm just saying, he looks better than usual."

"WA?!" screamed Zoisite in horror. "Kunzite, how could you?"

"How could I what? I'm allowed to make a statement," said Kunzite.

"WA?!" screamed Zoisite in horror. "Kunzite, how could you? Not when that statement is about the attractiveness of another guy! My enemy, nonetheless!"

"I thought we were buds?" asked Nephrite, hurt.

"Not when u tryna steal my man, ho!" Zoisite yelled, kicking him in the face.

They got in a scrap.

"Zoisite, leave him alone!" said Kunzite.

"WA?!" screamed Zoisite in horror. "Kunzite, how could you? You didn't tell him to leave me alone! You must like him better!"

"You're choking him to death," explained Kunzite.

"WAAAAAWJEGWEGJ!" groaned Nephrite, gasping for air.

"I'm done with you!" screamed Zoisite. "I'm breaking up with you!"

"Come on, now, it's been a thousand years..."

"WOW, you don't even care that I'm breaking up with you? I'm breaking up with you for real now!"

Nephrite tried to pry Zoisite's fingers from around his neck, but he was losing energy fast.

"Stop killing Nephrite," Kunzite said.

"ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS NEPHRITE!" he yelled, strangling Nephrite harder.

"You..." coughed Nephrite. "Need... *cough* couples' counseling!" he yelled before passing out.

Zoisite released his grip and Nephrite dropped to the floor. "COUGH COUGH COUGH!"

"He's right, you know," said Kunzite.

"WOW, HE'S ALWAYS RIGHT IN YOUR EYES, ISN'T HE? IT'S LIKE HIS NAME IS NEPH-RIGHT OR SOMETHING!"

"But-"

"You're both wrong! What we need is couples' counseling! Let's go!" Zoisite shouted at them.

* * *

They appeared at the couples' counseling building. They sat in the waiting room, eavesdropping on the couple that was already in there.

"So, Molly," the shrink began. "How did that make you feel, when Nephrite took your energy?"

"It was so romantic!" she sighed, dreamily.

Finally, the two left and Kunzite and Zoisite had their turn.

"Take a seat," said the counselor, in a familiar voice. "I am Dr. Jed Ite. So, tell me about your problems."

"Jadeite, is that you?" they both asked.

"Can you read? I said I was Jed Ite."

"What does that have to do with reading?" they asked.

"You two seem to have some serious issues. You can't even trust your trustworthy Dr. Jed Ite."

They both glared at him.

"So, are you going to help us out or not?" Kunzite asked.

"Oh, yeah Kunzite, of course," Dr. Jed Ite responded.

"How do you know my name if you're not Jadeite?"

"Hey hey hey, I'm the one who asks the questions here. So, have you been having any disagreements lately?"

"Yes," Zoisite began. "He likes Nephrite more than me!"

"LIES!" Kunzite disagreed.

"Well, I don't blame him," said Jed Ite. "Nephrite sure is a hunkster. If I were Kunzite, I would leave you for a real man like Nephrite. Or that Jadeite character. I heard he's pretty good looking as well."

"How is this supposed to help our relationship?" asked Kunzite, growing increasingly angry.

"Hey, last time I checked, you didn't have a didn't a psychology degree!" Jed Ite yelled, holding up a crayon drawing of Jadeite standing in a field holding a degree.

"That's a fake degree," commented Kunzite.

"Show some respect for the doctor." Zoisite scolded. "So anyway, I was choking Nephrite to death-"

"He's not even a doctor!" Kunzite yelled in a frustrated tone.

"See, this is our problem! You never want to hear my side of the story!" Zoisite sobbed.

"You just made your boyfriend and/or girlfriend sob! You're a monster!" Jed Ite declared.

"That's not helping my relationship!" Kunzite screamed back at him.

"Why would I care about your relationship? I hate both of you!"

"Because you're a relationship psychologist?" Kunzite asked, annoyed.

"I am?" Jed Ite asked.

"I'm out," Kunzite said, walking out the door.

Zoisite grabbed his arm. "No, we need this!"

"Yeah, and I need your energy! I mean money! I mean-" Jed Ite sputtered.

"Ok," Kunzite tried, furious. "If you can fix our problems, do it right now or I leave."

"Hmmm..." Jadeite said, thinking of possibilities. "You know what helps couples? Mutual kindness. Do something nice for someone together. Like that cool guy Jadeite, he deserves some praise now and then. Tell him how much he means to you."

"Why wouldn't we just tell each other how much we mean?" Zoisite asked.

"Uh, sure, but make sure to be nice to Jadeite. He has to go through a lot of shit. Buying him a car wouldn't hurt anything. Maybe inviting him to your castle once and a while, feeding him some dinner. His favorite is tacos. That will mend your problems."

"Yeah..." said Kunzite. "Well we're not doing any of that. Cya!" he said starting to pull Zoisite out the door.

"WAIT WAIT WAIT!" Jed Ite yelled. "You should try my couple's energy snatching cruise! I mean, energy couple's snatching cruise! I mean the boat of death! I mean the Negatanic! I mean- My brother, Jadeit- I mean Jade is a cruise ship driver. If you want to rekindle your love by taking his cruise, I'll give you a small discount!"

"Oooo! A small discount!" Zoisite began. "How much off?"

"Well first you have to give Jadeite some affection..."

"You mean Jade?"

"No..."

Kunzite stormed out the door. Zoisite bought the tickets anyway.

As he walked out the door, Jadeite said goodbye. "Cya round the Negaverse! Don't forget to make Jadeite those tacos!"

"Of course! I'll make sure to tell your brother Jadeite, I mean Jade, that you said hi!"

Kunzite came back in the room impatiently. "You do realize that they're all Jadeite, right?"

"Who?"

* * *

"Come on Zoisite," Kunzite said impatiently. "We're gonna be late for that cruise you spent all our money on."

"Hold on! I'm following the counselor's advice and making Jadeite tacos!"

"We don't have time! Let's go!"

They warped away. Jadeite entered the room and got saddened by the tacos that could have been.

* * *

All the couples boarded the cruise.

Kunzite and Zoisite sat down at a table. Soon, the entertainment began.

"Hello, I am your handsome host, DJ Jedster. Today I will be playing you my favorite diddies! This one's called, I Love Giving Energy to the Negaverse!"

"Meh," Zoisite commented. "I used to like this one, but then the radio overplayed it."

Everyone else seemed to enjoy it, however, and the whole crowd sung along. "Today looks like a wonderful day! To go out and give the Negaverse my ener-jay!"

Another couple took a seat at their table.

"NEPHRITE?!" they both asked.

"And MAWLY!" Mawly commented.

"Eww, go away," Zoisite said.

"Why are you guys on this cruise?" Kunzite asked.

"Our couple's counselor Jed Ite gave us a discount for these tickets! He said his brother Jay Dite was the cruise driver, and that this would fix our relationship."

"Hmmm," Kunzite said suspiciously. "He told US that that was a once in a lifetime deal he would only do for us. And he said the cruise driver was his brother Jade! Something's fishy."

"I'm not sure," said Nephrite. "Honestly, I'm pretty exhausted from making Jadeite tacos, I can't really think straight."

"That Jadeite was so rude!" said Mawly. "He stole me mummy's energyyyyyyyyy-" Molly said, passing out.

Nephrite passed out too. All around them, the couples were dropping like flies.

"HAHAHHAHAA!" DJ Jedster yelled out.

"WHO ARE YOU?!" demanded Kunzite.

DJ Jedster made himself slightly less tan. "It is I! Jadeite! Now people of Earth, lend me your love energy!"

"GASP! It's Jadeite!" Zoisite yelled out in surprise. "I was sure this was gonna be one of Nephrite's flops."

Suddenly, Kunzite noticed something. "Wait, why did everyone pass out but us?"

Zoisite got really offended. "WTF! I have tons of love energy! Why aren't you taking it, Jadeite?"

"Oh... huh. I guess I only thought to take straight love energy."

"AWW HELL NO!" They both yelled him.

Zoisite jumped up on the stage and shoved him. "MY LOVE ENERGY IS JUST AS GOOD AS ANYONE ELSE'S!" he screamed. "TAKE IT, NOW!"

"I can't!" screamed Jadeite. "It'd be too hard to switch the kind of energy I'm taking! Because taking generic energy isn't good enough, it has to be specified!"

"WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT THAT, HUH?!" Zoisite kicked him in the head.

"Zoisite, stop it!" Jadeite tried to reason. "I'll take your energy later, just let me take this energy to Queen Beryl!"

"NO! You take my energy or you take no energy!" Zoisite slapped it out of his hand.

"NOOOOOO!" screamed Jadeite. "Give that back! You're betraying the Negaverse!"

Zoisite tossed it to Kunzite, who turned it into one giant energy ball. He blasted it at Jadeite. Jadeite dodged, but it sunk the ship. Everyone died.

Right before the ship sunk, Kunzite and Zoisite flew up in the air. They floated there and watched the sunset.

"You know, that was pretty sweet how you made sure Jadeite knew how much love energy you had for me!" Kunzite gushed.

"Aww shucks! That was pretty romantic how you killed Jadeite and all those innocent people!" Zoisite said, smiling happily.

"Yeah. It was a shame Nephrite had to die though. He was pretty good looking..."

"WEGJARHEJTWEGJHEKJ!"

* * *

Kunzite and Zoisite stood in Queen Beryl's chamber. Kunzite had a black eye.

"Kunzite! Zoisite!" Queen Beryl hissed. "Is it true you two sabotaged Jadeite's energy plan?"

"Yes."

"LOL NICE! I couldn't have done it better me self!" Queen Beryl commended.


	13. DeShawn's Bird Cage Catastrophe

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"What is it, Jadeite?" Queen Beryl asked with the utmost enthusiasm.

"It's this neato kids' computer game called ClubParakeet!"

"Don't you mean ClubPengu-"

"No no no, that's a copyright. Silly Queen, tricks are for kids!"

"Jadeite, I'm about to kill you in cold blood, right now."

"You won't be, after I tell you what epic thing I'm spending 6 dollars a month on! I've been learning the ways of this kids' game so that I can trick kids to sending me their energy!"

"How do you do that?"

"I pretend to be a 10 year old girl looking for a date."

"That's stupid," said Queen Beryl.

Jadeite pulled out a giant ball of energy. "You won't believe how many idiots fall for it though!"

"Dang," Queen Beryl said. "The human race was much smarter 1000 years ago."

"The only minor mishap was when I accidentally got Nephrite to send me his energy, because he was posing as a 10 year old guy."

"Very well, Jadeite. Get back to work."

"Yeeee! Ima go buy all the backgrounds!"

* * *

Jadeite sat in his room.

"Oh boy oh boy oh boy!" he exclaimed as he logged on. "I bet new room items have come out! My bird cage is going to be AMAZING!"

When he logged on, he was shocked to see he had zero friends.

He gasped. "WHERE DID ALL MY BOYFRIENDS GO!?"

He then saw he had 28 new notifications. He opened them. They were all from his Poofles! They said they ran away from neglect, and because he fed them other poofles and kicked them.

"WHAT?! I treat all my Poofles with love and affections!" Jadeite cried.

"At least all my exclusive, members only clothing items are still- NOOOOOO! WHY!? Where did all my flags go?! And my room items!? And my cool background with lightning and fire! WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING!?"

Zoisite stood behind him laughing. "Tee hee hee hee!"

"ZOISITE HOW COULD YOU?! YOU'rE A DEAD MAN!"

"Oh really?" he challenged. "I don't look like a dead man. Or even a man..."

"WHY WOULD U SPEND THAT MUCH TIME NEGLECTING MY POOFLES AND SELLING ALL MY ITEMS!?"

"Lol, I didn't. I just cancelled your membership and they took it all away."

"WAAAAAAAAAA!"

Suddenly, Nephrite came bursting in.

"I GOT BANNED ON CLUBPARAKEET! FOR 24 HOURS! FOR SAYING 'IMA KEEL U IRL KID.' WHO WOULD GO ON MY ACCOUNT AND SABOTAGE MY HOPES AND DREAMS LIKE THIS?!"

"Lol" said Zoisite.

"WAAAAA! I didn't even care when you killed me and Molly. But this has gone too far!"

He swung at him, but Zoisite teleported away.

* * *

Back in his castle, Zoisite went back on his pengui- I mean parakeet. He had made it to report Nephrite's account for telling him that "ima keel you irl kid."

However, he had stopped by the clothing store, and bought the parakeet a cool pair of pantaloons. While he was there, he figured he might as well check out some furniture for his bird cage. And he might as well check out the "dance club" as well.

At the dance club, a pink parakeet approached him. "Yo, I'm DeShawn. I'm 11 years old, and I gotta tell u. You have some nice mooves. Come ovr to my bird cage 4 a good tym."

"OOOOH!" Zoisite got excited.

At DeShawn's bird cage, they both danced together. "WOAH HOW DID yOU GET A BIGGER BIRD CAGE!?" Zoisite asked.

"I paid 50 dollars of my granny's funeral fund for it."

"NEATO!"

Suddenly, a light blue parakeet showed up. "Hey Deshawn, bb!"

"Wut?" Zoisite asked. "Who is this Paraked?"

"Uh oh," Deshawn thought. His main ho and his side ho in the same bird cage... this was bound to go bad. He shut down his bird cage, kicking them both out. But they both appeared on the skii hill.

"Yo, green parakeet," the blue parakeet said to Zoisite. "What were you doing, dancing with my man?"

"YOUR MAN?! Last I heard, DeShawn was my man!" Zoisite was getting furious. If this was irl, blue parakeet would have been impaled by now.

"Nuh uh! DeShawn said u just a side dish!" Blue parakeet said, throwing a snowball at Zoisite's green parakeet.

"I know how to settle this. 1v1 me at the dojo, kid!" Zoisite challenged.

"I'm not a kid! I just turned 8!" the blue parakeet disagreed.

"Psssh, I'm a couple thousand," Zoisite told her.

"Ya right i bet ur like 3"

"LET's FIGHT!"

They began their dojo fight.

Zoisite had a brilliantly devised attack plan. But then blue parakeet used a members-only item. Zoisite was insta-killed.

"IMA KEEL U IRL!" Zoisite typed in rage. He spammed the message 30 times and then got banned for one hour.

"NUUUUUUUUUU!"

Zoisite went crying to Kunzite. "Bla bla bla story bla bla bla we don't need to repeat what you just read bla bla I got banned!"

Kunzite comforted Zoisite, reaching behind him to log off of his blue parakeet account that had recently reported a bitchy green parakeet. It PROBABLY wasn't Zoisite's green parakeet, but he didn't want to take any risks. He was just happy he got to use his membership item on a non-member.

* * *

Nephrite sat in his mansion.

"Hahahah, Zoisite thought he had me. Good thing I have a back up 11 year old parakeet named DeShawn."


	14. The Road Trip

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

He heard his own echo. He walked up to her thrown to find a letter.

"Gone fishing. Don't go in my room!" the note said.

* * *

Queen Beryl cast her rod in the lake for the tenth time that minute.

"WHY WON'T THEY BITE?!" she screamed.

"You need to be patient, Queen," Kunzite tried to explain.

"SUCK IT KUNZITE!" Beryl scolded.

"SUCK IT KUNZITE!" Evil Mamoru scolded.

"Queen, did we really need to take that guy along?" Kunzite asked.

"Why? Do you have a problem with him?" Queen Beryl questioned.

"Well, for one, he keeps throwing my fish back in the water. For two, he's been slaughtering ALL the fish in the lake, and that's part of the reason you haven't caught anything."

"I don't like the way you bad guys fish for fish," Mamoru told them. "I thought it would be in their best interest to kill them before you guys could."

"Yeah, see, that's the thing!" Kunzite said, pointing to Mamoru. "He's always sabotaging our plans, Queen Beryl!"

"Yeah, but he's a hunkster!"

Kunzite paused suddenly. "Wait, didn't you die a couple of chapters ago?"

"Nah, Queen Metalia revived me. She's revived us all at some point, amirite?" she said, nudging him.

He didn't reply.

"I SAID, AM IRIGHT?!"

"WAHT DO U WANT FROM ME?!" Kunzite cried.

"SAY I'M RIGHT OR I'LL KEEL YOU!" Queen Beryl shouted.

"But Queen! That wouldn't really be called for..." Kunzite tried to reason.

"SAY I'M PRETTIER THAN ZOISITE!" Queen Beryl demanded.

"Why?!"

"I've had about enough of your disobedience, Kunzite!"

Mamoru agreed, "Yeah Queen Beryl, he's just a liability. It's about time you got rid of that guy."

"Oh Mamoru, you're so hunky when you blatantly sabotage the Negaverse!"

Kunzite groaned and cast his rod.

* * *

"Oh no!" Jadeite gasped. "I must go check out Queen Beryl's room!"

Jadeite cautiously opened Queen Beryl's bedroom door. He peaked his head in, and her room was just a rift in time and space. Unspeakable horrors flew by, and he was knocked back by a malicious force.

"WAAA!" he shrieked, colors flashing before his eyes. He slammed into a wall.

"AND STAY OUT!" screamed Queen Metalia.

Jadeite felt lonely without Queen Beryl around. "I know, I'll go pester Nephrite! I'm sure he's just dying to see me!"

But when he got there, Nephrite was not dying to see him. In fact, he was very annoyed.

"Go away, Zoisite!" he scolded without turning around.

"No, it's me, Jadeite, your good pal!" Jadeite explained.

"Go away, Jadeite!"

"Whatcha up to, boy-o?" Jadeite asked.

Nephrite didn't respond. He was browsing the internet for a stamp.

Jadeite looked over his shoulder. "Oooh, what's that?!"

"It's the last stamp to complete my Sailor Moon stamp collection. It's the limited edition 1981 golden sparkly Queen Beryl stamp! There's only one that's ever been printed!"

Nephrite pulled out his stamp collection to show Jadeite the one missing spot.

"SEE!?" he shouted, rubbing the book in Jadeite's face.

"Sure, sure. So are you just going to order it off the internet?"

"I CAN'T!" Nephrite shouted. "I found out there's only one place to buy it. And that's San Diego Comic Con!"

"Oh boy! I've always wanted to go to America!" Jadeite shrieked happily.

"Then let's go on a sky trip! And then a road trip!" Nephrite yelled joyfully.

"Did someone say road trip?" said Zoisite, appearing out of nowhere.

"Go away, Jadeite!" said Nephrite.

"Eww, a road trip with you two sounds awful! Enjoy your terrible time," Zoisite scoffed, starting to walk out the door.

"Good, we didn't want you anyway!"

"Oh, well if you insist I come!" Zoisite said, warping up some luggage.

"NUUUUU!"

* * *

They arrived at the airport. As they were walking along, they bumped into an old enemy, Rei's grandpa.

Jadeite and Zoisite recognized him immediately. Nephrite just shrugged.

"Sup, Gramps!" Zoisite called over to him.

"I FEEL EVIL!" he yelled back.

Zoisite smiled nostalgically. "Good times... good times."

"Hey Jed! How are you doing?" Grandpa asked Jadeite.

"Oh, good, I've found other work since leaving the dojo."

"That's good!" Gramps replied. "We replaced you with this new guy, Chad. He's a real tool, but a hunkster!"

"Ok..."

"So where are you charming young lads headed, anyway?" Gramps asked, winking.

"We're just going to buy a special Sailor Moon stamp," Nephrite explained.

"Do you mean the limited edition one of a kind golden sparkly Beryl stamp?"

"Why yes," said Nephrite. "How did you know?"

"Oh, I'm going there to get that one myself."

"But there's only one of them!" Nephrite exclaimed.

Grandpa made a look of fake compassion. "Oh, that's too bad. I'll make sure to snap a picture of myself with it and send it to you!"

"Aww hell no!" Nephrite screamed, ready for a scrap.

Suddenly, they heard an announcement that a flight had just arrived.

"HAHAHAHAH!" Grandpa laughed, boarding his plane.

"GRRR!" Nephrite scowled. "That's no fair! His plane came first!"

"Wait a minute," Jadeite said. "We can fly! And teleport! Why do we need to take a plane?"

"Because that wouldn't be a sky trip!" Nephrite explained. "Plus, I already bought these tickets!"

Sudenly their plane arrived.

"OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY!" they all yelled and sprinted to the plane and lept on before anyone else.

However, since they ran on so fast they still had to wait for everyone to take their seats, and Nephrite was getting impatient.

"LET'S GO! LET'S GO! LIFT OFF ALREADY! LET'S HOP TO IT! LET'S GO ALREADY!" Nephrite hollored as he kicked the chair in front of him like a little kid.

"Do you mind?" scowled some mom.

Jadeite blasted her. "No I don't!"

Nephrite was really starting to get mad.

"GRAMPS' PLANE IS PROBABLY ALREADY IN THE US!" he shouted.

"Keep it down!"

"ALRIGHT WHO SAID THAT!?" yelled Jadeite, ready to fire another blast.

A stewardess went up to them. "Sorry, I'm going to have to ask you to quiet down."

Zoisite blasted her. "ONLY I TELL THOSE MORONS TO QUIET DOWN!"

A baby started to cry. Nephrite threw it out the window. Finally the plane took off.

"FASTER!" he screamed.

The stewardesses were at a loss with what to do. They put on a movie to attempt to settle everyone down.

It was the Sailor V movie!

"EWWWW!" the three Shitennou screamed at once.

The pilot was so done with the screaming coming from the rest of the plane.

He stepped out into the main seating area.

"CAN WE GET SOME MORE PEANUTS OVER HERE!?" Zoisite screamed, blasting a stewardess.

The pilot began shouting, "IF YOU THREE DON'T CUT IT OUT, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO THROW yOU OFF THE PLANE!"

"JOKES ON YOU, WE CAN TELEPORT!" Nephrite shouted back.

"THAT'S IT!" The pilot yelled, going over to take them on. "I'M TURNING THIS PLANE AROUND!"

"NO!" yelled Jadeite, murdering him.

"Look what you did!" scolded Zoisite.

The rest of the passengers began panicking.

"STFU!" screamed Nephrite, killing all the passengers. "Way to go, Jadeite. Now I had to kill all those passengers."

"SO HOW ARE WE GOING TO FLY THIS PLANE!?"

"Fear not," said Jadeite. "I can move planes WITH MY MIND!"

"That's an oddly specific power," Zoisite commented.

"Suck it, Zoisite!" Jadeite yelled, steering the plane with his head.

He started making the plane do flips.

"STOP IT!" screamed Nephrite.

Zoisite got plane sick and threw up on Nephrite.

"WTF!" screamed Nephrite.

"It's not my fault! Blame Jadeite for being a doofus!"

"Yeah, but you turned directly towards me and threw up!" Nephrite yelled. "Jadeite, that's enough!"

Jadeite ignored him, and rather, went straight up in the sky and then plunged straight down.

"WEEEEE FREE FALL!"

"That's enough!" yelled Zoisite, pushing him over and taking the controls.

"How hard could this be?" He looked down and saw 3 billion buttons. "Hmm, what does this one that says 'self destruct' mean? I bet that's the auto-pilot!"

The plane blew up. They all fell into the ocean.

"I can't swim!" screamed Jadeite. "HAAAALP!"

Suddenly a shark appeared.

They all swam for their lives.

* * *

3,000 miles of swimming later, they all climbed on shore at the US east coast. They were dripping wet and covered in seaweed.

"That was awful!" yelled Zoisite. "Why did you two dumbasses make me come on this terrible trip with you?!"

"We didn't want you to go!" they said, but he ignored them.

"Wait, why didn't we just teleport to shore?" Jadeite asked.

"Dang, we just keep forgetting to do that!"

They walked towards a city in the distance.

"This looks like NYC!" Nephrite announced. "If my US geography is right, this is pretty close to San Diego!"

"Are you sure about that, Nephrite?" Jadeite asked, looking at a map and scratching his head.

"Yeah, yeah. Close enough."

When they reached the city, they spotted a familiar geezer. "It's Grandpa!"

They ran up to him to take him out, but he leapt aboard a taxi and took off. They jumped into a nearby taxi and yelled, "Follow that gramps!"

The taxi driver tried his best, but he hit a red light.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Nephrite shouted.

But luckily, Gramps' taxi was stopped at the next stoplight.

"We still have a chance!"

Jadeite fired an energy blast out the window, but the driver started moving again, so he just hit a little girl.

"Ouch!" screamed Hotaru.

The little girl's eyes started glowing red. "ARGGHHAHHH!" she screamed.

"Quick! FAster!" Jadeite demanded of the driver. "She's catching up!"

Zoisite looked behind them. "I think we lost her!"

Suddenly, their car was hoisted into the air.

All three peaked their heads out the window, and saw the crazy black-haired girl Hotaru holding their car above her head.

She chucked it into a building. Some guy who was in the building doing office work looked over at the car sitting next to him and passed out.

Nephrite stumbled out of the car, his head spinning.

The taxi driver had been impaled in the crash.

Nephrite felt bad. "I hope he had insurance."


	15. The Road Trip Part 2

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Who's calling?!" Queen Beryl shouted into her cellphone.

"It's me! Jadeite!" he said into the payphone. Nephrite and Zoisite stood beside him, very impatient and ready to get on with their road trip.

"Why are you calling me on my day off?!" Queen Beryl shouted.

"It's what the humans call-"

"HELP ME!" Zoisite screamed into the phone.

Jadeite shooed him away with his hand.

"So anyway-" Jadeite tried to continue.

"Yeah yeah yeah, I'll make sure to write that one down," Queen Beryl said dismissively. "You catch that, Kunzite?"

"Catch what?" he asked.

"See, we gotcha, Jadeite." Queen Beryl said, hanging up.

"I'm glad I called," Jadeite told his friends. "She seemed really appreciative."

"So, did you ask her how we should go about getting to San Diego?" Nephrite asked.

"San what?" Jadeite replied.

Nephrite face-palmed. "Call her back! That was the one thing you were supposed to ask!"

"Oh, I would, but uh... that was my last quarter."

"So let me get this straigt. You had one quarter, and you spend it on telling her you had a new source of energy." Nephrite stated, unable to believe the stupidity.

"Did you even have a new source of energy?" Zoisite asked.

"Ye, I thought of a really good one! I thought I needed to inform Queen Beryl."

"Well, you'll never be able to carry it out, since we're STRANDED IN NEW YORK CITY!"

Suddenly, Nephrite had an idea. "I'll just warp us up a swag new car! Then we'll just go on any highway and hope for the best."

They began driving. But just then, they hit a pedestrian! It was a little pink haired girl.

"Meh," Jadeite commented. "Couldn't have been anyone important."

They drove onward.

"Can we stop and get something to eat?" Zoisite asked.

"No," said Nephrite. "We've literally been driving for five minutes."

"But I'm hungryyyyyyy."

"ARE WE THERE yET?!" asked Jadeite.

"No, and we're not stopping."

"But I need to go pottyyyyyyyyyyy!"

"Hold it in."

"No, screw you."

Zoisite and Jadeite jumped out of the moving car.

Nephrite kept going.

"How dare he!" screamed Zoisite. "He's supposed to turn around and come back for us."

Jadeite rushed to the bathroom.

Zoisite stood in the middle of the highway screaming about how Nephrite just ditched them.

An officer pulled up to him.

"Excuse me, ma'am. You're slowing down traffic, and on top of that, you're doing a street performance without a license. I'm going to have to give you a ticket."

"I'LL TAKE YOUR TICKET, ALRIGHT!" Zoisite said, impaling him.

Jadeite emerged from the bathroom, with toilet paper on his foot.

"Great news, Jadeite! I got us a car!" They hopped in the police car.

"So, did you get me a snack?" Zoisite asked.

"Oh," said Jadeite. "I forgot."

"You're so incompetent," Zoisite scolded, getting in line at the drive through.

The speaker asked them what they wanted to order. "I'll take a cheeseburger, no pickles, extra mayo, extra sour kraut, 3, count em, 3, tomato slices, grated gold, a human hand, and 2 pieces of bacon, making an 'X' shape."

"Oh... we're all out of bacon..." the worker said.

"THEN GET MORE!"

"That might take a while..."

"Fair enough."

"Hey," Jadeite interrupted. "Can I get a small fry?"

Zoisite sighed. "And a medium fry."

"WAHT? Why not a small!?" Jadeite freaked.

"Because the medium is the same price."

"BUT I WANT A SMALL!" Jadeite cried.

"Can we change that to a small fry?" Zoisite asked.

"Sorry, we already put in your medium fry."

"WELL CHANGE THE ORDER!" sobbed Jadeite.

"Just eat half the fries and throw the other half away."

"But that would be wasteful!"

"Then I'll eat the other half!"

"Eww, they're mine!"

Zoisite smashed his face against the steering wheel and pulled to the second window.

They gave them their order, and he pulled away.

"We have a problem," announced Jadeite.

"What is it?"

"There's an onion ring in my fry box."

"So?"

"It's contaminated!" he screamed, throwing the fries out the window. "Can we stop somewhere else?"

"No, we'll never catch up to Nephrite at this rate." Zoisite pulled out his cheeseburger and went to take a bite. But there was no cheese!?

"THIS ISN'T A CHEESEBURGER! THIS IS A HAMBURGER!"

He made a wild U-turn and caused a three car collision. They pulled into a parking space and stormed in.

Zoisite grabbed a guy in a red shirt. "YOU DIDN'T PT CHEESE ON MY CHEESBURGAHHH!"

The guy started crying. "I don't even work here!"

"I'd say that too, if I put onion rings in people's fries!" Jadeite screamed.

"I'll finish off this guy, Jadeite. You go get the cooks!" Zoisite chucked the red shirted man out the window.

After killing everyone, they went into the back and made their own food. They got back in the cop car.

"This tastes awful!"

Suddenly, the police radio in their car started going off.

"Code 241: Cop car has been seiged by two female juvenile delinquents, probably around the ages of 14 and 15. They both will be easily identified through their horrible senses of fashion and overall poor appearances. They have been on a killing spree. They were last seen at the local McBeryl's killing innocent customers and making poorly executed sandwiches."

Jadeite dropped his poorly executed sandwich out of his mouth. "We have to stop them!" he cried.

"Why would we do that?" Zoisite asked.

"Because we're in a cop car! We must uphold the law!"

"Jadeite, you're an idiot."

They heard sirens in the distance.

"Let's head that way!" Jadeite decided. "That must be where the delinquents are!"

"Wait, why are the sirens getting louder?" Zoisite asked.

"Idk, just go that way! Quick!" They headed toward the sirens.

The announcer came back on. "The suspects have been spotted! Driving police car number 221! They are currently bickering amongst each other, and the shorter haired one has mustard all over his face."

Jadeite looked in the mirror. "Wait," he said, whiping mustard off his face. "What car number is this?"

They looked up and saw the number 221, just as they smashed into the herd of cop cars.

They were completely surrounded.

"COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP!" the cops shouted.

"What do we do?!" Jadeite cried.

"I don't know, you got us into this with your stupid mustard on your face."

"You're the one who wanted to steal the cop car!" Jadeite retaliated.

"I didn't want to steal it, but I was given no choice!" Zoisite yelled back at him.

"Well, I guess we should go turn ourselves in," Jadeite concluded. "I'm sure the law will go easy on us, considering we're cops."

"Fat chance!" Zoisite decided. "Ok, on my mark, we're all going to jump out of the car and start shooting everyone in sight with energy."

"Good idea," he said, jumping out of the car before Zoisite's mark and getting shot.

"Jadeite, are you ok!?" Zoisite asked. "Wait, I don't care."

He teleported into a police helicopter, and started shooting down all the other cops.

Jadeite stood up suddenly. "Oh yeah, human bullets don't hurt me!" he declared, right before getting shot by one of Zoisite's energy blasts. "OOF!"

Zoisite swooped down and dropped the helicopter ladder.

"Jadeite, get in!"

"You came back for me?" he said, tears welling in his eyes.

"I'm pulling up the ladder!" Zoisite yelled.

"Ok ok," Jadeite jumped on.

They flew through the sky.

"Woah, look at the scenery!" Jadeite yelled over the helicopter's rumbling. "Say, when did you learn to drive a helicopter?"

"I didn't," said Zoisite, still holding a gun to the helicopter driver's head.

* * *

Meanwhile, Nephrite cruised down the road.

"LIFE IS A HIGHWAY, I WANNA DRIVE IT ALL NIGHT LONG!" he sung out loud.

He switched the radio station to the news. "In later news, two unfashionable queers just stole a police helicopter, and said they are seeking someone named Nephlorp to get revenge on him for ditching them."

"I feel sorry for that Nephlorp guy," Nephrite commented.

* * *

Queen Beryl decided it was getting too dark to keep fishing.

She threw Evil Mamoru and Kunzite in her tackle box and headed home.


	16. The Road Trip Part 3

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Shut up, Jadeite," Zoisite said as they walked into a diner.

"Hey, guys!" shouted Nephrite, holding them a spot at a table. "I knew you guys would catch up to me! I hope you learned your lesson about jumping out of moving cars."

"WTF!" Zoisite and Jadeite yelled in unison, running over to Nephrite to take him out.

But then the waiter walked over and put three orders of pancakes on their table.

"You can't buy our respect back!" Zoisite stated.

"Yeah!" said Jadeite, sitting down and digging into his pancakes.

"Jadeite!" scolded Zoisite.

"What? I'm hungry!" Jadeite replied defensively.

"Well, I won't be bought," Zoisite said, turning away and crossing his arms. "If you don't apologize, I'm leaving."

"Fine, cya," said Nephrite.

"Screw you, Nephrite!" he said, sitting down and eating the pancakes.

* * *

Kunzite wandered around the Negaverse. "I wonder where everyone went?"

He shut his door and sat alone on his bed. "It's kind of lonely around here..." he began.

* * *

"So where are we, exactly?" asked Zoisite.

"NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM!" replied Jadeite.

"Hmm, let me check my Nega GPS," said Nephrite. "It says we're right on the outside of Vegas!"

"How did we get all the way across the country so fast?" Zoisite wondered.

"NOM NOM NOM!" Jadeite answered.

"Stop chewing with your mouth open!" Zoisite barked.

"OMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNO!"

Zoisite slapped Jadeite across the face. He started to cry.

"Look what you did!" screamed Nephrite.

Suddenly, they heard a familiar voice.

"I FEEL EVIL!"

They turned and saw Grandpa engaging them.

"Tell your baby to shut up!" Grandpa yelled.

"We'll get you old man!" Zoisite shouted, pulling out a plastic knife from the table.

"LOLNO!" screamed Grandpa. He went and coughed in their food before running out of the door and into his horse and buggy. He took off.

"AFTER HIM!" screamed Nephrite.

"Wait, shouldn't we pay the bill?" said Jadeite.

"No!" Nephrite commanded, pulling Jadeite out the door with him. Zoisite took one last bite of pancake and booked it, but was stopped by the manager in the doorway.

"You're going to have to pay for that!" he yelled.

"Aww nuts!"

* * *

Nephrite and Jadeite waited impatiently in the car. At last, Zoisite came out and jumped in.

"What took so long?!" asked Nephrite. "Now we lost him!"

Zoisite was covered in blood. "Let's just say someone had to pay..."

Nephrite gasped. "You're getting blood all over my car!"

"If you don't want there to be more blood I suggest you shut up." Zoisite threatened.

"NOM NOM NOM!" stated Jadeite, who had apparently grabbed an extra plate of pancakes on the way out just so he could eat with his mouth open.

Nephrite put the peddle to the meddle. They sped onward, arriving on the Vegas strip. Nephrite kept driving.

"Come on, Nephy!" Jadeite encouraged. "Can't we take a break and play some slots? I'm feeling lucky!"

"No," Nephrite said in an annoyed tone. It was bad enough that the gas meter was beeping "Empty," now he had to hear Jadeite's whining.

"Hey Nephrite, what does the "E" stand for, that keeps blinking?" Jadeite asked.

"Everlasting friendship," Nephrite stated.

"Awwww :)" said Jadeite. "And what does 'Out of gas' mean?"

"Huh?" Nephrite wondered, as the car slid to a holt. "Oh great. Now what do we do?"

"We can play the slots for gas money!" Jadeite announced giddily. "What could possibly go wrong?"

"But don't we need money for that?" asked Zoisite.

"We'll just use magic to steal it!" Jadeite explained.

"Then why don't we just use magic to steal gas money?" Zoisite questioned.

"What fun is that?"

Jadeite hopped out of the car and ran toward the casino. They followed him, but all three were immediately stopped by a bouncer.

"Hey, you kids don't look 21," the man stated.

"I'm 3,004, you prick!" Zoisite yelled, killing him. They walked in.

"WOAH, SO THIS IS WHAT A CASINO LOOKS LIKE!" Jadeite gaped in awe. "I'll go play the slots!" he yipped, skipping away.

"I'll go play poker, and cheat!" Zoisite announced.

"I'll go hit the bar." Nephrite decided.

Jadeite strolled up to the penny machine. "I'm feeling lucky! The jackpot will soon belong to Jadeite!" he shouted at the top of his lungs.

Five minutes later, he lay on the floor sobbing. "IT'S RIGGEd, I SAY! RIGGED!"

He marched up to the counter and demanded a refund.

"But sir," the worker tried to explain. "If everyone won all the time, the casino wouldn't make a profit!"

"But I lost my life savings!" Jadeite cried.

"Bummer," said the worked.

"Can you lone me another hundred or so bucks? I've already put so much money in, I can feel that jackpot coming!"

"Sounds like a plan!" decided the worker.

Five minutes later, they both lay on the floor sobbing. "IT'S RIGGEd, I SAY! RIGGED!"

The worker marched up to the manager and demanded a refund.

"What the hell?" said the manager. "You're not supposed to lone people money. You're fired."

The worker had nothing left to live for. In a last ditch effort to get his money back, he threw the only thing he had left in the penny machine - his soul. It was a loss, and he faded from existence. Jadeite stormed off.

Grandpa walked up to the machine after Jadeite left, and put in a penny.

"WE HAVE A WINNER!" the machine announced. Grandpa jumped up and down with joy as the machine dumped out all of the jackpot money, and the deed to Jadeite's house.

* * *

Nephrite sat at the bar. "GIVE ME ANOTHER!" he yelled.

"But sir!" the bartender said concerned. "You just did 23 shots!"

"Suck it bartender!" Nephrite slurred grabbing the wine bottle from him and chugging it.

Nephrite collapsed on the floor.

"Sir are you ok?"

Nephrite struggled to stand up. He had to use the stool to get on his feet.

"Screw you geyboy you don't know my life!"

Nephrite walked up to roulette table. This was gonna be eZ all he had to do was control the ball with his nega-magic. "I bet 99999999999 dollars on green!"

"There's a green?" asked the guy running the table.

"Yes see!" Nephrite said taking out a magnifier and showing him the very small sliver of green.

"Sir are you sure about that?"

"NO YOU'RE DRUNK!" he yelled at the wall.

The worker shrugged and spun the wheel.

Nephrite tried to magically control the ball. "Easy now...Slow and gently..." he slowly raised his hand controlling it, but suddenly he had a muscle spasm from his intoxication and flung the ball off the table. It bounced all around the casino before falling back onto the wheel and landing on red.

"I AM THE CHAMPION!" Nephrite shouted, jumping on the wheel and dancing.

"But sir, you bet on green!"

"Nuh uh, you drunkard!" Nephrite fell off the table and lay on the floor in a ball, as the worker brought in a bulldozer to take away all his money.

* * *

Meanwhile, Zoisite approached a poker table. Jadeite suddenly appeared next to him, filled with shame and defeat from getting downbeat by a penny machine.

"What are you doing?" Jadeite asked.

"I'm gonna go hustle people at poker! Wanna help?"

"Sure! But what does that mean?"

"It means, we go act like we're awful at poker, so everyone thinks they can beat us easily and they bet really high. Then, we bust out our epic poker skills and make a huge profit!" Zoisite explained.

"Sounds like a plan!" agreed Jadeite.

They got to the partner poker table, because that's a thing. Zoisite sat down on the table and began hustling. "My, this looks like a fun game! I've never played it before, so I won't be much good, but I'll give it a try anyway!" he announced, batting his eyelashes.

Jadeite joined in. "Yeah, I've never played poker before either! I've never even heard of it! I don't even know what cards are! The only card game I have ever played is Go Fish, and the one time I played it I lost so horribly that I failed fourth grade and got sent all the way back to kindergarten!"

"Jadeite, you're a dolt," said Zoisite.

But the poker players still believed their act, and placed really high bets against them.

They dealt out the cards, and Jadeite and Zoisite looked at their hands.

"Jadeite, we might have a minor problem..." Zoisite began. "I actually am really awful at poker."

"Shit, me too. I wasn't kidding about that Go Fish game!" Jadeite replied.

"Wait, we can just use magic to cheat!"

It was Zoisite's turn to draw a card, and he magically looked through the deck and grabbed an ace. He passed it to Jadeite. "You know what to do!" he said to him.

Jadeite nodded maliciously, and magically transformed his remaining four cards. "BINGO!" he yelled, laying out his deck. Everyone gasped. He had five aces!

He had tried to win the poker game by magically creating a hand of aces, but forgot that there was only four, so he had ended up with five.

"Jadeite, you're a dolt!" Zoisite yelled at him.

"What the hell is an ace of Negaverse?!" asked one of the poker players.

"I think they're cheating!" another poker player declared.

"What?!" Jadeite asked, feigning shock. "Cheating?! I'm not cheating, I'm playing by Australian rules!"

"What the hell does that even mean?" asked another distraught player.

"We're really in for it this time!" Jadeite exclaimed.

* * *

Back in the Negaverse, Evil Prince Endymion slowly cracked open Kunzite's door and peaked in. The general appeared to be talking to himself, but when Endymion looked closer, he was actually talking to the four faces he had drawn on his fingers.

"Oh Kunzite, you're so cool!" Kunzite said to himself, wiggling one of his fingers and talking in a high voice.

"Thanks, Zoisite!" he told himself.

"Why do you keep trying to kill me?" he asked, wiggling another finger.

"Because, you're a dumbass, Nephrite."

"I wish I were you!" he said for the third finger.

"Wow, I didn't know you felt that way, Jadeite!" Kunzite continued.

"Kunzite, you have done marvelously," said his pinky.

"Why thank you, Queen Beryl. I'm glad my work goes appreciated."

Evil Prince Endymion backed away slowly. Then, he felt a wave of compassion, despite his evilness.

"Hey, Kunzite, ol' buddy ol' pal!" he said, re-entering the room.

Kunzite jumped back and sat on his hand. "What are you doing in my castle?!"

"Uh, ya' know, just, hangin' around?"

"Well go away! Let me be lonely by myself!"

"Nah come on buddy! Whaddya say me and you go for a cup of coffee at Negabuck's?"

"You mean like the currency?"

"No, I mean the overpriced coffee joint! Huh? HUH?"

"Uh..." Kunzite thought. On one hand, he was all alone, on the other hand, Evil Mamoru was a douche on multiple counts. "Let me speak with my advisors," he said to Mamoru at last.

"Ok..." said Mamoru, as Kunzite turned around and started talking to his finger faces again.

"I don't know about this, Kunzite," Jadeite finger told him.

"Yeah, he's bad news!" said Nephrite finger.

"But you are lonely..." said Zoisite finger.

"And, he's a hunkster!" added Queen Beryl finger.

"Why do you always side with him?" Kunzite asked her.

"Because, he's a hunkosaurus!" Finger Beryl replied.

"Fair enough," concluded Kunzite. "Very well, Mamoru. I shall come."

"Oh boy, this is gonna be great!" Evil Mamoru declared.

* * *

The casino workers had had just about enough of these poorly fashioned doofuses.

"And stay out!" they yelled, literally throwing Zoisite, Nephrite, and Jadeite out on the curb.

"NO YOU STAY OUT!" screamed Zoisite, getting on his feet and charging the casino. Nephrite and Jadeite tried to hold him back. But Nephrite was still drunk, so he passed out. Zoisite slugged Jadeite, and ran back in the casino.

Jadeite ran after him, while Nephrite lay in the middle of the street, singing "Liiife is a highwah! I wunna druv it awl nigh loooooooong!"

Jadeite found Zoisite in the middle of the casino lighting things on fire.

"Stop it!" he cried. But suddenly, the fire reached one of the support beams, and the casino began to collapse.

"Oh shit!" they both yelled. A giant piece of roofing landed on one of the slot machines, and it busted open, all of its contents spilling out.

"JEDY STILL HAS A CHANCE!" Jadeite screamed, running over and stuffing the money in his pockets.

"Jadeite, there's no time!" Zoisite yelled. "We gotta get out of here!"

"Not until I find the deed to my house!"

Just then, a giant beam fell and landed on Jadeite. "NUUUU!" he yelled.

Zoisite rushed over to him.

"You came to save me?" he asked.

Zoisite began taking the money out of his pockets. He began to leave, but looked back and saw Jadeite struggling.

"FINE!" he moaned, shoving the beam off Jadeite. As they rushed out of the casino, Zoisite thought to himself, "Why am I being so nice?!"

When they got outside, they saw Nephrite being mugged by a gang of hoboes. One of them had his shoes, and the other was cutting off his hair.

Zoisite fired a warning shot above their heads, and then began spraying them with window cleaner. "Go on, shoo!"

"Are you okay?" Zoisite asked him.

"I am bootiful, no matter what they say. Queen Beryl can't bring mEEEE down!"

Jadeite and Zoisite began dragging him back to their car. But it was gone?!

"Oh yeah," said Jadeite. "I kind of bet the deed to his car on that bingo game we played."

"Oh well," Zoisite sighed. "We didn't have gas money anyway."

"Well how are we going to get to CA with no money?" Jadeite asked.

"Wait, I have 11... 12... 13... THIRTEEN DOLLARS that I stole from your pocket!" Zoisite announced.

"Thirtwun yers old iz how eld i em!" Nephrite mumbled, half unconscious.

"What kind of transportation are we going to get with 13 dollars?" asked Jadeite.

Zoisite looked behind Jadeite to see a stand across the street.

"I think I have one idea..."

* * *

Mamoru and Kunzite finished up their cups of coffee.

"You know, Mamoru," Kunzite began. "You're not that bad afterall. We may have our differences, but that doesn't mean we can't get along."

"I agree," said Evil Mamoru. "Even though Queen Beryl likes me more, and I am better, that doesn't mean we can't at least be civil to each other."

Kunzite nodded. That's when the clerk came up and placed the check on the table.

Mamoru looked at it, and his eyes widened.

"So what do you say, pal," said Kunzite. "Wanna shake hands on our new friendship?"

They shake hands, but when Kunzite pulls his hand back, the check was in it.

"Huh?" he asked.

He looked up to see Mamoru fly away and out of the roof of the Negabuck's.

"So long, geh Kunzite!" Mamoru shouted, flying off into the moonlight.

"GAHHHH!" yelled Kunzite. "I'll get that pesky Mamoru! HE'LL PAY!"

* * *

"PEDDLE! PEDDLE! PEDDLE!" coached Zoisite.

"I AM TRYING!" screamed Jadeite.

"NOT VERY HARD!" Zoisite shouted back at him. "IT'S BARELY MOVING!"

"Maybe if NEPHRITE wasn't peddling in the wrong direction in his drunken stupor."

"UNghhughnuughn," Nephrite moaned. "I think I'm getting sober again," he stated, holding his head, yet continuing to face and peddle the wrong way.

"So why did we need to get a four person bike for the three of us?" asked Zoisite, gesturing to the four person bike-cart they were in. "There were three people bikes!"

"Oofjaghaooga!" slurred Nephrite, vomitting off the side of the bike. "I needed these two seats to lie down."

"Great, now we have to drag dead weight, on top of the over sized bike designed for four people," Zoisite complained.

"Who you callin' dead weight, fattie!" Nephrite slurred.

"Can't we just push him overboard?" Zoisite asked.

"Nah, we're a team!" Jadeite said cheerfully. "We're like the three musketeers, if one of them were drunk and the other two were gay!"

"Wait, what?" Zoisite wondered. "Nah, we're more like the three stooges," Zoisite muttered, sarcastically.

"You really think so?" Jadeite asked. "Which one am I?"

"Can I be curly?" Nephrite mumbled.

Zoisite moaned angrily, and bonked their heads together.

"Why I oughtta!" yelled Jadeite.

They had finally reached the top of the steep road. They looked over, and scanned down at the rest of the city. The early morning sun was just peeking over the horizon.

"Now we get to go DOWN!" Jadeite exclaimed.

"Let's sing travellin' songs!" Nephrite slurred. "The wheels on the bike go round and round! Round and round! Round and-"

Jadeite cut him off. "I have had bad experiences with buses," he said. "Sing something else."

"Ok! Old McBeryl had a youma! N-e-g-a-verse! And on that Negaverse she had a Queen Metalia! Rage rage rage! With a dead shitennou here and a dead shitennou there! Here an eternal sleep, there a deadly blast-"

Zoisite stopped his singing with a loud sigh. "This is going to be a long day."


	17. The Road Trip Part 4

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

Only... it wasn't Jadeite?!

"WTF!" yelled real Jadeite, knocking over this imposter.

Some random fat guy at Comic Con wailed as he was shoved across the room. But his anger stopped once he looked up at Jadeite.

"OMG EPIC COSPLAY DUDE! You look exactly like Jadeite!" the fat guy applauded.

"Umm... how do you know my name?!" Jadeite asked in shock.

Nephrite and Zoisite came up to him.

"WOW, THERE'S THREE OF YOU?! EPIC GROUP COSPLAY DUDES!" the guy continued. "YO BILLY JOHN AND JOHNNY BILL! COME OVER HERE AND SEE THE THREE SHITENNOU!"

Zoisite and Nephrite looked around in horror. It was a trap?! Zoisite spawned a crystal, and Nephrite called on the stars to summon up a lion. Jadeite was still dumbfounded.

Billy John started snapping pictures of them. "Where did you buy that outfit?! It's just like the real Shitennou outfits, but uglier!"

"What kind of flash stun attack is this?!" they all yelled as they kept getting their pictures taken.

"Yeah!" agreed Johnny Bill. "I would think you were the real Shitennou if you weren't so ugly!"

Nephrite was taken aback, and started to cry. Zoisite went to kill them with a crystal, but Jadeite intervened. "Stop! I think they think we're just nerds in costumes!"

"All the more reason to kill them!" Zoisite yelled, going to charge again.

"NO STAHP! It will blow our cover! Plus, anyone who wants to dress up as a cool guy like me is a friend of mine!" Jadeite decided.

More and more people were noticing the crowd gathered around them, and joined in.

"WOAH!" yelled a random fanboy. "CAN YOU STEAL MY ENERGY!?"

"Well, if you insist," said Zoisite, beginning to hover off the ground to get a good shot in. Jadeite pulled him back down.

"Humans don't fly, Zoisite!" Jadeite tried to explain.

"Woah, did you just see that?!" a different fanboy yelled. "They can even levitate!"

"Jadeite, can I freeze you in an icecube like Queen Beryl?!" yelled some Queen Beryl cosplayer.

Jadeite started to flip out. Nephrite went to calm him. Zoisite backhanded Jadeite. "Keep it together, man!"

Another fanboy went up to Zoisite. "That was so cool when you killed Nephrite. He was my least favorite!"

"Alright, I'm out," said Nephrite. Him and Jadeite started to take off.

"Where are you going?!" asked Zoisite. "You need to find that stamp!"

"We'll find it, alright. After we change into different costumes, so we stop being harassed."

"Fine, suit yourselves!" Zoisite yelled to them. "I'm staying just the way I am. I like my fan base."

Suddenly, some fat nerd dressed as Kunzite came up to him. "Hey baby, I see you need a cosplay buddy!" He swooped in for a smooch, but Zoisite threw up and ran away.

"Shit!" said Zoisite. "I need a costume, and fast!" he looked in his Nega storage locker, by opening a floating portal. All he had was that Sailor Moon costume from that one time. "Oh boy."

Zoisite walked around in the Sailor Moon outfit looking for his friends. "I wonder where they went..."

Suddenly, a guy dressed as Tuxedo Mask approached. "Zoisite!" he yelled.

"Oh no! He sees through my disguise! That's a first!"

The guy dressed as Tuxedo Mask came up, and Zoisite slugged him.

"GAHHH!" cried Nephrite. "What was that for?!"

"PREPARE TO DUH!" yelled Zoisite, spawning a crystal.

"Stop!" yelled Nephrite, "It's me! Nephrite!"

"Even better!"

Zoisite swug down the crystal to deliver a fatal blow, but was distracted when a mustached stranger stepped in between and said to stop fighting. He decided he might as well just stab the mustached stranger.

"AWWW OWWW!" yelled Jadeite. "WTF!?"

"Jadeite?!" Nephrite and Zoisite said in unison.

He took off his mustache. The two gasped.

"Owowowowwowo!" Jadeite cried. The wound was not fatal, but it ruined his costume, which was just him with a mustache.

"Who were you supposed to be?" asked Nephrite.

"I'm Jed Ite!" he explained.

"Aren't you my couples' counselor?" Zoisite asked. Jadeite didn't remember.

"COME ON!" Nephrite said, suddenly remembering what they came there for. He ran off to find the stamp.

"Why are you dressed like a girl?" asked Jadeite.

"Can it, bad costume boy."

Zoisite and Jadeite wandered through the nerds, trying to keep up with Nephrite. They were pulled aside suddenly by a 32 year old geek.

"My name's Fred McDoogle! Wanna see my MLP collection?"

"What the hell is MLP?" asked Zoisite.

Fred McDoogle gasped. He slugged Zoisite in the face.

"AWEGJWERHJH!" screamed Zoisite.

Zoisite spawned a crystal, but Fred McDoogle slapped it out of his hand.

"I'll teach you to not know what My Little Pony is!" he declared. "You're going down, missy!"

He threw Zoisite into a wall and started pummeling him.

Jadeite grabbed a chair and smacked Fred over the head, but nothing happened.

"WTF?!" yelled Jadeite. Fred McDoogle turned around a leapt on Jadeite like a wild dog.

He started slapping him with both hands, and then choking Jadeite with the mane of one of his pony dolls.

Zoisite, still stunned, jumped to his feet. "HOW IS THIS NERD SO STRONG!?"

"HALLLP!" yelled Jadeite. Zoisite was still looking in a mirror at the damage caused to his face.

"ARGGHGHH!" Zoisite finally yelled, leaping back into the battle. But suddenly, they were both launched off of Fred McDoogle, as he evolved into a full pony. He stomped his hoof on the ground, splitting the Earth.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS GUY!?" Zoisite and Jadeite yelled in unison. They were too wounded to stand. The crack in the ground was getting close to them.

Nephrite looked up from his search. "WAAAHAHAHT?!" he yelled in horror. Just before Zoisite and Jadeite fell into oblivion, Nephrite surged with energy and charged the pony man. He got him by surprise, and pushed him into the void. It closed up, and everyone went back to what they had been doing.

Nephrite helped his friends off the ground.

"We had this under control!" said Zoisite, still shaking.

"Seriously, thought. What was that?!" Jadeite said in shock.

"HAHAHAHAH! I FEEL EVIL!" yelled a familiar voice.

"GRAMPS!" the three shouted in unison.

"Did you like the youma I sent?" Gramps asked them. He was in a Master Roshi costume.

"THAT WAS YOUR YOUMA?!" Nephrite exclaimed in shock. "But how?! And why?!"

"I have quite a few tricks up my sleeve, young lady," Grandpa declared. "And now, the stamp is MINE!" Grandpa began skipping toward the stamp victoriously.

"AFTER HIM!"

They all teleported in front of Gramps. "Hey, what gives?" asked Gramps. "Since when could you guys teleport?"

Nephrite and Zoisite tore off their costumes, and Jadeite tore off his mustache.

"GASP!" gasped Gramps. "You're those faggots!"

"Woah there!" Nephrite said in shock. "The stamp will be ours!"

Gramps ripped off his Master Roshi costume. "HAHAHAHA! I FEEL EVIL!"

"GASP!" gasped the Shitennou.

Nephrite charged Gramps, and they engaged in an all out rumble. They rolled through Comic Con, punching each other and yelling battle cries.

While Nephrite stalled Gramps, Zoisite flew in and grabbed the stamp.

"HAHAHA! The stamp is mine!" he yelled.

Grandpa sensed the stamp had been disturbed, and slugged Nephrite in the gut.

He flew at Zoisite with godspeed, tackling Zoisite. The stamp flew to the floor, and Jadeite slid across the ground and caught it.

"HAHAHAHAH!" yelled Jadeite.

Gramps, who had been holding Zoisite above his head and pounding his chest, dropped him to lunge at Jadeite.

But Zoisite launched an energy blast at him. Without missing a beat, Grandpa turned around and caught the energy blast.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU?!" Zoisite shouted in horror.

Grandpa tossed the energy blast back at Zoisite. Zoisite had no time to teleport, so he just put up his hands to block. But it wasn't enough, and he was thrown through the wall and out of the Comic Con building.

Nephrite and Jadite managed to get up and group together ready to double team Gramps. But Gramps had planned this and summoned his two crows at them.

Jadite swung at the one who attacked him but it was fast.

Nephrite managed to swat his out of the air, but was almost imediety sent flying by Gramps who quickly flew up to him and kneed him in the chest.

Zoisite was crawling back inside but was sent tumbling backwards by Nephrite's brutally bashed corpse.

Jadite shot the crow with an energy blast, and then shot ligntning at Gramps but he leaped high into the air and smashed into the ground when he landed sending the Earth upwards where Jadite was standing sending him into the sky. He was flying into the air very fast, but he managed to regain conciousness and was about to warp back down when Grandpa flew up to where he was at the speed up light and delivered a devastating blow downwards sending to the ground. He cringed as he neared the ground, but never hit the ground because he was intersecting by an upcoming plane.

Grandpa landed to the ground unscathed and got ready to finish off the remaining shitennou.

"No more!" pleaded Zoisite "We give up!"

"Too bad!" screamed Gramps and lifted up a damaged Comic con booth and hurled it at Zoisite and Nephrite sending them smashing into a nearby building, before they were then flattened by the booth.

Just then, Jadeite was about to land, but Gramps saw him and uppercut him back into the sky before he ever made contact with the ground.

Satisfied, Grandpa bent down to pick up the stamp. But it was nowhere to be found?!

Zoisite, gasping for breath, crawled over to Gramps, falling over at his feet.

"Let's..." he tried to get out. "Let's... put the stamp in the middle and duel for it!"

"As much as I would love to take you up on your scam," said Gramps, "I don't have the stamp."

"WOT!?"

Upon hearing this news, the three Shitennou passed out in defeat and exhaustion. Jadeite landed head first in a pile of dirt.

Gramps had a heart attack, and Rei dragged him away to the temple to heal him.

* * *

Kunzite sat in his castle, admiring his now complete stamp collection.

"That was easy!" he stated. "I thought I'd have to fight someone for it, but it was just laying on the ground!"

* * *

"Unguhhunghah," muttered Jadeite, coming to.

He looked around him. To his left and right, he saw Zoisite and Nephrite in full body casts. As was he. At his bedside, he saw Queen Beryl, Kunzite, and Evil Prince Endymion.

"I heard you lost that fight pretty bad," said Beryl.

"uawigwaegwaojigjoiweajaerg," they all moaned.

"Well I just came in to check to make sure you were alive," Queen Beryl explained.

"You care if we're alive?!" they all asked in shock.

"Well, yeah, if someone's going to kill you, it had better me!" Queen Beryl said, teleporting away.

"Awwww!" they all gushed.

"Wait, why am I here again?" asked Evil Mamoru. He warped away, leaving them a bouquet of black roses and a "Get well soon" balloon.

"Well that was a big waste of time," barked Zoisite at Nephrite and Jadeite.

"There, there," said Kunzite, patting him on the head.

"Suck it, Kunzite," said Zoisite.

"In front of everyone?"

"Eww, gross!" said Jadeite.

"Oh wait, you're in a body cast. Nevermind, lol," said Kunzite.

"wegaeorihjeorho!" said Zoisite, spoiled again.

"So what were you fools even trying to do?" Kunzite asked.

"Oh, we were just trying to get this legendary Beryl stamp," said Nephrite.

"Huh," said Kunzite. "That's really something." He looked away, unable to make eye contact.

"But we didn't get it, so it was just a big disappointment," Zoisite explained.

"Nah," said Nephrite. "At first, I wanted this stamp more than anything. But then, I realized something. It's not about the destination, it's about the journey. And I wouldn't have done it without you guys!"

"You ditched us for like half the trip," said Jadeite.

"You're lucky I'm in a body cast," said Zoisite.

"You all ditched me for like a week," said Kunzite.

"You guys are the best!" said Nephrite.

"Shut up, Nephrite," said Zoisite.

Just then, they heard a low murmur.

"I FEEL EVIL!"

All four turned to see Grandpa, sitting in the bed beside them.

"Why are you in here," asked Kunzite, oblivious to what had went down.

"I had heart attack. I need a full heart transplant, but I'm at the bottom of the donor list." Grandpa said sadly.

"LOLOLOLLOLO!" said the Shitennou. "Looks like we win again!"

FIN


	18. The Saints Of Tokyo

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"I don't care, Jadeite! Now shine my shoes!"

"Can I take a break, Queen Beryl?" Nephrite asked, struggling.

"No, Nephrite. I need you as my footrest 24/7. If you took a break, I would have to change the position I'm sitting in, and that would be exhausting."

"But I have to go to the bathroom!"

"Queen Beryl," Zoisite interrupted. "I've been mopping this one spot for so long that the mop has deteriorated and is now just a stick. May I go get a new mop?"

"No, just use your hair."

Zoisite started sobbing.

Kunzite emerged from Queen Beryl's bedroom, panting.

"Queen Beryl, I've repainted your room again. Can I take a break now?"

"WHAT?! Why is my room red?!"

"Because that's the color you said you wanted it."

"NO I SAID MAKE IT PURPLE! START OVER!"

"Queen Beryl," Kunzite began. "Not to be disrespectful, but last time I painted it purple you said you wanted it red. I feel like if I paint it purple, you're just going to say that-"

"SILENCE!" yelled Queen Beryl, standing on top of footrest Nephrite to make a point.

"OOF!" Nephrite groaned.

When Queen Beryl stood up, she kicked Jadeite in the head, who had been polishing her shoes.

"I don't know how much more of this I can take," said Jadeite. "Maybe that eternal sleep doesn't sound so bad afterall..."

"I CAN'T BREATH!" yelled Nephrite. "SHE'S HEAVIER THAN SHE LOOKS!"

"I can't take the color purple anymore," Kunzite stated. "If I have to paint one more thing purple I think I'm going to throw up."

Zoisite just sobbed.

"Wait a minute," Nephrite said suddenly. "If we were to quit, she'd have no one to do her bidding! Then, she'd have to apologize for her actions and treat us better!"

"Or, she'll just kill all us..." Jadeite figured.

Beryl had now decided that her thrown was so last year and was using Nephrite as a chair.

"THIS IS WORSE THAN DEATH!" he yelled, jumping up.

"Queen Beryl, I quit!"

"WHAT?!" gasped Queen Beryl. "You can't quit! I'll kill you!"

"Catch me if you can, sucker!" Nephrite yelled, teleporting away.

Queen Beryl was looking around in fury and awe.

"That traitor! Zoisite, go kill him!"

"Oh, now you want me to kill him? I have been asking to kill him for millenia. Screw you, I'm out too!" Zoisite said, throwing down his nametag and teleporting away as well.

"Whelp, gotta stick with the bae," Kunzite decided. "Cya Beryl!"

"YOU WOULDN'T!" she shouted.

But Kunzite was already gone. He teleported into her room on the way out and splattered neon colored paint everywhere. "HAHAHHA!"

Queen Beryl turned to Jadeite.

"Jadeite, don't even think about it. Unless you want to be put back in an eternal-"

Jadeite bitch slapped Queen Beryl and flew away, and then teleported. "WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP!"

Queen Beryl threw a temper tantrum and knocked over her thrown, knowing it could never be comfortable without her Nephriterest.

* * *

All four Shitennou appeared in Nephrite's Earth mansion.

"Hey, what are you doing here?" he asked them.

"Hiding from Queen Beryl, what's it look like?" they responded.

"Hmph," Nephrite grunted. While the other three Shitennou were annoying, he hoped they wouldn't be as annoying as Beryl.

"So how are we going to get Queen Beryl to treat us better? She seemed pretty pissed at us," Jadeite wondered.

"Why do we need Queen Beryl at all?" Nephrite asked. "We can take over the world on our own!"

"I agree!" agreed Kunzite. "Beryl was just holding us back! Let's take over this dump!"

* * *

The four Shitennou appeared floating in Tokyo Square.

"I don't know about this..." said Jadeite. "Maybe we should attack any place other than Tokyo, where the Sailors live.

"Nah, other cities are boring," Zoisite said.

"This city has my bae Molly!" Nephrite yelled. "Why do you want to destroy it?"

"Because your bae Molly lives here," Zoisite explained.

"Alright, fair enough," said Nephrite.

"ATTENTION PEOPLE OF EARTH!" yelled Kunzite. Nobody noticed him.

"I SAID, ATTENTION, PEOPLE OF EARTH!" Kunzite tried again. Some little kid threw popcorn at him but it didn't get high enough to hit.

"Let me handle this," volunteered Jadeite.

He projected a giant image of himself over the hole city. "TOKYO CITY, WE WILL DESTROY YOU IF YOU DO NOT SURRENDER IMMEDIATELY!" he yelled, projecting fire everywhere.

"Pssh, you're just bluffing!" yelled the mayor of Tokyo.

"NUH UH!" disagreed Jadeite.

Meanwhile, the Sailor Scouts were in a study session.

"Girls!" announced Luna. "Jadeite is making an image of himself over the city again!"

"Ugh," the Scouts sighed. "Just shut the blinds, Luna."

"I don't think this is working," Zoisite said to Jadeite. "Just burn down the city already."

"Ummm but I'm just bluffing..."

"DAMMIT JADEITE! Fine, make me do everything myself," Zoisite sighed. He shot fire at a children's hospital, but missed, and it hit a murderer who was about to kill someone.

"Yay!" cried a family that was about to be slaughtered. "You saved us!"

"Grrrrr!" Zoisite moaned. "Let's try that one again."

This time, he shot fire at a church where people were getting married. But somehow, it hit a mirror, and bounced off and blew up a random building.

"Horray!" the police applauded.

"Why are those sickos applauding?" Zoisite asked in dismay.

"You just blew up a terrorist hideout! You're a hero!"

"WAAAA!" screamed Zoisite.

"Let me try," said Nephrite. "I'll actually HARM people, unliked you."

He asked the stars for help. He told them to create a terrifying display that would drive the humans into chaos.

As a result, the stars made a beautiful light show in the sky. Everyone came outside and clapped.

"Thanks, crazy floating man!" yelled a child, full of tears of joy.

"WAEGJAEJH!" yelled Nephrite.

"That's so cool, Nephrite!" yelled Molly, waving to him out her window.

"Awww shucks :)" he gushed. He shot a few energy blasts into the sky to make fireworks.

Zoisite slapped him. "Dammit, Nephrite!"

"Wait, what were we trying to do again?" Kunzite asked. "I zoned out."

"TAKING OVER THE WORLD!" Zoisite explained.

"Oh, didn't look like it," said Kunzite. "Why don't we just start killing people?"

"That's what I've been trying to do!" said Zoisite.

They floated down to the ground, ready to start shooting people. When suddenly, the mayor walked up to them, with a medal.

"You guys have done so much good for the city!" the mayor explained. "Here's the key to the city, we thank you for our service!"

Zoisite smacked it out of his hand. "NO! We are evil! We will destroy you!"

The mayor just laughed and patted him on the back.

Zoisite shot a crystal at the mayor, but he had bent down to pick up the key he dropped, so the crystal hit some guy who was running away with someone's purse.

The old lady recovered her purse. "You're my hero!" she exclaimed.

"Another great act from the Saints of Tokyo!" the Mayor applauded. "I hereby decree this day Shitennou Appreciation Day!"

"Wait," Jadeite said to his friends. "Maybe this is for the best! Why don't we just become good guys!"

"I agree!" said Nephrite.

"All I ever wanted was to be appreciated," seconded Kunzite.

"WAT? NO!" Zoisite gasped. "I appreciate you! And being good is boooooooring!"

"Come on, Zoisite!" Jadeite said encouragingly. "Just give it a try!"

"Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine!"

* * *

The Shitennou took their seats in the Mayor's office.

"Come on, guys!" Nephrite announced. "This is the beginning of a new life!"

They all high fived, and then went to go do good things for the city.

They appeared at the grand opening of a new cafe.

They handed Jadeite the giant pair of scissors to cut the opening tape. He gave a speech on how he was happy to be alive, and good, and then he brought the scissors down to cut the tape. But he slipped a little bit, and accidentally cut some guy's arm off.

"AGHAGHJAGH!" screamed the man.

"SHIT!" yelled Jadeite, in horror. "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry!" He went to comfort the poor dying man, but accidentally slipped on his blood and threw the scissors into the crowd, killing a baby. "AH WHAT HAVE A DONE!?"

Zoisite ran over to help the armless man. "I heard that with heat, you can stop the bleeding of the wound! Hold still, let me make some fireAHHHHHH!" Zoisite accidentally blasted the man with a giant shot of fire, obliterating him.

The crowd started panicking. "Calm down guys!" said Kunzite. "This is all just a misunderstanding!"

But the crowd continued to run away anyway. "We can't let them get away!" said Nephrite. "They'll tell everyone we're bad people!"

Kunzite made a giant dark energy bubble around the crowd.

"AHHHH!" they screamed.

"STOP PANICKING!" he yelled, shrinking the bubble and electricuting them. "CALM DOWN AND WE WILL FIX EVERYTHING!"

"Yeah, it's ok!" Jadeite screamed. He tried to pull the scissors out of the baby, but he pulled too hard, and they flew backward, taking out everyone in their path.

The people kept slamming themselves into the wall of Kunzite's bubble and sobbing.

"DAMMIT STOP MESSING WITH THE BUBBLE!" he yelled at them. He decided to just start slaughtering people. "Guys, help me out!"

"OK!" they agreed. Zoisite lit the ground under everyone on fire. Nephrite summoned Leo the Lion and had it start mauling people. Jadeite just started slugging people in the face.

Just then, Kunzite got shot through the hands with a Venus Crescent Beam.

"SHIT NOT AGAIN!" he cried.

"WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!" yelled Zoisite in anger. "That was so uncalled for! We're just trying to help!"

"It's the Shitennou!" announced the Sailor Scouts, flying up to them. "They're terrorizing the people!"

"No, we're good guys now!" Jadeite tried to explain. He looked down and saw himself holding giant scissors covered in blood. "Heh heh..." he said, chucking the scissors backwards to get rid of the evidence. It killed five people.

"We will stop you in the name of Justice!" the Sailors announced.

"But can't you tell that we're good guys!?" Nephrite asked in shock, gesturing the crowd of people they had been trying to save.

The Sailors didn't want to hear it. They started beating up the Shitennou.

"NO!" they cried. "We're YOUCH! Good OOF guys!"

Eventually, they had all four Shitennou in a pile, and they were repeatedly kicking them.

"UNCLE!" they cried. "OK YOU WIN!"

With nowhere else to turn, they warped back to Queen Beryl.

Upon returning to Beryl's thrown room, they all fell to their knees and begged for mercy.

"QUEEN BERYL WE'RE SORRY!" they cried. "WE'LL NEVER ABANDON YOU AGAIN!"

"Oh, it's you guys," Queen Beryl noted, disinterested. "So you've come crawling back to me."

"YES! PLEASE LET US BE YOUR SHITENNOU AGAIN!"

"I'm sorry, boys, but I can't do that."

"Why not?!" they cried.

"Just give us an explanation!" demanded Zoisite, crying.

"I'll clean up all the neon paint!" pleaded Kunzite.

"What neon paint?" asked Beryl.

"Uh oh..."

"Y U DO DIS!?" cried Jadeite.

"I would hire you back, but the thing is, I've already found replacements!"

"WAHT?!" the Shitennou gasped.

The Amazon Trio stepped up.

"LOL REKT M9!" said Tiger's Eye.

"WA!" said Jadeite.

FIN


	19. Thanksgiving Misgivings

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Jadeite, do you know what day it is today?" Queen Beryl asked, accusingly.

"Umm... Thursday?"

"No, it's Thanksgiving!"

"What's that?"

"It's a day where I have off, and don't have to do work!"

"But you never do work!" said Jadeite, and instantly regretted it.

"No, my job is to make YOU do YOUR job."

"Heh heh... you're not very good at it..." Jadeite muttered under his breath.

"Jadeite! Fifty years in the dungeon for you!"

"Gosh darn it!"

"Sixty years!"

"Gosh darn it!"

"Seventy years! Wanna keep going, Jadeite?"

"No, ma'am," Jadeite replied.

"Eighty years!"

"But Queen Beryl!"

"Ninety years!"

"..."

"Are you going to say anything, Jadeite?" Queen Beryl asked.

"..."

"A hundred years!"

Jadeite started to cry.

"Wait, actually," said Queen Beryl. "You can serve your sentence tomorrow. I just remembered something."

"Oh?" asked Jadeite.

"On Earth, people have big dinners for Thanksgiving."

"Ok..."

"I want a big dinner."

"Ok..."

"Make me a big dinner."

"But Queen Beryl! I don't know how to cook! Don't we have Youmas for that?"

"Quiet, Jadeite! The family is supposed to cook! You four Shitennou are my family."

"Awww :)"

"Two hundred years in the dungeon! Now gather those rejects, and get to cooking!"

* * *

The four Shitennou stood in the kitchen, flabbergasted.

"What are we even supposed to make?" asked Nephrite.

"Hold on, I'll look it up on Negagoogle," Jadeite said, typing into his computer. "Ok, it says we have to prepare something called a tur-key. And mashed-pot-tat-oes. And c-or-n."

"Wow, humans are so creepy," commented Zoisite.

"How do you make a tur-key?" asked Kunzite.

"I've got it!" declared Nephrite. "Maxfield Stanton will just go to the Earth world and buy one!"

3 hours later Nephrite arrived back with a turkey.

"WTF" asked Zoisie

"wut?"

"WHY DID YOU BRING BACK AN ALIVE TURKEY!?"

"stfu zoisite you fagasaurous you told me to get a turkey"

"A DEAD ONE!"

"u know what zoisite?"

"wut"

"SUCK IT!"

"D:"

":D"

":("

":D"

":'("

":DDDDDDDDD"

"..."

"Zoisite get rekt m9"

"Dammit Nephrite just kill the turkey" Zoisite finally said.

"No I dont wanna kill it"

"y"

"I'm a pacifist"

"then y did u get a job of killing people"

"because this is the only job i could find that would give me my own mansion without a high school diploma"

"why didnt you get a diploma?"

"the teachers said i was too ugly to teach :("

":("

":("

"Guys... Queen Beryl is going to be pissed if we don't finish her meal soon," said Jadeite.

"STFU JADEITE!" Neph and Zoi yelled at the same time.

"Gosh darn it," said Jadeite, going into the corner to sulk.

"Zoisite 1v1 me irl ked, to decide who kills the turkey" Nephrite challenged.

"u wot m8. Meet me at the crack of dawn."

They both teleported away.

* * *

At the crack of dawn, Nephrite stood at the Nega Arena, prepared to duel.

Zoisite appeared, and Nephrite instantly blasted him with energy.

"LOL I WIN!" he yelled.

But suddenly, the Zoisite disguise fell off, and it was really the turkey he blasted.

"NOOOO!" he cried. "ZOISITE YOU MONSTER! YOU MADE ME KILL AN INNOCENT TURKEY! HOW COULD YOU?!"

"LOLOLOLOLOLOLO" said Zoisite, from the corner where he was projecting the disguise.

Coincidentally, Nephrite blasted the turkey just hard enough to cook it completely. It was perfectly done. Zoisite took it and teleported away.

* * *

Meanwhile, Kunzite and Jadeite stood there stumped at how to make mashed potatoes.

"What do we mash them with?" asked Jadeite.

"Idk, I don't have a masher."

"Just mash them with energy," suggested Jadeite.

"I am not a weakling! I can mash them with my own two hands!" Kunzite shouted.

He punched down into the bowl of potatoes, but he punched too hard, smashing the table and making a crater in the ground. The potatoes rolled out, unmashed.

"Looks like a flop, Kunzy," said Jadeite.

Kunzite flew up into the air in rage. "I WILL mash these potatoes, and then I'll mash YOUUUUU!"

He grabbed a potato and squeezed really hard.

"OOof oof ofo ooaeojfapweg" he grunted.

Jadeite looked down, trying not to embarass his pal too hard.

"AWEFWEGAWGJ!"

Suddenly, the potato splattered all over the kitchen.

"See? Jadey, go get a dust pan. We've got some mashed potatoes! Oh yeah, and a window scraper," Kunzite added. "To get them off the wall."

Jadeite face-palmed.

Just then, Zoisite appeared.

"Hey guys! Look at the turkey I killed and cooked all by myself!" Zoisite announced.

"Way to go, Zoipal!" Jadeite applauded. "We're almost done preparing this dinner."

Nephrite showed up, looking sick.

"What's the matter, Neffy?" Zoisite asked.

Neffy slugged him. "OOF!" They started a slugfest, but they slipped on the mashed potatoes Jadeite was yet to clean up.

"NOOOO!" cried Kunzite. "You're getting your blood in the mashed potatoes! Stop this at once!"

"Nah nah nah just mix em up, nobody will notice," Jadeite said.

"So we're done?" Kunzite asked.

"No, we still need to take this corn off the cobs."

"eZ, piece of cake," said Kunzite.

All four began shucking corn. It actually went as planned, and they ended up with a bowl full of corn.

An image of Queen Beryl appeared. "PRESENT ME MY DINNER AT ONCE!"

"Yes sir!" they cried.

They appeared in Queen Beryl's thrown room, where she had prepared a long table with a cornucopia in the middle.

They put the dishes down.

"Lookin' good!" said Queen Beryl, digging in.

"MMMMM these mashed potatoes are delicious! They have this hint of something good, like the blood of my enemies!"

"Enemies!" Zoisite and Nephrited cried.

"Oh, I almost forgot," said Queen Beryl. "We have to do our Thanksgiving blessing!"

They all moaned in unison.

"DO IT OR DIE!" Queen Beryl yelled.

"YES SIR!"

They all turned to Kunzite.

"Dammit guys," he said. "Ok, umm, we are gathered here today, to join in thankfulness. And eat food, that Kunzite prepared all by himself."

They all started objecting, but Queen Beryl cut them off. "OK GUYS! Now we go around the table and say what we're thankful for!"

Jadeite began. "I'm thankful that I'm still alive," he said. "I thought for sure you would have killed me by now. I know I would have!"

Nephrite went next. "I'm thankful for MAWLY! And the stars! And MAWLY! And the fact that I won that slugfest with Zoisite earlier!"

"DID NOT!" screamed Zoisite.

"DID TOO!" screamed Nephrite.

"D:"

":("

"D:"

":("

":)"

":D"

":*"

"o_o"

";D"

"o_e"

"o_+" - cyborg

"o_O"

"O_o"

"O_O"

"^_^"

":3"

"stfu u two" baked beryl

"ANYWAY," said Zoisite, ignoring the past emoticon conversion with Nephrite. "I am thankful for my bae Kunzite :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D"

"Say what?" asked Kunzite, who wasn't listening. "Let's see, what am I thankful for..."

Zoisite looked up at him with a expectant smile.

"Umm... I guess I'm thankful for my hair color, it's pretty cool. It takes a lot of bleach to keep up, but it's worth it."

Zoisite started sobbing.

"Zoisite pls, you're getting tears in my chicken nuggets," said Kunzite.

"Guys," interjected Queen Beryl. "I think you're forgetting the most important thing."

"Oh yeah!" said Kunzite. "I totally forgot! I'm thankful for my cape!"

Queen Beryl and Zoisite both glared at him. He ignored it and continued rubbing his face against his cape.

"YOU FORGOT TO BE THANKFUL FOR ME!" Queen Beryl and Zoisite yelled at once.

"Zoisite stfu," said Beryl. "I BROUGHT YOU ALL BACK TO LIFE AFTER LEADING YOU TO DEATH IN THE MOON KINGDOM RAID!"

"No that was Queen Metalia," said Nephrite.

"SILENCE!" barked Beryl. "IF YOU GUYS AREN'T THANKFUL FOR ME, THEN I MIGHT AS WELL KEEEEEEL YOU!"

"No no no!" they cried. "We're thankful for you!"

"Really?" she asked skeptically. "Which part of me?"

"Oh, I can't do it!" cried Jadeite. "I can't lie!"

Queen Beryl killed him.

"Now you three, tell me what about me you are thankful for or die!"

"Ummmmm..."

They all looked at each other, and then made a quick bolt for the door.

Queen Beryl shot them all before they could come close to escaping.

Queen Beryl sat back down at the table and took a sip of wine. "Ah, peace and quiet. Now I have something to be thankful for!"

FIN


	20. Zoisite In The Rough

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Nephrite. "I found a new source of energy!"

Jadeite appeared. "WTF Nephrite! That's my thing!"

"Oh really? I don't see your name on it," said Nephrite.

"Queen Beryl!" cried Jadeite. "Nephrite's bullying me!"

"Way to go, Nephrite. You get a gold star!" praised Queen Beryl.

"SCREW YOU ALL! I'M QUITTING! I MEAN IT THIS TIME!" Jadeite stomped his feet and ran out the door.

"You really think he's leaving?" asked Nephrite.

"Lol, I wish."

* * *

Nephrite came home after a long day of sorrow.

"Man, that Mercury Bubble Blast was really disorienting. I couldn't have seen that one coming in a million years!" he wailed.

He heard a sound in the other room. He got his golf club ready and snuck into his living room to take out the burglar.

When he got there, he was disappointed to see Zoisite laying on his couch and flipping through the TV channels.

"Zoisite! What are you doing here?!" Nephrite cried.

"Why don't you have cable?" asked Zoisite. "You live in a freaking mansion, you couldn't afford cable?"

"All my money goes to my car payments. But nevermind that. Get out of my house!"

"Hope you don't mind, I set some recordings for later. Please don't mess them up."

Nephrite snagged the remote. He began scrolling through Zoisite's recordings and realized that he deleted the recordings Nephrite had set.

"WTF! You deleted all my new Barney's! Now how will I know how to count to five?!" Nephrite cried.

"Maybe if you had a better DVR..."

"GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!" Nephrite screamed.

"Alright, alright. No need to be hostile, now," Zoisite said, getting up to leave.

Nephrite layed down in his couch to relax, but got something sticky on him.

"MELTED CHOCOLATE!?" he cried in fury. "YOU'RE ONLY ALLOWED TO EAT FOOD IN THE DINING ROOM!"

"Lol, sorry about that bud," yelled Zoisite from the kitchen.

"HEY! I thought I told you to go home!"

"There's nothing good to eat in here. You need to go to the store more often," complained Zoisite.

"We don't even need to eat food! We're not humans!" yelled Nephrite, barging into the kitchen.

Nephrite saw half of the contents of his refrigerator laying on the floor.

Zoisite's head was deep inside the fridge, and he was throwing stuff out as he searched.

"You sure have a lot of liquor in here. I think you have a problem. Yuck! Soy milk!" he yelled, throwing out an open container of soy milk. It hit Nephrite in the face.

"DAMMIT ZOISITE!"

"Here, I'll fill your refrigerator with something good," said Zoisite, magically filling it with celery.

"NOOOOOOOO!" screamed Nephrite. He picked Zoisite up over his head and walked out of his mansion. "THAT'S IT ZOISITE! GET OUT, AND STAY OUT!" He threw Zoisite out and slammed the door.

"Glad I got rid of that guy," sighed Nephrite. He went to go sit back down on his sofa, only to see Zoisite sound asleep on it.

"DAMMIT!" he cried. "Oh well, at least he's sleeping. I'll go talk about my problems to the stars."

He began talking to the stars.

"Hey pals! So today, I was-"

"OOGA BOOGA BOOGA!"

"Zoisite stfu, I'm trying to concentrate. Anyway, so I was-"

"BLA BLA BLA BLA!" yelled Zoisite.

"ZOISITE PLEASE!" He turned and saw Zoisite talking on the phone to Kunzite.

"LOL, and he doesn't even have basic cable!" Zoisite laughed.

Nephrite blew a gasket.

"ALRIGHT ZOISITE, THAT IS IT!" he screamed.

"Hold on a min, Kunzy! Nephrite's coming to yell at me right-"

Nephrite ripped the phone out of the wall.

"Hey, I was using that! How rude!" yelled Zoisite.

"I AM SO DONE WITH YOU!" screamed Nephrite.

"Oh, you're so scary!" Zoisite mocked. "What are ya gonna do, kill me? Queen Beryl only lets greater lackies kill lesser lackies. She won't let you get away with it!"

"I won't kill you," said Nephrite. "I'll get a restraining order!"

"YOU WOULDN'T!" cried Zoisite in horror.

Nephrite just smirked and poofed away.

"Screw him," said Zoisite. "He doesn't have the guts."

He went up into Nephrite's bathroom and started a shower.

"La da dee! La da doo!" he sung. "Eww, Nephrite has awful shampoo. Who wants their hair to smell like lilacs anyway?"

Just then, the police burst open the door.

"YOU ARE IN VIOLATION OF A RESTRAINING ORDER!" they yelled, pulling Zoisite out of the shower.

"How dare you barge into a woman's shower!" he cried.

They continued to drag him out of the house.

"Oh come on! At least let me get my clothes!"

"NO! They belong to that guy now!" The police stated. They punted him out the door into the middle of the woods, and then disappeared.

"Grrr, that Nephrite thinks he can use Earth law to keep me at bay? We'll see about that!"

He went to go back into Nephrite's mansion, but got pushed back by a legal barrier. "WAAAA!"

* * *

The next day, Zoisite approached Queen Beryl's throne room to whine about Nephrite.

But before he could enter, he was stopped by an officer.

"Excuse me ma'am, you may not come any closer," he stated harshly.

"WHAT!?" screamed Zoisite indignantly.

He looked and saw Nephrite in Queen Beryl's room.

"You can't come within 500 ft. of that man."

"Screw you!" screamed Zoisite. "Someone has to make him look like a fool in front of Beryl, and it's gotta be me!" He bolted in toward Nephrite, but the guard shot him with a taser.

"AEGWKAEHJETHEHR!" spazzed Zoisite.

Nephrite looked over and laughed. "Can't keep away from me, huh?"

"I KEEEEEL U!" Zoisite sobbed, as they dragged him away.

* * *

Queen Beryl began her Shitennou meeting on strategies to lose to the Sailor Scouts.

"I think we should only attack with planes," suggested Jadeite.

"Good idea," said Beryl. "If you thought this hard about all your plans, Metallia would have been revived years ago!"

"Who?" asked Kunzite.

"I got an idea!" said Nephrite. "Let's hypnotize one of the good guys, and do it poorly!"

"Brilliant!" said Beryl.

"That's stupid," said Zoisite. "The only way to defeat the Sailors is wejgawege-"

"What was that?" asked Queen Beryl. "You're lagging out, Zoisite."

Jadeite turned to the laptop that Zoisite was trying to Skype them from, since he couldn't be at the meeting when Nephrite was there.

He turned on and off video to try and fix it. "It's buffering," explained Jadeite.

"Wait, now the computer is automatically installing updates. Hang in there, Zoisite."

Zoisite sat in his room and sobbed.

The meeting continued without him.

"So, guys," said Beryl. "Who wants to come with me on our vacation to Disney World?

"I do!" volunteered the three Shitennou that were there in person.

"Hey! I do!" screamed Zoisite into his computer. But his mic was not working properly. "GUYS, DO YOU HEAR ME?! I WANNA COME!"

"Zoisite, I think your mic is off," said Kunzite. "Try the Echo Sound Test."

"BUT I WANNA GO TO DISNEY WORLD!"

"What'd he say?"

Zoisite typed it out to them on Skype IM.

"What'd he message?" asked Queen Beryl.

Nephrite walked over to check. "Umm... he said he would hate to go to Disney World and also he wants to work over time with no pay."

"WHAT?!" screamed Zoisite. He had finally got the mic to work.

"Nephrite is a lia-" he began, but Nephrite closed the computer.

"WAAAAAAAA!" screamed Zoisite, slamming his head on the keyboard.

After raging and sobbing for three hours, he calmed down.

"Oh well, at least I still have my date with Kunzite tonight."

* * *

Zoisite appeared at the restaurant.

He looked over at Kunzite, who waved him over.

"Oh boy!" said Zoisite, seeing his favorite dish already waiting there for him.

But just then, he spotted Nephrite and was immediately grabbed by the police.

"NOOOOO!" he cried.

"So, what flavors of wine do you serve?" Nephrite asked the waiter, sitting in a booth alone.

Kunzite looked over at him. "Want this extra meal?"

"Why yes!" said Nephrite happily, coming over to sit with Kunzite. Jadeite appeared as well.

They all talked and laughed as Zoisite was dragged out sobbing.

* * *

Zoisite sulked around his castle. "Not only did I not get my date, but now I can't take out all my problems on Nephrite!" he wailed.

After five more hours of sobbing, Kunzite finally came home.

"That was so much fun!" he said happily. "You should have been there, Zoisite!"

"AESgAERHRTNJHWEATJ!" screamed Zoisite, teleporting away.

"I know!" he said, in a sudden stroke of genius. "If I can't harass Nephrite, I'll harass Jadeite instead!"

He appeared in Jadeite's small one room apartment.

"Zoisite!" Jadeite yelled merrily.

"Hahahaha," Zoisite laughed mockingly. "Your plans are garbage!"

"Thanks for stopping by!" Jadeite said, ignoring his insults. "It's been so long since I've had company! Here, sit down! Have some tea!"

Jadeite ran into his small kitchen and poured a cup of tea.

Zoisite tried again to anger him. "So, how's being a failure?" he asked.

"Oh, you know," said Jadeite. "It has its ups and downs."

"You suck and you are awful!" screamed Zoisite, becoming enraged at Jadeite's apathy.

Jadeite just laughed. "I know, right?"

"I DID YOUR MOM!" Zoisite yelled. That was sure to rile Jadeite.

"Oh really?" he asked.

"YES! Doesn't that make you furious?"

"No, I hated my mom. I just didn't know you swung that way. Does Kunzite know about this?"

"WGJAJERHKETLTHJLAELHLEHR!" Zoisite screamed getting ready to teleport away.

"Wanna see my bottle cap collection?" Jadeite asked giddily.

"Oh... uh, I really must be going..." Zoisite attempted to escape.

"Nah, come on!" said Jadeite, dragging him across the single room apartment into the corner where he kept his bottle caps.

"So this is bottle cap #552. I got this one while on tour in Vietnam..."

"Yeah, I don't care. Now if you'll excuse me..."

"WANNA PLAY BARBIES!?" Jadeite screamed enthusiastically.

Zoisite started to sob.

"I'll be Ken, and you can be Barbie!"

He threw the Barbie at Zoisite.

"So, Barbie," said Jadeite. "Do you wanna see my dream house?"

Zoisite yelled at the top of his lungs. "YGHJAEHJAEKHEAR!"

Nephrite watched it all go down through Jadeite's small single window and laughed.

"LOLOLOLOLOLOLO this almost makes us even from the time he killed me!"

FIN


	21. Jadeite Gets Mauled By A Lion

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Oh really? What is it, Jeddy?"

"Wait, you actually want to hear what I have to say?" Jadeite asked in surprise.

"Yes. You have three seconds or you die."

"Well, you see-"

"TOO LONG!" Queen Beryl shot at Jadeite but he dodged.

"So I found that the humans have these things called-"

Queen Beryl shot at him again and blew him up.

"DUEGHUEGH!" he cried.

"Quick, Nephrite!" yelled Queen Beryl. "Go call Jadeite's life insurance provider. We're cashin in big, baby!"

But Jadeite had no life insurance. Considering his occupation, he couldn't find a company that would offer him a policy.

"Dammit, just go revive him then. There's only four of you guys, it would be stupid to kill any of you off," said Beryl.

"Wow, I'm glad you're finally thinking clearly, Queen Beryl," said Nephrite.

Queen Beryl blew up Nephrite and cashed in on Maxfield Stanton's life insurance policy.

"LELELLELELELELE!" shouted Beryl.

* * *

The four Shitennou sat in the Nega-Cafeteria.

"Darn, meatloaf again?" asked Jadeite.

"You should be happy we're letting you sit at our table at all," said Zoisite.

"But there's only one table."

"Exaclty."

"Hey guys!" exclaimed Kunzite suddenly. "I just checked my email, and I got four free tickets to the zoo!"

"Really? How'd you get that?"

"I just put my credit card number and name in some lottery on some website that Negachrome told me was malware."

"Sweet!"

They finished their meatloaf and TP'd away.

* * *

They walked around the zoo.

"So how are we going to gather energy here?" asked Nephrite.

"Don't be so dense," said Zoisite.

"Can we go check out the baby pandas?" asked Kunzite.

"Sure, I was getting hungry anyway," said Zoisite.

Kunzite pouted.

"OMG KOALAS!" screamed Jadeite. "Do you think they love me?" he asked, waving to them.

"No."

"Well I disagree," Jadeite disagreed.

Next they walked over to the lions.

"BOO!" said Nephrite. "I can make my own. I'm gonna go see the dolphins."

"I'm gonna go get snacks," said Kunzite, heading off to see the baby pandas.

"Now wait just a minute," said Zoisite. "I think this is just a plan so you can eat baby pandas without me."

"Not exactly..."

Jadeite leaned over to look at the lion. "Woah it's so real!" exclaimed Jadeite.

"Hey Jadeite," said Zoisite. "I dare you to jump in the lion's cage!"

"Nope," said Jadeite. "I'll only do it if it's a triple dog dare."

"Fine," said Zoisite. "I triple dog dare you to jump in the lion's cage!"

"Alright!" said Jadeite. He leaped the fence into the lion's cage.

Jadeite turned his back to the lions and waved at Zoisite and Kunzite.

They gave him a thumbs up.

"I'm so cool," said Jadeite to himself.

"It's sad we have to see Jadeite die," remarked Zoisite.

"Yep," said Kunzite, taking a chomp out of his cotton candy.

The lion rose behind Jadeite, casting a shadow.

"Did it just get cloudy out?" asked Jadeite. He turned around slowly.

"UH OH!" he shrieked.

He started to run around in circles. But the lion grabbed him with its big meaty claw, and threw him in his mouth.

Jadeite started to shriek more. "HAAAAAAALP!"

Nephrite returned from the dolphins. "That was really an eye opener," he said.

"Hey guys!" he called to Kunzite and Zoisite. "Look at these giraffes! Look how tall they are!"

"OMG WHERE!?" they both gleefully rushed over to the giraffes, ignoring Jadeite's shrieks.

Kunzite threw his cotton candy backwards into the lions' den as he walked away.

FIN


	22. Negabroke

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"JADEITE! THIS ISN'T THE TIME! WE'RE IN A STATE OF CRISIS!"

"Oh no! Did someone try to kill our enemy Mamoru again?"

"Even worse!"

"GASP!"

"I just tallied up this month's spending..." began Queen Beryl.

"Uh oh," said Jadeite.

"YOU BOUGHT A GYM!?" she screamed at him. "And a cruise ship?!"

"Well, you see, it was to get energy, my Queen!"

"Well where's the energy!?"

"Heh heh... well about that..."

"SILENCE! WE ARE 80k NEGABUCKS IN DEBT! THIS IS NO JOKE!"

"I wasn't laughing! But I highly doubt that me alone put us in that much debt!"

Just then, Nephrite drunk drove through the wall of Beryl's throne room. He opened the car door and fell out, flat on his face, along with many empty liquor bottles. He rolled over and assessed the damages.

"Dammit!" he slurred. "There goes another 30k sports car!"

"NEPHRITE! THAT'S THE THIRD ONE TO DAY!" Beryl shrieked.

"Aww, I'm so sorry bruh, it was me accident, I swore it!"

"Grrrrr..."

"Queen Beryl!" screamed Zoisite and Kunzite, teleporting in in a frenzy.

"Queen Beryl! The company credit card got declined! And right as we were about to complete our collection of solid golden and diamond paper weights!"

"WHY WERE YOU BUYING THAT!?" Queen Beryl cried out in anguish.

"We thought the paper weight you were rubbing all day was cool, so we started collecting them ourselves!"

"IT'S NOT A PAPER WEIGHT! IT'S MY POWER SPHERE OF DOOM! I need it to store all the energy we don't have!"

"But Queen Beryl! We already had a billion dollar room built in our trillion dollar castle to house the paper weights! Just fork over a few extra grand, pls & ty!"

"I CAN'T!"

"Come on now, don't be mean, you know our castle needs these paper weights."

"No, I mean I CAN'T! We're all out of money!"

"WAT?!" everyone gasped.

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Nephrite, raising his hand. He stood up to speak. "That's where afjeilw kfam l;we;f," he mumbled, falling down.

"WAT?!" asked Queen Beryl.

"He said he wants you to buy us that crystal paper weight to rub," Zoisite explained.

"Nofjejfjasjfaog!" slurred Nephrite. "I need money to get help. REhabububububub-"

Just then, the loan shark showed up. "Yo, Beryl me boy, you got dat money to repay me yet?" he asked.

"NO! Back off or I'll kill you!" she screamed.

But the loan shark repossessed her crystal ball before she could fire.

"NO!" shouted Beryl. "Now how will I kill you?!" She looked around desperately. She saw a hair dryer and turned it on, holding it up at the loan shark. "Don't come any closer!" she warned.

But then the power went out because she couldn't afford the electric bill. The loan shark preceded to repossess the cave, and threw them all out.

They lay in the ice of the North Pole and contemplated their choice for a hideout location.

Jadeite ran back in, attempting to grab his comic book collection, but they caught him and pummeled him.

"Not to worry!" volunteered Kunzite. "I snuck out all these winter coats so we won't freeze to death!"

"I HEARD THAT!" screamed the loan shark, repossessing their coats.

They lay shivering in the snow.

Zoisite started to sob. "They've taken everything but the clothes on our backs!"

"Oh yeah, looks like we gotta take that too," said the shark.

Zoisite sobbed harder.

"It's okay," said Kunzite. "At least I still have you :D"

"Oh yeah," said the loan shark, repossessing Zoisite.

"Noooooo!" he cried as they pulled him away. "I'm not property!"

The loan shark stopped to check his info. "Actually, according to Queen Beryl's tax return, all of you are listed as property."

"Nooooooooo!" they all cried. They slugged the loan shark and fled. Queen Beryl followed suit.

* * *

They stood on the street corner of Tokyo.

"Spare change?" they asked of moving cars. Some guy purposely drove through puddle to splash them.

"How have we fallen so far!?" sobbed Beryl.

A car stopped next to them. It was Mamoru Chiba's red car.

"Hello, hoboes!" he said gleefully. "Which one of you wants to wash my wind shield for a nickel?"

"WE SHALL NOT BE SUBJECTED TO THIS!" screamed Beryl, furious.

"Huh?" said Jadeite, spraying Mamoru's window with window cleaner.

"Oh come on," said Nephrite, guilt tripping Mamoru. "We are disabled veterans, can't you fork over more than a nickel?"

"What war did you fight in, exactly?" Mamoru asked skeptically.

"The raid against the Moon Kingdom."

"Huh." Mamoru started to drive away, without paying Jadeite his nickel.

But they ran after his car. "Come on!" pleaded Jadeite, as they chased down the car on foot. "Isn't there anything we can do to make a couple of bucks?"

Mamoru stopped the car. They didn't stop running in time, and tripped and fell over a mailbox. "OOF!"

"There's one thing you can do," he offered. "You can DANCE for me!"

"No, I refuse!" stated Zoisite.

"Come on, babe," said Kunzite. "We have no choice!"

"Why don't we just mug him?" Zoisite asked.

"Because then we'll have to pay bail when we get arrested."

"Aww shucks."

They all started tap dancing for Mamoru.

Jadeite started crying.

"That one guy is ruining the dance. Start over!" demanded Mamoru.

"Ok, that's it!" screamed Zoisite, punching Mamoru in the face.

"Zoisite!" shouted Beryl, punching Zoisite on the arm. "He's such a hunkster, don't damage him!"

"I see how it is," said Mamoru, driving away again.

"NONONONONO!" they cried. But he didn't listen, and picked up the pace.

"See what you did?" scolded Nephrite.

But Jadeite thought fast. He threw himself in front of the moving car. "OWOWOWOWW!"

"OMG!" screamed Mamoru. "You psycho!"

Mamoru tried to hit and run, but Jadeite grabbed onto the exhaust pipe and got dragged down the street.

Mamoru made a sharp turn, sending Jadeite flying into a building.

Jadeite ran back into the street and started screaming. "DID ANYONE SEE THAT?! THAT MAN JUST RAN ME OVER AND FLED THE SEEN! I DEMAND LAW SUIT!"

But everyone turned away and started whistling. "I'm not being a witness in court today!" they all decided.

Exhausted and defeated, they walked into a soup kitchen.

They took their bowls of soup and sat down at a table.

"I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS!" wept Nephrite. "I need my mansion! I NEED MY SPORTS CARS! I! NEED! MY! BEEEEEEEEEER!"

"Then we must devise a plan!" decided Beryl.

"I know!" said Jadeite. "Let's buy a cruise ship and steal love energy!"

"Jadeite," said Beryl, "That's the kind of thinking that put us in this predicament."

"I was only trying to help :("

"Let's ask the stars for ideas!" Nephrite suggested.

"They took that too!" cried Beryl.

"HOW?!" he wept.

"I know!" said Zoisite. "Let's try to sue someone!"

"Brilliant!" said Beryl.

"Yippee! Suck it Nephrite and Jadeite!"

* * *

They walked into the diner where Andrew's sister works.

The manager gave them a dirty look, because they were bums.

They sat down at a table and ordered a meal. The meal came.

"So what do we do?" asked Jadeite.

"Simple. We make it look like they put bad stuff in our food! Then we cash in!"

"So we put Jadeite's diary in there?" asked Queen Beryl. "It's really full of garbage."

"You read my diary?!" Jadeite asked in horror.

"We all did! We do it every Saturday night to catch up on your recent entries!"

Jadeite sobbed.

"So what are we putting in the food then?" Nephrite asked.

Kunzite poured a bunch of salt in their food. "WAITER!" he cried.

Andrew's sister walked over.

"THIS FOOD IS WAY TO SALTY! GIVE US MONEY!" Kunzite demanded.

"Umm... I can't do that, but I guess I'll bring you a new dish?"

"NOOOOOO! This man is very sick because of all the salt you put in it! Right, Jadeite?"

"Um, yeah!" said Jadeite. "Cough cough!"

Andrew's sister furrowed her eyebrows. "Did you just speak the words 'cough cough' in an attempt to sound sick?"

"Damn, she's good!" Kunzite remarked in awe.

"We have to take more drastic measures!" exclaimed Zoisite. "THERE WAS A FINgER IN MY SOUP!"

"Really?" Andrew's sister asked suspiciously. "Well, for one, you didn't order soup. For two, I don't see a finger."

"That's where you're wrong!" shouted Zoisite, grabbing Nephrite's hand and a table knife.

"BWAAHH!" screamed Nephrite, slugging Zoisite before he could snatch his finger. He accidentally slugged Zoisite too hard and he passed out.

He took Zoisite's head and put it in his salad.

"Look!" he cried. "There's a dead woman in my salad!"

"Oh my gawd!" screamed Andrew's sister. "And she's hideous!"

"I HEARD THAT!" mumbled Zoisite.

"Oh, look, it's just a conscious woman in your salad. That's not a hazard at all. Nice try, buddy."

Jadeite spit in their food. "Look! There's spit in my food!"

"I saw you do that," said Andrew's sister.

"OH NO!" screamed Beryl. "There's dead Shitennou in my broccoli!"

"What?" asked Jadeite. "I don't see any-" Jadeite dodged her blast, and it blew up the wall.

"That's gonna cost you more!" said the Manager.

"PLEASE!" they begged. "We need money! We can't come out from under this debt! Have mercy!"

"Well, I have one way you can pay back your dues."

"ANYTHING!" cried Beryl.

* * *

"This goes to table five!" shouted Queen Beryl, passing a dish to waiter Jadeite.

Jadeite moaned and brought the dish over to the table, where the Sailors were sitting.

"That guy seems familiar," remarked Usagi.

"Yeah..." said Rei, "But I just can't place him. Let's play it safe and make him bring us glasses of water continuously."

"AHGHAWEJGW!" screamed Jadeite.

"So," asked Zoisite from the kitchen. "How much longer till we pay off that debt?"

Queen Beryl did some calculations. "How long was the Silver Millenium?"

"A millenium?"

"Yeah, that long."

"KEEEEEEEL ME!" said Nephrite.

But then Molly walked in and ordered a chocolate milkshake. Nephrite happily walked over to bring it to her, and sit down at the table, but some geek with glasses was taking up the other seat.

Nephrite killed him.

"That's gonna be taken off your paycheck!" said Andrew's sister.

Queen Beryl sighed.

* * *

20000000 years later...

The Negaverse had finally payed their dues. They returned to the North Pole to reclaim their cave. But just then the apocolypse happened, and the Earth exploded.

"I hope there's room for 5 more on the Moon Kingdom!"

FIN


	23. Shitennou Inspection Day

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Not now, Jadeite! Assemble the others, it's time for the monthly inspection!"

"Uh oh!" said Jadeite, warping away to warn the others.

They all gathered and stood in line in front of Queen Beryl as she examined them.

"Jadeite," she began.

"Oh boy, this is where my story ends!" sighed Jadeite.

"You're looking sharp, Jadeite! Your hair is a normal male length! Way to go!"

Jadeite gushed.

"You get a smiley face for the day!"

Jadeite gushed harder.

"Now what the hell is up with you three's hair?!" Queen Beryl exclaimed, baffled.

"Don't you think I look pretty :3?" Zoisite asked.

"You're not supposed to look pretty, you're a guy," Queen Beryl stated harshly.

"I CAN BE WHATEVER I WANT TO BE! YOU AIN'T MY PA!"

"I killed your Pa!"

Zoisite gasped.

"Kunzite, why is your hair such a freaky color? Lay off the bleach," Queen Beryl commanded.

"But that's my natural hair color!"

"BULLSHIT!" she yelled.

Kunzite whimpered. "Do you want me to dye it a different color then?"

"Yes. Don't return until you have any color but white."

Kunzite whimpered again and warped away.

"Nephrite!"

"Yes, Queen?" he said, turning to let his luxurious locks flow in the wind.

"Nephrite, you need a hair cut. That hair is not manly nor practical. That goes for you too, Zoisite!"

"WHAT?!" they both gasped in terror. "NEVER!"

"Do it or I'll key your car!"

Nephrite hung his head and gave in. He warped away to get a hair cut.

Zoisite warped away as well, with no intentions of getting a haircut. "She'll totally forget about this in a few hours," thought Zoisite.

"So what do you want me to do, Queen Beryl?" Jadeite asked.

"I don't care, just don't do it here."

"Whoopee!"

Kunzite returned, his hair now neon green.

"KUNZITE! What is the meaning of this!?"

"You said any color but white!"

"I meant any NORMAL color!"

"Dawgonnit!" he yelled, warping away again.

"Queen Beryl!" said Jadeite.

"Didn't I tell you to go away?"

"I just wanted to tell you how thankful I was for that smiley face!"

"That's it, I'm killing you right now!"

"Ok ok I'm leaving," Jadeite said, finally leaving.

Kunzite returned, his hair now deep blue.

"KUNZITE! What is the meaning of this!?"

"You said any NORMAL color!"

"That's not a normal color!" Queen Beryl shrieked.

"Yes it is, haven't you seen Sailor Mercury? Or Saphear?"

"No. Fix this mess or I will shave your head!" threatened Beryl.

"GAH!" he cried, warping away once more.

* * *

Nephrite sadly walked out of the hair salon, with a buzz cut. He was wearing all black funeral attire, and was whiping his tears with a hankerchief.

"So what do you guys think?" he asked Kunzite and Jadeite.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" they laughed.

"Oh, haha," said Nephrite, angrily. "At least my hair isn't neon yellow!"

"HEY!" corrected Kunzite. "That's highlighter yellow, to you!"

"You look like a fool."

"At least I don't look like a tool!"

Jadeite just chortled.

Kunzite slugged Jadeite.

"OWWWOWOWOW!" yelled Jadeite. "I don't know what hurt worse, that slug, or looking at your hair."

"Alright, that's it!" said Kunzite, turning to take out Jadeite. But then a lock of hair fell in his eyes and he was blinded. He couldn't find where to shoot in time, and Jadeite took off like the wind.

"So," said Nephrite, trying to take the subject off of his hideously deformed buzz cut. "Where's Zoisite? He was supposed to meet us here."

"I don't know, I guess let's look for him," said Kunzite.

* * *

The two of them looked all around Kunzite's castle for Zoisite. After finally giving up, they both opened the fridge to get a snack.

There, they found Zoisite, curled up in a ball and eating carrots.

"Zoisite, what are you doing in there?" asked Kunzite.

"I'm hiding from Beryl! She wants to steal my baby!"

"You're baby? Huh?" asked Nephrite.

"MY HAAAAAIR!"

"It won't be that bad," said Kunzite. "It'll grow back... unlike my white hair..."

"NOT SOON ENOUGH!" sobbed Zoisite.

"Come on," said Nephrite. "I got a haircut, and look how good it turned out!"

Zoisite started bawling, and slammed the fridge door on them.

"But I was hungry!" cried Nephrite.

"TOO BAD!" yelled a muffled voice from inside the refrigerator.

Kunzite pulled Nephrite aside and whispered to him. "We have to trick him and cut his hair! Otherwise, Queen Beryl will kill him, and give us frowny faces!"

"Fine," agreed Nephrite.

* * *

Kunzite and Zoisite walked down the street.

"See, aren't you glad I convinced you to leave the fridge?" Kunzite asked.

"Yeah, but I'm not getting a haircut," said Zoisite.

"Nope," agreed Kunzite. "No haircuts! Just a nice walk through the town. Hey, look at that! Free massages!"

"Oh boy!" Zoisite said. "Let's go get one!"

They walked over to the free massage place, where a mustached man with a buzzcut, and another mustached man with spiffy blond hair stood.

"Hello, I am J. Dwight. I will be your masseuse today," said the one man.

"And I am Maxfield Stanton," said the other.

"LOL," said Zoisite, to the Maxfield Stanton fellow. "You have an ugly buzzcut, just like that guy I know!"

"Don't rub it in," sobbed Maxfield.

Kunzite and Zoisite layed down on the massage beds and started getting the massages.

"Hey," said J. Dwight. "Why do I have to give you a massage, Kunzite?"

"Shhh, it's part of the plan!" said Kunzite.

"I don't think it is," J. Dwight stated.

"So, just relax now," said Nephrite/Maxfield to Zoisite. He pulled out a pair of scissors and went in for the kill.

But Zoisite's hair sense started tingling. He caught the scissors before they made contact.

"ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME!?" he demanded, jumping up.

"No, we're just trying to cut your hair."

"EVEN WORSE!"

Zoisite began attacking Maxfield. He tried to fight back, but without his hair, he was nothing. J. Dwight tried to step in, but Zoisite socked him in the face.

"Ouch!" screamed Jadeite. "I didn't sign up for this!"

Zoisite was about to deliver the final blow on Nephrite, but Kunzite intercepted, and took a powerful punch, getting thrown backwards into a building.

"Why, Kunzite?" Zoisite asked in shock.

"We were just trying to cut your hair so Queen Beryl won't beat you up! I don't wanna see you get hurt!"

"AWwwwwwwww..." said Zoisite, feeling kind of bad. "So does this mean..."

J. Dwight took off his mustache, revealing that he was, in fact, Jadeite.

Zoisite gasped. "Jadeite!"

"The one and only!"

"And me, Nephrite!" Nephrite moaned, laying on the ground in pain.

"Awwwww you guys all tried so hard to save me from getting beat up by Queen Beryl..."

"Not exactly," said Nephrite. "I was just trying to forward my career as a masseuse."

"Well, the rest of us were," said Kunzite.

"D'awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww," said Zoisite, sadly. "Then I know what I must do." He walked away, crying.

Kunzite followed, telling him that he was proud of his sacrifice.

Nephrite weakly rose to his feet. "What?" he asked. "No pay?!"

* * *

Queen Beryl sat in her thrown, doing the follow up inspection.

"Spiffy as always, Jadeite! Nephrite, you look a total tool. LLOLOLOLOLO! Kunzite, don't ever steal my hair color again. Stick to your creepy white, you bafoon. And where's Zoisite?"

The three Shitennou there exchanged nervous glances.

Then, Zoisite slowly entered the room. He had a short haircut, making him look like a butch lesbian.

"Hmm," said Beryl. "Satisfactory work, Zoisite."

Zoisite just let silent tears fall.

"Alright, you doofuses are done for the day. Just be here early tomorrow for evil laugh inspection!"

"Oh boy!" said Jadeite. "Who wants to go to the carnival?"

He, Nephrite, and Kunzite warped off to the carnival.

Zoisite stayed behind, and returned to his castle alone. When he got inside, he took off the short haired wig, letting his long hair flow out voluptuously.

"HAHAHAHAHA! I'll cut my hair over Nephrite's dead body! LOLOLOLOLEELEELEEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEWOOT!"

FIN


	24. Australian Rules

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Nah, nah, nah, stop right there, Jeddy!" Queen Beryl interrupted.

"What, my Queen?" Jadeite asked in shock.

"You just tried eleven new sources in a row, none of which were successful!"

"Oh boy, this is where my story ends!" Jadeite said glumly.

"So, I think you should step aside and let one of the other more *competent* Shitennous have a turn."

"Oh yeah yeah good idea!" said Jadeite, making a hasty retreat before Queen Beryl could change her mind.

Queen Beryl turned to the other three Shitennou who were lounging around in the Nega-lounge.

"Nephrite! Time to step up to the hot seat!" Queen Beryl called to him.

"Hold on, I'm on the last chapter of my Manga!"

"Zoisite! It's your turn on Wheel of Negaverse!" Queen Beryl tried again.

"Nah, I don't really feeeeeel like it," said Zoisite, half asleep.

"WHAAAAT!?" shrieked Queen Beryl.

"Kunzite! It's your moment to shine!"

"Sorry, my manly manicure is at one o'clock. I'd reschedule, but I did that last week, and I don't want to make a habit of it, ya know?"

Queen Beryl started firing missiles at them.

They barely dodged. "Ok, ok!" they cried. They limped over to her throne.

"What the hell do you want," moaned Zoisite, rubbing his eyes. "I'll have you know that I was almost asleep!"

"Grrrr..." Queen Beryl growled.

Kunzite nudged Zoisite with his elbow.

"Jadeite is a big disappointment," Queen Beryl explained. "I need one of you guys to step in and do his job."

"But I already have this list of people at the peaks of their lives!" Nephrite explained, showing Queen Beryl a clip board.

Queen Beryl warped it into her hands.

"No, don't actually look at it!" screeched Nephrite.

She read it out loud. "Tomato paste, organic carrot juice, brussel sprouts... this is just your shopping list!"

"What?!" Nephrite cried defensively. "Someone stole my list! Zoisite, how could you!?"

"What?" Zoisite yelled. "I didn't steal your dumb list. You're just embarrassed that you're trying to eat healthy!"

"Me!? Eat healthy?! I'm too manly for that, no way!"

"See what I mean!"

"QUIET!" barked Beryl. "One of you SHITennou's will volunteer! I don't care who! You have one hour to choose which of you will come to the chopping block, or you're all dead! You hear me? DEAD!"

"Does that include me?" asked Jadeite, hanging in the doorway.

"YES!" barked Beryl.

"Uh oh."

* * *

Nephrite, Zoisite, and Kunzite sat in the Nega coffee shop.

"Alright, guys, we have to decide who comes up with a new source of energy for Beryl!" Kunzite told them.

"I've got an idea!" said Nephrite.

"What is it?" asked Zoisite.

"1 2 3 NOT IT!" he yelled.

"NOT IT!" Zoisite and Kunzite yelled at exactly the same time.

"You said it first!" shouted Zoisite to Kunzite.

"No you did! I heard ye!"

"I think Zoisite said it first," Nephrite said.

"You're biased!" yelled Zoisite.

"Nuh uh!"

"Yeah huh!"

"I have a better idea," said Kunzite. He magically warped up three strings and held them in his hand. "Whoever pulls the longest one has to help Beryl!"

"I don't think so!" Nephrite argued. "If you end up with the longest one, you can just tear it and make it shorter. It should be whoever picks the shortest one has to do it."

"Nevermind then," said Kunzite.

"I have an idea!" said Zoisite. "We all vote!"

"I like that one," said Kunzite.

"This is bullshit!" said Nephrite.

"Who do you vote for, Kunzite?" asked Zoisite.

"Why, Nephrite of course!"

"Me too!" said Zoisite. "That's two votes against Nephrite. Who do you vote for, Nephrite?"

"You."

"Ok! Two for Nephrite, one for me! Looks like Neffy is out of luck!"

Just then, Jadeite appeared. "I vote for Zoisite!" he yelled.

"WHAT!? You don't have a vote!"

"Yeah huh, I do! I'm 18! The Nega goverment says I do now!"

"There is no voting age in the Negaverse!" Zoisite argued.

"In fact, we don't vote at all!" Kunzite added. "Queen Beryl has the only vote."

"Well, technically, we are in the North Pole, which is owned by America because everything is!" Nephrite said. "And in America, Zoisite isn't even old enough to vote!"

"WUT?!"

"So it looks like, two for Zoisite, one for me! Looks like you're out of luck, pal!"

"No!" cried Zoisite. "Evil Mamoru still has a vote!"

They teleported to Mamoru Chiba's apartment.

"What do you guys want?" he asked, mildly annoyed.

"Mamoru, ol' buddy ol' pal," began Nephrite. "Who do you vote to have to do Queen Beryl's bidding?"

"I don't know," Mamoru said. "Who are my choices?"

"It's down to me and Zoisite," Nephrite explained. "Might I remind you that I have never stabbed you?"

"I'll pay you ten bucks to vote for Nephrite!" cried Zoisite.

"HEY! No bribing the voters!" Nephrite yelled. "This kind, beautiful, handsome voter is too good for your bribery!" Nephrite brown-nosed.

"HEY! No brown-nosing the voters!" Zoisite said mockingly.

"Hey, is that a TV in there?" Jadeite asked, coming inside.

Mamoru pushed him out, along with the rest of them, and slammed the door.

"MAMORU!" Zoisite cried from outside the door. "Please don't shut me out again! Please don't slam the door! You don't have to keep your distance any mooooooore!" he sung.

"Zoisite! Go away!" he yelled.

"HE SAID MY NAME! THAT'S A VOTE FOR ME!" Zoisite said happily.

"Let's just try something else," said Kunzite.

"BUT I WOOOOON!" whined Zoisite.

"Rock paper scissors?"

"Fine."

They all did a round of rock paper scissors. They all did rocks.

They tried again. Kunzite did a rock, Zoisite did a scissors, and Nephrite did a paper.

"Who wins?" asked Jadeite.

Nephrite changed his to a gun. "ME!"

"No fair!" said Zoisite. "We're not playing by Australian rules!"

Kunzite tried to come up with a better way. "All we have to do is play two rounds, each person versus each person, and then tally up the-"

"BORING!" yelled Zoisite. "I've got it! Let's all write our names on pieces of paper, and put them in the middle! Then we can have Jadeite draw one, and that person comes up with a new source of energy!"

"Fair enough..." Nephrite said cautiously.

They borrowed Mamoru's Tuxedo hat, and put their names in it.

"Ok Jadeite, do your thing!" said Zoisite.

Just then, Kunzite appeared in the middle, stealing Zoisite and his names out of the hat and disappearing.

"HEY!" yelled Nephrite. "I SAW THAT! PUT IT BACK!"

"Aww shucks," said Kunzite, putting the names back. "Maybe if I hadn't stood around and gloated."

Jadeite reached down to select a name.

But all three used their magic to warp away their names.

"What the-" said Jadeite, when there were no names in the hat. "Where did everyone's names go?"

"Wow," said Zoisite. "You guys make me sick!"

"You took your name out too!" exclaimed Nephrite, pointing to the hand Zoisite was holding his in.

"No I didn't!" said Zoisite, warping it on Jadeite's head.

"Oh, here's one," said Jadeite, pulling it out of his hair.

"DAMMIT!" said Zoisite. "Aww well, looks like I lost fair and square!"

He spawned a crystal behind Jadeite and threw it at him. But Jadeite dropped the paper by accident, and when he bent down to pick it up, the crystal hit Kunzite.

"OWW!" he cried. He smacked Nephrite.

"WHAT WAS THAT FOR!?" yelled Nephrite, slugging him back.

Within seconds, all four Shitennous were slugging it out.

Unbeknowest to them, the hour had passed. Queen Beryl warped them back to her throne room, only to see them all exchanging blows.

"WHAT ARE YOU MORONS DOING!?" she screamed.

They continued to roll on the floor and beat each other, not realizing they had been moved.

"Oh hi Queen Beryl," Jadeite said, looking up and noticing the Queen's scowl. "How long have you been on Mamoru's doorstep?"

Zoisite stood up. "We made a decision!"

"We did?" asked Nephrite and Kunzite.

Queen Beryl looked at them skeptically.

"Well, who did you decide on, then?"

"Jadeite will do it!" he explained. Nephrite and Kunzite nodded in agreement.

"WHAT?!" said Beryl. "But he's so incompetent!"

"Come on, Queen! It's the thought that counts!" Kunzite told her.

"Wait a minute," Queen Beryl said suddenly, an idea dawning on her. "Why don't all four of you WORK TOGETHER!?"

They all gasped and fell to the floor in shock. "WHAAAAAAAAAAAT!?"

"YES!" she said enthusiastically. "It's settled! Hop to it!"

They all reluctantly went and worked together. Three days later, Queen Metalia was revived and the Negaverse took over the world.

FIN


	25. Jed And Breakfast

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"What is it, gay boy?" Queen Beryl shouted.

Jadeite sobbed, but eventually regained composure. "The humans have these things called 'Bed and Breakfasts.' We can imitate one of these traps, and use it to steal energy!"

"How?" asked Beryl.

"Uhhhhhhhnguhhhhhhh... with a basic energy snatchin' machine?" Jadeite figured.

"Meh. It's not worse than any of your other plans. Go for it!"

"But the thing is, Queen Beryl, we need to use your lair for the bed and breakfast!"

"Why can't you use Zoisite and Kunzite's castle? Or Nephrite's Earth mansion?"

"Because last time I tried they called me mean names!"

"And you didn't think I would call you mean names?"

"I just hoped you wouldn't."

"Jadeite, you suck eggs," said Queen Beryl.

":("

"Fine, you can use my lair, but make it snappy!"

"Will do!" Jadeite said merrily.

* * *

Jadeite and Nephrite stood by the freeway, admiring their work on assembling the giant billboard.

"The Nega Inn! We won't steal your energy! Pls stay here, we need energy!" it read.

A lone car drove through the deserted highway and threw a milkshake at the billboard. The next lone car, while trying to decipher what gibberish the billboard said, drove off the road, crashing into the billboard's support pole and causing it to fall over.

"A job well done," said Jadeite, as they walked off into the sunset.

* * *

Kunzite lay asleep at the front desk, which was the Earth entrance to the Negaverse. It had been two whole days, and no one had showed up.

Jadeite strolled out into the lobby giddily, counting his zero dollars. "Business booming as usual I see, aye Kunzy?"

Kunzite woke up suddenly. "Huh?" he said. "A customer? At long last?"

"No silly, it's me, Jadeite!"

"UGHGHGHGH!" said Kunzite going back to sleep.

"Hey!" yelled Jadeite. "Quit slacking off, or I won't pay you!"

"You're not paying me. Queen Beryl is making me do this. Because you killed off all our Youmas with your idiot schemes."

"HEY NOW!" said Jadeite. "No need to point fingers here."

Just then, they heard a sound they hadn't heard for millenia. It was the jingle of the bell on the door, as it opened.

"A CUSTOMER!" cried Jadeite.

It was Usagi Tsukino and Chibiusa Chiba.

"HEY GAIS! WANT A ROOM!?" Jadeite screamed in their faces.

"Umm... we thought this was a Dunkin Donuts. But sure!"

"WOOOOOOOO!" said Jadeite, fist pumping.

"Hmmm. This girl looks familiar," noted Kunzite.

"Nahhhh," said Jadeite, giving them a room key. "Enjoy your stay!"

"Suuuuuure," said Usagi.

"LOOK AT THAT KUNZITE! ONE FULL CUSTOMER!"

"Please, Jadeite, use your indoor voice," Kunzite requested impatiently. "So when are we going to steal their energy?"

"Hey hey, one step at a time there, speedy! First we have to show them a good stay!"

The phone rung at the front desk.

"Oh boy, our first call! Isn't it wonderful?" asked Jadeite.

Kunzite picked up the phone, very disgruntled. "What do you want?" he sneered.

"Can I have a buffet?" Usagi asked.

"WHAT!? We don't have buffets!"

"Oh. They can you bring me a continuous food supply? I'm nearly starved!" Usagi cried. "What's that, Chibiusa? Oh, can we make that two endless food supplies?"

"No," said Kunzite, hanging up.

Jadeite glared at him. Kunzite moaned and called them back. "Two endless food supplies it is."

"Yippee!" said Usagi and Chibiusa, high-fiving.

* * *

The room service, AKA Zoisite, arrived at the room.

He knocked on the door. There was no answer. He knocked again, loudly.

"Can't you see the Do Not Disturb Sign?!" Chibiusa scolded.

"I'm bringing you the food you ordered!" yelled Zoisite.

"What? We didn't order any food," said Usagi.

Zoisite was starting to get annoyed. "You JUST called, and said you wanted two endless food supplies!"

"Mmmm... I don't think that was us..." Usagi said thoughtfully.

"YOU'RE THE ONLY PEOPLE HERE!" Zoisite screamed.

"Well, I mean, if you already brought it here, I guess we'll take it, but try to do better at your job next time."

Zoisite stormed off, leaving the buffet outside the door.

Usagi and Chibi opened the door. "OMNOMNOMNOMNOM!" they yelled, digging in and getting food all over the hallway outside.

"Can you get the maid service to come clean this up?" yelled Chibiusa as Zoisite walked away.

Steam started coming out of Zoisite's ears and he threw his hat down. "I QUIT!" he yelled.

Usagi called the main office. "Yeah, so your maid screwed up our food, and then they made us eat it all, and then they threw it on the floor and refused to clean it up! I'm not very happy with the way we're being treated. Can we get a refund?"

"REFUND!?" Jadeite cried in horror. "ZOOOOISITE! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!" he screamed.

Zoisite barged into the lobby. "I didn't do anything wrong! Those girls are INSAAAANE!"

"Zoisite! You know what our motto is! The customer is always right! Now go clean up their hall!"

Zoisite ragefully went back to the hall to clean it.

Chibiusa and Usagi were still digging into the buffet, watching him clean. "You missed a spot," said Usagi, in between bites, pointing to crumbs she had just dropped.

"Oh, my mistake!" he screamed. He cleaned up the crumbs, but while he was down there, Chibiusa dropped an entire pie on his head.

"Oops!" she giggled.

Zoisite started sputtering and foaming at the mouth.

"Hey, are you supposed to be the maid?" asked Usagi. "Because you're not doing a very good job."

"OH, PARDON ME!" Zoisite shrieked. "AND JUST HOW WOULD I DO A BETTER JOB!?"

"Well for one," said Usagi, "A positive attitude goes a long way!"

"Yeah," said Chibiusa. "Also, you should be in a maid outfit. So people don't get confused."

"YOU'RE THE ONLY PEOPLE HERE!"

"Well now I see why!"

Zoisite exploded. They called down to the main office for someone to clean up the explosion.

* * *

Meanwhile, Nephrite was greeting people at the doorway. When suddenly, an orange haired girl showed up.

"MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWLY!" he screamed in joy, running towards her in slow-mo. But then, a kid with glasses walked in beside her, and Nephrite fell on his face.

Molly and Melvin walked over him.

"Can we have a room?" asked Melvin in his nerd voice. "WINK!"

"Nephrite!" yelled Jadeite. "Show these young lovers to their room!"

Nephrite scowled very hard, and walked them to a room.

"Alright, thanks!" said Molly. "You can leave now."

But Nephrite didn't budge.

"Do you want a tip or something? We don't have any money," said Melvin, counting his bills.

Nephrite still didn't budge.

"You're making me and Molly's vacation of love awkward!" Melvin cried.

"GOOD!" said Nephrite.

Melvin slowly closed the door, as Nephrite stood outside scowling.

A few minutes later, the door swung open.

"I HEARD YOU HAD A LEAK!" said Nephrite.

"Nooo..." said Molly.

"Nah nah nah, I'll fix it! This may take a while, though!" He began dismantling the sink.

"Please leave," said Melvin.

"STAY OUT OF THIS, DWEEB!" yelled Nephrite.

"Don't talk to MELVIN that way!" Molly chided.

"YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR HIM!" screamed Nephrite.

Just then, Jadeite came barging in.

"WHAT ARE YE DOING, NEFFY!? THE CUSTOMERS ARE GETTING ANGRY! ALSO THERE'S STILL A MESS OUTSIDE OF MS. TSUKINO'S ROOM THAT ZOISITE REFUSES TO CLEAN UP!"

"Why don't you clean it up?" asked Nephrite.

"Because I'm the manager! My job is to make other people do their jobs!"

"Do you mind?" said Molly. "We're trying to have a relaxing evening."

"STAY OUT OF THIS!" Nephrite and Jadeite both yelled, as they resumed their bickering.

* * *

Just then, another customer entered. Kunzite was the only one in the lobby, so he greeted them.

"Welcome to the Nega Inn," he said unenthusiastically.

Kunzite and the new customer both looked up at the same time, and they made emotional eye contact of realization. It was Mamoru Chiba!

Kunzite glared at him, and Mamoru glared right back.

"Hello, Kunzite!" said Mamoru. "I would like a room!"

"No way! We don't serve your kind here!" Kunzite yelled.

"KUNZITE!" yelled Jadeite from Molly's room. "REMEMBER THE MOTTO!"

Kunzite let out a long sigh. "Let me show you to your room," he said through his gritted teeth.

Mamoru peered into the room. "This room isn't big enough."

"What do you mean? This is the only one bed model we have."

"Huh. Then I guess I'll need a two bedder."

"WHY!?"

"One bed for me, one bed for my tuxedo!"

"GRRRRRR!"

Kunzite led him to the new room.

"This'll never do," said Mamoru. "There's a stain on the wall."

"I don't see one!"

"The customer is always right! You have to look closer!"

Kunzite stared closely at the wall. "I still don't see-"

Mamoru pushed his head into the wall. "OOPS!" he chortled.

"THERE WILL BE A STAIN THERe SOOON!" screamed Kunzite, hovering above the ground, cape flowing wildly. "A BLOOD STAIN!"

"Excuse me, is that needless hostility I see?" asked Mamoru. "Do I need to get your boss in here?"

Kunzite floated to the ground. "Now, now, don't get hasty..."

"JADEITE!"

Jadeite charged into the room, panting. "WHAT IS THIS MONSTER DOING TO MY CUSTOMERS?!"

"He's threatening to kill me!" Mamoru sobbed.

"KUNZITE! A WORD, PLEASE!" Jadeite took him out into the hall.

Mamoru threw himself onto the bed smirking, as he heard Jadeite give Kunzite a scolding through the wall.

After he was fully satisfied, Mamoru walked back out into the hall. "Can you fluff my pillows?"

"Of course!" said Jadeite. "KUNZITE!"

Kunzite furiously fluffed Mamoru's pillows.

"That's a little too fluffy," said Mamoru. "Can you unfluff it a bit?"

Kunzite furiously unfluffed Mamoru's pillows.

"Change my TV channel! I hate this show!"

Kunzite dropped the pillow to change his channel.

"HEY! Did I tell you to stop fluffing? It's still too fluffy!"

"WELL, I CAN ONLY DO ONE THING AT A TIME!" Kunzite screamed.

"Huh, you're right. Good thing there's two of you!"

Jadeite tried to retreat. "ZOISITE!? NEPHRITE!?"

"I'M BUSY!" yelled Nephrite, from a vent above Molly's room.

"WHERE THE HELL IS ZOISITE, THEN!?" Jadeite screamed.

* * *

Zoisite paced around outside by the dumpster, grumbling to himself.

"Grrr stupid hotel, stupid Jadeite, stupid pie in the face!"

* * *

Jadeite reluctantly began turning the channels while Kunzite kept fluffing.

"Man, this is really below me as a manager," said Jadeite.

"I want someone to brush my teeth!" demanded Mamoru.

"ZOOOOOISTE!" Jadeite whined.

Zoisite finally showed up.

"I TRY TO HAVE THREE MINUTES OF RELAXING RAGE AND YOU CALL ME AGAIN. WHAT DO YOU WANT!?"

"Can you brush my teeth?" asked Mamoru.

Zoisite walked out of the room, stopping to slam his head on the wall on the way out.

Jadeite chased after him.

"HEY COME BACK!" yelled Mamoru. "I HATE THIS SHOW!"

Jadeite ran after Zoisite, so Zoisite knocked over the maid cart to slow him down and all the detergent fell out. Jadeite slipped and fell into Usagi's room.

"Ah! Glad you're here!" Usagi exclaimed. "Our TV's not working!"

Jadeite turned and fled. He tried to take shelter in Molly's room.

When he came in, Melvin was tied to the ceiling fan and Nephrite and Molly were making out.

"EWwwwwww!" said Jadeite, running away.

He ran through the lobby, but another customer walked in.

It was Haruka and Michiru. "I hope you don't mind if we play loud violin music, but I need to practice my loud violin music!" Michiru explained.

"GAAAAH!" screamed Jadeite, overwhelmed.

Jadeite tried to make it out the door, but he bumped into the Starlights who were standing in front of the only exit.

"Do you mind if we sing our loud songs, because we need sing our loud songs!"

Jadeite teleported back to Queen Beryl.

* * *

"Did you get energy?" Queen Beryl asked.

"I CAN'T GO ON!" he cried.

The other three Shitennou appeared as well.

"Nephrite! Why are you so flushed?" Queen Beryl demanded.

"Oh baby," was all he could get out.

"Zoisite! Why is your face all bruised? And why are you covered in pie? And why are you in a maid outfit?"

Zoisite blacked out.

"Kunzite! Why are you covered in pillow feathers?"

"Mamoru made me fluff his pillows! For TEN HOURS!"

"Wait, Mamoru's staying at the Inn?" she asked.

"Yeah..."

"In light of this recent development, I will spare your lives. But only under one condition. Tell me Mamoru Chiba's room number pls?"

They gave her the number and she teleported away. Just then, they heard a phone ring.

"Hey, can we get some room service up here?" Queen Beryl asked from Mamoru's room.

* * *

"Why are you here?" Mamoru asked Beryl.

"You're so dreamy when you don't like me!" Beryl replied dreamily.

The four Shitennou walked in. "What do you want?" they asked.

Queen Beryl perked up. "Can I have an endless supply of food? Also FLUFF MY PILLOWS!"

"My TV's not working!" Mamoru added.

"It's just unplugged," said Kunzite.

"Oh," said Mamoru.

Kunzite plugged it back in.

Mamoru unplugged it.

"My TV's not working!"

Kunzite shot a dark energy boomerang at Mamoru, who reflected it and killed him.

"I'M FREE!" cried Kunzite.

The phone rang again.

"Hey, it's Usagi-chan! There's still a mess in the hall outside my room! Can that one maid with the pie come clean this up?"

Zoisite did a weak attempt on Mamoru's life, getting slain by Beryl.

"I'M FREE!" cried Zoisite.

Nephrite teleported to Hell, while Jadeite collapsed.

FIN


	26. Jadeite Becomes A Homeowner

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"What!?" asked Queen Beryl. She had been texting. "I heard you the first time!"

"Oh. So I learned that the humans have this thing called a house..."

"Yes, and how do you plan to use those to steal energy?"

"Well, you see, Queen Beryl, it has come to my attention that I do not possess one of these 'houses.'"

"Yes, go on..."

"Why don't I have a house? Even filthy humans have house!" Jadeite cried.

"You must EARN a house! By stealing ENERGY!"

"How come Nephrite has a house, then?" Jadeite asked.

"He does? He must have built it himself. You gotta work on your magic, chump!" Beryl told him.

"WA!" cried Jadeite. "Where does one acquire a house?" he asked.

"By leaving me alone," Queen Beryl told him.

"But I don't think-"

Queen Beryl threw him out of the cave. He lay in the snow of the North Pole.

He wandered the arctic wilderness, searching for a home. He happened upon an igloo.

"Can I live here?" he asked the eskimos. The eskimos harpooned him and he fled.

Next he found a cave with polar bears. "Can I live-"

They started eating him, so he fled.

He then found a walrus colony. But the alpha walrus challenged him to a duel. He lost and he had to flee.

* * *

The other three Shitennou sat at their lunch table in the Nega Cafeteria.

"I love not being homeless," said Nephrite.

"Same," said Zoisite.

"Houses are the minimal requirement of being a respectable living creature," commented Kunzite.

Just then, Jadeite came in, all mopey.

"What's all the hub-bub, Jeddy?" asked Nephrite.

Jadeite left his meatloaf untouched and sat down pouting.

"So anyway," said Nephrite. "I'm going to remodel my house today!"

"That's cool, I guess," said Zoisite. "I'm just going to appreciate living in my house. Because I have one."

Jadeite let out a loud sigh, making the Shitennou remember that he was there.

"Hey Jadeite, where do you live?" asked Zoisite. "I've been to Nephrite's house many times, but I've never seen yours! After you lost that apartment, we kind of lost touch!"

Jadeite ran out crying.

"What's his beef?" said Kunzite.

"Maybe we should follow him," said Nephrite.

"Not today though, because we're having our not homeless party at our house. Wanna come?" said Zoisite.

"Why of course!" said Nephrite. "Because I'm not homeless!"

* * *

The next day, they followed Jadeite as he went through the portal to the human realm.

He exited and appeared outside of a portal behind the Dunkin Donuts. He sat down and began to sponge wash his only outfit.

The three Shitennou watched from behind the corner.

"What is he doing in this alley?" asked Kunzite.

"I don't know, it's a strange ritual or something," Nephrite inferred.

When he finished, Jadeite put back on his soaking outfit, and leaped into the dumpster. He closed the lid.

"Homeless sweet homeless," he sighed.

"Jadeite is homeless?" Zoisite gasped.

"No silly, he lives in a dumpster!" Nephrite explained.

"Aww, I almost feel bad for him," said Kunzite. "Almost..."

"We can't have one of our own living on the streets! We must help him!" decided Nephrite.

"I'm not letting him live with me!" Zoisite screamed.

"Well, neither am I!" cried Nephrite. "There's simply not room for both you and Jadeite eating my food and using my washing machine!"

"That settles it," said Kunzite. "We will find him a house.

"Hey, Jeddy," Nephrite said slowly, opening the dumpster.

Jadeite hissed. "THE LIGHT! IT BURNS!"

"Come on now, here kitty kitty kitty," Nephrite said.

But Jadeite took a chomp on Nephrite's extended hand.

"YOWZERS! It bit me!" cried Nephrite.

Jadeite made a break for it on all fours, but Kunzite caught him by the legs and dragged him back.

"What do you want!" Jadeite sobbed. "Come to mock me for living in a dumpster?"

"Yes," said Zoisite.

"Zoisite!" Nephrite scolded. "Jadeite, we're going to help you find a home."

"Me? A home?" Jadeite asked skeptically. "Impossible!"

"Anything's possible, when you have us helping you!" Nephrite reassured.

"But where could you possible find me a cheap home?" Jadeite asked.

"I have an idea!" said Zoisite. "He can move into my old home, that I abandoned to go live with Kunzite!"

"Really, are you sure?" asked Jadeite.

"Of course! Anything for my good pal!"

They teleported away to Zoisite's old house.

"Whelp, here it is! Casa de Zoisite!" Zoisite told him.

Jadeite looked at the broken down hot pink trailor.

"Are you sure this is an upgrade from the dumpster?" he asked.

"HEY!" Zoisite yelled. "Here, it looks better inside."

They went in. There were ten homeless squators living in there.

"Shoo!" demanded Zoisite, shooing them out. They all scattered.

Jadeite tripped on a knocked over refrigerator. "OOF!" he yelled, falling in something soft and sticky. It was a giant spider web!"

"YAAAAA!" screamed Jadeite. He struggled as much as he could, but he was stuck.

"I'll get you out!" cried Nephrite, shooting a giant energy blast and blowing up Jadeite. The web was unaffected.

A giant spider crawled towards him. "This is the end!" he cried.

Zoisite warped him two feet away, so he was no longer in the web. "You need to chill out," he said. "That's just Martin. His whole family lives here."

"How many other spiders are in his whole family?" Nephrite asked.

Red eyes glowed throughout the house. "A bunch!"

A huge tidal wave of spiders crashed down, seconds after they teleported outside.

Once outside, they heard gunshots.

"This seems like a bad neighborhood," said Jadeite.

"Of course! They don't call it Mafia Central for no reason," Zoisite told him.

"I think I'm going to have to keep my options open," Jadeite said, trying not to offend Zoisite.

"WHAT!? HOW DARE YE!" Zoisite tried to shove him back in the house, but Kunzite pulled him back. "BUT LOOK AT THIS SEXY HOT PINK PAINT I PUT ON!" cried Zoisite. "That took me like a week! You know you wanna live here!"

Jadeite just shook his head. "The kids from school will make fun of me!"

"They made fun of me too," said Zoisite, shrugging. "That's why I killed them."

"Yeah, we should get going," said Nephrite.

"No way! Wanna see where I buried the kids from school?"

They all teleported away, leaving Zoisite to reminisce his old casa.

"Good times... goooood times..."

Zoisite caught up to them in the teleportation stream.

"Ok, hold on," he tried again. "I'll bet you'll like my older house even better!"

"NOOOO PLEASE!" cried Jadeite. But Zoisite already teleported them.

"HEY!" yelled Nephrite. "THIS IS MY HOUSE!"

"I don't see your name on it!"

"OOO, this place looks nice!" Jadeite said. "I could stay here for a while."

"Hahahahah no no nonb on on on onn n no noon noooooooo," Nephrite said. "Let's try somewhere else."

* * *

"Wow, this place is comfy!" said Jadeite, checking out the apartment they were showing him.

"I could see myself crashing on this sofa!" he exclaimed. He laid down on it, getting settled in.

"So, want us to get you a moving van?" Kunzite asked.

"No, I don't own anything."

"Awww," said Nephrite.

Just then, the door swung open, and Mamoru Chiba walked in with groceries.

"HEY!" he cried. "WHY ARE YOU FOOLS IN MY HOUSE AGAIN!?"

"Oh hey Mams," they said. "We sold your apartment."

"Like hell you did!" he screamed, taking out a broom. He started beating them down. "Come on, shoo!" he said, pushing them out the door.

Before he could shove them out the door, they yelled "HAHA you can't throw us out, we already leave!" and teleported away.

Queen Beryl emerged from Mamoru's bedroom, just missing them.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!?" cried Mamoru.

"Oh, hey Mams," she said, taking a bag of groceries he had just put down and taking off.

"I really need a security system!" he complained.

* * *

"Ok, this actually does seem like a nice one, and I don't just say that about any home!" said Jadeite.

"Cool!" said the Shitennou, taking off.

"WAIT!" he cried. "Don't you wanna stay for my house warming party?"

But they were already gone.

"Home sweet home!" Jadeite cried happily, prancing around his brand new home. "Time to meet my neighbors! And this time they aren't just opossums!"

His neighbor, Mr. Tomoe, emerged from his house.

"Why, hello there," said Mr. Tomoe, covered in blood.

"HELP ME!" yelled a young girl from inside the house.

"Ummm, what was that?" asked Jadeite, nervous.

"Oh, just my daughter," said Mr. Tomoe. "Kids these days, amiright?"

"Um, yeah..." said Jadeite, slowly backing away.

He sat down on his couch. But the screaming only picked up.

"I FEEL EVIL!" the little girl cried. The light shot out from the windows. Then, the girls voice dropped into a woman's voice, who screamed, "I AM AWAKENING! THE SILENCE WILL PREVAIL IN ONLY A FEW MORE YEEEARS! BRING ME PURE HEARTSSSSSSSSS!"

"Come on!" yelled Jadeite. "It's 2 AM!"

Then, there was really loud laughter coming from a man. "HAHAHAHHAHAHAhAHA!"

"IT'S NOT FUNNY!" Jadeite yelled out his window.

"No! Give Hotaru back!" a pink haired girl screamed from outside at a floating red haired woman.

She flew away, hair whipping the little girl and laughing hysterically.

"YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH IT!" screamed female voices from inside.

"IT'S TOO LATE!" yelled the laughing man.

"I HAVE RISEN! THE MESSIAH OF SILENCE TAKES OVER NOOOOW!"

"Oh for Pete's sake!" screamed Jadeite. Jadeite put on his shoes and headed over there to give them a piece of his mind.

"DADDY!" screamed the little girl, then dropping back to the woman's voice who screamed, "YOUR DADDY WILL DIE!"

Jadeite climbed the stairs onto the front porch.

"ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, SAILOR MOON!?" screamed a deep girl's voice.

There was gagging and sobbing sounds.

Then there was a loud grumbling. "HURGNUGRH I'M PHAROAH 90!" the grumble grumbled.

"WHAT IS GOING ON IN THERE!?" screamed Jadeite, pounding on the door.

The red haired woman answered, "WE'RE BUSY!"

But she opened the door anyway. Before Jadeite could give her a piece of his mind, she was obliterated by a bright light.

"HEY! EXPLAIN YOURSELVES!" yelled Jadeite, barging in.

"NO! THE HOLY GRAIL IS GONE!" someone sobbed.

"I DON'T CARE!" screamed Jadeite. "IT'S TWO AM, THERE'S MORE IMPORTANT THINGS THAN YOUR HOLY WHATEVER!"

Jadeite stormed through the house, reaching a strange lab.

"Hmm, this house looked smaller from the outside," he noted.

"GIVE CHIBIUSA'S PURE HEART BACK!"

"NEVER! OMNOMNOM!" cried the crazy lady.

Jadeite finally spotted a woman having a wild internal conflict.

He saw Sailor Moon sobbing, along with her sailor friends pinned to a wall.

"I WILL TAKE OUT PHAROAH 90!" Sailor Saturn yelled, jumping into the scribbly blob.

"SO THAT'S THE GUY CAUSING ALL THIS RUCUS!" Jadeite yelled, following Sailor Saturn and leaping into the blob.

"IT'S 2 AAAAAAMMMMMMMM!" he cried as he battled the blob alongside Sailor Moon and Saturn.

But he got in the way of the Sailors' punches, and they lost to the blob.

Pharoah 90 yelled, "URNGURNNGUGU!" and spread the silence throughout the world. Everyone was turned into a statue.

"Finally, some peace and quiet!" yelled Jadeite. He hopped out of the blob, a job well done.

But when he emerged, he was a newborn child. "Ga ga goo goo?" he asked.

FIN


	27. The Shitennou Finish What They Started

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Lovely, because we've been getting crystals for the past like twenty episodes," said Queen Beryl. "Your energy sources are useless to us now!"

"Gee, thanks!" said Jadeite, quite flattered. He murmured to himself, "What a relief! I didn't even have a new source of energy!"

"Where's that dimwhit Zoisite?" asked Queen Beryl.

Kunzite and Nephrite appeared.

"I SAID," said Queen Beryl. "WHERE'S ZOISITE!?"

Zoisite appeared, panting. "Sorry I'm late, Beryl! I got caught in traffic!"

"Traffic? Didn't you teleport here?"

"Alright, ya got me. I was just scamming Mamoru Chiba out of some Rice Crispie Treats."

"WTF, and you didn't bring me any?"

"I'm sorry, my queen. I ate them on the way here. That's why I was late."

"ANYWAY," said Beryl. "We have three of the rainbow crystals. The Sailors & Co. have the other two. You know how many more we need to get into our possession, right?"

There was an awkward silence.

"Wait, you want me to answer that? It wasn't just rhetorical?" asked Zoisite.

"Yes. I want you to tell me how many crystals we need."

"Can you not do simple math, Queen Beryl?" asked Zoisite.

"I can do simple math, I want to make sure you can!" screamed Beryl.

"Sounds to me like you're trying to cheat some math answers off me. Was this your homework problem?"

"ANSWER THE PROBLEM OR DIE, YOU DISOBEDIENT NERD!" Queen Beryl yelled.

Zoisite began desperately counting on his fingers, but got confused.

"Kunzite, tag in!" he cried.

"Uhhhhhm," said Kunzite, also desperately trying to count on his fingers.

Nephrite laughed. "Can you guys seriously not subtract from seven?"

"You think it's so easy," said Zoisite, "Why don't you do it?"

"Well ya see..."

"Can't anyone in here do simple subtraction?!" Beryl cried. "Didn't you fools take basic high school algebra?"

They all looked away, ashamed.

"DID YOU FOOLS EVEN GRADUATE HIGH SCHOOL!?"

They all looked away, ashamed.

"This is unacceptable!" Beryl scolded. "My subordinates must at least have a high school education!"

"But Queen Beryl!" objected Jadeite. "I was in high school when I joined the Negaverse, but there was no time to study! We had to take over the world ASAP!"

"Don't lie to me, you slacker!"

"Me?!" cried Jadeite. "A slacker?!"

"ME?! A SLACKER!?" Queen Beryl mocked.

Jadeite was sad.

"Don't come back until you get high school degrees!" Beryl yelled, throwing them out into the arctic.

"Why does she always do this?" complained Nephrite.

* * *

They showed up at the high school.

"We would like to register for high school," said Kunzite.

"Alright," said the guidance counselor, impatiently. "What are your names?"

"J. Dite," said Jadeite.

"Maxfield Stanton," said Nephrite.

"And how about you, young lady?" asked the counselor.

"Zoisite."

"What's your last name, Soyzite?"

"...My last name?"

"Your last name."

"Umm," said Zoisite. "What's a human last name I could use?" he asked the others.

"Stanton," said Maxfield.

"Alright, Stanton."

"Aww, I knew you guys looked like siblings!" said the counselor.

"WAIT NO-" cried Zoisite.

"And I am Kool Dude McGee," said Kunzite.

"Very well," said the counselor.

"But you can call me K.D."

"I'll remember that," said the guidance lady apathetically. "How old are you kids?"

"1026."

"14."

"Is this the test?!"

"19."

"28."

"37."

"Stop saying numbers," said the counselor. "Alright, so you'll have to take the high school placement exam..."

"Why?" objected Kunzite. "Can't you tell I'm old enough to just get into high school?"

"No. No adult would dye their hair such a ridiculous color."

Kunzite charged up a laster beam, but Zoisite stopped him. "He's not worth it!"

* * *

It was the day of the test. They didn't really study. Their practice books were untouched.

The tests were handed out.

Kunzite read the first question. "Billy Joe has three apples. Billy Joe's enemies have two apples. There are seven total apples. How many more apples must Billy Joe collect to not be slaughtered by Queen Beryl?"

Kunzite closed his test book, and got up.

"This test is below me," he said, walking out the door.

There was silence, but then Kunzite poked his head back in. "I AM LORD KOOL DUDE! CHECK OUT ME CAPE!"

"SILENCE!" yelled the instructor, banishing him.

The others continued their test.

Nephrite began talking during the test. "Everything is ruled by the stars. Stars, what is the answer to number 1? How many apples does Billy Joe need?"

The stars held up two fingers.

"Sweet!" he yelled.

"Hey!" yelled the teacher. "Is that some sort of cheating device?"

"What?" he cried. "No! That's just the stars."

"I'm going to have to confiscate that until the end of the test."

The teacher put the stars in his desk drawer. Nephrite was at a loss.

* * *

Zoisite sent Nephrite a telepathic message to his mind.

"Hey man, what's the answer to number three? I've narrowed it down to either C or A, what did you put?"

"Go away," Nephrite mentally replied. "Stay out of my head!"

"TELL ME THE ANSWER!"

"NO! THAT'S CHEATING!" Nephrite thought back loudly.

"But no one has to know!" whined Zoisite in his mind.

"It's the principle of the thing!"

"Grrr..." said Zoisite out loud. "HEY JADEITE!" he sent out telepathically. "WHAT DID YOU GET FOR NUMBER THREE?"

"Who said that?" yelled the instructor. "Who's in my head?"

"Shit," said Zoisite. "I must have misfired."

"The voices are acting up again!" the teacher started crying. "I DON'T WANNA GO BACK TO THE FUNNY FARM!"

"Zoisite, stop doing that!" Nephrite whispered loudly.

"Then tell me the answers!" he whispered back, as the teacher ran around spazzing.

"NO!"

Zoisite tried to grab his paper. Nephrite slugged him. They tackled each other to the floor and wrestled it out.

Meanwhile, Jadeite worked diligently.

The teacher seemed to have overcome her mental battle, and turned back to the class.

Zoisite and Nephrite jumped in their seats hastily.

"Mr. and Ms. Stanton! Cut it out!" yelled the teacher. "This isn't the time for sibling squabbles!"

Nephrite tried to resume his test.

"OOOLOOOLOOO!" Zoisite yelled in his head. "IF I CAN'T PASS THIS, NO ONE CAN!"

"STOP IT!" he screamed out loud, in the silent room.

"Maxfield, do we have a problem?"

"No," said Maxfield, furiously.

As he talked it out with the teacher, Zoisite made another go at looking at his answers. He got a quick glimpse of Nephrite's blank paper, before getting shoved by him to the floor.

"Hey!" he yelled, shooting fire. Nephrite dodged, and it burnt Jadeite's paper.

"NO!" Jadeite cried. "I was almost finished my persuasive essay!"

"Mr. Dite!" cried the teacher, looking at the burnt scraps of paper. "You have done nothing all hour! You'll never pass!"

"THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE WRONG!" Jadeite yelled passionately. He tried to piece it back together, but it crumpled to ashes. Jadeite started to cry.

The teacher just rubbed her head, and gave him the next section. "Start on the history essay," she told him.

"Oh boy, eZ!" Jadeite exclaimed. "I've been around for all recorded history! This'll make up for my lack of the first three sections of this test!"

He wrote an epic essay on the great Moon Kingdom raid of 1812 B.C., and turned in his paper.

Meanwhile, Nephrite and Zoisite had teamed up out of desperation, and were still arguing if number 3 was A or C.

"But Nephrite!" Zoisite exclaimed mentally. "Two plus two is clearly five!"

"No, it's not!" Nephrite screamed (telepathically.) "It's six!"

"WHERE ARE YOU GETTING THAT?!"

"Look at my long division, you clearly get six!"

"But my factoring has brought it to a solid 5.33333333, which I rounded to five."

"When in doubt, 'C' it out!" Nephrite exclaimed.

"Times up!" yelled the teacher.

"Did you put down five?" asked Zoisite.

"I left it blank," said Nephrite.

The instructor scanned their papers for one second, and threw them out.

Nephrite and Zoisite gasped.

Then she read Jadeite's. "What is this gibberish?"

"A perfect historical account!" Jadeite explained. "I know! I was there!"

"Don't sass me! Everyone knows there can't be life on the Moon!"

"Well there was! I saw it!"

"No!" said the teacher. "You need oxygen to survive!"

"Not when you have magic!"

"That's enough!" said the teacher, tearing up Jadeite's memoir/masterpiece.

They all left the room.

"I think we did pretty well," said Zoisite.

"Yeah," said Nephrite. "eZ A."

Jadeite just pouted.

* * *

They all gathered at the board to look at their grades with all the other students who had taken the high school placement test.

"Oh boy, a 30!" cried Usagi Tsukino.

"Oh boy, a 31!" cried Minako Aino.

"Suck it, Mina!" said Usagi.

Zoisite couldn't find his name for the longest time. Then he remembered to look under Stanton.

"Ha!" he yelled. "I beat you, Nephrite!"

"...No you didn't. You got a 12."

"Yeah, but you got a 13!"

"That's higher than a 12."

"I don't think so," Zoisite argued.

"Yes it is!" Nephrite said back. "If I have 13 apples, and you have 12 apples-"

"Shut up," said Zoisite.

"Where am I?" asked Jadeite. "I looked under Jade Ite, and Jedo, but I couldn't find it! Does anyone remember what alias I used?"

"No," answered Kunzite.

"Kunzite!" cried Zoisite. "You got a 0!"

"So?"

"So, you got put in special needs tutoring with us!"

"Wait, I found mine!" said Jadeite. "A SEVEN!?"

Everyone laughed.

"Hey, I still did better than you, 'K.D.'"

"I didn't try!"

"Exactly! eZ gg rekt kid!" J. Dite told him.

* * *

"Today, kids," said the teacher. "We're going to learn about the letter 'B'"

"Wow, this is a fast paced class," said Seiya.

"Yeah, we're going to have to study hard for this one!" agreed Jadeite.

"Ok, time for some math!" said the instructor.

"BOO!" said Usagi. Mina joined in. "BOOOOOOOO!"

Nephrite sighed. "Those girls are almost as annoying as the Sailor Scouts."

"Alrighty, class, so if we have three rainbow crystals..." the teacher went on.

Zoisite passed a note to Nephrite. "Maxfield Stanton = gayboy," it said, and it had a crudely drawn picture of Nephrite.

"Hey!" said Nephrite.

"HEY!" yelled the teacher. "If you're going to be passing notes, why don't you come read that in front of the class?"

Kunzite just sobbed quietly at being stuck in this class.

"I'd rather not," said Nephrite.

"GET UP HERE!"

He sighed. "Maxfield = gayboy."

"Thanks for sharing," said the teacher. "I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to tell us this information. Now sit down, clown."

Kunzite raised his hand. "Can I talk to you outside?"

"No. Speak now."

"Alright... I believe I have been placed in the wrong class. I'm a Lord, and I have a cape. I don't belong here."

"I agree," said the teacher. "This class is way too rigorous for you. Go across the street to the Pre-K!"

"URRRRRRRRRRRRGH!"

FIN


	28. Kunzite's Redemption

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"What is it, Jadeite?" asked Queen Beryl.

"The humans call them arcade tickets. They can be won at this place called Crown Arcade. They are only valued at one cent a piece, but you must pay 25 cents to win four of them!"

"That sounds like a scam!" yelled Beryl.

"No, because if you win like 500+ you can get a dollar store prize!"

"Oooooh, a dollar store prize!" Queen Beryl exclaimed. "I've always wanted one of those!"

"Same!" responded Jadeite.

"It's settled. I command you and the other three Shitennou to win as many of these 'arcade tickets' as you can!"

"Aww, neato!" said Jadeite.

Queen Beryl spawned a giant dollar to quarter converter machine, and put a hundred bill in. It shot out a ton of quarters that the Shitennou grovelled to pick up.

* * *

They walked into the arcade, and the first thing they spotted was the prize counter.

"OH BOY I WANT THAT TEMPORARY TATTOO OF A LEPRECHAUN!" Jadeite exclaimed.

"I WANT THAT STAR STICKER!" said Nephrite.

"I WANT THOSE BATTERIES!" Zoisite shouted.

"I WANT THAT 200,000 TICKET HAIR DRYER!" Kunzite cried gleefully.

"Woah, slow down there," said Zoisite. "We still need tickets for Queen Beryl."

"Nah let's just get her that Chinese finger trap, and she'll be satisfied," decided Kunzite.

They all scrambled to start winning tickets.

Jadeite walked up to the claw machine. He put in a ten dollar bill.

"Time to take home some loot!" Jadeite exclaimed.

He spotted a Queen Beryl plushie, and went for it. He dropped the claw directly on top of it, but it swung wildly and picked up a Tuxedo Mask.

"Eww, I hate that guy!" said Jadeite, throwing it backwards behind him.

He tried again, with the same results. "This thing is rigged!" he cried, when a Sailor Mercury came out.

Meanwhile, Zoisite tried his hand at the Sailor V video game. When it started, he jumped into a monster and killed Sailor V.

"Yay I win!" he said happily.

But the machine only shot out one ticket.

"WHAT!? BUT THAT WAS LIKE RECORD TIME!" He walked over to the worker to complain.

"That's strange that you did really good and only got one ticket," said Andrew. "Try again, so I can see why it's happening."

"Ok!" said Zoisite, making Sailor V jump off a cliff.

"Well, you're only getting one ticket because you're losing! Sailor V is supposed to beat the monsters, not die to them!" Andrew explained.

"But Sailor V suuuuuuuuucks!"

"No," said Andrew.

"HOW DO YOU KNOW?! SHe'S A TOTAL CHEater!" Zoisite whined.

"No," said Andrew.

Zoisite stabbed Andrew.

"Whyyyyyyyyyy!?" cried Andrew, laying on the floor in pain. "I'll be waiting for you, Rita!" he cried as he died.

* * *

Somewhere in Africa, Rita learned of his death, and said, "Oh look, now I can come back to Tokyo!"

* * *

Nephrite was playing the racing game.

"THIS STEERING IS TRASH COMPARED TO MY CAR!" he yelled, as he ran some toddlers off the road.

"EAT MY DUST LITTLE BABIES!" he yelled.

The kids started sobbing.

"CRY ALL YOU WANT, IT WON'T MAKE YOU GOOD!"

Their mom walked over.

"Hey! You're a grown man! Stop being rude to my kids!"

"I wouldn't be rude to them, if they weren't garbage!" he told her.

She slapped him.

Nephrite charged up a blast. The lady socked him again, before he could fire.

He lay on the ground, begging for mercy.

But the lady kicked him, and he went flying and fell through a basketball hoop.

He got slam dunked through the hoop of the game Kunzite was playing, giving him the winning point over the teenager he was dueling.

"HAHAHAH GET REKT TEENAGER!" Kunzite said, taking his four tickets and moving on. The teenager also got four tickets.

Nephrite, meanwhile, was pulled into the bin of the machine where the balls were held. He was trapped. Half his body was stuck inside the machine. "WaaaaAAAAaaa!" he wailed.

Kunzite noticed a game where buttons lit up, and you were supposed to stomp on them when they were lit.

"I shall conquer Stomp-a-mole!" he declared, reading the game's title.

He picked his difficulty, Super Mega Hard mode, and the game began.

He stood there with his arms crossed, smirking. "This'll be too easy!"

The first button lit up, and he stomped it with ease. But then every button lit up at once, and instantly unlit. The game went into total chaos, and he scrambled across the board, barely hitting any. He finally tripped himself up and fell.

A bunch of three year olds laughed at him.

"WAaaaAAAAaa! I am Lord KUUUUNZITE! I DO NOT LOSE TO ANYONE, ESPECIALLY THIS 'STOMP-A-MOLE!'"

He put another quarter in. "I just didn't know how to play that first time," he reasoned.

He put it on Super Mega Hard again. This time, he didn't even get a chance to step on the board before the game was over.

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWRFF!" he cried. He put in a twenty.

* * *

Jadeite looked over at his pile of Sailor and Tuxedo Mask toys and wept. There was only one toy left in the machine now, and that was the Beryl.

He put in his last quarter, and the crane landed on it. It lifted up the Beryl, and brought it to the drop chute. But then it dropped it on the edge of the drop shoot, and it got stuck.

"NOOOOOOO!" wailed Jadeite. He started slamming his body into the machine, but this only caused the toy to get more stuck. Finally, it fell over on the wrong side, getting too close to the edge so it could never be reached.

He decided to try and climb up into the machine. He crawled in through the small prize door, and got stuck.

"WaaaAAAAAaaaaaAAAA!" he cried.

Zoisite walked over, laughing. "What are you doing, dummy?"

"I was trying to save Beryl from this claw machine and some grubby kid's unworthy paws!"

"That looks easy," said Zoisite. "I'll get it for you."

He put in a quarter. He picked up the Beryl with ease, and dropped it in the chute. But it bounced off Jadeite's head.

"NO!" cried Jadeite.

"eZ!" said Zoisite. "Now if your fat head wasn't in the way, I would have won it!"

"Then help me out of here!" cried Jadeite.

"Ok," said Zoisite, putting in another quarter.

He dropped the claw on Jadeite, picking him up by the face, and pulling him up into the full machine.

"Yay! I got it!" said Jadeite, picking up the toy. "Ok, now get us outta here!"

"Oh look, I'm out of quarters," said Zoisite, walking away.

"NOOOO WAIT! Get the employee!"

"Sorry, he's dead now."

Zoisite noticed Jadeite's toy pile, and took a Tuxedo Mask off the top.

"Why are you taking that?" asked Jadeite.

"TO BUUUUUUURN!" Zoisite shouted, leaving.

Jadeite wept out of loneliness.

But then, Kunzite came up.

"I need your assistance," he said to Jadeite.

"THEN HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALP!"

"You know you can teleport, right?" asked Kunzite.

"..."

Jadeite teleported out.

"Shoot, I left the Beryl in there!"

Kunzite dragged him to the Stomp-a-mole. "Now wait here."

He walked over to the basketball hoop.

"Hrrngahrrnga!" Nephrite mumbled.

Kunzite leaned in, and whispered "Teleport."

"Oh yeah, heh heh," Nephrite said, embarrassed.

He teleported out and also got dragged to Stomp-a-mole.

Zoisite was already over there. "I heard there was a party."

"Alright, friends," said Kunzite. "I have gathered you here to help me take on our greatest foe yet."

"Where is he?" asked Jadeite.

"He is no he at all. Nor is he a she. He is this Stomp-a-mole."

They all burst into laughter.

"HEY! It's harder than it looks," Kunzite remarked. "Now listen. I have separated these eight butons into four quadrants. Jadeite shall get Quadrant A. Nephrite, Quadrant B is yours. Quadrant C goes to Zoisite. And yours truly will take Quadrant D, the middle. Each quadrant consists of two buttons, Button 1 and Button 2, for each foot. Your missions shall be to stomp them when they light up. Understand?"

"I won't let ya down!" promised Zoisite.

"What's in this for me?" asked Nephrite.

"I saved you from sure death in that basketball machine. You owe me one."

"What's in this for me?" asked Jadeite.

"I saved you from sure death in that claw machine. You owe me one."

Kunzite put in the quarter.

They were actually doing somewhat well with their buttons.

But then Jadeite tripped, because he confused Button 1 and Button 2, and fell into Zoisite.

"Get off me!" yelled Zoisite, throwing Jadeite into Nephrite and Kunzite.

They all toppled over, one button short of winning the jackpot.

"DAMMIT! Let's go again!" said Kunzite.

They went again. This time, Nephrite missed one button.

"Nephrite, you're the worst Shitennou," scolded Kunzite.

They went again. Zoisite got distracted because he thought he saw the Sailor Scouts, but it was just Usagi Tsukino & Co.

They kept trying and trying. They were getting weary.

Nephrite was sweating, "I don't know how much longer I can keep it up!"

"MOVE IT YA SLACKER!" raged Kunzite, missing a button.

The more they tried, the worse they were doing.

"Ok guys, we need to regroup," said Kunzite, calling off their floundering.

Jadeite passed out.

"Now, we need to realize what is at stake here. The fate of the universe, nay, the multiverse, depends on us conquering this machine. So get your acts together, and let's make next time the best time!"

They were all inspired by Kunzite's speech. Jadeite crawled to his feet, and Kunzite put in another quarter.

This time, they were doing it. They had memorized all seven patterns, and knew exactly when the buttons would light up. Just as they were about to tap the last of the one hundred lit up buttons, Kunzite got shot in the hands with a Venus Crescent Beam.

"WAHT!?" cried Kunzite, recoiling in pain and defeat. "WHYYYY!"

"Oopsie," said Venus, "I was just mad because I lost the Sailor V game!"

But when Usagi turned to see who got shot, she realized it was the Negaverse!

"Hey!" she said. "How dare you cheat at an arcade game, by using four people for a one person game! I will punish you!"

"And just how will you do that, human girl?" challenged Kunzite.

"Oh yeah, I forgot to transform," she said, embarrassed. "Hey, look, a new source of energy!"

"WHERE?!" Jadeite cried, knocking over the rest of them looking for the new source of energy.

While they were distracted, Sailor Moon transformed.

"Moon Tiara Action!" she yelled, hitting them all with the tiara since they were all piled on the Stomp-a-mole game.

The game exploded, leaving Kunzite with no chance at redemption.

"We won't forget this!" they yelled, teleporting away.

"That was weird," said Venus. "They could have totally beaten us, since there were four of them and only two of us."

"Oh well, we'll rekt them some other time," said Sailor Moon. "Wanna go play racing?"

"BOY DO I!"

* * *

The Shitennou knelt before Queen Beryl.

"I'm very disappointed in you bozos," Queen Beryl chided.

"You have only presented me with 10 tickets, and you were there all day. All I can get with that is a single Jolly Rancher."

"Actually, my Queen," corrected Kunzite. "Jolly Ranchers are 30 tickets."

"GAAAAAHHHHHH!" cried Beryl. "I'm going to kill you all!"

"Wait!" said Jadeite, thinking fast and presenting the Queen with the only thing he was able to win. "Here's a Tuxedo Mask plushie!"

"OH BABY!" cried Queen Beryl. "LOOK AT THIS HUNKSTER, I LOVE IT!"

"So you'll spare us?" Jadeite asked hopefully.

"Maybe."

FIN


	29. The Great Fro-Yo Fiasco

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

There was no response, so he took it as a go ahead.

"So the humans have these things called Fro-Yo bars. I have scouted out a good one, based on this 50% off coupon, that we can overthrow and use as an energy snatching hub. So whattya say?"

There was still no response.

"Aww, come on," Jadeite whined. "It was a good plan! I've had worse, like that gym one! I can't believe morons fell for that! The energy snatching pods weren't even disguised!"

But Queen Beryl still didn't respond. Jadeite hung his head and left the room.

The cardboard cut-out that Queen Beryl left to keep Jadeite at bay fell over with a thud once he had left the room.

* * *

Jadeite took his seat in the Nega-cafeteria.

"No, this is the cool kids table!" said Kunzite, shunning him.

Jadeite started to cry.

"Naw, I was just joshing ya, J-man," said Kunzite. "We cool."

"You're not hip," said Zoisite.

"Suck it, Zoisite!" yelled Kunzite.

"Right here at the table? Ok!" said Zoisite.

"NO! PLEASE! NOT AGAIN!" cried Nephrite.

"So guys, do you ever feel like Queen Beryl doesn't appreciate you?" Jadeite asked.

"Not at all!" cried Nephrite, defensively, looking up at the camera Queen Beryl had on them.

"Queen Beryl loves us all!" added Kunzite, staring directly into the camera.

"She is the greatest," Zoisite joined in.

"Nobody understands me," Jadeite sighed.

"Aww, what's the prob, Jeddy?" asked Nephrite.

"I just have this 50% off Fro-Yo coupon that I was gonna use to steal energy."

"Your plans are getting wilder and wilder," commented Zoisite.

"Ikr," agreed Jadeite.

"Well, we could still use the coupon," suggested Kunzite.

"Yeah," said Jadeite, "But it only takes 50% off, and I have no money to afford the other 50%."

Kunzite just shrugged. "I'll cover it."

"Wow Kunzite, you're so generous!" Zoisite complimented.

"Hey, I could afford to pay for it all too," said Nephrite.

"Then why don't you?" Kunzite asked.

"Well I can't just be spending my hard earned magical money all willy nilly," Nephrite said, backing out. "Some people have this thing called economic awareness."

"Then let's go!" Jadeite said, filled with joy. They teleported to the Fro-Yo bar.

* * *

They appeared at Yo Mama's Yogurt.

"So how does this work?" asked Nephrite.

"You just take a cup, and shove as much in it as you can!" explained Jadeite.

"No no no," said Kunzite. "It's measured by weight!"

"Ohhhhh," said Jadeite. "So you pick the heaviest toppings! PACK IT IN THERE!"

"Sounds like fun!" said the others, running off to fill up their yogurts while Kunzite felt a sharp pain in his wallet.

Jadeite ran over to the toppings, without getting any yogurt, and started shoveling in M & M's.

"What are you doing?" Zoisite asked. "You forgot the yogurt."

"No no no," explained Jadeite. "I'm going to have layers, so I can navigate it properly. First layer is M & M's, then strawberry non-fat froyo, then comes the gummy bears, then strawberry low-fat froyo, then comes chocolate froyo, then on top of that is oreo crumbs, and THAT'S when I bust out the real ingredients..."

Zoisite walked away.

"Woah, I've never seen so many toppings in one place!" Nephrite exclaimed, stars forming in his eyes.

"Hey," challenged Zoisite. "I bet I can put more toppings in than you!"

"You're on, scrub!" said Nephrite.

They began shoveling in sprinkles by the scoop.

"Woah woah, slow down there!" Kunzite tried, but Nephrite knocked him over as he ran for the Captain Crunch.

Jadeite was still writing out the map of his yogurt. By this point, he had three yogurt cups stacked on top of each other, and all the layers were color coded.

"Alright, here's where the stale pieces of cone go... oh no! But that leaves no room for the full strawberries! Wait, false alarm, I'll just add a new cup and put them in layer D6."

Nephrite overheard Jadeite and liked the idea of putting in full strawberries. But why stop there? He started putting in full bananas too, and a full pineapple!

"Dammit!" cried Zoisite, realizing he was falling behind, since Nephrite took the only pineapple. He began shoveling the yogurt out of his cup so he could fit more toppings.

He melted all the chocolate ingredients so more could fit in, and also smashed the fruity pebbles, sprinkling the crumbs throughout. "Hahaha, Nephrite doesn't stand a chance against my brilliance!"

Nephrite spotted a 5 pound gummy frog. Zoisite spotted it too.

They both dashed for it, bumping Jadeite and almost knocked over his 6 story yogurt.

Zoisite realized he was falling behind, so he grabbed the hot fudge and squirted it in Nephrite's face.

"AHHH IT BURNS!" he cried, doubling over in pain. Zoisite made a mad dash past him, almost reaching the frog.

Until Jadeite grabbed it. But Zoisite wouldn't have it.

He snatched a nearby scoop and started stealing Jadeite's toppings.

"NOOOOO! YOU'RE MAKING IT DISORGANIZED!" he cried. "HOW WILL I EVER FIND THE BUTTERFINGER CRUMBLE LAYER!"

Meanwhile, Nephrite had recovered, and he too began stealing Jadeite's toppings.

"MY MAAAAAP! NO! The vanilla non-fat and the vanilla low-fat can't touch! It'll be too confusing! I won't be able to sample them each separately!"

Just then, they reached the gummy frog Jadeite had stashed in layer 8C.

Zoisite reached for it, but Nephrite dropped candy rocks on his hands.

"OWWW NUUUU!" cried Zoisite. "That was supposed to be my gummy frog!"

Nephrite shoved the frog to the bottom of his cup so Zoisite couldn't find it. He slid the cup across the counter with all the sauces, running alongside and pushing all the sauces in. The frog was thus buried in toppings, and unrecovable.

Zoisite threw his yogurt down in fury, and it splattered all over the floor. "IF I CAN'T HAVE THAT FROG, THEN JADEITE CAN'T HAVE ANY POUND CAKE!"

"What?!" cried Jadeite.

Zoisite grabbed a new cup, and poured the entirety of the pound cake bin in, so there was not a single crumb left for Jadeite. He then topped the pound cake with hot fudge, marshmallow fluff, strawberry syrup, and carmel, so it dissolved completely. He grabbed handfuls of mixed toppings and shovelled them in.

"WHY ZOISITE WHY!? NOW WHAT SHALL I PUT IN LAYER B4?! Oh look, I suppose I could substitute it with strawberry short- NOOOOOO!"

"MINE!" yelled Nephrite and Zoisite.

* * *

Meanwhile Kunzite grabbed his cup. He measured out four ounces of non-fat vanilla froyo, and walked over to the toppings.

"Hmm," he thought out loud. "I guess I'll be frivalous today!"

He topped it with a single chocolate sprinkle and one dab of whipped cream.

"Done!"

* * *

Nephrite began guzzling the butterscotch so Zoisite couldn't have any.

Meanwhile, Jadeite was trying to balance out his tower of toppings and yogurt, recovering from the damages to his map and attempting to sort out the dichotomy.

Zoisite grabbed the bucket of nerds and threw them at Nephrite.

"GAH! THEY GOT IN MY SHIRT!" Nephrite screamed. He grabbed Zoisite and shoved him under the chocolate yogurt machine, turning it on.

"AAAAAAAAA!" Zoisite cried. "This is regular yogurt, not non-fat! THE CALORIES!"

Nephrite swapped out Zoisite's yogurt cup with his, while Zoisite drowned in yogurt.

"Hahahha, Zoisite had more toppings than me, but they're mine now!"

"I SAW THAT!" screamed Zoisite.

Nephrite made a mad dash to the check out counter.

Zoisite followed suit, throwing more toppings in as he ran after Nephrite.

Jadeite slowly approached the counter, careful not to tip over his yogurt pyramid.

* * *

Kunzite layed his yogurt down on the scale.

"Four ounces, $3.00 exactly," he applauded himself. "Another job well done."

He pulled out the three dollars to pay, when the employee stopped him.

"Aren't you going to add your friends' cups onto the order?"

He turned around, as Nephrite pushed his cup in a wheelbarrel, Zoisite brought his in on a forklift, and Jadeite had a staff of twenty carrying his over. Kunzite's eyes grew wide with horror.

They struggled to put theirs on the scale, instantly breaking it.

"That will be $687.00," said the employee.

"WHAT!?" Kunzite sobbed, falling to the ground in agony. "Yogurt can't cost that much!" he wailed.

"No, but that scale was expensive!" said the worker.

"Don't worry, Kunzite!" Jadeite said merrily, handing him a hankerchief and patting him on he shoulder. "We still have my 50% off coupon!"

He handed Kunzite the coupon.

"Jadeite, you twit!" said Kunzite. "This isn't 50 percent off, this is 50 cents off!"

"Oops, my bad," said Jadeite, taking his yogurt and digging in.

Kunzite payed the 686.50 while tears dripped down his face.

"You know, I actually just ate," said Zoisite, going to throw out his yogurt.

"Same, I wasn't really hungry," said Nephrite.

"OH NO YOU DON'T!" Kunzite growled. "YOU'RE GOING TO SIT DOWN AND EAT ALL THAT YOGURT!"

"That's the thing though," said Zoisite. "There's not actually any yogurt in here... At least I don't think so..."

"I DON'T CARE!" Kunzite scolded.

Zoisite pouted, and Nephrite looked defeated.

Kunzite glared at Nephrite as the latter hesitantly rose the spoon to his face.

He took a nibble. "Eww, this is awful!" exclaimed Nephrite.

"Nope!" said Kunzite. "You're going to eat every last drop."

Nephrite put the full spoonful of just toppings in his mouth, and began crunching really loudly. Kunzite continued to glare at him, shaking his head. Tears formed on the corners of Nephrite's eyes, and he began sob, as he continued to chew his mouthful of toppings.

"These gummy bears are rock solid!" he cried. "And this Captain Crunch tastes like it's been in there for twelve years!"

Zoisite too tried to eat his frozen yogurt. "These pieces of cone have been here since the Silver Millennium!" he whined. He spit out pieces of rubble from the Moon Kingdom.

"WHY DID I PUT JOLLY RANCHERS IN HERE?!" Jadeite sulked. "Now I have to sit and watch the yogurt melt as I slowly suck on them.

"OH GAWD!" cried Nephrite. "Why did I put gum in here!? Every mouthful I have to spit out chicklettes, and pomegranate seeds! This is becoming more of a challenge than a pleasure!"

"OH GAWD!" sobbed Jadeite. "I JUST REACHED THE JAWBREAKER LEVEL! I CAN'T EVEN FIT THIS IN MY MOUTH!"

"Rmmmmrhrmmrmr," Zoisite tried to complain.

"What?" asked Kunzite.

He pulled out a piece of paper and started writing. "My mouth is glued shut from ten year old Sour Patch kids!"

"These whole strawberries are so sour!" Jadeite coughed. He peeled his whole banana and started eating that. "It's so ripe!"

Nephrite continued to spit out gum, and he tried to be sly and spit out one of the Jolly Ranchers.

"Hey, is that a Jolly Rancher?!" Kunzite asked, catching him.

"Nrrrrrr!" Nephrite said, shaking his head and trying again to spit out the Jolly Rancher. But Kunzite put a dark energy barrier on the trash can so no one could throw anything out.

"This is so dry without any yogurt," Zoisite moped, finally able to speak again. "Maybe I shouldn't have scooped it all out!"

"How will I eat this ten pound weight!?" Nephrite wailed.

Jadeite looked at him. "You put a ten pound weight in your yogurt?"

"I let the competition get the best of me," he admitted, glumly.

Zoisite began to look to Kunzite desperately. "Cut me some slack, come on!"

"Alright, you guys can stop now," said Kunzite finally, sickened by them eating their melted yogurt and moldy toppings.

Zoisite passed out. Nephrite threw up.

Jadeite wiped his mouth and said, "Thanks for the yogurt, Kunzite!"

* * *

They returned to Queen Beryl's lair.

"Why are you three so fat?" asked Queen Beryl.

Zoisite just sobbed, still choking on Sour Patch kids.

"I bet you fools went behind my back and got fro-yo!" Queen Beryl deduced.

"Uhhhh..." said Kunzite.

"I hope you brought me some!"

"Of course!" said Jadeite, handing her over a bowl of their left over garbage AKA toppings.

"MMMM, I love one thousand year old cone pieces and rock hard cheerios!" she said enthusiastically. "I especially love the Moon Kingdom rubble! OMNOMNOMNOM!"

Kunzite went bankrupt and had to sell his castle. He and Zoisite moved into a dumpster next door to Jadeite's.

"I love having friends!" Jadeite would sing every morning to his new neighbors.

FIN


	30. Medite

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

Queen Beryl sighed loudly. "Do you think people will miss me when I'm gone?"

"Aww, what's got you down in the dumps, my Queen?" asked Jadeite.

"Oh, just the usual. Incompetent lackies, an unappreciative boss. Sometimes I feel like my life is going nowhere."

"But Queen Beryl! You're important to me!"

"Oh, great!" Queen Beryl groaned. "Now I feel complete! Knowing that Jadeite, the worst of the four, cares about me! HOW WONDERFUL!"

"Yeah, sure is!" Jadeite added, encouragingly.

"Jadeite?" began Queen Beryl.

"Yes, ma'am?"

"Don't ever change," said Beryl.

"Umm, Queen Beryl, you're scaring me," said Jadeite.

Queen Beryl just looked at him and smiled. Jadeite backed away slowly. Once he got out of her line of sight, he took off in a dead sprint.

* * *

Jadeite appeared at the hospital in a doctor's outfit and glasses.

"This plan of stealing energy from hospital patients can't possibly go wrong!" he announced out loud. A few nurses gave him a strange look, so he walked away.

He walked into a random hospital room. He approached the patient to take his energy.

"Oh, doctor!" cried the patient. "Please, put me out of my misery! I'm so out of energy, I can barely move!"

"With pleasure!" said Jadeite, going all evil looking and about to take energy.

Just then, the real doctor walked in.

"Hey, who are you?" he asked.

"Ummm..." began Jadeite. "I was just tranferred here, I'm Dr. Jay D. Ite, M.D.!"

"Woah!" said the doctor. "You're Dr. Jay D. Ite? THE Dr. Jay D. Ite!?"

"Huh?" Jadeite wondered. "I've only been here for a couple of minutes and I already have a reputation?"

"I thought you were still in Africa curing ebola!" the doctor exclaimed. "I'm honored to be in the presence of such a pro!"

"No, I think you have me confused," Jadeite began. But the doctor ignored him and the patient behind him who just flatlined.

"Guys, look! It's Dr. Jay D. Ite!"

"OMG OMG OMG!" yelled the other doctors running over. "I read all your books! You're the greatest!" they screamed, swarming Jadeite.

"No, no, no!" cried Jadeite, backing up against the wall. "This is all just a huge misunderstanding! What I meant to say was that I'm Dr. Jade I. Te!"

"Don't be ridiculous, Jay!" laughed one of the doctors. They kept shoving autograph books in his face.

Just then, a panicked surgeon ran into the room. "Did I here the great Dr. Jay D. Ite was on these premises?!"

"Why, yes!" they all answered, while Jadeite shook his head.

"Oh, it's a miracle! I was just about to perform this ridiculously impossible operation, but since he's here, he might actually be able to pull it off!"

"HA HA HA HA!" laughed Jadeite. "No way, Jose! I couldn't possibly!"

"He's so humble!" swooned the surgeon, passing out as the other doctors pushed Jay D. Ite into the surgery room.

"Have fun!" they yelled, slamming the door and locking it.

A crowd gathered outside the operating room, waiting anxiously.

"Save my child!" yelled a weeping parent.

"You can do it!" yelled Usagi.

"Search for your love!" yelled the Three Lights.

A popcorn vendor walked along, handing the audience buckets.

Jadeite started to sweat in panic. "Oh boy, I've really got myself in a pickle!" he panted. He searched the room for an escape. "I suppose I could teleport away, but that would ruin the whole energy stealing operation I spent five minutes on! I must go through with the surgery! But how!?"

He grabbed the first thing he could find. It was a stethoscope. He put it on and put the heartbeat censor on his own heart.

"This doesn't sound healthy!" he exclaimed. "I'll need to examine this further!"

He pulled out a shot and gave it to himself. "Ouch! But at least I won't get the flu!"

The patient moaned.

"Oh yeah right, the patient," he remembered. "I have a new plan. Hope for a miracle!"

Suddenly, a female doctor with short blue hair busted through the door.

"OH THANK GAWD!" Jadeite shouted in relief. "Someone's here to take over the surgery for me!"

The doctor approached him. "Hello, I'm Ami Mizuno! How may I be of assistance?"

"DO THE SURGERY!" Jadeite cried, falling to his knees in desperation.

"Oh, I can't. I'm just interning here to observe doctors at work. I'm not allowed to actually operate on the patients."

"WAAAA!" Jadeite screamed. "Then tell me what to do!"

"Are you testing me, obvious legitimate doctor?" Ami asked. "Fair enough. It's simple. First, dissect the pectoral gland-"

"Huh?" said Jadeite.

"It's next to the offulofagus!" she explained, laughing.

"Huh?" said Jadeite.

"Just use a magnetic spectrum assymetrical simulator!" she chuckled.

"Huh?" said Jadeite, holding out a Q-tip questioningly. "Is this it?"

"No," giggled Ami. "You're really a jokester, aren't you, Dr. Ite."

"Ha ha ha ha help me," Jadeite replied.

"STEP ASIDE!" yelled someone outside.

Jadeite turned to see the door swing open, as three doctors entered in surgical masks and hats.

"OH THANK HEAVENS! REAL DOCTORS!" cried Jadeite.

"Don't worry folks, we're Dr. Jay D. Ite's assistants. Nothing to worry about here!" the doctors said to the crowd as they closed the door.

The three doctors walked to his side. The doctor closest to him pulled down his surgical mask, revealing his face.

"Pssst, it's me, Nephrite!" said Nephrite, nudging Jadeite. "I'm here to save you!"

"Oh, thank goodness!" said Jadeite. "You brought these two real doctors with you to help out!"

Zoisite and Kunzite removed their masks. "No, it's just us!"

"We're doomed!" wailed Jadeite.

"Wait, so why were you stealing energy from sick people at a hospital?" Zoisite asked. "Wouldn't they have less energy?"

"Yes, but they would also have less fight in them!" he explained.

"Do you know these people?" Ami asked.

"No," answered Jadeite.

"Well, go ahead," urged Ami. "The patient isn't getting any healthier!"

"Yeah, go ahead!" said Jadeite. "You guys can make the first incision."

"I don't know about that," said Zoisite. "I'm pretty bad at making decisions, if I decided to come here and help you."

"Not decisions, incisions!" explained Ami.

"I love making incisions!" said Kunzite, pulled out a large sword.

"Nah, none of that," said Nephrite. "I've got this under control, don't you Zoisite?"

"Yeah, Jadeite, you've got this," Zoisite said, passing on the responsibility.

"No I don't- I mean, who's Jadeite?"

"You," all three stated.

"I thought you were Dr. Jay D. Ite?" Ami asked.

"Of course I am!" Jadeite exclaimed. "Wait, no I'm not! This is all a mistake!"

He tried to make a break for it, but Nephrite pulled him back. "I don't think so, buster. We still need that energy."

"Fine," said Jadeite. "Someone pass me an incision maker."

"You mean a scalpel?" asked Ami.

"Yeah, duh," said Jadeite.

She handed him a scalpel.

"Welp, here I go!" he announced, slowly bringing down the scalpel. "Oops!" he said, dropping it. He picked it up. He slowly brought it towards the patient again, hoping one of his friends would intervene. They just gave him the thumbs up.

He dropped it again. "Aww, these butterfingers!" He bent down to pick it up, but 'accidentally' fell and hit his head on the operating board. "Oh no! I'm dizzy! I can't operate under these conditions!"

"Quick!" cried Ami. "One of you, take Dr. Ite into the other room and operate on him! He doesn't look so good."

"He's fine!" insisted Zoisite, picking up the scalpel and putting it back in his hand.

"Are you sure?" asked Ami. "He doesn't seem conscious."

"I'll fix him," volunteered Kunzite, unsheathing his sword again.

Jadeite sprung to his feet. "Woah!" he screamed, throwing the scalpel across the room. "Sorry, muscle spasm."

He reluctantly picked it up again. "Wait, I can't operate without gloves!"

He pulled out a pair of gloves and started to put them on top of the Negaverse gloves he was already wearing.

"Oops, put them on the wrong hands!" he explained, throwing the pair out. He tried again. "Oops, tore this pair!"

They all face-palmed, including Ami.

"Oops, this one's inside out! Ya know, this is gonna take a while. Nephrite, you wanna tap in while I get this sorted out?" Jadeite asked.

Nephrite started to object, but Jadeite handed him the scalpel, and then took off and jumped into one of the medicine cabinets.

"Ouch, there's needles in here!"

"Welp, I guess I have to pay the bills somehow," Nephrite sighed. "But first, who wants to see a magic trick?"

"This isn't really the time," said Ami.

Nephrite held the scalpel in his hand, showing it to his audience of three people. Then, he put his hands together, and reopened them.

"Woah, it's gone! Where did it go?" he asked rhetorically.

"Where DID it go?" asked Ami, starting to get frustrated with the nearly dead patient.

"It's behind Zoisite's ear!" Nephrite exclaimed.

"Ah, get this thing away from me!" cried Zoisite, throwing it at Kunzite.

"Woah, hot scalpel!" Kunzite yelled, tossing it to Ami.

"No!" Ami cried. "I'm not licensed to touch this equipment!" She tossed it back to Nephrite.

Nephrite turned on music, and they began passing it around the circle. But then, Nephrite turned off the music once it was in Zoisite's hand.

"Aww, tough luck, pal!" he told him. "You better get to operating!"

"No, wait, that means I'm out!" said Zoisite. "It's between you and Kunzite now!"

"What is this, Australian rules?" asked Kunzite.

Nephrite and Kunzite passed it back and forth, but since Nephrite was in charge of the music, it was no contest. Nephrite eliminated himself, and Kunzite took to the stand.

He held the scalpel above the patient.

"Don't kill him, now," Jadeite instructed from inside the cabinet.

Kunzite mumbled something at Jadeite and turned back to his operation. He began to sweat. "I only know how to kill! This is too much pressure!"

He searched desperately for an excuse. "You know, I can't operate on an empty stomache! I better go get some snacks! CYA!"

He left the operating room.

"Did he make it!?" cried the patient's mother when he emerged.

"Beats me," said Kunzite, shrugging. He went and stood by the snack machine, pretending to be indecisive about what to get.

"Whelp, it's just you and me, Zoisite!" said Nephrite. "You know, I just remembered, I left my car on!" Nephrite exclaimed, running out of the room.

Zoisite stood dumbfounded with the scalpel.

"Hmmm, I dissected a frog once in high school, but then again that was a thousand years ago. Oh well, this can't be too different!"

"Be careful!" cried Jadeite from the cabinet, as he heard the motor of a chainsaw turn on.

* * *

Kunzite finally got scolded for taking so long in line, and had to choose a snack. He walked back into the operating room, eating a bag of Cheetos.

"Is the operation over yet?" he asked. But then he slipped on blood and his Cheetos all fell out.

"OH DEAR GAWD!" he cried at the scene. "My Cheetos are covered in blood!" Then he shrugged. "Five second rule!" he reasoned, continuing to eat his Cheetos off the floor regardless.

Meanwhile, Zoisite sat in the corner shaking. "I took everything out, but I don't know how to put it back!" he cried.

Ami was desperately searching through the manual, looking for answers. "They didn't teach us this in my Junior High!" she sobbed.

Jadeite peaked his head out to see the progess. "WHAT THE-" he became sick and had to slam the cabinet door shut. "WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY!"

Nephrite drove his car in through the wall. "I can't figure out how to turn this thing off!" he told them. Then he looked at the seen before him. He slowly backed his car out of the operating room, and drove away.

Kunzite finally finished his Cheetos, and looked up. "Woah, great job, Zoisite! You really have a knack for this kind of thing! If we ever get fired from the Negaverse, you should go to med school!"

Zoisite continued to rock back and forth.

"Wait," Ami cried in horror. "You never went to med school?!"

"Of course not," said Kunzite, "None of us have!"

"OH MY GAWD!" Ami shrieked. "YOU MEAN, YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHAT YOU WERE DOING WHEN YOU TOOK ALL OF THIS MAN'S ORGANS OUT!?"

"Well duh," Jadeite said through the cabinet. "Wasn't it obvious?"

"Omg." said Ami. She began to have a panic attack. "Omg. Omg. Omg. Omg." She started running in circles. She slammed herself into the wall, falling backwards. She tried to stumble back to her feet, but accidentally put her hand on the patient's still beating heart that was laying on the floor. "OMG. OMG. OOOOOMG."

She started pulling her hair out and spouting gibberish. "AWDGAWEGWAEGEJHJAEWALG AWJEGJAWEJGWLEG WEGWAJEG JKWAG LWEG WE!"

She crawled up the wall and her head spun around.

"What's up with her?" Kunzite asked, only mildly concerned.

There was a knock on the door. "How's it going?" someone asked.

Ami threw up onto the door, blocking up the only window.

"Looks like it's going well," a nurse reassured.

"So, are we done here?" Kunzite asked. "He seems ok."

"Put him back together!" cried Jadeite.

"Ummm, ok?" said Kunzite, picking up the organs and stuffing them back in. "Alright, he's back together."

The patient didn't move.

"Hey buddy, you there?" Kunzite asked, nudging him. "Wakey wakey!"

"Pour some water on him," suggested Jadeite.

Kunzite splashed some cold water in the man's face, but he had no reaction. "Huh. This guy is out cold," Kunzite stated.

Zoisite finally snapped. "I TOOK YOU OUT OF THIS WORLD, I'LL PUT YOU BACK IN IT!"

He grabbed the Jaws of Life and slammed them on the guy's chest. "CLEAR!"

"IT'S NOT WORKING!" Jadeite yelled, peaking out again.

"CLEAR! CLEAR! CLEAR!" Zoisite cried, but it still wasn't working.

"Have you tried turning him on and off again?" Kunzite asked.

"WAKE UP!" Zoisite screamed, blasting him with random magic.

"Woah, Zoisite, calm down," said Kunzite. "This isn't your fault."

"CLEEEEEEAR!" Zoisite shot him with a giant energy blast, which threw him straight out the door of the operation room, into the crowd.

Everyone in the hospital gasped.

"Uh oh," said Zoisite, still hovering above the ground.

"YOU GUYS AREN'T DOCTORS!" screamed a random doctor.

"Yes we are!" objected Jadeite. "I'm Dr. Jay D. Ite!"

"No, I'm Dr. Jay D. Ite!" said a doctor, pushing the crowd out of the way.

"Uh oh," said Jadeite.

"GET THOSE PHONIES!" screamed a random.

"Welp, this plan was a bust," Kunzite said plainly. "So anyway, I AM LORD KUNZITE OF THE DARK KINGDOM!"

He charged up an energy blast and aimed it at the crowd.

"WAIT!" said a voice.

Everyone stood back in awe as the man who had been operated on rose to his feet.

"I'm cured! These men saved my life!" he told the crowd.

They all gasped in shock.

"But how?!" asked the real Dr. Jay D. Ite. "They're not even real doctors!"

"Beats me, but I had an incredibly rare condition that required all my organs being removed and put back randomly! And they pulled it off!"

"Good game," said Zoisite, bowing.

"THESE GUYS ARE MIRACLE WORKERS!" someone from the crowd screamed.

"THAT MAN COULDN'T EVEN WALK OR SEE BEFORE THEY OPERATED ON HIM, AND NOW HE CAN WALK AND SEE!" someone else shouted.

Jadeite and Kunzite bowed as well.

"You must use your miracles to help more people!" a doctor told them. "There's much healing to be done!"

"I think we've done enough for today," Jadeite told them proudly, dusting off his hands.

The three Shitennou turned and walked out of the hole Nephrite's car made, and into the sunset.

"A job well done," Jadeite told his comrades. "A job well done."

"Hey, we forgot the energy," Kunzite remembered.

"Perhaps we got something greater than energy," Jadeite said, beaming.

"Queen Beryl's probably going to kill us when we get back though," Zoisite laughed, patting him on the back.

Jadeite laughed too.

"No, I'm serious. She said this was our last try."

"We'll cross that bridge when we get there," Jadeite chuckled.

"What does that even mean?" Zoisite asked.

They continued into the sunset, leaving Ami still spazzing on the ground.

FIN


	31. Jadeite And Nephrite Screw Up Time

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Oh, what's the use?" Queen Beryl replied. "At this rate, we'll never wake Metalia!"

"Who?" asked Jadeite.

"Oh, what's the use?" Queen Beryl lamented.

Jadeite walked away.

He ran into Nephrite in the hall.

"Hey Nephrite, don't you ever wish you got a second chance at things?"

"No," said Nephrite.

"Aww, come on, sure you do!" Jadeite insisted. "Like don't you wish we had won when we raided the Moon Kingdom and got killed?"

"Yeah, that was the only time we even came close to winning," Nephrite sighed. "If only we could try that again. I'd know just how to beat those Senshi this time!"

"Yeah!" agreed Jadeite. "We would just take out Queen Serenity, since we totally forgot about her last time!"

"If only..." Nephrite moped. "If only..."

Just then, Kunzite and Zoisite walked passed them.

"Hey Zoisite, remember that time Sailor Pluto stayed at the Time Gate during the Moon Kingdom raid, and let everyone die?" Kunzite laughed, nostalgically.

"No," said Zoisite.

"Oh. Well it was funny."

"She leaves all the time now though, doesn't she?" Zoisite asked.

"Why, yes. The Time Gate, which allows people to travel in time, is always left completely unattended!"

They walked away.

"Did you hear that?!" Jadeite asked excitedly.

"No," said Nephrite.

"Oh. Well we should go to the Time Gate, and TRAVEL BACK IN TIME!"

"WE CAN DO THAT?!" Nephrite exclaimed. "Woah, let's go back to Sunday and bet on the winning football team!"

"No Nephrite, think bigger!" Jadeite encouraged. "We can save ourselves from that fateful Moon Kingdom raid!"

"But we can win now! We know just how to beat them!"

"Don't be so naive," said Jadeite. "Let's just save ourselves."

"Fiiiine," Nephrite agreed.

* * *

They knocked on Kunzite's castle door.

"I've got it!" called Zoisite. He hit a button, but Nephrite and Jadeite knew better and dodged the trap, narrowly avoiding falling into the shark pit.

"Damn, they're still here," Zoisite fretted.

Kunzite got the door. "What do you bozos want?

"Where is the time gate?" Nephrite asked. Jadeite slugged him for his blatantness.

"Why?" Kunzite asked suspiciously. "You don't intend on going back and altering time, do you?"

"No, but if we did intend on going back and altering time, hypothetically of course, where would we go?" Jadeite asked.

"Oh, just take a left after leaving the Negaverse and walk all the way to the South Pole. It's eZ."

"Thanks, Kunzy!" said Jadeite, walking away and falling in the trap. He tp'd from the sharks at the last second.

"DON'T COME BACK HERE!" called Kunzite. After they left, he turned to Zoisite. "We need a better trap."

* * *

They appeared at the South Pole. Jadeite was shivering. "I wish I wasn't covered in shark tank water right now."

Nephrite just smiled. "It's good to know we're not the only idiots who put our entrance in the middle of the arctic!"

"That's ANTARCTIC down here, Nephy!" Jadeite said, matter-of-factly.

Nephrite slugged him.

They walked over to the Time Gate and entered.

"Wow, there's a lot of fog in here," Nephrite commented. "It's not very practical."

"That'd be a shame if someone jumped us right now, while our vision is impaired," Jadeite added.

"HALLLLLLLLT!" yelled a female voice.

There was a shadow in the fog that they couldn't quite make out the shape of, but within seconds it disappeared.

"Phew," sighed Jadeite, relieved. "For a second I thought some guard was stopping us!"

They turned around and saw Sailor Pluto holding her staff threateningly at them.

"Well, well, well, if it's Setsuna Mustard!" said Nephrite mockingly.

"It's Meioh," said Pluto coldly.

"How do you know this chick?" asked Jadeite.

"Me and Setsuna Ketchup used to have a thing back in the Silver Millennium," Nephrite explained.

"Why were you in a relationship with a Sailor Scout? That's not canon in the manga or the anime!"

"Well, neither is my relationship with Jupiter but that's never stopped anyone before."

"So what are you two baffoons doing here in the Time Gate?" demaned Meioh.

"Why do you ask?" asked Jadeite.

"Are you planning on going back in time to mess with the timeline?"

"No...maybe...ok...fine... yea, we are!" Jadeite admitted.

"Well I won't allow that!"

"Aww come on Setsuna Relish can't you just let us pass for old time's sake?" Nephrite pleaded.

"I didn't let you go through the gate back then and I won't let you go through now. Prepare to DIE! DEADLY SCREAMEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

She shot a generic projectile at them but they both dodged.

"Whoa take it easy now, Sourkraut." Nephrite said annoyed.

Setsuna MAYO was getting mad. She grunted angrily and charged them with her stick. "IT'S MEIIIIOOOOOOH!"

She approached them with lightning speed, and within seconds she was on top of Nephrite and swung her stick down like a hammer. Nephrite caught it above his head.

"Ha," laughed Nephrite. "It's gonna take more than some dumb stick to take down the great Nephrite!"

Setsuna Horse Radish freed her stick and smacked Nephrite in the face with it. He tumbled backwards but did a backflip and landed on his feet.

"WHOA, REJECTION!" he cried rubbing his bruised face. "JADEITE! Let's double team 'er!"

They both leaped in opposite directions, so they were on both sides of her. They shot energy blasts down at her from the air creating a huge cloud of smoke from the explosion.

"Did we get her?" asked Jadeite.

"Obviously!" remarked Nephrite.

Suddenly she flew up behind Jadeite and got him in a choke-hold.

"I DON'T-THINK-IT-HIT!" coughed Jadeite.

He slowly sunk to the ground and onto the floor as she strangled him.

"HAAAALLLLPPPP MEEEE!" he cried.

"I GOT YA BUDDY!" Nephrite promised. He made a run for the Time Gate. "I'll make sure to give you a heads-up in the past!" he said waving his hand and looking back as he fled for the door.

Pluto let go of Jadeite and shot him with a deadly scream from the back and he fell over.

"Ha serves you right for trying to ditch me!" laughed Jadeite, still weak.

Pluto kicked him in the face.

Nephrite was just getting up and Pluto flew at him.

He shot an energy blast at her but she reflected it with her staff and then flew up and smacked Nephrite silly.

Jadeite crawled up to them as she pummeled Nephrite on the ground with her stick.

He latched onto her foot and bit her.

"YEEOUCH!" she hollored and kicked backwards, leaving a footprint on Jadeite's face.

Nephrite had to think fast.

"HEY LOOK IT'S QUEEN SERENITY!" he yelled pointing in some random direction.

"OMG WHERE?! SOMEONE'S ACTUALLY USING THE TIME GATE?!"

Nephrite slugged her with his elbow. "QUICK JADEITE RUN RUN RUN RUN!"

Jadeite scrambled to his feet and made a hasty retreat towards the time gate.

Pluto recovered and chased after Nephrite and Jadeite. She was about to catch them when suddenly she stopped.

Chibi-usa and Luna P appeared. "PLUUUUUTO WE HAVE A DILEMA IN THE FUTURREE!"

"Gosh darn it! I have to baby sit a kid again," she told them letting them run free. "Have fun screwing up the timeline. None of this makes sense anyways."

They leaped into the Time Gate.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Lights n' stuff were flashing around them and soon they blacked out.

* * *

They awoke next to their Silver Millennium rock huts.

"How convenient!" said Jadeite.

They whipped out a piece of paper and wrote notes to their past selves. They left them on their door steps.

"That oughtta do it," said Nephrite. "Now come hop back in the time gate before we mess up the past."

"Aww, but I wanted to meet my past self!" replied Jadeite. "There's so much I wanted to tell him! And I want to show him how handsome he is in the future!"

"Let's go," said Nephrite firmly, dragging Jadeite by the ear back into the Time Gate.

Once they were gone, past Nephrite and Jadeite woke up.

Jadeite opened the door and saw a note. He read it out loud. "Dear past self, I am your father! Jk, I'm you from the future! In the future, you are very handsome, and have a beautiful girlfriend and lots of cash. You by no means live behind a dumpster. Seriously. Also in the future, Nephrite turns gay with Zoisite, and you become Queen Beryl's favorite and only lacky after she fires the others and eats Kunzite. You are the shared ruler of the world and everyone respects and values your opinion. No one makes fun of you any more for that time you spilled soup all over your jammies. Stay awesome. From, your good pal Future Jed. Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Jay D. Ite is a bad alias. Oh, and I almost forgot the other important thing. Whatever you do, don't go to tomorrow's raid of the Moon Kingdom. Call in sick. You'll thank me when you don't die."

Jadeite gasped. "Wow, I'm so cool in the future! I have so much to look forward to!"

Nephrite climbed out of bed and picked up his note.

"Should I go back to the Time Gate now?" asked Meioh, climbing out of his bed.

"That would be wise," said Nephrite. "You totally won't end up letting down the Moon Kingdom if you stay there all day tomorrow."

Once she left, he read the note. "Nephrite, don't raid the Moon Kingdom tomorrow. You're just not good enough, you're going to die. I'm sorry, it's not your fault, it was the others who caused your demise. But yeah, just skip out on this one. Also, you really do find true love someday. And she's a girl this time! And not that punk Meioh who never really loved you. Also, in the future, don't give Zoisite your address. He won't leave you alone. Best wishes, Future Nephy."

"Woah, I live till the future?" Nephrite exclaimed in shock, upon putting down the note. "It must be because I'm not going to die in the raid tomorrow. Wait, but then how did I come and warn myself, if..." Nephrite starting sputtering in confusion.

* * *

The future Nephrite and Jadeite returned from the time warp.

"Are you sure we're at the North Pole?" Jadeite asked.

"Yes, I'm positive!" Nephrite responded, taking out a compass and showing Jadeite that it was spinning around.

"Well then where's our base?" wondered Jadeite.

"Huh, I'm pretty sure it was right here..."

"Are you sure we're back in the right time?"

"Yes, my pocket calender says so!" Nephrite told him.

"You don't think we, ya know, messed up the time line, do you?" Jadeite questioned.

"Nah, impossible," Nephrite reassured him confidently. "Kunzite and Mayo would have warned us not to go back in time, if that were a possibility."

"Good point," agreed Jadeite.

"Wait, is the Moon lighting up...?" Nephrite asked nervously.

Before Jadeite could respond, a huge army of Moon chariots flew down from the sky. In them were tons of Sailor Senshi sporting machetes and AK-47s.

"Uh oh," said Jadeite. "RUUUUUUUUUUN!"

They legged it as the army shot missiles down at them. One made a huge explosion, sending them flying into a crevice.

They hung from the edge.

"I CAN'T HOLD ON!" Nephrite cried, as his hand slipped on the snow. He started to fall, but he grabbed Jadeite's leg.

"GET OFF ME!" cried Jadeite. "I was doing just fine before but now I'm faaaaaallllllllliiiing!"

They fell into the crevice, landing with a thud.

"Oof!"

The Moon kingdom army flew by overhead, passing by the crevise and not noticing them.

"WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT ABOUT?" asked Jadeite.

They walked through the ravine, looking for a way back up. But then, they passed by a few stone huts with torches in the windows.

"There's people in there!" Jadeite stated. "Maybe they could tell us how to get out of here!"

"LET's EAT THEM!" Nephrite cried, already starving to death.

They barged in with forks and knives, but then they gasped in shock. It was past Nephrite and Jadeite, still living in their little huts!

"Ohhhh, where did it all go wrong?" past Nephrite sobbed.

"Woah, past Nephrite!" said past Jadeite. "It's... it's us from the future!"

"LET's EAT THEM!" cried past Nephrite.

"Why are we still living in these huts?" asked future Jadeite.

"Because some monsters from the future gave us awful advice," past Jadeite began. "We didn't show up for the Moon Kingdom raid, so the other two Shitennou went looking for us. Queen Beryl was furious when all her Shitennou weren't at their posts, so she went looking for them. Meanwhile, no one gave Metalia a heads up, so she charged and got defeated with ease. However, she managed to take out Sailor Mercury. All of the Sailors were pissed off, so they waged war on Earth. They killed all the other Shitennou and Queen Beryl, while we stayed hiding in our huts. We haven't left since."

"That's awful!" Nephrite said sympathetically. "I'm so sad, I can't help feeling like this was somehow our faults!"

Past Nephrite glared at him.

"Wait, we can fix this!" Future Jadeite announced. "We can just hop back in the time gate, and make sure that we win this war! Once and for all! By helping our past selves!"

"Wasn't that my original plan?" Future Nephrite asked.

"Shhhhh," said Jadeite.

"Alright, what are we waiting for?" asked past Jadeite. "Let's climb this wall with Nephrite's long flowing hair that has been growing for the past thousand years."

Nephrite lassoed his hair to the top of the ravine. "You go first, honey," he said to past Jadeite.

"WHAT!?" asked the future Shitennou.

"What?" past Jadeite asked defensively. "We had only each other for the past 1000 years. What did you want us to do?"

"Ewww, but Nephrite?" Jadeite complained.

"You're the one who told me he was gay. It was just the obvious next step, since we both know you are too!"

"You told him I was what?" Nephrite scolded. "Wait, and you're-"

"MOVING ON!" said Future Jadeite, climbing Nephrite's long mane to top.

"Owowowowowow," said past Nephrite as they all climbed up his hair. "Wait, can't we all fly and teleport?"

But the others had already reached the top.

"Alright, into the Time Gate!" exclaimed Future Jadeite.

"Yeah, let's fix time! exclaimed Past Jadeite.

"Hey," said Future Nephrite. "Remember that time you spilled soup on your jammies?"

Past Jadeite sulked as they hopped into the portal.

TBC!


	32. Zoisite Backhands Beryl

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Put a sock in it, Jadeite."

"Wa!" Jadeite cried.

"Where's that pest Zoisite?" Queen Beryl asked. "I have a bone to pick with him."

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Zoisite. "I found a new rainbow crystal holder!"

"Zooooooiiiiiiiisiiiiite!"

"Yes, Queen Beryl?"

"You suck," said Beryl. "Your hair is stupid. Why do you shoot petals at people, you're a guy! And I heard you harmed a single hair on Mamoru's head whilest doing battle with him. Who do you think you are? I was very clear that you couldn't harm his good looks, even when he is attacking you."

"Why do you say these cruel things, Queen Beryl?" Zoisite asked, hurt and surprised. "And how was I supposed to get the rainbow crystal back from him without harming him?"

"Well maybe you shouldn't have let him get it to begin with," Beryl scolded.

"Queen Beryl, I am doing my best. I have done so much better than the other two," Zoisite tried to remind her.

"Your best is garbage. Doing better than them is no accomplishment. They are garbage as well. You make me sick, Zoisite."

"Why Beryl, why?!" Zoisite cried.

"Also, Kunzite is such a hunkster. Why does he go out with the likes of you?" Queen Beryl asked.

Zoisite raised his hand, and within seconds, he brought it across Queen Beryl's face. Zoisite instantly regretted it.

Queen Beryl was shocked at first, but then suddenly the rage sunk in. Zoisite knew he was done for.

"This is where my story ends," he said sadly.

Queen Beryl ended his story, obliterating him with one shot.

Right after Zoisite dissolved into dust, Kunzite walked in.

"Hey Queen Beryl, have you seen Zoisite?" he asked.

"Yes Kunzite I killed him," Beryl explained.

"Haha, good one, Beryl," said Kunzite. "Now where is he?"

"Dead. The graveyard. Idk," said Beryl.

"Ok Beryl it's not funny any more. Did you send him out on a mission?"

"No, I sent him to Hell. I told him not to wait for you."

Kunzite raised his hand, and within seconds, he brought it across Queen Beryl's face. Kunzite instantly regretted it.

Queen Beryl finished Kunzite with ease. Kunzite was no more.

"Well that was dumb," said Beryl. "Send in my fifth Shitennou."

A Youma walked up to her.

"Umm, Queen Beryl?" said the Youma.

"Yes?"

"You don't have a fifth Shitennou. Those were your last two."

"Uh oh. Send in Evil Mamoru?"

"We don't have one of those in our possession yet," the Youma explained.

"Aww nuts," said Beryl. "Time to awaken Jadeite from his eternal slumber."

"Rise and shine Jeddy," she said after waking him up.

"OH BOY IM ALIVE! Time to take out the three Sailor Scouts with PLANES!"

Three days later the Negaverse was no more.

FIN


	33. Jadeite And Nephrite Screw Up Time Pt 2

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

The future and past Nephrites and Jadeites stood on a balcony overhead, watching Jadeite tell Beryl about his new source of energy.

"Excellent Jadeite!" Queen Beryl responded. "You've done well! You always make me proud!"

"Oops," said Future Nephrite. "Looks like we ended up in the wrong dimension. Let's try again."

"I don't know," said the Jadeites. "Maybe we should stay here..."

But they got shoved back in the Time Portal.

They appeared in the past again, in front of their rock huts. They watched from afar as a different Nephrite and Jadeite appeared from the past, and put notes under the past past Nephrite and Jadeite's doors.

All four of them ran up and tackled the note placers down. "Halt!" They yelled as they did so.

"WA!" cried the Jadeite who had gotten tackled. "Imposters!"

"Jadeite, you dolt," said Jadeite.

"You have a good point, Jadeite," agreed Jadeite.

"What are you doing here?" asked the tackled Nephrite.

"We're here to stop you from messing up the future!"

"Aww, great," complained the Nephrite who was about to put the note. "You sound just like Mayo."

"No, we're still here to mess up the future, but maybe it'll work to our favor this time!" the future Nephrite explained, hurt to have been compared to Mustard.

The Nephrite and Jadeite from the past, who had just been awoken by the others' bickering, emerged from their rock huts.

"WOAH! I'M TRIPPIN!" said Jadeite.

"Did Queen Beryl clone us? That's wacky, even for her!" Nephrite assumed.

"Don't be silly," future Nephrite told him. "We just went back in time, and recruited ourselves from the future that we messed up! And then we went back again, and recruited our original selfs who were about to make the new-"

"STAHP IT BURNS!" cried all four Jadeites.

"But why all the recruiting?" asked pastest Nephrite.

"So we can BEAT THE MOON KINGDOM, ONCE AND FOR ALL!" Nephrite said encouragingly.

"You mean we don't win?" past Jadeite asked.

Everyone just laughed.

* * *

All eight of them appeared on the Moon.

"Alright, men," said Kunzite, walking over with Zoisite to give them a pep talk. "Wait, wut?"

They both stared at the four Jadeites and four Nephrites.

"Oh boy did you go mess with the Time Gate?" Kunzite asked. "I have to remember in the future to not remind you of that thing."

"No..." they all said slowly.

"Well this is just great," said Zoisite. "One of them was bad enough."

Queen Beryl appeared. "Alright, we're about to- what the heck?"

"Hi Beryl," said all the Jadeites.

"Oh, hi Jadeites," said Beryl. She looked over at Kunzite. "Has there always been four of them?"

"Oh, good, you see it to?" He replied, relieved.

"Anyway, let's go!" yelled Beryl. She started to lead them into battle, but then she saw the Sailor Scouts. "Lolno, Ima just go get mah man!" she told them, taking off and leaving them to fend for themselves.

"Alright," said Kunzite. "Now as we practiced, I'm going to laugh evilly in case the Sailors ever see this in a flash back. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!"

"Kunzite maybe you should stop doing that and help us fight," Zoisite recommended.

"Ok one more minute. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!"

They all waited.

"Fine attack now," Kunzite said at last.

The ten of them charged. "Go Earth army go!" Kunzite turned and yelled behind him.

"Umm, well you didn't really train us to- GAAAHHA!" the Earth army yelled as they died one by one.

"Everything is going as planned," Kunzite said proudly. "Nephrite, or uh... Nephrites? Take your branch of the army to flank them from the-"

But the Nephrites were driven to win this time. They actually engaged in combat themselves. As did the Jadeites. Knowing that Queen Serenity being ignored was the sole reason they lost, they all charged her. She kept them at bay by prodding them off with the Moon stick.

"This is useless," said a Nephrite to a Jadeite.

"Yeah," said Jadeite. "Let's go help Beryl get Endymion!"

They ran over to see Beryl floating above Endymion and Princess Serenity.

"Hey Princess Serenity!" yelled Jadeite, interrupting the drama. "If you were to, say, be reborn in the future, what would your civilian name be?"

She just cried because Beryl was taking Endymion.

Prince Endymion floated towards Queen Beryl, since she was pulling him away with magic.

"Oh no, he's flying after our queen!" cried Jadeite.

Him and Nephrite leaped up and knocked him to the ground.

"WTF, STOP!" yelled Beryl.

"No my queen! We're saving you!" they yelled, kicking him while he was down.

"I don't need saving, you noob boys!" she screamed, furiously.

"Well clearly you do since you die!" Nephrite informed her.

"No way!" she said doubtfully. "I have everything planned out perfectly!"

"Yeah right," said Nephrite. "Did you take Queen Serenity into account?"

"Wait... who?" Beryl asked.

Nephrite face palmed.

"Don't worry, I'll just improvise!" Queen Beryl said confidently. "Kunzite, go take out Queen Serenity!"

"Huh?" said Kunzite, in the middle of making out with Zoisite while the Earth army died.

"See he's got it," Beryl reassured them.

"Ok good," they said, continuing to kick Endymion.

"STOP!" she cried.

"No way, he's a jerk!" Jadeite replied.

Queen Beryl flew down beside Jadeite and Nephrite.

"Lookin good, Beryl!" Jadeite commented.

She slayed him and Nephrite. "I told you to back off my man but you chumps didn't listen!"

As she stood above her two dead Shitennou, admiring her work, Endymion jumped up and got her with his sword.

"NUUUUU!" Beryl cried as she died.

"What just happened?" asked Metalia. "I can't see, I'm all the way up here! And I'm just a cloud!"

A giant hole in the time-space continuum appeared, and two Sailor Plutos leaped out of the Time Gate.

"What did you bozos do this time?!" they cried.

Nephrite went to call her a condiment, but his hand was gone. "What?" he asked.

"Woah, you're transparent!" a Jadeite exclaimed. "Is that a new power?"

They all started to disappear. "Are we fading from existence!?" that Nephrite that was dating Jadeite cried, trying to grab onto his boyfriend. But his hand flew right threw him, and then was gone.

"But why!?" a different Nephrite asked in shock. "Oh boy did one of us bozos get killed or something?"

"As long as the ones who originally went back in time are alright, we should be good," Jadeite inferred.

"So where are they?" Nephrite asked.

They all face palmed in unison.

"YOU FOOLS CREATED A TIME PARADOX!" Annouced Setsuna Meioh.

"Neat!" said Jadeite. "Oh, that's a bad thing?"

The world around them began crumbling.

"I must kill you all to set things straight!" a Pluto told them.

"That's not how this works!" said the other Pluto. "That's not how any of this works!"

"Like hell you'll kill us all!" a Nephrite screamed, shoving Pluto aside and jumping in the Time Gate.

"Hey! Bad!" screamed Pluto.

A Jadeite jumped in as well.

Kunzite and Zoisite looked up. "Should we go in there too?" Zoisite asked.

"Nah, I'm sure Beryl's got it under control," Kunzite said confidently.

Queen Serenity looked over at the Plutos. "WHY DID YOU GUYS LEAVE THE TIME GATE!?"

"We- but- uhhhhh..."

She tried to pull a last minute Silver Crystal energy release, but another Pluto appeared and killed her.

"WHY!?" screamed the other two Plutos.

"I fixed time!" said the new Pluto.

But she didn't, because they really didn't know shit.

"Now Crystal Tokyo is in danger!" cried a wild Setsuna, who had just appeared.

A bunch of Chibi-usas started falling from the sky. Everyone started drowning in them, and then there was a supernova and they all died.

* * *

"WAAAAAAAAAAA!" screamed the Jadeite and Nephrite who had jumped in the time portal and were now falling through time.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

* * *

They landed with a thud in the middle of Beryl's thrown room.

"...Queen Beryl..." they asked nervously.

"Why hello boys," said Kunzite, spinning around in Beryl's throne. "Are you back from the mission?"

"Oh boy I think we goofed up again," said Jadeite. "Better hop back in the time gate!"

"Not so fast!" said Pluto, wearing a Shitennou uniform. "We still have three more rainbow crystals to collect!"

Three Beryls and a Zoisite appeared. "Make that two more rainbow crystals!" they said proudly, showing off the mauve crystal.

"That's not the right color..." said Nephrite.

"And why are there three Beryls?" asked Jadeite.

Zoisite just laughed. "There's 12 Beryls! What are you tools going on about?"

"Suck it Zoisite!" yelled Nephrite.

"Ok, bae," said Zoisite.

"AAAAAH!" cried Nephrite, making a run for it. But he ran into five more Beryls.

"Hey bae," they all said.

"ASDFJWAEG!" he cried, running the other direction.

"Jadeite, I found a new source of energy!" Kunzite announced.

Jadeite tried to run too, but he bumped smack into Galaxia. She was also in a Shitennou uniform.

"Kunzite!" she exclaimed. "I found the found the holder of Pegasus!"

"Oh for real!?" Kunzite said gleefully. "Bring him in!"

She dragged a tied up Dr. Tomoe into the room.

"No! You'll never take Hotaru!" he cried.

Hotaru came running in. She transformed into Sailor Moon. "You'll never get away wiht this! On behalf of the Negamoon, you will PAY!"

Jadeite and Nephrite looked at each other in horror. "What do we do?"

"You GET BACK TO WORK!" Kunzite demanded.

"Doing what?"

"Finding the Talismen of the Holy Grail, of course! Have you been sleeping eternally or something?"

"Put them back in an eternal sleep!" Sailor Mercury requested politely.

"No! Leave my best friends alone!" cried Zoisite.

They 1v1'd but then ended up dating.

"This really is a nightmare!" Nephrite wailed.

"I can't live like this!" cried Jadeite, pulling out his sword that he still had from the Moon Kingdom fight. "I SHALL KILL ME SELF!"

Sailor Pluto appeared, wearing the right outfit. "Don't do that, it will only mess things up worse, you dunce."

"Why is everything all wacky?!" Jadeite asked her.

"Because you didn't listen to me!"

"Well aren't you spiteful!" Nephrite accused her. "You did all this just to get back at me for dumping you and not listening to you!"

"NO," she said angrily. "YOU did all this, because YOU ARE DUMB!"

"Take that back!"

"NEVERRRRRR!"

Another Pluto had to come in to break up the fight.

"Now you guys are going to set things straight!" the latest Pluto told them.

"By jumping in the Time Gate and screwing things up until they get better again?" Nephrite asked.

"NOOOOOO!" cried Plutos.

But they knocked them over and jumped in the Time Gate.

One of the Plutos groaned, and leaped in after them.

FIN


	34. The Shitennou Save Christmas!

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"What is it?" Queen Beryl asked.

"It's this holiday that the humans celebrate, called 'Christmas!'"

"NO!" shrieked Beryl. "Don't even say that word around me!"

"What?" asked Jadeite. "You don't want me to say 'Christmas?'"

"JADEITE I'LL KILL YOU IF YOU SAY IT AGAIN!"

"You mean 'Christmas?'" he asked.

She tried to kill him but he fled. "I hate that holiday!" Beryl screamed once he was gone.

* * *

"I don't know what Queen Beryl's beef is!" Jadeite complained in the Nega Cafeteria.

Kunzite took a bite of fruit cake. "I don't know," he replied, spitting out the fruit cake. "This tastes awful!"

"Maybe something bad happened to her on Christmas," Nephrite figured.

"Maybe she's just a prick," suggested Zoisite.

"Both are very plausible options," Kunzite replied, contemplating what Beryl's beef was.

"Either way, I find it funny that an Earth holiday would piss her off so much. Sounds like she's just mad that Santa keeps bringing her coal," Zoisite said, laughing at his own joke.

"I'd watch what you say about her," Jadeite said nervously. "You never know when she's watching us!"

"Psshhhhhh," Zoisite scoffed. "She never watches me!"

Kunzite took a bite of a gingerbread cookie. "This is stale," he said, spitting it out.

"Aww, where's your holiday cheer, Kunzite?" Jadeite asked. "Wait, I've got it! We can make Queen Beryl not hate Christmas so much, if we show her how fun it is!"

"Where could that possibly go wrong?" Kunzite asked sarcastically.

"Exaclty!" said Jadeite.

"Are you going to eat that gingerbread?" Nephrite asked Kunzite.

He wasn't going to, but he didn't want Nephrite to have it so he ate the stale gingerbread.

"Why should we go out of our way to make Beryl enjoy Christmas?" Zoisite asked. "We don't even celebrate that here. Why should we care?"

"I guess you don't remember what happened last Christmas," Kunzite said, showing everyone a flash back.

* * *

It was Christmas morning in the Negaverse, one year ago.

"Good morning, Queen Beryl!" said Jadeite merrily, skipping into her throne room in a Santa hat. "Merry Christmas!"

Queen Beryl shot him with an energy blast and killed him.

Nephrite came in after Jadeite was obliterated. "Queen Beryl, you're going to like the decorations I put up!" he said, gesturing to a small Christmas tree he put near the door.

Queen Beryl lit it on fire. Nephrite began to sob. Queen Beryl lit Nephrite on fire. Nephrite and the tree were no more.

Kunzite and Zoisite were in their own castle, about to kiss under the mistletoe. But then they looked up, and realized the mistletoe had been replaced with a nuclear bomb. They exploded, as did their castle.

Queen Beryl admired her work, then left to furiously snap candy canes in half.

* * *

"Oh yeah how could I have forgotten that time I died again," Zoisite wondered. "Queen Metalia was pretty mad when she had to bring us back a third time."

"So you see why we have to make her not hate Christmas, right?" said Kunzite.

"Suuuuuuuure."

"Maybe we should just find the root of the problem and then-" began Nephrite, but he got cut off as they all warped to Beryl's throne room.

* * *

"Good, she's not here," said Jadeite.

"Where could she possibly be?" asked Zoisite. "Like where else does she have to go?"

"I don't know or care, because now we can DECORATE!" Jadeite said happily.

He set to hanging flashing lights all over her thrown. He replaced her crystal ball with an ornament. He hung a bunch of bows and wreaths on the Negaverse pillars all around their cave.

Kunzite and Zoisite struggled to set up a tree. By the time they could get real trees down there, they withered away and died. So they settled for a store bought tree. But then, they had to assemble it.

"These branches won't connect to the base!" Zoisite cried.

"You're supposed to stick them in these holes," Kunzite tried to explain, holding the directions upside down.

"THEY DON'T FIT!" Zoisite wailed.

Nephrite slowly and steadily cut out a bunch of paper snowflakes, to hang from the palace ceiling.

"Stop spending so much time on them," said Jadeite.

"NO!" Nephrite replied, offended. "Every snowflake is supposed to be unique. Paper snowflakes are no different!"

Kunzite and Zoisite had finally got the tree to stand up.

"It's lopsided," said Zoisite.

"No way," Kunzite disagreed.

"Look, it's like tilting way over in this direction," Zoisite told him.

Kunzite just shook his head. "Some of the best things in life tilt, like the Leaning Tower of Piza! And the Titanic!"

"You have a point," agreed Zoisite. He walked away from the tree, but it kept bugging him that it was slightly on an angle.

"I CAN'T TAKE IT!" he cried, running over to straighten it out. He gently nudged it to the other side, and all the branches fell off and all the pine needles fell off the branches.

"WAAAAA!"

Nephrite climbed up on a ladder to hang his snowflakes.

"Looking good!" Jadeite reassured him.

"Are you sure these are equally spaced?" Nephrite asked for the tenth time.

"Yes, Nephrite. I measured it out, just like you asked."

"Good, good, we're making progress," Nephrite said happily. "Now move my ladder over 3.5 more millimeters..." But Jadeite moved it over 3.6 millimeters and it toppled over, sending Nephrite flying.

Suddenly, a door swung open loudly.

"Grrr, Christmas sux!" Beryl yelled, stomping in because she thought she was alone.

"She's here!" Jadeite whispered loudly.

Kunzite snapped his fingers, and all the lights turned on.

"WTF IS THIS!?" screamed Queen Beryl.

"We decorated your throne room for Christmas!" they all said in unison. "Aren't you overjoyed?"

"WAAAA!" Beryl shouted furiously. She pulled out a large mallet, and started wacking the tree.

"Wait!" cried Kunzite. "You just balanced it out!"

She hit it again, causing it to disintegrate.

"Awww," Kunzite and Zoisite said sadly.

She shot fire up towards the ceiling, burning Nephrite's snowflakes, and causing them to fall down in a blizzard of flames.

"TAKE COVER!" yelled Jadeite.

"I CAN'T LEAVE MY SNOWFLAKES!" Nephrite cried.

But then Beryl began firing torpedos at them. They all had to flee, and they hid inside the giant present decoration.

Queen Beryl opened the present.

"Surprise..." said Nephrite, nervously. "You found us!

Queen Beryl flooded the box with lava. They all had to teleport away.

They appeared directly behind her, and she turned around.

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

Queen Beryl pulled out a giant sharpened candy cane, and charged them to kill them. But she suddenly stopped.

"Actually," she began, "It is I who have found a new source of energy!"

"How dare you!" said Jadeite. But then he shut up and looked away like he hadn't said anything.

She threw him in the lava.

"So anyway, I want you four to go around and take the Christmas presents of EVERY CHILD ON EARTH!"

"Why?!" Kunzite asked.

"BECAUSE I SAID SO! And because they will cry and be devastated, and then we will jump in and steal the energy of their sorrow!"

He cringed. "Ok! You didn't have to yell at me! :("

They went to start taking presents, went Queen Beryl stopped them.

"I've changed my mind. You fools are too incompetent for an important mission such as this. I'll just send my Youma army. Go sit in your rooms and think about what you did."

"But we didn't do anything!" cried Nephrite.

She threw Nephrite in the lava.

Then, she dragged the four of them into one room, that didn't belong to any of them, and locked them in to contemplate their actions.

"Ha," said Zoisite, after she left. "I still have my cellphone!"

Queen Beryl opened the door and took Zoisite's cellphone.

"Waaaa!"

"This sucks," said Jadeite. "It's Christmas Eve, and we're locked in here as Queen Beryl steals the presents of everyone on Earth!"

"Yeah," agreed Nephrite. "I mean we're evil, but not that evil!"

"Don't we want to destroy the world?" asked Zoisite.

"That's besides the point!" Jadeite cried passionately. "This isn't fair! Queen Beryl always ruins our Christmases, and now she's going to ruin everyone else's as well!"

"Just for once I wanted to have a nice Christmas with Molly," Nephrite complained.

"Screw Molly," said Zoisite.

"You know, Zoisite," said Kunzite. "I made plans for us to have Christmas dinner at a fancy restaurant, and then Beryl called them up and said we were too gay to make it and that they should charge us anyway but not serve us."

"SHE WAT!?" Zoisite cried. "That settles it. Let's go stop Beryl!"

"We can't just sabotage her," said Kunzite. "If Queen Metalia doesn't get any energy, she'll get all uppity and call me a loser again. And my ego can't take that."

"Maybe we can take another kind of energy from children!" suggested Jadeite.

They all huddled up, as Jadeite whispered the plan.

* * *

The four of them appeared at the first house.

"Time to stop Beryl's army from taking their presents!" Jadeite announced.

But it was already too late. All the presents were gone. The Youmas had left them a note that said "Lol rekt."

"Uh oh, it's too late," Nephrite realized.

"What a shame," said Zoisite.

They all warped home, defeated.

But as they walked towards the North Pole entrance to the Negaverse, they spotted a building in the distance.

"That wasn't there before," Kunzite stated plainly.

They rushed over to see what it was. It turned out to be Santa's Workshop!

"Should we go in?" Jadeite asked.

"I don't see why not," the others decided.

They marched up to the large entrance gate, and banged on the door.

Mrs. Claus answered. "Hello, aren't you those kids from across the street, who are always ending up on the naughty list?"

"There's no time for that!" yelled Nephrite. "Queen Beryl stole everyone's presents to make a bunch of kids cry! We need to bring them more presents, ASAP!"

"I'm sorry boys, but Santa already made his run around the world. He's all tired out," Mrs. Claus explained sadly.

"Oh," said Jadeite.

"I mean, technically, I suppose you guys could go do another gift run, but surely you're all too naughty to be that nice!"

"Wait a minute," began Zoisite. "If we do an act of kindness like this, would it be enough to get us off the naughty list?"

"That depends," Mrs. Claus said. "How many people have you killed/attempted to kill?"

"In this life time, or the last one?"

"Oh my," said Mrs. Claus. "Umm, I can't promise you that I could get you off of it, but I'll be sure to put in a good word!"

"Oh boy!" Zoisite said happily. "I haven't gotten a present from Santa since the Silver Millennium, back when I was one years old and too young to murder people!"

Kunzite frowned. "I never got one ever."

Jadeite perked up. "I got a present once! For doing so bad at killing the Sailors that Santa actually thought I was helping them! It was a Playstation 3!"

"I WANT A PS3!" Nephrite exclaimed. "Let's go deliver presents to the children of Earth!"

* * *

They hopped in the sleigh.

"Hey, why does Kunzite get to drive?" demanded Nephrite.

"Yeah, I think ol' Jadeite should have a go!" Jadeite suggested.

"How many of you guys have capes?" asked Kunzite.

"Uh..." said Nephrite.

"And also, how many of you guys are lords?" asked Kunzite.

"Uh..." said Jadeite. "Well that's kind of subjective..."

"Exactly. Now step aside," Kunzite said, taking the reigns.

"Wait!" said Jadeite. "You have to wear this!"

He put a fake beard on Kunzite, along with a Santa hat.

"Why?" Kunzite asked.

"Well, you already got the white hair going for you," Jadeite explained. "Now hop to it, we haven't got all night!"

Kunzite examined the magical reindeer. "Now how does this work..."

The reindeer took off suddenly, sending them all flying back into each other.

Jadeite flew back the furthest, almost knocking the bag of toys off the sleigh.

"Jadeite, you almost lost the toys!" Zoisite yelled at him.

"I almost just died there!" he moped. "But ohhhhh toooooys how sad!"

"Stop it you two," barked Kunzite. "I'm trying to drive."

"You're not driving at all. You're sitting in the front seat holding a whip while the reindeer fly randomly," Nephrite stated.

"Suck it, Nephrite," said Kunzite.

"Stop it you two," barked Zoisite. "I'm trying to beat down Jadeite."

They landed on the roof of the first house.

"Go ahead, Jadeite," said Kunzite.

"Why do I have to do all the work?" Jadeite complained

"Oh, I just thought you were the most competent, but I guess if you're not, then-"

"No no no I am," Jadeite objected, jumping down the chimney. Three seconds later, he cried, "WAAAAAAAA!"

He climbed back up, burnt to a crisp.

"The fire place was lit!" he cried.

"You know you could have just warped inside, right?"

"..."

Jadeite warped inside.

The other Shitennou sat on the roof making small talk for a good ten minutes, before they got impatient.

"What's taking him so long?" asked Zoisite.

"He probably got lost," Nephrite assumed.

"Maybe he died," said Kunzite.

Another ten minutes passed, and they finally decided to go looking for him.

When they all warped in, they saw Jadeite watching TV and eating the cookies the people had left for Santa.

"What are you doing, you dolt?" they asked him.

"These guys have so many channels!" he exclaimed. "Woah, they even have HBO! And the Sailor V Movie is on!"

"Ok, that's it," said Kunzite, knocking Jadeite to the floor.

"Gawsh, I was getting up," Jadeite pouted.

"Who brought the presents down?" asked Zoisite.

They all face palmed, and went back and got the presents.

"That wasn't too hard!" Nephrite declared, after they finished putting them under the tree. "Only two billion more houses to go!"

All through the night, they alternated dropping off presents. Soon, the sun was starting to rise.

"Ughghgfhghg," moaned Nephrite, exhausted. "Someone give me more coffee."

"I can't," Jadeite told him. "I accidentally gave the coffee machine to little Jimmy, instead of the baseball cards he wanted."

"Did that one hit?" Zoisite asked, after drowsily throwing a package down into someone's dumpster.

"Come on guys, keep it together!" Kunzite encouraged. "Only a few more to go!"

Next, they landed on top of the Tsukino household.

They all teleported inside, because this place was giving them good vibes, which was a bad thing for them.

They were about to leave, after having put down gifts for Usagi, Shingo, Chibiusa, and Chibi Chibi Tsukino, all oddly similar names minus Shingo, when a voice stopped them.

"Mamo-chan I told you my parents were home," Usagi muttered drearily, as she walked outside of her room in pajamas. She rubbed her eyes, and looked up.

"It's the Shitennou!" she cried. "Attacking innocent families on Christmas? That's sick, even for you guys!"

"No!" Jadeite cried, trying to protest. "We're Santa!"

"Yeah right, where's your jolly laugh?" Usagi asked.

"Ho ho ho," said Kunzite, furiously.

"That didn't sound jolly to me," said Usagi.

"Well it was," scowled Kunzite.

"And where's your big belly?" she asked.

"You know what let's just kill her," said Kunzite. "We'll still have had an almost perfect run!"

"But then this perfectly good Silver Crystal would have gone to waste!" Jadeite complained, holding out the Silver Crystal with a bow on it that they were supposed to deliver to her.

"Dang, you're right," said Zoisite.

"You got lucky this time, completely random and not at all familiar civilian girl," Nephrite told her, as they retreated.

"That was weird," said Usagi.

* * *

"A job well done," said Jadeite, as the four of them returned the sleigh and walked back over to the Dark Kingdom entrance.

They walked into Queen Beryl's thrown room, to see her pulling her hair out and screaming as she watched her crystal ball.

"Where are all the crying children!?" she screached. "Where is all the disappointment?! All these kids are happy! WHAT GIVES?!"

"Not to worry, my Queen," said Jadeite. "There is still energy to be had."

"WHAT?!" asked Queen Beryl. "Don't tell me you fools are responsible for this!"

"Oh, but we are," said Kunzite. "Just hear us out!"

"NEVER!" yelled Beryl, about to kill them.

"Queen Beryl," explained Nephrite. "The energy that you were trying to take was the wrong kind of energy. Negative energy is not as pure or as strong as the energy created by joy and happiness!"

"What are you blabbering on about!?" Beryl screamed.

"We don't know what happened to you to make you hate Christmas, but the reason you continue to hate it is because you're so bitter to everyone else who wants to enjoy themselves. You should want to make other people happy, instead of wanting to make them sad!" Jadeite added.

"Before you kill us," said Zoisite, "Just feel how good this positive energy is!"

Queen Beryl reluctantly tried out the energy of happiness that they had collected from bringing people Christmas presents.

"Woah baby!" she cried. "That does feel good! Maybe I've been trying to take the wrong kind of energy all along!"

"Really, Queen Beryl?" Jadeite asked gleefully.

"Yes, I want to make things right. You guys put so much effort into trying to make my Christmas good, so I want to return the favor!"

"Really, Queen Beryl?" Jadeite asked gleefully.

"Yes, really," she confirmed with a smile.

"Well that's really kind of you, Queen Be-"

"HAHA JUST KIDDING!"

Queen Beryl killed all of them. Then she burnt down the remaining snowflakes that Nephrite had made.

"I LOVE Christmas!" exclaimed Beryl.

FIN


	35. Queen Beryl Serves Time

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Quiet, and call in the other Shitennou!" Queen Beryl told him.

Nephrite and Zoisite appeared.

"What's all the hub bub, Beryl?" asked Nephrite, having appeared in his car.

Queen Beryl blew up his car. He grabbed a broken piece of car and sobbed.

"Where's Kunzite?" she demanded.

"Killing the Sailor Scouts!" Zoisite told her. "With Evil Prince Endymion."

* * *

This was it. Kunzite had all five Sailor Scouts completely tied up and unable to escape. He was holding their rainbow crystals in his hand.

"Hey pal!" said Evil Prince Endymion, appearing.

"Go away," said Kunzite. "I've already won!"

"Alright, fine!" said Evil Mamoru. "Just let me go get my things."

Kunzite waited. Evil Mamoru slowly walked behind the Sailor Scouts, and when Kunzite blinked, he cut the rope and freed them.

"HEY!" yelled Kunzite. "I saw that!"

"LELELELELE!" said Evil Mamoru, tripping and falling into Kunzite, knocking the rainbow crystals back into Sailor Moon's hands.

"QUIT SABOTAGING ME!" cried Kunzite.

"QUIT BRAINWASHING ME!" cried Evil Mamoru.

* * *

"What do you want anyway?" Zoisite asked Beryl.

"I just wanted to tell you all how disappointed I am with you."

"Gee, thanks!" said Jadeite.

"I think she's insulting us," Nephrite told him.

"Oh. Since she wasn't saying I was garbage and made her sick, I take this as kind of like a, 'you're getting better!'" Jadeite replied.

"The Sailor Scouts have six rainbow crystals, and we only have one!" Queen Beryl screamed at them.

"How did that happen!?" Zoisite cried. "I could have sworn I had gotten at least two!"

"Yes, you actually had four!" Beryl told him. "But Mamoru gave the Sailor Scouts the rest of them!"

"Oh come on!" Zoisite screamed. "He didn't even give them the crystals when he was good! Your brainwashing is terrible!"

"She brainwashed us pretty well," Jadeite commented.

"I'd never betray you Queen Beryl!" said Nephrite. "Now time to betray Beryl!"

"Same!" said Zoisite. "I mean... Me? Kill Mamoru? NEVER!"

"SILENCE!" screamed Queen Beryl. "I don't want to hear you any more!"

Nephrite coughed.

"SSSHHHHHH!" shushed Jadeite, loudly. "SHE DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR US ANY MORE!" he said in a loud whisper.

"OH, SORRY!" Nephrite whispered back, loudly.

"SHE TOLD YOU GUYS TO STOP TALKING!" whispered Zoisite. "BUT YOU'RE STILL TALKING!"

"NO, WE'RE WHISPERING!" screamed Nephrite, no longer whispering.

Queen Beryl screamed incoherently, silencing them all. "You know," she told them at last, "You guys are a bunch of dolts!"

"WOT!?" they asked in shock.

"You heard me!" she screamed.

"No, I actually didn't," said Zoisite. "Did you call us 'dolts?'"

"Yes, I did. Because you are dolts."

All three of them burst into laughter.

"WHAT'S SO FUNNY?!" she shouted at them.

Between laughter, they got out the word "DOLTS?! AHAHAHHAHAHAHAH!"

"THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE A JOKE! IT IS A PERFECTLY ACCURATE DESCRIPTION OF THE BUNCH OF YOU!" Beryl shrieked, getting ready to kill them.

"No, I like it," Nephrite said, calming down from his insane fit of laughter. "Hey Zoisite! You're a dolt!"

"Can it, dolt!" replied Zoisite.

"You two are such dolts!" Jadeite joined in.

"Jadeite, you dolt!" Nephrite told him.

"I'm not a dolt! The rest of you are dolts for calling me a dolt since I am, by no means, a dolt!" Jadeite replied.

"That's exactly what a dolt would say, dolt!" said Zoisite.

"CAAAAAN IT!" Queen Beryl screamed. "If you want to know the truth, I didn't mean to use the word 'dolt.' Shut up about it already."

"Wow, Queen Beryl," said Zoisite. "You're such a dolt."

Queen Beryl fired a laser at them but they quickly fled.

* * *

After leaving Beryl's lair, Jadeite went to duel the Sailor Scouts.

Queen Beryl decided to watch from her crystal ball to see Jadeite die.

"Hello, Sailors!" said Jadeite.

"Ugh," they sighed. "Jadeite, we don't have any more money to give you! Get a job!" they yelled.

"No! I have a job! It just doesn't pay me!" Jadeite said defiantely. "I just wanted to tell you, you're all a bunch of dolts!"

"A bunch of WHAT!?" they yelled, rolling on the floor in laughter.

He started laughing as well. "LOL, that's hilarious, isn't it?"

"YES! You just made our day with that one XD!" they cried, unable to breath.

Queen Beryl stomped her foot in fury.

Then, she saw Nephrite appear there.

"What are you doing?" he asked. "Jadeite, you dolt!"

"I'm just calling the Sailors a bunch of dolts!" said Jadeite.

"Come on, Jadeite! You're supposed to be fighting these dolts! Don't be such a dolt!"

"Hey guys," Sailor Moon interrupted. "Why are you bickering amongst yourselves instead of fighting us? That's a dolt move!"

"Usagi!" cried Rei. "Why did you use their awful insult?"

"It's addictive, you dolt!" Usagi responded.

"Screw you, dolt!" said Rei. "Hey, I like it! That's much better than GRANOLA BAR!"

"You called her a GRANOLA BAR?!" Jadeite asked, laughing. "What a dolt!"

"Hey, you floating dolts!" said Rei. "Are you going to come down and fight us?"

"Nah, only dolts come down and fight people," said Nephrite. "Go, Youma! Get those dolts!"

Queen Beryl had seen enough. She turned off her ball.

Suddenly her phone rang.

"Hello? Beryl residence, Beryl speaking. How may I help you?" she asked.

"Knock knock!" said the voice on the phone.

"Huh?" said Beryl.

"Say, 'who's there!'" the voice told her.

"Who's there?" asked Beryl.

"DOLT!" yelled Zoisite, hanging up.

"I'm calling the police!" Queen Beryl screamed into the phone, although there was no longer anyone on the line.

The phone rang again.

"I'm calling the police!" she repeated. "Don't call here again!"

"This is the police!" Zoisite said between hysterical laughter. "We're arresting you for being a dolt!"

"You're the not the police! You think I'm kidding!?" Beryl shrieked.

"DOLT!"

Queen Beryl slammed down the phone, and called the actual police. "They think I'm bluffing, they'll see!" she said as the police put her on hold.

There was a knock on the door.

"Wow, that was fast!" Beryl applauded. "I didn't even get through to the non-emergency line yet, and they're already here!"

She opened the door to see two officers.

"Hello, officers. I have been receiving calls from an unknown caller, and they have been repeatedly calling me rude terms. Will you be able to trace who keeps calling me?"

"Why, yes," said the cop, "But what was the rude term they called you?"

"Well..." said Queen Beryl. "Is that really necessary?"

"Absolutely," said the other cop. "100%"

"Fine then. They called me a dolt."

"A WHAT!?" they both cried, falling over laughing.

"A DOLT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!"

The police officers took off their mustaches and hats, revealing that they were Jadeite and Nephrite.

"You must have been a dolt to have been called a dolt!" Nephrite stated.

"What kind of dolt calls the police over that?!" Jadeite asked. "DOLT!"

Queen Beryl started sputtering and foaming at the mouth.

Then, a real cop car pulled up. A female officer came to the door.

"Excuse me ma'am, are these two imposters causing you trouble?" she asked.

"Yes!" cried Beryl. "Take them away!"

The officer arrested Nephrite and Jadeite.

Three days later, Queen Beryl figured it was finally time to bail them out.

She walked down to the police station.

The officer that had arrested them greeted her at the front desk.

"I am here to post bail," Beryl told her. "For those dimwits!"

"You mean dolts?" asked the officer, snickering.

"Well, I suppose that would be a- wait a minute!" Queen Beryl yelled, trying to take off the officer's hat.

"Hold up there! Just pay the bail and I'll let them go!" the officer said.

"Fine," said Beryl.

"Thanks for the twenty!" said Zoisite, ripping off his disguise and running away.

Jadeite and Nephrite laughed from behind bars. "WHAT A DOLT!"

Queen Beryl ran over to their cell, and tried to hit them. But they moved to the back so she couldn't reach.

An officer came up behind her. "What are you doing, dolt?" he asked.

Queen Beryl turned around furiously. "Zoisite, you dolt!" she cried, slugging the officer.

His hat fell off and it wasn't Zoisite. She knew she was done for.

Queen Beryl spent a month in prison. It gave her time to cool down.

When she got back to the Negaverse, she called a meeting.

Jadeite, Nephrite, and Zoisite gathered in the meeting room.

"Where's Kunzite this time?" Beryl asked.

"Still fighting the Sailors," Zoisite informed her.

* * *

Kunzite had all of the Sailor Scouts in a bubble. There was no way out.

"You're done for now!" said Kunzite. "Just three more seconds, and you'll be crushed to death!"

"3... 2..."

Evil Mamoru threw a rose, and it hit him in the hands and destroyed the bubble.

Mamoru turned and made a hasty retreat.

"I SAW THAT!" screamed Kunzite.

"LOL!" said the Sailors.

* * *

"Anyway," Queen Beryl began. "Due to recent incidents, I am hereby banning the use of the word 'dolt!'"

"We can't say, 'dolt?'" asked Jadeite.

"Yes!" cried Beryl. "Stop saying it!"

"What kind of dolt would make you have to ban that word?" Nephrite asked.

"Probably you, you dolt!" said Zoisite.

"SILENCE!" screamed Beryl. "The next person who says 'dolt' will be killed on the spots. Do you understand?"

They all nodded.

Kunzite appeared suddenly. "Sorry I'm late, Queen Beryl. I was busy being sabotaged by Evil Mamoru. That guy sure is a dolt!"

Queen Beryl ended Kunzite.

"Man, what a dolt," said Jadeite, as Zoisite sobbed in the corner.

FIN


	36. Shingo Strikes Out

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"What is it, Jadeite?" Queen Beryl asked.

"It's brilliant, you see-"

"HALT!" yelled Kunzite appearing suddenly.

"Kunzite?" Queen Beryl asked. "I thought you were above new sources of energy. Why have you fallen so far?"

"Hey!" yelled Jadeite.

"I have a new source of getting the Silver Crystal from Sailor Moon!" Kunzite announced.

"What is it, Kunzite?" asked Beryl.

"My research staff has discovered that Sailor Moon is this girl named Usagi Tsukino!"

"Wow, amazing!" said Beryl. "Jadeite, why didn't you figure that out, you dolt?"

"I DID!" cried Jadeite. "BUT THEN YOU KILLED ME!"

"I'm tired of your excuses!" screamed Beryl. "Sleep eternally!"

She put Jadeite in a five minute eternal sleep.

"So, Kunzite, are you going to go to her house and steal the crystal while she's asleep?" Queen Beryl asked.

"Don't be ridiculous!" exclaimed Kunzite. "We are going to kidnap her brother, Shingo, and force her to pay a ransom. The ransom will be... THE SILVER CRYSTAL!"

"WOAH!" said Queen Beryl. "Brilliant!"

"I know, right!" agreed Kunzite.

"Maybe we should think about this, though," said Beryl.

"Too late!" Kunzite told her. "We already kidnapped him!"

Zoisite teleported in with Shingo and dropped him on the ground.

"Who's this old bag over here?" Shingo asked, playing his Nintendo DS.

Zoisite smacked him on the head. "That's Queen Beryl! Show some respect!"

"Why?" asked Shingo. "What's she the queen of, anyway?"

"The Dark Kingdom!"

"Never heard of 'em. Are they some mediocre boy band?"

"NO!" cried Zoisite. "Well..."

"I'M HUNGRY!" yelled Shingo.

"Shut up, child!"

"Why do you look like a girl?" asked Shingo.

"Queen Beryl, can I kill the hostage?" asked Zoisite.

"Absolutely not!" said Beryl. "Not until I have the Silver Crystal in my grasp!"

"Gosh darn."

"Come on let's go get it then," said Kunzite.

"Go bleach your roots, creep!" yelled Shingo.

* * *

Sailor Moon sat in her living room, looking at her huge flat screen television. But suddenly, Zoisite appeared on the screen.

"It's me, ZOIIIIISIIIIIITE!"

"Yuck, I hate this channel!" said Usagi, flipping the station and turning off Zoisite.

Zoisite appeared on the next channel.

"Nice try, buster!" he said.

Usagi changed the channel again.

"Stop it!" cried Zoisite, appearing on the Nature channel and getting mauled by lions.

Usagi switched to the Sailor V show. Zoisite appeared there.

"Venus Crescent Beam!" yelled Sailor V, attacking Zoisite on screen.

"OWOWOWO!"

Then Usagi turned on the Science channel.

Zoisite floated through space, screaming at her, but sound didn't travel in space.

Then a supernova went off.

"Finally, some peace," said Usagi, turning on her favorite Soap Opera.

But unfortunately, Zoisite appeared again, blocking the best scene.

"Fine!" cried Usagi. "What do you want!?"

"We have stolen your brother, Shingo!"

"Who?" Usagi asked.

"If you ever want to see him again, take the Silver Crystal and meet us at the Tokyo Tower!"

"Nah, I'm good," said Usagi.

"WOT!?" cried Zoisite.

"I don't even know who you're talking about! The only sibling I have is Chibi-usa, and later, Chibi Chibi!"

"You have a brother, Shingo!"

"Hey loser Usagi," said Shingo from behind the camera.

"Oh, that kid. I haven't seen him since season 2. You can keep him!"

"WOT!?"

"And while you're at it, take my cat, Luna!" Usagi begged, holding Luna up to the screen and smushing her face into the TV.

"HEY!" cried Luna. She clawed up Usagi's face.

"See what I mean?"

"Usagi, you are a dumpster!" yelled Shingo through the screen. He saw Luna in the room, and went to kick her. But he kicked the camera, disconnecting Zoisite's stream and stranding him in a soap opera.

"Ewww straight people!" he cried, flying away.

* * *

They appeared before Queen Beryl.

"Queen Beryl," said Kunzite.

"Oh boy," said Beryl, exasperated. "What did you doofuses do this time?"

"There has been some minor complications," said Kunzite.

"Aww, am I going to have to kill Zoisite again?" asked Queen Beryl.

"No no no!" objected Kunzite.

"Too late," said Beryl.

Zoisite flew away, but Queen Beryl sniped him down.

"Oof!" cried Zoisite.

"NUUUuuuuuuUUU!" sobbed Kunzite.

"Wait no I'm not dead yet," said Zoisite.

"Oh good," said Shingo, kicking Zoisite while he was down. "Are you dead now?"

"Why is he still here?" asked Beryl, as Kunzite tried to pry Shingo from kicking Zoisite like he kicked Luna.

"Well you see," said Kunzite. "Our plan was flop."

"Again?" asked Beryl. "Looks like ima have to kill Zoisite!"

"STOP!" said Kunzite.

"You should kill that queer Nephrite," suggested Shingo.

Nephrite appeared. "Who requested me dead this time?"

"I did, you fatass!" said Shingo.

"WOAH!" said Nephrite. "Calm down there, squirt!"

Queen Beryl just laughed. "Good one, Shingo!"

"Shut your trap, you walking tombstone!" yelled Shingo.

Queen Beryl gasped. She looked very offended.

"Can we kill it yet?" Kunzite tried again.

"No!" said Beryl, although she wanted to. "The police will be looking for him, and we don't want any more law suits after us!"

"What other law suits do we have?" Kunzited asked.

"Let's just say we're not allowed in any more McDonalds!"

"Aww, but I wanted to try their new Angus Third Pounder!" whined Nephrite.

"You don't need any more angus," said Shingo.

"LOL!" said Beryl.

"I wouldn't be laughing if I had your thighs," Shingo told her.

"TAKE THAT IMPUDENT CLOD OUT OF MY SIGHT!" demanded Beryl.

"But where are we supposed to take it?" asked Kunzite.

"Anywhere but here!" Beryl scolded. "You goofballs stole him, he's your problem now."

Kunzite sighed and warped them back to his castle.

"Oh boy!" said Shingo. "Toys!"

He ran over to Zoisite's china cabinet and started juggling the china, but dropped it all.

"HAHAHAHA WHOOPS!"

"WAAAAA!" cried Zoisite.

"I call this room!" yelled Shingo, nabbing the only bedroom. "This is my new crib! You can sleep on the floor, like a dog!"

He started jumping on the bed.

"NO!" cried Kunzite. "I like my bed firm! You're ruining my side of the mattress!"

"Wait," said Shingo. "Why is there only one king-sized bed in this whole castle? Do you sleep together? Are you two a buncha queers?"

"We prefer homosexuals," said Zoisite.

"FAGS!"

"HEY!" they yelled at him.

"What's this?" asked Shingo, grabbing a picture of them that was on their nightstand.

"No, that's my favorite photo!" cried Zoisite.

Shingo flushed it down the toilet.

"THAT'S IT!" he yelled.

He put Shingo in a cage and locked it.

"Now you stay here and keep your mouth shut!"

"FAG!"

Zoisite left the room. They tried to get some sleep, but Kunzite couldn't sleep because the bed was no longer firm enough.

He went downstairs to get a snack, but when he got down, the fridge was empty.

He heard loud noises coming from the living room.

Shingo lay in a fort made out of their furniture and Zoisite's broken china.

"HEY!" Kunzite yelled. "How did you get out of your cage?"

"Not important," said Shingo.

"Get back in there right now! And put our furniture back!" ordered Kunzite.

"Fat chance, fagbo!" yelled Shingo.

"Fine, then I'll come over there and make you!" yelled Kunzite.

He charged Shingo, but got his foot stuck in a mouse trap. "GAH!" he cried, as he fell back into more mouse traps. He jumped all around the room as mouse traps closed on him, finally falling out a window Shingo had left open.

Kunzite fell into the abyss of despair outside his castle.

"REKT m9!" said Shingo. He turned up the YouTube video he was watching, which was just Kunzite and Zoisite's death scenes in a ten hour loop.

Zoisite came downstairs. "What's all the rucus? Where's Kunzite?"

"About six feet under," estimated Shingo.

"Under what?"

"Fag!" yelled Shingo.

"Alright, that's enough!" said Zoisite. "I don't have to babysit you! I'll just kill you!"

"That's not what your boss said you could do," Shingo laughed. "Do you want to get killed again?"

Zoisite knew Shingo had him cornered. "Fine, I'll punish you in the only way I see fit!" he said.

He warped him into Nephrite's bed.

Nephrite rolled over in his sleep.

"Hiya," said Shingo.

Nephrite opened his eyes and saw him. "WAAAAAAA!"

He ran downstairs.

Shingo followed him with a towel, whipping him.

"OUCH!" cried Nephrite. Shingo just laughed.

Nephrite finally regained composure.

He put Shingo down on the sofa.

"Don't move!" he told him. "And whatever you do, don't go in the back room!"

Nephrite turned on some cartoons for Shingo and tried to go back to sleep.

Shingo went straight to the back room, which was Nephrite's observatory.

"This place is gay," said Shingo.

"We are the stars, we know all!" said the stars.

"You know all, eh?" said Shingo. "Everything I tell you is a lie. Was that last sentence a lie?"

"Uhh..." said the stars, beginning to sputter.

"Come on, dumbasses! You know all!"

"Duh..." the stars short circuited.

Nephrite came dashing in in his one piece pajamas.

"WHAT DID YOU DO!?" he cried.

"I think I broke your pet," laughed Shingo.

"NOOOOUUUOUUOUOU!" Nephrite sobbed.

Shingo went into the fridge and started pulling stuff out.

He drank directly from the milk carton.

"NOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUU!" Nephrite sobbed.

He pulled out Nephrite's eggs to egg him with, but when he opened the carton there was a note.

"I borrowed a few eggs for a cake, Love, Zoisite~"

"Dang," said Shingo. "I'll have to slug that queer next time I see him!"

Nephrite tried to pull Shingo out of his fridge.

But Shingo bit him, and grabbed his 1200 dollar bottle of wine from the Silver Millennium.

"DON't YOU DO IT!" screamed Nephrite.

Shingo looked him in the eyes and dropped it. It shattered and the wine spilled everywhere. "Oops!"

"WA!"

Shingo ran into Nephrite's wine cellar and started smashing everything.

"STOP!" Nephrite screamed. "You've ruined tomorrow's drinking supply! That is unforgivable!"

"You know what's unforgivable?" asked Shingo. "Your hair! LOL!"

"WHAT!?"

"Can you spell, Alcoholics Anonymous?"

"THAT. IS. IT!" Nephrite shouted. He grabbed Shingo by the hair and TP'd to the outside of Jadeite's one room apartment.

He banged on the door and warped away.

Jadeite opened his door and saw a forlone Shingo in a basket.

"Aww, hey little boy!" said Jadeite. "I was left on Queen Beryl's doorstep as a wee lad, so I understand what it must feel like to be-"

"I think I hate this one the most," said Shingo.

"Come in and have some tea!" encouraged Jadeite. Jadeite poured him a cup of tea.

Shingo threw it in Jadeite's face.

"Tastes like shit!" he yelled.

Jadeite gasped.

Shingo ran into Jadeite's single closet. "How old are you that you're still single?" he asked.

"Well technically I'm 1018, but-"

"LOOOOOOOSEEEEEEEEER!"

"Well, you don't have a girlfriend either!" said Jadeite.

"But I'm like 10!" said Shingo. "And I do have a girlfriend, wanna meet her?"

"Yes, I do!" said Jadeite, calling his bluff.

But Shingo brought them to that girl with the dolls.

"Hey Shingo!" she said happily, giving him a kiss.

Jadeite fell down in despair.

Shingo ran into her room and broke her dolls. "Cya, baby!" he said, smacking Jadeite and making them TP to the mall.

"BUY ME COOKIES!" screamed Shingo.

"NO!" said Jadeite. "I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE THIS!"

"QUEEN BERYL SAID YOU DO! AND QUEEN BERYL ALSO SAID YOU ARE A DEADBEAT!"

Jadeite gasped. "NOOOOO!"

They went back to Jadeite's apartment after Shingo ran out of Jadeite's money.

"I call this apartment," said Shingo. "You can sleep in the hall."

Jadeite curled up in a blanket outside.

"I'll take that," said Shingo, snatching the blanket and closing the door.

Jadeite lay shivering. "I have to do something!"

He went around to climb up through the window.

"Almost there..." he said at the top of the ladder.

When he opened the window, he saw Shingo take all of his bottle cap collection and throw it in a garbage bag. He threw the bag out the window, knocking over Jadeite's ladder and sending him and the bottle caps into a dumpster.

Shingo called a garbage truck, and it came by and took Jadeite and his bottle cap collection to the junk yard.

At the junk yard, he ran into Kunzite, who was climbing to his feet.

"So this is what's outside my castle," said Kunzite, limping.

Suddenly, they realized they were standing on a conveyer belt.

Jadeite tried to run, but he got knocked over by a pile of moving garbage. Kunzite was trapped in Nephrite's car, which Shingo had thrown out. They got pulled into the trash compactor.

"But who turned this thing on at such a late hour!?" cried Jadeite.

They looked up and saw Shingo operating the machine. "LOL!"

He pushed the button to crush them. They teleported away at the last second.

They all met in the ladies' room, the only place they were safe from Shingo.

"We need to do something," said Kunzite. "This has gotten out of hand."

He was all bandaged up and his arm was in a sling.

"But what?" asked Zoisite.

There was a knock on the door.

"It's Shingo!" Jadeite cried.

"He won't leave us alone!" sobbed Nephrite. "We have to end this!"

The door swung open and they all charged. They threw many punches, but when nothing happened, Jadeite looked up. His face turned pale when he saw an uninjured yet furious Queen Beryl.

"Heya Queen Beryl!" he tried.

"WHY ARE YOU IN THE LADIES' ROOM AGAIN?!" she shouted, pulverizing them all.

* * *

There was a knock on Usagi's door, but she tried to ignore it.

But it wouldn't let up.

"Ugh," she said. "Is there an even younger little girl from another time that I have to babysit?" she asked.

She opened the door and all four Shitennou got on their knees.

"What do you bozos want?" she asked.

"PLEASE TAKE YOUR BROTHER BACK!" they begged.

"Eww, no!" said Usagi.

"PLEASE! WE'LL DO ANYTHING!"

"Anything...?" she asked.

"YES!" they cried.

* * *

"No more!" begged Jadeite, as Chibi-usa shaved some more hair off his head.

"LOSER!" she yelled.

"Where did all the stars go!?" asked Nephrite, panicked.

"I lit them on fire!" Chibi-usa told him. "Just like Zoisite's hair!"

Zoisite was sobbing in the corner.

"WHERE IS MY CAPE!?" demanded Kunzite.

"I'm using it as a diaper for Chibi Chibi!" Chibi-usa said.

"She's even worse than Shingo!" sobbed Jadeite.

"WHY DID WE AGREE TO BABYSIT THIS DEMON!?" Zoisite wailed. "I WOULDN'T WISH THIS ON ANYONE, NOT EVEN MAMORU!"

"It was the only way to get Usagi to take Shingo back!" Kunzite explained.

"Are you sure we're better off now?" asked Nephrite, as Chibi-usa burnt down his mansion and stabbed him.

"I HATE KIDS!" they all yelled in unison, standing in the ashes of Nephrite's house as Chibi-usa laughed and called them fags.

The End.


	37. Nephrite Runs: A New Year's Special

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"We don't have time for that, Jadeite!" cried Queen Beryl. "The ball's about to drop!"

"Hehehe balls dropping," laughed Zoisite.

"Silence Zoisite or I'll kill you," Beryl scolded.

"Yes me Queen."

"OK GUYS TIME TO COUNT DOWN!" Beryl said happily.

She had gathered all the Shitennou in her throne room and they were watching the ball drop on the big screen TV.

"10...9...8..." began Queen Beryl.

"70!" yelled Jadeite.

"69!" yelled Nephrite.

"Tee hee 69!" Zoisite commented.

"4," said Kunzite.

"COUNT PROPERLY YOU DUNCES!" Queen Beryl yelled.

"Wait what number were we at?" asked Jadeite.

"HAPPY NEW YEARS!" went the TV.

"Gosh darn it we missed it again," said Nephrite.

"There's always next year," said Kunzite.

"Idk, Beryl's been pretty hostile lately," noted Zoisite.

"Actually, that's what I gathered you here to tell you about," said Queen Beryl.

"Uh oh," said Jadeite. "This is where my story ends!"

"It has come to my attention as of lately that no one would really care if I were to die!" Beryl said sadly.

"WHAT!?" Jadeite gasped in shock, as he sawed out a coffin for Queen Beryl.

"Don't be ridiculous!" Nephrite exclaimed, while engraving the words "RIP BERYL, She won't be missed," on a tombstone.

"Yeah!" agreed Zoisite, digging out a grave with a shovel.

"Hey," said Kunzite. "What flavor icing do you want on the 'Hallelujah, Beryl is gone!' cake?"

"STOP IT!" screamed Beryl. "Because I can tell how you feel about me, my New Year's resolution will be to be a nicer person!"

"LOL SURE!" laughed Zoisite. "Why don't you do something you can actually stick to? Like taking over the world- oh wait!"

"WHY YOU LITTLE-" Beryl went to kill Zoisite, but remembered her resolution. "Deep breaths," she told herself. "What I meant to say was, I value your opinion, Zoisite, and you're a good member of the team!"

Zoisite just laughed.

"If you think it's so funny, I'd like to see you stick to your New Year's resolution!" Nephrite challenged.

"HEY! I never made a New Year's resolution, so there's nothing for me to stick to!" Zoisite replied.

"Yeah, because you knew you could never stick to it! If I made one, I would stick to it, no doubt!" Nephrite said confidently.

"You're on, pal!" Zoisite declared.

"Nephrite, you're resolution should be to stop drinking," Kunzite told him.

"WHAT!?" Nephrite cried, spitting out his liquor. "D'aww, but I was just going to make my resolution not to cross over to the good side. Surely I wouldn't run into any difficulties with that one!"

"Sounds like you just have no self control."

"Suck it, Kunzite!"

"One of your resolutions should be to not always say, 'suck it!'" said Beryl.

"Suck it, Beryl!" they all said in unison.

"Mine will be to never be friends with Nephrite!" Zoisite decided.

"That's too easy!" said Nephrite. "Yours should be to always fight fairly!"

"WHAT?!" Zoisite cried. "I always fight fairly!" he said, forming a crystal behind Nephrite.

"I saw that!" he said turning around.

"Aww nuts, he's learned all my tricks!"

"I wanna play too!" said Jadeite. "What should my resolution be?"

"Stop being such a dolt," suggested Zoisite.

"Stop it with the terrible schemes," suggested Beryl.

"I thought you're supposed to be nice!" Jadeite cried.

"Honesty is the nicest gift I can give," Beryl told him.

"I know!" said Jadeite. "I'll finally write that fanfiction I've been dreaming of! One chapter a day!"

"Sure sure," they agreed.

"What should mine be?" Kunzite asked.

"Go a full year without telling me what people used to do on the Moon Kingdom!" Queen Beryl told him.

"What?" Kunzite asked in shock. "I never say that!"

"Yes you do!" said all the Shitennou.

"No way! Oh, and I just remembered, the moon princess used to like to ride her bicycle on Tuesdays!" Then he realized his mistake. "Shit! I wasn't ready! Restart, restart!"

Evil Endymion appeared in a flash. "What can my New Year's resolution be?"

"Be me lover be my friend!" Beryl suggested.

"Umm... anything better?"

"How about you try to not blatantly sabotage the Negaverse?" Kunzite suggested.

"Aww nuts, that's only a little bit easier than being with Beryl. But I'll do it!" Endymion agreed.

They all set out to go about their lives, all not wanting to be the first to break their resolutions.

* * *

"Alright, time to get down to business!" said Jadeite, sitting at his computer.

"Now what should my fanfiction be about? I know, the Shitennou! I'm very familiar with them!"

He stared longingly at his blank Microsoft Word document.

"Hmm... It's New Year's... I can do a Shitennou New Year's story... but where could I possibly go with that?"

"The..." he typed out. "No no, that wil never do," he said, backspacing.

"'Queen Beryl!' yelled Jadeite. 'I found a new source of energy!'"

But then he highlighted it all and erased it. "Nah, too redundant."

His stomache rumbled. "I can't write on an empty stomache!"

He made himself a sandwich.

He ate the sandwich.

"Hmm, this would make for a good story!" he thought.

"Jadeite made himself a sandwich. He ate the sandwich," Jadeite wrote.

"No, that's awful," he decided.

"Hmm, I can't have a fanfiction without a cover image! I know, I'll make a picture of Jadeite on New Year's for the cover pic! Then I'll start writing!"

Jadeite continued to procrastinate into the late hours of the night.

* * *

Nephrite walked down the Dark Kingdom hallway, as jazz music played.

"Can't... think... about... alcohol..." he told himself repeatedly, thus thinking about alcohol.

"I know, I'll go down to Earth to get my mind off things!"

He put on his Maxfield Stanton disguise, and headed down. He strolled down the street, the jazz music picking up tempo.

"Maybe I'll check out a store or two!"

He looked over to see what stores were around.

"Jimmy Bob's Beer!" read one store. "Liquors R Us!" read another.

Nephrite started running. "LEAVE ME ALONE!"

He ran smack into a bar.

"Want me to pour you a shot?" asked the bartender.

"WAAAA!" he screamed, running the other direction.

He slipped and fell on a homeless man. The homeless man's beer flew into Nephrite's mouth.

"WAAAA!" he cried, spitting it out.

He ran into his mansion and slammed the door, closing all the locks.

But then he remembered his liquor stash. He ran back out and hid in his car.

"I know I don't have any liquor in here," he said out loud. "I wouldn't want to get pulled over for drunk driving again!"

But then Zoisite appeared, and filled the car with liquor.

"NOOOOOOO!" he screamed, putting the peddle to the meddle.

He couldn't see though, because of all the alcohol. He drove straight into a police station wall, and all the bottles shattered upon impact.

The officer opened the door, and liquor poured out.

"Sir, have you been drinking tonight?" the officer asked.

"It's not what it looks like!" Nephrite cried.

But it looked like what it looked like, so Nephrite was thrown in a jail cell.

"What a relief," he said after getting over his initial fears. "Now I'm trapped in this jail cell where I can't come in contact with any liquor."

His cell mate looked over at him. "Want some toilet wine?"

"NUUUUUUU!"

* * *

Zoisite sat in his living room, lol'ing at Nephrite.

"If I don't leave my house today, I won't get in any fight which I will be forced to fight fairly in!"

But then Mamoru appeared on his TV screen.

"HEY!" he yelled. "You can't do that! This isn't a two way thing here!"

"Screw you I'm kind of sort of not really evil!" said Mamoru. "Now we were set to duel for the rainbow crystals tonight, and you're already five minutes late!"

"Uh oh," said Zoisite. "If I don't go, he'll think I'm a weakling. But if I do go, Ima get a beat down since I can't cheat!"

He was very conflicted. "Nah I can beat Mamoru eZ," he decided.

He appeared at the battle. Mamoru, knowing of his resolution to fight fair, put his crystals in the middle.

Zoisite fell to the ground and sobbed. "HE'D BE SO EASY TO TRICK! WAAAAA!"

"Put yours in the middle!" said Mamoru.

Zoisite crawled to the middle, barely able to go through with it.

"HAHAHAH SUCKER!" said Evil Mamoru, taking the crystals.

"WAT!?" cried Zoisite. "NUUUUUUUUU!"

"You'll have to fight me if you want them back!" said Mamoru.

"Dammit!"

Zoisite charged him with petals. But because of his evil new power-up, they had no affect.

Out of old habit, he spawned a crystal behind Mamoru.

"HEY NOW!" said Mamoru.

"DAMMIT!"

Zoisite fell on the floor and curled up in a ball. "I CAN'T DO THIS! IT's TOO PAINFUL!"

Zoisite shot petals in Mamoru's eyes.

While he was blinded, he tried to stab him.

"Uh uh uh," said Mamoru. "That's no fair!"

Zoisite fell back in a ball.

"Oh yeah," said Evil Mamoru. "Also I brought my friends to help back me up! Because it would be dumb to do a 1v1 when I don't have to!"

The five inner Sailors appeared, then the four outer Sailors, then the Starlights, then Chibi-usa, then Chibi Chibi, then the Sailor Quartet, then Pegasus, then Nephrite.

Zoisite looked up and knew he was done for. He got jumped by the bunch of them.

"YOU GUYS SUUUUUUCK!" he cried.

* * *

Kunzite sat in his room looking through an old picture album of the Silver Millennium.

"Oh yeah!" he reminisced. "The Moon Princess used to love to play jacks with her- NOOOO!"

He left the house to get his mind off the Moon Princess.

He walked passed an evil fountain. "Back in the Moon Kingdom, fountains used to be the- NOOOOOOOO!"

He took off running. He finally sat down on an evil bench. "I remember when the Senshi used to use benches to- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

He jumped off a cliff. As he fell he remembered that one time the Moon Princess was on a cliff and then- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

He finally hit the ground and was knocked unconscious.

* * *

"Whelp, back to the old grind!" said Evil Mamoru. "Now to blatantly sabotage the- wait, oh no!"

It was too late to turn back though, for he was already facing the Sailors.

The Youma was about to deliver a fatal blow.

"MUST... NOT... SABOTAGE!" he cried. "Y U NO BRAINWASH ME BETTER!?"

But luckily, Sailor Uranus and Sailor Neptune came to the rescue.

"Woah, why are you guys in town in season one?" asked Sailor Moon.

"We were just beating up this one guy and we thought we'd stop by at the exact moment you were about to die. Nice coincidence, huh?"

"Yeah," agreed Sailor Moon. "Too bad there was no one willing to sabotage to save us!"

"Let's go swimming!" said Sailor Neptune.

"Ok!" said Sailor Moon.

They all jumped in a pool.

"Wait!" cried Sailor Moon. "I don't know how to swim :O"

She clung to the edge. "Aww, now I can't have fun with my friends!"

Mamoru couldn't take it any more. He had to teach Sailor Moon how to swim, evil or not evil.

He jumped into his swim trunks and leapt in the pool. "Here ya go!" he said, teaching her to swim.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" cried Beryl, watching on her ball.

In her fury, she called all the Shitennou home.

"What happened to you, Zoisite?" asked Queen Beryl.

"Queen Beryl, I couldn't do it!" he cried. "They were all beating me down! And then, I saw one of their wallets, and I couldn't resist. I stole Sailor Mars's debit card and made the bank call her because she was out of funds. It was the only way to escape the beat down!"

"I'm disappointed in you, Zoisite," said Queen Beryl, trying not to rage.

"Queen Beryl, I have failed as well," admitted Jadeite. "I JUST COULDN't DO IT! THE WRITER'S BLOCK! IT BUUUUUUURNED!"

"I'm disappointed in you as well, Jadeite," said Beryl, still trying to keep her cool.

"Urrnrhngyunbnnbjdkef," slurred Nephrite incoherently. The bottles of liquor he was clutching spoke for themselves.

"You guys should be ashamed," said Queen Beryl. "Kunzite, you are the only one with any self control! I should take you out for ice cream!"

"Ice cream was a favorite food of the Princess's guardians, back in the Silver Millennium!" Kunzite told her. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Queen Beryl was getting angry. She didn't know how much more stupidity she could take.

"Queen Beryl I taught Sailor Moon how to swim and ice skate," said Evil Mamoru.

"You're... too much of a hunkster... to anger me..." struggled Beryl.

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"THAT IS IT!" Queen Beryl yelled, snapping. "SINCE NONE OF YOU DOLTS STUCK TO YOUR RESOLUTIONS, WHY SHOULD I!? DOLTS! DOLTS! DOLTS! DOLTS! DOLTS!" she spammed. "DOLTS!"

"I think it's broken," said Jadeite, concerned.

"Should old aquantaince be forgot and never brought to mind!" Nephrite began to drunkenly sing.

The rest joined in. "For ault lang sine, bla bla, we don't the lyrics, bla bla and a happy New Year!"

THE END


	38. Zoisite Takes A Self-Defense Class

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Oh boy did you?!" Queen Beryl asked excitedly. "Tell me more!"

"Well you see, the humans do this thing called-"

"Shut up I don't care!" barked Berly.

"Awww!" moped Jadeite trudging away with his head down.

Suddenly, Zoisite entered the room.

"QUEEEEEN BERRRRYLLLLL I'M BORED!" cried Zoisite.

"Wut?"

"It's taking so long for you to kill Jadeite! I wanna be put in the game, coach!"

"There is something you can do for me..." said Beryl.

"Ye?" Zoisite asked happily.

"Go buy some groceries!" Beryl tossed a grocery list at Zoisite. "Now go away, I need to rub my ball."

"Aww shucks!" said Zoisite.

* * *

"Ugh why did Nephrite need so much alcohol?" complained Zoisite to himself as he lugged his heavy bags of groceries and alcohol... mostly alcohol.

Zoisite spotted a dark alley and decided it would be faster to go through it.

He crept along the dark alley and almost had a heart attack when a cat lept out of the dumpster.

Zoisite started screaming but calmed down when he saw it was just a cat.

"Geeze what got into you?" asked Luna.

"Scram you pest!" yelled Zoisite throwing a can of Jadeite's chicken noodle soup at it.

Luna scattered and Zoisite continued his long scary walk through the dark alley.

"FORK OVER ALL YOUR MONEY!" yelled a loud voice from behind Zoisite.

Zoisite dropped the bags and started screaming like a little girl.

Behind him was none other than Rubeus from season 2 accompanied by Saphir and Esmerada and Prince Demande.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT!" sobbed Zoisite.

"All yo money!" said Diamond

"And your grocercies" said Saphir

"And your dignity!" said Esemrear mem me

"Fine but most of the groceries are alcohol..."

"Yay! That'll keep me busy for most of season 2!" said Diamond

"Here and take this too!" said Zoisite still crying

"What's this?" asked Esmeradadada

"My car keys!"

"That really won't be necessery..."

"And this too!"

"What's this?"

"Nephrite's credit card!"

"Ok we should really be going..." the Black Moon Clan said

"Wait I have more stuff to give you back at my castle if you just wait here..."

"Nah we really need to go thanks tho"

"Ok cya" said Zoisite.

"One more thing"

"Ye?"

Diamond turned and shot a laser blast at Zoisite sending him into peril.

"LOL REKT!" they all laughed and warped away.

* * *

When Kunzite entered Queen Beryl's throne room he heard a loud sobbing sound.

"What's that? Is Nephrite having one of his moments again?"

He turned and saw Zoisite crying in the corner.

"What's wrong are you sick or something?" asked Kunzite hardly concerned.

Zoisite threw a box of tissues at Kunzite.

"You inconsiderate jerk! I got jumped by hoodlums!" Zoisite cried.

"That's really a shame..." said Kunzite. "Did they take the groceries?"

"Yes.." sniffled Zoisite.

"Crap! We've been out of fudgesicles since the Silver Millennium!"

"Kunzite you're trash!" said Zoisite angrily.

"What do you want me to do about the fact you got beat up?" asked Kunzite

"Go beat them up for me!"

"IDK are they from a higher season than me?"

"Ye"

"Uh oh"

"So can you?"

"Well you see I have poker scheduled with Beryl today she needs someone to remind her to keep her poker face on! CYA"

Zoisite started crying again.

Nephrite entered.

"Just when I thought my day couldn't get any worse!" Zoisite cried.

"What's got you down?" asked Nephrite.

"Why do you care?!"

"Because we're shitenou we have to look out for eachother!"

"Yea well screw you!"

":("

"Ugh ok I got beat up today"

"Why don't you just learn how to fight?"

"WHAT?! ME?! FIGHT!? WAAAAAAAAAA!" Zoisite exclaimed.

"Well just today you were saying you had nothing to do."

"Ugh but I'm laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazy!"

"Just do it!"

"Ugh fine!" Zoisite resigned.

"I know this great dojo teaching karate classes you should go check it out!" Nephrite told him.

"ok"

* * *

Right when Zoisite got to the top of the huge staircase he got jumped by a bunch of crows.

"WAAAAAAAAAA"

"LOL EVEN CROWS CAN BEST YOU!" laughed the crows.

Zoisite retreated inside the temple.

As soon as he entered he was greeted by a wild old man.

"I FEEL EVIL!"

"GRAMPS!" yelled Zoisite "Not you again!"

"Grampa's heard you needed some fighting lessons and I'm just the old man to give you some!"

"How much is this gonna cost?" asked Zoisite skeptically.

"If you do one thing for me I'll teach you everything you need to know about fighting."

"What's the one thing?"

* * *

"Yes, I'll have the couples' special" Gramps said to waiter.

"Yea I can see the date and all but do I really need to wear this blonde wig?" Zoisite asked.

"Yes, I won't be seen in public with a woman with that kind of hair style."

"But I'm not a wom-"

"Can it and split this milkshake with me!" commanded Gramps.

* * *

"Well that was dumb" said Zoisite taking off his blonde wig.

"Ok I can teach you karate!" said Gramps. "Meet me behind the KFC at 4:00AM exactly. If you're even one second late you fail my class."

"What class?"

"CAN IT AND BE THERE!"

* * *

Zoisite waited behind the KFC looking at his watch.

"It's 4:00AM where the heck is he?" Zoisite groaned to himself.

"PSSST IN HERE!" said Gramps.

Zoisite turned to see Gramps peaking his head out from inside the dumpster.

"What are you doing?" asked Zoisite.

"Hop in!"

Zoisite reluctantly climbed in and Gramps closed the lid.

Gramps lit a match.

"So what are we doing in here?" asked Zoisite "and who's that guy?"

Sitting next to Gramps was some randy.

"It's me brah, Chad!" said the randy.

"He's my other student" explained Gramps. "He's a deadbeat and a loser just like you!"

"I'm not a lose-"

"OK FIRST LESSON"

Zoisite groaned. This was going to be a long morning.

"NOW TODAY IMA TEACH YOU PUNKS HOW TO LAY AN EGG!" said G-Pa.

"Ummmm?" said Zoisite.

"DONT QUESTION MEH WISDEM!" said Gramps.

"Are you sure that's right?" asked Chad, squatting and trying his bestest.

"Wait a sec," said Gramps, holding a book upside-down called "A Bird Watcher's Guide to Bird Watching."

"I think this is the wrong pamphlet?"

"You think?" Zoisite asked.

"Ok well anyway time for the next lesson," said Grandpa, throwing the book away. "Meet me at 3 AM tomorrow, on the upper left hand corner of the Pizza Hut."

"Why the-"

"CYA!" said Gramps, poofing off like a ninja.

Zoisite appeared on top of the Pizza Hut. He waited three hours, but no sign of Gramps.

He called Gramps but the line was busy. Then he called Gramp's other student Chad.

"Hey Rei, GNARLY!" said Chad. "I've been waiting weeks for you to call me! But my hopes and dreams were worth it!"

"Umm, I'm not Rei," said Zoisite.

Chad started sobbing into the phone.

"Have you seen Gramps anywhere?"

"Yeah he waited on top of the Pizza Hut for you for the past three hours but then went home because he said it was a three person activity."

"What? I'm on top of the Pizza Hut!"

"Oh, did I say Pizza Hut? I meant Papa John's. My bad."

Zoisite broke the cellphone and went back to the dojo.

Gramps was reading his paper, but he threw it down in anger.

"YOU LYIN LITTLE SON OF A GUN!" said Gramps.

"You gave me the wrong place!" Zoisite cried defensively.

"No. Now my three way didn't work out and I had to-"

"Three way what?" asked Zoisite.

"Not important," said Gramps. "Now meet me at this address in three weeks at 5PM."

Gramps leaped out of the dojo and did parkour across Tokyo's rooftops.

* * *

Three weeks later, Zoisite appeared at the shipping yard. "I remember this place," he said nostalgically.

In the past three weeks, his drive to learn to fight had greatly decreased with time.

Suddenly he got drop kicked from the sky.

"Ouch!" he yelled as he skidded across the pavement.

"FIRST LESSON!" said Gramps.

"Isn't this like the third?"

"NO! THE FIRST LESSON IS ALWAYS BE ON GUARD!"

"You know, I think I don't want to learn Karate anymore," Zoisite told him.

"QUITTER TALK!" screamed Gramps.

"No rly. You haven't taught me shit. I'm out." Zoisite went to walk away, but Grandpa appeared in front of him.

"What are you-"

Grandpa put chloroform over his mouth and knocked him out.

* * *

Zoisite slowly opened his eyes.

He thought he saw a chair floating above his head, but then he realized he was dangling upside down from the ceiling, above a chair that was at a table. At the other end of the table sat Gramps in the blonde wig.

"Have a cup of tea!" said Gramps.

Zoisite struggled but it was no use.

"Are you 'tied up?'" joked Grandpa.

Chad walked in. "Yaaaa brah, is this where the next meeting is?"

Granpda pulled out a rifle and shot him in the knee.

"AAAAA GNARLY!" screamed Chad, falling the ground.

"Now that there's no more interruption," said Gramps, "Let me tell you my life's story."

Chad groaned in pain.

"But first, have some tea!"

Gramps poured tea on Zoisite's head, but he was upside down so it just went in his hair.

"Can you not?" requested Zoisite. "Also can you let me go?"

"We'll see," said Gramps, putting a hankerchief in his mouth to quiet him.

"Now anyway, I was just a small town girl, living in a lonely world. I took the midnight train, going any wheeeere! SING THE NEXT LINE!"

"I can't," Zoisite said in a muffled voice. "You put this in my mouth!"

"WHAT?! I CAN'T HEAR YOU! SING UP!"

Zoisite started crying silent tears.

"You're awful at karaoke," Gramps commented. "Now it's time to play my favorite game! Musical chairs!"

Grandpa turned on his favorite song, Baby by Justin Bieber.

He ran around the chair and then turned off the music. He jumped in a chair.

"HAHAHAH I WIN YOU LOSE!" he laughed.

"Yah brahh but I'm disabled now and he's hanging from the ceiling. There wasn't much competition!"

Gramps shot Chad again in the other knee.

"NAHAHAHAHHA YAAAHAH BRAHHH!" Chad sobbed.

"NOW LET'S PRETEND TO BE CATS!" said Gramps. "MEOW MEOW MEOW!"

Zoisite and Chad just stared at him, disturbed.

"The blood's all rushing to my head," Zoisite sobbed.

"The blood's all rushing out of my body oh gawd someone call an ambulance!" Chad wailed. "Yaahahhaa gnarly!"

Rei walked in then.

"GRAMPS?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

"Teaching Karate, of course!" he said.

"HEEEELP!" cried Chad. "GNARLY!"

"Gaejwsegwaeiog!" muffled Zoisite.

"Well tell your students to keep it down! We have customers! And they need your help, Grandpa!" Rei told him.

"Fine fine I'm coming," Gramps resigned. "Don't go anywhere!" he said to them, winking.

Zoisite and Chad tried to think of a way out.

"Ok Chad," said Zoisite, finally managing to spit out the hankerchief. "We're going to need to get out before he comes back. But first, you'll need to untie me!"

"Yaaahahh brah!" said Chad.

"This is no time for fooling around!" said Zoisite.

"Yaahahaha brah!" agreed Chad.

He crawled over and tried to untie Zoisite.

"Grandpa never taught me how to untie a knot!" Chad said sadly.

"Just cut the rope! Reach into my pocket, I must have a few spare crystals in there?"

"Which pocket?" asked Chad.

"JUST TRY ANY!"

"Ok"

"He reached in the first pocket and pulled out a two foot long crystal.

"WOAAAH THIS IS HUGE!" said Chad.

"Hahaha that's what he said," said Zoisite. "Now cut the rope!"

"Pow pow!" yelled Chad, swinging the crystal around and making lightsaber sounds.

"CHAD PLS!" begged Zoisite.

"POW POW I AM LUKE! POW!" Chad continued.

"CHAAAADD!" sobbed Zoisite.

"Ok fine!" said Chad. He went to cut the rope but then he fell to the ground.

"Oh crap the blood loss is making me dizzy. Now I can't see straight."

"Oh gawd," said Zoisite. "Pull it together, Chad!"

Chad stood up. "Ok I can do this!"

Chad swung the crystal with all his might, but he missed the rope and sliced Zoisite in the face.

"OWW!" Zoisite yelled. "WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME FACE!"

"I can't do it!" sobbed Chad. "I'm just a bum, Gramps was right about me!"

"No he wasn't!" encouraged Zoisite. "I believe in you!"

"You believe in me?"

"Cut the rope or so help me" threatened Zoisite.

"Oh look I did it," said Chad.

Zoisite fell to the ground. "Oh gawd so dizzy I was upside down for a while..."

"Let me help," said Chad, but he tripped and knocked over all the tea.

"DID I JUST HEAR TEA SPILL!?" yelled Gramps from downstairs.

"KEEP IT DOWN!" screamed Zoisite.

"YOU're LOUDER THAN ME BURAAHHH!" said Chad.

Zoisite backhanded Chad.

"Wow I save you and you betray me? I'm not helping you," said Chad.

"Come on just help me pry the door open."

They tried to pull the door but it was no use.

"Have anything that could pick the lock?" asked Zoisite.

"Sorrry brahhhh," said Chad. "All I have is this cellphone."

Zoisite began to sputter and foam at the mouth. "YOU HAD A CELLPHONHE, THIS WHOLE TIME!?"

"Yaahahaha so?"

Zoisite backhanded him again and took the cellphone. He called his only friend Kunzite.

"Hey Zoisite keep it snappy, this poker game is getting good!"

"HEEEEELP! I'M BEING HELD PRISONER BY A GEYSER!"

"DAMMIT ZOISITE AGAIN?!" Kunzite said, exasperated. "Alright I'm coming to save you."

"WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?!" they heard Beryl say.

"Queen Beryl, please! Zoisite is in peril!" Kunzite explained.

"Who cares about Zoisite, I'm about to win the jackpot!"

"I do Beryl! Just give me like three seconds to-"

"NO! I need you to remind me not to ruin my poker face! I have the best hand ever right now!"

The poker players looked at her. "Really?"

"DAMMIT KUNZITE!"

"Sorry baby I'm tied up. I'll take you out to dinner later if you live," said Kunzite, apologetically, before Beryl snapped his phone in half.

"Oh boy, have any other friends brahhh?" asked Chad.

"Not really but I know this one dumbass."

Zoisite called Jadeite.

"Hey Jed! How about you come here and rescue us!" Zoisite asked nicely.

"OMG ZOISITE! HOW HAVE YOU BEEN PAL!? So this weekend, I went to the fair, and at the fair,"

Zoisite hung up. "I would rather die than hear about his weekend."

Then, he started dry heaving.

"What's the matter, brahhh?" asked Chad.

"I have to *gag* call *gag* Nephrite!"

"Cool brahhh!" said Chad.

Zoisite backhanded him.

Nephrite answered his phone.

"Nephrite you need to help me!" Zoisite pleaded. "I know we've had our differences, but Shitennou have to help each other out, right man?"

"I don't know, Zoisite. You're kind a douche!"

"Meeee?! A DOUCHE!?

"Ye"

"Please I'll never harass you again for liek a full day!"

"Fine, but you'll have to do me one eensie weensie favor later!"

"Anything!" Zoisite said desperately.

"Ok, listen closely," said Nephrite.

"Yes, I'm listening."

"Teleport."

Zoisite fell to the floor and face-palmed.

"Alright Chad, grab on! We're going home!"

Chad grabbed on. "No homo bruhhhh!" he said.

They teleported back to the Negaverse.

"Bruhhh where am I?"

"The Negaverse!" said Zoisite.

"Aww, gnarly, BRAH! How many channels you get down here?"

"Like 30," Zoisite said.

"Woaaaah that's like 30 more than back at the temple! I'm stayin!"

Zoisite tped away to do whatever it was that Nephrite wanted.

"Now where is the TV?" Chad asked, but he only got his own echo in response.

* * *

"Yes, I'll have the couples' special" Nephrite said to waiter.

"Yea I can see the date and all but do I really need to wear this blonde wig?" Zoisite asked.

"Yes, I won't be seen in public with a women with that kind of hair style."

"But I'm not a wom-"

"Can it and split this milkshake with me!" commanded Nephrite.

"Yo toss me a straw I'm in!" Chad said, jumping in between Nephrite and Zoisite and drinking from the milkshake too.

"BUT WHY?" Zoisite asked Nephrite.

Molly looked over from her table with Melvin.

"JEALOUS YET?!" Nephrite yelled to her.

"SUCK IT, NEPHRITE!" they both yelled in unison.

"That's it," said Zoisite. "I'm going back to Gramps."

Zoisite warped back to Gramps.

"Oh goody, you're already in the wig!" said Gramps.

FIN


	39. Nephrite Gets His Revenge On Zoisite

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Wat is it this time Jed" asked Beryl.

"Well you see the humans have these things called turnips and they grow on farms..." Jadeite began.

"You know what, just go home Jadeite. It's too early in the morning for your dumbassery."

"Gee thanks Beryl, I appreciate your constructive criticism."

"Ok ima put u in eternal sleep for a few mins until I can get some well needed rest," Beryl told him.

"Gee thanks Beryl, I appreciate your- HEY wait a second!"

She put him in an ice crystal for like three hours so she could take a nap.

* * *

"Hahahahahaha," said Nephrite. "Today is the day I finally get back at Zoisite for killing me."

He stood in Zoisite's castle, admiring his trap.

"When he comes home from work, he'll open the door. And then, the bucket of water I placed on top will fall and soak him! HAHAHAHAHAHA I feel evil!"

Nephrite waited patiently for ten hours.

"I'm home!" called Zoisite, starting to walk in. "So yeah, I couldn't find the rainbow crystal holder, I guess I'll try again tomorr- OH SHIT I bet it was the cat!"

Zoisite turned around and left.

"Dammit!" said Nephrite. "No supper for me tonight! Oh well, I can wait a few hours longer!"

Finally Zoisite came back with Kunzite.

"Can you open the door for me?" he asked Kunzite.

"Why?" asked Kunzite.

"Because you're supposed to be a gentleman!"

"You're supposed to be a gentleman too," Kunzite remarked.

"Nahhhh I'm the girl in this relationship," said Zoisite. "Now open the door."

"Ok."

Kunzite opened the door and the bucket fell on him.

"WHO DID THIS!?"

Nephrite made a run for it, but Zoisite spotted the trail of crumbs of the snacks he was eating because he got hungry waiting all day.

"AFTER HIM!"

They ran down the trail and caught him trying to get in his car.

"Dammit I knew I should have teleported!" exclaimed Nephrite.

Kunzite finished off Nephrite with ease. He and Zoisite ate his leftover snacks.

FIN


	40. Queen Beryl Goes Ballistic

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

There was no response.

"The coast is clear!" called Jadeite. The other three Shitennou popped up from behind the corner.

"OH BOY, TIME TO PLAY DODGE CRYSTAL BALL!"

Jadeite grabbed Beryl's crystal ball and spiked it at Nephrite. Nephrite caught the ball, eliminating Jadeite from the game.

"Aww nuts."

Nephrite spiked it at Zoisite, but he teleported away, so it smashed into one of the cave spikes.

"You guys should be careful," said Kunzite nervously.

"Psssh," scoffed Nephrite, "What could possibly happen?"

"HOT POTATO!" yelled Jadeite, throwing Kunzite the ball.

"Woah!" Kunzite said, barely catching it.

"Kunzite come on you have to pass it!" Jadeite encouraged

"Maybe we should put it back," Kunzite decided.

"BOOOOOOOO!" they all yelled in unison. Zoisite grabbed the ball from him and rolled it like a bowling ball. It knocked over Nephrite and Jadeite like pins.

"YAY A STRIKE!"

Nephrite tried to stand up, but slipped on the ball, sending it flying into the air.

Kunzite had to slide to catch it inches before it hit the ground.

"Alright I think that's enough," he said.

But Evil Mamoru came in and snatched it from him.

"I don't know what you guys are doing but I'm here to sabotage!" Mamoru announced.

"Pass it over here!" called Jadeite.

"OKAY!" said Evil Mamoru. He pulled out his cane and threw the ball up in the air.

"I'm the Amazon Quartet!" he yelled, swinging his stick to hit the ball. But he missed epically and the ball fell to the floor and shattered.

"My bad," said Mamoru, teleporting away.

Everyone gasped. "Uh oh."

"Queen Beryl won't be home for a few hours, right?" asked Jadeite.

Suddenly the phone rang. Kunzite picked it up. "Hello? Negaverse palace, Kunzite speaking."

"Dammit Kunzite I told you not to announce our secret lair! What if I was some telemarketer?!" Queen Beryl scolded. "I could check the area code and then we'd all be fin!"

"I'm sorry your majesty. So why are you calling?"

"Just checking up on my crystal ball," she responded. "Is it doing okay?"

Kunzite turned around and saw Nephrite and Jadeite pushing up the shards into a dust pan.

"Umm... yeah! It's in tip top shape! We shined it and everything!"

"Excellent," said Beryl. "Because if anything has happened to my ball, I'll use your severed heads as replacement. Understand?"

"Yes Queen Beryl," Kunzite said nervously. "Was that all you wanted?"

"Oh yeah, also I'll be home in five minutes, so have my supper ready on the table! Buh bye!"

"What'd she say?" asked Jadeite.

Kunzite started screaming and running in circles. "OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT!"

"Calm down bro," said Nephrite. "We'll fix this!"

"HOW!?"

"Duhhh..."

"How about we glue it together?" suggested Jadeite.

"We're all out of glue!" cried Zoisite.

"Nuts," moped Jadeite, slapping his knee.

"I've got an idea!" Nephrite said happily.

He took out an orange. He started eating it.

"That orange!" exclaimed Zoisite.

"Yeah," said Nephrite. "My doctor told me I needed more Vitamin C. Ya know, since I'm down in this cave and not getting any sunlight."

"No, I mean we can use it as replacement for her ball!"

"But I need Vitamin C!"

"No offense baby but that's the dumbest idea ever!" Kunzite interrupted.

"Do you have a better one?" asked Zoisite.

"Yes," said Kunzite. "We face our demises with dignity."

"Eww," Zoisite replied, taking the orange and putting it in the ball stand. "There, she'll never tell the difference!"

"Don't underestimate our Queen's intelligence," warned Kunzite. "She won't buy that for a second!"

"I'm back!" said Queen Beryl. "What won't I buy for a second?"

"Oh, you just missed the salesman!" Kunzite said quickly, thinking on his feet.

"Out here, in the North Pole!?" Beryl asked skeptically.

"Yes, turns out you were right about the telemarketers. This one was trying to sell us whale blubber."

"So you bought some, right?" asked Beryl.

"Uh oh," said Jadeite.

"Well I couldn't find any change..." said Kunzite.

"Kunzite that was your last strike. Wrong me again and it's over."

"Yes Queen."

Queen Beryl sat down on her throne.

They all looked over at her and smiled as hard as they could.

Queen Beryl just stared at them. "So, do you guys take me for some kind of idiot?"

"Is this a trick question?" asked Zoisite.

"YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD FOOL ME!?" Beryl shrieked.

"No, my Queen! This isn't what it looks like!" said Kunzite.

"Oh, but it's exactly what it looks like," Queen Beryl said.

They all huddled together and awaited their deaths.

"Kunzite and Zoisite are gay!" she exclaimed. "And you thought you could keep it from me?"

"We never tried to keep it from you," said Kunzite, overwhelmed with relief.

"You came to our wedding," Zoisite told her.

"Did I? Oh, I must have been too occupied with my ball to know where I was. And speaking of which..."

"Uh oh," said Jadeite. They all huddled together, awaiting their demise.

"It's looking spiffy! Thanks for polishing it!"

They all looked at each other in confusion.

"That is all. Go home," she told them.

"We don't have a home," said Jadeite.

"Hey speak for yourself," said the rest of them, leaving.

"Can I sleep in here?" asked Jadeite.

"No get out of my sight."

"Nuts," said Jadeite, going outside in the snow to sleep.

* * *

Three months passed. Queen Beryl still had not caught on.

"Ugh," she sighed one day to Jadeite.

"I've been watching my ball all day to find an excuse to kill Zoisite, but I haven't seen him wronging me in any way! Something is up!"

"Uh oh here it comes!" said Jadeite.

"Why is my ball not showing me any of his blatant acts of disobedience!?" Beryl cried. "I haven't killed a minion in so long, it's making me sea sick!"

"Maybe he just hasn't been blatantly disobeying you...?" tried Jadeite.

"Hahahaha that's a good one," said Beryl. "I'd assume my ball was defective, but no one has messed with it so that can't be it."

"YEP!" said Jadeite really loudly and suspiciously.

"Jadeite, why are you acting so suspicious?"

"WHAT!? ME!? SUS-SPIsH-OUS?! Don't be ridiculous, come on!"

"You're right," agreed Beryl. "I have to trust my Shitennou to not have messed with my ball. They know how much it means to me."

"YEP!" yelled Jadeite, sweating bullets.

Beryl went back to staring at her ball. Jadeite slowly backed away.

* * *

Two more months later, Jadeite called a meeting.

"Guys, that orange has rotted away and now it's just a shriveled black ball. It's like the size of a raisin, she'll notice any day now!"

"Meh," shrugged Nephrite. "I've had a long life. Longer than I thought I would, anyway!"

"We have to swap it out with a new orange!" Jadeite declared.

"We don't have any more oranges!" Zoisite sadly informed them.

"Wait a minute," Nephrite said suddenly. "I have this tennis ball from my weekly Maxfield Stanton tennis lessons. We can swap it with this!"

"She'll never fall for that," stated Kunzite.

"Nahhhhhhh she totes will," Nephrite said confidently.

When Beryl went out to take a North Pole walk, they snuck into her room and went to swap out the ball.

"WHO DARES TOUCH MY BALL!" yelled Beryl, appearing suddenly.

"Why are you back so soon!?" cried Kunzite.

"I forgot to kiss my ball goodbye!" she told him. "SO, ARE YOU TAMPERING WITH MY BALL!?"

"No, never!" cried Jadeite.

"THEN WHY ARE YOU HOLDING IT IN YOUR HAND, AND SWAPPING IT WITH A TENNIS BALL?! ARE YOU TRYING TO STEAL IT!?"

"NO!" they cried, putting it back.

Suddenly, her face lit up. Her eyes went to the ball, and then to the Shitennou. Then they went back to the ball. She kept looking back and forth. It seemed like forever passed.

Finally, she spoke. "That's not my ball. That's an orange."

"Wuuuuuuuut!?" said all the Shitennou in unison. "How could this have happened!"

"I bet it was those Sailor Failures!" suggested Jadeite.

"Yeah, I bet so!" the rest agreed.

"No, I don't think so..." said Beryl.

"Aww, those pesky Youma!" complained Zoisite. "I knew some of them were out for your throne!"

"No, I don't think so..." said Beryl.

Jadeite made a break for it. They all followed suite.

They thought they lost her, but when they turned the corner, there she was.

"YOU SHALL ALL PERISH!" she screamed.

"Well this is where my story ends," they all said.

She went to kill them. But she didn't have a ball to blast them with.

"Ummm, well this is awkward," said Beryl.

"Yep," agreed Kunzite.

"How about we go home and pretend this never happened?" suggested Zoisite.

"No, no, I'm still going to kill you. I just don't know how yet. Give me a minute."

They all waited patiently.

Then, Evil Mamoru appeared. "Beryl, I have recovered the Legendary Silver Crystal!"

"Excellent!" exclaimed Beryl.

"Yeah," said Mamoru. "It was easy without that pesky Kunzite sabotaging me!"

"BUT I- BUT YOU- WAAA!" exclaimed Kunzite indignantly.

Queen Beryl raised the Silver Crystal to finish off the Shitennou and the planet Earth.

But nothing happened.

She re-examined the Legendary Crystal. "Mamoru, this is an orange."

"WUUUUUT!?" exclaimed Mamoru. "Alright, I have to come clean. I had the Silver Crystal, but then I realized I had gotten it unfairly. So I gave it back."

"YOU WUUUUUUUT!?"

"Ye."

"Welp, I'm out," said Queen Beryl.

She jumped off a bridge.

THE END


	41. Jadeite Escapes Queen Beryl

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"This is your last chance, Jadeite. Fail me again and I will finish you off once and for all!"

"Gosh Beryl you didn't have to threaten me!" Jadeite whined. "I got dis, eZ!"

Jadeite warped away.

* * *

Jadeite got in line at the fortune teller's place. He was in an overcoat, so no one could recognize him.

"Yes... this will be perfect!" he said giddily.

He turned to walk away and commence his energy plan, but the fortune teller called his name.

"Oh boy I want my fortune read!" he said happily.

The fortune teller looked him over. "I see bad things in your future," she said.

"Oh boy tell me more!" Jadeite insisted.

"Let's see..." said the fortune teller, making stuff up off the top of her head. "You will find something that you had lost a while ago."

"I don't own anything!" Jadeite explained.

"Well you will soon!"

"OH BOY OH BOY! Tell me more!" Jadeite kept going.

"Umm, ok? Some time in the near future, you will have something happen to you. It will be something interesting!"

"Aww, sweet! Interesting stuff never happens to me! The last interesting thing I can remember was that time Zoisite fell down a flight of stairs! He was so pissed!"

"Yes, lovely," said the fortune teller. "Oh look my shift is over!" she said, making a hasty retreat.

"Time to go home and wait for my fortunes to come true!" said Jadeite.

"While I wait, I might as well catch up on the latest Scrubs episodes! Maybe something funny will happen!"

Jadeite binge watched Scrubs on Netflix for two days. "Nothing yet!"

Then he ran out of food.

He showed up at Queen Beryl's palace.

"Hey Beryl, I'm going to the grocery store, need anything?"

"Jadeite, where is my energy?"

"What energy?" Jadeite asked. "Ohhhhh, you mean THAT energy. Heh heh!" Jadeite started bawling internally. How could he have possibly forgotten his mission?

"Jadeite, I told you what would happen if you failed me again!"

"Huh, I totally forget what you told me! Why don't you repeat it?"

"Well, all I said was that-" but Beryl stopped talking when Jadeite leaped out the window and jumped in a taxi.

"GRRR IMA GETCHU!" yelled Beryl as the taxi driver drove off.

"I got myself in quite the pickle," said Jadeite.

"Where do you want to go?" asked the taxi driver.

"Take me anywhere! Or, actually, can you take me to Hawaii?"

"No," said the taxi driver. "This is not a boat."

"Aww nuts, just take me to the amusement park then!"

"Nah," said the taxi driver.

"What do you mean, 'nah?' What do you think I'm paying you for!?" scolded Jadeite.

The taxi driver turned around angrily. It was Queen Beryl.

Jadeite leaped out of the moving taxi and it crashed into a building and exploded.

"Ahahahaha that must have gotten rid of her!" said Jadeite.

He walked into a Starbuck's to celebrate his newfound freedom.

"I'll take the regular," he told the barista.

The barista turned around and placed his drink on the counter.

"That will be $5.50."

"$5.50!" Jadeite exclaimed furiously. "What a rip off!"

"If you don't like it..." began the barista. "Then, DIE!"

She revealed herself to be Queen Beryl, and began shooting at him.

"Hey, you can't do that on corporate premises!" yelled the manager. "You may be a trainee, but that doesn't mean you can get us a law suite!"

Beryl killed him. But Jadeite got away.

Jadeite boarded a plane to Hawaii. He sat on the plane and looked all around him.

"No signs of Beryl!"

A flight attendant approached him. "Would you like anything to drink?"

"Of course I would... BERYL!" he screamed. He started slugging the flight attendant. She died.

"Umm... what?" asked Jadeite. "I didn't think Beryl would be that easy to kill.

The pilot came out. "OH HEAVENS!" he cried.

"BERYL!" yelled Jadeite, charging him. The flight attendant died.

The plane started spiraling out of control because there was no one to steer.

"Don't worry guys!" Jadeite told the passengers. "I can steer planes with my mind!"

Jadeite put the plane back on track. Just as he started to relax, he noticed someone on the wing of the plane.

"Hey, how'd you get over there, silly passenger?" he asked.

Beryl lunged at him like a tiger, smashing through the window and throwing him to the ground.

"HAHAHAHA YOU CAN'T KILL ME!" bragged Jadeite. "I came prepared this time!"

He jumped off the plane with a parachute.

As he gleefully parachuted to Earth, Beryl appeared beside him and cut the parachute string.

Jadeite fell straight down and landed in a volcano.

He emerged unscathed, but then Beryl just teleported him back to her throne room because she had had enough.

"Jadeite, I am not going to waste anymore energy on you. I'll save my eternal sleep attack for someone like Sailor Moon, so I don't die to her this time."

"Then what are you going to do with me?" Jadeite asked nervously.

* * *

"OH COME ON!" he yelled, banging on the freezer door. "I don't deserve this!"

Beryl drew a smiley face in the ice on the window and left him locked in there.

Jadeite sat down. "This isn't even cold enough to freeze me! It's just mildly unpleasant!"

Suddenly, the door opened.

"I'm free!?" he cried with glee.

Zoisite reached in and grabbed a popsicle. He slammed the door.

"ZOISITE PLS LET ME OUT!" begged Jadeite.

"No, you think me falling down the stairs is interesting!"

"Come ooooooooon!" Jadeite tried to be persuasive.

"Sorry can't hear you."

Jadeite sighed. He began eating a popsicle himself. "It's just one of those days!"

FIN


	42. Melvin Joins The Negaverse

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energahhhhh!"

"Actually, Jadeite, you're on cleaning duty today!" Beryl told him.

"But whyyyyy!" Jadeite whined. "I was just on cleaning duty yesterday!"

"You're the lowest ranking Shitennou, Jadeite," Beryl said harshly. "You have to do all the chores!"

"But don't we have Youma for that?"

"No, you killed them all."

"Hey now, let's not point fingers," said Jadeite.

"Jadeite why isn't there a mop in your hand?" Beryl asked.

Jadeite spawned a mop and moped away with his head down.

He turned around as the other three Shitennou warped in.

"Alright, Nephrite, you're on energy duty today!"

"Eww," said Nephrite.

"Start your search at Molly's house!"

"OH BABY!"

"Zoisite, you're looking for the silver crystal!"

"Eww," said Zoisite.

"Start your search at the amusement park!"

"OH BABY!"

"And Kunzite, go find the Moon Princess," Beryl commanded.

"That will be easy! Back in the Silver Millennium, the Moon Princess used to attend Juuban High School!"

"THEN GO GO GO!" Beryl told them all.

"Aww I wanted to go the high school :(" Jadeite said sadly.

"JADEITE!" yelled Beryl. "Are the floors done? Start doing the other Shitennou's laundrey!"

"Well actually," interrupted Jadeite.

"Do I need to make you clean the gutters again!?"

"No, your majesty."

"Go wash your mouth out with soap! And drop and give me twenty! And clean the toilets with your toothbrush!"

* * *

Jadeite sulked through the streets after a long day of cleaning and other lame chores.

"I refuse to go on like this!" yelled Jadeite in the middle of the street.

"Keep walking Johnny," said a random lady to her kid. "Don't look at the crazies!"

"I AM ABOVE THIS!" Jadeite screached. "DUEGHUEGHUEGH!"

Suddenly, he got an idea. "If I can recruit someone to be even lower ranking than I am, then they'll have to do all the chores! But who could possibly under-rank me?"

"USAGI!" yelled Melvin. "COME SPLIT MY CRANBERRY SNAPPLE MILKSHAKE!"

"Get lost, nerd!" cried Usagi, fleeing.

Melvin chased after her.

Jadeite teleported in front of Melvin, but Melvin didn't stop running and knocked him down.

"Watch where you're going, nerd!" said Melvin.

"WAT!?" Jadeite yelled angrily. But then he regained composure. "Hey nerd, are you tired of being pushed around, and having girls not split your shit milkshakes with you?"

"Actually, it's cranberry snapple flavored!"

"Suck it, nerd!" said Jadeite. "Want to be a Shitennou?"

"Sounds gay, I'm in!" said Melvin.

"Excellent," said Jadeite. Then he cackled evil.

"So what's a Shitennou?"

* * *

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new recruit!"

"Jadeite, these floors don't look very mopped."

"I can see my reflection, what do you mean?!"

"Exactly, no one wants to see that," said Beryl. "So what's this about a new recruit? What's this kid with glasses doing in my throne room?"

"This is the new Shitennou," said Jadeite.

"Jadeite, you are a member of an elite squad. We don't just take anyone," Beryl told him. But then she looked at Jadeite. "Alright random nerd, you can't be worse than Jadeite. You're in!"

"Hidy ho! When do I get a suite like that guy?"

"Now," she said, tossing him one with purple accents.

"Neato! So when do I get my paycheck?"

"Jadeite, go show your new trainee the ropes," said Beryl.

* * *

"Ok, Melvin," began Jadeite. "Now this is the empty dark space that we float through."

"Why don't we have a castle or a mansion like the others?" asked Melvin.

"Because we're the lowest ranking. I mean, YOU'RE the lowest ranking! WAHAHAHAH!"

"Do I get to laugh like a doofus as well?" asked Melvin.

"Not until you're my rank!" Jadeite said snarkily.

"Well then. When do I get to steal MOLLY's energy?"

Jadeite shook his head. "No, no, no. There's a lot of training before you get to go out on the field."

"TEACH ME YOUR WAYS SENPAI!" shouted Melvin.

"Alright, here's how to be awes-"

"JADEITE! REPORT AT ONCE! And bring the rookie!"

"Jadeite, if you're so high ranking, why do you have to take this shit?" Melvin asked him.

"Shut up rookie!" scolded Jadeite. They both teleported to Beryl because Melvin now had teleporting skills.

"Jadeite, I went to the bathroom earlier," said Beryl.

"Umm, thanks Beryl?" Jadeite replied.

"The toilet didn't look very clean."

"Why were you looking?" asked Melvin.

"Melvin, you can't disrespect Queen Beryl!" Jadeite gasped.

"What exactly makes you a queen? What are you the queen of?"

"The Negaverse!" she told him.

"Then what's Queen Metalia the queen of?"

"Me!"

"So... you're not really like an actual queen, per se?"

"Excuse the new recruit, your heiness!" Jadeite pleaded. He knew if she killed the new recruit, he'd be back to mopping duty.

"Actually, I like having an employee with a backbone," said Beryl. "Melvin, you're stealing energy today!"

"OH BOY!"

"But Queen Beryl! You said the lowest ranking has to do chores!" Jadeite objected. "Isn't Melvin a lower rank than me?"

Beryl sighed. "I suppose, for now. Melvin, go mop the floors."

"OH BOY!"

"Jadeite, go get energy! This is your last chance, otherwise, you'll mop these floors for eternity!"

"Pshh, we won't last that long," Jadeite laughed.

"WHAT U SAY BOY!?"

"I said, right away!"

* * *

Jadeite teleported away. But he didn't go straight to get energy. He went to the cafeteria to show off his new rank.

He got in line. "Heya, Zoisite!"

"Jadeite, this isn't the Youma cafeteria. Someone of your rank is not allowed to eat in here."

"That's what you think, but I got a new rank!"

"No," said Zoisite. "You're the same rank. Melvin is just a lower rank."

"Tomatoes, tomahtoes," said Jadeite. "Pass me some of that grub."

"Shouldn't you be getting energy right now?" asked Zoisite.

But Jadeite wanted to look like a badass. "I am such a high rank that I am now above searching for energy!" Jadeite lied. "I am now searching for the silver crystal!"

Zoisite gasped. "BUT THAT'S MY JOB!?"

"Yep!" said Jadeite. "Now I better get back to that!"

"YOU'RE a DEAD MAN!" cried Zoisite. "DEEEAAAD!" He threw a milk carton at Jadeite and left.

"Are you gonna eat that?" Jadeite asked. "Oh well, time to get energahhh"

* * *

2 hours later, Jadeite returned, covered in bruises and empty-handed.

"Well that was a tough fight!" he told Beryl. "But don't worry, I only got ran over by a plane a few times this round!"

"Jadeite where's that energy?"

"Well ya see, things are ever-changing and it's not as easy as back in your day-"

Suddenly Melvin appeared. He was holding a broom and a giant ball of energy.

Queen Beryl gasped. "Where did you find so much energy!?"

"Huh, good question," said Melvin. "Where did I get this energy..." he contemplated. "Oh yeah, I found it under a rock!"

"Melvin, this is more energy than Jadeite has ever gotten. You earned a promotion."

"WHAT!?" cried Jadeite.

"You're now Nephrite/Zoisite level," Beryl told him. "You're searching for the Silver Crystal!"

"You mean this old thing?" he asked, pulling out the Silver Crystal.

"WHERE DID YOU!? HOW DID YOU!?" Beryl sputtered.

"Usagi dropped it as I was chasing after her with my cranberry snapple milkshake!"

"Wait, Usagi? Dropped the Silver Crystal? Look into this, Melvin. Something doesn't add up!"

"Maybe Usagi is the Moon Princess?"

"Brilliant!" she told him. "Up another rank for you!"

"Whoopee!" cried Melvin, disappearing in a flurry of shrimp.

"That's way cooler than Zoisite's petals!" said Beryl. "He just passed Zoisite in rank!"

Jadeite stormed off.

"Grrr, stupid Melvin, thinking he's better than me! I checked under hundreds of rocks, but I didn't find any energy! That lucky bastard!"

Suddenly a bunch of Youmas surrounded him.

"We still have Youmas left? I thought I caused you all to die?"

"Nope, we're Zoisite's youmas, and we're here to jump you!"

"Psshh, I can beat simple Youmas!" said Jadeite confidently.

"GIVE US THE SILVER CRYSTAL!" they yelled, sucker punching him.

"I don't have it!"

"Suuuuure!" they said, beating him to a pulp.

"It's just one of those days," sighed Jadeite.

* * *

"Hey Melvin," called Nephrite, as he and the other two Shitennou approached Melvin. "We don't much like how you've been passing us in rank!"

"That's Lord Melvin to you now! You all work for me!" declared Melvin.

"Actually," Kunzite stated angrily. "I'm the only lord here! See, I have a cape!"

"Oh, I'll be taking that!" said Lord Melvin, taking his cape.

Kunzite started sobbing.

They all went sobbing to Beryl.

"Queen Beryl, Melvin took my cape!" whined Kunzite.

"He took my petals!" cried Zoisite.

"He took my house!" cried Nephrite.

Queen Beryl just chortled. "Then maybe you fools should be more competent! Melvin did what all of you failed to do, in less than ten minutes!"

"Beryls pls!"

"Nope, you guys deserved your demotions!"

Suddenly, Melvin appeared in his shrimp cloud.

"Melvin, my favorite Shitennou!" Beryl greeted him happily. "Did you bring me some more of that juicy energy?"

"Actually, Beryl," he said. "All the energy goes to me now!"

"WHAAAT?" cried Queen Beryl. "It goes to me! Who gave you the right!?" she yelled.

"Queen Metalia."

"Really? Then I'm just gonna call her right now and see about this!" said Beryl.

"Go ahead!" Melvin urged her.

She put Metalia on speaker phone, ready to have her put Melvin in his place.

"Beryl, show some more respect for King Melvin!" Metalia told her.

"Wait what?" Beryl gasped.

King Melvin snickered.

"He has outranked you!" Metalia explained. "He did way more than you ever have, in less than ten minutes!"

"WAAAT?!" shrieked Beryl.

Melvin went up and pushed Beryl off her throne. He sat down.

"Alright maggots, listen up!" he commanded.

"Beryl, you're on energy snatching duty now!"

"NUUUU!" she cried.

"Jadey, back to mopping!"

"Gosh darn!" said Jadeite, throwing down his mop.

"What do you want us to do?" asked Nephrite.

"Hmmm," thought Melvin. "You go bring me Molly so I can date her!"

"NEVER!"

"Do you want an eternal sleep?"

"Aww nuts," he said, going to fetch Molly.

"Zoisite, Kunzite, go shine my shoes!"

"No!"

"Do you want an eternal sleep?"

"Melvin, you've lost it!" screamed Beryl.

"Beryl, do you want an eternal sleep?"

"No."

"No, King Melvin, you mean?"

"No."

"Berryyyyyyllll," he warned.

Beryl left to get energy. Five minutes later, she came back sobbing. "This is too hard! The Sailors keep beating me up!"

"Oh, taken care of!" said Melvin. He gestured to a cage he had all the Sailors in.

"Back to work! No excuses!"

Beryl went sobbing to Jadeite. "Jadeite you gotta help me. He's gonna put me in an eternal sleep!"

"I don't know," said Jadeite as he scrubbed the toilets. "Maybe you deserve a taste of your own medicine!"

Queen Beryl went to put Jadeite in an eternal sleep for not helping her, but no longer had the jurisdiction. "Jadeite, if you get me out of this, I'll promote you!"

"Aww really?"

"Yep!"

"Ok rally up the others and meet me at o' 700!"

* * *

They all met in a secluded closet.

"Why are we all crammed in this closet?" asked Beryl.

"Well, since Melvin is now Supreme Ruler of the Negaverse, he can see everything that's going on! This is the only place he can't watch us!"

"How did you find this?" asked Beryl.

"Oh, we found it years ago, to evade your constant stalking!" they told her.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"So what's the plan?"

"Well," began Jadeite. "There's only one way to stop King Melvin!"

* * *

Melvin sat in his throne. "Where did they go? I can't watch them and chortle anymore! This ball must be defective!" he yelled, throwing out Beryl's ball.

Suddenly, a shrimp flew in.

"OH BOY!" said Melvin. He ran after it, but it flew slightly away from his grasp. He chased it down.

"Alright," said Jadeite from behind the corner with a fishing rod. "Just a little bit further!"

Melvin chased the shrimp down the hallway, and made the final leap to grab it.

But Jadeite pulled it away at the last second, and Melvin fell into a bottomless pit.

"YAAAY!" they all applauded.

"So," suggested Jadeite. "Since I saved the day I think I should be king now?"

"Fat chance," said Beryl.

* * *

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energahhhhh!"

"Actually, Jadeite, you're on cleaning duty today!"

"BUT BERYL! YOU PROMISED I'D GET A PROMOTION!"

"You got one!" said Beryl. "You're now the chief of cleaning duty. You will forever be known as Lord Janitor!"

"But you said only the lowest ranking Shitennou does cleaning!"

"Yeah, you're still the lowest ranking. You're just a higher low rank!"

"Aww, sweet! I'm moving up in the world!" said Jadeite happily.

He went home to call his parents and tell them he got a promotion, but they blocked his number.

FIN


	43. The Shitennou Shop For Frozen Pizza

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Jadeite, have you picked up my pizza yet?" Beryl asked.

"Wuuuut?"

"I ordered pizza, but they haven't delivered it. I think they thought I was pranking them, because I told them to drop it off at the North Pole."

"That's really a shame," said Jadeite. "I haven't had pizza since the Silver Millennium."

"Nah screw you I wasn't giving you any anyway. Now go pick up a frozen pizza for me!" Queen Beryl commanded.

"Can I use the company car?"

"Hell no."

"Darn better make Nephrite drive me again," sighed Jadeite.

He showed up at Nephrite's house. But there was a line.

"Heya Zoisite," greeted Jadeite. "What brings you here?"

"I'm always here."

"Fair enough. What are we waiting for?"

"Ugh, he's talking to himself AKA the stars again. This goes on for hours at a time."

"OK IM DONE," called Nephrite. "Who wants to sell me something today?"

"Eww it's you guys," Nephrite moaned, stepping outside. "Who told you my address?"

"Beryl."

"Aww nuts!"

"Nephrite give me all your cheeze nips," demanded Zoisite.

"Nephrite drive me to the grocery," commanded Jadeite.

"Aww come on Jed, can't you take a cab?" Nephrite whined.

"I don't have money."

"Neither do I," said Nephrite.

"Let's go beg Kunzite for money then," suggested Jadeite.

"Oh I was just about to do that!" exclaimed Zoisite. "After I get my CHEEZE NIPS!"

Nephrite reluctantly forked over the cheeze nips, and in exchange, they all went to Kunzite's castle.

"Kunzite," begged all of them, "Can we have gas money for Nephrite's car?"

"No, we can take the new car I just bought!" Kunzite insisted.

They all went out to Kunzite's new VW Beetle.

"Aww sweet!" said Jadeite.

"But there's only two seats?" Nephrite noted.

"Awwwwww what a pity" said Kunzite. "Well cya!"

Kunzite and Zoisite drove off.

But Nephrite and Jadeite had grabbed on to the bottom of their car at the last minute.

Jadeite climbed onto the windshield.

Kunzite turned on the wipers and tried to scrape him off like a bug. But Jadeite had firmly planted himself on the windshield, blocking the view.

"Do you even know where we we're going?" asked Jadeite.

"Nah"

"We're going to the grocery to get Beryl a frozen pizza!" Jadeite explained

"I didn't agree to that," Nephrite objected.

"Well I don't know where any grocery stores are," Kunzite told them. "It's not like I just stroll around the Earth realm failing at stealing energy all day."

"There's one right there!" exclaimed Jadeite.

"I can't see anything!" screamed Kunzite, reaching out his window to shove Jadeite off. But Jadeite bit his hand.

In the scrap that followed, no one saw the giant ramp approaching. The car flew up into the air and landed on top of Andrew.

"RIIIIITAAAA!" cried Andrew. "I'll wait for you in hellllllll!"

* * *

Meanwhile, somewhere in Africa, as far from Andrew as Rita could get, Rita felt this strange urge. "TIME TO PARTAAAYA!" celebrated Rita.

* * *

They had conveniently killed Andrew in the Kroger parking lot. They parked the car on top of his corpse and went inside.

Jadeite lept inside the shopping cart with the car in front for little kids.

"PUSH ME KUNZITE!"

"Yea right!" barked Kunzite ignoring Jadeite and walking past him.

"I'll push you," sighed Nephrite.

"Gosh Nephypoo, you're such a Nephy-chan!" Jadeite gushed.

Nephrite pushed him into the girl's bathroom and walked away.

"NUUUUUUUUUU!" Jadeite cried, honking on the kiddie horn.

* * *

Kunzite pushed his cart through the store.

"OMG KUNZITE LOOK!" yelled Zoisite running up to him. "Canned corn for only $2.99! It's usually $3.01!"

"What a steal!" agreed Kunzite, tossing it in.

"OMG BUT LOOK AT THIS! Buy two generic-brand boxes of french fries, get one free!"

"How can I not buy that!" exclaimed Kunzite.

"HOLY GUACAMOLE!" cried Zoisite.

"What is it?"

"This guacamole is only eight bucks a pound!"

"SWEET MOTHER OF BERYL LET'S BUY IT ALL!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Jadeite struggled in the cart.

"OH GAWD WHY DID I CLIMB IN HERE! I CAN'T GET OUT I'M TOO BIG!"

Ms. Haruna walked into the restroom.

"AWWWWUWUHNHWUGHHWJGJG!" she screeched upon seeing him. "PERVERRRRT!"

"I can explain!" Jadeite tried.

She started beating down Jadeite with her purse.

"OOOOF!" he cried. "What do you have in that purse, rocks?!"

He tried again to climb out of the kiddie car, this time through its window. But he got stuck half-way through, and the cart flipped over on top of him.

"HEEEELP!" he cried as Haruna kicked him in the head.

* * *

Nephrite walked into the health food section. "Gluten-free granola, yum!"

Then he went to the work-out section. "Gotta stock up on my protein milkshakes! Milk-free protein milkshakes, that is! Yay energy bars! OOooooo bran cereal!"

He walked past Kunzite's cart.

"Eww, are you trying to eat healthy?" mocked Zoisite.

"Can it fatty!" remarked Nephrite. "Here ya go Kunzite," he said, throwing his groceries in Kunzite's cart while Zoisite ran off to cry.

* * *

Jadeite dragged himself, cart attached, to the very edge of the lady's room. He almost made it out the door.

He got stopped by the employee.

"Hey, didn't we used to date in a past life?" Jadeite asked upon seeing her.

"Oh gawd, it's that guy again. I told you, that isn't canon!" cried Rei.

"Come on baby," he insisted. "You know you want some of this!"

She looked down at him hanging out of the kiddie cart which was on top of him, and threw up.

"You're not allowed to be in the women's restroom," she told him after regaining composure.

"You don't work here!" argued Jadeite.

"Ya I do!"

"Nuh uh!"

"Yeah huh!"

"That's it I'm getting your manager!" threatened Jadeite.

"WAAT!?" cried Rei. "I'm not going back to Grampa's temple!" she muttered to herself.

"Here, my manager is just behind this door!" she said, pulling his cart out the door.

"Where?" asked Jadeite. "This is just an alley with a dumpster!"

Rei gave his cart a push down a hill and slammed and locked the door.

* * *

Zoisite jumped in Nephrite's empty cart (since he had given all his groceries to Kunzite to pay for.)

"QUICK NEPHRITE PUSH ME!"

"Why would I do that?" he asked.

"Don't you want to live a little?" Zoisite encouraged.

"Meh," shrugged Nephrite.

"Now push me as hard as you can!" instructed Zoisite. "In that direction!"

Nephrite followed the instructions and shoved the cart.

"WEEEEEEE!"

But Nephrite pushed the cart too hard and the cart started turning to the right.

"NO NO NO NO NO-" cried Zoisite.

The cart crashed into the side of the aisle with a loud bang. It began spinning Zoisite out of control.

Zoisite fell back in the cart and was pressed by G-force up against the edge.

The cart crashed at terminal velocity into the paper tower stack. The rolls fell everywhere.

Nephrite was running to stop Zoisite's cart from causing any more destruction, but he wasn't fast enough, and by the time he caught up he slipped on paper tower rolls and was sent flying into a stack of soup cans.

They all fell on his head!

"STRIKE!" called Zoisite, clapping.

Nephrite was seeing double. "This is living a little?" he moaned.

He angrily approached Zoisite who was giggling in a pile of paper tower rolls.

"I HAVE A CONCUSSION NOW!" he yelled. "AND JUST WAIT UNTIL THAT WORKER SEES THIS!"

The worker, Rei, overheard this and rushed to see what had happened.

"OH. MY. GAWD. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?" she scolded.

She pulled them by the ear all the way to the front desk.

She went on the announcer. "I have two goofballs up here who have been reeking havoc throughout the store. Can their parent please come to the front desk?"

Kunzite face-palmed. He left his cart filled to the brim with groceries to go retrieve them.

"Are these your kids?" asked Rei.

"No this is my boyfriend and some guy I work with."

"I see," said Rei. "Well keep them under control, or I'm going to have to throw you out, like that one guy."

* * *

"HEEEELP MMEEEE!" yelled Jadeite from outside. He had crashed into a bush and was now getting pecked at by birds. Rei's crows showed up to finish him off.

* * *

Kunzite walked back to his cart. "You know Zoisite, you shouldn't lower yourself to getting dragged into Nephrite's shenanigans."

"I didn't even want to do it!" objected Nephrite.

"Suuuuuure."

But when they got back to Kunzite's cart, it was empty!?

"WAAAA!" he cried loudly, so loudly that Rei ran over to scold him.

"WHAT HAPPENED TO MY GROCeRIES!?" he cried.

"Oh, those were your groceries? They looked like a bunch of random things that some kids threw in a cart."

"Well they were!" said Kunzite, "But I was gonna buy them!"

"Well I restocked them already. Sawry!"

Kunzite fell to the floor and cried.

"It's okay," reassured Nephrite. "I'll just go grab more random items!"

Nephrite ran down the aisle with his arm out, knocking everything into the cart.

"There we go, good as new!" said Nephrite.

"Why did Nephrite get to pick out all the random items?" Zoisite whined. "I wanna throw random shit into a cart too!"

"Well tough luck!" barked Nephrite.

"Naww I'll show you!" Zoisite started grabbing more random items and throwing them in. The items began piling to the ceiling.

"Stop that! It's going to tip oveaAHHHHHH!"

All the groceries rained down from the sky, drowning Nephrite, Zoisite and Kunzite.

Rei just stood and stared at them from afar, shaking her head.

* * *

After regathering their random shit, they headed to the self check out.

Zoisite ran the first can of peas across the scanner.

"Kunzite it's not scanning!"

"WAAT!?" cried Kunzite.

He too tried to scan the can of peas. But he had no luck.

"Just scan another item of the same price twice!" he suggested.

"I can't find one! I'll just scan this caviar twice!"

"NOOO!" cried Kunzite's wallet.

Instead of putting the can of peas in the bag, Zoisite started eating them.

"Item not in the bagging area," the machine said. "Calling assistance!"

"NO NO NO!" they all cried.

Rei angrily stomped over.

"What seems to be the problem?" she said in a very angry voice.

"It says we didn't bag the peas!"

"Did you bag the peas?"

"Do we have to?"

"Yes, put them in."

Zoisite reluctantly put them in, but it didn't register, because the can was empty now.

Rei sighed and swiped her card to clear off the error message.

They went bag to scanning.

"WAIT!" cried Nephrite. "You scanned my protein shakes only four times, but I bagged five protein shakes!"

"It doesn't matter, they won't know!" Zoisite told him, and started shoveling items into the bags without scanning.

"Unexpected item in the bagging area. Calling assistance," the machine announced.

Rei turned around and walked back over. "Stop playing games!"

"We're not!" cried Kunzite, flustered.

Rei swiped the card again, and took two steps away.

"Unexpected item in the bagging area. Calling assistance."

"HAEEELP!" cried Nephrite.

"Which item didn't you scan?" Rei asked furiously.

"WE DON'T KNOWW!" cried Zoisite, who was leaning against the bagging area so that it was registering him as an unexpected item.

"Get off that!" shouted Rei.

"It's still giving the error message!"

"Well take everything out and make sure it has been scanned!"

They took everything out.

"Items not bagged. Calling assistance!" the machine said, before Rei could even turn around.

"It's not letting us continue until you scan your card!"

Rei screamed. "JUST TAKE THE CARD!"

"Sweet! For keeps?"

"NO!"

"Awww"

They kept putting in items, but every single item they put in spammed the calling assistance message. They swiped the card, but it would still summons Rei, and her manager was watching, so she had to walk over each time.

"WHY DID YOU EVEN GO THROUGH THE SELF CHECK OUT, IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO DO IT!?" cried Rei.

"We didn't want to inconvenience you by making you check us out :("

"Uh oh!" said Nephrite, after scanning all his beer. "It says you need to confirm my age is over 21."

"Show me your ID" sighed Rei.

"ID?" he asked. "I don't think we have those in the Negaverse."

"Wait, the Negaverse?" gasped Rei.

"I mean... the Mega - horse!" improvised Nephrite. "Like the Trojans!"

"?" asked Rei.

"Gosh, why don't ya learn some history?" Nephrite groaned exasperated.

"Just put the liquor back," said Kunzite.

"ME!? PUT LIQUOR BACK!?" Nephrite laughed.

"We can't put it back!" cried Zoisite. "It's already in the bagging area! If we take it out it will just call for assistance!"

"Well it won't let us go on until we scan ID!" Kunzite exclaimed, losing it.

"WHAT DO WE DO!?" screamed Nephrite.

"ASSISTANCE!" they all called in unison.

Rei threw down her nametag and stormed out.

"So do we get to keep the card!?" called Nephrite.

Rei came bag and snatched the card and ripped it up. They all cried.

Zoisite picked up Rei's thrown down nametag after she left. "Look, ID!"

They scanned Rei's ID. But she wasn't 21.

The police came.

It took 45 minutes to sort it all out.

"Yes, sorry for the confusion," apologized the cop. "I now understand that you guys are over 1000. Carry on."

They finished up and hit the pay button.

"What do we pay with?" asked Nephrite. "Debit?! Cash?! Credit!?"

"Shit, I didn't bring any money," realized Kunzite.

"Can we open up a tab?" asked Zoisite.

* * *

"We're back with the groceries!" announced Kunzite.

"Oh rly," said Beryl. "It's been three hours. You better have one hella' good frozen pizza."

"Uhhhhh..."

"I have this milk-free protein milkshake!" offered Nephrite.

"Oh boy!" said Beryl. "I'm lactose intolerant but need to work on my muscles! This is perfect!"

"Looks like we slipped under the radar once again," mumbled Zoisite.

"By the way," began Beryl. "Where's Jadeite?"

* * *

Jadeite had finally positioned himself upright, but he was still stuck in the cart.

"Wait, if I just twist my arm like this and put my leg through there, I'll be free!"

But then the cart was jerked and everything was ruined. He was more stuck than before.

"WHO DID THIS?!" he cried.

"Urrhgh hunga hunga," mumbled a homeless man. He started pushing Jadeite's cart away from the store.

"WAT!? WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME!?" cried Jadeite. "LET ME GOOOO! HEEEEAAAALP!"

FIN


	44. Queen Beryl Kills The Shitennou

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

Queen Beryl killed Jadeite.

"What was that for?" asked Nephrite.

"I'm sick of that queerboy being gey 4 days"

"But Queen Beryl-"

Queen Beryl killed Nephrite.

Zoisite showed up. "Hahahaha way to go, Beryl!"

Queen Beryl killed Zoisite.

"What was that for?" asked Kunzite.

"Kunzite go make me a sandwich," demanded Queen Beryl.

Kunzite made her a sandwich.

"Not good enough," said Beryl, smacking the sandwich away and killing Kunzite.

"Evil Mamoru enter my chambers!" she commanded.

Evil Mamoru came in and wasn't evil anymore.

"Shit," said Beryl.

Evil Mamoru killed Beryl.

* * *

A millennium passed, and Queen Metalia revived them all.

The Shitennou all glared at Beryl.

"Heh heh," said Queen Beryl. "No hard feelings, right? I was just having a bad day!"

"I forgive you," said Jadeite.

"Really?" asked Beryl.

"No," said Jadeite, charging Queen Beryl.

He only managed to get one slug in before Queen Beryl disposed of him.

"Queen Beryl, I thought you said you were sorry!" Kunzite exclaimed.

"I was but then he charged me!"

"You could have just slapped him away. Instead you killed him!"

Queen Beryl killed Kunzite.

Zoisite charged her. He only managed to get one slug in before Queen Beryl disposed of him.

Nephrite made a mad dash for the doorway, knowing what was coming.

Queen Beryl chased him down and tackled him to the floor.

"Please Beryl!" he begged. "Not again!"

Queen Beryl ended his story mercilessly.

"Oh well," thought Nephrite. "At least I was last man standing this time!"

Queen Metalia showed up.

"How are those guys I just revived?" Metalia asked.

Queen Beryl charged Metalia. She only got one slug in before being disposed of.

"Dammit," said Metalia, after killing Beryl.

* * *

Queen Metalia waited another 1,000 years before she had enough energy to revive them again.

"Ok guys," said Beryl, as the Shitennou cowered in the corner. "I promise I will not kill you this time."

They all charged Beryl at once. Beryl only managed to get one slug in, before the Shitennou finished her off.

"Wow, we did it!" said Jadeite. "Now we can all share the throne and-"

Nephrite took out Jadeite. "Now the throne is miiiiiine!"

Zoisite charged him, but this time he was ready. Nephrite finished Zoisite in one foul swoop.

Kunzite finished off Nephrite in one foul swoop.

Kunzite jumped off a bridge. "Hope next millennium will work out better," he sighed.

* * *

The next millennium, Queen Metalia realized that bringing them all back was bad news.

She only brought Jadeite back.

"Dang," thought dead Kunzite, "Maybe I shouldn't have taken those rebirths for granted."

Jadeite was happy to be alive.

"Now," began Queen Metalia.

Jadeite charged Queen Metalia.

He finished her off with one blow when she wasn't looking.

"NOOOOO!" cried Metalia. "YOU KNOW NOT WHAT YOU'VE DONE!"

Jadeite just laughed. "Now it's just me, and nothing will stand in my way of a good life!"

Sailor Moon showed up. Sailor Moon killed Jadeite. Metalia wasn't around to bring him back. Jadeite's story was over.

* * *

The Shitennou, Beryl, and Metalia all sat in the cafeteria in Hell.

"That was dumb," stated Beryl.

"Yeah." said Jadeite.

Queen Beryl killed Jadeite. Jadeite went down to Super Hell.

"What was that for?" asked Nephrite.

Queen Beryl sent Nephrite packing to Super Hell.

Queen Beryl grabbed Zoisite and was about to pummel him.

"If you're gonna send him to Super Hell," said Kunzite. "You'll have to go through me!"

Queen Beryl sent them both to Super Hell. But then she got too full of herself and charged Metalia. Metalia took her down with ease.

In Super Hell, there was an awkward silence. Then the Shitennou jumped her, and she fell so deep into the depths of Hell that she landed in Heaven.

Queen Serenity glared at her.

"Heya Queen Serenity!" said Queen Beryl. "No hard feelings, right?

Queen Serenity raised the Moon Crystal at her.

Queen Beryl's story ended.

FIN


	45. Jadeite Gets A Package

"Queen Berly!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

Jadeite gasped when he entered Queen Beryl's throne room and almost everything was gone.

There was a sticky note attatched on Queen Beryl's throne that read "Thanks 4 the l00t boys urs truly, Sailor Scoutz."

Jadeite started screaming.

"What's the deal, Jed?" asked Nephrite entering the room.

"We've been raided!"

"Gosh darn it! I knew we shouldn't have put portals to the Negaverse in random spots just for the luls :(..."

"Queen Beryl's gonna be pissed when she returns," sobbed Jadeite.

"I'M BACK!" called Queen Beryl. "JADEITE, I'M GONNA BE PISSED IF EVERYTHING ISN'T THE SAME IN THERE AS WHEN I LEFT!"

Jadeite and Nephrite yelped and made a hasty retreat behind Queen Beryl's throne.

Queen Beryl entered her throne room and dropped her McDonald's bag in shock.

"WTF" screeched Beryl.

Jadeite casually walked out from behind the throne.

"Ayyyy Beryl! How's it hanging, bud? Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?! WE GOT ROBBED!?"

"Jadeite this is your fault!" barked Beryl.

"How is this my fault?! D:?" asked Jadeite defensively.

"Because you and the other shitboys thought it would be funny to spawn random portals all around!"

"To be honest with you, my Queen, that was 100% Nephrite's idea," explained Jadeite.

"WHAT!?" yelled Nephrite from behind the throne.

"NEPHRITE!"

"Shit!" Nephrite teleported away but Queen Beryl warped him back.

"Gosh darn it!"

"You bozos need to stop this from happening again!" Queen Beryl remarked.

"How?"

"Figure it out! Cause if there's signs of a sailor scout being in here I'm putting you both in eternal sleep!"

Jadeite and Nephrite gulped as Queen Beryl warped away in anger.

"Oh boy we really got ourselves in a sitchyation..." stated Jadeite.

"Yea we need to figure out a way to make this place more secure before Beryl gets back."

A light bulb went off in Jadeite's head. "I got an idea!"

"Uh oh," said Nephrite.

"Come back here in a few hours and all our problems will be solved!"

* * *

Nephrite was sitting home at his house watching the Golden Girls on his VCR player when Jadeite appeared in front of the TV.

"NEPHRITE OUR PROBLEM IS SOLVED!"

"Move out of the way I'm tryna watch TV!" yelled Nephrite shooing Jadeite away.

"Nah, this is more important! Warp back to the castle our package arrived!"

"What package?"

"The solution to our problems!"

Jadeite warped back and Nephrite paused his show and followed reluctantly.

Inside the throne room was a box sitting by the door.

"Behold!" said Jadeite holding up a small box.

Nephrite read the side of the box. "Tomoe Labs, Death Buster Inc. Huh, never heard of it."

Jadeite opened the box and pulled out the contents. He opened up the instructions and read them out loud. "Step 1, put containments of flask into containments of cup."

"What the heck is this stuff?" asked Nephrite examining the flask.

"I don't know but it looks like good news!"

Jadeite poured it into the cup filled with more strange liquid.

It created some pod looking thing that flew into the air.

"What's it doing?" asked Nephrite skeptically.

"Who knows?"

The pod flew up to the wall and phased inside of it.

"Welp there goes $20 :(" said Jadeite sadly.

"Welp there goes our lives"

Suddenly, a box appeared behind them by the door, and connected to it was wires and tubes going across the wall throughout the whole room.

"SECURITY SYSTEM INSTALLED" said a loud robot-like voice throughout the throne room.

"WHOA NEAT!" yelled Nephrite amazed. "But how does it work?"

A large object shot out of the box that looked like the kind of scanners they used to scan serial codess at a grocery. It shot out a red light.

"SCANNING...SCANNING...SCANNING..."

It scanned Nephrite and Jadeite as they stood still.

"SCAN COMPLETE. PERSONNEL IDENTIFIED. HELLO, JADEITE. NEPHRITE."

"Whoaoaoa! Awesome!"

"What could possibly go wrong with this?" asked Jadeite.

Immediately after, there was a knock on the door.

"Hello?!" called Zoisite. "Beryl are you in there? I need to talk to you about taking a personal day..."

"STRANGER LOCATED OUTSIDE THE PREMISES. SCANNING...SCANNING... UNKNOWN PERSONNEL DETECTED."

"What do you mean 'unknown personnel'?! It's me, Zoisite! I've worked here since the Silver Millennium!"

"USER ZOISITE NOT FOUND. SUSPECTED THREAT DETECTED."

"What's going on?!" asked Jadeite. "Why doesn't it recognize Zoisite?"

"I think we were supposed to program him on the allowed user list or something..." suggested Nephrite.

"TERMINATING THREAT IN 5 SECONDS."

"Queen Beryl?! Is this some kind of joke?!" ordered Zoisite angrily.

"5...4...3...2..."

A cannon shot out from the wall and shot a laser at Zoisite and Zoisite barely ducked under it.

"Wtf?!"

A large metal hand shot out from the wall and picked up Zoisite.

"Get your filthy mits off me!" cried Zoisite trying to struggle out.

Another hand appeared and shifted into a golf club. The hand holding Zoisite held him out and the golf club smacked Zoisite like a golf ball into the bottomless abyss around the Negaverse castle. "THREAT NEUTRALIZED."

"Security System!" scolded Nephrite. "I hate Zoisite as much as the next guy but that was just uncalled for!"

"Yea, Zoisite is our friend!" explained Jadite.

"USER FRIEND NOT FOUND." said the security system.

"Man this thing is a piece of junk,"said Nephrite.

"At least we know it can keep the sailors out!"

Zoisite appeared inside of the castle steamed.

"What what that about?!" he barked.

"Sorry Zoisite, buddy, we just installed a new security system and it's still a bit buggy..." Jadeite explained.

"Why doesn't it recognize me?!"

"I guess because you weren't here when we installed it?" guessed Nephrite.

"Well make it! This is where I get my free food!"

"Uhhhhhh how would we go about doing that?" Nephrite asked Jadeite.

Jadeite whipped out the instructions.

"It says the control box is installed at the bottomest part of the location. Like a basement or something."

"Wait we have a basement?"

"Let's just tear it down!" said Zoisite. "If Queen Beryl isn't let into her own throne room she's not gonna be too happy."

"Nah we'll get it to recognize Queen Beryl and you and Kunzite it'll be eZ!"

"You better hope so."

* * *

"Alright that oughta do it!" said Jadeite wiping the sweat off his forehead. "See, that wasn't too hard!"

"Yea, uh huh, that's nice," commented Zoisite taking a sip out of a teacup.

"Zoisite what is that you're drinking?" asked Nephrite.

"IDK I found it on the floor."

"ZOISITE! Don't drink that! That's that weird liquid we used to make the pod!" yelled Jadeite smacking it out of Zoisite's hands onto the floor.

"Geeze, no need to be a dick about it!"

"Whatever, let's just leave guys!" suggested Nephrite.

The shitennou warped away as the liquid in the teacup flowed closer and closer to the control box.

* * *

THE NEXT MORNING

* * *

"My favorite part about car pooling is spending time with my co-workers BEFORE work!" explained Jadeite as him, Nephrite, and Zoisite approached the front Negaverse door.

"STFU Jadeite you queer!" Zoisite barked.

"The only queer here is you, Zoisite," insulted Nephrite.

Zoisite and Nephrite put em up but Jadeite walked up to the door and spotted the newspaper.

"Looks like Beryl hasn't arrived yet..." noted Jadeite.

"Whoa I've never been early to anything before in my life!" called Nephrite.

Zoisite went up and tried to open the door.

"It's not opening!" he grunted struggling to pull it open.

"Nah it just needs some manly strength! Step aside and let me handle this!" Nephrite offered walkin up and pulling at the door. It didn't open.

"You were saying?" Zoisite asked impatiently.

"Ugh I guess that useless security system malfunctioned again :(" Jadeite sighed alittle angry. "Looks like we gotta fix it before Beryl gets here."

Jadeite, Nephrite, and Zoisite warped inside the throne room. When they got inside they instantly noticed red detecting lasers were shooting out in every direction.

"Alright guys," commanded Nephrite. "We just gotta avoid the lasers and SLOWLY get to the control box in the basement..."

All three shitennou tip-toed slowly towards the staircase down behind the throne. "Easy...easy..." whispered Nephrite.

Suddenly Jadeite felt a sudden tingle in his nose.

"Ahhhh...

"JADEITE DON'T!"

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..."

The shitennou tried to stop him but it was too late.

"AHHH CHOOOOO!" he sneezed falling backwards knocking over the other two shitennou and pushing them into the red lights.

"GOSH DAMN IT JADEITE!" scoled Zoisite.

A siren started going off.

"STRANGERS DETECTED! STRANGERS DETECTED! CODE RED CODE RED!"

"We're not strangers!" Nephrite tried to explain. "It's me! Nephrite! Remember?"

"USER NEPHRITE NOT FOUND. TERMINATING STRANGERS A.S.A.P"

Tons of large metal hands and weapons sprung from the wall.

The shitennou stood back to back.

"Alright guys," said Nephrite. "Everyone stay on guard and we can take this dumb machine!"

"IT'S GOT ME!" sobbed Jadeite.

Nephrite and Zoisite turned to see Jadeite getting pulled away by a giant hand.

"Damn it Jadeite!"

A cannon sprung out in front of Nephrite and shot a laser at him.

He stuck out his hand and created a forcefield in front of him blocking it.

"eZ!"

A hand sprung out and grabbed him from behind and pulled him up.

"WAAaAaaaaaAAaAaA!"

A hand tried to grab Zoisite but he socked it. A hand tapped on his shoulder from behind and when Zoisite turned around it suckerpunched him sending him flying.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" yelled Nephrite and Jadeite.

Suddenly, the door swung open with a loud bang and everyone turned.

"KUNZITE!" Zoisite cried.

Kunzite leapt forward and up at lightning speed and karate chopped the top of the arm holding Jadeite causing it to drop him to the ground.

"Thanks, Kunzite!" said Jadeite happily.

"Jadeite what did you do this time?" asked Kunzite angrily.

"WHAT ME?!" gasped Jadeite.

They didn't have time to argue because more hands sprung out and charged them.

Kunzite lept up and shot several boomerang light things breaking several stems of the hands including the one of the hand holding Nephrite.

Nephrite and Zoisite ran up to them.

"We need to get to the central control box!" he explained.

"Leave these hands to me you guys get down there and shut off this abomination!" Kunzite said.

"Will you be able to fight all of them on your own?" asked Zoisite worried.

"Would I be a LORD if I couldn't?!" Kunzite bragged.

"Whatever you say, common boys let's move!"

The three shitennou sprinted down the stairs while Kunzite created a large bubble screaming "COME AT ME BOYZZZZZzzZZZZZZ!"

* * *

They ran down the stairs for hours. Well it felt like hours anyway.

Right when they were almost out of breath they reached the bottom and ran into the long hallway that led to the basement.

"Up there is the door!" yelled Nephrite.

"Yea we got this eZ" said Zoisite not paying attention.

Suddenly a steel wall dropped down separating Zoisite from Nephrite and Jadeite.

"HA REKT ZOISITE!" mocked Nephrite.

"We'll go on without you!" called Jadeite.

"You two can suck it!" yelled Zoisite from behind the wall.

"Sorry can't hear you!" called Nephrite pulling Jadeite as he continued to run.

They both ran as steel walls dropped down each time almost stopping them in their path.

Finally they reached the door to the basement.

"Steel walls have no effect on me!" said Nephrite proudly.

"Alright Nephrite, open the door!" commanded Jadeite.

"What?! You open it!"

"No way! There's definitely some kind of trap inside it."

"Oh so you want ME to open it?"

"Yea I mean unless you admit I'm more worthy of your rank or something..."

"ALRIGHT FINE!" cried Nephrite swinging open the door.

"See! No traps!"

Almost immediately after, a laser from inside the door shot Nephrite knocking him out.

"Oops" said Jadeite.

Jadeite ran inside and spotted the control box, but tons of hands and other dangerous weapons sprung out in front of them blocking it.

Jadeite sighed and ran inside and slugged a hand. He shot a laser blast at another destroying it.

More hands sprung out at him and Jadeite had no choice but to make a mad dash for the box.

He had a moment of pure luck and managed to make it all the way to the box without losing a hair. He took out a mallet and began smashing the box like a mad man. All the hands that were fighting Kunzite went back into the wall followed by all the wires connecting everything. The walls sprung up that were in front of Zoisite.

When the other three shitennou ran in Jadeite was on the floor panting.

"WE DID IT!" yelled Nephrite happily.

"Yea but what are we gonna do about our security problems?" asked Zoisite.

"We're just gonna have to hope the sailors don't manage to get in again..." sighed Jadeite.

* * *

That night the sailors came in and killed Queen Metalia and everyone else and the Negaverse was no more.


	46. Queen Beryl's Quest For Knowledge

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Can it, Jadeite! Fetch me something to read!" commanded Beryl.

"Umm..." Jadeite thought, looking around. Finally he passed her a book.

She read the cover out loud. "The Holy Bible?! HSSSSSSS!" She started hissing and her hand holding the book started to burn. She chucked it at Jadeite. "GET THIS VILE BOOK AWAY FROM ME!"

"But Queen Beryl!" gasped Jadeite. "That's the Holy Bible!"

"Exactly!" she hissed. "IT BUUUUURNS!"

"Well gosh Queen I don't know what to say."

"SEND IN A BETTER SHITENNOU!"

Nephrite strutted up with shades on and presented Queen Beryl with the job listings section of the news paper.

"WHAT IS THIS!?" Queen Beryl hissed. She threw down the newspaper pages because they started to physically burn her again.

"I was thinking you might want to get a day job, Queen Barley!" Nephrite explained.

"A DAY JOB!?"

"Ye because you just sit in your throne all day. You could be bringing in some extra cash for Jadeite's overly expensive and complicated schemes!"

"I agree!" agreed Jadeite.

"A DAY JOB!? THAT SIMPLY WON'T WORK!" she gawked.

"That's two things in this house that WON'T WORK!" Nephrite noted.

Queen Beryl was STEAMED. Fumes came out of her ears.

"Send in Zoisite! I'm sure he won't do anything to upset me!"

"Queen BerIap I have the perfect thing for you to read!" Zoisite announced.

"Great!" exclaimed Queen Beryl.

"It's the employment health laws and code of conduct of the North Pole region. They're pretty strict about not overworking and/or killing your employees, you might want to look into that!"

"YUCK!" shouted Beryl, throwing it down. Her hand was now burnt to a crisp.

"KUNZITE GIVE ME SOMETHING GOOD TO READ THIS INSTANT!"

"Ok!" said Kunzite. "This is a fairy tale from the Silver Millennium Moon Kingdom!"

"Ok..." Beryl said cautiously. "Is it about the time everyone died?"

"No," Kunzite explained. "It's about this lady who had the hots for Prince Endymion but then he dumped her for Princess Serenity and then-"

Queen Beryl killed Kunzite.

"WHY QUEEN BERYL WHY!?" Zoisite gasped. "That violates code C-342 of the employment handbook: Employers who kill their workers will face the maximum penalty of the law!"

"Shit!" cried Queen Beryl, killing Zoisite.

"Way to go Queen Beryl!" Nephrite cheered.

"Shut it, you lil' ninny!" Beryl told him. "That guy was trying to kill you for years and you do nothing. I wish you would do your job like a good evil employee!"

"Why don't you get someone who's JOB it is, to DO, that JOB?!" Nephrite screamed.

"What are you suggesting!?" Beryl screeched.

"Only that the JOB of some people is to GET a JOB!"

"Are you suggesting I get a day job?"

"Yes."

Queen Beryl killed Nephrite.

"Jadeite you're up next!" said Beryl.

"What did I do!?" he gasped.

"I don't remember but I'm sure it was something. Now SLEEP ETERNALLY!"

Jadeite made a break for it, but Beryl chased him down with ease.

"WTF this isn't supposed to happen! I thought you couldn't leave your throne!" Jadeite wailed.

"Why would you think that?" Beryl wondered.

"Because I've never seen you leave your throne!"

"Oh. Well I can!"

"Shit!" cried Jadeite.

"Any last words?" Beryl asked.

"Queen Beryl, I wish I could have worked for you forever! But you are trying to kill me now, so I'm sorry I have to do this!"

"Do what?" Beryl questioned, but before he could respond, she charged him.

Jadeite took a bucket of holy water and threw it at Queen Beryl.

"AAAAA IT BURNS!" she cried as she melted into dust.

"Phew that was a close one!" Jadeite said in relief. "Now first rule since I'm the new king, Taco Tuesday every Wednesday!"

"King Jadeite!" called Metalia. "Report to me at once!"

"Yes ma'am!" said ol' Jadeo.

"Jadeite, bring me something good to read!" commanded Metalia.

"Ok, here is the plot summary of Episode 46!"

"YUCK!" screeched Metalia. "THe HORRORS!"

She burnt Jadeite to a crisp and cried because she had nothing to read. But then she realized she was just a blob without eyes, and was cool with it.

FIN


	47. Nephrite's Birthday Party

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Jadeite, do you have any plans this evening?" Queen Beryl asked.

"Umm... no...?"

"Good, good," said Beryl, smirking.

"Beryl why are you looking at me like that!?" Jadeite asked nervously.

"Well, if you don't have any plans for tonight, I have something for you to do..." Queen Beryl winked.

Jadeite gulped.

* * *

"Jadeite, I'm so glad you could make it to my sleepover! I haven't had friends here in ages!" Queen Beryl laughed, beating down Jadeite with a pillow.

Jadeite held up a pillow to defend himself.

"Jadeite put the pillow down or you will sleep eternally," threatened Beryl.

"Queen Beryl I thought we were friends now!"

"This is how I treat my friends!"

"No wonder you haven't had a friend here in ages..."

Queen Beryl put Jadeite in an eternal sleep.

* * *

Jadeite, Nephrite, Zoisite, and Kunzite sat in the Nega Bagel Shop.

"So," began Nephrite. "As many of you may already know, tomorrow is my birthday!"

"Nobody cares," said Zoisite.

"I care!" objected Jadeite.

"Shut up Jadeite," said Nephrite.

"Awww :("

"So anyway... since I'm sure you all must be having a hard time picking out gifts to fit my sophisticated tastes, I made a birthday wishlist to help you guys out!" he told them.

"What's on it?" Kunzite asked disinterestedly.

Nephrite began reciting the list from memory. "A telescope, a harmonica, a three quart bottle of 18th century fine Belgian wine, chocolate scented moisturizing hair conditioner, a Tuxedo Mask cosplay costume, a Ferrari-"

"No."

":("

":)"

"Well the least you can do is come to my birthday party!"

"Where's the invite?" Jadeite asked.

"I emailed it to all of you!"

"Oh, well it must have gone directly to trash," Zoisite told him.

"That's strange..." Nephrite pondered. "It shouldn't do that."

"I set it up so that anything from you gets instantly deleted."

"BUT WHY?!" Nephrite gasped.

"Because you kept sending me chain letters!"

"It's not my fault Queen Beryl keeps forwarding me ones that say if I don't send it to ten people, I'll end up in an eternal sleep!" Nephrite exclaimed defensively.

Jadeite just laughed. "I can't believe you would really fall for those stupid scams. I get that letter from her all the time, and I've never sent it to anyone. And nothing bad has ever happened to me!"

"So yeah, be sure to come to my birthday party!" Nephrite repeated, taking off.

"Where's he off to in such a hurry?" wondered Kunzite.

* * *

"Hiya Katy!" Coach Maxfield Stanton said to his student, Molly's sister.

"Hey Coach! I've been practicing spiking the tennis ball into the ground for weeks now, and I've been making progress!"

"Keep up the good work! Also your mom still owes me for the past eight weeks of lessons, so be sure to remind her to fork over the cash!" reminded Nephrite.

* * *

It was the day of Nephrite's birthday party.

"OH BOY THIS IS GONNA BE GREAT!" he thought as he showed up at the minigolf course.

"The guests will be arriving any minute now!"

Five hours passed, and no guests arrived.

"...Not even Molly?" Nephrite said sadly.

As it turned out, Molly had actually tried to come, but she couldn't get a lift to the North Pole. She was very frustrated with her mother for refusing to drive her, so she stole the finest jewel from the jewelry store and ran away. She got five blocks from her house before it got stolen by muggers, and her family's store went out of business. They moved into a cardboard box next door to Jadeite.

"Dawgonnit," Nephrite moped. "This is the worst birthday ever! Ever worse than the year Molly bought me a chocolate milkshake, and I learned the hard way that I was lactose intolerant!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed a voice from somewhere nearby.

"Go away!" Nephrite yelled at Zoisite.

"HAHAHAHA nobody came to your party!" Zoisite mocked.

"Yes they did!" lied Nephrite. "They all had so much fun that they got worn out very early on and had to go home!"

"YA RIGHT HAHHAHA YOU SUCK!"

"Wow Zoisite even on my birthday?"

"Especially on your birthday! HAR HAR HAR!"

"Calm down there Satan," Nephrite requested politely.

"No, you can suck it birthday bozo!"

"I couldn't care less that nobody came to my party!" Nephrite shouted. "It's just a shame that the all-access wristbands I got to the mini golf/go karts/bumper cars/arcade will have to go to waste!"

Zoisite was quiet for a moment. "...Did you say mini golf?"

* * *

"YAAAAY! ANOTHER HOLE IN ONE!" Zoisite exclaimed, skipping over to the next hole.

"You know it doesn't really count when you levitate the ball into the hole each time. It's not much of a challenge, either," Nephrite tried to explain.

"SUCK IT NEPHRITE!"

Nephrite wanted to actually play the mini golf, so he was hitting the ball with the club. "Got it in in two shots!" he applauded himself. "Not too shabby!"

"BOOOOO YOU SUCK!" Zoisite heckled. "I AM CHAMPION OF MINIGOLF! YOU WILL BOW BEFORE MY SUPERIOR MINI GOLF SKILLS AND WEEP!"

"Quiet down!" a lady yelled. "I am trying to have a relaxing day with my family!"

"THERE IS NOTHING RELAXING ABOUT MINI GOLF! IT IS THE MOST INTENSE AND FAST PACED GAME THERE IS, AND IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE IT, GO EAT A BUCKET OF-"

"I'm very sorry for my... uhhhhh... coworker," Nephrite apologized. "You see he's never played mini golf before and-"

"Well you should be sorry!" the lady's husband yelled. "Your coworker is scaring our children!"

"BACK OFF OLD MAN!" yelled Zoisite. "YOU KNOW THAT'S REAL LOW, HARASSING SOMEONE ON THEIR BIRTHDAY!"

Nephrite was confused. "But you just..."

"AND IF YOU THINK THAT WAS SCARING YOUR CHILDREN, HOW ABOUT THIIIIIS!"

Zoisite lit the children on fire.

The parents starting screaming and pulled out a phone to call the police. The police appeared instantly and all pulled their guns on Zoisite.

"We have you surrounded! You're done for!" the cops announced.

"OH NO!" cried Zoisite. "It's not like I can teleport away or anything!"

At first, Nephrite thought Zoisite was just mocking the cops, because he knew his fellow Shitennou couldn't possibly forget about his ability to teleport! But then Zoisite started crying for real and Nephrite felt kind of bad.

"GO LEO GO!" Nephrite yelled, summoning Leo the Lion from the stars. Leo flew down and mauled all the cops. The cops tried to shoot the lion but because he was made of stars the bullets were ineffective.

"Great work Leo!" said Nephrite. "Now go back up in the sky!"

But Leo the Lion had now tasted human flesh and had an unquenchable thirst for it. It went around mauling everyone in the park, including the burning children and their parents.

Zoisite was floating upside-down laughing hysterically, but then the lion charged him. "Shit!" he cried, quickly teleporting away.

"BUT IF YOU COULD- THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST- OMG!" cried Nephrite in frustration.

Leo the Lion heard Nephrite's exasperated sigh, and turned around and charged him.

"Uh oh!" he cried making a run for it. The lion chased after him.

Jadeite appeared with his arms full of presents. "Hey Nephy, I was caught up with sleeping eternally, but now I'm here to partayyy!" Then he spotted the lion. He remembered an incident not so long ago when Zoisite had triple dog dared him to jump into a lion's pen. It had not gone very well, and since then, he had been deathly afraid of lions.

"HAHAHAHAHA NOPE!" he said warping away.

Nephrite was still running from the lion. But it was gaining on him. He made a wild leap onto a go kart and took off.

"Phew," he said in relief, once he had gotten so far away that the funpark was out of sight. "That was a close one!"

Something bumped into his kart. "Hey, watch where you're going, buster!" Nephrite yelled, honking the horn.

The kart that had bumped him was gaining on him and was about to get in front of him. Nephrite looked over to see who the jerk driver was who was trying to run him off the road.

He gasped. It was Leo!

Before Nephrite could even scream, Leo drove his kart in front of Nephrite's and slammed on the break. Nephrite smashed into him and was thrown from his kart.

"Aaaaa!" he cried as he flew through the air. He braced himself for his demise. "Welp this is where my story ends."

But to his surprise, rather than landing on the concrete and dying, he landed on something soft. He looked up to see what it was.

It was the lion.

The lion went to maul him, but realized after taking one bite that he had green blood.

"Eww!" said Leo. "This isn't the human blood that I have grown accustomed to! I am off, good day, sir!"

The Lion stood up on his hind legs and walked away into the sunset.

"Where will you go now, Leo?" Nephrite wondered.

"Wherever the wind takes me... Wherever the wind-" The Lion caught the scent of a hitchhiker and ran away to go maul him.

"They grow up so fast," Nephrite sighed. He warped back to the funpark.

To his surprise, Zoisite was still there, stealing the wallets of the mauled victims.

"Oh heya Nephrite!"

"Zoisite y are you still here?" Nephrite asked.

"The party hasn't ended yet, has it?"

"Umm... nope!" Nephrite replied.

* * *

They went and played at the arcade for ten hours.

Since all the employees were dead, they were able to go in the machines and steal quarters and tickets out. They tipped over that game where you put a coin in and see if it pushes other coins off the shelf. They won skeeball by climbing up on the ramp because there was no one to stop them.

"Thanks for inviting me, Nephrite, this was so much fun!" Zoisite exclaimed.

Nephrite looked shocked.

"Shit!" cried Zoisite, realizing what he had just said. "I mean... FAG!"

Nephrite just smiled. Zoisite went to slug him but he dodged.

They went up to the front desk to cash in their tickets AKA just take all the prizes out because there were no employees.

"Let me count your tickets!" an employee suddenly said, stopping them in their tracks.

"Huh?" Nephrite asked. "I thought the lion killed all of you!"

"The what? My shift just started!" the worker responded.

"Darn," they both said, letting the employee count their tickets.

Nephrite picked out his prizes first. "I'll take the rubber duckie, the bouncy ball, the 2000000 ticket lava lamp, the sticky dinosaur... Say, do you have fine Belgian wine by any chance?"

"No," said the employee. "This is a park for children."

"Eh bruh no need to judge! Fine then, just give me 30 of the temporary tattoos."

"Sorry sir, you're all out of tickets."

"WAT! Where did they all go!? D'awww, I bet it was the bouncy ball. Over priced piece of-"

"And what would you like deary?" the employee asked Zoisite.

"30 temporary tattoos! And one of everything else!"

The employee slaved away at giving Zoisite one of each item in the whole prize booth.

"You have five tickets left," the employee informed him.

"Oh well, I got everything I wanted! You can keep them!" Zoisite replied.

"Lovely," said the employee, going to throw them out.

But then Zoisite had a change of heart. "Actually, can I get another Jolly Rancher with them?"

"Lovely," said the employee, handing him another Jolly Rancher.

"What do you need two Jolly Ranchers for?" asked Nephrite.

"Happy birthday!" said Zoisite, handing him the grape one.

"Really?!" Nephrite gasped in shock. "For me?"

"Yep!"

"D'awwwwwww" said Nephrite.

"BYE FAGGOT!" Zoisite yelled, warping away. "I HATED GRAPE ANYWAY!"

* * *

When Zoisite got home, he tried to sneak through the castle so Kunzite wouldn't see him coming in with the prizes. He didn't want to explain why he had arcade prizes instead of rainbow crystals.

"Hey Zoisite, I heard you went to Nephrite's birthday party!"

Zoisite spun around to see Kunzite sitting on a throne reading a newspaper.

"WHAT! HOW DID YOU FIND OUT!?"

Kunzite held up the newspaper. Zoisite read the headline out loud. "Gay Boy Kills Twelve at Local Funpark."

"Wow Kunzite, how rude! You hear a gay guy killed people and you automatically assume it was me?!"

"Read the sub-header," Kunzite told him, handing him the paper.

"The deaths were caused by fire and magical petals," Zoisite read. "Heh heh... Well just because I was at the funpark doesn't mean I was there for Nephrite's birthday party!"

"Read the next page."

Zoisite flipped the page over and read the next headline. "In later news, Zoisite goes to Nephrite's birthday party!?"

Zoisite gasped. Kunzite just shook his head.

* * *

"Welp that was a fun birthday!" Nephrite said to himself as he returned to his mansion, sucking on the grape Jolly Rancher. "Too bad I was unable to get all the stuff on my birthday wishlist :("

Suddenly, he heard a rustling sound coming from his observatory.

He opened the door slowly, and the lights turned on.

"SURPRISE!" yelled the stars.

In the middle of the room was a Ferrari, filled with all the other stuff on Nephrite's birthday wishlist.

"My booze! My telescope! MY HARMONICA!" he cried with glee.

"No prob, buddy!" replied the stars.

"Thanks guys!" Nephrite exclaimed joyfully. "I can always count on you!"

FIN


	48. Kunzite Stares At Crystals

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"What is it, Jadeite?" Queen Beryl asked.

"Ermm..."

"Ummmmm..."

Queen Beryl raised an eyebrow.

"Ehmmmmmmmmm..."

"Hrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..."

Queen Beryl raised another eyebrow.

"Ok look I'm gonna come clean," Jadeite told her. "I had one, I really did. But you see-"

"QUEEN BERYL!" screamed Zoisite rushing into the room.

"Don't you ever knock?" asked Beryl.

"We don't have a door, my Queen."

"Very well then. You get a pass this time but you're running out of second chances."

"QUEEN BERYL WE GOT THE RAINBOW CRYSTALS!" he exclaimed.

Kunzite appeared then. "You mean I got the rainbow crystals!"

"Suck in Kunzite!" yelled Zoisite.

"I told you, not in public!"

"What's all this gibberish about?" asked Nephrite teleporting in. "I'm trying to get my beauty sleep over here."

"Why aren't you at your house?" asked Jadeite.

"I rented it out for spare cash."

"YOU MEAN TO TELL ME YOU GOT THE RAINBOW CRYSTALS!?" gasped Beryl.

"It was eZ we just told Mamoru to put them in the middle," Kunzite and Zoisite explained.

"And he just put them in the middle?"

"Yep it was that easy all along!"

"For once, and only for once, you guys were not let downs," Beryl applauded. "Now I'm going to go celebrate this victory with Wiseman in the future, I'll be back in a few months/years!"

"But Queen Beryl!" interrupted Kunzite. "Where do you want us to store the crystals until then?"

"In an opened box, of course!" Beryl told him.

"A box?" asked Jadeite.

"Yeah, like a jewelry box!" Queen Beryl explained. "Like one specially made with 7 rainbow crystal shaped slots, and it's gotta look pretty!"

"Queen Beryl," Zoisite asked. "Shouldn't we store them somewhere safer than that?"

"What could possibly happen?" Beryl scoffed. "I'm getting real sick of your shit Zoisite, it's the end of the ropes!"

"BUT I JUST GOT ALL THE CRYSTALS!?"

"Nope no excuses. Back to work fools!"

Beryl teleported away screaming "IMA GONNA WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!"

"Alright I better store these away in me castle," Kunzite decided.

"Hold up!" said Jadeite. "Let me take a quick glance!"

Kunzite stood there impatiently, as Jadeite eyed the crystals.

"Alright that's enough!" Kunzite yelled, teleporting home.

Zoisite followed. "Say, since I got them, can I have a look?"

"NO!" shouted Kunzite.

"But Jadeite got to look at them!"

Nephrite appeared then. "This is no fair! How come they get to be in YOUR castle?"

"Because we got them," Kunzite responded.

"Well I layed all the groundwork out, you guys just swooped in and picked up the pieces!" Nephrite argued.

"Get out of my house or I will throw you out!"

"Ok just pass me the rainbow crystals and I'll be on my way," Nephrite insisted.

Kunzite threw him off the roof.

When Kunzite came back downstairs, Zoisite was holding the crystals and staring at them.

"ooooooOOOOoooooOOO! Pretty! Shiny!"

"PUT THEM DOWN!" yelled Kunzite. "They're MIIIINE!"

Zoisite made a wild dash with the crystals.

However, Jadeite had already planted a trip wire, so when he ran out the door, he tripped, throwing the box into Jadeite's hands.

Jadeite made a dash back into their castle.

"Stop him!" cried Zoisite.

"Ok!" said Nephrite, appearing above Jadeite upside-down and reaching down and snatching the crystals. He started flying toward Queen Beryl's castle.

But Kunzite shot him out of the sky. He fell down to Earth, as did the box of crystals.

"I GOT EM I GOT EM!" Jadeite shouted with his arms out about to catch the crystals.

But Zoisite tackled him to the ground and Kunzite ran and swooped up the crystals.

"HAHAH!" yelled Kunzite laughing and running back to his castle. But then he fell in a bottomless pit. As he fell, Nephrite snatched the crystals and ran straight up the wall. But when he got to the top, a piano was dropped on him, sending him flying down but the crystals flew up. Zoisite grabbed them and made a dash in a random direction.

"HAHAHAHAHA they're mine!" he yelled as he held them up above his head.

"YOUCH!" he cried when something hit him in the hand.

"Hahahaha so much for your fair fight!" called Mamoru, flying away with the crystals.

"Crap I can never keep up with him," Zoisite lamented.

"Shit!" cried Nephrite. "Look what you did!"

But Jadeite was prepared. As Mamoru reached the stratosphere, Jadeite intersected him with plane, killing Mamoru.

The crystals fell to the ground like a meteor, catching fire.

"SHIIIIT!" yelled Kunzite. He flew up to catch them with a catching mit but they were coming too fast and flew right threw his mit. "YOUCH!"

As they spiraled to the ground, Nephrite threw down a trampoline. "This'll stop them from smashing!"

But they bounced off, knocking over Nephrite. Zoisite picked them up from his corpse, and stood in one spot laughing about having them.

Kunzite tapped him on the shoulder, and then grabbed them when he turned around.

"ENOUGH!" he yelled, shooting down Jadeite who was flying in for the kill. "We need to figure out where to put these."

"I have an idea!" suggested Nephrite, crawling to his feet. "Let's all have joint custody of the crystals! I'll get them week days, Jadeite'll have them Saturday, and Kunzite can have them Sunday."

"Wait, when do I get them?" asked Zoisite.

"Drats, looks like there aren't enough days in the week. What a pity."

"We're not doing that," said Kunzite angrily.

"Well what's your idea?" Nephrite asked skeptically.

* * *

Kunzite snapped the handcuff on his hand that connected to the box.

"There we go," he said, hopping on his stool. The box was on a second stool.

"The box is staying right here until Beryl gets back."

"Alright can we at least look at them?" Jadeite asked sadly.

"No, there's only room for one looker," explained Kunzite with his face in the box so no one else could see.

"BUT I NEED TO SEE THE CRYSTALS!" begged Jadeite.

"You already got your turn, bozo," said Zoisite. "I haven't seen them once, not even when I collected them!"

"But that was like four hours ago!" whined Jadeite.

"We need a plan!" Nephrite declared. "Kunzite won't let us see them, and we need to gaze at them!"

"I have an idea," offered Jadeite. "Zoisite and Nephrite create a diversion while I steal the crystals!"

"Brilliant!" said Nephrite. "But I have one critique."

"Uh oh," said Jadeite.

"I think you should create the diversion while I steal the crystals!"

"No way! We only need one person making a diversion, Zoisite?"

"Nah I'd rather have Kunzite have them than you chumps!" he said, taking off to scheme on his own.

"Fine be that way," barked Nephrite. "I have a better idea!"

* * *

Nephrite and Jadeite waited nine hours.

Finally, Kunzite fell asleep.

"Here we go!" Jadeite said loudly as they tiptoed toward him.

As they tiptoed slowly and cautiously, they spotted Zoisite tiptoeing in from the other side.

"HEY!" whisper-yelled Nephrite. "We had our eyes on them first!"

"I'm the one who got them!" Zoisite yelled. "And besides, Jadeite is just going to take them for himself, you shouldn't work with him!"

"Yeah," Jadeite admitted, ashamed. "I was."

"Wow, I'm so hurt," said Nephrite.

Jadeite turned to apologize, but Nephrite slugged him and sped quietly toward the crystals.

It was a race against Zoisite and they both reached there at the same time. They grabbed the box.

"BACK OFF CHUMP THESE ARE MINE!"

"NOOOOO!"

They started loudly slugging it out. Jadeite crawled over behind the the stool, and reached up and nabbed the box.

Kunzite stirred in his sleep. "Hrmmm, curse you Chiba!"

Everyone froze. Then he went back to sleep.

Jadeite was halfway across the ground crawling away, when Nephrite and Zoisite spotted him.

They charged him.

"WAAA!" screamed Jadeite.

Kunzite woke up.

Nephrite stared directly at him. "Don't move," said Nephrite slowly. "If we don't move, he can't see us!"

Kunzite shot a laser directly at Nephrite.

"Oh no he sees us!" he cried. But Nephrite thought fast. He snatched the crystals and used his teleportation!

Back at his mansion, he basked in the glory. He opened the box ready to gloat. But inside, there were no crystals, just painted Easter eggs.

"DAAAARN YOOU!" he screamed, and it echoed through the woods.

"KEEP IT DOWN!" yelled Nephrite's tennant, Hotaru. "I needed to get away from home because I am Satan, but this is not much of an improvment!"

"Shut it!" barked Nephrite.

* * *

Back in Kunzite's castle, Jadeite and Zoisite layed on the ground moping about the loss of the crystals.

"Good thing he grabbed the fake crystals!" laughed Kunzite. "Now I have the real crystals all to myself!"

Jadeite leaped up and sucker punched Kunzite. He caught the crystal box mid-air and teleported away.

He teleported back in five seconds and threw the empty box down in anger. "Screw you Kunzite!" he yelled. "It's one thing to have a fake-out crystal box, but it's another thing to write on all the crystals, 'Jadeite is a faggot!'"

Jadeite warped back to his empty dark space and thought about his life's choices.

"Way to trick the dunces, Kunzite!" Zoisite complimented, putting his arm around Kunzite. "Now that they're gone, let's get a look at those crystals!"

"Fat chance," scoffed Kunzite. "I'm taking these crystals and going to bed."

"Oh boy I'll come!" exclaimed Zoisite.

"Nah not tonight honey," said Kunzite.

"Nah I think I'll just tag along," Zoisite insisted.

"Leave me alone, gayboy!" yelled Kunzite, teleporting into his room and locking the door.

Zoisite banged on the door while Kunzite drooled over the crystals.

"I just want to go to bed!" he whined.

"Sleep on the couch!" Kunzite yelled in an inattentive voice, because he was so dazed by the crystals.

Suddenly the door was being chopped down by an axe.

Jadeite stuck his face through the hole in the door he made. "Here's Jadey!" he yelled.

"BACK OFF!" cried Kunzite, throwing a table lamp at Jadeite and hitting him on the head. He was knocked unconscious.

Nephrite drove his car through the door and charged Kunzite. Nephrite threw many blows, but unfortunately he didn't throw enough. Kunzite ended his story.

"You gonna attack me too?" he asked Zoisite.

"I would never!" Zoisite cried in a hurt tone. "Now if you don't mind, I'm going to sleep!" He laid down in the bed, forming a crystal behind Kunzite's back. He shot it at him but Kunzite caught it.

"Heh heh," said Zoisite nervously. "Does this mean you don't want to snuggle?"

Kunzite impaled Zoisite with his own crystal. He was no more.

Jadeite awoke from his unconscious state and charged in like a mad man. He threw a punch but Kunzite caught it. He grabbed Jadeite by the wrist and pulled him off the ground with one hand. With the other hand, he repetitively threw 163 consecutive blows. By the 164th blow, nothing was left of Jadeite but his shoes.

"At last, I have these crystals all to myself!" Kunzite chortled. He sat down and was able to stare at the crystals in peace at last.

But three seconds later, the crystals flew away.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!" gasped Kunzite, grasping desperately at the crystals. They phased right through his hands, opened a window, and flew out of it.

They formed the Silver Imperium Crystal on Sailor Moon's Moon Wand.

"Shit," said Kunzite. "Maybe if I wasn't staring at them like an idiot, and had a lid on the box..."

Queen Beryl came home.

"Alright Kunzite I'm ready for the crystals!"

Kunzite appeared in Beryl's palace. "Heya Beryl."

"Kunzite what have you done with the crystals?" Queen Beryl asked, realizing they were not on him.

"Well about that..." he said abashed.

Suddenly Sailor Moon burst through the newly installed door.

"Dammit I knew I shouldn't have put one of those!" Beryl exclaimed.

Sailor Moon started blasting them with the crystal.

"Kunzite protect me while I make a break for it!" Beryl yelled, but he was already gone.

Beryl was disposed of. Next, Sailor Moon knocked on Queen Metalia's door.

"Come in, Beryl," shouted Metalia. "But make it snappy!"

Sailor Moon came in and wiped Metalia off the face of the Earth.

"I made it snappy!" laughed Sailor Moon.

* * *

Meanwhile Kunzite was back at his castle, very wounded.

"Heya Zoisite wanna get me some band-aids?"

There was no response.

Kunzite looked over at him twitching on the bed.

"Shit," said Kunzite. "I've dun' did an oopsie!"

He was unable to get band-aids and thus died from internal bleeding.

FIN


	49. Jadeite Gets Kidnapped By Lesbians

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"...?" asked Queen Beryl.

"Instead of targeting a large group of people, we'll steal energy from just one person who is at the peak of their energy!"

"Brilliant!" exclaimed Queen Beryl. "Why didn't you think of that, Nephrite?"

Nephrite started sputtering. "But I- but you- but he- but...but...butt...but?!"

Nephrite spontaneously combusted.

"Enough buts!" scolded Queen Beryl. "Get to work, Jadeite!"

"Alright I'll hop right on that," responded Jadeite. "So Nephrite, who's at the peak of their energy?"

There was no response.

"Uh oh" said Jadeite.

* * *

Jadeite and the gang walked down the street. Nephrite had recovered, but was not very happy. He refused to help Jadeite.

"Hmm it will come to me," thought Jadeite. "Person... at the peak... of their energy! EASY!"

Suddenly he spotted a couple which consisted of a seemingly male blond person and an aqua haired female.

"I bet they're at the peak of their energy," thought Jadeite. "Let's get em!"

Jadeite transformed into Maxfield Stanton.

"But I.. but he... but they..." Nephrite started sputtering.

Zoisite backhanded him to make him get his act together.

Jadeite/Maxfield leaped on the table that the couple was sitting at. "I'm going to steal your energy!" he announced.

"Ok," they said laughing.

"YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME!?" Jadeite demanded. He went to take their energy.

"Hey look over there, a new source of energy!" they shouted.

"Where?!" cried Jadeite, spinning around. "Wait a second."

But by the time he turned back around, he found himself face to face with Sailor Uranus and Neptune.

"WOAH! Why is that guy cross dressing?" Jadeite asked in shock. "Are you like a Starlight or something?"

"You idiot, I'm a girl," said Sailor Uranus.

"No way," said Jadeite. "But you have a girlfriend! That would make you like... like.. like.." Jadeite started sputtering.

The rest of the Shitennou jumped in to protect Jadeite in his vulnerable stuttering state.

Kunzite tackled Sailor Uranus.

"Uranus World Shaking!" she yelled.

Kunzite started spazzing out just like Jadeite. "WTF is this?!" he demanded in anger and shame.

Uranus sucker punched him, knocking him out.

Zoisite was enraged at Kunzite's untimely KO.

"Stop beating up my boyfriend!" he demanded. "You gay people are the worst!"

"You take that back!" yelled Neptune, shooting him with a Neptune Deep Submerge.

"I'm drowning!" he cried. "Wait no I'm not. That wasn't a water attack at all. WTF," he said, disappointed.

Neptune finished off Zoisite.

"Hahaha," laughed Nephrite. "Just because you could take out those homos doesn't mean you stand a chance against the Dark Kingdom's finest and straightest!"

"You take that back!" yelled Neptune and Uranus, finishing off Nephrite with a single blow to the chest.

"Now that that's over with," Uranus started to say.

"Hey I'm still here!" yelled Jadeite, regaining composure.

"You're chopped liver," they told him, and started making out.

"But I- but they- but... girls!" he cried, fleeing.

Sailors Neptune and Uranus flew away.

* * *

The Shitennou eventually regained consciousness and regrouped.

"Man that was a brutal beatdown," admitted Jadeite.

"Well maybe if I had some help," Nephrite complained.

"Can it," barked Zoisite.

"Put a sock in it!" yelled Kunzite.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" cried Jadeite. "I hate it when you guys fight!" he sobbed.

"Awww, we're sorry," said Nephrite. "There there," he comforted.

"No we're not," said Zoisite.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" cried Jadeite. "I hate it when you guys fight!" he sobbed.

"So anyway," said Kunzite. "How are we going to take them down? We can't allow those who have defeated us to continue walking this Earth!"

"Let's get them by surprise!" suggested Zoisite.

"You mean like a surprise party?" asked Jadeite.

"Jadeite," began Zoisite.

Jadeite flew out the window and crashed to the ground.

"But we don't know their civilian identities!" Nephrite stated. "All we know is that first we were talking to a blond and blue haired lesbian couple, and they were replaced by a blond and blue haired lesbian couple in sailor suites."

"In other words," said Kunzite. "We're starting from nothing. This is going to be a hard one to crack."

"Let's just kill all the gays," suggested Zoisite.

"So we have to kill you too?" asked Nephrite.

"I'm not gay I'm bisexual," lied Zoisite.

"Prove it," said Nephrite. "Kiss a girl."

"EWwww no way! What do you take me for!" cried Zoisite.

"Well it's settled," said Kunzite. "We must bait them out. Surely if they see us in a presumed vulnerable position they will come out from the covers and attack!"

"Alright this is perfect!" Kunzite told them. He put them all in a cage, including himself, and hung it in the middle of town. "Now we just wait."

Sailor Uranus and Neptune showed up as planned.

"We got a call about some innocent people being stuck in a cage?" they asked.

"HEY!" they yelled when they identified who it was. "You guys aren't innocent!"

"ATTACK!" yelled Neptune.

They charged up an attack and aimed it at the cage.

"Quick Kunzite open the door so we can get them!" Nephrite demanded.

"Shit where did I put the key?...?"

"HURRY UP!" screamed Jadeite.

"Let's just teleport out," Zoisite suggested.

"Ok good idea!" agreed Kunzite.

They all got blown up.

The Sailors drove away.

"Quick let's trail them!" Nephrite called, before passing out.

Jadeite was barely conscious, but dragged himself after the motorcycle tracks.

50 miles later, he found where the tracks ended. It was at a small cottage in the middle of the woods.

"GOTCHA!" yelled Jadeite, starting to crawl back to gather the others.

But then he was caught in a mouse trap.

"No, we GOTCHU!" yelled an aqua haired homosexual female.

"Shit, how did I follow the wrong tracks?" cried Jadeite. "You're not Sailor Neptune!"

Sailor Neptune laughed and then threw Jadeite in the basement.

* * *

Kunzite, Zoisite, and Nephrite were sitting in the library licking their wounds.

But then two people appeared on the library projector screen.

"WE HAVE SOMETHING YOU WANT!" yelled Sailor Uranus and Neptune.

"YOU!" Kunzite cried.

"A new TV?" asked Nephrite.

"Yeah we really want one of those," explained Zoisite. "People keep showing up on this one!"

"BE QUIET!" screamed the librarian Youma. "People are trying to read!"

"JUST A SECOND!" the Sailors yelled back.

"We have your friend Jadeite!" Sailor Uranus told them.

"Yuck," the Shitennou responded. "Can we have a new TV instead?"

"No! This is your friend!"

"I've never seen that man before in my life," said Zoisite.

"Is that chopped liver?" asked Nephrite.

"If you don't save him, we'll..." Sailor Neptune blanked out on her threat.

"We can beat him up," suggest Sailor Uranus.

"No I don't think they care," Neptune responded.

"We'll turn him into one of us!" screamed Sailor Uranus.

"You're going to make him lesbian?" Nephrite laughed. "I can see it now."

"No, we'll make him a Sailor Scout!"

"So you're going to make him a lesbian?" Kunzite asked.

"Fine be that way! But you'll regret it when he defeats you!"

"Yeah right," they all laughed. They hung up the TV.

"I don't know," said Zoisite, sounding worried. "If we let one of our own become a Sailor Scout, that would be embarrassing! He'd make us all look bad!"

"Shit you're right," said Kunzite. "We can't just have a Shitennou running around in a sailor costume all willy nilly."

"Heh heh," laughed Zoisite nervously.

"So let's go!" Nephrite exclaimed.

"Crap we didn't ask for their address," Kunzite remembered.

"Call them back!"

But they didn't pick up.

"Maybe we can trace their phone line?"

"But it's not a phone it's on the TV!"

"Meh," Kunzite decided. "Jadeite was more of a liability than an asset."

Just then Hotaru turned on the TV from Uranus and Neptune's house.

"Gah gah goo goo!" said baby Hotaru.

"Baby Hotaru!" they all cried. "Give us your address!"

"I don't know if Haruka-papa would approve!" baby Hotaru hesitated.

"No no she said it was ok," Zoisite told the baby.

"Ok then we live at 123 Gayboy Blvd.!"

"Thanks friend!" said Nephrite, hanging up.

They teleported to the address.

* * *

When they showed up, Jadeite greeted them with tears of joy and relief. "You boys came to save me!" Jadeite cried with glee. "I knew you cared!"

"No," said Zoisite. "We came here for the new TV."

"Aha!" exclaimed Kunzite. "There it is!"

The three of them charged the scouts' TV. It was a huge flat screen, and required all of them to haul it away.

But when they got it to the door, it didn't fit out.

"Shit," said Nephrite. "How did they get it in here?"

"Maybe through a window," Kunzite suggested.

As they tried and failed to push the TV out the window, they got interrupted.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" exclaimed Haruka.

"You said you had what we wanted!" explained Nephrite.

"But-" started Haruka.

"And we want this TV!"

"I'm not doing this again!" yelled Michiru.

"Let's transform!" Haruka decided.

Michiru grabbed a boom box and it started playing their violin theme. They transformed.

"Woooaaah!" said the Shitennou after the scouts' identities were revealed. "Who would have guessed?"

"Not me," said Jadeite.

After they transformed, they charged the Shitennou. But the Shitennou were prepared this time. Uranus tried to use world shaking but they dodged the simple projectile. Neptune tried to use deep submerge but Kunzite reflected it and it hit the TV.

"NOOO!" everyone sobbed in unison.

"Now it's personal!" yelled Jadeite, breaking free of his restraints and charging Haruka like a mad man. Haruka side stepped and he crashed through the wall.

She grabbed him by the legs, and pulled him out of the wall. When Kunzite, Zoisite and Nephrite charged again, Haruka used Jadeite's body to swat them away.

The Shitennou were laying in a pile recovering, when Haruka threw Jadeite into the pile, knocking them back down like bowling pins.

"We need a plan!" shouted Jadeite.

"Yeah these guys are tough," agreed Nephrite.

They whispered the plan to each other.

The next time the sailors charged them, they held up the TV right before they reached. They stopped in their tracks, careful not to break the semi-broken TV.

That's when Kunzite trapped them in a bubble.

"NOOO LET US OUT!" they cried.

"LOLOLOOOLLOOOL!" laughed Kunzite.

They threw themselves into the walls of the bubble but it was no use. "This isn't fair!" cried Michiru.

"What is this, Austrailian rules?" asked Haruka.

"What?"

"I'll get us out of it!" declared Uranus.

"Wait no!" cried Neptune but it was too late.

"Uranus world shaking!"

She threw the attack but it reflected right off the wall of the bubble. The world shaking bounced all around the bubble as they struggled desperately to dodge it. It hit the ground and caused a semi-earth quake, waking baby Hotaru.

"Now you're done for!" yelled Kunzite, slowly closing the bubble in on them.

"Can't you do it any faster?" asked Nephrite.

"No it's dramatic this way!"

"Venus crescent beam!" yelled Baby Hotaru, shooting Kunzite in the hands and breaking the bubble.

"Son of a Beryl!" cursed Kunzite.

Haruka and Michiru gasped. "Don't use that language in front of the baby!"

"Quick Mama and Papa!" said Hotaru. "I'm giving you super forms so you can beat these guys!"

"How does that work?" the sailors asked.

"Who cares, it's not canon!" laughed Hotaru, giving them slightly longer bows.

"HERE WE GO!" they shouted as a battle cry.

The four Shitennou made a break for it. "We're no match for their longer bows!"

In a moment of confidence, Jadeite turned around and charged them. They threw 1087 consecutive blows and he was no more.

"NOOOOOO!" Nephrite cried. "Oh wait was he the bad one? Nevermind."

Right when the sailors were about to catch them, they remembered they could teleport back to the Negaverse.

"Phew," they sighed, catching their breath. "That was a close one."

Suddenly, Haruka, Michiru, and baby Hotaru appeared in front of them in the Negaverse.

"Crap how did you guys learn how to teleport!?"

"The same way Usagi flew up into the sky once to fight Nehelenia and then could never fly again!"

"Aww no fair," whined Kunzite.

"Stop using non canon attacks at us!" Zoisite sobbed. "What is this, Australian rules?!"

"Ima use my self destruct attack!" decided Sailor Saturn.

"No it's not necessary!" cried Uranus and Neptune. "Just learn an attack that's not suicidal!"

"Nah ima use my self destruct!"

But it was more powerful than Sailor saturn expected and she ended the universe.

"D'aww I knew we should have killed her when we had the chance," Uranus said as she died.

FIN


	50. Queen Beryl Goes To Rehab

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Shut ya trap you lil shitfaaaaace!" yelled Beryl.

Jadeite sighed in exasperation. "Queen Beryl, have you been doing crack again?"

"No!" Beryl lied, turning her head to take a hit of crack.

"Queen Beryl I saw you do it!" Jadeite accused.

"You aint' seen nothin now, punk!" Beryl shouted at the wall. "Now get out of my chambers at once Nephrite or I'm going to eat you! NOMNOMNOM!"

"Beryl I hate to you see you like this," Jadeite said sadly.

"Put a sock in it Sailor Mars now Ima have to eat you!" said Beryl, pulling a melted Twix bar out of her pocket and smashing it on her forehead. "YUM UR DELICIOUS!"

Jadeite sighed. "I didn't want to have to do this, but come with me Beryl."

"Ok fatboiii!" said Beryl. "I will come with you Metaliooooo!"

Jadeite led Beryl into the next room. There was a circle of chairs and the rest of the Shitennou, Evil Mamoru, Metalia, and Grandpa sat in a circle.

"WHAT IS THIS!?" demanded Beryl in fury. "Is dis some kinda knittin' club?"

"No, this is an intervention," said Jadeite.

Queen Beryl tossed down the Twix bar hastily and made a break for it. But she looked down to do more crack and ran into a pole.

The rest of them restrained her.

"Now you have to listen to our feelings!" explained Jadeite.

"I'd rather die!" cried Beryl.

"Well you're gonna if you keep it up with the crack!"

"Really?" asked Queen Beryl. She did more crack with magic because she was tied up.

"See this is what I mean Beryl," Jadeite started, pulling out a piece of paper that was wet with tears. He read from the paper. "Ever since I was a little kid, I looked up to you. But now, I don't have anyone to look up to, because you do crack all day. I don't even know you anymore. And you don't even know me, you call me 'Loser,' and even 'Nephrite,' which is worse. I just want you to know-"

"Next!" scolded Beryl impatiently, shutting Jadeite down.

"You were never like this before!" sobbed Jadeite tearing up his speech.

"My turn!" said Nephrite. "Queen Beryl. Every night for the past month, you've been showing up at exactly 4:03 AM and knocking on my door. When I answer, you yell, 'It's beatin' time!' and then proceed to punch me in the throat. I told you how this made me feel but you didn't care. The old you would have cared."

"I don't think so," Zoisite disagreed.

"And not to mention how you run my hot water until it turns off and I have to take cold showers every morning. Like why?! Why u do this to me?"

"You're making this shit up!" cried Beryl.

"No you just don't remember because of the crack."

"It's not working!" cried Jadeite. "We're not getting through to her!"

Zoisite stepped up to the plate. "Queen Beryl, ever since you started doing crack you keep calling me a fag. It was funny the first time, I mean, not really, but at least it wasn't incredibly stale. But now it's gotten to the point where it's just cheap, and you used to have better insults than this."

"Shut it fag, and give me some crack cocaine!" yelled Beryl, slapping him.

":("

"Listen Queen," said Kunzite. "I'm not usually one to expect much from you, but recently you went too far. You killed my boyfriend right in front of me and then made me work with the enemy as he blatantly sabotaged."

"Wow Kunzite," said Queen Beryl. "At least the others were trying to be believable. You're just making shit up, I would never do that!"

Queen Beryl shook her head and did more crack. "And I thought he was a good one."

"How much am I being payed to be here?" Evil Mamoru interrupted.

"Not to mention what you did with that guy," Jadeite added. "You must have been doing some serious crack the day you decided to hypnotize the enemy! Especially considering how energy poor we are!"

"And whose fault is that?" asked Beryl.

"I mean all in all it's the captain who is responsible for his ship," Nephrite explained. "See what I'm saying?"

"I see that I'm out of crack!" cried Beryl. "Get me moooooar!"

"Queen Beryl what have you become," said Grandpa. "I remember a young girl who loved life and had dreams. Now you're just a shell of your former self. I just want to be with the Beryl I knew and loved."

"WHO INVITED THAT FREAK!?" screamed Beryl. "Zoisite fag?"

"Leave me alone!" cried Zoisite, walking out the door.

"Or was it Jadeite loser? Jadeite Nephrite?"

Jadeite and Nephrite left in tears.

"I bet it was that fibber Kunzite!"

Kunzite stormed off.

Beryl was all alone.

"When am I getting paid?" Mamoru asked again.

"Oh woe is me," sobbed Beryl. "I have no friends and I'm out of crack. I spent the quarter ounce of energy that my staff as a whole collected on crack and now it's gone and I have nothing."

"Go to rehab you loser," said Metalia. "I don't pay you to do crack and kill the Shitennous I revived."

"Suck it Metalia!" yelled Beryl in a crack fueled rage.

"Let's go, pipsqueak," challenged Metalia.

Queen Beryl went to punch Metalia but there was nothing to hit because she was a blob.

"Now, if you lose," began Metalia, "You must go to rehab without a fight!"

"Yeah right!" said Beryl, making a break for it.

But Metalia lured her back in with crack on a fishing hook. When Beryl reached the source of the hook, Metalia devoured her soul.

"Aww," Beryl admitted in defeat. "I guess I'm going to rehab."

* * *

"Goodbye, Beryl!" called the Shitennou, bidding Beryl a farewell. "Get well soon!"

"Oh no you don't!" yelled Beryl. "If I'm going to that hellhole, you're coming with me!"

"Look at the time, I really must be going," said Kunzite grabbing Zoisite and teleporting away.

"Yeah my alcohol is calling me, we really need to get going too..." Nephrite started. Nephrite and Jadeite made a run for it.

"OH NO YOU DON'T!" screamed Beryl, grabbing them by their collars.

"But I don't have a problem!" cried Nephrite, chugging alcohol.

"Idk Nephrite maybe you can work on that," Jadeite said encouragingly.

"Work on what?"

"Me, on the other hand," said Jadeite. "Am addicted to making new friends! I'm sure I'll make a ton of them at the rehab, there must be quality characters there!"

"How come Kunzite and Zoisite don't have to go?" demanded Nephrite.

"Because they teleported away fast enough. If you weren't so drunk, you could have too."

"D'awww."

Queen Beryl warped them all to the rehab.

* * *

"Welcome to rehab!" said the employee.

Beryl slugged him. "GIVE ME CRRAAAACK!"

"Now now," he struggled. "Let's go to the drug addiction meeting, shall we?" he said dragging Beryl and Nephrite. Jadeite tagged along.

"This place is like a hotel, but with crazy people!" Jadeite said joyfully.

"Ok so we're going to go around the circle and say what we are addicted to. The first step to recovery is admitting-"

"Yeah yeah yeah," barked Beryl. "Now where can I get me some crack?"

"Introduce yourself!" they all encouraged.

"Ok, I'm Queen Beryl. I will do anything for some crack right now. ANYTHING!"

"Hello, Queen Beryl," said the group.

Nephrite went next.

"I'm Nephrite, and I'm addicted to being too cool for my pants."

"Hello noob boy," said the group.

"I'm Jadeite! I don't have an addiction but I want to make some friends! I enjoy long walks on the beach and being surrounded by people who care!"

The group beat up Jadeite.

"Hello, I'm Catsy," said a raspy English dub voice. "I'm addicted to smoking!" she coughed.

"Heya Catsy, let's be friends!" said Jadeite.

"No thanks," she rasped.

"awww"

"I'm Chibi-usa! I'm addicted to being obnoxious!"

"Hello Chibi-usa be my friend?" asked Jadeite.

"Get away from me weird old man!" she cried.

"awww"

"Hello boys. I'm Grandpa. I'm addicted to sex."

"What kind of sex?" asked the host out of curiosity.

"Boys, girls, chairs, animals, tables, people, aliens, large sillouette faces that are supposed to be queens I guess, planets i.e. Nemesis, plants, fungi, bacterium, protists, moneran, archaebacteria, eukayotes, cells, elements, red, blue, yellow, peach, mauve, vanilla, chocolate, strawberry, pizza, one, two, three ways, stuffed animals, phone sex, car sex, cyber sex, three sex, insects, bisex, biceps, quadroceps, anime, manga, mango, pineapple-"

"Thank you," said the host.

Even Jadeite didn't ask to be friends this time.

"Now let's say what we think caused our addictions."

"Well ya see," said Beryl. "I was living without crack. But then I figured, hey. I'm gonna be killed by Sailor Moon any minute now. Why not live a little? And there's nothing to lose! Even when I run out of money, I can just make my servants go get me more crack!"

Jadeite and Nephrite shivered at the thought.

"Crack is love, crack is life," Beryl finished her inspirational speech.

The crowd thought for moment.

Then, the host snapped. "SHE'S RIGHT! LET'S ALL DO CRACK!"

The whole rehab ran out of the building to buy crack. They all did some together.

"Wwijwjiefwemgamlkerglkaerh!" they spammed. "YOLO ROLO!"

They had a wild party and took it to Vegas where they did more crack. Jadeite made tons of friends and they all had a great time. Nephrite got over his alcholism, in exchange for crack. For the next three years they all toured the world, doing crack.

But then the world was out of crack.

Tired and hung over, Beryl retreated back to the palace. But when she got there there was a note on the door.

"We waited a couple years for you Beryl but you didn't come back. We have been running the place much better without your crack addiction so go find a new home. Best wishes, Kunzite & Zoisite."

"WWAAAAT?!" screamed Beryl. She retreated to the homeless shelter Nephrite and Jadeite were at.

"You too?" they asked when she arrived.

Beryl sighed and ate soup. "This is shit compared to crack."

"Hey I snuck in some crack," whispered Jadeite.

"WHERERE MAN!? WHERE!?"

"Oops I did it already," Jadeite forgot. "Man you shouldn't have encouraged me to do this stuff, now you have competition!"

"WHAT!?" screeched Beryl. She pummeled Jadeite.

The homeless shelter turned on the TV.

"In later news, the Negaverse was successful for once. We have its new owners on the scene to explain why they were suddenly able to succeed."

"Well," said Kunzite into the camera. "We had this crazy lady Beryl using all our energy on crack."

"But now she's gone and we don't have to do crack to prevent her from making us sleep eternally," Zoisite added.

Beryl was steamed. She ran out into the street until she found a homeless man doing crack.

"ARRGHAAA!" she screamed at the sky.

"Want some crack?" asked the homeless man.

"Sure," sighed Beryl. She sat down beside him and YOLO ROLO'd.

FIN

* * *

Epilogue:

A lady by the name of Beryl was found dead on the street from a drug overdose on the night of January 5th, 1967. She was accompanied by her stray cats, Nephrite and Loserboy. The cats refused to answer any questions and one of them asked if he could have some alcohol.


	51. Jadeite Offers Free Candy To Children

"Queen Beryl," yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Have you, Jadeite?" Beryl asked.

"Well ya see, I have to walk around the Earth realm in an overcoat and look for one, all whilest looking shady..."

"Why do you need to look shady?"

"Because I am shady!"

"Why don't you wear a normal person costume like that punk Nephrite?" Beryl wondered.

"That's already been done! I must look suspicious to draw attention away from myself!"

"That makes no sense Jadeite."

"Neither does ur mum. OOOOOHOOHOO BURN!" yelled Jadeite, leaving.

* * *

He walked down the street in his overcoat and sunglasses and 1940's cap.

Then, he spotted a mob of children.

"Oh boy this must lead to a good plan!" he announced, getting in line shadily behind the children. "Aww yeah, step one is complete!"

"What are you children in line for?" he asked.

"None of your business, shady old man!" the kids heckled.

"Grrr... I'll give you anything your heart desires if you help me out here ;D!"

"Like what?" the kids asked.

"Want some free candy? Hold on it's in my van, I'll have to go get it. Do you want to come with me?"

"HELP A STRANGE MAN IS OFFERING US CANDY!" the children cried, fleeing.

"What? Why are you running from free van candy!?" Jadeite cried in exasperation.

"Excuse me sir, can I see some ID?" asked a cop.

"ID? Is that a secret code?"

"Sir I'm going to have to take you down to the police station."

"WHAT?! WHY! I was just trying to be endearing towards children!" Jadeite gasped in shock. Why did this officer care that he was trying to find out a new source of energy from children?

"Aha, a confession! What is that overcoat intended for?"

"To look shady..."

"Aha, another confession! Were you going to pull it open and reveal yourself?"

"What?" asked Jadeite, completely confused.

"That's enough," said the officer, clubbing him.

* * *

Down at the police station, he sat in his cell and whimpered.

"Can I at least get a phone call?" Jadeite asked.

"Sure," said the cop. "But we'll be watching you!"

Jadeite dialed Beryl's number. It rung four times, until finally someone picked up.

"Hello?" said a familiar voice on the other line.

"ZOISITE YOU GOTTA HELP ME!" cried Jadeite.

"What's that? I think you're in a tunnel."

"No no, I'm in jail! HEEEELP!"

"Oh, then I think I'm in a tunnel!"

"PLEASE THIS ISN'T THE TIME! THEY THINK I WAS STALKING CHILDREN!"

"What'd you do?" Zoisite asked. "Go around in an overcoat and ask shady questions to children again?"

"Uh oh," said Jadeite.

"I bailed you out for this exact thing last week. I'm not doing it again."

"Zoisite pls!"

"If you keep calling here, I'll make sure they extend your sentence," Zoisite said, hanging up.

Jadeite called back.

"BERYL!?" he asked desperately.

"What did I just say Jadeite?" Zoisite said angrily.

Jadeite quickly hung up and dialed Beryl's cellphone.

"BERYL!?"

"JADEITE STOP CALLING HERE!" Zoisite screamed.

"Oops wrong number," realized Jadeite, trying again to dial Beryl's cellphone.

"Yes, Jadeite?" answered Beryl.

"Beryl you have to help me I-" but then the phone disconnected because Jadeite's time was up.

They put him back in his cell.

The police station phone rang.

"Hello?" answered the officer.

"Hi, I am a five year old little boy," said Zoisite. "Do you have a man named Jadeite in custody."

"Yes..."

"He just called me up and asked if I wanted to see his package."

The cop gasped and slammed the phone down.

"JAAADEITE!"

"WHAT?!" asked Jadeite.

"Did you ask a child if they wanted to see your package?"

"I don't recall that specifically, but I remember showing a kid a box of goodies from my van..."

"That settles it, you're going to do hard time!" the officer vowed.

Just before Jadeite was sentenced to death, Beryl ran in.

"Beryl! How'd you know to come?" Jadeite exclaimed in relief.

"You do this every week."

"Gee thanks for saving me!"

Beryl had a long talk with the officer. Jadeite only overheard bits of the conversation.

"I don't know ma'am, I find it hard to believe that he's that stupid."

"Nah, you should see what he's done with planes!"

They murmured for a little while longer. Finally the officer released him.

"I'm not in trouble?" he asked with joy.

"No, you are. You can't be within 800 miles of a school from now on."

"That's ridiculous!" shouted Jadeite. "Where will I live?"

"Better pack up and move to the North Pole," joked the officer.

"Jokes on him!" Jadeite thought. "I already live there!"

But when they got back home, a security guard stopped him.

"Too close to a school!" Jadeite was told.

"Where is a school around here?!" he demanded angrily.

"Nephrite's School for Astrologists," the officer explained. "It just opened up."

"DAMMIT NEPHRITE."

Jadeite ran past the cop to try and get in the house but they caught him and pepper sprayed him.

"Hahaha," Nephrite chuckled, coming outside to laugh.

"Nephrite you gotta move your school!" Jadeite begged.

"Do you know how much effort that would be?"

"Idk didn't you like build a mountain one time?" Jadiete recalled.

"Nah this is different."

"Pls Nephrite! I doubt you even have any students!"

"Oy'm his stoodent!" explained Molly.

"Me too!" added Melvin.

"No you're not!" Nephrite barked.

"This is a good club, but it doesn't beat snail watching!" Melvin commented.

"Hey officer, that man is getting with that 14 year old!" Jadeite yelled, trying to take Nephrite down with him.

"Hmm," said the officer. "How old are you, sir?"

"1019," answered Nephrite.

"And how old are you, little girl?"

"Oy'm eightoon," Molly lied.

"Very well, carry on."

"And I'm 7!" yelled Melvin, also trying to take Nephrite down. "But that man didn't care last night!"

"Nice try child but no one would sleep with you," said the cop. "Come on Jadeite, we're taking you to the only place that is far enough from schools to live in."

"Ok..." Jadeite said nervously.

* * *

"The Hikawa Shrine..." Jadeite read out loud. "That name sounds familiar..."

Suddenly Jadeite was jumped by two crows. "I've got a bad feeling about this!" he cried as he raced into the temple.

"HI JADEITE!" Grandpa said happily. "I take it you're forced to live here too?"

"You're banned from being near schools as well?" Jadeite asked.

"Of course, why do you think I built this so far from civilization!"

"But what did you do to get yourself in that predicament?" Jadeite asked.

"Let me show you!" said Grandpa happily.

* * *

"Yeah I can see why they don't want that," Jadeite noted.

"So do you want to do chores for the temple now?"

"No," Jadeite replied.

"Well too bad! My roof, my rules! Get to work!"

Jadeite moped away.

"Chad, you're off the hook!" Grandpa informed him.

"Chaaa yaaa brahhh!" Chad said happily, running away.

"Jadeite what do you think you're doing?" Grandpa demanded.

"I'm washing the floor like you said!"

"But you have clothes on."

"Yes..."

"Take them off."

"WHAT?!" Jadeite gasped. "But why?"

"Because my roof my rules?"

Jadeite tried to make a break for it but was stopped by a barbed wire electric fence.

Just then, Rei came rushing in.

"Grandpa! Grandpa! There are a bunch of kids missing! What do you think is going on?"

A concerned parent was with Rei. "I heard that there are buses driven by some guy named Jadeite that are taking the kids to a black hole!"

"WHAT!?" gasped Rei. "Jadeite, explain yourself!"

"WHAT!?" gasped Jadeite. "For once, this wasn't me! I swear!"

"That's what you said the first time, buster!" Rei and the parents yelled. They started jumping him.

"Rei, he didn't do it," said Grandpa.

"How do you know?" Rei asked in shock.

"Because I did it!"

"You used buses to steal the children?"

"Nah they're just locked up in the basement. The buses were only a diversion."

"Grandpa how could you?"

"Rei mind your own business," Grandpa scolded.

"Yes G'Pa," said Rei, retreating to her room.

"I must save those kids," Jadeite said to himself. "If I do, maybe they'll lift my ban since I am so helpful."

* * *

Jadeite snuck into the basement when Gramps went to bed.

"Kids I'm here to save you!" he announced.

"I don't think you are!" the kids said.

"Why not?"

"Because you're in an overcoat and sunglasses. That's way too sketchy!"

"No no, I wore it this to sneak around and save you!"

"Nah, we don't trust you, overcoat creep!" the kids yelled.

Jadeite was desperate. "Look, if you come and let me help you escape, I'll give you some candy from my van!"

"HEEEEEEELP!" the kids the began to scream.

Jadeite tried to pick up a kid and pull him out of the basement but he took a chomp on Jadeite's arm.

"OWWWW!" Jadeite cried and slugged the child, knocking him out.

Then, he realized if the kids were unconscious, they couldn't put up a fight and he could easily save them. So he started slugging all the kids.

Finally, all the kids were unconscious.

Jadeite was about to take them out the door, when there was a loud bang.

"WE'RE THE POLICE! WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED! COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP!"

Jadeite looked down at all the unconscious kids. "Uh oh!"

The police barged in.

"This isn't what it looks like!" he cried, running to escape. But he tripped and fell on top of a kid just as the police turned the light on.

"YOU MONSTER!" they gasped.

Jadeite knew it was all or nothing. He charged the police.

He only managed to get one blow in before he was pepper sprayed.

They took him back to the police station.

He called Queen Beryl's phone the first chance he could.

"Hello?" said Zoisite picking up.

"ZOISITE MAN I AM IN BIIIIIIIIIG TROUBLE!"

"You're in a big tunnel? Call me back when you get out," he said, hanging up.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Jadeite as he was hauled off to the penitentiary.

FIN


	52. Kunzite, Grandpa, And Melvin Get KFC

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Jadeite where is my coupon for KFC?"

"It's right here, m'lady!" he said, reaching in his pocket. "Right here..." he repeated getting floundered when he couldn't find it.

"Jadeite if you lost my KFC coupon there's going to be hell to pay!"

Jadeite made a break for it. Beryl shot him down.

Fin de Jadeite.

* * *

"I'm glad I stole this KFC coupon!" said Kunzite as he drove his car down the street.

In the shotgun was Gramps, and in the back was Melvin and Diana the cat.

"Why did I agree to do this?" Kunzite asked himself.

"Because you love us!" said Diana the baby cat.

"I don't think so..." Kunzite said, searching his memory for when exactly he volunteered for this.

"Pull over, I need to use the potty!" yelled Melvin. "Also, hidy ho!"

"No you can wait," said Kunzite. "This is strange," he continued.

"We planned this for months!" Gramps told him, reaching over and patting him on the shoulder.

"DON'T TOUCH ME OLD MAN!" he cried.

In his shock of being touched by Gramps, he remembered why he was there.

* * *

5 months earlier:

"Kunzite," began Beryl. "5 months from now, I want you to pick up KFC for me."

"Ok..."

"I want you to bring Rei's grandpa, Melvin, and a baby cat named Diana."

"Ok..."

* * *

"Alright we're at the KFC!" Melvin exclaimed.

"Yes I can see that," Kunzite replied.

"I WANT THE DOUBLE QUARTER POUNDER WITH CHEESE!" yelled Melvin.

"They don't serve that here."

"Hey Kunzy," said Gramps. "Can I have a chicken pot pie?"

"That's 18 dollars," Kunzite told him.

"And?"

"And this coupon is only for buckets of chicken."

"And?"

"WHERE'S MY QUARTER POUNDER!" demanded Melvin.

Kunzite threw him out the window and got in the drive through.

Melvin climbed back in through the passenger window and fell on top of Gramps.

"Hot diggity!" yelled Gramps.

"Keep it down, I'm trying to order!" Kunzite shouted.

They kept it down.

"We'll take two buckets of chicken-"

"CHICKEN POT PIE!" yelled Gramps.

"Shut up Gramps," said Kunzite. "Please disregard that," he told the staff.

"All I want is a diet coke," said baby cat.

"No, you'll have water."

"PLEEEASE!" whined baby cat.

Kunzite lightly shoved her. She died.

"Shit!" cried Kunzite. "Who was the genius who decided to send a newborn cat back from the future anyway?! People know what I do to cats, I'm a bad guy! Even if I hadn't done that, what's to stop anyone else?! What neglectful and abusive parents are responsible for this!?"

At the drive through window, the clerk looked disturbed.

"Sir did you kill that baby cat?"

"IT'S NOT MY FAULT! I'm a villain, I shouldn't protect newborn cats!"

"I don't think you're a villain!" Melvin told him. "In fact, I think you're A-OKAY!"

"Don't talk to me."

They handed Kunzite the order.

"That will be $144.56."

"WHAT?!" Kunzite demanded.

"Well you got two buckets of chicken pot pies, sir. Those are expensive."

"gRRRRRRR!" screamed Kunzite. "That's not what I ordered! I won't pay for it! Here, take it back!"

"But sir, your passengers are already eating it!"

"No they're not!" Kunzite screamed.

But when he turned around, he saw Melvin and Gramps finish off the last crumb of pie.

Kunzite drove away in fury, without paying.

Three seconds later, he was surrounded by police cars.

"Good thing I can teleport!" he laughed, taking off and leaving Gramps and Melvin to face the music.

Gramps reached in the glove compartment and pulled out three machine guns.

"Alright Melvin, have you ever fired a gun before?"

"I did on the Sailor V game. HAR HAR HAR!"

"Well get shootin!" said Gramps, teleporting away and leaving Melvin to instantaneously get shot by the cops.

"HIDY HOOOOOOOO!" he cried as he charged out firing. Amazingly, he dodged all the bullets. He defeated the police.

Melvin walked off into the sunset.

* * *

Meanwhile Kunzite showed up in Beryl's room.

"Kunzite where's that KFC?"

"Well you see..."

"Kunzite I just had to deal with Jadeite's bullshit. If you don't hand me the KFC this instant, it's over for you."

"Well why did you make me go with imbeciles?!" he demanded.

"The same reason I made you work with not-so-brainwashed Mamoru! I'm tired of your excuses, I'll kill you!"

Queen Beryl shot a blast at Kunzite. He dodged it.

Queen Beryl gasped. Kunzite grabbed her crystal ball and devoured it.

Beryl gasped again. "So this is why I never tried to kill you, and only kill my minions when they're already half dead. Huh," she said, rethinking her life's decisions.

Then Kunzite ate her thrown. Without her symbols of power, she was nothing. She disintegrated.

* * *

"Yes, I'll have a bucket of chicken!" Kunzite told the KFC worker.

He drove up to the next window.

"Without Beryl making me take fools with me, I can finally get what I wanted!"

But when he got to the next window, they gave him all thighs even though he asked for all legs.

"WHAT KIND OF MADNESS!?" he demanded.

The clerk, Melvin, just chortled.

"HIDY HO!"

FIN


	53. Jadeite's Valentine's Day Wish

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Tell me what it is, Jadeite," Beryl asked.

"Actually, Queen Beryl, I must confess. I was lying when I told you I found a new source of energy."

"Oh. Then it's time for you to die?"

"Not exactly. You see, the human's have this thing called Valentine's Day..."

"Oh lord..."

"And on Valentine's Day, they ask a special someone to be their Valetine..."

"Oh heavens..."

"Queen Beryl, will you be that special someone? Will you be my Valentine?"

Beryl was completely and utterly silent for a good ten minutes. Finally, she started chuckling lightly. The chuckling picked up and grew into a loud guffaw.

"HA HAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHAH HAH HHHAHAHAHAH!" laughed Queen Beryl. "HAHAH HAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHA HHAHAHAHAH AH HAH AH HA HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA HAH AH AH HA HAHA HA HAH HA HAH AH HAHHAH!"

"It's not that funny..." Jadeite said quietly.

"AHAHHAHAHAH HAH HAH AHA YES IT IS! HAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAH AH HA HA HAH HA AAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAA AHH HHH HA HAH ARRR RAHHAHAHAHA HAHAHAH EHEEEH HHEEHEHHEHE CACKLE CACKLE SMACKLE HAHAHAH AHHAHA HARDEY HAR HAR HAR HAR!"

"Alright Queen you don't have to rub it in..."

"HAHAHAH YES I DO HAHAHAH HEHE HEHEHEH EEE EJEHHEHEE LOLOLOLLOL LOOOOOOOL LELELELELELEELLEELEL KEKEKEKEKE KKEK EKK KEK EKKKE KKEK KE HAHAHAHAH LOL REKT HAHAHHAHAHAHAH AOMG LOL OMFG LMAOOOIOOOOOOOO!"

Jadeite hung his head in shame.

* * *

Nephrite knocked on Molly's apartment's door. He had with him a bouquet of flowers, a box of chocolates, and a car with a ribbon on it.

Molly's mom answered.

"Shit," said Nephrite.

"Who are you?" Molly's mom asked.

"Hmm, remember that time Molly stole a precious jewel from you to bring to some evil guy?"

"Yes..." Molly's mom said slowly.

"I'm that guy!"

Molly's mom slammed the door.

"WAIT!" cried Nephrite. "I also saved her from a monster! Doesn't that count for anything?!"

"No," said Molly's mom through the mail slot.

Nephrite started climbing in through the doggy door. "At least let me see her!"

"NO!"

"PLEEEEEEASE!"

"I couldn't even if I wanted to! She's out on a date with that spiffy young lad, Melvin."

"WHO NOW!? Nephrite screamed. He was determined to take out this Melvin character once and for all.

But he was stuck in the doggy door. "Mind bringing me some butter?"

Molly's mom reluctantly helped him slip out.

"Thanks."

Then his anger resumed, and he threw the car he had bought for Molly into their apartment wall in rage.

"ARRRRGGH MELVIN!"

* * *

"AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH ahahaHAHahahahahahahahahahahahahh HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHahahahahahahhaahhahahahahaha

ha

ha

ha

ha

ha

ha

ha

ha hahahahhahahhaHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH ROFL"

"Queen Beryl..." started Jadeite.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHhzh"

"Nevermind then Beryl I didn't want this..."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HAAAA HARRRRRRR HAHAHAHHAHA AHHAH LMAOOOOOOOOO ROFL XD XD XD XD!"

* * *

"Heya Kunzite!" began Zoisite. "You know what today is?"

"The day I finally discover the moon princess's identity?"

"No..."

Kunzite hung his head. "Yeah I should have figured."

"It's Valentine's Day!"

"What?"

"The day the humans celebrate love!" Zoisite explained.

"You sound like a Jadeite."

Zoisite gasped. "Ouch! How could you on Valentine's Day?!"

"I've never heard of such a holiday," Kunzite replied.

"They had it on the Moon Kingdom!"

"Oh yeah I remember now! The moon princess used to do stuff on that day!"

"Yeah... So what plans did you make for us :D :D :D" Zoisite asked enthusiastically.

"Ummm... plans...?"

"PLANS! :D :D :D :D :D :D"

Kunzite turned away nervously.

"What's that you're holding?" Zoisite snatched the ice rink tickets from his hand. "OH BOY! You're taking me ice skating!"

"Well actually," said Kunzite. "The moon princess used to-"

"WHOOPEE LETS GO!"

* * *

They showed up at the ice rink.

"Ah yes, that girl is pro at skating! She must be the moon princess!" Kunzite said in reference to Sailor Jupiter.

"STOP TRYING TO SPEND TIME WITH OTHER GIRLS!" Zoisite sobbed. "PAY ATTENTION TO ME!"

"If I have to..." said Kunzite, distracted by the brilliance of his plan.

"WOW. Are we going skating or not?!"

"Ye," said Kunzite reluctantly.

They walked up to the counter.

"We'll have two pairs of skates pls and ty," said Kunzite.

"Sorry sir, we only have one pair left."

Zoisite gasped.

* * *

"HA HA HA HAH HA H *COUGH COUGH COUGH* HAHAHAHA HAH AHAH AH ha ha ha haaa haaaaaa heh-"

Jadeite sighed. "Are you done ye-"

"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HAAAAAAAAAAAA HAAAA HARDY HOOOOO HOOOOOOO WBOOOOOOOO WEEEABBOOOOOO WIPPITY WOBBLY WUMBOUHHHHHH YAHOOOOOOOO!"

* * *

"WEE THIS IS SO MUCH FUN!" exclaimed Kunzite as he skated around the ice rink.

Zoisite sat next to Usagi, pouting. "It's Valentine's Day and my boyfriend took the only pair of skates :("

"Aww that's a bummer," replied Usagi. "I used to have a boyfriend, but then these douches named Kunzite and Zoisite kidnapped him and made him evil."

"Hey don't blame me," exclaimed Zoisite. "I tried to kill him so they wouldn't even get a chance to hypnotize him!"

"Do I know you?" asked Usagi curiously.

* * *

Nephrite stared through the window of the diner.

"GRRRRR!" he grumbled.

He watched angrily as Melvin fed Molly shrimp.

"THAT LITTLE-"

Then he saw Melvin notice him. He ducked under the window, but when he looked back up, Melvin was still staring. Nephrite was frozen in place. He made a weak wave.

Melvin stuck his tongue out and winked.

"THAT DOES IT YOU LIL NERDO! I'M GOING IN THERE!" Nephrite screamed.

"Wait a minute, I can't go in there without a date! Everyone will make fun of me! They'll think I'm single on Valentine's, which I am!"

"Oh woe is me!" said a girl walking down the street nearby. "I'm the Sailor of love and I don't even have a boyfriend! WAAAa D: D: D: D: D:"

Nephrite made his move.

"Hey girl. I'm a boy!"

"Holy crap you are!" exclaimed Minako.

"Wanna go on a date?" asked Nephrite.

"Sure! Let's go here!" Minako suggested, pointing at a nearby restaurant.

"Nah nah nah, how about this place?" Nephrite insisted.

"But all the losers go there!"

"D'awww," said Nephrite, dragging her inside.

"Table for one again?" the waiter asked.

"NOPE! Two this time!"

The waiter gasped. "Wait a minute, it isn't your mom, is it?"

"NOPE!"

The waiter gasped again. He ran into the back and grabbed all the other waiters. They all gasped and pointed.

Nephrite overheard them saying things like "She's out of his league," and "She's definitely a minor!"

After hearing a waitress say, "But isn't he gay?" he barged in and sat down near Molly's table. He pulled out binoculars.

"Umm, so what's your name?" asked Venus.

"Melvin..." Nephrite grumbled in anger as he watched Melvin pass Molly a napkin.

"Oh, I know someone else named Melvin! He's a nerdboy! Are you a nerdboy?"

Nephrite watched as Melvin hit his elbow on the table. "YESSSS!"

"Ah, so you are a nerdboy," Venus deduced. "What nerd stuff are you into?"

Nephrite continued to watch Molly closely. "Wow," thought Nephrite. "That Melvinnerd has been talking to that waiter for a while."

"GAY!" he accused out loud.

"You're into gay nerd stuff?" Minako asked.

"YESSSSSS!" Nephrite said gleefully, as Melvin spilled his drink.

"Are you even listening to me?" Minako demanded.

Nephrite shushed her impatiently.

"YOU KNOW I HAVE OTHER OPTIONS!" Minako lied. "IF YOU DON'T START TREATING ME BETTER, I'M GONE!"

"Put a sock in it, blondie!" Nephrite barked.

Minako shrunk into her seat and sighed.

* * *

"LALALALALA LAHA LAHAA XD D XDXD LMAOOOO HAHAHAHAH WOOP LOLOO HAHAHAHHAH HAH HAH AH AH HAH HAAH HAH AHAH H"

* * *

Just then, Melvin got up to go to the bathroom, to wash the drink off himself. As soon as he went into the men's room, Nephrite put a chair in front of the door, trapping him.

He made his move over to Molly's table.

"HEY MOLLY!" Nephrite said suavely, sliding into the seat and passing her some flowers.

"OY NEPHROOYT!" Molly exclaimed. "Woy are you hoyre?"

"I just saw a beautiful girl in the window, and thought I had to stop by and say hello ;D"

"D'aww, but Oy'm on a doyte! Hoy's in the bathroym, he should be awt any meenoyte!"

"Forget about that four eyed geek!" Nephrite insisted. "I'm cooler! And I can drive!"

"OY, you can droyve? Oy loyke goys that can droyve!" Molly exclaimed.

"I can't understand a word you're saying, but I'm guessing you asked me to kiss you?"

Meanwhile Venus sat alone at her table. She stared at her watch and sighed.

Nephrite went in for the kiss. But instead of his lips hitting Molly, they hit a flying shrimp.

"INTERCePTED!" yelled Melvin, flying into the room. "What are you doing with my Molly?"

"How did you escape?!" demanded Nephrite.

"I climbed out the window and fell in the dumpster! Then I walked all the way around, and came back in through the front! They made me pay for the buffet again!"

"Ok, well you can get going now!" Nephrite told him. "Molly is mine!"

"Mess with my girl? No way!" Melvin shouted, charging. He stabbed Nephrite with a steak knife.

"Youch!"

Nephrite thought fast, and threw salt in Melvin's eyes. But the glasses shielded him.

"Who's a four eyed geek now?!" taunted Melvin.

Nephrite picked up a chair and smashed it on Melvin, sending him flying across the room.

"Noooo!" Molly cried. "Don't fight over me!" She handed Melvin a sword. "But ya know, if you do want to fight over me, don't get taken down this easily!"

Melvin charged Nephrite with the sword. Nephrite side-stepped effortlessly. Melvin tripped and fell over a table, stabbing himself with the sword.

"Aww, I guess that's why my mommy told me never to run with scissors!" he said. He died.

"Now that it's just you and me, how about that kiss?" asked Nephrite.

"WHY DID YOU KILL HIM!?" Molly sobbed.

"Because he's a nerd. And technically he killed himself, so..."

"You're a monster!" Molly cried.

"Fine, be that way," said Nephrite, throwing down the box of chocolates.

"KISS ME!" yelled Molly. They made out passionately for three seconds.

"HEY!" screamed Venus. "WTF IS THIS!?"

"Who awre yee?" demanded Molly.

"I'm that guy's date!"

"WOOOT!?" Molly gasped. "Back awf, he's moyne!"

Molly and Minako started slugging it out.

"Gosh," said Nephrite. "Being in a love triangle is hard work. I think ima go home."

He left without paying the bill.

* * *

Kunzite got tired of ice skating joyfully and went back to business.

"Now to target in on the moon princess!" he decided.

"Excuse me," asked Makoto. "You've been circling me for half an hour. You don't like, think I'm the moon princess or anything?"

"Shit she's on to me!" cried Kunzite, charging.

But when he went to attack, his ice skates gave out on him and he fell.

"WHAT HAPPENED?!" he demanded.

"I've had enough!" yelled Zoisite. "I cancelled the ice skate rental, so they locked up your skates!"

"HOW COULD YOU?!"

"SCREW YOU JACKASS!"

Kunzite took the skates off. "I'm still going for it!"

He ran towards Sailor Jupiter but slipped and slid across the ice rink.

He slid straight for Usagi. She tried to run, but she couldn't stand on the ice. "This is where my story ends!" she cried.

But at the last second, "Evil" Mamoru skated in. He grabbed Usagi and pulled her out of the way.

"Mamoru you saved me!"

"Nope I'm evil!"

"Not really since you literally saved me!"

"Shhhh!"

"So you did remember Valentine's Day after all?" Usagi gushed.

"What's Valentine's Day?" Mamoru asked. "Here, let me teach you how to ice skate!"

"WEEEEEE!"

"WOOOOO!"

They iceskated happily while Kunzite layed against the wall dizzily, after having smashed into it.

Zoisite walked over to him.

Kunzite looked up and saw Zoisite glaring over him.

Zoisite didn't say a word and just shook his head and walked away.

"Wait I got u chocolates!"

"Chocolates?!" Zoisite gasped, taking him back instantly.

But when he opened the box it was empty.

"Ok so I might of had a few..."

"D'aww," said Zoisite. "Well it's the thought that counts! :D :D :D"

* * *

"HOOO HAR HOO HEE HUMM HAHAHAHAHAH HA HAH AH HA HAH AH AH AH HA HAH AH HAH AH !" Beryl continued.

"How has she gone this long without breathing?!" Jadeite wondered.

"HEE HEH EH E HEH EHEHEH EH EHEH AHAHHAH HA HAH AH HAH AH AH HAH AH AH TEE HEE HE E HE HEH EHEH EHAH HAHAHAHAHHAHAH!"

"Alright Beryl I guess I'm going home," Jadeite resigned.

He was almost out the door, when the laughter stopped.

He turned around slowly, thinking she might have died from lack of oxygen.

"You know what?" said Beryl. "I think I'll take you up on your offer!

"WUUUUT!?" Jadeite gasped, thinking it was some kind of sick joke.

"Yeah, I mean, I don't have much pickings for guys around here. Two of them are gay together, and the other one is too busy chasing after minors to notice me. The last time I tried to get with someone from outside our kingdom, it was the downfall of us all! Meanwhile, you've been forever alone all along. So yes, Jadeite. I will be your Valentine."

Jadeite passed out in shock, and slept through the rest of Valentine's Day.

FIN


	54. Sweg Fo Chumps

"Beryl me bo!" called Jadeite. "I found a new source of sweg yo highness"

"WHAT?!" screeeeeeched Barel. "What is 'sweg'? Is it some kind of fruit?"

"No it's what i got & u dont"

"WAT HOW IS THERE SOMETHING YOU HAVE THAT I DONT?!" barked Barel "I HAVE TO BE BETTER THAN YOU IN EVERY SINGLE WAAAAAY"

Bearl shot Jadeite with a bazooka and he was rip.

Barley arrived at the grocery and went up to the customer service.

"Where can i get me sum sweg yo" asked Barl.

"aisle 15" he said

"thx"

"np"

Barel went to the end of the store but there was only aisle 1-14.

"WAAAAT" yelled Bebe

She started punching the wall but then she broke it and there was a whole room on the other side.

In the room was a sign that read AISLE 15.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT" yelled Bebe

She ran down the aisle and searched for sweg.

"YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAAYAYAYA"

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET"

She found a box labeled "Sweg Fo Chumps" and put it in her shopping cart.

It was the last box and she was walking away with it when Nephrite ran in and snatched it

"NEPHRITEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" howled Berl like a wolf.

"LELELELELELELELLELELELELELELEL" giggled Nephrite running away

Beary chased after Nephrite but he threw down a carton of milk and she tripped and she lost him.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooOOOOooooOOOOOO00000000000000000000000000000000000000000()()()()()()()()()oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOOOOOPSDLAGSUIDJGAKSJDGHSJDHASDGGHDBDBGASDGSDHASDHASDGADSBHDSJSFGSDGASDGHSADHGASDGHSADGHSDHGASDGHASGDHDHSKHGASDYJASDKJSAJDJDSJHASDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDDASDASGJDASDAYJDKsjgdshdja" cried Beryl.


	55. Negaverse Got Talent

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Jadeite this bit is getting old. I think your time in the Negaverse is coming to a close."

"NO BERYL PLEASE YOU MUST BE JOKING RIGHT!?"

"Lol yes. Get back to work."

"Gee thanks Beryl!"

"Jk on the first jk! You're fired! Time to die!"

"No Beryl give me one last chance, please!" Jadeite begged.

"Alright Jadeite you can live."

"Oh boy thanks Beryl! I won't let ya down!"

"PYSCHE!" yelled Queen Beryl.

Jadeite started crying. "Why are you doing this to me!?"

"April Fools!" laughed Beryl. "I would never kill you!"

"Gee I knew it! Wait a minute it's Februar-AHHHHHHHHHH!"

Jadeite was slain. Jadeite was no more.

"Queen Beryl," began Kunzite, entering the room. "I found a new source of moon princess!"

"Sure Kunzite, what is it?"

"Well ya see, back in the silver *COUGH* Sorry, the silver *COUGH*"

"Kunzite are you okay?" asked Beryl.

"COUGH COUGH no I'm not feeling too spiffy COUGH COUGH I'm dying uh oh COUGH COUGH oh gawd someone help me!"

Queen Beryl didn't move. "It's too late for you Kunzite."

"No Beryl you just gotta help me COUGH I'm not dead yet COUGH but I will be if you don't COUGH COUGH COUGH help me COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH oof I died X_X RIP"

"Shame," said Beryl. "I guess it was just his time."

"Whelp better have a Shitennou meeting!" decided Beryl.

She called down the Shitennou.

"So Beryl," began Zoisite. "Did you like Kunzite's new source of moon princess? He worked real hard on it, he's a great employee!"

"Well you see Zoisite," Beryl began. "This isn't easy for me to tell you but… Wait yes it is. Lol Kunzite died."

"WHAT?!" gasped Zoisite. "WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM!?"

"I didn't do nothing," said Beryl.

"LIES!" cried Zoisite.

"No I literally did nothing. Even as he choked to death."

Zoisite charged Beryl. Beryl stuck her hand out to block him but he continued to run even though he was blocked. After two hours he gave up and lied down and sobbed.

"What's his beef?" asked Nephrite. "Did someone die or something? Was it Jadeite?"

"I'm right here," Jadeite barked angrily.

"Not for long," said Beryl.

"Then what's the issue?" Nephrite wondered.

"Kunzite died," repeated Beryl.

"LOL!" screamed Nephrite. "LOL ZOISITE YOUR BF DIED!"

Zoisite just cried.

"Alright," said Beryl. "We need a replacement top Shitennou."

"Wait wait wait," said Nephrite. "Does this mean I get to take over Kunzite's rank and title since I'm his predecessor?"

"No way!" yelled Zoisite in between sobs. "I'm his predecessor! He wrote it in his will!"

"What, this will?" asked Nephrite, tearing up the will.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUWW!" cried Zoisite.

"No," Beryl explained. "I say we have a talent show! Isn't that how Kunzite got his rank in the first place?"

"I don't think so," said Jadeite.

"Yeah huh I remember it like it was yesterday…" said Beryl, fading into a flashback.

"Umm, are we supposed to be seeing what you're seeing?" asked Nephrite.

"Yeah, didn't you?"

"No…"

"Tartar sauce," sighed Beryl. "Well screw you, we're having a talent show for his position.

"This'll be easy, if I'm just participating against these two nitwits!" Nephrite said giddily.

"Anyone can participate," decided Beryl.

"Darn it," said Nephrite. "Now I have to practice! It's been years!"

"Contest is tomorrow. Glhf!" yelled Beryl, warping away.

* * *

It was the day of the contest. Everyone waited behind the stage.

"Welcome, all, to Negaverse Got Talent!" announced Beryl to the audience. "I'm here with my two guest judges, Wiseman and Professor Tomoe."

"Heya!" said Professor Tomoe.

"So what are you a professor of, anyway?" Beryl asked him.

"None of your beeeeeswax!" he told her.

"Fair enough. And how about you, 'Wiseman?' What makes you so wise? I don't see why a wise person would wear something as hideous as your outfit."

The crowd all laughed as Wiseman hung his head.

"Hey, I'm good at this. I should compete!" said Beryl. "Nah competing is for peasants. And speaking of peasants, here's our first competitor, Rei's Grandpa!"

Usagi turned to Rei who was sitting next to her in the audience. "This is gonna be good!"

"Oh boy," moaned Rei, covering her eyes. "Why did they have to associate him with me?!"

"Hey boys," said Rei's Grandpa. "I'm gonna do a ventriloquism act with Grandpa Jr.!"

"Dammit!" cried Jadeite from backstage. "He stole my act!"

"You're an idiot," said Zoisite to Jadeite.

"Shut up dead boyfriend McGee!" yelled Jadeite.

Zoisite slugged Jadeite and then went back to mourning.

Grandpa continued. "Grandpa Jr., say hello to the crowd!"

"Where's his dummy?" asked Usagi.

Then Grandpa dropped his pants. The whole audience gasped.

He was hauled off the stage by a cane.

"Ok," said Beryl. "Next act!"

"Hi, we're the Three Lights," said Seiya. "Today we'll be singing a little diddy. You've probably heard it, it's our one hit wonder, Search for Your Love!"

"PLEASE NOT AGAIN!" cried the audience.

"Nope we're doing it," Seiya announced. "1, 2, 3, 4! Search for your love! Search for your love! Search for your love! Na nan a nan a na!"

Beryl pressed her buzzer.

"Why is this in English?!" she demanded. "We're Japanese!"

"Why are there pictures in my head of Princess Kakyuukiaiikuuka?" Tomoe demanded.

"Who?" asked Wiseman.

"Same," agreed Tomoe.

They both hit their buzzers.

"Sorry boys that's a unanimous no!"

"Gosh darn!" yelled Taiki. "Now we'll never find out princess!"

"I'm right here," yelled Princess Kakyuuukykykykykyk from the audience.

"PRINCESS?!" they cried, tears flooding their eyes.

But they got pulled off the stage and Princess Kakakakakakakkakayuuuuu sacrificed herself for no reason.

"NEXT!" screamed Beryl.

"Hi guys I'm Zoisite."

"Oh brother," sighed Beryl. "I'd push your buzzers now if I were you," she whispered to the other judges."

"So recently I *sniff* lost someone very important to me."

"BOOOOO!" screamed Beryl.

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Nephrite from backstage.

"Anyway, I'm going to do a magic trick. Can I have some money? Put it on the edge of the stage. Checks would be fine."

The judges skeptically put some cash on the stage.

"Now, I'm going to make this money disappear!" explained Zoisite. He snapped his fingers and the money vanished. "It's gone!"

"Alright thanks everyone," he said leaving. Everyone started applauding except for the shocked judges. They all slammed their buzzers angrily but it was too late.

"NEEEEEEEEXT!" screamed Beryl in fury.

"Hidy ho, it's MELVIN!" Melvin announced.

"Shhh!" exclaimed Molly. "It's Melvina now!"

"But Molly! Why do I have wear a dress? And make up?"

"It's part of the act!" Molly insisted.

"ALRIGHT LET'S GOOO!" said Melvin enthusiastically.

They started singing the Sailor Moon theme song horribly.

"I don't know," said Beryl. "I don't like the message this song is trying to send. But the clown is kind of funny."

"That girl up there is kind of cute!" said Prof. Tomoe.

"What, the redhead?" Beryl asked.

"No, the one with the glasses!"

"You know that's a guy…" said Wiseman.

"Boys shmoys!" Tomoe told him.

Wiseman sighed.

"Nan nan na nan a na SAILOR YELL! N anananan SAILOR EYES! Nannsna nan an an an nan nan COLISEUM! Nananan SECRET KISS! Nananann SAILOR WIND!"

"I don't know this season!" screamed Beryl, slamming her button. Wiseman pressed his button too.

But Tomoe was too love struck by Melvina, AKA Melvin.

"JUST PUSH THE BUTTON!" screamed Wiseman. "MAKE IT STOP!"

"NEVER!" cried Tomoe.

Wiseman went to push his button but Tomoe shoved him. They started tussling on the floor. Beryl reached over and pressed his button.

"HEY, That'S CHEATING!" yelled Melvina!

"Shut it I'm the judge!" Beryl yelled back. "GET OFF THE STAGE!"

They sent in a hook but Melvin leaped into the audience and made a run for it.

"SECURITY!" yelled Beryl.

Melvina was dragged out by Droidos.

"Ok, now the next contestant will be-"

"HIDY HOOOO!" screamed Melvin as he ran back in. They tasered him and dragged him back out.

"GRANDPA Jr. IS BACK!" yelled Grandpa from behind the curtain. He was about to run out and streak, but they called a hasty commercial break while the curtain was dropped.

* * *

"The Sailor V Game! Crush the enemy! Have it somehow reflect your skills as a Sailor! It's fun for everyone!" the commercial read.

"BOOOOOO!" yelled everyone from back stage, while they watched the commercial on a small black and white television. "BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Diana the cat's 9 lives cat food! For all those times enemies barely throw you into a pillow, but you almost die! Your cat will love it! Especially if it's a newborn from the future!"

"BOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled everyone.

"Why are all these commercials garbage?" asked Nephrite.

"If you get Galaxy TV, you can record up to two programs at different times! For all two sides of you! We're the best and only cable company around during season five, so be sure to check us out on Facebook!"

Then Galaxia appeared on the TV. "OR ELSE I WILL TAKE YOUR STAR SEEDS!" she threatened.

"Lol," laughed everyone backstage. "We won't last that long!"

"Hi guys, it's me, your favorite Starlight, Taiki!"

"Look Ami, it's your bae!" Usagi said nudging Ami, who was on her other side.

"Aww yuck I'm not gay," said Ami.

"U sure?" asked Rei.

"U wot m8," said Ami.

The Taiki on the commercial continued. "I'm here to sell you a very special hair care product, that will make all the guys/girls love you, and all the guys/girls want to be you! It's called Tail & Tail, to get the perfect stupid ponytail to make you look ugly! All us Starlight use it, and look where it's gotten us! On the back of a cereal box and on this shitty 20 buck commercial! So buy it! And Search for your love! Nan nananana-"

Beryl cut off the commercials as the camera man had finally lined up a blur bar for Gramps, who was being dragged away.

"Come on, who's next?" asked Beryl. "Please be someone good!"

"Hi, it's us, Haruka and Michiru!"

"Who?" asked Beryl.

"Phew," said Tomoe. "For a second there I thought you were Sailors Neptune and Uranus!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!" laughed Neptune.

"AHAHAHHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHA!" laughed Uranus. "THAT WOULD BE CRAZY!

"ABSURD I TELL YOU!" added Neptune.

"What's your act?" groaned Wiseman.

"Today I'll be playing the outer scouts' theme song on my violin, while balancing TWO, count 'em, TWO lemons!" Neptune explained.

"Who would have guessed?" asked Usagi in awe.

"And what are you going to do?" Beryl asked, pointing at Haruka.

"I will be doing an interpretive dance."

"Just get this over with," Beryl sighed.

Neptune began to play.

Haruka began dancing like a fool. She waved her arms slowly and crouched. She lied down on the floor and did a curl up. Then she quickly uncurled and raised herself slowly.

Beryl let out a loud yawn. Tomoe was half asleep.

Haruka reached for the sky. Then she slowly leaned to one side, then the other.

Tomoe fell asleep, and his head fell on the buzzer. It woke him up with a shock. "HUH?"

The loud buzzer sound startled Beryl, so she too hit her button.

Wiseman pressed his button as well.

"Aww, looks like you're out of luck," Beryl told them.

"I'LL SHOW YOU OUT OF LUCK!" yelled Uranus, charging. Neptune pulled her back.

"They're not worth it!"

"You're right," agreed Uranus. They started to walk away, but Uranus made a sharp turn and charged again.

Neptune dragged her away.

"Well that sucked," said Beryl. "Anyone good? Anyone at all?"

"We're the Amazon Trio! We're good!" promised the next act.

"Prove it," challenged Beryl.

"Alright! Fisheye, after you?" said Hawk's Eye.

Fisheye started balancing on a ball and juggling knives.

"BORING!" yelled Beryl. It caused him/her to lose balance and fall off. The three knives all landed on his clothes, trapping him to the ground.

"Alright, step aside," said Hawk's Eye. He lit a torch. "I'll put this out with my mouth!" He said, putting out the flame dangerously, and then blowing fire.

"Woah!" said the audience.

"BORING!" yelled Beryl.

He started choking on the fire and had to drink some water.

"MY TURN!" said Tiger's Eye. He tied the semi-conscious Fisheye to a wheel and spun it. He started throwing knives at him as he spun.

"Woah look I'm not killing him!" he told the audience.

"That's a guy?" asked Wiseman.

"Sometimes."

"Ahh," Wiseman said, hitting his buzzer.

Queen Beryl hit her button too. "BORING!"

Tiger's Eye was steamed. "Screw you guys!" he yelled. "You don't know talent!"

"Let's go boys," he said, and they walked offstage sadly.

"IF THE NEXT PERSON WHO COMES UP ISN'T GOOD, I'M KILLING THEM!" Beryl shouted.

"Shit!" cried Jadeite. "Actually I think I'm not gonna go through with this!"

But Zoisite shoved him onstage because he was still steamed from earlier.

"Umm, hey guys! It's me, Jadeite!"

Queen Beryl pressed her button.

"WHAT?! NO FAIR!"

Wiseman pressed his button.

"NO GUYS JUST GIVE ME A CHANCE!"

"Alright," said Tomoe hesitantly, removing his hand from the button. "What's your act, kid?"

"Today I'm gonna be showing you Jadeite Jr.!"

"OH GAWD!" cried Tomoe, ready to press the button.

"No no no, it's not what you think!" Jadeite insisted. He pulled out a poorly made Styrofoam Jadeite ventriloquism dummy

"HEY GUYS I'M JADEITE JR." he said in a dumb voice as he moved his mouth obviously.

"Hey Jadeite Jr. Knock knock!"

"Who's there?" he had the puppet say.

"It's me, Jadeite!"

"No, you're Jadeite Jr.!"

"No, YOU'RE Jadeite Jr.!"

"Wait who am I voicing am I voicing right now? I got confused, let me start over."

Tomoe put his hand closer to the buzzer.

"WAIT WAIT WAIT! Who wants to see the puppet talk while I drink water?"

Crickets chirped.

Jadeite held the water bottle to his face.

"Look I'm Jadeite Jr., talking as Jadeite drinks water!"

"THAT WATER BOTTLE IS EMPTY!" yelled someone in the audience.

"I'd like to see you do better!" Jadeite yelled.

"A pile of garbage could do better!" the guy heckled.

"Well you're a pile of garbage, heckler!" Jadeite yelled back.

"No you are."

"Yeah, you're right," Jadeite admitted glumly.

Tomoe pressed his button.

Queen Beryl shot a laser at Jadeite but he fled.

"NEEEEEEXT!" cried Beryl, smashing her head on the table.

Evil Mamoru entered the room. "Hi guys-"

"EXCELLENT!" screamed Beryl. "BEST PERFORMANCE SO FAR! YOU'VE GOT THE JOB!"

Wiseman pressed the button. Tomoe followed suite.

"HEY STOP IT!" yelled Beryl. "THIS MAN IS A WINNER! Alright guys, talent show's off!"

"Wait just a second, Beryl!" said Wiseman. "We bought a two hour TV slot! We have to let all the contestants go!"

"NO!" shouted Beryl. "You guys are all scum!"

"Cut it out!" said Tomoe sadly. "We gotta wrap this up!"

"Fine but I'm not paying any more attention because I already know the winner," Beryl told him.

The other judges sighed.

The next competitor came out.

"HI GUYS I'M SAILOR V- I MEAN MINAKO AINO! I'm a future idol and I'm going to be singing a famous song!"

Beryl hit her button.

"Beryl stop it!" cried Wiseman. "You can't judge them so fast!"

"I already have my winner! You should know that, Foolman!"

Wiseman sighed. "Sing your song," he told Mina.

"OK!" Search for your love nananan nananananana Search for your love! Nanananan annan! Search for your love! Nanana-"

Everyone hit their buttons.

Mina was dragged away as she called out for Yaten. But he was too busy throwing away buckets of love letters and whining about them.

The next contestant came out.

"Shyaaaaa yaa brahhhh, I'm Chad! I'm gonna break this wood board with my bare hands. CHYAAAAAAAH BRAHAHHHHHH!" he yelled, chopping the board. It didn't break. But his hand did.

"AHHH NAHHHH BRAHHHH! YAAAAOUCH!" Chad fell over and started sobbing. "WAAAHHHH AHHHHH, MAAAA BRAHH?"

All three of the judges hit their buttons.

Another competitor came onstage.

"I'm Mako-chan! I'm gonna teach you to cook!"

Beryl slammed her button.

"STOP. IT!" yelled Wiseman and Tomoe.

"Nope I already told you how it was."

"UGH!"

"Please continue," Tomoe told the contestant.

"No no, I can tell when I'm not wanted," Makoto said sadly, leaving.

"Look what you did!" he yelled at Beryl.

"YOU GO MAKO-CHAN!" yelled Usagi from the audience, since she hadn't been paying attention.

"NEXT!" Wiseman called.

"Hi I'm Alan the Alien- I mean… human?"

"Ok…"

"Ima play the flute!"

Beryl hit her button but Alan was unphased.

He started to play but Beryl reached for the other judges' buttons. Wiseman slapped away her hand, but then she kicked the button with her foot, clicking it. Tomoe tried to block with his body but she tossed him aside and pushed his anyway.

Alan sobbed and left the stage.

"Hi I'm Sailor Moon!" said the next contestant

"WAIT A SECOND IS THAT ME?!" Usagi gasped from the audience.

"Well you're here, so I don't think you're there," said Ami the genius.

"Are you sure?" asked Rei sarcastically.

"Well I'll have to do some calculations but for now, I think we'll have to stay on guard!"

Rei sighed. "Why do I even bother?"

"So guys wanna see a magic trick?" asked the off-colored Sailor Moon on the stage.

"Sure, Sailor Moon!" agreed the judges. "You seem trustworthy!"

"Ok so put all your money on the edge of the stage here…"

The judges pulled out their money and almost put it down. But suddenly Wiseman realized something.

"WAIT A SECOND, YOU'rE THAT GUY FROM BEFORE!"

"LELELELELELELEL!" laughed Zoisite, grabbing the money anyway and running offstage.

"GET HER!" yelled Tomoe.

The security guards went after him but they had no luck.

The last competitor stepped onto the stage.

"Alright, they saved the best for last," a mysterious voice said from behind closed curtains.

The spotlights flew all across the curtains, before focusing in the middle.

Nephrite burst out of the curtains and fireworks went off all around him. "It's me, Nephrite!"

Beryl hit her button.

Wiseman turned and glared at her. "BERYL!" he warned angrily.

"Hey, I would have hit it regardless of whether he was done his act or not!"

"So what is your act?" asked Tomoe.

"My act?" asked Nephrite. "SHIT!"

Tomoe pressed his button.

"Umm, my act is to do any act! I am the man of any act, and I am taking requests just this once!"

"Juggle knives like those circus guys," requested Wiseman.

"Umm, I would, but we don't have any knives!"

Zoisite tossed him some knives.

"Alright here I go!" said Nephrite regretfully. He threw the knives up and then barely dodged as they fell to the floor. "Woah, those came down mighty fast! Gravity is crazy these days, huh?"

"BOOOOOO!" screamed everyone. Wiseman was too busy sleeping to press his button.

"OH NO I'M LOSING THEM!" realized Nephrite. "I can't have them think I'm bad!"

Nephrite fell to the ground and faked a heart attack. "GAH! I'M DYING! SOMEONE HELP ME!"

"Nice try!" scoffed Beryl, "But Kunzite already did that act today!"

"D'aww," said Nephrite leaving. "It was worth a try."

The audience applauded his courage.

"Whelp us judges need a few minutes to sort out the winner," said Beryl.

The judges leaned over to start discussing, but before they could get a word out, Beryl cut them off. "THE WINNER OF THE 21st ANNUAL NEGAVERSE GOT TALENT IS… EVIL MAMORU!" She exclaimed, applauding herself.

"We didn't agree on that!" Wiseman and Tomoe yelled.

"Shut up," retaliated Beryl. "My show, my rules!"

They stormed off. "What a waste of a Saturday," they agreed.

"Mamoru come up and redeem your prize!" Beryl encouraged.

"Oh, well this is awkward. I actually got unbrainwashed!" Mamoru explained.

"Aww well, you were never really brainwashed anyway," Beryl resigned sadly, watching him as he walked away. "Waaaaaah!" she cried.

"Whelp looks like all's well that ends well!" said Jadeite.

"At least we all had the courage to participate!" added Nephrite.

"My boyfriend died today," stated Zoisite. "It will be lonely at home…"

"Same," laughed Jadeite.

"Oh yeah I forgot to mention," remembered Beryl. "The worst act will be put in an eternal sleep!"

"WHAT!?" everyone gasped.

"Jadeite…"

Jadeite made a break for it but Beryl whipped out a fishing rod and reeled him in.

Jadeite threw a weak punch but it was useless.

Queen Beryl put Jadeite in an eternal sleep.

"LOL!" laughed Kunzite's ghost.

FIN


	56. Zoisite Dislikes Queen Beryl's Selfie

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Queen Berly! I found a new source of energy!" mocked Beryl.

"A-are you mocking me m'lady?" asked Jadeite.

"LEL"

"Beryl you're a piece of trash!" whailed Jadeite.

"LOL! MAD?"

"Beryl that's it I'm removing you as a contact on Negabook!"

"I blocked you years ago!"

Jadeite charged Beryl.

She finished him off in one blow without a trace.

"KO! I WIN!" Beryl shouted.

* * *

Nephrite sat at home, browsing Negabook.

Jadeite updated his status.

"Got killed today. RIP me. GG Beryl, I'll getcha next time!"

Nephrite liked his status. Then he thought of a status of his own.

"Maxfield Stanton went to the mall today," Nephrite posted.

His post got thirty dislikes.

"WHAT?!" Nephrite yelled furiously. "I don't even have that many friends on here! There's like three of us in the Negaverse that use Negabook, especially since Jadeite kills all the Youmas..."

He read who disliked his post. Jade Ite, Jay D. Ite, Jed Dite, J. Dwight, Jed I. Te, Jah D. Yte, Zoisite, Kunzite, Queen Beryl, Queen Metalia, and some fellow named Evil Swagaru.

"Grrrrrr," Nephrite grumbled. "I'll show them all!"

Nephrite went on that Evil Swagaru fellow's wall. "You suck!" Nephrite messaged him.

"LOL Beryl likes me more than you and I'm the enemy," Evil Mamoru replied.

"WHO IS THIS?" Nephrite demanded.

"Ur mum."

"MOM!?" Nephrite gasped. "I thought Beryl killed you! Oh Mom we have so much catching up to do!"

"Son I hate you," replied Evil Swagaru.

"MOM...?!"

"Faggot."

Nephrite slammed his laptop shut and cried.

* * *

Queen Beryl posted a new selfie.

"Got a new gown! You can't really tell because it looks like the other one, but it's new! ;D"

Beryl waited.

She refreshed the page.

"ZERO LIKES!?" she yelled enraged. "That's it I'm killing all the Shitennou."

"This is their last chance," she declared, refreshing the page.

When it loaded, she saw her selfie had ONE DISLIKE!?

She read who it was. Zoisite.

She teleported to Zoisite's castle.

"Hey Queen Beryl, what brings you here?" asked Kunzite.

"Dammit Kunzite so you're gonna put up a fight, huh?"

"What?" asked Kunzite confused.

"I didn't want to have to take you out but you leave me no choice!"

Queen Beryl murdered him in cold blood.

Zoisite came into the room.

He saw Beryl and fled.

"BUT WHY BERYL!?" he screamed as he ran from her hot pursuit. "I mean I'm sure I did something but what in particular this time!?"

"YOU DISLIKED MY SELFIE!"

"Shit people can see that?"

Queen Beryl teleported in front of Zoisite.

Zoisite teleported to the side. But Queen Beryl teleported too swiftly. Zoisite tried to turn around and run the other way, but Queen Beryl extended her arm and grabbed him by the throat.

She threw him into the abyss. Zoisite was never seen again.

Then she teleported back and searched for Nephrite and Jadeite to finish them off.

"IGNORE MY SELFIE, HUH?!" she shouted.

"Be quiet and she won't find us!" Jadeite whispered to Nephrite.

They both cowered in the handicap stall of the men's room.

"She can't come in here, this is the perfect hiding spot!" Nephrite added reassuringly.

Queen Beryl slammed open the bathroom door.

They both gasped and put their legs up so Beryl couldn't see their feet and would think no one was in there.

"I think she left," whispered Jadeite after a moment.

Suddenly she started sliding under the stall door.

Jadeite screamed like a little girl.

She stood up quickly and grabbed Nephrite by the neck.

She slammed his body into the stall wall, and then started drowning him in the toilet.

Jadeite was against the corner of the stall, still screaming.

Suddenly he realized this was his chance, and slid under the door and fled.

"Why you little...!" Beryl screamed, as she let go of Nephrite's corpse and charged after Jadeite.

"BERYL I'M SORRY!" Jadeite pleaded. "I WOULD HAVE LIKED YOUR SELFIE, I SWEAR! I JUST HADN'T BEEN ON THE COMPUTER DURING THE SHORT TIMEFRAME BETWEEN WHEN YOU POSTED IT AND WHEN YOU CAME AFTER ME FOR MY LIFE!"

"Yeah right," scoffed Beryl. "PREPARE TO DIE!"

"Ok," said Jadeite, pulling out a steak dinner. "Time for my last meal!"

"TIME'S UP!" yelled Beryl, eating his steak.

Jadeite sobbed. "Can I at least say my last wor-"

Queen Beryl ended his story.

She went on Jadeite's computer to like her own selfie. But she saw that he had already liked it.

"Oops," she laughed.

She continued to post selfies and like them on all of Jadeite's accounts.

Queen Beryl won Negabook.

FIN


	57. The Good Ol' Days

"Queen Berlap!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energah!"

"Jadeite you're a dumb."

"A dumb what?"

"A dumb dumb-dumb."

"Queen Beryl you told me to come here and present my new source. Then I get here and you abuse me. How did we get like this?"

"SCRAM YOU HAM!" yelled Beryl, shooting at him as he fled.

* * *

Jadeite sat down in the Nega Cafeteria and sighed. "It's just been one of those days."

"Every day is one of those days with Beryl," Nephrite groaned, joining in on the moping.

"How did it get like this?" Zoisite asked sadly. "Beryl used to love us!"

"Yeah," Kunzite reminisced. "I remember it like it was only a thousand years ago..."

* * *

FLASHBACK...

"Hey guys," said Beryl who wasn't even a queen yet. "Do you wanna stop being Endymio's guardians and instead help me take over the world?"

"I don't know," Zoisite said thoughtfully. "Are you going to kill me if I disobey you?"

"I would never do such a thing!" Beryl exclaimed.

"I'm in, but just so you know," began Jadeite. "I am the most successful of the group. Up until this point, I have never failed once."

"Awesome!" Beryl said happily. "You'll be a valuable member of the team! So valuable, in fact, that I'll send you up first to finish the job before I call in any of the others. You'll be the first to set the standards of victory!"

"If I join," asked Nephrite. "Can I have my very own planetarium?"

"Sure."

"YEEEEEEEEEEEET!"

"If I join," asked Zoisite. "Will I be free to be gay and will people stop trying to hook me up with that blue haired girl? All I want is to be gay and free!"

"Sure!" agreed Beryl. "And I won't call you a faggot all the time, like Endymiooooo does!"

"Aww sweet!"

"I don't know about this," said Kunzite. "You see, right now I'm a lord and I wear a cape. Will this transfer over?"

"No you're not!" objected Nephrite. "You're the lowest ranking member on the team!"

"SHHHH!" Kunzite shushed.

"Sure, you'll be the leader!" agreed Beryl.

"AWWWWW YEEEEAHH!"

"Ok so let's take over the Moon Kingdom! There's no way we can fail!" Beryl declared with pride.

* * *

A thousand years later...

"Yeah those were the good old days," they all agreed.

"If only it could be like that again," Nephrite sighed nostalgically.

"What if," Jadeite started, "We can get Beryl to re-recruit us? It will be like falling in love for the first time! Only it's the second!"

"Falling in love with who?" asked Nephrite.

"WHAT? I don't love Beryl! We're just friends, I swear!"

"I don't think Beryl's your friend..." Zoisite remarked.

"TAKE IT BACK!" cried Jadeite.

"MAKE ME, BOZO!"

Jadeite and Zoisite started slugging it out.

Kunzite waited a few minutes and then reluctantly broke up the squabble.

"YOU WANT MORE!?" Zoisite shouted, barely conscious.

"I could easily go a couple more rounds!" challenged Jadeite, laying on the ground in agony.

"No, Jadeite might be onto something," said Nephrite.

"Yeah I think we should keep the fight going," agreed Kunzite.

"No, no, not that. What if we get our jobs back with Endymion?"

"Huh?" asked Kunzite.

"That way, Beryl would realize how valuable we are, and she'll come enlist us again! It will be like the good ol' days!"

"That's an awful plan," Kunzite told him.

Suddenly they heard Beryl's voice over the loud speaker. "It's Shitennou bowling pin hour! Report to my throne room at once, last one here has to be the ball!"

"Let's go get our old Beryl back," decided Kunzite.

* * *

1000 years earlier...

"Alright, team!" Beryl said enthusiastically to her new friends. "Let's start by setting some ground rules. All five of us are equals. We will take down the Moon Kingdom as one. If one of us goes down, we all go down!"

"Awww yeah my love!" said Jadeite happily. "I have never failed once and I'm not about to start now!"

"Hey Zoisite, want to share this chocolate bar with me?" Nephrite asked.

"Why thank you, best buddy! You're the greatest!" Zoisite replied.

"Aww, you're the best best buddy ever!" Nephrite said, hugging his pal.

"Darn," said Kunzite. "I wish Nephrite and Zoisite would break up so I could have Zoisite all to myself!"

"Ok team," Beryl continued. "Let's practice our magic!"

"Metalia didn't give us any powers yet," reminded Jadeite.

"Hmm, then let's start with some basic combat training. Jadeite, since you're the best member of the team, throw your strongest punch at me!"

"Are you sure?" Jadeite asked nervously. "I wouldn't want to hurt my buddy!"

"Yeah yeah, I can handle it!"

Jadeite threw a punch.

"Did a gust of wind just hit me?" Beryl asked.

"Umm... yeah!" said Jadeite. "Now okay, I'm gonna throw my punch!"

Beryl waited. "I just keep feeling gusts of wind. Jadeite, are you not trying so that you don't intimidate me with your strength?"

"Umm... yes. Totally," Jadeite said sweating.

"Well then, I guess I'll just take a swing at you. It won't do much though, considering how powerful you are."

"Ok!" agreed Jadeite. "This'll be ez," he thought to himself. "I mean she's just a girl!"

Beryl pulled her arm back. Then she gave him a good sock to the face. He went flying off the moon and into space. Tears flew from his eyes as he tried to scream for help, but he was in a vacuum.

"Aww, isn't he sweet?" Beryl commented. "Pretending to fly off the moon, just to make me feel good about myself! My feelings for him will never change!"

"Kunzite, wanna take a turn at being my sparring buddy, or do you wanna call it for the day and get ice cream?" Beryl asked him.

Kunzite actually wanted to have a go, but he was new at the whole cape thing and was too busy struggling with it.

"How do I get it to flow?!" he struggled.

* * *

Meanwhile, in present time...

Mamoru heard a knock on his door.

"I swear, if it's those Shitennou, I'm calling the cops!"

He opened the door.

He closed the door and walked back inside. He started dialing 911.

"NO STOP!" cried Jadeite through the door. "We want to be your guardians again!"

Mamoru typed another 1. He went to click call.

"Please we'll do anything!" Nephrite called.

"Hmm, this could be a trap," Mamoru thought to himself. "Nephrite and Jadeite aren't very trustworthy."

"Come on Mamoru, we're doing this because we care about you!" lied Zoisite.

"Oh boy, the most trustworthy member of the Shitennou!" Mamoru said, relieved. "Now I know they're telling the truth!"

Mamoru opened the door. "Welcome back guys! It's been a while! So umm, we don't have a palace like we used to, but I have this here two bedroom apartment. Bedroom 1 is for me, and the other is for my tuxedo. I guess I could make some room in the closet!"

"Goody," sneered Kunzite angrily.

"Hey is that sass?" asked Mamoru. "Don't make me demote you back to your old rank!"

"I would never sass you, sir!" promised Kunzite.

Mamoru thought for a moment. "Ok so umm, Jadeite can do my dishes, Nephrite can fluff my pillow, Zoisite, since he's my favorite, can just take it easy..."

"Aww yeah!" said Zoisite, laying down on the couch.

"And Kunzite can scrub my car! Now chop chop!"

Everyone went off to do their jobs.

"When can we go back to Beryl?" Jadeite sobbed.

"Any minute now she'll be on her knees begging us to come back!" Nephrite promised.

"I don't know, I kind of like it better here," said Zoisite.

"Oh yeah, Zoisite buddy!" said Mamoru. "I almost forgot! I have this single friend I want you to meet!"

"Uh oh," Zoisite began.

"Zoisite, this is Ami. You remember her?"

"STAY AWAY FROM ME!" hissed Zoisite, springing up like a cat.

"But why don't you want to date her?" Mamoru asked in shock. "You two have so much in common!"

"Like what?!" Zoisite demanded.

"Well, you both have such a strong moral compass. And you're both the weakest of your groups."

"HEY!" yelled Zoisite and Ami in unison.

"And you both get defensive when I point out how obvious it is that you're the weakest!" added Mamoru.

"No way, I'm easily better than Jadeite!" Zoisite objected.

"Hmm, I don't know," said Mamoru. "At least Jadeite beat me in a fight."

"I KILLED YOU LIKE TWICE!" Zoisite yelled.

"Yeah but you cheated. That doesn't count!"

"Screw you I'm leaving!" yelled Zoisite leaving.

Nephrite slid in front of the door, blocking it. "OH NO U DON'T! If you leave now, Beryl won't beg for us to come back!"

"Fiiiiiine," Zoisite said reluctantly. "But I'm only giving her a few more hours."

* * *

Meanwhile in the past...

Beryl and her beloved Shitennou had just arrived at the ice cream place.

"Aww nuts," said Zoisite sadly. "I forgot my cash."

Kunzite was about to make his move and buy him ice cream but Nephrite cut him off.

"I'll buy you some!" Nephrite volunteered.

"Aww thanks bud, I'll always be your friend!"

Nephrite bought Zoisite the ice cream.

Zoisite took a bite off the top of the ice cream. Suddenly his face turned dark purple and then dark green and then dark red. He couldn't breathe.

"Nephrite..." he managed to gasp. "What... flavor did you get...?"

"Rocky road? Don't you like rocky road?"

"Did it... *choke* ...by any chance... *gag* have cashews in it?"

"Yeah but I don't see what the issue is..." Nephrite wondered.

"I'm deathly allergic to cashews *die*"

"Oh crap I thought that was almonds. Oopsie!" Nephrite said with deep concern.

Kunzite slugged Zoisite in the gut and he spit out the cashew. He fell to the ground, gasping for air. "I'm... alive?! My whole life flashed before my eyes!"

"Buddy I am so sorry," began Nephrite.

"YOU TRIED TO KILL ME!"

"No, I was just trying to be nice!"

"YOU'RE A MADMAN!" Zoisite cried.

"Come on guys, no need to fight," Jadeite intervened.

Nephrite slapped Jadeite and then Zoisite backhanded Jadeite.

He started to cry. "But... but you guys have never hit me before!" he sobbed.

"LOOK WHAT YOU DID YOU MONSTER!" barked Zoisite.

"ME?! I SLAPPED HIM GENTLY!"

"YOU WILL DIE BY MY HAND!" screamed Zoisite.

"Hahahaha yeah right," laughed Nephrite.

"So anyway I was the hero here," said Kunzite. "I think I should be given a promotion."

"Good point!" said Beryl. "You will be known as Lord Kunzite from now on!"

"WTF!" barked Nephrite. "I thought you said we're all equal."

"Oh yeah, sorry Kunzite I'll have to take your cape back."

"No no, let's think about this for a moment!" Kunzite objected. "Beryl, if you stop trying to make everyone equal, you could call yourself a Queen!"

"Ooooh, but what would I be the queen of?" asked Beryl.

"Nothing! I'm not the lord of anything! You don't actually need a domain, just call yourself a queen and then people will treat you like one!" Kunzite suggested.

"OMG EXCELLENT!" exclaimed Beryl. "From now on I will be known as Queen Beryl!"

"Why don't I get to be the queen?" asked Zoisite.

"Because you're a guy."

"Awww," Zoisite said, bewildered.

"And you're also my slave now! HAHAHAH DO MY BIDDING!" yelled QUEEN Beryl.

"No Beryl that's not what I meant!" Kunzite cried.

"CAN IT SLAVE! SHINE MY SHOES!"

Kunzite gasped.

"Naww I'm just kidding," said Queen Beryl. "I won't let the power go to my head. Besides, you guys have never let me down, and I'm sure you never will. That's why I'll always treat you with respect."

"D'awww," they all said.

"I don't know," Nephrite commented. "I don't think Zoisite deserves respect. I mean, you do something nice for him and he just turns on you..."

"YOU TRIED TO KILL ME!" exclaimed Zoisite.

Kunzite sighed. But then he saw the chance. "Hey Zoisite I heard Nephrite specifically ask them to put cashews in your rocky road."

"WHAT?!" Zoisite gasped.

"So yeah we should get together," Kunzite suggested.

"Well yeah totally! But that Nephrite... he's gonna get it!"

"Come on Jadeite let's team up against them," Nephrite decided.

"No thanks I want to be loved by all!" Jadeite said, refusing to pick sides.

"Well now you're hated by all," said Zoisite.

"Drats," sighed Jadeite. "At least I always succeed, so I'll have that to go back on."

* * *

5 months later in present time

"RISE AND SHINE!" yelled Mamoru, slamming pots together. The Shitennou jumped up out of shock at the loud sound at 4 AM, and slammed into eachother and the closet door.

Finally one of them struggled to open the door.

"HAHAHA you guys all came out of the closet," Mamoru mocked. "I mean no surprise for Zoisite and Kunzite, but really Jadeite? I never would have guessed."

"Come on!" cried Jadeite. "It was funny the first time but you say the same thing every morning! Please. Just stop."

"Stop coming out of the closet and I'll stop calling you out for it!" laughed Mamoru. "Now get to work, my garden needs trimming!"

"I can't believe he planted a garden, just to make us do extra work!" Zoisite moaned in exasperation.

There was a knock on the door.

"BERYL?!" they all cried in hopeful unison.

Mamoru opened the door. "HEY USAKO!"

"Hey Mamo-chan!"

"Oh boy Zoisite," said Mamoru enthusiastically, "She brought your fiancee!"

"WHY WHY WHY WHY!" Zoisite cried, jumping out the window.

Usagi walked in, while Ami went home to study.

"Why are there Shitennou in your house?" asked Usagi.

"Those aren't Shitennou, those are the maids," Mamoru explained. "They like to call themselves Shitennou though," he whispered to her.

"I see," said Usagi. "Will they do my math homework?"

"Of course!" said Mamoru. He clapped his hands. "Kunzite!"

Kunzite sat down with Usagi and let out a pained groan.

"Ok, Usagi!" he barked. "This is a triangle!"

"Which?"

"The one with three sides."

"How many is three?"

"This many," he said holding up three fingers.

"But I thought that was four?"

"No, it's three."

"Math is too hard! I need a snack! NEPHRITE!" she demanded.

"See she's getting the hang of it," said Mamoru to Jadeite as Jadeite moved the refrigerator to the side.

"You know what, move it back," said Mamoru. "I don't like it there."

Nephrite brought Usagi cheese curls.

"Nephrite," she said slowly. "What brand is this?"

"Umm, Food Dragon brand?" Nephrite said reading the label.

"That's not a name brand," she stated.

"Yes..."

"Get it out of my sight!" she yelled, throwing the cheese curls on the floor. She started stomping on them. "CLEAN THAT UP!"

"NO!" yelled Nephrite.

"Nephrite..." warned Mamoru.

Nephrite grabbed a broom.

"I'm back!" called Ami. "Zoisite you bought me flowers, right bae?"

Zoisite was hiding inside of Mamoru's refrigerator. He poked his head out for air, but Ami caught him.

Zoisite teleported away.

"Oh that's why the fridge was so heavy," said Jadeite, passing out.

"Someone go get Zoisite!" Kunzite yelled. "Beryl won't come for us if we're not all here!"

"SHE'S NOT COMING FOR US!" cried Nephrite breaking down.

"She will!" Jadeite said awaking from his passed out state. "She loves us!"

"NO, SHE DOESN'T!" screeched Nephrite at the top of his lungs. "WE'VE BEEN HERE FOR FIVE MONTHS! SHE HASN'T EVEN NOTICED!"

"She'll be here any minute," Kunzite said reassuringly.

"NOOOOOO SHEEEEEEEEEEEE WOOOOON'T!"

Nephrite picked up a chair and smashed out the window.

"Hey take it easy there," said Mamoru.

He threw Mamoru through Mamoru's giant flat screen TV. Then he knocked over the fridge Jadeite so painstakingly moved.

"D'aww now I have to start over :(" said Jadeite.

Nephrite pulled out a tank of gasoline and started pouring it everywhere. Then he took out a flamethrower and burnt down Mamoru's apartment. But why stop there? He tore down the entire apartment building in cold blood. Ami didn't make it out alive.

Nephrite, Kunzite, and Jadeite stood on the ashes of the apartment building.

"I think we should go home now," said Kunzite.

"Yep," agreed Jadeite.

They walked off towards the North Pole, until somewhere along the way realizing they could teleport.

Back in the castle, they opened the door slowly.

Queen Beryl had been building a twelve story tall house of cards. When the door opened, the gust of wind from the North Pole knocked over her house of cards.

"Gosh darn it!" she screamed.

"Queen Beryl, we're back," announced Kunzite.

"You left?" Beryl asked. "I've been too focused on this house of cards to notice."

Kunzite sighed. "Yep, we left. We thought you'd come looking for us. You never did."

"Why would I do that?" asked Beryl.

"I don't know," Jadeite said sadly.

"Maybe because you used to care about us?" Nephrite asked.

"I did?" asked Beryl. "That was like a thousand years ago!"

"But what did we do wrong?!" Jadeite begged. "We can't remember why you stopped loving us!"

"Why did I...?" she pondered. "Oh yeah, I remember! It all started-"

Suddenly Zoisite teleported in. "QUEEN BERYL I AM HOME! YOUR LIFE CAN GO ON NOW!"

"Who are you?" Beryl asked.

"Aww nuts," said Zoisite floating to the ground sadly.

"So what were you about to say?" Jadeite persued.

"Huh. I forget now."

"BERYL!" Jadeite sobbed.

"Ok, ok. It all started on the day of the Moon Kingdom raid..."

* * *

YET ANOTHER FLASHBACK

"Alright, boys," Queen Beryl peptalked. "Today is the big day. I hope you all brought your armies of hypnotized humans like we planned!"

"Yep, the squads be ready!" Jadeite informed her.

"Alright, Jadeite. You've never let me down before. You take your squad first, and CHARGE!"

"Wait a second, I think me and my squad should go first!" Kunzite objected. "I'm the leader of this army!"

"No way!" said Nephrite. "Me first, me first!"

"Don't bicker on the day of the raid!" insisted Beryl. "Zoisite, since you didn't join in with them, you can go first!"

"Oh I gave all my brainwashed humans to Kunzite. He said he was the leader or something."

Beryl sighed. "Alright, then I guess Kunzite will be at the front of the attack formation. But Nephrite will be right behind him."

"Now wait just a second!" said Zoisite. "I gave him my humans! So I think I should help supervise!"

"No, you don't have an army!" barked Nephrite. "Go away, you can be in the back with Jadeite!"

"YAY!" said Jadeite. "I haven't had a friend since the Silver Millennium!"

"It is the Silver Millennium," said Beryl.

"Exactly."

"Nope I'm standing behind Kunzite and you can't stop me," Zoisite declared.

"STOP ARGUING OVER FORMATION!" screamed Beryl. "You two can be equally behind Kunzite."

"I don't know, Queen Beryl," said Nephrite. "That's a little ambiguous to me. I think maybe I should be just a little bit above Zoisite. You know, to confirm my superior ranking."

"I don't care, you guys figure it out. I need to go after my Mamo-love! I'm counting on you guys to finish off the rest of the Moon Kingdom. Don't let me down, or I'll hate you forever!"

"What about Metalia?" asked Kunzite. "Isn't she gonna help?"

"Nah, she's just here for theatrics," explained Beryl. "Whelp, break a leg!" she said taking off.

"Alright crew, we got dis!" encouraged Jadeite.

They marched in, followed by their earth people armies.

Kunzite stood in the front with his shield and spear ready.

"Alright guys, pause for a moment."

"Why?" asked Nephrite.

"This is our photo op! Everyone smile for the camera, we need cool pics for when I bring the Sailors back here in the future!"

"Huh?" Jadeite asked.

"JUST GO WITH IT! You guys won't be alive when it happens, but I'm telling ya!"

They all froze and made cool stances. Eventually Nephrite started to tiptoe forward.

"HEY!" barked Zoisite. "Beryl said you could be SLIGHTLY ahead of me. That's a whole pace ahead of me!" Zoisite took two steps forward.

"Get back in your spot, noob!" yelled Nephrite.

"NO!" screamed Zoisite, running in front of Kunzite.

"Woah, you're messing up the shot!" cried Kunzite. "What if the Sailors saw this and thought you were the leader?"

"Yeah get back here!" yelled Nephrite.

"Why can't we be friends~ Why can't we be friends~" sung Jadeite.

"SHUT UP!" all three yelled at once.

"I have an idea," said Jadeite. "We don't need to do this pyramid formation. How about we all stand in a line!"

"YUCK!" screamed Kunzite.

"Alright brainwashed humans," Zoisite yelled, turning around. "Everyone follow my lead and CHARGE!"

The humans began to charge.

"NO NO NO STOP!" Kunzite screamed, putting up a forcefield. "You don't even have humans, Zoisite. Go home."

"I GAVE MINE TO YOU!"

"Exactly, so why are you trying to take them back!"

"Man, that Zoisite's such a pest," commented Nephrite. "We should get rid of him."

"We should get rid of you," said Kunzite.

"WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON!?"

"We're all in this together~" Jadeite sung from the High School Musical Soundtrack.

Zoisite turned around and slugged Jadeite.

"DON'T HIT MY FRIEND!" yelled Nephrite, drop kicking Zoisite.

"Aww, I'm your friend?" Jadeite asked gleefully.

Nephrite slugged Jadeite.

Kunzite picked up Nephrite and threw him into a rock.

"ARGHUUUUGHHHHHHHHH!" yelled Nephrite.

"Aww baby that was so romantic!" said Zoisite, and him and Kunzite started making out.

"EWWWW!" cried Jadeite, crawling over and pulling Kunzite's cape off to shield his eyes with.

Kunzite froze. "W-w-w-w-whaT?" he stuttered. He couldn't form coherent sentences without his cape.

Jadeite tried to make a break for it, but Zoisite shot a crystal from behind him and knocked him over.

Nephrite snatched the cape and put it on. "I'M THE LORD NOW!" Nephrite yelled. "BOW BEFORE ME! HUMAN ARMY, CHARGE!"

"Nope!" said Kunzite, open firing into the human army to get them to stop listening to Nephrite.

"Wait a minute," said Jadeite. "When were we supposed to go after Queen Serenity?"

Kunzite looked at his watch. "Oh, only about ten minutes ago. It should be fine."

Suddenly the sky filled with light. Beams shot down from the sky, pulverizing all the Shitennou and Metalia, as well asBeryl.

"SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!" they all cried.

"MAYBE BERYL DIDN'T NOTICE IT WAs OUR FAULT!" Nephrite wailed as they got disintegrated.

"I HEAAAARD THAT!" Beryl screamed as her last words.

* * *

"Oh yeah, I remember now!" Jadeite laughed. "That was pretty wacky!"

Queen Beryl glared at them.

"Can't you give us another chance?" asked Nephrite.

"Alright," said Beryl. "Let's go raid the Moon Kingdom RIGHT NOW. As one."

"OMG REALLY?!" Jadeite questioned in exuberant shock

"But there is no kingdom on the moon anymo-" Zoisite began.

"SHHH!" said Kunzite.

They all started flying towards the moon.

"So uh, we're just gonna get a head start!" Kunzite told the queen. They all headed to the Moon first. Finally Beryl showed up.

"Yup we killed em' all!" said Kunzite. "Look, all that's left is rubble!"

"Awesome!" said Beryl. "I knew you could do it! Now where's my Endymion?"

"Uhhhhhhhhhh..."

"Did you kill him!?" demanded Beryl.

"No, he's back on Earth!" they cried.

"So the Moon kingdom was already gone? WERE YOU TRYING TO PLAY ME FOR A FOOL!?" Beryl demanded.

"So is that a no for ice cream later?" Kunzite asked.

Beryl punted them one by one back down to the Earth.

* * *

"This looks like the end," Mamoru said to Usagi. They were both trapped under a large piece of rubble from their burnt down apartment.

Suddenly there was a loud smash.

"Are we... free?" Mamoru gasped. Him and Usagi climbed out of the rubble.

"We got saved by a meteor hitting the rubble!" exclaimed Usagi.

"That's the no meteor, that's my maids!" Mamoru realized.

"Oof," muttered Jadeite, rubbing his head from the fall.

"GET BACK TO WORK!" screamed Mamoru.

FIN


	58. Jadeite Goes Bowling

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Tell me what it is!" exclaimed Beryl. "Give me the juice!"

"Well you see, m'Queen. The humans have this game that they play for fun, called bowling!"

"WOAH!" cried Queen Beryl. "Never heard of that one!"

"Yeah! So anyway, I think I can use this as a source for stealing energy!"

"WOW!"

"Wahoo!" Jadeite joined in, amazed at how impressed Queen Beryl was. "I will go to the bowling alley and investigate this immediately!"

"AWESOME YOU DO THAT!" Queen Beryl shouted, slapping her knee.

"YEE HAW!" yelled Jadeite, running out to go to the bowling center ASAP.

"Thank heavens, he's gone!" Queen Beryl sighed with relief. "Now I can go back to watching my show, Sailor Moon Crystal!"

Five minutes later...

"Man this is awful! At least I'm sure they'll give me a very epic and not at all sympathy-enducing death!"

* * *

Jadeite entered the bowling alley in an overcoat and glasses. "This disguise is flawless!" he said as he began exploring the bowling alley.

He walked up to a group of kids bowling and stood and watched them play.

"Ahh yessss," he said to himself, licking his lips. "I have the perfect plan! HEE HEE!"

His parole officer tapped him on the shoulder. Jadeite turned around, and the officer just shook his head.

Jadeite hung his head and moped away.

When he was about to leave, he spotted some familiar faces on the other side of the bowling alley.

"OMG GUYS!" he cried running up to his fellow Shitennou. "WHAT BRINGS YOU HERE!? ARE YOU INVESTIGATING NEW SOURCES OF ENERGY AS WELL!?"

"Umm... yes!" said Nephrite suspiciously, looking away.

"Aww sweet!" Jadeite said. "We can search together! Beryl must have thought my idea was so good that she sent all of you!"

"Can't... resist... telling... him off," struggled Zoisite.

"Hang in there," said Kunzite. "You know what will happen if he finds out."

"Finds out what?" Jadeite demanded.

"Nothing!" Kunzite exclaimed. "Just... uh... the present we picked out for your birthday!"

"D'awww, you shouldn't have! Is it this bowling ball with Nephrite's name on it?" Jadeite asked. "Wait a second. Why is Nephrite's name on this ball? Do you come here often?"

"No," said Evil Endymion. "We've never been here before in our lives!"

"AYYYY It's the Striketennou!" some random person walking by called out. "You guys are the best bowling team here, rock on!"

"Who's the Striketennou?" asked Jadeite.

"These guys, of course!" the random told Jadeite.

The Shitennou started sweating and looked at each other nervously.

"They come here every week!" the random guy continued. "They win all the tournaments, they're world champions!"

"...What?" Jadeite asked in shock. "That can't be right..."

"But it is!" the random exclaimed. "Just look at all these trophies and plaques with their names on them!"

Jadeite's eyes scanned the bowling alley. There were dozens, no, hundreds of trophies with the Shitennous' names on them. There was a giant statue in the back of all three of them plus Mamoru. Jadeite went over to the wall of plaques. He read one.

"1982 Team Bowling Champions: Kunzite, Zoisite, Nephrite, and Mamoru who wasn't even evil back then."

Jadeite gasped. "You guys have been a bowling team since the 80's...?"

"Ummm..." they all said fearfully.

"And... you never... invited...me!?" Jadeite sputtered.

"Ummmmmmmmmmmmm..."

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Jadeite began to sob. He fell to his knees and cried for hours. The whole bowling alley began to flood with tears. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" he wept, rolling on the floor with waterfalls of tears flying from his eyes.

"I told you this would happen if he ever found out," Kunzite said as they were all washed away by Jadeite's tears.

"WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WYH WYH!" Jadeite screamed, his sorrow turning into blind fury. He started punching the rack of trophies. Then he kicked over the bowling ball carrier rack. Bowling balls spilled everywhere. He tried to kick one of the bowling balls but broke his foot. He bounced all around in pain.

"OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWO!"

The staff had to spend hours attempting to drag him out, since he was so slippery from his tears.

Finally they got rid of him.

He teleported home.

"QUEEN BERYL!" he sobbed. "THE OTHER GUYS HAVE BEEN BOWLING, AND THEY DIDN'T INVITE ME TO THEIR TEAM!"

"Huh?" asked Beryl. "I've been too caught up with this show. I can't believe I didn't kill you for your failures, Crystal is so inaccurate!"

"QUEEN BERYL MAKE THEM PUT ME ON THEIR TEAM!"

"No," said Queen Beryl.

"WHy WHY WHY WHYWHYWHYWHWYH!" he started crying and flooding her throne room.

"STOP!" she cried. "I just got a new carpet put in!"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"Ok if you shut up, I'll give you some advice."

Jadeite shut up and reduced his sobs to a quiet whimpering. He sat down pretzel-legged on the floor.

"Alright, listen up, kiddo," instructed Beryl. "How about you join a different team."

"A different team?"

"Yep, join a new team, and then beat them. They'll either beg you to join them, or they'll quit bowling forever because they were defeated by someone they rejected."

"Wow Beryl that's brilliant!"

"Np!" she said. "Now go away, I need to see how epically I die!"

Jadeite scrammed.

* * *

Jadeite stood on a street corner with a sign. It read, "Will bowl for vengeance."

Days past and he got no customers. He was about to call it quits, when a horse drawn carriage pulled up.

"Hello," said the man inside. "I FEEL EVIL!"

"Grandpa?" Jadeite gasped.

"Yep, it is I, Rei's grandfather. Hop in!"

"YEEET!" Jadeite said gleefully.

"We are the Temple Turkey Tossers!" Grandpa explained. "And we're the worst bowling team around! But a spry young lad like you might be just what we needed to get to the championships!"

"Really?" Jadeite asked hopefully.

"Nah, we're just gonna cheat using your magic."

"Awesome!" Jadeite said.

"These are the other members, Rei and Chad (Yuuichiro)!"

"CHYAAAA BRAHHH!" said Chad thoughtfully. "Pound em!" he said putting his fists out.

Jadeite went to knuckle bump, but Chad turned his hands into high fives. "TURKEY!" yelled Chad.

"And that's why we're the turkey tossers!" Grandpa explained.

"Oh I thought you were the turkey tossers, like turkeys in bowling! Where you get three strikes in a row!" Jadeite told him.

"Three strikes?" gasped Grandpa. "We've never even gotten one strike!"

Rei sighed.

"Hey gurl!" began Jadeite.

Rei slugged him.

* * *

Round 1: Temple Turkey Tossers vs. The Snail Watching Club

Melvin was running to throw his ball. But Jadeite magically tied his shoe laces together. Melvin face planted and broke his glasses.

"NOOO!" cried Melvin. "I can't see! I can't bowl!"

He threw the bowling ball in the wrong direction and hit Hotaru. She died. He was disqualified.

Jadeite went to high five chad, but Chad turned his hand into a fist at the last second.

"TURKEY BRAHHH!"

* * *

Round 2: Temple Turkey Tossers vs. The Four Lights

Taiki was about to throw his ball. He pulled him arm back, and threw it perfectly down the middle.

"NOT IF I HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT!" yelled Rei. She set the whole lane ablaze. Taiki's ball melted.

"WAA!" yelled Taiki. "We'll never find our princess like this!"

* * *

Round 3: Temple Turkey Tossers vs. The Witches Four

Telululululululullu (the green one) went in for the kill. She threw the ball with all her might. It was about to be the final game winning strike.

But then Jadeite put a forcefield in front of the pins. The ball bounced back and hit Mimet. She died. Telulululululul went home and changed the sign to Witches 3. They didn't have enough members, despite arguments from Witch #5 who was kind of two people. They were disqualified.

* * *

Round 4: Temple Turkey Tossers vs. The Black Moon Baggers

Prince Diamond took his ball and sat in the corner.

"What's he doing?" Rei asked.

"I'm not sure," said Gramps.

Prince Diamond pulled out his third eye. "You will obey me!" he told the ball. "You will hit all ten pins!"

The ball nodded.

Prince Diamond sat his ball down to get a refreshment.

Chad tip-toed up. He drilled a hole in one of the ball's finger holes, and then stuck a stick of dynamite in. He lit the dynamite. He ran back and leaped behind the table his team was sitting at.

Prince Diamond picked the ball up again. Right before it left his hand to throw, it exploded.

He was knocked unconscious.

Wiseman tagged in as a substitute.

Wiseman sat his crystal ball down and started polishing a bowling ball.

But Chad took his attention away. "SHYAAA YAA BRAH. THAT CAPE IS RAAAAD!"

"Gee thanks," said Wiseman.

While he was distracted, Jadeite magically swapped the bowling ball with the crystal ball.

Wiseman, thinking the crystal ball was his bowling ball, threw it down.

It cracked and shattered. Wiseman faded to dust. His team was disqualified.

* * *

Round 5, The Semi-Final: Temple Turkey Tossers vs. Pegasus and the Pin Pushers

Chibi-usa threw another perfect strike, using Luna P as her bowling ball.

"HOW IS SHE DOING THAT?!" Rei cried.

"It's simple," scoffed Pegasus. "If she dreams it, she can do it!"

"Gee that's really inspirational," said Jadeite honestly.

"Not really, I'm just cheating and using dream magic," Pegasus laughed.

"Grrr, those pesky cheaters!" growled Gramps. "Quick Jadeite, do something to cheat!"

"I'm thinking, I'm thinking!" Jadeite cried. He was at a loss.

Then Jadeite got an idea.

"Pegasus," he began.

"Yes?"

"Can I ride you?"

"Umm, gee, I only really let little girls do that..." Pegasus told him.

Jadeite pulled over his parole officer.

"Helios me boy," said the parole officer. "You can't keep doing this, come on! If you don't want me to press charges, I suggest you prove that you don't have a preference for little girls. Let this man ride you."

"D'awww, okay," agreed Pegasus. Jadeite hopped on his back.

"WEEEEEEE!" cried Jadeite as Pegasus flew around. "WOOOOOO!"

"Remember the plan!" yelled Rei.

"Oh yeah right," Jadeite remembered. When Pegasus wasn't paying attention, Jadeite snatched his horn AKA the golden crystal.

"NOOOOO!" cried Pegasus. He faded from existence.

"AWWWW YEAAAH, WE GO ON TO THE FINALE!" exclaimed Gramps. "That was all me," he told them. "Your welcome."

"Whatever you say old man!" laughed Jadeite evilly. "Now, I can take out my greatest foes, once and for all!"

* * *

Round 6, The Grand Finale: Temple Turkey Tossers vs. The Striketennou

"HEY GUYS IT's ME!" Jadeite smack talked.

"What's he doing here?" Nephrite asked. "Came to cry more?"

"Nope, the only one crying today will be YOUUUUUUU! ALL OF YOOUUUUU!"

"That's more than one person," corrected Evil Endymion.

"Suck it Mamoru!" yelled Jadeite. "Now it's time to TAKE OUT THE TRASSSSSH!"

Zoisite waxed his ball and got ready to throw. "Here goes nothing!" He threw the ball, but it instantly flew up and out through the ceiling.

"HAHAH!" laughed Jadeite. "Revenge is sweet!"

"Jadeite, are you cheating?" asked Kunzite.

"No!" denied Jadeite as energy flowed out of his hands in the direction of the ball.

"Whelp your turn!" urged Nephrite.

"My... turn?" Jadeite asked in shock. He was so used to eliminating the competition before his turn came that he had never actually thrown a ball.

Jadeite nervously threw a bowling ball. It went straight into the gutter. "WOW ZOISITE, THAT'S A SAD WAY TO GET REVENGE!" Jadeite barked.

"?" said Zoisite. "I didn't do anything. I think you're just bad, kid."

"NO WAY! I'LL SHOW YOU ALL!" Jadeite threw his second ball. It didn't even hit the lane before going straight into the gutter. "WHERE ARE MY BUMPERS!?" he demanded.

The Striketennou all laughed at him.

Next it was Nephrite's turn to bowl. "Everything is ruled by the stars," he said as he focused on where to aim.

"THE STARS SUCK!" yelled Rei.

Nephrite was so thrown off that he threw the ball straight into the gutter.

Chad took his turn. "CHYAA YAA BRAAAAH!" he called, going to throw the ball. But his thumb was stuck in the hole. "Huh?" he said shaking the ball. But it was no use. He shook it as hard as he could but the ball wouldn't come off. Suddenly, the bowling ball went flying, with him still connected to it. He smashed face first into the ground and slid down the lane. But then he went in the gutter and got a zero for his turn.

"LOOOOOLL!" laughed Nephrite, holding a bottle of glue.

Next Kunzite took his turn. He never even touched the ball, he just levitated it towards the pins.

"HEY REF ARE YOU SEEING THIS?!" screamed Grandpa.

"Huh?" said the ref, who was fast asleep.

"Darn, someone stop him!" Gramps cried.

Rei shot the ball with fire. But the fire was reflected by a forcefield.

Rei tried again, this time shooting Kunzite in the hands.

"SON OF BERYL!" he yelled. The ball dropped and made a crater in the bowling lane. "WHAT IS THIS, AUSTRaLIAN RULES!?"

Rei chortled while Kunzite iced his hands.

Rei took her ball and headed towards the lane to throw it. But before she could make her throw, Zoisite got her in the head with a crystal.

"U GONA SHOOT MY MAN, WOMAN!?" Zoisite called in anger.

Rei climbed to her feet and chucked the ball at Zoisite, sending him flying back.

"PENALTY!" cried Zoisite.

"Huh?" said the ref, still asleep.

"Well that was your first turn," said Kunzite, still wounded.

"Well here's my second!" yelled Rei, chucking the ball at Kunzite.

He caught it. "LOL NICE TRY!" he mocked.

Rei shot him with fire. He shot back with an energy blast. Rei tackled him down and they started slugging it out.

Gramps quickly threw his ball, hoping to get a pin. Mamoru extended his cane like a pool cue and knocked it away. Gramps charged Mamoru. Mamoru teleported and rapid punched Grandpa.

Chad ran into the battle. "I'll save you G-PA!" he cried, getting Mamoru in a full nelson. He threw himself backwards onto the ground, pulling Mamoru down with him. Gramps leaped up and did a pile driver on Mamoru.

"URGH!" yelled Mamoru.

Zoisite ran in and kicked Mamoru.

"WTF!?" cried Mamoru.

"Whoops wrong person," Zoisite giggled.

Jadeite ran up and slugged Zoisite. Zoisite shot him in the eyes with petals. Nephrite slugged Jadeite while he was blinded. But Jadeite got his wits together fast. He summoned a plane and chased Nephrite and Zoisite away.

But then Rei shot one of her voodoo papers on Nephrite and Zoisite and they were frozen in place as the plane approached them.

Mamoru threw a black rose, and it stopped the plane.

"NOT COOL MAN, NOT COOL!" Jadeite yelled, stomping his foot.

He and Mamoru flew up into the air and spun around in a circle as lightning flashed around them. But then Jadeite got the edge and tackled Mamoru in a single frame.

"NOOOO!" yelled Mamoru at both the fact he was being tackled as well as the bad animation quality. He fell into a lake and a black rose floated to the top. It turned red.

"WHAT DOES THIS MEAN!?" demanded Jadeite.

Then it turned white.

"?" Jadeite sobbed with frustration.

Meanwhile, Rei fired a Mars Flame Sniper at Kunzite. He absorbed it in a dark energy bubble and fired it back at her.

"SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT!" yelled Mars, running.

"I'll save YAHHHHH BRAAAAAAH!" yelled Chad, leaping in the way and taking the hit.

"Oh no, Chad."

"SHYAA I DID IT FOR YOUUU BRAHHHH!"

Jadeite launched another plane, this time at Rei.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING JADEITE?!" Rei cried.

"Oh my bad. Force of habit," he said, withdrawing the plane.

Nephrite ran up and drop kicked Gramps. Gramps got a hold of his foot and starting swinging him around by the leg. He threw him like a rag doll into the bowling ball rack. 20 bowling balls fell on his head consecutively until he was knocked out.

"HAHHAHAHA I FEEL EVIL!" laughed Gramps, about to throw another bowling ball towards the pins.

"Not so fast old man!" yelled Zoisite, pulling out that black crystal thing and stealing Grandpa's rainbow crystal.

Grandpa fell to the floor in pain. "GAAAHHH!" he cried as his crystal was slowly removed.

There was a commercial break.

When it ended, Gramps' crystal was still being pulled out. Finally it came out.

"I FEEL EVIL!" Gramps shouted, turning into a cross-eyed lobster thing.

"LOLOOOOOLLOLOLOL!" chortled Zoisite.

But suddenly the cross-eyed lobster back handed Zoisite and he was sent flying.

"WTF!"

Kunzite ran up and sucker punched it, but it had no effect.

"YOU GO GRANDPA!" applauded Rei.

It turned around and attacked Rei.

"HAHAHAHA!" laughed Zoisite, who was laying against the wall injured.

The lobster went over and kicked him.

"HAHAHAHAH!" laughed Rei.

The lobster went back for her.

Suddenly, there was a sound. It was the sound of a pin dropping. A bowling pin.

Everyone froze. They turned around slowly.

What they all saw was Jadeite, standing at the front of the lane, holding his hand up as though he had just thrown a bowling ball.

"I... I did it!" he began to cry with joy. "I HIT A PIN! I HIT A SINGLE PIN!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried the Striketennou. They faded from existence.

"WE WON!" cried Grandpa. "WE GOT A SINGLE POINT!"

"YOU MEAN, I WON!" yelled Jadeite, grabbing the trophy and fleeing.

"GET BACK HERE!" the Turkey Tossers cried. They started chasing him down the street.

He ran all the way to the North Pole.

He ran into the throne room.

"BERYL BERYL BERYL! I DID IT!" he cried, still running.

"DON'T RUN FROM ME!" screamed Beryl, shooting him down. He died. The Turkey Tossers pryed the trophy from his cold dead hands. Beryl shot them down too and grabbed the trophy. She put it on her empty trophy rack.

"Wait why did I shoot Jadeite? He would have just given it to me probably. I guess just force of habit; I always think when he runs that he's running from me. Oh well. Back to watching Crystal, here comes my death scene!"

*Crystal Beryl gets her necklace torn off and dies*

"WHAT?!" demanded Beryl. "WHHHHAAAAAAAT!?" she raged. "THAT WAS BULLSHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!"

FIN


	59. The Shitennou Get Funded

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Shut it Jadeite and listen up!" cried Beryl. "AND WHERE ARE THE OTHER SHITENNOU!?"

"Gee I don't know Beryl, I sent them all a text, but I think most of them blocked my number."

Suddenly Kunzite walked in. "Jadeite I came as soon as you texted."

"Wow Kunzite you didn't block me?!"

"Nope you're my good pal."

Jadeite gasped, tears forming in his eyes.

"Where are the other two?" barked Beryl.

"Gee I don't know-" began Jadeite but Beryl cut him off and warped them in.

"AHHH!" cried Nephrite. He was nude and wet with a bath cap on.

"WAAAA!" cried Zoisite. He was in a fancy pink dress with a blonde wig.

"What is the meaning of this?" demanded Beryl.

"You could have called first!" complained Nephrite, trying to cover himself.

Queen Beryl waved her hand and the Shitennou uniforms appeared on them.

"I did call you!" replied Jadeite.

"I don't think so," said Zoisite. "The only text I got was from someone saved in my phone under the name Shitface."

Jadeite frowned.

"So what exactly were you doing?" Kunzite asked Zoisite suspiciously.

"What, don't you all sometimes want to see what you look like in a dress?" Zoisite asked.

Everyone shook their heads slowly.

"Well suit yourselves then. Maybe you just wouldn't have looked as good."

"ANYWAY," said Beryl. "We have to clean this slop hole up!"

"Why?" Kunzite asked.

"Because our SPONSORS are doing their yearly check! You all need to be on your BEST behaviors! No incompetency today!"

"I can only promise to try," said Jadeite.

"It'll be easy," said Nephrite. "When have we ever let you down, Queen Beryl?"

Queen Beryl began to sweat.

"Don't worry," said Kunzite. "I've been saving up all my competency for a moment like this!"

"Why do we care what the sponsors think?" asked Zoisite.

"You don't understand!" cried Beryl. "They're the ones supplying us all our money!"

"You mean the money we used to buy that ping pong table?"

"YES!" Beryl exclaimed.

"Shit!" cried Zoisite. "We need that Donkey Kong machine we've been saving for!"

"EXACTLY!"

Evil Mamoru walked in. "Hey guys, what's up? Time for some daily sabotage?"

Beryl ran up and shoved Mamoru into the closet, locking it with a chain lock. "We can't let him be seen! Not today! They'll ask too many questions!"

"What do you mean, Beryl?" Jadeite asked. "It's not like we used a ton of our funds on his brainwashing!"

"Heh heh," said Beryl, drowned in sweat.

There was a knock on the door.

"THEY'RE HERE!" cried Beryl.

Everyone started to run around frantically, waving their arms and screaming.

The sponsors stood outside the door, with confused expressions, as they heard yelling from inside.

"SHUT UP! EVERYONE CALM DOWN!" yelled Beryl.

"I AM CALM!" yelled Nephrite, rolling on the floor.

"AUUUUUUUU!" yelled Jadeite, pouring hot coffee on himself.

"Get your paws off me!" yelled Kunzite.

There was a collection of loud crashing and banging sounds. Glass shattered.

The sponsors looked at each other.

Finally after two minutes of silence Beryl opened the door.

"Hello, boys!" said Queen Beryl, dabbing her head with a hankerchief. "Please, come in."

She lead them through the throne room while they followed her, looking around and typing on their laptops.

"Pretty swell place you got here, Beryl!" said Kwame, one of the health inspectors.

"THANK YOU!" yelled Beryl. She hopped on her throne.

"Shitennou, present yourselves!"

All four Shitennou appeared in a straight line.

Jadeite took a bow.

"I am Jadeite, of the Dump Kingdom. SHIT!" he cried. He started to panic. "I mean, umm, Dork Kingdom! No, that's not right! Noooo I'm screwing everything up! STUPID!" he yelled at himself. "STUPID!" He fell on the floor and started to cry.

"Hurng durg," slurred Nephrite, belching. "I'm... Zoisite! The gayest of all Shitennou!"

"WHAT?!" yelled Zoisite, slugging him.

Nephrite kicked Zoisite in the shin, and then smashed a wine bottle on his head.

Zoisite stabbed him with a crystal and he fell to the ground.

"And I am Lord Kunzite, of the Dark Kingdom," said Kunzite, bowing.

The sponsors stared at them with blank faces for a couple seconds. Then they started typing on their computers.

Queen Beryl started panicking. "Nephrite," she whispered while the sponsors weren't looking. "Why. Are. You. Drunk."

"You told me to calm down!" he slurred. "This is how I calm myself. I'm beginning to think I have a problem, my Queen."

"Just keep it together man!" she cried.

"So these are your four greatest warriors, that I've heard so much about?" one of the sponsors, named Morton, asked,

"Heh heh," said Beryl. "They're just joking around, right guys?" she said nudging them hardly.

"Yes!" said Jadeite. "HAHAHAHA!"

"Hrunruh," slurred Nephrite.

"Yep!" said Zoisite. "Tee hee!"

"No my Queen, we would never fool around," said Kunzite, bowing again.

Queen Beryl face-palmed.

"Anyway," said Beryl, "How about I show you our cafeteria?"

"Ummm, ok?" said the sponsors.

"Here in the Nega Cafeteria, we serve only the finest dishes."

Beryl tried to urge the sponsors into the next room, but they went back into the kitchen.

They watched in disbelief as the cooking Youmas reached into a dumpster and put trash on plates.

"Do you want some?" one of them asked.

"Uh, I'll pass," said Kwame. The others started typing on their computers.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" cried Beryl to the Youmas.

"But Queen! This is what you always tell us to serve! You said feed the Shitennous garbage because they are garbage! We have nice food in the fridge, so making us feed them garbage is cruel!"

"Jadeite," Queen Beryl said slowly. "Take these Youmas out back and *deal* with them."

"Yes Queen," Jadeite said solemnly, as he dragged the Youma outside while they begged for mercy.

The sponsors looked at Beryl, who desperately looked away. They all listened to the subsequent shouts and cries of pain.

Twenty minutes later, the Youmas walked back in unscathed. Jadeite crawled back in on a stretcher.

"Gosh Beryl I did my best," he said. "They were just too tough! They made me eat garbage!"

"Onto the next room! HEH HEH!" said Beryl, losing it.

"Umm, Beryl," Nephrite said nervously. "We don't have another room."

"WHAT!?" cried Beryl. "How are we a kingdom when we only have like two rooms?!"

The sponsors continued typing on their keyboards. One of them went into the kitchen cabinet labeled "Shitennou snacks." It was full of dog food.

"We have to get them out of here!" shouted Beryl.

"We can take them to our castle, and say it's yours, my Queen," offered Kunzite.

"Your castle is garbage!" snapped Beryl.

Kunzite frowned.

The sponsors approached a huge vault labeled "Energy Stash."

"Uh oh," said Beryl. "Quick, cause a diversion, Jadeite!"

"Umm, ummm, ummm, ummmmm!"

Jadeite ran in front of the vault and threw himself down. "HEEEEELP I'M DYING!"

The sponsors stepped over him and opened the vault. It was full of cobwebs.

An old man who claimed to be Rei's grandfather crawled out. "I've... been trapped in there... for 1000 years! They didn't even have enough energy to open the door!"

The sponsors typed rapidly.

"So, your Shitennou. What exactly do they do? According to my calculations, they seem more of a liability than a asset," said Morton.

"Uhh, they don't do much," said Beryl. "Ya know, typical housework, moral support, the like."

"At one point, you described them as your chief energy suppliers."

"Yes, at one point..." Beryl sputtered. "But you see, times have changed and-"

"Come on!" encouraged the sponsors. "Let's see them in action! Let's see them take some energy!"

"Uhhh, Beryl?" said Kunzite nervously. "Maybe that's not the best idea..."

"What are you talking about?" said Beryl in a struggled voice. "Of course you can get energy! Jadeite, earlier you told me you had a new source of energy! What was it?"

"Oh boy, I'm glad you asked!" said Jadeite. "You see, the humans have this thing called-"

"Perfect!" exclaimed Beryl. "Let's go!"

Everyone teleported to the human world.

"First let's watch Jadeite," said Beryl, figuring that if she started with the weakest link, they would forget about his failures by the end. "He said he'll be taking energy from toddlers at a day care! He can't possibly fail!"

Beryl and the sponsors watched on the crystal ball as Jadeite appeared at the day care.

"You know what?" Jadeite said, looking at the camera they had on him. "This is too easy. I do way harder tasks then this!"

"Stick to toddlers!" yelled Beryl, but he couldn't hear her.

Jadeite appeared at the pro wrestling match. "I'm going to steal energy from these pro wrestlers!"

"Ohhhhh nooooo," said Beryl. "ohhhhh nooooooooooooo! I mean, things are looking bad, but I'm sure with his magical powers, there's no way he can lose!"

"Hey tough guys!" yelled Jadeite at the arena. "How about I take you all on at once, so I at least have to use both hands!"

"What are you, a wise guy?" said one of the really buff wrestlers. "Get in here!"

Jadeite leaped into the ring. "Alright, who's my first victim?"

Someone hit Jadeite over the head with a chair.

"YOUCH!" yelled Jadeite. He crawled to his feet. "I was just warming up."

A big wrestler got him in a choke hold.

"CAN'T BREATHE!" cried Jadeite.

The next one got him in a full nelson, while another one punched him in the gut.

"UGH!" cried Jadeite.

He tried to fly away, but they got him by the foot and pulled him back in. They started pummeling him.

Queen Beryl changed the channel on the ball as the sponsors went back to typing. "He'll be alright," she told them. "Meanwhile, here's one of my best members, Nephrite!"

Nephrite was in his room, completely wasted. "I HATE MY LIFE!" he slurred, throwing up. "If I killed myself RIGHT NOW, I don't think anyone would care!" He downed another bottle of liquor. Then he looked in the mirror and cried. "I HATE YOU!" he slurred, punching the mirror. He got glass in his hand and started crying on the floor.

"Why, world? WHY!?" he demanded, pounding the floor for an answer. There was none.

Beryl changed the channel. "Zoisite won't let me down!" she prayed.

"Oh hi guys!" said Zoisite realizing he was being watched. "Today I'm stealing a rainbow crystal from my good pal Motoki, who works at Crown Arcade. Since he is a normal civilian, it will be an easy snatch!"

Zoisite marched into Crown Arcade, ready for a scrap. He looked around. Then he went to the front desk.

"Excuse me, is Motoki in today?"

"Nope," said Motoki's sister. "He has the day off."

"Shit," said Zoisite. "Hey listen. It's important that I steal his rainbow crystal TODAY, so can you point me to where he is?"

"No way, that's my brother!" she cried.

"Well, if you don't give me your brother's location, I'll kill you!"

Motoki's sister stood up menacingly.

"Oh, I'm shaking!" mocked Zoisite.

Motoki's sister picked him up and threw him into the Sailor V arcade game. He crashed through the screen.

"Owww I got a piece of glass in my hand!" he cried, fleeing.

"I was just getting warmed up!" he vowed, pulling out a phone book. He called someone with the name Motoki.

"Hi, are you the guy that works at Crown Arcade?" Zoisite asked.

"No."

"Hmm, I bet your sister warned you not to reveal your identity! I'm coming over!"

Zoisite appeared in his house.

Some random guy in his underwear looked up in shock.

"Oh my, I'm sorry," said Zoisite leaving.

"This plan isn't working," he said sadly. "Ooo, I know, I can use this machine we bought with the sponsor's money that puts me on the TV screen of anyone who's name we know!"

"Motoki of the Arcade!" Zoisite commanded.

He appeared on Motoki's TV screen.

"Hey there!" said Motoki with a friendly smile.

"Where are you!?" demanded Zoisite.

"I'm at 123 Calamazoo Way!"

"Alright, here I come!" said Zoisite.

He warped there, but it was the middle of Africa. A giant lion came up and grabbed him with its big meaty claw. He started gnawing on his head.

"It's been one of those days," sighed Zoisite as he died.

Beryl changed the channel.

"He looked like he was dying," commented Kwame as he typed.

"No," reassured Beryl. "Now this is my top Shitennou, Kunzite. He won't fail!"

Kunzite stood in the middle of a populated street.

"Hello," he said to a group of girls. "Are you of the female species?"

"Yes..." they said slowly.

"I see. Are any of you by chance the Moon Princess?"

"The what?" they asked.

"Oh, my apologies," said Kunzite, teleporting two feet away.

"Are you the moon princess?"

"I'm a man."

"My apologies."

"Are you the moon princess?"

"Yes!" said a three year old little girl. "I am princess!"

"A HA!" cried Kunzite. "GOTCHA!" he yelled, swiping the three year old and teleporting back to Queen Beryl.

"I GOT HER!" he exclaimed. "I GOT THE MOON PRINCSS!"

"Kunzite," said Beryl angrily. "How old do you think that girl is?

"Umm... three?"

"And how old do you think the moon princess is?"

"Frankly, Queen Beryl, she could be any age."

"Get out of my lair," barked Queen Beryl.

"But Queen!"

"GET!" she cried.

Kunzite walked away. "Come on Princess Serenity," he said to the little girl. "Let's go."

There was a low rattling. The sponsors looked up confused.

"oh no" said Beryl. "OH NO. OOOOHHH N OO!"

There was a loud smashing sound, and suddenly the closet door burst open.

"IT IS I, NO LONGER HYPNOTISED MAMORU!"

"GET BACK IN THERE!" screeched Beryl.

"LLOLOOLOLOLOL!" he trolled, stripping down to his underwear. "TROLLOOLLOLOLOLOL!"

He pulled out his stick and started beating up the sponsors.

Queen Beryl charged him, but he threw a rose and it pierced her heart. She disintegrated.

"STAHHHHHHHP!" cried Morton, before getting whacked on the head. He passed out.

Beryl finally reformed and tried to restrain Mamoru.

Mamoru killed her again and then pulverized Kwame.

The third sponsor made a wild dash out the door.

Queen Beryl reformed yet again and teleported in front of the third sponsor.

"Heh heh, sorry," she apologized. "That guy is kind of a wild card."

"Hmph," said the third sponsor.

"Say, how much are you going to lower our budget for this fiasco?" Beryl wondered nervously.

"Not much," said the sponsor.

"Really?" Beryl asked hopefully.

"No. You won't get a dime from us."

"Drats," sat Beryl. "Now I'll have to eat garbage too!"

FIN


	60. Why Is Jadeite Being So Nice?

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Ye?" urged Queen Beryl.

"Umm... I'll be right back," said Jadeite, teleporting away to find a new source of energy.

He appeared on a random street.

"Hmm," he said as he walked. "Can I steal energy from... fire hydrants? Maybe not. How about that tree? Quite possibly, but I'll try to find a better source. If I can't, I'll come back to that."

Just then, he noticed a cat in the middle of the street. She was black and had a crescent moon on her forehead.

"Hey isn't that Sailor Moon's cat?" Jadeite thought. "Oh no little kitty, look out! A car's coming!"

"What?" asked Luna. "Hey, you're that asshole from the Negaverse!"

"Get out of the way kitty!" Jadeite cried.

But the cat didn't listen.

Right before a car hit her, Jadeite leaped in the way and took the blow.

"Oof," he cried. "Why didn't I just grab the cat and jump out of the way?"

"Beats me," said Luna, clawing Jadeite on the face and leaving without a thank you.

"Hmph," grumbled Jadeite to himself. "Why am I being so nice?"

Jadeite climbed to his feet and continued his hunt.

"I can steal energy from those homeless people!"

He approached the homeless people with an overcoat and shades on.

"Hello, people of the gutter," he began. "Mind giving me some of that tasty energy? MWAHAHAHAHA!" he laughed about to steal their energy.

"Spare some change, suspicious crazy man?" a homeless guy asked.

"Well gee, I sure have enough to go around." Jadeite reached in his pocket to pull out some change.

"Wait a minute," he said stopping himself. "I'm evil! What am I doing?"

He gazed into the sad homeless man's eyes. "D'aww I can't resist. Here ya go, bum," he said, giving the homeless man his credit card. "Buy all the booze you want!"

Jadeite wrote out checks for a hundred dollars and passed them out to all the homeless people on the street.

After he walked away, he stopped in tracks. "Why am I being so nice?"

Jadeite ran away because the homeless were cheering for him and the mayor offered him a medal. When he was safely on the other side of town, he continued his hunt.

"HAhaha, I'll steal energy from this little old lady! That will prove how evil I am!"

The old lady turned to him. "Hey sonny, mind helping me cross this street?"

"Well shucks," said Jadeite. "I really have somewhere to go..."

"Please, it will only take a second," begged the lady.

"D'aww, I'll help you!"

Jadeite walked the lady across the street. Twenty minutes later they reached the other side.

"Alright ya old bag, now Ima snatch your energy!" Jadeite announced.

"Oh, would you mind walking me to my car? I parked far away and I don't think I can make it on my own," the old lady told him.

"D'aww," sighed Jadeite.

"Also can you carry my groceries?"

"Of course," Jadeite said kindly.

They got to her car, and Jadeite loaded the groceries.

"Well cya!" said Jadeite, completely forgetting about the energy.

"Would you mind coming and meeting my grandchildren with me? I want to introduce them to the kind young lad who has done so many good deeds for me."

"I don't know," said Jadeite. "You see I kind of work for this evil empire and I'm supposed to be taking over the world-"

"Don't worry sonny, you can do that tomorrow!" insisted the lady. "Now get in my car."

She pushed him in the car.

"Hey hey no shoving," whined Jadeite.

The lady drove down the street. "Whelp, this is my son's house!"

Jadeite hopped out of the car. He opened the door for her.

They went inside.

"Hi grandkids!" said the lady happily. "Meet this kind young stranger. He's very nice!"

The kids hugged Jadeite.

He flinched. "Umm, oops I have to go," he said, making a dash towards the door.

"But today's Sloppy Joe Tuesday!"

Jadeite froze in mid-air. He turned around and sat down at the table. "I mean I don't see how a few Sloppy Joes could hurt..."

* * *

-3 hours into the meal-

"Man," said the old lady's son. "That roof is leaking again."

"Aww, looks like we'll have to go eat in the other room," the old lady said sadly.

"No no, I'll fix it!" volunteered Jadeite.

"Are you sure?" the lady asked. "It's raining pretty hard outside, and you've already done so much!"

"Nah, it's nothing," he said.

"Why am I being so nice?" he thought to himself as he climbed up on the roof.

* * *

Jadeite hammered another nail into the plank he was putting on the hole. He was wearing a pancho, but was still getting soaked by the rain.

"Phew, I'll just take a little breather here," he decided, leaning back against the lightning rod.

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Jadeite got hit by lightning. "YOUCH!" he yelled. He stumbled backwards.

"I wonder if that kind young lassie is doing alright," the old lady thought with concern from inside.

Meanwhile, through the window, Jadeite could be seen slipping and falling off the roof, crashing painfully to the ground and into the bushes.

He got up, dazed. He went to go back on the roof, but then he saw another bolt of lightning hit a building.

"OH NO, the orphan church is about to collapse!"

Jadeite ran as fast as he could over to the orphan church.

There was a crowd gathered outside. Jadeite pushed them aside and ran into the orphan church yelling "LET ME IN!"

"He's so brave!" applauded Usagi who was standing outside and not using her powers to save the kids.

Jadeite ran to the top floor where all the orphans were crying.

He grabbed them all in a bear hug and leaped backwards out the window.

He missed the trampoline by a couple of inches and smashed into the ground. But luckily his body cushioned the fall for the kids. They all ran off happily into the sunset and got adopted.

"There's still two kids in there!" someone cried.

Jadeite sighed and ran back in. By now, the fire was already consuming most of the building.

He spotted the two kids cowering in the back corner.

He ran to get them. "Let's go!" he cried.

One of the walls suddenly collapsed and a huge chunk of ceiling fell down right at them. Jadeite lifted his hands and held it up just inches before it killed the kids. "GO!" he yelled at the kids.

The two kids crawled out of the building to safety as Jadeite struggled to hold up the ceiling beam.

"Why am I being so nice?" groaned Jadeite.

He lost his grip of the beam and it collapsed on him. He was barely able to teleport away.

He appeared at Beryl's lair.

"Omg Beryl, I had a crazy day!"

"Jadeite, I think I'm going to kill you."

"Beryl, have I ever told you how lovely you are?" asked Jadeite.

"Why no, you haven't! Ok, time to die!"

"Wait!" cried Jadeite. "Did I tell you I saved a bunch of people today? I'm a hero!"

"You're a WHAT?!" demanded Beryl. "Jadeite, we're evil!"

"Oh yeah," said Jadeite. "Then, why am I being so nice?!"

Queen Beryl sighed and shook her head. "I'll let you slide this time. Go to your room and think about what you did. But one more outburst like that and you're outta here!"

Jadeite skipped back to his room, happy to live another day.

Beryl scratched her head after he left. "Why am I being so nice?"

FIN


	61. Nephrite Gets His Identity Stolen

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Okay Jadeite, tell it to me so I can give you a promotion!" encouraged Queen Beryl.

"Gee thanks! Okay, so the humans have this thing called-"

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Nephrite running into the room. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Okay Nephrite, tell it to me so I can give you a promotion!"

"WTF!" said Jadeite. "I was here first, pal!"

"First is worst, second is best!" taunted Nephrite.

"DOH!" shouted Jadeite. "What is this, Australian rules?!"

"Ye."

"Well shucks."

"Ye."

"You win this round, Nephrite!" Jadeite said defeated.

"Queen Beryl we found a new source of energy!" shouted Kunzite and Zoisite appearing out of nowhere.

"GET LOST AND STOP STEALING MY THUNDER!" Nephrite barked.

"Ok we'll just steal your lightning."

"NUUUUU!" Nephrite cried.

"So anyway Beryl," began Zoisite. "We found that the humans like figure skat-"

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Nephrite cried louder. "I FOUND THAT THE HUMANS LIKE TO EAT SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!"

"Very well, Nephrite wins," Beryl declared.

"D'awww," said everyone else.

"Aww yeah, Ima take this new promotion and buy a year's supply of store brand cheese doodles!" Nephrite said giddily, skipping out the door triumphantly.

Two seconds later, Nephrite came back in. But something was off about him.

"Did you forget something?" Queen Beryl asked.

"Huh?" Nephrite asked. "Where am I? Is this the South Pole?"

"No… this is the North Pole…" Beryl said slowly.

"Hahaha did you let the door hit you in the head on the way out?" laughed Zoisite.

"And just who are you, kind young lady?" Nephrite asked.

"YOU WANNA SCRAP?!"

"No thank you. I wouldn't want to hurt anyone," Nephrite replied. "I'm a pacifist."

Zoisite slugged him. "WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH NEPHRITE?!"

"Wait, you thought I was that guy?" said the mysterious stranger who seemed to look like Nephrite.

"You're mistaken, I'm Nephrite's twin brother, Nephrake!"

"Ha, yeah right!" said Jadeite. "If you aren't Nephrite, then you must not know my birthday! Tell me my birthday!"

"Huh?" said Nephrake.

"Don't play dumb with my Nephrite. We all know you know my birthday!"

Nephrake was befuddled.

"Of all the lame excuses you've come up with to not do work, I must say, this is the worst one yet," Beryl barked. "Now go steal some energy!"

"Come again?" asked Nephrake.

"STEAL ENERGY RIGHT NOW OR I'LL KILL YOU!"

"Uh oh!" Nephrake gasped. "What do I do? If I steal energy I break my vow of pacifism! But if I don't, this random lady will kill me!"

"…"

"…."

"….."

Finally Nephrake decided he had to do whatever he could to survive. He warped off to start stealing energy.

Suddenly Nephrite entered the room.

"Hey guys! I just got a TON of energy!" he called entering the room.

"WHAT DID I JUST TELL YOU NEPHRITE!" screamed Beryl shooting him with energy. "I TOLD YOU TO GET ENERGY OR I'LL KILL YOU! AND HERE YOU ARE!"

Nephrite flew back and dropped the energy. It floated away.

"Gosh darn it! What the heck was that for Beryl?!"

"LOL NOT SO FUNNY NOW IS IT!" laughed Zoisite.

Queen Beryl shot Zoisite.

"WAAAAA!"

"NOOOOOOOO!" yelled Kunzite

Suddenly Nephrake came running back in.

"OH I CAN'T DO IT!" he sobbed. "IT's JUST WRONG!"

"WHAT!?" gasped Jadeite. "There really were two of them?"

"No way," said Beryl. "I must have done too much crack again. Time to get rid of the double vision… by eliminating them both!"

"No, there's actually two of them," said Kunzite.

Beryl shot Kunzite dead.

"D'aww" said Jadeite. "At least I didn't get shot yet."

Queen Beryl took down Jadeite. But wait, he saw it coming! He teleported away and never came back.

Beryl realized she had to replace Jadeite.

"Hey double vision Nephrites, want to be Shitennou?"

"No thanks," said Nephrake. "I'm a pacifist!"

"Nephrite stop being dumb and join the team."

"I'm not Nephrite I'm Nephra-"

"YEEET WELCOME TO THE CLUB!" applauded Beryl.

* * *

The next day…

"Everything is ruled by the stars," said Nephrake.

Nephrite walked inside his observatory. "WTF ARE YOU DOING NEPHRAKE!? WHY ARE YOU IN MY HOUS!?"

"How else would I find a new source of energy?"

"Idk ask the dead beat Jadeite," Nephrite said shoving Nephrake towards the door. "He seems to be able to find new sources."

"Oh by the way," said Nephrake. "I just thought of something. What if we steal as much energy as we can from a group of people from just one person! It will work if they're at the peak of their energy!"

"Hey hey hey," barked Nephrite. "I see what you're doing here, and it's not gonna work, buster! What you just stated was a horrible plan!"

"So your plan's horrible too then?" asked Nephrake.

"Wait a second," said Nephrite. "You said you just came up with that."

Nephrake made a break for it.

Nephrite slammed the door after him and pad locked it. "Finally some peace."

"Dang, what are you going to do about that guy?" asked Zoisite who was sitting on his couch eating his popcorn.

"GET OOUUUUUUUUT!" screamed Nephrite.

He started firing star shaped projectiles at Zoisite. He fled.

* * *

Nephrake was taking shelter in the woods. He chopped up a squirrel and ate it because he realized he had to live off the land.

Then Nephrake gutted a squirrel and lived in it to keep warm.

Zoisite appeared in a tree nearby. He spotted Nephrake.

Zoisite threw fire at him but it missed and lit his campfire.

"OMG THANKS!" exclaimed Nephrake. "You just invented fire! Now I can cook my squirrel!"

"Umm… what?" said Zoisite.

"As a show of gratitude, come have a piece of squirrel liver!"

"No thank you," said Zoisite disturbed.

* * *

Nephrake and Nephrite appeared at the same time in Queen Beryl's throne room.

"Queen Beryl, the constellation Helios is pointing to a new target!" they both said in unison.

Nephrite turned in anger. Nephrake just shrugged.

"Very well," said Queen Beryl. "You're on the case."

"Wait, which one of us?" asked Nephrite.

"Hmmm," said Beryl. "Eenie meenie minie, JADEITE!"

"AWW YEAH!" said Jadeite. "I haven't had this much action in years. How do I take energy from one person tho?"

"GO GO GO!" screamed Beryl. Jadeite fled.

Nephrite and Nephrake grumbled. "Grrr, I'll still get that energy, because I found the target!"

* * *

Nephrite appeared near the target and stared at him for ten minutes with binoculars. "eZ snatch!" he said. "I'm not gonna let that Jadeite get all the glory!"

He went to make his move on the energy. But when he turned the corner, he spotted the last thing he wanted to see. Himself, AKA Nephrake his twin, taking all the guy's energy.

"HEY LEAVE SOME FOR ME!" cried Nephrite.

"No way!" said Nephrake. "All that squirrel protein put me ahead of you. This is my energy!" he said finishing off the victim.

"Hey I'll have you know I'm a higher rank than you!" Nephrite told Nephrake. "You take orders from me!"

"Make me, pops!" taunted Nephrake.

"POPS!?" cried Nephrite.

"That's right old man, you were born 3 minutes sooner ya geyser!" mocked Nephrake.

Nephrite charged blindly, but he was no match for Nephrake's teleportation.

Nephrite didn't see Nephrake warp away, so he kept running and ran straight into a wall.

"Ah, so that's it's done," said Jadeite watching from afar.

He too ran into the wall, and fell onto Nephrite. "Did I do it right?" asked Jadeite.

* * *

Nephrite was depressed. His twin was stealing all his glory.

He showed up at the bar. He sat down beside the Amazon Trio.

"I'll have the usual," he said to the bartender.

"Sorry sir, I won't serve you any more liquor until you pay your tab."

"WHAT TAB?!" howled Nephrite.

"You were just in here a couple minutes ago and you ran up a $1,000 tab."

"THAT WASN'T ME! THAT WAS MY TWIN BROTHER, NEPHRAKE!"

"Ha, yeah, good one. I also don't think you're sober enough to drive, so I'll need your keys."

"I had nothing to drink!" cried Nephrite.

"Yeah right, two minutes ago you couldn't even stand.

"NEPHRAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!" he yelled.

Nephrake stumbled down the street laughing. "LOOLOLOLOLLOLOLOL!"

* * *

Nephrite strolled up to his doorstep glumly. "It's been one of those days," he sighed.

When he pulled on the door handle, it didn't open.

"Huh? I thought I left this unlocked?"

He put the key in the slot. It didn't work.

"SOMEONE CHANGED THE LOCK!?" he shouted.

He ran up and looked through the window.

Inside was Nephrake partying with the other Shitennou and Queen Beryl. Nephrake had a squirrel pelt rug in the middle of his observatory.

Nephrite started banging on the window.

The only one who noticed him was Nephrake. He went over and shut the blinds.

Nephrite wasn't done yet. He climbed up on the roof and tried to climb down the chimney. But then he fell into fire that Nephrake had lit in the fire place.

"ME NEPHRAKE!" yelled Nephrake. "ME DISCOVER FIRE!"

He ate another squirrel raw while Nephrite teleported just before being burnt to a crisp.

After appearing far away due to his teleport, he realized he could just teleport inside.

He teleported inside.

"THIS PARTY IS OVER!" he shouted, breaking the stereo.

"D'aww," said Kunzite. "That was my jam playing."

Nephrite tackled Nephrake to the ground. He started slugging him repeatedly.

But Nephrake fought back and started slugging him with equal strength. They started rolling around slugging each other.

"Aren't we gonna break this up?" asked Jadeite.

"Nah nah," said Zoisite. "This is a dream come true."

"I bet 50 bucks on Nephrake," said Kunzite.

"You're on pal," said Beryl. "I bet 100 on the other one."

"Why are you just betting to disagree with me?" asked Kunzite.

"Because you SUUUUUUUUCK!"

After twenty minutes of scuffling, Beryl had enough.

She summoned a giant crystal above the scuffle. "NOBODY MOVE!" she yelled.

Everyone froze.

"I'm about to kill the Nephrite I bet against. Which one of you is the real Nephrite?!"

"I'm the real Nephrite!" yelled Nephrite.

"No I am!" cried Nephrake.

Queen Beryl looked back and forth between the two Nephrites, completely flustered.

"He's eating a squirrel right now!" exclaimed Nephrite, gesturing towards Nephrake who was eating a squirrel raw. "That can't be me!"

"I don't know, Queen Beryl," said Zoisite. "From my personal dealings with Nephrite, I can vouch that he did indeed eat squirrels often!"

"NO I DIDN'T!" yelled Nephrite.

"THERE HE IS, THE IMPOSTER!" cried Zoisite. "GET EMMMMM!"

"Alright," said Beryl.

"Wait!" said Jadeite. "If that Nephrite doesn't get along with Zoisite, maybe he's not the phony!"

"What are you talking about?" asked Nephrake. "I, Nephrake, love Zoisite! He's the best person ever! He taught me how to roast squirrel!"

Queen Beryl was still lost.

"I got it, let's ask them some questions!" decreed Jadeite.

"Alright, what's my birthday?"

Neither of them knew the answer.

"They're both phonies!" decided Jadeite. "Everyone knows Nephrite knows my birthday! KILL THEM BOTH!"

"Fair enough," said Beryl.

"NO NO NO STOP!" the Nephrite cried.

"I do know you're birthday!" exclaimed Nephrake.

"What is it?" asked Jadeite.

Nephrake consulted the stars. "Oh stars, which constellation was present in this hemisphere when Jadeite was born?"

"Jadeite is in fact a Cancer," the stars replied.

"Hey that's mean!" said Jadeite.

"No, you're a Cancer zodiac!" Nephrake explained. "So that's why I know your birthday is… June 24th!"

"No," said Jadeite. "YOU MUST DIE!"

"June 25th!" cried Nephrite.

"Crap!" said Jadeite. "He got it!"

"He just guessed based on my calculations!" objected Nephrake.

"No!" said Nephrite.

"NEPHRITE!" yelled Jadeite, hugging Nephrite. "I knew you cared!"

"GET OFF ME, FOOL!" yelled Nephrite, slugging Jadeite.

"Hey now!" exclaimed Nephrake. "How about we all just settle this over a game of cricket?"

Everyone turned and stared at Nephrake.

Nephrake made a break for it.

"YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ME!" He ate another raw squirrel and then extended his glinding wings and flew away like a flying squirrel.

"Dammit you guys scared away the real Nephrite that I betted on. That was cheap, even for you Kunzite," Queen Beryl scoffed.

"Lol can I have my Benjamin now?" asked Kunzite.

Beryl shot him dead. "I'd rather die than stay honest on my bet!"

"I wonder what happened to Nephrake…." Jadeite wondered.

* * *

"Hey, can I have another squirrel?" Nephrake asked Rei's grandpa.

"Of course!" he exclaimed, pulling a squirrel out of the bin and serving it to Nephrake. "I'm glad you came home, son."

DUN DUN DUN

FIN


	62. Queen Beryl Takes On Chuck E Cheese

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Jadeite, what are you doing later?" Queen Beryl asked.

"I'm thinking of obtaining a new source of energy. Hbu?"

"Hmm, I think I'm going to take the day off of staring at my ball and go get some fresh air. I'll go watch you do your work, since my ball's been kind of boring lately."

"Uh oh," said Jadeite.

"What was that, Jadeite?"

"I meant, yaaaaay" he said in a dull voice.

* * *

Jadeite was ready to walk around in his overcoat. He tilted his cap and put on shades.

"Hmm, I don't see Beryl yet. Maybe she forgot!"

"Hey, it's me!" Beryl whispered beside him.

"WAA!" he cried. "Don't startle me like that!"

Beryl was disguised as a mail box. "So, what are we sneakin' around for? Why are we incognito?"

"Well, if we're going to find a new source of energy, we can't have people being onto us!"

"Ahh yes yes!" Beryl agreed. "Wait but why can't you just dress up like a normal human? Isn't dressing like a shady man in an overcoat drawing more attention to yourself?"

"Pls Queen Beryl," scoffed Jadeite. "I've been at this way longer than you have."

Beryl snarled.

As they walked down the street, they ran into the Sailor Scouts.

"QUICK HIDE!" cried Jadeite.

"What are you doing Jadeite, fight them!" Beryl exclaimed.

"In a 5v1? LOL, no way!" laughed Jadeite.

"Jadeite you're a disappointment," said Beryl.

"Hey I don't need this," said Jadeite. "Here, I can take on that random civilian in a green jacket and light purple pants. I'll take his energy easy!"

"Let's tussle!" yelled Jadeite at the random human.

He threw a wild punch.

Mamoru caught it.

"Oh shit, you're that Mamoru?" Jadeite in shock.

Mamoru turned into Tuxedo Mask.

"WOAH BERYL DID YOU SEE THAT?!" Jadeite exclaimed. "WE GOT HIS IDENTITY!"

"Huh?" said Queen Beryl. She had been too distracted by a billboard.

Jadeite sighed.

Mamoru went in for the kill.

"Quick Jadeite, dodge!" cried Beryl.

"Huh?" said Jadeite, turning around and getting slugged in the face.

"Quick Jadeite punch him!"

Jadeite threw another wild punch. It didn't land.

"Swing right!" yelled Queen Beryl.

Jadeite swung right but it wasn't even close.

"No your other right!" cried Beryl.

Mamoru kicked him in the stomache.

"OOF!"

Then he did his legendary rapid jab attack. Jadeite had nowhere to run.

Queen Beryl watched glumly as Mamoru finished off Jadeite.

"HeLP Me BERYL!" were Jadeite last words.

"I'm just here to observe," Beryl explained to Mamoru, who was looking at her judgementally.

"Ah I understand," said Mamoru walking away and disposing of Jadeite.

* * *

Queen Beryl appeared next to Nephrite. He was on a cliff, pulling some camera guy up onto a ledge.

"Nephrite, why are you saving that guy?"

"HUH!?" exclaimed Nephrite, caugh off guard by Beryl's sudden appearance.

He dropped the guy and he fell to his death.

"D'aww, thanks a lot," complained Nephrite. "Now the guy at the peak of his energy is dead. I have to wait until tomorrow."

"Ok, then do you want to go get something to eat?" Beryl asked. "I promised myself I wouldn't stare at my ball all day. I must keep occupied."

"Well gosh Beryl I just ate. But I would go to the bar if you wanted to!"

"I don't really want to..."

"Aww sweet let's go!"

* * *

They appeared at the bar.

Nephrite ordered the usual while Beryl got a martini.

They brought Nephrite 12 shots of whiskey.

"Cold hard whiskey, me favorite," said Nephrite, doing a toast and knocking over Beryl's martini.

"So this is what you usually do when you're not working?" Beryl wondered.

"Nah, usually I drink alone at home, but since you're here, I went somewhere special."

Some drunk old man came up and started hitting on Beryl.

"Hiya son, I am Rei's grandpa! THE Rei's Grandpa!"

"Oh brother," said Beryl. "Not this guy."

"May I buy you a drink?"

"No thanks..."

"HEY BARTENDER! Get me a beer on the rocks!"

The bartender handed her a beer can and put ice in it.

"Thanks," said Beryl half-heartedly.

"DRINK UP ;D!" encouraged Grandpa. "And then you can come check out my shrine. And also my temple ;D If you know what I mean!"

"Nephrite help me out here," Beryl pleaded.

Nephrite was passed out and completely covered in empty shot glasses. He stirred in his sleep, knocking over the tower of empty glasses.

Beryl sighed and dragged him back to his mansion.

* * *

"UGH!" she moaned as she lugged inside. "Why is Nephrite so fat?!"

"LOL is Nephrite passed out drunk again!" Zoisite mocked from Nephrite's couch.

"Zoisite?" Queen Beryl asked in surprise. "Why are you here?"

"I was hoping to annoy Nephrite when he got home. But it seems he's passed out again! Also he has about double as many channels as my castle does. And subscriptions to both Netflix AND Hulu!"

"Zoisite why aren't you working?"

"I am. You told me to wait on hold until the other two die."

"Oh did I?" Beryl asked vaguely remembering that conversation. "Well Jadeite's dead, and Nephrite might be if he keeps up this behavior. How about you and I go out and start stealing some crystals?"

"Huh, I don't know..." said Zoisite. "Me and Kunzite actually had a date planned for tonight, so I won't start stealing the crystals until next arc."

"Sounds fun!" said Beryl. "I'll tag along!"

"Pls no!" said Zoisite.

"Too bad I already made reservations!"

"But we already had reservations!" objected Zoisite holding up two receits.

Queen Beryl ripped them up. "Not any more! Come on, let's all go to Chuckie Cheese's!"

* * *

Queen Beryl, Zoisite and Kunzite sat at a table at Chuckie Cheese's.

"Now you guys just carry on your date as you normally would, don't mind me!"

"Umm... Ok," said Zoisite.

Queen Beryl leaned in and glared at Zoisite.

"So Kunzite... how have you been?"

"Yeah how have you been?" asked Beryl.

Zoisite and Kunzite both turned around and looked at Beryl.

"Oops," said Beryl. "My bad, I'm just a passive observer here."

"Anyway," said Kunzite, still looking at Beryl and sitting rigidly. "I have been very well."

"Very good," said Zoisite with one eye on Beryl.

"THIS CONVERSATION IS JUST SMALL TALK!" scolded Beryl. She leaned in closer, practically breathing on Zoisite.

"Beryl do you mind?" asked Zoisite.

"Yes," said Beryl. She didn't move.

"Here Beryl!" said Kunzite. He pulled out a twenty. "Why don't you go get yourself some tokens and have some fun!"

"AWW YEA!" said Beryl happily, running off to play. "You guys wait here, I'll be back!"

"Oh thank heavens, she left," said Zoisite.

"Zoisite why is she here?" Kunzite asked.

"Oh Kunzite it's terrible! I tried to stop her, but she kept following me!"

"Oh well, at least now we can go back to our date."

"PIZZA'S HERE!" said Chuck E. Cheese.

He put the pizza on their table.

"Have some tickets!" he shouted, throwing tickets in their eyes.

He took out a seltzer bottle and sprayed Zoisite.

"WOOMPAH!" yelled Chuckie.

Zoisite fell back in the booth.

Kunzite let out a long hard sigh. "Beryl has the worst taste in eateries."

Chuck E. did not go away.

"Are you done?" asked Zoisite. "We're trying to have a date."

"Oh yes, don't mind me. I'm just an observer."

Chuck E. brought over a stool and watched them.

"Can we go home?" asked Zoisite.

"Beryl said to wait here, we shouldn't ditch her. How long can she be?"

* * *

Beryl road the picture taking cart ride.

"Smile for Chuck E., you're about to have your picture taken!"

Beryl smiled evilly and the camera flashed. When the ride ended, she got out to collect her picture.

There was no picture there.

"STAFF!" she cried. "I NEED AN EMPLOYEE!"

Queen Beryl banged loudly on the machine until an employee walked up.

"Umm, what seems to be the problem ma'am?"

"THIS MACHINE DIDN'T PRINT MY PICTURE!" she shouted.

The man opened the machine. "Huh, looks like it's out of paper. You'll just have to play another game until we refill, here's your token back."

"I DO N'T WANT IT BACK!" screamed Beryl throwing the token down. "I WANT MY PICTURE! HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE?!" she demanded throwing a tantrum.

"Four to five," said the employee.

"Four to five what?!"

"Idk, hours? Days?"

Queen Beryl was mad. She ran up to Chuck E. Cheese, who was kneeling beside Kunzite and Zoisite's table.

She ran up and drop kicked him and his head fell off.

Children started to cry.

"Gee thanks!" said Zoisite. "That guy was really getting on my nerves."

Chuck E. Cheese was mad. He put back on his head and put em' up.

"YOU WANNA GO SON!?" asked Beryl.

"RHHHH!" he mumbled through his suit.

"I'm Queen Beryl, Queen of Queens!"

Kids started to gather around.

"FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!"

One of the moms asked Kunzite and Zoisite, "Do you know this lady?"

"Never seen her before in my life," they both replied. They got down on the floor and crawled away. Then they crawled up the slide and hid at the top of the climp-up.

"She'll never find us here!" said Kunzite, as they tried to get back to their date.

Queen Beryl threw a powerful slug at Chuck E. Cheese. He was thrown back into the salad bar.

He took out a plastic knife and charged Beryl.

But she was swift on her feet. She summoned a crytal and knocked the plastic knife out of his hand.

She ran over to the skeeball machine and put in a quarter.

Chuck E. charged her as the balls dropped down into the shoot. She pelted him with skee balls until he was knocked over.

She put a quarter in that machine where you shoot water at a target and spun the water gun all the way around. She fired at Chuck E., but it had little to no affect. He picked up a machine and threw it at Beryl.

Beryl sliced it in mid-air, and all the tickets poured out. The kids ran and desperately grovelled on the floor for the tickets.

Queen Beryl shot an energy blast and Chuck E. went flying.

He smashed into the helicopter ride, sending a kid falling to the ground and dying.

He was stuck in the helicopter, and Beryl made her move.

She started climbing up the safety later, but he managed to use his free foot to kick her back down. She landed on the monster truck ride.

With her magic, she dislocated it from the ride and drove it into the base of the helicopter ride. It started tipping to the side.

"OHHNOOOOOOOO!" cried Chuck E.

It hit the ground with a loud explosion.

"That outta finish him!" she said, dusting off her gown. She started to walk away, but Chuck E. crawled out of the flames and leaped at her like a wild animal.

Queen Beryl side-stepped at the last second, and Chuck E. toppled over on the ticket machine.

"I can't defeat her like this," Chuck E. released. "I must transform!"

Chuck E. Cheese turned into his final form! He grew long black wings and his eyes glowed red. He took his cap off, and it transformed into a huge scythe. He lit up the scythe with his fire breathe.

"HERE'S CHUCK E!"

Queen Beryl panicked. She leapt out of the way as Chuck E. charged her with his scythe.

She leaped from machine to machine as he chopped them in half trying to hit her. She shot an energy blast, but he reflected it wiht a light backhand.

Queen Beryl knew her only option was to hide, and fled for the climb up.

"He'll never find me in here!" she said to herself.

But then the climb up began to rumble. Slowly, Super Chuck E. sliced through the platforms because he was too big for them. He started levitating up through the climb up.

Queen Beryl started crawling through the small tunnel, to the slide.

Chuck E. finally reached the top, and soared at her like a torpedo.

He slammed directly into her, right as she turned the corner to the slide.

"AWWW SHIT!" yelled Kunzite, turning around with a gasp as Beryl was hurdled towards them.

"no no no No No NO NO NO NOOOOOOO!" cried Zoisite as Beryl and Super Chuck collided with them. They began a ball of tussling as they all tumbled down the slide.

But then they got stuck, halfway down the slide.

"Well this is awkward," said Super Chuck E.

Queen Beryl made her move, or at least tried to.

"Move Kunzite you fatass, I'm trying to kill this rat!"

"I'm trying!" cried Kunzite.

"OWW!" yelled Zoisite as Beryl kicked him in the shin. "Stop pulling my hair!"

"I thought that was Beryl's hair," said Super Chuck E.

"Quick let's ditch this soda stand!" said Beryl, teleporting. Kunzite and Zoisite followed suit.

All three appeared on the floor of Beryl's throne room, panting and gasping for breath.

"It's been one of those days," sighed Zoisite.

"Well at least we ditched that rat!" said Beryl.

Suddenly, there was a loud bang on the door.

"?" said Beryl.

"Oh boy, nobody move," said Kunzite.

The banging got louder and louder, but then it stopped.

"Phew, I think he gave up," said Beryl.

Suddenly the doors burst open.

"AAAAAAAAHHHH!" they all cried.

They all fired their best attacks at the doorway.

Nephrite was sent to the ground. "OOF!"

"Oh, it's just Nephrite!" laughed Beryl. "You scared me! I thought for a second you were Chuck E. Cheese!"

"Huh?" said Nephrite. "You know you all criticize me for my drug use, but you guys are on something worse than alcohol."

He climbed to his feet and started to walk in. "So anyway,"

Suddenly Nephrite exploded.

"Darn it Zoisite!" said Beryl. "Nephrite still owed me two dollars!"

"It wasn't me, my Queen," said Zoisite.

"Huh, Kunzite?"

"Nope."

"Uh oh," said Beryl.

Chuck E. Cheese road in on tank.

"OHHHHHH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!"

He began shooting missiles at them.

"THIS IS WHERE MY STORY ENDS!" cried Queen Beryl. "RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!"

They all made a run into the castle. Chuck E. followed on his tank.

They ran through the castle until they reached a random cliff that hung above an abyss.

They were cornered.

"Gosh darn, a dead end," said Kunzite.

"Whelp looks like we have to say our last words," said Beryl. "Zoisite, you were my least favorite Shitennou!"

"D'oh," said Zoisite.

Chuck E. was approaching.

"Well looks like there's no other option but to jump!" Beryl cried.

"Yeah right," said Zoisite. "Like we're jumping! You can have fun with that!"

Queen Beryl pushed them both off and leaped off the cliff right as Chuck E. approached the edge.

"NOOOO!" he screamed. "I WANT TO BE THE ONE TO FINISH THEM!"

He road his tank off the cliff and into the abyss after them. "HAHAH I'vE GOT U NOW!"

They all flew up. "Lol did we mention we could fly?" they mocked.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Chuck E. as his tank fell deeper into the abyss. "This may be my end, but this is the end of your time at Chuck E. Cheese's! You scrubs are banned!"

"LOL" said Beryl. She layed a tarp down over the abyss so that he could never climb back up.

He hit the ground with a thud and exploded.

"eZ," said Beryl. "He's a goner."

The camera zoomed up to Chuck E. at the bottom of the abyss to make sure he was dead. At the last second, before the screen went black, he opened one eye.

FIN?


	63. Nephrite Teaches A Lesson In Astrology

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Jadeite, it's me, Nephrite. Why are you calling me Queen Beryl?" Nephrite asked.

"Oh heya Nephrite! Why are you on Queen Beryl's throne?"

"Just trollin' around," Nephrite chortled.

"Huh," said Jadeite. "Have you seen Beryl around anywhere?"

"Oh yeah, I'll tell you how to get to her. Just walk three blocks to the right, and then turn left and walk two more blocks until you're standing on the red X."

"Gee, thanks!" said Jadeite, following the instructions. He got to the red X. Nephrite pulled a string and dropped an anvil on him.

"LOLOOLOOLOLO!" laughed Nephrite stealing Jadeite's wallet from his corpse. "Now I have enough money to take Molly to that planetarium show!"

* * *

"Heya Molly," Nephrite called, appearing in Molly's window.

"WAAAAAAAA!" cried Molly in shock. "You sicko, I was getting dressed!"

"Oh sorry, you should have called," said Nephrite.

"Why would I call when you were coming over? You should have called!"

"Nah," said Nephrite. "So hey, I killed this joker and I got the money to take us to that planetarium show you wanted to see!"

"But you're the one who wanted to see it..."

"So that's a yes?"

"Well I would but I'm going out with Melvin tonight."

"Aww yuck, that nerd?" Nephrite asked angrily. "Naww, forget about him!"

"D'aww that would be rude," replied Molly.

"Come ooooonnnnnn," whined Nephrite.

"D'aww fine, I'll figure out a way to come without hurting Melvin's feelings."

"Excellent!" laughed Nephrite evilly.

* * *

Nephrite pulled up in front of Molly's apartment building and beeped his horn.

Melvin came out. "Hidy ho, Nefruit!"

"Why are you here?"

"Molly said I could tag along!"

"She said WHAT?!" barked Nephrite.

"Shot gun!" Melvin called, getting in the front.

Nephrite was about to finish him off but Molly came out.

"Hiya, I guess I'll just sit in the back."

She got in the car.

Nephrite drove to the show and they went to get seats. The seats had already been mostly filled up, since they had been running late due to Melvin's having to go to the bathroom three times.

Nephrite finally found three open seats.

"After you," he said to Molly, who sat down on the edge seat.

Nephrite went to sit down next to her, but Melvin slid in and stole the middle seat.

"MOVE!" screamed Nephrite.

"Don't be pushy," chided Melvin.

"Neeephrite," whined Molly. "Don't start drama!"

Nephrite grumbled incoherently and sat down next to Melvin.

He leaned away from Melvin onto the opposite arm rest.

A hand was placed on top of his.

Nephrite turned around slowly, to be face to face with Rei's grandpa.

"Hey young man!" said Rei's Gramps. "You single?"

"Actually I'm on a date," Nephrite explained angrily, pulling his hand away from Gramps.

"Oh, well your date has cute glasses!" said Grandpa.

Melvin turned around to Grandpa and winked.

"ARRRRGH!" yelled Nephrite.

"Quiet down!" insisted Molly. "The show's about to start!"

The lights dimmed and the presenter came on stage. It was a teacher from a nearby high school.

"Hello ladies and gents. Today we have a special guest who is here to speak with us about stars."

"OH BOY!" applauded Nephrite. "YEAAAAH!" he shouted pumping his fist.

"Didn't you know what the show was gonna be about?" asked Melvin.

"Can it four-eyes, of course I did! I just get excited when I hear talk about stars!"

The host continued. "Our special guest is someone you've all heard of, the famous Taiki Kou!"

"Who?" everyone asked.

"He's one of the Three Lights?"

"OHHHH!" said everyone. They all started cheering.

Enter Taiki Kou.

"Hello everyone, I am Taiki Kou! Your favorite of the Three Lights!"

"Who the hell is this chump?" demanded Nephrite.

"You don't know the Three Lights?" asked Molly.

"No, I'm not supposed to be around this season."

"Why not?" asked Melvin obliviously.

"Shut it geek boy!"

"Now we're going to take some questions from the audience," said Taiki. "Who wants to talk about stars?"

"ME! ME! ME! ME!" yelled Nephrite, waving and jumping up and down.

"How about you?" they asked, pointing in the opposite direction of Nephrite.

Nephrite let out a loud growl and sunk back in his seat.

"Hello, how many stars do you think are out there?" the chosen audience member asked.

"ARE YOU SERIOUS!?" screamed Nephrite.

"Well," said Taiki, "We don't have an exact number, but we're sure there are a lot of them."

Everyone applauded.

"Next question!"

Nephrite stood up again and climbed on top of Melvin to get seen.

"MEEEEEEEE!"

"How about you?" they said, looking right in his direction.

"ME?!" he asked.

"No, the kid with glasses," Taiki said.

Nephrite growled even louder.

"Oh boy!" said Melvin. "My question is, can I go to the restroom?"

"I don't know," said Taiki. "Can you?"

The audience all laughed.

"HUH?!" asked Melvin in shock.

"This isn't funny! I ate a lot of shrimp today!" insisted Melvin. "It's starting to kick in!"

Nephrite was about to slaughter Melvin, when Taiki said, "Alright, last question! I'll give it to the first person who raises their hand!"

Nephrite instantly raised his hand. A good ten seconds later, a blue haired girl raised her hand.

"You, the cute one with blue hair!" winked Taiki.

"WHAAT?!" screamed Nephrite. "THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! AN OUUUTRAGE!?"

Ami asked her question. "Do you think people can be reborn as stars?"

"I think so," said the professor from the high school.

"No way!" said Taiki. The music track "Split Sailors" started playing in the background. "People can NOT be reborn as stars!"

"How do you know?" asked the professor.

"Because I'm a Sailor Starlight!"

Everyone gasped.

"Did I say Starlight? I meant Three Light! LOL!" Taiki laughed.

"Ohhhh, haha!" laughed the audience in unison.

"Now wait just a darn second!" yelled Nephrite, leaping onto the stage and stealing the microphone.

"I'll have you know, everything is ruled by the stars! And the stars say, Nay! People can be reborn as stars!"

"Science proves-" began Taiki.

Nephrite socked him in the face. "Science proves you suck! Stars, grant me the power to put this bozo in his place!"

"You can't communicate with stars, fool," Taiki scoffed. "And even if you could, it'd be impossible for them to materialize anything that would do me harm."

Nephrite shot an energy blast from the stars straight at Taiki.

"WOAH NELLY!" cried Taiki in shock. He leaped out of the way. The blast hit the crowd and 1/4 of the audience died.

"That... was just a cheap parlor trick!" declared Taiki. "Just an illusion I tell you!"

"Stars, summon down Leo the Lion and butcher this chump!" called Nephrite.

"Nephroyte, stop!" called Molly.

"STAY OUT OF THIS!" yelled Nephrite.

"You're dumb," said Taiki. "Leo the Lion is just a constellation. Constellations are just patterns made by humans to help organize the stars; they don't really exist."

Leo the Lion appeared and started chowing down on Taiki.

"HACKS!" cried Taiki.

Meanwhile, Seiya and Yaten were watching it all go down on a small TV in their studio.

"That Taiki is real joker," laughed Yaten.

"I don't think he's very funny," said Seiya.

The soundtrack, "Split Sailors" from the Sailor Moon S OST started playing in the background. (Google it, it's a good one)

Seiya jumped up, knocking over his chair. Yaten jumped up, knocking over the sofa. They put em' up.

Taiki continued to get mauled on TV.

It was an outrage considering it was live television. The planetarium threw Nephrite, Molly and Melvin out. They also threw Gramps out because they thought he was associated with them.

"Nice going," said Melvin angrily.

"That was awesome!" said Molly. "You really taught that queerboy a lesson on astrology!"

"Astrology isn't a science," said Melvin. "It's just made up hokus pokus to try and convince people that there's something outside of the Solar System!"

Nephrite grabbed Melvin's collar and picked him up.

"TAKE THAT BACK!"

"NEVER!"

Nephrite tossed Melvin straight up into space.

"MELVIN NOOOO!" cried Molly.

"Alright Molly wanna go get a milkshake?" asked Nephrite.

"Aww yea, okey dokey!" Molly said happily. They took off.

Melvin drifted through space and eventually got pulled in by a nearby black hole. He was never seen again.

FIN


	64. Kunzite Locks The Shitennou In A Cage

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Jadeite I'm going to be on the Bachelor for the next eight weeks."

"D'oh," said Jadeite. "What do you want us to do while you're gone?"

"I don't care, as long as you don't mess anything up," said Beryl. "And whatever you do, don't go in my second cabinet."

"Why not?" asked Jadeite.

"Jadeite what did I just say."

"Alright fine Beryl, I won't let my curiosity get the best of me."

"Good, because I'll kill you if you do," promised Beryl. "And don't think I won't!"

"Gotcha!"

"Goodbye Jadeite, and when I return, I'll be a married woman!"

"Good luck!" Jadeite said as tears fell from his eyes. "They grow up so fast..."

"Hey Jadeite," said Nephrite. "You seen Beryl around? I need to inform her that everything is ruled by the stars."

"She's on the Bachelor," explained Jadeite.

"What?" asked Nephrite in shock.

"Yep."

"Aww sweet, now I can slack off!"

"So basically you'll just keep doing what you've been doing?" asked Jadeite.

"Exactly!" replied Nephrite. He summoned a sofa and leaped on it. "Goodnight boyo," he said falling asleep.

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Zoisite as he and Kunzite entered. "I'm here to tell you all about what a slacker Nephrite is! And also why I should be put on the next job!"

"Nice try chump," said Nephrite stirring in his sleep. "But she's gone!"

"Oh, when will she be back?" Kunzite asked.

"Depends on if the Bachelor throws her off on episode one or episode two."

"Ah."

"Oh, I almost forgot!" remembered Jadeite. "She said to never go in her second cabinet, or she'll kill you!"

"What?" gasped Nephrite hopping off the couch. "I totally wouldn't have thought to go in there, but now I kind of want to!"

"Same!" agreed Zoisite. "She must have something important in there!"

Jadeite, Nephrite, and Zoisite made a wild dash for the cabinet.

Kunzite teleported in front of them and stopped them. "Don't do it. If she said she'll kill you, she probably will."

"Nah," scoffed Jadeite. "She always threatens to kill me!"

"Yeah come on," urged Zoisite. "Just a quick peak!"

"No!" said Kunzite stubbornly. "I'm sure she has a reason for keeping whatever it is a secret!"

"I bet it's embarassing snapshots from the Christmas party!" guessed Jadeite.

"OHHHHH I HAVE TO SEE!" exclaimed Zoisite giving Kunzite a hard shove.

He lunged for the drawer like a wild cougar but Kunzite grabbed his foot and pulled him back at the last second.

"STAHHHHP I don't want you to get killed!" cried Kunzite.

"Come oooooooooon!" Zoisite begged.

While Kunzite was restraining Zoisite, Nephrite went for the cabinet.

"Nephrite stop!" barked Kunzite.

"No let him do it!" said Zoisite.

With Kunzite's free hand, he summoned a forcefield in front of Nephrite. He bounced back.

"But what if," said Nephrite. "She's keeping potential blackmail of us in there!"

"Oh please," said Jadeite. "I've never done anything wrong, so there's nothing she can hold against me!"

"That's right," agreed Kunzite. "And why would she blackmail us when she could just threaten to kill us?"

"Because obviously that doesn't work," said Zoisite. "Speaking of which," he began, spinning around and shooting petals in Kunzite's eyes. But they had little to no effect and Zoisite was unable to reach the cabinet.

"Ok I'm putting you all in a cage," decided Kunzite. "It's for your own good."

He put all three in a cage.

"I can't be in a cage with these losers!" cried Zoisite. "Put me in my own cage!"

"Fine," said Kunzite, opening the door so he could put Zoisite in another cage.

Zoisite ran for the cabinet.

Kunzite dropped the floor out from under him and he fell into a portal. The portal appeared back in the cage and Kunzite slammed the door.

"Now stay!" he told them all.

"This can't hold us," laughed Nephrite. He went to teleport, but the cage shocked him. He got burnt to a crisp and fell down.

"Oh yeah, I forgot," said Kunzite. "If you try to use magic, you'll get shocked. Now anyway, I'm going to clean this place up for when Beryl gets home."

He put on a maid's costume and started dusting from the corner of Beryl's throne room.

"LET US OUT!" they all sobbed.

"Nope not until I'm done cleaning. Then I'll put you in cages in your rightful homes."

"Joke's on you, I don't have a home!" laughed Jadeite.

"Then you can stay in this cage," Kunzite told him.

"D'aww," said Jadeite. "Can I at least have a blanket? It gets cold at night!"

"No," said Kunzite sweeping the floor.

"We have to find a way out!" cried Nephrite. "I can't live like this! I MUST know what's in that cabinet!"

"I have an idea," Jadeite said smirking maliciously.

* * *

After 1/4 of Beryl's throne room was sparkling clean, Kunzite walked over to the cage with three dog food bowls.

"In case you guys were getting hungry, I brought some grub!"

But then he stopped. "What the..." he started.

Standing in the cage was a cut-out of Kunzite.

"What the heck?!" demanded Kunzite. "How did those three get out? And how did I get in there?!"

He paced arounds, completely baffled. "How am I in two places at once?!"

"Oh well," he decided at last. "I better let myself out."

He opened the cage door.

Instantly, the three Shitennou ran out from behind the cut-out and dashed out of the cage. They threw Kunzite in and shut the door.

"NOOOOOO!" yelled Kunzite.

Jadeite, Nephrite, and Zoisite ran for the cabinet flailing their arms like crazy people.

But when they got there, it was gone!

"Fools!" taunted Kunzite. "I would never let you all get yourselves killed like that, so I put the cabinet in my pocket for safe keeping!"

He reached in his pocket and pulled out the whole cabinet.

"CRAP!" cried Zoisite. "Now what do we do?!"

They ran up to the cage. "LET ME IN!" they all cried.

"I couldn't if I wanted to," said Kunzite. "I'm stuck in my own cage where I can't use magic."

"Wait," realized Jadeite. "You can't use magic to get out of the cage, but you can use it to get in!"

All three teleported in.

"Look what you've done!" scolded Kunzite. "Now all of us are trapped!"

"Well since we're trapped in here," said Nephrite. "Let's have a look at that cabinet!"

"NEVER!" shouted Kunzite.

"Come on, at least let Nephrite get killed!" insisted Zoisite.

"Stop saying that!" yelled Nephrite.

Suddenly, they heard the door slide open.

"Quick hide the cabinet!" yelled Zoisite. "It might be Beryl!"

But it wasn't.

"Hey guys, it's me, Mamoru Chiba! Is anyone home?"

"HEEEEEEEELP!" they all yelled.

"Oh hey guys!" said Mamoru approaching the cage. "Why are you all in a cage with a cabinet?"

"How does he see the cabinet in my pocket?" asked Kunzite in shock, with a huge cabinet in his pocket.

"Umm, we got lost!" said Zoisite. "Here, I'll give you my rainbow crystals if you let us out!"

"I don't know," said Mamoru. "I think I don't like you guys very much!"

"RAINBOW CRYSTALS!" repeated Zoisite.

"Hmm, I do need those to know that I'm Tuxedo Mask. Wait a minute, am I Tuxedo Mask?"

"No way!" lied Jadeite.

"Then who am I!?" Mamoru cried in despair.

"I don't know," said Nephrite. "But I'll ask the stars for you if you let us out!"

"Ok! How do I?"

"Pick up that key over there," instructed Kunzite.

"This key?" Mamoru asked.

"Yes," nodded the four of them slowly.

"Now just bring it over here," Kunzite told him.

Mamoru put the key in his mouth.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" they cried.

He swallowed the key. "Oops!"

"WHHHHHHHY!" they all hollered.

"I don't like the way you bad guys do bad things!" he said. "LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!" he shouted as he leaped in his red car and flew away.

"What a douche!" yelled Zoisite. "When I get out of here I'm clogging up his whole television network!"

"Wait a minute," said Jadeite, the thinker of the group. "What if the thing Beryl has in this cabinet is super powerful?"

"Super powerful?" Kunzite asked, getting eager with anticipation.

"Yeah, and it could even be powerful enough to break the cage!"

"Oh boy!" said Kunzite. "Wait a second... Beryl told us not to!"

"We're gonna starve in here if we don't get out soon!" reminded Nephrite.

"Do we even eat?" asked Jadeite.

Nephrite slugged him. "SSHHHHH!"

"Just hang in there," insisted Kunzite. "Beryl will be home any week now."

"I CAN'T HANG IN THERE!" cried Zoisite. "I'M CLAUSTROPHOBIC!"

"Since when!?" asked Kunzite in shock.

"SINCE NOOOOW!" Zoisite cried, throwing himself into the walls of the cage over and over. He kept charging up energy blasts to fire at it and getting shocked for trying to use magic. He picked up so much electricity that it started shocking everyone.

"STAHHHHHP!" yelled Kunzite.

"Nooo *ZAP* oooooooo! NEVEEEEEEE *ZAP* EEEEEEEERRRR!"

Nephrite went to tackle Zoisite but he dodged and Nephrite hit the cage wall. He fell over on top of Jadeite.

"GET HIM OFF ME!" yelled Jadeite, while still being shocked.

"STOP SHOOTING ATTACKS!" they all shouted at Zoisite.

"AUUGHHUGHHUGHH!" yelled Zoisite because he was being shocked.

Kunzite backhanded Zoisite and he finally stopped, looking at Kunzite with hurt and bewilderment.

"Wa- wa... w-w-why u hit me?" he asked sadly.

"Because you were killing us all."

"WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Zoisite started crying.

"Oh brother!" growled Nephrite with his deep booming dub voice.

The tears started filling Beryl's throne room.

"Dammit I just cleaned there!" lamented Kunzite.

Soon the whole room was flooded and they were starting to drown.

"I'm dying!" cried Jadeite.

"Zoisite stop crying!" begged Kunzite.

Nephrite went to shoot him with an energy blast but of course it just shocked him, and the shock multiplied by ten and hit everyone because they were in the water.

"WHY SHOULD I STOP CRYING!?" sobbed Zoisite. "You all hate me! WAAAAA!"

"I mean he's not wrong," said Nephrite before getting slugged by Kunzite.

Now they were completely under water.

Jadeite clung to the top of the cage as the whole room was being filled.

"I don't hate you!" exclaimed Kunzite.

"...Really?"

"Ye"

"Awwww, you make me so happy I could cry!" said Zoisite, crying even harder.

"STAHPPP!" yelled Nephrite backhanding him again. But it was futile.

"THIS IS WHERE MY STORY ENDS!" cried Jadeite starting to cry.

"I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!" yelled Nephrite starting to cry as well.

The room was flooding faster than ever.

"OMG!" screamed Kunzite but he was completely submerged so no one heard it.

He backhanded the three of them but it did no good.

"WE MUST CHECK THE CABINET! IT'S OUR ONLY HOPE!" gurgled Jadeite.

"FINE!" cried Kunzite giving in.

He opened the cabinet. All the water got sucked in.

Everyone gasped for breath and floundered on the floor.

"So what's inside?" they all asked.

"I'm not sure," said Kunzite. "But whatever it is, it's making a strange ticking sound..."

Tick... Tick... Tick...

Then the bomb exploded. Everyone died.

Two weeks later, Queen Beryl returned.

"That guy had no taste in women!" she shouted. "But at least I wasn't the first to get kicked off, I was the second!"

"Now to diffuse my cabinet bomb," remembered Beryl. "I hope no one prematurely set it off!"

She unlocked the palace door and opened her eyes.

There was no palace. It was just rubble.

"JAAAAAAAAAAAADDDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITEEEEEEEEEE!" she screamed but no one heard her.

Queen Beryl leaped off a bridge.

FIN


	65. How Episode 13 Should Have Ended

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"But did you?" Queen Beryl asked.

"Yes my Queen!"

"I don't believe you!" said Queen Beryl. "Sleep forevahhhhhhh!"

"No please!"

"FOREVAAHHHHHHHH!"

Queen Beryl charged up an attack. She places her hand on her crystal ball to launch the eternal sleep.

But Jadeite thought fast. He shot an energy blast at her hand and she was unable to kill him.

"GRR JADEITE! That was the last straw!" screamed Queen Beryl.

"Nah son it was already the last straw. Now, it's YOUR last straw!" Jadeite grabbed Queen Beryl's ball.

"HEY THERE!" she cried.

But he didn't listen. He zapped her with the ball and put her in an eternal sleep.

"YEAH BERYL U DON'T LIKE THAT VERY MUCH, DO YA?!"

The other three Shitennou walked in.

"So I take it Jadeite's dead now?" Nephrite asked. "Jadeite was a fool."

"Yeah," agreed Zoisite. "What a chump."

Jadeite put all three Shitennou in an eternal sleep.

"AHAHAHAHAHAH WHo'S THE FOOL NOW!" yelled Jadeite triumphantly.

He teleported to the Sailor Scouts.

"Jadeite!" yelled Rei.

"We can take you down through the power of teamwork!" yelled Ami.

But before they could even transform, Jadeite put them all in an eternal sleep.

"HAHAHAHAH!" laughed Jadeite.

But Tuxedo Mask charged him. They flew into the air and spun around. Jadeite defeated him even without the eternal sleep attack.

Mamoru fell into the ocean.

Just to make sure, Jadeite shot the entire ocean with eternal sleep. All the fish were sleeping.

Jadeite charged into Queen Metalia's room.

"FEED ME ENERGY!" yelled Metalia.

"Ok!" said Jadeite. He shot her with an eternal sleep. She went to sleep eternally.

"AWW YEAH JADEITE WINS!" yelled Jadeite happily. "I'm da best!"

Three weeks later Jadeite had put every last person who objected to his role of King of the World to sleep.

He made Toei Animation make an anime about him called Sailor Jadeite and also one called Dragon Ball Jadeite.

Jadeite ruled the Earth strictly but fairly. He stole Nephrite's girlfriend Molly and their children and their children's children ruled the Earth peacefully for many generations.

THE END


	66. Nephrite VS Melvin: Fight To The Death!

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Ok Jadeite I'll humor you," said Beryl. "What's your new source?"

"Well, we have found that the humans expend large amounts of energy on feeling sorry for themselves."

"Ah, I see. I think I've heard of that," said Beryl.

"Yeah, yeah! So, if I can make people feel sorry for themselves, they'll work up great quantities of energy that I can easily harvest! MWAHAHAHAH!"

"10/10 Jadeite you go for it!" applauded Beryl.

"Why thank you my Queen I learned everything I know from you!" said Jadeite, taking off to carry out his plan.

* * *

Molly walked down the school hall with her good pal Usagi.

"So yeah, sorry I won't see you for a couple of seasons but with my daughter from the future, and then Sailor Galaxia's personified star seed to look after, I'm just gonna have my hands full."

"D'oh," said Molly. "At least I'll show up at least once or twice in seasons three and four!"

"Yeah, see? It's not that bad," reminded Usagi.

Just then, they spotted a poster.

"Juuban High School Freshman Prom!"

They both gasped.

"Oh boy, that will be so much fun!" exclaimed Usagi. "I'm taking me Mamo-chan! Hbu, Molly? Who are you going to prom with?"

"Gosh, well there's this one guy, and then there's this other guy!" she cried with confliction.

"Word of advice," said Usagi. "Go with the more attractive one!"

"Aww, but Melvin has an attractive personality!"

"You're thinking about going with Melvin!?" laughed Usagi. "LOOOLLLLOLOL DUMMY!"

"So you think I should go with Nephrite?"

"WHAT?! Nephrite's a really bad guy! He works for an evil organization! And he stole candy from a baby! And he kicks puppies!" Usagi cried. "LLOLOLOOLOLLL DUMMY!"

"You're not being very considerate," Molly said angrily. "I can fix Nephrite! And Melvin is a nice guy! Sometimes!"

"Just take them both," said Usagi losing interest.

"That's not fair to either of them though!" objected Molly.

"Molly, you know what? I just don't care. The world is falling apart and I have to defend it with my one attack."

"Wait what?!" asked Molly in shock.

"Umm..." said Usagi. "Gotta blast!"

Usagi took off.

"That girl is no help," said Molly.

Molly decided to go home in the middle of the school day. "I'm too conflicted about this, I can't go to math class!"

When she got outside, Nephrite was leaning against a nearby pole.

"Heya guuuuuurrrll!" he called, lowering his shades.

"Oh hi Nephrite!" exclaimed Molly.

"I heard there's a prom at your school," he winked. "And who better to go with than someone who is long graduated?"

"I agree!" said Molly. "That's what Usagi's doing! But..."

"Uh oh," said Nephrite. "But what?"

"But..."

Just then Melvin jumped out of the bushes with a bouquet of shrimp.

"HIDY HO MOLLY! GO TO PROM WITH ME!"

"SCRAM YA LOSER!" yelled Nephrite.

"Get lost, four eyes!" yelled Melvin.

"?" replied Nephrite.

"Yeah that's right, dummy!" said Melvin.

"Boys, boys!" said Molly. "I love you both, but sadly I can only take one of you to prom. I need to think about this!"

"How is this even a question?" asked Nephrite. "I'm so cool! I can drive! I can drink! I can buy you liquor with my fake ID!"

"Good point," agreed Molly.

"HEY wait just a darn tootin' second!" yelled Melvin. "I'm closer to your age! I can make a mean shrimp on the barbie! And I'm the captian of our school's championship winning snail watching team! (I'm the only member!)"

"Gosh, those are some good points as well," Molly admitted.

Nephrite took off his shirt. "Look at my abs."

Melvin took off his shirt. Molly covered her eyes.

"Come on, twinkle toes!" yelled Melvin at Nephrite. "Let's dance!"

"I'll be doing tons of dancing with Molly at the prom!" yelled Nephrite.

Just then the school's principle showed up.

"Excuse me young man, you look a little old to be in high school."

"Pshhhh," scoffed Nephrite. "Only by a couple thousand years."

"I'm sorry sir but if you don't have a child that goes to this school, then you're going to have to leave. Or else I'll call the cops!"

"You win this round," said Nephrite slowly backing away. He pointed to his eyes and then to Melvin's eyes. "I'm watching you!"

He hopped on the motorcycle he brought to show off to Molly and tried to drive off but fell. He teleported away angrily.

"And you, why aren't you in class?" he asked Melvin and Molly. "And why isn't that boy in a shirt!"

"You didn't ask that creepy old man lurking around the school why he wasn't in a shirt!" objected Melvin.

"That's because he was dreamy," said the principle leaving.

"D'oh," said Melvin. Molly went back to class but Melvin stayed outside and sulked.

* * *

When Molly got out of school, Melvin was still sulking outside on the front steps.

But he perked up when Molly came by.

"MOLLY! HIDY HO!"

"Hey..." said Molly.

"I saved half of my cranberry milkshake for you!" exclaimed Melvin.

Meanwhile, Nephrite stood on top of a large apartment building nearby with his sniper rifle aimed right at Melvin's head.

"That's right," Nephrite snickered to himself, looking through the scope of his shotgun. Just as he went to fire the gun, he got a bug in his eye. "AHHH GET AWAY!" he cried swatting at it. He accidentally shot the gun.

It pierced the cranberry milkshake and all its contents poured out.

"Meh," decided Nephrite. "Still a pretty good shot. I've still got it!"

Melvin looked in the direction that the bullet came from and spotted Nephrite standing menacingly with his gun on a building. After realizing he had been spotted, Nephrite quickly ducked down under the railing.

"GRrrr!" yelled Melvin, shaking his fist at the sky.

"Aww, now I can't have any cranberry milkshake!" Molly said with fake sadness.

"It's ok Molly! I brought you some extra shrimp in case something like this happened!"

Nephrite teleported on top of Melvin, falling to the ground and knocking over Melvin.

"Heya, Molly!" said Nephrite. "Oops, looks like I stepped in some nerd!" Nephrite laughed.

"Nephrite, that's mean!" said Molly.

"What of it?" asked Nephrite.

"Good point," said Molly. "Want to go get some shrimp!"

"HEY!" yelled Melvin.

"Oh by the way, Molly, I've been meaning to ask you something," said Nephrite. "About that prom..."

Suddenly Queen Beryl's face appeared in front of Nephrite.

"Beryl, lay off!" yelled Nephrite. "I'm busy!"

"Nephrite you must return to the Negaverse immediately!"

"NO!" cried Nephrite. "WAIT!"

But Queen Beryl teleported him back.

Melvin climbed to his feet. "It's ok Molly, he didn't crush all the shrimp!"

* * *

Back in the Negaverse, Nephrite wasn't very happy.

"What's so important that you needed to stand between me and my true love?!" demanded Nephrite.

"Nephrite, I needed to tell you not to kill Tuxedo Mask!"

"What? Why not?"

"Because he's a hunkster! That is all," said Beryl. "Oh, and be sure to pass that on to Zoisite."

"I won't forget!" promised Nephrite.

"Good, cya," said Beryl teleporting him into a dumpster.

"WHY BERYL WHY!?" yelled Nephrite.

"That's for sassing me!" said Beryl, going back to daydreaming of Tuxedo Mask.

Nephrite started the long slow teleport to the nearest shrimp place to stop Melvin from stealing his girl. "I hope I'm not too late!"

* * *

Melvin and Molly sat at the shrimp place.

Melvin was gobbling shrimp at a world record pace. A whole crowd was gathered around.

Molly hesitantly reached a hand in to take a single shrimp, but Melvin snatched it out of her hand and gobbled it down like a beast.

"Umm... you're kind of being rude, Melvin..." said Molly.

"Hold on Molly!" he said, talking while chewing. "I needed to eat all this shrimp to get up the confidence to ask you something really important!"

"Ok..." said Molly.

"In fact, it's so important that I can't express it with words! I'd start stuttering and throw up!"

"Ok..." said Molly.

"So I wrote it out with shrimp sauce! Here it is!" said Melvin pulling out a plate.

Just then Nephrite appeared. He magically rearranged the shrimp sauce. When Molly read it, instead of it saying "Go to prom with me!" it said, "I'm gay!"

"Gosh Melvin, I didn't know you felt that way!" said Molly.

"I do, 100%!" said Melvin not realizing.

"Well in that case, I'll just go to prom with Nephrite," she said.

"WAAAAAAAT?!" Melvin gasped in anger. He looked at the plate. "Oh no Molly! This isn't what I wrote!"

"It's okay," said Molly. "I accept you."

"No, I wanted to ask you to go to-"

Nephrite stuck a handful of shrimp in his mouth, momentarily stunning Melvin.

Then he warped outside the door and walked in in a tuxedo.

"Hey, Molly," he said suavely. He came up with a bouquet of flowers. "How about you and me go to prom!"

Melvin quickly swallowed the shrimp and pulled out a huge pair of hedgeclippers, cutting the flowers off when Molly blinked.

"Why are you offering me dead flowers?" Molly asked.

"WHAT!?" barked Nephrite angrily. "Fine, I'll just magically warp up a new batch!"

He called to stars. "Stars, present my Molly with a bouquet of-"

"GARBAGE!" yelled Melvin.

"NOOO!" cried Nephrite. But it was too late. The stars gave Molly garbage.

"Nephrite how rude!" said Molly.

Melvin went in for the kill, whipping out a box of chocolates.

"Molly I've loved you for a long time, and I want you to go to-"

Molly opened the box of chocolates, and Nephrite thought fast.

He ran up and started eating all the chocolates. "Oooh is that chocolate? OMNOMNOMNOMNOM!"

"Melvin, why did you give me an empty box? First you eat all the shrimp, then all the chocolate!" Molly said with disappointment.

"What?!" cried Melvin. "Nephrite just ate them all! We both saw it!"

"All I know is you said you were giving me chocolate but I got no chocolate."

"GRRRRRRRR!" growled Melvin.

"Come on Molly, let's ditch this soda stand," said Nephrite. "If you hurry to the car, I'll let you drive!"

"Aww sweet!" exclaimed Molly, running in and hopping in the driver's seat. Nephrite got in the passenger side.

"Now just be careful," said Nephrite. "This car is expensive."

"I got it, I got it," said Molly. She started driving.

But Melvin had latched on to the underside of the car. From below, he fiddled with the car and cut the breaks.

Molly approached a stoplight. She put her foot down on the breaks, but nothing happened.

"Nephrite, the breaks aren't working!" she cried.

"WHAT!? But I just got an inspection!" cried Nephrite.

Molly went hurdling towards a crowd of pedestrians.

"Nephrite save them!" cried Molly.

Nephrite sighed. "The things I'll do for love."

He leaped out of the car at lightning speed and moved the pedestrians one by one to the sidewalk.

"LOOOK OUUUUUT!" cried Molly. Nephrite pushed the last pedestrian out of the way, and thus got run over.

"OOF!" he yelled as his body stopped the car.

"OH NO NEPHRITE!" Molly cried. "ARE YOU OK!?"

"Ehhh, I guess," he sighed.

"Molly, did you see that!" Melvin cried. "Nephrite was trying to kill you!"

"Then why did he save all those people?" asked Molly.

"Because they're assassins who are trying to kill you!"

"That doesn't make sense," said Molly.

"Hey anyway," said Melvin, "Go to prom with me?"

"I can't think about that right now!" shouted Molly. "Nephrite is hurt!"

"Arrrrtghhh!" moaned Nephrite.

"Nah he's just faking!" said Melvin kicking him.

"OUCH!" cried Nephrite.

Melvin went to kick Nephrite again but Nephrite grabbed his foot and pulled him to the ground.

"You know, you've got some nerve Melvin!" said Molly angrily. "That man just saved many people's lives, and you're kicking him!"

"I did it for love!" cried Melvin.

"That's not an excuse!" Molly yelled.

"Look Molly, take this teddy bear I bought you!" Melvin offered. But he reached in the wrong pocket and accidentally pulled out the break pedal he stole.

"MELVIN!"

"Uh oh," said Melvin.

"You tried to kill us both just for me to go to prom with you?!"

"NO!" denied Melvin.

"Aww, cause that would have been romantic."

"D'OH!" yelled Melvin.

"Alright, here's the deal," said Molly. "Nephrite saved a bunch of innocent people, and that's a pretty attractive thing to do. But Melvin has passion! I can't choose on my own, so I'll let you guys choose!"

"How would we do that?" Nephrite asked, getting out from under the car finally.

"A fight to the death!" declared Molly. "The winner gets me as their prom date!"

"Aww sweet!" said Nephrite. "We should have done this from the beginning."

"Uh oh," said Melvin. "Can I call in my stunt double?"

"No stunt doubles!" yelled Molly. "Fight!"

"We need an arena," said Melvin, stalling the best he could.

"I'll make one," offered Nephrite.

"No no no, you'll just make it so you have an advantage!"

"At this point, there's no way for me not to have an advantage," scoffed Nephrite.

"Let's duel at Tokyo Tower!" decided Molly. She warped them both to Tokyo Tower.

"WTF?" said Melvin. "How'd you do that?"

Inside, bleachers were already set up.

On one side, were all the Shitennou and Beryl. "GO NEPHRITE!" read the poster that Jadeite was holding. "BOO NEPHRITE!" read Zoisite's poster. Youmas were also there cheering on Nephrite.

On the other side, were the Sailor Scouts, Rei's grandpa, and Melvin's unnamed school friends. "YOU CAN DO IT MELVIN!"

"On my mark, the fight will begin!" called Molly.

Melvin tried to make a break for it but Molly warped him back. "3...2...1... FIGHT!"

Nephrite summoned a sword and charged Melvin at light speed.

Out of sheer desperation, Melvin threw a wild fried shrimp.

It flew straight into Nephrite's opened mouth that had been opened because he was screaming a battle cry. He starting choking. "COUGH I'M DYING!" He yelled.

Melvin helped him out and started doing the Heimlich maneuver.

"Don't do it!" yelled the Sailor Scouts and Zoisite.

"Oh don't be like that!" said Melvin. "We may have our differences, but I wouldn't want him to actually be harmed!"

As soon as Nephrite was able to breathe again, he stared at Melvin. "You... you saved me!"

"Yep!" said Melvin with a kind smile.

"FOOL!" yelled Nephrite. He backhanded Melvin so hard that he faded from existence.

"Oh Nephrite, I knew you could do it!" said Molly running into his arms.

"Gosh darn it," said Zoisite leaving in a huff.

"Time to go buy our prom tickets!" Molly said gleefully as her and Nephrite flew to the school.

* * *

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, ONLY STUDENTS AT THIS HIGH SCHOOL CAN ATTEND THE PROM!?"

"It is what it is," said the principle. "We can't have grown men taking 16 (at this point) year olds to prom, can we?"

"Hey, I just graduated recently!" objected Nephrite.

"How old are you, sir?" the principle asked.

"...16!"

"Hmm," said the principle. He reached in Nephrite's pocket and pulled out a carton of liquor.

Nephrite was sent to jail, despite his constant hollering that he was old enough to drink by a couple thousand years.

With no options left, Molly went to prom with Melvin. 20 minutes in, he over exerted himself dancing, and passed out and had to go home.

Molly turned lesbian and finished the night dancing with Makoto AKA the gay Sailor Scout!

* * *

"Queen Beryl, I have bad news," said Jadeite returning with his head down.

"Oh boy, don't tell me there's an 11th Sailor Scout to contend with," Beryl sighed.

"Well there is Chibi Chibi, but she doesn't really count," replied Jadeite. "No, the bad news is that I was unable to gather energy from humans' feeling bad for themselves. As soon as they saw me, they stopped feeling bad for themselves and instead felt bad for me."

"That's really a shame," said Beryl.

"Yep," said Jadeite, feeling sorry for himself.

"Wait a minute," thought Beryl. "I can use this!"

She took Jadeite's self pity energy. There was a TON of it! It was enough to feed Metalia for 30 years.

THE END.


	67. Jadeite's Seed Of Hope

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Ye?" asked Beryl.

"I realized that humans aren't the only things with energy!"

"Oh here we go," sighed Beryl. "So you're finally throwing in the towel?"

"Not by a long shot!" exclaimed Jadeite. "It's just that, PLANTS have energy too!"

"Go on..."

"I'm going to grow a forest right here at the North Pole! Then I will use it for energy!"

"Jadeite, are you stupid?" asked Queen Beryl. "Nevermind, I already know the answer."

"I'm not stupid, I'm a dreamer!" vowed Jadeite.

"Jadeite no matter how hard you dream, you can't grow a forest at the North Pole!" Beryl shouted.

"You'll see! You'll all see!" screamed Jadeite, running outside to initiate his plan.

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Zoisite entering. "I think I'm pregnant!"

"Shut up Zoisite. You know you always do this stuff. You just can't handle Jadeite getting all the attention."

"No Queen Beryl I'm serious! I took a pregnancy test! Look!"

"That's a popsicle stick Zoisite. Get out of my sight."

"D'oh," said Zoisite. "Does this mean you won't be giving me money for a baby shower?"

Queen Beryl started shooting at him and he had to flee.

* * *

Nephrite strolled up through the North Pole to the Negaverse entrance.

"I mean I could have teleported, but I figured I'd take my time. The sooner I return to Beryl, the sooner she yells at me for not having energy. No thank you!"

Nephrite looked around desperately for something to stall him from the verbal beatdown he was about to get.

That's when he spotted Jadeite laying in the snow in a parka.

"Jadeite what are you doing?" asked Nephrite.

"I'm watching to see when this sapling will sprout!" said Jadeite.

"Umm... this is the North Pole. Plants don't grow here."

"They do if you BELIIIEVE!" Jadeite swore.

"No," said Nephrite. "It's too cold and the soil isn't fertile. Why don't you get up off the ground and come inside, I'll make you some hot cocoa."

"Gosh Nephrite," replied Jadeite. "Any other day I'd run at the opportunity to have some of your bad cocoa, but not today! Today I will prove Beryl wrong and grow a forest here!"

Nephrite sighed. "Suit yourself." He went inside, muttering "WEIRDO," loud enough for Jadeite to hear.

"He doesn't know anything!" yelled Jadeite to the sky. "With enough love and hope anything can grow anywhere!"

Jadeite began singing to his seed. "You can grow~~~~ You can bloom~~~~~ I believe in you~~~~~~~~~"

* * *

4 weeks passed.

"You... can... grow~~~~~~," Jadeite groaned in exhaustion.

"Is he still out there?" Kunzite asked in shock, looking through the window with hot cocoa in his hand.

"I... I almost feel bad for the guy," said Zoisite. "And I don't feel bad for anyone!"

"Jadeite is a fool," said Nephrite. "I told him it wouldn't work!"

Jadeite spotted the three of them watching him judgementally through the window.

"I STILL BELIEVE!" he yelled in their direction, coughing and shivering.

"Make him come inside!" yelled Beryl. "He's weeks behind on his work!"

"We can't," Nephrite told her. "He's too determined."

"Grr... Then I guess you three will have to take up his workload!"

"Beryl please!" begged Zoisite. "No one deserves to have to do Jadeite's work!"

"No excuses!" yelled Beryl. "Zoisite, start sweeping!"

"D'oh!"

"Kunzite, you'll take out the trash!"

"You want me to take out Jadeite already?"

"Don't sass me!"

"Yes m'Queen," said Kunzite.

"And Nephrite..." began Beryl.

"Uh oh," said Nephrite.

"Start cooking my DINNER!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Nephrite.

* * *

Another week passed.

Jadeite was almost dead from hypothermia despite his magical powers.

"YOU CAN DO IT SPROUTS!" he begged, trying to reattach his limbs.

"I refuse to do Jadeite's work any longer!" yelled Kunzite, taking out yet another bag of trash. "What's even in this!?"

He pulled open the bag. It was all of Zoisite's diaries.

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Kunzite. "Why is Zoisite's stuff in the garbage?"

"I figured I might as well get rid of it BEFORE I kill him! That way there's no work to do when he's gone!"

"Queen Beryl!" cried Kunzite.

"Oh and while you're taking out the garbage, here are a few bins of rocks to throw away!"

Kunzite grumbled incoherently.

"Let's try to ask Jadeite to give up," decided Zoisite, realizing they were out of options.

"It won't work," Nephrite told him and Kunzite. "I saw the hope in his eyes. He won't give up until he's dead."

"I can make that happen..." Kunzite said slyly.

"Oh no you don't!" shouted Beryl. "I've been waiting thousands of years to kill him! Don't steal this from me!"

Zoisite and Kunzite stormed outside while Nephrite protested about Jadeite's determination.

"Jadeite!" yelled Zoisite. "You'll never amount to anything! Call it quits while you still have one hand left!"

"NEVER!" screamed Jadeite as his other hand fell off.

"Jadeite you are nothing and you will always be nothing!" shouted Kunzite.

"STOP!" cried Nephrite. "You're only making him more determined!"

"Exactly!" added Jadeite.

Zoisite kicked him and a chunk of his hair fell off. "Come on, this is ridiculous!"

"I will never surrender!" declared Jadeite. "So you can either try and fail to slow me down, or you can help me!"

"Well, we don't have any other options," decided Kunzite. "So let's grow a forest at the North Pole!"

"Nope," said Zoisite. "I'm not doing this."

Then he had a sudden mood swing. "But his determination is beautiful! Let's help him!"

"That was weird," said Kunzite. "It's like he's pregnant or something."

"Impossible!" scoffed Nephrite.

"So how do we grow a forest?" Zoisite wondered.

"Well let's start with actually watering the plants." Kunzite pulled out a pale of water, and poured it on the seed. The water froze in mid-air before reaching the seed.

"This'll never do," said Zoisite. "We must change the climate!"

He shot fire everywhere, but then he accidentally hit an iceberg.

"Shit!"

The iceberg melted all at once, and a huge tsunami came flying at them.

"NO!" cried Jadeite, jumping on the seed to protect it.

The other three flew to the top of the giant wave, but then a big piece of ice bobbed out and swatted them all down. They were all at the bottom now drowning.

"Must... not... abandon... seed of hope!" gurgled Jadeite.

"WHAT DO WE DO NOW!?" screamed Nephrite.

"It's simple really," began Kunzite. But then all the water froze again and they were frozen in a huge chunk of ice.

* * *

1,000 years later, a group of scientists wandered up to their ice chunk.

"I think there's something frozen down there!" one of them said.

They pulled out their shovels and began excavating.

* * *

Five years later, they pulled out Jadeite.

"This is quite an odd specimin!" said one of the scientists.

"It must be some early neanderthal!"

"HEY!" yelled Jadeite unthawing. "We can't all be attractive scientists like you guys now, can we!"

The scientists all screamed and ran away.

"Dang," said Jadeite. "I was frozen for a long time. So is that what an eternal sleep feels like?"

Then he rememberd something.

"OH NO! THE SEED!"

He began digging down with his bare hands.

He passed the Shitennou on the way down but ignored their frozen corpses.

"SEED!" he cried. "Oh no, you're completely frozen! I have to give you mouth to mouth!"

Jadeite started licking the ground.

"WTF ARE YOU DOING!?" barked Nephrite, who had finally unthawed.

"YOU BASTARD!" yelled Zoisite. "Were you just going to leave us?"

"Quiet guys, you're scaring him!" Jadeite scolded, trying to comfort the seed.

"Sorry," said Kunzite.

"Come on seed buddy! Stay with me!" begged Jadeite. He pulled out the jaws of life and gave the seed a shock. Its heart started beating again.

"Phew," said Jadeite. "That was a close one."

He turned to the Shitennou who were glaring angrily at him.

"Oh hey guys! When did you all unthaw?"

They started beating down Jadeite. Finally after giving him a sufficient beatdown, they got tired and took a break.

"So I've done some calculations," said Jadeite, crawling to his feet. "It appears the climate has gotten even worse in the past 1000 years! Now it's even harder to grow a forest in the North Pole!"

"What happened to global warming?" Nephrite asked.

"Nephrite pls," said Jadeite. "Everyone knows that's a myth.

"So what do we do?" Zoisite asked.

"Hmm," said Jadeite. "If the Earth's poles were just... somewhere else, maybe it wouldn't be so cold up here!"

"Why don't we just grow the forest somewhere else?" Kunzite asked.

"Kunzite pls," said Jadeite. "It's too late to turn back now."

"FINE!" screamed Nephrite. He physically picked up the pole and moved it to the equator.

The Earth's climate was set amuck, especially since Nephrite didn't move the other pole.

Everyone in Tokyo froze to death, except for Gramps who had a bunker ready.

* * *

"QUICK REI GET IN!" cried Gramps.

"Wait, what about Chad?" asked Rei.

"No time!" yelled Gramps.

They ran into the shelter.

Right as they were closing the door, Chad ran up and put his foot in to stop it.

"WAIIIT UP BRAHHHH!" he yelled.

"No time!" repeated Gramps, pushing him out and slamming the door.

Chad froze to death. His last words were "This is kinda chilly shyaaaa yaaaa brAHHHHHHH!"

* * *

The North Pole began to shake, even though it was no longer the North Pole.

"WHAT'S GOING ON!?" yelled Kunzite.

"The Earth is repositioning!" Jadeite explained.

There was a loud thud, like gears clicking together, and then the ice started to melt.

"IT's A MIRACLE!" cried Jadeite skipping around.

A huge rainbow formed in the sky and all the ice melted.

"Dang," said Kunzite. "I don't know what to believe anymore."

"Here's what to believe," said Jadeite. "With enough determination to prove someone wrong, anything is possible!"

"Umm, guys?" interrupted Zoisite. "Sorry to rain on your parade, well not really, but it appears the ground is still just sand."

"Oh haha, right!" remembered Jadeite. "Despite all the ice, the North Pole is pretty much a desert!"

Nephrite and Kunzite facepalmed but their hands stuck to their faces because they hadn't completely unthawed yet. Zoisite was still blowdrying the ice out of his hair.

Jadeite started pacing around. "What to do... what to do..."

"Give up?" tried Kunzite yet again.

"NEVERRRRRRRRRRR!"

"Ok, you didn't have to scream in my face," complained Kunzite. "I was only trying to help."

"I must consult my ancient Mesopotamian ancestors!" decided Jadeite.

"We're from space, I think," said Kunzite.

"No, no," said Nephrite. "We're from the Moon!"

"Then how did we get to the Moon for the Moon Kingdom raid if we're already from there?" Kunzite challenged.

"Wait no, we're from the Earth," declared Nephrite. "Yeah, we were Endymion's guardians, and he was Earth's prince!"

"That's just gibberish," scoffed Jadeite. "I would have remembered that. Anyway... Stars, grant me the power to speak to the ancient Mesopotamians!"

"WTF?!" cried Nephrite. "THOSE ARE MY STARS!"

"I don't see your name on them!" argued Jadeite.

"But-" tried Nephrite.

"SHHH!" Jadeite shushed.

"Ugh, I feel sick," moaned Zoisite.

"Zoisite this story isn't about you, go away!" yelled Jadeite.

Mesopotamian Jadeite appeared.

"Hello, space Jadeite!"

"See, he knew!" Jadeite taunted.

Nephrite slugged Jadeite.

"Guys, in order to grow the forest, you must have irrigation canals!" explained Mesopotamian Jadeite.

"Huh?" everyone asked.

"Just have water flowing in, like small rivers to moisten the soil!"

"But we don't have soil!" they all cried.

"Then go buy some!"

"Oooooh," they realized.

"Cya!" said Mesopotamian Jadeite, flying off into space.

"I'll be back," said Kunzite.

He flew off to buy ten million bags of soil.

"Meanwhile," began Jadeite. "Let's work on those litigation canyons!"

"Irrigation canals," corrected Nephrite.

"Eat shit Sherlock!" shouted Jadeite.

He began digging paths all throughout the sand. Finally, the potential rivers were finished.

"I'm back!" yelled Kunzite, dumping his bags of soil from the sky and covering up Jadeite's progress.

"D'oh, we should have made the canals after we did the soil!" Jadeite said facepalming. "Well I did my part, Nephrite and Zoisite should tag in and do this round of canals!"

"I can't," objected Zoisite. "I just got a manicure!"

"Same," lied Nephrite.

"OBJECTION!" yelled Jadeite. "Your nails are awful, get to work!" he said kicking Nephrite towards the soil.

"WHY I OUGHTTA!" yelled Nephrite.

He dug out all the canals.

"Damn should have used magic," he said when he was done.

"NOW BRING IN THE WATER!" instructed Nephrite.

"I'll be back," said Kunzite.

"Now we wait," Nephrite sighed.

"But seriously though I think I need to go to the hospital," said Zoisite.

"OMG ZOISITE I'm trying to grow a forest here! My seeds don't need your negativity!" barked Jadeite.

Kunzite reappeared. "I bought a bunch of water bottles!"

"WHy WaTeR BOTtLES?!" screamed Nephrite.

"I figured the forest would need purified spring water to get it poppin!" explained Kunzite.

"I agree!" said Jadeite. "But I would have preferred if you had gotten Fiji water instead..."

Kunzite glared at him and dropped the hundreds of cartons of water bottles down with a thud.

"Let's start filling up these figuration canals!" declared Jadeite.

Jadeite started pealing the plastic off the first case. He uncapped the first bottle and poured it down. The water instantly dissolved into the soil.

"This is going to be a long night," remarked Jadeite.

* * *

Three months later...

Jadeite laid in the soil. The rushing rivers rolled by, and birds chirped. "Any minute now, it will sprout!"

"You've been saying that for three months!" cried Kunzite in exasperation. "It simply won't work!"

"That's two things in this house that won't work!" responded Jadeite.

"WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!?"

"SHHH!" said Jadeite suddenly, his eyes growing huge. He put his head against the ground. "Do you hear that?"

"No," said Zoisite.

"No, listen!"

Everyone was silent. Then Jadeite gasped. "It's happening!"

"What's happening?" Nephrite asked.

"IT!"

They were silent for another five hours. Then, there was a very quiet rustling.

"Wait for it... wait for it... wait for it..." whispered Jadeite.

Then to everyone's amazement, a single sprout popped out of the soil!

"GASP!" gasped everyone.

Within seconds, it grew into a full tree, sending Jadeite, who's head was on top of it, flying.

The tree called to the other seeds, telling them it was time. Trees popped up everywhere.

"RUUUUN!" cried Kunzite.

He started teleporting frantically as trees popped up everywhere he teleported.

"OOF!" he cried getting smacked with a tree.

Nephrite was sprinting on the ground, but a tree popped up and he ran face first into it.

"IT'S BEAUTIFUL!" cried Jadeite as tears fell from his eyes. "I BELIEVED IN IT AND IT HAPPENED!"

He floated in the sky as his tears of determination fell to Earth. The tears made the forest grow even faster, and soon the entire North Pole region was consumed with forest.

"I couldn't have done it without you guys," said Jadeite, still crying tears of joy.

"Gee thanks!" said Zoisite crying as well. "I'm sorry, I've been emotional lately."

"I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the trees!" said Jadeite.

"Gosh darn," growled Nephrite. "Well at least now we don't have to do Jadeite's chores.

Suddenly Zoisite started panicking. "OK GUYS NOW I REALLY NEED TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL!"

Jadeite frowned. "Not one moment. You can't me have one moment?"

"No I think he's really sick," said Kunzite.

They rushed him to the hospital while Jadeite threw a temper tantrum.

"We found the cause of the problem," said a doctor.

"Attention snatching?" asked Jadeite.

"Nope he's in labor."

"?" said Kunzite. "?...?...?"

Beryl ran into the hospital. "WHAT's GOING ON!"

"Well," said Nephrite. "Not only did Jadeite's determination to prove you wrong cause that forest to grow, but it appears that Zoisite's determination to prove you wrong caused him to get pregnant!"

"WTFFFFFF!" cried Beryl.

"WTFFFFFF!" cried Kunzite. "I'm not ready to be a father!"

"Ok we took the baby out," said the doctor.

"How?" wondered Nephrite.

"The less you know the better," said the doctor. "So yeah... It's a beautiful baby boy!"

They handed it to Kunzite and he went to look at his baby. But then he gasped.

"This... this baby has Beryl's face!"

"Whatttt?!" asked Beryl with fake confusion.

"Beryl..." Kunzite began slowly. "What did you do to my boyfriend?!"

"Well you see I hadn't been with my love Mamoru for some time and then-"

Beryl teleported away.

She teleported back and took the baby. "I'll name you Mamo Jr.!"

She took off again.

"Welp, looks like all's well that ends well," concluded Nephrite.

"Yep my forest grew beautifully!" added Jadeite.

"Beryl did horrible things to me," noted Zoisite.

"D'aww and I was so ready to be a father!" lied Kunzite.

Beryl teleported back again. "Oh and by the way, while Zoisite is recovering and on... maternity leave? Paternity leave? You all will do his chores!"

"Gosh darn," said Kunzite.

"Oh boy more chores!" said Jadeite enthusiastically.

But when they got home, their base had been taken over by the forest. It was no more. They built a tree house and lived happily ever after with baby Mamo Jr.

FIN


	68. Grandpa's Folly

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"That's great Jadeite! But wait a minute..." began Beryl. "Something seems... different about you!"

"What do you mean?" said 'Jadeite.'

"I don't know, something's just off!"

'Jadeite' fled from the room.

"That was a close one!" huffed Rei's Gramps, adjusting his Jadeite wig. "She was almost on to me!"

Then Grandpa looked up at the camera. "Wondering how and why I stole Jadeite's identity? Well, it all started on a Sunday afternoon..."

* * *

"Hey, I'm your new temple worker, Jed!" said Jadeite.

"Hmm," thought Grandpa. "That's Jadeite from the Negaverse! I can use this opportunity!"

"Right this way, 'Jed,'" said Gramps. He led Jadeite into his basement.

"What is this place?" began Jadeite.

Gramps hit him over the head and locked him in the basement.

He stole his Negaverse uniform and took a blonde wig from his upstairs closet. "I'll be back for you in a week or so ;D" winked Grandpa. Then he set off for the North Pole.

* * *

"So that's how I'm here," concluded Gramps, finishing his monologue. "And can you guess why I'm here? I'm not sure yet, but with all the attractive people around here I'm sure to score as this handsome fellow Jadeite!"

Nephrite walked down the hall.

"Hey handsome," called Grandpa-Jadeite.

"Umm, Jadeite, I thought we talked about this," Nephrite said disturbed.

"Why yes, I remember sonny," lied Gramps.

"Are you feeling okay, Jadeite? You look about a hundred years older! And tan for some reason!"

"Yep I'm doing diddly dandy! Say, wanna hook up?" Gramps asked.

"I told you it was over!" cried Nephrite leaving.

"Dang!" yelled Grandpa slapping his knee. "I was so close..."

Grandpa wandered around the Negaverse. He noticed a giant castle in the distance.

"Hmm, better check it out!" he decided. He climbed the cliff for three hours and reached the top. He knocked on the door.

"Coming!" screamed Kunzite from inside.

He opened the door in an apron, holding a spatula.

"Oh. Jadeite," he said shutting the door.

But Grampa slipped through the mail slot.

He snuck past Kunzite and sat down at the dinner table across from Zoisite.

"Oh hey Kunzite, the food's done already?" he asked looking up. "AHHHH GRANDPA WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" cried Zoisite.

"I'm not Grandpa, it's me, Jedi!"

"You mean... Jadeite...?"

"Sure," replied Grandpa.

"Jadeite why are you here?" Zoisite demanded.

"Nevermind that," scoffed Gramps. "Are you seeing anyone?"

"Yes," responded Zoisite. "I live here with my boyfriend."

Grandpa sighed. "A woman of your beauty is too good for a man like him."

Zoisite slapped him and left the room.

Kunzite sat down with food, seconds after he left. "Where did Zoisite go?"

"I'm Zoisite," said Grandpa.

"No, you're Jadeite!" objected Kunzite.

"No, I'm Grandpa!"

"Huh?"

"I mean.. yeah, I'm Jadeite!"

"Umm... so why are you in my house eating my food?" Kunzite wanted to know. "I thought I closed the door on you?"

"You can't keep out a Jedi!" taunted Gramps.

He started licking Kunzite's plate.

"Do you mind?" barked Kunzite angrily.

"Yes."

"..."

Kunzite tried to finish his noodles. But suddenly Grandpa started slupring up the other end of his noodles, nearly pulling him in for a kiss.

"Jadeite... you're acting weird," noted Kunzite.

"Nah it's nothing. These are just some good noodles! Wanna try my good noodle? ;D" winked Grandpa suggestively.

"Jadeite I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"No."

"Jadeite..."

Kunzite went to throw Jadeite-Grandpa out the window. But Grandpa over-powered him. He tied Kunzite up and locked him in the fridge.

Then Grandpa went upstairs to the bedroom and turned off the lights.

"Hey Kunzite!" said Zoisite happily. "That was awful, wasn't it?"

"Yep, that Jedi is sure a loser," agreed Gramps.

"Come in bed, let's snuggle!" encouraged Zoisite.

"Aww yea!" shouted Gramps.

Gramps jumped in the bed.

"Oh... Kunzite! So we're doing that now? Yeet!"

* * *

2 minutes later...

"Kunzite that was so much fun!"

"Thanks Jadeite," said Grandpa. "Shit, I mean.. umm who are you again, young lady?"

Zoisite turned on the light.

He found himself face to face with Jadeite-Gramps.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAUGHGHGHGHGUGHGHGJGUFGAHSGJAERJAERJGAERAWEGJE!" cried Zoisite.

His head combusted.

"LOLOLOLOL LMAOOOOOO!" laughed Gramps hopping out the window.

The door swung open and Kunzite ran in.

"What happened?!"

"Oh Kunzite it was awful!" cried Zoisite.

"D'awww," said Kunzite sympathetically. "But come on, I'll make you forget all about it!"

* * *

40 seconds later...

"Gee Kunzite you're such a good time!" commended Zoisite.

"Thanks young woman," replied Kunzite. "I try!"

"Wait what?" gasped Zoisite.

He turned on the light again.

He found himself face to face with Jadeite-Gramps.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he started crying.

Grandpa jumped out of bed again. "LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

He lept out the window.

* * *

Finally the real Kunzite came rushing in. He was frozen solid.

"Zoisite what happened?!"

"YOU CAN'T TRICK ME AGAIN YOU BASTARD!" cried Zoisite, shooting fire at Kunzite.

"AHHH WHY!?" cried Kunzite.

"TAKE OFF THAT MASK!" screamed Zoisite.

He started slugging Kunzite and clawing at his face to get his mask off. But there was none.

"Heh heh..."

"Zoisite what happened?!" yelled Gramps running in again.

He saw Kunzite was already in there and immediately fled.

They chased him but he ran all the way back to Beryl.

"Queen Beryl!" he exclaimed panting and trying to regain composure.

"JADEITE!" barked Beryl. "Next time I see you, you better have that energy! Or I'll kill you!"

"Okey dokey!" said Gramps. "Hey anyway, are you single?"

"Jadeite how dare you mock me!" screeched Beryl.

"Relax babe it was just a question. If you're ever available, just hit me up at the temple!"

"The temple?" asked Beryl confused.

"Oh yeah that reminds me! Crap, I hope that guy didn't die yet!"

Jadeite-Gramps took his leave.

"Don't forget my warning!" called Beryl as he left.

* * *

Gramps rushed into his basement.

He looked around for any signs of Jadeite. "Where did that guy go?!" he wondered in shock. "I had so many fun things planned for us to do!"

But what Gramps didn't know was that Jadeite had wriggled free of his restraints and was crouching to the side, ready to pounce.

Gramps was about to retreat, when Jadeite charged him like a wild elephant.

He clobbered Gramps down and took back his uniform. He fled to the North Pole while Gramps chased after him clothes-less.

Gramps got arrested. He did 3 months in jail because this was not his first offense.

* * *

When Jadeite returned to the Negaverse entrance, Kunzite and Zoisite were waiting for him outside.

"Hey friends!" said Jadeite.

"So," began Kunzite menacingly, "You think you can just make a move on my boyfriend and live to tell the story?"

"Huh?" asked Jadeite. "No, he's just my friend!"

"I'm not your friend!" yelled Zoisite charging him.

Jadeite was able defend himself against Zoisite's wrath but Kunzite ran up from behind and delivered a devastating blow.

"AUUUUUGH!" cried Jadeite.

They both pummeled him until he was a pile of rubble.

Jadeite crawled into the Negaverse.

"Oh, Nephrite!" he said with relief upon spotting his only ally. "At least I can always count on your kindness!"

"Here to hit on me again, huh ya creep!?" barked Nephrite. He slugged Jadeite in the gut.

Jadeite fell to the ground. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?!" he cried. "I haven't hit on you since the Silver Millennium!"

"Save it for the dogs!" shouted Nephrite, leaving.

"WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!?"

Nephrite ran back and kicked Jadeite and then left.

Finally Jadeite crawled into Beryl's room.

"Alright Jadeite you must remember my warning, right?"

"Huh?" said Jadeite.

"Don't play games with me. Where is the energy?"

"Oh, uh, I don't have it, but I'll get it sooner or later!"

"NOT GOOD ENOUGH!" screeched Beryl. "I warned you not to return without it! Now sleep forever!"

Jadeite made a wild dash. Right before the eternal sleep attack hit, Grandpa reappared in the nude.

He got hit with eternal sleep.

"Shit!" cried Beryl. "I froze an innocent man!"

She unfroze him.

"BRB!" said Grandpa after he fully unthawed. He ran and crouched behind a pillar.

Three seconds later, Tuxedo Mask appeared.

"I am Tuxedo Mask!" said Tuxedo Grandpa.

"OH BABY!" cried Beryl. "IS IT JUST ME OR ARE WAY HOTTER THAN BEFORE!?"

"It's just you," said Jadeite.

"SILENCE!"

Tuxedo Grandpa picked up Beryl and they flew away.

Grandpa turned and winked at the camera before the screen transitioned to black.

FIN


	69. Chapter 69!

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Wow, me Jadeite!"

"Queen Beryl, what I'm about to tell you will blow your mind!"

"..."

"Guess what chapter this is!"

"Chapter?"

"IT'S CHAPTER 69!"

"Jadeite are you four?" Beryl barked.

"No... I'm 69!"

"Jadeite this is your last warning!"

"Or is it my 69th warning?"

"Jadeite, die!"

Queen Beryl shot an energy blast at Jadeite but he was able to dodge 69 times before she could finish him off.

He died a happy man.

* * *

"Hey Kunzite!" began Zoisite.

"Hey Zoisite ready to go out and party for Saint Patrick's Day?"

"Ye but first, guess what chapter this is ;D"

"Chapter?"

"69!"

"Zoisite..."

"If you know what I mean ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D"

"Zoisite what are you getting at?"

";) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D"

"Are you trying to suggest something?"

";D ;D ;DDDDDD ;DDDDDDDDDDDDD ;DDDDDDDDDDDDDD!"

"Ok well if you're only going to communicate with emoticons then I guess I'm leaving to find the moon princess."

Kunzite left in a huff.

"D'oh," said Zoisite. "Looks like I'll have to go party with... *gag*... Nephrite and Jadeite D:"

* * *

"Hey Nephrite!" yelled Jadeite appearing in Nephrite's house.

"Guess what chapter it is?!" screamed Jadeite, waking him up.

"69," muttered Nephrite angrily.

"Darn," said Jadeite. "Now it's not fun anymore."

"So I take it since you're here on Saint Patrick's Day, you've come to go on a wild drinking spree with me?" Nephrite inferred.

"What? No way! I don't drink!" objected Jadeite. "I won't be able to do my very best at work and earn Beryl's approval!"

"Hate to break it to you kid but..." Nephrite began.

Zoisite appeared. "D: D: D: D: D: D:!" he cried.

"Zoisite the emoticons have gone too far D:!" gasped Jadeite.

"Jadeite you hypocrite!"

"No!" cried Jadeite.

"Ye!" cried Zoisite.

"XD," laughed Nephrite. "Come on boys let's go party!"

* * *

"Wow, me Jadeite!" said Nephrite. "This is good bar!"

"Mr. Goodbar?" Jadeite asked.

"No, this is just a good bar. Give me beer!" cried Nephrite.

"What would you like to order?" asked the bartender, Motoki.

"Well I would like one shot of 100% alcohol."

"That is poison you will die," said Motoki, sweating in fear.

"No son I have built up a tolerance," explained Nephrite.

"...And what would your friends like?"

"I would like one Coca-cola," requested Jadeite.

"Would Pepsi be okay?" asked Motoki.

"Nevermind then. Just get me a ginger ale," sighed Jadeite.

"I want some ROOOOOOOOOOT beer!" exclaimed Zoisite.

"Then you better have brought some cash," sneered Nephrite.

"Nope, I'll just 'borrow' it from you like I do with the rest of the stuff in your house ;D"

Nephrite sighed. "HURRY UP WITH THE BEER SON!" he scolded.

Motoki ran to pour the drinks. He made the intense liquor shot, the ginger ale, and the ROOOOOOOOOT beer.

But then, when he went to fork them over, he panicked. "Shit, who ordered what?!" he exclaimed internally. He did not want the shame of messing up an order. His father would disown him for such a blunder.

He just winged it and passed the beverages out randomly.

Jadeite took a sip of his "ginger ale."

"HOT DIGGITY!" he wailed. "THIS IS SOME HARDCORE GINGER ALE! TRY IT, NEPHRITE!"

"No," barked Nephrite. "I can't allow anything to water down my liquor tonight!" He took a sip of his liquor but unbeknowest to him it was only root beer.

"ZOISITE TRY MY WACKY GINGER WACK!" insisted Jadeite.

"Sure..."

"WOWZERS!" cried Zoisite, smashing whatever he had ordered. "GIVE ME MORE!"

"IT'S ALL EMPTY!" cried Jed. "BARTENEDER!"

The bartender refilled Jed's "ginger ale" with some more straight liquor.

"HOT DIGGITY!" Jadeite repeated.

"WOWZERS!" cried Zoisite.

"MORE!" begged Jadeite.

"Hmm," said Nephrite. "This liquor should have hit me right about now... where's the buzz, yo?"

"HOT DIGGITY!"

"WOWZERS!"

"HOT DIGGITY!"

"WOWZERS!"

Nephrite was getting frustrated. "I usually don't do this but... bartender give me another 20 shots!"

"Of what?" asked Motoki.

"The same!"

Motoki gave him 20 more shots of root beer.

Nephrite guzzled them down. They had no effect.

"HAWT DAWGITY!"

"WOOOOZAHHHS!"

"Hmph," barked Nephrite. "At least you two are having a good time..."

"HET DEGGITY!"

"WUMBAHHH!"

"GRRRR!" growled Nephrite. "40 more!"

"Dang," said Motoki. "This guy is hardcore. I mean not really since it's just rootbeer but in theory."

"HEY ZOISITE!" screamed Jadeite at a stranger. "Butterscotch on your crumpets?"

"Why yes my dear," responded Zoisite, laying on the ping pong table. "And also on my periwinkle!"

"DERGITY!" replied Jadeite, falling over.

Nephrite sat on his stool angrily with his arms crossed. "Can it be?" he thought with great horror. "Have I really grown so accustomed to alcohol that it does nothing to me?"

"Give me a ladder," demanded Jadeite.

"A ladder?"

"A ladder."

Zoisite passed Jadeite a pool cue. Jadeite took it and smashed Nephrite in the hair.

"YAHTZEE!"

"What the hell!?" barked Nephrite, holding his hair tenderly.

"I put the pickle in the penny and pushed it with a peacock," shared Jadeite.

"Say that 12 times fast," challenged Zoisite.

"Pickly packle pickakpickakaka pickaCHUUUUUUUU!"

Jadeite shot Zoisite with a thunderbolt.

"Five can play at that game!" screamed Zoisite, attempting to shoot fire but instead shooting sparkles.

"OMG GLITTAH!" said Jadeite. "Let's make it rain with glitter or even better Nephrite's cars!"

He warped all of Nephrite's cars into the sky and they all fell down to Earth.

"LOOOOLOLOLOLOO!" laughed Jadeite.

A car fell on Grandpa and that is why he never shows his face in season five.

"OMG LETS MAKE A HOT DOG!?" Jadeite shouted with enthusiasm.

"BUT WE DON'T HAVE ANY HOTS!" Zoisite screamed.

"Or dogs?" asked Jadeite.

"No we have cat!"

"Dog?"

"Diggity?"

"Mustard?"

"Tomato?"

"Tomahto!"

They started doing the Waltz. Then they ate a full hotdog and didn't even take a break.

The hot dog was no more, as was Nephrite's fun.

He grumbled incoherently. "Bartender, is this really the strongest stuff you have?"

"Why yes sir," said Motoki. "That is the strongest and only root beer we have."

"ROOT BEER!?" cried Nephrite in blind fury.

He charged Motoki and killed him.

* * *

Meanwhile in Africa...

"Hi I am Reika. Now I am happy," said a random person at the moment of Motoki's death.

* * *

"OMG JeD!" cried Zoisite. "Did u see neprhite eat dat lil man?"

"Nooo I didn't!" Jadeite cried. "Lemme see him do again!"

"Eeet a lil guy!" commanded Zoisite and JAdeite.

"Huh?" questioned Nephrite. But when he knocked the corpse of Motoki off himself, he spotted the actual alcohol that he had so painfully been deprived of all night.

"Just a min," assured Nephrite, eyes filled with determination.

Nephrite drunk an entire barrel of beer.

"You go fat boiiii!" slurred Jadeite.

"Drink that beer liek a ... a beard LOL!" laughed Zoisikte.

"LMAOOOOOOOOOOOO!" laughed Nephrite.

"U eat lil guy yet?" Jed demand.

"I see one!" yell Nephrite with passhion.

"Lmaoooooooo we so drunk we mess up da grammar!" laugh Jed.

"Ye lol let me eat lil man!"

Nephrite picked up a wild leprechaun. "U gone get eat," he told the lil guy.

"NOooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Melvin in his leprauchan outfit.

But Nephrite didn't listen. He ate him. He took his pot of gold as well as his rainbow and gave them to Molly who was forever grateful.

They all went home, of course in a cab because drunk driving and drunk teleporting is wrong.

FIN


	70. Negatale

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Jadeite I swear if it's another human computer game I'm gonna be really mad!"

"Oh nevermind," said Jadeite, closing his laptop and running away.

When he got back to his space he reopened the laptop.

"Time to play Undertale!"

Jadeite began fighting Toriel, a character from the beginning of the game.

He did a single attack. She died.

"NOOOOOOOO!" cried Jadeite. "I wanted to spare her! WAaaaaAAAAAAAaaAAaA!"

"That's it," decided Jadeite, filled with grief and self-loathing. "Now that I can't do the true pacifist route, I'll have to kill everything!"

Jadeite began killing everything.

"This is so much fun!" cried Jadeite. "It's like real life, if I was good!"

The other three Shitennou came into his space.

"Jadeite, what are you doing?" asked Nephrite skeptically.

"I'm playing UNDERTALE!" explained Jadeite.

"What is that?" wondered Zoisite.

"Oh, only the greatest masterpiece to ever grace the internet!"

"Must be lame if you like it..." sneered Zoisite.

"No, because it doesn't have a bad fan base, like FNAF!" Jadeite replied.

"What?" Zoisite asked.

"Only cool kids know what FNAF is," laughed Jadeite.

"Why are you killing that poor doggo?" asked Nephrite.

"Because I'm killing EVERYTHING!"

"Hahaha," laughed Kunzite. "It's like real life, if you were good!"

"Exactly!"

"Let me play!" demanded Nephrite.

"No, I must beat it on my own!"

Nephrite shoved Jadeite to the ground and stole his laptop.

"What's this button do?" Nephrite asked. It read "Mercy."

Nephrite clicked it and then clicked spare.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Jadeite wailed. "Look what you did!"

"I spared an innocent?" Nephrite replied in confusion.

"No you ruined my genocide route!"

Jadeite reset his game in fury.

"Hey Jadeite it says here on the Wiki that you could have just closed the game without saving and tried again," Zoisite informed him.

"Wikipedia isn't a good source to cite!" Jadeite stated confidently.

Zoisite slugged him and then slugged Nephrite snatched the laptop. "My turn!"

He walked down this path with waterfalls. "When can I fight that Undyne guy the people keep talking about?"

Undyne hit him a spear.

"COME AND FIGHT ME YOU COWARD!" yelled Zoisite at the computer.

Undyne hit him with another spear.

"GET OUT HERE!"

He walked onto a bridge. Undyne cut the bridge and he fell into a garbage dump.

"WHAT A PUSS!" Zoisite cried furiously. "I would always fight a fair 1v1, unlike this no life!"

"I don't think so," remarked Nephrite.

"Shut it or I'll send someone else to kill you!"

Finally they got towards the end. Kunzite was barely able to pry the computer away.

"Now I can take my turn at this riveting game!"

Kunzite went up the elevator in the core, and appeared in a city.

"Alright, exciting adventure, here we go!"

He started walking through the castle city. He kept walking. "Ok... when do I get to fight something..."

He continued walking. He walked some more.

Then he was in some house.

"OMG!" cried Jadeite. "Ok so you wouldn't know this cuz you weren't here at the beginning, but that's the same house from the beginning! This is a major plot point!"

"What does it mean?!" demanded Nephrite, way too involved.

"Well it says here on the Wiki-" began Zoisite.

"NO GET OFF THERE!" barked Jadeite, breaking Zoisite's iPad.

"Does it mean I will fight someone soon?!" Kunzite cried in frustration. "This purple hall isn't ending! The scenery isn't even moving because of poor graphics, am I going anywhere or is the character just moving its feet?!"

He finally got to a door. "Oh boy maybe something will happen!"

He entered a hall with stained glass windows. "Oh boy a change of scenery!"

He encountered a skeleton man with a blue jacket.

"OMG!" cried Jadeite. "It's Sans! This is where he judges you!"

"Heya," said Sans.

Suddenly he jumped Kunzite and they were in a fight.

"WHAT?!" yelled Jadeite. "THIS ISN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!? OMG WE MUst HAVE UNLOCKED SOMETHING NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT BY KILLING EVERYTHING! WE NEED TO TELL EVERYONE OF OUR DISCOVERY!"

"Yeah," agreed Nephrite. "I'm sure no one has ever been as cruel or as evil as we are, and killed everything!"

"It's a beautiful day outside," said Sans. "Birds are chirping, flowers are blooming..."

"This is so gay!" whined Kunzite. "WHEN DO I GET TO FIGHT?!"

"On days like this, kids like you..."

"OMG!" Kunzite complained again.

"Should be burning in Hell!"

"WHAT?!" gasped Kunzite. "Is he allowed to say that?!"

Sans instantly killed Kunzite with his first attack.

"What the fuUUUUUUAWEfWEFWejfwoeioeio!" Kunzite wailed. "I finally get in a fight, and that happens!"

"Maybe it's because your bad," inferred Nephrite.

"Why don't you try then?"

"I gladly will!"

"I think it's over forever guys," Jadeite figured. "There's no way he'll fight you again, I'm sure that was just a one time Easter egg."

"It's not Easter, bozo," said Zoisite.

"That's not-"

"Can it, I'm taking a turn!"

"I wanted to try!" barked Nephrite. "I called it!"

"Call yourself, son!"

"WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!?"

Zoisite hopped up to the plate.

"Don't give up hope, Coolboi Jed!" the game read.

"You named your character Coolboi Jed?" Kunzite asked.

"Hey man don't judge."

Zoisite entered the Sans fight.

"If I'm correct, I've beat you once already!" Sans mocked.

"HOW DOES HE KNOW THAT?!" cried Zoisite. "THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN! HE'S A MONSTER! A FREAK OF NATURE!"

Sans insta-killed Zoisite. Zoisite managed to get one dodge before Sans finished him off for good.

"I'm taking my turn now," declared Nephrite. "And I won't stop until I beat him!"

* * *

"If I'm correct," said Sans. "I've beaten you 384 times!"

Nephrite's eye twitched. He took a deep breath. He was ready.

Sans fired his first attack. Nephrite knew the attack and all the hit boxes by now. He dodged.

"OMG!" everyone gasped.

"Ok, I have to be incredibly careful about choosing my next move," realized Nephrite, panting. "It's the first time I've actually gotten to where the music starts playing, I can't fail now!"

As Nephrite contemplated whether he should do an action or an attack, his hearts started going down rapidly.

"WHAT THE HELL!? HE CAN'T ATTACK ME WHILE I PICK A MOVE!"

But Sans didn't listen. Right when Nephrite was down to 10 HP, he finally picked an attack.

It missed.

"Do you think I'm just gonna stand there and take it?" asked Sans.

"I was hoping so!"

"Well you hoped wrong!"

"Wait wtf?!" gasped Nephrite when Sans directly responded to him.

Sans threw his next move, a Gaster Blaster, and Nephrite had no hope. He died.

"GRRRRRRRRR!" he roared.

* * *

"That was rough," said Jadeite, launching up the game again after getting dunked on for the 899th time. "But I have... DETERMINATION!" he said, nudging Kunzite.

Kunzite backhanded him. His eyes were bloodshot. "I'm not in the mood!"

Jadeite whimpered sadly. He approached Sans yet again.

"I'm making you pretty mad, huh Jedy?" Sans mocked.

"Hey wait a minute," said Jadeite disturbed. "That's not what I named my character!"

"Jadeite, you're a sack of garbage!"

"WTF!" Jadeite cried, getting genuinely afraid.

Sans chuckled at Jadeite's fear. "Why are you here fighting me, when you could be getting hit by a plane?"

Jadeite gasped.

"I must be hallucinating," said Jadeite desperately. "I've been playing too long."

He passed the computer to Nephrite.

"Man Nephrite, you're even worse than Jadeite!" mocked Sans.

"HUH!?"

"At least Jadeite doesn't try to date minors, like Molly!"

"Who told you about my Molly!" Nephrite screamed at the game.

Zoisite peaked over Nephrite's shoulder and yelled at the computer screen. "I've had about enough of you, Sans!"

"Yeah, this guy has crossed the line," agreed Kunzite, leaning over Nephrite's other shoulder.

"Oh look who finally decided to show up!" taunted Sans. "It's Gay 1 and Gay 2!"

"WAHT?!" they both gasped. "He does he know our sexuality?!"

"It's not to hard to tell," laughed Sans.

Jadeite couldn't take it anymore. He was going to go insane.

He grabbed a chair from the corner of his empty space and charged the computer. "I MUST END THIS!"

He smashed the screen.

"Phew, that got rid of him!" Jadeite said relieved.

Suddenly the broken computer screen lit up with white light. A skeletal hand stuck out.

"no no no No No NO NO NO NO!"

Sans jumped out of the computer.

"Heya!"

He pulled them all into a battle arena.

Kunzite charged like a wild man. He summoned a sword and leapt into the air. He slashed at Sans but Sans side-stepped like he does in game.

Sans stuck his hand out to Kunzite, and his eye glowed blue.

Kunzite started glowing blue too.

Sans shot out his hand and Kunzite went flying across the room into a wall like a toy.

Sans swept his arm to the other side, and Kunzite hit into the other wall. He started bouncing Kunzite around the room.

"Stop!" cried Zoisite. He charged Sans while he thought he was distracted, but Sans turned around and saw him coming. He threw Kunzite directly at him and they both flew into the ceiling and fell to the ground in a pile.

"Everything is ruled by the stars," chanted Nephrite, charging up an energy blast. He shot it but Sans teleported behind him.

"Shit!" exclaimed Jadeite. "An opponent that can finally teleport like us!"

Sans shot a huge wall of bones out of the ground and in their direction.

Nephrite and Jadeite ran for their lives. They were so busy looking back at the wall as they ran that they didn't notice a second wall forming in front of them.

Sans closed in the walls and squashed them.

Then he did something unprecedented. Both his eyes lit up blue.

With each hand, he telepathically made Nephrite and Jadeite turn blue, and then threw them both back and forth into the walls.

"THIS ISN'T FUN ANYMORE!" cried Jadeite.

"It was never really fun," said Nephrite thoughtfully, before hitting the wall again.

Kunzite crawled over to Sans with the sword he had made, and rose up behind him.

"This is for calling me Gay 2!" he screamed, swinging the sword down passionately.

Sans side-stepped.

"D'oh," said Kunzite. He fell down, as he had used his last drop of energy on that attack.

Sans was starting to get exhausted from sending Nephrite and Jadeite flying around for 20 minutes.

His movements got slower, and finally he set them on the ground.

"You know what," said Sans.

Zoisite tried to lift a single finger, but Sans formed a Gaster Blaster and burnt him to a crisp.

"You know what," repeated Sans. "One of these turns you're just gonna kill me..."

"I doubt it," said Jadeite. "We're really bad, and we're getting weaker faster than you are."

"Can it!" cried Nephrite.

"You know what I'm gonna do?" said Sans. "I'm gonna use my special attack."

"OH NO," began Kunzite. "OHHHHH NO!"

"Here it is," said Sans. Nothing happened.

The Shitennou looked at each other.

"If I don't attack, then it will never be your turn. If it's never your turn, you can't defeat me."

"Actually," said Jadeite.

Nephrite slugged him.

"Jokes on you," said Zoisite trying to lift another finger. "I don't wait for my turn!"

He finally got a burst of strength and charged.

Sans' eye lit up and Zoisite warped back to his place.

He tried charging again, but Sans just warped him back.

"D'oh, I thought if anyone would have been good at not playing by the rules, it would have been me. Oh well, this guy has truly bested me," admitted Zoisite, lying down and giving up.

After a couple hours, Sans eyes started to close from tiredness.

"Now's our chance!" yelled Jadeite, charging.

Sans sprung up and warped Jadeite back.

"LOL NICE TRY!"

"Omg," complained Nephrite. "He was almost asleep!"

"Aww shucks, I'm sorry."

After another six hours, Sans' eyes started to close again.

"He's starting to fall asleep again!" Jadeite exclaimed.

Sans awoke and warped him back.

"DAMMIT!"

"STOP THAT!" yelled Nephrite.

Jadeite got sick of waiting after three more hours and tried to charge again.

Sans was wide awake this time and shut him down with ease.

"WAAAAA!" yelled Jadeite. He couldn't take it anymore.

He just started charging repeatedly. Sans warped him back over and over again.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" he cried louder.

Finally Jadeite tired himself out and fell asleep.

"Thank goodness," said Nephrite.

At long last, after eight hours, Sans fell asleep.

"Guys," whispered Nephrite, nudging Jadeite who was still sleeping. "He's finally fallen asleep! Let's make our move!"

All four of them charged Sans with all they had.

Right at the last second, Sans warped away.

"NOOOOOOO!" they cried falling on top of each other.

Sans teleported two feet away from their pile. He shrugged and winked.

"Didja really think-"

Suddenly a crystal stabbed through him.

"Whelp," said Sans. "I guess that's that. See you at Grillboy's!"

He disappeared back into his game.

"Who... who saved us?" Jadeite asked in awe.

Standing in the doorway was Evil Queen Beryl.

"BERYL! YOU'RE A LIFESAVER!" Jadeite exclaimed, tears forming in his eyes.

"That's funny Jadeite because that's actually what I came here to talk to you about!"

"Uh oh!" said Jadeite.

Queen Beryl went to end his story.

"Wait Beryl! If I don't attack, you can't kill me, because it won't be your turn!"

Queen Beryl killed Jadeite.

"LOLOLOLO!" laughed the other three Shitennou.

"Don't laugh at me!" yelled Beryl. She went to kill them too.

They jumped into Undertale to escape.

"That was a close one," panted Nephrite, as the three of them appeared on a patch of yellow flowers.

"Howdy!" said a nice looking flower, approaching from behind. "You guys wanna know the first rule of the underground?"

"Uh... sure!" said Kunzite.

"It's kill or be killed!"

The flower started firing bullets at them.

"WAAAAAA!" yelled Nephrite.

FIN


	71. The Shitennou Take On Satan

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"This was your last chance Jadeite, but you have failed to impress me!"

"D'oh," said Jadeite.

Queen Beryl's eyes glowed white with fury. She pointed her ball at Jadeite to finish him off.

"OHHH NUUUUUU!" cried Jadeite, not ready to face his fate. "I still have so many things I haven't gotten to do yet! Like gather even a miniscule amount of energy!"

Beryl fired her ball. But, she had pointed it the wrong way! She fired it at herself and she died.

"NO BERYL NO!" cried Jadeite in anguish, not realizing that she had only done that by accident. "You took your own life because you were disappointed in me! It's all my fault, I'm sorry!"

He fell to the ground and cried. There was no response.

Nephrite walked in. "Heya Jed... OH MY GOD!" he cried. "YOU KILLED BERYL!?

"No! I mean yes! It was an accident!" Jadeite sobbed.

Zoisite came running in. "Oh hey Jed... WOAH! Nice job Jadeite! I didn't know you had it in you! I have a whole new respect for you now!"

Jadeite continued to cry. "How could you say that!? Queen Beryl is the best boss I ever had!"

Kunzite came in as well. "HOLY SHIT WHO DID THIS!?"

"WAAA!" cried Jadeite. "Don't hurt me!"

"Hurt you?! I should give you a medal! THREE CHEERS FOR JADEITE!"

All the Shitennou cheered for Jadeite. "Hip hip hooray!"

"We need to fix this!" Jadeite wailed.

"...No," said the others.

"What do you mean no!? We must bring her back!"

"Why would we do that?" asked Zoisite.

"So we can take over the world!"

"Meh, Beryl was just gonna kill us and steal all the credit anyway," Nephrite shrugged. "I think we should just go enjoy our new freedom and-"

But before they could catch him, Jadeite went running to Metalia.

"QUEEN METALIA! QUEEN METALIA! QUEEN METALIA!" Jadeite repeated desperately.

"WTF!" yelled Metalia. "You're not allowed down here!"

"Queen Metalia it's an emergency! Queen Beryl died!"

"Hmm, what happened?" Metalia asked disinterestedly.

"She committed suicide!"

"I don't blame her," said Metalia. "I've been hoping to be put out of my misery for ages! I'm just a floating embodiment of evil, it's boring as hell!"

"So we have to bring her back!" insisted Jadeite.

"Yeah, we need to revive her!" added Kunzite, entering the room.

"We must bring back our leader!" Zoisite joined in.

"What they said!" said Nephrite.

"Wait a second," said Jadeite. "You guys were just celebrating Beryl's death and saying you didn't care about our cause at all! What's the dealio?"

"SHHHH!" they all shushed loudly, not wanting to be slain by Metalia.

"Hmm, let's see," said Metalia. "I don't have a lot of ENERGY, Jadeite, but I'll do my best."

Jadeite and the others waited twenty minutes.

"So can you revive her?" Jadeite asked finally.

"Not this time, sadly," Metalia said with a shrug.

"WHAT?! WHY!?"

"It appears that Satan himself is keeping her in Hell this round."

"D'oh!" said Jadeite. "Does this mean... *sniffle* that she's gone forever?!"

"Well... you could always go to Hell and get her back," Metalia said sarcastically.

"BRILLIANT!" exclaimed Jadeite. "This is why you're our leader!"

"...I was only joking," said Metalia.

"LET's ALL GO TO HELL!" Jadeite announced.

They all teleported to Hell against their better judgement.

"Man, haven't seen this place in while," remarked Kunzite.

"Hey, is that a new fountain?" Nephrite asked.

"Oooh, I love what they did with their lava falls! They're much more elegant now," Zoisite added.

They strolled up to the Hell's check-in counter.

"Ah, Kunzite, Zoisite, Nephrite, and Jadeite again!" said the Hell clerk, remembering them by name. "How'd you die this time?"

"No, no, we're not dead!" objected Jadeite. "We're just visiting!"

"Yeah yeah, that's what they all say. You know, you guys were the biggest trouble makers in Hell. I'm not sure that I want to let you back in here!" the employee told them.

Jadeite charged and threw a wild punch. It had little to no effect.

"PLEASE!" he wailed, giving up and begging. "WE NEED TO SAVE OUR QUEEN FROM SATAN!"

"LOL!" laughed the Hell employee. "You're going to take on SATAN!?"

"Yes!"

"Hmm," the employee thought. "If they die to Satan, they'll go to Super Hell! And at last, I'll be done with them coming in every week and messing shit up!"

"Very well," the clerk decided. "You may proceed."

They all ran into the depths of Hell.

"This would be confusing if we didn't know our way around so well," noted Nephrite.

"Hey guys!" yelled Wiseman. "Back already?"

"Grab a seat," called Zirconia. "We're playing Go Fish!"

"OH BOY MY FAVORITE!" yelled Jadeite, running over to join his Hell buddies.

Nephrite grabbed his collar and pulled him back. "Don't get distracted!"

"Right!" said Jadeite, giving a salute.

Suddenly, Jadeite was given a hard shove and almost fell off the cliff into lava.

"I FEEL EVIL!" yelled Grandpa, in his true form, the cross-eyed lobster.

"Grandpa, WTF?!" yelled the Shitennou. "Why are you in Hell?"

"Hahaha I raped a lot of little kids lol," said Grandpa. "And I killed about half a dozen of them!"

"No," said Zoisite. "We mean why are you in Hell now?"

"Oh, I finally passed," he laughed.

"Did you die of old age?" asked Nephrite.

"No, AIDS!" Grandpa chortled.

"Ok, well we really must get going..." said Kunzite trying to escape.

"NOT SO FAST!" yelled Grandpa. "Come see my dwelling here! I call it the helling, because it's a dwelling in hell!"

The Shitennou tried to make a break for it but Grandpa caught them with his pitchfork.

They approached Grandpa's helling. It was made out of skeleton bones, but other than that it looked just like the Temple.

"Smells like dead body in here," remarked Zoisite.

"Yeah that's what the floor is made out of," explained Gramps.

The Shitennou made sure to hover slightly above the ground after that.

"So can I get you boys some snacks?"

"Depends," said Kunzite. "Is it something involving a dead person, Hell, or anything else disturbing?"

"Uh oh," said Gramps. "Is that a no on spaghetti and eyeballs?"

"Yes."

"Oh, it's a yes?"

"No."

"Okey dokey, coming right up!"

The Shitennou face-palmed. Then they made a wild dash for the exit.

"HELP!" cried the devil children Grandpa was keeping prisoner.

But the Shitennou didn't help them and rather used them to bust down the door.

They escaped successfully, right as Gramps arrived back with his dishes.

"Aww nuts," said Gramps. "Oh well, more for me!"

* * *

"I think we're lost," said Nephrite, reading a map upside-down.

"Man, travelling here really is Hell!" said Jadeite.

"I can't tell one lava pool from another," complained Nephrite. He was looking at a skull and crossbones that said "You are here." It wasn't much help.

"How are we going to find Satan's lair at this rate?" Zoisite asked.

"Oh, we're going to Satan's lair?" asked Kunzite. "I used to have brunch there every Sunday!"

"Well, where is it?!" said Nephrite angrily.

"Right there!" Kunzite exclaimed, pointing behind them.

There was a huge obsidian castle surrounded by lava and with green, purple, and orange flame decor.

"Wow, I wish our castle looked like that," said Zoisite.

"Alright, let's go team!" encouraged Jadeite.

They approached the only bridge that connected to the castle. It was very rickety and hung above a 12,000 foot drop into lava.

"Jadeite, I think since you killed Beryl, you should go first!" suggested Nephrite.

"No way!" yelled Jadeite. "I think the strongest should go first! Kunzite?"

"Hey, I'm the strongest!" objected Nephrite.

"You're right," said Kunzite. "You go for it!"

"Good idea!" added Zoisite.

"Shit," said Nephrite. "Umm... let's play truth or dare to see who has to do it!"

"What?" said Zoisite. "I don't think you can lose truth or dare..."

"You wanna bet?" said Nephrite.

"Sure."

"Alright, I dare you to cross the bridge."

"What is this, Australian rules?!" cried Zoisite.

"You refuse to do it?" asked Nephrite.

"Yes."

"Then it looks like you lost truth or dare, and you have to cross the bridge!"

"It will be a cold day in hell when I cross that bridge!" vowed Zoisite.

Suddenly there was a gust of wind, and the temperature dropped.

"Fine, I'll do it!" resigned Zoisite. "Here I go!"

He stuck his foot out as though he was about to put it down on the bridge. Then he gave Jadeite a big shove onto the bridge.

Jadeite landed on the bridge. He looked down. "Hey, it didn't break! This will be easy!"

He took a single step. The bridge broke. He plummeted to his death.

"NONONONONONON!" he cried as he fell.

"He was a good man," said Nephrite. "Not good enough to make it across the bridge, but pretty good overall."

"Wait can't he fly?" Kunzite realized.

"Too late to tell him now," mourned Zoisite.

But to Jadeite's surprise, he landed on a boat. There was a guy and a crow.

"Hey boy, want me to take you across this river?"

"Aww yea!" cried Jadeite.

"That will cost you only one Dead Man's Coin!"

"Hmm," said Jadeite. "I have this paper clip, this gum wrapper, this coupon to KFC, and... 22 cents!"

"Good enough," said the guy.

He boated Jadeite across the river.

After Jadeite crawled to shore and climbed up the mountain, he ran into the other Shitennou.

"How'd you get over here?!" he gasped. "The bridge was broke!"

"Lol we remembered we could fly," they told him.

"D'oh."

They opened the huge palace doors.

There was a long foyer filled with dead bodies and skeletons.

"Watch your step," instructed Kunzite

"WAAAA!" yelled Jadeite as he tripped over a dead body.

"DAMMIT JADEITE!" yelled Kunzite. "I've had just about enough of you!"

"Yeah... that's what Beryl said... Right before she *sniffle* killed herself!"

They hopped in an elevator. It went from floor B1 to floor -666. The door opened.

"WHO DARES ENTER MY SACRED PALACE!" called Satan.

"Satan me boy!" yelled Kunzite. "It's me, Kunzite, your good pal from back in the day!"

"Kunzite? Lord Kunzite? Get up here! We have so much catching up to do!"

Kunzite hopped up to a small folding chair across from Satan's huge throne.

Jadeite, Nephrite, and Zoisite followed cautiously.

"So, Kunzite, kicked any cats lately?" Satan wondered.

"I didja one better! I shot them with lightning!"

"Sweet!" said Satan.

Jadeite looked up, and to his horror, spotted Queen Beryl hanging in a cage.

"GET ME OUT!" she cried. "KUNZITE THIS IS NO TIME FOR SMALL TALK! MAKE HIM FREE ME!"

Kunzite sighed. "So, Satan, I actually didn't come just to catch up. It seems you've gone out of your way to keep our leader imprisoned here?"

Satan's face turned into a frown. "Yes? What about it?"

"Well, I mean... I guess, why?"

"Ugh," Satan sighed. "Take a seat and I'll tell you."

Kunzite was already sitting.

"It all started long ago."

* * *

"Satan, listen, I need your help!" begged Queen Beryl. "Me and my idiots are about to raid the Moon Kingdom, and we need your help to ensure our success!"

"You know what the price is," said Satan grimly.

"Why yes. I will sell my soul to beat the Moon Kingdom!"

"Very well," said Satan. "Go down the hallway and take a right to the soul for success vending machines. Just put your soul in, and one ticket to success will come out."

"Thanks buddy!" said Beryl. She went down the hall.

She looked around to see if anyone was watching. Then, she put her soul in the machine. A ticket came out.

"YEET!"

Then, giving another glance around, Beryl pulled the string attached to her soul and took it out of the vending machine. "LOOLOL!" she laughed.

"Now I keep my soul and my victory! MWAHAHAHAHAH!"

But unbeknowest to her, Satan was watching. He cursed her lackies with a spell of incompetence, in order to prevent her from victory forevermore.

* * *

"Ah, I see," said Kunzite. "That spell was kind of unnecessary though, don't you think?"

"It was nothing personal," answered Satan.

"But why have you decided to trap her now? She has been to Hell several times since then!"

"Well, last time she left Hell, she was asked to fill out her customer satisfaction survey. She rated me with all zero's."

"But this is Hell," Kunzite argued. "If you get zero's for satisfaction, doesn't that mean you did a good job?"

"No, the survery asked how much this felt like Hell, and she said it wasn't Hell at all! It was humiliating! It brought down our Yelp! to four and half stars instead of our original five."

"That's brutal," Kunzite admitted. "But ya know, don't you think that's a little harsh, trapping her forever?"

"I'm Satan. What did you expect?"

"True. But isn't there anything we can do to get you to release her?"

"Well, there is one thing! If you guys can beat me in a game, I'll set her free! The Devil would never break a promise!"

"Alright!" exclaimed Jadeite. "I challenge you to truth or dare!"

"What?" said Satan. "I don't think you can lose truth or dare..."

"You wanna bet?" said Jadeite.

"Sure."

"Alright, truth or dare?"

"Truth," said Satan.

"Shit!" cried Jadeite.

"Just play along until we can get him where we want him," instructed Nephrite.

"Okey dokey," said Jadeite. "Satan, what's your middle name?"

"Gaylord."

"That's my middle name too!" exclaimed Nephrite. "We have so much in common!"

"My turn," said Satan. "Jadeite, truth or dare?"

"Truth," said Jadeite.

Satan let out a sigh. "Jadeite, is it true you still sleep with a nightlight?"

Jadeite looked around nervously. "I don't think I can answer that..."

"NO!" cried the other Shitennou. "YOU HAVE TO! OR YOU'LL LOSE!"

"Fine," pouted Jadeite with a heavy heart. "Yes," he whispered, as tears formed in the corners of his eyes.

"What was that?" asked Satan.

"YES!" cried Jadeite, breaking into a full sob.

Zoisite started laughing.

"Alright, my turn," said Nephrite. "Truth or dare?"

Satan sighed. "Dare."

"HA! I DARE YOU TO FREE BERYL! OOOOOOH SNAP!"

"What is this, Australian rules!?" Satan demanded furiously.

"Yep!" said Nephrite. "Time to let her go, because we win either way!"

Satan was enraged. "I WON'T STAND FOR THIS!"

He got into his battle stance. He pulled out his 8 foot pitch fork and lit it on fire.

"Well it was worth a try," said Jadeite sadly.

Suddenly, Kunzite mentally snapped and charged Satan.

"WOAH!" said the others.

Kunzite charged at the speed of light.

Satan effortlessly slapped Kunzite away. He exploded into the wall.

"Shit," said Zoisite. "He was the toughest one."

Jadeite decided it was all or nothing and charged Satan. Nephrite followed suit.

They both flew in for an aerial attack. Satan blew at them and they flew out into Hell space.

Zoisite stood by himself. "Umm, hey! Listen, I'm not much of a fighter, per se..."

"Go on," said Satan.

"So I'm willing to cut you a deal. A one on one duel, all or nothing. If I lose, you can send me to Super Hell!"

"Cool," said Satan.

"Alright, but you have to place a bet too! Hmm, what do you have that we want? Oh yeah, Beryl!"

"Very well," said Satan.

"So let's just put Beryl in the middle now," insisted Zoisite. "See, I'm putting my soul in the middle! Now you put down Beryl!"

"Alright," said Satan skeptically. He put Beryl in the middle.

"HAHAHAHA! What a fool!" laughed Zoisite. "Kunzite, now!"

Kunzite twitched in the corner. He was too injured to warp in and nab Beryl.

"Kunzite!" cried Zoisite.

Satan narrowed his eyes.

Out of sheer desperation, Zoisite shot petals at Satan's eyes.

He grabbed Beryl and his soul and made a break for it.

"Hey!" cried Satan, swinging at the petals with his pitch fork.

"HAHAHAHAHAHHA!" laughed Zoisite as he fled. "You can't catch me now!"

Then he tripped on a dead body.

"DAMMIT ZOISITE!" yelled Kunzite from the corner he was twitching in.

It was all over now.

Right before Satan chopped Zoisite's head off with his pitchfork, Grandpa leapt in the way and repelled Satan with pure willpower.

"WA!" cried Satan flying back.

Grandpa charged Satan.

"Grandpa!" yelled Zoisite. "But why?!"

"No time!" yelled Gramps. "Grab your silly little friends and RUN!"

"But if we leave here, you're finished!" Zoisite cried.

"I've got this under control," vowed Grandpa. "Now go!"

Zoisite grabbed Beryl again and helped Kunzite to his feet. They both started running out of the castle.

They slid down the cliff and hopped in the boat. They threw the guy and his crow overboard when he asked them for money and started paddeling with their hands throught the lava.

"IT BURNS!" cried Zoisite.

"KEEP PADDELING!"

When they got to the other side, they found Jadeite and Nephrite upside down in the lava, gurgling.

"Ummm, are you guys dead?" Zoisite asked.

"Not yet," Jadeite mumbled.

Reluctantly, they helped Jadeite and Nephrite out of the lava.

They started fleeing on land. They turned around and saw Satan in a hot pursuit, flying with huge bat wings and holding Grandpa's corpse in one of his big meaty claws.

"NO! GRAMPS!" cried Zoisite. "He died protecting us!"

"And now," began Satan, "You'll follow in his footsteps!"

"WA!" they yelled.

They ran for 500 miles and finally neared the gates of Hell.

"Look who's back," sneered the Hell clerk as they ran wildly in his direction.

They leapt over the desk, and Kunzite kicked him in the head.

Right when the clerk was getting up, Satan swooped by and knocked him over.

"THE EXIT!" they cried.

They started climbing the rope ladder to the surface world.

But Satan reached the bottom, and started yanking the ladder threw the ground.

No matter how fast they climbed, they didn't make any progress because Satan was pulling faster.

"WHAT DO WE DOOOOOOO?!" cried Jadeite.

"Yeah, it's not like we can fly or anything!" Nephrite said sadly.

Then they all face-palmed. They tightened their grip on Beryl and flew out of Hell.

Satan smashed into the surface world barrier and could not pass.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Satan.

"LOLOLOLOL!" mocked Jadeite through the barrier.

Satan reached his hand out and punched Jadeite. They all took a step back.

"YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS NEXT TIME YOU DIE!" vowed Satan.

"LOL!" laughed the Shitennou. "We'll never die! We're invincible!"

Then they got hit by a meteor. They appeared in Hell.

"Heh heh," laughed Jadeite nervously.

Satan charged them.

"WAAAAAA!" yelled Jadeite.

* * *

Beryl awoke with a shock, in the crater of a meteor.

"Woah, I'm out of Hell already! I can't believe those numbskulls succeeded in rescuing me!"

She looked over and saw their smashed corpses.

"D'awww, I guess I owe it to them to get Metalia to bring them back."

She appeared in Metalia's room.

"Lmao," laughed Metalia. "They actually pulled it off?"

"Yep!" said Queen Beryl. "And for that reason and that reason alone, I want you to bring them back! I owe them one!"

"Hmm," said Metalia.

20 minutes passed.

"Soo...?" began Beryl.

"It appears that there is nothing I can do. Satan himself is making sure they stay in Hell."

"D'oh," said Beryl.

"Well, I mean," said Metalia. "You could go to Hell to get them back, like they did for you!"

"Nah," said Beryl. "I'm not much of a fighter. Time to open recruitment!"

* * *

Gramps opened his eyes. "Did I beat Satan?"

"Nope!" said Super Satan. "You died to him and now you're in Super Hell!"

"YESSSSSSS!" cried Gramps. "That's where a sicko like me belongs!"

"Yup!" agreed Super Satan.

Gramps ran off and frolicked with the other sickos his age.

FIN


	72. Jadeite Goes To The Pool

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Good work, Jadeite!" replied Beryl. "You know, Jadeite, you've been doing a lot of good work lately..."

"Haha, good one," said Jadeite. "Is this the part where you say "JK" and then kill me?"

"No, no," said Beryl. "This is serious. You all have been doing great work."

Jadeite waited for her to say "JK" and kill him.

"To reward you all for your efforts, I bought a pool table for the rec room!"

"We have a rec room?" asked Jadeite.

"We do now!"

"Aww sweet, thanks Beryl!"

"Now whatever you do, just don't mess with the equiment. It's professional quality and very expensive, so no goofing off!"

"Gotcha Beryl!" promised Jadeite, running to the pool table.

The others appeared instantly.

"Oh boy, I heard we got a pool table!" exclaimed Zoisite.

"AWWW YEEEEEA!" said Nephrite.

"LET'S PLAY LET'S PLAY!"

Kunzite took the balls and put them in the central triangle. Then he gave everyone their cues, and put the white ball down.

"Umm, quick question," interrupted Nephrite. "How do we play pool?"

"Well, you hold your cue like this, and you hit the white ball into the other balls, trying to pocket them!" Kunzite explained, giving a demonstration.

"BORING!" yelled Nephrite.

"When do I get my racket?" asked Jadeite.

"No rackets," said Kunzite.

"Aww, looks like we just use these baseball bats!" Jadeite inferred.

"Those aren't baseball bats, those are pool cues," Kunzite tried to warn him.

"Pool cues, like cue tips?" asked Jadeite, cleaning his ear with the pool cue.

"Cut that out!" yelled Kunzite.

"I think I'm getting the hang of this, guys," said Zoisite, sliding the pool cue on the table and pushing all the balls in the hole. "I win!"

"No, no, no," said Kunzite, resetting the balls. "You tap the ball with the end of the stick-"

"Like this?" asked Nephrite. He threw a ball up in the air and hit it like a baseball. It broke a window.

"Welp there goes the eight ball," sighed Kunzite.

"Look guys, I'm the Amazon Quartet!" yelled Jadeite, throwing a ball at Zoisite.

It knocked him over and his dream mirror fell out. Nephrite got a quick peak.

"Awww, gay!" he wailed, pulling his head out right away.

"GET OUT OF THERE!" barked Zoisite.

"Guys, seriously. I'll take my turn now and you can watch how I do it." Kunzite lined his cue up to the ball, ready to hit another ball into the hole.

He hit the ball, and it was going in the perfect direction.

Nephrite snatched it. "Haha, three strikes and your out!" he laughed.

"You idiot, this is pool!"

"Pool?" repeated Jadeite, pulling out goggles and a snorkle. He put on a rubber duckie life raft and leaped on the table.

It messed up all the balls and Kunzite's perfect shot was no more.

"STOOOOOP!" yelled Kunzite.

"Why did Queen Beryl get us a bad game like ping pong, anyway?" Zoisite whined.

"Pool," Kunzite corrected.

"Same thing," said Zoisite. "But she could have gotten us Ms. Pacman!"

"Aww I love Ms. Pacman!" said Jadeite. "Let's go sell the pool table, and get us Ms. Pacman."

They started hauling the table out.

"STOP!" yelled Kunzite, blocking the door. "Queen Beryl got this for us as a gift! It would be rude to sell it!"

"Fiiiiine," they all sighed. They put the table back in its spot.

"Let's play this legit!" declared Jadeite. "For Beryl!"

Kunzite raised an eyebrow. "I doubt you're serious."

Jadeite handed everyone a ball. "Now here's my variation of pool. We all roll our balls in from the corner, and they all collide, and then if yours goes in a hole you win!"

"Brilliant!" exclaimed Nephrite. "This is much funner than Kunzite's gibberish Australian rules!"

"I'm down!" said Zoisite.

Kunzite reluctantly went along.

"Ok, 1...," began Jadeite. "2..."

"3!" yelled Zoisite.

They all chucked their balls down at the table. The balls bounced wildly off the table in different directions.

Jadeite took cover. Nephrite and teleported away and to the other side of the room. Zoisite slid under the table.

Kunzite got nailed in the face with a ball.

"Oof! Who's ball was this?!" he screamed, holding up the orange ball.

Jadeite made a break for it. Kunzite shot him down.

After being struck, Jadeite tripped and collided with the pool cues. They all flew wildly and trapped Kunzite against the wall by his clothes.

He tried to pull the cues off him, but he wasn't quick enough. He was a sitting duck as the other three balls nailed him in the face as well.

"I'll help you out!" yelled Zoisite, trying to run over.

He tripped on a ball, and fell and knocked over the pool table. The table smashed to pieces, and one of the pieces flew and nailed Kunzite in the face.

"Sorry!" cried Zoisite.

"I've had just about enough of you, Nephrite!" yelled Jadeite.

"WTF did I do?" asked Nephrite.

"ON GUARD!" yelled Jadeite. Jadeite grabbed a pool cue from Kunzite and charged Nephrite. Nephrite thought fast and grabbed one as well.

They started dueling it out.

Zoisite stumbled to his feet. But he was disoriented from hitting his head on the table, and stumbled amidst Nephrite and Jadeite's battle.

They didn't see him in time and he got comboed by both of their pool cues.

"Guys, stooooooop!" cried Kunzite from against the wall.

Zoisite was enraged after getting hit twice with cues. He pieced together the pool table magically, and then smashed Jadeite and Nephrite on the head with it.

"OOOF!" they both cried.

When the pool table smashed the second time, the balls that were inside it went flying everywhere.

Kunzite got nailed in the face half a dozen times before blacking out.

Jadeite, Nephrite, and Zoisite were bombarded.

"TAKE COVER!" Jadeite cried.

"WHERE?! THERE'S NO POOL TABLE TO HIDE BEHIND ANYMORE!" yelled Nephrite.

They all scattered.

Nephrite looked over his shoulder, and saw two pool balls trailing him. He took a sharp turn, but they turned as well. Nephrite tripped over a pool cue and fell. He cringed as the balls finished him off.

Jadeite was running for his life as well. He knew his only escape was to leap out the window. He tried to use a pool cue to pole vault to safety, but he was too heavy and it snapped in half. Jadeite flew into the wall.

Zoisite laughed as he stole Jadeite's idea and leaped out the window. "That was a close one," he chortled, thinking he had avoided the balls.

But then he saw four balls trailing him as he fell. "Oh well, I learned in Negaschool that because of gravity acceleration, we should all fall at the same speed, so they'll never reach me since I got a head start!"

But the pool balls didn't listen to gravity. They flew down faster than Zoisite, and when they got far enough ahead, they turned around and flew up at him. Zoisite flailed crazily mid-air, knowing he was done for.

The balls hit him in the head and made him start spinning like a cart wheel. He fell painfully into the bushes, where the balls followed and delivered their final blow. But Zoisite wasn't dead yet. He stumbled to his feet and started limping away. But then he tripped over the rogue eight ball from earlier and was defeated.

* * *

Meanwhile, in the rec room...

Jadeite got to his feet, and grabbed another pool cue and charged Nephrite.

"WHAT DO I DO TO MAKE YOU PEOPLE HATE ME SO MUCH?!" cried Nephrite. He knew he had no strength left to fight, so his best effort was to hold a pool cue up in defense.

Just then, Beryl entered the room.

Jadeite and Nephrite spotted Beryl just as their pool cues broke in half.

"Hey guys, so are you enjoying your-"

Then Beryl stopped speaking.

Zoisite poked his head in the window. He spotted Beryl and jumped back down.

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO THE NEW POOL SET!" screeched Beryl. "THAT WAS 5,000 NEGABUCKS!"

"Well," said Nephrite. "That was your own fault for trusting us with something that expensive."

Suddenly Kunzite woke up.

"Beryl, m'lady!" he called. "Mind helping me down from here?"

"Kunzite," Beryl said slowly. "Why didn't you control these goobers? Why is the pool table, the pool cues, and the pool balls, all in shambles?"

"Well you see, m'lady..."

"NO EXCUSES!" shouted Beryl. "I'm never getting you goobers a gift again!"

"Does that mean no Ms. Pacman?" asked Jadeite.

Queen Beryl killed Jadeite.

FIN


	73. Guardians Of Endymion

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

Jadeite lay crumpled on the ground after getting hit by a plane.

"Nice try, Jadeite, but I already told you, if you lost to the Sailor Scouts, you're done!"

"Come on, Beryl! That's just 'plane' mean! Get it? Plane?"

Queen Beryl killed Jadeite.

* * *

Mamoru flew into his apartment window after his riveting duel with Jadeite.

"Man since when could I fly? That was crazy!"

He sat down on the couch to gloat, when suddenly, a stone appeared on his table.

"The hell?" said Mamoru, touching the stone.

Instantly, Jadeite's spirit flew out of it.

"Hey there, Endymion me boy!"

"WTF?!" cried Mamoru. He pulled out his whacking stick and swung frantically at the ghost.

"Hey, that's not very nice!" said Jedy. "Don't you remember me? I'm your old guardian from the Silver Millennium!"

"I don't know what any of that means," barked Mamoru.

"Oh shit," said Jadeite. "You haven't realized you're Endymion yet!"

"Endymion who?"

"Endymion YOOUUUUUUU!" Jadeite explained.

"So why are you here?" asked Mamoru.

"I already told you, goober!" insisted Jadeite. "I'm your guardian so I'll continue to guard you after my death!"

"But you're a ghost," said Mamoru. "How are you going to guard me?"

"By giving you advice!"

"Oh god," said Mamoru.

"Now first bit of advice," began Jadeite. "Let's go find a new source of energy!"

"Shouldn't you be unhypnotized as my guardian ghost?" Mamoru figured.

"I was never hypnotized, silly goober!" laughed Jadeite. "Come on, let's hit the town!"

* * *

This was the big moment. Mamoru was about to square off with his greatest foe yet, Nephrite.

Sailor Moon stood behind him.

"You like picking on little girls, huh?" Mamoru taunted Nephrite. "How about fighting me like a real man!"

"Huh, I don't think that's such a good idea, Mamoru," advised Jadeite. "Afterall, you couldn't even beat me! And I'm a jokester! That Nephrite is hardcore, you don't stand a chance! YOU'RE FINISHED! GET AWAY WHILE YOU CAN!"

"Shut up!" screamed Mamoru.

"Huh?" asked Nephrite confused, as no one was able to see Jadeite's ghost except Mamoru. "Well anyway, time to fight!"

But then he heard the scream of a young Molly.

"Hmph, we'll fight later," decided Nephrite, flying away. "I have more important matters to attend to."

Jadeite let out a sigh of relief.

"You know, for my guardian, you don't have much faith in me," Mamoru complained.

"Hey I'm just being honest bruh. Now let's go get a milkshake!"

"Shouldn't we chase after Nephrite?" Mamoru asked. "He knows Sailor Moon's identity, we shouldn't just leave her!"

"Nah she got dis," persuaded Jadeite. "My spirit stomache is grumbling, so go go go!"

"Cya round, Sailor Moon!" called Mamoru leaving.

"The nerve of that guy!" shouted Sailor Moon.

* * *

Mamoru entered the shipping yard. He now had collected two Shitennou ghosts.

"Waaaa!" cried Sailor Moon.

"Oh no you must save her!" cried Jadeite.

Mamoru looked up and saw Sailor Moon hanging from a random crane.

"Hmm, that's strange," said Mamoru.

"Yeah, I don't know about this," agreed Nephrite. "Don't you find it odd that the bad guys hung her on a crane instead of taking her back to the Negaverse or unmasking her or killing her?"

"Hold on a second," interrupted Jadeite. "But what if it's not the Negaverse!"

"Who else would it be?" asked Nephrite.

"The Dark Moon Clan!"

"Huh?" said Nephrite.

"Huh?" said Mamoru.

"Nevermind," said Jadeite. "But you gotta save her, it could be the real one!"

"Didn't Sailor Moon have red bows?" Mamoru recalled.

"Nah, if they were going to make a fake Sailor Moon, they would have at least tried to make a good one," Nephrite reassured him. "It's gotta be the real one!"

"Alright!" decided Mamoru. "I trust you guys' judgement!"

Mamoru flew up and saved the Sailor Moon.

"Wait," realized Jadeite. "That looks like Zoisite lol."

Zoisite stabbed Mamoru.

"DAMMIT JADEITE!" cried Mamoru.

* * *

Mamoru and Zoisite were slugging it out with their sticks.

"GET EM!" yelled Nephrite. "GET EM GET EM GET EM GET EM! FINISH HIM MAMORU!"

"That's kind of distracting," groaned Mamoru, struggling.

"Hey, can you guys keep it down?" shouted Jadeite. "I'm tryna sleep!"

"MAMORU SWING LEFT!" screamed Nephrite through a megaphone.

Mamoru swung left and missed.

"NO THE OTHER LEFT!"

Zoisite slashed Mamoru with the crystal.

"SHIIIIIIIT!" cried Nephrite. "COME ON MAN YOU'RE LOSING! LET ME TAG IN!"

"You can really do that?" Mamoru asked, bleeding.

"Hmm, maybe... I just have to figure out how..."

Mamoru's mask fell off.

"OH SHIT!" yelled Jadeite and Nephrite. "DUDE PUT THAT MASK BACK ON, IT FELL OFF!"

"I can see that!" barked Mamoru.

Mamoru was distracted by arguing with Jadeite and Nephrite and thus got pinned down.

"Whelp this is where our story ends," said Jadeite sadly.

"COME ON YA NINNY, PUT YOUR BACK INTO IT!" Nephrite scolded at Mamoru as he continued to struggle.

"THAT'S NOT HELPING!" Mamoru yelled.

Right before Mamoru was done for, Sailor V saved him.

"I wouldn't trust her if I were you," advised Jadeite. "It might be Kunzite!"

Mamoru tried to slug Jadeite but slugged himself because Jadeite was just a spirit.

Sailor V and Mamoru fled.

"Wait there are four sailors now!?" Jadeite asked in shock.

"What do you mean? There's five!" Nephrite told him.

"When did they get a fourth one?!" Jadeite gasped.

"Literally right after I died," said Nephrite.

"Oh, how'd you die?" Jadeited wondered. "Mamoru wasn't there for that part so I didn't see."

"Meh I don't really want to talk about it."

* * *

Evil Mamoru stood before Sailor Moon, black rose glistening in the moonlight.

"Don't hurt her!" cried Jadeite. "She's your girlfriend!"

"Speaking of relationships, remember that time Kunzite lost his boyfriend?" mocked Nephrite.

"HEY SUCK IT!" yelled Zoisite. "I KILLED YOU, SO HA!"

"So what do I do?" Evil Mamoru asked desperately. "I don't know what's what anymore!"

"Kill her! Finish her!" instructed Nephrite. "You're supposed to be evil!"

"No, get back at Beryl for killing me and reviving you instead of me by ruining her scheme!" Zoisite screamed. "You're the reason I died, Mamoru!"

"No, your incompetence is the reason you died!" Nephrite yelled.

"I got the seven rainbow crystals! What did you get, Nephrite?"

"...Energy!" he exclaimed, after thinking for a moment.

"LOL YEAH RIGHT!"

"Stop it!" cried Mamoru. "I'm having an internal crisis here, I don't need your petty squabbling!"

"Yeah guys, cut Mamoru some slack here," agreed Jadeite. "He's trying to figure out if he's evil or not!"

"Didn't he do that last ark?" asked Nephrite.

"Grrr!" yelled Mamoru, finally giving up. "I'll get the silver crystal next time, Sailor Moon!"

He took off.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?" exclaimed Nephrite. "You could have taken it right there, easy!"

"STFU!" cried Mamoru. "I can't think straight with your constant bickering!"

"Yeah, and every good strategist knows when to leave," added Zoisite.

"No," said Nephrite. "You're just a coward who's afraid of fighting. You're weak!"

"Hey now, I'm weak too but even I stay and fight," said Jadeite, getting in the middle of the scrap.

"I stayed and fought!" objected Zoisite. "Remember that time I killed Mamoru?"

"STAHHHHP," complained Mamoru. "I don't wanna think about it!"

"Wait how do you remember that?" asked Jadeite.

"LOLOLOLOL I KILLED YOU LLOLOLL I KILLED YOU!" taunted Zoisite.

"GET OUT OF MY HEAD!?" cried Mamoru, running in circles and then slamming his face into a wall.

* * *

"Hey Kunzite, you're stupid and your ideas are stupid!" heckled Evil Mamoru, showing up to pick a fight with Kunzite for no apparent reason.

"STOP BULLYING HIM!" cried Zoisite. "HIS PLANS ARE BETTER THAN YOURS!"

"No, bully him harder!" Nephrite insisted.

"So should I buy the red wallet or the blue one?" asked Jadeite as he shopped on his laptop using Mamoru's credit card.

Mamoru's eye twitched.

"Get lost scrub, why don't you go teach Sailor Moon how to figure skate again?" barked Kunzite.

"HAHAHAHA GET BURNT MAMORU!" yelled Zoisite. "KUNZITE 1, MAMORU 0!"

"Hey Kunzite remember when your boyfriend died lol," said Mamoru at Nephrite's instruction.

"I'LL KILL YOU BOTH!" screamed Zoisite. "AGAIN!"

"You haven't seen the last of me!" screamed Kunzite as Mamoru teleported away.

"Hahaha yeah right," laughed Mamoru.

"Hey guys I just died!" said Kunzite showing up next to Mamoru in spirit form.

"HEY BAE WELCOME TO THE PARTY!" exclaimed Zoisite.

"Now we're one big happy family!" cheered Jadeite.

"LMAO Remember when Mamoru lost to freaking JADEITE!?" laughed Kunzite. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH!"

Mamoru tried to punch Kunzite but punched himself in the face and lost consciousness.

* * *

Sailor Moon healed Mamoru with the Moon Wand.

"Huh so I guess I wasn't evil after all!" realized Mamoru.

"D'aww," said Jadeite. "I really thought he was gonna be the bad guy. Now I lost a 20 dollar bet to Nephrite!"

"I KEEEEEEEELL YOU!" shouted Queen Beryl.

"Nope!" said Mamoru, about to throw a rose.

"DON'T HURT HER!" cried Jadeite. "I mean sure she has her flaws but she's a good person deep down and-"

The other three Shitennou swatted Jadeite out of the way.

"THROW YOUR ROSE!" yelled Nephrite.

"That will never work," scoffed Kunzite. "You really think that after all this, Queen Beryl could be defeated with just a simple-"

Beryl got rekt, but not before taking out Mamoru.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO NOT OUR MAMO!" cried the Shitennou.

"STAY WITH US MAN!" called Jadeite.

"FLOAT TOWARDS THE LIGHT!" cried Zoisite.

"NO, FLOAT AWAY FROM THE LIGHT!" cried Kunzite.

"WELL WHICH IS IT!?" wailed Mamoru.

"FLOAT TOWARDS KFC AND BUY ME THE 7 PIECES FOR 7 DOLLARS BUCKET OF CHICKEN!" Nephrite screamed.

"WHY DO YOU NEED THAT MUCH CHICKEN, FATASS?" yelled Zoisite.

"I WAS GONNA SHARE BUT NOT WHEN YOU HAVE THAT ATTITUDE!" barked Nephrite.

Mamoru died.

* * *

Mamoru stared glumly at his crystal box with the four Shitennou stones.

"Man if I could only ditch these," sighed Mamoru. It had been months since Mamoru had been revived, and his so-called guardians were driving him bonkers.

"Why do you wanna get rid of us?!" cried Jadeite. "We advise you so well!"

"Speaking of advice, it's a beautiful day outside," noted Kunzite. "You should really go get some fresh air."

"Yeah, you've been playing on the computer all day!" Zoisite added.

"I'm not playing!" denied Mamoru. "This is work!"

"Yeah right," scoffed Nephrite. "Let's go take a look at your search history!"

Nephrite's ghost reached for the mouse.

Mamoru slapped it away. "GO AWAY!" he cried.

"NEVERRRRR!" they all yelled.

"You got a new email, Mamoru," Zoisite notified him.

"That's just junk mail," said Jadeite.

"But it's from someone named Chibi-usa," said Zoisite.

"DELETE IT! DELETE IT!" warned Kunzite. "It's a virus! You'll regret it if you open it!"

"Nah, what's the worst that could happen?" asked Nephrite, encouraging Mamoru to open it.

Five seconds later Chibi-usa from the future showed up.

"WHHHHHHHHY!" cried Mamoru in fury and despair.

* * *

Mamoru was at the grocery store, pushing his cart.

He picked up a box of store brand Lucky Charms, called Lucky Marshmallows.

"AWW YUCK!" yelled Nephrite. "Don't get the off brand cereal! You make me sick!"

"But it's cheaper! And it tastes exactly the same!" said Jadeite.

"I don't have a lot of money right now," explained Mamoru. "I just want to save up."

"And who's fault is that?" asked Nephrite.

"Yeah," said Zoisite. "How's that job at the Barnes and Noble going?"

"I told you, I didn't get that job," Mamoru said angrily.

"Yeah Zoisite, we were there when he goofed up the interview," Kunzite reminded him. "We've been with him the whole time."

"Unfortunately," mumbled Mamoru under his breathe.

"I don't remember that interview," Zoisite said.

"That's because you and Nephrite got in a huge scrap that lasted the entire time," Kunzite explained. "It caused Mamoru to have a nervous breakdown in the middle of the interview."

"LOL I remember that now! Was that when he screamed 'STAY OF MY MIIIIND' and slugged the interviewer?"

"Good times," reminisced Jadeite. "Good times!"

Mamoru began moving on, taking the loss of buying the name brand cereal to avoid further conflict.

Suddenly Jadeite jumped in front of his cart, stopping him in his tracks. "OMG MAMORU LOOK AT THIS! Non-milk protein milkshakes are buy three, get one free! You can't pass this up!"

"Why would I need that?" asked Mamoru.

"Because you'll be saving money!"

"No," groaned Mamoru. "I would never buy that to begin with."

"You won't know if you like it until you try it!" Jadeite insisted.

"Jadeite you goober," said Zoisite.

"OMG BUY GOOBERS!" Jadeite remembered. "THEY'RE MY FAVE!"

"Also buy me some liquor," Nephrite joined in.

"I'm not 21 yet," mumbled Mamoru.

"Huh?" said Zoisite. "I could have sworn you were at least 25!"

"Where did you get that?" barked Nephrite.

"Idk he just looks older. I think the stress is starting to get to him."

"You mean the stress of us?" asked Kunzite.

Jadeite and Nephrite shushed him.

"SHUUUUUUT UP!" screamed Mamoru in the middle of the store.

"Look at that crazy man talking to imaginary people!" shouted Shingo.

"Oh no, that's my boyfriend!" cried Usagi.

"Woah," said Shingo. "How's you score a hunkster like that?"

"That's a good question," agreed Jadeite. "You're way to good for her, Mamo-chan," he said, playfully punching Mamoru's arm.

"Yeah, and she's a little too young for you," added Kunzite.

"And how old are you?" Mamoru asked angrily.

"Huh?" asked Shingo. "I'm 10, why?"

"Sorry, I wasn't talking to you," apologizied Mamoru.

"Then... who are you talking to?"

"I could tell you but you wouldn't believe me," Mamoru sighed. He went home without buying any groceries.

* * *

Mamoru put his letter in the mail slot at the post office.

"Whatcha doing now, Mamo?" asked Nephrite.

"Just mailing a letter," Mamoru sighed angrily.

"To who?" Kunzite asked.

"None of your business!" he yelled.

"I think it is our business," said Zoisite. "Maybe he's ordering illegal drugs!"

"Who mails letters these days anyway?" asked Nephrite. "There's this thing called the internet!"

"IT'S FOR MY GRANDMA!" screamed Mamoru at the top of his lungs.

"That old bag?" asked Zoisite. "When are you gonna put her down?"

"Yeah," said Jadeite. "Put her out of her misery!"

"THAT'S MY GRAN GRAN YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!" Mamoru shouted in anger.

"POOR GRAN GRAN!" cried Jadeite feeling terrible about himself.

"You forgot to send Gran Gran an Easter card," said Kunzite. "I don't think she likes you anymore."

Mamoru stormed out of the post office.

"Do we even have Easter in Japan?" asked Jadeite as Mamoru stomped away.

"Well, back on the Moon Kingdom..." began Kunzite.

Mamoru threw himself in front of a moving car.

"NO!" cried the Shitennou. "You're too old to die!"

They shoved him out of the way.

"UwAaAA!" cried Mamoru.

* * *

"I can't take it anymore!" screamed Mamoru. He got in his car and drove and drove and drove.

"Where are we going?" asked Jadeite.

Mamoru was silent.

"This looks like a desert," said Kunzite. "You lost or something?"

Mamoru pulled up to the Grand Canyon and jumped out of the car.

"Nah, Mamo-chan never gets lost!" said Nephrite. "That's why he has a GPS!"

"You idiot," said Zoisite. "If he never got lost then he wouldn't need a GPS."

"Well he doesn't get lost BECAUSE of the GPS," corrected Nephrite angrily.

Mamoru picked up the box holding the Shitennou stones. He punted it into the Grand Canyon.

"WAAAAAAA!" they screamed as they fell.

Mamoru got back in his car and drove home. He had a peaceful ride home for the first time in years.

* * *

He walked into his apartment. "Finally, I'll get a good night's sleep!"

He sat down on the couch. Then his heart stopped.

There sat the box, in mint condition, in the same spot he had found it initially.

"We're back!" said Jeddy.

"Didya miss us?" asked Nephrite.

"What was that about?" asked Zoisite.

"Were you lost?" asked Kunzite.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHGHGHGHHGHGHGHGHGHG!" screamed Mamoru.

He leaped out the window. The Shitennou followed.

"I GOT EM I GOT EM!" yelled Kunzite from the ground. But he was ghost so Mamoru flew right through him and hit the ground with a splat.

"Oooohh," cringed Zoisite. "That's gotta hurt!"

* * *

Mamoru woke up in the hospital.

"Are they gone? Was it all a horrible dream?"

The Shitennou were sitting in the hospital bed next to him, in casts just like him.

"I brought you flowers!" said Jadeite.

Mamoru unplugged his life support.

FIN


	74. Guardians Of Endymion 2

"Queen Mamoru!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Don't go Mamoru!" called Nephrite. "We need to guard you!"

Mamoru had just pulled the plug on himself so that he would die and escape the Shitennou being his guardians. He sped faster towards the light. "I MUST ESCAPE THESE DEMONS!" he cried.

Mamoru reached the light.

* * *

"Am I in Heaven...?" asked Mamoru. "Is it... is it finally over?"

"Yes," said Grandpa. "We are in Heaven!"

"Why are you in Heaven, Grandpa?"

"Well, I charged Satan and got sent to Super Hell, where I charged Super Satan and won. So I just walked up here, since there was no one to stop me. Why are you in Heaven, Mamo-chan?" asked Grandpa.

"Well, I had these ghosts haunting me, so I killed myself. I'm finally free!"

"Not exactly," said Grandpa, pulling off his mask and revealing himself to be Jadeite.

"So Mamoru," began Jadeite. "I followed you to heaven to tell you about a new source of energy I found! This one is going to be a hit!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHHG!" screamed Mamoru, waking up.

"HE'S ALIVE!" cried Jadeite with glee.

"Gee, I'm so glad!" said Motoki, Mamoru's doctor. "I was barely able to bring you back, Mamoru, but with the help of your ghosts I could pull it off!"

Mamoru slugged Motoki. "HOW COULD YOU?!" he screamed. "I WAS FINALLY FREE!"

"Free of what?" wondered Motoki. "Aren't you happy to be alive?"

"NOOOOOOOOOOO! I KILLeD MYSELF! BUT YOU RUINED EVERYTHING!"

"Well gosh Mamoru, I don't know what to say. I could recommend some therapists if you think that would help."

Mamoru sighed. "It's worth a shot."

* * *

"Hello Mamo-chan, tell me about your problems, sexy," said Dr. Grandpa.

"Grandpa, why are you a therapist?" asked Mamoru.

"Well, I charged Satan and lost and got sent to Super Hell, where I charged Super Satan and won, so then he offered to bring me back to life if I spared him. So here are I am!"

"But why are you a therapist?"

"It's been my life's dream. So why do you want to die?"

"It's horrible," Mamoru groaned. "I keep hearing the voices of the people who used to work for me but then worked for the enemy but then are working for me again. They won't stop!"

"Not with that attitude we won't," said Kunzite.

"Yeah, we try to help the guy, and this is how he repays us?" asked Zoisite indignantly. "Talking smack about us to old men? What an ass."

"Don't call me old, Zoisite. I am a spry young lad," stated Grandpa.

"WTF?!" cried Zoisite.

"WTF?!" cried Mamoru.

"I bet you're wondering how I can communicate with the dead, right?" inferred Grandpa. "Well, it all started when I charged Satan-"

"Yeah I don't care," said Mamoru. "Just tell them to leave me alone."

"First let's get to the bottom of why they're haunting you," suggested Gramps. "So what is your guys' beef with Mamoru?"

"Beef?" said Jadeite in shock. "We love Mamo-chan! We're only trying to help him!"

Grandpa nodded. "Mamoru, they said they're only trying to help you."

"I heard," barked Mamoru.

"Then what seems to be the problem?"

"Well for one, their advice is awful!"

"I see. And who's fault is it for training them to be bad?" Grandpa asked.

"Queen Beryl's fault."

"Negatory," said Granpda. "You trained them first."

"Hahahahhaa," laughed Jadeite. "'Negatory!' Like Negaverse! Where I used to work!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Nephrite just to be obnoxious.

"Ok, so maybe I did slack off on their training," admitted Mamoru. "And maybe I'm the reason they joined Beryl."

"Yeah," said Zoisite. "You kept trying to ship me with that blue haired girl. You didn't let me be gay so this is what you get!"

"Come on guys," pleaded Mamoru. "Can't I make it up to ya? I'll give you anything you want!"

"Ok," said Jadeite. "We want to be your guardians!"

"ANYTHING BUT THAT!" screamed Mamoru.

"Sorry but no deal," said Kunzite. "We swore our loyalty to you, we can't go against you!"

"BUT YOU DID!"

"But we've learned from our mistakes!"

"I have an idea," said Grandpa. "Why don't you just challenge them to a duel to make them buzz off. If you win, they buzz off, but if they win, they haunt you for eternity!"

"If that's my only option, then let's duel!" screamed Mamoru.

"Good idea," agreed Kunzite. "We shall fight you on top of the Tokyo tower at midnight. Cya there!"

Mamoru celebrated his freedom until midnight, when he showed up to duel.

"Alright," announced Nephrite. "All four of us against you."

"What is this?" demanded Mamoru. "Australian rules?"

"Yep, let's go!"

"Let's go!" said Mamoru, transforming into Tuxedo Mask. He charged them with all his might. He promised himself that he was going to defeat them, or die trying. Either way he would win.

He lunged at them. But when he reached them, he realized that he could not hit ghosts. He was unable to slow down and sped right through them, falling off the Tokyo tower.

"AT LEAST I'LL DIIEEEEEEEE!" he cried with glee as he fell to his doom.

* * *

He woke up in the hospital.

"My, my, still trying to kill ourselves, I see," said Motoki the doctor. "You gave us quite the scare!"

Mamoru started foaming at the mouth.

"Luckily, I predicted you were going to try to kill yourself again, so I put a trampoline down at the bottom of where I suspected you'd jump. I'm so happy you're alive!"

Mamoru snapped. He bit off Motoki's face and chopped him into pieces.

"Maybe I will be haunted for the rest of my life, but at least that guy's gone."

Motoki's spirit appeared. "Hey boys!"

"Hey bud!" said Jadeite. "Long time no see!"

"Woah, there's two Jadeites?" asked Kunzite.

"No," said Motoki. "I'm Motoki!"

"Who?" asked Zoisite.

"You took my girlfriend's rainbow crystal," explained Motoki.

"That doesn't sound like me at all," said Zoisite.

"Whelp, looks like I'm not appearing in season five after all," chuckled Motoki.

"It's okay, at least I will be," said Mamoru. He had lost so many brain cells from his pure fury that he finally calmed down and accepted the spirits.

* * *

Mamoru sat on a plane, holding a picture of Usagi, Chibi-usa and himself.

"Why did you guys tell me to go to America? This is stupid," said Mamoru.

"My girlfriend always goes on trips far away! And we still get along just fine!"

"I heard Reika cheered when you died," said Mamoru. "I heard her joy all the way from Africa."

"How'd you know she was in Africa?" asked Motoki.

"Well when I was taking her rainbow crystal for the second time-"

"You took her rainbow crystal again?" asked Zoisite in shock. "What a douche, I have one thing and he steals it."

"No, I was just collecting the rainbow crystal HOLDERS, not the actual crystals," Mamoru explained.

"Why?" asked Kunzite. "I'm genuinely curious. I mean you made fun of my plans, I want to know what you thought was a better idea."

"Beryl told me that it would make a strong warrior, so-"

"Sounds like filler to me," said Nephrite.

"Your whole ark was filler!" yelled Zoisite.

"Your whole face was filler!" yelled Nephrite.

"How could you!" cried Zoisite.

"SHUUUUUUUUUUUUT YOUR FACE!" shouted Mamoru.

"I can't, my whole face is filler," said Zoisite.

"CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN IT!"

The whole plane was now staring at Mamoru.

The sleeping baby behind him woke up and started crying and kicking his chair.

"Wow, good job Mamoru," scoffed Kunzite. "NOT!"

"You never used to be this mean when we went to community college together," said Motoki.

"Lol Mamoru, you went to community college?" scoffed Nephrite.

"At least he went to college," sneered Zoisite.

"Hey, at least I went to high school," sneered Nephrite.

"At least I'm not a faggot!" yelled Zoisite.

"But-" began Nephrite.

"Stop fighting," cried Jadeite. "At least you both went to middle school... unlike me D:"

"Why didn't you go to middle school?" asked Kunzite.

"I dropped out to join the Negaverse."

"D'awww," said Motoki.

"I don't know guys," said Mamoru. "I don't think going to America all season is a good idea. What if some drag queen alien tries to hook up with my Usagi?"

"That could never happen!" insisted Motoki. "Usagi is straight!"

"What do you know?" asked Jadeite. "I think Mamoru should go back."

"I do too," decided Mamoru. "Turn this plane around!"

The plane went to turn around, when it was suddenly struck by a wild Galaxia.

"Should I go fight whoever it is?" Mamoru asked.

"Nah," said Jadeite. "You couldn't even beat me, and this is five seasons later. The enemy is probably really strong now!"

"And you haven't even gotten a power-up since the beginning of the show!" reminded Kunzite.

"Hey," argued Mamoru. "I've still always been able to keep up!"

"Yeah," agreed Motoki. "You go for it! Wait a minute, Mamoru is Tuxedo Mask?!"

"He's also Prince Endymion, former prince of Earth!" said Jadeite.

"And King Endymion, future king of Earth," added Kunzite.

"Lol remember when Mamoru was Muslim?" asked Nephrite.

"You mean to say, he was the Moonlight Knight too?!" Motoki gasped.

"What a bunch of filler," sighed Zoisite.

"IMA GO FIGHT!" decided Mamoru at last, leaping on the wing of the plane.

"LOL!" laughed Galaxia. "Let's go boi!"

Mamoru charged. As he charged, all the Shitennou and Motoki cheered him on.

"GO GET EM MAMORU!"

Mamoru swung his stick but it was futile. Galaxia stole his star seed.

"There are warriors that fight for truth and love, and they will stop you!" warned Mamoru as he died.

"I guarantee 95% of them will die this round," stated Nephrite.

"You wanna bet?" challenged Zoisite.

"Yeah let's bet on it!"

"Wait how will we know what happeeeeneneenesssss-" they cried as they all died with Mamoru.

* * *

A whole season later, Mamoru was revived from his star seed.

"Ugh, what happened last night?" asked Nephrite, dizzy. "I must have been really wasted."

"Nah I think Mamoru just failed and died again," said Kunzite.

"Did Chibi-usa disappear when he died?" asked Jadeite.

"Nah that was just filler," said Zoisite.

"Aawww, yuck!" cried Jadeite, when a nude Sailor Moon hugged Mamoru. "Why is she nude?!"

"Yeah, put some clothes on!" heckled Kunzite.

"Why was getting undressed necessary to defeat Galaxia?" Zoisite asked. "Is Galaxia a lesbian? Did it distract her?"

"All good questions," said Motoki.

"HEY LOOK, IT's GALAXIA! UP THERE!" yelled Jadeite, pointing at the no longer evil Galaxia who was on her way to put star seeds back.

"GO GET HER!" screamed Kunzite. "DON'T LET HER ESCAPE!"

"Got it!" said Mamoru. He charged good Galaxia like a wild man.

"Wait how are you flying again?" asked Nephrite.

"Oh it comes and goes," replied Jadeite.

Mamoru swatted down Galaxia.

"No, you don't understand!" she cried. "I'm good now!"

"Save it for Satan!" yelled Mamoru, finishing her off. Galaxia was no more.

"WAAAAA!" cried Sailor Moon. "Y U DO DIS!?"

"I can't take you seriously when you're randomly naked," said Mamoru, flying away.

"D'oh," said Usagi. "I knew I should have kept my clothes on."

* * *

"We are gathered here to day to join in the holy matrimony of Mr. Mamoru Chiba and Ms. Usagi Sukigo!" said the priest, Grandpa.

"Why is Granpda the priest?" asked Jadeite.

"It's my life's dream," answered Grandpa.

"Ah, so it was actually a religious temple that he lived at?" asked Zoisite.

"No wonder they took it out of the Korean dub," responded Kunzite.

"It's Tsukino," corrected Usagi.

"What's it matter?" barked Grandpa. "In a few minutes you're going to take on the stupid last name 'Chiba.' Lmao Chiba!"

Usagi scowled.

Motoki rubbed the tears out of his eyes. "Our little Mamoru is getting married. He's so young!"

Jadeite sobbed too. "They grow up so fast!"

"Hey Mamoru?" began Usagi.

"Oh no," said Mamoru.

"How come you didn't bring any guests to the wedding?"

"I did!" replied Mamoru. "They're all right here," he said, pointing to the ghosts that she couldn't see.

"Ok..." she said. "Come on Granpda, keep it rolling."

"Alright," said Granpda. He layed down on the floor and rolled off the stage.

"Don't worry brahhh!" said Chad, Grandpa's precessor. "I shall do the vows, yaaaaa?"

"Ok..." said Usagi.

"Do you, Mamoru Chiba, take this shyyaa brahhhh, to be your lawfully wedded chyyyaaaaaaa?"

"I don't like this guy," said Zoisite.

"You're ruining the moment!" cried Jadeite and Motoki.

Nephrite was half asleep. Kunzite was texting on his phone.

"Stop being rude," scolded Mamoru. "This is the best day of my life!"

Nephrite woke up. "Huh?"

Kunzite kept texting.

"Who are you texting?!" demanded Zoisite.

"You, turn on your phone!"

Zoisite took out his phone. He read Kunzite's text. "LOL, you're right, Mamoru would totally do that!"

"Do what?" demanded Mamoru.

"What do you mean, 'Do what?'" replied Usagi. "You're supposed to say, 'I do!'"

"Oh ye right. I do!" said Mamoru.

"Now let's think about this," said Nephrite. "If you get married, you won't be able to date good ol' Setsuna Mayo!"

"I don't want to date Setsuna Mayo," said Mamoru.

"Well she has the hots for you," Jadeite informed him.

"Yeah," added Zoisite. "Just look at the way she looks at you!"

"Setsuna Mayo is a total goober!" yelled Mamoru.

"WTF!?" cried Setsuna from the audience.

"Why are you thinking about her on our wedding day?!" demanded Usagi.

"Pls!" cried Mamoru. "It's not what it looks like!"

"You mean sounds like?" corrected Kunzite.

"SHUT UP!" yelled Mamoru.

"Mamoru why are you acting like this!?" asked Usagi in shock.

"THE GHOSTS IN MY HEAD WON'T STOP!"

"Hey, I hardly said anything," complained Motoki.

"Anyway brahhhhh," said Chad. "Do you take this young brahhh to be your brahhhh for evahhhhhhh Usaghahahaha?"

"I don't understand you, but I do," said Usagi.

"Shyyaaaa yaaaaa brahhh! So you may now ki- wait brahhh! I forgot to ask if anyone had reasons why you should not be wed brahhhhhhs!"

"I object!" yelled Zoisite.

But unfortunately, Chad could not hear him.

"Shyaaa, great! You may now kiss brahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

They finally kissed.

"Aww yuck!" yelled Jadeite. "Keep it PG!"

"Oh btw," began Usagi. "I'm pregnant."

"WHHHHAT?!" gasped Mamoru.

"DAMMIT MAMORU!" yelled Kunzite. "Didn't we advise you to use protection? Didn't ya know Chibi-usa was coming?"

"WAAAA!" cried Mamoru.

"QUICK MAMORU MAKE A RUN FOR IT!" yelled Nephrite.

Mamoru made a run for it. But Galaxia's ghost tripped him.

"That's for killing me!" she yelled, flying away.

Mamoru's falling caused him to lose his head start and he was dragged back while he tried to claw at the crowd.

"Nooooo!" yelled Mamoru.

FIN


	75. Jed's Egg Hunt

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"What is it, Jadeite? Make it snappy!"

"I found out the humans have this holiday called Easter! I did a lot of research and learned all about it, so I could inform you!"

Queen Beryl adjusted her bunny ears. She also had face paint on with whiskers and a bunny nose.

"I know what Easter is, Jadeite."

"Aww, ya do?" he asked, disappointed. "But I wrote this whole essay!"

"Burn it!"

"WAAAAA!"

"Jadeite why aren't you wearing the bunny ears I left in your mailbox?"

"I have a mailbox?"

"SLEEP FOREVER!"

Jadeite fled within an inch of his life.

"Well gosh, I can't let all this research I did go to waste," decided Jadeite. "I must set up what the humans call, an 'egg hunt!'"

* * *

Jadeite ran into the main throne room.

"GUYS GUYS GUYS!" he exclaimed. "I have something awesome for you to do!"

They all turned and glared at him.

"Jadeite," said Nephrite. "Can't you see we're playing jacks here?"

"Yeah, you goober!" yelled Zoisite. "You made me miss a jack, Jack!"

"Oh I'm sorry," apologized Jadeite. "But I have set up an EASTER EGG HUNT for you all to do!"

Kunzite scowled at him. "Jadeite."

"Do you think we are 12 years old?" he asked.

"Do you want me to?" asked Jadeite.

"Jadeite you're a disgrace," said Kunzite.

"Well gosh you didn't have to hurt my feelings."

Jadeite left the room, hanging his head.

He walked up to Beryl.

"Queen Beryl, since you're in the Easter spirit, do you want to do an egg hunt I set up?"

"Jadeite why aren't you wearing the bunny ears?"

"I couldn't find them, m'lady."

"Jadeite get out of my sight."

"Yes m'lady."

Jadeite moped back to his room. "If my fellow Shitennou won't do the egg hunt that I so painstakingly set up, I guess I'll just have to ask randoms!"

He teleported to Earth.

* * *

"Hey Grandpa!" exclaimed Jadeite. "Want to hunt for eggs?"

"No but you can hunt for my willy," said Rei's Grandpa.

"Excuse me?!" demanded Jadeite.

Grandpa fled.

Jadeite teleported to Juuban high school.

"Hey kids!" he said.

"Eww it's Jadeite," said Melvin.

"How do you know my name?!" he demanded.

"I know everyone's name!" chuckled Melvin. "Even Nephrite's! He's my favorite Shitennou!"

"Well anyway," said Jadeite. "Do any of you want to come to my egg hunt?"

"Where is it?" asked Molly.

"In the Negaverse!"

"Sounds like a trap," said Usagi.

"But it's not!" Jadeite promised.

"I don't believe you!"

"Look, I even got this bus to take you all to the Negaverse!"

"Jadeite, is this one of your plans to steal energy?" Usagi asked.

"No! I mean it was gonna be, but then Queen Beryl-"

Uasgi, Molly, and Melvin fled.

"DRATS!" yelled Jadeite. "But I must keep trying!"

* * *

"Listen, guys, I know you don't want to do the egg hunt, but-" began Jadeite, to his fellow Shitennou.

"Jadeite, can't you see we're in the middle of hopscotch?!" barked Kunzite.

"Dammit Jadeite!" cried Nephrite. "I stepped on the space where I threw my rock! Now I have to start over!"

"Oh come on," whined Jadeite. "An egg hunt is funner than this!"

"I just told you, Jadeite," said Kunzite. "We are not 12 years old."

Kunzite threw his rock and skipped across the hopscotch board.

"..." said Jadeite.

He stood there and watched glumly as they had a good time without him.

"Aww fine, I'll leave," said Jadeite, not leaving.

He was ignored.

"It's just a shame that all those awesome prizes I put in the eggs will go to waste..."

"Prizes...?" began Zoisite, pausing in the middle of the hopscotch board.

"Oh yeah, a whole bunch of them!" exclaimed Jadeite.

"Pssh," scoffed Nephrite. "Like what? Candy? Bouncy balls?"

"Yep! And some other random stuff I found lying around. For example, Nephrite's credit card, Nephrite's car keys, Queen Beryl's crystal ball, a twenty karot diamond, Zoisite's iPod, Kunzite's cape..."

"WTF!?" they all shouted.

Kunzite spun around and didn't see his cape. "WAAAT?!"

"I want Nephrite's credit card!" exclaimed Zoisite.

"I want Zoisite's iPod!" yelled Nephrite. "I can delete all the songs!"

"You monster!"

"Oh and there's even more!" Jadeite went on. "Like a used toothbrush, an empty gum pack, the silver imperium crystal, a toenail clipping-"

"WAIT WHAT!?" screamed Beryl, running in.

"A toenail clipping?" Jadeite repeated.

"No, before that!"

"Zoisite's iPod?"

"After that!"

"The silver imperium crystal?"

"Yeah that one! WHERE DID YOU GET IT?!" barked Beryl.

"Usagi dropped it when I was chasing after her and begging her to go to my egg hunt!"

"AND WHERE IS IT NOW?!" Beryl shouted.

"In one of the eggs."

"Which egg?"

"Beats me!"

"JADEITE!" she howled, going to kill him.

"If you kill me, I won't tell ya where I hid the eggs!" Jadeite cried, thinking fast.

Queen Beryl hesitated.

"Ok, here's where I hid the eggs," he said at last. "All throughout the Negaverse! Happy hunting!"

Beryl killed Jadeite. "Alright," she said to the other Shitennou. "You guys stay here while I-"

But everyone was gone.

"GRRR!" screamed Beryl. She dashed through the Negaverse searching desperately.

She grabbed a random egg that was hidden on her throne and smashed it open. It was Nephrite's car keys. She threw them out the window.

The she ran down a corridor, and as she ran she passed Grandpa and Melvin. They had somehow gotten word of the prizes, and had teamed up to find them.

"Awww sweet!" yelled Melvin, opening an egg. "This one had Kunzite's cape!"

He put it on and sped away.

Kunzite watched Melvin run by out of the corner of his eye and chased after him.

"No Kunzite, come back! You need to help me search!" cried Zoisite.

"Sorry but you're on your own now, this is personal!"

Grandpa dashed through the Negaverse and opened eggs at full speed. After 20 used toothbrushes, he found Zoisite's iPod.

"All these songs are gay," he said deleting them all.

"You jerk!"

"WHY CAN'T I FIND ANY EGGS!" cried Beryl.

"Yay I finally found one!" exclaimed Nephrite.

Beryl swatted it out of his hand and stole it.

She smashed it open. "Eww, Nephrite's credit card!"

She punted it out the window right in front of Nephrite.

Nephrite gasped.

He leaped out the window after it. He fell into the void. "Aww sweet, an egg down here!" he called from the bottom of the void.

Queen Beryl leaped in after it, but couldn't find it. When she flew out, Nephrite grabbed on and secretly escaped to safety.

"BATHROOM BREAK!" called Melvin. He ran into the lady's room and locked the door, trapping Kunzite outside.

"Look at that!" he exclaimed. "An egg in the toilet!"

He pulled it out. There was a roll of toilet paper inside.

"Aww yea, a win!"

"GIVE ME MY CAPE!" yelled Kunzite, smashing down the door.

Melvin quickly flushed himself down the toilet.

"Kids have been doing this to me for years!" he called as he escaped.

Kunzite dived headfirst into the toilet, but couldn't fit.

Queen Beryl kept dashing through the halls, when suddenly an egg fell out of her dress.

"... How did Jadeite get that in there?" she asked disturbed.

She smashed it open. It was a raw egg and splattered everywhere. "GAH!" she yelled.

Next she checked Metalia's room.

There was an egg perched peculiarly on top of Metalia's vessel. Metalia was sound asleep.

Careful not to wake her, Beryl tiptoed into the room. "Almost got it..." she grunted, reaching for the egg. She tripped and fell inside Metalia, who devoured her.

Meanwhile, Nephrite began communicating with the stars. "Stars, give me the power to find eggs!"

The stars dropped out a black crystal.

"OH BOY THESE ALWAYS WORK WELL!" exclaimed Nephrite.

He pointed the black crystal. "Take me to the eggs!"

It nodded.

Zoisite spotted him with the black crystal. "He's gonna use that to find the silver crystal! I must steal it!"

Nephrite hopped in his car and drove down the street. Zoisite leaped after him and grabbed onto the tail pipe.

Five hours later, Zoisite tapped on his window. He was on the windshield of the car.

"Let me in!" he yelled. "It's raining!"

"WTF?!" cried Nephrite. "Where did you come from?!"

He turned on his windshield whipers. Zoisite was pushed off the car and stranded in the middle of the desert.

"WHY IS IT POURING IN THE DESERT!"

Nephrite continued on. "Am I even in the Negaverse anymore?" he wondered.

Finally the crystal stopped blinking and he knew he was at his destination.

He barged into the barn, where hens were laying eggs everywhere.

"THESE AREN't EASTER EGGS!" he wailed. "THEY'RE JUST REGULAR EGGS!" He started slugging the chickens.

Suddenly, a hillbilly with a shotgun appeared and started open firing on Nephrite. He teleported at the last second, but not before getting snipped in the foot.

"YOUCH!" he called.

"STARS!" he demanded. "WHY DID YOU BETRAY ME!?"

The stars gave a guilty expression. "I mean, you didn't actually say Easter eggs, all you said was eggs."

"WAAAA!"

"Why didn't you ask for something that would find the silver crystal, since that's what you were really looking for?" the stars wondered.

"Things like that never seem to work," sighed Nephrite, throwing in the towel at last.

Melvin finally shot out of the sewer pipes.

"I'm a free elf!" he yelled.

Kunzite appeared behind him.

"Yuh oh!" cried Melvin. His legs ran on their own, and Melvin's body had to leap on top of his legs to keep up.

"Gotta blast!"

But Kunzite summoned a lasso and caught Melvin. He reeled him in.

"Aww nuts," chortled Melvin. "Whelp, here's your cape!"

It was covered in sewage.

"You know, capes are overrated," decided Kunzite, leaving.

"Hey can you let me go?" asked Melvin.

Kunzite picked up Melvin and threw him into the sun.

Finally Zoisite crawled back from the desert.

"Kunzite it was awful! It was both raining, snowing, and sandstorming! But now that I'm back, we can find the silver crystal!"

"The what?" remembered Kunzite.

Right on cue, Granpda called out, "I FOUND IT!"

He had the silver crystal.

"Hey Gramps, put in the middle? Fair fight?" asked Zoisite.

"Sure!" said Grandpa.

"Aww yea!" grinned Zoisite. "eZ snatch!"

Kunzite got in position.

Zoisite put twenty dollars in the middle, and Grandpa layed down the crystal.

Kunzite appeared in the middle to take the crystal, but while he was gloating, Mamoru appeared and swatted him down. He took the silver crystal and put it on the end of his stick.

"Not so fast!" yelled Kunzite, shooting a boomerang at him.

Mamoru reflected it with the silver crystal.

Kunzite tried to cape block, but he no longer had his cape. He died from his own minor attack.

"Ah well, in retrospect I guess the cape wouldn't have been much help anyway," sighed Kunzite as he died.

"D'oh," said Zoisite.

Mamoru took over the world with Grandpa as his queen.

FIN


	76. Kunzite Finally Snaps

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

Queen Beryl started howling like an ape and pounding on her chest.

"Did I… did I say something wrong, m'lady?" Jadeite asked in horror.

"No Jadeite, I was just doing my morning work-out routine," responded Beryl.

"?" asked Jadeite.

"So anyway, Jadeite," said Queen Beryl. "I found a new source of energy!"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!" gasped Jadeite.

"Yup. And it involves all four of you working together!"

"Uh oh, teamwork!" cried Jadeite in horror. "Our only weakness!"

"Bring in the others!" demanded Beryl. "ASAP!"

"Well ya see, m'queen, me and the others don't quite get along very well. If I go to gather them, they'll kill me!"

"Lol good luck," laughed Beryl.

* * *

Five hours later a brutally bashed Jadeite returned with the other three on a leash.

"Man they really put up a fight!" chuckled Jadeite.

"LET US GOOOOOOOOO!" they yelled.

Nephrite was taking a chomp on his leash.

"Lol," laughed Beryl. "So anyway, just for kicks, I'm gonna make you all work together!"

"LET US GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" they repeated.

"Nope, can't do!" said Beryl. "Now here's the plan! I want you guys to get energy!"

"Wait, but you said that you had a source of energy!" reminded Jadeite.

"There's no such thing as sources of energy, Jadeite," said Beryl. "Your life was a lie. You've been living in a fantasy land!"

"…!?" cried Jadeite.

"Yep! Now get to work!"

She booted them all out of the North Pole with a giant boot. They landed on an iceberg.

"So what's the plan?" Jadeite asked his friends.

"Well," began Kunzite, "I think we should just do a simple-"

"No!" exclaimed Jadeite passionately. "We need a convoluted, elaborate, and most likely unsuccessful scheme!"

Nephrite nodded. "Yeah, yeah! And it should involve disguises! I have one, it's called Maxfield Stanton!"

"Yeah!" agreed Zoisite. "As long as I can dress up like a girl, I'm in!"

"No," said Kunzite. "I think if we keep it basic-"

Everyone shunned him.

* * *

They warped to a street corner in a small town in the American Midwest.

Jadeite tipped his sombrero, and adjusted his off-colored mustache.

Nephrite wore a disguise that was somewhere in between Tuxedo Mask and a scuba diver. "I call it, Tuxscooba Stanton!" he told them.

Zoisite was dressed up like a female nurse but with a fedora.

Kunzite was in his regular garb.

"What are you guys doing?!" Kunzite demanded.

"What's your disguise supposed to be?" asked Zoisite.

"Are you cosplaying as a homosexual?" asked Nephrite.

"Nope, I am Lord Kunzite of the Dark Kingdom!" Kunzite shouted.

"So basically what I said…" muttered Nephrite under his breath.

Jadeite tucked his poncho into his baggy 90's pants. "You know guys, maybe our costumes should have matched up?"

"You're the ones who didn't match," barked Nephrite. "I told you we were doing diving themed!"

"What's our plan again?" asked Zoisite, adjusting his fedora.

"Well, this will be a tough one thanks to sloppy disguise work, especially from that wingnut Kunzite, but I'll come up with something!" promised Jadeite. "Let me think…"

Jadeite thought for a moment.

"I've got it!"

* * *

They appeared in a notorious tourist spot in Japan.

"Now," said Jadeite, "We wait!"

They waited for three hours.

"These heels were a bad choice," said Zoisite.

Nephrite was curled up in a ball like a dog. "Man, this scuba diver costume is overheating me! As is the Tuxedo! A bad decision all around!"

"Now's our chance!" yelled Jadeite, waking everyone up.

"What are we aiming for?" asked Kunzite skeptically.

"Those tour guides!" Jadeite explained.

Kunzite glared at him. "This whole time, we were just waiting for tour guides? Any tour guides?"

"No no no," said Jadeite. "We were waiting for a group of four!"

They jumped the group of four, and stole their outfits.

"Now we're tour guides!" Jadeite said triumphantly.

"Wait," said Kunzite. "We waited three hours just to steal outfits? What was the point of the original disguises, then!?"

"Cover," Jadeite explained.

"Come on Kunzite," said Nephrite. "Everyone knows that cover is the most important part of any plan!"

Kunzite started sputtering. "But if we were only taking costumes, why did we wait for a group of four?! The others could have just disguised as tourists if we didn't get enough costumes!"

Jadeite shook his head. "Some people just don't understand sophisticated plan mechanics. We wouldn't want to steal our own energy, now would we?"

"That doesn't make any sense!"

"Your previous disguise didn't make any sense!" snapped Jadeite. "Now sssshhhhh, our tourists have arrived!"

The tourists walked up to them.

"Howdy!" said Jadeite. "I'm Jed, and we're gonna be your tour guides today!"

"Cool, I guess," said Taiki. "We're new to this planet- I mean town! Show us around!"

"Okey dokey!" said Jed.

They began the tour.

"So now that we've got them alone, we can steal their energy, right?" asked Kunzite.

Jadeite put his hand up and shook his head. "Patience."

"Yeah, patience is virtue!" yelled Mamoru from the back of the tour group.

"That guy looks familiar," remarked Kunzite. "We should be on guard."

"No way," said Nephrite. "Everyone knows that trust is the most important part of any plan!"

"But you said-"

"Can it!" yelled Nephrite.

"So this is Tokyo," said Jadeite. "And this is the park!"

"Ooooo," said Zoisite. "This is where I killed Nephrite!"

"WELL TECHNICALLY, you didn't kill me!" Nephrite said mockingly. "You had to have your lowly servants do it!"

"Ooooo, this is the shipping yard where I disguised myself as Sailor Moon!" Zoisite explained to the toursists.

"Huh," said Mamoru. "Why does this guy seem vaguely familiar?"

They went on.

"And this is the Tokyo Tower! Where I tricked the dimwitted Mamoru Chiba into giving me his rainbow crystals!"

"HEY!" cried Mamoru. "Who are you, tour guide?! How do you know me?!"

"Crap, they're onto us," cried Jadeite. "Time for plan B! Act natural!"

They all took off in a mad sprint. The tourists sprinted after them.

"WHY ARE THEY FOLLOWING US!?" cried Jed.

"We paid good money for this tour!" the tourists shouted.

"Why did you charge them?" asked Kunzite.

"Well I don't just give out tours for free!" Jadeite sighed with exasperation.

They ran down a dark alley.

Zoisite spotted a dumpster. "Guys, in here!"

They all leaped in. Kunzite followed without thinking.

"Dammit you guys!" yelled Kunzite. "You just couldn't act normal for long enough that we could complete the plan! Now it's all ruined!"

"Not be a long shot," said Jadeite. "This was all part of the plan."

"Yeah, come on," said Nephrite. "Everyone knows that all good plans have their ups and downs!"

"WHY DIDN'T WE JUST START IN THE DUMPSTER!?" shouted Kunzite.

"Because that would have been suspicious!"

Kunzite was foaming at the mouth.

"Could we get out of this dumpster soon?" asked Zoisite. "It's starting to smell!"

"It's all about you, huh?" barked Nephrite.

"Wtf, I didn't even say anything to you!" Zoisite shouted indignantly.

"You think I like being in a dumpster?" asked Nephrite.

"Maybe, since your house is one!"

"Alright, that's it!" said Nephrite. "One more outburst like that and you're fin!"

Jadeite threw a wild punch at Nephrite.

"So that's how you wanna play it Zoisite?!" yelled Nephrite.

"HUH!?" cried Zoisite.

Nephrite started flailing and hitting everyone in the dumpster. The dumpster started to shake from all the scrapping. Finally it tipped over and they fell out.

"WAAA!" cried the drug dealers who had just been in the middle of a deal in the alley.

They pulled out their guns. "You didn't see anything, did you?" they yelled.

"Yeah, we didn't see anything!" Kunzite agreed.

"What do you mean?" Zoisite asked him. "We just saw them doing a drug deal! A really important one too, judging by their looks!"

"What are you doing!?" whisper-yelled Kunzite.

"Shhhh," whisper-yelled Jadeite. "It's all part of the plan!"

"Is the plan getting killed?!" barked Kunzite.

"So, you think you guys are tough, huh?" scoffed the drug dealers.

"Aww yeah!" yelled Nephrite.

"NO NO NO!" yelled Kunzite. "Please ignore my buds! They don't know what they're saying! They're mentally disabled!"

"Nope," said Jadeite. "We know exactly what we're saying. And we're saying, you guys ain't got nothing on us!"

Kunzite double took in fear. "JADEIIIIIITE!"

"Oh yeah, well how about now?!" the drug dealer screamed. 20 more drug dealers leaped down from atop a nearby building.

"WAAAAAA!" the Shitennou cried. They were surrounded.

"Welp this is where my story ends," said Jadeite.

"Nah," laughed Nephrite. "Everyone knows that fear-induced adrenaline is the most important part of any plan!"

The drug gang began open firing.

They all squeezed their eyes shut.

"See you on the other side!" cried Zoisite.

"I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!" Jadeite wept.

Right at the last second, Kunzite teleported them away to the rooftop. The drug gang didn't realize they had left so they all shot each other. Not a single gang member remained.

"Ha!" scoffed Jadeite. "I knew we'd make it out of there alive!"

"What are you talking about?!" shouted Kunzite. "If it wasn't for me, you'd all be dead!"

"No, no, no," said Jadeite, shaking his head. "It was all part of the plan. We had that under control."

"Yeah," said Nephrite. "Everyone knows that acting is the most important part of any plan!"

Kunzite's eye started to twitch.

He finally calmed down. "So now what do we do?"

"Now," said Jadeite. "We wait!"

Suddenly, they were approached by another gang on the rooftop.

"DON't KILL US!" Jadeite began to sob. "I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!"

"Kill you? We should be praising you!" said one of the gang people. "You wiped out our rival drug gang in one foul swoop!"

"Well actually," said Kunzite. "It was all me!"

"There's no 'me' in team!" said Jadeite.

"THERE TOTALLY IS!" yelled Kunzite.

"Anyway," began the gang guy. "We could use all of you guys' brute force to help us sell drugs. What do ya say?"

"Well actually," said Kunzite. "We really must be getting on our way…"

"We're in!" yelled everyone but Kunzite.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" whispered Kunzite.

"It's all…. Part of….. The plan!" Jadeite replied.

"GAH!"

* * *

They took their position on the street corner.

"Drugs! Get your drugs here!" yelled Jadeite at oncoming traffic.

Nephrite had a car wash type sign that he was spinning. On it read "DRUGS SOLD HERE!"

Zoisite was wearing a heroin needle costume, and was dancing around like a fool.

"What are you guys doing?!" barked Kunzite.

"You know you ask that a lot," noted Jadeite. "Instead of asking what we're doing, you should be asking what you could be doing! Now go hang up these posters!"

Kunzite looked at the poster. It said, "Drugs!" and the address of where they were standing.

"You know drugs are illegal, right?" asked Kunzite.

"So…?" asked Jed.

"So you guys will go to jail if you get caught!"

"Don't you mean we guys will go to jail?" asked Jadeite.

"Nope, I have nothing to do with this fiasco!" Kunzite declared.

Suddenly, a customer showed up. It was a cop.

"Hello, friendly officer of the law!" said Jadeite. "Wanna buy some drugs? We have a men in blue discount, for 20% off!" he winked.

The cop jumped out of the car. He pulled out four pairs of handcuffs.

Kunzite made a break for it, but they shot him down with an extendable Taser.

"Uh oh!" cried Jadeite. "Looks like that cop is not a very happy camper!"

"Quick!" cried Nephrite. "Do all the drugs!"

He grabbed twenty needles and injected them at the same time. He fell to the ground and twitched.

Jadeite took a whole bottle of pills and munched them. Zoisite inhaled a mountain of cocaine.

They all spazzed wildly as they were shoved into the cop car.

Nephrite's eyes were dilated, and he looked straight at Kunzite. "I… see… everything!"

He passed out.

* * *

They awoke in the police interrogation room.

"Man, I'm really hungover," said Nephrite. "And I don't think it's from alcohol this time!"

Jadeite and Zoisite were shaking. "Give us… another fix!" they cried.

Kunzite face-palmed.

"So," said the cop, Grandpa.

"Grandpa!" cried Kunzite, "Why are you a cop?!"

Grandpa slugged him. "I'm asking the questions here! Now do you fairies think you'll last in prison?" he barked.

Kunzite shrugged. "I mean, I think so!"

"No!" cried Jadeite. "Don't take us away! I'm too pretty to go to prison, do you know what they'll do to me?!" Jadeite started sobbing.

"Only queers like Zoisite would wanna be in prison!" agreed Nephrite.

"Hey!" yelled Zoisite. "That was so uncalled for!"

"What, are you saying that you wouldn't drop the soap on purpose? Huh Zoisite?" yelled Nephrite.

"Maybe in my younger years, but now I'm in a committed relationship!"'

"Well," said Grandpa. "Considering that we caught you not only selling drugs, but doing drugs as well, you boys are in some serious trouble. There is one thing you can do, but it's very risky and there's a big chance you might die!"

"Actually," said Kunzite. "I think prison sounds fine. I will gladly repay my debt to society."

"We'll do anything!" cried Jadeite.

"Excellent," said Gramps. "Now take these wires and strap em' to your chests. You've got some infiltration to do!"

* * *

"Why did we need to infiltrate a new gang?" Kunzite asked. "We could have just given him everyone from the old gang!"

"P… l… a… n…" spelled Jadeite, wagging a finger. "Do you know what that spells?"

Kunzite didn't answer.

"What a flunk-out," sighed Jadeite.

"Yeah," joined in Nephrite. "Everyone knows you dropped out of pre-K!"

"No, shut up!" yelled Kunzite.

They entered the gang leader's office.

"Heyo!" said Jadeite. "So," he began. "We were thinking about applying for this here drug gang!"

"Hmm," said the gang leader suspiciously. "And how do you know we're a drug gang?"

"The police told us- I mean, we buy all our drugs from you! We've been your loyal customers for so many years!"

"Really?" asked the leader skeptically. "I've never seen you before, what type of drugs do you buy from us?"

"Um…" said Jadeite, going blank.

"I'm addicted to ecstasy!" exclaimed Nephrite.

"Nice save," whispered Jadeite.

"What do you mean, I was just sharing a secret with my good friends," Nephrite replied, confused.

"We don't sell ecstasy…" the leader said slowly.

"Oh, did I say ecstasy?" said Nephrite. "I meant… wacky shrooms!"

"We don't sell those either," the leader said, reaching for his gun.

"Damn, and you call yourself a drug dealer?" Nephrite barked.

"Yes!" shouted the drug dealer, infuriated.

"Hey, just wondering," Zoisite said to the gang leader. "What's your name again? Oh, and uh, make sure to say it into this microphone!"

"MICROPHONE!?" gasped the drug dealer. He ripped Zoisite's shirt off, revealing his wire.

"Oh my!" blushed Zoisite. "I'll have you know, I'm in a committed relationship!"

"KILL THEM!" screamed the leader.

"What, you can't have me, so you'll just kill us all?!" demanded Zoisite. "No wonder you don't have a boyfriend!"

"Welp this looks like the end!" said Jadeite. "Wait, Kunzite, teleport us out!"

"Nope," said Kunzite. "If this was all part of the plan, you should have a way out on your own!"

"I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!" cried Jadeite.

Kunzite had finally confirmed that they really did have no way out. He was about to teleport them, when suddenly, an FBI helicopter flew through the wall.

The helicopter shot down the drug leader and his cronies.

"Thanks!" cried Nephrite.

"See?" said Jadeite to Kunzite.

"THAT WAS JUST SHEER LUCK!" yelled Kunzite.

"Nope it was all part of the plan!"

"Great work, you guys!" said the FBI. "You baiting them into revealing their malicious ways by going to kill you gave us the opportunity to rid ourselves of a major criminal organization!"

"It was all part of the plan," said Jadeite, triumphantly.

"We could really use your help around the FBI."

"Actually, we really must be getting to jail…" said Kunzite.

"We're in!" said the other three Shitennou.

* * *

The Shitennou walked into the terrorist hang out. They were all sporting turbans and long white and black beards.

"Why did we agree to this?!" sobbed Kunzite.

"It's all part of the plan," said Jadeite.

Kunzite had had just about enough.

"How else are we gonna get energy?" reminded Zoisite.

"Wait, this is still for energy?" asked Nephrite.

"Let's just steal these terrorists' energy and be on our way!" screamed Kunzite.

"No no no," said all three Shitennou at the same time.

The terrorists greeted them, in a language they didn't understand. They all stood there frozen for a second.

The head terrorist looked up at them expectantly, as though he had just asked a question.

Jadeite stepped up to the plate. "Aloo'a Shababa!" called Jadeite.

All the terrorists in the area turned to him.

"No wait!" cried Jadeite. "I meant, Alakbu Shibambam! No, Alakbam Shabooboo! Aloo aloo Akbababababaa!"

The terrorists ripped off their turbans and beards.

They forgot Zoisite and he tried to sneak out the back.

He almost escaped but at the last second they caught him and forced him back with the others.

"D'oh," said Zoisite.

"What are you gonna do with us…?" Jadeite asked nervously.

"I swear, if you make us work for you guys, I might just blow something up!" warned Kunzite.

"Hmm, we could make you suicide bombers, but I honestly don't think dumb-dumbs like you could pull it off!" said the lead terrorist.

"Hey!" cried Zoisite. "We could pull it off! I'll prove it! Give us a bomb right now!"

"ZOIIIIISIIIIITEE!" Kunzite whined, at his breaking point.

"Ye?" asked Zoisite.

Kunzite tried to face palm but he was tied up.

* * *

The four Shitennou were hanging upside down above a boiling pot of tar.

"This looks like the end," said Jadeite.

"Oh well, any second now our rescue will arrive!" Nephrite told them. "I mean I hope!"

They were lowered down closer to the boiling pot.

"FBI?! ANYONE!?" cried Nephrite.

"Wait, you were with the FBI?" the terrorists gasped. They began lowering them faster.

"Kunzite warp us!" cried Jadeite. "I've learned my lesson!"

Kunzite went to warp them, but Nephrite elbowed him before he could.

"No, stick to the plan!" he cried.

"WHAT PLAN!?" Kunzite wailed.

"Wait," said Jadeite. "I actually don't think we planned for this!"

"What do you mean you didn't plan for this?" Kunzite asked with an unnatural calm.

"I think our original plan was to just steal the energy of some kids at the playground," chuckled Jadeite. "None of this was really part of the plan, I was just improvising!"

Kunzite finally snapped.

The rope around them disintegrated, and so did the tar, instantly evaporating. The ground started shaking, and there was an obvious aura of energy around Kunzite.

Nephrite put his hand on Kunzite's shoulder. "Are you okay man? Take it easy there."

Kunzite placed his hand on Nephrite's. With a single flick of his wrist, he tossed Nephrite into the sun.

"Woah!" exclaimed Zoisite. "Nice work!"

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHGHGHGHGH!" yelled Kunzite, shattering everyone's ears.

He threw a wild punch and Zoisite was no more.

"Hey there," Jadeite said nervously, backing away. "Remember whose side you're on here!"

Kunzite picked Jadeite up by the face.

"MMrrrphhhhh!" Jadeite mumbled frantically, flailing in desperation.

Kunzite devoured Jadeite in one bite.

The terrorists open fired on Kunzite, but it just made him angrier. He began shooting out waves of energy, killing everything in their path. The building collapsed, and soon the entire city was in rubble.

Kunzite punched the ground with so much force that the Earth literally split in half.

He flew out into space and dragged one half of the Earth straight into the sun.

Then, he grabbed the other half and flung it deep into the galaxy, straight into a black hole.

Kunzite started flying towards an unknown destination at record speeds.

He reached the speed of light, and then surpassed it by trillions. He went so fast he created a rip in the space time continuum, and was sent spiraling through a worm hole.

In the worm hole, he accelerated even further, until he was just a one-dimensional line. He split from the universe and was never seen again.

* * *

Queen Beryl floated through space with her arms crossed.

"They never did bring me that energy! I guess they can't work together after all! Oh well."

Beryl learned her lesson and eventually came to accept her fate.

FIN


	77. Diana's Doomsday

"QUEEN BERYL" YELLED JADEITE "I FOUND A NEW SOURCE OF ENERGY"

"Wtf Jadeite why are you yelling so loud" barked Beryl.

"Sorry caps-lock was on m'queen"

"Jadeite you're just a big goober aren't you"

"So Beryl why did you call me into work today?" Jadeite wanted to know. "You told me I was on spring break!"

"Hah good one," said Beryl. "I have actually decided to test you, Jadeite."

"Test me?"

"Yep. You see Jadeite, anyone could kill a cat."

"Not someone with morals," said Jadeite, unsure what Beryl was getting at.

"Screw morals," said Beryl. "The real skill is in not killing a cat. Don't you see where this is going, Jadeite?"

"No m'queen," said Jadeite.

"Jadeite this is your last chance."

"Yes m'queen."

"Now take this baby cat named Diana and gather the others. You must protect this baby cat at all costs. If this cat dies you will all die!" Beryl vowed.

"But Beryl! This cat is way too weak! She's practically a newborn!"

"Jadeite," Beryl warned.

"Ok m'queen."

* * *

Jadeite warped to the nearby Dunkin' Neganuts.

"I knew I would find you here!" he said to the other three Shitennou.

"Jadeite what is it this time?" asked Zoisite.

"Yeah go back to your hole," said Nephrite.

Jadeite gasped in despair. He quickly got over it. "Guys, Beryl said we have to look after this kitten from the future! If we let it die she'll kill us!"

"Uh oh," said Zoisite.

"Why'd she make us do that?" asked Nephrite.

Kunzite started twitching. "Did you say... cat?"

"Yes..." Jadeite said slowly.

"I must... shoot with lightning..." Kunzite sputtered.

"NO KUNZITE!" Jadeite cried. "BEHAVE YOURSELF!"

Diana walked into the room.

Kunzite couldn't contain himself. He leaped out of his seat and charged the baby cat.

"UWAAAA!" cried Jadeite, leaping in the way. Jadeite got a brutal beatdown in place of baby cat.

"That got some of it out of my system," admitted Kunzite. "But I still have the urge to shoot the cat with lightning."

"Guys," muttered Jadeite from his crumpled heap. "You need to get this thing away from Kunzite. Nephrite, Zoisite, warp away with the cat!"

"Where's the cat?" asked Nephrite.

They fearfully turned their heads to see Diana the baby cat walking across a wire, 10,000 feet in the air.

"BABY CAT!" they cried.

They flew up to grab her.

"Here kitty kitty kitty!" beckoned Nephrite. He reached for the kitty. She attacked his face and he fell to Earth like a meteor.

"How does this newborn kitten even have claws?!" cried Nephrite as he impacted the ground. "Is she even able to see yet!?"

Zoisite had a go at grabbing the cat. Baby cat clawed up his face. "My face, my face I say!" he cried. He charged Baby cat. He hit her off the wire and she started falling to Earth.

Jadeite and Nephrite were both running towards the shadow of where baby cat was going to land, but they were too busy looking up and smashed into each other.

Diana hit the ground with a splat.

"NOOOOOOO!" cried Jadeite. "We're goners!"

But then they realized it wasn't baby cat who had hit the ground with a splat, but rather a random water balloon.

"Get rekt son!" yelled Grandpa from across the street.

They still had time to catch baby cat.

But when they went to get up their heads collided and they fell back down.

Luckily, baby cat landed on their heads and bounced off, falling onto a plate at a table.

Diana looked up. There sat Kunzite, with a knife and fork in each hand, and a bib. The bib had a picture of a dead baby cat on it. He was drooling.

"WAAAA!" meowed baby cat. She made a break for it but Kunzite was faster.

He picked her up and threw her into the air, all while rubbing his stomache. "OMNOMNOM!"

Right at the last second, Jadeite made an aerial leap and snatched baby cat. Kunzite chomped down on his tongue instead.

"YOUUUCH!" he cried.

He slugged the first thing he saw which was Nephrite.

"YOUUUCH!" cried Nephrite. He lunged at Kunzite.

Kunzite side-stepped and Nephrite collided with Jadeite. They got in a huge ball of fighting, while Jadeite cried and tried to dodge the punches.

Zoisite saw the opportunity to take out Nephrite in the chaos and threw a crystal, but it hit Kunzite.

"WAAA!" yelled Kunzite. He didn't want to beat up Zoisite today but he had no choice. He grabbed Zoisite with his big meaty claw and pile drove him into the ground.

Nephrite head-butted Kunzite in the stomache, and Kunzite fell over in pain.

Jadeite went in for the pile driver on Kunzite, but Nephrite swatted him out of the air with his foot.

Once all his opponents were on the ground, Nephrite started pounding his chest in a premature display of victory.

Kunzite grabbed his foot and took a chomp of his leg.

"Youch!" cried Nephrite, falling to the ground.

Zoisite once again saw the opportunity to take out Nephrite but missed and hit Andrew's sister.

She jumped in the heap. With her last breath, she threw her body at Kunzite. It made him lose his grip on Nephrite, who he was pulling closer to him by the leg.

Nephrite scurried away like a cat and hid under a rock.

In addition, Andrew's sister was no more.

"Hey," began Jadeite while both Kunzite and Zoisite clobbered him in unison. "Where's Baby cat?"

They all froze.

From the corners of their eyes, they spotted her walking carelessly in the middle of an eight lane highway.

"BABYYY CAAAAAATTT!" cried Jadeite in horror. He lunged into the highway without thinking and was hit by a car.

"BABBBYYYY CAAAAAAAAAAT!" cried Nephrite, thinking ahead and flying slightly off the ground towards baby cat. But he wasn't high enough and got hit by a large truck.

"BAAAAABYYYYYYY CAAAAAAAAAT!" cried Zoisite, flying way above so that he would not get hit by a vehicle. Just when he reached the stratosphere and was directly above baby cat, he was hit by a plane. "Now I know how a Jadeite feels," sighed Zoisite.

"BBBAAAAABYYYYYYYY CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!" cried Kunzite, picking up his knife and fork and charging. "I WON'T LET MY DINNER GET SQUASHED!"

Kunzite started running across the highway, but the cars were coming too fast. Unable to dodge any longer, he put up a forcefield to hold off a 500 wheeler truck.

But the truck was coming too fast! It smashed into his forcefield, sending the bubble he was in out of the atmosphere and into the sun. Kunzite dodged the sun at the last minute and flew back to Earth in defeat.

Diana reached the end of the highway completely unscathed.

Jadeite let out a sigh of relief before passing out.

Suddenly, a hawk swooped down and grabbed baby cat!

Jadeite awoke instantly.

Nephrite took off into the air after the hawk, but the hawk called its friends. Nephrite was swarmed. He had to retreat.

"Not so fast!" yelled Kunzite, teleporting right in front of the hawk.

The hawk was startled and it dropped baby cat. "Aww nuts," said Kunzite. "There goes my dessert!"

"I've got it, I've got it!" called Jadeite with a catching glove. "Now that Nephrite isn't down here trying to help as well, I won't smash into anyone!"

Jadeite ran into a tree and was unable to continue.

"Looks like it's up to me!" realized Zoisite.

"Hmmm..." he thought as the baby cat plummeted towards him.

"Hmmmmmmmmm..."

For lack of a better idea, Zoisite picked up Jadeite's catching glove from his brutally bashed corpse and held it out where baby cat was falling.

But Kunzite ran up and kneed him in the face.

"Y U DO DIS?!" cried Zoisite.

Kunzite caught baby cat on a pre-buttered plate.

"Now I've got you right where I want you!"

Kunzite went to eat baby cat like a cheeseburger.

But at the last second, Nephrite used his magic to swap baby cat with a nearby rock.

Kunzite bit down on the rock. "YOUCH!" he cried. He died.

Baby cat was very startled by the whole ordeal. "She needs nurturing!" cried Nephrite. "Here Zoisite, nurture her!"

But Zoisite was already dead from being kneed in the face.

"JADEITE!?" cried Nephrite. "TAG IN!"

But Jadeite was already dead from his collision with the tree.

"Looks like I came here for diddly doo!" coughed baby cat, about to die.

"You can survive, baby cat!" pleaded Nephrite. "I believe in you!"

"Ya do?" asked baby cat.

"Ye!" promised Nephrite.

Baby cat made a full recovery.

Nephrite went to visit her in the hospital. He brought her a bouquet of flowers, which she gratefully accepted.

"Thanks bud!" said Diana.

"Hey, anytime," chuckled Nephrite. "You gave us quite the scare there," he laughed, nudging Diana playfully.

Diana died from the light touch.

"NOOOOOOO!" cried Nephrite.

"Nephrite bring me my cat," demanded Beryl.

Nephrite made a break for it.

But Queen Beryl thought fast. She spawned a tree in front of Nephrite, and he ran into it and died.

"Sometimes I wonder why I do this stuff," sighed Beryl. "I'm a real stinker!"

She laughed and went home. She respawned the Shitennou.

"What's up doc?" said Jadeite upon his rebirth.

Queen Beryl killed Jadeite.

Queen Beryl revived Jadeite.

Jadeite charged Beryl.

Queen Beryl killed Jadeite.

Queen Beryl didn't revive Jadeite this time.

FIN


	78. Zoisite Gets Punished

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"What is it, Ja-"

"Queen Beryl!" cried Zoisite running in.

"Zoisite! What is the meaning of this! I was about to berate Jadeite!"

"Berate? D:" gasped Jadeite.

"Queen Beryl, Nephrite left the coffee machine on in the break room! He needs to be punished!" exclaimed Zoisite.

"Interesting," said Beryl.

"Wait, Queen Beryl!" shouted Nephrite dashing in. "Zoisite framed me! I have it on video!"

"Lies! Call his bluff, Queen Beryl!" yelled Zoisite.

"Ok, show me the video," demanded Beryl.

"Shit, I didn't think she'd actually call his bluff!" Zoisite exclaimed.

Nephrite went to give Queen Beryl the camera but Zoisite ran up and punted the camera into the abyss.

"Zoisite, what was that for?" barked Beryl.

"I have reason to believe that camera was a bomb!" cried Zoisite, thinking fast. "Can you punish Nephrite now?"

"Maybe I should punish YOUUUUUU!" screamed Beryl, her hair flying around wildly.

"WAAAA!" Zoisite gasped.

Nephrite let out a chortle.

"Queen Beryl!" cried Zoisite. "Nephrite thinks something is funny! Punish him!"

"Maybe I should punish YOUUUUUU!" screamed Beryl.

"UWAAAAH!"

Zoisite ran away crying.

"Queen Beryl," began Nephrite, trying to hold back his giggles. "Zoisite went out of his way to try and get my in trouble. First he left the coffee machine on and blamed me, then he accused me of thinking something was funny! You should punish him," Nephrite suggested, figuring it was worth a try.

"Don't push your luck," warned Beryl.

"Yes m'queen."

"So," said Jadeite. "Wanna hear that new source of energy?"

"Go away," said Beryl. "I'm not in the mood anymore."

"D'awwww."

* * *

Kunzite sat in his office, filling out his tax return.

Suddenly, he heard a loud grinding sound.

"Wtf?" he asked, turning around.

He spotted Evil Endymion shredding the papers he had finished.

"LOLOLOL!" laughed Endymion.

"Chiba!" yelled Kunzite. He charged Mamoru, but Mamoru leapt out a window and flew away.

Kunzite leaned out the window and shook his fist. "One of these days, Chiba!"

Kunzite finally redid his taxes, and got in his car to head to the post office. But when he went to drive away, his car wouldn't drive right. Realizing the cause was a flat tire, he hopped out to have a look.

His tire was pierced by a black rose.

"CHIBAAAA!" he yelled to the sky.

* * *

Queen Beryl sat on her throne as usual.

"What am I doing with my life?" she wondered.

Zoisite appeared in her room, out of range so he couldn't be spotted.

"Maybe she's calmed down by now…"

Zoisite approached her cautiously.

"So Zoisite, any progress?"

"Nah, but I have some juicy info to report!"

"Is it about Nephrite?" Beryl asked.

"Perhaps, my queen."

"Zoisite, I think you have a problem."

"Perhaps, my queen. So anyway, it appears Nephrite has fallen in love with a human girl! He told her he wants to betray us!"

"So what are you getting at…?" asked Beryl.

"Well, I think it's obvious what you should do."

"It's not obvious, Zoisite. Tell me exactly what you intend for me to do with this information."

"Well, my queen," Zoisite hesitated. "I think… you should punish him."

Queen Beryl was silent for a moment. "Maybe…" began Queen Beryl.

Zoisite's face lit up.

"Maybe, I should punish YOUUUUUU!" Beryl shouted.

"NOOO!" cried Zoisite. He fled quickly.

Beryl went back to sitting although she had never gotten up.

* * *

Nephrite snickered. For he had been watching the whole thing go down from a spot in the corner.

"Mwahahaha," laughed Nephrite. "I'm not the only one who can float in a corner and laugh at my enemies!"

"Neither am I!" exclaimed Grandpa.

"Grandpa!" cried Nephrite. "Scram!"

"Awww swizzle sticks," sighed Grandpa, floating to the ground and then leaving. "All I wanted was to have a good time."

Nephrite started scheming maniacally. "Now to bait Zoisite into getting Beryl to punish HIIIIIIMMMM!"

* * *

Nephrite appeared at Zoisite's castle.

"Hmm," he thought. He pulled out a bottle of spray paint.

He walked over to the huge 64" portrait Zoisite had of him and Kunzite on their wedding day. He spray painted a mustache on Zoisite and glasses on Kunzite. He then drew a speech bubble to Zoisite, saying "Nephrite is the coolest!" and one on Kunzite saying "Zoisite sux eggs!"

He then drew devil ears on Kunzite. "That's for eating my left over spaghetti!" he yelled, quickly warping away as Zoisite walked in.

"Time to stare at my big $5,000 dollar yet ultimately priceless custom portrait!"

He gasped and dropped his groceries. "UWAAAAAAAH!"

* * *

Zoisite came running into Beryl's throne room, flailing like a maniac.

"Listen Beryl! I know I've been trying to frame Nephrite, and going out of my way to get him in trouble, but this time he has crossed the line!"

"Go on…" said Beryl ominously.

"He spray-painted my portrait! It was $5,000! He drew a MUSTACHE on me! A MUSTACHE!" he cried.

"So, what's your point?" asked Beryl.

"Please, Queen. Just do what you must!"

"What do you recommend I do?" asked Beryl.

"The right thing!" pleaded Zoisite.

"And what might that be?"

"The correct thing to do in a situation like this!"

"And that'd be….?"

"To give him his just deserts, Queen Beryl!"

"And what are his just deserts?"

"Beryl!" cried Zoisite.

"Get to the point this instant, or I'll punish YOUUUUU!" Beryl shouted.

"Ok, Queen Beryl."

Zoisite couldn't meet her eyes. "I think you should punish Nephrite."

Beryl just stared at Zoisite. They had a long moment of silence. Zoisite looked up expectantly and Beryl started straight into his soul.

"Zoisite," she said slowly.

"Yes… my queen," he said in a shaky voice.

"I cannot BELIEVE you would vandalize your own portrait, just to get Nephrite in trouble!"

"But I didn't!" cried Zoisite.

"Zoisite, how do you think Kunzite would feel if he knew that's how little you cared about your wedding portrait?"

"But I didn't do it!"

"That's enough out of you!"

"What are you gonna do to me?!" Zoisite gasped.

"Maybe… I should… punish… YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUI!" Beryl shouted.

The whole room burst into flames. Beryl's head spun around, and her crystal ball lit up dramatically in all colors.

Zoisite had to cover his eyes as the ball grew in size and light intensity.

Then, the ball shot a huge energy blast, and Zoisite knew his story was over.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he cried as he was pulverized. Or at least he thought he was.

He looked up and he was in a cage, completely uninjured.

"Zoisite, your punishment for today will be a five minute time out."

"Shit, really? That's all?"

"Yep," said Beryl. "Now don't do it again!"

Nephrite appeared and started laughing. He laughed so hard that he had a heart attack and died.

"LOL!" laughed Zoisite.

"Zoisite now your punishment has been extended to ten minutes in time out!"

"NOOOOOOOO!"

Zoisite was furious. Nephrite had laughed at him and had not gotten punished at all. But he laughs back once and he gets five extra minutes of time out.

When he finally finished paying his debt to society, he marched right into Queen Metalia's room.

"Who are you and why are you in my room?!" screamed Metalia.

"You don't remember me?" Zoisite gasped. "I mean sure, we haven't talked in a while, but you used to love me!"

"I don't think so," said Metalia. "Just get on with it."

Zoisite took a deep breath. "Queen Metalia, it pains me to do this, but I must report Queen Beryl for abusing her power. She has treated me unfairly, even going so far as to giving me a ten minute time out, and also killing me."

"I see," said Metalia. "And what do you want me to do about it?"

"I think you should punish Queen Beryl," said Zoisite.

"Maybe," said Queen Metalia.

Zoisite's face lit up with hope. He was almost certain that Metalia would do the right thing.

"Maybe I should punish…

"YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!"

Queen Metalia killed Zoisite.

"Snitches get stitches," said Metalia.

* * *

Kunzite came running into Beryl's throne room.

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Kunzite. "Mamoru has been sabotaging my life!"

"How so?" asked Queen Beryl, disinterested.

"Well first, he messed up my tax returns! Then he didn't invite me to his birthday party! And he threw his birthday party on the same day as mine, so that no one went to mine! Our birthdays are six months apart! To top it all off, he left the coffee machine on in the break room! The break room, Queen Beryl! The break room! AND, he taught Princess Serenity how to ice skate!"

"That's enough, Kunzite."

"But Beryl! I think you should punish him!"

Beryl blinked angrily.

"Maybe I should punish YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!"

"Oh well," figured Kunzite. "I'm sure she'll only give me a five minute time out, since I wasn't even given a warning."

But instead, she gave him a fifteen minute time out. He was infuriated.

He marched right down to Metalia.

He approached her cautiously. "Queen Met-"

"Maybe," said Queen Metalia. "I should punish YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!"

But Kunzite wouldn't stand for it. He charged Metalia with all he had, and he defeated her, since she was still in a weak state from getting rekt at the Moon Kingdom raid.

He revived Zoisite with Metalia's energy, and they lived happily ever after.

But unbeknownst to Kunzite, Endymion had sabotaged his tax returns yet again. He lost his house.

With nowhere left to turn, they moved into the dumpster next to Jadeite.

"OMG guys!" cried Jadeite exuberantly. "I haven't gotten to tell anyone my new source of energy this whole chapter! It's this thing the humans call

FIN


	79. Jadeite Clones Himself

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in," replied Beryl.

"We don't have a cat," said Jadeite in confusion. "Kunzite killed it."

"WHAT?!" gasped Beryl in horror. "NOT FLUFFYKINS!"

"The funeral was last week," Jadeite said sadly. "Because Kunzite couldn't restrain himself."

"That's it!" yelled Beryl. "If I ever kidnap and brainwash Mamoru, I'll make sure to brainwash him into hating Kunzite!"

"Fair enough, m'queen," said Jadeite.

"So what's that source of energy?" asked Beryl.

"Well actually, it's not technically a 'source of energy,' per se…"

"Jadeite this is your last chance!"

"It's a faster way of gathering energy!" Jadeite said quickly. "I can use it to increase my productivity!"

Queen Beryl slowly removed her hands from her crystal ball. "Go on…"

"With this new cloning machine I bought off the internet, I could make copies of myself to get ten times more, or even a hundred times more energy!"

"100 times zero is still zero, Jadeite," said Beryl.

"Nah, sometimes I get a little lucky," Jadeite insisted. "With 100 me's, there's a much greater chance that at least one of them will succeed!"

"You better hope so," warned Beryl. "Now hop to it, we don't have all day!"

"Actually m'queen we do have quite a bit of time-"

"Jadeite this is your last chance!"

Jadeite fled.

Kunzite came running in when he left. "Wait, Queen Beryl. I don't think you should give him permission to do this!"

"Why not?"

"Because if he makes too many clones of himself, he can overthrow us!"

"Kunzite, you killed Fluffykins. Get out of my sight."

"Yes m'queen, but don't say I didn't warn you."

Kunzite moped away.

* * *

Jadeite stepped into the cloning machine. "Let's just start with ten," he decided. He got in the machine and shut the door. The cloning process was about to initiate.

"Hey, is this a new microwave?" Nephrite asked approaching. He put a quesadilla inside with Jadeite.

"Huh?" Jadeite asked as Nephrite slammed the door.

"Now to put it in for 20 minutes!" decided Nephrite. He typed in 20 minutes and 00 second. "I'll be back for my quesadilla soon!" he said as he walked away.

The machine started. Because Nephrite had hit in 20 with two zeros, the machine made 2,000 Jadeites!

The real Jadeite passed out from the procedure.

The new Jadeites looked around in confusion. "Time to get energy!" they all decided in unison. "Hey look, we each have a quesadilla!"

They all went to eat the quesadillas but they were raw. "Darn."

* * *

"Queen Beryl!" cried Jadeites. "We found a new source of energy!"

Beryl looked up from her book and saw a hoard of Jadeites.

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" she screamed in horror. Queen Beryl threw herself off a bridge. She was never seen again.

"Whelp, let's hop to it boys!" said Jadeite #1546.

They all took off to get energy.

Five hours later, 2,000 Jadeites teleported in, wounded and disheartened.

"I can't believe out of 2,000 of us, not one got energy!" cried Jadeite #290 in despair.

"This is all your fault!" screamed Jadeite #765 to Jadeite #1849.

All the Jadeites started slugging it out.

"Wait!" cried Jadeite #1360. "What if we all worked together? We'd be unstoppable!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" laughed all the Jadeites mockingly.

"No, I agree with Jadeite #1360!" shouted Jadeite #666. "Let's all team up and take down the sailors, once and for all!"

"YeAHHHHHH!" they all agreed.

* * *

Sailor Moon and Sailor Mars showed up to the duel at the airport. Ami stayed home to study.

"Hahahah," laughed Jadeite #69, who was standing on a high ledge. "I will destroy you!"

"Oh yeah?" laughed Sailor Mars. "You and what army?"

"THIS ARMY!"

The 2,000 Jadeites came out from hiding. They were all riding in on planes.

"What do we do now?!" cried Usagi.

"WE LEG IT!" cried Rei.

They made a mad dash for the exit.

Suddenly, Sailor Mercury showed up.

"Wow Mercury, you really do care about us more than studying!" Usagi cried with joy.

"Nah, my online textbook was down!" she told them. "Anyhow, Mercury Bubbles Blast!" she exclaimed, shooting her only attack.

"WAAA! I can't see!" cried all the Jadeites. They got confused and smashed all their planes into each other.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" cried Jadeite #69 when all the bubbles cleared and he realized he was the only survivor.

He fled to safety.

"This isn't good! I don't like being alone!"

He ran home and hopped in the cloning machine. He set it to 5,000. The original Jadeite was still laying in there, passed out, so it actually made 10,000 clones.

"Holy mackerel!" cried the real Jadeite waking up. "I only put in for 10! I guess this machine must have been set in kiloJeds! A simple mistake."

He climbed up on top of the cloning machine.

"Now listen, Jadeites! I am the original Jadeite, so I am your leader! You are my minions and will do as I say!"

"No I'm the real Jadeite!" cried all the Jadeites.

"No," said Jadeite. "Don't disobey the first and best Jadeite!"

The mobs of Jadeites jumped him. He was no more.

"Now what do we do?!" cried Jed #4590.

"Now, we riot!" screamed Jadeite #9999.

The Jadeites spread out and conquered the Negaverse.

Kunzite and Zoisite heard a knock on their door.

Zoisite looked through the peep hole and saw about eight Jadeites. "Huh, the glass on this thing must have gotten cracked. I'll just drop Jadeite in the pit."

They hit the button that opened the pit and a few Jadeite fell in.

"Now that that's over with, let's go take a walk!" said Kunzite.

They opened the door. The Jadeites spotted them.

They didn't even get one slug in before they were overtaken by the Jadeites.

Kunzite tried to trap some of the Jeds in a bubble but the bubble wasn't big enough. The other Jeds took him out with ease.

Zoisite gave up and accepted his fate.

Next, Metalia heard a knock on her door. She already knew what was coming because she knew all of what was going on in the Negaverse.

She tried to break out of her seal as a gas and float away through the vent in the ceiling, but the Jeds spotted her. They sucked her up with a vacuum. She was no more.

Then they burst into the human realm.

Nephrite heard a knock on his door.

"I'll get it!" said Molly, who was hanging out with him. She opened the door. She was consumed by the mob.

"MOLLY!" yelled Nephrite. He dived in after her. He fired many attacks, but the Jadeites were too swift. They consumed him as well.

The Jadeites assembled in the Tokyo Tower to plan their next move.

Kunzite, Zoisite, Nephrite, and Molly were all tied up in the closet.

"Let me ouuuuut!" cried Metalia, from inside her vacuum.

"Why should we?" asked Jadeite #8000.

"Because! I'll combine my power with yours, and help you take over the world!"

"Aww sweet!" said Jadeite #69, stepping up to the plate.

He merged with Metalia and became Super Jadeite.

Super Jadeite led the army of Jeds into the streets of Tokyo.

After consuming the population of Tokyo's urban section, they marched up the steps of the temple in rows of twenty, spanning back 10 miles.

They knocked on Grandpa's door. Gramps looked out his peep hole, and saw the giant eye of Super Jadeite looking in. Grandpa knew this day would come, especially after the things he did to Jed. For example, that time he stole his identity and got him beat up, as well as those times he locked him in the basement.

He made a mad dash down the hall of the temple. He snatched Rei by the arm, and they rushed into the bunker.

"What about Chad?!" cried Rei.

"Not enough time!" said Gramps.

"Shyaaa brahhh, don't worry! I was already in here!" Chad said.

"Oh, Chad, I'm so glad you're safe!" cried Rei.

"Not enough time!" cried Grandpa, throwing Chad out of the bunker.

"CHYYYYAAA YAAAAAAAAA BRAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

They watched through the window as Chad was torn about by the army of Jeds.

Grandpa closed the blinds.

* * *

Meanwhile, in the Tokyo Tower closet, the Shitennou and Molly were still tied up.

"Wait, we could just spawn crystals and cut the rope!" realized Zoisite.

"Oy can't spawn creestals!" exclaimed Molly.

"Yeah," remarked Nephrite. "She can't spawn crystals!"

Kunzite sighed and magically broke everyone's ropes.

Then they used Molly to smash down the door of the closet that had been chain-locked.

There were two Jadeite guards, but they disposed of them.

"Now we need to get two more Jeds," said Kunzite. "That way, we can steal their uniforms and disguise ourselves as Jadeites!"

The smallest number of Jeds they could find was 50.

Kunzite and Nephrite took them out with ease, while Zoisite struggled to take down one.

"You're not very good," said Molly.

"Oh yeah? Well how many did you take down?" barked Zoisite.

Two Jadeites swooped down and grabbed each of Molly's arms. They flew away into the horizon.

"MoLLLLLLLY!" yelled Nephrite.

Kunzite put his hand on Nephrite's shoulder. "I'm sorry, but she's gone."

"MOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY!" he cried.

Molly was never seen again.

"I can't go on," decided Nephrite.

"But you have to!" said Kunzite. "We need all the help we can get to take down the Jeds!"

"Meh we don't need him, I've got it under control," said Zoisite, still struggling with the same Jadeite.

Kunzite sighed and one hit killed the Jadeite. "No offense baby, but Nephrite's just a bit better of a fighter. We need his help."

"But they took Molly!" cried Nephrite.

"Then you must avenge her!" Kunzite told him. "It's the only way."

"Alright," decided Nephrite solemnly. "I WILL AVENGE MAWLY!"

They put on the Jed outfits.

"Wait a minute," said Zoisite. "These are the same as our outfits."

"No," said Nephrite. "He doesn't have the cool shoulder things."

"I don't have the cool shoulder things either!" cried Zoisite.

"Exactly now let's go!" exclaimed Nephrite.

They joined the swarm of Jadeites that were patrolling the streets.

"Oh heavens!" cried Kunzite. There were hordes of Jadeites marching the streets, holding up giant "Jeds Only!" flags.

"Everyone…" gasped Nephrite. "Everyone is gone!"

"I'm not!" yelled Tuxedo Mask, flying through the sky. "I will take down this army!"

Twenty Jadeites flew up in front of him. They circled around him as lightning flashed in the distance. Finally, they all tackled him into the ocean. He was never seen again.

"We should have helped him," said Nephrite.

"Nah that would have blown our covers that we fought so hard to get!" reminded Zoisite.

"I'm surprised we haven't been caught already," said Kunzite. "We're clearly not Jadeites!"

"SHHHHH, Keep it down!" yelled Nephrite.

"Maybe we need wigs," said Zoisite.

"Nah nah, we're good," Nephrite promised.

They followed the flow of Jadeites until they reached where Super Jadeite and a large crowd of Jadeites were gathered.

They made their way through the crowd and up to the source. It appeared that all the Jadeites were working together to pry open a bunker, while the voice of Grandpa screamed, "You'll never take me alive!"

The three Shitennou teleported inside the bunker.

"Why didn't Jed think to do this?" they wondered.

"He's all brawn and no brains," said Zoisite.

Grandpa charged the Shitennou. "GET OUTTA MAH BUNKER!"

"No!" cried Kunzite.

But Grandpa was too fast, and knocked them all down with a single blow.

"Please!" Kunzite begged. "We're on your side! We want your help to defeat the Jadeites!"

"Hmm," said Grandpa. "This calls for me to take my true form!"

Grandpa turned into the cross-eyed lobster. "You see, after that incident with the rainbow crystal, I have come to accept and embrace my true form. After years of training, I've finally become able to transform at will!"

"Yeah!" applauded Rei. "So let's go take out the Jadeites!"

Grandpa opened the bunker door to charge.

"NO!" everyone cried, pulling him back in and shutting the door. A few Jeds had slipped in through the opening, so they had to be dealt with.

"We can't just fight them head on!" explained Zoisite, still struggling with a new Jadeite.

Kunzite went up and one-shotted it.

Gramps de-transformed. "D'aww."

"We need a plan!" Zoisite told them.

"How did Jadeite get so many of himself?" asked Gramps.

"Well ya see," said Zoisite. "He's like a virus."

"No," said Nephrite. "He used that new cloning device from the interweb! I know because he bought it using my credit card!"

"Then let's just use that to make an army of ourselves the size of his! We'll take them out with ease!" Kunzite told them.

They grabbed Grandpa and teleported to the cloning machine.

"HEY!" cried Rei. "DON'T LEAVE ME HEEERe!"

They appeared in the corner of the cloning room. They were horrified to see that the cloning machine was occupied by Jeds, and they were making more by the second.

"We have to take them out!" yelled Kunzite.

"Oh no," said Zoisite.

"Listen Zoisite," said Kunzite. "You've fought hard today. Why don't you sit this one out?"

"Fine!" yelled Zoisite, teleporting back into the bunker where they had left Rei.

"Hey bud it's been a while!"

Rei scowled and turned away.

Meanwhile, Grandpa transformed back into the lobster, and the three of them took out all the Jeds.

Kunzite, Nephrite, and Grandpa jumped into the cloning machine.

"Wait!" said Kunzite. "If we make too many of ourselves, the power might get to our heads, and we'll go out of control, just like the Jadeites!"

"Shit, you're right," agreed Nephrite. "We need someone who is pure of heart to clone themselves!"

"I know who," said Grandpa.

"Who, your granddaughter?" asked Kunzite.

"No, me!"

Kunzite and Nephrite laughed. "Hahaha, yeah right!"

Grandpa pushed them out of the machine and hit clone x 1,000,000.

"NOOOOO!" cried Nephrite and Kunzite, as one million Grandpas shot out of the machine.

* * *

Meanwhile, the army of Jadeites were erecting a huge statue of Super Jadeite in the middle of what used to be Tokyo.

They had long since pried open the bunker, and had enslaved Rei and Zoisite to help them build. The two of them were hauling large bricks as they did in the pyramid days.

Suddenly, the Jadeites heard a knock on the door.

"Wait a second," said Super Jed. "We're outside…?"

At that moment, they were charged by an enormous wave of Grandpas. Some had chosen to take the cross-eyed lobster form, while others felt they were more powerful in their base form.

"AAHYHHHHH!" cried the Jadeites.

They tried to fight back, but they were no match for the lobster/old man combo.

The Jadeite army was slowly whittled down to just a few Jeds and Super Jadeite.

Super Jadeite took to the skies to flee. But the Grandpas all stacked on top of each other and formed a huge Grandpa. The huge Grandpa swatted Super Jadeite out of the sky with ease. He was no more.

Meanwhile, Kunzite and Nephrite broke the chains on Zoisite and Rei.

They turned around, and were filled with glee when they saw that all the Jadeites had been pulverized.

"YAY WE DID!" exclaimed Zoisite.

"You didn't do anything," said Rei.

"LOOK WHO'S TALKIN!"

The giant grandpa knelt down to speak with them. He held out a huge hand, and Rei climbed in it.

"Since you're my granddaughter, you shall be my head servant. As for you three…"

"Uh oh," said the Shitennou.

* * *

Kunzite, Nephrite, and Zoisite slaved away on a huge Grandpa statue in the middle of town.

"Ruling the world sure is fun!" said Grandpa.

"Grandpa," sighed Rei. "Taking over the world isn't nice!"

"You know what else isn't nice? The fact that my slaves won't get me lemonade!"

Kunzite ran up with a glass of lemonade.

"Thank you," said Grandpa. "NOT! Now bring lemonade to the other million Grandpas!"

"Guys I have a plan," said Nephrite. "All we need to do is find Melvin and make a billion of him!"

* * *

The war of Gramps and Melvins raged on for 100 years.

In the end, Melvin overcame the Grandpa overlords.

"Yay, we're finally free!" said Zoisite.

"I'm so happy my plan worked!" said Nephrite.

Kunzite had since died of overworking himself. He only was able to deliver lemonade to about 400,000 of the Grandpas.

"So," said Nephrite to Super Melvin. "Since I was the one who cloned you, you should treat me as your equal and free us from our slavery!"

"Not exactly," said Melvin. "Now go get me a cranberry milkshake!"

FIN


	80. Jadeite Gets Impaled By A Stingray

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Queen Beryl. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Queen Beryl this is serious!" exclaimed Jadeite.

"Queen Beryl this is serious!" exclaimed Beryl.

"Please stop," begged Jadeite.

"Please stop," chortled Beryl.

"Beryl!"

"Beryl!"

Jadeite walked out of the room.

"Jadeite," began Beryl.

"Have you finally stopped, my queen?"

"Have you finally stopped, my queen?" repeated Beryl.

Jadeite again tried to leave.

"Jadeite if you walk out that door you're a dead man," threatened Queen Beryl.

Jadeite came back in but refused to speak.

"So what's your new source of energy, Jadeite?" Queen Beryl asked.

"Well you see," began Jadeite.

"Well you see," said Beryl.

"Beryl, stop!" cried Jadeite. "It's not funny!"

"Beryl, stop!" cried Beryl. "It's not funny!"

"WAAAAAAAAAA!" wailed Jadeite, falling on the floor and crying.

"WAAAAAAAAAA!" mocked Queen Beryl.

Finally Jadeite had a brilliant idea. He pulled out a note pad. He wrote down his new source of energy, and handed it to Beryl.

"Hmm," said Beryl. She read it out loud. "We should make a nature show, but encode it with a subliminal message that steals energy!"

"Great idea, Jadeite!" said Queen Beryl.

"Thanks!" said Jadeite, happy Beryl was no longer being obnoxious.

"Thanks!" said Beryl.

Jadeite snapped and threw a wild punch at Beryl.

She dodged and threw a wild punch, mimicking him.

He gave up and left.

* * *

He appeared at the beach, with the Youma cast of his nature show.

"Alright guys, so I'm gonna go in the water and educate people about sea creatures. Meanwhile, you're going to film and play the subliminal message, so while they think they're learning about nature, they'll actually be losing energy!"

"Sounds great Jadeite," said a Youma sarcastically.

"Thanks!" said Jadeite.

"Thanks!" said the Youma.

Jadeite glared at her.

"Forgive me Jadeite!" cried the Youma. "I was ordered by Beryl!"

"Oh, it's no problem then," said Jadeite.

"Oh, it's no problem then," said the Youma.

Jadeite sighed.

The Youma sighed.

Jadeite threw a wild punch at the Youma.

The Youma was no more.

"So anyway, take one, and action!"

The camera Youma started filming.

Jadeite rolled up his pants and walked into the water. He reached down.

"This here is a sea shell. They are dropped by sea critters!"

He showed the shell to the camera.

"And this…" he searched around in the water, but all he found was a plastic bottle. "This is the shell of a sea water bottle. They shed their skins monthly, and this is what's left behind!"

"That Jadeite sure is good at improv," said one of the Youmas.

"Thanks!" said Jadeite.

"Thanks!" said the Youma.

But Jadeite had to keep the show rolling. "This is sea sand! It's different than regular sand, because it's at the sea!"

He couldn't find anything else. "Umm…. Ummmmm….. This is sea water!" He tried to pick up the water but it kept slipping out of his hands. "Uh oh!"

"Use the water bottle!" one of his crew members suggested.

"I already showed them that!" he cried.

"No, use it to pick up the sea water!" they explained.

"The heck is sea water?" he asked. "And what do you mean water bottle? This is a sea water bottle shell!"

The Youmas sighed. "Why did we have to be Jadeite Youmas?" one of them complained.

He searched his pockets frantically. He found a dollar. "And this here, is a sand dollar!"

"It doesn't look sandy," said a Youma.

Jadeite killed the Youma with an energy blast.

"As I was saying, these things are sometimes found near coral reefs-"

He stopped talking suddenly. In the water, he spotted a huge black form. "OMG!" he cried. "A STINGRAY!"

"Ok guys, here is the main attraction of this broadcast! A real live stingray!" he exclaimed.

He pulled the stingray up by the tail upside-down to show his audience.

"Woah!" said the soundtrack that he set up beforehand.

He continued talking. "So these babies can be found-"

Suddenly, the stingray impaled Jadeite in the heart on live TV.

Jadeite gasped and then died.

It was so shocking that everyone who had been in an energy-giving trance was snapped out of it.

The Youmas quickly switched the recording to the "Please stand by!" backup footage.

It was a video of Nephrite. "Hey friends! If you're watching this, it means Jadeite dun' goofed! It's pretty common actually, and if the mess-up was really serious, then that means it's the start of my arc! Wish me luck, boys! Now, for the next twenty minutes, I'm going to juggle these household vegetables. Oops! Let me try again. Oops! This is harder than it looks!"

Everyone turned off their TV's.

The next day, Beryl received a letter. "What, Jadeite died?! On national TV?! And we're being sued for traumatizing children!?"

"Don't worry!" Nephrite assured her, since he was there to start off his arc. "I got a life insurance policy on Jadeite, which will pay double what he was worth!"

"It's a miracle!" cried Beryl. "Give me the money!"

"Here," said Nephrite. He handed her two dollars.

"WHAT!?" exclaimed Beryl.

"Jadeite was worth one dollar, so they doubled it and gave us two!"

Beryl was mad. Beryl was livid.

She teleported to Hell.

"Hey Beryl!" said Satan.

"Hey Satan!" said Beryl. "Have you seen Jadeite?"

"Why yes, he came by here not so long ago to borrow a book. He said it will probably be a long time until he gets revived again, if ever, so he was going to take the opportunity to finally read the Hunger Games."

"So you think he went to the library?"

"Probably," said Satan.

Beryl went to the Hell library.

She located Jadeite with ease, as he was sitting upstairs in the quiet reading section.

"Hey Beryl!" said Jadeite. "How'd you die? Wanna hear how I died? It's a funny story!"

Beryl slugged Jadeite. Beryl went back to Negaverse.

Jadeite was unable to recover and died and went down to Super Hell.

"Hey Super Satan!" said Jadeite.

"Jadeite, I don't want you here!" yelled Super Satan.

"Why not?!" cried Jadeite.

"Because last time you were here, you never pushed your chair in!"

"GASP!" cried Jadeite.

Super Satan tried to send Jadeite back up to regular Hell.

But Satan refused.

Super Satan called Ultimate Satan in desperation, but Ultimate Satan told him there was no room left in Ultimate Hell.

Super Satan wasn't convinced, but there was nothing he could do.

"Ok, Jadeite, stand still," said Super Satan.

Jadeite made a break for it.

"NO STOP!" cried Super Satan.

He caught up to Jadeite and knocked him down.

"BE STILL FOR A MOMENT!" he shouted.

"NOOOOO!" screamed Jadeite.

Super Satan KO'd Jadeite.

Then, he angled his shot carefully, and punted Jadeite all the way up to Heaven.

Jadeite awoke in Heaven.

"Jadeite?" gasped Queen Serenity.

"Oh hiya Queen Serenity!" exclaimed Jadeite. "I haven't seen you since the Moon Kingdom raid of 1812! How ya been?"

Queen Serenity scowled.

She punted Jadeite down to purgatory.

"Meh, I'll take it," decided Jadeite. "It's not Heaven, but it's not Hell either. Plus, I don't think I have any enemies down here!"

"Heya," exclaimed Grandpa. "This looks like the start of a beautiful friendship!"

Jadeite wailed in distress.

FIN


	81. Jadeite Gets Reassigned

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"You know what, Jadeite?" began Queen Beryl.

"Ye?" asked Jadeite.

"I don't want you to report to me anymore. Only high ranking Shitennou and Youma report to me."

"So basically everyone but me?" asked Jadeite.

"No, Zoisite's low ranking too."

"D'aww, I'm gonna miss you my queen," sobbed Jadeite.

"Boo hoo hoo," scoffed Beryl. "Now go report to Kunzite!"

"Fine," sighed Jadeite, leaving.

* * *

"Lord Kunzite!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"ARrghhhh," yelled Kunzite from upstairs.

Jadeite rushed upstairs to see what was wrong.

Zoisite was at Kunzite's bedside while Kunzite coughed up blood.

"What's the matter?" Jadeite asked.

"What does it look like, ya doofus?" yelled Zoisite. "He's coughing up blood!"

"Yeah but why?" asked Jadeite.

"Because I'm sick!" barked Kunzite.

"But why?" asked Jadeite.

"It all started in the Burger King restroom," Kunzite groaned.

Nephrite ran in then. "Queen Beryl said I have to report to you now, Kunzite!" Nephrite told him.

"UGH!" Kunzite growled. "Why is Beryl sending me all her trash?"

"So what do you want us to do today, Lord Kunzite?" asked Jadeite, ignoring the intended insult.

"Well, I had a bunch of errands to do, but I'm sick! I guess you guys can do them," decided Kunzite.

"Have fun boys!" taunted Zoisite. "Kunzite needs me here with him!"

"Nice try, slacker," said Kunzite.

"Aww nuts," sighed Zoisite.

"Here's the chore lists," coughed Kunzite, warping up three personalized chore lists. "Have fun boys!"

Nephrite and Jadeite warped off.

"Are you sure I can't get you anything?" Zoisite tried to stall. "A glass of water? Some tissues?!"

"GET BACK TO WORK!"

"UwAHHHH!"

* * *

Jadeite read the first chore. "Do my laundry! My capes are dry-clean only!"

"Easy!" scoffed Jadeite. He warped to the laundry mat.

He took out his roll of quarters and scowled. "Kunzite doesn't pay me enough to do this."

With a look of sad resignation, Jadeite put 12 whole quarters in the washing machine and threw Kunzite's shit in the machine in one handful.

He hesitated when he got to the 32 identical capes. "Dry-clean just means you dry it after you clean it, right?" he asked.

Everyone in the laundry mat ignored him.

"Well then."

He put them in with the rest of the wash and hit start. "If I put it on super-hot, it will probably wash better," he figured. "Did I need to put detergent in? Meh, I'm sure it will do it automatically."

Jadeite sat down and read a magazine.

* * *

Meanwhile, Nephrite, after drinking 12 bottles of liquor, read his list.

"Take out that punk Nephrite," read the first bullet.

"Hmph," thought Nephrite. He teleported to Kunzite.

"I don't think you gave me the right list," he said.

"Huh," said Kunzite. "Would you look at that?"

Kunzite conjured up a new list.

"Who exactly was supposed to be told to take me out?" wondered Nephrite.

"It's not your concern," said Kunzite. "Now get back to work."

"You don't sound very sick anymore," noted Nephrite.

"COUGH COUGH COUGH!" faked Kunzite. "Now go!"

Nephrite warped away.

"Pick up 12 gallons of bleach at the Four Sisters Beauty Parlor," Nephrite read aloud. "That's strange."

He warped there.

"Hi, I would like 12 gallons of bleach please," he said to the girl at the front.

"Will that be all?" asked Catsy.

"Yep," said Nephrite.

"Would you like to try our Lush and Luxurious hair dye, before you go?"

"Tell me more," said Nephrite, intrigued.

"Well, for a small payment of 999999.99 NegaBucks, we will dye your hair any color of our rich, colorful, limited edition hair dye!"

"Hmm, I've been looking to change things up," said Nephrite. "What color do you think I should go with?"

Catsy thought for a moment. "Have you ever considered going blonde?"

"That'd be crazy!" exclaimed Nephrite. "I'll do it!"

"Ok," said Catsy. "Take a seat here and we will begin."

Five hours later, Catsy finished up.

"What do you think?" she asked, holding up a mirror.

Nephrite took a good look at himself. "Blonde is not for me," he decided. "Put my old color back."

"Okay," said Catsy. "But we had to bleach your hair to get it blonde, so we'll just pick a color close to yours and dye it that color."

"Fine, fine," said Nephrite.

Five more hours passed.

"There you go, back to normal!" said Catsy, handing him the mirror.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!" barked Nephrite. His hair was a sickening mixture of orange, purple, and green all at once. "THIS WAS NOT MY HAIR COLOR!"

"I'm pretty sure it was," insisted Catsy. "We didn't have an exact match, so we just went with the closest thing."

"FIX IT!" cried Nephrite.

"We can't. As I said, that was the closest match."

"RAWWWWWR!" yelled Nephrite. He threw a wild punch.

Catsy was sent flying into the shampoo display. She got covered in shampoo.

"You're a dead man!" she cried, charging him with a hair dryer.

"Youch! That was kind of hot!" he cried.

While he was distracted, she pulled out a pair of hedge clippers and went in for the kill.

Nephrite's only defense was spawning a sword and deflecting the hedge clippers. He threw a high kick and took down Catsy.

"I'll be going then," he said to the empty store.

He bent down to pick up his 12 gallons of bleach, when Birdie jumped him. She shot ice at him and he was frozen in place.

"no no no No No NO NO NO!" cried Nephrite, as he was dragged away and put in the front window.

"What are you doing?!" yelled Nephrite, still immobile.

"You're our new mannequin," said Birdie.

"D'oh," said Nephrite as they put a fancy wig and glasses on him. "At least I'm a spiffy looking mannequin."

* * *

Zoisite strolled down the street.

He looked at his chore list. It was just random letters. "Must be an encoded message," figured Zoisite. He encoded the message. It said, "Pick up the stuff."

Zoisite gasped and looked at his gunshot wounds from last week. "This is gonna be a tough one! I hope I don't die this time. Metalia wasn't too thrilled last week."

He passed by a display in the window of a local beauty parlor. "That's a nice hat," he commented. "But the mannequin is hideous."

Nephrite threw his frozen body into the window. Zoisite gasped.

"What the hell?"

"YOU GOTTA HELP ME!" cried Nephrite, but because he was frozen, it was too muffled to make out.

"Do you need help?" asked Zoisite.

Nephrite tried to nod but he was too frozen.

"Ok I guess not," said Zoisite, shrugging. "Cya round, and you should fix that hair of yours."

"MMmmmphhh!" Nephrite mumble-cried as Zoisite walked away. Nephrite was really in for it this time.

* * *

Jadeite awoke with a start. "Ugh," he mumbled. "How long was I out?"

He looked outside. It wasn't night when he had gone in there…

"Uh oh," said Jadeite.

Everyone was gone and the lights were out in the laundry mat. He turned them back on, and hesitantly looked in the washing machine.

"Oh my Beryl!" he cried. "The clothes were in there for so long that they completely altered their forms!"

He pulled out a pink bikini. "At least this one's still the same," he said with relief.

But the rest of the wash was just bras and underwear. "How did this happen?!" he cried, throwing the undergarments everywhere in distress.

"HEY!" yelled a lady. "WHY ARE YOU GOING THROUGH MY WASH, YOU SICK MAN!?"

"Hey, this is my wash!" yelled Jadeite.

"No, your wash is sitting right there!" said the woman. "I took it out because you left it in the machine for eight hours!"

"Oh," said Jadeite. "Oops."

He tossed his wash in the dryer without looking at it. "eZ"

He sat back down and picked up where he left off in his magazine.

"Table… of… contents," he read out loud. "This is getting good!"

He tried not to fall asleep, but the soothing sounds of the laundry mat put him back to sleep.

* * *

Zoisite put on a hooded sweat jacket and snuck through the back allies behind the KFC.

After circling exactly six times to avert suspicions, he stopped at a large metal door.

He tapped the secret pattern knock and waited nervously. A pair of eyes looked out through the mail slot.

"What's the password?" they asked.

Zoisite slipped the index card with the password on it under the door.

The guy read it out loud. "KFC 7 legs for 7 dollars. Correct."

"Do you have the stuff?" asked Zoisite.

"SHHHHHHHH!" the man loudly shushed. "Yes, I have the stuff."

Zoisite waited another ten minutes.

"Ok, I'm ready to accept payment," said the man.

Zoisite slipped $400 under the door.

The guy closed the mail slot.

Zoisite waited patiently outside.

The man never came back.

After three hours, Zoisite had enough. He punched down the door.

Inside, he spotted a glimpse of a cross-eyed lobster hopping out the back window.

"GRANDPA!" yelled Zoisite.

The lobster took off down the street. Zoisite chased after it, but when he turned the corner, the lobster had gathered 12 other cross-eyed lobsters, and they all had their guns pointed at him.

"Hey, take it easy there!" cried Zoisite, putting his hands up. "You don't wanna do this!"

The lead cross-eyed lobster turned back into Grandpa.

"Aww shucks, I was just goofing around," laughed Grandpa. "Here, take the stuff."

Zoisite reached out for the envelope, but instead Grandpa passed him a wild punch.

He fell to the ground. "GRANDPAAA!" he warned.

"Lobsters, go!" yelled Grandpa.

Zoisite shot his petals blinding them all. He teleported away as they all shot each other.

Once everyone was dead but Grandpa, who was immortal, Zoisite reappeared.

He used the element of surprise to try to pry the envelope from Grandpa's hand, but Grandpa was too strong. Grandpa kicked Zoisite in the stomach and he went flying.

"Oof!" he cried as he hit a wall. Zoisite knew he was done for as Grandpa turned back into the lobster and closed in on him.

* * *

Jadeite awoke with a start. "It's day again?" he wondered. "Better take my things out of the dryer!"

He reached into the dryer but he couldn't find anything.

"Huh?" he wondered.

He climbed into the dryer to get a better look. Upon examination with a microscope, he spotted one of Kunzite's shirt.

"Uh oh," said Jadeite. "Why'd it shrink!?" he gasped. "I didn't know this dryer was a Shrinkie Dinks oven!"

"This is not good!" he exclaimed as he pulled out the other twenty of Kunzite's identical outfits that were now no more than a millimeter big. "I only have two options," he realized. "Use a grow ray on these clothes, or use a shrink ray on Kunzite!"

He ran over to the local pawn shop and desperately told them his predicament.

"Well I'm sorry," said the pawn shop clerk. "But we're fresh out of shrink rays."

"Darn it! How about grow rays?!"

"Pssh," scoffed the clerk. "Everyone knows that grow rays are just science fiction. But if you want, we still have X-rays and stingrays!"

"NO, NOT STINGRAYS!" cried Jadeite fleeing.

"What's his deal?" the clerk wondered.

Jadeite flailed through the streets. "WHAT AM I GONNA DO!?" he cried.

"YOU COULD GET A LIFE, FAGGOT!" yelled some stranger.

Jadeite spotted the heckler and saw that it was none other than Mamoru Chiba.

They flew up into the sky. Jadeite tackled him into the ocean.

As Mamoru fell to his doom, he yelled, "Just get him a new outfit!"

"Gee, thanks!" said Jadeite.

He headed to the local costume store. On the way there, he passed the Four Sisters Beauty Parlor.

"Nice display!" he commented. "I bet that hat would go great with Kunzite's new costume I'm gonna pick out for him!"

"MMMMMpphhhhh!" cried Nephrite, still frozen.

"What's that?" asked Jadeite. "You don't think it would? D'aww, well if you say so, friendly mannequin."

Jadeite walked away.

Nephrite threw himself against the glass but it was too late.

Jadeite marched into Costumes R Us.

"Now what kind of costume does Kunzite wear again?" Jadeite wondered.

"Need any help?" asked a worker.

"Why yes, do you have anything that looks ridiculous and stupid, but kind of with an evil theme?"

"You mean like what you're wearing right now?" the worker asked him.

Jadeite looked down at his Negaverse outfit and gasped. "No, the exact opposite of this! Whatever you can find that's as different from my perfect outfit as possible!"

"Ok…" said the employee, walking into the back room for a few minutes and then returning.

She pulled out a few suggestions. "This is the evil fairy costume, it comes with wings!"

"Ooooh, that one might just work!" exclaimed Jadeite. "What else do you have?"

"This here is the fireman outfit. It comes with a complimentary hose!"

"Nice, nice," considered Jadeite, nodding his head approvingly.

"And this one's a Sailor Moon costume!"

"Oh boy!" cried Jadeite.

* * *

"WAIT!" cried Zoisite as Grandpa's foot collided with his head.

"Ye?" asked Grandpa Lobster.

"I can make you an offer that you can't refuse!" insisted Zoisite.

"Oh?" questioned Grandpa, returning into his old man form yet again.

"I still have 3 rainbow crystals on me!" Zoisite informed him.

"I have no use for those," said Grandpa.

"I have this coupon to KFC!"

"OOOOOO BABY!" yelled Grandpa. "Ok, I'm listening."

"So now, you'll put the envelope with the stuff in the middle, and I'll put the coupon in the middle, and we'll duel for it!"

"Aww yea!" said Grandpa enthusiastically. "But no cheating now! I have faith in you, Zoisite!"

"Of course I won't!" laughed Zoisite. "Who do you think I am?"

Grandpa put his envelope down.

"Ready, set," began Grandpa.

Zoisite warped to the middle, but Grandpa did to.

Zoisite only had time to snatch one item so he grabbed the envelope and teleported away, narrowly avoiding a fatal blow from Grandpa's walking stick.

"GRRRR! I'll get that pesky kid!" yelled Grandpa, devouring the KFC coupon that Zoisite had to leave behind. "Yum, meaty!" he said. He turned back into a lobster and swam down to his coral reef to pay his lobster family a visit.

* * *

Catsy, Birdie, and the other two sisters sat in the parlor.

"That mannequin sure is getting us a lot of business," commented the yellow one.

"What are you talking about? There's still zero customers," said the green one.

"Can it," said Birdie. "At least we don't have negative customers."

"That doesn't make any sense," said Catsy.

Suddenly, Nephrite ran up and slugged her.

"How did you get free?!" Catsy cried as she flew into the wall.

"I unthawed," stated Nephrite.

"Stop breaking our walls!" yelled Birdie.

Nephrite punted Birdie through the ceiling.

"Yay, a sun roof!" said the yellow sister.

"I hate the sun!" remarked the green sister.

"Stop your petty bickering and face your fates!" yelled Nephrite.

"I'll take him out!" shouted one of the remaining sisters.

"No, I will!" said the other one. "I'm the one who hated what he did to the ceiling!"

"I called it first!" whined the first one.

"CAN IT!" yelled the second.

They started slugging it out.

Nephrite jumped in the middle and extended both fists in opposite directions. The sisters were taken out when they least expected it.

He grabbed the gallons of bleach and left. "Hahahaha I beat season two guys!" bragged Nephrite. "I GOT DA POWER!"

On the way out, he ran into Prince Diamond.

"What's that about beating season two guys?" Diamond asked.

"Uh oh," said Nephrite.

He threw a gallon of bleach on Diamond and fled.

"Woah, my hair looks great!" exclaimed Diamond. "Oh wait, my hair was already white. Thanks though!"

* * *

Kunzite flipped through his funny pictures app on his phone.

"Heh heh, that guy fell off his bike," he snickered.

Suddenly all three Shitennou appeared in his room at once.

He slipped his phone under the pillow and began coughing.

"CHOKE CHOKE! I'm so glad you're all back! I was barely hanging in here! So did you finish my simple chores?"

"I didya one better!" said Jadeite.

"Oh no," said Kunzite.

"So," began Jadeite. "While I did your wash perfectly and without error, I decided that you're too good for that outfit. I threw out those out-of-style uniforms and got you a brand new one!"

"Uh oh," said Kunzite.

"Here ya go!" said Jed.

He pulled out the Sailor Moon outfit.

"YOU EXPECT ME TO WEAR THAT?!" barked Kunzite. "This isn't even my size!"

"Well all your other clothes are gone now, so…"

"What happened to them?" Kunzite asked.

"I told you, I threw them out!"

Kunzite looked at Jadeite suspiciously. "Just a quick question. Would you care to explain to me what dry-clean means?"

"Why?" asked Jadeite.

"Do it."

"Uh oh," said Jadeite. Jadeite fled.

Kunzite sighed. He decided to stay in his tank top and shorts forever.

"Here ya go Zoisite," he said, passing off the Sailor Moon costume.

"Aww thanks!" said Zoisite. "But I doubt there will ever be an occasion for me to wear this!"

"Don't worry Kunzite," began Nephrite. "Because unlike Jadeite, I didn't disappoint you!"

"Oh?" asked Kunzite. "So you took out that punk Nephrite?"

"We went over this…" Nephrite said cautiously. "You said that wasn't for me."

"Oh yeah, yeah. So what'd you do?"

"I got you your bleach," Nephrite said, passing Kunzite the gallons.

"Nephrite," stated Kunzite. "This is only eleven gallons."

"Well I got in a scrap on the way here, and I had to let one go. But I still did a pretty good job, right?"

"Get out of my sight," barked Kunzite.

"D'oh," said Nephrite.

"I didn't let ya down!" promised Zoisite. "It was a treacherous battle but I got you the stuff!"

"Sweet!" said Kunzite.

"So… what was the stuff anyway?" Zoisite couldn't help asking.

Kunzite opened the envelope. Inside it was the same KFC coupon that Zoisite had had in his pocket.

"Yay! 7 legs for 7 dollars! The best deal in the house!" Kunzite exclaimed giddily.

Zoisite jumped off a bridge.

* * *

Beryl enjoyed her alone time.

Eventually, Nephrite and Jadeite came running in. "We did everything Kunzite wanted! Now can we report to you again?"

"No," said Beryl. "You two can report to each other!"

"Woah, sweet!" exclaimed Jadeite.

"Nephrite!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Jadeite!" yelled Nephrite. "Everything is ruled by the stars!"

Queen Beryl smiled. "At least those two bozos have each other."

FIN


	82. Fight to the Finish:Jadeite vs Nephrite

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Sorry Jed, but you're no longer on energy snatching duty," explained Beryl.

"WAT!?"

"The job has been passed on to Nephrite because he claims he can get more energy from one person than you can get in 100."

"Then what will I be doing?" asked Jadeite.

"Your new job is to be my maid, now get to dusting!"

"D'oh!"

* * *

Nephrite led the letter that was on his door again.

He looked at the map that was attatched that was a map of the negaverse.

"This is where the map says I should be..." said Nephrite to himself slowly.

"NEPHRITE!" yelled a mysterious voice.

Nephrite turned around to see Jadeite.

"Hey Jadeite me boy"

"Don't 'hey Jadeite me boy' me!" barked Jadeite.

"uh oh"

"You know why I called you here."

"No I don't, all the letter said was to meet you here."

"Save it Nephrite! I called you here because I wanted to tell you to BACK OFF!"

"Back off what?"

"Back off with stealing energy! It's my job!"

Nephrite let out a hardy laugh.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! It's not my fault Queen Beryl put me on the job because I'm not incompetent like you, Jed-DORK!"

Jadeite was heated.

"You really are a n00b," continued Nephrite." You wouldn't know a good energy snatching plan if one hit you on the head."

Jadeite had enough.

Jadeite charged and threw a wild punch, but unfortunately for Jadeite, it was very predictable for his opponent.

Nephrite caught the punch with minimal effort.

"This is where my story ends," said Jadeite sadly.

"YOU GOT THAT RIGHT!" barked Nephrite using his free hand to uppercut Jadeite with incredible force. Jadeite went flying and didn't stop until he crashed into the wall and collapsed on the floor.

Nephrite approached Jadeite's brutally bashed corpse and once he got close enough extended his hand ready to finish off Jadeite with an energy blast.

"This looks like the end for you." said Nephrite.

But it wasn't the end, not yet. Jadeite had a burst of pure strength and sprung off the ground at lightning speed and threw a quick karate chop right at Nephrite's neck. Jadeite was sure he had Nephrite now.

Unfortunately, Nephrite blocked his chop with his right arm and counterattacked with a powerful kick that sent Jadeite through the wall.

Nephrite dusted off his shirt proudly. "That's the end of that!"

But what Nephrite didn't know, was that Jadeite didn't meet him unprepared. While Nephrite was distracted, Zoisite charged up a crystal from behind and threw it at Nephrite, sure this was the end of that pest.

Nephrite didn't even bat an eye when he turned around and caught the crystal with one hand in an almost automatic motion.

"uh oh" thought Zoisite.

Nephrite let out a shout and threw the crystal back at Zoisite at double the strength, but Zoisite was too stunned to even attempt to dodge.

"WAAA!" yelled Zoisite when he got hit, but before he could even react, Nephrite was on top of him so fast it almost would've looked like he teleported to an untrained eye.

Nephrite threw a powerful suckerpunch and then proceeded to deliver several jabs to Zoisite's stomach as Zoisite was sent backwards. He finished off his combo with another powerful uppercut and Zoisite was no more.

Nephrite turned just in time to see Jadeite charging him once more.

Jadeite threw another wild swipe but Nephrite ducked and socked him hard in the gut while yelling "RAAAAH!"

Jadeite collapsed to the floor as his pupils disappeared.


	83. Zoisite Meets His Match

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of-"

"Jadeite, have you done your summer reading?" Queen Beryl asked.

"Uh oh," said Jadeite.

"Jadeite I swear," warned Beryl. "If you don't have your twenty page book summary in five minutes, it's an eternal sleep for you!"

"Alright!" said Jadeite. "I'll just go grab it!"

He sprinted out of the room, flailing his arms.

He dashed into the Negalibrary like a wild boar.

* * *

"What to read… what to read…?" wondered Jadeite, browsing books. "How about this one? 'Diary of a Wimpy Skid.' Sounds relatable!"

Jadeite went to go check it out, but spotted Nephrite on the Negalibrary Negacomputer chuckling to himself.

"Whatcha doin, friend?" asked Jadeite.

Nephrite did not respond and instead continued typing like a madman.

"Whatcha doin, friend?" Jadeite repeated.

"I'm making a dating profile," Nephrite responded with an evil snicker.

"Good for you, man!" said Jadeite. "It's about time you thought about settling down."

"No, not for me, idiot!" barked Nephrite.

"Oh, sorry," apologized Jadeite.

"It's for Zoisite!" explained Nephrite.

Jadeite looked confused. "Doesn't Zoisite already have a boyfriend?"

"You have a lot to learn, Jadeite," Nephrite sneered. "I'm making a dating profile so that it gets zero responses and then I can show it to Zoisite and laugh."

"That's mean," said Jadeite.

"Rrrrr, back off!" barked Nephrite.

He started howling like a dog and Jadeite fled.

"CHAHCAHCHACHA!" laughed Nephrite as he filled out the information. "Occupation: faggot. Education: Johnson Community College. Interested in: FAGS!"

Nephrite chortled some more.

* * *

"How about this one?" asked Tiger's Eye.

"Meh," sighed Fisheye. "Still not as hot as Mamoru Chiba."

"No, we're looking for girls," said Hawk's Eye.

"Meh," sighed Fisheye. "Still not as hot as Mamoru Chiba."

The Amazon Trio sat in their small apartment looking for dates on the internet.

"Internet dating isn't easy, but it beats looking through the same pile of pictures all day!" Tiger's Eye commented.

They scrolled down the dating page to Zoisite's profile.

"Oooooh, this girl looks hot!" said Tiger's Eye.

"Yeah," agreed Hawk's Eye. "She's a real beauty."

They clicked on the profile.

"Wait a second, this girl's a guy!" cried Hawk's Eye.

Fisheye perked up. "Let me see! Ooooooh hooo hooo hoo!"

"Exit out of it!" yelled Tiger's Eye.

Hawk's Eye went to close the page.

"Never!" cried Fisheye.

Fish Eye backhanded Hawk's Eye.

"MY FACE MY FACE I SAY!" yelled Hawk's Eye.

"I'm sending him a message!" declared Fisheye.

Hawk's Eye and Tiger's Eye sighed. "Ok we're leaving."

They went to the other corner of their one room apartment and hid behind the sofa.

"I hope he doesn't get as attached to this one as he did Mamoru Chiba," sighed Tiger's Eye.

"My face still hurts," complained Hawk's Eye.

* * *

"AWWW F#$ #%ING BANANA PEEL!" cursed Jadeite in an uncharacteristic display of rage.

"LOOOLOLOLOLL!" laughed Kunzite. "I win the Mario Kart tournament!"

"Why do you guys have to play this at my house?" complained Nephrite.

"None of us have TV's," said Zoisite. "Alright, let's do a rematch, but this time only I get to use items."

"That's no fair!" cried Jadeite.

"Finders keepers, losers weepers!" Zoisite replied.

"That doesn't make any sense!"

"Neither does your 2nd place trophy! HAHAHAHA!"

Nephrite sighed and went back to playing on his laptop. Suddenly, a notification popped up in front of his Farmville tab.

"Rrrrr back off!" he yelled at the notification. "I was busy asking my friends to send me crops! Hey, what's this? I got a reply on my dating profile?"

"OOOOOOOOH!" said everyone in the room. "Nephrite's got a date?!"

"No, it's not a dating profile for me," said Nephrite. "I made one for Zoisite."

"Huh?" asked Zoisite. "Did you really have that many self-confidence problems that you had to make a handsome profile instead of your real one? Don't blame me when you end up on Catfish."

"No, I made it so I could laugh at you when it got no messages," explained Nephrite.

"That's mean," said Kunzite.

"Rrrrrr back off!" yelled Nephrite.

"But it got a message?" asked Jadeite.

"Yeah, it's from some fagboy," Nephrite replied.

Zoisite peered over at Nephrite's computer screen. Zoisite instantly fell in love.

"This loser wanted Zoisite to meet him at the Motoki's sister's diner at 3pm, but I'm just gonna block him to make him feel bad," said Nephrite.

He turned around but Zoisite was gone.

"Where do you think he went?" Jadeite asked Kunzite.

"Nowhere good," muttered Kunzite, teleporting away to go after them.

"Hey Nephrite, wanna play some Mario Kart?" Jadeite asked.

"Get out of my house!" barked Nephrite. "Shouldn't you be reading your summer reading book?"

"Shit!" cried Jadeite. He fled.

* * *

Zoisite showed up at the diner in a dress and bonnet.

Fisheye also showed up at the diner in a dress and bonnet.

After 20 minutes of searching, they both sighed. "Whelp, no guys here, time to go home."

They bumped into each other on the way out and their bonnets fell off. They both went to pick up each other's bonnets, when their eyes met.

"OMG! You're that guy from the internet!"

"OMG! So are you!"

"Why are you dressed up like a girl?" asked Zoisite.

"Cuz I'm gay, hbu?" asked Fisheye.

"I am too! OMG!"

"Let's go to the mall!" exclaimed Fisheye.

"OMG ya!" replied Zoisite.

Kunzite lowered his newspaper from the nearby booth he was sitting in and watched them leave.

"Hmmm," he mumbled.

"Excuse me sir do you have some extra syrup?" asked Jadeite, leaning over from his seat in Kunzite's booth.

He grabbed the syrup and poured it on his waffle.

Across from him was Nephrite.

"Grrr, what are you guys doing here?!" yelled Kunzite.

"Just following Zoisite around," said Nephrite.

"Yeah, and we figured it would be funner to follow him around with you! Since you're doing the same!" said Jadeite.

"They're leaving!" yelled Kunzite.

"But the waffles just got here!" exclaimed Jadeite.

"Let me out of the booth!" shouted Kunzite, trying to shove Jadeite away so he could get out.

"Not until I finish these waffles!"

Kunzite slugged Jadeite and ran after them.

"Can we have these in a doggie bag?" Jadeite asked Motoki's sister.

* * *

"So, are there any fun clubs around here?" asked Fisheye.

They had just left the mall with and had a huge pile of shopping bags.

"These are heavy, I'm leaving them," decided Zoisite, throwing the bags in the sewer.

"Same," said Fisheye.

A homeless man saw them doing it. "If you're throwing that stuff away anyway, can I have some shoes please?"

"No," said Zoisite and Fisheye at the same time. They threw the rest of the stuff in the sewer and then threw the homeless man in the sewer.

Then Zoisite led Fisheye to Rainbow Jim's Gay Bar.

"Oh boy this place has all the cute guys!" exclaimed Fisheye.

"I agree!" said Grandpa, waiting in line behind them.

"STAY AWAY FROM ME I GOT A RESTRAINING ORDER!" cried Zoisite.

"Who's this guy?" asked Fisheye.

"I'm Grandpa. Would you like to meet Grandpa Jr.?"

"Umm… sure?" said Fisheye, confused.

"NOO!" cried Zoisite. He tackled Fisheye out of the way just in time.

Grandpa was hauled off by the police.

* * *

Jadeite, Nephrite, and Kunzite stood in the back of the line.

"This is gonna take forever," yelled Kunzite.

"Move ya queers!" yelled Nephrite.

"Oh, I've been to this place before!" exclaimed Jadeite. "It was for one of my energy snatching schemes."

"Wait, so you went into a gay bar for an energy snatching scheme?" Nephrite asked.

"Yeah, I've done lots of gay things, but that doesn't make me gay!"

"Same," said Kunzite.

"Man, gay people are really the worst," stated Nephrite.

"Well, I wouldn't go that far…" said Kunzite.

"I wish I could kill them all," said Nephrite.

"Nephrite do you have something to tell us?" asked Jadeite.

"Nope, I just hate gays! Always have, always will."

"Why?" asked Kunzite.

"You're why!" yelled Nephrite. "GAYS SUCK!"

"HEY!" screamed Haruka and Michiru.

"Uh oh," said Nephrite. "Oh wait, you're gay, so you don't stand a chance against me!"

Nephrite threw a wild punch. So did Kunzite and Jadeite, for no reason other than that they were so frustrated from waiting in line that they just wanted to hit anything.

They were all beaten to a pulp and thrown in the sewer.

"Heya," said a homeless man.

"Woah free shoes!" exclaimed Jadeite. He reached for them but the homeless man slapped his hand away.

* * *

Zoisite and Fisheye had finally reached the bouncer at the front of the line.

"Hey, hey, hey," he said stopping them. "Are you ladies old enough to drink?"

"I'm 1017," said Zoisite.

"My age is not given," said Fisheye.

"I'm gonna need you to step out of line," said the bouncer.

"Oh come on!" insisted Fisheye. "We just wanna have some fun!"

"Step out of line!" the bouncer repeated.

"You can't say no to beautiful boys like us!" exclaimed Zoisite.

The bouncer threw them out of line. They stormed off.

* * *

Jadeite, Nephrite, Kunzite and the homeless man finally got out of the sewers.

"Cheerio," said the homeless man, parting ways.

They got back in line. 20 hours later, when they finally got to the front, Jadeite and Nephrite were let in with no problem.

But the bouncer stopped Kunzite.

"I'm sorry sir, but this is date night! You can't come in without a date!"

"How come they got in?" yelled Kunzite, in reference to Nephrite and Jadeite.

"They're clearly a gay couple," stated the bouncer.

"True," agreed Kunzite.

"But you, on the other hand, are forever alone."

"I have a boyfriend!" Kunzite shouted.

"I don't see him," remarked the bouncer.

Grandpa slid up next to Kunzite and grabbed his hand.

"Ah yes, you may proceed," the bouncer said, giggling internally.

"Grandpa, don't touch me!" cried Kunzite.

"Is that a way to treat your date?" asked the bouncer.

"GO AWAY!" yelled Kunzite running in. Grandpa latched on to his cape and didn't let go.

* * *

Zoisite and Fisheye stopped and sat down at a park bench.

"Looks like we're all alone," stated Fisheye.

"Yeah," said Zoisite. "So wanna play Mario Kart?"

"I was thinking we could do something more romantic…"

"More romantic than Mario Kart?" Zoisite asked with shock.

"Yes, I was thinking that we could get married! And have three kids!" exclaimed Fisheye. "We could both be the bride!"

"Oh, well this is awkward," said Zoisite. "I already have a boyfriend."

"WHAT?!" cried Fisheye. "THEN WHY DID YOU COME ON THIS DATE?!"

"Hey, I didn't even make a dating profile. That was this loser I know with no self-confidence."

"But… but… why did you come then?"

"I was looking for a friend who was as gay as me!" explained Zoisite.

"D'oh," said Fisheye. Fisheye left and went home sadly.

"Can we still be friends?" asked Zoisite.

"No," said Fisheye. "And you're too old for me anyway!"

"I'm only 1017!" cried Zoisite.

"Yeah but I prefer ten year olds," Fisheye said, and left.

"Another one got away," said Zoisite sadly.

* * *

Fisheye came in sad.

Hawk's Eye and Tiger's Eye peaked up from behind the sofa.

"How did it go?" Tiger's Eye asked obliviously.

"Leave me alone!" barked Fisheye.

"Was it another Mamoru Chiba?" Hawk's Eye asked.

"No, he just rejected me because he was already in a relationship," sighed Fisheye.

"So it's another Mamoru Chiba?" repeated Hawk's Eye.

"Never say his name again!" cried Fisheye, backhanding Hawk's Eye.

"MY FACE! WAAAA!" cried Hawk's Eye.

"D'aww, cheer up," said Tiger's Eye. "There's other fish *wink* in the sea!"

Fisheye couldn't help but smile at that one.

Hawk's Eye continued to cry because Fisheye broke his face.

"Wanna play Mario Kart?" asked Tiger's Eye.

"D'awww, ok!" agreed Fisheye, starting to cheer up already. "But only I can use items!"

"That's no-" began Hawk's Eye, but Tiger's Eye backhanded him.

"WAAAAAAAAA! MY FACE! MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!"

* * *

Nephrite, Jadeite, Kunzite, and Grandpa walked out of the gay bar.

"That didn't go so well," began Kunzite.

"We never did find Zoisite," added Jadeite.

"I learned a lot about myself in there," stated Nephrite, with a traumatized expression.

"Who wants to go another round?" asked Grandpa.

Kunzite turned to Grandpa. Grandpa leapt into the sewers.

On the way back to the North Pole, they ran into Zoisite.

"Hey, where were you guys?" asked Zoisite. "And why do you smell like sewrage? And gay people?"

"We've been looking for you all day!" yelled Kunzite.

"Why?" asked Zoisite.

"Because you went on a date with another man!"

"That wasn't a date," said Zoisite. "Well, at least I thought it wasn't."

"D'awww I should have known you'd never replace me!" said Kunzite with relief.

They started making out and Nephrite threw up.

"Gay people are the worst!" he yelled.

"Hey!" cried Haruka and Michiru.

"Let's skiddaddle!" cried Nephrite. Him and Jadeite fled.

"Hey Nephrite, wanna play Mario Kart at Nephrite's?" asked Jadeite.

"Meh, I guess," sighed Nephrite. "It's been a long day."

"Whoopee!" exclaimed Jadeite.

"I'm in!" added Gramps.

"No you ain't!" yelled Nephrite, teleporting away.

"Oh barnacles," said Grandpa. He went back into the sewers where he lived out the rest of his days in solitude.

FIN


	84. The Fest

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Jadeite," said Queen Beryl.

"Yes, Queen Beryl?" Jadeite asked.

"Ready to go to the fest?"

"What fest?" Jadeite wondered.

"The SLUG FEST!" hollered Beryl.

She sprung out of her throne and slugged Jadeite. She then proceeded to deliver slug after slug on Jadeite.

"Ouch, my queen," said Jadeite. "That hurt! Please stop!"

Queen Barley bonked him on the head.

"Youch!" yelled Jadeite.

"Jadeite go to your room," said Queen Beryl.

"I don't have a room…"

Queen Beryl teleported away, yelling "NYEH HEH HEH HEH!"

"That was strange," said Jadeite.

* * *

Nephrite heard a knock on his door.

He opened the door cautiously and saw a crazed-looking Queen Beryl.

"My queen! What a surprise!" he said, not very enthusiastically.

Queen Beryl had bags of luggage in her hands, a map, and a tourist cap on. "Nephrite, are you ready to go to the fest?"

"What fest?"

"The…. SLUG FEST!"

She hit him in the face with her luggage. She then proceeded to beat him with the luggage.

Nephrite was in a peril state, and Queen Beryl decided to leave him within an inch of his life. She teleported away.

* * *

Zoisite got a call on the phone.

"Hello?" he asked.

"Zoisite, report to me at once. We need to speak about the fest."

Zoisite gulped.

"Zoisite, we need to speak about the fest," repeated Beryl.

Zoisite had already gotten calls from the other Shitennou, so he knew what was coming.

"Zoisite!" screamed Beryl, getting angry. "We need. To talk. About. The fest."

"Yes," said Zoisite.

"Well?" exclaimed Beryl.

Zoisite sighed and gave in.

"What fest?" he muttered.

Queen Beryl leapt out of the closet and slugged Zoisite with much force.

Zoisite was crippled.

Kunzite came in then. "What's all the commotion?"

"Kunzite run!" cried Zoisite.

"Oh," said Queen Beryl. "No need to run. We were just heading out to go to the fest."

"What fest?" asked Kunzite obliviously.

"NOOOOO!" yelled Zoisite.

"THE SLUG FEST!" screamed Beryl. She alternated between slugging Kunzite and Zoisite rapidly.

She was about to finish them off once and for all, when she remembered something.

"Oh, crap, I have to leave!" she told them.

"Where are you going, my queen?" asked Kunzite obliviously.

"Just going to the fest!" she told him.

"What-" he began, but he stopped himself. He knew what she was setting up.

But Queen Beryl didn't care.

"THE SLUG FEST!" she hollered.

She threw Kunzite into the wall, and a painting fell on his head.

* * *

The next day…

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Actually, I have a better one," said Queen Beryl.

"But your highness, I didn't even tell you mine yet!" objected Jadeite.

"But Jadeite, mine involves the fest!"

"What-" Jadeite stopped himself.

Queen Beryl waited.

"Well? Aren't you going to ask which fest?"

"No, my queen."

"Why not?

"Well, quite frankly, I feel that you will answer 'the slug fest,' and then slug me!" Jadeite explained.

"Me? Do that? Never!"

"Ok then, I'll just be getting to that energy," said Jadeite, trying to make a hasty retreat.

"But Jadeite, don't you want to go to the fest?"

"I don't know what that means," replied Jadeite, desperately trying to avoid the wrong response.

"It means that I will send you to a certain fest. Do you know which fest it is?"

"No."

"Take a guess."

"The… the… spring fest?" Jadeite stammered, thinking fast.

"No, the SLUG FEST!" screamed Beryl.

Jadeite put his hands up to block but Queen Beryl was behind him before he could even blink.

She slugged him to the ground, and then proceeded to pummel him.

Then she warped away.

"That was strange," said Jadeite.

* * *

Nephrite heard another knock. He didn't answer the door. Rather, he put a chair up against it.

The knocking continued. He didn't just stop with the chair. He put the sofa in front next, and then a wardrobe. Beryl passed him another chair, and he put that there as well.

"Thanks," he said. "WAIT A SECOND!"

He turned to see Beryl.

"D'oh," he murmured.

"Nephrite," began Beryl. "Ready for the fest?"

"Yes," said Nephrite firmly.

Queen Beryl paused for a moment. She didn't know how to respond to this answer.

Finally she gave up and yelled, "THE SLUG FEST!"

She threw the chair and the wardrobe at him. He dodged. She immobilized him with magic and then slugged him rapidly.

He fell to the ground and she kicked him and left.

* * *

Queen Beryl called Zoisite's phone, but nobody picked up. She left a message.

Zoisite heard it on his answering machine.

"Hello, Zoisite. This is your good pal Beryl. I was just wondering if you could come to the fest this weekend!"

Zoisite climbed into a small box to hide.

The lid was lifted.

"THE SLUG FEST!" screamed Beryl, and then she punted him out the window.

She searched the house, and finally found Kunzite cowering in the bathtub.

"Kunzite!" she exclaimed. "I'm so glad I found you! Do you want to go to the fest?"

Kunzite defiantly looked away.

Queen Beryl got on the other side of him.

"Do you?"

Kunzite looked the other way.

Beryl projected a huge image of herself that was unavoidable. "Fest?"

Kunzite shut his eyes and covered his ears. He didn't respond.

"THE SLUG FEST!"

He teleported away but she caught him in the teleportation stream by the foot.

She brought him back to reality, and threw him into the ground. She did a pile driver on him and then flushed him down the drain.

* * *

After a long day of having fun with her loyal Shitennou, Queen Beryl retreated down to Metalia's quarters.

She was quite full of herself by now, and was ready for a harder target.

"Queen Metalia!" yelled Beryl.

"Hello Beryl, have you gotten the Silver Crystal yet?" Metalia asked.

"Oh yeah, I found it at the fest!" exclaimed Beryl.

"What fest?" demanded Metalia.

"THE SLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUG FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEST!" screamed Beryl, charging like a wildman.

She landed one good blow on Metalia before being vaporized.

"D'oh," said Beryl in Hell.

"Beryl," sighed Satan. "I just saw you last week! Stop coming back here!"

"Put a sock in it!" yelled Beryl.

"Who do you think you're talking to?" barked Satan.

"I'm sorry Satan, I was just frustrated after what went down at the fest," she sighed.

"D'aww, take a seat, and tell me all about what happened," said Satan compassionately.

"Well it all started at the fest," said Beryl.

"What fest?" asked Satan.

"THE SLUG FEST!" Beryl sprung out of her chair and pulverized Satan. She burnt his ashes and let herself out of Hell.

* * *

Meanwhile, the Shitennou had regrouped.

"I can't do this anymore!" sobbed Jadeite. "Beryl won't stop it with her slugfest joke!"

"We need to snap her out of it!" decided Nephrite. "BUT HOW?!"

"We have to fight fire with fire!" declared Zoisite.

"BUT HOW!?" repeated Nephrite.

"Let's give her a taste of her own medicine," Kunzite stated.

They all snickered evilly.

* * *

"Hey boys, I'm home from the fest!" called Beryl, reentering from the gates of Hell.

"Hi Beryl!" they all said enthusiastically.

"Wanna know what fest I was at?" she asked.

"Actually," said Jadeite. "We were wondering if you got the ticket!"

"What ticket?" demanded Queen Beryl.

"The one way ticket to SLAPEROO VILLE!" they all shouted, and charged Beryl.

They picked her up and spun her around like a top. Then they slammed her to the floor by the feet, and swung her back up and to the floor again.

They threw her up in there air and didn't catch her.

Nephrite ran her over with his car.

Then they threw her off a cliff.

"YAAAAAY!" they all applauded as she died.

* * *

She awoke in Hell. Satan was nowhere to be found, because she killed him.

She walked back into the Negaverse.

"Hey boys."

"SHIT!" they all cried.

Nephrite dropped his party hat and Kunzite spit out his latest bite of party cake.

"I just got back from Hell!" she told them. "Say, do you guys want one Hell?"

"One Hell?" questioned Jadeite, before the others could stop him.

"Yes, one Hell. One Hell of a beatdown!" she screamed.

Jadeite ran up and tried to dropkick Beryl, but Beryl caught his foot.

"Every time I die I get stronger!" she told them.

She threw Jadeite into the sun.

Zoisite tried to reason with her. "No thank you Beryl, I would not like one Hell of a beatdown."

"Well TOO BAD!" yelled Beryl. She put Zoisite in an eternal sleep.

Kunzite was mad. He was livid. He charged Beryl with all he had.

Beryl sidestepped and Kunzite couldn't stop in time. He fell off the Earth and into the sun.

"Everything is ruled by the star," said Nephrite.

"The star?" asked Beryl, thinking he had made a grammatical error.

Nephrite charged up his attack. "The STAR GENTLE UTERUS!" he shouted. He shot a season five attack and Beryl was no more.

* * *

Beryl awoke in Hell. Once again she just walked out and came back.

Nephrite was worn out; that season five attack took all his strength.

"Nephrite," said Beryl. "You're going down!"

"Going down where?" he asked, trying to stall.

"Beatdown!" she shrieked.

"That doesn't even make sense!" cried Nephrite.

Beryl extended her arm and grabbed Nephrite by the neck.

She took a chomp and ate his head off his body.

She dropped his brutally decapitated corpse and sat down.

"Well that was a riot," she laughed.

* * *

The Shitennou awoke in Hell.

They walked out of Hell unopposed.

"Hey Beryl!" they exclaimed, full of newly gained strength caused by their latest death. "Have you been talking smack about us?"

"Smack?" asked Beryl.

"SMACK DOWN!"

FIN


	85. Zoisite Schemes To Take Down Nephrite

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Go away Jeddy," said Queen Beryl.

"D'oh, okay," said Jadeite.

Zoisite came in next.

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Zoisite. "I found a new rainbow crystal holder!"

"I'll humor you and hear you out," decided Beryl.

"Yay! So anyway,"

Nephrite teleported in in front of Zoisite.

"Queen Beryl, everything is ruled by the stars!"

"Hey!" yelled Zoisite. "I was talking, you know!"

"Rrrrr, back off!" yelled Nephrite.

"But I was here first!" exclaimed Zoisite.

"Well too bad, I called dibs on this Beryl session!"

"What is this, Australian rules?" demanded Zoisite.

"No, Canadian rules," answered Nephrite.

"Gosh darn it!" yelled Zoisite, slapping his knee.

"Now, back off!" repeated Nephrite.

Zoisite teleported away crying.

"Anyway Queen Beryl, I just wanted to tell you how much I love you," said Nephrite.

"Get back to work!" barked Beryl.

* * *

"I hate him so much!" cried Zoisite on Kunzite's shoulder.

"D'awww," said Kunzite.

"D'awww?" asked Zoisite. "Is that all you have to say?"

"What do you want me to do?" asked Kunzite.

"Gee, I don't know, kill him or something?"

"I would," sighed Kunzite. "But I have to go be Beryl's golf caddy."

"How about afterwards?"

"Sorry, we're going to be doing 81 holes. It's gonna take a while."

"Can't you just take a break in the middle, finish off Nephrite, and return?" Zoisite asked.

"No," Kunzite sighed again. "Beryl needs me to cheat for her every turn, since she's really bad at golf. And she needs to impress the baddies from all the other seasons."

"D'awww," said Zoisite. "Guess I'm not the only one who has it rough. I'll take him out on my own then, don't you worry!"

"I don't think that's a good idea," advised Kunzite.

"No, I mean I'll get someone else to take him out."

"Oh, good luck with that!" said Kunzite and left.

Zoisite cried for a few more hours and then made a phone call.

* * *

Nephrite walked out of the grocery store holding shopping bags.

"Can't wait to eat these muffins!" he said happily.

Suddenly, a wild Youma appeared. It charged Nephrite.

Nephrite dropped one of his bags, and delivered a quick punch.

The Youma died.

Nephrite picked up his bag and continued walking home.

Zoisite stood behind the Walmart sign watching it all go down.

"Grrrr!" he scowled. "I'll get em' next time!"

* * *

Nephrite walked into his favorite bar.

"The usual," he said.

The bartender turned around.

"Here's your drink! With a complimentary DEATH!"

The bartender Youma charged Nephrite but was easily defeated.

"YOU LOSE, TRAITOR!" yelled a Youma from a booth behind him.

Three Youmas charged Nephrite. He stuck out his fist and spun in a circle, defeating all three of them.

Zoisite ducked below the window outside.

"GRRRR!"

* * *

Nephrite put on his pajamas and made himself a cup of hot cocoa. Suddenly, he heard a knock on his door.

"At this hour? Who could it be?"

He opened the door. It was the mailman with a package.

"Ummm?" asked Nephrite. "It's Sunday, me boy. And also 11pm. And also, I didn't order anything."

"Oh, my bad," said the mailman. "Someone must have sent you a gift. You need to sign here, initial here, and DIE TRAITOR!"

The mailman Youma pulled a sword out of the box and charged.

Nephrite made a bigger sword, and countered. He kicked the Youma out the window.

Another Youma ran right in. Nephrite kicked that one out the window too.

Outside Nephrite's door, there was a line of about a hundred Youmas. They all ran in one by one, and immediately after got kicked out the window.

Zoisite stared at the pile of Youmas.

"RAHHHHGHGHGHGHGJA! FFFFFFFFFFFFF!"

"Zoisite, this isn't working," said a brutally bashed Youma.

"Then we'll just have to try a more elaborate scheme!" Zoisite declared.

* * *

The next day, Nephrite was having his daily visit to his shrink.

"I just feel like the stars don't appreciate me like they used to," Nephrite sighed.

"Ah," said his therapist. "Well, maybe if you rekindled your relationship with them, for example by listening to their problems for once, things might get better."

"Maybe," agreed Nephrite. "Say, how much time do I have left with you?"

"You still have 20 minutes."

"Great!" said Nephrite. "So what if I took the stars to a dinner date? Would that help?"

"You know what I think you should do?" said the shrink. "You should DIE!"

The shrink pulled off his mask revealing a Youma. It charged Nephrite.

Nephrite picked up a nearby magazine and smacked the Youma on the head with such force that it was pulverized.

"All part of the scheme!" snickered Zoisite.

"Next three Youmas, go!"

Nephrite got jumped by three more Youmas. He kicked the first one, punched the second, and kick-punched the third. They died.

The next five Youmas swooped in from the ceiling in a V-shape.

Nephrite pulled out a rifle and shot them all down.

"I know you're around here, Zoisite!" barked Nephrite. "Give it up!"

"NEVER!" yelled Zoisite.

Nephrite turned around and aimed his rifle at Zoisite.

Zoisite yelped and teleported away.

* * *

Back in his castle he cried some more.

He called Kunzite's cellphone.

"Kunzite, I don't know what to do! He's beating up all my Youmas!"

"Sadly, I'm still busy," said Kunzite with frown.

"KUNZITE GET OFF THE PHONE!" barked Beryl.

"I'm sorry, you'll have to figure something out," apologized Kunzite, hanging up.

"Kunzite, pass me a club!" barked Beryl.

Kunzite passed her a spikey bat.

"A golf club, bozo!"

"Sorry, I was distracted," said Kunzite. He passed her a golf club.

She hit the ball backwards.

Kunzite teleported and caught the ball. He teleported to the hole and dropped the ball in.

"AWW YEAH HOLE-IN-ONE!" gloated Beryl.

Wiseman and Tomoe applauded.

* * *

"Waaaaaaaaaaaaa what am I gonna do?" sobbed Zoisite.

In a moment of desperation, he pulled out a phonebook. He turned to the one person he knew that he could count on.

* * *

Nephrite heard another knock on his door.

He sighed, and summoned another sword.

He opened the door, ready to strike.

"Hello, I'm a lost old man. May I take refuge in your humble abode?"

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" asked Nephrite.

"Can't I just visit my old friend sometimes?" Grandpa asked.

"We're not friends," said Nephrite.

"How dare you!" cried Gramps. He barged in and opened Nephrite's fridge.

"You don't have anything good in here," said Grandpa.

"Hey, get out of there!" yelled Nephrite.

"Can I have a cup of tea?"

"NO!"

"Please?" asked Grandpa.

"D'aww, okay, but drink it quickly and be on your way!" scolded Nephrite.

Grandpa sat and sipped his tea. "Say, Nephrite, how are things between you and that Molly girl?"

"Pretty well, actually! There's this one Melvin guy, but I don't think he's much competition. So yeah, I think me and Molly are gonna go steady soon, as long as-"

"DIE TRAITOR!" yelled Grandpa. He threw his tea in Nephrite's face.

"YARRRRG!" yelled Nephrite.

Grandpa leaped over the table and started slugging Nephrite.

Nephrite was temporarily stunned but he snapped out of it quickly.

He picked up Grandpa and threw him across the room.

Grandpa climbed to his feet.

"Grandpa, behind you!" cried Nephrite.

"Huh?" said Grandpa.

He turned around and Nephrite was behind him. He slugged Grandpa, causing him to fly into the other wall.

"Grandpa, what's the meaning of this?!" barked Nephrite.

"Zoisite paid me one KFC coupon to kill you!" cried Grandpa, cowering against the wall. He pulled out the coupon to show Nephrite.

"Hey, this thing is expired!" howled Grandpa. "Life is not worth living!"

Grandpa died.

"GAH!" yelled Zoisite. "I hoped it wouldn't come to this, but it appears I only have one option left."

* * *

Jadeite answered the phone.

"Jadeite," said Zoisite. "We're killing Nephrite."

"Ok," said Jadeite. "Sounds cool."

"Meet me at the Starlight Tower so we can discuss our plan!"

"Can't we just discuss it over the phone right now?" Jadeite asked.

"No," whispered Zoisite. "The NSA is listening!"

"Shit!" cried Jadeite. "I'll be there!"

"Darnit!" yelled the NSA agent on the line.

* * *

Jadeite and Zoisite teleported to the Starlight Tower.

"So," said Jadeite. "How are we gonna take down ol' Nephy?"

"I don't know," said Zoisite. "He's a superb soldier. One of the greatest of the Negaforce."

"Negaverse," corrected Jadeite.

"Negaslug!" yelled Zoisite, punching Jadeite.

"Youch!" said Jadeite.

"Anyway, my point being, we can't make any rash moves. We have to attack with a well thought out plan," Zoisite explained.

"Aww, but I wanted to jump him now!"

"That's too reckless! Let's jump him 10 minutes from now, since that way we'll have a plan," insisted Zoisite.

* * *

10 minutes passed.

Nephrite was sitting on his couch watching an hour special on the Discovery channel about stars.

"This is a bad program," said Nephrite. "They're going too much into what stars are made of, and not enough about how everything is ruled by them."

Suddenly, he heard a knock on his door.

He sighed once again, and picked out a sword.

He opened the door, but no one was there.

"Huh?"

He took a couple steps outside.

"Hello? Who's there?" he demanded.

He looked around for the source of the knock.

"I guess it was just the wind," he said, turning around to walk back inside.

Just then, Jadeite and Zoisite leaped out from the bushes.

"It's over for you!" yelled Zoisite.

Jadeite shot lightning at Nephrite. Nephrite blocked it with one arm.

"Uh oh," said Jadeite. "That was my best move."

"Idiot!" cried Zoisite. "You're supposed to save your best move until the end of the fight!"

"This is the end of the fight!" yelled Nephrite charging.

Zoisite and Jadeite made a sharp turn around and started sprinting for the hills.

"What was the plan here?" asked Jadeite.

"I don't know," said Zoisite. "I never saw you fight, so I guess I assumed you were better."

"Why would you assume that?" asked Jadeite. "I never saw you fight either, so I assumed you were the good one!"

"HA!" laughed Zoisite. "Why would I ask you for help then?"

Nephrite teleported in front of them.

They leapt back in shock, and fell over.

Nephrite charged up an energy blast. "Any last words?"

"Yes," said Jadeite. "Marco!"

"Huh?" asked Nephrite.

"POLO!" cried Jadeite. He latched onto Zoisite, and Zoisite teleported away.

"Phew!" they exhaled.

Zoisite had teleported them into a closet in his castle. "He'll never find us here!"

"That was a close one," said Jadeite in relief.

"Sure was," added Nephrite.

"Yeah, I'm really glad that- Wait a second!" cried Zoisite.

They opened the door, and as the light shined in, they saw the menacing figure of Nephrite.

They leapt out of the closet and started running in place, getting ready for a quick escape.

Nephrite extended his arms and grabbed them both by the necks.

He smashed their head together.

Jadeite threw a weak punch but it felt like a gust of wind.

"If you kill me, Kunzite will know you did it!" threatened Zoisite. "He will end you!"

"He doesn't even know where I live!" taunted Nephrite.

"Then I'll call him and tell him!"

Zoisite pulled out his phone, but he was all out of minutes.

"D'oh!"

"This is where our stories end!" stated Jadeite.

* * *

"Queen Beryl, can I take a quick break to kill Nephrite?" Kunzite begged.

"Do that on your own time!" barked Beryl.

She pulled out her club to swing, but Kunzite was too distracted checking his texts to see if Nephrite was dead yet.

She hit the ball wildly, snapping Kunzite into focus.

"Shit!" cried Kunzite. He teleported, but he just missed the ball. He teleported again but he missed the ball again. He kept teleporting but he couldn't keep up with Beryl's wild and horrible swing, and so he lost sight of the ball.

"NOOOOOO!" cried Kunzite.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Beryl.

Wiseman and Tomoe laughed.

Beryl slugged Kunzite with the golf club.

"D'awww I hope Zoisite is having more fun than I am right now," Kunzite said sadly.

* * *

"Please spare me!" begged Zoisite, all out of options.

"HAR HAR HAR," laughed Nephrite with a hardy chuckle. Then he giggled like a hyena. "Maybe I'll spare Jadeite."

"I don't want your pity, gaywad!" yelled Jadeite.

"Damn," said Nephrite. "Okay, I'll kill you too, if you really want me to. When did things get so hostile between me and you, anyway?"

"I don't know," sighed Jadeite. "But it's too late to turn back now."

"Yup, cuz I'm gonna kill you both in 3… 2… 1…."

Just then Beryl's lost wild golf ball bonked Nephrite on the head. He fell to the floor, losing his grip on Zoisite and Jadeite.

Jadeite skidded away like a cat, and Zoisite teleported like a Wildman.

"GAH!" cried Nephrite. "I almost had 'em! Stupid golf ball!"

He tossed the ball angrily out the window.

* * *

"Welp Kunzite since I'm gonna lose this match and all the money I bet on it, I guess I have to kill you," decided Beryl.

"Welp it was a pleasure working for you," said Kunzite sadly. "Although I regret not killing Nephrite."

Suddenly, the ball that Nephrite had tossed landed directly in the hole.

"ANOTHER HOLE-IN-ONE!" gasped Beryl in shock.

Wiseman and Tomoe gasped, and then threw down their clubs in a blatant display of poor sportsmanship.

"YEET I WIN!" yelled Beryl, dancing around.

"So will you not kill me?" asked Kunzite hopefully.

"Nah."

"Yay I live to see another day!"

FIN


	86. Jadeite Gets His Star Seed Stolen

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"What is it, Jadeite?"

"There's this new cable company called Galaxy TV. I'm going to go in there as an auditioning news reporter, and then I'll steal their energy!"

"I don't know about that, Jadeite," warned Beryl. "That place seems suspicious. You should ask Metalia first; she knows all the spawns of Chaos around these parts."

"Nah eZ pZ," laughed Jadeite.

"Jadeite, you're a fool," said Beryl.

"But I'm your fool!" replied Jadeite.

"D'aww," sighed Beryl. "Get on out of here, you knucklehead!"

Jadeite left and headed over to Galaxy TV.

* * *

It has been two months since Jadeite went to steal energy at Galaxy TV.

"Queen Beryl, I'm worried," said Nephrite.

"Why?" asked Beryl.

"We haven't seen Jadeite for two months!"

"Who?" asked Beryl.

"He's one of the four Shitennou," explained Nephrite.

"The who?"

"Us, Queen Beryl."

"Who's us? Who are you? Who am I!?" cried Beryl in anguish.

"Man," thought Nephrite. "Jadeite's disappearance has had more of an impact on Beryl than I would have thought.

He turned to Beryl. "Do I have your permission to head over to the last place Jadeite went to steal energy and look for him?"

"Only if you take Zoisite and Kunzite," commanded Beryl.

Zoisite appeared. "WHAT?! WHY?!"

"Because you're losing your touch, Zoisite. You need to get out on the field more."

"Can't I get out on my own?"

"No, you need to be supervised by a competent employee like Nephrite. Wait a second…" realized Beryl. "Well either way, you'll need all the back-up you can get if a powerful warrior like Jadeite was overwhelmed there. Wait a second… Either way," continued Beryl.

"Queen Beryl, are you okay?" asked Zoisite.

"I MISS JADEITE!" she screamed, and started to sob.

"?" "?" "?"

"GO BRING HIM BACK TO ME!" cried Beryl. "GO, GO, GO!"

Nephrite and Zoisite fled in horror. "I never knew she felt that way!" they both thought in shock.

* * *

Kunzite, Zoisite, and Nephrite cautiously entered Galaxy TV.

They were greeted by an employee.

"Hello, welcome to Galaxy TV!"

"JADEITE?!" they all gasped.

"Who is this 'Jadeite,' of which you speak? I am Sailor Copper Ferret, an employee of Galaxy TV!"

"?" "?" "?" the Shitennou replied.

"Jadeite, this isn't funny," chided Nephrite. "Beryl has been worried sick."

"Who?"

"Jadeite!" barked Nephrite. "Come home immediately."

"I am home," he said in a disturbing tone, without blinking. "This is my home, now."

"Something is wrong with him," said Zoisite.

"Nah he's just trolling," scoffed Nephrite. "And he's taking it too far!"

"That's it, we're speaking to the manager of this joint," decided Kunzite. "Jadeite, take us to your manager."

"I'm afraid she's not taking visitors at the moment. Can I take a message?"

Zoisite slapped Jadeite. "Come to your senses, man!"

"SECURITY!" cried Jadeite. "I have been assaulted by a stranger!"

He went to press the security button, but Kunzite slugged him. He fell back in his chair and was knocked unconscious.

Zoisite bent down to pick-pocket him, when he spotted something strange. "What are these gauntlets he's wearing?"

"Ah, who cares, they're not important," said Kunzite.

"I know but they look expensive. I'm trying to steal them but they won't come off!"

"We don't have time for that, come on!"

They walked down the hall, until they reached an out of service elevator.

"I don't want to walk stairs!" shouted Nephrite. He tried to pry the doors open.

"Nephrite, it says out of service for a reason," said Zoisite. "Bozo!" he added.

Nephrite pried the doors open anyway. They climbed in and he started pressing all the buttons.

"That's just wrong," said Kunzite judgingly.

"It's not gonna work," sighed Zoisite.

Suddenly the doors closed and the elevator went flying up.

"This is where our story ends," said Kunzite sadly.

They braced themselves to be dropped to their deaths, or trapped and starved. But then the doors open up, and they were in some space-like realm.

Nephrite looked down. "How are we standing on space? Is this some kind of invisible glass?"

"WHO DARES ENTER MY CHAMBERS!" barked Galaxia.

"Oh hey, are you the manager?" asked Kunzite. "We have a complaint."

"You are not supposed to be up here," said Galaxia. "You have seen too much. You must die!"

"No thank you," said Nephrite politely. "So anyway,"

"Sailor Copper Ferret, charge them!" yelled Galaxia.

Jadeite entered the room. "Yes, my queen."

"But Beryl is your queen?!" gasped Nephrite.

"Who?" repeated Jadeite.

"What have they done to poor Jadeite?!" cried Zoisite. "I want the old Jadeite back! Wait a second…"

Jadeite charged the Shitennou.

Kunzite laughed. Nephrite crossed his arms cockily. Zoisite hid behind them.

"Guys, watch out," he whimpered.

"Don't worry," laughed Nephrite. "Jadeite's a weakling."

Jadeite slugged Nephrite and he went flying. He didn't stop flying until he hit an invisible glass wall 100 ft away.

"Uh oh!" said Zoisite. "Looks like Jadeite has been lifting!"

"Pshh," scoffed Kunzite. "Nephrite's a weakling. I'll handle this one!"

Jadeite threw a karate chop. Kunzite blocked it. "See?" But then the force of the chop finally kicked in, and Kunzite went flying too.

Jadeite turned to Zoisite.

"I SURRENDER!" cried Zoisite, throwing himself backwards into the wall.

"HAHAHHAHA!" laughed Galaxia evilly.

Out of the blue, Jadeite turned around and fired an energy blast at Galaxia. For a few seconds, it almost looked like he was going to beat her. But then when the light dimmed down, it was revealed that Galaxia was unscathed.

Jadeite charged Galaxia with all he had.

"JADEITE, GO!" yelled the Shitennou.

Jadeite threw many blows, but it had little to no effect. Galaxia caught Jadeite's fist, and spun him around like a top, before pile driving him into the clear floor. She then chucked him across the room, and shot an energy blast at him as he was still flying back.

"JADEITE, NO!" yelled the Shitennou.

"Don't worry, friends!" said Jadeite. "Despite Galaxia's control gauntlets, I was suddenly able to get my memories back!"

"Good job," commended Nephrite.

"You have the mental strength of an owl," Kunzite told him admiringly. "You can still defeat her!"

Nephrite approached Jadeite. "I see the problem. These gauntlets are suppressing your true power! I'll take them off so you can beat her!"

"Wait, no," said Jadeite.

Nephrite took off the gauntlets and Jadeite faded away.

"Gosh darn it," said Nephrite. "He was our only hope."

Kunzite charged Galaxia wildly. He threw blow after blow, but unfortunately he did not throw enough. She swatted him away like a fly. When he impacted with the floor, he combusted.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" cried Zoisite. Zoisite charged Galaxia in a moment of uncharacteristic bravery.

Zoisite shot petals and yelled "ZOI!" but it wasn't enough. Zoisite couldn't stop his charge in time, and Galaxia lifted up her arm, causing Zoisite to collide with it.

Zoisite fell to the floor and curled up like a dead bug.

"I call forth the power of the stars!" yelled Nephrite. He called forth the power of the stars, and shot an energy blast. Galaxia didn't even move a muscle, and the projectile reflected off of her and hit Nephrite. He went flying backwards, yelling, "ARGGGGGHY!"

"Welp looks like my story has reached its final page," noted Nephrite.

Galaxia stood up for the first time in the series and walked over to Nephrite's brutally bashed body.

"Pls," he begged sadly.

"It looks like your story has reached its final page!" said Galaxia.

"That's what I just said, dumbass."

Galaxia kicked Nephrite.

"OOF!" he cried, tumbling over.

She raised her arm to finish him off.

"NOT SO FAST!" yelled someone entering the room.

It was Queen Beryl.

"BERYL!" cried the Shitennou.

"I'm here for Jadeite!" called Beryl. "I will rescue him if it's the last thing I do!"

"Huh, so I guess being without him caused you to realize how much he really meant to you?" asked Nephrite.

"Don't make me put you in an eternal sleep," she warned. "And speaking of which… Galaxia?" she began. "SLEEP FOREVAHHHHH!"

The attack made Galaxia blink.

"Uh oh," said Beryl.

Galaxia extended her arm and grabbed Beryl by the neck.

"So, are you accepting applications? Can I have a set of them gauntlets?" asked Beryl desperately.

Galaxia threw Beryl into her throne, knocking it over.

Beryl was out of commission. Galaxia went to finish off Nephrite again.

"NOoooooo!" cried Nephrite.

"STOP RIGHT THERE!" yelled a voice.

Galaxia looked up.

There stood Queen Metalia.

"Son?!" gasped Galaxia.

"Papa Chaos!" cried Queen Metalia. "It's been ages!"

"Honey, I'm so you're home!" exclaimed Galaxia. "I could never hurt you!"

"Papa, can you stop killing my minions? I kinda need those," requested Metalia.

"Sorry, but no," said Galaxia.

Metalia charged Galaxia with all she had.

Galaxia kicked Metalia and she flew into the wall.

But Metalia wasn't done yet.

"Zoisite, merge with me!" cried Metalia.

"Huh?" asked Zoisite.

"I think you should merge with me instead," interrupted Nephrite.

"No, me and Zoisite are very close. It's the only logical move!"

"I've never talked to you in my life," said Zoisite.

"IT'S THE ONLY WAY!" cried Metalia.

Metalia fused with Zoisite, making Super Zoisite.

"SUPER PETALS!" called Super Zoisite, throwing an attack.

They were about as effective as the regular petals.

Galaxia picked up Nephrite and used his body to bat down Super Zoisite.

But Super Zoisite wasn't finished yet. He spawned a giant crystal behind Galaxia.

"Super Zoi!" he yelled, giving away the fact that he was about to sneak attack.

Galaxia turned around and swatted away the super crystal.

"Don't you have any other moves?" asked Metalia inside Zoisite's head.

"No," said Zoisite sadly.

"Ok then just charge like a Wildman," suggested Metalia.

Zoisite threw himself at Galaxia.

Galaxia dodged and killed Super Zoisite.

She once again walked over to kill Nephrite.

"NOT SO FAST!" cried Beryl, climbing to her feet.

"Nephrite, merge with me!" cried Beryl.

"Huh?" said Nephrite.

Galaxia turned around and shot Beryl.

"Oh well, I don't even think we could have done that," sighed Nephrite.

Galaxia approached him again.

"GRANDPA PUMMEL OF DEATH!" screamed Granpda, coming from the sky.

He was riding a mount, but he was far away so Nephrite couldn't see what it was yet.

But when he grew nearer, it came into focus. He was riding Pharoah 90. He smashed Pharoah 90 into Galaxia. She was mortally wounded, but not out yet.

She crawled to her feet.

Grandpa assumed she was too weak to fight, so he turned into a cross-eyed lobster and charged.

She caught him and cooked him in a pot. She dipped him in butter and ate him with a bib and knife. "Tasty!" she commented.

"I won't let you hurt anyone else!" called Princess Kakyuu.

Galaxia one-shotted her.

She went to go finish off Nephrite.

"NOT SO FAST!" yelled Sailor Saturn. "I'll call forth the silence and finish you off!"

Galaxia laughed. "Go ahead and try it, but I bet you won't!"

Saturn didn't think Galaxia would call her bluff. She hung her head and left.

"I'll stop time if I have to!" yelled Pluto. She stopped time.

"Wait, now what?" wondered Pluto. Her time freeze ran out.

Galaxia slaughtered her in cold blood.

"ANYONE ELSE!?" demanded Galaxia. "OR CAN I KILL THIS FOOL NOW!?"

"I'll save you, Nephy!" called a new opponent, entering the ring. "For I, the great Tuxedo Melvin, will-"

Galaxia disintegrated him. All that remained was a single shrimp.

Nephrite mourned his death.

Kunzite stood up, despite having previously combusted.

"This one's for Zoisite!" he yelled. He threw two boomerangs in an attempt to tear Galaxia's dress.

Galaxia caught the boomerangs in each of her hands. She threw them back. Kunzite put up his cape to shield.

He cringed and awaited the worst. "In retrospect, in the time it took me to put my cape up, I should have just teleported," he noted. But it was too late. The boomerangs hit.

He looked up. "Why am I not dead? Holy shit, the cape block worked! HAHA!"

Galaxia killed Kunzite.

She walked over to Nephrite. She looked all around, waiting for someone to come in.

"This ends now!" she cried, after waiting several seconds.

She killed Nephrite.

FIN


	87. Nephrite Slowly Transitions Into A Dog

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Actually, Jadeite, I have a job for you."

"Huh?" asked Jadeite in shock. "But I thought this was my job!"

"No, silly, no one ever told you to get energy."

"But- but- but," Jadeite sputtered. He was about to explode when Beryl continued.

"I want you to shadow Kunzite for the day."

"?" responded Jadeite emotively.

"He is the most powerful Shitennou, (although that's not saying much), so I think you can learn a thing or two from watching him."

"Oh boy!" said Jadeite. "I love learning!"

"NERD!" shouted Beryl, throwing a football at Jadeite.

He caught it and scored a touchdown.

"I underestimated you, Jadeite," admitted Beryl. "You're the coolest kid in school."

"Gee, really?" asked Jadeite.

Beryl threw a soccer ball at Jadeite. Jadeite was taken down.

"Lololol jk," said Beryl.

Jadeite crawled away as Beryl threw a large variety of sports balls at him.

* * *

Nephrite sat in his house drinking his alcohol.

"It's five o'clock somewhere," he told himself desperately.

"Hahahaha drinking at 4AM on a Wednesday? Get a life!" mocked Zoisite, appearing.

"RRRRR back off!" barked Nephrite.

"What, are you going to poison the Sailor Scouts with alcohol? Is that your brilliant scheme?"

"RRRRRRRRRRRRRR back off!" barked Nephrite again.

"I will ruin you Nephrite!" yelled Zoisite in an empty threat.

"RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!" growled Nephrite, shaking his head frantically.

"Huh?" asked Zoisite, taking a step back. "Are you okay? Do you need a ride home?"

"I'm at my home, RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!" screamed Nephrite. He lunged at Zoisite. Zoisite quickly fled.

He teleported home.

"Kunzite that was scary!" he cried.

There was a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" called Kunzite.

"It's me, Jed!"

Kunzite pulled the lever for the trap door.

"Did you get him?" Zoisite asked.

"Let me check."

Kunzite opened the door. Jadeite was hanging onto the edge of the trap.

"Uhh, Kunzite?" asked Jadeite. "I think your doormat malfunctioned!"

"No it didn't," said Kunzite. He tried to kick Jadeite into the hole.

"Hey there! Stop doing that, I might fall!" exclaimed Jadeite.

"Oh no," said Kunzite, continuing to kick him.

Zoisite pulled the lever back to close the trap door. It squashed Jadeite's hands and he fell in the hole.

"That's the end of that," said Zoisite.

"Hey!" they heard Jadeite scream in a muffled voice. "There's sharks down here! They don't like me very much! I think you should feed them so they're not hungry for my flesh!"

Kunzite and Zoisite went inside.

There was another knock on the door.

They opened it and Jadeite was standing there with a tray of cookies.

"How did you get out of there?" howled Zoisite.

"I teleported," replied Jadeite.

"Gosh darn it," said Kunzite. "So what do you want?"

"To give you these cookies! And also Beryl said I must shadow you for the day."

"Curse you Beryl!" yelled Zoisite.

Beryl's image appeared. "One more outburst like that and I'll have your head, Zoisite!" howled Beryl.

"D'oh," said Zoisite.

"Why does Beryl want you to shadow me?" asked Kunzite.

"She said you are the most powerful so you have a lot to teach me."

"That's very true," said Kunzite. "Follow me and I will show you my ways."

"Can I tag along?" asked Zoisite.

"No," said Jadeite.

They both left.

"WTF!?" cried Zoisite. He went to Beryl.

"Queen Beryl, Kunzite and Jadeite left me alone! "

"How is this my problem?" demanded Queen Beryl.

"Well I'm probably as bad as Jadeite, don't you think I need to shadow Kunzite too?"

"No, you hang out with him too much. You need to find a new crowd. How about Nephrite? Isn't he a friend of yours?"

"Not exactly."

"Well too bad! Go hang out with him! That's an order!"

"But Queen Beryl! I went to visit him not so long ago, and he was acting strange. Almost… doglike."

"What do you mean?" asked Beryl.

"He kept barking at me and then he growled and shook his head frantically."

"That's ridiculous," said Beryl. "You're just imagining things."

"I hope so," said Zoisite.

* * *

When Zoisite appeared in Nephrite's house, Nephrite wasn't inside.

Zoisite went outside and made a lap around the perimeter to look for him.

When he spotted him, he was going to the bathroom on a fire hydrant.

"Oh heavens!" cried Zoisite. "Do that inside!"

"RRRRRRRRRRRRR BACKAHHHHHH!" he howled.

"WA!" cried Zoisite.

He started to run away but Nephrite jumped down on all fours and started chasing him.

Zoisite turned around and saw Nephrite foaming at the mouth. He was now barking like a dog.

"BRHRHRHRHRHRHRHGGGgRRAHHHHGHGH!" howled Nephrite at the moon.

While he was howling at the moon, Zoisite ran over to a tree and pulled a stick off.

"This may be my only chance!" Zoisite cried.

"Go get it, boy!" he called. He threw the stick.

Nephrite ran after it.

"Phew," thought Zoisite, and teleported inside.

But Nephrite teleported after him.

"WA!"

"RRRRRRR RRR RGRRR BARK BARK YIP YIP!" hollered Nephrite.

Zoisite screamed like a girl and tried to hide.

He jumped in the fridge and chain-locked the door.

* * *

"So Jadeite," began Kunzite. "This is the Crown Arcade. This is where I come to play Donkey Kong!"

"I see," said Jadeite, writing frantically on a notepad.

Kunzite sat down. He pulled out a sack of rolls of quarters and put one in the machine. He played Donkey Kong for five hours.

"Kunzite," Jadeite asked cautiously.

"GAH! YOU RUINED MY GAME! YOU BASTARD!" howled Kunzite.

He put a coin in to continue.

"Kunzite, how is this going to teach me to be stronger?"

"It's all in the technique," explained Kunzite. "After you observe me for eight more hours, I might let you have a turn. If you're ready."

"Oh boy oh boy, I can't wait!"

After another two hours, Jadeite started to zone out. Finally, he fell off his chair and into Motoki.

"Howdy!" said Motoki.

"Watch where you're going, fatass!" yelled Jadeite.

"Well that's not very polite," stated Motoki.

"I'm sorry," said Jadeite. "I'm just getting frustrated from watching my friend here play the same three stages over and over again."

"It's okay! I'm forgiving!" chuckled Motoki kindly.

Jadeite threw a wild punch at Motoki.

Motoki flew into the coin machine, and all the coins fell out.

"Oh boy more turns!" exclaimed Kunzite.

Jadeite was mad. He ran up and started kicking Motoki.

"Watch it there, buddy!" said Motoki. "If you keep that up, I might die!"

Jadeite kicked him until he was no more.

"How dare he look somewhat like me!" barked Jadeite.

"I don't see the resemblance," commented Kunzite, who wasn't paying attention.

"WHEN CAN I GET A TURN!?" howled Jadeite.

"After I beat the game," said Kunzite.

"YOU CAN'T BEAT IT! IT JUST KEEPS GOING!"

"Or maybe everyone else thinks that way, and that's why they've never gotten to the end!"

Kunzite put another coin in.

* * *

Meanwhile in Africa…

"Hello, I am Evil Mamoru Chiba. I am here to take your rainbow crystal… again!"

"D'oh," said Reika.

"Also, to add insult to injury, your boyfriend is dead!"

"Which one?" asked Reika.

"Motoki."

"Oh boy!" exclaimed Reika. "I can finally go back to Japan!"

"Yeah, in my Black Crystal! HAHAHAHHA!" laughed Evil Mamoru.

"D'ah!" said Reika.

* * *

Zoisite gasped in horror as Nephrite slammed his body into the fridge. He head-butted it again, and Zoisite started whimpering.

"This looks like the end of the line," said Zoisite sadly.

"RRRARRRRARARARARARAR!" yelled Nephrite through the door. He started gnawing at the handle of the fridge.

"I can't stay in here anymore!" decided Zoisite. He teleported outside the fridge, hoping Nephrite wouldn't spot him.

Nephrite spotted him instantly. Still on all fours, Nephrite charged him and took a chomp on his leg.

"OUCH!" cried Zoisite. Zoisite kicked Nephrite and he went flying into the wall. "BAD DOG!" he yelled, and Nephrite skittered away.

"He's gone for now, but he'll be back," Zoisite realized grimly. "I have to restrain him."

Zoisite teleported to the local Food Lion and bought a can of dog food.

He went through the check out.

"That will be 98 cents," said the cashier.

"Oh, I only have 97," said Zoisite, counting his change. "Can't you pay the extra penny for me?"

"No," said the cashier. "That's not allowed."

"Please!" begged Zoisite. "I will die without this dog food!"

"We hear that one every day."

"I doubt it!"

Zoisite slugged the cashier and made a run for it.

There happened to be an officer outside, and he chased him down.

Zoisite was arrested and sent to prison.

* * *

Jadeite was sound asleep. It was 3AM.

"OMG WAKE UP!" cried Kunzite.

Jadeite awoke with a start.

"I BEAT DONKEY KONG!"

"Huh?"

Jadeite walked over to look at the screen.

"You are a winner!" said Mario, holding up a trophy.

"Dang," said Jadeite. "That's impressive."

"I know, wasn't it worth it?"

"Well…" began Jadeite.

"Now I will go to the skate park."

"Ok," said Jadeite tagging along.

"Yo homies!" yelled Kunzite at a bunch of skater kids. "What's diggin?"

"Go away, old man!" yelled the kids.

"Hey, I'm only 25-26!" he exclaimed.

"Why is your hair white then?" asked a kid.

Kunzite picked him up and snapped him in half. "Any of you other dweazles wanna mess with my sick jams?"

The kids all scrammed.

"Now the park is ours, Jadeite." Kunzite pulled out a skateboard. "This is what I call the Negashuffle!"

He went down the ramp and flew up in the air. He spun around in a circle and landed.

"That looked a regular 360," said Jadeite.

"Let's see you do better!"

"Uh oh," said Jadeite. He had never skateboarded before. He put on his roller skates instead and shuffled to the top of the ramp.

"Here goes nothing!" said Jadeite squeezing his eyes shut. He fell face first on his face.

"D'oh!"

Kunzite shot off a nearby ramp and used Jadeite as a hurdle. Then he skated along the rail and did a triple flip in the air.

"DWEAZLE!" he yelled.

* * *

"Good thing I managed to escape from prison. Too bad I only remembered I could teleport after crawling through the vents for three hours."

Zoisite put down the dog food. "Here boy!" he called. He made a clicking sound. "Come get some chow!"

Nephrite peaked out from behind the sofa he was eating. He slowly approached the grub and sniffed it.

He went in for a lick.

Zoisite ran up and tossed a collar around him like a lasso. "Good thing I took those cow wrangling lessons at the YMCA!" said Zoisite. He tied Nephrite to a stake outside.

He went back in to watch TV in Nephrite's house. "You can say a lot about the guy, but he has good stations. Kunzite said it's pointless to have both Hulu and Netflix, but Nephrite gets it!"

* * *

"Now we are going to bungee jump off this bridge!" said Kunzite, tying a bungee to himself and getting ready to jump.

"Are you sure this will help me be a better Shitennou?" Jadeite asked.

"Did you put your bungee on yet?"

"I think so, can you check and make sure it's on right?"

"Nah you'll be fine," said Kunzite dismissively. "Now let's go!"

He pushed Jadeite off the bridge and then jumped.

"WEEEEEEEEEE I FEEL ALIVE!" yelled Kunzite.

"This is kind of fun," thought Jadeite.

When he reached the bottom of his rope, he expected to bounce back up. But instead the rope snapped and he fell into the lake.

"YOUCH!" he cried as he did a brutal belly flop.

"Oops I guess he didn't have it on right," laughed Kunzite as he bounced up and down.

* * *

After knocking out a whole season of Sailor Moon Crystal, Zoisite decided it was time to go check on Nephrite.

"Since he's chained up, there's no real danger in me going out there," he reasoned.

He walked out to the stake, and looked at the chain. There was no Nephrite on it.

"Oh no. Oh no. no no No No NO NO NONONO!"

Just then, Nephrite jumped out of the bush and started gnawing on him.

"WAAAAAAAAAA!" cried Zoisite.

"RRRRRRRRRRRRR BACK OFF!" yelled Nephrite. He started digging in the dirt and trying to bury Zoisite alive.

"GET OFF ME! I'M NOT A BONE!" cried Zoisite.

"RRRRRRRRRRR BACk OFF!" howled Nephrite, ignoring him.

He threw Zoisite in the hole and covered it up with dirt, using his feet. He pranced away, wagging his tail.

Zoisite was suffocating. "Is this how it ends?"

But luckily another dog came by and unburied Zoisite.

Zoisite looked at the dog. It didn't collar.

"D'awww, you must be a stray! I will adopt you!" decided Zoisite. "I shall call you Nega-Fifi."

But then Nephrite came charging back.

"ANOTHER DOG!" howled Nephrite. "RRR RR RRR R BACK OFF!"

He took the small dog in his mouth and galloped away.

Zoisite started crying. "I WILL RUIN YOU NEPHRITE!"

Nephrite turned around and looked over his shoulder.

Zoisite put his hands up in surrender and Nephrite decided to let him live.

* * *

"Now I am going for my weekly visit to my psychiatrist," Kunzite told Jadeite.

Jadeite was still wounded from the skate park and bungee incidents. "Ok," he coughed.

"Hello Grandpa," said Kunzite to his psychiatrist.

"Hello son," said Grandpa. "How are we this week?"

"Your psychiatrist is Grandpa!?" Jadeite gasped.

"Yes, but he's not that Rei girl's Grandpa that we always have problems with. This is a different Grandpa, see his wig? Wait a minute, his wig?!"

Grandpa ripped off his wig and charged Kunzite. Kunzite was not expecting an attack so he was easily defeated.

As he passed out, he choked out to Jadeite, "Remember your training! You can beat him!"

Jadeite remembered his training. He thought of the Donkey Kong, the skate park, the bungee jump… And as he remembered all of what he learned, he realized there was only one thing to do.

He pulled out a dog whistle and blew it.

"Nice try," said Grandpa. "But that won't work on me! Not anymore!"

"It's not meant for you!" scoffed Jadeite.

Nephrite came bounding in on all fours and charged Grandpa.

"Sick em', boy!" yelled Jadeite.

Nephrite disposed of Grandpa and brought his brutally bashed corpse to Jadeite as a gift.

"Good boy!" exclaimed Jadeite, scratching Nephrite behind his ears. "Have a Nephy snack!"

FIN


	88. Jadeite Gets Bullied At The Playground

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Back off!" yelled Beryl.

"No, listen, I put a lot of research into this one!"

"Back off!" repeated Beryl. "I'm trying to get my beauty sleep!"

"But you're in a chair, my queen!"

"BACK OFF!"

Jadeite fled for his life.

* * *

Nephrite and Zoisite decided to take Jadeite to the park to help him feel better.

"I think we're going soft," said Zoisite.

"Nah, we're doing the right thing," replied Nephrite.

Jadeite was playing in the sandbox.

"WEEE!" he yelled.

"Should we give him a shovel?" asked Zoisite.

"Nah he seems to have it under control," said Nephrite. He sat down on a swing but didn't swing.

Jadeite brushed aside some loose sand, revealing Grandpa's head.

"I FEEL EVIL!" yelled Grandpa.

"Huh?" exclaimed Jadeite.

Suddenly Grandpa's arm reached out through the sand and grabbed Jadeite by the throat. He leaped out from his hiding spot in the sand, with Jadeite held above his head. He threw Jadeite to the ground and then did a devastating pile driver.

"I FEEL EVIL!" yelled Grandpa.

"Grandpa!" yelled Nephrite.

Grandpa looked Nephrite in the eyes and threw Jadeite into a tree.

"Don't bully my… errr… coworker!" yelled Nephrite, charging.

Grandpa side-stepped, but Nephrite was flying with so fast and with such fury that he couldn't stop. He crashed into a baby swing on the opposite side of the park, and was catapulted straight back at Grandpa.

Grandpa extended his fist and Nephrite collided with it. He then began pummeling Nephrite until he was just a brutally bashed corpse.

Then, Grandpa started pounding his chest and howling like a gorilla. "I AM THE ALPHA MALE!"

Zoisite made a break for it.

But Grandpa was faster.

He teleported in front of Zoisite, and Zoisite fell on his butt.

"Please don't hurt me!" cried Zoisite.

"I won't hurt you!" said Grandpa. "Just like you wouldn't take my rainbow crystal!"

"But-" began Zoisite.

Grandpa headbutted Zoisite, and he fell over in pain. Granpda kicked him like a soccer ball into a nearby goal, winning the game for a team of youths.

Grandpa did a victory taunt and then ran away.

* * *

Zoisite stumbled into his house in a body cast.

"Zoisite!" cried Kunzite, rushing over to him. "Did you run into the Moon Wand again?"

"No… it was…"

"WHO?!" cried Kunzite. "I must avenge your beatdown!"

"Grand…pa…." he got out before passing out.

"Grandpa!" screamed Kunzite, clenching his fist.

* * *

The next day…

Kunzite arrived at the playground.

He waited by the sandbox. Behind him were all the wounded Shitennou. Nephrite was in a wheelchair. Jadeite was on crutches. And Zoisite remained in a body cast.

"I know you're in there, Granpda," stated Kunzite, glaring into the sandbox.

"He's over there!" cried Jadeite. "Go get em', Kunzite!"

Kunzite turned to see Grandpa in the kiddie swing.

"Hello kind young man," said Grandpa. "Mind helping me out of this thing?"

"Don't play innocent with me, you old geyser!" warned Kunzite.

"OOoooOOOOHHH!" mocked Grandpa. "Oooooh, scary!"

"I'm warning you! I know you beat up my Shitennou!" Kunzite shouted.

"I did no such thing," said Grandpa.

"Lying old coot!" shouted Kunzite.

Grandpa would take this disrespect no longer. He bounded out of the kiddie swing and charged Kunzite.

Grandpa threw rapid jabs at the speed of light. Kunzite attempted to block them, but Grandpa teleported behind Kunzite.

"Behind you!" yelled the Shitennou.

Kunzite turned around, and all he saw was Grandpa charging up a punch. Next thing he knew, he was lying half unconscious against the swing-set.

"Ugh," he moaned in pain.

He stumbled up. "It's not over yet. This one's for Zoisite!" He charged up an energy blast and fired at Grandpa with all he had.

Grandpa absorbed it in his dark energy bubble and fired it back at ten times strength.

Kunzite was finished.

Then, Grandpa turned to the other Shitennou.

Nephrite tried to wheel away, and Jadeite hopped as fast as he could on his crutches.

Zoisite was a sitting duck.

"no no no No No NO NO NO!" yelled Zoisite.

Grandpa flew up and drop-kicked Zoisite's body cast.

He ran over and picked up Nephrite's wheel chair over his head, and smashed it into the ground.

"Help!" cried Nephrite. "This old man is bullying a handicap!"

Grandpa kicked him in the throat, silencing him.

Jadeite almost made it to the exit of the park.

But Grandpa flew over to him with lightning speed.

He took his crutches and threw them in a lake.

Jadeite fell over.

Grandpa did another pile driver and finished him off, just like last time.

"UHHHHHHFHHH!" yelled Jadeite.

Grandpa brushed the dirt off his shoulders and left. As he walked away, he yelled, "I FEEL EVIL!"

* * *

"QUEEN BERYL!" sobbed all the Shitennou.

"Oh my, what happened to you guys?" asked Beryl. "Zoisite, did you run into the Moon Wand again?"

"No Queen Beryl, it was worse! It was Rei's Grandpa!" exclaimed Zoisite.

"Grrrrrr," sneered Beryl. "I'll teach that walking tombstone what happens when he messes with the Negaverse!"

* * *

Beryl walked up the steps of the temple alone. The wounded Shitennou decided not to come this time, for they did not want another beatdown.

Queen Beryl knocked on the door.

"Hello?" answered Rei, opening the door. "Oh. Queen Beryl. What brings you to the Hikawa Shrine today?"

"I need to have a word with your Grandpa."

"Oh boy, GRANDPA!" shouted Rei. "What did you do now?!"

Grandpa came up to the door. He took his fighting stance.

"Grandpa, cut it out!" yelled Rei.

Grandpa reverted back to a standing position. "Ok, ok. What's the matter?" Grandpa asked.

"Don't play dumb!" yelled Beryl. "You attacked my dogs! I mean boys!"

"Yeah, I'm sorry," said Grandpa. "I just couldn't help myself."

"Grandpa," sighed Rei. "That's unacceptable. You should be ashamed."

"D'oh," said Grandpa. "Hey, listen. I feel really bad about what I did. Why don't you bring them over here so I can make it up to them?"

"I don't think they want to see you," Beryl told him. "They're pretty upset about what you did."

"I understand," said Grandpa. "But at the very least, I can show how sorry I am to you over a cup of tea. What do you say?"

"Alright," agreed Beryl reluctantly. "I guess, if you're genuinely sorry."

Grandpa escorted Beryl inside and they went into the kitchen.

"Ok," said Rei. "I'm proud of you for admitting you were wrong, Grandpa. Be good!" she said, leaving the room.

As soon as she closed the door, Grandpa turned to Beryl.

Beryl looked at the counter. "I guess I'll have two teaspoons of sugar, and one tablespoon of-"

Grandpa leapt over the table and kneed Beryl in the face. Beryl flew back and hit the wall.

"URRRRGHH!" cried Beryl. "I knew I couldn't teach an old dog new tricks!"

Beryl fired an eternal sleep attack, but Grandpa dodged and sucker-punched her. He then delivered several consecutive powerful blows, defeating Queen Beryl with minimal effort.

Beryl was barely able to teleport within an inch of her life.

* * *

"So how'd it go? Did you show him who's boss?" asked Jadeite.

Queen Beryl killed Jadeite in fury.

"What was that for?" asked Nephrite. "It's not his fault you lost."

Beryl killed Nephrite.

"Do you have any snarky retorts? Huh Zoisite?" barked Beryl.

"No ma'am!" cried Zoisite.

Beryl killed Zoisite.

"I will avenge-" began Kunzite.

Beryl killed Kunzite.

"That's it," decided Beryl. She went to Metalia's room.

"I need an army," she said.

"Ok," said Metalia. "Bring your Shitennou in, since they were the ones who commanded our old Moon Kingdom raid force."

"Uh oh," said Beryl.

Queen Metalia sighed. She revived the Shitennou.

"I will avenge Zoisite!" yelled Kunzite, not realizing he had already been killed and brought back.

He charged Beryl, and she had to kill him.

"BERYL!" yelled Metalia.

"He attacked me!" yelled Beryl defensively. "I had no other options!"

"You could have simply slapped him away, but you killed him. One more outburst like that and you're fin," warned Metalia.

"D'oh, okay," said Beryl.

Zoisite regained consciousness in that moment and spotted Kunzite's brutally bashed corpse. "WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM!? YOU MONSTER!"

He charged Beryl. Beryl tried to take Metalia's advice and slap him away, but it killed him instead.

"Ok that time was an accident!" promised Beryl.

Metalia let out another sigh, and revived Kunzite and Zoisite again.

"So here's the plan," said Beryl. "Remember that time we brainwashed all the people of Earth to attack the Moon Kingdom?"

* * *

Grandpa felt a strong change in atmospheric pressure. He looked out the window.

Before him was the entire Negaverse army, all the brainwashed fighters of Earth, the seven shadow warriors, and the silhouette of Metalia looming in the distance.

"Oh boy!" exclaimed Grandpa. "Finally some drama!"

They marched up the steps to the temple.

"Rei! Chad!" yelled Grandpa. "Take these!" He tossed a machine gun to each of them.

"I WAS BORN FOR THIS!" howled Grandpa.

He swung open the doors and dashed outside. He open-fired into the army of humans, taking them down by the dozens.

"This is wrong!" cried Rei. "They're just hypnotized! They're still regular humans!"

"Shoot them or you're grounded!" called Grandpa.

"Yes sir!" said Rei.

"I have no free will!" yelled Chad, open-firing as well.

Grandpa tossed Rei's crows some machine guns and they put them in their mouths and fired.

"Our armies are falling!" cried Beryl. "You guys are horrible generals!"

"It's not our fault!" yelled Jadeite. "They're just regular humans, they don't have powers!"

"Then why didn't you give them machine guns instead of swords and shields!?" howled Beryl.

"Well, due to budget cuts-"

"ENOUGH!" screamed Beryl. "Why didn't you guys at least get some good weapons?!"

Kunzite dropped his sword and shield in shock. "I wasn't ready to embrace change," he admitted.

Grandpa continued to fire, but he suddenly realized he was out of bullets. Everyone else was too.

"Chad, bring in a new box of ammo!"

"Uh oh," said Chad.

"Chad," began Grandpa. "What did you do with the ammo?"

"D'aww, I'm sorry Grandpa. I sold it all on EBay so I could have more money to invest in the band!"

Grandpa slugged Chad.

Then, he leapt into the army and started fighting them with his fists. He finished them all off.

All that was left of the army was the four Shitennou. They charged.

Grandpa whipped out the Moon Wand.

"Uh oh," said Zoisite.

Grandpa slapped Zoisite with the Moon Wand. He flew into a pillar and fell over.

"Now, for the rest of you!" yelled Grandpa. He released the energy of the Silver Crystal, and eliminated the Shitennou, Beryl, and Metalia all in one foul swoop.

Then he fell to the ground. "I… I don't think I'll make it," he told Rei.

"Did you use up all your energy when you released the Silver Crystal's power?" cried Rei.

"No, it's just my time. I've gotten too old. Goodbye."

Grandpa died.

He awoke in Hell.

He looked up to see Beryl, Metalia, and the Shitennou standing over him.

Grandpa charged and killed them all, thus sending them to Super Hell.

Satan saw Grandpa and knew what was coming. He tried to dodge, but Grandpa charged him as well.

"NOOOOOOO!" cried Satan as he was obliterated.

Super Satan knew what was coming, so he packed his bags and headed for Detroit.

FIN


	89. Nephy's Late For A Very Important Date

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Jadeite," Queen Beryl said slowly.

"Uh oh," said Jadeite.

"Jadeite, it's over for you, finally and forever. Say goodnight, because you're about to sleep eternally!"

"Queen Beryl!" whimpered Jadeite.

"Let me finish. You're about to sleep eternally… in this brand new bed I bought you!"

"OMG THX!" exclaimed Jadeite.

"Wait, you didn't let me finish. I bought you a new bed… so you could SLEEP FOREVER in it!"

"Gee thanks! I will cherish it forever as I spend many joyful nights in it!"

"No, I mean I will kill you and bury you in it. For the bed doubles as a coffin."

Jadeite made a mad dash for the door.

Queen Beryl took out a rifle and sniped him from behind.

His dead corpse slid across the floor as Nephrite entered the room.

"Aww nice, you finally got rid of that Jadeite guy," commended Nephrite.

"Nephrite why are you here?" asked Beryl.

"I wanted to tell you I'm calling in sick today," Nephrite explained.

"Huh? You don't look sick!"

"Why yes, however I am taking a sick day anyway."

"WHY?!" demanded Beryl.

"I have a date with my girlfriend, Molly!"

"Molly… that sounds like a human name," said Beryl.

"That's because she is a human, my queen," replied Nephrite.

"I forbid you to see her!" yelled Beryl.

"Well you'll have to catch me first!" screamed Nephrite, teleporting away.

Beryl went to stand up but couldn't do it. "I'll let it slide this time," she decided.

* * *

When Nephrite got home, he picked out a fancy outfit to wear. He looked at the clock.

"Oh boy, I still have a few hours before the date. I bet I can fit in a nap! I need one since I stayed up all night watching Dancing with the Stars."

He lied down in his full suit and dress shoes and went to bed.

* * *

He woke up to the sound of someone rustling in his fridge.

"Zoisite, what are you doing?" groaned Nephrite.

"Looking for some grub, what else?"

"Get out of my house," sighed Nephrite.

"Alright, alright," said Zoisite. He picked up the fridge and left.

"Ugh, what time is it?" asked Nephrite. He looked at the clock and his eyes flew out of their sockets.

"OH NO! I ONLY HAVE ONE HOUR TO GET TO MAWLY'S!"

He sat down and did some calculations. "It will take me 1…2…3…3 seconds to teleport over! But wait, that's not classy! I need to show up in a limo. I can teleport to the limo place, but then it will be a 20 minute drive to Molly's. That's okay, I'll still have 40 minutes to spare! I'm sure I won't run into any trouble!"

Nephrite opened his door and Grandpa ran up and slugged him.

"Grandpa, not now!" barked Nephrite. "I'm on my way to see my girlfriend!"

"Oh boy, let's make it a double date!" said Gramps.

"Who's your date?" asked Nephrite.

"Allow me to introduce you to my wife, Tiffany!"

Nephrite turned to see Chad in a girl wig.

"Please help," said Chad.

"Sorry Chad," said Nephrite. "I don't have time for this."

He teleported away.

"Quick, he left his door open!" exclaimed Grandpa. "Let's steal his fridge!"

But when they got inside it was gone.

"Aww tartar sauce," said Grandpa. "Now I have to eat buttered bread."

* * *

Nephrite appeared at the limo place. He walked up to front desk.

"Hi, I would like one limo pls."

"Sorry sir, this isn't the rental line. This is the return line."

"Oh, then where's the rental line?" Nephrite asked.

"It starts over there in Hong Kong," said the rental guy.

Nephrite's jaw dropped to the floor when he saw the line spanning all the way to Hong Kong from Japan.

"What do I do!? I don't have time for this!" cried Nephrite. "I know, I'll steal one!"

He hopped in a limo. "Now how do I hotwire?" he wondered.

"Hey, get outta there!" yelled an employee.

"Oh wait I have magic," remembered Nephrite.

He magically hotwired the limo and took off.

He sat back in his seat. "I still have tons of time!"

He turned on the radio and began singing aloud. "Search for your love! Bla bla bla bla bla bla! Search for your love!"

Suddenly, his limo went over a bump and there was a sound like tires piercing.

"Huh?" he asked. He looked in his rearview mirror and saw a brigade of cops after him.

"Uh oh!" he exclaimed.

A wild cop car sped in front of him and crashed into his limo. It spun out of control and hit a wall.

Nephrite was mad.

He got out of the limo.

"Sir, did you steal this limo?" asked a cop.

"No," said Nephrite.

"I don't believe you," said the cop. "I'm going to need you to lean against the vehicle and put your hands behind your back."

They handcuffed Nephrite and started searching his limo.

"Hey wait a second," remembered Nephrite.

He busted out of the handcuffs with his brute strength and slugged a cop.

They open-fired on him but he swatted the bullets away with ease.

"WHAT ARE YOU?!" cried a cop.

"I'M YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE!" barked Nephrite.

He shot out a wave of energy, knocking over all the cops. He then proceeded to slaughter them one by one, taking up another ten minutes.

"Screw the limo," he decided when he was done. "I'll just pick her up in a police car."

He went back to driving down the highway.

"Hey, can you stop at that McBeryl's? I haven't eaten all day."

Nephrite turned to see Zoisite in the shotgun.

"Zoisite, you took my fridge!" Nephrite barked. "And also get out!"

"That was this morning."

"No it wasn't," said Nephrite.

"Alright, ya got me," said Zoisite. "It was 40 minutes ago."

"Wait, I only have 20 minutes to get to Molly?!" gasped Nephrite.

"Is that that human girl? I don't think Beryl likes her very much."

"Rrrr back off!" yelled Nephrite.

"Hey, don't be so hostile. Beryl asked me where you lived earlier and I said I didn't know. So you owe me one. Now stop at McBeryl's and get me a Quarter Pounder Double Deluxe with no mayo."

Nephrite sighed and pulled off at the next exit and into the McBeryl's drive-through.

He pulled up to the speaker. "One Quarter Pounder Deluxe with no mayo," said Nephrite.

"Wait just a darn second!" interrupted Zoisite. "I clearly said Quarter Pounder DOUBLE Deluxe, with EXTRA mayo."

"No you didn't," said Nephrite.

"Well I changed my mind!" yelled Zoisite.

"Alright," barked Nephrite. "I'll take a Quarter Pounder DOUBLE-"

"Wait make that a triple," said Zoisite.

"I'll take a Quarter Pounder TRIPLE Deluxe-"

"Actually can I just have a single with no pickles?" asked Zoisite.

Nephrite started foaming at the mouth. He finally calmed down. "I'll have a Quarter Pounder Single with no pickles."

"And no mustard!" Zoisite hollered.

"Oh and also no mustard," said Nephrite.

"And no ketchup!" added Zoisite.

"And no ketchup," repeated Nephrite.

"Actually," said Zoisite. "I think I do want some ketchup. But I want packets too. So to rephrase; I want ketchup on the burger, as well as 3 extra ketchup packets."

Nephrite let a groan.

"Actually," said Zoisite. "I'll take a McChicken instead."

Nephrite punched the window.

"Woah, take it easy there!" said Zoisite.

"Alright," said Nephrite finally. "I'll take a McChicken and a small fry."

"I don't want a small fry!" exclaimed Zoisite.

"WELL I DO!" barked Nephrite.

He pulled up to the window.

He paid and they gave him his order. He passed Zoisite the McChicken. Zoisite took a nibble.

"Wait a second," remembered Zoisite, tossing the McChicken out the window. "I don't even like chicken. Nephrite, my dear, can you go through and get me that Quarter Pounder after all?"

"Now wait just a minute!" barked Nephrite. "I don't owe you anything! Beryl already knows where I live!"

"Alright, ya got me," said Zoisite.

Nephrite threw Zoisite out the window and drove away. But first, he drove back and drove through a puddle, splashing Zoisite.

"I will ruin you Nephrite!" yelled Zoisite as he drove away.

* * *

Nephrite checked his watch. "That didn't take that long…" reasoned Nephrite. "I still have 13 minutes!"

Suddenly a hitchhiker jumped in front of his car, and Nephrite was forced to stop.

"Wait a second," said Nephrite. "Why did I stop?!"

Melvin leaped inside the passenger side. "Hidy ho!" said Melvin. "I need a lift!"

"Screw off!" barked Nephrite. "I'm on my way to Molly's!"

"Same!" exclaimed Melvin. "I'm going there to ask Molly out for a date!"

"Are you?" sneered Nephrite with gritted teeth. "Hey, since I'm going there anyway, let me take you there!"

Nephrite sped past Molly's house.

"Ummm, Maxfield?" said Melvin. "I think you passed her house."

Nephrite didn't respond.

"Maxfield, I think you made a few wrongs turns!" exclaimed Melvin.

Nephrite drove all the way out to the middle of the desert.

"Maxfield," sighed Melvin. "Everyone knows Molly lives in Tokyo, not the desert! Silly boy!"

Nephrite kicked Melvin out of the car and drove away.

By the time he got back to Tokyo he looked at his watch again. "Ok, it only took me ten minutes to ditch Melvin! I still have three to get to her house!"

He was about to turn back on the radio, when he heard a loud banging in the back of his car.

"What is it this time?!" he demanded.

It was so loud he had to pull over.

"Is there some sort of animal in here?" he wondered, opening the trunk.

When he opened it, he found a tied up and blindfolded Jadeite.

Nephrite pulled off the duct tape covering his mouth.

"Why are you in the trunk of this police car?" barked Nephrite.

"Honestly, I don't know," said Jadeite slowly. "Where am I, anyway?! Who's talking to me?!"

"What?" asked Nephrite.

Jadeite leapt up and started throwing kicks. He kicked Nephrite in the jaw.

"OUCH!" screamed Nephrite.

He picked up Jadeite and split him in two.

"WHYYYY?!" yelled Jadeite.

Nephrite got back in his car and drove away.

Jadeite took off the blindfold. "What just happened? Was I imagining things? Wait, where are my legs?"

* * *

"One more minute!" cried Nephrite. He started going at the speed of 180 mph, running all the cars off the road. "I WON'T BE LATE!" he screamed.

He leapt out of the moving car in front of Molly's house and it drove off and crashed into another car.

Nephrite jogged up to Molly's door. He quickly took a breath mint and knocked.

Molly's mother answered.

"Oh no," said Nephrite.

"Maxfield," she said in an angry tone. "What did I say about you coming here?"

"Where's Molly?" asked Nephrite.

"You just missed her. She left with that nice young stud Melvin a couple of minutes ago. She said you were an hour late so she was tired of waiting."

"WHAT!?" hollered Nephrite. "HOW DID MELVIN GET BACK FROM THE DESERT!?"

"Huh?" asked Molly's mom.

"I mean, how was I an hour late?! I made it just on time!"

"Ha!" scoffed Molly's mom. "You must have forgotten to switch over to Daylight Savings time last night!"

"What's that?" asked Nephrite in shock. "We don't have anything like that in the Negaverse!"

"The Nega-what?" asked Molly's mom.

Nephrite took out a sword and chopped her head off.

"She knew too much!" he yelled.

"Now, to kill Melvin!" he decided, and teleported off into the sunset.

FIN


	90. Jadeite Gets Fired

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Good. Go get em' champ! But this is your last chance. If you fail, you're finished."

"Alrighty, Beryl!" said Jadeite. "I won't let ya' down!"

* * *

"I'll have a strawberry cone with sprinkles," said Jadeite.

"Sorry sir, we're out of strawberry soft serve."

"D'oh!" cried Jadeite. "I guess I'll just have vanilla chocolate swirl. With sprinkles."

"Coming right up!"

They handed Jadeite his ice cream. He sat down at a table by himself and began eating it.

"Meh, I'll get energy tomorrow. I'm sure Beryl was just bluffing."

* * *

The next day…

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

He looked around.

"Hey, what are all these boxes?"

"Jadeite, those are your things."

"I don't have any things," replied Jadeite in confusion. He opened one of the boxes and saw garbage. "Huh?"

"You're fired, Jadeite."

"But Beryl! I'm too young to die!" cried Jadeite. "There's so many things I haven't done yet! Such as getting energy!"

"Since you got zero energy, Jadeite, I don't have any energy to kill you. Therefore, I'm going to have to let you go," explained Beryl.

"Wait, so I'm gonna have to find a new job!?" cried Jadeite. "Please, Beryl, just kill me!"

"If you wanted to die then you should have gotten some energy. Now be gone with you!"

Jadeite sadly picked up his boxes of garbage that Beryl gave him and headed for the door. On the way out, he passed the other Shitennou.

He stopped to say his goodbyes.

"I guess this is goodbye guys," he said sadly.

"Cya," said Zoisite.

"After all this time, that's all you have to say?!" cried Jadeite in disbelief.

"Cya," repeated Zoisite.

Jadeite moped past him.

"Hey Jadeite," said Nephrite.

"Yes?" asked Jadeite perking up.

"Can I have your room?"

"I never had a room," replied Jadeite frowning.

"Oh. Then goodbye."

Jadeite moped past him as well.

"Kunzite, you were always my favorite," said Jadeite.

"Who are you?" asked Kunzite.

Jadeite, since he was fired anyway, threw a wild punch.

It had no effect.

He left sadly.

* * *

"Prince Diamond!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new crystal point!"

"Lovely," said Prince Diamond. "You're a valued member of the team. Take over the point at once," he commanded.

"Yes sir!" said Jadeite.

Jadeite headed out the door. "Looks like I got back on my feet pretty quickly after all," he thought to himself.

"Jadeite," said a mysterious voice from behind.

"Wiseman me boy!" said Jadeite happily. "Have any good advice for me today?"

"Yes," said Wiseman. "Follow me to my office."

"Ok!" said Jadeite.

Wiseman closed the door and locked it.

"Ummm….?" asked Jadeite.

"Jadeite, you don't fit into my master plan," said Wiseman.

"What master plan?"

"The one to make the Doom Phantom rise," replied Wiseman.

"Wait a second," realized Jadeite. "I'm telling Diamond!"

Jadeite made a run for the door.

Wiseman tried to shoot a beam at him but he was too fast.

"DIAMOND!" cried Jadeite running into Diamond's throne room. "Wiseman is evil!"

"Hahahaha," laughed Prince Diamond. "As if. Wiseman? Evil? LOL!"

"No Prince Diamond I'm serious!" cried Jadeite. "He's trying to raise the Doom Phantom!"

"Everyone knows the Doom Phantom is just a myth," laughed Diamond. "Now where is that crystal point?"

"Umm… I didn't overtake it yet, per se… but that's because I had to tell you about Wiseman! He's going to overthrow you!"

"Quit making things up and quit slacking off!" barked Prince Diamond.

"Yes my queen!" replied Jadeite.

"What was that?!" shouted Diamond.

"Nothing, force of habit!" exclaimed Jadeite.

"Better have been! Now get lost!"

Jadeite left Prince Diamond's room and cautiously tiptoed through the hall.

"Jadeite," said a voice.

Jadeite gasped. He knew his story was over. But he didn't want to go down without a fight.

He spun around and threw many blows. When the smoke cleared, he saw Emerald standing there unscathed.

"Phew, it was just you!" said Jadeite in relief. "I thought you were Wiseman trying to kill me."

"No, I'm Emerald trying to kill you."

"D'oh!" said Jadeite.

Emerald pulled out a gun and was about to shoot when Wiseman appeared and killed Emerald.

"Gee thanks!" said Jadeite. "You saved me!"

"Now to DIE!" yelled Wiseman.

"Oooowaaaa! How does Diamond let this go on!?"

Jadeite teleported away within an inch of his life. He called Wiseman on his cellphone when he was a safe distance away.

"Sorry, but I'm going to have to resign. Good luck with your master plan, I'm sure it'll all work out."

Wiseman threw a punch through the phone, so Jadeite had to quickly close it.

* * *

"Hello girls, I'm Jadeite," said Jadeite.

The Witches 5 all glared at him.

"We don't want you here, go away!" they yelled.

"Sorry but Dr. Tomoe said I could work here! I'm sure you'll all come to love me!" Jadeite said with a kind smile.

They all left the room, leaving him to scheme.

"Ok, I just have to find one of these pure heart crystal thingy kabobbers. How hard could that be? There's only 7 billion people on Earth, giving me a 3 out of 7 billion chance! eZ!"

He appeared at his target and pulled out his heart crystal extracting slingshot.

"Here I go!"

He fired at Hotaru, because out of all the people in the world, he happened to pick the Messiah of Silence.

She turned around, and for a second, almost looked scared. But then her eyes lit up red and she grinned a Satan-like grin.

Jadeite's shot had no effect on her. She picked up Jadeite by the throat and threw him so far that he flew all the way around the world and crashed in through Usagi's window.

"Jadeite?!" gasped Usagi. "Queen Beryl told me she fired you! What are you doing here?"

"Wait what?" asked Jadeite. "Is Beryl spreading rumors?"

"Doesn't look like a rumor," replied Ami.

"Shut up Ami," said Jadeite. "Anyway, I found another job. Now surrender your pure heart crystals!"

"Yeah… no," said Usagi. Her and the other four scouts transformed right in front of Jadeite.

"Wait, there's five of them now?!" gasped Jadeite in shock. "No matter! I know their identities now!"

"Do you know our identities?" asked Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto, appearing.

"THERE'S EIGHT OF THEM!?"

"And me!" said Chibi-usa.

"You don't count," said Jadeite.

Mamoru flew in. "Don't forget me!"

"Now there's someone I can take!" exclaimed Jadeite. He charged Mamoru. He circled around him and they both flew in a circle. Then Jadeite tackled Mamoru and he was no more.

"Now for the rest of you!" said Jadeite. He took out his slingshot, but Uranus threw a World Shaking, knocking it out of his hand.

"Uh oh," said Jadeite. "They must have been lifting since I last tried to fight the first three!"

He teleported back to the Witches 5 lab.

"That was bad," said Jadeite. "I'll try again tomorrow."

He went to get his phone from his locker. "UWAAAA!" he screamed.

His locker was full of snails.

He was about to throw them in the trash bin, when Melvin appeared.

"Hidy ho! I'm an ambassador from the snail watching club. I'll be taking those!"

Jadeite let him take the snails and leave.

"Anyway…" said Jadeite disturbed. He went to put on his shoes.

"YEEEEOUCH!" he cried. He kicked his shoe off and shook it. Out popped a poison-tipped sword.

"THEY PUT A SWORD IN MY SHOE!?" he cried in disbelief. "Talk about bad coworkers!" He shook the shoe again to see if there was anything else in there.

A bomb came out.

"Uh oh," said Jadeite.

He tried to run but the explosion caught up and took him out.

When he awoke a few hours later, he decided he was too weak to teleport home. He settled for riding his trike.

He started peddling down the street, but he reached an intersection and the light turned red.

He pressed down on the handle bar to slow down his trike, but it had no effect.

"Uh oh," said Jadeite. Unable to stop, he sped into the intersection at 40 mph and got hit by a bus.

The next day, Dr. Tomoe walked into his lab to find Jadeite's resignation notice.

"Aww shucks," said Tomoe. "That one really had potential."

* * *

Jadeite appeared at his next job interview.

"Are you sure this isn't just a circus?" asked Jadeite.

"Nope," said Zirconia. "This is a full-on evil organization."

"But you're also a circus?" Jadeite asked.

"Yes. You must perform nightly in our circus, as well as work all day to get dream mirrors. It's a very challenging career path, and we only take those who are highly qualified."

"I think I can handle it!" said Jadeite enthusiastically.

"What kind of circus tricks can you do?" asked Zirconia.

"Do card tricks counts?"

"No."

"Well uh oh," said Jadeite.

* * *

Jadeite took a seat at the Amazon Trio bar.

"Where's the bartender?" he asked.

"He comes and goes," said Tiger's Eye.

"Oh. Well when he comes back, can I have a whole milk?"

The Amazon Trio laughed at him.

"Anyway," said Hawk's Eye, "Let's get down to business."

"Oh boy!" said Jadeite, rubbing his hands together.

"This is the target Zirconia gave us," said Hawk's Eye.

"Yuck!" cried Tiger's Eye. "An old lady!"

"Yuck!" cried Fisheye. "A lady!"

"Yeah I'm not doing this one either," said Hawk's Eye.

All three of them turned to Jadeite.

Jadeite gulped.

* * *

"Hey… good lookin'!" said Jadeite to the hundred-year-old woman.

He was wearing an overcoat and shades.

"Get away from me, stranger!" cried the lady. She started beating him with her cane.

"YOUCH!" he yelled. "Have some manners! If you stop beating me up… I'll take you out to dinner!" he offered.

She clubbed him harder.

"Why is this step even necessary!?" cried Jadeite. "That's it, I'm taking her mirror."

"3!" he yelled. Nothing happened. "2…?" Nothing happened. "1…!?" Still, nothing happened.

"Crap, was that the wrong order?" asked Jadeite.

By that time, the cops had shown up.

"Sir, I'm going to need you to stop harassing this old lady," said the cop.

"Yes ma'am," said Jadeite. He moped back to the bar. When he got there, there was no whole milk waiting for him.

"Dawgonit," he said, taking the hint.

* * *

The Amazon Quartet sat in the hot tub.

"Room for one more?" asked Jadeite.

"No, back off!" yelled the quartet.

"But didn't you hear? Zirconia reassigned me to your group! I am one of you now!"

"You? One of us?! HA!" laughed Ceres Ceres.

Jadeite sat down sadly on a stool by the hot tub.

"Get out of our spa, old man!" said Palla Palla.

"I'm not old!" yelled Jadeite. "I'm only 1018! I'm still hip! I'm still fresh! I'll still spunky!"

"Oh. My. God. No one says spunky anymore! No one has ever said it!" screamed Jun Jun.

"D'oh!" said Jadeite. "Then can we at least discuss our next target?"

"If you want to talk to us, you can message us on our Instagram."

"I only have iOS 3 on my iPod nano," replied Jadeite. "It won't let me download Instagram, even after I jailbroke it!"

"Get out of our sight," said the Quartet.

"D'aww okay," said Jadeite.

* * *

"Galaxia-sama!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of star seed holder!"

"Is it the true star seed holder?" asked Galaxia.

"I'm not sure yet, but I'll know soon!" said Jadeite.

Galaxia scowled. "When is 'soon?'"

"When I get the time, obviously," said Jadeite.

Galaxia swatted him across the room. "How dare you disrespect me, peasant boy!" she yelled.

"Oh boy!" exclaimed Jadeite, holding his face where she swatted him. "I feel at home already! Time to get that star seed!"

Jadeite was determined to succeed at this job.

He took to the streets immediately and didn't even stop for ice cream.

"Who's star seed should I take?" he wondered. He looked at a huge billboard of the Three Lights for inspiration.

"Hmm," said Jadeite. He turned on the radio hoping some song would give him an idea.

"Search for your love!" sang the radio.

"Man, is this always on?" complained Jadeite. He turned off the radio on his iPod nano.

"Hmmm," said Jadeite again. "I wish an idea would hit me already!"

Suddenly he got slugged in the face.

"Whoops!" laughed Yaten. "I thought you were a girl trying to flirt with me. My bad!"

The Three Lights passed him and left.

"Man, I thought I had an idea for a second there, but I guess not," sighed Jadeite.

He sat down on a bench to think critically.

"So far, from what I know of star things, it's clear that they come from the Sailor Scout of each planet. Thus, any of Sailor Moon's friends would have a true star seed. But I couldn't even fight them back in season 1! And they've gone through about half a dozen power-ups since then."

Jadeite was about to give up hope. "If only there was a friend of Sailor Moon who hadn't improved at all since the first season!"

* * *

Jadeite knocked on the window of Mamoru Chiba's jet plane.

Mamoru opened the window, despite safety regulations.

"What do you want, Jadeite?" groaned Mamoru. "The writers told me I had to go to America for some reason, so I'm busy!"

"I'm here to take your star seed," said Jadeite.

"Back off!" yelled Mamoru, throwing his bag of peanuts at Jadeite.

Jadeite fell off the wing of the plane and hit the ground with a thud.

"NOOO!" cried Jadeite. "Now I'll never be able to catch up!"

He started to cry.

"Wait a minute, I can control planes!"

He froze Mamoru's plane in the air and climbed back on.

Mamoru jumped on top of the plane. "Alright, Jadeite, let's finish that fateful duel from long ago!"

They both flew up in the air. Jadeite shot lightning at Mamoru, so Mamoru leapt higher in the air. Jadeite leapt higher as well. They both circled each other, as lightning flashed in the background.

In a single frame of animation, Jadeite tackled Mamoru.

Mamoru plunged into the ocean that was for some reason next to the plane that was 5,000 feet in the air.

Jadeite dived into the water after him. "I'm glad I went after Mamoru, the only person I could take!"

He looked around. "Now where did his body go?"

A rose floated to the top of the ocean, but Mamoru's body was nowhere to be found.

"Uh oh," said Jadeite. "How did I lose the corpse!? Galaxia's not gonna be too happy!"

* * *

"Galaxia-sama!" began Jadeite, entering her throne room.

Galaxia removed Jadeite's gauntlets. "I'm sorry Jadeite but I'm going to have to let you go."

"I understand," said Jadeite as he faded from existence.

FIN


	91. The Shitennou Go To Australia

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Jadeite, listen. You've been over-exerting yourself lately, as have the others."

"D'awww, I really thought I wasn't going to die today," Jadeite said sadly.

"No Jadeite, I'm sending you guys on a forced work vacation!" Beryl explained.

"AWWWWW YEAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" exclaimed Jadeite. He started doing a ridiculous dance and looking like a fool. "I haven't been on a vacation since the Silver Millennium!"

"Pack your things, Jeddy, and tell the others to as well. Your flight leaves in five minutes."

"But Beryl! I haven't even had time to do my laundry! I only have one clean outfit, and it's not the one I'm wearing!"

"Then you better run!" suggested Beryl, chuckling.

"UWAA!" cried Jadeite, running off to gather his things.

He came back ten seconds later. "So where are we going?"

"It's a surprise," said Beryl.

"Ok… but should I bring a coat or a bathing suit?"

"It's a surprise," said Beryl.

"I'll just bring both," decided Jadeite.

The plane arrived.

Jadeite hopped aboard.

"Jadeite, where are the other three?" demanded Beryl.

"Shit, I forgot to tell them! I was too busy picking out outfits for all possible weather conditions!"

Beryl teleported the other three in.

"AAARRRGH!" cried Nephrite. He had been drinking alcohol in his underpants on his couch. "Haven't you heard of knocking?"

Zoisite was laying on the floor of Beryl's throne room sound asleep since she had teleported him in at 4 am.

Kunzite had been on the toilet so he subsequently fell to the ground upon being warped in.

"What the hell, Beryl!?" he demanded.

"Huh?" asked Zoisite stirring in his sleep. "Did you find out how to put the rainbow crystals together yet?"

"You're all going on vacation!" barked Beryl. She kicked them into the plane as one would kick a dog into a cage to take them to the vet.

The plane took off.

"WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" yelled Jadeite. "I LOVE PLANES!"

"Do you now?" asked Nephrite, remembering that time Jed got ran over.

"YA YA YA!" replied Jadeite.

"So what are we going to do until we arrive?" asked Kunzite.

"I'm going back to sleep," said Zoisite.

"I'm going back to drinking," said Nephrite.

"Ok Nephy and Kunzy, it's just us three!" said Jadeite after Zoisite passed out.

"Watch it," said Kunzite.

"Let's all take turns talking about our new sources of energy!" suggested Jadeite. "I'll go first! The humans have this thing called-"

* * *

"I can't believe he talked about his new source of energy for 48 hours," groaned Kunzite as he jumped off the plane.

"Where are we?" asked Nephrite.

Zoisite finally woke up after 48 hours. "I feel well rested."

"Oh shit, I forgot to sleep," remembered Jadeite. "Talking about energy really drained my energy! Let's go to the hotel so I can get some rest."

"HEY GUYS! WELCOME TO AUSTRALIA!" yelled a tour guide, approaching.

"Hey, I know you," exclaimed Zoisite. "You're that arcade guy's girlfriend! I took your rainbow crystal!"

Reika threw a wild punch at Zoisite.

Zoisite side-stepped.

Reika toppled over. She stood up and wiped off her clothes. "Anyway, your boss said I'm supposed to give you guys a tour as part of the forced work vacation! So follow meeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

* * *

After a long tour of Sydney, they reached the edge of the city.

"Ok, we must turn back now," explained Reika.

"Why?" asked Nephrite.

"Because, do you see that line right there? That line separates civilized Australia from the outback."

"Why can't we see the outback?" Jadeite asked.

Reika gasped. "You don't want to know. Those who go into the outback never come back. That's our national slogan."

"What is this, Australian rules?" demanded Nephrite.

"Yes," said Reika.

"Darnit."

"Ok, so let's head back!" Reika repeated. She went on ahead.

They waited until she was long gone.

"Ok guys, I'm gonna do it!" decided Jadeite. "I'm gonna step over the line!"

"I don't know about that," said Kunzite. "Maybe we should heed her warning and turn back."

"Don't be such a stick in the mud!" said Jadeite. "When I get home, I want to tell my family all about this trip! Including how I set foot in the outback!"

"What family?" asked Zoisite.

"You guys! And Beryl!" said Jadeite.

"All we want is for you to be safe," said Nephrite, half sarcastically.

"It's okay, family, I'm one tough cookie!"

With that, Jadeite took a deep breath and stepped over the line.

"Look, I'm in the outback! Someone take my picture!"

"We didn't have time to pack a camera," said Zoisite.

"Oh. Well take a picture with your memories," Jadeite told them.

But they didn't have time to.

At lightning speed, a wild kangaroo appeared and kicked Jadeite in the head, knocking him off his feet.

He tried to fight back, and he almost landed a punch, but it turned out to be futile.

The kangaroo threw its Joey at him as projectile. He barely dodged.

The kangaroo used the diversion to grab Jadeite and throw him into its pouch. The kangaroo hopped away, taking Jadeite with it.

"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!" cried Jadeite.

Jadeite was never seen again.

"Oh no!" cried Nephrite. "We have to help him!"

"I don't know about that," said Kunzite.

"No, I think you should let him go," said Zoisite, nudging Kunzite.

"Oh yeah," remembered Kunzite. "Go for it!"

Nephrite took a step into the outback.

A horde of dingos appeared and hauled Nephrite away.

Zoisite started laughing. "Looks like our problem is solved!"

"Yeah," said Kunzite. "Now let's go back to the hotel!"

Zoisite started to turn around, but then he stopped. "Oh shit. I still have to steal Nephrite's black crystal."

"Don't do it," warned Kunzite. "We can make another one!"

"Don't be ridiculous," scoffed Zoisite. "That was the only one."

"STOP!" cried Kunzite. But it was too late.

Zoisite took a step into the outback.

"See?" said Zoisite. "Nothing bad happened. Jadeite and Nephrite were just fools. I, on the other hand, came prepared!"

10 cannibals spawned at that moment, surrounding Zoisite.

Zoisite started running in circles, and the cannibals clubbed him on the head.

They hogtied him to a stick and carried him away.

"NOOOO!" yelled Kunzite. "Bring him back!"

Kunzite ran into the outback.

"I'll just follow the cannibals' footprints, and then-"

Suddenly two large pillar formed on each side of Kunzite.

"What are these?" he wondered.

They were pink, and almost flesh like.

"What are these white pointy things?" Kunzite asked curiously.

Just then, the croc's jaw snapped shut. Kunzite was devoured.

* * *

Queen Beryl sat in her throne. "I hope the Shitennou aren't dead. I'll have no one to paint my fingernails!"

She paced around the room, awaiting their return. "Their plane should be here by now…"

She started pacing faster. Sweat started to roll down her face. "They'll be fine! It's not like there's any Sailor Scouts in Australia! As long as they didn't step into the outback, there's nothing that could have gone wrong! And they would never step into the outback. No one's that dumb!"

Finally she called Reika on the phone.

"Have you seen my babies?!" Beryl cried. "I mean… my slaves?"

"No, I haven't seen them since the edge of the outback."

"Oh no." said Beryl, dropping the phone.

Just when she was about to give up all hope, Kunzite, Zoisite, and Nephrite teleported in.

"YOU'rE ALIVE!" she cried with glee. Suddenly she stopped and then threw herself on the throne.

"Oh. Look. You're back," she said dryly. "Not that I care either way."

"It was riveting story!" exclaimed Nephrite.

"I don't want to hear it," said Beryl. "As long as you didn't step into the outback, I don't-"

"That's just it!" said Kunzite.

Beryl gasped. "You're meaning to say that you stepped into the outback… and survived?!"

"Yes, it was a riveting tale!" repeated Nephrite.

"Where's Jadeite?" Beryl asked, trying to look indifferent.

All three Shitennou looked down sadly.

"Unfortunately, we couldn't find him," said Nephrite. "He's one with the kangaroos now."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Beryl. She threw herself on the floor and started punching the ground. "NOT THE KANGAROOS! NOT AGAIN!?"

The Shitennou stared at her in dismay.

She hopped back on her throne and looked away. "I don't care," said Beryl sniffling. "I never loved him anyway."

Tears formed in her eyes. "BE GONE! ALL OF YOU!"

They left her room with their heads down.

* * *

Ten years later…

Jadeite hopped into Beryl's throne room with a Joey in his pouch.

"J-J-Ja-Jadeite?!" stammered Beryl. "I thought… I thought you were dead!"

"I've never been more alive, my queen," said Jadeite. "I want you to meet my family. This is my Joey, Joey. And this is my wife, Kangaraa. I have become one of the kangaroos."

Queen Beryl started crying tears of joy.

Nephrite, Zoisite, and Kunzite walked into the room.

"Oh hey Jed," they all said.

"So anyway Beryl," said Nephrite. "I found a new source of energy or whatever…"

"NO!" cried Jadeite. "It's all wrong! This is all wrong!"

"Huh?" asked Nephrite.

Jadeite threw a wild punch.

Nephrite laughed. He knew Jadeite was no match for him.

But before he could even take a swing at Jadeite, Joey jumped out of Jed's pouch and threw himself onto Nephrite's face.

"Youch!" yelled Nephrite.

Joey wrapped around Nephrite's neck and cut off his air supply until he passed out.

"Nice work, Joey," said Zoisite.

Jadeite drop-kicked Zoisite.

"Hey!" yelled Kunzite. "Watch it!"

Jadeite hopped away at lightning speed.

Before making her exit, Kangaraa hopped in and spit at Kunzite like llama.

Kunzite was mad. He punched the wall and it exploded.

"I'm so happy for him," said Beryl. "He never had a true family, and he had to pretend we were his family. I mean… I always felt like I was… but now he's found true happiness."

"What was that, my queen?" asked Kunzite in shock.

"Nothing, I was just saying how incompetent you guys were!" screamed Beryl. "Now get back to work!"

"Yes my queen," all three said. They left.

"Be free, Jed," said Beryl. "Be free."

FIN


	92. Third Wheel Jed

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Jadeite I am dying," said Queen Beryl.

"WHAT?!" gasped Jadeite. "PLS, NO BERYL! DON'T LEAVE ME!"

"That's why I'm dying, Jadeite."

"Why?!" asked Jadeite in horror.

"Because of YOU!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Jadeite.

"YES!" yelled Beryl. "Your failures are making me ill. I don't think I have much more disappointment in me!"

"Beryl no! Hang in there!"

"I'm slipping…."

"WAAAAAAAAA!" cried Jadeite.

"Jadeite," said Beryl weakly. "Please… just get me some energy!"

"I can't promise to do that my queen. I can only promise to try."

Queen Beryl backhanded Jadeite. "I really thought that would work. Get out of my sight. Trying isn't enough."

"You mean no one's going to die?" asked Jadeite, joyful tears forming on his eyes.

Jadeite immediately realized he made a mistake in words.

"Someone is going to die," said Beryl.

Jadeite made a break for it before she finished her sentence.

"Gosh darn," said Beryl. "I should have shot him instead of backhanding him while I had the chance."

* * *

"Gee, thanks for inviting me to the amusement park with you guys!" exclaimed Jadeite. "Why didn't you invite Nephrite, though?"

"Nephrites aren't welcome in this household," stated Zoisite.

"What did he ever do to you guys?" asked Jadeite.

"Jadeite, do you want to go home?" asked Kunzite.

"Nope," said Jed.

They pulled up to the amusement park. They got out and walked in through the ticket line.

Jadeite was walking behind them because it was a narrow passage and he couldn't fit next to them.

When it got to his turn, the ticket guy stopped him.

"That will be $240," said the ticket guy.

"WHAT?!" gasped Jadeite. "I thought it was only $80 a person!"

"It is. It appears your friends expected you to treat them, since they did not pay."

"D'oh!" cried Jadeite. He was forced to pay for all three of them.

When he caught up, they were already in line for the log flume.

"Awww yea!" exclaimed Jadeite, hopping in line behind them.

"Hey guys?" he asked. "Did you forget to pay at the entrance?"

"Huh?" asked Kunzite. "I thought these places were free."

"Well they're not," said Jadeite. "I had to pay $160 for you two."

"Do you want a medal?" asked Zoisite.

"Maybe a refund," Jadeite mumbled under his breath.

"WHAT WAS THAT?!"

"Just saying how excited I was for the log flume."

It was finally their turn.

"Can I sit where I won't get wet?" asked Zoisite.

"No," said the guy. "But you and your boyfriend can have the luxury seats in the back with the cushions, arm rests, and minimal water."

"Aww sweet!"

Jadeite went to sit down next to them.

"These seats are great!" exclaimed Jadeite.

"Sorry," said Kunzite. "It's only two seats."

"I think I can fit!" said Jadeite, trying to squeeze in between them.

Zoisite shoved him in the water.

He climbed out.

"While you were in the water all the seats filled up," said the employee. "The only one open is the one in the front."

"Uh oh," said Jadeite.

He sat down. "At least I have it all to myself…"

Grandpa sat down next to him. "Hey gorgeous. Did you fall out of Heaven?"

"Hell, actually," said Jadeite.

"I've been there," said Grandpa. "By the way, log flumes really scare me! I'll need to someone to hold me."

"Well you came to the wrong place," said Jadeite.

But Grandpa latched onto him and didn't let go.

The ride started.

"Oh boy my clothes have finally dried," said Jadeite.

Suddenly they went down the ramp.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Jadeite at the 90 degree fall. There was a huge splash and he was soaked with sewer water.

"Do you think we're a bit mean to Jadeite?" pondered Kunzite.

"No."

After Jadeite got off his uniform was ruined with sewer water and tears.

"That was fun" said Zoisite.

"Meh," said Jadeite.

"OMG, FUNNEL CAKES!" cried Jadeite, noticing a nearby vendor.

"Oh boy!" cried Zoisite and Kunzite.

They bought a funnel cake.

"I can't wait to taste it!" said Jadeite, as Kunzite and Zoisite dug in.

He took out his special wooden fork he brought from home.

He went in for the kill.

There was no cake left.

Jadeite's heart broke in two.

"Oh, did you want some?" asked Zoisite with half the cake sticking out of his mouth. "Sorry, there's none left."

"There's still some sticking out of your mouth," said Jadeite. "If I could just have a quick bite…"

Zoisite swallowed the funnel cake whole. "I'm sorry Jadeite. There's nothing I can do."

"Oh barnacles," sighed Jadeite.

"THE TEACUPS!" cried Jadeite, filled with life once more as he spotted the ride.

"Oh boy oh boy!" said Zoisite and Kunzite.

They ran up to the teacups and Zoisite and Kunzite hopped on one.

Jadeite went to climb in with them again.

"Sorry we're full," said Zoisite.

"I think I can fit in there!" insisted Jadeite, gesturing to the 4 empty seats.

"Sorry we're full," said Kunzite.

Zoisite pushed him onto the ground.

"Hey you can't be on the ground, the ride is starting," said a worker.

The ride started and Jadeite had to leap onto a teacup before he got crushed.

"That was a close one," he said.

The cups started going around. "This is fun!" said Jadeite.

"Now to start spinning," said his cup-mate, Shingo.

"Uh oh," said Jadeite. "Just take it easy, I get nauseous pretty quickly!"

Shingo started spinning the wheel out of control.

"SLOOOOWWW DOOOWWNNNN!" cried Jed.

But Shingo sped up. Soon the cup was spinning at the speed of light.

It flung out of the ride and into the dunk tank.

"D'oh!" cried Jadeite.

"That was awesome!" said Shingo.

Jadeite went to punch Shingo when a security guard approached. "Do we have a problem?" he asked.

"No ma'am," said Jadeite fleeing.

He met up with Kunzite and Zoisite as they got off the teacups.

"That was a fun, relaxing ride," said Kunzite.

"Yeah I'm glad we didn't spin it at all," said Zoisite.

Jadeite threw up in Zoisite's hair.

"JADEITE!" cried Zoisite.

Kunzite went to slug Jadeite but Jadeite fell over on his own and passed out.

When he awoke, he was being held over Kunzite's shoulder. They were in line for the Ferris wheel.

"Oh boy the Ferris wheel!" exclaimed Jed. "What could possible go wrong?"

They boarded the wheel. Jadeite tried to climb on with them, but Zoisite shoved him away.

Jadeite was prepared this time. He latched onto their cart.

The Ferris wheel started spinning. "no no no No No No NO NO NO NOOOO!" cried Jadeite. He was losing his grip fast. The ride reached the top.

Jadeite looked down and immediately lost his grip in shock.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" he cried as he plunged to his doom. He landed in the gears and was torn to shreds.

Finally the ride ended so he could escape the gears.

"I'm sorry Jed," said Zoisite. "But why didn't you fly?"

Jadeite face-palmed.

"You know guys, I'm starting to feel like a third wheel here," said Jadeite.

"What?!" asked Kunzite and Zoisite in shock. "But why?!"

"Well for one, you tossed me off the Ferris wheel. For two, you tossed me off the teacups. And for three, you tossed me off the log flume."

"Listen Jed," said Kunzite. "We were just trying to have a romantic day out. But you are still a very close friend, and we would never see you as a third wheel or a burden of any sort. You will always be our equal."

"Really?" asked Jed.

"No," said Zoisite. "Now come hold our things while we ride the tunnel of love."

"D'oh," said Jadeite.

Suddenly he got mad. He threw a wild punch, catching Zoisite off guard.

Zoisite was tossed back onto the test your strength machine, just as someone swung down the hammer.

He was instantly KO'd.

Kunzite was reeeally mad.

He started throwing blows like a madman.

But Jadeite was madder.

He threw blows of equal strength. Kunzite was surprised that Jadeite had it in him, and missed a beat.

Jadeite landed a critical hit, launching Kunzite into the cotton candy machine.

Kunzite was spun around and put on a stick and given to a child.

"I won't be treated like a third wheel!" hollered Jadeite.

He hopped on the little plane ride for infant children. He flew the plane off the ride and left the amusement park.

* * *

He knocked on Nephrite's door with a six pack.

"Hey man! I was tryna hang with Zoisite and Kunzite at the amusement park, but they were treating me like a third wheel."

"What? Why wasn't I invited?" asked Nephrite.

"They don't like you for some reason," said Jadeite.

"Awww, I bet it's because I forgot to send them a Christmas card last year. They said they weren't mad, but…"

"Anyway," said Jed. "I came here because I know you'll always treat me like an equal, and not favor your partner over me! Because you don't have one!" laughed Jadeite.

"Actually," said Nephrite.

"Hey Jed I'm Molly!" said Molly.

"Nephrite is that a human?" asked Jadeite.

"Don't tell Beryl," said Nephrite.

"So anyway," said Molly. "Jadeite, as they call you. Do you want to hold our bags while we go shopping?"

Jadeite sighed. "Sure. I think I've burnt my bridges with Zoisite and Kunzite, so you guys are all I have left."

"Don't forget about me!" said Melvin. "You can always join the snail watching club! I'm the only member!"

"You know what? I think I will," said Jed.

* * *

-Epilogue-

Jadeite's body was washed ashore two days later. Experts suspect that he had jumped off a nearby bridge, moments after joining a local snail watching club.

His funeral was held on Sunday.

Many people came by to pay their respects.

"WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY!?" cried Queen Beryl.

"It's okay, my queen," said Kunzite. "He's better off in Heaven. There, he'll always be the first wheel."

"Who?" asked Queen Beryl.

"Wait, why'd you scream?" asked Kunzite.

"I didn't win my scratch ticket," said Beryl.

"HE WAS TOO BEAUTIFUL TO DIE!" wailed Grandpa. He pulled out a gun and shot himself. "I'll see you in Hell again, my love."

As they were covering up the grave with soil, Melvin leapt in.

"I WON'T LEAVE YOUUUU!"

Melvin was buried alive with all his snails.

Nephrite and Zoisite each threw down a single rose onto his grave.

"RIP," said Nephrite.

"Riperoo," said Zoisite.

They parted ways, but were both glad that they had temporarily forgotten their differences for the sake of Jed.

FIN


	93. Mac Daddy Melvin

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Jadeite I think I'm pregnant," said Beryl.

Jadeite had no response.

"You might be the father, Jadeite," said Beryl.

Jadeite looked around nervously "But…?! We never slept together, no matter how many times I asked you to, my queen!"

"That's where you're wrong, Jadeite. You just were conscious when it happened."

"WHAT?!" gasped Jadeite. His head started spinning. "I'm not ready to be a father!" he sobbed. He started hyperventilating. He passed out from lack of oxygen.

Queen Beryl sighed and looked back at her pregnancy test. "How could this have happened? I shouldn't have taken advantage of Jadeite while he was in an eternal sleep ice cube!"

She started to cry. "Why pregnancy test, why?!"

Nephrite walked in. "Queen Beryl, why are you crying while looking at a popsicle stick?"

"What are you talking about, Nephrite?" demanded Beryl. "This is a pregnancy test!"

"That's a popsicle stick, my queen."

"You mean I'm not pregnant?!"

"I wouldn't know, but that won't tell you," replied Nephrite.

"Oh Nephrite, you're always there for me when I need you!"

"By the way Beryl, I am taking the day off."

"I KEEEEEEL YOU!" yelled Beryl.

"But Beryl! I just saved you from 9 months of thinking you're pregnant!" insisted Nephrite.

Queen Beryl sighed. "If I wasn't pregnant right now I'd get up and kill you, but I don't want to risk hurting mine and Jadeite's baby."

Nephrite gasped.

"Nephrite, leave now," barked Beryl. "You heard nothing!"

"Yes me queen!"

Nephrite fled.

He ran past Molly's on the way to his mansion.

"Oh hey Molly!" said Nephrite, appearing in her room.

"Hoy Nephruit!" howled Molly in her Boston accent.

"Umm… yeah," said Nephrite. "Say, I got these two tickets to a safari in the Congo."

"Are they for me and Melvin?" asked Molly.

"No, for me and you."

"Gosh darn it," said Molly.

"What was that?" barked Nephrite.

"I mean, oh boy!" said Molly.

Suddenly Molly's mom was at the door to Molly's room.

"Molly!" she yelled, banging on the door. "Is there a guy in there?"

"No Mom, it's just Melvin," lied Molly.

"Did Melvin finally hit puberty?" asked Molly's mom.

"You wish," said Molly. "Anyway I'm going to the Congo, also I'm stealing some jewelry on the way out."

"Have fun!" said Molly's mom, walking away.

"Can I see the ticket?" Molly asked.

"Hold on," said Nephrite.

Nephrite shot an energy blast at Molly's wall. "Look out!" he yelled.

Molly ducked and he teleported away.

He appeared at a nearby travel agency.

"I can't wait to have our honeymoon!" said a bride.

Nephrite slugged her and stole two tickets.

He reappeared in Molly's house.

He reached under the bed where she was hiding and passed her a ticket.

She got out from under the bed cautiously and looked at it.

"Nephrite, this is a ticket to Kenya!" said Molly.

"Shit!" said Nephrite. "Look out!" he repeated, smashing her roof open with star blasts from above.

She ducked again and he teleported out and reappeared within seconds.

"Here ya go!" he said.

Just then Molly's apartment building collapsed, and Nephrite had to throw his body to block Molly from a falling roof beam.

Unfortunately, Molly's mom didn't make it.

"Nephrite, you saved me!" exclaimed Molly. "Now if only we can find the man who was shooting those energy blasts and who caused me mummy to die!

"I would kill him with my bare hands!" Nephrite said solemnly. "Oh look, garbage!"

Melvin came trotting up to the pile of rubble where Molly used to live.

"Hidy ho Molly! Sorry about your mummy!"

"That's ok, MAyyyylvin!" said Molly. "I never liked her anyway."

"Sweet!" said Melvin. "So Molly, wanna go on a date to the local McBeryl's? I heard they have free wi-fi!"

"No thanks, Melvin," said Molly. "I already have plans."

"WHAT!?" yelled Melvin with a high-pitched squeal. "With who!?"

"With me!" barked Nephrite. "You got a problem, dweazel?"

"Maybe I do!" hollered Melvin, standing on his tippy toes. He tried to rip his shirt off but failed. He took out a shrimp from his pocket and ate it sadly in defeat.

"So where are you taking my Molly?" Melvin asked sadly.

"I got Molly TWO tickets to the Congo. One for her and one for…."

Melvin's face lit up with hope.

"MEEEEEEE!" chortled Nephrite.

"Well, I happen to have a ticket there too!" said Melvin.

"No way, you lie!" Nephrite shouted.

Melvin quickly pulled out his Macbook Pro.

Nephrite laughed at him. "Macs are for nerds."

"No," said Melvin. "You just can't afford a Mac!"

"I can afford garbage!" Nephrite assured him.

Melvin quickly typed on his Macbook.

"Look at the nerd go!" mocked Nephrite.

"Nephroyt you're being mean," whined Molly.

"Can it, woman!" barked Nephrite.

Suddenly Melvin started printing something out from a nearby printer.

"How u do dis?!" demanded Nephrite. "It's not even plugged in!"

"Anything's possible with the power of science! And Apple!"

Nephrite threw a wild punch, but Melvin's Macbook put up a barrier.

Nephrite was tossed back into the wall.

Melvin took out the ticket he had printed and held it out. "Look, I got a ticket too now!"

"Let me see that!" demanded Nephrite.

He examined it and then quickly ripped it up.

"Oops," said Nephrite.

Melvin printed out another.

"Damn!" yelled Nephrite. "Him and his cursed technology!"

He kept ripping up the coupons as they printed but he wasn't fast enough.

Just when it looked like the end of the line for him, the printer ran out of paper.

"HAHAHAHAHAH!" laughed Nephrite.

"Oh well," said Melvin. "I guess I'll have to transfer it to my iPhone and use it as an e-ticket!"

Nephrite charged and picked up Melvin's iPhone. He went to snap it in half, but it electrocuted him.

"Self-defense sequence activated," said Siri.

"Damn you Siri!" howled Nephrite.

Melvin just smirked victoriously. "This thing was $700 dollars! If it didn't have a self-defense sequence at that price, it would be a crime!"

"I will RUIN YOU MELVIN!" yelled Nephrite.

Then Nephrite looked at his watch. "HAHAHAHAH! I stalled just long enough to ruin your chances of ever making the flight! Come on Molly, let's go!"

He went to teleport away but Melvin latched on at the last second.

"D'oh," said Nephrite as he tried to kick Melvin off him in the teleportation stream.

"Nephroyt!" exclaimed Molly. "Just accept that he's coming! Don't start so much drama!"

Nephrite was seconds away from charging Molly but he restrained himself.

"It's days like these that I regret dating a human girl. But then I remember that the only girls in the Negaverse are Beryl, and Zoisite in the dub, and suddenly I don't mind it."

They appeared at the Congo.

"Ahh, beautiful Congo," said Melvin. "I haven't been here since my childhood! This place is spectacular!"

Nephrite started shooting fire blasts and blowing up the Congo.

"Nephrite, stop!" yelled Molly.

"No! Melvin doesn't get to have fun this trip!" hollered Nephrite.

"Stop being immature!" yelled Molly.

"Yeah, dingus!" added Melvin.

"Can it, pipsqueak!" shouted Nephrite.

"Down, boys! Down!" yelled Molly. "Now who wants to hold my luggage?"

"I do!" said Melvin.

He went to pick up Molly's luggage, but he lacked the upper-body strength.

Nephrite laughed and picked it up with one finger.

"Wow, he's so strong," said Molly.

"Nrrrghhghghghgh," muttered Melvin, crossing his arms angrily and chomping loudly on a shrimp.

Nephrite picked up Melvin on the other finger to show off.

Melvin bit him and as a reflex he tossed Melvin into the sky.

"Nephrite!" cried Molly. "Catch him!"

"Sorry, I have my hands full," said Nephrite.

He stood there as Melvin fell to the ground with a thud.

"I'm okay!" said Melvin.

"That's great," said Nephrite. "Now let's get going!"

"Wait!" cried Melvin. "I'm stuck in a hole!"

"Awwwwwwww," said Nephrite leaving.

Melvin crawled out of the hole with his last breath, and Molly had to drag him along.

"Ugh," she panted. "Nephrite, can you help with this?"

"Sorry," said Nephrite. "My hand are too full at the moment to be dragging dead weight."

They reached the tour guide.

"Hi, I'm your tour guide for today, Jody Dite!"

"Jadeite," sighed Nephrite, Molly and Melvin in unison.

"I'm sorry, you must be confused. Jadeite is not this tan, nor does he have brown hair. For I am not Jadeite, I am Jody Ite."

"Ok Jed," said Nephrite. "Can you get the tour started?"

"I only answer to Jody. Or J.J. My last name is Johnson, so all my friends call me J.J., for Jody Johnson!"

"You just said your last name was Ite," reminded Nephrite.

"Don't' be ridiculous," laughed Jody. "So anyway, we're just waiting for 3 more guests."

"Make that two!" said Grandpa scurrying up to them. "I FEEL EVIL!"

Nephrite's heart dropped. He knew that any second now Grandpa would throw a punch, so he decided to take the initiative. He threw a swift karate chop.

Grandpa absorbed it, and deflected it tenfold.

Nephrite was in a peril state.

"Hey, cut it out!" yelled Jadeite, I mean Jody. "No fighting on my tours!"

Grandpa decided to respect his tour guide and let Nephrite live another day.

"Hey Jody!" said Motoki as he approached. "Nice to see ya, old pal!"

"Aww hey, M-man!" exclaimed Jody. "I haven't seen you since college! How ya been?"

"I've been great man! So glad I spent all that money on college just to work at an arcade!"

"Aww I feel the same way man!" said Jody. "I spent all that money just to be a tour guide!"

"Jadeite…" said Nephrite slowly. "How long did you go to college to keep up this disguise?"

"I don't know any Jadeites," repeated Jody. "And if you know what's good for you, Maxfield, you won't bring it up again."

Maxfield went silent.

"Ok, I think our last guest won't be joining us," said Jody. "So let's get started!"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIT!" cried Shingo running up and hopping on.

"Why are you so late, kid?" demanded Nephrite.

"Shut up old coot!" yelled Shingo. "I was finishing my level in Super Paper Mario!"

"Aww I love that game!" exclaimed Melvin. "I prefer it on PC though! On an emulator!"

"Shut it, nerd," said Nephrite slugging him.

"Stop bullying me," said Melvin.

"Stop being a nerd, said Nephrite.

"I will not be a bystander to this bullying any longer!" yelled Motoki.

"You wanna go, tough guy?" challenged Nephrite.

"Uh, never mind," said Motoki, shrinking back into his seat.

"Sorry I'm late guys," whispered someone nearby.

"Sailor Mercury?" asked Nephrite.

"Maxfield?" asked Ami.

"Alright, you keep my secret, I'll keep yours," decided Nephrite.

"I came to the Congo for my particle physics class," explained Ami.

"By calculations," said Melvin. "You're only 14. Why are you in these college level classes?"

"I skipped 2nd grade, 4th grade, 6th grade, 7th grade, high school, college, and med school. I'm gonna be a doctor, ya know!"

"That's dumb," said Melvin. "What's the rush? I mean, you're a sailor scout and all, can't you take off studying once in a while?"

"How do you know I'm sailor scout?!" gasped Ami.

"Because I'm not an idiot," said Melvin

Nephrite wanted to disagree with that but he decided to let it slide because he could not get away with calling Melvin a nerd with all the other nerds on the Jeep.

"You're off the hook this time," he whispered to Melvin. "But don't get used to it!"

"Alright," said Jody, "Let's get this tour started!"

* * *

The tour wagon rattled through the savanna.

"This is making me car sick! Pull over!" cried Melvin.

"Suck it up, nerd," said Nephrite.

"That's easy for you to say. You have a bladder!" shouted Melvin.

"That's makes no sense," said Nephrite.

"Can you fagbags shut up?" asked Shingo politely. "I'm trying to play this game here."

Melvin took it out of his hand. "Is this the iPod 6s?! Oh my god! There's actually a manufacturing error with these that causes your contacts to-"

"Shut up!" cried Shingo. "Give it back!"

"No, you should be paying attention to the savanna!" insisted Melvin. "It's a once in a lifetime opportunity! However, you can see videos of the same quality on the internet! In HD!"

"Can you all be quiet and let me enjoy nature?" barked Molly. "See, look how peaceful it is!"

"So when are we stopping by my girlfriend Reika's archeology site? That's the only reason I came," said Motoki.

"Which site?" asked Jody.

"The one you promised we'd hit!" cried Motoki.

"I never said that. You must have been talking to my old college roommate, Jadeite!"

"Nice try," said Nephrite. "But Jadeite didn't go to college!"

"Yes I did!" cried Jody. "I went under the name Jody so that's why you didn't know about it!"

"HAHA!" shouted Nephrite. "I caught him! Did anyone hear that?"

"Hear what?" asked Molly.

"Dammit!" cried Nephrite.

"Well, if I can't see Reika, then I'm leaving," said Motoki.

"You can't leave!" cried Jody. "We're in the middle of the savanna!"

"I'll take my chances," said Motoki.

He hopped out of the safari Jeep.

Everyone turned around and watched him take three steps away.

Then, an elephant appeared out of nowhere and wrapped its trunk around Motoki's throat.

They didn't get to see if he lived or not because Jadeite had kept driving and he was no longer in view.

"That was brutal!" said Molly in distress.

"Yeah!" said Ami. "Simply horrendous!"

"That was HILARIOUS!" laughed Nephrite and Shingo.

"Huh," said Shingo. "Looks like we're not too different after all!"

"Can it, dweeb boy!" yelled Nephrite.

"I didn't say anything!" yelled Melvin.

"Quiet!" cried Ami. "I need to take detailed notes of this trip for my university statistical analysis class!"

"I thought you said this was for particle physics?" asked Nephrite.

"Huh? I don't even know what classes I'm taking anymore. I just study all day, but I learn nothing! I'm going insane!"

"Why do you study so much?" asked Melvin. "I don't study at all, and I get pretty close grades to yours!"

"CLOSE BUT NO BANANAS!" howled Ami.

"Who's a cute baby?" said Grandpa suddenly.

"Who is?" asked Nephrite.

"That little baby over there!" said Grandpa.

"You talkin' to me!?" barked Shingo.

Grandpa slid in close to him. "Coochie coochie coo!" he said scratching Shingo's chin.

Shingo slapped his hand away. "Don't touch me old man! I need an adult!"

"I'm not an adult!" said Melvin.

"Then why did you reply, jerk!?" howled Shingo.

"Calm down!" cried Jody. "If you don't stop this you'll get Jungle Fever!"

"We're not in the jungle. This is a savanna," said Nephrite.

"Shhhh that's just the jungle fever," said Jody. "Now we all have to be completely still as I approach this herd of lions."

"NO!" cried Grandpa. "I'm too old to die!"

"Nah," said Jadeite. "There's nothing to worry about. I would have a degree if I was good at my job!"

"Wait what?" asked Nephrite.

Jody slowly brought the car closer to the lions.

"Jadeite?" asked Nephrite with concern. "Aren't you deathly afraid of lions?"

"I don't know who you're talking about!" replied Jody.

"No, seriously," said Melvin. "This is dangerously close!"

"Pshhh," scoffed Jadeite/Jody. "As long as we don't get scared, they won't smell our fear!"

"But Jadeite!" cried Nephrite. "You're terrified of lions! Don't you remember Chapter 21, when Zoisite triple dog dared you to jump into that lion's pen, and you got mauled?"

"I don't… know… what you're talking…"

Suddenly Jody's persona broke and Jadeite remembered.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" he screamed at the top of his lungs. "I don't wanna get mauled again!"

He started to make a sharp turn but he couldn't see through his tears. He spun the Jeep around rapidly.

Shingo tried to leap out but was pulled back by centrifugal force.

"WOAAH!" everyone cried.

Ami threw up, as did Molly.

"Calm down babe," said Nephrite.

Molly threw up on Nephrite.

Suddenly the Jeep stopped.

"Uh oh," said Jadeite. "Why did we stop?"

They looked down to see a lion holding the wheels back from spinning.

Jadeite froze.

There was a moment of silence, then the lion leapt onto the jeep. He picked up Jadeite with his big meaty claws and stuck him in his mouth.

The lion waved at the others, and then fled with Jadeite's legs still kicking outside of his mouth.

Nephrite took his hat off. "He was a good man."

Grandpa took his hair piece off and started sobbing. "I'll never forget that time he worked for my temple! He was too attractive to die! WAAAAAAAA!"

"There, there, Grandpa," said Molly.

Ami started crying. "We just watched a man get murdered! How are you all not traumatized?!"

"Gee I don't know," said Molly. "You all watched Nephrite die and didn't really help me."

"Huh?" asked Ami. "You mean Maxfield?"

"Enough of this," said Nephrite. "Jadeite got what he deserved.

Nephrite took the wheel. "Alright, time to drive home boys!"

The car didn't start.

"I said, time to drive home boys!"

Nothing happened.

"What's taking so long, you fatass?" barked Shingo.

"I think we're out of gas," said Nephrite.

"Uh oh," said Molly.

"No need to fear!" said Ami. "We just need to find a vein of petroleum oil, a natural gas pocket, and a three liter bottle of corn oil. Then, with a 60,000 watt engine, we can synthesize our own gasoline!"

"Ummm…." said Melvin, reaching in his pocket. "I have three shrimp. And my Macbook Pro!"

Nephrite saw the opportunity and ripped the Macbook Pro in half. He chucked the pieces 3,000 miles into the distance.

"What are you doing!?" cried Molly. "We could have used that to call for help!"

"There's no wi-fi out here!" barked Nephrite.

"That's where you're wrong!" said Melvin. "My Macbook Pro had a hotspot."

"Then why did you offer to turn it into gas?!" cried Nephrite.

"I didn't think you would take out your anger from Molly's rejection on my laptop," sneered Melvin.

Nephrite froze. Then he got mad.

He picked up Melvin over his head and threw him on the ground.

He went it for the pile drive, but Molly blocked him.

Molly was smashed and put into a peril state.

"Nephroyt! Woyyyy!" cried Molly.

"MOLLY! OH NO!" cried Nephrite. "Aww man I am sorry."

"D'aww it's ok," said Molly. "As long as I don't get any more hurt, I will be fine."

Just then, an ancient pterodactyl flew in.

"Look out!" cried Ami.

Nephrite flew into the sky and threw a punch, but the pterodactyl flapped its wind and sent Neprhite back with a gust of wind. He landed in a nearby river and was cast away.

"MOLLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" cried Nephrite as he faded into the horizon.

"I'll save you, Molly!" yelled Melvin.

But the pterodactyl was out for Molly's blood. It ignored Melvin and grabbed Molly in its talons.

It started to haul her away, but before it got far, it realized she had already died from blood loss and dropped her.

"We must avenge her!" cried Melvin. "Quick Mercury, fire your attack!"

"Ok!"

It did nothing.

"D'oh," said Mercury.

"You know," said Grandpa. "I could have easily caught that bird in my cross-eyed lobster form. But nobody asked me to fire my attack, so oh well."

Nephrite came back soaking wet.

"Where's my Molly?!" he hollered.

Grandpa took his hair piece off. "Over there," he said sadly, pointing to her battered carcass that was being eaten by lions.

Nephrite fell to his knees. "MAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYY!"

Melvin put his hand on Nephrite's shoulder. "It's okay, we'll get through this together.

"Wait a second," said Nephrite. "If Molly's dead, why am I putting up with you?"

"That's a good question," said Melvin. He made a break for it.

Nephrite appeared in front of him and chopped his head off with a karate chop.

"Alright, who's next?" said Nephrite.

"Hey," said Ami. "If you could teleport, why didn't you just take us all and teleport back to Tokyo, right when the van died?"

"After teleporting both Molly and Melvin earlier, I am too low on energy to teleport more than just myself."

He stopped talking for a moment.

"Oh wait. Goodbye."

Nephrite went to teleport away, but he was picked up by a rhino's horn.

The rhino stood up on its hind legs, and sprinted off with Nephrite.

"Whelp," said Grandpa. "Looks like it's just me and two minors. What a shame."

Then Grandpa realized something. "It's just me… and two minors…"

Ami and Shingo made a break for it.

Grandpa turned into a cross-eyed lobster and ran after them on all sixes.

"We can't keep going!" cried Ami. "I must turn into Sailor Mercury and fly away!"

"What the Hell?" barked Shingo. He was mad. Right as she started to fly away, he slapped her textbook out of her hand.

"Noooo! Without that textbook, I'll get an A-!"

Ami went back for it, and Shingo used the opportunity to leap off her and into a tree.

Grandpa lunged at Ami.

"Mercury Bubble Blast!" she cried in a desperate attempt.

It did nothing.

"Wait, where'd she go?" asked Grandpa.

"HOYL SHIT IT WORKED?!" cried Ami.

Shingo dropped down and kicked Granpda in the head, knocking him unconscious.

"We did it!" cried Ami.

Shingo slugged Ami. "You were gonna leave me to die! Or worse!"

"I'm sorry," said Ami. "Now let's take a study break."

"No!" cried Shingo. "We have to get back to the camp before nightfall!"

"Wait, we can't just leave Grandpa here!" cried Ami.

"Why not?" yelled Shingo. "He tried to have his way with us!"

"I know," said Ami, "But he's still my good friend's grandpa. We must drag him with us!"

But when they turned around, all they saw was a trail of blood.

"Looks that took care of itself," said Shingo. "Now let's go!"

They started walking in the hot savanna heat. Five minutes passed.

Ami was started to lose it.

"Are we there yet!?" asked Shingo for the 47th time.

"RRAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" yelled Ami. She started beating her chest. "We'll never make it out of here!"

"It's okay," said Shingo. "We just have to keep calm and carry on!"

"NOOOOOO!" yelled Ami. She slugged Shingo.

"Youch!" yelled Shingo.

"I am doomed to a life in the jungle!" declared Ami.

"This isn't the jungle," said Shingo.

"JUNGLE FEVER!" yelled Ami. "I must embrace my fate! I am a primate! I … am … a …. GORILLA!"

"No…" said Shingo slowly, backing up.

"HOO HOO HA HA!" howled Ami. She ripped her clothes off and ate a banana. Then she climbed a tree and swung away on vines.

Shingo decided not to try and stop her. A single tear rolled down his cheek. "She belongs here."

All alone now, Shingo trudged on for days, until he eventually gave up and died.

* * *

Epilogue.

Two months had passed.

Beryl danced in her bikini while downing multiple alcoholic beverages. "This is so much fun!" exclaimed Beryl. "I'm so glad you two threw this 'Nephrite is probably dead' party!"

"Shucks," said Kunzite. "It's the least we can do."

There was a gust of wind, and Beryl's hat flew away from the bar and into the bushes surrounding the resort.

"Zoisite, fetch my hat," demanded Beryl.

Zoisite went to fetch her hat.

"Aww yuck!" he cried a moment later. "A dead body!"

"Oh boy I wanna see!" exclaimed Queen Beryl and Kunzite.

They walked ten feet away from the resort and found the body. It was none other than Shingo Tsukino.

"Poor little guy," said Kunzite. "He was so close to reaching civilization. Hey look! An iPod 6s!"

"MINE!" shouted Beryl. She grabbed it and started barking at them.

"D'oh," said Kunzite.

"D'oh," said Beryl. "It has a password lock."

"Oh well," said Zoisite. "Let's get back to the Nephrite is dead party!"

They went back to dancing.

Just then, they heard a sound like hoof-steps in the distance. Before they could even turn around, Nephrite road in on an upright rhinoceros with a flame sword and decapitated the three of them.

"eZ" said Nephrite.

He took their heads and sold them to a local tribe of gorillas for a bunch of bananas.

"Thanks!" said Ami after trading the bananas. "I love decapitated heads!"

She turned to the ape tripe of which she was the leader.

"ARRRGHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAA!" she howled.

"ARRRGHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAA!" they yelled back.

The apes and Nephrite took over the resort and partied for generations.

FIN


	94. The Shitennou Find The Silver Crystal

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

He entered Beryl's throne room.

"BERYL BERYL BERYL BERYL!"

"WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT!?"

"I found the holder of the Silver Crystal!"

"YOU DID!?" gasped Beryl.

"YAAAAAAAS!" hollered Jadeite.

"BERYL BERYL BERYL BERYL!" hollered Nephrite, storming in. "I found the holder of the Silver Crystal!"

"YOU DID!?" gasped Beryl.

"That's it!" yelled Jadeite. "I'm sick of you stealing my thunder!"

He threw a wild punch at Nephrite.

It felt like a gust of wind against Nephrite's skin.

"Wait," said Beryl. "So which one of you actually found it?"

"BERYL BERYL BERYL BERYL!" yelled Kunzite and Zoisite, rushing in in a flurry. "We found the-"

"Can it!" yelled Beryl.

"Actually," said Zoisite. "We were just gonna tell you that we found that old crystal ball of yours that rolled away years ago! Turns out it was in Nephrite's house all along!"

"WHAT?!" yelled Nephrite.

"WHAT?!" yelled Jadeite.

"STOP SCREAMING!" yelled Beryl. "My ears are killing me today, come on!"

Everyone went silent.

Jadeite hiccupped.

Beryl shot an eternal sleep attack.

Jadeite dived to the floor and it hit Nephrite.

"Nooooooo!" cried Nephrite. However, nothing happened.

"Oh, I guess it only works on weak Shitennou," said Nephrite.

"Heh heh," chuckled Beryl nervously.

"Wow Beryl," said Zoisite. "You talk a good game, but you're not as tough as you pretend to be!"

Queen Beryl shot the attack at Zoisite. Zoisite was frozen in an ice crystal.

Kunzite took out a chisel and chiseled Zoisite out.

"Hey thanks," said Zoisite.

Nephrite let out a hardy laugh. "I think it has something to do with you not having these shoulder things," he said, pointing to his shoulder things.

"That's it!" yelled Zoisite. "I'm sick of you stealing my thunder!"

He threw a wild punch at Nephrite.

It felt like a gust of wind against Nephrite's skin.

"Now let's go back to this Silver Crystal business," said Beryl. "I don't care who found it, since I'm going to kill you all when I take over the world anyway."

"Pardon?" asked Kunzite.

Beryl laughed nervously. "So where is it?"

"It's at this random girl Usagi Tsukino's house!" said Jadeite and Nephrite in unison.

They both turned and looked at each other and growled.

"Why would it be there?" wondered Beryl.

"Probably got misplaced," suspected Kunzite.

"So what's the plan boyz?" asked Jadeite.

"We must go in there and take it from her, obviously!" scoffed Nephrite.

"We can't just barge into a human home!" exclaimed Jadeite. "That will be bad for our PR!"

"You're right," said Beryl thoughtfully. "We need to be subtle!"

* * *

"How are we going to get the crystal?!" cried Zoisite to Kunzite.

"It's okay," said Kunzite, patting Zoisite on the head.

"But Kunzite-sama! Whoever gets it wins it!"

"If Nephrite gets it, we'll just take it from him!" laughed Kunzite.

"But what if Nephrite immediately brings it to Beryl?" Zoisite cried.

"If Beryl gets it, we'll just take it from her!"

"What if she passes it to Metalia?"

"Alright, leave me alone," barked Kunzite, throwing Zoisite off him.

* * *

"Go fish!" yelled Usagi.

"Aww shit!" cried Rei. She stormed out of the room.

"Good game friends," said Ami crying in defeat.

"Suck it Ami," howled Usagi. "Alright guys, pay up!"

Mina forked over 20 dollars. So did Ami.

"You'll get it over my dead body!" howled Rei.

"Hey guys, where's our good pal Makoto?" asked Minako.

"She's gone," Usagi.

"Gone where?"

"Away."

"Oh," said Mina. "That's a darn shame."

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door.

Usagi answered it.

"Hi girls! It's me, Jed!"

"I don't know a Jed," said Usagi suspiciously.

"I'm sensing some bad vibes about this guy," said Rei, returning to the room.

"Suck it, loser!" barked Jadeite.

Rei gasped.

"What I meant to say was, I'm the neighborhood health inspector! I've been getting some complaints about mold in this house, and I need to check it out!"

"Not from this house…" said Usagi slowly.

"Actually," said Ami. "I was just doing my weekly environmental analysis for my complex environmental algorithm class, and I can confirm that there is no mold in this house."

"Do you have a license?" asked Jed.

"No," said Ami. "Do you?"

Jadeite slugged her and made a break for it into the house.

Ami was crying on the floor.

"Oh nooooo," said Mina sarcastically.

"That man called me a loser, and now he hit my friend!" yelled Rei. "He's done for!"

Rei, Usagi, and Mina took off after Jed.

He turned around and saw they were hot on his tail, so he picked up speed.

He quickly took a glance in each room, but didn't see any Silver Crystals.

He dove into the bathroom and locked the door.

"Get out of my house!" cried Usagi. "I'm calling the police!"

"Yo, this is not cool," said the voice of a young boy.

Jadeite turned around and gasped.

Shingo was naked in the bath tub.

"Awww, yuck!" yelled Jadeite. "Put some bubbles on!"

"MOOOOOM!" cried Usagi. "Some health inspector locked himself in the bathroom and may or may not be molesting Shingo!"

There was no response.

"Wait, what season is this?" asked Usagi.

Rei counted on her fingers.

"Oh, never mind, I don't have parents anymore. Wait, that means Shingo shouldn't be around either!"

Shingo faded from existence.

"Phew," sighed Jadeite. "That could have ended badly."

While the sailors were trying to pick the lock on the bathroom door, there was another knock at the door.

They left Jadeite alone and went to get it.

"Your pizza is here," said the guy.

"Maxfield Stanton?" they all asked in unison.

"Umm… no! This is his son, Maxton Stanfield III!"

"Why does his son have a different last name?" asked Ami.

"Shit!" cried Nephrite. He slammed the door.

20 seconds later, he knocked again.

They answered.

"Your pizza is here," said the guy. This time, Nephrite wore a wig as to not look too similar to Maxfield Stanton.

"We didn't order any pizza," said Usagi.

"This one's on the house," said Nephrite. "Hey, is that a flat screen?"

He let himself in. He threw himself on the sofa, in between Mina and Rei.

He started eating the pizza and put his feet up on the table.

"Yeah, so uh, at Papa Beryl's, where I work, we go around delivering free pizzas in exchange for access to cable TV!"

"Aww, that poor homeless man," said Usagi sympathetically. "You make yourself at home!"

"Also, do you have any expensive jewels?" asked Nephrite. "Ya know, for charity. And if possible, do you have any that are silver, or crystal-like? Or both?"

"I mean we have the Silver Crystal," began Usagi but Rei slugged her.

Rei pulled Usagi aside.

"I don't know about this guy," said Rei.

"You say that about everyone," said Usagi. "Like that last guy!"

"Yeah, and I was right!" yelled Rei. "He's still hiding in the bathroom!"

Meanwhile, Jadeite slowly peaked his head outside the door.

He saw Nephrite on the couch.

"Shit!" he cried, getting mad. "I better find that crystal fast!"

He tiptoed into the next room. The door read "Shingo's room, keep out!"

"eZ," said Jadeite, looking all around inside the room. Suddenly, his foot was caught.

The next thing he knew, something clamped around his foot, and was hung upside-down from the ceiling.

"HAAAALP!" he cried.

He read the nearby sign. "That's what you get for going in my room, idiot Usagi!"

"UwAAAAAAAAA!"

* * *

"Do you hear something?" Mina asked.

"Nah," said Nephrite, turning up the TV. "So yeah, about that crystal. If you toss it over, I can get you free pizza for a year!"

"Free pizza… for a year?!" gasped Usagi. "I think we must make the trade!"

"NO!" cried the others.

Usagi took out the silver crystal and went to hand it to Nephrite.

The other scouts tackled her to the ground.

But Usagi was mad. She was livid. She threw them all off her like ragdolls, and slowly reached towards Nephrite with the crystal.

"YAAAAASSSSSSS!" said Nephrite with his eyes glowing evilly.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door.

"Oops, gotta go get that!" said Usagi, walking away.

"WAAA!" screamed Nephrite.

She opened the door.

"This is the police," said Kunzite. He and Zoisite were in cop outfits.

"Oh no!" cried Usagi. "I surrender!"

"Ok cool," said Zoisite. "Gimme the Silver Crystal."

Kunzite slugged him. "Anyway, we got a report that an escaped convict was headed this way. Apparently he's disguised as a pizza man."

Everyone turned to Nephrite. Nephrite looked down at his pizza box and outfit.

"Are you talkin' 'bout me?" barked Nephrite.

"I'm gonna need to place you under arrest," said Kunzite. "You have the right to remain silent."

Kunzite cautiously approached Nephrite with handcuffs.

"You're not real cops!" howled Nephrite. "Show me your badges!"

"Uh oh," said Zoisite.

"This is a citizen's arrest!" yelled Kunzite.

"Yeah, yeah!" agreed Zoisite. "We're gonna need to search your house, ma'am!"

"Ok…" said Usagi.

Rei approached Usagi. "I don't know about these guys!"

"I'M TIRED OF YOUR PESSIMISM! YOU'RE STARTING TO BE AS ANNOYING AS AMI!" howled Usagi.

"What was that?" asked Ami.

"Can it, Ami!" yelled Usagi.

Zoisite quickly ran off to search the house.

Nephrite went to go tackle him, but Kunzite slugged him.

"Stay on the ground, pal, we have a citizen's warrant!"

"Don't make me call the real cops and tell them there are people impersonating cops!" threatened Nephrite.

"Don't make me call Maxfield Stanton over here to deal with you!" mocked Kunzite.

They had reached an impass.

* * *

Zoisite started running around frantically, looking through all the rooms.

He ran into Usagi's bedroom and threw everything on the floor, looking for the crystal.

"Where is it!? Where is it!?"

He looked in the closet. "Dang, why does this girl have so many Sailor Moon cosplay outfits?"

Luna crawled out from under her cat bed. She gasped.

"Hey, who are you?" she demanded.

Zoisite thought fast and shot his taser at Luna.

"UWAAAA!" cried Luna. "Why does this always happen to me!?"

Zoisite ran into the next room.

Inside, he found Jadeite tied up upside-down.

"Jadeite?! You're looking for the crystal too?!"

"I was," sighed Jadeite. "But I got myself into a bit of a predicament. Hey, could you help me down so I can keep looking?"

"Yeah, just wait right here!" said Zoisite. "I'll go get a pair of scissors!"

Zoisite closed the door behind him and didn't look back.

Suddenly, there was another knock on the door.

"We're a little busy," called Usagi. "There's some sort of police standoff going on in here with the pizza guy and a few upstanding citizens!"

"It will only take a second!" promised the visitor.

Usagi opened the door.

"Hi, I'm the exterminator!" said Queen Beryl.

"Uh oh," said Kunzite.

"We didn't call an exterminator?" said Usagi curiously.

"I know, but the neighbors reported that your house is infested with pests!"

Just then she spotted Kunzite and Nephrite in the middle of a mental scrap.

"Look, there's two now!"

She charged them with bug spray.

She tackled Kunzite down to the floor.

Nephrite used this opportunity to make a break for it.

"Why Beryl why!?" yelled Kunzite.

"The crystal is mine!" yelled Beryl. "I need to prove myself to Metalia!"

"Idiot!" shouted Kunzite. "I was gonna give it to you!"

"You were?" asked Beryl.

"Yeah, but not anymore!" screamed Kunzite.

"Ok, then I'll just keep spraying you!" shouted Beryl.

* * *

Zoisite was in the basement throwing laundry everywhere.

"WHERE…. IS….. IT!?"

Nephrite came barging in.

"You!" he howled.

"Uh oh," said Zoisite.

Nephrite charged Zoisite, spinning his arms in a circle like a crazy man.

"UWAAAA!" cried Zoisite. It was too late to run so all he could do was a short distance teleport.

He teleported two feet to the side.

Nephrite got confused by the petals and ran into the wall.

"LOLOLOLOL!" yelled Zoisite running out.

Zoisite went running up the stairs towards the attic.

He threw everything in Chibi-usa's room to the floor and found a hidden drawer.

"Ooooo what's this?"

"Hi I'm Pegasus," said Pegasus, inside of Chibi-usa's snow globe.

"Oh, it's just trash," said Zoisite, throwing him out the window.

"WHERE IS THE CRYSTAL!?"

"What crystal?" asked Rei.

"THE SILVER IMPERIUM CRYSTAL, DUH!" yelled Zoisite from the other room.

"Hmmm," said Rei. She decided to go up and investigate.

* * *

Meanwhile, Beryl was smacking Kunzite on the head with the empty spray bottle.

"Why, Beryl? Why!?" Kunzite continued to sob.

"Alright, break it up guys," said Mina, breaking up the fight.

"I don't believe you're a real exterminator," said Ami.

"Why do you think that?" asked Beryl suspiciously.

"Well for one, you look like Queen Beryl of the Negaverse."

"Who?" asked Beryl.

"For two, your exterminator's tool belt doesn't look very legit."

"How not?!" demanded Beryl.

"Because it consists of a bubble wand, a water gun, and a comb."

"Hey, where'd that pizza guy go?" asked Usagi.

They followed the trail of pizza crumbs down into the basement.

There, they found Nephrite in the washing machine where Zoisite had left him.

They turned off the spin cycle.

"What's going on here?" they demanded.

They turned around, but Kunzite and Beryl were gone.

* * *

"WHERE IS IT WHERE IS IT WHERE IS IT!?" yelled Beryl, throwing Usagi's things around.

"WHERE IS IT WHERE IS IT WHERE IS IT!?" yelled Kunzite, throwing Usagi's parents' things around.

"I already checked those rooms!" cried Zoisite running past them. "Maybe it's in the kitchen!"

He ran for the kitchen but smashed into Rei, who was standing in front of the kitchen door.

"Howdy!" said Zoisite.

"Why do you want in the kitchen?" asked Rei suspiciously.

"Oh, you know. Just gettin' myself a glass of water!"

"No need," said Rei. "I'll pour you one!"

"No, no, no," said Zoisite. "Please, I'd feel bad making you have to get it for me! You've already done so much!"

"No, I insist," said Rei.

Zoisite was quiet for a moment. But then he picked up a vase and hit Rei over the head. He dived into the kitchen and began opening up the cabinets.

He pulled one of the cabinet doors too hard and the cabinet tipped over. 20,000 plates smashed on his head, and he was knocked into a peril state.

Kunzite came running in. "Oh no!"

Zoisite was running out of energy fast. "Check… check the dishwasher!"

* * *

Beryl ran into Shingo's room in a mad dash.

"BERYL!" cried Jadeite. "Help me! If you do, I'll help you search!"

"I don't need help," said Beryl.

"Pls!" cried Jadeite.

Beryl slammed the door and moved on.

* * *

The scouts ran into the kitchen where Rei was knocked unconscious, Zoisite was covered in broken plates, and Kunzite was half inside the dishwasher.

"WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?!" yelled Usagi.

"We suspect that there are drugs hidden in this household!" exclaimed Kunzite. "Show me where you keep your stash, or I'll find it on my own!"

"I'm going to have to ask you to leave," said Usagi.

"Make me!" yelled Kunzite.

Just then, Nephrite flew in out of nowhere and karate chopped Kunzite. It had no effect.

"Dammit," said Nephrite.

Beryl ran in too. "Alright, where is it?!" she yelled.

"WHERE IS WHAT?!" cried Mina.

"Shut up," said Beryl.

"Get out!" cried Usagi.

Jadeite came rolling in, still tied up. "Hey Zoisite! Did you ever find those scissors?"

"Ughh," Zoisite muttered. He threw a crystal at Jadeite. It cut open the rope.

"Oh. Thanks!" yelled Jadeite.

Nephrite punched Jadeite on the head. "The crystal is mine!"

Kunzite had enough of Nephrite and finally just slugged him.

Nephrite flew into the fridge and it fell on top of him.

"Youch!" yelled Nephrite.

Usagi had more than enough. "STOP MESSING UP MY HOUSE!"

"NOT UNTIL YOU FORK OVER THE CRYSTAL!" yelled Beryl.

She threw a handful of mousetraps at Usagi but they had little-to-no effect.

"OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" said Usagi in realization. "You guys are from the Negaverse! And you're looking for this!"

She pulled the Silver Crystal out of her pocket.

"Oh yeah!" remembered Nephrite. "She did have that on her! Heh heh!"

She slapped Zoisite with the Moon Wand.

"Now for the rest of you!" said Usagi.

"Well looks like this plan was a bust," said Kunzite. "Anyway, I am the great Lord Kunzite, of the Dark Kingdom!"

He ripped off his police uniform.

"Shit maybe I should have worn clothes under this."

He put back on the police uniform.

Usagi finished them all off with ease.

"So Rei, I guess you were right. I'm sorry," said Usagi. "All of the people you said not to trust turned out to be untrustworthy. I won't take my chances anymore!"

Rei was still unconscious.

There was another knock at the door.

"Another one?!" exclaimed Usagi. "I won't let you down this time, Rei."

The door opened, and Usagi fired the Moon Wand with all she had.

"Hey guys, it's me, Makoto!" said Makoto.

Those were her last words.

She was eliminated to such an extent that her brutally bashed corpse was unrecognizable.

"I wonder who that was," said Ami.

"I guess we'll never know!"

FIN


	95. The Great Quintuple Date

"Queen Beryl," yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Oh boy Jadeite what is it this time?"

"Humans have this thing they called 'love', your highness and-"

Queen Beryl gasped at the top of her lungs.

"KUNZITE!"

Kunzite warped in.

"Yes, my queen?"

"Quick, Kunzite, get me a cup of coffee!"

Kunzite teleported to the coffee maker and made Beryl a cup of coffee. He teleported back with a cup labeled '#1 Queen' and handed it to Beryl.

"Two tea-spoons of sugar, no cream, just how you like it, Queen Beryl."

Beryl took a sip and spit it in Jadeite's face.

"TELL ME MORE JADEITE!"

"Beryl as I was saying…"

Suddenly Nephrite ran in.

He pulled out a large sack and dumped it on the floor.

"Hoy, I'm Mawly!" said Molly, crawling to her feet.

"WHAT IS THAT?!" gasped Beryl.

Zoisite appeared then to attempt to convince Queen Beryl that it would be in her best interest to take out Nephrite once and for all.

"That looks like a human, my queen!"

"Nephrite, is that a human?" barked Beryl.

Nephrite took a deep breath. "This is my girlfriend Molly. She wanted to meet my family, so here she is."

"So anyway," continued Jadeite. "If I am able to extract the love energy from three-"

"Jadeite," said Beryl.

"Yes, my queen?"

"Shut up."

"Yes, my queen."

"Nephroyt?" asked Molly.

"Yep," said Nephrite.

"Who's the angry one?"

"Oh, that's just Queen Beryl. She's nice once you get to know her."

Beryl's eyes were on fire and her hair was flying around her head.

"Nephrite… you brought a human to our secret lair! What if she's a Sailor?!"

"She's not a sailor, my queen," said Jadeite. "I know their identities. Do you want to hear them?"

"What did I just tell you, Jadeite!? Zip your lips!"

"Yes, my queen."

"Queen Beryl," began Zoisite. "Nephrite has compromised our security. I think we're going to have to take him out."

"Zoisite," said Queen Beryl. "Zip your lips!"

"But Queen Beryl!"

"ZOISITE!" screeched Beryl. "Go to your room!"

Zoisite ran away crying.

"Nephroyt?" asked Molly. "Why's that girl sound like a guy?"

"That's because he is a guy. Well, not in the dub, but that's beside the point," explained Nephrite.

"Is he, like, gay?" asked Molly.

"Most definitely," said Nephrite.

Kunzite went to interrupt, but looked at Beryl and decided he should keep his mouth shut.

"So anyway," said Nephrite. "I'm taking off work this evening to take Molly on a date."

"Nephrite, I'm getting real sick of this," said Beryl. "This is like the third time this week."

"Love takes work," said Nephrite.

"Work takes love," retorted Beryl. "Plus, you've used up all your sick days."

"What about my vacation days?" asked Nephrite.

"You don't have vacation days, bub!"

"What about my paternity leave?"

"Ok, but if you ever have a baby you'll regret this!" howled Beryl.

"Yes!" exclaimed Nephrite, pumping his fist.

"Queen Beryl," began Zoisite, appearing again completely unscathed. "Me and Kunzite would like to use one of our sick days that we didn't waste to go along with Nephrite."

"No way!" barked Nephrite.

"Oh boy!" exclaimed Molly. "A dooble date!"

"That's an excellent idea!" agreed Beryl.

"Actually," decided Molly. "Let's moyke it a triple date! I can invite moy best friend Usagi!"

"Usagi?" gasped Jadeite, perking up. "Usagi is the name of-"

"JAAAAAAAAADEEEEEEEEEEEITTTTTTTTE!" shrieked Queen Beryl.

Jadeite sat down and hung his head.

"And," continued Molly. "She can take her boyfriend, Mamoru Chiba!"

"WHAT?!" exclaimed Beryl. "Mamoru Chiba will go?!"

"Yes," said Molly. "Do you know him?"

"…" replied Beryl. "I think I'll tag along."

"You don't have a date," said Nephrite.

"Watch it, bud! I'll just go with…" she looked around. "I'll find someone on the way there!"

"Hey guys," said Jadeite. "Can I go with my girlfriend?"

Everyone joined together in hysterical laughter. "HAHAHAhAHAHAHAHAH!"

"I guess I'll see ya there!" said Jed.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH!" everyone continued to laugh.

"I do have a girlfriend, I swear!"

"We'll see!" laughed everyone.

* * *

Nephrite and Molly were the first to arrive at the restaurant.

"Why did you sign me up for this?" barked Nephrite.

"It will be fun!" promised Molly.

"I don't think so," said Nephrite.

"Those people seemed nice! I think you're too hard on them," said Molly. "Especially that gay guy."

"Which one?" asked Nephrite.

"That one you're always bullying."

"HEY!" yelled Nephrite. "I'll have you know-"

The waiter came up. "How many in your party?" he asked.

"Well, it depends if Jadeite is man enough to show up alone. He probably won't, so I'm just gonna go ahead and get a table for nine."

"Right this way," said the waiter, bringing them to a big round table.

"Hey, by the way," said Nephrite to the waiter. "If gay people show up looking for me, tell them I'm not here."

Five seconds passed.

"And here he is," said the waiter, escorting Kunzite and Zoisite over to the table.

Zoisite was in a gown and Kunzite was in a tuxedo.

"Good evening," said Zoisite, sitting next to Nephrite.

"Alright," said Nephrite accusingly. "Why'd you two want to come?"

"What?" gasped Zoisite defensively. "Can't I just want to do stuff with my good friend Nephrite?"

"I have never bean your friend, nor you mine!" howled Nephrite.

"Nephrite!" cried Molly. "Stop being so mean! You're gonna hurt his feelings!"

"I'm telling you Molly," insisted Nephrite. "He's a bad guy!"

"Maybe you've never given him a chance!" said Molly. She turned to Kunzite and Zoisite. "I apologize for my date's rudeness."

"No problem," said Kunzite, digging in on the breadsticks.

"So what's the plan?" Zoisite whispered to him.

"Let's kill the human girl," said Kunzite. "Maybe Nephrite will kill himself."

"WHAT WAS THAT!?" barked Nephrite. "Molly, did you hear that?!"

"Nephrite, relax!" cried Molly. "We all just wanna have a fun time!"

Nephrite grumbled incoherently.

Meanwhile, Beryl was standing outside of the restaurant, pacing back and forth.

A guy walked up.

"ARE YOU SINGLE!?" screeched Beryl.

"No," said Motoki. "But I'm sure you'll find the right guy someday!"

Beryl put Motoki in an eternal sleep.

"WAAA!" cried Reika.

Beryl put Reika in an eternal sleep.

Beryl continued pacing angrily, when she tripped on something.

It was a squatting nerdboy.

"Hey! You almost scratched my binoculars!" squeaked Melvin.

Beryl went to put him in an eternal sleep, but then stopped. "Why are you looking into the restaurant with binoculars?"

"The love of my life, Mawwwwly, is in there with some loser! I must win her back!"

Suddenly, Beryl started to grin.

"Do you want me to help you make her jealous?" asked Beryl.

"You think that will work?" asked Melvin.

"I know it will! But in return, you have to help me make some teenage guy jealous!"

"How old are you?" asked Melvin.

"Only a couple thousand. Now come on!"

Beryl and Melvin approached the table.

"Melvin?" asked Molly.

"Queen Beryl?" asked Zoisite.

"Zoisite, what are you doing with that knife pointed at that human girl?" asked Beryl.

Zoisite shrunk in his seat nervously.

"Hey, you're that dweeb!" exclaimed Nephrite when he spotted Melvin. "You would really stoop this low to make Molly jealous?"

"What is that supposed to mean, Nephrite?!" howled Beryl.

"Ummm…. Nothing, my queen!"

"So, Beryl," began Zoisite. "I didn't know nerdy was your type!"

"Shut it Zoisite, or I'll put you in an eternal sleep!"

Zoisite shrunk further in his seat.

Kunzite was still gnawing on bread. "So Beryl, how long have you known this guy?"

"Ever since the Silver Millennium!" said Beryl.

"The what?" asked Melvin.

"Morton, I didn't give you permission to speak."

"It's Melvin," said Melvin.

"Can it, Martin."

Suddenly, there was a light that shone brightly through the room. In walked a mysterious figure accompanied by another figure.

The smoke cleared, and they were able to make out Jadeite.

"Jadeite…" Queen Beryl asked, her jaw on the floor. "You're… with a girlfriend?!"

The smoke cleared further.

Zoisite started to giggle. "That's no girlfriend… that's Grandpa!"

"Hey!" cried Jadeite. "That's no way to speak to a lady!"

"Howdy folks!" said Grandpa in a wig.

"So, I would like to introduce you to my girlfriend, Pauleen!" said Jadeite.

Nephrite let out a hardy laugh. "Honestly, she's a lot prettier than I thought she would be!"

"HAHAHAHA!" mocked Jadeite loudly. "It's just SOOOO funny!"

Molly elbowed Nephrite. "Nephrite! Stop being mean!"

"Yea, Nephrite. Listen to your date," added Kunzite between chomps.

"Beryl," greeted Grampa, nodding his head.

"You know him?" asked Melvin.

"It's a long story," sighed Queen Beryl.

The waiter came over. "What does everyone want to eat?"

"We're still waiting for two people," said Molly.

"Nah," said Zoisite. "It's fine. I don't think they want anything to eat anyway."

"You sure?" asked Molly.

"I'll have the shrimp cocktail," said Melvin.

"Do you serve human legs?" asked Beryl.

"No ma'am," said the waiter.

"Then I'll have the side salad."

"I just want more breadsticks," said Kunzite.

"I'll just have a 6 ounce-" began Nephrite.

"What kind of fries do you have?" interrupted Zoisite.

"Waffle and regular."

"Alright," said Nephrite. "So anyway, a six ounce sirloin-"

"Are your fries seasoned?" asked Zoisite.

"ANYWAY!" yelled Nephrite.

"They are seasoned, but you can get them without seasoning."

"Good, good," said Zoisite.

"A SIX OUNCE SIRLOIN STEAK WITH-"

"Do they cost extra without seasoning?" Zoisite continued.

"RRRRR, BACK OFF!" yelled Nephrite, standing up on his chair and howling at the moon.

Zoisite gasped and then started to cry.

"NEPHRITE!" cried Molly. "Look what you did!"

"That wasn't very kind," said Melvin.

"Stay out of this, dweeb boy!" barked Nephrite.

"Apologize," demanded Kunzite.

"Do you serve mac and cheese?" asked Jadeite.

Nephrite pounded his fist on the table. "That's it! Everyone shut up while I order!"

"This is so embarrassing," said Molly, fleeing to the bathroom.

"Now!" Kunzite whispered to Zoisite.

"I have to go to the bathroom too!" said Zoisite.

He went into the ladies' room.

"Did anyone see that?" asked Jadeite. "Should we… call the police?"

"Let bygones be bygones," said Grandpa out of the blue. "Also, I need to go as well."

He got up and also went into the ladies' room.

The waiter hesitated when Zoisite did it, but Grandpa was so obviously a man that he called security.

In the bathroom, Molly was washing her face.

"Hey there," said Zoisite. "I'm sorry your boyfriend is such a loser."

Molly sighed. "It's ok… he has a good side."

"Hmm, I don't know," said Zoisite. "He's always so cruel to me… I don't even know why! I've never started up with him, ever!"

Just then, Grandpa came in.

Molly and Zoisite screamed.

"Hey kids!" said Grandpa. "Does anyone wanna meet Grandpa Jr.?"

"I thought your name was Pauleen?" asked Molly.

"My name is anything you want it to be. So you two are both minors, right?"

"Yes…" said Molly slowly.

Zoisite nodded silently.

"Good, good," said Grandpa.

Grandpa reached for his pants zipper.

Just then, the door was busted down by security. They tackled Grandpa.

"Thanks," said Zoisite in relief.

They tackled Zoisite. They hauled them both out of the ladies' room and gave them a stern warning.

* * *

Meanwhile at the table, Jadeite was placing his order.

"How old do I have to be to order from the kids' menu?"

"12 or under," said the waiter.

"Now is that just a recommendation, or is it enforced?"

"It's enforced."

"How old do I look?" asked Jadeite.

"Not 12 or under," said the waiter.

"But I really want a grilled cheese!" cried Jadeite.

"I'll order one," said Melvin. "And you can have it."

"Awww, you'd do that for me?" asked Jadeite beaming.

"Sure thing!" said Melvin.

"Alright!" said Jadeite happily. "I'll just take a water."

Zoisite and Grandpa returned to their seats.

"Did you kill her?" asked Kunzite.

"Wait what?" asked Zoisite.

"Omg," groaned Kunzite.

"I got distracted!" cried Zoisite. "Jadeite's girlfriend almost sexually harassed me!"

"Almost?" asked Grandpa indignantly. "I would say I completed the harassment."

"Pauleen, you goober!" laughed Jadeite.

Queen Beryl was starting to get bored. "If Mamoru doesn't show up soon I'm leaving."

"Why do you need that guy?" asked Melvin. "If you were my girl, I would give you anything!"

"Listen Mario," said Beryl. "You're a good guy and all, but… you're just so ugly."

Melvin's heart split in half. "I feel constipated," he said, starting to cry.

Molly returned to her seat.

"Are you good now?" asked Nephrite.

"Why do you care?" sniffled Molly.

"Aww come on, don't be like that. If I didn't care, I would have killed all these rejects by now!" Nephrite assured her.

"Do you wanna go, buster?" asked Kunzite.

"No, but only because Molly doesn't want fighting! I'm sure I'd win though!"

"You know what?" said Molly. "You were willing to compromise for me, so I'll do the same for you. You can have your duel."

"Actually I'm fine," said Nephrite gulping down some lemon water.

"Queen Beryl?" requested Kunzite. "May I kill Nephrite? Pretty please?"

"No," said Beryl. "Not in your life, sport."

"Ok then," said Kunzite. "May I kill Molly? Pretty please with a cherry on top?"

"Go for it," said Beryl.

"WOAH WOAH WOAH!" cried Jadeite. "Don't let him kill Nephrite's date! That would make Nephrite the only single Shitennou! Because we all know I'm not single!"

"Your date is an 80 year old Grandpa," stated Beryl.

"Wait, you have kids?" asked Jadeite.

"Why yes," said Pauleen. "And grand kids!"

Jadeite gasped. "I've always wanted a family!"

Jadeite went to kiss Pauleen. Everyone covered their eyes.

Just then, Mamoru and Usagi walked up.

"Sorry we're late!" said Usagi. "We were detecting a negative presence in the area, but we couldn't seem to find where it was coming from."

Mamoru froze in his place. At the table, he spotted the entire Negaverse cast, as well as Melvin, Molly, and Rei's grandpa.

"Usagi, can I have a word with you?" asked Mamoru.

"Not now, Mamo-chan. We haven't placed our orders!"

Mamoru sat down next to Nephrite. "Umm… heyyyyyyyyyy," he said.

Nephrite nodded.

Mamoru glared across the table at Kunzite, who was returning the glare.

Sparks were flying from the mental showdown.

"Change of plans," whispered Kunzite. "We take down Chiba."

"Wait, what was that?" asked Beryl.

"Nothing, my queen," said Kunzite.

"SO, MAMORU!" shouted Beryl casually. "HAVE YOU MET MY DATE?!"

Mamoru stifled a laugh. "Is that Usagi's school nerd, I mean friend?"

"Beats me," said Queen Beryl. "But you can't have me now! I am taken! Doesn't that make you jealous?"

"No," said Mamoru. "I'm happy for you."

Queen Beryl leapt across the table at Mamoru, and Kunzite and Jadeite had to hold her back.

"Easy Beryl," said Kunzite. "Try to be more subtle."

"Hey Nephrite," asked Zoisite.

"WHAT!?" barked Nephrite.

"Wanna play 20 questions?"

Nephrite just stared at him.

"NEPHRITE!" cried Molly.

"Fine, yes," muttered Nephrite.

"Alright, I'll start," said Zoisite. "Guess what I am!"

Nephrite groaned. "Is it someone sitting at this table?"

"Yes," said Zoisite.

"Are they a male?" asked Nephrite.

"Yes," said Zoisite.

"Is it Kunzite?"

"No," said Zoisite.

"Is it a dweeb?" Nephrite asked, looking at Melvin.

"Yes," said Zoisite.

"Is it Melvin?" asked Nephrite.

"HEY!" yelled Melvin.

"No," said Zoisite.

"Huh?" asked Nephrite, befuddled. "Is it Jadeite?"

"No," said Zoisite.

"…Mamoru?"

"No."

"…Pauleen?"

"No, Pauleen is a girl."

"Then who is it?" demanded Nephrite.

"It's YOUUUUUUUU!"

Molly laughed. "That's silly!"

Mamoru let out a chuckle.

Nephrite glared at Mamoru. "I'm not having fun here," he stated.

"You need to lighten up!" said Jed. "Throw caution to the wind!"

"Take your shirt off!" suggested Pauleen.

"Can it, Grandpa," said Nephrite.

Finally, the waiter brought the food.

"Wait, I didn't get a chance to order anything!" exclaimed Mamoru.

"That's too bad," said Zoisite. "Want a ketchup packet?"

"No," said Mamoru.

"Don't worry," said Jadeite. "You can have some of my grilled cheese!"

"Thanks," said Mamoru quietly.

Everyone started eating.

Mamoru and Kunzite kept exchanging glares.

Beryl had her eyes constantly on Mamoru, and wasn't eating her salad. She licked her lips.

Zoisite hadn't touched his French fries, because he didn't even like fries. Instead, he joined Kunzite in glaring at Mamoru.

Grandpa shamelessly undressed Mamoru with his eyes.

Usagi scanned the whole table. "Where do I know these guys from?" she wondered.

Melvin just looked sadly at Molly, who looked at Nephrite, who looked suspiciously at Zoisite.

Jadeite looked at his crayon book that came with his kiddie meal. He couldn't quite connect the dots and his picture looked like a bunch of squiggly lines.

They all ate together silently for ten minutes.

Suddenly, a wild punch flew across the table. The punch belonged to Grandpa, and it hit Molly square in the face.

Nephrite flipped over the table and started throwing wild punches at everyone in his way.

Zoisite saw the opportunity and summoned a crystal behind Mamoru.

He threw it but was off by a bit so it hit Beryl. It didn't do much damage.

Beryl was mad.

"ZOISITE, WERE YOU TRYNA KILL ME!?"

"No my Queen, I was just trying to kill Mamoru!" cried Zoisite.

"THAT'S EVEN WORSE!"

Beryl picked Zoisite up and threw him into the salad bar.

Kunzite charged Nephrite, and tackled him to the floor.

"Why me?!" asked Nephrite.

"Easy target?" shrugged Kunzite.

Molly hit Kunzite over the head with a chair.

"Thanks!" said Nephrite.

"No problemo!" replied Molly. "That was fun!"

Melvin ran up and drop kicked Nephrite. It did nothing.

Nephrite picked Melvin up by the foot and held him upside-down. He started kneeing him in the head while he dangled.

Molly pushed Nephrite. "STOP!"

Nephrite automatically threw a punch, hitting Molly.

"Oops," said Nephrite.

Molly was unconscious.

Grandpa started slugging Mamoru, but Usagi backhanded him and sent him to Hell.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Jadeite. Jadeite dived into Hell after Pauleen. "I won't leave you!"

Zoisite finally recovered and charged Beryl.

Beryl blocked his attack and put Zoisite in an eternal sleep.

Now Kunzite was really mad.

Kunzite stopped exchanging blows with Mamoru and charged Beryl.

Beryl saw him coming and threw a crystal, but Kunzite threw a wild breadstick that he had stashed in his tuxedo. It tore through her crystal and penetrated her heart.

She shattered into a billion pieces.

The waiter came back with the bill.

Everyone turned and charged the waiter.

Nephrite pummeled him with Melvin's corpse, and Mamoru shot a rose through his heart. He was no more.

Kunzite grabbed Nephrite with one hand and Mamoru with the other. He slammed their heads together until they were unconscious.

Melvin used the last bit of his energy to throw a punch at Kunzite.

It hit him in his weak spot, and he dissolved to dust.

"Neato!" said Melvin.

Nephrite regained consciousness just long enough to kill Melvin.

Usagi pulled out the Moon Wand and killed Nephrite.

She looked at the ruins of the restaurant, walked over to the tip jar, and left ten cents.

She went home.

FIN


	96. The Lamp Killer

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Can it, Jadeite, and make me a bowl of popcorn! It's movie night!" replied Beryl.

"Oh boy!" said Jadeite. "We haven't had a movie night since the Silver Millennium!"

He scurried off to make a bowl of popcorn.

Beryl pulled out her phone and called Nephrite.

"Nephrite, hop on over! We're watching a movie!"

"No way," said Nephrite.

"Nephrite, that wasn't a question."

"Well too bad, I'm not coming!"

Nephrite hung up.

Beryl redialed.

"Nephrite, I swear, if you don't come over here…"

"You'll do what?" asked Nephrite.

"I'll kill you!"

"You would have to get off your throne for that," sneered Nephrite.

"No, I killed Jadeite sitting down!"

"You raise a valid argument," considered Nephrite. "But I'm still not coming to your lair."

"Tartar sauce," said Beryl.

She hung up and called Kunzite. "Kunzite, go fetch Nephrite."

Kunzite sighed. "Zoisite, go fetch Nephrite."

"I don't know about that," said Zoisite.

"Why not?" asked Kunzite. "Nephrite's a weakling."

"Maybe for you… But compared to me, Nephrite is a superb fighter!"

"Then just annoy until him until he leaves his house!"

"AWwwwww yea!"

Zoisite appeared at Nephrite's house.

"Omnomnomnom I'm getting crumbs everywhere!" he told Nephrite while eating a crumpet.

"Go away," said Nephrite.

"Look, the ants are already coming!"

"No, stop!" cried Nephrite.

"Oops I dropped my whole crumpet on the floor! A rat's coming in to get it!"

Nephrite started crying. "My beautiful mansion! Alright, I'll do what you want!"

"Give me the Silver Crystal!"

"I don't have it," said Nephrite.

"Darnit, then go do whatever Beryl wants."

Nephrite teleported to Beryl's.

"This is for defying my orders!" howled Beryl. She fired a blast at him.

He caught it.

"That was just a warning," warned Beryl.

"You're gonna have to try harder than that," said Nephrite.

"Nah," said Beryl. "I'll let you off easy. Now go plug in my DVD player!"

Nephrite plugged in the player.

"Oh yeah," said Beryl. "I don't have a TV. Can I borrow yours?"

"Grrrrrr!" yelled Nephrite. He warped in his TV. "Be careful with it!"

"Oh yeah also we need a sofa," remembered Beryl.

"GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!" yelled Nephrite. He warped in his sofa.

"You're a good member of the team," said Beryl.

"Can it," said Nephrite.

Beryl hurled herself onto the sofa. "Come along, boys!"

Jadeite snuggled up close to Beryl.

"Jadeite, where's my popcorn?"

"Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit," cried Jadeite. He fled for the microwave.

Kunzite slid in and took a seat.

Everyone else got on Nephrite's sofa as well.

Jadeite walked back in with his head down. "The popcorn was pulverized."

Kunzite spawned in some popcorn. "Bozo," he said.

"Anyone want to buy a box of Dollar Tree candy from me?" asked Zoisite.

"Sure," said Beryl.

"That will be $4.50."

"Do you want an eternal sleep?" asked Beryl.

"I was just trying to provide the movie theater experience."

"So what are we watching?" asked Jadeite.

"It's called, the Lamp Killer!"

"Huh?" said Kunzite. "That's the lamest title I've ever heard."

"What's it about?" asked Nephrite.

"It's about a killer who uses lamps to beat people to death!"

"Oh boy!" said Zoisite. "Sounds like fun!"

"Sounds scary!" said Jadeite.

"Oh, it is," said Beryl. "It's said to be the scariest movie ever!"

Jadeite gulped.

* * *

They were 45 minutes into the movie, and Kunzite was fast asleep. Zoisite was bored out of his skull. Nephrite was chortling loudly each time someone died. Jadeite, however, was on the edge of his seat, shaking life a leaf.

Queen Beryl was staring wide-eyed in horror.

"Oh no," she gasped. The echoes of the murder victims rang in her head. "Do you see that?!" she cried. "That girl's a goner!"

"Huh?" asked Zoisite.

Beryl started to cry. "It's coming any second… I can't stand the anticipation!"

"Me neither!" cried Jadeite as the Jaws theme played in the background.

He wrapped himself around Nephrite. "Hold me!" he cried.

Nephrite slugged him. "Get your hands off me!"

Jadeite tried again.

"RRRR BACK OFF!" howled Nephrite, waking up Kunzite.

Kunzite looked around for a second, and then fell back to sleep.

"This is bad," said Beryl.

"I know, right?" said Zoisite. "This movie's awful."

"No, are you seeing what I'm seeing?!"

Jadeite put on his glasses. "I don't think so."

"That lamp… the girl doesn't see it yet, but it's unplugged!"

"So?" asked Nephrite.

"So?!" replied Beryl in dismay. "So it's still on, even though it's unplugged!"

"So?" repeated Nephrite.

"THAT'S THE SIGNATURE MOVE OF THE LAMP KILLER! SHE'S A GONER!"

Right on cue, the Lamp Killer burst in and beat the girl to death with the lamp.

Nephrite let out a hardy laugh. "LMAOOOOO what a joke!" he slapped his knee.

Jadeite and Beryl screamed. "DID YOU HEAR THAT?!"

"That was me slapping my knee!" explained Nephrite.

"Jadeite, quick!" cried Beryl. "Make sure all our lamps are plugged in."

"Yessir!" yelled Jadeite. Three minutes later he returned. "Queen Beryl… we don't have any lamps!"

"Good, good!" said Beryl. "But wait! The TV produces light!"

"So?" asked Zoisite.

"So, it can double as a lamp! Quick, Jadeite, check if it's plugged in!"

Jadeite threw himself on the floor. "We're all good, my queen!"

"I don't trust it!" howled Beryl. "It can unplug itself any minute! Dispose of it at once!"

Nephrite was laughing hysterically at their pathetic display. Then he stopped. "Hey, wait, what are you doing with my TV?!"

Jadeite threw it out the window.

"WTF!" yelled Nephrite. "That's it, I'm going home!"

"I was watching that," said Zoisite sadly.

Kunzite awoke then. "Yeah this is lame, let's go."

They all went home.

* * *

Beryl brushed her teeth and then went into her bedroom.

"Haha, a lamp killer. How silly," she told herself.

She laid down in her bed and put the blankets on. "I don't see why anyone thinks that movie is scary!"

She turned off her bedside table lamp.

She was silent for a few moments.

Then she turned it back on and frantically checked to see if it was still plugged in.

"Phew," she said.

She tried to go to sleep.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" she screamed. She threw herself onto the ground and started spazzing out. In her ruckus, she knocked the lamp off the table.

She reached for the phone to call the Shitennou. But instead of grabbing the telephone, she found herself face to face with an unplugged lamp.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGHGHGHGHGHGHAHAGHAHGAHNGAHHAGHAGH!"

She warped to her throne room and teleported everyone in at once.

"What do you want, Beryl?" yawned Zoisite angrily. "It's 2AM!"

Nephrite was still sound asleep on the floor.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Jadeite, startled by the sudden teleport. "IT'S THE LAMP KILLER!"

He threw a punch at Kunzite. It had no effect.

"No Jadeite, it's not the Lamp Killer!" said Beryl. "Not yet…"

Kunzite sighed. "Please tell me you're not scared of that joke of a movie."

Beryl started sweating.

"LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL SHE IS!" yelled Zoisite.

"Zoisite, you'd be dead right now if I didn't need all the protection I could get from the Lamp Killer!"

"LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!" laughed Zoisite.

Nephrite woke up and started to chuckle. "Let me guess."

"No, no guessing!" shouted Beryl. "I just want to get some sleep. Once it's day again, I'll realize this whole thing is just nonsense. It's just my tiredness playing tricks on me, that's all!"

"Lol what?" asked Kunzite.

"Guard me while I sleep!" howled Beryl. "There's only four hours until the North Pole sun rises, so that's an hour of guarding for each of you. Once day breaks, we're in the clear, for the Lamp Killer only attacks at night!"

Beryl dragged her first victim, Kunzite, into her bedroom.

"Watch me sleep!" she howled, drifting off.

Kunzite hopped on a stool. "I won't let you down."

Kunzite's hour passed, and Kunzite woke up. "Crap, did I fall asleep? Is Beryl okay?"

He turned around and heard Beryl's snoring. "Good, good," said Kunzite. He got up and left.

Nephrite tagged in.

He sat down and texted Molly. "Hey girl… u up?"

"I am now," replied Molly after ten minutes.

"Watcha up to?" texted Nephrite.

"Well, I was sleeping," said Molly.

"Oh. Cool," said Nephrite. "Have you ever seen the Lamp Killer?"

"No," replied Molly.

"Good, you shouldn't," said Nephrite. "It's bad."

"Now I'm kind of curious," was Molly's response.

"No, don't do it," replied Nephrite. "It's a waste of an hour and a half."

Nephrite and Molly texted for a full hour. Once his time was up, he let out a groan. "I'm going back to bed."

Zoisite came in. "Would Beryl know if I just went home?"

"Yes," said Beryl in her sleep.

"Uh oh," said Zoisite.

He sat on the stool.

"Kunzite, you up?" he texted.

There was no response.

"Kunzite?" he texted again.

"Kunzite?" he texted again.

Finally after 25 texts, Kunzite responded.

"What?" he texted.

"Are you asleep?" texted Zoisite.

"Yes," said Kunzite. He blocked Zoisite's number and went back to bed.

Zoisite spent the rest of his shift playing Angry Birds.

"Good luck Jed," he said, passing Jadeite on the way out.

Jadeite was still shaking. "I will protect my queen!" he vowed.

He went in and sat down.

He looked around nervously.

"It's okay Jed, nothing will happen," Jadeite told himself. "Only one hour until daybreak… there's no way the Lamp Killer would cut it this close! Besides, I made sure to throw out all the lamps Beryl had in here!"

Suddenly, Jadeite turned around and saw a lamp he had never seen before.

"No…" he said, his body going cold. All the color drained from his face. "I… I know I threw them all out! I checked twice!"

Suddenly, the light flashed on. But there was no cord!

"No… no…. no… NO….. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Jadeite ran out the door screaming.

Beryl stirred in her sleep but did not awake.

Jadeite was running down the Negaverse hall, when another lamp appeared in front of him.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Jadeite. He burst into tears.

He started rolling around on the ground crying.

"HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!" laughed Zoisite. "I got you good, man! Smile for YouTube!"

Jadeite started crying even more.

"Ok now I kind of feel bad," said Zoisite. "Will you stop crying if I promise not to put it on YouTube?"

"Maybe," sniffled Jadeite.

"There, there," said Zoisite.

Nephrite and Kunzite appeared then.

"I heard Jadeite screaming from my Earth house," said Nephrite. "Is he okay? Not that I care."

"I think so…" said Zoisite. "Right, Jadeite?"

Jadeite continued to sob.

They stood Jadeite up.

"Come on, Jadeite, there's no Lamp Killer! It's just a movie!" reassured Kunzite.

"I guess you're right," sniffled Jadeite. "We should go check on Beryl though… she'll be mad if she sees us not in there."

They walked in Beryl's room and gasped.

She was being beaten to death by a man with a lamp.

"AHHHHHHH!" cried Jadeite. He fled.

"That's it!" yelled Kunzite, charging.

He slugged the Lamp Killer, but the Lamp Killer smacked him with a lamp.

Kunzite went flying and hit the wall painfully.

"What's in that lamp?!" he groaned. "Barbells?!"

Nephrite went up and drop-kicked the Lamp Killer.

The Lamp Killer absorbed it with a lamp and then made Nephrite suffer a similar fate to Kunzite.

While the Lamp Killer was distracted, Zoisite teleported behind him and pulled off his mask.

"GRANDPA?!" yelled Zoisite

"Aww shucks," said Grandpa. "Ya got me. I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling Negaverse!"

"Well, I'm just relieved that it was you, and not an actual killer," said Zoisite.

"That's where you're wrong," said a mysterious voice.

They all turned and saw a lamp sitting there. It was on, but it was not plugged in.

"Zoisite, it's not funny!" sighed Jadeite, reentering.

"It's not me!" cried Zoisite.

"Grandpa, it's not funny!" sighed Jadeite.

"It's not me!" exclaimed Grandpa.

Suddenly, the lamp flung itself at Jadeite. It wrapped its cord around his neck and started choking him.

"NOOOOO!" yelled Jadeite.

Zoisite tried to cut the lamp cord, but only got electrocuted and flung into Grandpa.

"Yuck," said Zoisite.

"Mmmmmm," said Grandpa.

Nephrite ripped the lamp off Jadeite with brute strength.

"Thanks!" said Jadeite.

Jadeite and Nephrite delivered many blows to the lamp, and Kunzite finished it off.

"Now let's see who's under that lamp shade," said Kunzite, taking off its lamp shade.

"BERYL!?" everyone gasped.

"I can explain," said Beryl. "Everyone doubted me and made fun of me."

"I didn't!" cried Jadeite.

"You're nothing," said Beryl.

Jadeite frowned.

"I just wanted to be right and prove you all wrong," sighed Beryl.

"Then that means…" they said, taking off the mask of the Beryl that was in the bed.

"GRANDPA?!" they gasped.

"Then that means…"

They took off Grandpa's mask, revealing a cross-eyed lobster.

The lobster shrugged.

"Are you mad at me?" Beryl asked, ashamed.

"I mean, kind of," said Zoisite.

"Nah," said Kunzite. "We forgive you."

"Really?" asked Beryl.

"No," said Kunzite.

He charged Beryl.

FIN


	97. Kunzite Catches A Wave

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Well, Jadeite-"

Suddenly, there was a rumbling coming from outside.

"Is that an earthquake?" asked Beryl in shock.

"Up in the North Pole?" exclaimed Jadeite.

Just then, the palace doors swung open, and Kunzite road in on a huge wave. His surf board slid across the ground until he was standing up next to Jadeite.

"What's up, my dudes?" asked Kunzite.

"WTF?!" demanded Beryl.

"That's gnarly, brah!" replied Kunzite.

"What's gotten into you?" asked Beryl.

* * *

Earlier that day…

"It's over for you, Sailor Scouts!" howled Kunzite. He started throwing boomerangs like a wild-man. He took out Ami.

"Hand over the Silver Crystal!" Kunzite shouted.

"Not in your life, surfer boy!" yelled Sailor Jupiter.

* * *

"So yeah, I decided to embrace my life as a surfer boy," explained Kunzite. "Because ya know, that insult really hit home."

"That's so cool," said Jadeite, his eyes huge. "I want to be like you someday."

"Maybe when you're older, kiddo," said Kunzite.

Jadeite's eyes turned into hearts and then he floated two feet off the ground.

"That's great and all," said Queen Beryl. "But you still need to get that Silver Crystal! Also, you have to come to my Bingo game this afternoon."

"Sorry," said Kunzite. "But not sorry. The waves are calling me. I have to win the surfing championship!"

Another wave flew in and casted Kunzite away.

"That was weird," said Beryl.

"That was awesome," said Jadeite.

"Do you want an eternal sleep?" asked Beryl.

"Would that make Kunzite think I'm cool?" asked Jadeite.

"No."

"Then, no thanks!"

Just then, Zoisite teleported in in a frenzy.

"Have any of you seen Kunzite?! He's been gone for three days!"

"He's one with the waves now," explained Jadeite.

Zoisite fell to the ground. "NOoooooooOOOO!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Kunzite stood in line for the surfing tournament.

"You won't be able to pull off a hang 10," said a voice. "I bet you can't even hang five!"

"Who said that?!" howled Kunzite. He spun around and spotted none other than Mamoru R. Chiba.

"CHIBAAAA!" Kunzite barked.

"KUNZIIIIIIITE!" howled Mamoru.

They had a stare down, as lightning sparked between their eyes.

"You don't stand a chance, Tuxedo Moron!" yelled Kunzite.

"Can it, blondie!" yelled Mamoru.

Kunzite was stumped. "I thought… I thought my hair was white…"

He sat down in the sand while Mamoru gloated.

"Up next… number 24!" called the announcer.

Kunzite stepped forward.

"Break a leg," suggested Mamoru.

"I'll break one of yours!" barked Kunzite.

"I'll tell Beryl on you, if you do that," warned Mamoru.

Kunzite sat back down in the sand.

* * *

"Do you think this dress makes my butt look big?" asked Beryl, stepping out of the mall dressing room.

"Yes," said Zoisite.

Nephrite nudged him.

Queen Beryl gasped.

"What?!" cried Zoisite. "I thought you wanted to know honestly! There are many better options for you to buy!"

Everyone stared at Zoisite, while tension loomed in the air.

"Ok fine, you look great in it!" Zoisite lied.

"Thank you," said Beryl, putting down her ball.

"I'll take 20," she told the clerk.

They left the store with five bags of the same terrible outfit.

"Carry my bags!" she barked.

"Why do we have to!?" cried Jadeite in dismay. "We can warp them back to the palace!"

Queen Beryl sighed. "With Kunzite gone, I need someone to be my yesman. That comes with carrying my bags so I look rich to all the other mall-goers."

"Yeah, I get that," said Jadeite. "But-"

"No buts!" howled Beryl. "Now let's go to Build-a-Bear Workshop!"

Nephrite, Jadeite, and Zoisite all trudged behind Beryl carrying three bags each.

* * *

Kunzite jumped on his ten foot long surfboard and swam into the water. The judges all watched him intensely. As he swam towards where the waves were forming, he felt his surfboard being weighed down.

He turned to see Mamoru lounging on the back of it.

"Mind if I catch a ride?" asked Mamoru.

Kunzite pushed him off.

"AHHHH MY TUXEDO GOT WET!" cried Mamoru. "And the water's cold!"

"Haha," laughed Kunzite. He swam away.

He waited out there for 50 minutes, but there were no waves. The judges were getting sleepy.

* * *

Queen Beryl took her seat next to the Shitennou holding a large popcorn and a soda the size of Chibi-usa.

"So what are we watching?" asked Jadeite.

"And why do we have to come?" complained Zoisite.

"It's this drama about this guy who has his whole family die and then he dies," explained Beryl. "It's really sad."

"Sounds hilarious!" chortled Nephrite.

"And I need you guys to pass me tissues whenever I start to cry because movies like this always make me tear up."

"Just thinking about it is already making me start to cry," whimpered Jadeite, wiping his eyes with a tissue.

"Grow a backbone!" barked Nephrite, punching Jadeite in the arm.

He started sobbing more.

"STOP USING ALL MY TISSUES!" howled Beryl.

The movie began and Queen Beryl shushed them, despite her being the one screaming at the top of her lungs.

"So who's the girl?" asked Beryl.

"How would we know?" asked Zoisite.

"Aren't you paying attention?" demanded Beryl.

"Aren't you?" asked Zoisite.

Queen Beryl picked up her ball, and it started to light up.

"Hey, turn off your phone!" yelled someone from behind.

Beryl turned to the guy and lifted her ball. She put him in an eternal sleep.

"Wait, what happened while I was distracted?" asked Beryl.

"Nothing," said Nephrite.

"I don't think it was nothing. Who's this new guy?"

"They didn't explain yet," said Nephrite. "She's just meeting him."

"So something did happen, you lying scum!" yelled Beryl.

"No," said Jadeite. "It's still happening."

"Who's the girl?" repeated Beryl.

"It's the same one," said Zoisite.

"Which one?"

"The one from the beginning. The main character."

"What's her name?"

"They haven't said yet."

"Is she the one that dies?" asked Beryl.

"We don't know yet," repeated Nephrite.

"PAY ATTENTION!" she howled. "Also, my popcorn doesn't have enough butter. Can you go complain for me?"

All three Shitennou sighed.

* * *

It's been three hours, and there still hadn't been a wave.

Kunzite floated in the water.

"The surfer's life is all it cracked up to be," he said confidently.

Just then, he felt a bob in the water.

"Is this… is this what I think it is?!"

In the distance, he could barely make out the beginning of a wave.

"This is my chance!" exclaimed Kunzite. "Judges, wake up!"

He hopped on his surfboard, ready to ride the wave.

He started doggy paddling towards it.

Suddenly, the wave reached its peak and rose 50 feet in the air.

"AWWW YEAAAA!" yelled Kunzite. He hopped on his board and started riding the wave like a pro.

But just then, a new rival approached him. It was none other than Chiba.

"Hey, can I cop some wave?" called Mamoru.

"NO!" howled Kunzite. "Stealing a man's wave is worse than stealing his mother!"

"It's okay, because I've done both!" taunted Chiba.

"CHIBAAAAAAAA!" yelled Kunzite.

He tilted his board towards Chiba, and slowly drifted towards him.

Mamoru did crazy flips on his board to avoid being knocked off.

The judges all applauded him.

"NO!" cried Kunzite. "He's stealing my wave, and my audience!"

Kunzite body-slammed him, and Mamoru almost fell off his surfboard. But instead, he caught himself on his hands, and did a handstand while hanging 10.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Kunzite.

He lunged off his board at Mamoru in an attempt to tackle him down. But Mamoru was too swift, and leaped over Kunzite and onto his board.

Kunzite was confused when he found himself standing on Mamoru's board, but then he spotted Mamoru on his own board doing a head-spin while riding the wave.

He tossed a boomerang at Mamoru, splitting the board in two.

But unfortunately, the board was already 10 ft long, so Mamoru continued riding on a 5 ft chunk. This allowed him to be even more nimble.

As they continued to battle for the wave, the form of a shark appeared in the wave's arc.

* * *

Queen Beryl stared angrily at her Bingo card. "They're not calling my numbers!" she scolded.

"I'm sorry," said Jadeite, adjusting his visor. "But there's nothing we can do!"

"That's because you're bad!" howled Beryl. "When Kunzite was here, he would use magic to pull out all the number balls I needed! You should do the same!"

"Ok…" said Nephrite, taking a go at it.

"First, I need B6," said Beryl.

Nephrite concentrated very hard, and tried to locate the B6 ball in the machine. When he thought he had it, he pushed it towards the bottom, but it accidentally pushed out a different ball.

"I26!" yelled the bingo guy.

"NEPHRITE!" cried Beryl. "You're lucky that I needed that one too, but this is your final warning."

"UNO!" cried Jadeite on Beryl's behalf.

"Can it," yelled Beryl. "You're embarrassing me in front of the guys!"

She nervously shot a glance towards the hunksters at the other table.

"Now get me B6, and I will win," said Beryl.

Nephrite was incredibly careful this time, and made sure only the one ball came out.

"B9!" called the Bingo guy.

"Shit!" cried Nephrite. "It looked like B6 from over here!"

"SON OF A BERYL!" howled Beryl.

"BINGO!" yelled Motoki, who was playing at a nearby table.

Beryl shot him dead.

"LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!" she yelled.

Everyone started to panic. They all made a break for the exit.

"Great, now we have to kill all these people," said Beryl sadly.

"Awww!" cried Jadeite, tears forming in his eyes. "This reminds me of that movie we just saw!"

Nephrite charged the gang of people in the bingo place with a sword, and started stabbing them one by one.

A couple of them slipped under the radar, and Beryl got mad.

"Jadeite! Zoisite! Hunt them down!" shouted Beryl.

They teleported after the people. But they were all scattered now.

"Crap, which ones are which!?" cried Jadeite.

"I guess we have to kill everyone!" cried Zoisite.

Zoisite started throwing crystals at everyone in his sight.

"I can't!" cried Jadeite. "The movie!"

Zoisite slapped Jadeite. "Get a hold of yourself!"

Suddenly the police showed up.

"Oh boy," groaned Zoisite, spawning a bundle of crystals.

* * *

"I never liked you, Mamoru!" yelled Kunzite as they battled.

"Of all my Moon Kingdom guardians, you were the worst!" yelled Mamoru.

"How dare you! Wait what?!" asked Kunzite.

Suddenly the shark leapt out of the water.

"Oh no! It demands a human sacrifice!" cried Mamoru.

Kunzite pushed Mamoru into the shark and fled on the wave. He hung 10 all the way to shore, and slid across the sand.

"DID YOU GUYS SEE THAT?!" he yelled.

The judges were asleep.

He snatched the trophy from under their noses and went home.

"I'm da real surfer boy!" he told himself.

* * *

Kunzite walked into Beryl's lair. "So yeah, I guess I finally got that out of my system," he said.

He turned to see all the Shitennou laying on the ground, covered in blood and exhausted.

"What were you guys doing?!" he wondered.

"Kunzite!" cried Zoisite. "Beryl made us do all your work while you were living the surfer boy dream!"

"Aww shucks," said Kunzite. "Was I really gone for that long?"

"You were gone for eight hours," said Jadeite.

"Well, you know what they say," said Kunzite. "Don't trust a noob to do a surfer boy's work!"

A wave flew in and washed away Kunzite.

"Ok guys, who's ready to brush my teeth?" asked Beryl.

Jadeite died, and Nephrite and Zoisite fled and were never seen again.


	98. Jeddy Goes On A Game Show!

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of-"

"JADEITE!" howled Beryl.

"Yes, my queen?" asked Jadeite, shocked.

"Did you think you could trick me?!" screamed Beryl.

"Yes!" cried Jadeite. "I mean no!"

"Jadeite, you have spurned me for the last time! You won't disobey me again!"

"B-but I…" protested Jadeite weakly.

"ENOUGH!" shouted Beryl. She charged up her crystal ball.

"Wait, no!" said Jadeite in a meek voice.

Just then, Kunzite appeared in front of Jadeite.

"Beryl, me boy!" he said upon entering.

Kunzite was hit by the blow. Nothing happened. He narrowed his eyes.

Beryl leaped out of her throne and ran. She tripped and then skittered away like a cat.

"Anyway…" said Kunzite. "We wanted to invite you both to our Go Fish game, but Beryl fled, so do you wanna come, Jadeite?"

"AWwwww YEAHHHH!" said Jadeite.

They teleported to Kunzite's poker room.

"Deal me," said Jadeite.

Nephrite gave him a card.

"Hey, are we playing five or seven? I only got one card!" exclaimed Jadeite.

"What is this?" asked Nephrite. "Australian rules?"

They continued the game.

"Do you have…" began Jadeite.

"Go fish!" yelled Zoisite.

"You didn't know what I was gonna say!" protested Jadeite.

"I didn't have to, I don't have it."

"Well you have some cards," said Jadeite. "So there is a chance you have something I was going to ask for."

"Proof?"

"But I- but he- but we…" Jadeite sat down on the floor.

"My turn," said Kunzite. "Anyone have a queen of Beryls?"

"Go fish," said Nephrite.

"Hey…" realized Zoisite. "Why do all the cards have the Shitennou and Beryl on them?"

Kunzite sighed. "They're a limited addition deck I made by myself. Do you have a problem?"

"No!" said Zoisite. "I think they're good!"

"You better," warned Kunzite.

"Why did you make me so ugly?" demanded Nephrite, staring at the jack of Nephrites.

"I made it perfectly accurate," said Kunzite.

"But I don't think- Heyyyyyyyy!" barked Nephrite, realizing he was being insulted. "You just have mediocre drawing skills!"

Kunzite gasped. "Say that to my face!"

"I just did!" howled Nephrite.

They were about to slug it out, which would have resulted in an unfortunate conclusion to Nephrite, when Jadeite came running into the room.

"Wait wtf?" asked Zoisite. "You were sitting on the floor! Jadeite, did you crawl out of the room just so you could run in?"

"Maybe…" said Jadeite. "But that's not important! What is, is that we're going on Family Feud!"

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" yelled Nephrite. "But wait, we don't have families! Am I going on with Molly's family? Ya know, cuz we're an item?"

"Nope, we ARE a family!" insisted Jadeite. "We will represent the Negaverse!"

"Do we have to?" asked Zoisite.

"Yes. This was Queen Beryl's idea!"

"I don't think so," said Kunzite.

"I may have persuaded her a little bit, but that's beside the point," said Jadeite.

* * *

Earlier that day

"Beryl why do we only have two channels?" cried Jadeite watching TV in the Negalounge.

"Do you know how hard it is to get cable all the way up in the North Pole?!"

"But the only things on are Sailor Moon Crystal and Family Feud."

"NO DON'T WATCH CRYSTAL IT SUUUUUUUUUUCKS"

"Ok! Ok!"

Jadeite switched to Family Feud.

After 20 minutes Jadeite turned to Beryl who was sitting on the company computer looking at pictures of Mamoru.

"Beryl can we go on Family Feud?"

"No!" barked Beryl.

"But Beryl if you win they give you a free Ford Falcon Station Wagon!"

Beryl turned to Jadeite and glared at him.

50 minutes later Beryl nodded slowly.

"Let's do it"

* * *

They walked onto the stage of Family Feud.

"Break a leg," Jadeite told them.

"Who's leg do you want me to break?" asked Beryl. "Zoisite's?"

"No Beryl, it's just an expression," explained Jadeite.

"What's an expression? Is that a new source of energy?"

"No," said Jadeite.

"Then shut your mouth!" howled Beryl.

"Welcome to the show!" said the host, Seiya. "On my right is the Negaverse family. Say hello, Negaverse family!"

The Negaverse family scowled at him.

"Ok… and on my left, the Hino family! Introduce yourselves!" suggested Seiya.

"I am Grandpa!" said Grandpa. "Pleased to meetcha!"

"Yaaaa braaa I'm Chad!" said Chad.

"Hidy ho! I'm Melvin!" said Melvin.

"Hey friends, I'm Motoki!"

"CAN IT!" blurted out Jadeite.

"Have we met before?" asked Motoki kindly.

"I'm not sure, but I hate you!" howled Jadeite.

"Hi guys!" yelped a little kitty. "I'm Diana. Meow!"

"You guys don't look related," noted Seiya.

"You don't know shit!" hollered Grandpa. "We're before your time. Get away, you season five trash!"

"I will as soon as my planet's repaired!" yelled Seiya, smoldering in anger. He cooled down. "Now let's get started. The leader of each family should step forward."

Jadeite went to step up, but Beryl shoved him to the floor.

She stepped to the podium, as did Grandpa.

"Alright!" said Seiya. "We surveyed 999 people. The top 5 answers are on the board. The first of you to guess one of those answers will have their family play this round."

"WHAT'S THE QUESTION?!" howled Beryl in anticipation.

Seiya sighed. "The question is, Name a place people dread to go."

Beryl slammed on the button. "My lair when my Shitennou are about to report to me!"

"Ok…" said Seiya. "Is 'work' up there?" One of the answers flipped over. "It is! Team Negaverse gets to play this round!"

"eZ!" scoffed Beryl.

"Aww tartar sauce!" said Gramps.

Seiya walked over to the next member of Team Negaverse, Kunzite. He repeated the question, "Name a place people dread to go."

"Hell," said Kunzite. "It's rough there."

"Is Hell up there?" asked Seiya.

An X flashed on the screen.

"Ooooh sorry," said Seiya.

Seiya went up to Zoisite and began to repeat the question.

"I know, I heard it! Let's see… Texas!" answered Zoisite.

"Why'd you pick Texas?" asked Nephrite.

"They're not too fond of my kind there," said Zoisite in a scared tone.

"Because you're gay?" asked Jadeite.

"HEY!" yelled Zoisite.

"HEY!" yelled Seiya. "There's no shame in that! And transgenders are pretty cool too! I would know!"

But sadly, two X's flashed on the screen.

"How about you?" Seiya asked Nephrite. "Name a place people dread to go."

"Hmm," thought Nephrite. "Alcoholics anonymous!"

"Hahaha," laughed Seiya. "But sorry, it's not up there."

"D'awww," said Nephrite. "I gave it my best shot."

"Alright, now we'll give the Hino family a chance to steal!" announced Seiya.

"WHAT THE BLEEP!" yelled Jadeite, as they bleeped him because it was on live TV. "I didn't get to go!"

"Tough luck," said Zoisite with fake empathy.

"This is wonky!" howled Jadeite.

"Alright, Grandpa. What's your answer?" asked Seiya.

"My basement," said Grandpa with a wink. "Well, if you're a minor, that is!"

"That's not up there," said Seiya.

"Did you check?"

"No. Looks like the Negaverse family gets to keep their one point!"

"AWWWW YEA!" gloated Beryl.

"Ok, next family members to the podium!"

Jadeite made a break for it, but Kunzite sniped him from behind.

Kunzite faced off against Chad.

Seiya gave the question. "When you get out of bed in the middle of the night, name something it's easy to trip over."

Chad slammed down on the button.

"Grandpa laying on the floor near my bed!" guessed Chad.

It was wrong.

"D'aww," said Chad.

Kunzite hit the button. "eZ. The bed."

"That is up there!" said Seiya. "Your family gets to play!"

"Goody!" said Kunzite sarcastically.

Seiya went to Zoisite. "Hey beautiful," said Seiya. He kissed Zoisite's hand. Zoisite blushed.

Kunzite snarled.

"What's your answer?" winked Seiya.

"All seven rainbow crystals that I keep conveniently by my bed!" guessed Zoisite.

Mamoru, who was watching from home, turned off his TV in anger. "GRrrrr, I'll get that Zoisite someday!"

"Aww I'm sorry, but that's wrong," Seiya said sadly. The he winked. "Now if it were up to me-"

"Hey, back off!" yelled Kunzite.

Seiya skittered over to Nephrite.

"A pile of empty alcohol bottles," answered Nephrite.

"Wrong," said Seiya, moving on.

He went the opposite direction and went back to Beryl.

"HEYYYY!" yelled Jadeite. "YOU FORGOT MEEEEEEE!"

Queen Beryl went to answer.

"WHAT THE HELLLLLL?!" cried Jadeite. "Nightstand! Nightstand!" he howled.

"Sorry, it wasn't your turn," said Seiya. "Your team is disqualified this round."

"What the heck, Jadeite!" yelled the Shitennou and Beryl.

"Didn't you see that?!" cried Jadeite. "He blatantly skipped me!"

"Jadeite, you'll be lucky if I skip murdering you," warned Beryl.

Jadeite zipped his lips.

Seiya went over to Melvin. "When you get out of bed in the middle of the night, name something it's easy to trip over."

"My 500 gb external hard drive!" answered Melvin.

Seiya moved on to Motoki.

"The rug!" guessed Motoki.

"CORRECT!"

"Yea, yea, yea!" cheered Motoki, fist-pumping.

"You're a dead man!" howled Jadeite.

"Ok!" announced Seiya. "The two families are neck and neck! The Hinos with 2 points, and the Negaverse with one! Now, the next family members, please come to the front!"

Melvin and Zoisite stepped forward.

"Now for the next question," continued Seiya. "Name a bad job for someone who is accident-prone."

Melvin slammed down on the button instantly, and Zoisite hit it about five seconds later.

"Ok, Zoisite, what's your answer?" asked Seiya.

"WAAAAAAAT?!" squeaked Melvin. "I hit that first!"

"Proof?" asked Seiya.

"I recorded it on my glasses cam!" yelled Melvin.

Seiya smashed his glasses cam.

"Let's see…" pondered Zoisite.

"He's supposed to know it before he hits the button!" shouted Melvin.

"Shut up or I'll hit your button!" yelled Seiya.

"How about, being Nephrite?" answered Zoisite.

"Wait what?" asked Nephrite.

"Hmm," said Seiya. "Did I hear, a surgeon?"

He checked the board.

"You got it right!"

"Oh boy!" said Zoisite.

"Call me," said Seiya.

"No," said Zoisite.

"Then you got it wrong," growled Seiya.

"Ok, maybe I will," said Zoisite.

"Woot!" said Seiya.

"Maybe…"

They went back to their families.

"Ok Nephrite," began Seiya. "Give me your answer. Name a bad job for someone who is accident-prone."

"An alcoholic," answered Nephrite.

"Sorry wrong answer."

"WHAT!?" howled Nephrite. "Are you saying that's not a job? What do you think Beryl pays me for?!"

"Driver! Driver!" yelled Jadeite as Seiya approached him.

Seiya took a sharp U-turn and went to Queen Beryl.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!" squealed Jadeite. "YOU ALL SAW THaT, RIGHT?!"

Everyone ignored his pleas.

"One of my Shitennou," answered Beryl. "Because I will kill them when they mess up."

"Wrong," sighed Seiya.

"A DRIVER!" cried Jadeite.

Seiya went up to Kunzite.

"A police officer," guessed Kunzite.

"Ooohh, that's a good one!" said Zoisite.

"Sorry," barked Seiya in a fit of jealousy. "Not up there."

"You didn't check!" yelled Kunzite.

"Yeah," said Seiya. "Now to the Hino family!"

They convened and whispered to each other.

"Alright," said Melvin. "Our guess is a police officer!"

'"CORRRRRECT!"

"WHAT!?" shouted Kunzite.

"Sorry but you said a fireman. That was not up there."

"No I did not!" objected Kunzite. "Melvin, show him your glasses cam!"

"He broke it!" cried Melvin.

"You're a dead man!" vowed Kunzite.

"As if," sneered Seiya.

"No, I meant Melvin," Kunzite replied.

Seiya moved on.

"Next question, the top five answers are on the board."

Nephrite strolled up to the buzzer with Motoki.

"Good luck!" said Motoki kindly.

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Jadeite from the other side of the stage.

"Name something that people seem to be doing non-stop."

Motoki went in for the button but Nephrite aggressively threw his arm down and pounded the button into the ground.

"Rubbing their balls," said Nephrite.

Seiya's eyes widened.

"You know," Nephrite went on, confused. "Their crystal balls. Like Queen Beryl does all day."

"Umm… yeah I knew that!" lied Seiya. "Sorry, but not up there."

"D'ah," said Nephrite.

"Being kind to each other!" answered Motoki.

"Wrong," said Seiya. "Since neither of you got it right, we'll go to the next member of each family."

"OH BOY!" exclaimed Jadeite. "My answer is-"

"Zoisite!" said Seiya happily. "What's your guess?"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!" yelled Jadeite. "You went backwards!"

"Can it!" yelled Zoisite. "How about…" he shot Nephrite a dirty look. "Drinking!"

"Is eating or drinking up there?" Seiya asked. "Oh boy, eating is!"

"WAIT A SECOND!" squawked Melvin.

Seiya winked at Zoisite and Kunzite gritted his teeth.

Seiya then walked past Kunzite and up to Beryl.

"STOP IT!" yelled Kunzite.

"See what I mean?!" cried Jadeite.

"Stay out of this!" barked Kunzite. "This is personal!"

"Rubbing their balls," guessed Beryl.

"Sorry, someone already guessed that," said Seiya.

"WHO?!" howled Beyrl. "I'll kill them!"

"Were you not paying attention?" asked Kunzite.

"NO!" barked Beryl. "But who said it?"

"I did," said Nephrite.

"Heh heh… never mind then!" said Beryl meekly.

"Actually," said Seiya. "I think Kunzite said it."

"Definitely never mind then!" exclaimed Beryl.

"D'aww," said Seiya. "It was worth a try."

Seiya grinned evilly at Kunzite.

"Do want to step outside for a moment?" asked Kunzite.

"Sorry but I'm hosting," Seiya quickly replied.

Since team Negaverse only had two Xs, Seiya desperately scanned the remaining competitors.

Jadeite stood on his chair and started waving his hand frantically. "OOOOH! ME! PICK ME!" he cried.

"Hmm," scowled Seiya, looking at Kunzite and Jadeite.

Seiya sighed and went to Kunzite.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Jadeite, throwing himself to the ground.

"What's your guess?" Seiya sneered.

"Umm, I think-" contemplated Kunzite.

"WRONG!" howled Seiya, stomping away. "Hino family, steal!"

"We're still discussing," said Grandpa.

They were huddled together.

"I think we should say 'getting killed by me on online role-playing games,'" suggested Melvin.

"You only do 10 damage per second, and your gear is subpar," howled Grandpa.

"Wait what?" asked Melvin, shocked.

"I think," squeaked Diana quietly.

"NO ONE CARES WHAT YOU THINK!" barked Gramps.

"How about, biting their nails!" said Motoki.

"Can it fatboy," said Grandpa. "You already guessed wrong once."

"Can I choose one?" asked Chad.

"Yes," said Grandpa.

"Shyaaa braaaaaaaaaaaaa! How about, spilling mayonnaise on their clothes!"

"That's dumb," said Grandpa.

"Sorry, but that's not up there," said Seiya.

"THAT WASN't OUR GUESS" cried Gramps desperately. "We were just discussing!"

"Moving on," continued Seiya. "The teams are now 2:2!"

"Alright," said Seiya. "Since this is the fifth round, the family member who has not come to the podium yet will now proceed to the front stage."

Jadeite started prancing to the stage victoriously, but Beryl teleported in front of him.

"WHAT GIVES?!" cried Jadeite.

Beryl pushed him to the floor.

"WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!?" yelled Jadeite.

Diana the cat stepped forward as well.

"Here is the question," began Seiya. "We surveyed 100 evil creatures, and the top four answers are on the board. Name a new source of energy!"

The Negaverse family gasped.

Diana had a brilliant one, and she went to push the button. But she was too small and could not reach.

Beryl hit the button.

"Uhhhhhhhhhhh…"

Seiya waited.

"I know this!" insisted Beryl. "Now think," she told herself. "I know this one."

Beryl had a flashback.

* * *

"Queen Beryl!" cried Jadeite.

"What do you want, Jeddy?" asked Beryl.

"I found a new source of energy! It's this thing the humans call…"

"Hmm," thought Beryl in the flashback. "I should get a manicure today. Maybe go to the spa. But which spa is cheaper? Polly's or Gloria's? Hmmm…"

"And then," continued Jadeite. "We will extract the energy from…."

"Actually, maybe I'll just stay in and order out some Chinese," thought Beryl. "There's a new place that opened up down the street."

"So do you think that's a good plan, m'Queen?" asked Jadeite.

"Huh?" asked Beryl. "Oh yeah, whatever. Go for it!"

Jadeite skipped from the room.

* * *

"DAMMIT!" thought Beryl in present time. "If only Jadeite wasn't so boring and I actually payed attention to his new sources of energy!"

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….."

"You have three seconds," warned Seiya.

"SUNSPOTS ON THE SUN!" cried Beryl, out of options.

"Huh?" asked Seiya. "Those are harmless."

"Crap!" said Beryl.

"Diana, what's your guess?"

Diana squeaked something incoherently. It was too quiet and high-pitched for anyone to pick up.

"Sorry but wrong," said Seiya. "Since I couldn't understand."

"Golly gee," said Diana in frustration. "Guess I came here for diddly doo!"

Kunzite was next.

"Phew," said Beryl in relief. "Kunzite, my most reliable Shitennou, will definitely get this right."

"Uhh… princess school?" guessed Kunzite.

"Wrong."

"AHHHH!" howled Beryl. "YOU LET ME DOWN!"

"You didn't do much better," noted Kunzite.

"Yeah, but this is the one thing you're supposed to know!"

"Actually I was assigned to-"

"GAHHHH I DON't WANNA HEAR IT!"

Next was Grandpa.

"Coming into my basement alone," answered Grandpa. "You kids should try it sometime!" He looked straight at the camera with a devious grin.

"No," said Seiya. "Heyyyyyyyy Zoisite! How ya been!"

"You mean since that last time we talked, like 2 minutes ago?" asked Zoisite.

"ayyyyyyyy can I get that number yet?"

"No," said Zoisite.

Seiya looked up to the ceiling solemnly. "Someday," he vowed. "So what's your guess?"

"Come on Zoisite," thought Beryl. "You know this!"

"Get out of my head!" cried Zoisite. "Sorry. My answer is… Fake Sailor Moon!"

"Ooooooo so close," said Seiya sadly.

He went to Chad.

"SHYAAAA YAA ABRAHHH !" yelled Chad.

Seiya moved on to Nephrite.

"Hmmmm" said Nephrite.

Beryl was starting to get mad. "Don't any of you know how to do your job?!"

Jadeite was starting to get frantic. "I KNOW THIS ONEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"Everything is ruled by the stars," said Nephrite.

"That's not the answer," said Seiya.

"That's always the answer!" holwed Nephrite.

Jadeite threw himself to the floor again. "WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII KNOOOOOOOOOW THIS ONEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Next was Melvin.

"Mana regeneration pot," guessed Melvin, adjusting his glasses. "In most online games, it will give the imbiber energy as well as mana."

Seiya moved back to Beryl.

Jadeite spontaneously combusted.

"Killing them!" cried Beryl after long deliberation.

"Has anyone guessed friendship yet?" asked Motoki.

"Hairdresser!" yelled Kunzite.

"Seriously, come to my basement!" repeated Grandpa. "There are free cookies!"

Jadeite spun around on the floor, biting his nails.

"Killing Mamoru Chiba!" yelled Zoisite.

"You better not do that!" threatened Beryl.

"Sure I won't!" lied Zoisite.

Jadeite threw himself into the wall and started punching it.

"Listen to mah band brahhhhhhh!" howled Chad.

"Maxfield Stanton?" asked Nephrite.

"My cranberry shrimp cabobs!" yelped Melvin.

Jadeite latched onto Seiya's leg, but Seiya kicked him away and went back to Beryl.

"Hmmm," said Beryl. "Crystal ball?"

"Giving to the needy!" yelled Motoki.

"Alright, I guess no one has an answer. This is a first in Family Fued history," said Seiya, amazed. "We've already cycled through twice, anyone wanna take another guess?"

Jadeite charged Seiya. They flew up into the air, but in a shocking and unprecedented turn of events, Seiya tackled Jadeite.

Jadeite fell into the water and a list of new sources of energy floated to the surface.

"Ok, moving on to the next question," said Seiya. "Oh," realized Seiya. "There is no next question. Let me consult the guidebook."

He took out his spectacles. "Hmmm… it says here that when there is a tie, the score is settled with a coin flip!"

"Welp," said Seiya. "Here we go!"

"You know what to do," said Zoisite, turning to Kunzite.

"Pick a side," Seiya asked Zoisite with a wink.

"Heads!"

"Ok!"

Seiya flipped the coin. It landed on tails.

Beryl turned to Kunzite.

Kunzite flipped it over with magic.

"HEADS!" cried Seiya. "TEAM NEGAVERSE WINS!"

"WHAT!?" yelped Melvin. "I DEMAND A RECOUNT!"

"Get lost dweeb," said Seiya.

Melvin got lost.

The Hino team left in sadness.

Grandpa gave Chad a good beating when he got back to the temple.

Diana went to the future and never came back. "Uncivilized prehistoric mongloids," she sneered.

Motoki returned to the arcade sadly.

"Ok, now the double bonus round!" exclaimed Seiya. "We will give two family members a chance to answer five questions in 30 seconds. If they can get to a combined 200 points, they win a million dollars!"

"Who wants to go first?" asked Seiya, looking at Zoisite and wiggling his eyebrows.

Jadeite slowly raised his hand.

Beryl smacked Jadeite's hand with her staff. "I'll go," said Beryl.

"K." said Seiya.

The timer started, and Seiya read the questions.

"Name the strongest character in Sailor Moon."

"Queen Beryl," said Queen Beryl.

"Name a fruit starting with the letter P."

"Potato," said Beryl.

"Name someone you don't want coming to your family reunion."

"My Shitennou," said Beryl.

"Name something you might say to an unwanted guest."

"Sleep FOREVER!"

"And finally, name a gem starting with B."

"Shit," said Beryl. "Um…. Ummmm…."

"Your time is up," said Seiya. "Let's tally up the points…. You got one!"

"YAAYYYYYY!" screamed Beryl. "Did I win?"

"Not yet, but you can if the next family member gets 199 points!"

"Oh boy!" said Beryl. Then she looked at her family. "Oh no!" said Beryl.

"Who will be the last person to go?" Seiya asked.

"MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" yelled Jadeite, lunging for the stand.

The other three Shitennou ran up too.

Nephrite grabbed Jadeite by the foot and pulled him back, but Jadeite bit his hand, stunning him and allowing Jadeite to advance.

Jadeite body-slammed Zoisite to the floor.

"Hey!" yelled Kunzite.

"Hey!" yelled Seiya.

Kunzite climbed to the stand, but Jadeite tackled him to the ground. He punched Kunzite in the face repeatedly until he was unconscious.

Jadeite took his rightful stand on the podium.

"You know," said Seiya. "I don't like all this roughhousing in here. I think ima have to disqualify you."

Jadeite's vision went red.

"You have been mistreating me this whole competition. I will not stand for it," he vowed.

His glared penetrated Seiya's soul, and Seiya could resist no longer. "Alright, you can go."

"WHOPPEEEEEEEEEEEE!" yelled Jadeite.

Seiya read the questions.

"Name the strongest character in Sailor Moon."

"Umm,… ummm….." Jadeite began to sputter. "Ummm….. Beryl!"

"NOPE," said Seiya. "That has already guessed."

"Ummmmmm…um….. ummm.. .."

Jadeite folded under pressure.

"Zoisite!" he cried desperately.

"Aww thanks," said Zoisite.

Beryl groaned. "We've lost, guys."

"Name a fruit starting with the letter P," Seiya continued.

"Pass!" cried Jadeite.

"That's not a fruit," said Seiya.

"No, I mean pass! Stop wasting my time!"

"Ok, ok," said Seiya. "Umm, where did I put that next question?

Jadeite started gnawing on the stand. The timer continued to count down.

"Oh here it is! Name someone you don't want coming to your family reunion."

"But I don't have a family!" cried Jadeite.

"We're your family!" said Beryl desperately.

"But I love all of you!" said Jadeite.

"Just pick someone!" yelled Beryl.

"Ok, Queen Beryl!" Jadeite picked.

"You're a dead man!" howled Beryl.

"Name something you might say to an unwanted guest."

"UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!" Jadeite sputtered. "Sleep forever?"

"Already guessed."

"Ummm… pass!"

"And finally, name a gem starting with B."

"I know this one!" cried Jadeite.

"Time's up," said Seiya.

"Dammit," said Jadeite. "Alright, how many points did I get?"

"Zero."

"Hmm," said Jadeite. "And how many did I need to win?"

"199."

"D'ah," said Jadeite. "At least we all had fun!"

"Hah, maybe they had fun," laughed Seiya. "But you didn't even get to play until the end, and then you failed!"

Suddenly, one of Jadeite's veins popped.

He charged Seiya, yelling, "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

He threw a punch, but Seiya caught it with minimal effort.

He finished off Jadeite with one kick.

"Get out!" yelled Seiya. "All of you! LOOOOOSERRRRS!"

Nephrite charged.

He kicked Seiya into a wall, and blasted him with stars.

Seiya was in a peril state.

"There's only one option left," realized Seiya. "Turn off the cameras."

"You sure?" asked the cameraman.

"I've never been more sure in my life."

"Quit begging for mercy and face me!" yelled Nephrite.

"Star Power, Make-UP!" yelled Seiya. He became a woman and transformed into Sailor Star Fighter.

"Woah!" said Zoisite. "How did you do that? Can I do that?"

"No, you've spurned me for the last time!" yelled Seiya.

He shot Star Serious Laser at Nephrite, and burnt him to a crisp.

"WHO'S NEXT?!" yelled Seiya.

Kunzite took a step behind Zoisite and pushed him forward.

"Hey, what the Hell!?" cried Zoisite.

"Try reasoning with him! He still loves you deep down! Pretend to be interested in him!"

"But that would be cheating!" exclaimed Zoisite.

"Yeah, cheating death!" said Kunzite. "Now go!"

"Hey baby," said Zoisite flirtatiously.

"It's too late for that!" yelled Seiya.

He shot another Serious Laser, and Zoisite teleported to the side.

"I guess I have no choice," said Zoisite. He shot petals and they turned into needles.

"Tee hee," laughed Star Fighter. "That ticked!"

"Uh oh," said Zoisite.

Sailor Star Fighter became a shooting star and charged Zoisite with the fury of a thousand broken hearts.

As she zipped under where Zoisite was floating, she reached up and grabbed his foot and threw him into the ground.

"Alright, that's it," said Kunzite, rolling up his sleeves. "This one's for Zoisite!"

He took a step forward, and Star Fighter blasted him into a pulp.

All that remained was Beryl.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" she yelled. She threw a big black crystal at Seiya.

Seiya shot her in the heart with a rose and she disintegrated.

"Welp," said Seiya, dusting her hands off. "That's that."

But Jadeite crawled to his feet.

"It's not over until I say it's over!" howled Jadeite.

"Who do you think you are?!" demanded Star Fighter. "I am Season Five! I slightly damaged Galaxia! You couldn't even land a hit on her! I am a star! I am a super star! I am the light, and I am the darkness!"

"No," said Jadeite. "You're just a big bully. But now, your reign of terror is over. YOU. ARE. NOTHING! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !"

Jadeite charged Star Fighter.

Star Fighter shot Star Serious Laser, but Jadeite tanked through it, absorbing the damage and using its energy to heal himself.

Jadeite was now surrounded by an aura of energy.

He charged Star Fighter like a drill, plowing through him and everything else.

Star Fighter fell to the ground. "Galaxia gave me a much worse beatdown than this! I will beat you just like I almost beat her! By becoming a star!"

Star Fighter flew up into the sky and took her true form. She charged Jadeite as just a beam of light, but Jadeite too became a star. Their battle raged on throughout the galaxies, and their clashes were so fast and powerful that they looked like mere bursts of light.

"Here's the thing," said Jadeite. "All stars burn out eventually. But I am not a star. I am a SATELLITE!"

"Noooo!" yelled Seiya.

Jadeite charged with the force on ten trillion satellites. Star Fighter faded out, and Jadeite was victorious.

30 years later, Jadeite returned to Earth. He took the Family Feud prize fund and the Ford Falcon, and drove off into the cosmos.

FIN


	99. The Shitennou Read A Good Story

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"But Jadeite!" exclaimed Beryl. "It's Monday!"

"Yes, my Queen," Jadeite said in confusion. "So what?"

"Silly Jeddy, Mondays are kick-boxing days!"

Queen Beryl ran up and drop-kicked Jadeite, knocking him unconscious.

When he awoke, he sighed. "I hate Mondays!"

* * *

Jadeite put some ice on his wound, and then went on the free internet at the Nega computer lounge.

"Time to go on Fanfiction and check out my favorite story!" he said.

"Keep it down!" yelled a voice.

He looked over and saw Kunzite browsing pictures of baby puppies.

Kunzite narrowed his eyes and minimized the browser.

"You didn't see anything."

Kunzite left the room.

"Anyway…" said Jadeite. He browsed his favorite story. "Woah!" he exclaimed. "This awesome story is on its 99th chapter! That's one away from 100! There must be some kind of special event planned for that 100th chapter!"

Jadeite fled from the Nega computer lounge.

"Hey guys!" he yelled upon entering the Nega donut hut. "Did you know that 'I Found A New Source Of Energy, Queen Beryl!' is almost at 100 chapters?"

"What are you talking about, Jadeite?" asked Nephrite.

"It's a story on fanfiction dot net," explained Jadeite. "A good one."

"What is this 'fanfiction dot net?'" asked Zoisite, with minimal interest.

"It's where people go to write stories about their favorite characters!" Jadeite told them all.

"And someone wrote a story about us?" Kunzite asked in shock. "Why would they do that?"

"Were they drunk?" asked Nephrite.

"They must terrible people," said Zoisite.

"Nah, nah," said Jadeite. "There are lots of stories about us! Have a look and see!"

* * *

At the computer lounge, Jadeite scrolled through pages on the Sailor Moon section of Fanfiction dot net.

"Hmm," said Zoisite. "There's an awful lot of stories about Haruka and Michiru, whoever they are."

"Those authors must have no taste," said Kunzite.

"Hey! There's one about us!" exclaimed Nephrite. "Yuck, it's during the Silver Millennium."

"Ugh," groaned Zoisite. "Not another one."

"But why would write that!?" continued Zoisite. "We had no personalities back then! And also, nothing really happened! I would know, I was there."

"Don't be so hard on it," said Jadeite. "Maybe they added some interesting twist."

"But all those stories are just going to end at the Moon Kingdom raid," remarked Kunzite. "It's like telling the same story, over and over and over!"

"Nah, let's give one a try," Jadeite insisted. They clicked on a story.

They read two paragraphs in.

"KUNZITE IS IN LOVE WITH WHO NOW!?" cried Zoisite. "WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!"

"Yuck, why would I like a Sailor Scout? Let alone one that shot me in the hands!" complained Kunzite.

"Why aren't I with Molly?" yelled Nephrite. "Name one thing that me and Sailor Jupiter have in common. Just one."

"You both like to fight!" said Jadeite.

"Kunzite likes to fight," replied Nephrite. "And also, I disagree that you can win someone's heart with food. So we are not meant to be."

"Why am I paired with Ami!?" cried Zoisite. "For one, I'm gay. And even if I wasn't…!"

"I don't know, I can see it," said Nephrite. "After all, you both are more of a strategist type than a fighter type."

"What's that supposed to mean?!" yelled Zoisite.

"That you're both the weakest members of your teams."

"Take that back!" cried Zoisite. "Or I'll get someone else to kill you!"

"Personally I like the pairings," said Jadeite. "I would love to score with Rei!"

"Would you take her Grandpa instead?" asked Grandpa from above.

Jadeite took out a bottle of insecticide and started spraying it at Gramps. Gramps crawled across the ceiling like a spider, spun his head around twice, and then escaped through the door.

"Wait, here's one that appears to have proper pairings!" exclaimed Nephrite.

"Yeah, and it takes place in the right anime canon!" Zoisite said happily.

"Oooh, this was the one I was telling you about!" Jadeite told them. "You guys should all read it!"

"Maybe I'll get around to it," said Zoisite, leaving.

"Yeah," said Nephrite. "I don't really have the time. I have a lot of important things to do."

"Nahhhhh come on! 99 chapters is nothing! You should read them all, and comment on them all as well!" insisted Jadeite. "The authors will love you for each and every comment you leave!"

Kunzite fled too, but Jadeite appeared in front of him.

Kunzite started to push past him, but Jadeite stopped him and whispered in his ear.

"Read it, or I tell them about the puppies."

Kunzite clenched his fist and returned to the room.

Kunzite and Jadeite read through the entirety of "I Found A New Source Of Energy, Queen Beryl!"

* * *

"My mind is blown," said Kunzite. "That story was godly."

"I know, right?" said Jadeite.

"Say," began Kunzite. "I don't normally treat you like person, Jadeite, but because you showed me that good story, I'm in a generous mood. Wanna go to the toy store? I'll let you pick out anything you want!"

"OH BOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" cried Jadeite. He started running around in circles and acting hyperactive.

"Settle down or I won't take you," said Kunzite.

"Yes Queen Beryl!" promised Jadeite.

Kunzite sighed and warped them to the toy store.

When they appeared, Jadeite started running down the aisles, looking for something to buy.

"Nothing over 20 dollars!" called Kunzite.

"D'AH!" cried Jadeite, putting back his life-sized robot. He charged towards the $20 or under aisle.

Suddenly, he ran into Nephrite and Zoisite.

They were sitting at the Thomas Train table, playing with trains.

"Vroooom," said Nephrite.

"Stop that," said Zoisite. "This is my side of the train track!"

Jadeite stared with confusion.

Just then, Nephrite spotted him.

Nephrite silently continued to move his train slowly along the track, without losing eye contact with Jadeite.

"What are you guys doing?" asked Jadeite. "I thought you hated each other!"

"We do! But it's Toy Train Tuesday!" explained Zoisite.

"I thought it was kick-boxing Monday?" asked Jadeite.

"Today is Tuesday," Nephrite explained.

"Beryl lied to me!" cried Jadeite, holding back a tear.

Kunzite walked over. "Jadeite, are you done yet?"

He spotted Nephrite and Zoisite on the ground.

"Heyyyyyy!" said Zoisite to Kunzite. "I was just about to kill this loser, I promise!"

"Yeah right," said Nephrite. "You can try!"

"I'm gonna make you eat those words!" lied Zoisite, lightly tackling Nephrite to the ground. "I got em, Kunzy!"

"Wtf," said Kunzite.

"It's Toy Train Tuesday," said Jadeite.

"I thought it was Whack Kunzite Wednesday!" cried Kunzite. "According to Beryl…"

"I'm distrusting Queen Beryl more and more each day," said Jadeite.

"What are you guys doing here?" asked Nephrite standing up.

"Oh," said Jadeite. "I convinced Kunzite to read a good story, so he's buying me a toy!"

"Was it that really good fanfiction?" asked Zoisite.

"Yes," said Jadeite.

"I didn't read a single chapter," lied Zoisite.

"I lightly skimmed it," lied Nephrite.

"Then how do you know it's good, Zoisite?" asked Jadeite.

"That was such a good story that I want to love Jadeite forever!" said Kunzite. "For showing it to me!"

"I WROTE THAT STORY!" cried Zoisite.

"No you didn't!" yelled Nephrite. "It occasionally puts me in a favorable light! Zoisite would never write something like that! For example, in Chapter 78, 'Zoisite Gets Punished,' Queen Beryl takes my side over Zoisite's, multiple times!"

"Yes I would!" insisted Zoisite. "Because there are way more scenes where I'm the favored one! Like in chapter 39, 'Nephrite Gets His Revenge On Zoisite!' Nephrite tries to get revenge on me, but his trail of snack crumbs leads to his demise!"

"I thought neither of you read the story?" asked Jadeite in confusion.

Nephrite and Zoisite looked at each other slowly.

"Alright, I confess!" cried Nephrite. "It was the best story I've ever read!"

"I know, right?" added Kunzite.

"Even when it puts me in a negative light, I'm still able to laugh at myself because of how funny it is!" admitted Zoisite.

"It's obviously the best story on Fanfiction dot net," declared Jadeite.

They all went silent.

"WE HAVE TO SHOW IT TO BERYL!"

* * *

"Queen Beryl!" yelled all four Shitennou.

"Who are you guys?" asked Beryl.

"We're your Shitennou," Kunzite reminded her.

"My what?" asked Queen Beryl. "Speak English, boy!"

"It's a Japanese word," Kunzite reminded her.

"Why the Hell would you say a Japanese word?!"

Kunzite went to explain what anime was, when Queen Beryl remembered something.

"Oh yeah, it's Whack Kunzite Wednesday!"

She started throwing blows at Kunzite.

"Hey!" cried Jadeite. "I thought it was kick-boxing Monday!"

"Oh yeah!" said Queen Beryl. She started simultaneously kicking Jadeite and slugging Kunzite.

Nephrite pulled Queen Beryl off them.

"But wait!" tried Zoisite. "I thought it was hug Zoisite Friday!"

"Nice try!" said Beryl. She turned around and socked Nephrite, and then charged Jadeite and Kunzite again.

They put their hands over their faces to shield themselves, and finally Beryl got bored.

"Ok, what do you want?" she sighed.

"We found the best story on Fanfiction dot net!" Jadeite explained.

"What's Fanfiction dot net?" Beryl asked. "Is that some kind of porno?"

"No, my Queen!" said Jadeite. "Well… sometimes people post those kinds of things, but they're frowned upon by the community!"

"Ok…" said Beryl.

"Anyway, you should read it m'Queen!"

"No way!" said Beryl. "I don't read anymore. Not since I read the plot summary of the Sailor Moon season 1 finale!"

"But Beryl, it's really good!" insisted Kunzite.

"I don't care about OC's and AU's, since they're non-canon!" Beryl shouted.

"But this story is pretty much canon!" promised Nephrite. "And it's about us!"

"I don't care about you!" yelled Beryl.

"But you're in it sometimes!" Zoisite continued.

"A story… about me?" gasped Beryl. "I don't know, I'm still not convinced. Tell me more about it."

"Alright, we'll tell you all our favorite chapters!" suggested Jadeite. "One of them is bound to get you interested!"

"Go on…" said Beryl.

"Well," said Jadeite. "My favorite chapter is Chapter 67, 'Jadeite's Seed of Hope.' It was very inspiring and the ending made me cry."

"I'm not into tragedy genres," scoffed Beryl.

"No Beryl, it's not a tragedy! It's beautiful!"

"Yuck," said Beryl. "Next!"

"Well," said Nephrite. "My personal favorite was 'Zoisite in the Rough,' Chapter 20. He deserved everything that happened to him, in my opinion. It almost made up for that time he killed me!"

"You deserved that time he killed you," said Beryl. "Since I couldn't take you out myself!"

"Wait what?" asked Nephrite.

"Umm… nothing! Move on!"

"My favorite was the one where we convinced Jadeite to climb into a lion's cage and he got mauled!" said Zoisite. "Chapter 21!"

"Now that's something I can get into," said Beryl.

"My favorite is-" began Kunzite.

"No one cares," said Beryl. "Let me read this story."

The Shitennou all looked over Beryl's shoulder as she read through the 99 chapters.

"Hmph," said Beryl. She logged off the computer and shut off the monitor.

Beryl walked away and sat back down on her throne.

The Shitennou stared at her, waiting for a response.

* * *

20 hours later…

"Did you like it?" asked Jadeite.

"It… was…"

They all waited.

"was….." repeated Beryl.

They all waited again.

"was…"

They still waited.

"Good."

"That's it?" asked Jadeite. "Not spectacular, or amazing?"

"You didn't let me finish," said Beryl.

"It….was….."

"JUST SPIT IT OUT!" yelled Zoisite.

"GOOD FOR THE SOUL! IT WAS AMAZING! FABULOUS! THE BEST EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE! I WANT TO READ IT AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

She started pulling out her hair and screeching incoherently.

"AJAWEHFAWERJGAERKHERKHOERHJERKF!"

"WEGJAWGAWOEFLADKLFJAWEGJ!" yelled the Shitennou, joining in.

The story was so good that its beauty cleansed them of their evil ways, so they joined that good side and fought evil with the Sailor Scouts.

They lived happily ever after and no bad ever came to them again.

FIN.

* * *

"WAIT WHAT?!" cried Nephrite, reading the latest chapter on his computer. "That would never happen! Who's been writing this shit anyway?! This is terrible! Horrible! This whole chapter has been inaccurate!"

He unplugged his computer and then threw it out the window.

"Heya!" said Zoisite, coming in with a plate of cookies. "It's Toy Train Tuesday!"

"Oh boy!" said Nephrite. "Let's go!"


	100. I Found A New Source Of Jadeite

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found-"

But then he stopped.

"You found what?" asked Beryl, annoyed.

"No. This ends now," said Jadeite. "For 99 chapters I have run in here all excited to you my new source of energy. And how did you treat me? Not very well, most of the time! You have regarded my life's work as if it's a joke. I won't stand for it any longer."

Queen Beryl stood up from her throne. "What are you saying?" she demanded.

"I'm saying that I am putting an end to this!"

"An end to what?" howled Beryl.

"An end to YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!"

Jadeite sprung like a wild puma and charged Beryl.

But Queen Beryl knew she was stronger.

She swung at Jadeite, but was surprised when her hand swung through empty air.

"Huh?" asked Beryl in shock.

Jadeite sprung up from behind and got her in a chokehold.

"YOU CAN'T DO THIS!" cried Beryl. "I CREATED YOU!"

"No," said Jadeite, "I created YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!"

Queen Beryl faded to dust.

Jadeite let out a hardy laugh. "Har har har!"

He then took out a bag of potato crisps and shoved a handful in his mouth, chomping really loudly.

He threw the unfinished bag on the floor and hopped on top of it, crumpling all the potato crisps so no one else could have any.

"LELLELELEELELELEL!" laughed Jadeite. He skipped from the throne room into the North Pole. He then skipped all the way to Tokyo, laughing giddily.

* * *

Jadeite went to find Zoisite.

He found him at none other than Motoki's sister's diner.

"Hey Zoisite," said Jadeite.

"Jadeite, guess what I'm about to do!" said Zoisite.

"What?" asked Jadeite.

"DINE AND DASH!" Zoisite whispered very loudly.

"Why?" asked Jadeite. "The food isn't that expensive."

Zoisite shushed him. "The food is here!"

Motoki's sister put down the food. "Anything else I can get you?"

"No," giggled Zoisite.

Motoki's sister walked away.

Zoisite poured the food in the garbage.

"What are you doing?!" exclaimed Jadeite.

"I'm not actually hungry," said Zoisite. "I came here for the sole purpose to dine and dash."

Jadeite had a confused expression on his face.

Zoisite watched Motoki's sister as she went into the kitchen.

"A couple seconds…" he said.

He took out a stopwatch and timed five seconds.

"NOWWWWW!" he screeched.

He sprinted for the exit, but Motoki's sister's mental alarm went off.

"Hey!" she cried. "You have to pay for that!"

Zoisite ran out the door and started running down the streets of Tokyo.

Jadeite followed him.

"Quick, let's teleport away!" Jadeite yelled.

"NO!" cried Zoisite. "That's not how it works! We have to dash!"

They took a turn into an alley.

"Oh no! A dead end!" realized Zoisite.

They took a sharp U-Turn, and starting running for the alley's exit.

Motoki's sister cornered them in, and tackled down Zoisite.

She began to pummel Zoisite until he was no more.

After she finished off Zoisite, she turned to Jadeite. "Do you want some of this too?"

"No thank you," said Jadeite, shaking his head.

"Well someone's gonna have to pay for that food!" she screamed.

Jadeite pulled out his wallet. "How much will that be?"

Jadeite payed the 20 dollars and gave a 2 dollar tip.

"Only ten percent?!" howled Motoki's sister.

Jadeite threw his wallet at her and ran.

* * *

Jadeite left Zoisite dead in the alley and hunted down Nephrite.

He stumbled upon him in an R-rated movie.

"Oh hey Nephrite!" said Jed.

"Keep it down," barked Nephrite. "We're watching Delaware Crowbar Massacre, the scariest movie of the year!"

"Oh cool!" said Jadeite. "Are you alone?"

"No, I snuck in Molly and that dweebazoid."

"Wait, why?" asked Jadeite.

"Because everyone knows a cool boyfriend sneaks his underage girlfriend into R-rated movies!"

"But why the scariest movie of the year?" continued Jadeite.

"Because I'm Kool with a K! Right Molly?"

Molly didn't respond.

"Molly? Where'd you go?" asked Nephrite.

Molly was under her seat rocking back and forth. Melvin was crying, and he latched onto Nephrite for protection.

"Get off me!" barked Nephrite.

He threw Melvin three rows ahead and he hit the ground with a thud.

"WHAT WAS THAT SOUND!?" cried Molly.

She peaked out from under the chair and saw someone getting killed on screen.

"WHADGARKEHEJTHSERg!" she cried.

"Har har har," laughed Nephrite.

"What's going on?" yelled a security guard. "We heard screaming!"

"Hey, hold on," said Jadeite. "Does that security guard have the same voice actor as me?"

"Wtf!?" cried the security guard. "How do you have my voice?!"

"We're in an anime," explained Melvin. "And in this particular dub, Jadeite and this random guard have the same voice!"

Author's note: This is true. Jadeite's voice actor also voices a random security guard in the DiC English Dub.

Just then, something scary happened on screen and Melvin threw himself to the floor, screeching like a girl.

Nephrite let out a hardy laugh.

The security guard approached them. "How did you kids get in here?! This is an R-rated movie!"

"Nephrite brought us!" said Melvin.

"SHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" yelled Nephrite.

"Who's Nephrite?" asked the security guard.

"Stop trying to be funny, you know who I am Jadeite," said Nephrite without looking up.

"So you're Nephrite?" continued the security guard.

"Yes, Jadeite," said Nephrite, starting to get confused. "You've known me for years."

"I've heard enough. All of you, get out!"

Molly and Melvin ran out of the movie theater shrieking.

"Wait, hold on!" yelled Nephrite. "This is the best part!"

The security guard dragged him out.

"NOOooooooooooooo!" cried Nephrite. "Why Jadeite, why?!"

When they got outside, they saw Molly shaking like a leaf.

"Hehehe," thought Melvin mischievously.

He pulled out a Delaware Crowbar Killer mask that he had bought on Ebay before the movie.

He snuck up behind Molly and screamed. "OOGABOOGABOOGA!"

Molly had a heart attack and died.

"Uh oh," said Melvin. "We really got ourselves in a pickle this time, huh Nephrite?"

Nephrite teleported away.

"Phew," said Melvin. "For a second I thought Nephrite was going to kill me!"

Melvin called 911. "Police… we have a body!"

"Darn right we do," said Nephrite from behind him.

"Oh hey Nephrite," said Melvin. "I thought you left?"

He turned around and Nephrite hit him over the head with a crowbar. He beat him to a pulp.

Jadeite took off his 3D glasses. "This is getting too graphic," he said. "How about we go see a comedy?"

Nephrite was too busy pummeling Melvin's corpse.

"Alright, I'll catch up with you later," said Jed. He went to go find Kunzite.

* * *

Jadeite checked Kunzite and Zoisite's castle, but no one was home.

The next logical place to check was Hell. Jadeite teleported there.

"Hey Jadeite!" said Kunzite. "Pull up a chair, me boy!"

"What are we playing?" asked Jadeite.

"Poker," said Satan.

"Could we play Uno instead?" asked Jadeite.

"No," said Grandpa.

"Grandpa?!" gasped Jadeite. "Why are you in Hell?!"

Grandpa just stared at Jadeite until Jadeite understood.

"I see… Well I guess deal me in."

"Hey guys!" said Zoisite walking in. "I just died lol."

"Oh no!" said Kunzite. "What happened?"

"Doesn't matter," said Zoisite. "The important thing was I dined and dashed. Wait, why are you in Hell?"

"I'm not dead yet," said Kunzite. "Satan just called me over."

"Heh heh," said Satan shyly. "I was lonely."

"D'awww," said Zoisite.

"Aren't you gonna ask why I'm here?" asked Jed.

"Oh, I just figured Motoki's sister killed you too."

"Nope! I escaped unscathed!"

"Cool, you didn't pay her, right?"

"Uh oh," said Jadeite.

Zoisite threw himself across the table and started punching Jadeite. "I died in vain!" he cried.

Satan had to break them up. "Now now, just because we're in Hell doesn't mean we can act like animals!"

They played a few rounds of poker, and Jadeite lost every single round.

"What is this!?" cried Jadeite, throwing down his cards like a child. "Australian rules?!"

Satan just laughed at him.

"I think you guys are cheating!" howled Jadeite.

"Me?!" cried Satan. "CHEAT!? What do I look, Satan?!"

Kunzite went to answer but Satan backhanded him.

"Guys, settle down!" said Gramps.

Jadeite leapt on the table and started kicking everyone's cards.

He picked up a stack of cards and ate them all.

"No!" cried Grandpa, "That was my last deck!"

Grandpa turned into the cross-eyed lobster.

"You know," said Jadeite. "We've been calling you a cross-eyed lobster, but you kind of look more like a cross-eyed gorilla."

Grandpa back-handed Jadeite.

"Oh, so that's how you wanna play it!?" yelled Jadeite.

He took off his gloves and slapped Grandpa with them.

Granpda was mad. Grandpa was furious.

Grandpa skittered towards Jadeite, but Jadeite side-stepped and Grandpa crashed into the wall.

He was no more.

Jadeite started pounding his chest. "I AM THE ALPHA MALE!"

Satan threw a wild punch at Jadeite.

Jadeite caught it. There was a moment of silence.

Then, without moving anything but his arm, Jadeite picked Satan up and flung him into Heaven where he disintegrated.

"Do you want some?" he asked, turning to Kunzite and Zoisite.

Kunzite and Zoisite held each other and shook their heads.

"Good. Now I'm off," said Jadeite. He took Kunzite's cape and then flaunted it as he left. "So long!" he said, throwing a black rose.

Outside of the gates of Hell, Jadeite ran into Mamoru Chiba.

"I saw you throw that rose," said Mamoru.

"Uh oh," said Jadeite.

"I don't like the way you bad guys steal my swagger," Mamoru stated.

"What are you going to do about it?" asked Jadeite.

Mamoru cracked his knuckles.

Jadeite cracked his neck and spit on the ground, ready to fight.

Jadeite shot a bolt of lightning, and then they both flew into the sky.

Jadeite went to tackle Mamoru.

"No!" cried Mamoru. "I won't let it end like this! Not again!"

No one knew what happened because there was a single frame of animation, and it flashed by too quickly.

But then Jadeite emerged from the water. Mamoru did not.

"I win again!" said Jadeite. "Man, I am on fire today!"

* * *

He returned to Queen Beryl's throne room.

"Queen Beryl!" he cried. "I found a new source of energy!"

There was no response.

"Oh wait, ha! I killed Queen Beryl!"

Jadeite took his rightful place on Queen Beryl's throne.

He sat there for a few minutes.

"This is boring," he decided.

He took out Queen Beryl's remote and hit the button that read, "Summon Shitennou."

They all appeared.

"Queen Beryl, you called?" asked Nephrite, covered in blood and still holding the crowbar. "Jadeite, what are you doing on Queen Beryl's throne?"

"I killed Queen Beryl. I am the king of the Negaverse," explained Jadeite.

"Does that mean we answer to Jadeite now?" asked Zoisite.

"No," said Kunzite. "Let's just take the throne."

"Watch it," warned Jadeite. "I have Queen Beryl's crystal orb now!"

Nephrite grabbed Queen Beryl's crystal orb. "Now I have Queen Beryl's crystal orb. Does that make me the king?"

"No!" yelled Jadeite. "Give it back!"

Jadeite charged Nephrite, but Nephrite tossed it over to Kunzite.

"Keep away!" yelled Nephrite mockingly.

Jadeite ran up to Kunzite, but he dribbled it between his legs before tossing it back to Nephrite.

Suddenly, Queen Metalia walked in.

"Wait how are you walking?!" exclaimed Kunzite in shock.

"Can it," said Metalia. "The same way you guys got out of Hell!"

"Well I, for one, wasn't actually dead," objected Kunzite. "Satan called, and-"

"I don't wanna hear it!" yelled Metalia. "Where's Beryl?"

All the Shitennou looked at each other. Then they got behind Jadeite and pushed him forward.

"I killed her," said Jadeite quietly.

"WHAAAAAAT?!" shouted Metalia. "no No NO!"

Metalia charged Jadeite. Jadeite gasped.

He slugged Nephrite and grabbed Beryl's ball. He held it in front of his face like a shield.

After ten seconds that he wasn't dead, he lowered the ball cautiously and realized that Metalia was a pile of ashes.

"What happened?" asked Jadeite, stunned. "Did I kill her?"

"No," said Nephrite. "Queen Beryl's ball shot out a lightning bolt and killed her."

"EZZZZZ!" cheered Jadeite. "Just another example of why I am King of the Negaverse!"

"One second," said Kunzite.

He, Zoisite and Nephrite huddled up.

"What do we do?" asked Kunzite.

"I don't know," said Zoisite. "He has the ball!"

"Queen Beryl's crystal ball is a joke!" remarked Nephrite. "Queen Beryl was a weakling."

"You're a weakling," said Kunzite.

"Do you wanna go, blondie?" challenged Nephrite.

"Yes but later. We have bigger fish to fry."

Kunzite turned to Jadeite. "I suppose presently we cannot stop you. But be warned. Queen Beryl had very powerful enemies. If you take her position, you must be able to defend our kingdom from them."

"Hahaha," scoffed Jadeite. "Queen Beryl was a weakling. I got dis ezZZZZ!"

Suddenly, they heard a knock on the door.

"Come in!" called Jadeite.

The door swung open, but no one was there.

"Huh?" Jadeite asked. "Is this some kind of trick?"

Just then, a squirrel flew in.

"Squirrels can't fly!" cried Jadeite.

Nephrite felt his stomach drop. "Oh yes they can…"

An army of flying squirrels flew into the throne room.

"RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!" yelled Zoisite.

They all leapt behind Queen Beryl's throne as the wave of squirrels piled in.

"Quick Jadeite!" cried Nephrite. "Use your ball!"

"Got it!" said Jadeite. He ran out from behind the throne and started smacking the squirrels with the ball.

"No, not like that!" Nephrite yelled.

"Oh yeah, right," said Jadeite.

He held up the ball and it disintegrated all the squirrels.

"eZ! eZ eZ eZ!" chanted Jadeite.

But then, Nephrake, Nephrite's evil twin, flew in and drop-kicked Jadeite.

Jadeite dropped the ball and it rolled across the floor to the other side of the room.

"Hey, watch it!" cried Jadeite.

Nephrake landed like a bird in front of Jadeite, blocking him from the ball.

He reached down and picked up one of the disintegrated squirrels. A single tear rolled down his cheek. Then he ate the squirrel.

"You shall not be forgiven," said Nephrake.

Jadeite adjusted his crown and stood up. "Alright, let's go, Bigboy! You think you stand a chance against the king of the Negaverse?"

"Yes," said Nephrake.

"Well that's it!" said Jadeite.

He threw a wild punch at Nephrake.

"Watch out!" cried Nephrite. "Nephrake is my twin, so his strength rivals my own!"

"I could take you eZZZZZZZZZ!" replied Jadeite.

"I don't think so," said Nephrite.

"Well time to find out!" yelled Jadeite, throwing another hook at Nephrake.

It looked like it was a direct hit.

But then, Nephrake turned to face Jadeite again, and he was unscratched.

"AHHHHHHHH!" shouted Jadeite. He started throwing many blows, and finally Nephrake got tired of the light taps and grabbed Jadeite's arms.

He slammed Jadeite into the floor, kneed him in the stomach, and then threw him into the wall like ragdoll.

Zoisite started crawling for Beryl's crystal ball, knowing it was the only hope.

But Nephrake spotted him.

He threw a quick karate chop, ending Zoisite.

Nephrite decided he couldn't stand it anymore, and charged Nephrake. They started exchanging blows at rapid speed, but alas, they were evenly matched.

"I've gotten stronger!" howled Nephrake. "All this squirrel protein has built up my muscles."

"But I have gotten stronger too!" said Nephrite. They both threw a punch at the same time, and their fists collided, creating an explosion.

They were about to charge again, when Kunzite went over and finished off Nephrake with relative ease.

"This one's for ZOIIIISSIIIIIIITE!" he yelled, blasting Nephrake into oblivion.

"Good job," said Nephrite. "But how'd you pull it off? His strength was equal to mine."

"You're a weakling," repeated Kunzite.

Nephrite was about to charge Kunzite, when the next opponent entered.

It was a cross-eyed lobster-gorilla.

"Grandpa!" yelled Nephrite.

"This is for not finishing the poker game!" howled Grandpa. He did a quick volt tackle on Kunzite, which was too fast for Kunzite to catch. He was knocked out of commission.

Grandpa leapt on top of Nephrite and started trying to eat his face off.

Nephrite had to use all of his strength to hold Grandpa an arm's length away.

"Jadeite, help!" yelled Nephrite.

But Jadeite was still knocked out from the previous battle.

"Zoisite?!" cried Nephrite in a move of desperation.

Zoisite was also lying unconscious.

"This looks like the end," said Nephrite sadly, right before his arms gave out.

Kunzite made a shocking return and body-slammed Grandpa. "It will take more than that to defeat me!"

Grandpa stood back up on all fours. He then started pounding his chest, charging up another attack.

Nephrite and Kunzite stood by each other, preparing themselves.

Grandpa's power level was going off the charts.

"I don't think we can take this guy," said Kunzite solemnly.

"Then we'll die trying," vowed Nephrite.

Grandpa was now surrounded by an aura energy. He began to ascend beyond lobster form. The pure energy itself was shaking the room.

Grandpa's red skin started to take on a light yellow color as he transformed into a Super Saiyan Lobster.

However, Grandpa was foolish, and did not think about his surroundings. Before he could reach his final form, the rumbling of his energy waves caused a stalactite from above to fall off the ceiling.

It landed on grandpa and impaled through all three of his hearts.

Grandpa was dead.

The Shitennou were about to breathe a sigh of relief, when a wall cracked and then exploded.

A ten food figure entered the throne room.

It was none other than Satan.

"Hey man!" said Kunzite. "Sup?"

"This is no time for sups," barked Satan. He backhanded Kunzite again, and he went flying.

"I was finally free of that pesky Grandpa. And then you killed him again, sending him right back to Hell!"

Satan picked up the stalactite that went through Grandpa. He used his fire breath to cook Grandpa, and then ate him like a kabob in one bite.

"This is where your story ends," said Satan. "If I have to deal with him in Hell, so will YOUUUUUUUUUU!"

Satan charged up a hyper-beam and shot it at Nephrite and Kunzite. They both leapt out of the way and the beam blew up the wall behind them. The explosion was so big it almost knocked Kunzite and Nephrite over.

"Satan might be strong but we have improved a lot since our last battle with him!" howled Kunzite. Kunzite charged and Nephrite followed suit.

Kunzite shot an energy blast and curved it up. Nephrite did the same. They aimed for his face and it made Satan flinch.

"NOW!" yelled Kunzite. He teleported behind Satan and threw a hammer-kick on his head. Nephrite teleported several feet in front of Satan and charged up an attack.

"I CALL FORTH THE POWER OF THE STARRRRRRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSSSS"

He shot an energy attack and it hit Satan point-blank.

When the smoke cleared they thought Satan was finished but he was only slightly damaged.

"Uh oh," said Nephrite sadly.

Satan threw a punch and Nephrite was on the ground in a peril state.

Kunzite started throwing energy blasts like a wild-man but Satan blocked them all with two arms and back-handed Kunzite back to last winter.

Satan trotted up to Kunzite and raised his hand.

"This is the end."

Just then, Beryl's crystal ball slid across the ground into Kunzite's hands.

Kunzite turned to see Zoisite half unconscious. "KUNZITE NOW!"

Kunzite raised the ball defensively and it shot out a bright light that blinded Satan.

"NO!" screamed Satan as ice surrounded him.

Satan was frozen solid in an ice cube.

Kunzite stood up.

"Phew, that was a close one!"

Their victory was short-lived when the ice on Satan's prison started to smoke and unthaw.

"Uh oh that eternal sleep isn't as eternal as we thought!"

But then Nephrite sprung up from behind Kunzite and threw a karate chop that didn't just slice through the ice, it sliced through Satan as a whole as he was in his vulnerable state.

"I DID IT!" cried Nephrite.

"No" said Kunzite.

The door swung open yet again.

"Brace yourselves!" yelled Kunzite.

Motoki ran in screaming like banshee. "THIS ONE'S FOR REIKA!" he yelled.

Zoisite, who was already half-dead, stood up and threw a weak energy blast. Motoki went flying with it, and was never seen again.

Zoisite lied back down. "Alright, time to die!"

"Not yet," said Kunzite. "I think there's some more guys coming!"

They thought the door would burst open again, but instead it got chopped in half.

In stomped Chuck E. Cheese.

"Ha," scoffed Kunzite. "He's only in his base form. We have to kill him before he transforms!"

Kunzite charged. He threw a quick uppercut, and then kicked Chuck E. in the stomach.

He flew back and shot an energy blast, finishing the comber breaker.

Chuck E. Cheese flew into a pillar and then fell onto his knees.

Kunzite held up Queen Beryl's crystal ball and charged up to finish him off.

But before he could shoot the attack, Nephrite flew in and shot the ball out of Kunzite's hand.

"What the Hell?" yelled Kunzite.

"Don't defeat him yet!" cried Nephrite. "I want to give him a fair chance to fight me at his full power!"

Chuck E. Cheese stood up and started transforming.

Kunzite bent down to pick up the ball, but Nephrite ran over and kicked it farther away.

"You're not even that strong!" yelled Kunzite. "Sounds like you just want him to power up to see if I can fight him at his full form!"

"No," lied Nephrite.

Kunzite tried one last time to pick up the ball, but Nephrite threw a wild sucker-punch, catching Kunzite off guard.

Kunzite was forced to take a couple steps backwards from the attack.

Meanwhile, Chuck. E. Cheese continued to transform.

"Alright, that's it!" said Kunzite. He teleported behind Nephrite and karate chopped the back of his neck. "If Chuckie wanted to fight in his full form then he should have showed up in it!"

Nephrite spun around and threw a punch.

Kunzite caught the punch and karate chopped his exposed arm.

"YEEEOUCH!" yelled Nephrite.

Kunzite backhanded Nephrite, and grabbed the ball.

But it was too late.

Chuck E. now wielded his scythe of doom, and was sporting his huge black bat wings.

"Alright," said Nephrite stumbling up. "Now it's time for a real fight!"

He charged Chuck E. Cheese, but Chuck E. Cheese disposed of him with relative ease.

"Dammit," said Kunzite. He was starting to get fatigued from all the fighting.

He charged up Queen Beryl's crystal ball and shot an eternal sleep attack.

But Chuck E. Cheese sliced through the light stream like it was actual physical matter. The attack fell to the floor.

"Uh oh," said Kunzite. "I only have one option."

Kunzite ran up and smashed Chuck E. over the head with the ball. But Chuck E. grabbed Kunzite's foot, and threw him like a ragdoll into the wall.

"I WILL NOT GET DEFEATED LIKE JADEITE!" howled Kunzite. He charged up and threw a quick punch, but it had little effect.

Chuck E. Cheese swung down his scythe, and Kunzite held up the crystal ball to block it.

The scythe of doom sliced through the crystal ball, and Kunzite had to use both his hands to block it from slicing his head off.

Right when Kunzite was about to be finished, Zoisite rejoined the battle.

"Zoi!" he yelled, shooting petals. This caused Chuck E. Cheese to be mildly annoyed, and he turned around and chucked his scythe like a boomerang.

Zoisite was pinned up against the wall by the crest of the scythe.

In the one second while Chuck E. Cheese was distracted, Kunzite managed to make some distance between them.

He charged up a giant energy ball over his head.

"THIs… ONE'S… FOR…."

"Get on with it!" barked Chuck E.

"THIS ONE'S FOR ZOISITE!"

He tossed the ball with the last of his strength.

Chuck E. Cheese put out his hands, and was holding back the ball, but it started to push him back.

"no… No…. NO…."

Zoisite managed to free himself from behind the scythe, and started shooting petals, trying to make Chuck E. lose his grip.

Nephrite teleported behind Chuck E. and started throwing punches and kicks at his head, also mildly annoying Chuck E.

Chuck E. finally got fed up and decided to dispose of the two of them.

He threw a backhand, sending Nephrite and Zoisite into a wall.

"Wait a second," remembered Chuck E.

Without holding it back with two hands, the energy ball easily overpowered Chuck E.

There was a huge explosion, and all the remained was Chuck E. Cheese's head.

Nephrite stood up with the last bit of his energy, and fell back into the wall.

"Woo, that really took a lot out of me!" he laughed weakly.

Zoisite was unconscious again.

"How are you holding up there, Kunzy?" asked Nephrite.

Kunzite would have killed Nephrite, but he couldn't muster the strength. He couldn't even stand up.

"Is that the last of them?" Kunzite asked, in between deep breaths.

A rose flew in and landed in front of Kunzite.

"Awwww shit," said Kunzite.

In walked a masked figure in a tuxedo.

"Oh boy," said Nephrite. "I could take him easy, but I don't have enough strength to muster up my A game. Well, it's been good fighting beside you, Kunzite!"

"Shut it," said Kunzite. "I can take Mamoru in my sleep."

They let out a sigh of relief when the lighting revealed it to be none other than Tuxedo Melvin.

"Haha!" said Melvin. He pulled out his toy hammer. "Now it's time to take the throne of the Negaverse!"

Kunzite and Nephrite rolled on the ground laughing.

"Don't underestimate me!" squeaked Melvin. He threw his shrimp and it hit Kunzite in the head.

It had no effect.

"Looks like you won't go down without a fight!" said Melvin. "Very well then, let's do this!"

He leapt in the air with his hammer ready, as Kunzite spun around laughing.

Right before his plastic hammer collided with Kunzite, Melvin imploded.

Jadeite flew down after having disposed of Melvin with an energy blast.

"eZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" he hollered. "And that, right there, is why I am the King of the Negaverse!"

"Fool!" yelled Kunzite. "You didn't help us battle when we were fighting real opponents!"

"A ruler never fights battles that their peasants can win without them," scoffed Jadeite.

"I'm getting really sick of you," sneered Kunzite.

"Zoisite, get over here at once!" barked Jadeite.

Zoisite awoke and limped over.

"Yes, my king?"

"Did you think I wouldn't know?" asked King Jadeite.

"Know what?" asked Zoisite weakly.

"I don't know," said Jadeite. "But I'm king and I must follow in Beryl's footsteps and kill my Shitennou for no apparent reason."

"No… wait!" Zoisite whimpered.

Jadeite reached in his jacket.

"But-but I…" continued Zoisite weakly.

Jadeite pulled out the Moon Wand and slapped Zoisite away.

"Now for the rest of you!"

Kunzite and Nephrite gasped, but they were too weak to make a break for it.

"Where did you get that?!" cried Nephrite.

"Oh, this? I've had this since day one," laughed King Jadeite.

Kunzite went to charge up an energy blast. "This one's for-"

But he didn't have the strength.

Jadeite wiped them off the map for no apparent reason.

"Welp," laughed Jadeite. "Now I am officially the new Queen Beryl."

There was another knock on the door.

"Come in!" called Jadeite.

Sailor Moon and the others walked in. "Hey Queen Beryl," they said.

Jadeite gulped.

FIN


	101. Jeddy's First Date

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Jadeite, how dare you!" howled Queen Beryl.

"Huh?" asked Jadeite in shock.

"You murdered me last chapter! And now you prance in here like nothing happened! You have a lot of nerve, punk!"

Jadeite frowned and left the room.

He came back in 12 seconds later.

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"What is, Jadeite?" asked Beryl.

"THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS!"

Jadeite charged Beryl.

Queen Beryl knew she was stronger, so she swung at him. She gasped in shock when the only thing her first collided with was air.

Jadeite appeared behind her and got her in a choke hold.

But Queen Beryl was ready this time.

She sent an electric charge through her body, zapping him like a bug.

Jadeite crawled to his feet and surrendered.

"Now that you've got that out of your system, I have an important errand for you to run."

"Yes, my Queen," said Jadeite obediently.

"I want you to pick up my dry-cleaning."

"Yes, my Queen! I won't let you down!"

* * *

Jadeite sped his Go Kart down the speedway.

"Eat my dust Nephrite!" he yelled.

"Eww no way!" said Nephrite.

Zoisite pulled up next to Jadeite and started bumping his car.

"Hey there!" said Jadeite angrily. "Are you tryna run me off the road?"

"Okay, you caught me," said Zoisite. "Hey, weren't you supposed to pick up Queen Beryl's dry-cleaning?"

"Oh yeah!" laughed Jadeite. "D'ah, I'll just get that later!"

He made a swift turn into Zoisite, sending him flying out of the kart and into a pile of tires.

Jadeite turned the corner victoriously, but coming right at him with full speed was Nephrite.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" cried Jadeite. "YOU'RE GOING BACKWARDS!"

Nephrite just smirked.

As the cars collided, Nephrite teleported away, sending Jadeite face first into an airbag.

"D'oh!" said Jadeite, breaking his nose.

They all stumbled their way out of the Go Kart place with their heads spinning.

"Man I wish there had been more crutches," said Zoisite sadly as he and Nephrite shared a single crutch.

Jadeite wheeled himself out with his head down.

"Did you guys behave?" asked Kunzite, sitting on a bench outside and reading a newspaper.

"Maybe," giggled Jadeite.

"So," said Kunzite. "Maybe we should all go to get Beryl's dry-cleaning, since Jadeite is incompetent."

"Why are you always talking about other girls?!" cried Zoisite. "I should be the only girl on your mind!"

"But you're a guy," said Kunzite.

"Not in the dub," said Zoisite.

"Very well then," said Kunzite. "So about that dry-cleaning…"

"Look!" cried Jadeite. "Indoor sky-diving!"

All three Shitennou skittered off, leaving Kunzite in the dust.

"Looks like I have to go get Beryl's dry-cleaning," he sighed.

The others got in line for indoor sky-diving.

"How much money do we have left?" asked Zoisite.

Nephrite pulled out his money clip. "One dollar."

"And how much do we need to go sky-diving?"

"One hundred dollars. A person."

"Dammit!" said Jadeite. "Oh well, I guess we should go help Kunzite do my job."

"No, let's go… um…. Um…. Um… Watch that motorcycle show!" Zoisite said spotting a nearby sign. "I don't want to do work today, let alone someone else's work!"

"Okey dokey!" said Jeddy.

They sat down to watch the show.

Nephrite soon came over with a bunch of soda and popcorn.

"Hey," said Jadeite accusingly. "I thought you were out of money!"

"So?" asked Nephrite confused. "Who said I had to pay money?"

"Stealing is wrong!" exclaimed Zoisite.

Jadeite and Nephrite both turned to Zoisite and gave him a goofy look.

"Well for your information," said Nephrite. "I didn't steal it. They gave it me. All the girls love Maxfield!"

"I don't!" said a random motorcyclist.

"Oh yeah?" scoffed Nephrite. "Well you must be some kind of lesbian to not want some of this~!"

"Hmph," said motorcyclist. "Well you must be some kind of jackass!"

"Alright, you wanna go?" challenged Nephrite, standing up and looking around for the owner of the voice. "Hey, where are you?" asked Nephrite.

"Right here," said Haruka.

"That can't be right," said Nephrite. "I know I was just arguing with a girl, and you're most clearly a man!"

Haruka took off her helmet and threw a wild punch at Nephrite.

"I am a girl!" she scolded.

"Yeah, and you hit like one!" taunted Nephrite.

She gave him another slug, knocking him out.

"Sorry about my friend," said Jadeite. "Wait a second, you're that lesbian that kidnapped me! I still haven't forgiven you for that!"

"Cool," said Haruka.

"Where's the other one?" asked Zoisite.

"Right over here!" said Michiru approaching.

Jadeite put his guard up.

"Hey!" said Haruka. "I didn't see you all race! Where were you?"

"Oh… I was just on the phone with my parents…" Michiru admitted sadly.

"Aww, yuck!" said Haruka. "They don't like me very much."

"Yeah…" said Michiru. "I'm in a bit of a dilemma, too."

"Uh oh," said Jadeite, who wasn't part of the conversation.

"Wait a minute," said Michiru. "That hair… that face… you'd be perfect!"

Jadeite put his hands in front of his face, preparing himself for an attack.

"Could you pretend to be my boyfriend for the weekend?"

"HUUUWUUUUUT?!" gasped Jadeite.

"HUUUWUUUUUT?!" gasped Haruka.

"I… I haven't told my parents I'm with a girl yet," said Michiru sadly. "I panicked when they were pressing me on the matter, and told them I had a boyfriend!"

"Michiru, how could you!?" cried Haruka.

"I know it was wrong but I don't want them to stop buying me food," confessed Michiru.

"But I would buy you food!"

"Not fast food!" Michiru started to sob.

"Wait," said Zoisite. "Why didn't you ask me to pretend to be your boyfriend?"

"Because I want them to think I'm dating a guy," said Michiru.

"You didn't have to be hurtful," said Zoisite sadly.

Nephrite finally woke back up from his unconscious state. "Hey, what about me?" he asked.

"There's no way my parents would believe that I'd be dating a man with that ridiculous haircut," said Michiru.

"Oh tartar sauce," said Nephrite.

"So canya do it?" asked Michiru to Jadeite.

"I don't know…" pondered Jadeite. "What's in it for me?"

"10 dollars."

"Wowie! We got ourselves a deal!" he said giddily.

"I don't like this," said Haruka.

* * *

Meanwhile

"Alright guys I got the dry cleaning!" called Kunzite going back to the indoor sky-diving dome.

"Where'd those biscuit boys go?!"

* * *

"Hello mother, hello father!" said Michiru, walking into the restaurant to meet her parents.

"Michiru!" they cried happily. "We haven't seen you since you flew away to live in the outer solar system!"

"Nah, that's just bad dubbing," laughed Michiru.

"So, can we meet that handsome, charming boyfriend of yours?" Michiru's mom asked.

"Heh heh… here he is!" said Michiru nervously.

Jadeite strutted into the room.

"Behold!" howled Jadeite in an outdoor voice. "I would be riding my white steed but I donated it to charity!"

Michiru face-palmed. "It's game-over."

"So what's this lucky young man's name?" asked Michiru's dad.

"My name is Sir Jed D. Dite the third," replied Jadeite regally.

"Hmph," said Michiru's father.

"You've scored yourself a real winner," whispered Michiru's mom to Michiru.

Michiru blushed and looked away nervously.

"Yea so me and Michiru go waaaay back!" Jadeite explained.

"So how long have you known our daughter?" asked Michiru's mom.

"I met her yesterday," said Jadeite.

Michiru's mother got a disturbed expression.

"What he means is, yesterday two years ago! It was our anniversary!" exclaimed Michiru, quickly covering up Jed's blunder.

"Oh, congrats!" said Michiru's dad. He nudged Jadeite. "When are you gonna pop the question?"

"Right now!" said Jadeite.

"Jadeite no!" cried Michiru.

"Muchacha, I haven't know you very long, but you hold a very special place in my heart," began Jadeite.

"Oh no," said Michiru.

"Micharizard, will you be my Valentine?"

"Oh," said Michiru, surprised. "Why yes, of course!"

"Awwww sweet!" said Jed. He pulled out his planner and flipped to February 14th. He wrote down, "Date w/ Machocho, bring chocolates."

"Hello," said the waiter. "I have a bottle of wine for you, courtesy of the other table."

"Huh?" asked Michiru's mom.

They all turned and looked at the other table.

Haruka sat with Zoisite, Nephrite, and Kunzite. She glared at Michiru. Nephrite waved.

"Do you know those people?" asked Michiru's dad.

"Never seen them before in my life," lied Michiru.

Haruka gritted her teeth.

Michiru excused herself politely and walked over to the table.

"What are you guys doing here?!" she barked.

"We just came to support ol' Jeddy on his first date," said Zoisite.

"Not you, you!"

"Me?" asked Kunzite.

"No, you!"

"You mean Maxfield?" asked Nephrite.

"I think she means me, idiot," said Haruka.

"Well? What do you have to say for yourself?" demanded Michiru.

"I don't like my girl being on a date! Let alone with a guy! I gotta make sure you two don't get too carried away!" exclaimed Haruka.

"Wow," said Michiru. "I thought you trusted me!"

"I thought you told your parents about me!" retorted Haruka.

The waiter came over and interrupted their discussion. "What will you all be having for dinner?"

"Well," said Nephrite. "What kind of salads do you have?"

"I'm glad you asked that," said Zoisite.

"Why, do you want one too?" asked Nephrite.

"No, it's just that you've been getting a little chunky. I'm glad you're changing your eating habits."

"Do you want to go?" asked Nephrite.

"Nah, I'm fine here," said Zoisite.

"I'll have a 16 ounce steak, rare please," said Kunzite.

"We only serve medium rare," said the waiter.

"Nevermind then," said Kunzite. "Do you serve lobster?"

"Can you shut up for a moment?!" barked Haruka. "We were talking!"

"You didn't have to sit with us," said Nephrite.

"You sat next to me!" Haruka yelled.

"You could have moved," said Nephrite.

"Anyway," continued Haruka to Michiru.

"Michiru!" called Michiru's parents. "Why are you talking to those strangers?"

"I was just thanking them for the bottle of wine!" she called, dashing back to her table.

"So anyway," said Kunzite. "Do you serve caviar?"

* * *

Over at Michiru's table, Jadeite was demonstrating his good manners.

"Look guys, I can make a swan out of a napkin! Someone toss me one!"

Michiru's dad glared at him. Jadeite took his napkin.

"Hmm… this isn't working," he said in frustration. He threw the napkin on the floor. "It's just because that was a shit napkin. I can do it with good napkins."

"HAHAHAHAAHAH!" fake-laughed Michiru, loudly. "Oh Jed, you're such a jokester!"

"What's that supposed to mean?!" cried Jadeite. "Are you breaking up with me!?"

"What? No!"

"Gooooooood," said Jadeite. "So," he said, turning to the parents. "When I was a teenager and in a travelling circus, I used to be a magician!"

"Hmph," said Michiru's dad.

"Wanna see a cool magic trick?"

Michiru leaned over and whispered loudly to him, "Just eat your food!"

"It's not here yet!" Jadeite cried.

"What's not here?" asked Michiru's mom.

"So anyway, on with the magic trick! I'll need a volunteer from the audience!"

Michiru's dad glared at him with utter disdain.

"Mr. Michurro, how about you?" asked Jadeite.

"No thank you," said Michiru's dad coldly.

"Don't be nervous! I'm a professional!" Jadeite insisted.

He pushed Michiru's dad down on the table.

"Hey! Stop that!" he cried.

"For this trick, I will saw a human in half!"

"We're in a restaurant!" cried Michiru's mom.

"This is humiliating!" cried Michiru's dad. "Everyone's looking at us!"

Jadeite turned to see his fellow Shitennou giving him a thumb's up.

"Go get em' tiger!" called Nephrite.

Haruka gave a thumb's up as well, but quickly flipped her thumb down when Michiru spotted her.

Jadeite used his magic to spawn a giant saw.

He swung it towards Michiru's dad.

Michiru punched Jadeite across the face.

"WHY?!" cried Jadeite. "DOMESTIC ABUSE! SOMEONE CALL AN AMBULANCE!"

"YOU WERE ABOUT TO KILL MY FATHER!" cried Michiru.

"No," said Jadeite. He leaned close to her and started whispering. "Magicians don't usually share their secrets, but that saw was only an illusion! You see, using my evil Nega-energy-"

"I don't care!" shouted Michiru. "Just sit down and behave yourself! You've caused enough trouble."

"Yes, girlfriend," said Jadeite, sadly sitting down.

"Sorry about that," said Michiru to her parents. "He was raised in the jungle."

"Awww, that's so sad," said Michiru's mom sympathetically. "I'll try to be more considerate."

"Hmph," said Michiru's dad.

"So what do you do for a living?" asked Michiru's mom, trying to change the subject.

"I collect energy for Queen-"

Michiru elbowed him.

"I MEAN…. I collect garbage!" he said, thinking fast.

Michiru elbowed him again.

"I mean I collect garbage by the freeway in an effort to clean up litter for charity! But my real job is an astronaut!"

"No way!" said Michiru's dad, perking up. "So am I!"

"Uh oh," said Jadeite.

"Say, what missions have you flown?"

"I'll have you know that I was on the original Apollo!" lied Jadeite.

"Say what?" asked Michiru's dad accusingly. "You mean the one that burnt down and killed multiple astronauts before it even went into orbit, over 50 years ago?"

"Did I say the original Apollo? I meant the most recent Apollo!"

"Which one was that?" asked Michiru's dad.

"The… the… 42nd?"

"Hmph," said Michiru's dad.

Jadeite turned to Michiru. "I'm killing it, right?"

Michiru smashed her head on the table.

The waiter finally came with the food after 20 painstaking minutes.

"Here baby, I'll help you eat that," offered Jadeite.

"No, I'm fine," said Michiru.

"Nah, I'm a gentlemen!"

He cut a bite of her steak and shoved it towards her. "Open up, here comes the plane!"

Michiru tried to dodge.

"It's no use, I'm an expert on planes!" said Jed.

"I thought you were an astronaut!" reminded Michiru's dad.

"Isn't that the one where they fly planes?"

"No. That's a pilot."

"Oh. Then that's what I am."

"Really?" asked Michiru's mom. "My sister flies planes in the Airforce!"

"Cool!" said Jadeite.

"I had my doubts about you, but you must be pretty smart to be able to know all those flight controls," said Michiru's mom.

"Oh, no," said Jadeite. "I just control them with my mind."

"So…. You're some kind of freak?" asked Michiru's dad.

"What he meant to say," Michiru interrupted.

Jadeite shoved the steak in her mouth while she talking. She started to choke, but drank some water and calmed down.

"See, isn't that better?" asked Jadeite.

"Sir Jed," said Michiru, barely concealing her rage. "Can we talk outside for a moment?"

"Oh boy," said Jadeite. He turned to Michiru's dad and winked, and then took out some mouth spray. "We'll be back in a couple hours," Jadeite said, and pranced outside of the restaurant.

Michiru stormed after him.

"Listen Jadeite," she said outside. "How about for the rest of the meal, you don't say or do anything."

"If that's what will please you, my love," said Jadeite.

"And don't talk like that!" screamed Michiru.

"Yes my love."

Michiru face-palmed.

They walked back over to their table.

"Hahahahaahha," laughed Michiru's parents.

"I know, isn't that goofy?" laughed Zoisite. "So then we dared Jadeite to jump in the lion's cage, and you'll never believe what happened next!"

"What's going on here?!" howled Michiru.

"Oh, I'm your boyfriend's friend," said Zoisite. "I just wanted to meet my future in-laws!"

"Zoisite!" grumbled Michiru.

"Wait, I thought you said you didn't know these people?" asked Michiru's parents.

"I don't! But I've heard about them!"

"Oh boy, what'd you hear?" asked Zoisite.

"Nothing good…"

"Jadeite, how could you!"

"It's not true!" cried Jadeite. "I've only ever said good things about you!"

"Wow, then I wish I could say the same for you," said Zoisite regretfully.

"Anyway," said Michiru. "I think Zoisite here should go back to his table."

She picked up the chair with Zoisite in it and threw it back to the other table.

"Now that was rude," said Michiru's dad. "If only you had dated someone like him, and not this loser!"

"Hey!" cried Jadeite. "I'm a veteran, how dare you!"

"Which war?"

"The Moon Kingdom raid of 1262!"

"Oh, so you're wise guy?" asked Michiru's dad, putting them up.

"Wanna go?" asked Jadeite.

"Guys, stop!" said Michiru's mom.

"Margarete, stay of this!" howled Michiru's dad.

He took his shirt off.

Jadeite took his gloves off and slapped Michiru's dad with them.

Michiru's dad delivered a hard slug to Jadeite's face.

"Stop!" cried Michiru. "We don't want our food to get cold!"

Michiru's dad put his shirt back on.

They all ate in an awkward silence. Well, except for Jadeite.

"Why aren't you eating, honey?" asked Michiru's mom.

"Michiru told me not to do anything."

"Well it's too late for that!" howled Michiru. "Just eat your damn food!"

"Maybe I don't wanna," said Jadeite, crossing his arms.

"Jadeite," warned Michiru. "You're about to not get 10 dollars."

"Wait what?" asked Michiru's mom.

"No," said Jadeite. "You're just a big bully!"

"I'm sorry baby," Michiru forced herself to say.

"D'aww, that's all I wanted to hear," said Jadeite. "Now how 'bout a kiss?"

"Don't push your luck."

"Nahhhh come onnnnn," Jadeite insisted, leaning in.

Michiru back-handed him.

"Not in front of my parents!" she said, thinking quickly.

"Awww I getcha," winked Jadeite. "We'll wait until tonight in the room!"

"Hmph," said Michiru's dad.

Michiru started to sweat.

"This is really bad," said Haruka to the Shitennou minus Jadeite. "I think Jadeite's gonna try to pull a move on my Michiru!"

"Nahhh," said Kunzite. "Jadeite's a good boy."

"I don't know…" she said. "Don't you think it's wrong for Michiru to not tell her parents about me?"

"Nah," said Kunzite. "I wouldn't want to tell my parents about Zoisite, if they were alive."

"Hey!" yelled Zoisite. "Now I don't feel bad about killing them!"

"Wait what?" said Kunzite.

"This is good lobster," said Zoisite.

"Indeed," said Kunzite. "It's very fresh."

Nephrite stared at his salad and groaned. "Hey, mind slipping me a bite of lobster?" he asked Zoisite.

"If you wanted lobster you should have ordered it," said Zoisite. He started smacking his chops loudly.

Nephrite turned to Haruka to ask her for food, but she was gone.

"I guess that means I can eat it," he deduced.

He quickly swapped his plate with Haruka's and began chowing down.

* * *

"Hi, I'm your new waiter!" said Haruka to Michiru's table.

Meanwhile, Mamoru, the previous waiter, was tied up in the closet.

"What happened to the old waiter?" Michiru's mom asked.

"Yeah!" said Michiru. "What. Happened. To him."

"He had to take a short break, so here I am! Say, do you think I'm handsome?" she asked Michiru's parents.

"You are indeed a handsome young man," they said.

"Dammit," said Haruka. "Now I if I were to tell you I was a woman, would you let me date your daughter?"

"Look over there!" cried Michiru. Her parents turned away. She shot a quick Uranus Deep Submerge, knocking Haruka away.

"Where'd the waiter go?" asked Michiru's dad.

"He went to clean the bathrooms," said Michiru.

Haruka smashed back into the table where the Shitennou were sitting and stood up angrily. "That pesky Michiru!" she yelled.

"Hey," said Nephrite. "I hope you don't mind, but I ate some of your food."

"You ate some of my food?" asked Haruka.

"Alright, I ate all of it," admitted Nephrite. "But you can have my salad."

"GOODY!" barked Haruka.

"Uwaaa!" yelled Nephrite. "What's your beef?"

"Michiru!" she cried. "Is she embarrassed to be with me or something?!"

"I'm sure her parents are just old-fashioned," said Zoisite.

"So what do you think I should do?"

"I don't know, kill them?"

"That's terrible!" cried Haruka.

"Yeah, I guess it was," said Zoisite. "But there's no undoing the past. Plus, if they never find out, it's like their parents just died of natural causes!"

"Wait what?" asked Kunzite.

"Can you pass the butter?" asked Zoisite.

"I think I should just go over there and tell them who I am!" exclaimed Haruka.

"Alright have fun with that," said Nephrite.

Haruka headed over there, but on the way lost her courage and walked back to the table in defeat.

"Did you have fun?" asked Nephrite.

Haruka socked Nephrite.

"Was that for the food?" he asked.

Michiru's family and Jadeite had finally finished their meals.

"Welp, since I'm the King of England, I'll pick up the tab," offered Jadeite.

"No, no," said Michiru's dad. "3 out of four people were my family members. I'll pay."

"No!" yelled Jadeite. "I will pay!"

"Shut your mouth," said Michiru's dad. "I already pulled out my money!"

Jadeite grabbed Michiru's dad's money and burnt it.

"I have a lady to impress! I will pay!" Jadeite repeated.

"My money!" cried Michiru's dad. He pulled out his credit card. "You can't stop me from paying, you punk!"

"EAT MY SHIT!" yelled Jadeite.

Michiru's dad took his shirt off.

Jadeite layed his money on the table with a 20% tip.

Michiru's dad socked Jadeite in the face.

Jadeite went flying back. He picked up a chair and hit Michiru's mom.

"MARGARETE!" cried Michiru's dad.

"WHY?!" cried Michiru.

"WHHHHYYY?!" cried Michiru's mom. She passed out.

Michiru's dad was steamed. He was livid. "It's one thing fighting me, but you go after my wife!?"

"Ye she was a scrub," said Jadeite. "Now you still dare to try and pay the bill?! Put em' up, homeboy!"

"Fight! Fight! Fight!" yelled Zoisite.

"Maybe I will!" said Jadeite. He kicked Michiru's dad in the shin.

Michiru's dad swung his fists of fury, devastating Jadeite. Jadeite had to take a step back to recover, but Michiru's dad didn't give him any time. He came swinging with another fist. Jadeite caught it and snapped his wrist.

"UWAAAA!" cried Michiru's dad.

Michiru flew up in the air and landed a kick on Jadeite. "Stop it!" she yelled.

"Then give me kiss!" demanded Jadeite.

"Ok!" cried Michiru. "If it will get you to stop beating up my father!" She was completely out of options, as she couldn't transform in front of her parents.

Jadeite put down his steak knife.

He leaned in to kiss Michiru.

"URANUS WORLD SHAKING!" cried Haruka.

"UAJAWHEGAERAEG!" cried Jadeite. He fell to the floor. Haruka was spinning her fists rapidly, even faster than Michiru's dad. Jadeite didn't stand a chance.

Right before Jadeite was pulverized, Nephrite pulled Haruka back.

"Stop!" he yelled. "This was fair 1v1!"

Haruka turned around and socked Nephrite so hard that he forgot who he was.

"Where am I?" he called. He turned to Zoisite. "Will you be my friend?"

"Back off!" yelled Zoisite.

"Hmm, I like that," said Nephrite. "RRRR BACK OFF!" he yelled.

Haruka went in for the kill on Jadeite.

"Pls no!" cried Jadeite. "I never liked her anyway! I was just trying to look cool in front of Michiru's dad!"

"Look cool by hitting his wife with a chair?!" howled Michiru.

"Come on baby," said Jadeite. "Gimme another chance!"

"No!" yelled Michiru. "Because we were never in a relationship!"

"Wuuuuuut?" gasped Michiru's dad.

"That's right!" yelled Michiru. "I'm a lesbian! This fake waiter has been my girlfriend all along! And I wouldn't want it any other way!"

"D'awww," gushed Haruka.

"The waiter's a girl?!" cried Michiru's dad.

"Haruka's the waiter?!" cried Kunzite.

"Michiru is gay?!" cried Jadeite.

"YES!" screamed Michiru. "YES TO ALL THE ABOVE!"

At this point, all the other customers had left the restaurant, and the police were standing by outside.

"So yeah," said Michiru, stepping down from on top of a table. "And I don't care of you accept it or not! Me and Haruka will be together forever!"

"Oh honey, I'm so happy!" said Michiru's mom, waking up.

"Really?" asked Michiru in shock.

"Well, yes! Before this, I might have hesitated over you being with a girl. But after thinking you were with this low-life scumbag, I couldn't be happier!"

"WHAAAAAAT?!" cried Jadeite. He picked up a chair and charged Michiru's mom.

Michiru cut him off with a fatal kick in the gut.

"I agree," said Michiru's dad. "I don't know anything about this girl but I know she is better than this pathetic, miserable, scrubby excuse for a human being!"

Jadeite whimpered, and then he started to cry.

"Awww, I just… I just wanted you all to like me. You're right, I am a loser," he began to sob.

"That is it!" yelled Kunzite, slamming his fist on the table. "Maybe Jadeite made some mistakes, but I'm not gonna sit here and listen to my good pal get insulted!"

"Yeah, yeah!" added Zoisite.

"Furthermore," said Nephrite. "I don't know who I am, but I know that I don't like your face!"

The Shitennou charged.

Michiru's dad stood up and put his shirt back on. Then he took it off.

"Let's GOOOOOOOOO!" he howled.

* * *

One brutal slugfest later, the Shitennou limped out of the restaurant.

"Welp, I think we can call that one a tie," decided Nephrite.

"No way!" objected Zoisite. "We totally won! We didn't get taken to prison like Michiru's dad did, so the other side had more casualties!"

Jadeite was still whimpering. "You guys might have won… but I lost," he said sadly.

"D'aww, don't be like that!" said Kunzite, ruffling his hair. "You'll get em' next time, slugger!"

"Yeah, the only reason she didn't like you was because she was a lesbian!" added Zoisite.

"You think?" asked Jadeite hopefully.

"Yeah!" promised Zoisite.

"Alrighty then!" said Jadeite, returning to his usual happy-go-lucky self. "I guess I'm back in the dating field!"

"Now that that's settled, let's work on getting my memory back!" suggested Nephrite.

"Bye Nephrite," said the Shitennou.

Nephrite stood there alone, baffled.

"Who… who am I?" he thought desperately.

That was the day he became Tuxedo Mask.

FIN


	102. Queen Beryl Re-Brainwashes Jadeite

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Jadeite."

"Yes, me queen?"

"Can you do me a huuuuuuuuge favor?"

"Anything for you, Queen Beryl."

"Alrighty then. I want you to…"

Jadeite waited patiently.

"SLEEP FOREVER!"

Queen Beryl fired a quick eternal sleep attack, but Jadeite was on his top game and quickly leapt out of the way.

"WHY BERYL WHY!"

"Because you can't take out three teenage girls!" howled Beryl.

"Actually, there's five of them now," explained Jadeite. "And the outers. And Sailor Moon's daughter…"

"WTF JADEITE!" yelled Beryl. "You're so incompetent!"

"Hey!" said Jadeite defensively. "I was only directly responsible for the first three! I don't remember when the others came in, it must have been while I was in that coma."

"Heh heh," laughed Beryl nervously. "That 'coma.'"

"All I'm saying is," continued Jadeite. "If you sent out Kunzite when there were only three,"

Beryl shot another eternal sleep attack, but Jadeite side-stepped.

"That draws the line!" decided Beryl. "Not just for your incompetence, but for dodging my attacks! Go visit Queen Metalia instance!"

"M-m-m—m-m-m-mm-m-m-Met- wait who?" asked Jadeite.

"Oh wait, you were sleeping eternally during the part where she was introduced as well," remembered Beryl.

"Wait," said Jadeite slowly. "I thought I was in a coma…?"

"Uh oh," said Beryl. "Anyway, go down the hall and take a left. I'll inform her of what must be done."

Jadeite hesitantly headed down the hall and took a left. Every step felt like he was carrying 100 pounds, and that weight was getting heavier by the second.

He passed Nephrite on the way, standing by the soda machine.

"What the heck!?" cried Nephrite. "This thing took my dollar but didn't give me a soda!"

He started kicking the machine. "Oh hey Jed, the soda machine's broke so you might as well head back."

"I'm here to see some Metalia guy," Jadeite explained.

Nephrite went white. "Goodbye, Jadeite. You will always hold a special place in my heart."

"What do you think they're gonna do to me?" asked Jadeite, shaking.

"All I know," said Nephrite, "Was that the fifth Shitennou, Pablo, went in there 20 years ago."

"And what happened to him?" asked Jadeite.

"We don't know. He was never seen again."

Jadeite was now shaking like a leaf, almost vibrating.

"So," said Nephrite. "Can I have your Netflix membership?"

"Sorry," said Jadeite. "I already promised that Zoisite could have it."

"DAMMIT!" cried Nephrite. "Well can I at least have your shirt? Red is so much cooler than yellow."

"Back off!" yelled Jadeite.

He entered Metalia's room.

"Hello?" he called. "Queen Metalia?"

The giant blob near the wall greeted him.

"Who said that?" he called. "Where are you?!"

"Over here," said Metalia.

"Where!?" cried Jadeite. "All I see is a blob! And an ugly one at that!"

Metalia narrowed her eyes that didn't exist.

"Oh," realized Jadeite. "My apologies, Madame. So, Queen Metalia, me boy! I know you'll just let me off with a warning, right? Ya know, cuz you're cool, unlike that loser Beryl!"

"Sit down on this stone bed," instructed Metalia.

"Uh oh," said Jadeite. But he had no choice. He went to sit down.

"Huh?" he asked. "Why is Mamoru here? And why is he nude?"

"We're… um…" stuttered Metalia. "It was Beryl's idea."

Metalia tossed Mamoru into the abyss. "Now take your seat."

Jadeite lied down. "You're not gonna undress me, are you?" he asked nervously.

"Nope," said Metalia.

Jadeite let out a sigh of relief.

"I'm just gonna re-brainwash you."

"You're gonna what!?" howled Jadeite. "Wait a second… re-brainwash?!"

"There's no point in explaining it because I'm about to wipe your memory," laughed Metalia. "But it's a good story."

"Tartar sauce," said Jadeite remorsefully. "Wait, can you keep the memory of that one time I actually succeeded?"

"I'm sorry but I can't," said Metalia. "Because there isn't one."

"Tartar sauce," repeated Jadeite.

He decided he might as well try and make a break for it, but Metalia warped him back.

He started running again but his vision got foggy. He fell on the floor, and that was the last thing he remembered.

* * *

"Queen Beryl," said Jadeite apathetically. "I found a new source of energy or whatever."

"Jadeite," said Beryl. "How do you feel?"

"I don't," responded Jadeite.

"Good, good!" exclaimed Beryl. "Now tell me all about that new source!"

"Well," began Jadeite.

Zoisite teleported in. "Oh boy, is this week's episode of 'Jadeite's Ridiculous Plans' finally airing? I swear, if it's a rerun again…"

Zoisite turned to Jadeite, but Jadeite continued to face Beryl.

Zoisite tried again. "Jadeite, I saw your girlfriend at the supermarket! She told me she didn't exist! And that even if she did, she'd be really ugly!"

"As I was saying," continued Jadeite. "According to my research, humans expend a lot of energy in-"

"WHAT THE HELL?!" cried Zoisite. "What's up with you? Usually you would be full of rage or self-loathing by now! What's going on?!"

"Zoisite, I re-hypnotized him to be a competent worker," explained Beryl.

"Wait, he was hypnotized?" asked Zoisite in shock. "Am I hypnotized?!"

"Watch it," warned Beryl. "Before I re-hypnotize you too!"

Zoisite shut his mouth and left to rethink everything he knew about his life.

Jadeite went to continue explaining his source, but suddenly Zoisite reappeared with Nephrite and Kunzite.

"Beryl!" cried Nephrite. "Did you hypnotize us?!"

"I always wondered why I don't remember anything from before that day I woke up Metalia's room!" yelled Kunzite. "Explain what's going on!"

"Alright listen guys," said Beryl. "I may or may not have hypnotized you. But either way, you're better off here than being Mamoru's guardians."

"HUUUWWUUUUUUUT!?" cried Nephrite.

"HUUUWWUUUUUUUT!?" cried Kunzite.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Zoisite.

Queen Beryl sighed. "I knew this day would come. So yeah, you guys were like basically Mamoru Chiba's slaves, and I saved you! You owe me your lives!"

"That doesn't sound right," said Kunzite.

"Well it is! And I also gave you all a power-up with dark energy, formally known as Nega-power!"

"Wait," said Nephrite. "How come you didn't give us equal amounts of dark energy? Why is Kunzite stronger than me? And why is Zoisite so weak?"

"Hey," objected Zoisite. "It's not all about physical strength. Mental strength is just as important!"

"I also gave some of you more mental strength than others," added Beryl.

"Why didn't you just give us equal strength?" asked Nephrite again.

"Well… some of you are more… valuable… members of the team than others…," she said looking at Zoisite. "But it was nothing personal! Oh, and that reminds me. Since we got more energy now thanks to Molly's love energy, the only energy we achieved all season, besides that time Jadeite got some from the gym…"

"Queen Beryl, you're rambling," reminded Kunzite.

"Oh yeah, yeah. The point being, I gave Jadeite 5X more power than before."

"HUUUUWUUUUT?!" cried Kunzite. "Why didn't you give that to me?"

"You're just lucky I didn't give more to the enemy, AKA Mamoru Chiba!" replied Beryl.

"But Beryl, you gave him 90% of our energy!" complained Nephrite. "Especially that second time you hypnotized him!"

"Can it!" barked Beryl.

"My Queen," interrupted Jadeite. "May I be dismissed to carry out my plan?"

"Go," said Beryl.

"Yes, my queen."

He teleported away so powerfully that he others were knocked back.

"NO FAIR!" cried Kunzite. "I'VE TRAINED MY WHOLE LIFE!"

Jadeite reported back 10 seconds later with a ball of energy the size of the moon.

"YES! YESSsSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" cried Beryl. She started giggling like a madman, and Jadeite tossed her the energy.

"You've finally succeeded Jadeite! After all these years!" she howled. Tears of joy fell from her eyes.

"That's not all," continued Jadeite.

He passed Beryl the Silver Crystal.

Her eyes grew 20x their size. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!" she squealed.

"Hey!" yelled Zoisite. "Getting the Silver Crystal is my job!"

"Well you just got fired!" howled Beryl, unable to contain her emotions.

"There is no reason to be competitive," stated Jadeite in a robot-like voice. "The Negaverse will benefit regardless of who was the one to retrieve it. I share my victory with all of you."

"No, no, no!" yelled Nephrite. "I WANT THE VICTORY!"

"Does this mean we all have nothing left to do?" asked Kunzite. "Like, what happens once we take over the world?"

"Jadeite will be my right hand man," said Beryl.

Kunzite scowled.

"But then what?" asked Zoisite. "Will we just kill everything?"

"Yes," said Beryl. "The whole world will be the Negaverse."

"But the Negaverse sucks!" yelled Zoisite. "What's our motivation?"

"That's it, Zoisite!" yelled Beryl. "Go visit Metalia, right now!"

"NEVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!" cried Zoisite. "Never!"

Zoisite teleported away.

Beryl turned to Nephrite and Kunzite.

They also teleported away.

All three appeared in Nephrite's earth home.

"We're safe here," said Nephrite.

"Not exactly," said Zoisite. "I may have taken out many online loans under this address. The loan sharks will be here any minute."

"Oh no!" said Nephrite. "No, but the real threat is Jadeite! If he keeps this up, we're actually going to take over the world!"

"NO!" cried Zoisite. "I was just planning on stalling until Beryl died! If the Negaverse actually wins, there will be nothing left to do! Beryl will just get bored and kill us all! And we can't even escape, because everywhere will be the Negaverse!"

"She could try," scoffed Nephrite, rolling up his sleeves.

"Well, I'm not going to wait to see," said Kunzite.

"I thought you were one of the few who actually wanted to see the world turned into darkness?" asked Nephrite.

"I was just saying that because Beryl was watching," said Kunzite. "I would actually prefer to get a condo with Zoisite on the beach in Florida.

"That settles it!" exclaimed Zoisite. "We have to stop Jadeite!"

* * *

They teleported to the Negaverse energy vault.

"We must let out all of the energy Jadeite collected," explained Kunzite.

"Alright, open it, Nephrite!" said Zoisite.

"No way!" said Nephrite. "It might sound an alarm! You open it!"

"Nephrite, if you don't open it, I'll kill Molly," threatened Zoisite.

"Alright, alright," sighed Nephrite. "I'll be the bigger man here."

He opened the vault. Out jumped Jadeite. He karate chopped Nephrite in half and he died.

"J-j-j-j—j-j—j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-Jadeite!" cried Zoisite. "What were you doing in there?!"

"Storing more energy," said Jadeite. "This stuff is a joke to collect. The reason why the rest of you are unable to perform such an amateur task eludes me."

"That's it," said Kunzite. "You think you're hot stuff, just because Beryl gave you some physical strength?"

"She didn't just give me physical strength," stated Jadeite. "She gave me all around competence. Which is what sets me apart from a novice like you."

Kunzite was steamed. He charged and threw a wild punch. Jadeite teleported with a flurry of smoke, bewildering Kunzite.

Unfortunately, Kunzite was all brawn and no brains, so he was unable to defeat Jadeite's tactical strategies.

Jadeite flew out of nowhere and kicked Kunzite into the wall, leaving a big body-sized indent.

"That's it, Jadeite!" yelled Zoisite. "You may be strong, but I know you're not very sharp!"

Zoisite spawned a crystal behind Jadeite. "Let's settle this in a fair 1v1," he challenged.

"Alright," said Jadeite.

Zoisite threw the crystal and it hit Jadeite square in the neck.

Jadeite didn't even flinch.

Zoisite decided his only option was to try hand-to-hand combat.

He spawned a crystal in each of his hands and charged Jadeite like a samurai.

He swung his blades rapidly, but Jadeite overpowered him, and Zoisite was pushed back.

"We can't win like this!" cried Kunzite. "I'm all brawn and no brains and you're all brains and no brawn! But Jadeite had well-rounded skill! We must flee!"

Zoisite and Kunzite fled.

Queen Beryl was steamed when she found out what the Shitennou had attempted to do.

She decided to sentence them to death for treason. She sent her best forces after them, AKA Jadeite.

They were all forced to hide out in Nephrite's earth house again.

"I think we're safe in here," said Zoisite. "Jadeite is smart enough to know not to let his emotions control him. He won't seek pointless revenge on us."

"I hope so," said Nephrite. He was in a body cast on the sofa.

"Mind putting on something good?" he asked.

"This is something good," said Zoisite.

"This is just bad anime!" howled Nephrite. "Change it, change it!"

"Sorry, I don't have the remote," said Zoisite.

"It's right over there!" yelled Nephrite.

"Where?" asked Zoisite. "You need to point to it!"

Nephrite was stumped. "When I get out of this body cast, I swear!"

Just then, Jadeite burst through the wall and karate chopped Nephrite in half and he died.

"WHAT?!" yelled Zoisite. "I thought you could only find us in the Negaverse!"

"I'm not stupid," said Jadeite. "I knew to go to the only creepy mansion in Tokyo."

"Dammit!" said Zoisite. "He knows us too well!"

Kunzite squared up to fight again.

"We can't fight him!" said Zoisite.

"I know that," said Kunzite. "Just run as far as you can. I can hold him off for a good two minutes."

"No!" cried Zoisite. "There has to be another way!"

"There isn't one," stated Kunzite sadly. "We both lack important skills that we are unable to beat Jadeite without."

"Wait!" realized Zoisite. "I learned this from the anime I was just watching that Nephrite didn't have good enough taste for! We must do the fusion dance!"

"Uh oh," said Kunzite. "I can't dance."

"You're just gonna have to try!"

Kunzite and Zoisite did the fusion dance, and combined into one person.

"You shall call me Kunzoi!" announced the Kunzite-Zoisite fusion.

"Oh no!" said Jadeite. "They are now the perfect soldier! Both smart and powerful!"

He took a deep breath. "But so am I!"

He charged them.

Kunzoi threw a crystal to the side of Jadeite, and he quickly side-stepped to avoid it.

But when he turned around, they were behind him, and since he had already used his side-step, he had no other option but to take a hard karate to the neck, knocking him unconscious.

* * *

Jadeite woke up in the hospital.

"Huh?" he asked. He turned and saw Nephrite next to him in an extra-thick body cast.

At the foot of his bed were Kunzite, Zoisite, and Beryl.

"Jadeite," said Queen Beryl. "How do you feel?"

"Peachy!" hollered Jadeite in an outdoor voice. "Hey, hey Beryl me boy! While I was out, I had this crazy dream, and I came up with a new source of energy! We're gonna use planes, ok? And we're gonna take energy only from people in love! But that's not all! We'll also make them run on a treadmill and ride my cruise ship! Oh, I know, they'll ride treadmills ON the cruise ship! That saves the whole plot where I have to dress up as a gym teacher and then a boat man, since I'll just be both!"

"Dammit!" cried Beryl. "He's un-hypnotized. Well not really, but he's un-hypnotized from the most recent hypnotism."

Nephrite awoke soon as well.

"I… I think I'm un-hypnotized too!" he said slowly.

"What?" asked Beryl, confused. "I didn't re-hypnotize you like I did Jadeite, so what's going on?"

"Endymion? Where's Prince Endymion?! I need to protect him!" cried Nephrite.

"Ohhhhhh no," said Zoisite.

"Zoisite, my fellow guardian!" Nephrite exclaimed. "Let's go do our duty and protect Mamoru Chiba! Oh wait, his name isn't Mamoru Chiba anymore!"

"No thanks," said Zoisite.

But Nephrite grabbed him and teleported him to the Moon to save Prince Endymion from the wrath of evil Queen Beryl.

"So," said Jadeite. "What do you think of my plan, Beryl?"

Queen Beryl's eye twitched. "Honestly, I think I'm just gonna have Metalia erase all my memory of the last few weeks. See you all next Thursday!"

"Bai!" called Jadeite.

Suddenly Grandpa appeared with a stopwatch. "Did someone say hypnotism? I can hypnotize people to! Who wants me to make them do craaaaaaaazy things?" asked Grandpa with a wink.

"Back off, Grandpa!" yelled Kunzite.

"Ok, ok," said Grandpa, swinging his watch from side to side.

Kunzite started to get sleepy.

"You are now going to take your clothes off," commanded Grandpa.

FIN


	103. Motoki Wanders Into The Negaverse

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"How does that make you feel, Jadeite?" asked Beryl.

"Umm… What? You've never cared about my feelings before, what's going on?!"

"I'm taking these new painkillers," explained Beryl.

"Why?" asked Jadeite.

"Because you make me SO MAD!" She started raging but then took deep breaths. She popped a few pills and calmed down.

"Are you okay, my Queen?" asked Jadeite.

"Ye."

The other Shitennou marched in.

"What's all the hub-bub, Beryl?" hollered Nephrite.

"Queen Beryl, your doctor keeps calling," said Kunzite. "He said he gave you the wrong prescription, and that you are actually taking serious illegal drugs!"

"That can't be right," said Beryl. Then she spotted the purple dragon.

"WOAH!" she cried. She leapt off her throne and started rolling on the ground. "I just found the meaning of life!" she howled.

"Oh no! Beryl!" cried Jadeite. "Guys, we have to help her! She's not thinking straight!"

"Jadeite I love you," said Beryl. "I only treat you mean because I want you to get better. But you are already perfect!"

Jadeite gushed. "D'aww, I think we should let her go for a little while longer!"

"Kunzite, get your greasy mitts off my crystal ball!" Beryl howled.

Kunzite quickly removed his hands. "Dammit, I thought she was out of it."

"Kunzite put down that sandwich or I keeeeel you!"

"I'm not holding a sandwich…"

Queen Beryl charged Kunzite. He knocked her over the head, snapping her back into reality.

She sat down on her throne.

"So guys, anyone found the Silver Crystal yet?"

All the Shitennou took a step back in fear.

* * *

"I know, right!" exclaimed Motoki. "It just appeared out of nowhere! I don't know where it goes!"

"And what is it, exactly?" asked Usagi.

"There's a sign that says 'Portal to the Negaverse,' and it's in the middle of my arcade," explained Motoki.

"Peculiar," said Ami, checking her computer.

"But why would they need a portal?" asked Usagi. "When they can all teleport?"

"According to my calculations," began Ami.

"I Don'T CAAAAAAAAAARE!" howled Usagi, punching Ami in the throat. She left to go home.

"How rude," said Ami. "Anyway, tell me more, Motoki!"

"Well, I'm no Rei, but I feel a negative energy coming out of it!"

"I see," said Ami. "I'll take it upon myself to get to the bottom of this. If I don't return in 2 hours, tell Usagi, Makoto, Minako, or Rei to come looking for me."

"Got it!" said Motoki, jotting down the list. "Good luck, have fun!"

Ami hopped inside the portal.

"It's dark in here…" was the last thing Motoki heard her say. Ami was never seen again.

"Uh oh," said Motoki after 2 hours. "I better put some fences around this… Nah, but first I have to tell Ami's friends to go looking for her!"

Motoki went to the temple, and after getting violated by Grandpa, he was allowed to enter Rei's room.

"Oh goody!" said Motoki. "All four of you are together! That saves me a wholesome amount of time!"

"What are you doing here?" asked Rei. "And did Grandpa violate you?"

"Yes," said Motoki.

"I'm sorry for that."

"Nah, he's a goober," chuckled Motoki. "Anyway, your friend Ami wandered blindly into some place called the Negaverse. She told me tell you to go looking for her if she did not return."

"And did she return?" asked Usagi.

"No," said Motoki sadly.

"Darn shame," said Usagi.

"Yep. She'll be missed," said Rei.

"R.I.P," said Makoto.

"Honestly I never even talked to her personally," admitted Minako. "So I'm not going to lie and pretend to be sad."

"You guys aren't going in there to look for her?" asked Motoki in shock.

"HECK NO!" howled Rei. "Now if it was someone important in there like Makoto…"

"I see," said Motoki judgmentally. He left.

* * *

Back at the arcade, he gave a moment of silence for Ami.

"No!" he decided. "I have to look for her! She's just a young girl!"

He took out his cellphone.

"I know I can't go in there alone, but with the power of friendship, anything is possible!"

He called his two best friends in the world, Mamoru and Rei's grandpa.

"Hello," said Mamoru. "Mind if I change into this Tuxedo real quick? It will help us out in there, I promise."

"Sorry," said Motoki. "But if you dress formally, then I'll have to dress formally or else risk looking underdressed in an unknown area. And I just rented my tux out yesterday for some young lad to go to prom!"

"Alright," sighed Mamoru. "I guess there's nothing I can do."

"Let'S GUUUUUU!" yelled Grandpa, leaping into the portal on all fours.

"Welp, here goes nothing!" said Motoki, taking Mamoru's hand and walking in.

"Woah woah woah," objected Mamoru. "I didn't know you saw me as that kind of friend."

They entered the Negaverse.

"Hmm," said Motoki. "The portal is still right behind us. How did Ami get lost?"

"Who cares," said Grandpa. "Let's get to the bottom of what exactly this 'Negaverse' is."

They spotted a palace far into the distance.

"That's Queen Beryl's palace," Grandpa told them.

"How do you know?" asked Chiba. "You just said you didn't know what the Negaverse even was!"

"Beryl was an old friend of mine," said Grandpa sadly. "Back in the Silver Millennium. When I was just a lobster."

"What are you talking about?" asked Motoki, completely confused.

"I think Grandpa is starting to go senile," said Mamoru.

"You take that back!" howled Grandpa, throwing punches.

Mamoru caught them and put them in his pocket for later.

They headed up the long winding path to the castle.

Suddenly, Motoki was picked up and thrown into the sky. He landed with a thud.

"Ouch!" he laughed. "That's going to leave a few marks!"

Everyone turned to see a wild cross-eyed blue lobster.

"Steven!?" gasped Grandpa. "How you been, man? I haven't seen you since I was in my lobster form raiding the Moon Kingdom!"

"Good," replied Steven. "I got a new job as Beryl's palace guard! And speaking of which, YOU MUST DIE!"

Grandpa turned into his lobster form, and they started wrestling.

"Quick!" said Mamoru. "Let's keep going!"

"No!" cried Motoki. "We can't leave Grandpa behind!"

"He's not Grandpa anymore," said Mamoru solemnly. "He has reverted back into his primal monster form!"

Motoki fled with Mamoru as tears fell from his eyes.

"We're almost at the castle!" called Mamoru.

Meanwhile, the wrestling match was neck and neck.

Grandpa decided to finish the blue lobster, and threw a wild punch. But it missed, and the blue lobster chopped off one of Granpda's pincers.

"Grandpa," he said slowly. "Come to the Nega-side!"

"NEVER!" howled Grandpa. "There's not enough little boys there!"

"We have the Shitennou," offered the blue lobster.

"They're too old for me," said Grandpa. "And too gay."

"Very well then," said Steven. "But before I kill you, know this. I AM YOUR FATHER!"

Grandpa gasped, and in his moment of shock, was thrown off the ledge into the abyss.

"Goodbye son," said Steven sadly. Then he leapt in front of Mamoru and Motoki.

"Uh oh!" said Mamoru. "I'm gonna have to transform! But… but Motoki said he didn't want to be underdressed!"

Mamoru was conflicted.

Motoki charged the cross-eyed lobster, yelling, "DIEEEEEEEEE!"

It was super ineffective, and he was tossed to the floor like a ragdoll.

"What do I do?!" cried Mamoru internally.

Motoki stood up. "Is that all you got?!"

The he coughed out some blood and fell over.

"Good," said Mamoru. "He's unconscious. Now…"

"Is that all you got?!" howled Motoki again. He threw another wild punch, before getting hit over the head and falling back down.

"Now he's gotta be out," decided Mamoru. "Here goes nothing!"

He pulled out his rose, about to transform.

"IS THAT…. ALLL…. YOU GOT!" Motoki screamed.

"Oh come on!" howled Mamoru. He threw a quick karate chop, knocking out Motoki.

Then he transformed into Tuxedo Mask in a single frame of animation.

"HUUUUWUUUUUUT?!" cried the lobster. He shot lightning at Mamoru and they both leapt up into the air. They spun around in a circle, and then both tackled each other into the abyss.

* * *

Three days later, Motoki awoke, not remembering where he was.

"Reika? Reika?" he called.

"Oh wait, lol she's in Africa. Then where am I?!"

* * *

"Are you alright now, Beryl?" asked Kunzite with minimal concern.

"I think so," said Beryl. "Man, that's the last time I do a full bottle of drugs."

"Good idea," said Zoisite.

"Zoisite did you find that Crystal?" asked Beryl.

"Uh… I found A crystal!"

Zoisite spawned an ice crystal and gave it to Beryl.

"I will cherish this forever," said Beryl.

"Now who wants to hear my new source of energy?" asked Jadeite.

"Hello?" called a voice from outside.

Everyone turned around to face the strange intruder.

Motoki barged in, opening the doors loudly.

"Has anyone seen my car? I think it ran out of gas and I left it somewhere on this freeway…"

All the Shitennou looked at each other and then to Beryl.

"Can I help you?" asked Beryl.

"Uh, yes. My name's Motoki and I seem to be lost. But I don't remember why or where I am. Do you guys know where the nearest rest stop is?"

All the Shitennou looked at each other and then to Beryl.

Motoki stared down all of them. "Something is strange here…"

"Should we get rid of him?" asked Kunzite.

"Not yet," said Beryl. "This could be interesting."

Suddenly, Motoki's gaze landed on Zoisite, and memories came flashing back to him.

"YOU!" he cried. "You attacked my Reika!"

"I did?" asked Zoisite.

"You attacked her and you don't even remember mentally scarring her for life?!"

"I attack a lot of people. Was she the one with the paintings?"

"No!" cried Motoki.

"Oh, I know! It was the one with the cat!"

"NO!" cried Motoki.

"Then I don't remember."

Motoki was furious. He ran across the whole throne room and charged Zoisite.

Zoisite teleported away swiftly, and Motoki threw a punch with no success. He toppled over onto the ground.

He charged again, and Zoisite had to teleport again to avoid the punch.

"Hahahha," laughed Zoisite. "This is hilarious."

Motoki skittered across the ground and made a sharp U-turn, charging Zoisite again.

Zoisite floated up above Motoki, still laughing.

"Alright, this is getting boring," said Zoisite.

But Motoki got a wild burst of strength and leapt into the air, swing-kicking Zoisite.

Zoisite fell to the floor in a peril state. He was on his hands and knees.

Motoki went to finish him off. He ran up to kick Zoisite into Hell as one would kick a soccer ball into a goal.

However, Zoisite barely managed to lift his hand to shoot a weak energy blast, defeating Motoki.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" yelled Motoki as he flew with the beam of energy into the wall.

"That was silly," laughed Nephrite.

"What the heck was that?" asked Jadeite.

"I don't care," said Beryl. "Someone go mop that up."

Kunzite went to get the mop.

While everyone let their guard down, Motoki sprung up like a spring, shocking everyone with his willpower.

He threw a quick sucker-punch, knocking out Zoisite.

Then he collapsed to the ground.

Kunzite returned and saw Zoisite knocked out.

"Beryl why?!" cried Kunzite. "I was gone for three seconds, he couldn't have wronged you that much!"

"It wasn't me," said Beryl. "Now clean up the trash. That includes your boyfriend!"

Kunzite was mad. He had to take a deep breath and control himself. "Easy now, Kunzite," he said mentally. "Don't take her out until you get the Silver Crystal."

Kunzite started mopping up Motoki's body, but Motoki sprung up like a spring and threw a swift karate chop at Kunzite's neck.

It had no effect.

Motoki made a break for it. Kunzite sniped him down.

He laid there twitching by the exit.

"Hmph," said Kunzite.

He headed for Motoki's brutally bashed corpse, but hesitated, not wanting to be a victim of another surprise attack. When Motoki was unresponsive, Kunzite pushed him into the dustpan and dumped him out in the North Pole, where he laid face-first in the snow.

* * *

Unbeknowest to all, Ami was not yet dead.

She wandered through the Negaverse with her computer.

"Dammit, what's the wi-fi password?!" she howled.

She passed something that appeared to be the portal she came in from.

"No, that can't be the exit," deduced Ami. "My computer says I have to take a left."

She took a left, then another left, then another left.

"Why does this thing keep telling me to take lefts? I feel like I've been walking in circles, but my calculations cannot be incorrect!"

"Take a right," the computer told her.

"Oh boy, finally!"

Ami took a right while looking at the computer instead of where she was walking.

She fell off a cliff into the abyss and was never seen again.

FIN


	104. Zoisite vs Mob of Humans

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Sorry, but Beryl isn't in today," said a familiar voice. "I'm filling in for her."

"Gr-gr-gr-gr-grg-gran-gran-gr-Grandpa?!" howled Jadeite.

"The one and only!" said Grandpa. "Well I mean there are other grandpas, but I'm THE grandpa."

"Ok THE grandpa, I found a new source of energy!" continued Jadeite.

"Please," interrupted Grandpa. "Call me Grand Master Poohbah"

"Ok Grand Master Poohbah," began Jadeite.

"HAHAHAHAHAHHAAH HE ACTUALLY DID IT!" howled Grandpa with laughter.

Jadeite chuckled as well because he felt awkward and wanted to fit in.

"Jadeite!" howled Grandpa. "Do you want an eternal sleep?"

"No thank you," said Jadeite fearfully.

"Ok, have a good day," said Grandpa.

"But my new source of energy!" yelled Jadeite.

Grandpa had already vanished.

Jadeite sat down and awaited Beryl's return.

* * *

Kunzite and Zoisite were on a Sunday stroll through a human park.

"Lovely weather," said Kunzite.

"Yeah, this beats the Nega-atmosphere any day," replied Zoisite. "Did you know that I killed Nephrite in this park?"

"Yes," said Kunzite. "You've told me that 5 billion times."

"Yep!" said Zoisite. "That was my greatest accomplishment, next to killing Mamoru Chiba."

"Personally I think killing Nephrite was a bigger success," considered Kunzite. "Since Beryl double-crossed us and brought back Chiba!"

"Next time we should take out Beryl AND Chiba," decided Zoisite.

"Yeah, yeah!" replied Kunzite.

Suddenly, Zoisite felt a change in pressure behind him, and turned around to see a mob of humans.

"Is this my fan club?" asked Zoisite.

"No!" howled their leader, Motoki.

"Oh, it's you again," chuckled Zoisite. "Why don't you run along and go back to earning your minimum wage at the arcade?"

"HEY!" howled Motoki. "I'm assistant manager! I get slightly above minimum wage!"

"Yeah, sure," scoffed Zoisite. "Now who are your friends?"

"This is the mob of people who hate you that I have gathered to put an end to your reign of terror!"

"So these are all my victims?" asked Zoisite.

"Well, you never tried to fight me!" yelled Melvin. "Which was fortunate for you!"

But Zoisite ignored him. "Kunzite look how many victims I have!"

"Woah!" said Kunzite. "You're cooler than I thought! So do you want me to dispose of them?"

"Ha!" laughed Zoisite. "I can take care of them with my eyes shut! Why don't you go ahead and pick up some McDonald's, while I dispose of this pile of rubbish!"

"Sure thing," said Kunzite. "What do you want at McDonald's?"

"Get me the kid's toy," demanded Zoisite. "And make sure it's the girl one! I don't need no Power Ranger."

"K," said Kunzite. "Good luck have fun!"

"Now then," said Zoisite as the crowd surrounded him. "Who wants to die first?"

Motoki charged, yelling, "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Zoisite shot a weak energy beam, sending Motoki flying with it.

But just then, Zoisite was smacked on the back of the head with a toy hammer.

"Hey!" he yelled. He turned around and quickly socked Tuxedo Melvin.

When he turned back around, a black cat jumped on his face and began clawing.

"My face! My face I say!" cried Zoisite. He threw Luna off him, and threw a quick crystal nailing the nearest person. "I should call animal control on you!"

He went to throw another crystal, but Grandpa grabbed it when he was charging up to toss it.

Zoisite tried to shake him off, but it was no use. Grandpa pulled out a pocket blade and made a quick stab.

"Owww!" cried Zoisite. He turned around and pulled Grandpa's head down to his knee, kneeing him hard, and then spun and threw a quick elbow into Tuxedo Melvin, who was coming back for more.

Suddenly Zoisite's vision was blocked by another cat. This one was so big it was suffocating him to death.

While he couldn't see, the crowd moved in, and he was being punched from all angles.

"Enough!" he yelled, teleporting outside of the mob so that Hercules, the big green cat fell to the floor.

He was about to charge up a beam of energy, but the crowd quickly surrounded him once again.

Zoisite shot petals rapidly into the crowd, but they persisted.

"Ouch!" he cried when he was karate chopped in the neck.

He grabbed the hand of the attacker and flung him over his shoulder, knocking over several people.

"SHYYAAAA BRAAAA!" cried Chad as he was tossed.

Zoisite did not have enough open space to fire anymore energy attacks, so he had to hold off the angry mob with his fists of fury.

He turned to Motoki who was coming for another round and combo'ed him to the floor.

But while he was doing that, Greg jumped on his back and got him in a choke hold.

"UWWAAA!" cried Zoisite. He attempted to lung forward and throw Greg off him, but Greg foresaw this and leapt off his back, throwing a high-kick into his jaw.

Zoisite fell on the ground and attempted to teleport, but Grandpa pile-drove him into the floor.

They all began to kick him while he was down. Zoisite was starting to panic.

"KUNZITE!" he cried. "HEEELP!"

But no one came.

* * *

Meanwhile…

Kunzite sat in the drive-through window of McDonald's.

"…And a small strawberry shake," he ordered.

"Did you say a chocolate shake?"

"No, a small strawberry shake," repeated Kunzite.

"Ok, and what size would you like that in?"

"Small."

"Large?"

"Small."

"Please pull out of line sir, we'll come back for you," said the employee.

* * *

At this point, Zoisite was at his limit. He threw a quick karate chop, tripping several people, and made a break for it.

Once he got some distance, he turned around to fire a powerful energy attack.

But Greg knew this would happen, and told the crowd to take cover. They all dodged except Melvin, who was overconfident and thus was pulverized.

Zoisite went to fire another, but Crane Machine Joe got Zoisite in a surprise full-Nelson.

"Let go!" he cried. He tried to break free, but Crane Machine Joe's grip was too strong.

The crowd caught up and Motoki charged and threw punches at Zoisite's exposed torso.

"Youch!" he yelled. He had to think fast. He jumped up and kicked Motoki in the jaw with both his legs. Then he threw a quick elbow, knocking Gamer Joe over.

He decided to finish Motoki off, and stabbed him in the back with a crystal while he was huddled over in pain.

He pulled out the crystal and swung it, slicing people in the face.

Molly leapt out of a nearby tree like a wild jumping monkey, and kicked Zoisite down.

Zoisite dropped his crystal, and someone picked it up.

"The power of the lord compels you!" howled that priest guy, and he attempted to stake Zoisite in the heart.

But Zoisite tilted his body swiftly and the crystal landed between his arm and his body. He grabbed it back and stabbed Molly, who was behind him.

He stood up and tried the petals again, but it only temporarily stunned the crowd.

He was about to tell the crowd off and teleport to safety, when Ms. Haruna hit him over the head with a chair.

"Waaaa!" he cried. "This isn't fair! I am stronger than you weak humans! But there are too many of you!"

Shingo leapt at Zoisite in a wild tackle while Zoisite was trying to get back on his feet. They rolled some distance and smashed into the wall. Zoisite stood up and weakly threw Shingo into a nearby dumpster where he belonged.

Grandpa ran up and socked Zoisite, landing a critical hit. Zoisite kicked him in the head, and stumbled over because he was starting to tire out.

Just then, Sailor Jupiter showed up.

"Shit," said Zoisite. "I'm in no shape to take on a Sailor Scout now, or ever!"

Jupiter de-transformed and started throwing karate chops at Zoisite. He dodged swiftly but weakly. Chad threw a wild curly fry, and it distracted Zoisite temporarily. While he was distracted, Makoto socked Zoisite square in the chops.

He fell flat on the ground.

"KUUNNNZIIIIIITE!" he tried again. Zoisite was starting to get mad. He charged up his best fire attack and shot it at the crowd.

Most of them were able to cover up their faces with their arms and bend over, tanking through the attack. Those that were unable to make it included the priest, that art girl, the little girl with the cat but not her cat, and Usagi's mom.

They were all severely injured but not killed. A paramedic pulled them from the scene.

"Someone call the police!" hollered Zoisite to the ambulance crew. "I'm getting jumped!"

But they ignored his pleas.

Chad threw another punch, but Zoisite blocked it, and blasted him away with plain energy.

Zoisite resorted to the strategy of randomly throwing sharp crystals into the crowd hoping to land a hit. He was getting a hit here and there, but it wasn't enough to hold them off.

He was pressed into the wall, and was once again getting punches from all directions.

Some teenager socked him in the face.

"I've never seen you before in my life!" cried Zoisite. "What's your beef with me?!"

"I'm just a bully," he said. "Give me your lunch money!"

Zoisite took to the skies in an attempt to flee.

But Molly's mom grabbed him by the legs and threw him back on the floor. "You killed my daughter!" she howled.

"And now I'll kill YOUUUU!" yelled Zoisite. He threw a crystal at Molly's mom, but Greg ran in and took the attack.

"Why?!" cried Molly's mom. "You poor boy!"

"Ugh," moaned Greg. "I didn't mean to. I miscalculated how far in the future that would happen, and I was trying to run."

Greg died.

"That's enough!" said a voice from behind the crowd. The crowd parted and Tuxedo Mask sauntered forward.

"Yikes," said Zoisite. "I can't beat him in a fair fight!"

"Everyone stop hitting him," commanded Mamoru.

"Yeah!" added Zoisite.

"Can it," said Mamoru. "I want to have that fair 1v1 with you that we never got to have."

"Alrighty!" said Zoisite. "Just me and you, 1v1! No tricks!"

"Good," said Mamoru. He charged like lightning, but Zoisite spawned a crystal behind him and sniped him down.

"I've still got it!" said Zoisite happily.

But once the 1v1 ended, the crowd moved back in.

They started slugging Zoisite with double force and tossing him around like a ragdoll. Zoisite managed to land a punch here and there, but they kept getting back up.

"This is the end!" said Zoisite sadly.

"Hey Zoisite, so they were out of the girl toys, so I ended up having to get you a Power Ranger. I hope you're not too mad," began Kunzite.

"KUNZITE HELP!" cried Zoisite in extreme relief.

"Zoisite!" cried Kunzite. "Are you getting beat up by regular humans again?!"

"Can it and save me!" yelled Zoisite.

Kunzite sighed and extended his arm. They all dropped dead like flies.

"Zoisite, Zoisite, Zoisite," sighed Kunzite.

"There… there were so many of them!" cried Zoisite.

"But come on," insisted Kunzite. "They were regular humans!"

"That's what I thought too! But they kept getting back up, Kunzite! It was horrible!"

"Alright," said Kunzite sympathetically. "…But even Jadeite could have taken care of that!"

"Why don't you marry him then!" yelled Zoisite, starting to cry from the trauma.

"D'awww, come on," said Kunzite, consoling him. "It's okay that you're weak. But you're at least the second smartest Shitennou!"

"Who's the first?" asked Zoisite.

"Me," said Kunzite.

Tears started to drip down Zoisite's face again.

"Alright, alright," said Kunzite. "You're the smartest."

"Awwwwww," said Zoisite with a smile. "So did you get me that Barbie toy?"

"Well they were kind of all out…" he said nervously.

Zoisite started to cry again.

"Alright let's go home," decided Kunzite. "No more fighting humans for a while. I'll tell Beryl you're sick or something."

"D'ah," said Zoisite, wiping his tears. "You're the best."

* * *

They came into Beryl's throne room at about 2AM, since Zoisite had been smacked down for a really long period of time.

Zoisite turned on the light.

"Jadeite? What are you doing here?"

Jadeite was laying asleep curled up on the floor.

"I wonder why he's still there," said Kunzite.

"Jadeite's actions are an enigma," said Zoisite. "But it's cold, so we should probably give him a blanket."

They tucked him into a blanket and Zoisite left the Power Ranger toy there for him to play with when he woke up.

2 hours after that, Beryl came in.

She tripped on him and fell to the ground.

"Jadeite!" she cried. "I thought I told you not to sleep in here!"

"Huh?" asked Jadeite waking up. "Oh boy, a toy!"

"Jadeite!" repeated Beryl.

Jadeite leapt to his feet. "Queen Beryl! I found a new source of energy!"

"That's great Jadeite," said Beryl. "But I have to go again. Talk to my substitute, Wiseman."

"Hello… Wiseman?" asked Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy?"

Wiseman did not respond. Instead he continued rubbing his ball without looking up.

Jadeite curled up and went back to sleep.

"Wake me up when it's springtime," he said.

FIN


	105. Nephrite And Kunzite Switch Bodies

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"What is it?" howled Beryl.

"Well, no need to howl," said Jadeite. "Anyway, it's called 5 and a half hour energy! It's a product I made myself!"

"Hmph," considered Beryl.

"Here, have a swig!" suggested Jadeite, offering her a 5 and a half hour energy.

She drunk it. "I don't feel any different," she said.

"Give it 10 more seconds," said Jadeite.

"Alright, but if I don't feel it in ten seconds, you're a dead man!" she yelled.

10 seconds later…

"Alright Jadeite, time to diewOAHHHHHHHHHHH!" exclaimed Beryl. She back-flipped off her throne and started doing cartwheels.

"WOOOHHOOOOO WEEEE HOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" she howled.

"Queen Beryl," said Nephrite, entering the room. "Woah, Jadeite! Why is Beryl doing cartwheels?"

"It's because she had one of my patented 5 and a half hour energy drinks! Try one!"

Nephrite hesitantly drank one. "I don't feel anything," said Nephrite.

He waited 10 seconds.

"Still nothinGAHAAHAHAHAHAHA!" he howled. Nephrite started doing push-ups on one finger, upside-down. "YEEEHAWWWWW!"

Kunzite came in then. "Beryl m'lady!" he said.

Nephrite turned around to Kunzite and his vision went red. "YAYARRRRRRRRRR!" he howled, charging Kunzite.

Kunzite got in his defensive stance and shot a rogue energy blast, but Nephrite tanked through it and kept charging. He head-butted Kunzite, and Kunzite was placed in a peril state.

Nephrite threw repetitive and consecutive blows, overwhelming Kunzite.

Kunzite teleported behind Jadeite to hide. "How did he get so strong?!" he cried. "Has he been training?!"

"No," said Jadeite. "He took one of my patented 5 and a half hour energy drinks!"

"Give me 10 of those!" instructed Kunzite.

"No!" cried Jadeite. "You're only allowed one, or you'll die!"

Kunzite picked Jadeite up by his throat. "Give me ten," he repeated, in a quieter and more threatening tone.

Jadeite forked them over.

He guzzled them down.

Nephrite spotted Kunzite and charged. Kunzite tried to fight back, but he still wasn't strong enough.

"WTF?!" cried Kunzite. "Jadeite, they're not working!"

"Give it ten seconds!" yelled Jadeite.

"I don't have that long to live!"

Kunzite barely endured Nephrite's blows until 10 seconds passed.

Then his spirit left his body and grew giant bat wings of power. He flew down and charged Nephrite, disposing of him with one punch.

"Woah," said Kunzite. "This stuff really works! Now how do I get back in my body?"

"You can't," said Jadeite sadly. "You took too many."

Kunzite was suddenly floating towards the light. "Hey! Stop that!" he cried. He tried to swim back down but it was futile.

"Wait a second, why am I going to heaven?" asked Kunzite.

"Maybe the energy drink cleansed you of your sins!" called Jadeite from the ground.

But then Kunzite dropped like a stone, straight into Hell.

"Darnit," said Kunzite.

* * *

"Good as new," said Metalia after bringing Kunzite and Nephrite back to life.

"Thnx," said Kunzite. But something was wrong. "Wait, why am I over there?!" he cried. He looked down and realized he was in Nephrite's body.

"Hey wtf?!" cried Nephrite, looking down as well and realizing that he was in Kunzite's body. "I want my handsome body back!"

"Whoopsies!" said Queen Metalia. "Looks like I dun' goof'd and put your souls in the wrong bodies. Oh well!"

Kunzite tried to brush Nephrite's hair out of his face but he only knew how to function with his normal hair style.

"Aww yea, look at this cape!" exclaimed Nephrite.

"Hey give me that!" barked Kunzite.

"No, it's mine!" yelled Nephrite.

"Hmph," said Kunzite. "I'll just kill you again and take it."

Kunzite charged Nephrite, but Nephrite caught the punch because he was in Kunzite's body and thus stronger.

"Uh oh," said Kunzite.

Nephrite killed him.

"Now to live Kunzite's life!" announced Nephrite.

He went over to Kunzite's castle.

"Hey Kunzite!" greeted Zoisite.

"AHHHH!" cried Nephrite. "Put some clothes on!"

"Why?" asked Zoisite, confused.

"Because I hate you!" yelled Nephrite, finally getting his revenge.

"Kunzite! No!" cried Zoisite. "What's gotten into you?!"

"I've decided that I'm too handsome for a young man like you. I'm breaking up with you."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Zoisite. He jumped out the window.

"Here's your stuff!" yelled Nephrite, throwing Zoisite's stuff out the window onto his unconscious corpse.

"Now to go talk to Beryl and actually have her respect me!" decided Nephrite.

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Nephrite.

Beryl cartwheeled past him and out the door.

"D'ah," said Nephrite.

Suddenly, Evil Endymion walked in.

"Say Kunzite, have any new jokes, I mean schemes, to capture the Silver Crystal?"

"GRRRRR, back off!" yelled Nephrite.

Mamoru took a step back. "Hey, take it easy there," said Mamoru. "I was just messin' with ya."

"I don't care," said Nephrite, letting his new power go to his head. "You will die!"

Nephrite took out Evil Endymion, something Kunzite never had the guts to do because of Beryl.

"Hahahha," laughed Nephrite. "And Beryl will just punish Kunzite instead of me because I'm his body!"

"Wait," realized Nephrite. "I'm in his body."

Queen Beryl cartwheeled back in. "Where's my Mamoru?!" she called. "He wasn't in his cage I mean room!"

Nephrite quickly teleported Mamoru's body away.

"Hmph," chortled Beryl. "I guess I'll have to sleep with you instead, Kunzite."

"I don't know about that," said Nephrite.

"That's an order," said Beryl.

"Well I'm not taking your orders!" barked Nephrite.

"YOU DARE DEFY ME!?" yelled Beryl.

"Ye."

Beryl looked like she was going to say something, but shut her mouth.

"Being Kunzite is awesome!" yelled Nephrite. "Time to see if Zoisite's regained consciousness!"

* * *

Meanwhile…

"Good as new," said Metalia. "If you could take it back a notch on the dying though, please do so. I'm starting to get low on energy. That one energy Nephrite got from Molly won't hold up much longer."

"Or that one Jadeite got from the gym," added Kunzite. "Hey, am I in Nephrite's body again?!"

"Yes," said Metalia. "He's still in yours, so this is the only one we had in stock."

"What's he doing in my body?!" howled Kunzite.

He quickly teleported to his castle.

"WWAAA!" he screamed. His castle was on fire.

He cautiously went inside of the burning building.

"BREAK UP WITH ME?!" sobbed Zoisite. "THEN I WILL DO TO YOUR CASTLE WHAT YOU DID TO MY HEART!"

Zoisite was holding a flame-thrower and burning down the castle while crying hysterically.

"Zoisite!" cried Kunzite.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT, NEPHRITE?!" howled Zoisite. "HERE TO RUB IT IN?!"

"No!" said Kunzite. "It's me, Kunzite!"

"DON'T SAY HIS NAME!" sobbed Zoisite.

"Oh boy, what did Nephrite do?" Kunzite asked.

Suddenly Zoisite turned to him. "I know how to get back at Kunzite! I'll cheat on him with Nephrite, and then he'll get jealous and take me back!"

"No, wait!" said Kunzite. "I'm Kunzite!"

"Yeah right," scoffed Zoisite. "Prove it!"

"Every Tuesday night you wear a dress and look at yourself in the mirror!" said Kunzite.

"Everyone knows that, nice try Nephy!"

"Uh…uh…" pondered Kunzite. "One time when Nephrite stole your job you came sobbing to me and then you said, 'When will I get my chance?'"

Zoisite gasped. "How do you know that?! Have you been stalking me!?"

"No, I'm Kunzite!"

"I'm still not convinced," said Zoisite.

"Don't you think it's strange I would break up with you randomly after all these years?"

"I don't really blame you," said Zoisite sadly. "I'm pretty bad."

"Don't say that!" cried Kunzite. He gave Zoisite a hug.

"Nephrite, you're being weird," sobbed Zoisite.

"Oh, I know!" exclaimed Kunzite. "Remember that time you tricked Mamoru Chiba and told him you'd have a fair fight for the crystals?"

"Hahahahaha! That was funny!" laughed Zoisite. Then it hit him. "OMG KUNZITE!"

"Yep! Since Nephrite was dead when that happened, there's no way he could know about that!"

"So you're not breaking up with me?"

"Not yet," said Kunzite.

"Wait what?" asked Zoisite.

"I mean, let's get our revenge on Nephrite, and give him a taste of his own medicine!"

* * *

They showed up at Molly's apartment.

"This is his girlfriend," said Zoisite.

"How old is she?" asked Kunzite, concerned.

"No older than 14," said Zoisite.

"Dang," said Kunzite. "Killing him was the right thing to do."

He knocked on her door.

"Hoy Nephroyt!" said Molly.

"Hey loser," said Kunzite.

"Nephroyt why?!" cried Molly.

"Can it, you Boston accent freak!" yelled Kunzite.

Molly started to cry.

"That's it, I'm breaking up with you," said Kunzite.

"No!" yelled Zoisite. "Kill her!"

"Not on my watch!" yelled Tuxedo Melvin who had been camped outside her door. He threw a wild punch.

Kunzite sniped Melvin down and he was dead.

"WAAAAAAAAAAA!" cried Molly. She slammed the door and sobbed.

"eZ," said Kunzite.

Just then Nephrite showed up with flowers, rehearsing some lines. "Listen Molly, I know I told you that I wasn't really Maxfield Stanton, and that instead I was Nephrite. But instead of Nephrite, I'm actually Kunzite. I still love you the same, wanna go out for brunch?"

Zoisite and Kunzite fled.

He knocked on the door, and heard a gunshot.

"Wtf?!" he exclaimed, barging in.

Molly was lying dead on the floor.

"NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!" cried Nephrite. "WHO DID THIS!?"

* * *

"Alright, now that we've ruined his life, here's the deal," said Kunzite. "In order to get my body back, we have to kill him, and then me. That way Metalia could put us in the right bodies again."

"But he has your powers, we're no match!" cried Zoisite.

"That's true," said Kunzite. "But he doesn't know how to use them. Although Nephrite is 5 billion times stronger than me in this body, considering I have Nephrite's strength and he has mine, we might still have a chance."

* * *

Nephrite walked down the street forlornly. "Who could have done this?!" he repeated furiously. "There's no one who even has the slightest grudge against me! Wait a second," he remembered.

He quickly teleported to Kunzite's castle and checked where Zoisite's body had fallen.

"It's gone!" he cried. "And why is the house burnt down?"

He went to Beryl's throne room to look for Zoisite.

"Zoisite!" he yelled. "I'm willing to take you back if you beg! Come out here!"

Just then he was charged by Zoisite, and Kunzite in Nephrite's body.

They clobbered him over the head and started punching him.

Nephrite made an energy wave surrounding himself and sending them all flying.

"What does Nephrite say to attack?" Kunzite wondered, standing. "I call forward the power of space!"

"I think it's about stars or something," said Zoisite.

"I summon thee the star power!"

Nothing happened.

"Star Power, MAKE UP!" he yelled.

Still nothing.

Nephrite charged them and they both fled in opposite directions.

Zoisite summoned a crystal behind Nephrite and threw it at him, but he slightly moved his neck and dodged it.

Zoisite tried again and shot a powerful petal attack, but Nephrite shot an energy ball and hit Zoisite dead on, and Zoisite went flying.

Kunzite pulled out a laptop and looked up a Nephrite episode. "Ohhhhh, that's it!" he realized. "I call forth the power of the stars!"

He shot a star blast at Nephrite, but Nephrite turned around and blocked it with one hand.

"Queen Beryl!" called Jadeite. "Can you please post a Yelp review for my product? It would really get us some good publicity!"

He turned to see what looked like Nephrite and Zoisite trying to attack Kunzite.

"WOAH!" he cried. "Zoisite, what happened?! What's going on?!"

Nephrite turned and shot Jadeite down.

"KUNZITE WHY!?" cried Jadeite. He passed out.

Nephrite turned back to Kunzite. "Now time to finish you off!"

Nephrite summoned Kunzite's boomerang attack and threw it at him.

"THAT'S MY MOVE!" howled Kunzite. He desperately dodged the boomerang attack with his incredible speed.

Nephrite caught the boomerangs when they returned, and threw them again.

Just then, Zoisite flew up with a crystal, trying to stab Nephrite in the back.

But Nephrite caught it and kicked Zoisite, and then snapped the crystal in half just to add insult to injury.

They went to charge again, but Nephrite trapped them in a dark energy bubble.

"IS THERE NO LIMIT TO MY POWERS!?" called Nephrite to the skies. "I AM A GOD!"

Kunzite and Zoisite started to bang on the bubble, but it was shrinking. Desperate, they threw themselves into the bubble wall, but it had no effect.

"JUST SO YOU KNOW!" yelled Kunzite. "I'm taking all this as a compliment!"

"DIE!" yelled Nephrite. He closed in the bubble and suffocated them to death.

When the bubble disappeared, Kunzite was still alive with a last breath.

"You haven't seen the last of me!" he yelled.

"Whatever," said Nephrite and finished him off with an energy blast.

* * *

"Good as new," said Metalia.

"Gee thanks Metalia!" said Jadeite.

"Yeah thanks pal," said Zoisite.

"Hmph," said Kunzite. "I'm happy to be reborn, but it sucks to be in this weak, inferior form."

"We need a better plan," said Zoisite.

"Yeah," said Kunzite. "I'm obviously too strong. If only I wasn't so good!"

"So," began Jadeite. "Why are you guys trying to kill Kunzite? I mean I see why you're doing it, Nephrite, but Zoisite? Well, I don't blame either of you. Kunzite has no personality and he is a loser."

"Jadeite," said Zoisite.

Kunzite killed Jadeite.

They waited five minutes for Metalia to revive him.

"Aww thanks Metalia!" said Jadeite. "Now Nephrite, what was that for?"

"I'm not Nephrite, you buffoon!" yelled Kunzite.

"Huh?" asked Jadeite.

"When they both died, Metalia put them in the wrong bodies by accident," explained Zoisite.

"Ah," said Jadeite. "So that wasn't Kunzite I slept with this morning."

"WHAT THE HELL?!" yelled Kunzite. "Nephrite, you punk!"

"Anyway, before you guys killed me, I was having a dilemma!" said Jadeite. "My parents want to come visit me! The only thing is, I told them I had a good job and life! I don't know what to do!"

"Listen Jadeite, we have a lot going on right now," said Kunzite. "You're gonna have to wait for next chapter to sort that out."

"Awwww man," said Jadeite. "Guess I'll just go back to online chess, see you in a few days when the chapter's about me!"

Jadeite left.

"Anyway," said Zoisite. "I think I might have an idea."

* * *

"Good as new," said Metalia.

"Huh? Where am I?" asked Molly. She looked down at her body. "WHO AM I!?" she cried

"Oh hey Molly," said Zoisite in Molly's body. "Fancy meeting you here."

"WHAAAAT?!" cried Molly. She started spazzing out.

"Do we actually need her anymore for any part of this?" asked Kunzite.

"Nope," said Zoisite.

Kunzite killed Molly.

"Aww," said Kunzite. "I always feel bad killing your body."

"D'oh, well let's get this plan rolling!"

Nephrite sat in the rubble of Kunzite's castle. "This is nice," he said. "But maybe I shouldn't have broken up with Zoisite so quickly. We could have had some fun, maybe even been friends."

Just then there was a knock on the rubble.

He opened the door.

"Mm-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-Molly?!" he cried.

"It is I," said Zoisite. "I didn't actually die, I was just faking it because I was so sad without you and I wanted to feel dead, ya know?"

"MAWWWWLY!" cried Nephrite embracing her.

"Yuck," said Zoisite under his breath. "So anyway, KUNZITE, NOW!"

Kunzite flew down and karate chopped Nephrite's head off while his guard was down.

"Oh boy we did it!" said Kunzite. He spawned a sword and stabbed himself.

"I guess it's time for me to die too!" said Zoisite. He jumped out the window and into the abyss.

"Wait," realized Zoisite. "Who's gonna bring us to Metalia?"

Zoisite died.

* * *

"Good as new," sighed Metalia.

"Gee thanks!" said Jadeite.

"Jadeite?" asked Zoisite. "Why'd you die? I thought you were just gonna play online chess?"

"I was, but then I choked on a peanut."

"Whelp, all's well that ends well," said Kunzite.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Nephrite. "I'm weak again!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Kunzite. "I pity you. Only once in your life did you get to feel my incredible power!"

"D'ah well, at least I'm still stronger than Zoisite," sighed Nephrite.

"Where am I!?" cried Molly again.

Kunzite killed Molly.

"Hey! Stop it!" yelled Nephrite. "Can you bring her back?" he asked Metalia.

"Sorry, I'm out of energy," said Metalia.

"NOOOOOOOO!" cried Nephrite. "But how will I get any more energy with Molly dead?!"

"Looks like we've reached an impasse," said Metalia.

"I got it!" said Jed. "I'll open a gym!"

"Brilliant!" said Nephrite.

* * *

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite, teleporting into her throne room. "I'm opening another gym!" he called.

He turned to see that Beryl had built a 40 story high house of cards.

"Beryl, what is this?!" exclaimed Jadeite.

"I just have so much energy with this 5 and a half hour energy drink that I drunk! I CAN DO ANYTHING!"

Just then, Zoisite swung open the door and the arctic breeze blew in. "Yo Beryl!" he yelled. "I would have teleported in, but it wouldn't have been as dramatic of an entrance, ya know?"

The winds reached Beryl's card house, and it came tumbling down.

"ZOOOOIIIIIIIIIISIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITE!" howled Beryl. She charged up her crystal ball. "This is the end for you!"

"Please, no," said Zoisite with little energy, not really caring because he had already died like 10 times that day.

Just then Beryl's five and a half hours ran up. Beryl crashed from the drink, and fell face first onto the floor.

Zoisite checked her pulse. "She's dead."

Zoisite reluctantly dragged her to Metalia.

"I don't have enough energy to bring her back!" exclaimed Metalia.

"Darn," said Zoisite.

FIN


	106. Zoisite Strikes Out

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Jadeite, Jadeite, Jadeite," sighed Beryl. "You know what? Now is not the time to give you a verbal smack-down. We need to have a meeting."

"Should I gather the others?" asked Jeddy.

"No, I'll just page them," said Beryl. "Now meet me in the Nega-meeting room in five minutes."

"Meeting Room A or Meeting Room B?" asked Jed.

"BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" howled Beryl.

Jadeite scurried off.

* * *

Nephrite sat on his balcony, sipping a glass of wine. "It's good to be Maxfield," he sighed happily.

Suddenly an incredibly loud alarm sounded, and he jumped back and fell off his balcony in panic.

He weakly took out his phone and put it to his ear.

"Nephrite," said Beryl. "There's a meeting."

"URGHHH!" yelled Nephrite. "You didn't have to ring so loudly!"

He climbed out of the bush and teleported to the meeting.

* * *

Queen Beryl sat down in the meeting room at the head of the table.

She started taking attendance.

"Jadeite?" she asked.

"Present!" said Jadeite enthusiastically.

"Nephrite?" she asked.

"Yo," said Nephrite, covered in leaves.

"A 'here' would have been adequate," stated Beryl.

"Yo," replied Nephrite.

"Kunzite?" she asked.

"Here," sighed Kunzite.

"Prince Endymion?" she asked. "Oh wait, we didn't hypnotize him yet. But I think we're missing someone."

She thought for a moment. "Aha, Grandpa!"

Granpda barged in. "Sorry I'm late Beryl! There was a fire at the temple!"

"I don't care, take a seat," said Beryl.

"Wait," she paused. "There's someone else. Now who could it be…?"

Beryl looked up to the ceiling, deep in thought.

While Beryl was looking away, Zoisite quietly opened a window and climbed in one foot at a time.

"Zoisite?" asked Kunzite quietly.

Zoisite hushed him. He slowly crawled on the ground over to the table.

"ZOISTE!" yelled Beryl.

He paused mid-crawl.

"Whoops, I dropped my pencil!" said Zoisite.

"Nice try Zoisite, but we don't have pencils in the Negaverse!" shouted Beryl. "I know you just came in right now. That's another tardy."

"Dammit!" said Zoisite.

"Zoisite," began Beryl.

"Whhhhhaaaat," whined Zoisite.

"You've been absent the last 200 days to work, and tardy the other 165."

"Why do I even have to come in?" complained Zoisite. "It's Jadeite's turn again!"

"Zoisite, you're going to get an F on this semester's report card."

"So?" said Zoisite.

"You know what happens when you get an F?" asked Beryl.

"You phone-call my parents?" guessed Zoisite.

"No, you DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" howled Beryl.

Zoisite gasped. "How come Kunzite and Nephrite don't have to show up to work?"

"Because I lack the skills and power to kill them," explained Beryl. "But you, on the other hand!"

"Crap," said Zoisite. "Kunzite, help me out here!"

"Well, mrhhgmadfmr," mumbled Kunzite.

"Kuuuunzite!" howled Zoisite.

Kunzite sighed. "If she actually tries to kill you I'll take her out, but maybe you should at least try to get a passing grade."

"Kuuuunziiiiiiite!" cried Zoisite again.

Finally, Zoisite sighed. "Alright, let me see my progress report."

Beryl printed one out and handed to him while the others sat there awkwardly.

"Can I get a glass of water?" asked Grandpa.

"No," said Beryl.

"Hmm," said Zoisite. He looked at the blank progress report. "Ok, I have 0 out of 15560 points. How many do I need to pass?"

"Around 10,000," said Beryl.

"Can I make up any of these assignments?" asked Zoisite.

"No, they're too overdue," replied Beryl.

"Damn, I knew I should have done work," groaned Zoisite. "Are there any 'extra-credit' opportunities?" he asked with a wink.

"Eww Zoisite, stop that!" yelled Beryl. "But there is ONE extra-credit assignment that could possibly allow you to slip by with a D-."

"Oh boy, what is it?"

"Getting the Silver Imperial Crystal," said Beryl.

"When does the marking period end?" Zoisite asked.

"Tomorrow."

"Uh oh," said Zoisite. "So I only have one day or else you'll attempt to kill me?"

"Yes," said Beryl.

"Alright, alright!" said Zoisite, getting up. "Time to get down to business! I've been saving all my energy for this one task. I won't let ya down! But first Ima go get a soda!"

"ZOISITE!" yelled Kunzite.

"Alright, alright!" repeated Zoisite. "Kunzite, what's the plan?"

"Nope," said Beryl. "No cheating!"

"!" replied Zoisite in shock. "Very well then. When I return I will have the crystal."

"It was nice knowing you, Zoisite," said Nephrite. "Wait a second, no it wasn't."

Zoisite threw a wild punch.

"Hey!" yelled Beryl. "No horse-play in the meeting room!"

Zoisite teleported away angrily.

"That's it, I need a rest," sighed Beryl, rubbing her temples. "Kunzite, you're in charge of the rest of the meeting!"

"Awwwww yea!" said Kunzite. "First order of business, taking out Nephrite!"

"Hey wait a second!" said Nephrite. "Beryl, did you hear that?!"

Beryl left.

* * *

Zoisite paced around in a circle. "The Imperial Silver Crystal. Now what exactly is that? Hmm. A crystal that is silver, and also imperial. That can't be too hard."

He continued pacing.

Just then, Mamoru Chiba walked in. "Hey!" he yelled. "Get out of my house!"

"Chiba!" yelled Zoisite. "For once, I'm happy to see you! Do you know what this Imperial Silver Crystal is?"

"Zoisite, I'm calling the cops," said Mamoru.

"Come on!" insisted Zoisite. "Help a buddy out!"

"Leave now," stated Mamoru.

"Alright, alright!"

He went to leave, but then turned around and threw a rogue crystal at Mamoru. It missed and hit the flat screen TV.

"ZOOIIIIISIIIITE!" howled Mamoru.

Zoisite fled.

* * *

Zoisite appeared in a nearby library. He typed into the library catalog, "Silver Crystal."

It pointed him to a book on gems.

He located the book and started reading it. "There's multiple silver crystals in here, but which one does ol' Beryl want?"

Suddenly he flipped the page and landed on a familiar mineral. "Jadeite?!" he exclaimed. "WTF!"

"Ye?" asked Jadeite.

"Wait what? Why are you in the library?" Zoisite called, turning to see where he was. "Jadeite, is that the young girl's section you're in?"

"No," lied Jadeite, putting back a My Little Pony book.

"Jadeite I saw that!" yelled Zoisite.

"It's for grown men too, I tell ya!" exclaimed Jadeite.

"Jadeite, come here," said Zoisite. "Look, you're in this book!"

"Wowie!" said Jadeite. "But that doesn't look like me at all!"

"Hey, I wonder," said Zoisite, flipping to the back of the book.

But he wasn't in there. "What gives?!" he yelled.

He looked up Kunzite, and located his mineral form with ease. He found Nephrite and Beryl as well, and scribbled on them both.

"Yo!" he yelled to the librarian. "Come here!"

"Hmm?" asked the old lady, adjusting her glasses and walking over to him.

"All my friends are in this book except for me!" he cried.

"Why would your friends be in a mineral book?" asked the lady.

"Are you sassing me?!" asked Zoisite. "Isn't everyone named after a mineral?!"

"Listen young lady, I can't help you," said the librarian, walking away.

Zoisite was mad and shot a fireball, killing the lady.

"I'm going down to the publishing company!" exclaimed Zoisite.

"Have fun," said Jadeite.

He appeared at the publishing company.

"Excuse me, I bought this mineral book, I mean stole this mineral book, and I am very dissatisfied!"

"Why?" asked the publisher, with minimal interest.

"It does not contain the mineral Zoisite!"

"Never heard of it," said the publisher. "It must be some obscure one that no one cares about."

Zoisite was enraged. He killed the publisher with petals that turned into needles.

Zoisite went back to the library, which was now a crime scene.

"Hey! You were the one that killed that lady!" shouted the coppers.

Zoisite killed the police and went back on a computer.

"Zoisite," he typed in. He went on Google Images. "See! I'm a cool mineral! People know about me!"

Then he spotted a search suggestion that surprised him. "Zoisite x Ami? What does that mean!?"

He clicked on it to see pages of fan art with him being shipped with some girl. "But I'm gay!" he cried. "I must get to the bottom of this!"

He did more research on this strange and random ship. "According to my research, it comes from some non-canon picture in one of the Sailor Moon mangas," he deduced. "Which doesn't make quite a lot of sense, since a lot of the pictures like that are just the sailors in bunny outfits and other things irrelevant to the actual story."

Out of curiosity, however, Zoisite looked up what exactly this picture was that shipped him with Ami. He gasped.

"They ship Kunzite with who now?!"

He teleported to Sailor Venus. "You fiend!" he cried.

"Huh?" asked Minako. "What do you want, Nega-scum?"

"You, to back off my man!"

Zoisite set Minako ablaze, thinking she was finished.

But suddenly, he was shot with a beam.

"I won't go down without a fight!" howled Minako.

"Well I will!" said Zoisite. "But I will be back when you least expect it!" he threatened.

* * *

That night, Minako was sound asleep.

"Hey, what are you doing in here?" asked Artemis.

"I'm here to take out the girl who is trying to steal my man according to a non-canon picture!" yelled Zoisite. "Now get out of the way, or die!"

"Alright, I'll take you on!" yelled Artemis.

"Ha!" scoffed Zoisite. "You're just a cat! I'll defeat you with ease!"

Artemis leaped up onto Zoisite's face.

"AHHHHHHHHH!" cried Zoisite. He shot fire, but he couldn't see where he was shooting because his vision was blocked.

Artemis dug his claws in.

"OWOWOWOWOWWOWOOW!"

Zoisite tried to run, but bumped into a cabinet and fell onto a sharp object.

"YEEOOOUCH!"

Zoisite begged for mercy, but Artemis gave none.

He tackled Zoisite, causing him to hit his head on the wall.

Zoisite had no other option but to teleport away, escaping within an inch of his life.

Artemis licked the blood off his fur and got back in bed with Mina.

She stirred in her sleep. "Artemis? Were you fighting something? Did a rat get in?"

"You could say that," sneered Artemis.

* * *

Zoisite bandaged his face and went to bed, sleeping soundly knowing that he had gotten his point across to Minako's cat.

He got up for the morning, and warped to Nephrite's house to make a bowl of cereal. He sat down in the kitchen and ate it. After laying marbles on the stairs, he teleported outside Beryl's throne room.

He pulled out a pocket mirror. "The wounds healed quite nicely. I'm sure Beryl will think I look great!"

As he put his hand on the doorknob, something clicked in his head.

"SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!" he cried. "I forgot about the Silver Crystal! How could this have happened?! Stupid internet!"

Zoisite started running around desperately.

He peaked slowly inside of Beryl's throne room. Beryl wasn't there yet.

He let out a sigh of relief. "I still have time!"

He walked inside and started pacing back and forth by the throne. He bumped into Jadeite, who was waiting for Beryl.

"Hey Zoisite!" said Jadeite.

"What are you doing here so early?" asked Zoisite.

"I'm just waiting to tell Beryl my new source of energy! Because I know the first thing she wants to see when she walks in is my face!"

"Yeahhh…" said Zoisite. "Say, Jadeite. When does Beryl get here?"

"Three minutes from now, usually," said Jadeite. "Sometimes sooner."

"no no No No NO NO!" cried Zoisite. "What to do!? I have to think of something fast!"

* * *

"Queen Beryl!" cried Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

Beryl rubbed her eyes. "Jadeite, it's six in the morning. The last thing I want to see when I walk in is your face."

Jadeite gasped, and teleported away in shame.

"Oh, look who it is," said Beryl. "Ready to die?"

"Well actually," said Zoisite. "You'll be pleased to know that I completed the extra-credit!"

Beryl looked up in shock. "Really? Then hand it over!"

"Alrighty!" said Zoisite.

"What are you waiting for?" asked Beryl.

"Alright, here it is!"

Beryl waited another five seconds. "Zoisite, if you don't hand it over right now, I'm killing you!"

"Alright, alright!" said Zoisite, realizing the paint had finally dried. "Here it is!"

"Hmm," said Beryl. "I didn't realize it would be this round! It's almost like my crystal ball, but painted silver!"

"HEH HEH HEH!" laughed Zoisite very loudly. "But it's not, because it's the real thing!"

"Awesome!" exclaimed Queen Beryl. She wrapped her arms around it. "Yes, yes! I can feel its power, there's so much of it!"

"Mmhmm!" Zoisite nodded.

"This changes everything!" cried Beryl. "You pass! With an A+!"

"AWWwww yea!" said Zoisite.

"Time to page the others!" howled Beryl.

* * *

Nephrite was sleeping in his bed, having happy dreams of Maaaawwlly.

Suddenly, an incredibly loud alarm went off.

"AHHHH!" he screamed. In panic, he raced from the bedroom and went to run down the stairs. But he tripped on marbles that someone had left there, and fell down the steps. He tried to climb to his feet, but stepped in a bowl of Lucky Charms with all the marshmallows eaten out that someone had rudely left on the floor in the middle of his living room.

Finally he answered his phone.

"Nephrite!" howled Beryl. "Zoisite beat you! HAHAHAH!"

"WHAT?!" cried Nephrite. "But how?!"

"Because he's better than you, and my new favorite Shitennou! Now get over here so we can use the Silver Crystal to take over the world!"

"Hmph," Nephrite grunted, angrily teleporting to Beryl's.

* * *

Beryl stood before her audience of all the Shitennou and every monster in the Negaverse.

"It is with great pride that I honor our most brilliant member, Zoisite, with recovering the Silver Crystal!" Beryl exclaimed.

"Woot!" shouted Kunzite. "Rock on buddy!"

"Now, it is time that the Negaforce consumes the Earth, and also the entire universe!"

The crowd cheered. Zoisite sank in his seat.

"For this special occasion, I will awaken Queen Metalia!"

"That's not necessary!" blurted out Zoisite.

"Oh, nonsense," laughed Beryl. "I know she'd be furious if we woke her for no reason, but what greater reason is there than this!"

Metalia walked in despite not having a body nor legs.

"Zoisite, me boy!" said Metalia. "I always knew you could do it!"

"Umm… yeah!" said Zoisite.

"Now, let us all go to Tokyo and announce the end of times!"

They all teleported on top of the Tokyo tower.

"I'm really in for it this time," said Zoisite.

"What are you talking about?" asked Kunzite.

"Well," began Zoisite.

"PEOPLE OF EARTH!" yelled Beryl.

Everyone looked up at Beryl & Co. on top of the Tokyo Tower.

"What's going on?!" they cried.

"YOU WILL ALL BECOME THE NEGAVERSE!" howled Beryl. "Thanks to the power of the Silver Crystal, and my best friend Zoisite!"

Sailor Moon and the other Scouts started freaking out.

"Oh no!" cried Sailor Moon. "They stole the Silver Crystal!"

She pulled out her Moon Wand to fight them. "Wait, if they stole the Silver Crystal, then why do I still have it?"

"According to my calculations," said Ami. "They must have cloned it!"

"No, you bozo!" said Rei. "This is obviously some trick. Reverse-psychology, perhaps! To trick us into thinking that we don't have the crystal!"

"Everyone take your last breaths and say your final words! I WIN! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" howled Beryl.

"Not on my watch!" yelled Tuxedo Mask. He flew up to the sky to confront them while the people of Earth cheered him on.

Jadeite intervened, and shot lightning at him. They spun around in a circle, but then Jadeite tackled him into the water that was at the same height as the skyscraper.

"Anyway," said Beryl. "Kunzite! Take the crystal to the North Pole and release its power at D-Point!"

"Aye aye, captain!"

"Wait!" cried Zoisite.

"Hmm?" asked Kunzite.

"Maybe you shouldn't!" Zoisite shouted.

"Why not?" asked Kunzite.

"Yeah, why not?" asked Beryl.

Zoisite looked at Kunzite desperately. " _Come on_ ," he thought. " _You've known me for all these years. You know I'm not capable of getting the silver crystal!_ "

"Alright, so I'll just go ahead and do that," said Kunzite, teleporting away.

"Beryl, I need to go help him!" exclaimed Zoisite.

"Nonsense!" said Beryl. "He has the power of the Silver Imperium Crystal, he doesn't need your help! Besides, I want you to stay here so that everyone can see who caused this victory!"

Zoisite gulped.

* * *

"Silver Crystal, release your power!" yelled Kunzite. Queen Beryl's silver-painted crystal ball lit up and started releasing energy. But after a couple seconds, it stopped.

"Huh?" asked Kunzite. "Well that's strange. The Silver Crystal should have way more energy than that! Maybe I didn't do it right!"

Just then, the Sailors showed up.

"There's nothing you can do!" laughed Kunzite. "I have the crystal! I'll wipe you off the map with ease!"

He shot the "Silver Crystal" at them, but nothing happened.

"Is this thing on?" he asked, shaking it.

Sailor Moon took out the real Silver Crystal.

"Wait a second," realized Kunzite. "This is just Beryl's-"

Kunzite got obliterated.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Zoisite. "KUUUUNZIIIIITE!"

All the people of the Earth and Negaverse, who were watching it go down, turned to Zoisite.

Queen Beryl scowled.

"Uh oh," said Zoisite.

"Zoisite, you're fired," said Beryl.

"Fair enough," said Zoisite. He jumped off the Tokyo Tower.

FIN


	107. Jadeite Throws Thetis in the Dumpster

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Sorry Jadeite, but I only take new sources of energy from cool kids. And you're, how do I put this…? Uncool."

Jadeite gasped. A single tear dropped down his face.

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Zoisite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Oh boy!" said Beryl. "Tell me all about it!"

"But you hate Zoisite!" cried Jadeite.

"At least he's cool," sneered Beryl. "Which is more than I can say about you!"

"I understand," said Jadeite sadly. He left the room in shame.

* * *

That day, at lunch…

Jeddy approached the only table in the Nega-cafeteria. He went to sit down with his tray, but Nephrite put his legs up.

"Sorry, that seat's taken," said Nephrite.

"But I'm the only other Shitennou!" exclaimed Jadeite.

"My invisible friend Tomo is sitting here!" insisted Nephrite.

"I don't see anyone," said Jadeite accusingly.

"That's because he's invisible, LOSER!" yelled Kunzite.

"Now buzz off!" yelled Zoisite.

"But you guys hate Nephrite! Why are you sitting with him?!"

"At least he's cool," said Zoisite. "Which is more than we can say about you!"

Jadeite fled the room in tears.

* * *

Jadeite sat on a toilet in the bathroom and ate his grub alone.

"Aww," he said sadly. "My mashed potatoes taste like tears! Just like always!"

He continued to sob.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door.

"Let me in!" howled Beryl. "This is the only bathroom in the Negaverse!"

"Uh oh," thought Jadeite. "It would be too embarrassing if she saw me eating my food in here alone!"

He tried to flush his tray down the toilet, but it wouldn't fit.

"Occupied!" he yelled.

"JADEITE!" howled Beryl. "Let me in or it's an eternal sleep for you!"

Jadeite was out of options. He opened the door with his head down.

"Jadeite, why did you take a lunch tray in the bathroom? Were you eating in here alone?"

"No…" lied Jadeite.

"Then who were you eating with?"

"My imaginary friend Tomo?" tried Jadeite.

"HA!" scoffed Beryl. "Everyone knows Tomo only likes Nephrite!"

Jadeite threw a wild punch. It had no effect.

Beryl stole his lunch money and threw him in the dumpster. "LOOOOSER!" she yelled.

A few minutes later, Jadeite emerged from the dumpster, covered in garbage.

"Man," said Jadeite. "Being uncool is the worst. If only someone liked me for who I was, or at all. If there was someone out there, just one person who liked me, I would be so good to them. I would never treat them like these bullies are treating me."

"JADEITE!" cried Thetis. She was walking towards the dumpster with a bag of garbage to throw out, but dropped it in shock. "How are you doing, friend? I care about you as a person and like you so much! Why are you covered in garbage? You poor thing, let me help you!"

"AHHHHH!" cried Jadeite angrily. "Get your filthy mitts off me, you Nega-scum!"

Jadeite back-handed Thetis and spit in her direction. Then he teleported away.

Thetis stood up. "Aww, he's so dreamy!"

* * *

Jadeite took a shower and then sat down on his couch in his empty room. "Thetis was even worse than that garbage, that's why I showered!"

There was a knock on his wall.

"Come in!" he called.

Thetis teleported in.

"Aww yuck, it's you!" yelled Jadeite. "Get out, I'm busy!"

"Doing what?" Thetis asked kindly.

"Not being near YOUUUU!" he howled. He threw his lamp at her.

"Jadeite, why?!" cried Thetis. "I just want to be here for you!"

"RRRRRR BACK OFF!" howled Jadeite.

Nephrite, who was walking by after a fun and not lonely lunch, peaked his head in. "I heard that, Jadeite! Don't steal my lines you Nega-trash!"

He gave Jadeite a wedgie and walked away.

"He's so mean!" sobbed Jadeite. "I wish someone liked me!"

"Hey," said Thetis blushing madly. "Maybe there is someone who likes you! And maybe, she's been right in front of you this whole time!"

"Queen Beryl doesn't like me!" yelled Jadeite. "That's crazy talk!"

"No, maybe some other girl!" suggested Thetis.

"There's no other girls in the Negaverse," said Jadeite.

"I'm a girl," said Thetis.

"Yeah right," scoffed Jadeite. "More like a Nega-bozo!"

Thetis frowned.

"Now get out of my sight, you make me sick!" shouted Jadeite. "Scram!"

Thetis walked away sadly.

She ran into Nephrite at the vending machine outside of Jadeite's Nega-dorm room.

"Eww, did you just come out of Jadeite's room?" asked Nephrite.

"Yes," said Thetis.

"Why?" asked Nephrite. "He's so uncool! But you're one of the few Youmas with personality! That makes you like major cool! You shouldn't be hanging around someone like that, it will ruin your rep!"

"But I like him!" exclaimed Thetis.

"WHHHAAAAAT?!" gasped Nephrite. "B-b-b-ut… But no one likes Jadeite! If they did, he would be cool!"

"Well I do," repeated Thetis.

"Are you sick? Do you want to see the Nega-medic?" Nephrite asked.

"You don't understand!" cried Thetis, leaving.

"Hmph," said Nephrite. "What gives?"

* * *

Jadeite returned to Beryl's throne room.

"Beryl are you ready to hear my new source of energy?!"

"No"

"Hey, Queen B.!" called Thetis, teleporting in.

"THETIS!" said Beryl happily. "How ya been girl? Got me a new source of energy?"

"Hey!" cried Jadeite. "She's just a Youma! I'm one of your elite four!"

"But you're lame," stated Beryl.

"Actually, my Queen," said Thetis. "My plan was something that involved Jadeite as well."

"Hmm," said Beryl. "He's not cool… but he might make a good meat shield. What's your plan?"

"Not important," said Thetis. "So can me and Jadeite go out on the prowl?"

"Hey! Don't group us together!" yelled Jadeite.

"Sure," said Beryl. "But only if you supervise him. He's a bit of a dead weight."

"But Beryl!" cried Jadeite. "I don't wanna go with her! Youmas have cooties!"

"Silence nerd!" yelled Beryl. "Don't make me throw you in the dumpster again!"

Jadeite shut his mouth.

"Now go!" yelled Beryl.

They both took off.

* * *

"So Jadeite," said Thetis flirtatiously.

Jadeite walked down the streets in his suspicious overcoat, hat, and shades, while Thetis trailed behind, trying to keep up.

"So what's your plan?" she asked.

"Quiet!" yelled Jadeite. "You'll blow our cover!"

"What cover?" Thetis asked.

"None of your business!" barked Jadeite. "I know what I'm doing! I don't need you here!"

"That's not what Queen Beryl said," teased Thetis.

"RRRRRRR BACK OFF!" yelled Jadeite.

Nephrite appeared in front of him. "Jadeite, this is your last warning! Don't you dare say one of my lines again, or I will teach you a lesson the old-fashioned way!"

Nephrite cracked his knuckles and left.

"You know what?" said Jadeite. "Go stand on the other side of the street! I don't want to be seen with you!"

Thetis sadly crossed the street.

"Wait!" yelled Jadeite, just a bus was coming down the street.

"Yes, Jadeite?" Thetis asked, her eyes growing huge as she stopped and turned in the middle of the road.

A bus hit her.

"Good riddance," said Jadeite.

A few minutes later, she stumbled up to Jadeite, covered in bruises.

"That wasn't very nice," said Thetis.

"Can it," said Jadeite. "Your appearance isn't very nice!"

Thetis gasped. "You know, I took your side and got Beryl to not kill you!"

"I didn't need your help!" shouted Jadeite. "And she wasn't gonna kill me!"

"Yes she was," insisted Thetis. "She would have killed you weeks ago if I wasn't putting in good words and blaming all your failures on myself!"

"Pathetic!" yelled Jadeite. "Go eat shit!"

"But I love you!" cried Thetis.

"Not my problem," said Jadeite. "Now go find a hole to die in!"

"Jadeite!" Thetis exclaimed.

"I didn't ask you for your opinion!" howled Jadeite.

"You're no better than those bullies that bully you!"

"Take that back!" cried Jadeite, throwing Thetis in a dumpster.

He took off to go enact his energy snatching plan.

* * *

"Nyeh heh heh!" cackled Jadeite. "Now that that annoying pest is gone, I can get all the energy Beryl will ever want!"

He walked into the old age home. "This is easy pickings!" he laughed. "These old geezers won't have a fighting chance!"

He went into a random room, and spotted an old lady watching TV.

"Your energy now belongs to the Negaverse!" he howled, starting to confiscate her energy.

"Hey!" she yelled. "Back in my day, people respected their elders!"

She slapped Jadeite with her purse, knocking him out of his energy-snatching trance.

"Hey, watch it!" cried Jadeite. "I can dispose of you with ease!"

"That's what the Germans said in WW1, but they couldn't pull it off, and neither can you!"

The woman hit Jadeite over the head with her walker, knocking him to the floor.

She then proceeded to pummel him with her cane and purse combo-breaker.

"Oww!" cried Jadeite. "You are nothing! I can take you out whenever I OWWW choose! Just you wait and OWWWWW see, you old ugly YOUCH!"

"Yeah, keep pushing your luck," Jadeite taunted as he was pummeled. "It will be the death of YOUUUUCH!"

Just then, the staff came in.

"This young whipper-snapper was trying to make a move on me!" cried the lady.

"Wait what?" said Jadeite.

The guards man-handled Jadeite and threw him outside. "And stay out, you creepy pervert!" they yelled.

They turned and went back inside.

"Yeah, you better run!" shouted Jadeite.

He decided to try sneaking in through a window this time. He spotted a decrepit-looking old man through one of the windows, so he kicked in the window and hopped through it.

"Your energy now belongs to the-"

Rei's Grandpa turned around, and Jadeite's face turned white.

Jadeite made a break for it, but Grandpa grabbed him by the leg and pulled him back.

"Not so fast, Jadeite," said Grandpa, addressing him by name. "I'm going to have a lot of fun with you!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!" cried Jadeite, in a similar manner to when he was hit by that plane.

* * *

2 hours later, the entire retirement community had Jadeite on a slow-roaster and were rotating him over a fire, trying to cook him to a medium-rare.

"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!" cried Jadeite. "ANYONE! ANYONE AT ALL!"

No one responded.

"IF ONLY SOMEONE LIKED ME! IF ONLY!"

Then something dawned on him.

"Wait a minute, Thetis likes me! THEEEETIIIIIS!" he cried.

Thetis teleported in.

"Jadeite!" she said surprised.

"Oh man am I glad to see you!" exclaimed Jadeite. "As you can see, I'm in a bit of a pickle, so if you could be a dear and tag in here…"

"Hmph," said Thetis. "You have some nerve, Jed!"

"I'm sorry!" cried Jadeite. "If I make it out of here alive, I might consider dating you, if you beg me!"

"Go to Hell!" yelled Thetis. She left.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! COME BACK!" cried Jadeite.

The elders ended up over-cooking Jadeite, so he was thrown out the door. Luckily he was accustomed to being burnt, so he wasn't dead.

"That was a close one!" he said. He went back to his dorm.

He started pacing around angrily.

"Man, that Thetis!" he yelled. "The nerve of that pest, not saving me even though I acknowledged her existence! She so stupid, and ugly, and….. and… OH MY GOD I LOVE HER!"

Jadeite fell to the floor. "She's amazing! Why did I only realize her value after she treated me like garbage? She reminds of Beryl… she's so dreamy!"

Jadeite floated out of his door in a love cloud, and stopped by the vending machine where Nephrite was taking a smoke break.

"Nephrite!" exclaimed Jadeite. "I'm in love!"

"Yes," said Nephrite. "We all know you love Beryl."

"Wait what?" asked Jadeite. "Have you been going through my diary?"

"Yes," said Nephrite.

"D'ah," laughed Jadeite. "But it's not Beryl."

"Is it Zoisite?" asked Nephrite.

"Eww, yuck! No, why?" replied Jadeite.

"I don't know," said Nephrite. "He's the closest thing to a girl around here, next to Beryl. If he hadn't tried to kill me, I might have gone for that!"

"Wait what?" said Jadeite.

"Nevermind," said Nephrite. "Wait, are you gay Jadeite?"

"No!" cried Jadeite. "She's a beautiful perfect Youma, named Thetis!"

"Oh, you mean that one that was nice to you but then you spurned her and now she hates you?"

"Yeah, that one," said Jadeite.

"HA!" laughed Nephrite. "Good luck winning her back, you're gonna need it!"

"RRRRrRR BACK OFF!" yelled Jadeite, before he could stop himself.

"Jaaaaaaadeiiiite!" began Nephrite.

Jadeite back-handed him and quickly teleported away.

* * *

Jadeite appeared outside of Thetis's house.

"Man," said Jadeite. "Since when did Youmas have nicer houses than me?"

He picked up a large boulder and threw it at her window. It went through her window and most of her house.

She ran outside in her nightgown. "WHAT THE HELL!?" she cried. "WHO DID THIS!? DID SOMEONE COME HERE WITH A WRECKING BALL!?"

"No," said Jadeite. "It was me. I saw someone do that as a romantic gesture on a soap opera once!"

"RRRR BACK OFF!" yelled Thetis.

Jadeite looked around, but there was no Nephrite this time.

"Typical biased Nephrite," sighed Jadeite.

"Leave me alone!" yelled Thetis. "And stop breaking my house!"

"No!" cried Jadeite.

"You won't stop breaking my house?" asked Thetis in disbelief.

"No, I mean I won't stop loving you!"

"You… you love me?" asked Thetis in shock.

"YEAH! YEAH!" exclaimed Jadeite.

"You have a funny way of showing it," said Thetis.

"No, that's cuz I didn't like you then, but I like you now!"

"Hmm," said Thetis. "Well, I can't promise to forgive you, but I'll give you a chance to possibly earn my affections back."

"Whoppeee!" said Jadeite.

* * *

Jadeite sat there dully at Thetis's picnic.

"Here Jeddy, I made sandwiches!" offered Thetis. "Try one!"

She shoved it towards Jadeite.

"I can't do this anymore!" screamed Jadeite, standing up. "You're garbage and I hate you!"

Thetis gasped. "But Jadeite!"

"RRRRRRRRR BACK OFF!" yelled Jadeite.

Suddenly Nephrite leaped out of the picnic basket. He karate chopped Jadeite's head off, and then took his sandwich.

"My hero!" exclaimed Thetis. "Are you seeing anyone?"

"Rrrrrr BACK OFF!" yelled Nephrite. "I do it best," he then said, teleporting away.

"He's so dreamy," sighed Thetis.

FIN


	108. Nephrite Gets Hit By A Tsunami

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"What is it?" asked Queen Beryl.

"Well, it's not so much a new source of energy as it is a way to save our planet," explained Jadeite.

"Jadeite," said Beryl. "What do you think the goal of the Negaverse is?"

"Something about sunspots?" he asked.

"Exactly," said Beryl. "We want to kill Earth."

Jadeite gasped. "But… but global warming is already doing that!"

"Global what?" asked Beryl.

"Global warming!" Jadeite repeated. "If we don't spread the word about it, the humans will kill themselves before we can kill them! They'll ruin everything!"

"Oh no!" cried Beryl. "Jadeite, go stop this dreaded global warming this instant! That's an order!"

"Yes ma'am!" exclaimed Jadeite, teleporting away in a frenzy.

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Zoisite after Jadeite left. "When am I gonna get to snatch some energy?"

"Never," said Beryl. "I'm going to send you on a wild goose chase for a single crystal that we're not even sure exists and could possibly be split into seven or more pieces!"

"Screw you, Beryl!" said Zoisite.

"Lel," said Beryl. "At least I'm not making you search for the princess of the moon who could literally be any girl on the planet. Hey, that's actually something we should send someone to look for! Zoisite, what's the name of your boyfriend again?"

"Kunzite…" said Zoisite slowly.

"Yeah, tell him his job is to find the moon princess!"

"Do we have a lead?" asked Zoisite.

"Absolutely not."

"D'ah," said Zoisite.

* * *

Nephrite was sipping expensive champagne when he heard a knock on his Earth mansion door.

"Zoisite, go away!" he hollered.

"I'm already inside," said Zoisite, sitting on the couch.

"Oh, then who can be at the door?" asked Nephrite. "I swear, if it's Jadeite…"

He opened the door.

"Hey, it's me, Jadeite!" howled Jadeite.

Nephrite closed the door. Jadeite let himself in through the doggy door.

"Damn," said Nephrite. "I don't even have a dog!"

"Listen guys, I'm here to spread the word of global warming!" exclaimed Jadeite.

"Global what?" asked Nephrite.

"Global warming! I don't know what it means precisely, but it's going to be the death of us all! It's melting the ice glaciers and burning the ozone layer! Here, take this pin and this pamphlet!"

Jadeite handed Nephrite a pamphlet and stabbed him with a pin.

Nephrite skimmed the pamphlet. "This is ridiculous. It has no proof nor scientific basis. And burning fossil fuels is actually good for the planet! They're a renewable resource!"

"I don't think so," said Jadeite. "Quick, donate to my cause! Or else the ice caps will melt and send a huge tsunami this way! Since ya' know, Japan and all."

"HA!" scoffed Nephrite. "As if I would fall for that. Now, everyone out of my house!"

"Does that include me?" asked Zoisite.

"What do you think?" asked Nephrite.

"No," said Zoisite.

"GET OUUUUUUUT!" howled Nephrite, shoving Zoisite and Jadeite out the door.

"Wait!" cried Zoisite. "Take this umbrella!"

"Huh?" asked Nephrite. "Why?"

"You'll see," said Zoisite. Him and Jed teleported away.

* * *

"So, you know that guy Nephrite?" began Zoisite once he was inside him and Kunzite's castle.

"Hmph, I've heard of him, but only bad things," replied Kunzite.

"Yeah, well this is unbelievable. He thinks global warming is a myth!"

"Global what?" asked Kunzite.

Zoisite gasped. "Global warming!" he cried. "Jadeite told me all about it! See look, he gave me this pin!"

Kunzite examined the pin on Zoisite's uniform that said "Keep Earth Green!"

"That's a nice pin," said Kunzite. "But I'm not convinced."

"Oh by the way," remembered Zoisite. "Beryl wants you to look for some moon prince or something."

"Awww no," said Kunzite. "Does she have a lead?"

"Absolutely none," said Zoisite. "We don't even know if she's a girl, or if she exists."

"Dammit," said Kunzite. "Well one thing's for certain. We know that if she does exist, she's certainly not in Tokyo."

"Definitely," said Zoisite. "So we'll have to start with every place except Tokyo. Let's start in Paris, I've always wanted to go there!"

* * *

Mamoru Chiba heard a knock on his door.

"I swear, if it's Jadeite again…"

Mamoru opened the door and then shut it. Jadeite let himself in through the window.

"Mamoru, my boy! Have you heard?"

"Heard what a big nuisance you are?" asked Mamoru.

"No, about global warming!"

"Don't know, don't care!" said Chiba.

"Well you of all people should!" insisted Jadeite. "Being the prince of the Earth and all."

"Wait what?" asked Mamoru.

"Oh wait, you don't remember that yet," laughed Jadeite.

"Wait what?" repeated Mamoru.

"Anyway, if the Earth dies, YOU DIE!" Jadeite wailed.

Mamoru was about to attempt to charge Jadeite, but he knew how it would end and stopped himself.

"Look," said Mamoru. "No one wants to hear about your global warming!"

Just then, Motoki came dashing in. "Did someone say global warming!?" he cried.

"I did!" yelled Jadeite.

"OMG!" said Motoki. "That's our biggest threat yet! Even bigger than that guy that appeared in the sky the other night and wanted to fight the sailors at the airport!"

"Now wait just a second," began Jadeite.

"Hey, is that a 'Save the Earth' pin?" asked Motoki. "Can I have ten?"

"You can have 20!" Jadeite exclaimed. "And here, read this pamphlet!"

"Oh boy oh boy!"

Mamoru stood there angrily.

Motoki read through the whole pamphlet in five minutes. "Mamoru, Mamoru, this is serious! We gotta make a bunker! The tsunami will be here any second!"

"There is no tsunami!" shouted Mamoru. "The ice caps are not melting!"

"But Japan!" cried Motoki. He dragged Mamoru to the arcade, which had a secret bunker underneath.

"What is this place?" asked Mamoru and Jed in shock.

"Oh, it's only in the manga and Crystal," laughed Motoki. "Now eat some canned soup, we're gonna be here a while!"

"This is ridiculous," sighed Mamoru.

* * *

Nephrite stepped outside the next morning and picked up his newspaper.

"HA! Global warming! That's a good one!"

He chortled loudly. "In fact, there's actually a strong, chilly wind! The very opposite of warming! Those so-called scientists don't know anything!"

Nephrite walked further outside to appreciate the cool and not warm weather.

While gloating, he looked up to the sky. "The sky is so blue today," he mused. "Like… really blue! Almost ocean blue! Wait a second, what's that sound?"

Nephrite took a step back and found himself face to face with a tsunami. It was towering over him about 100 stories.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" he cried. He had no time to run or teleport. He put his arms out in a defensive stance, and pulled out Zoisite's umbrella. "Wait a second, how's an umbrella going to-"

The tsunami crashed into Nephrite and his mansion with the force of millions of tons of rushing water. He was smashed into the ground and buried alive.

"YOUUUUUCH!" he gurgled.

He was then thrown up into the air like a ragdoll, and then hit by an oncoming car being pushed by the wave at five million miles per hour.

"UUUUUUGRH!" he howled.

* * *

10 days later, the wave finally receded, and all that was left of Tokyo was rubble.

Nephrite regained consciousness, and found himself hanging upside-down from a tree.

"Huh? What?" he asked in confusion.

The tree branch broke and he fell to the ground.

"YOUCH!" he shouted.

Zoisite and Kunzite teleported in. "HAHA!" they laughed.

"Shut it!" said Nephrite. "I'm going home!"

He turned around, but there was no home. His mansion was in ruins.

"NO!" cried Nephrite. "All my alcohol bottles must have shattered!"

Just then, a single bottle floated towards him.

"AHA!" he said happily. He drunk the bottle and then started to cry.

"There there," said Zoisite. "You couldn't have seen this coming. Oh wait, Jadeite warned you about this! Awwwwwww, what a shame, what a shame!"

Nephrite continued to cry. "My house! It's gone!"

"Not our problem!" laughed Kunzite and Zoisite, heading for the hills.

They teleported home.

"Good thing we live in the Negaverse," said Zoisite. "So the wave didn't affect us!"

"Hey guys," said Nephrite. "Hope you don't mind if I crash here until I get back on my feet!"

"Gosh darn it!" said Zoisite. "I hate when people invade my house without permission!"

"Hmph," said Nephrite accusingly. "By the way, your fridge is empty."

"But it was full when we left!" exclaimed Kunzite.

"Oops," said Nephrite. "Losing my home really made me hungry. Also I was out of it for like ten days, so I was barely alive."

Zoisite and Kunzite huddled up.

"What do we do?!" cried Zoisite.

"Should I kill him?" asked Kunzite.

"This would be an appropriate time," stated Zoisite.

"You better not," said Beryl, who was in their huddle as well.

They both leapt back in shock.

"Ahhh!" cried Kunzite. "Beryl! When did you get here?!"

"I'm moving in," said Beryl. "The North Pole melted and flooded my throne room. So I will stay here until I get back on my feet!"

"Can we at least kill Nephrite?" pleaded Kunzite.

"No," said Beryl. "I'm the only one that can kill him!"

"But you can't kill him!" said Zoisite.

"Shhh," said Beryl. "He doesn't know that yet."

"Whelp, I guess we have to make sleeping arrangements," sighed Kunzite.

"I want the master bedroom," demanded Beryl.

"But Beryl!" said Zoisite. "That's our bedroom!"

"No anymore," said Beryl. "You live in MY Negaverse!"

"But!" said Zoisite.

"Do you want an eternal sleep?" asked Beryl.

"Kunzite, say something!" said Zoisite.

"Well, urmm… mmm… hrmm," said Kunzite.

"KUUUUNNNZIIIITE!" cried Zoisite.

"I'm gonna go clear our belongings from the bedroom," Kunzite said quickly, making a hasty retreat.

"Ugh," said Zoisite. "This is awful. But at least Jadeite's not here begging to move in too! Wait a second, where is Jadeite?"

* * *

5,000 feet underground…

"When do you think the tsunami's going to hit?" asked Jed.

"Any minute now!" said Motoki.

"What if it's already hit?" thought Jadeite suddenly, as the possibility dawned on him.

"Hmm, good point," agreed Motoki. He looked through the lookout scope, and all he could see was water.

"GUWAAAAH!" howled Motoki in shock.

"What'd you see?" asked Mamoru.

"It's gone!" cried Motoki. "It's all gone!"

"Damn," said Mamoru. "Looks like we have to repopulate the Earth."

Motoki looked nervously to the side. "I hoped it wouldn't come to this but… I've always loved you Mamoru. Let's do this!"

"Hey, what about me?" said Jed.

"Sorry, we don't want the human race DNA to be polluted by your lousy genes!" sneered Mamoru.

"Tartar sauce!" cried Jed. "Can I have some soup at least?"

Fin


	109. Kunzite & Friends Get Stranded At Sea

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Jadeite, I haven't seen Kunzite in five years. Have you seen him?"

"Hmm," said Jed. "Sorry ma'am, I haven't."

"I wonder where he could be," said Beryl.

* * *

Kunzite slowly opened his eyes, and all he saw was the ocean and the sky. "Where… where am I?" he wondered. He tried to teleport back to the Negaverse, but all his powers were gone.

"What's going on?!" cried Kunzite to the heavens.

"Hey, you don't have to be so loud," squeaked Diana the baby cat.

"Awww no, it's one of these chapters," groaned Kunzite.

"You got that right!" said Grandpa. "It's just me and my best boys and cat, stranded in the middle of the ocean!"

"But how did I get here?" asked Kunzite.

"That's not important," said Grandpa. "What is important is harpooning a whale for supper. Will you hold me while I cast my harpoon?"

"Back off!" yelled Kunzite.

"Not to worry," said Melvin. "I have come up with a solution to propel the boat to land. It requires a simple motor and some fuel."

"We don't have any!" squeaked Diana.

"Uh oh," said Melvin. "Onto plan F."

"Wait, what about plans A through E?" asked Kunzite.

"You weren't conscious for that," said Melvin.

"WHY NOT!?" screamed Kunzite. "WHAT GIVES!? WHY DON'T I HAVE MY POWERS?!"

"Well," explained Grandpa. "It all started back in the Silver Millennium."

"You know what?" decided Kunzite. "I don't care. How long have I been out?"

"Five," said Melvin.

"Five what?! Hours?! Days?!"

"Years," said Melvin.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Kunzite. He threw a wild punch, breaking Melvin's glasses but not doing much more because he had no powers.

"I can't see!" cried Melvin. "I'm useless!"

"You were useless from the start," said Grandpa, who was starting to get sea-crazy. "Actually, I can think of one use for you."

Grandpa licked his lips. "DINNER!" he howled, charging Melvin with a fork made out of his toenails and teeth.

"WA WA AW A WA AW AAW AW!" screeched Melvin.

Diana got in the middle and broke them up. "Guys, stop!" she cried. "We need to keep it together!"

Grandpa looked down at baby cat, but all he saw was a chicken leg.

He put her in his mouth, and went to take a chomp.

"Spit that out!" cried Melvin, punching him in the stomach. He spit out baby cat and a hot pocket.

"Hot pocket!" cried baby cat, snatching it and fleeing into the water.

She didn't get very far because Kunzite grabbed her and put her back in the boat.

"You're not leaving me with these two bozos," said Kunzite.

"According to my calculations," began Melvin, "Since there are four of us on the boat, we must split the hot pocket into four equal sections."

"Oops," said baby cat with crumbs on her face.

"NOOOOOOO!" cried Melvin. "She ate the hot pocket! Now we're gonna starve!"

Kunzite reached in his pocket and pulled out a paddle ball. "Why is this in my pocket?!" he cried. He reached in his other pocket in hopes of finding food, but instead found a yo-yo.

"Gimme gimme gimme!" exclaimed Melvin.

"Back off, bozo!" said Kunzite kicking him.

"HOW WILL WE GET OUT OF HERE?!" howled Grandpa, flailing wildly.

"I think we should just hold our ground," said Kunzite. "I'm sure the Negaverse has been looking non-stop for me ever since I disappeared. They'll find us any minute."

* * *

"Hmm," said Beryl, eyeing her Shitennou. "Didn't there used to be four of you?"

"Yes," said Zoisite. "I used to have a boyfriend named Kunzite." He started to cry.

"What-zite?" asked Beryl. "Never heard of him, get back to work. I need that silver crystal!"

* * *

Kunzite was starting to get delusional from lack of food. He turned to Grandpa and looked at him with big eyes.

"Oh my," said Grandpa blushing. "Are you checking me out?"

"Yes," said Kunzite. But all he saw was a tasty boiled lobster. "Mmmmm," said Kunzite.

"Mmmmmmmmmm," replied Grandpa flirtatiously. "So are we gonna do this?"

"Wait guys, I've drawn a Venn diagram!" exclaimed Melvin. "I made it out of my own blood and tears!"

"This shows the pros and cons of eating one of the members of the crew!" exclaimed Diana. "That's terrible!"

"It appears that Diana is in the middle of the Venn diagram," noted Kunzite. "That means we should eat her?"

"No," said Melvin. "That means that there will be both pros and cons of that. One con is that she's not much of a meal. The other is that she provides the crew with hopeful optimism."

"Hmph," said Kunzite, considering it. "How about this side, with only pros? Who's Melvin again?"

"That would be me," said Melvin.

"Oh yeah, let's eat him!"

"I agree!" said Melvin. "There are only pros to eating- hey wait a second!"

Melvin threw the Venn diagram in the ocean. "Oh well, time for plan G!"

"NOOOOO! THE VENN DIAGRAM!" cried Grandpa. "We could have eaten that!"

"We could have," said Kunzite slowly. "But I think I'm just going to have the lobster."

"Yeah, we can catch some lobsters!" agreed Melvin.

But Kunzite closed in on Grandpa.

Grandpa fluttered his eyelashes. Kunzite went in for the kill and lunged at him.

But Grandpa saw it coming a hundred miles away, and swiftly dodged.

Kunzite couldn't stop in time and lunged into the ocean instead.

"I knew you only liked me for my tasty lobster meat!" cried Grandpa sadly. "Wait a minute, I AM a lobster!" he remembered.

Grandpa's theme music came on and surpassed his human form and took the form of one of the rainbow crystal carriers, Cross-Eyed Lobster.

"Yum, let's dig in!" said Kunzite, climbing back on the boat.

"No, I can swim us out of here!"

"THE OCEAN IS MY HOME NOW!" howled Melvin, clinging to the boat.

But Kunzite picked him up and hopped on Grandpa's back. Diana tagged along as well.

Grandpa took off in a rapid swim like a motorboat, going 3,000 miles a second.

Melvin was unable to hang on and flew off into the vast ocean, where he was soon devoured by a shark.

Baby cat died from the turbulence.

By the time Grandpa skittered to shore, Kunzite was the only one remaining.

"We did it Gramps!" said Kunzite, ecstatic.

But Grandpa started coughing. "I over-exerted myself," he said flatly. He curled up into a ball and died.

"Damn," said Kunzite. "He was a good man. Hey, I got my powers back! That's wacky!"

Kunzite teleported back to the Negaverse.

FIN


	110. Future Jed is not a fan of Crystal Tokyo

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Finally!" exclaimed Queen Beryl with great relief. "I was waiting all day to hear this!"

"Really?" asked Jadeite.

"No," said Beryl.

Jadeite started whimpering and began to tear up. In a rare and uncharacteristic moment of sympathy, Beryl took pity on him.

"I wasn't waiting all day… I was waiting all week!" she said mercifully.

"Aww Beryl, you're the greatest!" said Jadeite, beginning to sob joyfully.

Queen Beryl sighed. "I think I'm going soft."

"Queen Beryl!" howled Nephrite. "I got another DUI!"

"Nephrite!" yelled Beryl. "That's coming right out of your paycheck!"

"Jokes on you, I don't get a paycheck!" scoffed Nephrite.

"Why I oughtta-" began Beryl.

"Queen Beryl!" howled Zoisite. "Nephrite got another DUI! I think you should punish him!"

"Maybe I should punish YOU!" howled Beryl.

She pulled out her crystal ball, but Kunzite teleported in.

"Aye, none of that!" he howled. "Punish me instead, it's my fault. I trained him."

"Nice try Kunzite but you know I couldn't punish you even if I tried," scoffed Beryl. "Zoisite, you get detention after school."

"Tartar sauce, I'd rather die," said Zoisite.

"Har har," said Nephrite. "So about that DUI, are you gonna pay for that?"

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Alright, everyone SHUT UP!" yelled Beryl. "Let's just have quiet time. I'll kill the next person to make a sound."

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" yelled Jadeite.

"Alright, THAT'S IT!" screamed Beryl.

"It wasn't me," said Jadeite.

"Then who was it?"

"It was me," said Jadeite.

Everyone gasped. A different Jadeite was laying in the middle of the throne room. He was in a goofy lighter colored uniform, and he had a cape. He looked older, as well.

"Who are you supposed to bu?" asked Beryl in shock.

"Yeah!" sneered the normal Jadeite. "There can only be one!"

"How dare you wear a cape?!" Kunzite added in. "Only lords wear capes!"

"Greetings," said Jadeite, who everyone had now realized was from the future. "I am Jadeite, from the future."

"That's impossible!" cried Beryl.

"It would seem that way, but 1,000 years have passed and we have made great advances in time travel, and-"

"No, I mean I'm sure I would have killed you by then!"

"Wait, how is it a thousand years later?!" asked Nephrite. "Did we win, and live on immortally in the darkness?!"

"As if," laughed Future Jadeite. "But alas, Earth was just frozen for a thousand years for some reason, and then Sailor Moon took over and there was a new Silver Millennium."

"NOOOOOOOOO!" cried Beryl. "The first was boring enough!"

"That's why I have come here," continued Future Jed. "We have to change time and make Crystal Tokyo non-canon, like it already is for this timeline! Seriously, it's multi-verse theory. Just watch DBZ!"

"This… this is crazy!" said Kunzite. "Why aren't we dead though, if we didn't win?"

"After Sailor Moon defeated Beryl," began Future Jed.

"Uh oh," said Beryl.

"We were brought back to life to guard Prince Endymion once again!"

"Once again?!" the Shitennou gasped.

"Hahaha I was gonna tell you, I swear!" lied Beryl. "I was just waiting for the right moment."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" they all cried.

"What a horrible and twisted fate!" exclaimed Kunzite.

"That's not the worst of it," explained Future Jadeite. "He has this terrible hideous daughter Chibiusa, and we have to guard her too! LIFE IS A LIVING NIGHTMARE!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" everyone screamed.

They all started to panic.

"What do we do to stop this!?" cried Present Jadeite.

"That's why I came back to the past," replied Future Jadeite. "I took the secret Moon Kingdom-only time door, because I'm part of the family now! But Mayo assaulted me anyway," he said with a frown. "Luckily I solved her riddle and was able to pass."

"Who's Mayo?" asked Beryl.

"Setsuna Meiyo," answered Future Jadeite. "Sailor Pluto."

"There's… there's more than five sailors?! No… NO… NOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Beryl.

"So what do we do to stop this?!" repeated Present Jed.

"I've got it!" announced Zoisite. "Let's just kill Mamoru!"

"NO!" screamed Beryl. "NEVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR…. Never!"

"But Beryl!" Zoisite tried to talk logically.

"Zoisite do you want an eternal sleep?"

"No," said Zoisite. "But I really think-"

"Then CAAAAAAAAN it!"

"Everyone shut up," said Kunzite. "Let's all listen to Future Jadeite's pre-calculated and surefire plan to fix things."

They all turned to Future Jadeite.

"Uh oh," said Future Jadeite. "I really didn't think I'd get this far. I thought Beryl would just think I'm regular Jed and kill me. I have no plan. I just wanted to get away, for even death beats boring Crystal Tokyo! And the worst part is, I'm going to be forced to live for another 9,000 years!" he sobbed.

"Even Jadeite doesn't deserve that!" cried Beryl.

"How about," began Nephrite. "We just mess everything up, and then Future Jadeite checks and sees if it works to change the future?"

"Awesome!" exclaimed Future and Present Jadeite simultaneously.

"Alright," decided Beryl. "Since I die anyway, it doesn't affect me, but you guys should go for it!"

"Yeah yeah yeah!" they all agreed.

"Wait!" said Beryl, upon reconsidering things. "I might actually have a chance of survival if you really screw around! So for ultimate success, I think you should all get in teams of two!"

"Work together?!" gasped Nephrite. "That's madness!"

"Everyone pick a straw, and the person whose name is on it is your partner!" suggested Zoisite.

He held out the straws, and everyone picked one.

"Oh look, I'm with Kunzite! What are the odds?" exclaimed Zoisite.

"Zoisite, did you cheat?" asked Nephrite.

"No," said Zoisite.

"There aren't even names on these straws," objected Future Jed.

"Yes there are," lied Zoisite. "See, you're paired with Past Jed!"

"Awww yea!" said both Jeds.

"Hey I don't have a partner!" realized Nephrite.

"Bummer," said Zoisite.

Everyone teleported away.

"Hmm," thought Nephrite. "I'll go get Mawly! I can always count on her!"

* * *

"Alright," said Present Jadeite. "I think we should take this opportunity to do some good for the world!"

"I was thinking the same thing!" agreed Future Jadeite. "And I know just what to do. In the future, they invent these things called cellphones. People text on them all the time, and they never pay attention to the people they're actually with!"

"Oh yeah, it's the 90's," remembered Present Jadeite.

"It's the worst thing that's ever happened to society! And if you're bad at spelling or typing, it takes you forever to communicate! Towards the end of my time working with Beryl, she wouldn't even call me on the phone! She'd just text me the death threats!"

"That's awful!" cried Present Jadeite.

"Yes," said Future Jadeite. "So let's go kill Apple!"

Future and Present Jadeite showed up at the Apple Corporation building.

"Oh yeah, so this place Apple," began Future Jadeite.

"Never heard of it," said 90's Jed.

"Here's their scheme. They make you buy their newest phone for $6,000! And you're like, hey, I just spent my life's savings, but at least for that price this will last me a long time! And then a week later, they release a newer phone, and you can't download any of the new apps and people throw you in the dumpster and treat you like garbage because you have the wrong iOS!"

Jadeite gasped. "The future is a dark place."

"You're telling me," said Future Jadeite.

They blew up the Apple building and erased it from history.

"eZZZZZ" said Jeds.

"Now what?" asked Present Jadeite.

"There's also this terrible thing called Facebook in the future!" began Jadeite. "You friend all these people, but none of them are really your friends!"

"Say no more," said Jadeite.

* * *

Nephrite drove down the street with Molly in the shotgun.

"So yeah, we just gotta mess shit up," explained Nephrite.

"Oy understand," said Molly. "I wouldn't want to work for Usagi's boyfriend either!"

"I wouldn't mind! Oh, and hidy ho!" shouted Melvin, popping up from the backseat.

"What are you doing in my car?!" cried Nephrite, swerving wildly.

"Nephroyt, I told you we gotta take him with us!" insisted Molly.

"WHHHYYYY?!" demanded Nephrite.

"He told his mum he would be with me for the day, and he doesn't want to be caught telling a fib!" Molly explained.

Nephrite groaned. "So how should we wreak havoc?"

"Let's go cheat so I can get 100 on a test, and finally beat that pest Ami Mizuno!" suggested Melvin.

"How would that change the future?" asked Nephrite.

"She would kill herself and the Sailors would fall apart. Then the Negaverse would be in the position for world domination!" said Melvin.

"Huh," said Nephrite in surprise. "That's actually a good idea! Let's go!"

* * *

Later that day, at the United Nations meeting…

"Emperors of Japan, you wanted to announce something?" asked the head of the U.N.

"Yes," said Kunzite and Zoisite disguise. "We don't like the way America bombed us 50 years ago. We declare war!"

"On who?" asked the chairman.

"EVERYONE!" they howled.

"Put em up!" yelled Kunzite. He started throwing punches at the leaders of all the countries. A mob fight broke out and they all started fighting each other.

Kunzite and Zoisite teleported away to their Negaverse mansion. They turned on the news.

"Breaking news, it's World War 3!" cried the news person, before getting blown up by a nuclear bomb.

"There can't be a Crystal Tokyo without a Tokyo!" laughed Kunzite as Japan was nuked again.

"Is Iraq gone yet?" asked Zoisite. "I don't like the way they behead gay people."

"Not yet," said Kunzite.

They teleported to the CIA headquarters and fired all the nukes they had in store. The Middle East was gone.

"Good riddance," said Zoisite.

"Oh shit, the oil prices!" realized Kunzite.

They went to the stock market.

"no no no No no nO!" screamed Kunzite.

"What's the matter?" asked Zoisite.

"The stock market has crashed! All my Apple stocks are garbage now! How could this have happened?!"

"Let's blow up the stock market," suggested Zoisite.

They blew up the stock market, and Wall Street went to chaos.

* * *

Queen Beryl sat on her computer. "I know how I'll mess up the future!"

She went on Prince Endymion's Wiki page.

She scrolled down to relationships and read a line out loud. "Endymion was engaged to Princess Serenity on the moon, and once reborn they resumed their relationship and have a daughter in the future."

Beryl erased Princess Serenity's name and put her own. Then she replaced the main picture with fanart, and filled the trivia with non-canon facts.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAH!" she howled. "Nothing will never be the same again!"

All the Shitennou teleported back at that moment.

She quickly closed her browser. "What do you have to report?"

"We blew up Apple!" said the Jeds.

"You bastards!" howled Kunzite. "I could have made millions!"

"I don't know what that is," said Beryl. "You get an F."

"We helped Melvin pass a test," said Nephrite.

"Good effort," said Beryl.

"We started World War III and also erased the Middle East and raised oil prices by 2 million percent," said Zoisite and Kunzite.

"Meh," said Beryl. "Very insignificant. But this should still be enough to ruin the future!"

"I guess this is goodbye," said Future Jadeite.

"I'm going to miss you," whimpered Past Jadeite.

"I'll always be right here," said Future Jadeite, pointing to Jadeite's heart.

He teleported away to the future.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Jadeite. "I will never forget you!"

"Drama queen," said Beryl.

They waited a few minutes.

"Well I guess he hasn't returned, so everything went as planned," concluded Beryl.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" yelled Jadeite.

"Jadeite, control yourself!" barked Beryl.

"That wasn't me," said Jadeite.

"Oh boy," said Beryl.

Suddenly, all four future Shitennou fell from the sky.

"Nothing has changed," they said sadly.

"WHAT?!" cried Kunzite. "We literally destroyed Tokyo! How could there be a crystal form of something that has been erased?!"

"Unless," began Beryl, checking the internet. "Hmm, it's as I thought. There's this thing called Multiverse Theory. Basically, it would mean that when someone time travels, they're not actually going back in their time, but instead they're going to a different timeline."

"Ah," said Future Nephrite. "Which would make sense, because there would have to be one timeline where Chibi-usa didn't go to the past. Or else there would be infinite timelines, and I don't think that's the case."

"I don't understand a word either of you just said," stated Present Jadeite.

"Crystal Tokyo doesn't happen in this timeline," said Beryl plainly. "It occurs in a different timeline."

"OHHHHHH!" said everyone else. "Which would also make sense because Chibiusa's crystal hasn't changed at all!"

"What?" asked Queen Beryl. "I don't know what that means."

"We're saying," began Future Kunzite. "That when Chibi-usa initially goes to the past, the Imperial Silver Crystal she takes from Neo-Queen Serenity is the same as it was in season one, despite it going through many changes since then in this timeline.

"I DON'T KNOW WHO THAT IS!" cried Beryl. "I only watch season one, and not even the finale!"

"That's good," said Future Zoisite. "You wouldn't like the season finale. Say, have you watched the part where I kill Mamoru yet?"

"Which part?!" howled Beryl. "Why I oughtta-"

"So pretty much there's nothing we can do to help you guys?" asked Present Nephrite.

"D'ah," said the future Shitennou sadly. "I guess we're moving to this timeline!"

"Well actually," said Jadeite. "I don't think you want to. We kind of messed everything up."

"D'ah, how bad could it be?" they laughed.

Nephrite and Nephrite teleported back to Present Nephrite's Earth house. They went to walk inside, when it was blown up by a nuke.

Beryl continued to try and conduct business as usual. "Where's Nephrite?" she asked finally.

"We'll go hunt him down!" volunteered the Zoisites maliciously.

They teleported to Nephrite's Earth mansion, which was being rummaged by evil robots.

"How'd that happen?" they wondered.

"Hey Zoisite, do you see that up in the sky?" asked Zoisite.

"Yeah, and it's getting bigger," mused Other Zoisite.

The Zoisites were blown up by a nuke.

The Kunzites went to go investigate after neither Zoisite returned home.

By that point, the place where Nephrite's house had been was no longer recognizable.

"We have to be on guard," warned Kunzite.

"Why?" scoffed Kunzite. "I ain't scared."

Kunzite and Kunzite were hit by a nuke. Miraculously, they survived.

"That was a close one," said Kunzite.

Just then, they were hit by another nuke and all that remained was a pile of ashes.

"Jadeites!" yelled Beryl. "Go investigate!"

"No!" cried Jadeites. "It's scary out there!"

They both made a break for it but Beryl put them in eternal sleeps.

"D'ah" said Future Jadeite as he was frozen. "This still beats Crystal Tokyo any day!"

"Hmm, well at least I survived for once!" laughed Beryl.

There was a knock on the door.

Grandpa walked inside.

"Grandpa…?" she asked confused.

Grandpa ripped off his disguise, revealing he had been a nuclear bomb all along.

He threw himself at Beryl and she was no more.

FIN


	111. Nephrite Trains in the Time Chamber

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Tell me it this second or I won't listen," said Beryl.

"Alright, so ultimately, I thoroughly concluded that the most likely-"

"BEEP!" yelled Beryl, imitating a buzzer. "Times up! Next!"

Nephrite stepped up to the hot plate.

"Ehhhhhhh Beryl me boy!" he said enthusiastically. "Wait till you get a load of this one! So I can take more energy from one person than Jadeite can take from a thousand! And there's more! Everything is ruled by-"

Zoisite teleported in in front of Nephrite. "Nephrite is a loser!" he announced.

"Ha!" scoffed Nephrite. "You're a weakling."

"WA!" cried Zoisite. He came back three seconds later with Kunzite.

"Nephrite, you're a weakling," said Kunzite.

Nephrite threw a wild punch, but Kunzite deflected it and returned the blow tenfold.

Nephrite fell to the ground. He could not deny that compared to Kunzite, he was a weakling.

"And that's why I'm a lord," said Kunzite, taking a bow.

Queen Beryl and Zoisite applauded.

"So anyway Zoisite, tell me all about your... uh... wait what do you do again?" asked Beryl.

Nephrite stormed off. Jeddy followed.

"I'm tired of Kunzite being stronger than me!" yelled Nephrite.

"Same," said Jed. "If only we could get bigger better faster stronger!"

"Yeah, yeah!" agreed Nephrite. "If only there was a way to train for a year in one day!"

"That's oddly specific," said Jadeite. "Why would we want to do that?"

"Because," explained Nephrite. "It would be futile to start training at the same rate as Kunzite. He's got a head start so we can never catch up! But if we can do an epic training cram session, we might just be able to beat him!"

"Too bad that's unrealistic," sighed Jadeite sadly.

"Wait a second," remembered Nephrite. "I know someone who owes me a favor!"

* * *

Nephrite and Jadeite nervously entered the Time Gate.

"Mayo!" called Nephrite. "It's me!"

Setsuna Meiyo charged with her fists of fury.

"Ayy watch it!" cried Nephrite. "It's just me!"

"And me!" added Jed.

Setsuna Meiyo charged with her fists of vengeance.

After getting it out of her system, she calmed down and sat down on the floor.

"What do you guys want?" she asked.

"Can we use your Hyperbolic Time Chamber?" asked Nephrite.

"You mean the Time Portal?"

"Sure, whatever," said Nephrite. "Do you think I can use it to get a year's worth of training in one day?"

"That's oddly specific," said Setsuna. "But I think so. Just don't over-exert yourself!"

"Alright, good luck!" said Jadeite, going to leave. "Glhf!"

"Hey, not so fast!" barked Nephrite. "I need a sparing partner!"

Jadeite gulped. "I don't know about that," said Jed. "There's so many more productive things I can do in a year!"

"But can you do them in one day?" asked Nephrite.

"No, but-"

"No buts! Let's go!"

Nephrite dragged Jadeite into the Time Chamber.

* * *

One day later...

Jadeite emerged from the Time Chamber, traumatized and in a full-body cast.

Nephrite emerged with longer hair, a beard, and rippling abs. "You were a good punching bag," said Nephrite. "Now go get some rest!"

Jadeite passed out.

Nephrite wheeled him home.

"I think I am finally strong enough to take out Kunzite!" chortled Nephrite.

* * *

"So if we put a cake in the middle of a human-sized mouse trap, the Sailors will be bound to step inside and get snagged!"

"They're not idiots, Kunzite," scoffed Endymion. "Sailor Moon is tougher than any she-lion!"

Kunzite went to sock him but Beryl was right there. "Rrrrrrr," he growled in frustration.

"As I was saying, my queen," resumed Kunzite, "I saw the perfect trap on Ebay and if you let me borrow your , I can-"

Just then, Nephrite swooped down and drop-kicked Kunzite on the head.

Kunzite went flying.

"Good job!" commended Beryl.

Zoisite teleported in to gloat, but spotted Kunzite laying unconscious.

"This can't be right!" he cried in shock.

Zoisite charged Nephrite with a crystal, but Nephrite snapped it and Zoisite in half.

"Now then," began Nephrite.

"Good job, you beat a weakling like Zoisite," taunted Prince Endymion. "How about you fight a real man for once?"

"I'll take you out!" challenged Nephrite.

Nephrite charged, but Beryl started screaming.

"NO!" she wailed. "You can beat up Jadeite, Kunzite, and Zoisite as much as you want, but don't lay a finger on Mamoru Chiba!"

Nephrite paused for a second. Then he remembered his training. "You're not the boss of me!" he cried.

He karate-chopped Mamoru Chiba in the neck and he crumpled like tissue paper.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" yelled Beryl. "DIE!"

She shot an eternal sleep attack. Nephrite caught it in one hand like it was a physical object. He ate it.

Beryl started shaking in her boots. She slowly backed away and did not return.

Kunzite crawled to his feet. "Nephrite, what happened?! Why are you so strong!?"

"I'll never tell!" yelled Nephrite. "I am more deserving of this cape than you now!"

He put on Kunzite's cape. "Call me Lord Nephrite!"

Kunzite's heart shattered into a million pieces. He collapsed to the floor.

Zoisite stayed down.

Nephrite moved into Kunzite's castle and threw out all of Zoisite and Kunzite's stuff into the abyss.

"Home sweet home," said Nephrite. He teleported his sofa in and sat down. "Mmmmmmm," he sighed.

* * *

"Jadeite!" howled Zoisite. "Do you know why Nephrite is so strong?"

Jadeite tried to scoot his body-cast away, but Zoisite grabbed a hold and pulled him back.

"No! Please!" cried Jadeite. "Nephrite will kill me!"

"I'll kill you right now!" yelled Zoisite.

"You drive a hard bargain," admitted Jadeite. "Alright, he went in Sailor Pluto's Time Chamber and trained for a year in one day! I was his punching bag!"

"Wait," said Zoisite. "You trained too? How come you're not as strong?"

"I'm a slow learner," said Jadeite sadly. "I couldn't keep up."

"Hmm," considered Zoisite. "So where is this Time Chamber?"

* * *

Zoisite and Kunzite hopped into the Time Chamber.

"Alright Zoisite, I guess you'll be my sparring buddy," said Kunzite.

"Uh oh," said Zoisite. "Go easy on me please!"

"Of course," said Kunzite. He gently tapped Zoisite and he went flying into the wall.

"WAAAAAA!"

"Hmph," said Kunzite. "This is going to be a long year."

* * *

Jadeite teleported into Nephrite's castle. However, he was unfamiliar with the layout of Zoisite and Kunzite's previous home, and teleported right by the staircase.

His body-cast started to slide towards it.

"NO!" he cried. "HEEEEEELP!"

He tumbled down the stairs for 40 stories until finally landing at Nephrite's dining table.

Nephrite was sitting at the table. "Hey Jadeite."

He examined the body-casted bozo. "Uh oh, what's happening?" Nephrite asked.

"Zoisite and Kunzite entered the Time Chamber!" cried Jed.

"WHAT!?" howled Nephrite. "Why'd you tell them where it was?!"

"Zoisite threatened to kill me!" explained Jadeite.

"I'll kill you!" yelled Nephrite.

"You drive a hard bargain," said Jadeite.

Nephrite had to think of a plan, and fast.

He teleported to the Time Chamber.

* * *

One day later, Zoisite and Kunzite emerged.

Kunzite was 20X stronger and Zoisite was about as strong as Nephrite originally was.

They opened the door, and Nephrite was outside.

"Hey, you!" yelled Kunzite.

Nephrite fired a blast at Zoisite because he was an easy target.

Kunzite leapt in the way and deflected the blast, but during the one second Kunzite was distracted, Nephrite slid under his legs and into the Time Chamber.

He shut the door and locked it.

Kunzite and Zoisite tried to open it up, but it was futile.

"DAMMIT!" shouted Kunzite. "When he emerges, he'll be stronger than me again!"

"Can't we just slip under him like he did to us and train again?" asked Zoisite.

"No," said Kunzite. "He'll be in a level beyond us by then, there's no way we can get past him."

"This looks like the end," said Zoisite sadly. "Who knew it would end like this? It's a real pity that we know our expiration dates, because now every second feels like a millennium."

He layed down on the floor to cry.

"It's not over yet!" insisted Kunzite. "We still have 24 hours to think of an idea!"

* * *

23 hours and 59 minutes later...

"Crap!" cried Kunzite. "We didn't think of a single idea!"

"Then we must go out the honorable way," decided Zoisite.

He pulled out two swords. "Lets kill ourselves before Nephrite can have the satisfaction!"

"Ok," said Kunzite. "RIPeroo."

"Yes," agreed Zoisite. "RIPeroo."

The clock struck 12.

"Wait a second," said Kunzite. He took the sword and jammed it against the door.

Nephrite attempted to emerge from the Chamber. But the door was stuck.

"Hey!" yelled Nephrite through the door. "What's going on?!"

"That will buy us some time!" exclaimed Kunzite. "Quick, get heavy objects!"

Zoisite dragged over a piano. Kunzite pulled over a cruise ship, and they jammed the door completely shut.

"We did it!" cried Zoisite. "He's trapped in the Time Chamber forever!"

"Hahahahahah," laughed Kunzite. "Looks like trying to be a lord like me blew up in his face!"

They moved back into their castle, despite it having none of their things.

"This is a new Nephrite-free beginning," said Zoisite optimistically.

"Yes," said Kunzite. "I am the lord again! Call me Kunzite-sama!"

"Always!" said Zoisite. "But you have to call me Zoisite-chan."

"No," said Kunzite.

"Ok," said Zoisite.

* * *

Five days later, they stumbled upon Jadeite at the bottom of their staircase where Nephrite had left him.

"Hey guys," said Jed. "Still paralyzed."

They stepped over him and made breakfast.

"Looks like everything is back to normal, huh?" asked Jadeite.

"Yep," said Zoisite.

"But Kunzite didn't get his lordship back," realized Jadeite in confusion.

"What do you mean?" demanded Kunzite.

"Well, you don't have your cape! You can't be a lord without a cape!"

"SHIT!" cried Kunzite. "I'm going back!"

"No!" yelled Zoisite. "I'll get you a new cape!"

"Nah," said Kunzite. "That was a special cape. It will only take a minute."

"But Kunzite!" said Zoisite. "Nephrite will obliterate you!"

"Nah, he's probably dead by now from starvation," figured Kunzite.

"I don't think we need to eat," said Jadeite, but they were already gone. "Shit!" cried Jed. "I forget to ask them to help me up!"

* * *

Kunzite moved the boat away from the Time Chamber door, and cautiously opened it.

He took a step inside.

"Nephrite?" he called to make sure he was dead.

There was no response. He took another step in and closed the door behind him.

Zoisite waited outside.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Kunzite.

"Oh no!" cried Zoisite. Light flashed through the door. He dashed inside.

He summoned a golf club to protect himself from Nephrite.

He cautiously took one step after the other, looking in all directions. "Only five days passed," he told himeslf. "Nephrite couldn't have gotten that strong in five days... Wait a second!"

A tentacle sprung from the ground and grabbed Zoisite.

"WAAAA!" he wailed.

It smashed him to the floor and he was no more.

Unbeknowest to either of them, in his five years of intense training, Nephrite surpassed the need for a physical form. He was now just a blob of energy like Metalia, and thus he was able to one-shot both of them.

He sent an energy tentacle to shut the door, and went back to training.

* * *

1 month later...

Jadeite finally emerged from his body-cast as a beautiful butterfly.

"I'm freeeeeee!" he cried with joy. "Freeeeeeeeeee!"

Suddenly curiosity over took him, and he decided to enter the Time Chamber. "I wonder how their battle went..."

As soon as he opened the door, a gust of energy wiped him from existence.

Nephrite's energy form seeped from the chamber.

"Hey!" yelled Mayo. "Who are you? I did not give you permission to use this gate!"

Nephrite charged Mayo.

"AHHHH!" cried Pluto, stopping time in a panic.

But Nephrite was so fast that he went through time, and took her out anyway. He became the guardian of time.

A few years later he got bored, and took out Sailor Saturn as well so he could be the god of destruction.

Eventually he rose to the heavens and became one with the universe.

FIN


	112. Jed gets Booted for the Night

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Quiet Jadeite, I'm playing online pokemon!" howled Beryl in response.

"HA!" gawked Jadeite. "That's ridiculous! Pokemon is for babies!"

"Jadeite, do you want an eternal sleep?" asked Beryl.

"Watcha gonna do, put me in a Pokeball?" laughed Jadeite.

"Jadeite, I'm warning you!"

"Alright!" scoffed Jadeite.

"Don't say I didn't warn you!"

"Ha, baby," Jadeite giggled as he left.

* * *

Jadeite hopped onto his online Pokemon server. "Alright, another day of wrecking noobs," he said.

He took out his best Pokemon team and joined a battle.

"Ratatas, I choose you!" howled Jadeite out loud. Jadeite's team consisted of six shiny level 100 Ratatas. "eZZZZZ!" he yelled.

He connected to his first victim.

His opponent threw out a Mega Raquaza, a powerful legendary Pokemon.

"HA! Typical legendaries," laughed Jadeite. "Obviously a sign of a player with no skill!"

Jadeite used Explosion, which killed his first Ratata, but also took out the other Pokemon.

"HAHA!" he typed into chat. His opponent was so mad he did not reply.

Next, the player used a Mega-evolved Charizard.

Jadeite used the same tactic, and since he IV trained his Ratatas to have the maximum amount of speed in the game, they would always attack first.

Soon the other player was defeated, and Jadeite survived with a Ratata with one HP.

"LOLOLOOLOLOLOL!" he typed in the chat. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOB! YOU GOT BEAT BY RATATAS! NICE LEGENDARIES, EZ BOI! NEXT TIME I'LL JUST FACE YOU WITH MAGICARPS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH!"

After 20 minutes, the opponent started typing back.

Jadeite waited.

"That's it, kid," said the guy. "You're getting booted for the rest of the night!"

"HA!" scoffed Jed. "I'm already wearing boots!"

"LOL, stupid kid!" said the other guy. "I meant that I'm going to DDoS you!"

"D-what?" asked Jadeite. "Random letters don't scare me!"

"In other words, I'm going to disconnect you from the internet and steam your router, kid!" the salty player replied.

Jadeite laughed it off. "Yeah right! There's no way you could gather my info from these servers, they're very secure! Unlike Skype!"

"Oh yeah? Well I already have your IP adress!" the guy typed back.

"More random letters," scoffed Jed. "Man, you must be really mad if you can't even type coherently!"

"If I didn't have your info, then how would I know you live on the US East Coast?" the guy replied.

"HAHAHAHHAHAAH YOU KNOW NOTHING!" yelled Jed out loud, and then he typed it. "I'll have you know I actually live in the North Pole! You were wrong!"

"Sure kid," said the guy. He went on Google and looked up all residents of the North Pole. "Now I've got him," he thought to himself. There were only three residents of the North Pole. He looked up the North Pole's most common cable company.

"I knew that, I was just testing you," replied the player. "I also know that you have Time Warner cable!"

"HAHAAHHAHAHAAHHAHHA!" laughed Jadeite again. "No, I have Verizon! Imbecile!"

The hacker took out his notepad and wrote down the info he had gathered so far. "I see. This proves I have your IP address."

"No it doesn't," said Jadeite. "Just a bunch of lucky coincidences!"

"Oh yeah? I'll prove it! It starts with a 70!" typed the guy.

"LOLNO!" laughed Jed. "It actually starts with a 64! And then it's followed by 25.209.345!"

"Damn, I guess I lost," said the Pokemon player. "But I'm still going to boot you!"

"Good luck with that!" typed Jadeite.

The message did not go through.

"Huh?" asked Jadeite in confusion. "What's going on?"

He refreshed the page, but it did not load.

"Just a lucky coincidence," scoffed Jadeite. "The North Pole wifi is never reliable. I'll just go restart the router."

He walked over to where his router used to be, but all he saw was a pile of ashes.

"Uh oh," said Jadeite. "My router malfunctioned. But I'm positive that it's not because that kid fried it, since he couldn't have gotten my IP!"

Jadeite continued to refresh the page until nighttime.

"Dammit!" cried Jadeite. "I wanted to get on to tell that kid he failed at knocking out my wifi!"

Suddenly, the page loaded. Jadeite gasped.

He got a message from that Pokemon guy. All it said was "LOL"

Jadeite gasped again. He typed out a three paragraph essay about how the kid had failed, when his wifi went out again.

"NOOOOOOOO!" he cried. He continued to refresh the page all night and through the early hours of the morning.

Nephrite entered the Nega-computer lab, to find Jadeite laying across a desk, sobbing.

"Hey there, bud," said Nephrite gently. "What's the matter?"

"Some mad kid on the internet fried my wifi box!"

"But how did he get our IP?" asked Nephrite in confusion. "Did you Skype him? I heard Skype is very unreliable."

"No," said Jadeite. "He got it through the online Pokemon servers somehow."

"That's odd," said Nephrite. "Usually those things are protected!"

"I know!" replied Jadeite. "That's why I called his bluff!"

"Uh oh," said Nephrite. "How much information did you tell him?"

"No, he got all the information wrong!" insisted Jed. "I only told him the right stuff!"

Nephrite face-palmed. "Oh boy, did you get easily manipulated by a 10 year old again?"

"Can it," said Jed. He threw a wild punch, but fell asleep halfway through the punch.

"Hey!" said Zoisite, entering the computer lab. "I can't connect to my Instagram! What did you do, Jadeite?"

"He's asleep," said Nephrite. "I think he stayed up all night refreshing a page."

"But why is the internet down?" asked Zoisite. "Did some 10 year old trick Jadeite into giving all his personal information again?"

"That appears to be the case."

"Oh no!" cried Zoisite. "But there was a new episode of Homo Game Club on tonight! And I need to stream it illegally!"

"But Zoisite, we have that channel!" reminded Nephrite. "Why don't you just record it?"

"What's the fun in that?" asked Zoisite. "Let's just buy a new router. That will give us a new IP adress and everything."

"Sounds like a plan," agreed Nephrite. "But I have no money."

"Me neither," said Zoisite.

* * *

"Kunzite me boy!" said Zoisite. "Wake up!"

"Ugh... It's 5 AM, what do you want?"

"Money," said Zoisite plainly.

"Why?"

"Jadeite broke the wi-fi router and my show comes on in 15 minutes!" Zoisite explained.

"Oh boy, there's a new episode of Homo Game Club?" asked Kunzite. "Set it on record!"

"No!" said Zoisite. "We have to stream it illegally!"

"Shit!" cried Kunzite. "Here, take all my money! Now let me sleep some more, come back in three hours."

"Got it!" said Zoisite.

They warped to the Verizon store, but it wasn't open yet.

"HEY!" yelled Zoisite banging on the door. "I SEE YOU IN THERE! OPEN UP THIS INSTANT!"

Jadeite appeared beside them. "Wait guys, I got an idea! Let's change our cable company. They already know we have Verizon!"

"Dammit Jadeite," said Zoisite. "Why did you tell them our cable company?"

"Because he thought I had Time Warner, and I wanted to one-up him! And he wouldn't believe me if I just said I didn't have it, I had to be specific."

Zoisite went to slug Jadeite, but controlled himself.

"I guess let's go get Time Warner Cable then. Because he'll never expect it," decided Zoisite.

They went to Time Warner Cable and bought a two year plan despite their current plan only being a few months in and impossible to cancel.

They brought the router home and plugged it in. But upon contact with the wall, the wifi box instantly disintegrated.

"WA!" howled the three Shitennou.

"Alright, that's it!" decided Nephrite. "Let's go teach this joker a lesson."

"But how are we going to find him?" asked Zoisite.

"Leave it to me!" said Jadeite confidently. "I'll use his same tricks to get his info, the same way he bamboozled me!"

* * *

20 minutes later, Jadeite returned.

"He took my credit card. I don't know how it happened. I'm now in debt for 2 trillion dollars."

Nephrite and Zoisite face-palmed. They went to a local library because their wifi was out and went on Jadeite's to check his recent purchases.

"Whoever he is," began Zoisite, "He spent 2 trillion dollars on Sailor Moon action figures. Even though he could have bought them in mint condition for a cheaper, he felt the need to buy them in their packages for double the price."

"That fiend!" cried Jadeite.

"Wait," said Nephrite. "Look, there's a shipping adress!"

"WE GOT YOU NOW!" howled Jadeite.

"Quick Zoisite," said Nephrite. "Go on his TV screen and spook him!"

"Why can't you do it?" said Zoisite.

"Isn't that your special power?" asked Nephrite.

"Oh, but... can't everyone do that?"

Nephrite shook his head

"I have a special power :D?" Zoisite gasped in shock.

He appeared on the guy's TV screen.

"Hello, internet scammer!" he began. But no one was in the room.

"HEY!" he yelled. "Who lives here?! Come to your living room at once!"

Nobody came.

"Looks like we're out of luck," said Zoisite, warping back.

"We can just teleport to his house," suggested Jed.

"Good idea," realized Nephrite. "We better get Kunzite though."

"No!" cried Zoisite. "He said don't come back for three hours! I would never betray him like this, it's only been two hours!"

"Well maybe you wouldn't, but we need back-up!" declared Nephrite.

Nephrite and Jadeite woke Kunzite up.

Kunzite looked at the clock. "It's only been two hours," he stated.

"I know," said Nephrite. "But we need your help in battling an unknown internet troll."

"Aren't you guys Queen Beryl's most elite force?" asked Kunzite.

"Queen Beryl's a joke," said Nephrite. "And we're a joke."

"Fair enough," said Kunzite. "Let's go."

* * *

They appeared in the house, and saw a light at the end of the hall.

The marched into the foe's bedroom, and he spun around on his spinning computer chair.

"I've been waiting for you," said Tuxedo Melvin.

"MELVIN!" they howled.

"I have a bone to pick with you!" shouted Jadeite. "You stole my credit card! And fried two computer routers in a row!"

"Lelelelelelelele," laughed Melvin. "That will teach you for using cheap tactics in online Pokemon!"

"DIE!" shouted Jadeite. He charged, but Melvin side-stepped, and Jadeite collided with the wall.

"Jadeite," sighed the other three Shitennou, shaking their heads.

Tuxedo Melvin pulled out his secret weapon, the squeaky hammer of death.

"Oh no!" cried Zoisite. "It's Tuxedo Mask! How did he know we would be here?!"

Zoisite ran for cover.

"That was kind of delayed," stated Nephrite. He pulled out a star and tossed it at Melvin like a grenade.

Melvin leapt out the window, dodging the blast.

He fell down from the three story drop, but luckily he fell in a pile of leaves.

Nephrite and Kunzite teleported outside.

"No more playing around," said Nephrite. He summoned the twin blades of fury, and charged Melvin. He let out a battle cry, ready to finish him off.

But Melvin through a wild shrimp, and it went straight down Nephrite's gullet. He started to choke. "Not again!" he cried.

"Here, let me help you!" said Melvin.

"Ha," smirked Nephrite. "He's going to fall for the same trick again!"

Melvin ran up and kneed Nephrite in the face.

"Oh no! He didn't fall for it! Also I'm still choking!"

Jadeite leapt out of the window with his fists of fury, but he wasn't as lucky and landed two feet from the pile of a leaves on a pile of bricks.

"UrHHHHHHHHGHHH!" he yelled.

"You guys are jokes," said Kunzite. He punched Nephrite in the stomache and he spit out his shrimp.

"What was that for?!" yelled Nephrite, charging Kunzite.

Kunzite picked him up by the throat and threw him into a tree. "You idiot, don't fight me, I saved you!"

But while he was distracted, Tuxedo Melvin ran up and hit Kunzite square on with his squeaky hammer. Kunzite fell to the ground, and gasped.

"How... how did that do so much damage...?!"

"That's because the Silver Imperial Crystal is within this hammer."

"What?!" yelled Kunzite. "How... how did you get that?!"

"Usagi dropped it while I was chasing her with my cranberry milkshake!" laughed Tuxedo Melvin.

Zoisite sprung out from the ground with a crystal. "I finally have the courage to face you, Tuxedo Mask!" he hollered.

Melvin turned around and smacked Zoisite with the Moon Hammer.

He flew into a nearby boulder and fell to the ground. "That was nothing," he said, standing up weakly.

Kunzite teleported over to him. "Are you okay?"

"Kunzite-sama... Melvin is the Moon Princess!" Zoisite said before passing out.

Kunzite sighed. He was just about to rejoin the battle, but he spotted Melvin pushing down on a lever connected to a red box.

The boulder they were near exploded, sending them flying a few states over, on fire.

Jadeite stood up weakly. "I'm not afraid of you! I'll defeat you the same way I beat you on Pokemon!"

"You're going to self-destruct?" asked Melvin.

"No, I'm going to beat you with my pure skill and non-cheap tactics!"

Jadeite charged. He used Iron Tail and caught Melvin off guard.

Melvin stumbled back. "You're strong, but I'm stronger!"

Melvin was about to charge up when Kunzite and Zoisite reappeared from 3 states over and closed in on him. Nephrite was by their side too.

"It's over, Melvin," said Kunzite. "You're outnumbered."

"I may be outnumbered," said Tuxedo Melvin slowly, placing a hand on his mask. "But you don't know what you're up against! It's time to take off my mask and reveal my true identity!"

"Ha!" laughed Nephrite. "You do realize we can all tell you're Melvin, right?"

"What are you talking about?" asked Zoisite in confusion. "Have you discovered Tuxedo Mask's real name?"

"I'll explain in the car ride home," said Kunzite. "The point is, Melvin's costume is a joke!"

"That's what you think," said Tuxedo Melvin.

He took his mask off, revealing his face.

"GRANDPA?!" the Shitennou gasped.

They all scattered in different directions.

"NO NO NO NO NO!" cried Jadeite dashing as fast as his legs could take him.

Grandpa vanished, but he was actually just moving faster than the human eye could see him. He took each Shitennou out with a powerful punch in less than one second.

They layed on the ground in a pile.

Grandpa charged up the Moon Wand.

"Time to finish you-"

"Jadeite!" howled Beryl. "Why is the wi-fi out?!"

Grandpa spun around. "Beryl me boy!" he said tauntingly.

"Grandpa!" yelled Beryl, narrowing her eyes. "Why is he here?" she asked the Shitennou.

"Well," began Jadeite. "It all started when I beat him in Pokemon online..."

"Hey!" exclaimed Beryl. "You said that was for babies!"

"Well I just tried it once!" lied Jadeite. "But if you want to battle sometime..."

"That's enough," said Beryl. "Is this old man responsible for the internet being out?"

The Shitennou nodded.

"Well, then we all know what must happen."

There was no movement for a second, but then Beryl charged like a wildman with no plan.

She threw a crystal with the strength of a thousand suns, but Grandpa caught it and threw it back at 100x fold.

Beryl was no more before the crystal even hit.

"Now, give me what I want or I will obliterate the Earth," stated Grandpa.

"Good!" shouted Kunzite. "That's what we wanted!"

"But wait!" said Jadeite. "The Negaverse is on the Earth!"

"No, it's..." Kunzite thought for a moment. "Uh oh," said Kunzite.

"Exactly," said Grandpa. "Now here is my demand. I want Jadeite to trade all of his Ratatas to me, and admit that his tactics are cheap.

"NEEEEEEEEEEEEVEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!" yelled Jadeite. "Never! I would rather die! DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Jadeite surpassed evolution and turned into Mega-evolved Jadeite.

"Quick!" he called. "Tell me what attack to do!"

"Why?" asked Kunzite.

"Because I am a Pokemon now! I need a trainer to tell me my attacks!"

"Um... okay..." said Kunzite. "Use tackle!"

"I can't!" cried Jadeite. "I'm a level 1!"

"What moves do you know?" asked Zoisite.

"Explode," said Jadeite.

Grandpa started to tremble. "No... not again..."

He took to the skies.

"Jadeite!" called Nephrite. "Follow him with Quick Attack and use Explode!"

Jadeite chased after him and jumped on his back.

"No nono nononono NO NO NO NO!" began Grandpa.

"Goodbye Tien!" called Jadeite. He combusted, along with Grandpa.

The Shitennou took their hats off.

"He was a good man," said Nephrite.

"Yep," agreed Zoisite. "Riperoo."

"Hey guys!" called Jadeite as he was falling to the ground. "I'm not dead! I still have one HP! Someone catch me!"

No one caught him. He collided with the ground, losing his last HP and dying.

"He was a good man," said Nephrite.

"Yep," agreed Zoisite. "Riperoo."

FIN


	113. The Shitennou's Plan to Eradicate Gramps

"Queen Berlap!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Shut up, I'm trying to drive," barked Beryl. She was driving a car. Kunzite was in shotgun, and the other three were crammed into the backseat.

"Get your elbow out of my face," sneered Zoisite.

"Get your face out of my elbow!" said Nephrite.

"I spy with my little eye…" began Jed.

"Can it!" yelled Zoisite and Nephrite.

"Keep it down back there!" shouted Beryl. "Kunzite, where do I turn?"

Kunzite was too distracted looking at himself in the visor window. "Mmmmm," he said.

"KUNZITE!" yelled Beryl.

Kunzite jumped back, sending his seat flying into Nephrite. He pulled out his map and looked at it frantically.

"Make a left," he said.

"Ty," said Beryl.

"So where are we going?" asked Jadeite.

"Did you not pay attention at all during the briefing?!" barked Beryl.

"D'awww, I'm sorry," said Jadeite. "I was too distracted playing I-Spy with Zoisite and Nephrite!"

"We weren't playing with you!" they yelled.

"That's not what you said when you said 'I spy with my little eye," said Jadeite.

"We never said that."

"nye nue nnuen neune," replied Jadeite.

"Anyway," said Queen Beryl. "We're taking the initiative this time and disposing of one of our oldest and most annoying nemeses!"

"Queen Serenity?" asked Kunzite.

"Who?" asked Beryl. "No, don't be ridiculous. We're going after none other than Rei's Grandpa. We're actually driving to the temple right now."

"Ohhhhh," realized Kunzite. "Then go back and take a right!"

Queen Beryl grunted, and slugged Kunzite.

"Owww, did a punch buggy drive by?" he asked, hurt.

Queen Beryl turned around and they continued down the street. "We're going to get Grandpa before he sees it coming. For once, we'll be the ones with the upper-hand!"

"How do you think Metalia's holding up in the trunk?" asked Jadeite.

"She'll be fine," said Beryl. "She doesn't need to breathe… I hope!"

"Mrm,rmrmmmr," grunted Metalia.

"See?" replied Queen Beryl.

They stopped at a stoplight.

"Why are we stopping?" asked Nephrite. "We're too evil to abide by laws!"

"Without laws there would be chaos," explained Beryl. "And we don't want that!"

"But I thought we did?" asked Zoisite.

"Silence!" shouted Beryl. She ran the red light and started going across the intersection.

"I spy with my little-" began Jed.

Suddenly, their car was intercepted by a black shadow, and it started tumbling until it hit a building and exploded.

Jadeite absorbed most of the blow, and all the Shitennou surfaced from the rubble.

"Crap, where's Metalia?" asked Beryl.

Jadeite took his hat off. "She was a good man. Or… woman. Or… blob."

"Who's the dumbass that ran a green light and hit us, anyway?" demanded Nephrite, taking off his gloves. "I'll show them a piece of my mind!"

"So you're going to show them nothing?" asked Zoisite.

"Alright, that was a good one," admitted Nephrite. "But don't expect many more passes."

"Ahem," said Grandpa, who was standing in the middle of the road which was suddenly deserted. He was surrounded by a cloud of fog that had miraculously appeared.

"GRANDPAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" yelled everyone.

"HA!" scoffed Grandpa. "You thought you could get the upper-hand on me!"

"No we didn't!" lied Beryl.

"It's over for you all," said Grandpa.

"Come on guys, let's get him!" hollered Jadeite, charging like a madman.

No one charged with him.

Jadeite threw a wild punch but Grandpa caught it with ease. Then he used his eye-beams to blast Jadeite's head clear off.

"Bozo," said Kunzite. "Anyway, let's charge for real this time!"

But Grandpa was moving in.

"Kunzite, protect me!" howled Beryl.

"No Kunzite, protect me!" cried Zoisite.

"Uhh… uhh. .. .u..u.u..u.u..uhhhh!" said Kunzite. He was confused.

Grandpa took the chance to deliver a powerful undercut to Kunzite's jaw.

Kunzite flew into the air and never returned.

"No!" cried Zoisite. "You're gonna pay for that!"

"Nrrm mrmmrnrm nrnrm," mocked Grandpa.

Zoisite charged with his fists of fury. But halfway through the charge, everyone blinked and Zoisite was gone, as if he never existed to begin with.

Nephrite examined the ground where he once stood. "Not even a trace," he said.

Beryl took off her crown. "Meh," she said mournfully. "Nephrite, protect me!"

But Nephrite was running away at top speeds. He quickly hid in a local Target and ran into the lady's restroom, ducking into one of the stalls.

"He'll never find me here," said Nephrite.

Suddenly, Grandpa's head slipped under the stall door. "Mmmm…" began Grandpa. "Nephrite?! HAHA! I wasn't even looking for you!"

Nephrite tried to hop over him and flee, but Grandpa extended his tongue and wrapped it around Nephrite. He finished off Nephrite in one chomp.

"Mmmmm," he said, licking his lips.

He returned to where Beryl stood.

"Metalia, protect me!" cried Beryl.

Nobody came.

"Alright," said Beryl. "I didn't think it would come to this."

She summoned a huge crystal and flung it at Grandpa, all while yelling "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Because of her loud scream, Grandpa was alerted to dodge the attack. He shot out his tongue like a dagger and sliced Beryl in half.

"Mmmmmm," he mmmm'ed.

* * *

"That was quite the beatdown," said Kunzite in a body cast.

"How did this happen?!" cried Beryl.

"Maybe we're just bad," considered Zoisite.

"That can't be the case!" exclaimed Nephrite. "Someone would have told us that by now!"

"I spy with my little eye…" started Jadeite.

Kunzite socked him.

"Owww!" yelled Kunzite. "I socked you with my broken arm by accident!"

"Haha," laughed Jed.

Kunzite head-butted Jed.

"So what do we do?" asked Queen Beryl.

"We obviously can't beat him in a regular fight," said Kunzite.

"Yes," agreed Zoisite. "He is a superb fighter. It would be too dangerous to fight him in a head-on attack."

* * *

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" yelled Zoisite upon spotting Grandpa. "YOU WILL PAYYYY!"

Grandpa picked up Zoisite and threw him like a ragdoll across the Earth. Right when he finally flew back to that exact spot, Grandpa extended his fist, and Zoisite collided with it and was no more.

* * *

"Ok, I kind of strayed from the plan," noted Zoisite. "But I was getting at something when I said not to attack him head-on. We need to use a surprise attack, or some kind of trap!"

"Grandpa has had 1,000 years of wisdom," said Nephrite. "He's practically invincible. We can't outsmart him or overpower him."

"We're the Negaverse!" shouted Jadeite. "We can do anything!"

* * *

"Waaa! Help!" yelled Jadeite. He was wearing striped overalls and a propeller cap. He held a large swirly lollipop. "I am a young boy and I can't find my parents! Can someone take me in their van and give me some free candy?" he called.

Grandpa appeared out of nowhere and started approaching Jed.

On the other side of the bushes stood the rest of the Negaverse, holding a rope that was attached to a cage hanging in the tree above.

"Just a little closer…" said Beryl, as they watch Grandpa approach the red X.

"Hey little boy," said Grandpa. "Do you like basements?"

"Uh… yeah!" said Jed in a squeaky voice.

"Perfect," snickered Grandpa. He stepped on the red X.

"NOOOOW!" shouted Queen Beryl.

Kunzite pulled the rope with all his force, and the cage dropped down trapping Grandpa and Jadeite.

"Oh no!" cried Grandpa. "I've been bamboozled!"

"Oops," said Nephrite. "We miscalculated the size of the cage and the position of Jadeite! He's trapped!"

"Bummer," said Zoisite.

"You win some you lose some," said Beryl.

"HEEEEEEELP!" yelled Jadeite banging on the cage.

Grandpa sprung up from behind him and got him in a chokehold. "Let me out or I'll kill your friend!"

The Shitennou all looked away and whistled.

"There's nothing we can do," said Kunzite.

"Riperoo," said Zoisite.

Grandpa finished off Jadeite and left little trace. "I can live off this youngster for years!"

"Well, then good luck spending the rest of your life in a cage!" mocked Queen Beryl.

They teleported away.

* * *

After they finished reviving Jed again, they headed back two weeks later to check if Grandpa had died from lack of little kids.

They approached the cage, and saw Grandpa's dead body, half decomposed.

"We got em'!" cheered Kunzite.

"Good work boys," said Queen Beryl.

They opened the cage.

"Now we can finally put this chapter behind us," she said happily.

They reached for Grandpa's skull to put on a trophy stand in their lair, but it was just a cut-out.

"…huh?" asked Queen Beryl.

Suddenly, Grandpa sprung out of the ground like a mole, and swung his fist, wiping out all four Shitennou.

He picked up Beryl and burnt her to a crisp in his bare palms.

He burrowed under the cage and went home.

* * *

"Man," said Beryl. "This is not the Negaverse's greatest week."

"You can say that again," agreed Jed, who had had two revives in a one week span.

"So," began Beryl. "Any more bright ideas?"

"I got one!" said Jed. "There's one thing that an old geezer like him can't refuse!"

* * *

Grandpa stepped outside to enjoy the morning air. He picked up the newspaper, but taped to the front cover was a map.

"Fountain of Youth?" he read out loud.

"Rei, I'm going on a conquest!" he called.

"Sure thing!" called Rei. "Just don't rape any little kids!"

"I can only promise to try!" replied Gramps.

He went over to the temple horse stable and hopped aboard a white steed.

He set off on his adventure, but first, he rode up to the local high school and picked up his comrade Melvin.

"Hidy ho!" said Melvin. "Let's go find that fountain!"

They galloped across the world, following the map across mountains and rivers. Finally, they hit the location.

"This is it," said Granpda, basking in its glory.

"Wait," said Beryl to Jadeite. "Why didn't we just give him a fake map?"

"Hey hey hey," insisted Jed. "The plan's not over yet!"

Grandpa dunked the Holy Chalice into the fountain and drunk a full glass of its water.

"Mmmmmm," he said.

The Shitennou waited.

"What gives?" asked Jadeite.

Grandpa didn't feel young yet, so he started drinking the fountain water by the gallon.

"WAAAA?!" cried Jadeite. "That water is supposed to be highly poisoned! I know, I poured the rat poisoning!"

"That's so weird," said Nephrite. "He's just drinking it like it's nothing!"

"You must have messed up," said Zoisite. "There's no way."

Melvin dipped a single finger in the fountain and put it in his mouth.

He dropped dead.

"Haha," said Grandpa. "More for me!"

Jadeite sprung out from his hiding spot. "HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?!" he yelled.

"FOOL!" shouted Grandpa. "I already am immortal! I drank from the real fountain of youth 3,000 years ago!"

Jadeite got mad that his plan didn't work. He threw a quick karate chop at lightning speed, even surpassing the power of Kunzite.

Grandpa absorbed the blow like it was trash. He flew up into the air. He shot fireballs from his gullet, knocking out the Shitennou one by one.

Queen Beryl tried to run, but he teleported in front of her and blasted her to bits.

"Mmmmmmm," said Grandpa.

* * *

"Well that was a flop," stated Kunzite.

"Well, what did you expect from Jadeite?" scoffed Zoisite. "We've all seen how his other plans worked."

"Hey!" said Jed. "I got energy from the gym plan! Besides, I'm more of a power hitter than a schemer."

"Wait a minute," remembered Zoisite. "Nephrite, what's the name of that friend of yours? I think it started with an M…"

"Molly?" he asked.

"No no, the other one!"

"Melvin's not my friend!" shouted Nephrite.

"No, the other one!"

"Mayo?"

"Yeah, yeah!"

They teleported to Setsuna Meiyo, AKA Sailor Pluto.

"Mayoooooooo!" shouted Nephrite.

"Dead Scream!" she shouted in return. Jadeite took the hit, unintentionally.

"Ayyyyyy, stop beating up my coworkers!" yelled Nephrite. "You know who I am!"

"Alright, you got me," said Mayo. "Why are you here?"

"Yeah, why are we here?" asked Nephrite.

"Mayo," began Zoisite.

"Watch it," said Mayo. "Only my friends call me Mayo."

"Huh?" said Zoisite. "Anyway, we need to use your Time Gate to go back in time and kill Grandpa's father so he is never born.

"I don't know," said Setsuna Meiyo. "Every time you go back in time it messes stuff up."

"If you don't let us go," began Nephrite. "I'll mess YOUUU up!'

"Try me, buddy!" yelled Mayo.

"You heard her, Jadeite!" said Nephrite, pushing Jadeite towards Meiyo.

"Huh?" said Jadeite.

Setsuna Meiyo smacked Jadeite with her staff. "You want more of that?!"

"No!" yelled Jadeite.

"Ok!" said Meiyo, slugging him.

"Stahhahpaahp!"

"Quick!" said Nephrite. "While she's distracted!"

They all made a break for the Time Gate.

"Hey! Get back here!" yelled Mayo, chasing after them.

Jadeite quickly scurried to his feet and ran towards the pack.

"She's gaining on us!" cried Beryl.

"I know how to stop her," said Nephrite.

He stuck his foot out and tripped her.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Sailor Pluto cried as they jumped in the gate.

Jadeite went to leap in too but she grabbed onto his foot.

"I have no friends here in the Time Gate. Don't leave me!" she begged.

"Uhhhh…" said Jadeite. "Look over there, freedom!"

"WHERE?!" cried Meiyo.

Jadeiet jumped in the gate.

"Dammit! Bamboozled again!" sobbed Mayo.

* * *

Will the Shitennou be able to take out Grandpa's father? And just who is Grandpa's father? He's never given a canon name in the manga, but we think we know who it must be. Find out next time on "The Shitennou take on Grandpa's Ancestors!"


	114. The Shitennou Plan to Eradicate Gramps 2

"Queen Beryl," yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Shut it!" howled Beryl as they flew through the time gate.

"sorry" whimped jed.

20 days later, the shittenou and Beryl landed back in the past.

"We seem to have gone back to right before Gradpa's parents met," figured Kunzite.

"How far back did we go?" asked Nephrite looking around.

"Hmmmm…" thought everyone.

"Wait," yelled Jadeite. "I GOT IT!"

He ran into a cave and ran back out with a calendar made of stone.

"We seem to be…." he began flipping through the pages. "In 500 million BC!"

"WHAT" screamed Beryl.

"WHAT" screamed Nephrite. "I knew Grandpa was old but not that old!"

"WHAT" screamed Zoisite. "It can't be! There's no way!"

Suddenly, all the shittenou turned around and found themselves face to face with a t-rex.

It let out a terrifying roar and Jadeite and Zoisite hid behind Kunzite for protection.

"I'll handle this," said Beryl rolling up her sleeves. "NEPHRITE GET EM!

Nephrite charged with lightning speed but the dino back-handed him with its small hands and he collided with the other shittenou.

The t-rex went to finish the shittenou off with one chomp, but Kunzite created a bubble and it's chomp had no effect.

Everyone sighed.

But it wasn't over yet. The t-rex started gnawing at the bubble and it started to get weaker. Kunzite held out his hands keeping the bubble from breaking.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" scolded Beryl. "You're supposed to trap the t-rex in a bubble, not us!"

"No way can I put that thing in a bubble! This was the only thing I could think to do!"

"Welp, Kunzite killed us all." Said Nephrite plainly.

"I didn't see you coming up with any ideas!" he sobbed.

"Wait a second," said Zoisite. "I got a plan."

They kicked Jadeite out of the bubble.

"TAKE HIM NOT US!" called Zoisite.

"NO! HEY! LET ME BACK IN! COMMON!" yelled Jadeite banging on the bubble.

The dino looked down and licked its lips while looking at Jed.

Jadeite took off in a mad sprint but the t-rex was hot on his trail.

Jadeite ran all the way to the top of a volcano and lept over the magma.

The dino extended its neck to eat Jed, but he was right out of its reach and it snapped shut with nothing. The dino suddenly realized it was leaning too far in, and fell into the volcano and was no more.

"ez" said jed.

He returned to the other shittenou in a mad sweat.

"Good job, Jed! We knew you could do it!" complimented Zoisite.

"YOU WERE GONNA LET ME GET EATEN!" accused Jadeite.

"Don't be ridiculous!" added Nephrite. "Now onward, to find Grandpa's dad!"

* * *

After wandering for many days and many nights, a rain storm came on and they had to hide in a cave for shelter.

"Hmph," said Beryl. "I'm all wet. Jed, you're a terrible umbrella."

Jed looked down sadly and wrung himself out of all the water he absorbed. "I tried but it wasn't enough."

"Hey, what's this?" asked Kunzite, lighting a candle.

They spotted a cave drawing.

"That's Grandpa!" cried Zoisite. "We must be close!"

They headed deeper in the cave.

"I sense a dark presence," stated Nephrite.

But then, the cave let out and they had not found any signs of Grandpa's dad.

As they stepped out into the sunlight, they spotted none other than Pharoah 90 in the center of the clearing.

"You!" cried Queen Beryl. "I'd recognize that aura anywhere! So that means…. Grandpa's dad is… YOU!?"

"Grandpa's dad is Pharoah 90!?" Kunzite gasped.

"Who dat?" asked Jadeite.

"He doesn't really have a personality, per say," explained Kunzite. "Or a backstory… but he's super powerful! And the best character in Sailor Moon!"

"Now wait just a second," began Zoisite angrily.

Pharaoh 90 did not wait for any introduction. Pharaoh 90 lit himself ablaze, and shot himself at them like a fire ball.

Everyone ducked down to dodge, except for one.

Jadeite was so disoriented with pondering what exactly made Pharaoh 90 a pharaoh that he was unable to dodge in time. His whole body was wiped off the face of the Earth, leaving not a trace.

All that remained was his legs, and they fell to the ground.

"OH MY GOD!" cried Beryl, traumatized. "Why do you think I put him in an eternal sleep instead of killing him?! This is too gory, even for me!"

"Riperoo," said Zoisite.

"I did not tell you to speak!" yelled Pharaoh 90. He backhanded Zoisite and he went flying into space. He burned up before ever making it through Earth's atmosphere.

"NO!" cried Kunzite.

Kunzite was steamed. "I will destroy you, and wipe your entire family tree off the map, buddy bo!"

"Hmph," scoffed Pharaoh 90. "Come at me."

"Alright, put em up!" shouted Kunzite.

Pharaoh 90 put em up.

Kunzite pulled back his fist to charge it up, but he was spliced in half by a laser beam before he could ever throw the fist.

"NO!" said Beryl. "Now I'm stuck with Nephrite!"

Nephrite was mad. He offered Beryl as a human sacrifice.

"Hmm," said Pharaoh 90.

Right when he let his guard down, Nephrite charged. He physically detached his fist and tossed it like a boomerang, regrowing another fist in its place.

The fist collided with Pharaoh's 90 one eye, minorly annoying him.

"I'll teach you to mess with me!" shouted Pharaoh 90.

Pharaoh 90 grew a huge pyramid above its head. He spun it around like a top, and then threw the spinning pyramid straight at Nephrite, like a drill.

Nephrite didn't even have time to scream.

"SHiiiiiiit!" exclaimed Beryl. She had to think of something.

"Hey hunkster," she said. "You don't seem to have a girlfriend, do you want one?"

Pharaoh 90 narrowed its eye. "Are you a minor?" he asked.

"No," said Beryl. Then she remembered. "Oh right, you're Grandpa's dad. Then yes, I am!"

"Liar!" shouted Pharaoh 90. He charged like a cannonball.

Beryl saw her whole life flash before her eyes.

"Damn you Chiba!" she remembered.

Then it hit her. She pulled out a salt packet and threw it in Pharaoh 90's eye as he closed in on her.

"AHHHHHHHHH!" he yelled. "It burns! Slightly!"

Beryl took this time to flee. She jumped back in the Time Gate and retreated.

She revived the Shitennou with her brute strength.

"Did we win?" asked Jadeite, rubbing his head.

"No," said Beryl. "We couldn't have been farther from it."

"How did I die?" asked Nephrite. "I don't remember dying!"

"That's because he took you out too quickly," explained Beryl.

"So what now?" Kunzite asked. "He was an even greater foe than Grandpa."

"Then we just have to go back farther!" shouted Queen Beryl. "We'll take out Grandpa's Grandpa!"

"Aha!" exclaimed Kunzite. "She's a thinker!"

"Hmph," said Zoisite.

They went back to the Time Gate.

"Damn," said Mayo. "I need to put a toll in here… finally buy my freedom…"

They walked past her and continued on.

"Ah," said Beryl upon checking her data. "It appears that Grandpa's Grandpa is approximately…. 14 billion years old!"

"AHHHHH!" screamed the Shitennou.

"Wait, you say he IS 14 billion years old?" Kunzite asked in shock.

"Yes. He's still alive."

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed the Shitennou.

"Stop screaming!" yelled Beryl. "Let's keep going."

They went to hit in how many years back they wanted to go on the Time Gate time machine, but they couldn't get it to 14 billion.

"What gives?" demanded Nephrite.

"Alas," said Mayo. "Grandpa's Grandpa, Chaos, has been around since the beginning of the universe. He was around even before the Time Gate!"

"AHHHHHHH!" screamed Beryl.

"Stop screaming!" shouted Jadeite.

Beryl slugged him. "Shut it!"

"Then what do we do?" Kunzite asked.

"What DO we do?" said Jadeite slowly, turning to face the camera. "Dun dun dun!"

Queen Beryl slugged him.

"But here's something else you should know about Chaos," continued Pluto. "He is above time itself. If you wipe him out in the present, it will erase all his spawns. That includes your nemesis, Grandpa."

"So we don't even need the Time Gate?" asked Jed.

"Yes, so get out!" screamed Mayo.

Meiyo put them on a dust pan and flipped them out of the time gate.

"Shit, we should have asked her for Chaos's address," recalled Zoisite.

"What exactly is this Chaos?" asked Nephrite.

"Who knows?" replied Beryl.

"But he's probably a weakling," added Kunzite.

"Yes," agreed Beryl. "You can tell from his name."

"Alrighty!" said Jed. "I'm hyped! Let's do a Shitennou Stone Teleport"

"A what?" asked Beryl.

"Be quiet and don't open your eyes," said Kunzite.

They did a magical teleport to the center of the universe.

"Woah," said Beryl. "All that power and you still couldn't take out some teenagers."

Zoisite went to slug Queen Beryl, but Queen Beryl blocked and slugged him.

"Tartar sauce," said Zoisite.

"Alright, I'm ready to bust some heads!" said Jadeite.

"You're gonna be the first one to die," stated Kunzite.

"NeVVVVVEEER!" Jadeite shouted. "I've never been the first one to die! And I don't plan on starting now!"

Everyone looked at each other.

"So where are we anyway?" Zoisite asked.

They looked around. They were on some random asteroid.

"OH MY GOD!" shrieked Jadeite. "A BLACK HOLE!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed everyone.

But then, from the Black Hole, emerged Chaos himself.

"Yo," he said.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed everyone.

"You're giving me a headache," said Chaos. "Now what business do you have with me?"

"How are we supposed to fight a blob of energy!?" cried Nephrite.

"The same way you fight the Sailor Scouts?" suggested Beryl.

"Uh oh," said the Shitennou.

"Fools!" shouted Chaos. "Did I hear you wanted to fight me?!"

"Actually," said Jed. "We were just passing by." He went to leave.

"Not so fast," said Beryl. She pulled him back by the ear.

The all huddled up. "Give us five seconds," asked Beryl nicely.

"Alright, what's the plan?" said Kunzite.

"Alright," said Zoisite. "Here's what we're gonna do! You three are gonna run out as decoys, and while Chaos isn't looking, I'm going to spawn a crystal and take him out from behind."

"Brilliant!" said Beryl.

"Hey, you only think that because you're not a decoy!" complained Jed.

"She is," said Zoisite. "Kunzite has to help me throw the crystal, and also escape with me when you all die!"

Zoisite winked at Kunzite.

"Now wait a second," said Beryl. "That's a horrible plan!"

"OHHHHHHHHHHH!" exclaimed Jadeite.

Beryl backhanded Jed.

"Hey guys I respawned myself," said Queen Metalia.

"Metalia?!" gasped Chaos.

"DADDY!?" cried Metalia. She flew towards him. "Oh Daddy! I haven't seen you in a million years!"

"DAUGHTER!" cried Chaos. "How have you been? Did you take over the Earth yet?"

"Uh oh," said Metalia. "I may have gone over a few minor speed bumps, but the Earth is as good as gone!"

"Very good," said Chaos. "After that you can move on to a hard target!"

"Heh heh," chuckled Metalia nervously.

"So do you know these weaklings?" Chaos asked.

"Why yes," said Metalia. "These are my pawns."

"P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p- PAWNS~?" cried Beryl.

"Well… yes, I thought you knew," said Metalia.

"That's it," decided Beryl. "Take them both out!"

"Wait a minute, were you here to kill my father!?" cried Metalia.

"Maybe…" said Beryl looking down.

"Beryl, how could you?!"

"It's not what you think! Your father is Grandpa's Grandpa! It was the only way to rid ourselves of that nuisance!"

Metalia shook her non-existent head. "If you were having problems with my Nephew you should have gone to me."

"We did!" insisted Zoisite. "You were in the trunk when we were driving to fight him!"

"huh," said Metalia. "Well there are a lot of Grandpas in the world, I didn't think you meant that one."

"Don't get in our way," threatened Kunzite. "You can't stop us."

"You don't know what you're doing!" screamed Metalia. "Killing Chaos will wipe out all his spawns! Including me!"

"We're sorry for your loss," said Jadeite. "But it's the only way."

"You don't stand a chance!" scoffed Chaos.

"Shit you're right," realized Kunzite.

"No Kunzite, there must be a way!" insisted Zoisite.

"Zoisite, no offense but he's a little too big to take out with a single crystal. I can't even tell where his vitals are… or if he has any!"

Zoisite leaned in and whispered a plan.

"That… that might just work!" Kunzite gasped.

"As if!" scoffed Chaos again. "There's no way you can defeat me!"

While Chaos's guard was down from laughing, Kunzite lit up with power and volt tackled him with the strength of 10 kazillion babillion suns.

Chaos flew backwards. "A gentle shove won't-"

He fell into a black hole. He was crushed by gravity and was no more.

All the remained was a perfect box of chaos caused by the gravity. But it was a lifeless box, and just to make sure, Kunzite threw it into the sun.

He dusted his hands off. "Easy does it!"

"FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLS!" shouted Metalia. She went to charge, but she faded from existence.

"Haha," laughed Beryl. "Call me a pawn, I think no-"

Beryl faded from existence.

"Wait, what's going on?!" gasped Kunzite.

Jadeite looked in his encyclopedia. "Time paradox," he stated. "If Metalia was wiped from existence, then she never would have brought us back. As a matter of fact, we never would have raided the Moon Kingdom to begin with, and we'd still be Prince Endymion's guardians."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" they cried. They jumped into the sun, but they faded from existence before they were entirely destroyed.

* * *

Grandpa was sweeping up outside the temple.

"Hello," said a cute young boy approaching. "I like you!"

Grandpa gasped, and licked his lips. "Dreams really do come true!"

The little boy undressed and Grandpa reached for him.

Then he started to fade from existence. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! How could they have taken out Chaos?! I underestimated them! UWaaaaaaah~~~~~~!"

Grandpa disappeared and left no trace.

Rei stepped outside.

"AHhh! Put some clothes on! Did Grandpa try to prey on you?!"

"Nah," said the little boy.

"I'm calling the police," said Rei. "Yes hello, it's Rei again. Grandpa's up to his weekly shenanigans, and I don't know-"

The phone slipped through her hand.

"Huh?"

Then she faded from existence.

"HELLO!?" shouted the police on the other line. "Is this a prank?! I'm coming over!"

* * *

Epilogue

The police arrived at Grandpa's house, but there was no trace of anyone ever living there. All that remained was some homeless guy who claimed to be named Chad, and apparently he once knew the residents.

3 years later, since all the Moon Kingdom did was party all day, they were raided by a different entity known as the Dark Moon Clan.

FIN


	115. Zoisite Dines and Dashes

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Good work Jed," said Queen Beryl.

Jadeite gushed and tears of joy formed in his eyes.

"You are dismissed," said Beryl.

"Thanks Queen, I will keep up the good work!" Jed promised, turning to walk away.

"No," said Beryl. "I don't think you understand. I said you are dismissed."

"Yes…" said Jadeite.

"FROM LIIIIIIIIIIIFE!" Queen Beryl leaped out of her throne and threw a crystal, all the while yelling "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Beryl why!?" cried Jadeite. "You said I did good work!"

"Yes," said Queen Beryl. "You did. But you've simply expired. There's nothing I can do."

"You can stop trying to kill me!"

"Hmm," pondered Queen Beryl. "Nah. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" she shouted, throwing another crystal.

It hit Jadeite, causing minor injuries.

"Ouch, ya got me!" said Jadeite, pretending to die.

"Another job well done," said Beryl to herself.

Jadeite teleported away, pretending to "dissolve."

Back in his room, he was shaken up. "That was a close one. Good thing I had my wits to keep me alive! Oh, that reminds me, I never told Beryl my new source!"

Jadeite teleported back to Queen Beryl.

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Awesome!" said Beryl. "What is it?"

Jadeite opened his mouth.

"HEY WAIT A MINUTE!"

"SHIT!" cried Jadeite. He went to teleport away but Beryl sniped him down with a crystal.

As he died, he laughed to himself. "Silly me, always goofin' up!"

"Now," said Queen Beryl. "I'm going to have to look into how Jadeite instantly respawned like that."

* * *

"Heyyyyyyyyy Kunzite~!" said Zoisite.

"Heya," said Kunzite.

"What are you doing?" asked Zoisite.

"Oh you know, just polishing my Grammy," shrugged Kunzite.

"Cool!" said Zoisite. "Say, are you ever going to tell me how you got that?"

"That's a story for another day," said Kunzite.

"What other day though? I've been asking you since the Silver Millennium."

"You're too young," explained Kunzite. "One day you'll know."

"So anyway… are you busy?" Zoisite asked.

"Nah," said Kunzite. "I could polish this any day. What did you have in mind?"

"Let's go eat at a fancy restaurant!" said Zoisite. He leaned in and whispered in Kunzite's ear. "And dine and dash!"

"No!" cried Kunzite. "I can just spawn money! And food! And a restaurant!"

"But that's not beating the system!" cried Zoisite.

"What system?" asked Kunzite.

"THE system! Think about it. Here they are expecting us to pay waaaay over-priced for stuff that we can make or spawn ourselves! And then they want us to leave a tip?! A tip Kunzite, a tip!"

"I see what you're saying…" said Kunzite slowly.

"So you're in?"

Kunzite sighed. "I guess."

* * *

"More lobster!" called Zoisite.

"Are you sure?" asked Kunzite. "You haven't even touched the first three lobster dishes."

"Yes," said Zoisite. "It's because I already filled up on bread."

"Then why are you ordering more lobster?"

Zoisite leaned in closer. "Dining and dashing means that we will dine and then run without paying. The lobster is free."

"I know what it means."

Zoisite stuffed all the lobster in a doggy bag and teleported it back to the house. He giggled maniacally.

Kunzite finished his soup. "Alright, I think I'm done."

"Aren't you going to order dessert?" asked Zoisite.

"I don't know," said Kunzite. "The desserts are pretty expensive."

Zoisite leaned in. "We don't have to pay, remember?"

"I understand that, but…"

"Hey waiter!" called Zoisite. "Two large wedding cakes, one for each of us!"

At this point they had the attention of everyone in the restaurant.

Zoisite took one bite of the cake and threw the rest on the floor. "Mmmmm delicious. Kunzite, have some!"

Kunzite reached for Zoisite's cake.

"No!" cried Zoisite. "Eat your own! Mine's already ruined!"

"But maybe if I don't eat any of mine, I could give it back!" insisted Kunzite.

Zoisite took a big handful of Kunzite's cake and stuffed it in his mouth.

"The only good bite is the first bite!"

"I don't know about this," said Kunzite, after finally chewing the cake. "Everyone's looking at us, it's a bust!"

"That doesn't matter," exclaimed Zoisite. "I want them to watch us dine and dash!"

The waiter came over with the bill and laid it down.

Zoisite started bouncing up and down in his seat giddily.

"This is the best part!" he whispered.

Kunzite took a peak at the receipt and the color drained from his face. "That meal was… $4,233!"

"Wow, really?!" asked Zoisite. "That's a new record! We'll have to top that next time!"

Kunzite looked around nervously.

"Alright Kunzite, put on your jogging shoes! It's time for the best part of the meal, the dash!"

Kunzite nervously put on his running shoes.

"NOW!" screamed Zoisite.

He started heading towards the door quickly. Kunzite waited until Zoisite wasn't looking, and then layed down a check.

Zoisite turned around and caught him in the act.

"NO! KUNZITE! YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!"

He dove at the table and grabbed the check, tearing it up. He leaned in to Kunzite.

"You're not supposed to pay them," he whispered.

"Yeah, but-" said Kunzite.

Zoisite grabbed his arm and ran towards the door.

"HEY!" yelled the waiter. "GET BACK HERE!"

"Oh boy a chase!" said Zoisite happily.

Kunzite started to cry. "Waaaaaaaa! Let's just teleport home quickly and forget this ever happened!"

"No!" cried Zoisite. "That's cheating!"

They sprinted down the street.

The waiter put on his jogging shoes as well. "I knew from the moment I saw that guy that he looked familiar. He dined and dashed from here twice this week!"

"Quick Kunzite, we have to parkour away!"

Zoisite leapt up and began leaping across buildings.

"But I'm full!" cried Kunzite. "My stomach hurts from all that food!"

"Your mistake was eating it!" said Zoisite. "You'll get better at this soon, I know you will."

Kunzite was now hopping across the buildings as well against his better judgement, but the waiter was on a hot pursuit.

"This one's determined!" called Zoisite. "Keep running!"

"Let's just pay!" cried Kunzite.

"NEEEEEEVVEERRRRR! We've come this far!"

The waiter chased them all the way to the Tokyo Bridge, and Zoisite and Kunzite leapt off.

As they hung onto the rail, they watched the waiter leap at them. He missed the rail, and fell to the water and died.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAAH!" laughed Zoisite. "What a goof!"

"That was kind of terrible," said Kunzite, traumatized. "We should have just paid!"

"But the action! The drama! The chase!"

"It's too extreme for me," said Kunzite. "Back in my day we paid for our meals and didn't make waiters jump off bridges."

"Hey now," said Zoisite. "We didn't make him chase us or jump off the bridge! I don't even know why he cared so much! He wasn't paying for the food, he was just a waiter. So in conclusion it was his fault."

"He must have been expecting a big tip," figured Kunzite.

"That's what I'm talking about! He was spoiled and now he's dead! He got his just desserts!"

"I don't feel very good," said Kunzite.

"Waaaaaaaat?" asked Zoisite. "You shouldn't have eaten anything. If you feel bad about that dead waiter, Metalia will bring him back soon."

"Zoisite, Metalia doesn't revive random humans," explained Kunzite.

"Are you sure? She revived Jadeite."

"Jadeite's a Shitennou."

Zoisite's eyes got huge. "You're kidding. Are you serious right now?!"

"You didn't know that?!"

"NO! I thought he was just some bad random human who hung around the Negaverse!"

"The only random human that hangs around the Negaverse is Grandpa," reminded Kunzite.

"Grandpa's not a human. He's some kind of lobster demon."

"That's true."

"But no way, I can't believe Jadeite's a Shitennou! Jadeite, of all people! Any of my Youmas are better than him!"

"Hey, we're still hanging from this bridge."

"Oh yeah," remembered Zoisite. "Let's teleport back."

* * *

The next day…

"Kunzite! A new fancy restaurant opened up! Just the appetizers alone cost $200 a serving! You know what we should go there and do?"

There was no response.

"Kunzite? Kunzite!"

Still no response.

"WE CAN DINE AND DASH," Zoisite whispered loudly, but no one replied.

"Hmm, I wonder where he went," Zoisite thought, searching the castle.

He passed the kitchen, and once Kunzite heard him walk by he stuck his head out of the fridge for a peak.

"Phew, that was close."

"Actually, since I hardly ate anything at the restaurant last night, I'm starving!" Zoisite turned around for the kitchen, and Kunzite quickly slammed the fridge.

Zoisite opened it up.

"Oh hey there," said Kunzite. "I was just looking for those left-overs!"

Zoisite gasped. "Were you hiding from me?!"

"Me?! Hide?! I am the great Lord Kunzite! I do not hide!"

"Alright, cool!" said Zoisite. "So ready to dine and dash?"

"Actually," said Kunzite. He teleported away.

"WHERE DID YOU GO!?"

But there was no response.

"I don't get it, I just don't get it!" exclaimed Zoisite out loud. "Which part of the dining and dashing did he not like!?

Zoisite thought for a moment. "Damn, it must have been the dining he didn't enjoy. It's all my fault for picking such a bad restaurant! But I'm sure he loved the dashing!"

* * *

"Yeah my Queen, so this is my favorite joint to hit!" Zoisite said as he and Beryl walked into Crown Parlor.

He put on a hat and mustache.

"What's that for?" asked Beryl.

"They know my face very well here," he explained.

"Ah," said Beryl. She sat down. "You know, I was surprised when you showed up and asked to take me out to dinner. I thought, 'It's Zoisite, he must be up to some trick!' But now I realize your intentions are genuine!"

"Yeeeahhhh," said Zoisite. "So just get anything on the menu that you want, no matter how expensive!"

"Oh goody!" said Beryl. "I wish Mamoru would treat me this fine. Or at least not try to kill me."

"D'awww," said Zoisite. "Brainwashing not going so well?"

"It appears not," said Queen Beryl. "I don't get how I hypnotized him to fall in love with me, but he still won't fall in love with me!"

"That's not how it works," said Zoisite. "You should find someone who loves you for you!"

"Hmm," thought Queen Beryl. "Jadeite loves me for me. But he's such a pest, and just a random human who hangs out in the Negaverse!"

"You think so too?! Kunzite was trying to tell me he was a Shitennou, but that didn't sound right! I wanted to believe him but it was just too crazy! And I figure since we work for you, you would definitely know if he was a Shitennou or not!"

"Oh yeah," said Queen Beryl. "There's no way."

"Here's your bill," said the waiter.

"Thanks," said Zoisite, nodding his head as Motoki's sister walked away.

He instantly ripped it up once she left.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH!" laughed Zoisite, bouncing in his seat. "This is gonna be great! I hit this place once a day at least, it makes them so mad!"

"What do you mean?" asked Beryl. "Why did you tear up the bill?"

"SHHHHH," said Zoisite. "Get ready, I'm going to tell you a secret!"

"Hey," said Motoki's sister, running out of the kitchen with a spatula. "I could never mistake the sound of you tearing up my bills!"

"RUUUUUUUUUN!" hollered Zoisite.

Zoisite's legs quickly ran off without his body, but Zoisite's body soon caught up and hopped on his legs. He ran out the door.

Unfortunately though, Beryl wasn't so quick on her feet. She was caught halfway out the door.

Motoki's sister pummeled Beryl to a pulp and made her pay for each dollar in beatings.

"Hahahahhahaa, that was crazy, wasn't it?" asked Zoisite, turning around after 20 minutes of running. But Beryl wasn't by his side.

"Beryl?" he called. "Oh no."

* * *

2 days later, Zoisite returned to Beryl's throne room.

She was in a body cast.

"Hey Beryl me boy!" said Zoisite nervously. "You never thanked me for taking you out to dinner!"

Beryl was mad.

Zoisite let himself out. "She would have killed me if it wasn't for the body cast. So I guess overall it was a win, though we could have bought- I mean stole, more dessert."

* * *

"Yeah Nephrite, so this is my favorite joint to hit!" Zoisite said as he and Nephrite walked into Crown Parlor.

Zoisite put on a cowboy hat and a beard.

"What are you doing?" asked Nephrite.

"I'm going to dine and dash," said Zoisite.

"I wouldn't if I were you," said Nephrite. "Did you hear what happened to Beryl?"

"Er… not really…"

"Hmph," said Nephrite. "Well I'm not going along with your shenanigans."

"Pls!" insisted Zoisite. "Kunzite is a wuss, and Beryl's too slow! And Jadeite's just a random human, who failed me the last time."

"Nope," said Nephrite. "Maxfield Stanton has a reputation that must be upheld. He won't tarnish his good name!"

"Then wear a disguise other than Maxfield Stanton."

Nephrite stared up to the stars in shock. "A disguise… other than Maxfield Stanton…?!"

"Here," said Zoisite. "Take this hat and mustache I used earlier today. Wait a second, she'll recognize that! Swap accessories with me!"

Zoisite passed the beard and traded it with Nephrite's mustache.

"Perfect. I only have about five disguises but I swap around the different pieces to make new ones. Motoki's sister never catches on until it's too late!"

"Hrm," said Nephrite.

Motoki's sister watched with narrowed eyes through the window in the kitchen. "It's him again. Fool me a hundred times, shame on you. Fool me a hundred and one times, shame on me!"

When the chef looked away, Motoki's sister put 200lbs of poison in their food. She hand-delivered it to them personally.

"Here you go, strangers!" she said with an angry wink.

"Thanks!" said Zoisite, giggling maniacally and obviously. "Hahahha, we got her now!"

"Pardon?" asked Motoki's sister.

"Oh, I was just saying what a big tip I'll leave!" said Zoisite.

"Huhuhu," laughed Motoki's sister. "I've got em now!"

She left and waited.

"Zoisite, aren't you going to eat anything?" Nephrite asked.

"Nah, I filled up on water. I might take a few select bites home in a doggy bag, but right now I'm not feeling it."

"Hmm," said Nephrite digging in.

Motoki's sister grinded her teeth in the window. "Eat a bite, dammit!" she thought to herself. "At least his accomplice will die…"

Nephrite finished the meal. "mmmm," he said.

She waited but he didn't die.

Nephrite burped. "Whelp, time for dessert!"

"WHAT!?" cried Motoki's sister. "HOW DID HE NOT DIE!? He must not be human!"

Motoki's sister was panicking. "Not another chase," she told herself. "Not again!"

It was time to take drastic measures.

She put a bomb in their molten chocolate lava cake.

"As soon as they put a fork in, this thing will blow them off the map!"

She delivered the cake. "Enjoy!" she said, and then ran for cover.

"Hmm," said Nephrite. "I'm kind of full. How about you?"

"Still full from water. Let's just throw it on the floor!"

But then Zoisite thought for a moment. "Nephrite's going to think I'm lame and never dine and dash again if I do something that boring. I have to top my most recent dine and dash by concluding this one epically!"

He put the cake back on the table. "Instead of throwing it on the floor, let's throw it at the waiter! Then she'll be sure to chase us when we dash!"

"But I thought the whole point was to sneak out?" asked Nephrite.

"It used to be, but it's time to take it to the next level!"

Zoisite threw the cake at the waiter.

Motoki's sister knew she was finished. She was blown to pieces.

"RUUUUUUN!" cried Zoisite.

"Wait, I think you just killed her!" cried Nephrite.

"Good," said Zoisite. "Quick, go get the manager! He can chase us instead!"

"I'm calling the police!" said Nephrite.

"WHAT?!" screamed Zoisite.

Nephrite turned into the law abiding Maxfield Stanton and called the police. "We have a maniac on our hands."

"Why is your alter ego a crime fighter?!" exclaimed Zoisite. "You need help!"

"We'll be there in a minute," said the police.

"Fine, fine," decided Zoisite. "This is different than the traditional dine and dash chase, but I guess we'll have to make do!"

Zoisite waited for the cops to show up and then fled.

"WEEEEE!" he yelled as he fled. "I FEEL EVIL!"

Nephrite went home and locked his door. "Never again," said Nephrite.

* * *

"Hmph," said Zoisite the next day. "I have found that bringing others to dine and dash with me has only brought me down. Imagine what I could accomplish without that dead weight! It's time to dine and dash in every restaurant in Tokyo! HAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHHAHAAHA!"

Zoisite went to grab a costume. "Oh no!" he cried. "Has it really happened, so soon? I used all 25 of my hat/facial hair combinations?! I need to find another costume!"

Zoisite looked in his closet.

"I could dine and dash in my regular Shitennou outfit, but they might not serve me to begin with. I could wear Kunzite's outfit… oh wait it's the same thing. If only I had another canon outfit…"

Zoisite spotted something he hadn't tried yet. "Yes, this will be perfect!"

* * *

Sailor Moon entered the Crown Parlor. "Hey Motoki," she said. "Why aren't you at the arcade?"

"Well, after the death of my sister, I had to take over here. The arcade is now only open from 12am to 12pm, and then I come over here."

"Then when do you sleep?"

"I don't," said Motoki.

"I see," said Sailor Moon. "So can I get a French fry?"

"No," said Motoki. "You still haven't paid for your last meal!"

"W-w-w-w-w-what do you mean?!" cried Sailor Moon.

"You just dine and dashed from my restaurant like 20 minutes ago, don't play dumb with me!"

"It wasn't me!" insisted Sailor Moon.

"Yeah right," said Motoki. "No one else could make a costume similar to yours, so it had to be you!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Sailor Moon. "I JUST WANT FRIES! WHY CRUEL WORLD, WHY?!"

Sailor Moon moped over to the next restaurant. "This place will never be as good as Crown, but I guess I have no choice."

She stepped inside.

"There she is!" cried the waiter. "That fiend that dined and dashed from here a couple of days ago!"

"WHAT!?" cried Sailor Moon. "I have never, nor will I ever, dine and dash!"

They chased her away and locked the door to the restaurant.

"What's going on?!"

She continued down the street, and stopped when she passed a TV display.

"Breaking news! Former crime fighter and hero has gone rogue! Be on the lookout for Sailor Moon, the devious criminal who has been dining and dashing from every restaurant in town!"

"I knew it!" cried Luna. "She's a monster!"

"LUNA!" shouted Sailor Moon. "How could you?!"

"I mean… there must be some kind of misunderstanding!" said Luna.

"Hey," whispered Jadeite. He was in his cloak, hat, and shady sunglasses.

"Jadeite!" cried Sailor Moon and Luna.

"Who's Jadeite?" asked Jadeite. "I'm Jed. I have a secret to tell you."

"What is it?"

"I shouldn't be doing this, but as of lately my coworker Zoisite has been spreading rumors that I'm just some random human. It pains to betray the Negaverse, but he is the one stealing your identity!"

"But… aren't you just some random human?" asked Luna.

"No, I'm a Shitennou, just like the others!"

"Not like Kunzite though, right?" Sailor Moon asked.

"Exactly like Kunzite! We're on the same team!"

Sailor Moon and Luna looked at each other. "No way."

"You… you think I'm just a random human too?!"

"Yes," they both said.

"Fine then!" howled Jadeite. "You would rather never eat at a restaurant again than acknowledge me as being just as good as the others?!"

"Yes," said Sailor Moon.

"Fine then!" repeated Jadeite. "So long!"

Jadeite flew away. The end.


	116. The Fifth Shitennou!

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Don't explain it, Jadeite. Just do it. Tell me about it if it actually succeeds," responded Beryl.

"Yes ma'am!" said Jadeite, happily skipping from the room.

When he stepped out into the North Pole, he broke into a hot sweat. "Man it's hot."

He teleported to Tokyo to cool down from the steamy North Pole.

"Whelp, here's as good a place as any to set up my scheme!"

Jadeite constructed a stand on a local street corner out of cardboard boxes and paint.

He made a huge sign saying "Chocolate Covered Corn Dogs!" and hammered it to the top of his stand.

"Excellent," he chuckled to himself evilly. He pulled out his "Open for business" spinning sign and starting spinning it.

"Man, but I remember when I used to have Youmas to do this crap for me," reminisced Jadeite. "Too bad I let them all die. Every last one of them. Woe is me."

The sun sunk in the sky.

"Why isn't anyone buying?" howled Jadeite. "This is the perfect food! Crispy, meaty, sweet, salty! Mmmmmm…." He started drooling.

"Humans have no taste!" he shouted at the top of his lungs.

Nephrite heard the shouts from his house and decided to trot over to Jadeite's stand.

"Hey Jed, how's it hanging, bud?"

"Not so well," sighed Jadeite. "What gives? These people like chocolate covered Oreos, chocolate covered Twinkies, and so on! This is the only logical next step!"

"Maybe you should try marketing in America," suggested Nephrite.

"Nah," said Jed. "I already made the stand. It's glued to the grass!"

"Can't you just create another one?" asked Nephrite. "I created a hill and a mansion in like five seconds."

"NOT EVERYONE WANTS TO BE LIKE YOU!" howled Jadeite. "Now are you going to eat something or not? Otherwise, it's loitering!"

"Fine, fine," sighed Nephrite. He handed Jadeite a dollar.

"Whoopee, my first dollar! I'll frame this and put it on my wall!"

Jadeite tossed him one of his tasty treats.

"Enjoy," he whispered. "It was made with love."

Nephrite took a nibble. He vomited instantly and passed out in his own vomit.

"Hmph," said Jadeite. "That must mean he liked it!"

* * *

20 hours later…

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I'm back with that energy!"

"Damn, really?" asked Beryl, waking up from her in-chair slumber. "Toss it over!"

Jadeite passed her the dollar.

"What is this?" asked Beryl. "This is not energy. This is human money!"

"But Nephrite gave it to me!" said Jadeite.

"It's not energy though," replied Beryl.

"Well no one else would buy my delicious product," explained Jadeite. "Not for the whole 20 hours I was there!"

Queen Beryl sighed. "You're a hard worker, Jadeite. But you're not a competent one. Go get me a Popsicle, it's sweltering in here."

"Can't you turn on the AC?" asked Jadeite.

"AC?" scoffed Beryl. "We live at the North Pole! Why would I have gotten one of those installed?"

"Good point, your majesty!"

Jadeite went into the freezer room to grab the Popsicle.

"I wonder if she wants cherry or coconut?"

"JADEITE ME BOY!" said Zoisite as he and Kunzite teleported in. "Toss us some popsicles, it's hot even in our castle!"

"Yeah, I don't quite understand this heat wave," said Jed. "But these are Queen Beryl's popsicles! You guys aren't even allowed in this room!"

"Huh?" asked Kunzite in confusion. "Come on, no one will know!"

"Still though," said Zoisite. "Why would Beryl want to keep us out of this room?"

Zoisite started eating popsicles by the tens. "Mmmmmmm….

"STOP!" yelled Jadeite. "You're eating all Beryl's popsicles!"

"Yeah, you're eating too many, I won't get any!" cried Kunzite. "Quality over quantity, though. I'll just take this huge one!"

Kunzite picked up a giant ice block and started licking it.

"I'll take this to go," he decided, hauling it outside.

"BERYL WILL SEE YOU!" Jadeite sobbed. He salvaged one Popsicle that Zoisite didn't spot.

"Phew," he said. "But if Beryl asks for seconds, we're all dead!"

They continued down the hall into a better lit area.

"Man, this thing's really heavy!" said Kunzite. "And it doesn't have much flavoring, either."

Zoisite and Jadeite turned to look at the huge Popsicle.

"HOLY SHIT!" cried Zoisite. "It's a frozen caveman!"

"WAT?!" cried Kunzite, spitting out the chunk he just bit off.

"That's no caveman…" said Jadeite slowly. "He looks like some kind of humanoid, just like us!"

Kunzite looked closer. "He's… he's wearing a Shitennou uniform?!"

They all scampered to Queen Beryl.

"BERYL BERYL BERYL!" they howled. "We think Nephrite got stuck in the freezer again!"

"Huh?" asked Queen Beryl. "Where's my popsicle?"

"Here you go," said Jadeite.

"Yuck, cherry. Go grab me a coconut!"

"Uh oh," said Jadeite.

Nephrite teleported in. "Queen Beryl, can I borrow a Popsicle? I need to get this taste out of my mouth of Jadeite's horrible cuisine!"

"Wait, if Nephrite is there…" said Zoisite slowly. "Who's in the cube?"

Queen Beryl finally looked over.

The color drained from her face. "WHERE DID YOU FIND THAT!?" she barked.

"In the freezer," said Jadeite.

"Uh oh," said Beryl.

"Let's thaw him out!" said Jadeite.

"I don't know about that…" said Beryl.

"Queen Beryl," began Kunzite. "What are you hiding?"

"Me?! Hide?!" gasped Beryl, hiding behind her throne.

Jadeite took out a chisel and chiseled out the mysterious Shitennou.

"Ugh," the Shitennou said in a raspy voice, as though he had not spoken in quite a long time. "Oh no, what time is it?! I'm going to be late for the Moon Kingdom raid!"

He turned and spotted Beryl.

"Aww yuck, Beryl!" he scoffed.

"Hello again, Hematite," said Beryl sourly. "When I said I was putting you in an eternal sleep, I had hoped it would be eternal."

The other four Shitennou gasped.

"Golly gee!" exclaimed Jadeite. "I can't believe there's another Shitennou! If he was put to sleep eternally but I haven't been yet, I think, then he's probably lower ranking than I am!"

"I doubt he is," said Zoisite. "Look, he has a large cape and huge shoulder pads."

"Wait a second!" gawked Kunzite. "Those are even fancier than mine! His shoulder things have spikes on them! Beryl…..!"

"I can explain," said Beryl.

"Allow me," interrupted the new Shitennou. "I am Count Hematite, the former leader of the Shitennou!"

"A COUNT!?" gasped Kunzite in horror. "But I'm only a lord! What is this debauchery!?"

"Anyway," continued Count Hematite. "I disagreed with Queen Beryl when she thought it would be a good idea to focus on Endymion instead of Queen Serenity during the Moon Kingdom raid. Since Endymion wasn't even part of the Moon Kingdom, and in theory, he might not have even been on the moon that day. And, since Queen Serenity held the silver crystal and all-"

"ENOUGH!" shouted Beryl. "I'll put you in an eternal sleep again!"

"Yeah right!" scoffed Hematite. "You got me when I was mortally wounded and unable to dodge. If I had to guess, that's the only scenario you could ever take out a Shitennou in!"

"Uh oh," said Beryl.

"How'd you get mortally wounded?" asked Nephrite.

"While you bozos were taking on… wait what were you guys taking on during the Moon Kingdom raid?"

"Well," said Kunzite. "Metalia got the inner scouts, and Serenity, and Endymion… we were kind of just there for moral support, and to goof around."

"Beryl tasked me in holding up a Beryl X Endymion banner," added Jadeite.

"HA!" scoffed Hematite. "While you fools were doing that, I took on the Outer Senshi. I got mortally wounded from Sailor Saturn's self-destruct attack, which was why she died. I managed to take out Neptune and Uranus, and then was headed for the Time Gate when Beryl took me out for not wearing the Beryl X Endymion hat she sewed for me. It would have been a huge burden to fight with, which was why I didn't have it on. And also she was still mad about me telling her her dumb plan was dumb. So here I am!"

"I think you should put him back to sleep!" suggested Kunzite.

"Tsk tsk," said Hematite. "Don't disrespect your superiors!"

"You can't be that stronger than me," scoffed Kunzite. He got cocky and charged.

Hematite spawned a large staff with a diamond at the end, and pointed it at Kunzite.

Kunzite slid back to his spot and pretended he had never charged in the first place.

"Nice pimp staff!" said Jed.

"You were the only Shitennou I liked, Jadeite," smiled Hematite.

"But why don't we remember him?" asked Zoisite.

"Well none of you but Kunzite remembered the Moon Kingdom raid, and Kunzite must have suppressed the memory of someone being stronger than him," suspected Beryl. "But I mean, he probably didn't remember it that good anyway, since he was bragging to the Sailor Scouts about it although he got slaughtered."

"Hey, in our defense," said Jadeite. "It was a thousand years ago!"

"It's been that long?" gasped Hematite. "You kept me out for a thousand years?!"

"You didn't miss much," said Beryl. "You all are dismissed!"

Queen Beryl quickly fled.

The other Shitennou were left taking in the fact that they had a new member.

"Say… Hematite," began Zoisite blushing. "I don't remember you… but do you remember me?"

"HEY WAIT A SECOND!" said Kunzite.

"I could never forget that beautiful face," winked Hematite. "We should hang out some time."

Zoisite fainted with hearts in his eyes.

"RRRR BACK OFF!" yelled Kunzite.

"Hey," said Nephrite. "Watch it when you steal other people's lines."

Kunzite glared at Hematite and took in his appearance. He had dark silver, metallic hair that was much cooler than Kunzite's. He had piercing green eyes that stood out way more than his bland colorless eyes, and a chiseled jawline that could steal the heart of any woman or man. His abs were flawless, somehow managing to still be ripped after 1,000 years of no exercise. His uniform has a purple stripe and a cape that went down to his feet.

"You will meet your maker," promised Kunzite.

"Huh?" asked Hematite.

"Nothing," said Kunzite batting his eyelashes innocently.

"Man, this is crazy!" said Jadeite. "I can't believe that from now on there will always be a fifth Shitennou, and an OC at that!"

"But I hate OC's!" said Nephrite.

"And they hate you," said Hematite. "Now, chop chop, who's going to make me lunch?"

"I will!" called Zoisite waking up again.

"No, I wanna make him lunch!" cried Jadeite.

They ran from the room.

"But… but…" said Kunzite. "They were gonna make me lunch!"

"Hmph," said Nephrite. "I don't care about petty things like that. But what I do care about is the integrity of not making up original characters, when clearly people only read fanfictions to read about the characters they already know and like! Plus, it makes it impossible to jump in later in the story, because you'll be lost with all the random names! Heck, at this rate, we're going to have whole chapters with just OC's! Just like the Starlights in season 5, but that's actually canon!"

Kunzite was grumbling in the corner.

"Kunzite were you listening to me?" asked Nephrite.

"Hematite!" Kunzite howled menacingly. "You will pay!"

* * *

They sat in the Nega-cafeteria.

"Here you go, Hematite!" said Zoisite happily, serving him a ten course meal. "Anything else you want?"

"Nah," said Hematite. "Mmm, this is good! Hey, come sit here and have some!"

Zoisite's eyes glimmered. "Me… sit with you?! This must be a dream!"

"So, how about that Kunzite guy?" asked Hematite. "Why does he hate me so much?"

"Kunzite who?" asked Zoisite, not taking his eyes off Hematite.

There was a loud sound of a soda can exploding.

Everyone turned to see that Kunzite had shattered it in his hand from fury.

"Come on Kunzite, sitting with me and Nephrite isn't that bad!" said Jadeite. "I mean, we may not be the coolest kids on the block, especially now, compared to Hematite, but…"

Kunzite got up and left.

Nephrite followed him.

"Kunzite, I think me and you want the same thing right now," Nephrite leaned in and said to him.

"You want Zoisite too? Dammit!" moaned Kunzite.

"No, no," said Nephrite. "I mean we both want to take out Hematite!"

"Oh yeah, yeah!"

"Therefore, I think it would be in our best interest to make a temporary alliance to dispose of this nuisance!"

"I couldn't have said it better myself," agreed Kunzite. "Let's do this."

"But wait, shouldn't we get Jadeite and Zoisite in on the plan?"

"Nah, they're expendable," said Kunzite.

"I don't know," said Nephrite. "Zoisite's not a fighter, but he's pretty good at throwing debuffs!"

"We got this," promised Kunzite. "Now let's make a plan."

* * *

Nephrite strolled into Queen Beryl's throne room, drunk and with sunglasses on.

"Yo, B-man!" he called.

"That's Queen Beryl to you," said Queen Beryl.

"Whatever you say, Queen Bozo!" taunted Nephrite.

"Watch your mouth!"

"No, you watch it! Read my lips, LOOOOOOSER!"

* * *

Kunzite approached Hematite and Zoisite's table.

He waited there for 10 minutes but they didn't notice him. He finally got mad and slammed his fist on the table.

"Hey!"

"Hello," said Hematite. "Can we help you?"

"I'm sick of you stealing my fame and glory!" shouted Kunzite. "I used to be the cool one here!"

"That's too bad," said Hematite, with fake sympathy. "Zoisite, dispose of this nuisance!"

"What nuisance?" asked Zoisite who still hadn't looked away from Hematite.

Kunzite suddenly had a burst of anger and threw a wild punch.

Hematite stood up angrily, rubbing his cheek. "Do you have something to say?" he asked.

"Yes," said Kunzite. "Get LOST!"

Kunzite charged and spun his legs rapidly, attempting to propeller kick Hematite in the neck.

Hematite put out a single arm and blocked all of it. "They don't call me a count for nothing!"

Hematite extended his hand, and Kunzite went flying.

Kunzite stumbled to his feet weakly. "This… this is nothing!"

"It looks like something," remarked Hematite.

Kunzite started firing powerful energy blasts at a rapid pace. It looked like Hematite was wounded, but when the smoke cleared, Hematite stood unscathed.

"Hmm," he said disinterestedly.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" yelled Kunzite. He tried to drop-kick him, but Hematite caught his leg.

There was a moment of silence, and then Kunzite tried to bend over and throw a punch.

Hematite snapped his leg like a twig and tossed him across the room.

"Wowee," said Jadeite, who was still in the cafeteria. "This chocolate milk tastes great!"

Kunzite smashed into Jadeite, taking him out.

Kunzite was steamed.

"Ha," laughed Hematite. "No wonder Zoisite likes me more."

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" exclaimed Kunzite in rage. He was surrounded by an aura of energy, and split into six clones of himself.

All six clones charged.

Hematite whipped out his trusty staff and shot projectiles, taking them down one by one.

However, they all dissolved into mist, because they were just illusions.

While Hematite was distracted, Kunzite flew up from behind, landing a powerful kick between his shoulder blades.

Hematite flew forward a few steps, but he still appeared unscathed.

"This isn't working!" Kunzite thought to himself. "Time for plan B!"

Kunzite headed for the door in a mad sprint, but Hematite appeared in front of him.

"Hey bud," said Kunzite nonchalantly.

"Hey," said Hematite.

He backhanded Kunzite through the wall, and he continued to fly through every wall in the Negaverse.

* * *

"Hey Beryl, I think I'm done getting energy," continued Nephrite.

"Oh?" said Beryl. "Are you going to get the Silver Crystal?"

"Nah, I think I'm gonna take a couple years off to get an online degree in art history."

"WHHHHAAAAAT?" howled Beryl. "If you're going to get a degree, you're going to get it in something useful!"

"Why don't you make me?" taunted Nephrite.

"FOOL!" she shouted.

"I know you are but what am I?"

Queen Beryl glared silently at him.

"Stupid says what?" Nephrite yelped quickly.

"What?" said Beryl.

"HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHA!" he laughed loudly.

"THAT IS IT!" yelled Beryl. "One more outburst like that, and I'm grounding you!"

"You're not my real dad!" Nephrite shouted.

Queen Beryl leapt out of her chair. "SLEEP FOREVER!" she screamed.

Just then, Kunzite flew in threw the wall.

"Ugh…." He moaned, laying on the ground.

Hematite flew up to him so quickly it was barely visible.

"This is the end for you!" said Hematite, pointing his staff at Kunzite's head.

Just then, Beryl fired the eternal sleep attack.

Nephrite dove to the ground.

With his one last ounce of energy, Kunzite rolled to the side.

Hematite turned, just before the blast hit him. He didn't have enough time to escape, and was once again frozen.

"We did it!" applauded Nephrite.

Beryl still had smoke coming out of her ears. "I'm still gonna kill you!"

"You don't have the guts," taunted Nephrite.

"Nephrite, the act's over," said Kunzite. "The plan worked successfully, there's no need to keep being like that."

"Wait, this was a plan!?" screamed Beryl. "Why didn't you let me in on this? I wanted to take out Hematite too!"

"Wait, why?" they asked.

"He called my plan stupid 1,000 years ago."

"Ah."

Zoisite and Jadeite came running in.

"Where's Hematite?" asked Zoisite.

"Here he is," said Kunzite, pointing to the ice cube.

"NOooooooooooooooOOOOOoooooooOOOOOO!" cried Zoisite. "Meh, he's not that attractive frozen in ice. I'm so over him."

Kunzite and Nephrite hauled Hematite back to the freezer and closed the door.

"Let's never go in here again," they vowed.

Jadeite watched as they closed the door.

"Maybe someday, Hematite," he said quietly. "Someday…"

FIN

 _A/N: This chapter was loosely based off the Bismuth episode from Steven Universe. [Spoiler Alert] Since they acted like she would be a permanent part of the team but then she got taken out in one episode._


	117. Jadeite's Foolproof Plan

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Step aside, Jadeite. This is no time to play," barked Beryl. "Kunzite, Zoisite, report what you have found out!"

"Queen Beryl," said Zoisite. "It appears that Nephrite is drinking on the job again. He needs to be put down."

"I agree with this factual statement," added Kunzite.

"No, no!" screamed Beryl. "Tell me what you found out about the Moon Princess!"

"The who?" asked Kunzite. "Oh, oh yeah. It appears that the Moon Princess holds the Silver Crystal."

"Hmm, hmm hmm," said Beryl.

"Wait a minute," interrupted Jadeite. "I'm a little out of the loop here. Is the Moon Princess Sailor Moon?"

"No, don't be ridiculous!" sneered Beryl. "If you don't have anything smart to say then don't say anything!"

Kunzite let out a hardy laugh.

"Actually my queen," said Zoisite. "That's what I found out. Sailor Moon is indeed the Moon Princess! I saw her transform myself! And then she threw me into a pole!"

"HAHAHAHAHHA GET REKT!" laughed Beryl. "Oh, but yes. This is important information. If only we knew Sailor Moon's true identity."

"Queen Beryl!" cried Jadeite. "I know Sailor Moon's identity!"

"Do you want to sleep eternally?" asked Beryl.

"But Beryl!"

"Do you?!" she shouted.

"No ma'am," said Jadeite.

"Then get out of my sight," said Beryl. "Now, to figure out Sailor Moon's identity."

* * *

Jadeite went home in a huff.

"I just don't get it," he sighed. "I have important info, but no one seems to care. If only I could piece this mess together myself, I could get the Silver Crystal and redeem my past blunders!"

Jadeite went to the drawing board.

He performed intense calculations for four hours. "I'm so close to cracking this!" he hollered.

Finally, he wrote on his chalkboard, "Usagi Tsukino - Sailor Moon - Moon Princess - ?"

"What is the missing link!?" cried Jed.

Suddenly a light bulb flashed over his head, and he realized it was the Silver Crystal.

"Usagi Tsukino has the Silver Crystal!" he exclaimed. "I must tell Queen Beryl!"

But then he stopped. "No Jadeite," he told himself. "You have a backbone. It's time to use it!"

Jadeite took off in a mad sprint and ran all the way to Tokyo from the North Pole.

* * *

"That Nephrite is a bad guy!" said Usagi.

"No way!" said Molly. "He has cool hair and a swagalicious car!"

"That's irrelevant!" cried Usagi.

Jadeite sat in the bushes with binoculars. "I've got her now! But for safe measures, I better spy on her for a few more days. MWAHAHAHAHA!"

"That's just weird," said Kunzite. "Stalking a 16 year old? How old are you again, Jed?"

"Well the manga itself doesn't exactly- hey wait a second!" hollered Jadeite. "What are you doing here?!"

"We're looking for Sailor Moon's true identity," explained Nephrite. "Have any leads?"

"No," lied Jadeite.

"So are you just stalking little girls for fun?" asked Zoisite. "Typical Jadeite, I always knew he was a pervert!"

"No I'm not!" cried Jadeite.

"Then what are you doing?" Kunzite asked.

Jadeite looked down. He could not reveal his true motives to the others and let them steal all his glory. "None of your business," he said finally.

"You make me sick," said Nephrite.

"Hey Nephrite, isn't she the same age as your girlfriend?" taunted Zoisite.

"Do you want to go to Slug City?" asked Nephrite.

"Ye," said Zoisite because Kunzite was there.

"Hmph," decided Nephrite. "You're not worth my time."

"How long are ya gonna stalk her, Jeddy?" Kunzite asked.

"Go awaaaaaaaaaay!" Jadeite sobbed.

They didn't go away.

"Fine then," said Jadeite. "I'll just carry on with my life, you losers should get day jobs!"

Everyone laughed as Jadeite climbed out of the bush.

"Hmm," he said as Usagi and Molly walked into Crown Arcade.

"This seems to be a recurring setting," Jed contemplated.

"Hey guys!" said Motoki.

"Hello, buddy!" said Usagi.

"Yes, yes!" cried Jadeite looking through the window. "This is perfect! I could easily pass as that guy, especially to people viewing the show for the first time!"

Jadeite walked into Crown Arcade. He waited a moment, and then approached the counter.

"Hello kind sir," said Jadeite.

"Howdy!" said Motoki.

"That game seems to have taken my quarter," said Jadeite. "Mind coming over here and fixing it?"

"My pleasure!" said Motoki.

He followed Jed around the corner.

2 and a half minutes later, Jed emerged in Motoki's outfit.

"This is the perfect disguise. They won't have their guard up around me, and then I can just nab the crystal from her pocket when she looks away!"

"Motokiiiiiii-chan!" cried Motoki's sister, running into the arcade. "It's your turn to work the restaurant, bro!"

"What? But I-"

She cut Jed off and dragged him to Crown Parlor. She sat him at the register. "I'll be back in a few hours! Thanks bro!"

"No problem sis!" said Jadeite as he watched her leave.

"Wait a minute. Why am I being so nice?"

Jed left and went back to the arcade. "Hmm," he said. "Now time to get that crystal!"

"Do you have change for a 20?" asked a customer.

He turned to see who it was.

"OH MY GOSH!" exclaimed Nephrite. "JADEITE!?"

"No, it's me Motoki!" said Jadeite.

"HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH!" laughed Nephrite. "What are you doing, Jed?! Did you get a day job to earn Earth money?! WAHAHAHAHAHHAAHA!"

He called up Zoisite and Kunzite on the phone. "You guys gotta see this, come over here at once!"

They teleported in.

"IS THAT JADEITE?!" cried Zoisite. "HE HAS A JOB?! AN EARTH JOB?!"

"Yep," laughed Nephrite. "I didn't believe it at first, but it's true! He even made up some goofy name for his Earth persona! What kind of loser does that?!"

"Umm~" said Zoisite looking at Nephrite accusingly.

"Go away!" whined Jadeite. "You're going to blow my cover!"

"What cover?" asked Nephrite.

"Yeah, what cover?" asked Kunzite.

"Did I say cover? I meant chances of becoming manager! Yeah, because you guys are making me look bad in front of my boss! Please leave!"

"How do you confuse 'cover' with 'chances of becoming manager?'" asked Zoisite.

"WAAAA!" screamed Jadeite.

He went outside to get some fresh air.

"Hey Motoki, boyo!" said Mamoru Chiba.

"Chiba!" shouted Jadeite.

"Hey Motoki, boyo, wanna go shoot some hoops?"

"Are you… are you friends with me?" asked Jadeite sourly.

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Mamoru. "I'd recognize my best friend Motoki anywhere!"

"Dang," said Jadeite. "Then let's go shoot those hoops, I guess!"

Jadeite went with Mamoru down to the B-ball court.

"Ok, I'll start!" said Mamoru. He started dribbling the ball.

"This'll be a piece of cake!" said Jed, getting in his defensive stance.

But Mamoru Chiba zoomed past him, and dunked one in.

"NO!" screamed Jadeite. "I wasn't ready!"

"Sure," scoffed Mamoru. "You can start this time, Motoki!"

"Ok," said Jadeite. He started dribbling, but Mamoru swiped the ball right out of his hand like taking candy from a baby. He then dunked another one in.

"Geez, Motoki!" laughed Mamoru. "Why are you playing so bad today? You're usually a lot better than this!"

"Ok, that's it!" yelled Jadeite. "I'll show you what I'm made of!"

Mamoru started dribbling towards the hoop once again. Jadeite was hot on pursuit, but he knew he wasn't quick enough to catch up.

Mamoru leaped into the air to dunk the ball.

Jadeite wouldn't stand for it.

He flew up into the air behind Mamoru, who turned around in shock.

Jadeite shot lightning, and he and Mamoru spun around each other in circles.

Finally, in a single frame of animation, Jadeite tackled Mamoru into the ocean that was right next to the court.

"Noooooooo!" cried Mamoru as he drowned. "Penalty~~~~~!"

Mamoru died.

Jadeite went back to the arcade.

"Shit, I hope they haven't gone home yet!"

He dashed indoors, but accidentally smacked into an elderly man.

"Hey, get out of my way old coot!" shouted Jadeite.

But then he looked up and examined the senior more closeely. All the color drained from his face.

"I was just kidding, Gramps!" cried Jadeite. "I promise!"

Rei's Grandpa let out a hardy laugh. "I forgive you, JJ!" he said, patting Jadeite on the shoulder.

"Phew," sighed Jadeite. "That could have ended badly."

He sat back down at the front desk. "Now, to-"

Suddenly, Grandpa ran up and drop-kicked Jadeite. He flew into the ball pit.

Jadeite quickly dived down so that he wouldn't be seen.

When he reached the bottom, he stepped on something squishy.

"Eww, what's this?"

He looked to see what his foot was on. It was Grandpa's face.

Grandpa opened his mouth wide and started gobbling up Jadeite' foot.

"NO!" cried Jadeite. Grandpa sucked him in. He gasped for air, but was not able to gather enough oxygen. He passed out.

* * *

"Where… where am I?" asked Jadeite.

He looked at a map that was conveniently placed by his bedside.

"You are here," it said.

He put on his reading glasses to see exactly what "here" was.

"OH MY GOSH!" he cried. "I'm inside Grandpa's stomach!"

The map turned out to be an X-ray of Grandpa.

"This looks like the end," said Jed, as the stomach acid closed in on him.

"Wait!" remembered Jadeite at the last second. He reached in his pocket and found his trusty bottle of pepper spray.

"I bought this after the last time Beryl tried to kill me. Just in case!"

He sprayed the pepper spray everywhere.

"Uh oh," said Grandpa as his nose started to tingle. "A…A….A…CHOOOOOOO!" he cried.

Jadeite shot out of Grandpa and back into the ball pit.

"This ends now," said Jadeite.

He took a ball and fired it rapidly into Grandpa's open gullet.

Granpda started to choke.

That's when Jadeite finished him off with a rapid kick.

He emerged from the ball pit victorious.

"Time to go home," he said in success. "Shit, wait."

He turned to see Usagi playing the Sailor V game.

"Now's my chance!"

Jadeite creeped over to her.

"Jadeite!" cried Zoisite. "Nephrite's stuck in the basketball hoop again!"

"Oh no!" exclaimed Jadeite. "My arcade could have a law suit on its hands! Wait a minute,"

But it was too late. Jadeite was dragged to the basketball hoop.

"HEEEEEEEEEEEELP MEEEEEEEEEE!" cried Nephrite. "I'm claustrophobic!"

Kunzite was standing there with a stick of butter, trying to get Nephrite out.

"It's not working Mermaid Man!" Kunzite exclaimed.

"I don't have time for this!" shouted Jadeite.

"Why not?" asked Zoisite. "Isn't this your job? What else do you have to do?"

Jadeite was mad. "Your mom," he said angrily.

Tears started to drip down Zoisite's face. Zoisite ran away crying.

"Now look what you've done!" yelled Kunzite. "Baby, come back! He didn't mean it!" He chased after Zoisite.

Jadeite was getting steamed. He let out a loud groan. He picked up a chair and threw it, yelling, "AHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Woah!" said Nephrite still in the net. "Calm down there young one."

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Jadeite. He flung the change machine at Nephrite, and Nephrite teleported out of the net to dodge.

"Oh yeah," remembered Nephrite. "Thanks Jadeite, I owe ya one!"

Jadeite threw a wild punch at Nephrite.

The punch breezed past Nephrite, who had stepped slightly out of the way.

"Jadeite, do I need to get your manager?" asked Nephrite.

Jed threw another punch but it had the same result.

"That's what I thought," said Nephrite. "I'll make sure to rate my customer service as one star on Yelp!"

"NO!" cried Jadeite.

Nephrite stormed off to the Nega-computer lounge to give the Crown Arcade a piece of his mind.

Jadeite sighed as he sat down at the register. "Wait a minute, all those nuisances are gone! Time to get what I came here for!"

"Bye Motoki!" said Usagi as she walked out the door.

"Cya!" said Jadeite. "HEY WAIT A SECOND!"

Jadeite bolted after her. He was just about to reach her when he tripped over something insignificant.

"What the?!"

He looked at what he tripped on.

"HIDY HO!" said Melvin.

"WHY ARE YOU JUST LAYING HERE BY THE ENTRANCE?!" cried Jadeite.

"Sometimes I just like to lie on the ground and feel like garbage," answered Melvin.

"Awww," said Jadeite sadly. "Can I join you? Wait a second, I don't have time!"

Jadeite ran off.

"Hhahaha," laughed Melvin. "He didn't realize that I'm really only laying here to catch a glimpse up Molly's skirt when she walks out!"

"I heard that Molvin!" cried Molly. She beat him to a pulp and threw him off a bridge.

FIN


	118. Shitennou visit a Tasty Cake Factory

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Jadeite, Queen Beryl isn't here," said Queen Beryl.

"Can you go check?" Jadeite asked.

"No," said Queen Beryl.

"Dawgonnit, every time!"

Jadeite stormed out of the room. He checked his watch. "Oh boy, it's after lunch time! Hopefully they won't still be in the cafeteria!"

Jadeite hopped into the cafeteria.

"Hey Jed!" called Kunzite. "We saved you a seat!"

"Really?" asked Jed in shock.

"No!"

"Awwwww man," said Jadeite.

He sat on the floor with his box lunch. "How come you guys are still here?" he pouted.

Nephrite was eating from a box of Tasty Cakes like it was a bag of chips. "Mrrrmmrrmrmmmmr," he explained while chewing.

"Slow down there bud," said Zoisite. "That's a lot of fats you're consuming, maybe you should take it down a notch!"

"Mrrmrmrmrmrm, but they're just so good!"

"I doubt it," said Zoisite.

Nephrite spit out his Tasty Cakes. "You mean to say you've never tried one!?"

"No, and I don't intend to!"

Nephrite ate another Tasty Cake just to spit it out.

"Here, you have to try it! You won't understand until you do!" Nephrite reached in the box, but it was all empty. "Oh no!" he cried. "How will we get more?!"

"We can go to the Tasty Cake factory," suggested Jadeite.

"We can go buy some from that vending machine two feet away," said Kunzite.

"Brilliant, Jadeite!" commended Nephrite. "You're a genius! Let's go!"

"Darn, no one ever listens to my ideas," pouted Kunzite.

* * *

They were about to teleport to the Tasty Cake factory when Beryl walked in.

"Did you save me a seat?" she asked.

Kunzite quickly pushed her throne over to the table. "Ye," he lied.

"Good, good," she sat down. She spotted the box and quickly snatched it.

"Mmmm, Tasty Cakes!"

She reached in to gobble one up but the box was empty.

"Who's dying today?" she asked.

"Me!" said Jadeite happily.

Queen Beryl ignored him. "Is it you, Nephrite? How about you, Zoisite? Do you want to press your luck?"

"I mean, if you insist," began Zoisite.

"Well actually Queen Beryl," intervened Kunzite. "We were just heading out to the Tasty Cake factory!"

"No, don't tell her!" cried Nephrite.

"Kunzite, why!?" cried Zoisite.

"Yay, Queen Beryl's coming!" said Jed.

"Then let's go," stated Kunzite.

"Hold on, let me grab my things!" said Beryl quickly running from the room.

"What's so bad about bringing Beryl?" asked Kunzite.

"Beryl SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKS!" yelled Zoisite. "She killed me and Jed, and in an indirect way, you and Nephrite as well!"

"I recall you killing me," said Nephrite.

"Haha," said Zoisite. "You admitted it!"

"NO!" cried Nephrite. "I take it back!"

"Too late," said Zoisite.

"Come on guys," said Kunzite. "Beryl's actually pretty cool!"

The Shitennou looked at Kunzite.

"Kunzite, have you been taking your medicine?" Zoisite asked.

"What medicine?"

Just then, Beryl returned. "I've gathered my things!"

"Mmmmrmmm!" came a mumbling sound from one of her suitcases. It burst open, revealing Mamoru Chiba gasping for air.

"Endymion!" yelled Kunzite. "Why are you bringing him!?"

"I heard the Tasty Cake factory is a romantic destination," said Beryl. "It makes sense for me to bring my boyfriend!"

"Hey, hold on a second," began Mamoru.

"What's so wrong with Endymion coming?" taunted Zoisite. "Endymion's actually pretty cool!"

"Prince Endymion SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!" yelled Kunzite.

"What was that?" asked Beryl.

"Nothing," said Kunzite.

They teleported to the factory.

* * *

"So this is where we make our muffins," said the tour guide.

"Ooooooh," said Jadeite taking pictures. "Ahhhhhhhh!"

"When do we get to buy some Tasty Cakes?" asked Nephrite.

"You can buy them at the souvenir shop on the way out," said the guide.

They continued through the factory.

"And here is where the fresh cupcakes come out of the oven to be cooled!" the guide explained.

"Hey Kunzite," challenged Endymion. "I bet you're too much of a coward to take a Tasty Cake off the rack and eat it! I mean you do make humans do your dirty work, noob boy!"

"Ha!" scoffed Kunzite. "I'll eat two!"

He took them off the conveyer belt when no one was looking and gobbled them down.

"Hahahhaha," he laughed.

"That's nothing!" cried Endymion. He ate three.

Kunzite stuck his arm out and collected several, throwing them in his mouth and chomping. "Hahahahhahaha."

"He's strong," admitted Endymion. "But I'm stronger!"

He put his head in front of where the cupcakes were coming out and started chomping them as they emerged.

"Shit!" cried Kunzite. "He's cutting off the supply!"

He stuck his head out in front of Endymion and started stealing them before they could reach him.

"Cut it out!" exclaimed Zoisite. "You're going to get caught!"

"Don't be ridiculous," said Kunzite between bites.

Suddenly, the tour guide turned around and caught Kunzite red-handed.

"What are you doing!?"

"Uh… nothing…?" said Kunzite as cupcakes bounced off his face.

"You're tainting the supply!"

"It wasn't just me!" insisted Kunzite. "Endymion was also-"

He turned around, but Endymion was gone.

"I'm going to have to ask you to wait outside until the end of the tour, since you're unable to control yourself," said the tour guide.

Nephrite started laughing. Beryl shook her head.

"No, seriously!" cried Kunzite.

He turned around as he got pushed out the door, and saw Endymion snickering behind Beryl.

"Endymioooon!" he shouted as he was tossed outside the establishment.

"Good riddance!" said Nephrite.

The rest of them continued on.

"I'm gonna go outside and see how Kunzite's taking it," said Zoisite.

"If he leaves he can't come back," the tour guide told them.

"But… but!"

"Don't go!" said Nephrite. "You still haven't tried a Tasty Cake!"

"I don't want to!"

"No, you're just a chicken!"

"Nice try Nephboy, but you can't bait me into doing stupid stuff that easily!"

"Hrmmm," said Nephrite, going back to the drawing board.

"Woah!" cried Jadeite. "What's that?!"

"That's the vat of sugar," said the guide.

"It's huuuuuuuuuge!" exclaimed Jed.

"That's what he said," said Zoisite.

"There's 900,000 pounds of sugar in there," the tour guide continued.

"I'm going in," said Jadeite.

"No!" shouted Nephrite and Zoisite.

"Do it! Do it!" chanted Beryl.

"Yeah, Queen Beryl told me to!" insisted Jadeite. "I can't disobey her!"

"Why not?" asked Nephrite. "Beryl's a weakling!"

"Endymion!" cried Beryl. "Don't let him talk to me that way!"

Endymion sighed. "Leave her alone."

"No," said Nephrite.

"Sorry Beryl, he said no. There's nothing else I can do!"

Beryl crossed her arms and turned away. "You're not the man I thought you were!"

"Ok," said Endymion.

Beryl started to rage in the corner.

"Come on Beryl," consulted Jed. "You're too good for him."

"You're right," sniffled Beryl. "I am. Let's move on!"

They started to leave the room.

"Hey," said the tour guide. "Weren't there five of you left?"

"Ummm, I don't think so," said Beryl.

"No, there was definitely another guy."

Nephrite and Zoisite turned around and saw Jed on a diving board over the vat of sugar.

"Stall him," whispered Nephrite to Beryl. "We'll get Jed back!"

"Hey!" said Beryl. "So who founded the Tasty Cake Corporation anyway?"

"I'm glad you asked!" said the tour guide. "Well, it all started in 1907…"

Jed bounced twice and leapt off the board. "Sugary goodness, here I come!"

When he was inches away from hitting the sugar, something grabbed his leg.

As it turned out, Zoisite was holding Nephrite, who was dangling far enough over the edge of the vat to catch Jed.

"Let go of me, Nephrite!" cried Jadeite. "This is my destiny!"

"No!" cried Nephrite. "There's so much more to live for!"

"SUUUUUGAAAAAAAAAAAR!" Jadeite sobbed. He started gnawing on Nephrite's hand.

"Youch, stop!" yelled Nephrite.

"Stop shaking, I'm losing my grip!" cried Zoisite.

"LET GO OF ME!" cried Jed, rocking his body back and forth like a swing. He was so close he could smell the sugar.

"Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!"

Jadeite did the only thing he could think of. He kicked Nephrite in the head.

"OWWWWW!" screamed Nephrite. "It hurts!"

He started swinging back and forth as well.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" screamed Zoisite. "Uh oh!"

Zoisite slipped, and all three of them tumbled into the vat of sugar.

It made such a loud sound that the tour guide spun around.

He peaked inside the sugar vat to see Jadeite scooping sugar into his mouth and Nephrite and Zoisite unconscious.

The tour guide gasped.

* * *

Nephrite, Zoisite, and Jadeite walked out of the factory with their heads down.

"It was worth it," said Jadeite.

"GET ME SOME TASTY CAKES!" called Nephrite to Beryl as the door was slammed on them.

"Hey Kunzite!" said Zoisite.

"I don't feel so good," replied Kunzite. "I may or may not have eaten too many Tasty Cakes."

"I still haven't eaten one," sighed Zoisite.

* * *

"Finally, some alone time with Endymion!" thought Beryl as the tour resumed.

"Oh no, I'm alone with Beryl!" thought Endymion.

"Now these are the packaging machines. They cover the fresh-made Tasty Cakes with plastic and then shove them in boxes to be shipped."

"What happens after that?" asked Endymion.

"The boxes are loaded into trucks and sent far away from here," answered the tour guide.

"Eureka!" thought Endymion. "I'll be able to escape Beryl!"

The tour guide headed into the next room.

"Isn't this fun?" asked Beryl to Endymion. "It's like a dream, right?"

She turned to hear his answer, but all she saw was him sprinting madly towards the conveyer belt. He leapt on like a Wildman, and was wrapped in plastic and shoved in a box. The box shot off into a pile of other boxes that were rapidly getting shoveled onto a truck.

"No!" cried Beryl.

She leapt into the pile of boxes and started tearing them open. "You won't get away with this!" howled Queen Beryl. "You will be MIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!"

"What are you doing?!" screeched the tour guide, having spotted her.

"Uh oh," said Beryl. "You see, that guy I was with is in one of these boxes, and if I don't find him-"

"Huh?" asked Endymion, who was standing next to the tour guide.

"WHY YOU LITTLE-"

The tour guide booted Beryl out with one foul kick.

She landed on top of Jadeite.

"I'll catch you!" called Jadeite, half-buried in the ground.

"UWAAAAA!" cried Beryl. "He escaped my grasp!"

"You're too good for him," repeated Jadeite. "You deserve a man that can meet all your needs."

"Ok," said Beryl. "I need energy!"

"Hmm," said Jadeite. "I'm sure you'll find that special someone someday!"

Beryl slugged Jadeite.

"Oh shit!" realized Nephrite. "How are we going to get to the gift shop now!?"

"ENDYMIOOOON!" cried Jadeite. "Bring us snacks from the gift shop!"

"I don't think he can hear us," said Zoisite.

"Good point," said Jed. He pulled out a megaphone. "BRING US SNAAAAAACKS!"

* * *

Endymion stood in the gift shop. "I want some of these! And some of these! And some of those! OoooOOOOO and 25 of those!"

He went outside, wiping the crumbs from his face. "That was delicious!"

"DID YOU SAVE US ANY!?" howled Jed into his megaphone.

"Huh? Oh, sorry. They didn't have any in stock."

"LIAR!" howled Kunzite. "I'll destroy you!"

"No way!" shouted Beryl.

"Oh well," said Jadeite. "There's always the Twinkie factory!"

"What's a Twinkie?" asked Zoisite.

"You have to try one!" howled Nephrite. "Let's go!"

FIN


	119. Jadeite Goofs Around

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Let me stop you there, Jadeite."

"Ok…" said Jadeite. "Is this the end of my road?"

"Your journey has reached a conclusion," agreed Beryl.

"Have I expired?"

"You have."

"Ah," said Jadeite. "But wait, surprise attack!"

Jadeite charged Beryl, but tripped on the way to her throne and slid across the room.

"Dang, did you get these floors polished?"

"Yes," said Beryl. "Do they look nice?"

"Ye," said Jadeite.

Beryl stomped on Jadeite's head since he was right under her foot.

"That was mean," said Jadeite.

"I hope you learned a valuable lesson," said Beryl. "Teach a man to fish and he gets stomped."

"I don't think that's how it goes," said Jadeite.

Beryl was about to finish him off for good, when Nephrite road up in his shiny hotrod.

"Hey Beryl! I got some more of Molly's love energy!"

"Nephrite, how did you drive in in a car at the North Pole?" demanded Queen Beryl.

"Well, it all started on Sunday morning, at Maxfield's weekly tennis lessons…"

"Never mind then! But you left tire tracks on my newly polished floor!"

"But look at all this love energy!" bragged Nephrite.

"I don't care," said Beryl. "If it's not Endymion's love energy, it's worthless!"

"I don't get it, so you don't want energy?" asked Nephrite.

"I didn't say that!"

"Well actually," began Nephrite.

"Leave me alone!" shouted Beryl. "It's complicated!"

"It's okay, Beryl," said Jadeite.

Beryl stomped Jed's neck.

"Youch! Why didn't I stand up in this whole time?!"

"Hey Nephrite," began Zoisite, appearing suddenly. "After much effort and research, I have acquired your permanent records from second grade! And it turns out you get expelled from school for punching a little girl!"

"She had it coming!" cried Nephrite.

"Hahahahhahah, Nephrite has to beat up little girls because he's bad!" taunted Zoisite.

"No!" cried Nephrite. "I never wanted anyone to know!"

"Quiet!" scolded Beryl. "I don't have time for your petty squabbling. Has anyone done any work lately?"

"I got Molly's love energy," said Nephrite.

"You always get Molly's love energy! It's not interesting anymore!" screamed Beryl.

"Well golly!" said Nephrite.

"Yeah," agreed Zoisite. "That Nephrite's a real bozo. Why do you put up with that guy?!"

"You have a lot to learn, Zoisite," said Beryl. "Desperation is the best motivation!"

"What desperation?" asked Nephrite.

"My desperation!" cried Beryl. "I mean, Jadeite's too much of a loser to date, Zoisite and Kunzite are gay, and Mamoru always seems to escape my grasp. Why do you think I haven't killed you yet, Nephrite?"

"Because you're a weakling?"

"No! Well, that's part of it, but what I'm saying is that I think we should take our relationship to the next level!"

"No!" yelled Jadeite. "I'll fight for your love, Queen Beryl!"

She stomped him again.

"Why am I still laying here?!" he cried.

"Ohhhhh," realized Nephrite. "That's why you didn't want Molly's love energy!"

"No!" said Beryl. "Actually, I was just kidding," she lied. "Give me that wonderful energy!"

"I threw it out," said Nephrite.

"YOU WHAT?!"

"You said you didn't want it, so I disposed of it!"

"I don't want Jadeite, but you haven't disposed of him yet!" complained Beryl.

"Do you want me to take him out?" Nephrite asked.

"Nah," said Beryl.

"?" asked Nephrite.

"Hey boys, make way for your leader," said Kunzite, marching in.

"Kunzite me boy!" exclaimed Zoisite, throwing himself at Kunzite.

"Pathetic," said Nephrite.

"Yeah!" said Beryl. "People like you make me sick!"

"Huh?" asked Zoisite. "What the Hell?"

"I wish someone loved me," said Beryl.

Jadeite opened his mouth to object, but a powerful stomp came his way.

"Alright, this is sad," said Nephrite. "Jadeite, please stand up!"

Jadeite got to his feet. "Thanks buddy!"

Nephrite gave him a pat on the shoulder.

"So anyway," started Kunzite. "I came here to announce that I have found the Silver Crystal!"

"WHERE?!" screamed Beryl.

"The silver what?" asked Nephrite.

"Why didn't you tell me about this sooner?!" screamed Beryl.

"Well honestly," admitted Kunzite. "I figured since I had it and you didn't, that I could just take over the world on my own. But it doesn't seem to be working, so maybe you can take a crack at it!"

He handed it to Beryl and she examined the crystal.

"Kunzite, why does the Silver Crystal say 'Made in China,' on it?"

"I don't know," shrugged Kunzite. "Maybe that's where the Silver Crystal originated!"

"I don't think so," said Beryl. "Did you get this in a quarter machine?"

"I'll have you know it was a 50 cent machine!" howled Kunzite.

"Haha," laughed Nephrite.

"Kunzite go to your room," shouted Beryl.

"D'ah," said Kunzite. He went back to his castle and went in his room. "Hahahha, I still have my PSP in here! Joke's on her!"

Queen Beryl turned off the Wi-Fi.

"NO!" cried Kunzite. "Now I can't play Sonic Racer with friends!"

"Kunzite is oblivious," said Nephrite.

"You're oblivious!" cried Zoisite.

"He has no people experience," continued Nephrite. "I, however, have taken the time to study the human race!"

"And what did you learn?" asked Beryl.

"Urmmm… I learned what love was," said Nephrite. "And I learned that the human world is way better than the Negaverse. Like seriously, there's nothing to do here, and it's all black and gloomy! Why do you think I always stay in my Earth home? No offense Beryl, but this place is shit!"

"WWHHHHAAT?" screamed Queen Beryl. "I always thought that too, but I thought you all liked it so I kept it this way!"

"We all hate it," said Jadeite. "Literally I just live in a dark space. It's downright depressing."

"Huh," said Queen Beryl. "Let's remodel the Negaverse!"

* * *

"Good work team!" said Queen Beryl. "I'm glad you stuck with my design ideas!"

The Negaverse was hot pink and covered in flowers everywhere. There was a blue sky and a huge rainbow. The sun was Endymion's head.

"Beautiful!" cried Beryl.

"Hmm," thought Kunzite. "I suppose I can leave my room now, since it's been two weeks…"

Kunzite stepped outside to get the Nega-news.

"AHHHH! WHAT IS THIS?!" he cried.

He teleported to Beryl.

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!? THE NEGAVERSE WAS SO WONDERFUL AND DARK, JUST LIKE MY SOUL!"

"You don't like it?" asked Beryl in shock.

"Of course not! Why is the sun Endymion's head?! I hate that guy!"

"You're nitpicking," scoffed Beryl. "Surely you must love the flowers and the rainbow!"

"This place used to have a distinct and mature atmosphere, but now it's all over the place!" yelled Kunzite. "It's like a texture pack for Super Mario 64 made by a five year old!"

"But those are my favorite packs!" cried Beryl.

"That's it, I'm moving to Earth!" decided Kunzite.

He spawned a bigger mansion next to Nephrite's, blocking Nephrite's sunlight and city view.

"NO!" cried Nephrite.

Jadeite moped around the Negaverse. "Everyone moved out!" he cried. "I'm all alone!"

"You're never alone with the giant Endymion head sun!" said Endymion's head.

"AHHHHH!" cried Jadeite. He teleported to Earth too.

"I'm moving in as well!"

He knocked on Nephrite's door.

"Zoisite, why are you over here?!" yelled Nephrite. "You live right next door, there's no reason to come here anymore!"

"It's me," said Jed.

"Oh," said Nephrite. "I haven't seen you in a while. How have you been?"

"Good, good," said Jed. "Say, do you have a spare room?"

"No," said Nephrite. "Why do you ask?"

"Oh… no reason," said Jadeite dejectedly. He moped away.

"I also don't have a view of the city or any natural sunlight anymore either!" called Nephrite. "But you don't see me complaining!"

Nephrite slammed the door and threw a chair. "AHHH!"

Jadeite knocked on Kunzite's door. "Hey mate," he said.

Zoisite opened the door. "Jadeite? Have you gotten a job as a door-to-door salesman?"

"No," said Jadeite sadly. "I wish. Say, do you have a spare room?"

"Yes," said Zoisite. "Why?"

"I wanted to move out of the Negaverse, since Beryl butchered it."

"You don't like the giant Endymion head either?"

"No," moped Jadeite.

"Hmm, hmm," said Zoisite, considering it. "How much space do you take up?"

"None!" said Jadeite enthusiastically. "You won't even know I'm there! I'll sleep in the cabinet!"

"Cool!" said Zoisite. "I have a nice cozy one in the kitchen just for you!"

Zoisite took Jadeite to his new room.

"Make yourself at home!" he said.

Jadeite examined the cabinet.

"Perfect!" exclaimed Jadeite in relief.

He hopped in and closed the door.

* * *

The next morning, Kunzite reached for a box of cereal. "Eww, I hate Apple Jeds!" he remarked.

He closed the door.

"Zoisite, why is Jadeite in our cabinet?"

"He was down and out," explained Zoisite. "I felt we ought to give our old friend a place to stay!"

"But what about the huge guest room?" asked Kunzite.

"Hey, he wanted to stay in there! I never said he couldn't sleep in the guest room! I honestly thought he was kidding when he said he'd sleep in the cabinet."

"You have a guest room?" Jadeite muffled from inside the cabinet.

"I thought you said we wouldn't know you're here," reminded Zoisite. "Keep your mouth shut."

"Aye aye!" said Jadeite.

* * *

1 month later…

"Jadeite, you haven't paid your rent," said Zoisite.

"Yikes," said Jadeite. "How much is it?"

"Well, this is city front property, after all," said Zoisite. "So, I'm going to say around 5,000 yen."

"I don't know what that means," said Jadeite. "I wish they'd convert that in the subs."

"Me too," said Zoisite. "But to what, though? We don't have a currency in the Negaverse."

"What about Negabucks?"

"They haven't had value since the Great Negadepression," reminded Zoisite.

"Oh yeah," said Jed. "Those were dark times. I'm glad we made it through it!"

"Rent?" asked Zoisite.

"Uh… I can't afford it!" cried Jadeite. "But I'll get a job!"

"Mmm, that's too bad!" said Zoisite.

"No! Please! I have nowhere to stay!"

"Well, there is one job I was looking for someone to do…"

* * *

Nephrite reached in his liquor drawer. "Mmmmm," he said.

"HAHAHAHAHHA DRINKING AT 8 AM?!" mocked Jadeite.

"Jadeite?!" howled Nephrite. "What are you doing here?!"

"Sorry," said Jadeite. "Zoisite's paying me to bully you!"

"Really now?" sneered Nephrite.

"Hahahahhahaha you talk to stars! Creep!" yelled Jadeite.

"Rrrr, back off!" howled Nephrite.

"Uh oh!" taunted Jadeite. "You're soooooo scary!"

Nephrite spun around, but unlike Zoisite, Jadeite wasn't quick on the teleport.

Nephrite grabbed him by the throat and smashed him into the wall. "Get out of my house, and don't come back!"

"WAAAA OK!" sobbed Jadeite.

Jadeite teleported away eventually.

"Hey… Zoisite?"

"How's work?" asked Zoisite.

"Not too good," said Jadeite.

"Mmmmm, that's too bad," said Zoisite. "I haven't heard Nephrite throw one chair today! Get back to work or I'm throwing you out!"

"AHHHH!" cried Jadeite.

Jadeite teleported back into Nephrite's house.

Nephrite was expecting this, and threw a chair at his head.

"Hey, at least he threw a chair," thought Jed as he died.

* * *

Queen Beryl gazed up at the bright Endymion sun as it rose above her gardens.

"Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm," said Queen Beryl.

The actual Endymion walked in. "Hey chump, what's up?"

He noticed the sun. "WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!"

Endymion exploded, as did the sun.

FIN


	120. Nephrite's Parents Drop In

"Queen Buster!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"That's great, Jadeite. How about- hey wait a minute. Did you just call me Queen Buster?!"

"Ummm…" Jed made a break for it. He almost made it out, but he got smacked by the door as Nephrite walked in.

He fell to the ground in the shape of a pancake. "Yeeeeouch!"

"I don't have time to play around!" barked Nephrite. "Queen Beryl, I have an emergency!"

"What is it, Nephrite?"

"My parents are coming to visit!"

"You have parents!?" gasped Queen Beryl.

"I wish I had parents," said Jed.

"Had I known that Nephrite's parents were still around, he wouldn't have them either," explained Beryl.

"It's okay," said Jed. "Beryl, you're kind of like my mom, so it makes up for the fact that you killed my mom!"

"Do you want an eternal sleep, Jed?"

"She's so motherly," sighed Jadeite happily.

"So," continued Beryl. "Why exactly is this an emergency? It's not like we would embarrass you in front of your parents!"

"Yeah, you should be proud of us!" called Jed. "If I ever meet your mummy I'll tell her all about that one single time you got energy but then fell in a love with a human!"

"Can it!" called Beryl.

"Yeah, can it!" called Zoisite, teleporting in then. "What is this about Nephrite's parents? You mean they didn't kill themselves the day he was born?"

"Why would they- YOUUU!" yelled Nephrite.

"Huehuehue," laughed Zoisite. "So when are they coming? I want to tell them what a mistake you were!"

"They're coming in one hour, but you don't realize how bad it is!" cried Nephrite. "You see…"

* * *

Earlier that day, on the phone…

"Nephrite!" exclaimed Nephrite's mom. "I'm so glad you finally picked up! It's been 20 years!"

"Well actually," said Nephrite. "Molly said she was about to call me back, and…"

"Who's this Molly character?" asked Nephrite's dad.

"Oh… you know…" sputtered Nephrite. "Just my perfectly adult and non-minor girlfriend! Who's not human! And is a studmuffin!"

"That's great!" said Nephrite's mom. "Because for a second I thought you might be dating a fourteen-year-old human!"

"HAHAHHAHAHAH!" laughed Nephrite loudly. "What do you take me for!?"

"So, we haven't talked to you since you dropped out of college," recalled Nephrite's dad. "Why'd you drop out again?"

Nephrite quickly searched his brain for an excuse. "I can't tell them it was to join the Negaverse…"

"Hmmmmm?" insisted Nephrite's mom.

"I own a huge corporation!" howled Nephrite. "I saw the opportunity to start my own company, so I took it!"

"Wowee!" cried Nephrite's dad. "And here I was thinking you were a deadbeat drunk who had no chance of ever being as good as his twin brother Nephrake."

"I'm just as good as him!" yelled Nephrite. "No, better."

"Now let's not go too far, honey," said Nephrite's mom. "He's nimble enough to catch and eat a squirrel for four meals a day. Have you ever been able to catch and eat even one squirrel?"

"No mom," said Nephrite with his head down.

"Exactly," said Nephrite's mom.

"But," continued his dad. "You should show us around the corporation."

"I don't know about that!" howled Nephrite.

"No need to howl, honey," said his mom. "We'll be over in a couple hours to meet you, your girlfriend, and to see how successful you've been after making the terrible decision to drop out and throw all that tuition money we spent in the garbage!"

"But… but I!"

"You are successful, right?" his dad asked.

"Yes, yes!" Nephrite cried.

"Good, cya soon!"

His parents hung up.

* * *

"So that's what happened," concluded Nephrite.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" laughed Zoisite. "You're screwed! Where are you going to find someone who's not Molly to be your girlfriend?! Only a fourteen-year-old would ever want you!"

"There's Queen Beryl," suggested Jadeite.

"HEEEEEELLL NO!" said Beryl.

"That won't work," said Nephrite. "I told them my girlfriend was attractive."

Queen Beryl gasped.

"And also I said I had a maid. I told them the maid's name was Queen Beryl."

Queen Beryl gasped.

"Oooooooh, this is getting good!" said Zoisite.

Queen Beryl was enraged. "You don't expect me to play along with this, do you?!"

"Please!" cried Nephrite. "Remember that time I got one drop of energy?! You still owe me for that!"

"D'ah," said Beryl. "He's right."

"WHAT!?" screamed Zoisite. "I got you seven rainbow crystals, and how did you repay me?"

"You were asking for it," said Beryl. "I told you Chiba was off-limits."

"But Beryl, he's the enemy!"

"That's a subjective term, Zoisite. You have a lot to learn."

Zoisite sighed. "Then if you're going to help Nephrite, what will you do about his made-up non-Molly girlfriend?"

Queen Beryl stared at Zoisite. "You are the only other girl in the Negaverse."

"Hey, only in the dub!" cried Zoisite.

"That doesn't matter," said Beryl. "You're the next viable candidate."

"NEEEEEEVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!" cried Zoisite. "Never! I will never pretend to be his girlfriend! I would rather die! DIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"What about all the Youmas?" asked Jadeite. "Aren't they like all girls for some reason?"

"You killed them all, remember?" asked Beryl.

"Now that you mention it, that does ring a bell, m'Queen."

"So there you have it," said Beryl.

"Oh, and I also lied and said I had a best friend named Jadeite, who was my business partner," added Nephrite.

"Saying I was your best friend was a lie?" sputtered Jadeite sadly.

"Yes," said Nephrite. "OH, and one more thing, I said I had a puppy named Kunzite!"

"This is an outrage!" cried Zoisite.

"Can it," said Beryl. "I owe him for that one small drop of energy. There's nothing we can do."

Kunzite teleported in. "Hey boys. What's all the hub-bub?"

"Kunzite!" cried Zoisite. "They want you to be a dog! And Nephrite wants to go out with me!"

"That's not quite the case," began Nephrite quickly.

Kunzite pulled out his blade of fury. "It is now that we settle this once and for all!"

"No!" said Beryl. "He gave me one energy once!"

"RAAAH!" yelled Kunzite. "First Mamoru, now this clown? Who CAN I kill!?"

"Jadeite," answered Beryl.

"D'ah, ok," sighed Kunzite.

"Hey, let's think about this for a moment!" cried Jadeite.

Kunzite charged.

* * *

"Wowee, that was a smacking!" said Jadeite.

"There's no time for this!" barked Nephrite. "We have to disguise this place as an office!"

"Count on me!" volunteered Jadeite.

"No thank you," said Nephrite.

"How about I just spawn an office building?" asked Kunzite.

"Ok, but it has to be in the North Pole. Also put your costume on!"

Kunzite grumbled out the door.

"That goes for the rest of you!" yelled Nephrite. "My parents will be here in five minutes! Beryl, put on that maid dress!"

Queen Beryl was stumped.

"What's going on?" asked Nephrite.

"How do I put it on while sitting in my throne?" Beryl asked.

"You're going to have to get off the throne, my queen."

"Get off… the throne?"

"Yes."

"That's absurd!"

"Come on Queen Beryl!" whined Nephrite. "I did that one thing once!"

"No, you don't understand. It's not that I don't want to get off the throne, I physically can't! My knees have given out!"

"Yikes," said Jadeite. "We need to improvise!"

"Shit, what to do… what to do!?"

Nephrite paced around. "I've got it!"

He put two wheels on Beryl's throne. "Tadaaa! You're a handicapped maid now! Not very efficient, but I'm a good person for employing you!"

Beryl glared at him angrily.

"What about me?" asked Jadeite. "How will I look like a business man?! I don't have a degree!"

"That doesn't matter," said Nephrite. "Put this tux on!"

"WOOOOOAH!" said Jed. "I haven't worn one of these since Nega-prom!"

"I have a problem," said Zoisite. "I have no idea how I would get myself to look like a girl! It's too hard!"

Nephrite shoved a dress on him. "There."

"Nice work," said Beryl.

"Now does Kunzite have his pup costume on yet?" asked Nephrite.

Kunzite walked in.

"Hey, on all fours!" howled Nephrite.

"I am a lord!" howled Kunzite. "I will not, nor will I ever…!"

Nephrite karate chopped him and he fell.

"No!" cried Kunzite. "This costume is suppressing my power!"

There was a loud knock on the door.

"PLACES EVERYONE!" screamed Nephrite.

Nephrite's parents walked into the office building. They were average-looking.

Mamoru Chiba was sitting at the desk. "How can I help you?" he asked. "Do you have an appointment?"

"Not technically an appointment…" said Nephy's dad.

"Then I can't let you in," said Chiba.

"Listen, we're here to see our son!"

"That's too bad," said Mamoru.

"Endymion," said Nephrite on his headset. "Why are you being such a douche?"

"I'm trying be legit!" said Mamoru. "And also I'm not very evil anymore. So I get to be mean to everyone and sabotage."

"Beryl really needs to re-hypnotize you," said Nephrite.

"Same goes for you!" shouted Mamoru.

While Mamoru was fighting, Nephrite's parents slipped by and hopped in the elevator.

"If our son is CEO, then he should be on the top floor!" concluded his parents.

"Now drop the elevator!" yelled Zoisite.

"We're not trying to kill them," said Nephrite.

"Why not? It would solve your problems!"

Nephrite was strongly considering it, when the elevator door opened.

"NEEEEPHHHRIIIITE!" cried Nephrite's mom. "My second favorite child! How have you been!?"

"You only have two children," frowned Nephrite.

"Ye!" said his mom. "But look how successful you are! Now if you only you ate squirrels like your brother!"

"Hmm," said Nephrite.

Nephrite's dad leaned in and took a whiff. "Mmm, you don't smell like alcohol at all!"

"That's because he took five showers," said Zoisite.

Nephrite slugged him.

"WAAAA! Domestic violence!" cried Zoisite.

Nephrite's dad gave Nephrite a dirty look.

"So, aren't you going to introduce us to your clearly female girlfriend?" asked Nephrite's mom.

"This is…" began Nephrite. "Uhhh…. Zoey!"

"Pleasure to meet you!" said Nephrite's mom.

"Hey," said Nephrite. "Come sit down and have a cup of tea, parents!"

"Wow, you've come far!" said Nephrite's dad. "Being able to afford tea, yeehaw!"

"The tea should be here any minute!" said Nephrite, looking around awkwardly.

Finally he stood up. "Dammit Beryl," he muttered under his breath.

"Hrmm, I'm going to go fetch my maid, Zoisite, keep my parents occupied!"

"What!?" cried Zoisite. Nephrite left the room.

"So," said Zoisite.

"How did you and our son meet?" asked Nephrite's mom.

"Well," began Zoisite. "I've known him for some time. You see, one day, I was taking a walk down an alley. I passed a large dumpster. Suddenly, I heard crying. In a moment of curiosity, I checked in the dumpster, and there was Nephrite. He was nude and eating scraps. I took pity on him, and invited him into my mansion to clean off because he smelled awful. We hit it off, and we've been together ever since!"

"Oh goodness," said Nephrite's mom. "Why was he in the dumpster?"

"Beats me," said Zoisite. "He's an eccentric person."

"Hrmmm," said Nephrite's dad. "Has he… popped the question yet?"

"No, he said he's terrified of commitment and doesn't deserve a girl like me. Also he said he's a loser and doesn't know why Queen Beryl puts up with him!"

"Who?" asked Nephrite's mom.

"His… his maid! Even the maid's too good for him!"

* * *

Nephrite returned 20 minutes later, dragging Beryl who had reluctantly made tea.

Zoisite was twiddling his thumbs. "About time you returned, HONEY!"

"Heh heh," said Nephrite nervously. "I hope you didn't tell my parents anything too ridiculous!"

Nephrite's parents glared at him.

"Son, why were you living in a dumpster?" asked Nephrite's mom.

"Son, why were you addicted to crack for 20 years?" asked Nephrite's dad.

"Ahhhh, Zoisite, that jokester!" laughed Nephrite angrily.

"Here is your tea," said Maid Beryl. She passed them all tea.

"Hey, that's Nephrite-sama to you!" said Nephrite.

"Don't push it," said Beryl.

"Ugh, this tea is awful!" cried Nephrite's mom. She chucked it at Queen Beryl.

"RAAAAAAAA!" howled Beryl. "I'll do to you what I did to Jadeite's parents!"

She spawned a huge crystal, and yelled "AHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Nephrite had to put her down temporarily.

"Excuse her… she's still in training!" cried Nephrite.

"Bark bark," said Kunzite, in a normal tone, walking in on two feet.

"Kunzite!" cried Zoisite. "It's terrible! Get me away from these losers!"

"Nephrite, why does your girlfriend like the dog more than you?" asked Nephrite's dad.

"He doesn't! I mean she doesn't! I mean, that dog might need to be put down."

"Oh no!" cried Nephrite's mom. "Is he sick?"

"Yes," said Nephrite.

"Go to Hell," said Kunzite.

"See what I mean?" said Nephrite. "He's forgotten how to act like a dog! Look, he's standing on two feet and speaking like a person! Silly Biscuit!"

Kunzite started growling.

"Easy boy," said Nephrite.

"Heya, Nephbo!" howled Jadeite, marching in like a wildman.

"Now who is this strange feller?" asked Nephrite's mom.

"This is my business partner, Jadeite!"

"You can call me Jed-kun," said Jadeite.

"No," said Nephrite's dad. "So you share the business with our son?"

"Yes," said Jadeite. "However, I own 51%, and your son only owns 49%."

"REALLY NOW?!" demanded Nephrite's dad. "Nephrake owns 100% of HIS business!"

"Everything is about Nephrake!" cried Nephrite. "Can't you love me for me!?"

"No," said Nephrite's dad. "Next you're going to tell us you work for some evil organization and do poorly at your job! Maybe your girlfriend, dog, and business partner even work there too! And the maid's the boss of all of you!"

"DON'T BE RIDICULOUS!" screamed Nephrite.

"Mama! Papa!" cried some stranger, hopping out of the elevator.

It was none other than Grandpa.

"Oh no," said Nephrite.

"Now who is this?" asked Nephrite's dad.

"I've never seen this man before in my life," said Nephrite.

"What are you talking about?" asked Grandpa. "I'm your son!"

Zoisite gasped. "WHAT!? You had a baby, with another woman!?"

"NO!" cried Nephrite.

"HOW COULD YOU!?"

"You knocked up your girlfriend before marriage?!" cried Nephrite's mom.

"She's not his girlfriend! I'm his girlfriend! What is this!?" cried Zoisite.

"You're cheating on your girlfriend, and you got the other woman pregnant?!" gasped Grandpa.

"GRANDPA, SHUT UP!" howled Nephrite.

"GRANDPA!?" cried Nephrite's parents.

Nephrite started foaming at the mouth.

"It's okay, buddy," said Jadeite. "At least I'm still your friend!"

"I have never bean your friend, nor you mine!" howled Nephrite.

Jadeite, and Nephrite's parents gasped.

"That's no way to talk to the guy who owns the majority of your business!" exclaimed Nephrite's mom.

"Yeah, I'll fire you!" threatened Jadeite.

Nephrite punched him in the throat.

"My little boy's become a delinquent!"

"Waaaaaa!" Zoisite continued to cry. "I thought what we had was special!"

"There there," said Nephrite's dog. "You were too good for him."

"You're right!" agreed Zoisite. "I'm staying with you from now on!"

"HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!" laughed a voice from outside the window. "Nephrite's girlfriend left him for a dog!"

"WHO ARE YOU?!" howled Nephrite.

"It is I, your older and more successful twin, Nephrake."

Nephrite howled like a hyena, and then leapt out the window to tackle Nephrake.

But Nephrake embodied the essence of a flying squirrel. He glided away from Nephrite's charge, sending him flying to the ground with a thud.

Nephrake stepped inside.

"Hello, parents!"

"Oh Nephrake, it's terrible! Have you seen what's become of your brother?!"

"Honestly," said Nephrake. "I don't really see him as a brother anymore."

At that moment, Beryl awoke from her slumber.

"I'LL KEEEEEEL YOU NEPHRITE!" she howled.

"Calm down," said Nephrite's dog. "There's too many witnesses."

The elevator door opened once more.

Nephrite's secretary, Mamoru Chiba, marched in. "Umm, is Nephrite here? I just wanted to ask him when I'm getting my paycheck. I haven't gotten one since I started working here, and…"

"When did you start working here?" asked Nephrite's dad.

"Two years ago."

Nephrite's parents gasped again. "We need to put him in a looney bin!" cried his mom. "It's for his own good!"

Everyone ran outside to where Nephrite lay in a crater.

He tried to run, but Grandpa lassoed him like a bull and hauled him in.

"Why are we all teaming up on Nephrite?" asked Jadeite.

"Because he made us do this stupid act," said Kunzite.

"And because he's a loser," added Zoisite.

"Very well," said Jadeite. "I can't have someone who owns a portion of my company acting like such a loon."

"WAIIIIIIIT!" screamed Nephrite. "I can explain!"

"Hmph," said Nephrite's dad.

"This may come as a surprise to you, but I'm not actually a successful business owner."

"Hmph," said Nephrite's dad.

"In fact, I'm not successful at all! I work at an evil organization, and I don't do very well. Jadeite is not my business partner, or my friend."

Jadeite gasped.

"He's just some lower ranking minion at the organization. And Zoisite is not my girlfriend. He's actually a boy, and he is my nemesis. And Kunzite, sadly, is not my pooch. He's Queen Beryl's pooch."

Kunzite charged him.

"AHAHHH!" cried Nephrite. "WILD ANIMAL ATTACK! CALL ANIMAL CONTROL!"

Queen Beryl tried to hold Kunzite back. "You don't need to kill him," Beryl insisted. "His parents will do it for you."

"Oh, and Queen Beryl is not my maid," said Nephrite. "She is my queen. And I don't like her very much."

"I don't like YOUUUUUUUUUU!" cried Beryl.

"I don't know what to say," said Nephrite's mom. "You didn't have to go through all of this just to make us like you."

"…Really?" asked Nephrite.

"Yes. Because we still wouldn't have liked you. Next time, practice eating squirrels instead of doing this crap."

"Wa—a-a-aa-a-a?!" gasped Nephrite.

"Wait, then who's your bastard son?" asked Nephrite's dad.

"He's just some weirdo," answered Nephrite.

"And I'm…" began Mamoru Chiba. "Mamoru Chiba, sworn foe of Nephrite's organization!"

"You're a hunkster," said Nephrite's mom. "Here's 1 million dollars. Finish those losers off for good."

"Gee thanks!" said Mamoru. He flew away with the money and made no efforts to get rid of the Negaverse.

* * *

"Golly Nephrite, I'm sorry," said Jadeite. "I don't know why I was randomly a douche."

"It's okay," sighed Nephrite. "I don't need their approval to know I'm doing the right thing!"

"Yes, you're doing the right thing by being evil," sneered Beryl. "Dumbo."

"Beryl, don't make me dispose of you," threatened Nephrite.

"Don't make me dispose of YOUUUUUUUUUUU!" screamed Beryl.

Nephrite called her bluff and ignored her.

"Nephrite, I'm sorry I didn't play the part of your dog well," said Kunzite.

"Wow, thanks. I didn't expect you to be the bigger man and apologize, but since you did, I'll-"

Kunzite charged him like a wolf. He chewed him up and spit him out.

"Hey," said Zoisite.

"Hmph," said Nephrite. "Are you going to fake apologize and then tackle me as well?"

"Well, I was…" said Zoisite. "But I can understand what you're going through. My parents didn't approve of my decisions either. I let it affect me for a long time, too. I spent years trying to earn their favor, only to be met by more disappointment the harder I tried. As I got older, I realized that what they think isn't important. You are who you are, and if your parents can't accept that then it's their loss."

"Really?" asked Nephrite.

"Lolno."

"Dah," said Nephrite. "Bamboozled again."

"All's well that ends well," said Grandpa.

"Grandpa, get out of the Negaverse!" screamed Beryl.

"Alright, ALRIGHT!"

FIN


	121. Kunzite Loses his Powers!

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"KUNZITE!" yelled Beryl.

"Yes, My Queen?" asked Kunzite, teleporting in.

"It got in again."

"What did, My Queen?"

"That."

She pointed to Jadeite.

"Hmm, that cold," said Kunzite.

"Get him out of heeeere!" she whined.

"Come on Jed, let's go home," said Kunzite, grabbing Jed by the shoulders.

"Don't touch me!" cried Jed. He started throwing punches, so Kunzite threw him over his shoulder and dragged him out like a newborn.

He returned a few minutes later.

"Did you take care of him?" asked Beryl.

"He's at bay for now," replied Kunzite.

"Kunzite, I need you to do an important mission," Beryl began.

"Ok," said Kunzite.

"I need you to kill this girl that flirted with Mamoru at his job."

"Another one?" asked Kunzite.

"Yes," said Beryl.

"Queen Beryl, not to be rude, but shouldn't you use your crystal ball to look for the Silver Crystal, and not to-"

"Kunzite!" howled Beryl. "You're the only one I can trust with this mission! Don't let me down!"

Kunzite sighed and teleported off.

* * *

"Girl that flirted with Mamoru!" Kunzite began menacingly. "Your time is up! You're no match for the power of the Negaverse!"

"No, please!" cried the random girl. "I wasn't even flirting with him, he was the one hitting on me! Honestly, I thought he was a creep!"

"That's too bad," said Kunzite. "Die."

He raised his hand to shoot an energy blast and finish her off.

But nothing happened.

"…Huh?" said Kunzite in shock. "I'm having some… er… technical difficulties here. Please hold."

The girl tried to run off like a wildman, but Kunzite tackled her.

"No, wait!" he cried. "I can finish you off with or without my powers! Time to put all my martial arts training to use!"

But the girl knew 24 forms of Jiu Jitsu. She disposed of him like rubbish.

"How did this happen?!" cried Kunzite. "WHERE ARE MY POWERS?!"

He tried to teleport back to the Negaverse in shame, but nothing happened. "Dammit! Why do we live so far away!?"

* * *

Kunzite hopped out of his cab and payed the whopping fee of $15,000. "Thanks for the ride," he said angrily.

He went inside.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHBAHHAHAHHA!" laughed Nephrite, jumping in his face.

"You dare laugh at me, Lord Kunzite?!"

Kunzite threw a wild punch, but Nephrite brushed it off like a gust of wind.

"AHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHA" continued Nephrite. "This makes me the strongest person in the Negaverse! Time to become the new king! First order of business, Whiskey Wednesday!"

"HEY!" barked Beryl. "I'm the strongest person in the Negaverse, and I always have been!"

"Keep dreaming," said Nephrite. He threw Beryl off her throne and hopped on.

"Beryl, get me energy!"

"But… but I!" said Beryl.

"Do you want an eternal sleep?" asked Nephrite.

"HAHAHAHAHA, YOU TELL HER!" added Jadeite, wrapping his arm around his pal.

"That goes for you too," said Nephrite.

"Darnit," said Jed.

"Where's that bum Zoisite?" asked Nephrite.

"Where is Zoisite?" repeated Kunzite.

He went home after being verbally abused by Nephrite, and looked in his fridge.

"Zoisite, what are you doing in here?"

"You don't understand!" cried Zoisite. "Now that you don't have powers, I'm history! I wouldn't have been such a dick all these years if I knew it'd end up like this!"

"Don't worry," said Kunzite. "I may not have powers, but I'll still protect you!"

There was a knock on the door.

"Crap, what should my last words be?" asked Zoisite. "I need something memorable!"

Kunzite grabbed a golf club and answered the door.

"Oh, it's just you Beryl. Don't worry, Zoisite, there's no threat!"

"Not exactly," said Queen Beryl. "I just came to finish off Zoisite. I don't want anything from you."

"No way!" said Kunzite. "You'll have to go through me!"

Queen Beryl went through him like a door.

"Zoisite, you have to fight back! She's not as strong as she pretends to be!"

Queen Beryl hit Kunzite on the head, knocking him unconscious.

"Uh oh," said Zoisite. But then he remembered that he wasn't mortally wounded. He teleported away.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Beryl. "This is ridiculous!" she thought. "Why can I only kill people when they're mortally wounded!?"

* * *

Kunzite came to a couple hours later.

"Where… where am I?" he asked.

"We're hiding in the supply closet, where King Nephrite can't find us!" cried Jadeite.

"This seems familiar," thought Kunzite.

"That's because it is," said Zoisite.

"Oh, Zoisite, you're alive! How did you fight off Beryl!?"

"It was a close match," admitted Zoisite. "But in the end, I was able to outsmart her."

"You need to get your powers back soon!" exclaimed Jadeite. "This is anarchy! Nephrite is a cruel and heartless ruler! We shouldn't have been such jerks to him!"

"Don't worry," said Kunzite. "I'm not sure what took away my powers, but I know I'll be able to find out how to get them back!"

* * *

"Almost there," muttered Kunzite breathlessly as he climbed a mountain.

Zoisite floated next to him as he climbed. "You can do it!" he cheered.

"Here, just do like me," said Jadeite. He leapt from rock to rock quickly. "See?"

"STOP THAT!" Kunzite yelled at them. "I'm just a normal human without my powers! I can't do any of that!"

"Let us teleport you to the top," insisted Zoisite.

"No, I may be a human, but I still have my dignity!"

He trekked on.

Finally they reached the top.

"What…. What is this place?" asked Zoisite and Jadeite in awe.

"This is Prince Endymion's old palace."

"Yuck, why are we here?" asked Zoisite.

"This is where I initially got my powers," explained Kunzite. "They were bestowed upon me by Sailor Earth."

"WAAAAAAAHT?!" gasped Jadeite.

"I think we should save that story for another day," suggested Zoisite.

"I agree," said Kunzite. They stepped into a shrine-like building.

"What's your plan?" Jed asked.

"To come here," said Kunzite.

"Ok, now what?" Jed asked again.

Kunzite waited. Nothing happened.

"Well this was a bust," said Zoisite. "Should we climb another mountain?"

"NO!" yelled Kunzite. "Let me think back to that day…"

Kunzite faded into a flashback while the others just stared at him.

10 minutes later, he came out of the flashback.

"Aha, so that's it!" he exclaimed.

"What's it?" asked Zoisite.

"My powers are triggered by anger!"

"But… then why did they stop?"

"Hmmm," pondered Kunzite. "I guess I'm pretty content in my life. I get to be around my two favorite girls, Beryl and Zoisite."

"Wait, why'd you say Beryl first?!" cried Zoisite. "And why'd you call me a girl!?"

"Dub," answered Kunzite.

"Darn, that just continues to haunt me!" cried Zoisite. "But let's go back to that Beryl thing! Do you like Beryl more than me?!"

"Of course not….!" said Kunzite.

"THAT'S NOT CONVINCING! YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT ME WHEN YOU SAY IT!"

"Of course not…..!"

"YOU LOOKED AWAY AGAIN!"

"Hey, let's not come to specifics…"

"WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!?"

"Jadeite, help me out here!" cried Kunzite.

"I'm sorry to tell you, Zoisite, but Queen Beryl is a beautiful young woman," explained Jadeite. "There's really no competition."

"That's not what I meant!" cried Kunzite. "It's just… the brainwashing! And the… ya know!"

Zoisite glared at him.

"ANYWAY," continued Kunzite. "Let's go get my powers back!"

"Time out," called Jadeite. Making a gesture with his hands. "I thought we all got our powers from the Negaverse?"

"Maybe the weak ones without any powers to begin with did," explained Kunzite. "But the Negaverse enhanced the strong ones' power to make them stronger."

"Darnit," said Jed. "Even in another lifetime I was the weakest link."

"And you will continue to be forever," Kunzite consoled him.

They grabbed Kunzite and teleported back to the Negaverse.

* * *

"Hey!" yelled Nephrite when they appeared. "Where's my energy?"

"We didn't get any," barked Kunzite.

"That's Nephrite-sama to you," said Nephrite.

"Grrr…" growled Kunzite. He tried to summon power, but still could not.

Nephrite blasted him and he went flying like a ragdoll.

"Now," continued Nephrite. "Zoisite, give me the Silver Crystal!"

"I don't have it, dumbass," said Zoisite.

"Then you will die!" Nephrite howled.

"Yeah right, Kunzite will just… uh oh!"

Nephrite charged up his crystal ball and shot a blinding projectile that was about to finish off Zoisite.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Kunzite. He jumped in the way.

"KUNZITE! NO!" screamed Zoisite.

Kunzite was unscathed. "Your mistake was using Beryl's ball," he said. "She's a weakling."

"Hmm, then I'll just summon power from the stars to dispose of all three of you!"

"WHY ME!?" cried Jadeite. "All I've done was suck up to you!"

"Exactly," said Nephrite. "I hate people like that!"

He shot a huge asteroid at them.

But little did he know, Kunzite had already reached his peak level of anger when he had attempted to use Beryl's weakling ball to kill Zoisite.

Kunzite teleported on top of the asteroid, and punched it with his fist, shattering it into a million pieces.

"Hmm," said Nephrite. "You may have got a shred of your powers back, but I'll take you out before you can power up completely!"

Nephrite threw a satellite at Kunzite. Kunzite dodged it swiftly, and spawned his boomerangs of doom.

"YOU ARE FIN!" he yelled, tossing them at Nephrite.

Nephrite's clothes were torn to shreds. "Uh oh, he's getting increasingly stronger!"

However, Nephrite knew that he was much better at hand-to-hand combat than his opponent, who relied on powerful ranged attacks instead.

He extended his fists and charged them with fury, creating a whirlwind of punches and kicks.

Jed, who happened to be in the crossfire, got fatally wounded.

The tornado approached Kunzite, and he attempted to put up a shield, but was unable to be angry enough.

"Hahahaha," taunted Nephrite. "In the end, I'm stronger AND smarter than you!"

"NOOOOO!" yelled Kunzite.

"Also, your cape looks ridiculous."

That's when Kunzite blew a gasket. "NO! I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS!"

He lifted Beryl's entire palace into the air with magic. It floated above them as they stood on the dirt ground.

"Ohhhh scary!" taunted Nephrite. "I can lift weights too!"

Kunzite flipped the castle so the pointy top was above Nephrite.

"My cape is EPIIIIIC!" he howled. He dropped the castle on Nephrite, mortally wounding him.

Just then, Beryl crawled over to her ball. "I'll teach you to throw me off my throne!"

"Ha," scoffed Nephrite. "You're bad and you could never take me out unless I was mortally wounded! …Uh oh…"

Beryl took out Nephrite and put him in an eternal 5 minute sleep.

"HAAHHHAHAHA I'M THE MOST POWERFUL AGAIN!"

"Think again," said Kunzite.

He dethroned Beryl and took his rightful position as king of the Negaverse.

Metalia wasn't too thrilled, so he threw her vessel into the ocean.

With no drive for the Silver Crystal or energy anymore, they had to let Jadeite go.

He found work elsewhere.

Beryl retreated to the city where she got a job at a local coffee shop and lived in a nice one room apartment.

Nephrite was never seen or heard from again.

Zoisite finally accepted that Kunzite didn't like Beryl more since he threw her away like garbage.

Also, Kunzite was so mad that he killed Mamoru. He put his carcass outside the Negaverse like a flag, and they were never bothered again.

FIN


	122. Jed Bamboozles Beryl

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Hrm, let me spin my wheel of responses," replied Beryl.

She spun her wheel. "Oh boy, my favorite! Jadeite, you're a big loser and a failure! Sleep forever!"

Jadeite narrowed his eyes. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means I'm disappointed in you."

Jadeite tilted his head to the side. "Well then. I see how it is."

Beryl readied her eternal sleep attack, but Jed had already stormed off.

"How rude," thought Jadeite. "I may be the lowest ranking, but I still have my dignity!"

That night, Jadeite returned with a bucket of paint and a spray can.

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!" he laughed out loud. "Beryl will pay for her disrespect! MWAHAHA!"

* * *

The next day…

Beryl entered her throne room.

"JADDEEEEIIIITE!" she howled.

"Yes, My Queen?" asked Jadeite nervously.

"What is the meaning of this?"

"Huh?!" asked Jadeite in fake surprise.

"Jadeite, my whole room has been graffiti-ed!"

"Oh wow, I hadn't noticed. But now that you mention it, that's crazy!"

Jadeite turned around and started giggling maniacally to himself.

"Hey McB!" said Zoisite, teleporting in. "Wowee, what happened to your room? Looks like we have a prankster on our hands!"

Queen Beryl looked closely at Zoisite. "Zoisite, what's that paint all over you?"

"Huh, this?" asked Zoisite. "I was just painting my house."

"Were you now?" asked Beryl.

"Oh no!" thought Jed. "Zoisite's going to get blamed for my actions! Oh well, there's nothing I can do now!"

"Beryl, if you want you can come over and see the fresh paint for yourself!" insisted Zoisite. "Wait, no you can't."

"WHY NOT?!" screamed Beryl.

"Umm… come on, you don't need to! Don't you trust me, the loveable Zoisite?!"

"No," said Beryl. "Let me take a look at this alleged 'fresh paint,' or you will sleep forever."

"Uh oh," thought Zoisite, reluctantly taking Beryl to his house.

Jed tagged along. He wanted to be there for Zoisite's final moments.

"Hey Zoisite," called Kunzite. "Finished with that hag Beryl yet?"

"WELL ACTUALLY," said Zoisite loudly. "I unwillingly brought some guests home!"

"Oh god, please tell me it's not that pile of rubbish Jadeite! I hate him so much!"

"WELL ACTUALLY," said Zoisite.

Kunzite walked in the room. "OH, MY BEAUTIFUL QUEEN! What brings you to my house?!"

"I'm coming to see if I need to kill Zoisite," explained Beryl. "Step aside."

Beryl continued through the house.

"Now if you look to your left," said Zoisite. "You'll see the wall I was working on."

"Huh, well look at that!" said Beryl. "Hey, what's in this room?"

"NOTHING!" screamed Zoisite and Kunzite. "Don't go in there!"

Beryl went in there.

Inside the room was a giant dart board of Beryl's face. There was also a Beryl voodoo doll, and a large Beryl punching bag. The ceiling was a huge mural of Kunzite and Zoisite getting married on Beryl's corpse.

"Wowee!" said Jadeite. "You guys are great interior designers!"

Beryl said nothing. She silently left the room and went back to her throne.

"Gee, I hope Beryl's not going to take this out on us in the future," said Kunzite.

Suddenly he a got a text. "Kunzite, I suddenly have an important job for you to do. I dropped a hair in the garbage and I need it back. And also, I dropped a hay in a needle stack, and I need Zoisite to get that for me."

"Those are some strange orders," said Kunzite. "Do you think she's mad?"

"Kunzite, why'd you call me rubbish?" asked Jadeite.

"Because you are," said Kunzite.

"Aww man," said Jed. He went back to Beryl so he could make sure he wasn't about to get discovered.

"Hmm," said Beryl. "It's strange. I thought for sure that Zoisite was the one who did the graffiti. Who else has a grudge against me that would have done this?"

"Hmm, I'm not sure!" said Jed. "There's always that Nephrite guy, and maybe Kunzite!"

"No, no," said Beryl. "Only a complete idiot would write 'Beryl iz 4 chumps!' They're way too smart for something like that!"

"I don't know!" said Jadeite. "Maybe that's what they wanted you to think!"

"Oh wait!" realized Beryl. "Why am I sitting here on a wild goose chase when I could just check the security cams?"

"Hahaha, you could always just… wait a second!" cried Jed. "Security cams!? Since when did you have those?!"

"Don't be ridiculous, Jed!" laughed Beryl. "You installed them yourself! You said it would help me catch one of those other idiots doing something destructive!"

"Heh heh," recalled Jadeite. "Now that you mention it that does sound familiar. But I don't think it's a good idea to check them! I probably installed them wrong!"

"Nonsense," said Beryl. "You're not completely incompetent. Actually, scratch that. But there's no harm in checking the tapes."

Jadeite made peace with the world as Beryl turned on the tapes.

"I've had a long life," he tried to convince himself. "I accomplished a lot… well…"

"Hmm," said Beryl. "It appears these tapes are too dark to make out who that was."

"PHEW!" screamed Jadeite.

"Did you just say 'phew' out loud?" asked Beryl.

"No ma'am!" said Jed.

"Wait, he's stepping into the light for a second..!"

"Uh oh," said Jed.

"Oh my, he's wearing a Shitennou uniform! But I still can't make out his face! This still narrows it down a lot, though…"

"I knew it was Nephrite!" cried Jadeite.

"Wait a second," said Beryl. "It looks like he left a paint bucket! I'll just scan that for fingerprints, and we'll have our culprit!"

"I HAVE TO USE THE BATHROOM!" screamed Jadeite. He fled from the room.

He paced around the handicap stall. "This is not good!"

Then he remembered something. "Wait, I wear gloves! HAHA! There won't be any fingerprints! Wait a second…"

* * *

Last night…

"Wowee, this paint sure is messy! I don't want to get any on my fresh white gloves, so I'll take them off for now and put them back on when I'm done!" thought Jadeite.

* * *

"Oh boy," said Jadeite in present. "I need to retrieve that bucket!"

He creeped out of the bathroom and headed towards Beryl's throne room. He spotted the bucket and lunged for it.

"I've got it!" he screamed.

"Very good," said Beryl. "Hand it over!"

"NO!" cried Jadeite.

"Huh?" asked Beryl. "Why not?"

"I'll… I'll… "

"OOPS!" cried Jadeite. He threw himself on the floor, and tossed the bucket into the abyss.

"Ah darn, I always trip up at the worst times!"

"Dammit Jadeite, what have you done!?" yelled Beryl. "Now we'll never find out who did it!"

"Darn!" said Jed. "You win some, you lose some."

He lifted himself off the ground, but something fell out of his pocket.

It was a spray bottle covered in paint.

"Hmm, that's odd," said Beryl.

"Oops, I was holding that for a friend!"

Jadeite kicked it into the abyss.

"That didn't look like an accident," said Beryl.

"Hey!" said Nephrite suddenly. "I was taking the scenic route through the abyss to get to the Negaverse, and this just hit me on the head!"

He handed Beryl the spray can.

Beryl examined it closely, and identified Jadeite's fingerprints all over it.

"I was just using that to fix up some patches on my car," explained Jadeite.

"You don't have a car," said Nephrite.

"Then on your car!" screamed Jadeite.

"My car's not purple," said Nephrite.

"Hey, purple's the same color that the person used to spray paint my throne room!"

Nephrite and Queen Beryl looked at Jed.

Jadeite made a break for it.

He leapt into the abyss, but Beryl caught him by the foot and reeled him back in.

"Jadeite, what is the meaning of this?!"

Jadeite knew he was going out, so he threw a punch, and socked Beryl right in the face.

He realized this was his last chance, and threw everything he had at Beryl. But when the smoke cleared, Beryl was still standing.

There was smoke coming out of her ears.

She charged Jadeite like bullet, and Jadeite didn't have time to think.

Queen Beryl pummeled him until he was a pile of ashes. She then put the ashes back together and backhanded Jadeite across the room.

"You will pay!" she howled.

"Fair enough," sighed Jadeite. He pulled out a pillow. "I'm ready for my eternal sleep!"

"Nope," said Beryl. "You will have to clean all the spray paint off the wall!"

"That's all?" asked Jadeite.

"Did you notice what kind of spray paint you used?"

Jadeite looked at the bottle. "Non-removable titanium-strength spray paint."

"Just give me an eternal sleep!" begged Jed.

"Nah, get to work, lacky!"

"Hahahahahahaha have fun!" laughed Nephrite.

"Whelp, looks like I dun got myself in another twister!" chuckled Jadeite.

He got to work.

* * *

Kunzite rustled angrily through the same bag of trash for the 20th time. "I'm starting to think there is no hair in this trash!"

"Hahahaha," laughed Zoisite. "You actually followed your order?"

"Zoisite," said Beryl's hologram head. "Did you find that hay yet?"

"Yes," said Zoisite. He spawned a hay.

"LIAR! THERE WAS NO HAY!" screamed Beryl.

"Uh oh," said Zoisite.

FIN


	123. Jadeite's Golden Years

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

Jadeite examined himself in the mirror. "Hmm, that's not right. I need more emphasis on the 'energy!'"

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite again. "I found a new source of ENERGY!"

"Nah that was too forced. How about if I distribute the emphasis throughout?"

"Queen BERYL!" yelled Jadeite. "I FOUND a NEW source OF energy!"

Nephrite entered with his face covered in shaving cream. "Jed, stop hogging the mirror!"

"Oops," said Jed.

"What are you doing in here anyway?"

"I was rehearsing!" explained Jed. "I have to sound just right when I present my new source of energy to Beryl!"

"Do you even have a new source of energy?" asked Nephrite.

"Uh oh," said Jadeite. "Don't worry, it will come to me! Most of the time I just say random things and figure it out later!"

"Hmph," said Nephrite.

"Well cya," said Jadeite, prancing outside the room.

"Break a leg," called Nephrite.

Jadeite fell. "OWWWWWWW WHY?!"

"AHahahaahaha," laughed Nephrite.

* * *

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I…. ummm….. aww shit! I practiced, I swear! Uhhh…"

"That's it," said Beryl. "Have some warm milk."

"Ok," said Jed. He guzzled down the warm milk. "What was that for?" he asked.

"I just wanted to make sure you could sleep FOREVER!" she howled.

"D'ah, I walked right into that," realized Jed. "No Beryl, pls!"

"Give me one good reason I should spare you," said Beryl.

"Well," said Jadeite. "There's only four Shitennou, and if you get salty at any of the others or they die of natural causes, you'll pretty much be on your own. There's no real reason not to have some extra help, am I right?"

"No," said Beryl. "I said give me one GOOD reason!"

"Well," said Jadeite. "If you kill me, I'll never get to enact my greatest energy scheme yet!"

"Which is? I hope it's better than that boat one! That was just stupid!"

"Hey now," said Jadeite. "Trust me, you won't be disappointed!"

"If I had an ounce of energy every time I heard that one, I'd have about as much as you gave me so far!"

"That's not too much," thought Jadeite.

"GET TO WORK!" howled Beryl.

"Wwwaaaa!" Jadeite fled.

* * *

Jadeite slipped into his sailor/school uniform. "Wait, this is the girls' outfit," realized Jed. "Oh well, there's nothing I can do now. It's five minutes until class starts!"

Jadeite hurried to class and took his seat.

"Mwahahahah, this will be perfect! By blending into the teenage culture here at Juuban High School, I will find out what's popular among kids these days, and use it to steal energy! It's way less suspicious than standing around in an overcoat!"

"Hoya!" said an orange-haired girl with a strong, almost suffocating Boston accent. "Oy'm Mawly! You must be the new kid!"

"Ahh, you're Nephrite's girl," recalled Jed.

"Huh?" asked Molly.

"Say Mandy," continued Jadeite. "What do you see in that Nephrite guy anyway? Surely it's not his looks, and it can't be his brains, because he doesn't have any…"

"Hey!" said Molly. "I don't know how you know me or Nephrite, but that's not very nice!"

"Can it," said Jadeite. "I'm the new cool kid in this school. The bad boy, as some would call me."

"Is that why you're wearing a skirt?" asked Molly.

"RRRRR, back off!" barked Jed.

"Hidy ho!" said Melvin in a menacing tone.

"Here, take my lunch money!" cried Jed, throwing his lunch money to Melvin.

"That's what I thought, dweeb," said Melvin.

"This is great!" thought Melvin. "Finally, someone that's lower on the social square than me! I'm moving up in the ranks!"

"Hello class," said the teacher walking in. "I heard we're getting a new student. Jay, would you come up here and introduce yourself?"

Jadeite walked to the front. He was way taller than the teacher and any student.

"Hmm," said the teacher. "Aren't you a little too old to be in high school?"

"Nah, I just failed a couple years," said Jadeite. "Like all the cool kids."

"As if!" called Melvin. "I'm cooler than you and I never get below a 95!"

Melvin punched his palm threateningly.

Jadeite cowered behind the teacher.

"Well, there's nothing we can really do about it, so go back to your seat."

Jadeite decided not to sit back next to that school bully Melvin, so he sat on the other side of the room.

"Hey," said Jadeite, trying to make new friends. "What's your name?"

"Hmph," scoffed Seiya. "Just call me Seiya-kun."

"Ok, Seiya-kun!" said Jadeite. "Say, aren't you that guy from that band? What's it called again? One Direction?"

"The Three Lights," answered Seiya.

"Ha, never heard of it," laughed Jadeite. "Nice ponytail, queerboy!"

Seiya turned away.

"Darn," said Jadeite. "I almost made a friend!"

Jadeite slept through the rest of math class like a cool kid. "Learning iz 4 chumps!" he thought.

The bell rung and everyone left. As he was walking down the hall, he spotted the club board.

"Man, I bet all the cool kids are in clubs," he thought. "I better join one if I'm going to fit in!"

After school, he showed up at his first choice for a club, the No Friends Club.

"Hi, I'm Jay Dite," he said.

"Get lost," said Taco. "This club's full! And too cool for you!"

"Come on," insisted Jed. "I have no friends! Isn't that the point of the club?!"

"No, I want all the girls to myself so I can choose none of them," explained Taco. "Scram!"

Jadeite scrammed. "Somehow I feel there was a reference there I'm missing…"

He went back to the club board. "Oooh, a study club! Although it's not the coolest thing, this might be my only option!"

Jadeite went to the study room.

"You again!" he howled.

"Heya," said Seiya.

"Hahahaha, like your name!" laughed Jadeite.

"?" replied Seiya.

Jadeite took a seat. "I'm the new kid," he said flipping up his shades. "Most people refer to me as cool kid Jed."

"Aren't you the school nerd that gets bullied by lesser nerds such as Melvin?" asked Usagi.

"Hey watch it," said Jed. "Don't be ridiculous."

Melvin passed by the door, and Jed shrunk into his seat.

Everyone laughed at him.

"Grrrrrrr," he grumbled. "I won't stand for this!"

He slugged Seiya in the face, and threw Minako across the room.

"Don't attack my friends!" yelled Usagi.

"Why are you attacking us?!" demanded Seiya.

"Because I'm angry!" howled Jadeite. He punched the wall and broke his hand.

He stormed out of the room.

"That was strange," said Seiya. "Now who wants to brush my ponytail?"

* * *

Jadeite stomped back over to the club board. "Astronomy… perfect!"

"Hey guys," he said entering the astronomy room.

"So as I was saying, everything is ruled by the stars!"

Everyone wrote down their professor's words.

"Time out," said Jadeite. "I don't understand!"

"JADEITE!" howled Nephrite, spinning around.

"Did you say Jadeite?" asked Ami.

"Who's Jadeite?" asked Taiki.

"Just some goon from a couple seasons ago," scoffed Ami. "He should be dead."

"I'm not dead!" yelled Jadeite. "I mean who's Jadeite?"

"Can I have a word with you in the hall?" asked the professor, Nephrite.

"No?" said Jed.

Nephrite dragged him into the hall.

"What did you want to discuss?" asked Jadeite.

"Why are you here?" asked Nephrite.

"Why are you here?" asked Jadeite. "You're not a teacher…"

Nephrite looked around. Then he made a break for it.

Jadeite went back in the room. "Mr. Stanton had a family emergency," said Jadeite. "I'll be filling in. Just call me Jeddy."

"No," said Taiki.

"Anyway…" Jadeite thought for a moment. He decided to wing it based on the astrology crap he learned from overhearing Nephrite.

"So according to Mr. Stanton, when people die they are reborn as stars."

"LIES!" cried Taiki.

"How would you know?!" demanded Jadeite. "Have you ever died?!"

"No but my planet did!" cried Taiki.

"Huh?" said Ami.

"Anyway," continued Jadeite. "If people make wishes on shooting stars, they'll come true!"

"No!" screamed Taiki.

"What basis do you have to disagree?" asked Ami.

Taiki threw her out the window. "I will not sit here and listen to this nonsense!"

Taiki turned into a shooting star and flew away.

"Huh?" asked Jadeite in confusion. He moved on.

"The cooking club… Aha!"

He put on his apron and headed in.

But the room was on fire.

"Oh no!" cried Jupiter. "Cooking was my only thing, and I've failed!"

"What about fighting?" asked Jadeite.

"No," said Makoto. "It's just cooking these days! Especially since I lost to Yaten in my base form! I remember when I used to be a fighter!"

"D'awww," said Jadeite. "I used to be a fighter too. But then I became a joke when I was reborn. I couldn't even beat a bunch of kids after fighting in a thousand year war."

"SAME!" cried Jupiter. "Well, I didn't start being bad until my second episode. But I'll have you know I fought toe to toe with the Negaverse's greatest fighter, Zoisite!"

"Hey, I know Zoisite too!" said Jadeite. "He's actually a close friend of mine! But sadly, he's not that strong of a fighter. You weren't around for it, but there's this guy Nephrite who could stomp him in his sleep!"

"Hmm," thought Jupiter. "I met Kunzite, but he wasn't very bright!"

"How about Evil Mamoru?" asked Jadeite. "He's not very strong, could you take him on?"

"No," said Makoto sadly.

"Aww, that's too bad," said Jadeite. "Even I could take on Mamoru. I doubt he got that big of a power-up."

"Hey, you know a lot about the Negaverse," realized Makoto. "Who are you?"

"I am Lord Jadeite of the Dark Kingdom!" howled Jadeite, transforming into his Shitennou uniform.

"Who?" asked Makoto.

"You mean they never mentioned me?" asked Jadeite. "Not even once?"

"Nope."

"I'm gonna have to have a word with them," scowled Jadeite. He walked away.

"What was all that about?" asked Yaten.

"I don't know," said Makoto.

"You don't know anything," said Yaten angrily.

Makoto gasped. She transformed into Sailor Jupiter and charged him.

He took her down in his base form that wasn't even powerful. "eZ!"

"Whyhyhyhyhyhhyhyhyhyhy!" cried Makoto. "I used to be good, I swear!"

"As if," said Yaten.

* * *

Jadeite took the activity bus home from school.

Beryl met him at his bus stop. "How's the operation going?" she asked.

"Great!" said Jadeite. "I made tons of new friends!"

"Jadeite, you're not in school to make friends, you're in there to find ways of stealing energy!"

"Yeah, yeah, I'll get to it," said Jed. "But not until the school bake sale next week!"

"Jadeite," warned Beryl. "I don't think you're taking this job seriously. I might have to replace you."

"No!" cried Jed. "I've made too many friends to give up!"

"I don't mean kill you for once," said Beryl. "I just mean send someone in your place-"

"No, that's worse than death!" cried Jadeite. "This is my job! I never even got to square off against my arch-rival Melvin!"

"That nerdboy?" asked Beryl. "Are you going to fight him in a spelling bee?"

"No," said Jadeite. "I'm going to fight him in toe to toe combat!"

"Jadeite," said Beryl.

But Jadeite was already inside.

* * *

Jadeite was walking down the Negaverse hall, when he bumped into Melvin.

"No!" cried Jadeite. "I am so sorry!" he wailed.

"That's not going to cut it," said Melvin. "Nerds like you don't get to bump into me and live to tell the story! You make me sick!"

Jadeite tried to make a run for it, but Melvin was more athletic and caught him. He gave him 20 noogies and five purple nurples, and then gave him a swirly and left him there in the toilet.

* * *

Jed looked around his school cafeteria for a lunch table, but they all had people at them.

"I guess I'll try this one," thought Jadeite.

"Is this seat taken?"

"Yes," said Nephrite. "I'm holding it for Molly!"

"I don't think the teachers are supposed to be eating with the students," said Jadeite.

"I don't think the nerds are supposed to be eating with the teachers!" howled Nephrite.

Suddenly, Jadeite froze when Melvin sat down at the table.

Jadeite tried to tip toe away but Melvin caught him.

"What do you think you're doing over here, nerdboy?" said Melvin.

"Pls, no!" said Jed.

"I've had it up to here with a geek like you meddling in my business! Today afterschool, at 3pm. Let's square off. If you don't show, you'll be labeled a chicken for life!"

"For life!" cried Jadeite. "Isn't there any other way?!" He ran away crying.

He ran into the bathroom stall and took out his bag lunch. "I can't do it!" he cried. "He'll beat me to a pulp!"

Suddenly, he heard the door open, and he put his legs up to not be seen.

"Did you hear the news?" said some kid. "That new kid's gonna die today!"

"That's a real pity," said Seiya. "I better go watch!"

Jadeite was shaking in his boots.

The rest of the school day flew by in a daze. At 3 o'clock, Jadeite showed up at the playground. He was shaking like a leaf. "Is this the end?"

Melvin stepped forward from behind a tree. "I've been waiting for you, dork!"

There was a large crowd gathering around.

"Isn't someone going to stop this madness?!" muttered Jadeite.

"Taking all bets!" said a familiar voice.

Jed turned around to see a stand set up with Zoisite taking money.

"Ah, another bet for Melvin!"

"Zoisite, what are you doing here?" asked Jadeite.

"I just came here when I heard about the big fight! I thought it would be a great way to earn some quick cash. All the kids are talking about it!"

Jadeite was still shaking.

"Does not one single person want to bet for Jadeite?" called Zoisite. "If he wins, you'll win huge! This whole pot of money for the one person who bets on Jadeite!"

Nephrite stepped forward. "Alrighty, one dollar on Jed."

Jadeite's eyes lit up.

"Nephrite, I knew you'd come through!"

"I believe in you," lied Nephrite. "Don't let me down."

The crowd was now murmuring very loudly.

Jadeite spotted more familiar faces.

"Queen Beryl?! Kunzite?!"

They were both sitting on lawn chairs eating corn dogs and popcorn.

They gave him a thumbs up.

"They all came!" exclaimed Jadeite. "I can't let them down… I can do this!"

Jadeite was filled with strength like never before. For the first time in his life, he felt like he belonged.

"I don't need to be popular to be cool!" realized Jadeite. "I was cool from the start!"

"It's sad we have to see Jadeite die today," said Kunzite. "I really wished it would have been Nephrite."

"Did you bet for Jed?" asked Beryl.

"Heck no!" said Kunzite.

"Any last minute bets?" called Zoisite.

Melvin stepped over. "10,000 dollars on me!"

"Cool!"

Melvin stepped back in the ring. "Alright, let's dance."

"I'm not afraid of you!" yelled Jed. "Not again… not ever!"

"You should be," said Melvin. "You're a nerdboy."

"No…. I'm….NOOOOOOT!"

Jadeite charged with the force of a thousand suns. Melvin did the same.

Suddenly, as Melvin flew towards Jadeite like a bullet, Jadeite stopped in his place.

"I can't do this!" he cried. "I'm too scared."

He extended his fist in defense, hoping it would spare his life.

Melvin ran right into it, and combusted.

"OH YEAH," remembered Jed. "I have super powers!"

The whole crowd gasped.

"He… he did it!" the crowd cried.

"CRAP!" said Seiya. "I bet my spot in the Three Lights!"

"Darn!" said Usagi. "I bet the Silver Crystal, and Luna!"

"Dammit!" cried Luna.

"Shit!" said Minako. "I bet Artemis too!"

"Awww no!" said Makoto. "I bet my house!"

"I bet my grades!" sobbed Ami.

"HAHAHAHHAHAHAH!" laughed Nephrite. "All that belongs to me now!"

"Yeah….. no," said Zoisite. Zoisite fled with the loot in a bulldozer to haul it all away.

"NO!" shouted Nephrite. He ran away after Zoisite.

"Whelp, I think we all learned a valuable lesson," said Jadeite. "Don't underestimate the underdog!"

"WE LOST EVERYTHING BEAUSE OF YOU!" howled the crowd.

They closed in on Jadeite.

"Uh oh," said Jed.

"NOT SO FAST!" said the principle. "Were you FIGHTING on school grounds?"

"Yes," said Jadeite.

"You're expelled!" he howled.

"Hahahahha!" laughed Jed. "I really am the coolest kid of all! I am literally too cool for school!"

"Also," continued the principal. "Your records came in, and it turns out you're over 1,000 years old!"

"What of it?" asked Jed.

"You beat up a minor. You're going to jail!"

"Beryl!" Jed said quickly turning to Beryl. "Bail me out!"

"Nope, not this time," said Beryl.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" said Jed.

He would have teleported away, but he forgot.

He served a lifetime sentence but since he's immortal they let him out in 200 years.

He went home and reminisced while looking at his yearbook from his high school days.

"Good times… good times. Too bad I wasn't even in this yearbook since I was only there for a week. Time to finish that degree!"

* * *

The ratings for the Three Lights drastically increased when Zoisite took the place of Seiya.

"It turns out Seiya was the least liked starlight," mused Taiki backstage. "Who would have guessed?"

"Yeah," agreed Yaten. "I thought I was the least liked! Since I'm a total douche!"

FIN


	124. How Episode 24 Should Have Ended

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

But Beryl didn't hear, because Jadeite was sleeping eternally.

"ZOIIIIIISITE!" howled Beryl.

"Yes, my queen?" asked Zoisite, appearing at once.

"Where's that pest Nephrite? He hasn't reported back to me in 10 days! And he hasn't returned any of my calls!"

"Gee, I don't know," said Zoisite. "Maybe you shouldn't have threatened to kill him."

"D'ah," said Beryl. "He should have known I was kidding!"

"I know where he is," said Zoisite. "Do you want to know his address?"

"Is it in the Negaverse?" asked Beryl.

"No," said Zoisite.

"Then it's out of my jurisdiction. There's nothing I can do!"

"Can I go dispose of him then?" asked Zoisite.

"You mean can Kunzite go dispose of him?" asked Beryl.

"No, no, no, it's not his arc yet," explained Zoisite. "I can take him out on my own!"

"HAHAHAHAH yeah right!" laughed Beryl.

"Wait, you didn't let me finish! I have Youmas!"

"Really? I thought Jadeite killed them all."

"Nope, we still got a couple in stock. The last three."

"Well, there are five more, but I don't want to waste them," said Beryl.

"Hmm, but you have no problem disposing of us," thought Zoisite.

"What was that?" barked Beryl.

"Nothing. So do I have your permission?"

"No way!" said Beryl. "I can't just go around allowing my top generals to kill each other! However, if Nephrite were to die in an unfortunate accident, there would be nothing I can do."

Queen Beryl winked.

It took Zoisite a second to realize what Queen Beryl meant. "Oh, I gotcha!" said Zoisite. "I'm glad you low-key gave me permission, because I would have killed him anyway and I didn't want to make you mad."

"Hmph," said Beryl.

* * *

"What's the plan, Zoisite-sama?" asked Plant Girl #1.

"Wow, no one's ever called me -sama before," said Zoisite. "I'm honored. I wish you guys didn't have to die!"

"Huh?" asked Plant Girl #2.

"Nvm. So here's the deal. Nephrite's a superb soldier. Whatever you do, don't try to fight him head on."

"Good idea," said the plant girls.

"He seems to like this human girl Molly, so just kidnap her to lure him out!"

"But what do we do once he gets there?" asked Plant Girl #3.

"You get the black crystal from him **!"**

"But what if he tries to fight us?"

"Hmm…" said Zoisite. "Hmmmmm…."

* * *

"It's over for you, Sailor Moon!" grumbled Nephrite.

"WAaaaaa I don't wanna die!" cried Sailor Moon.

"Well too bad," said Nephrite.

"Stop right there, Chunky Monkey!" shouted Mamoru, throwing a rose. "What kind of sicko likes picking on little girls?"

"Isn't that what you do?" asked Nephrite.

"What do you mean?" demanded Tuxedo Mask. "I have never done anything but help my good friend Sailor Moon!"

"No, I mean in your Mamoru form," said Nephrite.

"SHHHHHH!" howled Mamoru. "And that dumb Usagi started up with me first!"

"What was that?" asked Usagi. "I wasn't paying attention."

"Ahh, good," said Mamoru.

"I don't have time for a weakling like you! Die!" shouted Nephrite.

He shot lightning out of his palms at Mamoru.

Mamoru leapt into the air and they spun around.

"Uh oh," said Mamoru. "This isn't gonna end well… Are you by chance weaker than Jadeite?" he asked nervously.

"Not a chance," said Nephrite. Instead of tackling Mamoru into the ocean, he blasted him to bits with the lightning.

"I don't know what he expected," thought Nephrite. "If he couldn't take on Jadeite…"

"NOOOOOOOO!" cried Sailor Moon.

"Alright, time to finish off you too!" said Nephy.

Suddenly, he saw the last three Youmas in the Negaverse fly overhead holding Molly.

"No!" he cried.

He chased after them on foot, but because they didn't have to run around building since they were flying overhead, he eventually lost sight of them.

"Drat!" said Nephrite.

Nephrite quickly went to Molly's house to see what happened.

All he found was a note. "Hahahahaha get rekt young one!"

It was in Zoisite's handwriting.

Nephrite lit the note on fire in a fit of rage. "RAAA THAT WILL TeACH HIM! Now time to go save MAWLY! Who I don't care about at all!"

* * *

He stepped inside the abandoned jazz club.

"Hmm," he said, upon spotting three weak Youmas and Molly tied to a bed.

"Shit, what do we do now?!" cried Plant Girl #1.

"Die, traitor!" screamed Plant Girl #2, charging like a wildman.

"No, stupid! We were supposed to threaten to kill Molly if he doesn't hand over the crystal!" exclaimed Plant Girl #3.

But it was too late.

Nephrite disposed of the three Youmas, and then wiped the dust off his shirt.

"Easy."

Nephrite shoved one of the Youmas against the wall. "You tell Zoisite I'm not handing over that crystal! Also that he sucks!"

"Y—y-y-es!" cried the Youma.

"Wait," considered Nephrite. "So I have to leave you alive to pass the word on, but there's no reason to spare the other two!"

"No!" they cried. "We're some of the last few Youmas in the Negaverse that Jadeite didn't kill with his incompetence!"

"Then I guess they'll have to start making Youmas out of people!" laughed Nephrite. He finished them both off with a single blow.

"Come on Molly, let's go to the park," said Nephrite.

He carried Molly to the park.

"Mmm," he said. "I'm glad we stopped and got those milkshakes."

"Did you ever have one before?" asked Molly.

"I did, but they were all shitty. For example, one time some nerd with googly eye glasses gave me a cranberry Snapple milkshake. Can you believe they would make such a terrible flavor?"

"D'ah," said Molly.

"You know," realized Nephrite suddenly. "You've taught me to understand love."

"Wowee!" said Molly in shock. "For realzies?"

"Ye," said Nephrite.

Suddenly, the one plant Youma whose life Nephrite spared fired a vine directly at Molly.

"NO!" cried Nephrite. He thought about shoving Molly out of the way and taking the hit to prove how much he cared, but then he realized that was silly, and that he was so much stronger than this Youma.

He shoved Molly to the side, and caught the roots head on, just like he caught that goat thing's horns in the previous episode.

"Uh oh," said the plant girl.

Nephrite threw her by the vine over his shoulder and into the ground. He then threw her back over to the other side, and proceeded to pummel her. However, during the pummeling, Nephrite's black crystal dropped out of his pocket.

"Hahahahahaha," laughed Zoisite, appearing at once. "You were no match for the Negapower!"

Suddenly he looked down to see the ashes of his plant Youma and Nephrite laughing hardily.

"Umm… what happened to the other two?"

"I killed them," said Nephrite. "Did the one pass on to you that you suck and I'll never fork over the crystal?"

"No?"

"Darn," said Nephrite. "If you want something done right you've got to do it yourself.

Zoisite was mad that his plan had failed. He shot petals in Nephrite's eyes, temporarily stunning him. He made his move for the crystal.

"HAHAHAHHAH! The black crystal is mine! I'll just have to wait to kill you until Kunzite's arc!"

Suddenly, Zoisite was tackled, and fell to the ground.

"Who…?"

Molly had thrown her body at him wildly. "That's Nephrite-sama's crystal!"

"D'ah, get off me!" cried Zoisite, weakly shoving Molly off him.

Nephrite picked back up the crystal. He decided to kill Zoisite then and there.

"Hahah you wish!" said Zoisite. "I'm calling Kunzite right now!"

Molly snatched his phone and broke it.

"Uh oh," said Zoisite. He tried to teleport away, but Nephrite grabbed his foot and threw him on the ground.

Molly did a pile-driver on Zoisite, knocking him into a state of peril.

"No!" cried Zoisite. "This was all a huge misunderstanding! I thought Molly had the Silver Crystal, and…"

"Why would you think that?" asked Nephrite.

"Good question," said Zoisite. "Only an idiot would think that!"

Nephrite was enraged. He finished Zoisite off in one blow.

"My hero!" cried Molly.

"Ye," said Nephrite. "Now come with me. I have some unfinished business."

Nephrite appeared before Queen Beryl with Molly.

"Oh good, you're back!" said Beryl. "Hey wait, where have you been?! I left 20 messages on your phone, and you didn't call me back!"

"Well," began Nephrite.

"SLEEP FOREVER!" howled Beryl.

She shot the attack. Nephrite tanked through it like a boss.

"Hmph," he said. He picked up her crystal ball and smashed on his knee.

Queen Beryl gasped. "HWAHHHHHAT?! I'm calling Kunzite!"

Queen Beryl took out her phone. "Darn it, the North Pole is interfering with my connection!"

Molly took Queen Beryl's phone and threw it on the ground.

"Hahahhaha, I had a protective case!"

Nephrite took the phone out of its case and finished it off, and then picked up Beryl and snapped her like a twig. Then he kicked over her throne, just to add insult to injury.

"Great work!" said Molly.

"Alright, let's grab as much money as we can find and high-tail it!"

"Why?" asked Molly. "You took everybody out!"

"No, there's still Kunzite. But he doesn't know that Zoisite's dead yet."

"Can't you just wipe him out too?" asked Molly.

"NONONONONOOOO!" laughed Nephrite.

They looted the Negaverse and skedaddled.

"Good thing Kunzite's been oddly absent most of this part!" Nephrite said in relief.

* * *

2 days later, Kunzite entered the Negaverse.

He found a note sitting on Queen Beryl's corpse.

"Dear Kunzite, I killed Zoisite. Hahahahahahhaha! You'll never find me because you were too absent for Zoisite to tell you where I lived!"

"NO!" cried Kunzite. He burned the letter in his fist. "Damn! I wanted to take an active role since Jadeite's arc! But I just didn't have the time! Gosh darn it Beryl, why'd you have to die on me!? Oh yeah, and Zoisite too! D'ahhhhhh!"

* * *

1 arc later…

"GAHHHH! This is where my story reaches its bitter conclusion!" Kunzite yelled as he died to Sailor Moon.

"Good fight," said Sailor Moon.

"Hey Zoisite!" Kunzite said in Hell.

"Kunzite, where were you?" demanded Zoisite. "If you hadn't been oddly absent when I tried to nab the Black Crystal then I'd still be alive today!"

"D'ah," said Kunzite. "But I doubt you would've still been alive today, since Beryl would have certainly finished you off by now. Oh, and speaking of which, where is my homie Queen Beryl?!"

Zoisite narrowed his eyes.

Satan perked up. "I sent her to Super Hell after she tried to pick a fight with me!"

"NOOOOO!" cried Kunzite.

"Satan, can I go to Super Hell too?" asked Zoisite suddenly.

"Sure," said Satan.

"Hahaha, cya," said Zoisite, storming off into Super Hell.

"NO!" exclaimed Kunzite. "Can I go to Super Hell as well?!"

"Nah," said Satan. "Zoisite told me you weren't there for him. You can stay here for being a jerk."

"With all due respect Mr. Satan, I don't think you have the right to be calling anyone a jerk."

"Hmph," said Satan. He left to go party in Super Hell.

"Waaaaaaa," complained Kunzite. "So I'm all alone?"

"No," said Grandpa.

* * *

Nephrite peaked his head into the Negaverse.

"Kunzite?" he called. "Ok good, I think he died from a weak attack. Now then."

He opened up Queen Beryl's vault of important things. "Time to finish off the rest of the loot!"

He found Jadeite frozen in an ice cube. He cracked open the ice cube like an egg.

"Brrrrr, cold!" said Jed, shivering. "So Queen Beryl decided to spare me after all?"

"No," said Nephrite. "I won."

"GG," said Jadeite.

FIN


	125. Jed Cheats at a Yahtzee Tournament

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

Crickets chirped, but there was no response.

"B…b-b-b-b-b-Beryl?" Jadeite stammered.

The Negaverse was deader than Melvin's snail watching club.

"Hmm," said Jadeite. "Looks like I have the day off! Now I can do everything I've been wanting to do for weeks!"

* * *

10 seconds later…

"I'M SO BORED!" sobbed Jadeite. "There's nothing to do in the dark space that I call my house!"

He checked his board game cabinet that he hadn't used since the Silver Millennium.

"Huh, I only have one game in here!"

He pulled out the box and dusted the spider webs off.

"Yahtzee," he read the title. "I don't remember how this was played."

Jadeite sat down for three hours and read the rule book. "I think I get it!" he said at last.

"Now to play. The guide says there must be 2 or more players, but I don't have any friends."

Jadeite ventured into the Youma slums. "Hey, does anyone wanna play Yahtzee with me?" he called.

All the Youmas went inside. He snatched a straggler and dragged her back to his dark space to make her play Yahtzee.

"This game is shit," said the Youma.

"Just roll!" cried Jadeite. "I could probably dispose of you, so I'd watch out!"

"Yeah right," said the Youma. She rolled an average roll.

"Hahahaha," laughed Jed. "Only three points! Now watch how it's done!"

Jadeite threw the dice in the air. He used his powers to make them all land on sixes.

"YAHTZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" he howled. "I WIIIN!"

"You cheated," said the Youma.

"No!" lied Jadeite. "Sore loser! L!"

"What does that even mean?" asked the Youma.

"L for LOOOOOOSER!" he said, sticking an L on his forehead.

"I'm getting out of here," said the Youma, storming off in a huff.

"Hmm," said Jed. "The Youmas are clearly no match for me. I should try taking my skills to the human world, where this game was invented!"

* * *

"YAHTZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" howled Jadeite again.

"Looks like player J. Dite is moving up to the next round of the tournament," said the announcer.

"GGRRRRR, you got lucky!" said the salty kid he had just bested. "Think about the odds of getting a perfect score on the first roll!"

"Hahahaha," snickered Jadeite. "Not luck, just skill!"

"There is no skill to Yahtzee," said the kid.

"Coming from a true rookie," laughed Jadeite. "Pathetic!"

Jadeite took his place in front of his next foe. "I bet I'm going to get all sixes again!" he announced.

"Haha," laughed the old lady. "Impossible."

She rolled an above average score. "Easy," she said.

Jadeite rolled all sixes. "YEEEEEEEEEET!"

Jadeite started guffawing and threw the board on the floor.

"AHHAAHHAHAAHHAHAH!"

The old lady fainted.

"That can't be," said a contestant to the judge. "He rolled all sixes twice in a row. I bet he has weighted dice."

"Impossible," said the judge. "These dice are issued from us at the beginning of each game!"

"Maybe he swapped them out when you weren't looking!"

"Hmm," said the judge. "Maybe he's just super lucky. Let's see what happens next match."

Jadeite rolled all sixes.

"IMPOSSIBLE!" cried the judge.

"Now we know he's cheating!" said the angry contestant.

They called Jadeite to the side.

"Let me see those dice," said the judge.

"Why?" asked Jadeite.

"The jig is up!" shouted the judge, snatching them. He put them on the scale.

"Well I'll be a son of a gun," he exclaimed. "They're completely normal!"

"He's hiding some trick!" cried the contestant. "Maybe a magnet or something!"

They patted Jadeite down and did a thorough body search. They found nothing.

"I know he's cheating!" insisted the contestant.

"Nah," said Jadeite. "I'm just a lucky boy."

"Well, we all know he's cheating," said the judge, "But we can't prove it. You'll have to face him next!"

"NO!" cried the angry contestant.

The guy sat down. "I'm going to be watching you really closely," he warned.

"I hope you do!" barked Jed.

The man scored a decent roll.

Jadeite threw out all sixes.

"EAAASYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed the man. He threw a wild punch, but Jadeite dodged.

They had to escort the guy out.

"That's the end of today's matches," said the bewildered judge. "We're down to four people. The semi-finals and finals will take place tomorrow at noon. See you there!"

"Hahahahhahahah," laughed Jadeite again. He skipped away.

* * *

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "Darnit, she's still MIA."

Jadeite went to leave, but bonked into Nephrite.

"Heyyyy, watch it!" yelled Nephrite.

"Sorry Charlie," said Jadeite. "Say, are you doing anything tomorrow?"

"Mmm, that depends," said Nephrite.

"Depends on what?" asked Jadeite.

"How I'm feeling."

"Well, do you feel like going to an interesting event, featuring none other than myself?"

"Not particularly…" said Nephrite. "What are you doing? Did you finally get accepted into ballet school?"

"No, I wish!" said Jadeite. "It's the finals of my Yahtzee tournament!"

"What the heck is Yahtzee?" asked Nephrite.

"It's a human game!"

"Hmm," said Nephrite, intrigued. "I'll see if Maxfield can squeeze that in. So long!"

"Wait, why were you coming in just to leave?" asked Jadeite.

"I was selling magazine subscriptions, but then I remembered Beryl is too cheap. Goodbye."

"Cya," said Jadeite.

Nephrite walked out into the North Pole and kept walking.

* * *

The next day, Jadeite pranced into the Yahtzee tournament, ready to win.

"It's a beautiful day to win that trophy!" he said. "It practically has my name on it!"

He looked at the trophy. It already had "J. Dit" written on it.

"Mmmmmm," Jadeite replied.

He walked over to the audience. There were only like five people, two of which were Nephrite and Zoisite.

"Nephrite, you came!" Jadeite cried with twinkling eyes.

"That's Maxfield to you!" Nephrite shouted.

"I came too!" yelled Zoisite.

"Zoisite, me boy!" said Jadeite happily. "Where's Kunzite?"

"He couldn't make it, although he wanted to."

* * *

Earlier that day…

"Kunzite!" exclaimed Zoisite over the phone. "I just got wind that Jadeite's going to be competing in the finals of a Yahtzee tournament! Do ya wanna come with me?"

"Sorry," said Kunzite. "I would love to, but I can't."

Just then, Beryl popped out of the changing room and Kunzite had to quickly put his phone down.

"Kunzite, do I look good?" asked Beryl.

"Yes my queen," said Kunzite in monotone.

"Does this dress make my butt look big?"

"Yes my queen," repeated Kunzite. "I mean, wait, no! Yes? What are you going for?!"

"KUUUUUUUUUUUUNZITE!" howled Beryl, slapping Kunzite with the purse she bought.

"D'ah," said Kunzite.

* * *

"He's busy clothes shopping with Beryl," explained Zoisite.

"Poor Kunzite," said Jadeite. "Although, I would gladly take his place any day."

"Semi-final match one, J. Dite vs. Good Sport Motoki!" the announcer called.

"Oh shit, that's my queue!" cried Jed.

"Break a leg!" called Nephrite.

Jadeite tripped. "Oooowww!"

He sat down at the table.

"Good luck and have fun!" said Motoki.

"Shut up," said Jadeite. "I'm going to win!"

"We have equal chances of success!" stated Motoki. "My favorite kind of game!"

"You're going to get beaten, and beaten badly," said Jadeite, ignoring Motoki's good sportsmanship.

Motoki threw his first roll.

"Hey, pretty good!" he said happily. He marked down his points.

"Golly," lied Jadeite. "I don't think I can compete!"

He purposefully used his magic to land a bad roll.

"It's okay!" said Motoki. "It's just the beginning of the game! You still can make a comeback!"

"Nah, there's no way I can win!" said Jadeite.

Motoki was a good sport on the outside, but deep down he was very satisfied with his surefire victory.

"This one's for you, Reika!" he called, throwing his dice. He nearly got a Yahtzee.

"Wowee, that was close! Looks like I'm gonna win it after all!"

"Yeah, you're right," said Jadeite. "Just kidding!" he howled, before even throwing the dice.

He threw down all sixes.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSY!" he howled. "AHAHHAHAH A HAH AH HAH AH HHH HA HAH AHAH HAH HAH A!"

He rolled on the floor laughing, and then punched Motoki in the stomach.

"HAHAHA LOSER!"

"Good game," said Motoki, sobbing. He moped away.

"Who's my next victim?!" called Jadeite.

"GOOD JOB!" cheered Nephrite from the audience.

"WAY TO GO, SLUGGER!" called Zoisite.

Jadeite sat down at the finals table. "This one's for all the marbles. Or should I say all the sixes!" he cackled.

He was squared up against none other than Rei Hino.

"YOUUUUU!" howled Jadeite. "You're cheating too!"

"Yes," said Rei. "What are you going to do about it?"

"How come they're not suspicious of you?" asked Jadeite.

"Because I'm not doing it so obviously like an idiot," explained Rei.

"She's strong," admitted Jadeite. "But I'm better! You're going down, down town that is!"

Rei rolled all sixes just to spite Jadeite.

"NO!" cried Jed, instantly realizing he had reached an impasse.

He rolled all sixes as well.

The crowd of five people went wild.

"Good job!" howled Grandpa. "You got this in the bag, Rei!"

"No way!" shouted Zoisite. "Our Jadeite will dispose of your granddaughter!"

"Do I know you from somewhere?" asked Grandpa.

"What?" said Zoisite.

"Shyaaa yaaaaa, braaaaah!" said Chad.

Mamoru suddenly woke up and lifted the book off his face. "Did Motoki win yet?"

"No," said Nephrite. "He was disposed of."

"D'ah," said Mamoru, leaving.

Jadeite and Rei each threw down another hand of sixes.

"Damn!" cried Jadeite. "She's good!"

Jadeite knew he would have to come up with some strategy, or else this game would never end, and he would never win his rightful trophy.

He threw down a random hand of all bad numbers.

Rei threw down her hand, and then Jadeite quickly tipped his dice over to all sixes.

Rei quickly threw hers down as a six before they landed.

"D'ah!" said Jadeite. "I almost had her! She was going to get arrogant and do all fives!"

* * *

Three hours passed, and Jadeite was in a hot sweat.

"I can't keep this up!" he thought to himself. "I'm gonna run out of magic!"

"Getting tired?" asked Jadeite weakly.

"No," laughed Rei. "How about you?"

"Nah, I haven't even broken a sweat yet!" lied Jadeite, taking off his shirt because he was overheating.

Grandpa had already died of old age, and Zoisite and Nephrite were sleeping on each other.

Chad had buried Grandpa outside during an intermission and then danced on his grave since he inherited the temple.

Jadeite rolled another round of sixes.

The judge was out cold.

"Hey, wake up!" said Jed. "You're gonna miss me winning!"

The judge stirred in his sleep but quickly went back to bed.

"This is going nowhere," thought Rei. "Time to step it up."

Jadeite threw his hand in the air.

"MARS FIRE IGNITE!"

She hurled a fire ball at Jadeite, and he had to leap out of the way.

"NO!" he cried. At the last second, he moved his dice to all sixes.

"That was a close one," he thought.

Rei threw her hand up in the air, and Jadeite shot a 10,000 volt lightning bolt at her.

She swiftly ducked under the table and changed her dice moments before they landed.

"Hmm, this'll never do," thought Rei.

Jadeite went to throw again, but Rei slugged him in the face.

"YOUCH!" he cried, but still managed a perfect roll.

Rei threw her dice again, but Jadeite was out for blood.

He tried sabotaging the hand and forcing the dice to land on random numbers. But fought Rei back, and used all her willpower.

A mental battle broke out as the dice floated in the air.

Too bad the judge was asleep.

Finally, Rei's will overpowered Jadeite, and she once again did perfect.

"Drat!" cried Jadeite. "I only have one trick left up my sleeve…"

A plane flew by overhead. Right as Rei threw her dice, Jadeite spiraled it down into the roof of the recreational center.

Rei had to leap out of the way, and the wind from the plane crash caused her dice to scatter randomly.

"NO!" cried Rei.

The judge fell out of his chair and woke up.

"I don't believe it! A non-perfect score from player Rei! If J. Dite gets another Yahtzee, he wins!"

"NO!" cried Rei again. "I won't lose like this."

Jadeite smirked. "GG, but better luck… NEXT TIME!"

Jadeite threw his dice.

The minute they left his hand, Rei pulled out one of her voodoo papers, and tossed it onto Jadeite's head.

"INTEFERENCE!" he howled to the judge as he was immobilized.

"How would that effect a game of luck?" the judge asked. "It's just a piece of paper!"

"DRAT!" Jadeite cried. He was unable to use any magic. "NOOOO! Why is this happening to me!?"

Time stood still as his dice slowly bounced on the table, about to land.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he cried, still paralyzed. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

His dice landed. He couldn't bear to look up.

"We… we have a winner!" cried the judge. "Finally!"

Jadeite looked at the table. He had rolled all sixes out of sheer luck!

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHHAHA I TOLD YOU I WASN'T CHEATING!"

"HOW?!" thought Rei. "That's impossible! Maybe he wasn't using magic after all, and he's just really lucky!"

"YEEEHAWWWWWWWWWWWW!" shouted Jadeite. He danced around the room as Rei left angrily.

"Come on Grandpa, let's go," she said.

"Sorry," said Chad. "Grandpa has passed."

"D'ah," said Rei.

Jadeite took a picture of Nephrite and Zoisite sleeping against each other for blackmail and then woke them up.

"GUYS, I WON!"

"Really?!" gasped Nephrite. "How did you beat such a formidable foe?!"

"I guess I'm just lucky!" winked Jadeite.

* * *

Jadeite put his trophy in the Shitennou trophy case next to the Shitennou Strikers bowling trophy.

"I'm a winner," he said out loud. "I'M A WINNER!" he screamed. "A WINNER! A WIIIIINNNNNNER!"

"No you're not," said Beryl, coming home.

"Nice dress," said Jadeite.

"Shut up," said Beryl.

"No, but seriously Beryl, I am a winner!"

"How so?" asked Beryl. "Did you get energy?"

"No, let's be realistic here!" Jadeite laughed.

Beryl groaned.

"I WON A YAHTZEE TOURNAMENT!"

"What's that?" asked Beryl.

FIN


	126. Jadeite Dies of Unknown Causes

"Queen Beryl!" read Jadeite's tombstone. "I found a new source of energy!"

Under that was his expiration date. "1100 B.C. – 2016."

"He was a good man," said Nephrite, with his head hung low.

"Yep," said Zoisite. "Riperoo."

Zoisite was wearing a dark veil and a black dress like a female would wear.

The rest of the Negacrew were sporting mourning attire as well. However, Queen Beryl just wore her regular dress and a party hat.

Even Evil Prince Endymion came to Jadeite's funeral. He shed a single tear, and that was all.

Beryl took off her party hat in a show of respect. "We close this book, but open a new one," she said with little sympathy.

"It's a real shame that Jadeite just dropped dead out of unknown causes," said Kunzite. "He will be missed."

"You know what this means, don't you?" asked Beryl. "It's time to find a new member!"

"We can't just replace Jadeite like some animal," barked Nephrite. But then he started to giggle, and couldn't hold a straight face.

"How come you didn't look for replacements the first time we all died?" asked Zoisite.

"That's simple," said Beryl. "This time we're in it for the long run. We're building an organization to last."

"Oooh, ooh!" exclaimed Nephrite.

"Yes, Nephrite?" began Beryl.

"I have someone I would like to recommend for the position!"

"Who?" asked Beryl. "That human girl?"

"Ye," said Nephrite.

"No," said Beryl. "We need someone just as strong as Jadeite to take over in his place!"

"Hmm," said Kunzite. "That will be hard to find."

Kunzite reached in his pocket and pulled out a paper clip. "Oh look, I found a replacement!"

"Really? At the man's funeral?" asked Evil Endymion. "That's just cruel."

"SHUT UP!" howled Kunzite. "You were texting the whole time we were giving our eulogies!"

"What of it?" barked Endymion.

"This guy is unbelievable," said Kunzite angrily, punching a tombstone.

"Well, I know this will be hard," said Beryl. "But let's go loot Jadeite's room. I'm sure he left something good."

When they arrived in his room, it was just a dark space with a single cabinet.

Beryl looked in the cabinet. "Hey look, it's his will! Let's take a peak."

She started reading out loud, but everyone envisioned it being read in Jadeite's voice.

"Hey boys. If you're reading this, Beryl killed me again and didn't revive me. The only thing I have to say is 'd'ah, you win some, you lose some.' I don't regret my mistakes, including whichever one I did to get killed. Because through all of this, I never lost sight of who I was."

"Get on with it!" howled Nephrite at Jadeite's image.

"Ok, ok," continued Jadeite's will. "Although I have few possessions, I want to leave them to my greatest friends. Queen Beryl, you can have my ashes. I give them to you because you'll miss me the most."

Beryl scoffed.

"Also, if you didn't catch on from when I said I'm leaving my ashes to Beryl, I want to be cremated."

"Well we already buried him, so that's not going to happen," said Beryl.

"Furthermore, I want to leave all my energy to Metalia. She needs it more than anyone. Next, I want to leave my diary to Zoisite, since he's the only one that can understand my struggles."

Zoisite started to cry. "Why do the good die young?!"

"Next, my pal Nephrite. I don't have anything to leave to him, so I give him my blessings."

"Cheap son of a gun!" howled Nephrite.

"Oh, and that half empty can of beer under my cabinet."

"Hot diggity dog!" said Nephrite. "I was wrong about him!"

"Although I never really got to know Kunzite well, I knew he was a good man. That's why I want to leave him my tropical goldfish. He will take good care of them."

Kunzite took Jadeite's tropical fish. "I will raise you like my own," he promised.

"Last, but certainly not least. My favorite member of the gang, Evil Endymion, will inherit my home, my cabinet, and everything in my bank account. That is, if he's still evil. If he's not, then I want it all to go to the next best person, Mamoru Chiba. Whelp, that's it for me! FIN," Jadeite concluded his will. "Don't forget me!"

"Wait, what were we reading again?" asked Beryl.

"I think it was about that Jadeite guy," said Mamoru.

"Ah," said Beryl. "Did he leave me anything good?"

"No," Mamoru informed her.

"D'ah," said Beryl. She went home.

The rest went their separate ways, but Mamoru stayed behind.

"This room is shit," he noted. "It's just an empty space. If I had to guess, the same will go for Jadeite's bank account."

Mamoru headed to the bank just to make sure.

"How much funds did this chump leave me?" he asked the bank teller.

"One," said the bank teller.

"D'ah," said Mamoru. "Just one dollar?"

"No," said the bankteller. "One trillion yen!"

"Is that a lot?" asked Mamoru.

"Yes," said the banker. "Not as much as it would be in USD, but it's easily over a billion USD."

"YEEEEEHAWWWW!" howled Mamoru. He danced like a Wildman and then emptied Jadeite's bank account in all pennies.

* * *

"Hmm," thought Beryl, sitting on her throne by herself. "Jadeite would be telling me he had a new source of energy right about now, but never getting around to specifying what it was. I sort of miss those days…"

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Nephrite.

Queen Beryl perked up. Then she narrowed her eyes. "Oh, it's only you."

"But I found a new source of energy!" said Nephrite.

"CAN IT!" howled Beryl. "IT'S NOT THE SAME!"

"Oh, did I say energy?" asked Nephrite. "I meant the open audition you posted about all around town is about to begin. The line stretches all the way to the arctic ocean."

"Oh yeah," recalled Beryl. "Send em' in."

Queen Beryl, Nephrite, Zoisite, and Kunzite were sitting on a desk, prepared to audition new members.

"I swear, if the first person is Grandpa," said Beryl.

Grandpa marched in.

"Darn it," said Beryl.

"Hidy ho," said Grandpa, throwing everyone off.

"HEY!" yelled Melvin from further back in the line.

"Ok," sneered Beryl. "Why do you think you have what it takes to replace Jadeite?"

"Cuz I feel evil!" howled Grandpa. He charged mercilessly and took down Zoisite in one hit.

Kunzite took to the skies, but Grandpa grabbed his leg and spun him around like a top.

He died from reaching a lethal velocity.

Nephrite went to teleport, but Grandpa roped him in like a bull. Grandpa tossed him onto the ground and finished him off with a good ol' Grandpa Pile Driver.

Beryl was hiding under the desk, hoping she wouldn't be seen, but Grandpa detected her power level.

He threw the desk in the air, stomped Beryl, and by the time the desk fell back to the ground, Beryl was no more.

Granpda walked away.

The Shitennou and Beryl respawned a couple minutes later.

They pretended none of that happened.

They called in the next guy.

"Hidy ho!" said Melvin.

They assumed it was Grandpa again and disposed of him.

The next auditionee entered soon after.

"Hello guys, I'm Motoki!"

"Hmm," said Beryl. "Show me your moves!"

Motoki started break-dancing.

"No, no, none of that," said Beryl.

"I don't know," said Nephrite. "This guy might be a good replacement. He's a goofball just like Jed."

"Yeah, and he looks just like him!" said Zoisite. "If he gets a sore throat, he'll basically be a clone of ol' Jed!"

"But do we want another Jed?" asked Kunzite.

"Hmm, good point," said Beryl.

They killed Motoki.

"Next!"

Shingo, who had just seen Motoki being removed, gasped. "Wait, so if someone doesn't get chosen, you kill them?"

Beryl narrowed her eyes at Shingo. "We can't have them knowing about our secret organization, can we?"

"I see what you're saying," said Shingo. "But-"

He made a break for it.

Kunzite sniped him anyway.

"NEXT!" they called.

"Yo, I'm Crane Machine Joe," said Crane Machine Joe.

"I remember you," said Zoisite. "You were my first rainbow crystal. Good times… good times… It was all so simple back then."

"Umm… yeah," said Crane Machine. "I think I'd be a great asset to the team because of my telekinesis abilities. And also I like being a douche to everyone."

"Hmm," the group conferred.

"You're hired," said Beryl.

"What?" asked Kunzite. "I want a second opinion."

"Yeah," said Crane Machine Joe. "I just came in here as a joke, I didn't actually want the part!"

"Do you want to get fired?" asked Beryl, punching her palm. She took out her crystal ball and charged up an eternal sleep.

"No, no!" said Game Machine.

"Good," said Beryl. "You start tomorrow, don't be late!"

"Aye aye, cap'n!"

They all went back to their rightful homes.

* * *

Queen Beryl sat on her throne, tapping her foot angrily.

"It's been 10 minutes since he was supposed to arrive!"

"I'M HERE!" cried Joe, running in in a cold sweat. "I had to travel all the way from Tokyo to the North Pole! Luckily I found that portal that was randomly in one of the Tokyo shops! That was just complete luck! Hopefully the sailors won't find that one!"

"Do you think this is a joke?" asked Beryl.

"Maybe," said Crane Machine Joe. "From what I've witnessed so far, it seems like one!"

Beryl gritted her teeth. "You're on thin ice, Crane Machine. 10 more episodes of failure and I'll have to take you out!"

"Yikes," said Crane Machine Joe.

"Kunzite!" howled Beryl.

Kunzite quickly teleported in in his underpants.

"See?" said Beryl. "Now that's a hasty arrival!"

"What do you want?" asked Kunzite.

"I want you to train the new recruit, like you do with all those Youmas and Endymion."

"Hmph," said Kunzite. "Come on Joe, let's get to work."

* * *

Kunzite took Crane Machine to the training grounds.

"Alright kid," said Kunzite. "You have a lot to learn."

"Who's that old lady anyway?" asked Crane Machine Joe. "She seems to have some attitude problems…"

"Yep," said Kunzite. "She's Queen Beryl, the ruler of the Negaverse!"

"Then who's Queen Metalia?" asked Crane Machine Joe.

"The ruler of the Negaverse," answered Kunzite.

Joe looked at him confused.

"You'll get used to it."

Kunzite tossed him a sword. "Let's do this."

* * *

After a couple smackdowns in a row, Crane Machine Joe got the hang of it, and Kunzite had to break a sweat.

"He's strong!" admitted Kunzite. "You're really a natural, unlike that Mamoru. He was already as strong as Jadeite, and it still took him really long to learn!"

"Who's Mamoru?" asked Joe.

Kunzite sighed. "I wish you were as good with your mind as you are with a sword."

"I do have telekinesis," reminded Joe. "That kind of has to do with the mind…"

"Don't sass me, rookie!" barked Kunzite. "Now go run four laps!"

Joe ran off and did his laps.

* * *

After a long workout, Crane Machine Joe headed back to his dark space that he inherited from Jed when Endymion turned it down.

Suddenly, he bumped into Zoisite.

"Hey noobie," said Zoisite. "I've been waiting for you. Remember that time I stomped you and took your crystal?"

"Yeah, what of it?" barked Joe. "I also remember that human girl beating you up!"

"Hmph," said Zoisite angrily. "You had to be defended by a girl!"

Crane Machine Joe was hit in a weak spot. He lashed out angrily. "Well, in the dub, you WERE a girl!"

He had hit Zoisite in a weak spot as well. They were both in a state of peril.

"You better stay out of my way, punk," threatened Zoisite. "Or you'll be history."

"Ha!" said Joe. "I've trained for 20 minutes and I'm already stronger than you!"

"Yeah right!" said Zoisite. "I'll have you know over the course of the past 1000 years, that I've trained for TWO HOURS!"

Crane Machine Joe hit Zoisite with an invisible telekinetic punch.

Zoisite went flying back. He stumbled up weakly. "Hmm, I don't have time to play around with little kids!"

"I'm like your age," remarked Joe.

"Mmmm," said Zoisite.

Zoisite fled.

"That was a beating," said Nephrite, who was standing at the soda machine watching.

"Do you want some too?" asked Crane Machine Joe, who was still mad about that time Jupiter defended him.

"Hey, take it easy man, I don't want any trouble."

"Yeah, that's right," sneered Crane Machine.

* * *

"Queen Beryl," yelled Crane Joe. "I found a new source of energy!"

"You hear that, Jadeite?" called Beryl to the ceiling. "He found one too, just like you did!"

"Umm…" said Crane Machine.

"Anyway," said Beryl. "Jadeite's got the new sources of energy under control. He's been working at the game for over 20 years, and he barely gets any energy. So I doubt you'll succeed."

"That's the thing," said Crane Machine Joe. "I already did. That's why I said I found a new source of energy, because I actually have the energy!"

Beryl gasped. "That kind of energy is worthless!"

"Isn't all energy the same?" asked Crane Machine Joe.

"Ha!" laughed Beryl. "You have a lot to learn!"

"Well actually," said Crane Machine Joe. "I was talking to my pal Queen Metalia. And she was telling me that all energy is in fact the same. She said you're losing your touch, B-man."

Queen Beryl was agitated. She stood up.

Crane Machine gasped.

"Do you want an eternal sleep?" threatened Beryl.

"Ye," said Crane Machine, the power going to his head.

Queen Beryl went to sit back down, but Joe used his telekinesis to move her chair back. She fell on the floor.

"NO!" she howled.

Crane Machine snickered and ran away.

* * *

"It's dark in here," thought Jadeite. "I know my room is a dark space, but it's not usually this dark."

He went to sit up, but he hit his head.

"What the heck?" thought Jadeite. "Where am I?"

He tried to stretch out his arms, but it was a tight squeeze.

"Am I in a coffin?" he thought. "What the hell?"

Jadeite teleported back to the Negaverse.

"Guys, I went to bed and I woke up and I was in coffin! Talk about a deep sleep, huh?"

But no one was around.

"What's going on?!" cried Jadeite.

He walked up to Beryl's throne, but sitting on it was Crane Machine Joe.

"Who are you?!" howled Jadeite. "And what have you done with Beryl?"

"That old hag?" laughed Crane. "She's sleeping."

"Oh, good," said Jadeite.

"ETERNALLY!" howled Joe, pointing to a nearby ice block.

"NO!" cried Jadeite.

Next to Queen Beryl's ice block was Zoisite's ice block.

Kunzite and Nephrite teleported in.

"I trained him too well!" cried Kunzite when he saw what Machine Joe had done. "We have to finish him off!"

"No," said Jadeite. "This is my battle."

"Oh hey Jed," said Nephrite. Then it hit him. "J-j-j-j-j-j-j-j—j-j-j-j-j-j-j…. JADIETE?!"

"Why did you put me in a coffin?" asked Jadeite.

"We thought you were dead!" cried Kunzite. "You were out cold, and your eyes were shut!"

"I was sleeping," said Jed. "I went to bed at like 12 o' clock at night."

"D'ah," said Kunzite. "You know Mamoru cleared out your bank account."

"Aww crap," said Jed. "I hope Zoisite didn't finish my diary. I had some very personal stuff in there. Oh no, I remember what else was in my will! Did you guys cremate me?!" Jadeite howled in horror.

"No, you were already in the coffin," said Nephrite.

"What a relief," said Jadeite. "I need to take that out of there."

"Ahem," said Crane Machine. "You were saying?"

"Oh yeah," said Jadeite. "It appears this goon was attempting to take my spot! But nothing can beat the original!"

"I can," said Joe.

"Ahahaha," laughed Jadeite. "Let's do this!"

Jadeite shot lightning with the power of a thousand suns. Crane Machine Joe leapt into the air, as did Jed. They spun around in a circle, exactly 6.5 times, and then Jadeite tackled Crane Machine Joe into the ocean in a single frame of animation.

"Hahahahahhaa," laughed Jadeite. "Easy."

But Joe was not down for the count. He transformed into his Youma form, and tapped Jed on the head with his long hammer hand.

Jed turned around, just in time to be socked by an invisible punch.

Jadeite fell into the ocean and did not emerge.

"You shall now all be my servants!" said Crane Machine Joe. "Bow before me!"

Kunzite took out Crane Machine Joe in one punch.

"Bozo. He thought he was good because he took out weaklings."

Kunzite unthawed Zoisite and Beryl, and then they all rushed over to the ocean.

A rose floated to the surface.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Beryl. "NOT JADEITE! When he died the first time, I was able to play it cool and act like I didn't care. But this is too much. I can't live without Jed!"

"Really?" asked Jadeite surfacing. "You mean that?"

Beryl panicked and put Jadeite in an eternal sleep.

"He didn't hear anything," she convinced herself. She took his frozen form into a dark room.

"Now that you're frozen and can't hear a thing," she said slowly. "I can finally come clean. Jadeite, I love you. I've always loved you."

"Really?" mumbled Jadeite through the ice.

Beryl gasped.

Beryl threw herself off a bridge.

FIN


	127. Snail Con & Kunzite's Search History

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Oh ye?" asked Beryl. "Fork it over."

"It's ur mum," taunted Jed.

"Why I oughta!" shouted Beryl.

Nephrite pranced in. "Yo," he said coolly.

"What business do you have here?" asked Beryl.

"I told you," said Jed. "I have a new source of energy!"

"Not you, dummy," scolded Beryl, bonking him on the head.

"Well ya see, m'queen," said Nephrite. "I need to take the week off."

"What do you mean?!" exclaimed Beryl. "You haven't been working this whole time! Same goes for those bums Zoisite and Kunzite!"

"I understand how you feel," said Nephrite. "But it's really important!"

"Why?"

"Because I need to make sure my gf Molly doesn't fall into the arms of that dweebazoid!"

"Melvin?" Beryl asked. "He is a real lady's man," she admitted. "I see why you're concerned. Go with god speed!"

Nephrite fled.

"Haha," said Jadeite. "Remember when Nephrite actually used to be a serious warrior?"

"I remember when you used to be good," remarked Beryl.

"As if," scoffed Jadeite.

* * *

"Oh, hoy Nephrite!" said Molly happily when Nephrite showed up at her door. "You're just in time for the snail watching club meeting!"

"Darn it," said Nephrite.

She led him inside.

"Hidy ho, Nephrite!" said Melvin.

"Can it, dweeb," said Nephrite.

Melvin got sad and had to drink a cranberry prune milkshake to feel better. "Good as new!" he said gleefully.

"So today's first order of business…"

Nephrite started snoring obnoxiously loud.

"Hey!" said Melvin. "Do you have a problem?!"

"Yes," said Nephrite. "This club is stupid, and so are you. Why are we watching snails? Why snails? Why no other creature? Hey, I have something better we can watch! TV!"

"Hey, none of that," said Molly. "Be nice!"

"Hrmmm," muttered Nephrite. He leaned up next to Melvin. "If it weren't for Molly, each of your body parts would be on a separate planet!"

"What planet would my head be on?" asked Melvin.

"The sun," replied Nephrite.

"The sun's not a planet," corrected Melvin. "An astrologist like yourself should know that."

"MOOOOOOOOOOLLY!" howled Nephrite. "Can I kill Melvin?"

"No," said Molly. "You promised not to kill anyone!"

"I don't recall that," lied Nephrite.

"Anyway, before this clown interrupted the meeting," continued Melvin, shooting a glare at Nephrite. "I was going to discuss the club field trip for the year! All clubs at Juuban High get at least one field trip, and do you know where ours will be?"

"The sun?" asked Nephrite hopefully.

"Nope! Snail Con 2016!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" howled Nephrite.

"Oh boy!" said Molly.

Melvin passed Nephrite and Molly permissions slips for their parents to sign.

"Make sure to get these back by Thursday," said Melvin.

Nephrite was baffled. "Can I have my guardian, Queen Beryl sign?" he asked.

"Nope," said Melvin. "It has to be your real parents!"

Nephrite groaned.

* * *

"Hey Kunzite!" said Zoisite, walking into Kunzite's private study.

Kunzite gasped and quickly closed off his browser.

"What was that?" demanded Zoisite.

"Nothing!" said Kunzite, working up a sweat. "So what did you want to ask me?" Kunzite said quickly, trying to change the subject.

"Can you open this jar of pickles?"

"Yes," said Kunzite. He smashed it on the table, shattering the glass. "Here you go!"

"I can always count on you, pal!" said Zoisite, turning around to leave.

He waited in the doorway.

Kunzite continued to stare at his desktop background.

Zoisite narrowed his eyes.

* * *

Thursday came, and Nephrite showed up at the snail watching club against his better judgement.

Outside the door, something hit him in the head.

"Oh no, the permission slip!"

Nephrite quickly pulled it out. "Oh no! Oh boy! Oh no!"

He spawned a pen, and started filling out the information. He stopped abruptly when he reached the parent signature section.

"Yikes!" he cried. "I have no time to bring this to my parents now!"

Out of options, Nephrite desperately forged their signatures.

He walked inside the room at the recreational center.

"You're late," warned Melvin. "That's another tardy."

"D'ah," said Nephrite. "Here's my permission slip."

Melvin adjusted his bifocals, and read the form thoroughly. He paused at the parent signatures, and leaned in closer.

Nephrite was starting to panic. He broke into a hot sweat, which quickly turned into a cold sweat.

"Your parents have strangely similar hand-writing to you…"

"Yeah, it runs in the family! Ha! Ha!"

Melvin narrowed his eyes.

"Wait a second," thought Nephrite. "Why do I even care? I don't even want to be in this club!"

Melvin decided to let Nephrite slide. "It will cost you," he whispered.

"You're a dead man," replied Nephrite.

Just then, the bus pulled up.

"Wowee, that's a moyty big bus for awnly faw people!" drawled Molly.

"That's just you club fees hard at work!" explained Melvin.

"Hold on," said Nephrite. "What do you mean, four people?"

"I feel evil!" called a voice.

Nephrite pulled out a gun and put it to his own head. "Should I do it?"

But Grandpa snatched it out of his hand before Nephrite could even spot him.

"Now now, big boy," said Grandpa. "You don't want this to get ugly, do you?"

Nephrite threw a quick jab, but Grandpa brushed it off like a gust and wind and pretended it didn't happen.

They boarded the bus.

"Why is he here?" mumbled Nephrite to Molly.

"Wayll," began Molly. "The school requires us to have a chaperone, and no one else wanted anything to do with the snail watching club!"

"I'm like 20 something!" insisted Nephrite.

"But you're a club member, so you can't be an unbiased chaperone," explained Melvin.

"What does that even mean?!"

The bus took off.

"Hey kids, ready for a sing-along?" called Melvin.

"I'll kill you!" shouted Nephrite.

"The wheels on the bus go round and round! Round and round!"

Nephrite punched him in the throat.

"Wowee, owee!" coughed Melvin.

"Wait a minute," said Grandpa. "Who's driving this bus?!"

Motoki turned around and waved. "Just lil ol' me!"

"WAAA!" screamed Grandpa. He started hyperventilating.

"Hey, what's the matter with you?" asked Nephrite.

Grandpa socked Nephrite, and kicked Molly in the jaw.

"Jadeite's driving this bus! He's going to fly it away to Hell like he did with those kids from our temple!"

"No, Grandpa!" cried Melvin. "That's not Jadeite, it's just some guy who somewhat looks like him!"

Grandpa was beyond reason at this point. He was nearly reaching his limit, and he was going to lose consciousness and permanently take his cross-eyed ape-lobster form.

"Get a hold of yourself!" yelled Nephrite.

Grandpa bucked like a donkey, and kicked Melvin with his two hind legs.

Melvin's suffering brought Granpda back to who he was.

"Haha," laughed Grandpa.

"Phew!" said Molly. "We really dawdged a bullet!"

"That's right," said Melvin. "I almost crushed my prize-winning snails! But luckily I had them in a protective case!"

Grandpa charged the snails.

"NO!" cried Melvin.

With a single punch, Grandpa shattered the case.

Melvin threw his body in the way, protecting the snails.

"Woah, take it easy back there!" said Motoki.

Grandpa threw a flying kick at Motoki, and he started swerving off the road.

"Waaaaa!" screamed Motoki. "I should have stayed at the arcade! It didn't pay that much below minimum wage!"

* * *

Zoisite crept out of bed and slinked into Kunzite's private study like a snake.

He spotted the monitor, and leapt into the chair.

He turned on the computer.

"Damn, a password! This is no good!"

He thought for a moment. "Hmm, what would Kunzite's password be? ZoisiteIsBae66."

It didn't work.

"NephriteIsALoser22."

Still nothing.

"MamoruChibaStinks45."

For a second Zoisite thought he had it, but the wrong password warning just came up delayed.

"D'ah," said Zoisite. "Wait, there's a hint!"

The hint read "My favorite person in all the Negaverse!"

"D'aww," said Zoisite. "That's so sweet!"

He put in 'Zoisite.' It didn't work.

"HUH!?"

Zoisite tried again without a capital Z, but still no success.

"It couldn't be…" he said in a hot sweat.

Desperately, he put in the English dub spelling of his name. "NO!"

Just to be sure, he tried Jadeite.

"Good," he thought when it didn't work. "That just leaves… oh no…"

Zoisite put in Queen Beryl, and finally forced himself to press the enter key.

It worked.

"NOOOOO!" howled Zoisite.

Suddenly, Kunzite's privacy violation senses started tingling. He sprung out of bed and ran towards his study in his pajamas.

"Now to check his search history!"

Zoisite scrolled down the history menu.

"10 ways to deal with depression."

"Huh?" thought Zoisite. "I'll have to look back at that one later."

"Capes R Us Online Store."

Zoisite nodded.

"Ask,com search – Who is the Moon Princess?"

"Clever!" exclaimed Zoisite.

"BleachForCheap,net."

"I knew it," Zoisite replied.

He kept scrolling down.

Suddenly he gasped.

"What is this!?"

Kunzite ran through the door, just as Zoisite clicked the pornographic link.

"NO!" cried Kunzite.

"WHAT IS THIS!?" demanded Zoisite when the page loaded.

"Uh…" said Kunzite.

"This is STRAIGHT porn!" cried Zoisite. "How could you?!"

"It's not what it looks like!" exclaimed Kunzite. "It was a pop-up, I swear!"

"No it wasn't!" shouted Zoisite. "The item right under it is a Google search for straight porn!"

"But-but I! But he! But you!"

"Also," said Zoisite. "Do want to know how I got through your password?"

"Uh oh," said Kunzite. "I left it logged in, right?"

Zoisite slowly shook his head.

"Uh oh," repeated Kunzite. He paused for a moment and then teleported away.

"Hey, GET BACK HERE!" yelled Zoisite. "Where are you going, this is our house!?"

* * *

Jadeite was awoken from his slumber by a sound he thought he would never hear.

The ring of a doorbell.

Jadeite flew across the room at top speed, and threw himself into the door.

He stumbled up and opened it.

"KUUUUUNZIIIIIITE ME BOY!" he howled.

"Hey pal," said Kunzite.

"You've finally come to visit me!" said Jadeite, crying tears of joy. "DO YOU WANT TO SEE MY BOTTLE CAP COLLECTION!?

"Well actually," said Kunzite. "I was wondering if I could crash here for a while."

"You mean like a sleepover?!" asked Jadeite with his eyes glimmering.

"Uh… sure," said Kunzite.

"OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY!" said Jadeite. "Let me get the sleeping bags!"

"Hmm," sighed Kunzite. "I'll have to hide out here until this all rolls over."

* * *

Nephrite had finally managed to restrain cross-eyed lobster grandpa, with the aid of some serious elephant tranquilizer.

"Phew," they all said as Grandpa reverted to his human form.

"He could still defeat us in this form," reminded Nephrite. "So stay on guard!"

"We're here!" called Motoki.

"OH BOY!" squeaked Melvin. He hopped out of the moving bus and landed on his face as the bus pulled up.

Nephrite hopped out on top of Melvin. "Whelp, that was the highlight of this event!"

They equipped their all-access passes and headed inside.

"Snails, everywhere!" Melvin screamed. "This is like a dream! Only Molly isn't fried shrimp!"

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Molly.

"Nothing," said Melvin. "Oh boy, look at that exhibit! It's a dream come true!"

"More like a nightmare," sneered Nephrite.

"Oh lighten up," said Mawly. "Watching snails can be fun if you keep an open mind."

"Maybe if I was high," considered Nephrite. "Nope, not even then."

"Cool kids get high off of milk," said Melvin judgmentally. "Except for me, because it gives me constipation."

"Thank you for your input," said Nephrite.

"Hey kids, it's me, Smelly the Snail!" approached some sweaty teen in a snail suit.

"They don't pay me enough to do this," thought the teen.

"OH BOY, SMELLY!" howled Melvin. "I'M YOUR BIGGEST FAN! CAN YOU SIGN MY MOLLUSK CAP?!"

"Sure…" said Smelly.

He signed "Smelly the Snale," spelled wrong.

"What gives?" demanded Melvin. "You're not the real Smelly!"

"You idiot," said Smelly. "There is no real Smelly. It's just a costume."

Melvin's whole world shattered into pieces. He started crying.

"Hey now," said Nephrite. "I don't like Melvin either, but you didn't have to crush his dreams."

"Yeah!" agreed Molly.

"Oh, watchu gonna do, tough guy?" challenged Smelly.

"Hey, you don't want any of me," warned Nephrite.

"You wanna bet?" asked Smelly, flexing his muscles.

Nephrite continued to restrain himself. "Listen bud, there's no need to fight."

Smelly threw a wild punch, clean into Nephrite's jaw.

Nephrite ripped off his civilian clothes, revealing his Shitennou uniform.

He charged up his fist with the force of the Andromeda galaxy, and let it loose on Smelly's exposed gut.

Smelly fell to the floor, but he wasn't out yet. It turned out his suit's shell was made of solid plutonium.

Smelly stood up, and spit on the ground. He then proceeded to crack his knuckles. "Where I come from, people don't mess with me and live to tell the story."

"I'm shaking," said Nephrite. "Nothing's more intimidating than a nerd in snail costume!"

Smelly popped a blood vessel. His muscles grew so thick that they tore open the costume, and he emerged out of his metaphoric shell as a superior fighter.

He let loose a flurry of powerful punches that far surpassed Nephrite's own strength.

Just when Nephrite thought he was done for, he remembered all the observations he had made during snail watching club.

"Aha!" realized Nephrite. "From the club, I learned that while snails are powerful, they're not very fast!"

Nephrite, knowing the anatomy of a snail, was able to easily evade Smelly's assault.

Then, when he reached the wall of the building, he leapt up and did a backflip over Smelly's head.

Before Smelly could even turn around, Nephrite delivered a merciless roundhouse kick to Smelly's luvgnio gland, and Smelly was no more.

"You did it!" cried Molly and Melvin, running up to Nephrite in awe.

"No," said Nephrite. "We did it."

"Horray!" they all cheered.

"HEY!" howled a Snail Con employee. "You killed snail idol Smelly! Unless someone is willing to take his spot, we're going to have to arrest you!"

"Uh oh," they all said. "Grandpa, tag in!"

But Grandpa was too busy flirting with some spry young snails.

"D'ah," said Nephrite.

"Wait!" said Motoki. "I'll do it! I love helping people!"

"Alright, have fun!" said Nephrite.

"Wait no, you supposed to stop me!" objected Motoki.

They put a snail costume on Motoki. "Aww shucks, that's what I get for stickin' my big ol' nose in everything!"

The fight with Smelly had actually lasted quite a while, and their appetites had built up. Melvin, Molly, and Nephy headed over to the cafeteria to eat the lunches Melvin had packed.

"Here's some cookies!" Melvin offered.

"Gee, thanks," said Nephrite. "You're not that bad of a guy after all." He threw the whole tray of cookies in his mouth and ate them in one chomp.

"Say, what's in these cookies anyway?" Nephrite asked.

"Shrimp!" said Melvin.

"Uh oh," said Nephrite.

His face puffed up and he started to die. "I'm… I'm allergic to shrimp!" he cried. "Who the Hell puts shrimp in cookies!?"

"I didn't know it would be a problem!" cried Melvin. "You put that you had no allergies on the permission slip, and your parents signed off on it!"

"HMMRrRMrmrrm," mumbled Nephrite, suffocating to death.

He died.

"Oh no!" cried Molly.

"It's okay," said Melvin. "I can tell you how that bridge was made!"

Molly started to sob.

"D'ah," said Melvin. "At least my snails got to have a good time!"

* * *

It had been a week since Kunzite had been living at Jed's place.

"Every day with you here is a like a dream," said Jadeite.

"More like a nightmare," sneered Kunzite. "I think I'm gonna go back home soon, Zoisite has probably calmed down."

Suddenly Kunzite's phone rang. "Hello?" he answered.

"Kunzite, this is bad," said Beryl. "Zoisite's gone bonkers for some reason, and I think he's after you. He's been lighting everything on fire. I asked Zoisite what was wrong, and he threw a crystal at me. I tried to dispose of him for his disrespect, but he was so mad my eternal sleep had no effect. This is starting to get out of hand. We have squads of Youmas trying to take him down, but he's still fighting!"

"Uh oh," said Kunzite.

"If I were you I'd get far away," warned Beryl.

Suddenly Jed's doorbell rang.

"OH BOY ANOTHER GUEST!" cried Jadeite. "TWO IN ONE WEEK, A NEW RECORD! I'M SO HAPPY I COULD DIE!"

"Jadeite, no!" exclaimed Kunzite.

Jadeite answered the door.

He was burnt to a crisp.

"KUUUUNZIIIIITE!" howled Zoisite.

"I can explain," said Kunzite.

"Ok," said Zoisite, giving him a chance.

"Well you see," said Kunzite. "Things are ever-changing, and-"

He leapt out Jed's window.

FIN


	128. Kunzite Hates Slice of Life Filler

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Good," said Beryl.

* * *

Jadeite sat down at the lunch table. "So guys," said Jed. "I got these four tickets to the water park!"

"Say no more," said Nephrite.

* * *

Zoisite was in a one piece. Jed was sporting bright red swim trunks. Maxfield Stanton was self-conscious, so he kept his shirt on. Kunzite wore a mankini.

"This is probably the one good thing Jadeite's ever done," said Zoisite.

"Gee thanks!" said Jed. "Wowee, look at that! A poster for couples' water battles! The winner get a free dinner, and melon bread!"

"WE HAVE TO ENTER!" howled Nephrite.

"Oh boy, oh boy!" said Jed. "Looks like Nephrite is going to have to carry me into battle!"

"As if," said Nephrite. He teleported Molly in.

"Hoy!" she said.

"Curses!" howled Jed. "Fine, then I'll have to teleport in a partner as well!"

Jadeite teleported in Grandpa. "Shit!" he cried. "I was trying for Rei! Teleport back, teleport back!"

"No," said Grandpa. "I came to win it!"

"This is fine and all, but we're going to get back to our Negaverse duties tomorrow, right?" asked Kunzite.

"Yeah, yeah, sure!" said Jed. "Last one in the pool is a rotten Beryl!"

They jumped into the pool.

Molly hopped on Nephrite's shoulders, and Zoisite hopped on Kunzite's shoulders.

"Whelp, I'm hopping on," said Jed, making sure he would not startle Grandpa.

"No, wait," said Grandpa. "I don't think I can take all your weight!"

Jadeite hopped on. He used Grandpa's enormous bulbous head to steady himself.

"I'm too short," said Grandpa. "I'm going under."

"Weeeeee!" said Jed.

Grandpa was drowning. He used all his strength to try to crawl out of the water with Jed on his back. But suddenly his back gave out halfway through, and he drowned.

"Grandpa?" asked Jadeite. "GRANDPA?!"

"Let the contest begin!" howled the announcer.

"WAIIIIT!" cried Jed. "My partner died!"

"Haha," said Zoisite. "Faster, Kunzite! We have to grab all the headbands!"

"Maybe we should grab some rainbow crystals?" asked Kunzite.

"Maybe someday. When I'm up for it. I'm too distracted right now!"

Nephrite charged as fast as he could at Kunzite and Zoisite.

"Slow down!" cried Molly. "I can't withstand this velocity!"

Nephrite didn't care. He was set on winning.

"Quick, grab their headband!" he shouted.

But Molly had died from the turbulence.

Nephrite collided with Kunzite, and Zoisite went flying out of the park.

Mamoru charged over with Motoki on his shoulders, and snatched both of their headbands. "Haha, there's no readmission at this park!"

* * *

"He was a good man," said Nephrite with his head down.

"Yep, RIPeroo," said Zoisite.

"We've been going to a lot of funerals this week," noted Kunzite. "Hey, wait a second, we don't have time for this! We have to take over the world!"

"How rude!" exclaimed Jadeite in tears. "Grandpa was my best friend. I loved him like a son."

"Grandpa was my grandpa," sobbed Rei.

"There, there," said Chad. "I'll be your grandpa!"

"Get off me," said Rei.

Kunzite checked his watch. "Damn, when will this end?! We need some action this episode!"

Suddenly, Beryl's image appeared. "All of you, report to me at once! I have an important task!"

"All of us?" asked Rei.

"No," said Beryl. "Scram, ya brat!"

"D'ah," said Rei. "Even at my Grandpa's funeral."

"Finally!" exclaimed Kunzite. "Some action! I hope Beryl has an exciting mission for us!"

* * *

"So where is the fight? Who we gonna scrap?!" asked Kunzite, hopping around and doing practice punches.

"There is none," said Zoisite, pushing a shopping cart. "Beryl needed a new flat screen TV because she didn't wear the safety strap on her Wii remote and it went flying into the screen."

"NOOO!" screamed Kunzite. "I can't take it anymore! Please tell me someone here is a hidden bad guy!"

"Aren't we the bad guys?" asked Jed.

"Not from our perspective," answered Kunzite. "Now come on, anyone, FIGHT ME!"

"Umm, sir," said a cashier. "No screaming in the store."

"Is that a challenge?" asked Kunzite.

"No," said the cashier.

"IT MUST BE A SAILOR SCOUT IN DISGUISE!"

Kunzite threw a wild punch. The cashier was dead before the punch even landed.

"D'ah, this is ridiculous!" shouted Kunzite. "I want drama! I want action! THIS IS JUST SLICE-OF-LIFE FILLER, THE WORST KIND! Even worse than non-canon filler, like the second Nehelenia arc! Or Alan and An!"

"Hey, I liked Alan and An," said Jadeite. "That was the last we got to see of Melvin!"

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!?" cried Zoisite.

"Yeah, we weren't there for that," agreed Nephrite.

Kunzite sighed. "You all just wouldn't understand."

* * *

"I'm so glad you went with me to the Summer Festival!" exclaimed Zoisite.

"Yeah yeah," groaned Kunzite. "I'm just hoping something exciting will happen. We have to run into the Sailors eventually… It's so odd. I used to hate it when we ran into Sailors by coincidence, but now I miss it so much! I just want someone to tussle with me!"

"I'll tussle with you in bed," said Zoisite.

"Hey, none of that," said Kunzite.

Zoisite was in a yukata.

"Oh boy!" said Jed. "Let's go win a fish from that thing where you catch the fishies on the net!"

"Good idea," said Nephrite.

"Now let's think about this," said Kunzite. "Fish can live quite a long time, and-"

But they were already gone.

"Looks like it's just you and me, Zoisite."

"Quick, duck!" cried Zoisite.

"Huh? Is it an enemy?! Let me at em', LET ME AT EM'!"

"No, it's Sailor Venus!"

"OH BOY OH BOY!" exclaimed Kunzite.

"No, you don't understand!" said Zoisite. "If she saw us here together she'd get the wrong idea! She'd think that we're dating!"

"Huh?" said Kunzite. "We are dating!"

"No, no, she can't know! This is slice-of-life filler, there needs to be a love triangle!"

Suddenly, Zoisite spotted Beryl on the port bow. "NO!" Zoisite cried. "She'll get the wrong idea too! The dreaded love-square!"

"But she came just to hang out with me!" said Kunzite. "What do I do?!"

"We gotta get out of here!" cried Zoisite.

They ducked in the crowd and tried to scamper away.

"Hey, watch it!" yelled someone. Then the person got a better look at them.

"Ami!" cried Zoisite in shock. "NO!"

"Zoisite, what are you doing here?! And with Kunzite! You said you were too busy to hang out with me!"

"NO NO NO NON O!" exclaimed Zoisite. "The love pentagon is falling apart!"

"WHAT IS THIS!?" howled Kunzite. "This doesn't make any sense! Whatever genre this is, I don't like it!"

Kunzite was mad. Kunzite was furious.

He threw a wild punch into the crowd and killed half a dozen people. Then he stormed off, leaving Zoisite in a mess of slice-of-life explaining to do.

* * *

"This is the last straw! I will stand for no more slice-of-life filler!" proclaimed Kunzite. "It's all action from now on! If the fight won't come to me, then I'll just come to the fight!"

Jadeite was at the Nega-soda machine outside of Kunzite's castle, trying to get his dollar back.

Kunzite was peaking from behind the corner.

"I hit B5, not B6! I wanted the DIET Pepsi!" Jadeite howled. He threw punches at the machine but they had no effect. He started shaking it.

"Need a hand?" asked Kunzite.

"Aww yea!" said Jadeite.

"I'll give a hand. Or more precisely, a FIST!"

Kunzite threw his fist at Jadeite, and Jadeite was blown to bits.

"NO!" cried Kunzite. "This won't do, I wanted an actual fight! But there are no opponents that are strong enough to face me!"

Kunzite paced around angrily for a moment. "I know. If they're not good enough to fight me, then I must go down to their level. I'll handicap myself to the point where it's a close match!"

Nephrite got a knock on his Earth door.

"Who is it?" he asked. "Wait, let me guess."

He was in for a shock when it was Kunzite himself instead of Zoisite.

"Oh, hey buddy!" Nephrite said faking happiness. "Wait, why are your hands tied behind your back? And why is there tape over your mouth?"

"Mrmrmm," mumbled Kunzite.

"What was that?" asked Nephrite.

Kunzite charged, and started throwing kicks.

Nephrite was holding his own for a couple seconds, but Kunzite overwhelmed him with his happy feet.

He left a footprint on Nephrite's face, and then he left a footprint on Nephrite's heart, and he died.

"Drat!" said Kunzite, taking the tape off his mouth. "He dropped like a stone. And he was the second strongest in the Negaverse!"

Kunzite went home.

"Hey Kunzite!" said Zoisite. "Are you feeling better after that little incident at the festival?"

"Oooooh," said Kunzite suddenly, an idea dawning on him.

Kunzite took out some rope and leapt on a nearby chair.

He tightly tied himself to the chair, restraining all movement. Then he put a blindfold over his eyes.

"Zoisite, fight me!" he howled.

"What?" said Zoisite. "No! Stop!"

Kunzite inched forward on the chair, following the sound of Zoisite's voice.

Zoisite was running away, but Kunzite was too fast.

Zoisite leapt on the stove, hoping to allude him, but he smelled Zoisite's perfume and threw a wild headbutt his way.

Zoisite flew back into the wall and fell to the ground. "Ouch!" he cried. "Cut that out!"

Kunzite tried to hop on top of Zoisite with the chair legs, but Zoisite was able to dodge, barely.

"Seriously, knock it off! This isn't funny!"

Kunzite threw another headbutt.

"Stooop!" cried Zoisite. "I'm gonna die!"

Zoisite finally realized he had to fight back if he was going to make it out alive.

"I didn't want to have to do this, but…!"

He shot a flurry of petals at Kunzite, but it only slowed him down.

Kunzite threw one last headbutt, and waited for a minute.

"Zoisite?" he asked, after he heard no movements. "Are you playing dead to try and escape our duel?"

After several more minutes, Kunzite slowly removed his blindfold. All that remained of Zoisite was a dead body.

"D'AH!" exclaimed Kunzite. "I was sure we would be evenly match with that kind of handicap. It's really a shame."

* * *

Kunzite covered himself with gasoline, and then lined up Jadeite, Beryl, and Evil Mamoru.

"Alright guys, when I light this match, you're all gonna come at me with everything you got!"

"Wait, what are you going to do with the match?" asked Jadeite.

Kunzite lit himself on fire. "OUUUUCH!" he cried.

He threw a wild punch, taking out Jadeite.

Beryl ran for the hills.

Evil Mamoru tried to stay and fight. "He's on fire, I'm sure I can take him out!"

They flew up into the air, as Kunzite continued to burn. With one swift backhand, Mamoru was on the floor and out of commission.

Beryl kept running. Kunzite teleported in front of Beryl, and kicked her in the stomach. She was down for the count.

"IS THAT ALL YOU GOT!?" howled Kunzite. "UGH!"

* * *

"Ok, Zoisite, here you go."

Kunzite passed Zoisite the launch button for the nuclear missile strapped to his back.

"No!" cried Zoisite. "I don't want you to go out like this!"

"DON'T UNDERESTIMATE ME!"

Kunzite charged.

Zoisite went to hit the button, but before he could press it Kunzite kicked his head right off.

Zoisite's headless body fell to the ground.

"WHEN WILL A WORTHY OPPONENT DUEL ME?!" Kunzite shouted to the heavens.

The stars heard his call, and passed it on to Nephrite.

"Alright," said Nephrite. "I'm ready for a rematch. But I choose the terrain!"

* * *

Kunzite stepped on the surface of the sun.

"HEY!" he called to Nephrite. "Why don't you have to fight on a star?"

"Umm… home court advantage," explained Nephrite. "Alright, now, when I say go, we're both going to shoot projectiles at each other, and the last one standing wins!"

"Alright," said Kunzite confidently. "Finally, I may have met my match!"

Kunzite threw a blast, but Nephrite swiftly talked to the stars.

"Everything is ruled by the stars! Star that Kunzite is standing on, explode and turn into a black hole!"

"NO!" cried Kunzite.

The star exploded, and Kunzite was pulled into the black hole.

"I WIN!" howled Nephrite. "And just when Kunzite thought he wouldn't find someone his level!"

Just then there was a rumbling sound.

Kunzite strolled out of the black hole. "Is that all you got?"

"But- but I!" cried Nephrite. "What is this, Australian rules?!"

Kunzite didn't even touch Nephrite to finish him off. Nephrite instantly evaporated before him as a result of his overwhelming power.

Kunzite sighed and flew back to Earth, desperate for an opponent.

* * *

"Now, what do you want me to do?" asked Motoki.

"Alright," said Kunzite. "I'm going to cut off my arms, which are the source of my power. Then I'm going to stab myself in the heart. I'll die in approximately ten seconds, so you just have to land a single hit!"

"I gotcha!" said Motoki.

"Alright, ready?" said Kunzite.

Motoki nodded.

Kunzite cut off his arms and Motoki passed out at the sight of blood.

"NO!" shouted Kunzite. Kunzite died from blood loss.

When he respawned he groaned.

Beryl was lying one of Metalia's hospital beds next to him.

"You gotta… you gotta stop this, Kunzite," she sputtered. "We can't take anymore!"

Kunzite turned to see the rest of the Negaverse and Motoki there as well.

"There may be one way to give me a good fight," thought Kunzite. He whispered the plan to Metalia.

"Are you sure?" asked Metalia. "If I fuse with someone like Nephrite, I'll be twice as strong."

"No no," said Kunzite. "That'd be too strong. Fuse with Beryl."

"K," said Metalia.

"Wait what?" said Beryl. "Don't I get a say in this-AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Metalia turned Beryl into Super Beryl. The ceiling was too low so they stepped outside.

"Ok, give it your all!" shouted Kunzite

Super Beryl shot her special beam cannon.

Kunzite pulled out the Moon Wand and reflected it with ease, exterminating Super Beryl.

The blast flew back, and Jadeite was caught in the crossfire.

"EVERYTIME….!" He sobbed.

"He was a good man," sighed Nephrite.

"Riper-" began Zoisite.

But suddenly, the beam was reflected at an odd 45 degree angle. Zoisite and Nephrite were in the crossfire, and they were no more.

"I was a good man," said Nephrite as he died.

"Riperoo," said Zoisite.

"Yikes, I better get outta here!" said Mamoru fleeing.

"Hey, take me with you!" called Motoki.

Motoki hopped on Mamoru's shoulders, but a polar bear took him back.

"NO!" said Motoki. The polar bear dispatched of Motoki.

Mamoru escaped with his life. "I regret nothing!"

Kunzite went back to Metalia's hospital, furious.

"I'm at the end of my wits here! When Metalia brings you guys back, I'm going to have you all merge!"

Kunzite waited for a few days.

"Wait a minute, I killed Metalia. Uh oh."

Kunzite, realizing that he was on his own now, jumped off a bridge.

He hit the water, but it was no match. He sat at the bottom of the river and sighed.

Finally he settled for going to the Gates of Hell and marching in on his own free will.

"Hey Kunzite!" said Zoisite.

"Hey bud!" said Jed. "Glad you could make it! You're just in time for Yahtzee!"

"Gosh darn it," said Nephrite. "Why did you kill us, you pest!? And Metalia!"

"Honestly, I'm better off," said Metalia. "At least now I can be a person!"

"Woowee!" said Jed. "You're a hotty!"

Metalia tried to kill Jed, but he was already dead.

"What am I doing in here?" asked Motoki.

"Huh?" said Beryl.

"I've only ever done good deeds!" Motoki sobbed. "This must be some kind of mistake!"

"Nope," said Satan. "It's called predestination. It's decided whether you're going to Hell or Heaven before you're even born!"

"Well that's shitty!" complained Motoki. "I donated $5,000 to charity!"

"Haha," said Satan.

"Now hold up," interrupted Kunzite. "I believe in everyone's power to choose their own destiny!"

"Oh, looks like we have a wise guy!" challenged Satan. "You wanna go, bigboy?"

Kunzite's eyes glimmered, and his heart beat 10,000 times a minute. "This is it! Finally! The duel I've been longing for ever since I learned what slice-of-life filler was!"

Kunzite put on his boxing mitts.

"Round one, and fight!" called Motoki, accepting his role in Hell.

"Hey guys," said Grandpa. "Remember how Jadeite killed me earlier?"

"Heh he," laughed Jed. "You were destined to end up here pretty soon anyway. I mean, you're like 800 years old…!"

Grandpa gasped. "I don't look a day over 700!"

Grandpa was mad. Grandpa was furious.

He charged Jadeite with all he had.

"Yikes!" said Jed. He leapt out of the way, and Nephrite received the blunt of the attack.

"Watch where you're going, old man!" shouted Nephrite in blind fury.

Motoki got mad and charged Grandpa. "I hate old coots!"

Zoisite saw Motoki as an easy target and went in for the kill. But he underestimated Motoki's anger, and Motoki reflected the attack, sending Zoisite flying into the middle of Satan and Kunzite's scrap.

Satan accidentally hit Zoisite with his hardest blow, and he used up all his strength that he could have used to fight Kunzite.

"NO!" said Kunzite. "Now the fight's in my favor again!"

Kunzite jumped in lava. "Alright, round 2 boyo!"

Satan jumped in the lava pit, but because he was Satan the lava had no effect on him. Thus, the score was once again evened out.

While this was going on, Grandpa dropped dead again.

"DAMN!" cried Jadeite. He began to sob. His tears flowed into the lava pit, drying up all the lava.

"NO!" said Kunzite. "JUST ONE GOOD FIGHT! THAT's ALL I WANTED!"

Suddenly Super Satan stepped in. "I'm here to pick up some geezer?"

Kunzite charged with all he had. Satan followed suit, joining in on the attack.

However, Super Satan was too strong. It came down to the final seconds of the match, and Kunzite died by just one hit.

"Dreams really do come true," said Kunzite as he dropped into Super Hell.

Satan died as well.

* * *

Kunzite awoke in Super Hell. "I'm a victorious man," he said happily.

"Hmph," said Super Satan. "Do you know why we call this place Super Hell?"

"Because it's for those who die in Hell?" Kunzite asked.

"No, it's because it's even worse than regular Hell!"

"Uh oh," said Kunzite. "It can't be that bad…"

"It's 100% slice-of-life filler!" Super Satan cackled evilly.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" howled Kunzite.

"No one deserves this!" cried Satan.

FIN


	129. Zoisite Blows Up The Negaverse

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"?Que?" replied Queen Beryl.

"B-b-b-b-b-Beryl?" asked Jadeite.

"!Si!" replied Beryl.

"Beryl, why are you speaking Spanish? You're spookin' me!" exclaimed Jadeite.

"Tu eres estupido," Beryl replied.

"Hold on," said Jed. "Let me consult my Spanish dictionary."

He searched for the word for 20 minutes, then finally found it. "Alright, let's see. E-stupid-o. It means… HEY!"

"Haha," said Beryl. "Dumbass."

"Wowee, I'm just glad you're okay," said Jadeite. "Sometimes when people get possessed they suddenly know other languages!"

"I don't think so," said Beryl.

Just then, the castle doors burst open, and Grandpa trotted in like a horse.

"Ego malo! Ego enim sum senex magno animo. Et locusta, aliquando conversus in a!" hollered Grandpa.

"Oh no!" cried Jed. "I think he's possessed!"

Grandpa climbed up the wall and onto the ceiling. His head did a 360 and then a reverse 360.

Beryl flew up to the ceiling, and swatted him like a fly.

"Alright, alright!" said Grandpa. "You got me! But next time I'll bring my A game!"

Grandpa left.

"See, Jadeite?" said Beryl. "He's not possessed, he's just senile!"

"Ahh, I see!" said Jadeite. "So that's what was wrong with you, right?"

Queen Beryl put Jadeite to sleep.

"Good night," said Jed. "Thanks for tucking me in."

"No problem," said Beryl. "Be sure to drink your warm milk."

Beryl left Jadeite's room and headed down the hall.

While wondering through the dimly lit corridors, she bumped into Zoisite.

"Oh hey Zoisite," said Beryl.

Zoisite took a defensive stance.

"Zoisite, be sure to turn off the boiler downstairs," she said as she walked by.

"But why do I have to!?" whined Zoisite. "Just because I was at the wrong place at the wrong time?"

"Jadeite is out on the field failing to get energy. Did you really thing you would just do nothing during this period?"

"Kinda," said Zoisite. "I considered it like a paid vacation, but without pay."

"Ridiculous!" howled Beryl. "You have to do some work if you want to keep living in my Negaverse!"

"Well actually," said Zoisite. "Queen Metalia is the Negaverse."

"No," said Beryl. "She's the Negaforce!"

"Huh?" asked Zoisite.

"GET BACK TO WORK!" barked Beryl.

She continued the long trek back to her throne.

She passed Nephrite, who was at the soda machine.

"Damn," said Nephrite. "I sure hang out here a lot!"

"Nephrite," said Beryl.

Nephrite jumped back in shock. "Beryl, you can walk?!"

"Can it," said Beryl. "You're lucky you don't live in my Negaverse."

"Why would I want to?" asked Nephrite.

"Good question," agreed Beryl. "Only a complete bozo would live here."

* * *

"Zoisite, what are you doing?" asked Kunzite.

"No!" cried Zoisite. "You walked in front of my fruit bowl and caused me to miscolor my orange!"

"You're painting a fruit bowl?" Kunzite asked.

"Yes, but now I'm not because it's ruined. It was good while it lasted though."

Zoisite admired his painting. "Mmmmm."

"Yes, well, maybe you should go turn off that boiler like Beryl told you to. Since you're not really doing anything."

"Don't be so dense," said Zoisite. "I'll get around to it. Eventually… Hey, did you check the mail today?"

"No," said Kunzite. "We don't get much mail here in the Negaverse. We used to have a mailman Youma but Jadeite got him killed, along with the rest of the Youmas."

"Wow he's incompetent," said Zoisite. "If I had his job I'd do everything right!"

"Yeah," agreed Kunzite. "I hope by the time it's your turn we're still collecting energy."

"If Nephrite's next we probably will be," said Zoisite. "Anyway, I'm gonna go check to see if my mini drone came in the mail today."

"K," said Kunzite.

* * *

Zoisite stepped outside.

"This would be a nice place to live if Beryl's property tax wasn't so high. Yeah, and she also makes me do chores! Like turning off that one thing in that place! That I'll get around to eventually!"

"Hey, good coincidence!" called a voice.

Zoisite spun around.

"Hey there," said Motoki. He jogged over in a sweat.

"What the Hell?" asked Zoisite.

"Man, it sure is hot today," said Motoki, wiping the sweat off his forehead.

"How did you get in the Negaverse?" demanded Zoisite. "Again!? What do you want?!"

"I can't remember," said Motoki. "But while I'm here, I've got your package!"

"Oh boy thanks! Want to come fly this drone with me?"

"Nah, I've got to finish my route," said Motoki. "Catch ya on the flip side!"

He hopped off the castle platform and into the abyss.

"Strange guy," said Zoisite.

He summoned a crystal to open the box and then unpackaged the drone.

"KUNZITE! GET OUT HERE!" he called.

"Oh hey Zoisite, did you finish with that boiler?"

"Can it," said Zoisite. "You ready to see the most amazing thing ever?"

"Is it the Silver Imperium Crystal?" asked Kunzite, his face glowing. "Or the Moon Princess?!"

"Even better!" said Zoisite.

"NO!" cried Kunzite.

"It's a drone, that I can fly with this remote! It's so futuristic!"

"Can't we just levitate things with our powers?" Kunzite asked.

"Only a stronger one can do such things," said Zoisite. "Now watch!"

Zoisite flew the drone up in the air. Then he flew it a couple feet ahead.

"Not too shabby," said Kunzite, nodding.

However, it came with nearly dead cheapo batteries, and they died instantly.

The drone fell into the void.

"NO!" cried Zoisite. He dived in after it, but Kunzite grabbed his foot.

"Hey, stop that!" exclaimed Kunzite. "You don't know what lies down there!"

"The mailman," stated Zoisite.

He sighed. "So now that that's gone, what should I do?"

Kunzite opened his mouth "Bo-"

"Bouncy castle?!" hollered Zoisite. "Let's buy one!"

"Where would we put it?" Kunzite asked.

Zoisite gasped as an idea dawned on him. "At the bottom of the void! We could jump off the cliff and land on it!"

"I don't think there is a bottom to the void," said Kunzite.

Zoisite pouted. "Why don't you just make a new platform?"

"I can't do that," said Kunzite.

"That's odd," said Zoisite. "Because Nephrite built a mountain."

"Of course I can build a platform!" cried Kunzite. "I'll make one ten times bigger than Nephrite's mountain!"

Kunzite spawned a huge platform, even bigger than the original.

"Wowee!" said Zoisite. "That's pretty big for a bounce house!"

"Umm… yea," said Kunzite, exhausted. "I gotta go take a nap. Don't forget that boiler."

"Yea, yea," said Zoisite ignoring him.

Zoisite flew over to the new platform and put a bouncy castle down.

"Mmm…" he said.

But all around the bouncy castle was empty space.

"This will never do," he decided.

He went to the Nega-computer lab and pulled out Kunzite's credit card.

He went on Ebay and searched up "amusement park."

"Aha!" he said. "An actual sized Ferris wheel for only $50,000! eZ!"

Next he searched up "roller coaster."

* * *

Zoisite paced around outside. "I paid double for overnight delivery, when's it gonna get here?!"

Just then, he spotted a figure in the distance.

"Oh boy oh boy oh boy!" said Zoisite, hopping up and down giddily.

As the figure approached, Zoisite could see it was the mailman, Motoki, wrapped in chains and hauling the roller coaster on his back.

"Here's….. you're…. package!" he panted.

"Thanks!" said Zoisite.

"Sign here," coughed Motoki.

Zoisite signed Kunzite's name.

"Alright, now for my Ferris wheel!" said Zoisite. "And the rest of the amusement park!"

"They're…. in my van…." sputtered Motoki.

"How far away did you park?"

"Well," said Motoki. "I didn't have the change to pay the meter, so I had to park outside. I'll be back in a jiff."

* * *

20 days later, Motoki hauled the last piece of the amusement park in.

"Where do you want the ring toss?" he asked.

"I bought a ring toss?" asked Zoisite. "But there's no room left in the 500 acre land! Just throw it out!"

"I can't," said Motoki.

"Fine," said Zoisite. "Just try to squeeze it between the hotdog stand and the frog toss game."

Motoki got it in.

"Good job," said Zoisite.

Motoki stuck his hand out for a tip.

Zoisite didn't move and Motoki waited patiently.

Five minutes later, Zoisite realized what the gesture meant. "Oh," said Zoisite. "You want a tip. Let me see what I can muster up…"

He took out Kunzite's wallet. He reached inside and scavenged for change. He pulled out a couple nickels and a quarter.

"Here you go," said Zoisite. "All yours, keep the change!"

Motoki laid down and died.

"Cool!" said Zoisite. "Now I have someone to work the dunk tank!"

Zoisite flew back into the distance to admire his work.

"Mmmmmmm," he said. "Now what should I name my new amusement park? Negaland?"

* * *

Jadeite got home from another failed energy mission and pulled out a can of lemonade.

"Mmm, canned lemonade," he said, drinking away his problems. But for once, the lemonade was not enough.

"D'ah," he said. "I still feel kind of lousy. If only there was something to raise my spirits."

"Knock knock," said someone outside.

"Uh oh," said Jadeite. "Not the tax collectors!"

He put on his hat and packed his suitcase, ready to leave, when Zoisite opened the door.

"Oh, it's just you, Zoisite," said Jed. "Are you here to get my taxes?"

"No," said Zoisite. "I'm here to invite you to my new amusement park, Mamoru Chiba Should Drop Dead Land!"

"AN AMUSEMENT PARK!?" howled Jadeite. "OMG! BUT HOW DID YOU AFFORD THAT?!"

"It was easy, once I used Kunzite's credit card. Let's just say we're 9999999999 negabucks in debt."

"Wowee!" said Jadeite. "That's almost as in debt as I get from each of my schemes! Like that boat one!"

"Are you coming or what?"

"Yeah yeah yeah!" exclaimed Jadeite.

"Hop on the trolley," said Zoisite.

Jed leapt on.

"Hey," said Grandpa who was also sitting on there.

Jadeite scooted away from him, but Grandpa only slid closer.

Finally the flying trolley landed at the amusement park.

"So this is what an amusement park looks like?" shouted Jadeite. "I've never been to one!"

"Are you sure?" asked Zoisite. "Didn't you have a failed energy scheme at one before?"

"Don't be ridiculous," lied Jed. "This is a dream come true!"

He sped into the park, leaving Grandpa and his advances in the dust.

"Hey, you! Scrawny kid! Don't you wanna come over here and test your strength?"

"How dare you!" exclaimed Jadeite. "I'm the strongest person in the Negaverse, I'll show you!"

He walked over to the Test-Your-Strength to see Zoisite with a mustache and a barker hat.

"I know you from somewhere," vowed Jed.

"It's easy," said Zoisite, ignoring him. He lightly tapped the hammer down and the meter flew up to the top. "See? Piece of cake!"

He tossed Jed the hammer.

"If you get it even half that high, you win this huge stuffed banana!"

"OH BOY OH BOY!" said Jed. "I've always wanted a huge stuffed banana!"

He swung down the hammer with all his force. But the meter only went up to Jadeite/Zoisite level strength.

"What gives?!" cried Jadeite. "I hit that hard enough to get it up to Nephrite level, or even Kunzite level! Or even 50% Metalia level!"

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves," said Zoisite. "You're probably just a weakling."

"But you're a weakling too!" exclaimed Jed.

"Me? I've never met you before!"

"Oh, right," remembered Jadeite. He paid the ten bucks for another try.

That time he did worse and landed on Mamoru level. "NO!" he cried.

"Aww, looks like you're out of luck."

Jadeite's ego was crushed.

"If you want to win something so badly, you should try out the balloon dart game," suggested Zoisite.

"Good idea!" said Jed.

He walked over, and Zoisite popped out from behind the counter in cowboy garb.

"Howdy partner, you want try yer hand at balloon darts?"

"Weren't you just over there?" Jadeite asked.

"Don't be ridiculous," said Zoisite. "Now here's the game. You get five darts for 20 dollars each, and you just have to hit a single balloon to win this giant Tuxedo Mask plush."

"Hmm," said Jadeite. "I don't want the plush but I want the redemption."

He forked over a hundred bucks.

"This place will pay for itself in no time," laughed Zoisite to himself.

Jadeite tossed the first dart with all his strength. But halfway through the air, it suddenly dropped to the floor.

"HUH!?" cried Jadeite.

Zoisite looked down at the huge magnet he was standing on. "Hmm," he said to Jadeite. "That's strange, you must have goofed. Try again!"

"I will!" said Jed.

All his darts flew to the floor.

"Hmm, that's too bad," said Zoisite. "Want another five?"

"No, that's too expensive!" Jadeite exclaimed. "What kind of rip-off is this place?!"

"Alright, alright. How about just for you I offer a special deal? 3 darts for 30 dollars each!"

"Wowee!" said Jadeite. "That saves me ten dollars! Wait a second!"

Zoisite took the money out of his hands, and tossed him three darts. "You can do it, slugger."

Jadeite threw the first one and the same thing happened. "Alright," said Jed. "I'm not doing this anymore."

"You already paid for the other two darts," said Zoisite.

"You can keep your darts and you can keep your balloons!"

Jed stormed off without throwing the last two darts he paid for.

Jadeite was determined to win one game.

He wondered around for a while looking for the perfect one.

"You know, there's not a lot of people in this amusement park," he pondered.

"Hey there!" called Zoisite in a clown costume. "Want to have a go at firing this water gun at this clown head here? All you have to do is keep firing at the target until the ball gets to the top, and you win!"

"That sounds easy enough," said Jed. "But wait, doesn't there need to be someone to compete against?"

"Hold that thought," said Zoisite, ducking below the counter.

"Hey there," said Zoisite coming up from behind Jadeite in a propeller cap. He had a lollipop in his hand. "I'll be your opponent."

"Oh boy," said Jed. "Just when I thought there were only two people at this park!"

The game began, and Jadeite fired his water gun. It only fired about three inches, and it didn't go any further.

Meanwhile, Zoisite's gun shot directly on the target.

"Hey!" called Jed. "My gun doesn't work! Where's that worker, I want my money back!"

Zoisite ducked under the counter while his gun continued to fire directly at the target. "Sorry," he said. "No refunds. Just keep trying, or that kid will win!"

Jadeite turned and Zoisite was sitting next to him again. He was still wearing the clown costume, and quickly switched out.

"Na na na boo boo!" said Zoisite as he won.

Zoisite handed himself a giant stuffed Tuxedo Mask.

"Wowee, thanks!" said Zoisite, who was now in both the clown suit and propeller hat.

Propeller hat Zoisite stuck his tongue out at Jadeite and hugged the stuffed animal.

He then ran off, and when he got out of Jed's viewing distance, the clown popped up from behind the counter again.

"Aww, that's too bad," said Zoisite. "Wanna try again?"

"Hmm, ok!" said Jadeite. He forked over another $200. "But I'm going to use this gun!" he said, pointing to the functioning gun.

"Uh oh," said Zoisite.

Jadeite smirked, and knew he had bested Zoisite this round.

"Hold on one second," said Zoisite.

Jadeite turned around, and behind him was Zoisite in a little girl's wig.

"Hi there! Can I play?"

"Sure cutie," said Jadeite.

"Hey, none of that," said Zoisite. "I'm 12 years old."

"I'm sorry," said Jed.

Zoisite hopped on the seat. "Uh oh! My daddy didn't give me enough money for this game, but I really wanted to play! Can I have 150 dollars?"

"Sure," said Jed tossing over the money.

"Thanks kind young sir! Now let's play!"

Zoisite just put the money in his pocket.

Jadeite turned on his gun. But nothing came out. "HEY! WHAT GIVES?!"

Zoisite fired his gun in a straight line and the ball instantly rose to the top.

"HEY, WHAT?! How come when I used that gun it didn't work?!"

Zoisite walked behind the booth. "Maybe you're just bad."

"That's not very nice, little girl!"

"Oops." Zoisite switched to the propeller hat.

"Hey little kid, you just beat me and ran off!"

"Oops," said Zoisite again, finally putting on the right outfit.

"Hey, you're back," said Jed. "While you were gone, I tried using this gun, see, and-"

"Sorry kid, we're closed."

"Drat!" cried Jadeite.

Jadeite went to ride one of the rides.

But Zoisite appeared in front of him. "Sorry, the whole park's closing, not just that booth."

"Which booth?" asked Jadeite.

"The one you were just at."

"Are you stalking me!?" cried Jadeite. "Where'd you come from anyway? Your employees have been scamming me all night, and-"

"You're gonna have to leave," said Zoisite. "But wait, there's one thing still open!"

"What is it?" asked Jed.

"The food stand," said Zoisite.

"YUM!" exclaimed Jadeite. "I haven't eaten all week!"

Jed ran up to the hot dog stand. He read the menu.

"1 hot dag - $400

1 hot dag w/ cheese - $500

1 funnel cake - $900

Tap water - $40

Lemun Aid - $20

Will add more items later

Oh and snow cones - $80."

"Pardon me," said Zoisite walking by. He walked up and crossed out the $80 and put $100.

"Hey!" said Jadeite. "This is a rip off!"

"Are you going to eat something or not?" asked Zoisite.

"I'll order one 'hot dag'," said Jadeite.

"Hot dag?" asked Zoisite.

"Yes," said Jadeite. "That's what it says on the menu."

"Oops," said Zoisite. He was going to fix the sign, but then he decided he could use this to his advantage.

He searched for something and found a napkin.

He passed it to Jed.

"What is this?" demanded Jed. "This is no hot dog!"

"Yes," agreed Zoisite. "This is a hot dag!"

"HEY!" howled Jadeite.

"Sorry, we're closed," said Zoisite, throwing Jadeite off the platform.

He counted his bills. "Mmmm… this definitely covers some of that debt, and this is just the first day! Tomorrow is Nephrite, I can't wait! And then, Jadeite again! And then after that, I can even scam Beryl! Wait a second," thought Zoisite. "Speaking of Beryl, didn't she want me to do something 20 days ago?"

Zoisite sprinted towards the boiler room in a mad dash.

On his way down the hall, he passed the soda machine, and then he knew he was done for.

Nephrite stepped in his way. "Hey Zoisite, buddy! Look, I've been meaning to talk to you, and-"

"That's great," said Zoisite, in hot sweat. "Can you make it quick though? I have something I have to do."

"Yeah, yeah," said Nephrite. "So anyway, remember that time you killed me? I decided that maybe I'll forgive you for that since it's been a couple years, but in order to do so, I must share my feelings on the matter. Firstly, I believe-"

Zoisite couldn't take it anymore and threw Nephrite into the soda machine and ran off.

"No!" cried Nephrite. "I will ruin you, Zoisite!" he howled.

Zoisite continued to sprint down the hall. "Come on, no more distractions!"

"Hey there," said Motoki, appearing in a flash.

"AH!" screamed Zoisite.

"You forgot to sign for that teacup ride," said Motoki.

Zoisite ran through Motoki like a door.

"Hey, come back!" he called. He ran after Zoisite but he couldn't keep up.

Zoisite sprinted faster. "Almost there…"

"Zoisite!" yelled Jadeite, jumping in the way. "You know, I just realized you were all the people working at the amusement park! And even that kid with that propeller hat, and that cute little twelve-year-old girl!"

Zoisite didn't have time for this, and threw a wild punch Jadeite's way.

But Jadeite caught it, and stopped Zoisite in his path.

"Shit!" cried Zoisite. "That Jadeite's a strong one!"

Zoisite tried to step to the right, but Jadeite did to.

"Face me, you coward!" yelled Jadeite.

Zoisite decided to go all out and threw a barrage of blows.

But Jadeite kept up surprisingly well.

"Crap!" said Zoisite. "He really is strong! I forgot I'm around his power level. Probably lower because he defeated Mamoru in a contest of brute strength. But even though Mamoru was stronger than me, I could take him out with my wits!"

That's when Zoisite got an idea. He spawned a crystal behind Jed, and sent it flying at him.

"Jed, don't turn around," said Zoisite.

Jed turned around and got impaled.

"Haha," said Zoisite, leaping over him.

"NO!" cried Jadeite.

Zoisite reached the boiler room and threw open the door.

The boiler was eight times its regular size, and a shade of hot red. It was about to burst. The pointer on the danger meter was hanging off the actual meter.

"Uh oh," said Zoisite. "How do I turn this thing off?!"

Zoisite went to turn the wheel, but it was burning hot. "YOUCH!" he yelled. He blew on his hands. "It's too hot to touch even with gloves, and these gloves are made out of polyester and steel!"

Queen Beryl opened the door. "Zoisite, I've been looking for- WOAH!"

Beryl fell back on the floor and her whole backside was burnt to a crisp.

She leapt to her feet. "ZOIIIIIIIIIIIISIIIIIIIIIIIITE! DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO TURN THIS OFF WEEKS AGO?!"

"Yeah, you might want to hover," suggested Zoisite. "You don't even have feet anymore, they burnt off."

"NO!" exclaimed Beryl. "I'll have to stay in my throne all day!"

"I mean, that's not that big of a change," considered Zoisite.

"Hey wait a second, Zoisite, turn the boiler off now!"

"But it's hooooot," whined Zoisite.

"ZOISITE!"

"Hey, by the way, did you hear I built an amusement park? It's really awesome and I spent a long time on it!"

"NOW!" shouted Beryl.

"It's called Mamoru Chiba Should-" Zoisite stopped himself. "Should… Should Marry Beryl, and-"

"NOOOOW!" howled Beryl.

"Alright, alright," said Zoisite reaching for the nob.

Jadeite ran into the room.

"Zoisite, I'm not finished with you yet!"

"I don't have time to play around, Jadeite! I have to turn off this boiler!"

Just then, the danger meter on the boiler cracked, and steam came rushing out.

"TURN IT OFF!" screeched Beryl.

Zoisite reached for the handle, but his phone beeped.

"A text?" he asked. He opened it up. It was from Kunzite.

"R u busy?" read the text.

"Know," typed Zoisite. "Wait, wrong 'No.'"

Zoisite was still poking each key with his finger really slowly with one hand.

"I'm still new to this whole iPhone thing," he explained to Beryl and Jadeite.

Beryl charged Zoisite, but before Beryl reached Zoisite the boiler exploded.

"WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" yelled Beryl, but it was drowned out by the sound of the explosion.

The explosion spread through the whole Negaverse.

Nephrite saw the flames quickly approaching him. He went to teleport away, but then he saw the soda machine.

He leapt on it. "I can't leave you!" he yelled.

Kunzite was flipping through his newspaper. "When's Zoisite gonna text me back?" he wondered.

Suddenly his whole castle exploded.

Mamoru Chiba was sleeping on Metalia's brain-washing bed.

He heard a rumbling, and took off towards the exit portal.

"No!" yelled Metalia. "Take me with you!"

"Sorry," said Mamoru. "My hands are tied."

Mamoru was the only one close enough to the exit portal to escape.

He fell out on the snow, and watched as inside the portal everything blew up.

Nothing was left of the Negaverse but a pile of ashes.

"RIP," said Mamoru. "I'll just tell the Sailor Scouts that I caused that."

He walked off into the sunlight.

* * *

The Shitennou, Beryl, and Metalia awoke in Hell.

"Every time," said Jadeite.

Beryl turned to Zoisite with an angry glare.

"D'ah," said Zoisite. "At least I made some quick bucks on that amusement park before it blew up. Another easy scheme like that and I'll repay that credit card debt in no time!"

"What credit card debt?" asked Kunzite.

"Uh oh," said Zoisite.

"You also have to pay for the damage done to the Negaverse," said Beryl.

"Mmmm, how much will that cost?" asked Zoisite taking out his check book.

"99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999.99 Negabucks."

"D'ah," said Zoisite. "Jadeite, wanna buy a hot dag?"

* * *

Motoki ascended to Heaven because he had been burnt to a crisp in the explosion as well. "Weeeeee," he said.

But suddenly he dropped down like Zoisite's darts into Hell. "D'ah," he said. "I knew I shouldn't have asked for a tip."

FIN


	130. Metalia: Disembodied Blob No More!

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Shut it, Jadeite," said Beryl. "I'm starting the story this time."

"Well actually," said Jadeite.

"CAANNNN IT!"

* * *

"Queen Metalia!" yelled Beryl. "I found a new source of energy!"

Queen Metalia sighed. "I'm tired of this weak energy. The Negaverse will never take over the world at this rate!"

"Urmm, we'll get there eventually!" promised Beryl.

"It took you like 30 episodes to get me to awaken just enough so I could talk!" barked Metalia. "How much energy did that take, anyway?"

"Well," began Beryl. "There was that one time with Jed's gym plan, and that other time with Nephrite's love energy."

"I thought there were four of them," recalled Metalia. "Why aren't they all trying to get energy?"

"Well," said Beryl. "I figured they ought to be well rested for when they have to get the Silver Crystal."

"I was the one who reminded you about the Silver Crystal," replied Metalia. "What was the point of me using what little energy I had to revive the Shitennou if none of them are getting me energy, or doing anything!?"

"They are!" cried Beryl. "Jadeite's getting that gym energy, and-"

"What about the other three?" asked Metalia.

"I told you! Nephrite's getting that love energy, and I'm making Zoisite fix the boiler room every couple months."

Metalia shook her non-existent head. "We can't go on like this. Cancel all energy gathering and send all four of them to get the Silver Crystal."

"WHAT!?" cried Beryl. "None of those fools could ever pull that off! This is the safest bet, I'm tellin' ya!"

"It will take 9999999999999 years for me to get to my full power at this rate!" shouted Metalia.

"That's okay," said Beryl. "I think we're immortal, hopefully. You can just revive us if we die of old age."

"BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY ENERGY!"

"Hmm," considered Beryl. "I like the universe as it is, okay? There's no need to fix what isn't broken!"

"You're on your last leg, Beryl," warned Metalia. "If one of your Shitennou doesn't come in this instant with the Silver Crystal, you're mincemeat!"

"Shit!" cried Beryl. "That wouldn't happen in a million years!"

"QUEEEN BERYL!" shouted Kunzite, dashing in. "You'll never believe what I just happened upon!"

"Is it energy?" asked Beryl.

"No, even better!"

"Is it Mamoru Chiba?" asked Beryl.

"No, even better!"

"LIES!" shouted Beryl.

"…" said Kunzite. "I guess you don't want the Silver Imperium Crystal then?"

"The wuuuuuuuuuut?!" exclaimed Beryl. "Fork it over!"

"I don't know," considered Kunzite. "What's in it for me?"

"WHAT?!" shouted Beryl. "I'll kill you!"

"You couldn't kill me when I didn't have the silver crystal," reminded Kunzite.

"But you don't know how to use it!" taunted Beryl. "Only I do!"

"Do you?" asked Kunzite skeptically.

"I do," said Metalia.

"Hey, what is that thing in that ball?!" cried Kunzite. "Did some kind of rodent get in?!"

"KUNZITE!" screamed Beryl. "Don't you know you're talking to the Queen of the Negaverse?!"

"But I thought you're the queen of the Negaverse?"

"I am," said Beryl.

"No you're not," said Metalia. "Kunzite, give me the crystal."

"I don't trust this blob," Kunzite whispered to Beryl.

"I heard that!" shouted Metalia.

"Ooo, you're scaring me!" mocked Kunzite. "Come at me, blob boy!"

"Hey, hey, break it up," said Beryl.

"That's the last time I revive you!" yelled Metalia.

"Wait a second," said Kunzite. "You're THAT Metalia? Oops! I just thought you'd look a little more… you know…"

"I don't," said Metalia. "This is my 10% state when I have no energy. If I was at my full power, I'd be unstoppable."

"Wait," said Kunzite. "Were you that big silhouette in the sky at the Moon Kingdom raid?"

"Yes," said Metalia.

"Oh, you're the one that killed everyone while we slacked off! Way to go, GJ!"

Metalia grunted.

"Whelp, here's that crystal," said Kunzite. "Say, you won't kill me when I give this to you, right? I've heard of similar events from other seasons happening like that."

"No," said Metalia.

"But, why not?" asked Kunzite. "I see no real reason for you to keep me alive. Hey, actually that goes for Beryl too!"

"Don't give her any ideas!" shouted Beryl. "Besides, she'd never do that! She loved me enough to make me queen, despite being the weakest link!"

"Yep," agreed Metalia. "It all started when you shook that magic lamp that I resided in. I owe you my gratitude."

"Ok," said Kunzite. "A friend of Beryl's is a friend of mine, except for that Chiba kid."

He tossed the crystal into Metalia's blob form.

"Yes, YESSSSSSS!" screamed Metalia.

"Where'd you get that anyway?" whispered Beryl to Kunzite.

"Usagi dropped it while I was chasing her with my cranberry milkshake."

"Sounds familiar," said Beryl.

"YAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" screamed Metalia. Her shell shattered open and Beryl let out a shriek.

"Huh?" asked Kunzite. "Why are you screaming?"

"I FEEL ALIVE!" shouted Beryl.

Metalia began to grow into the familiar huge silhouette of a face. She started going through the roof of the room, causing the stone ceiling to start crashing down.

"No, stop!" yelled Kunzite. "Be careful!"

"Yes!" agreed Beryl. "Take it easy now, go somewhere you will fit!"

But Metalia continued to grow.

Kunzite put himself in a bubble.

"HEY, LET ME IN!" yelled Beryl, banging on the bubble.

"Sorry, not enough room," said Kunzite.

Beryl put on her jogging shoes and took off running as fast as her legs could take her.

Suddenly Metalia got a hold of herself.

"This isn't good," she said. "If I take my 100% form in the dark cavernous Negaverse, I'll wreck the place! Therefore, I will have to settle for taking my 50% form for now."

"What's your 50% form?" asked Beryl.

Metalia turned into a tall woman-like figure. She looked like Super Beryl, minus the Beryl.

"HOT DIGGITY!" shouted Kunzite. "You're even hotter than Beryl!"

"Kunzite!" yelled Zoisite, teleporting in. "Did I just hear you being heterosexual?"

"No," lied Kunzite. "And actually, it would be more like bisexual… wait why are you here?"

"I could sense Metalia's power level all the way from our home. She's pretty strong now! Before, even I could have taken her out!"

"As if," said Metalia, brushing her long human-like hair back. "Even as a blob, I could have disposed of you, Zoisite."

Nephrite walked in then. "I came to check in with Beryl, but she wasn't on her throne. Given this rare occasion, I figured I should come down here to ask Metalia if I could take her place. But I guess nevermind…"

Suddenly, Nephrite spotted Metalia in her humanoid body. "OOOOO MAMA!" he called. "Hey sexy lady, come over to my place! Don't worry, it's not in this craphole!"

Queen Metalia scoffed. "I made this 'craphole'."

"No," said Nephrite. "That ugly blob Queen Metalia made it!"

"Should we tell him?" asked Kunzite.

"No," said Zoisite. "This might end good, but not for Nephrite!"

Metalia was livid. "I'll have you know that it is I, Queen Metalia, in my 50% power form. If I wanted to, I could wipe you out with a finger."

"I see," said Nephrite. He took off running and didn't stop.

"Now then," said Metalia. "Now that I finally have a body, I'm going to do something I never thought I'd do."

* * *

"OMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM!" shouted Metalia. "This buffet is delicious!"

She threw food into her open mouth at lightning pace.

"Maybe you should slow down there," suggested Beryl. "You're making a scene!"

"No," said Metalia. "I haven't eaten in over 9999999999999 years! It's so great to finally have body features!"

"Here's the bill," said Motoki's sister.

Metalia looked at the bill with her new eyes. "Mmmm," she said. "I love being able to see."

She disposed of Motoki's sister with a single flick of the wrist.

"Metalia!" exclaimed Beryl. "You can't just go around killing people in public!"

"Why not?" asked Metalia.

"Yeah, why not?" agreed Zoisite.

"Can it," said Metalia. "You can't kill anyone."

"Stop bullying me!" cried Zoisite. "I'm a valued member of the team!"

Motoki walked in then. "Hey, sister!"

He looked over.

"AHHHH! wHAT HAPPENED TO MY SISTER!?"

He saw Zoisite and immediately got enraged.

He charged Zoisite with his fists of fury.

Metalia took him down with a single eye glance.

"Thanks for the save, Queen M." said Zoisite.

"Bring me more LOBSTAHHHHH!" Metalia howled.

* * *

Queen Beryl sat on her throne berating Jadeite.

Metalia marched in, flaunting her new existing legs.

"WOWZA!" said Jadeite. "Nice thighs!"

"Can it," said Metalia. "Beryl, what are you doing?"

"I'm sitting on my throne," said Beryl. "You have eyes now, you should use them."

Metalia glared at her. "That there throne belongs to me."

"I've always had this throne!" objected Beryl.

Metalia raised her hand.

Beryl started to sweat. "I mean, I was just keeping it warm for you, Metalia! I'm just SO happy that you now have a body!"

Beryl threw herself to the floor and off the throne.

"Very good, my pet," said Metalia. She hopped on the throne.

"Beryl, you're no longer a queen."

"WHAT?!" demanded Queen Beryl. "WHY!?"

"It's confusing," said Metalia. "If you call yourself queen of the Negaverse, people might get the wrong idea! In fact, I actually don't remember ever saying you were queen! But I was stuck in that ball so I couldn't do anything about it!"

"D'ah," said Beryl.

"LACKIES!" howled Metalia. "GATHER AT ONCE!"

The other three Shitennou warped in.

"Beryl, put on this uniform!" said Metalia, throwing a Shitennou uniform at her.

"But it's so ugly!" cried Beryl. "Only complete idiots wear this!"

The other four glared at her.

"That's better," said Metalia. "Now all my goons look the same."

"Hey, I'm not on the same level as these losers!" cried Beryl.

"You are now," said Metalia.

"Yeah, watch it," warned Nephrite. "I'm allowed to kill you now that you're a Shitennou. Since all the Shitennou kill each other!"

Beryl gulped. "Since when was that allowed?"

"Since you said it was," reminded Zoisite. "I even got you to sign off on it so you wouldn't change your mind and kill me later."

"Uh oh," said Beryl.

Queen Metalia sat there, eyeing the five of them. "This will never do," she stated. "Five is an odd number. I like groups of four better."

Jadeite hung his head. He knew his Shitennou days were over.

"Jadeite," began Metalia.

"I know, I know," said Jadeite leaving.

"Hey, I'm gonna need that uniform," said Metalia.

Jadeite stripped to his underwear and left.

"Now then."

"What's going to happen to him?" asked Nephrite, more curious than concerned.

"He's been demoted, so he's a Youma now," said Metalia.

"Hahahahhahahaha," laughed Zoisite.

"Hey watch it," said Metalia. "That could have easily been you!"

Zoisite gulped and stepped back in line.

"Now that I've consumed the Silver Crystal," continued Metalia. "We're back to energy, because I need to be STRONGER! Under my leadership, we might actually get some. I expect 20 ounces from each of you by the end of each week. Failure to meet this quota will result in extermination."

"Well actually," said Zoisite. "I don't exactly know how to get energy."

"Same," said Beryl.

"Haha," laughed Metalia. "Should I kill you now then?"

"No thanks," said Zoisite. "I'll work on it."

"Hey!" yelled Metalia. "I won't take sass from you. I'm not like that pushover Beryl!"

"Hey!" yelled Beryl.

Metalia raised her hand. "That goes for you too. Any questions?"

Nephrite raised his hand and Metalia lightly zapped him, knocking him to the floor.

"Any other questions?"

Everyone stood like a statue.

"Good," said Metalia. "Now get to work!"

* * *

The three original Shitennou that remained and their newest member Beryl sat in the Nega-cafeteria.

"This is bad," said Queen Beryl.

"No kidding," said Nephrite, taking a bite out of his PB & J. "We gotta do something about Metalia!"

"If only Jadeite was here to add something to this conversation," said Zoisite. "But unfortunately, this is the Shitennou table."

"WHAT WAS THAT?!" yelled Jadeite from one of the Youma tables a couple tables away.

"Dang, it's a real shame I killed all the Youmas," he pondered. "Now I have no one to sit with."

Jadeite was in a T-shirt and shorts.

"Anyway," said Kunzite. "We need Beryl back in charge. She had great leadership skills."

"Yeah," said Zoisite. "She didn't really make us do anything, and the only one she punished for incompetence was Jadeite! But he deserved it."

"WHAT!?" shouted Jadeite.

"NOTHING!" screamed Zoisite.

"Now we actually have to do work," moaned Nephrite. "I can't take this much longer!"

"You haven't done anything yet," said Kunzite.

"Just the thought sickens me! Half the time I reported to Beryl I didn't even go and do anything!" explained Nephrite.

"Hmm," said Beryl.

"Oops," said Nephrite. "I'm not used to you being a Shitennou."

"Hey guys, how's it going?" asked someone sitting down at the table.

"Get lost," said Kunzite. "This table's cool kids only!"

"Might I remind you that I could wipe you out just by thinking about it?" said Metalia.

"M-m-m—m-m-m-m-m Metalia! What brings you here?!"

"Why are you guys eating when you should be out getting energy!?"

"But.. but I!" sputtered Zoisite.

"Shut your mouth!" said Metalia. "I've decided to move the energy deadline to tonight, since clearly a week gave you too much time to slack off. Now GET to WORK!"

They all scattered in different directions.

"Does that include me?" asked Jadeite.

"What?" said Metalia. "I don't speak Youma."

* * *

Queen Beryl appeared in the middle of a crowded mall.

"Alright, this shouldn't be too hard! I've heard about 130 something schemes from Jadeite, I'm sure I've picked up enough to do this!"

She walked into the crowd and started absorbing energy.

Everyone passed out, and she acquired a huge ball of it. "Hahhahaha, this was too easy!"

"Hey, it's Queen Beryl!" shouted Sailor Moon. "What are you doing on the field? Don't you only sit on the throne?"

Queen Beryl frowned. "I'm not in the mood to play around," said Beryl. "I'm taking this energy and leaving."

"No," said Sailor Moon.

"Oh come on!" complained Beryl. "What were the chances you would be at this mall, at this time?! It's like you have a radar lock on me! Wait-"

But Sailor Moon charged Beryl.

Beryl put her hands out in defense, but she had no hands on the energy ball so it dropped to the floor and went back to everyone.

"NO!" yelled Queen Beryl. "Queen Beryl won't be pleased! Looks like I have to stay and fight!"

She decided it was best to go with her only attack. She spawned a huge black crystal and screamed "AHHHHHHHHHHH!"

She tossed it, but Sailor Moon dodged.

"She's strong!" cried Beryl. She teleported away.

* * *

"Queen Metalia!" yelled Beryl. "That didn't go so well! It was a really terrible coincidence, I got attacked by the Sailors Scouts!"

"Pa-thetic!" said Metalia. "You had one job, you piece of trash! I'm sick of your incompetence! Do you want an eternal sleep?"

Beryl started to cry. "Come on, there's no way the sailors will happen to be where I am next time!"

"No," said Metalia. "You haven't gotten a single ounce of energy. If you can't take on little girls, then you'll have to take on me!"

"Why are you being so mean?!" asked Beryl. "I am doing my best!"

Suddenly, Zoisite appeared floating behind Beryl.

"Hahahahhahaa," he mocked.

"Hey, stop it!" yelled Beryl. "I know what you're about to do, but you better not!"

"You're gonna end up just like Jadeite!" taunted Zoisite.

"Metalia!" yelled Beryl. "Stop Zoisite from picking on me!"

"Sorry," said Metalia. "Shitennou are allowed to pick on each other. You're the one who made that rule."

"Grrrr!" said Beryl.

"Hahaha, that's the reaction I expected from the weakest Shitennou!" giggled Zoisite.

"Actually," said Beryl. "I think I'm one rank above you!"

"Tis true," said Metalia.

"NO!" cried Zoisite.

"Yep," said Metalia. "All Beryl's attacks are pretty much just clones of yours, but stronger!"

"NO!" cried Zoisite again. "She can't throw crystals!"

"I'm afraid I can, and twice as big as yours!" added Beryl.

"NO!" cried Zoisite. "But can you throw them from behind people?!"

"Yes," said Beryl. "And even from the side."

"No! I haven't even mastered that yet! But what about petals, can you do that?!"

"Hmm, I've never tried," said Beryl. "But if I had to guess, they'd probably be just like yours but stronger."

"NO!" cried Zoisite. "This isn't fair!" He fled.

* * *

"Oh Kunzite!" cried Zoisite. "I hate her so much!"

"There there," said Kunzite. "We'll just dispose of her!"

"But Kunzite, aren't you brainwashed to not harm the queen of the Negaverse?"

"Yes," said Kunzite.

"OOOHH SNAP!" said Zoisite. "Then I think we should take her out! Can you kill her for me?"

"Mmmm," said Kunzite.

Zoisite left it at that.

"There there," Kunzite repeated.

"Hmph," said Metalia. "This is so sweet it's giving me cavities!"

"That doesn't make any sense, idiot," said Zoisite.

Zoisite turned around and saw Metalia.

"Mm-m-m—mm-m-m-m—m-m-m-"

"M-m-m-m-m-m-m," taunted Metalia.

"I'm so sorry," said Zoisite.

"Yes," said Kunzite. "Punish me instead! It's my fault for not teaching Zoisite to be more patient!"

"You're on your last leg," said Metalia. "You both should be working! There's no time for relationships in the Negaverse, let alone gay ones!"

"Hey," said Zoisite. "Was that necessary?"

"Yes," said Metalia. "Now Get. Back. To. Work! Let's make this a twelve episode anime, no filler allowed!"

"NO!" cried Zoisite. "It's necessary for character development!"

Metalia raised her hand.

"Punish my instead!" said Kunzite. "It's my fault for not teaching Zoisite to be more patient!"

"We're going in circles here," said Metalia. "Just be sure to have that energy by tonight!"

* * *

"Shit!" cried Nephrite. "I gotta have that energy by tonight!"

He looked over his map of Tokyo. "I can get more energy from one person than Jadeite can get from 100! The only problem is, no one's at the peak of their energy today! This isn't good!"

He continued to pace.

"Hey," said the stars. "You should try that supermarket. They're having a grand opening today. Just take a bunch of random people's energy."

"Hmm," contemplated Nephrite. "That goes against everything I believe in, but I guess I have no choice."

Nephrite sat in the dairy freezer, looking out at the store. "Yes, this will do just fine."

Nephrite hopped out of the freezer and starting knocking people down and taking their energy one by one. "I should have done this all along!"

Suddenly he pushed this black-haired girl down, but instead of getting energy, he got a slug.

"Ouch!" he said. She shot a fireball at him. He tanked it with his arm.

"Not the Sailors! Grrr, I'll finish you off! Youma Jadeite, go!"

Jadeite appeared. "Me?! Take on all five Sailors? You gotta be joking!"

Nephrite fled.

"Hey, why'd you leave me?! Why didn't you stay to help me fight?! This is a suicide mission!"

Jadeite panicked. He ran for his life.

"Get back here!" called Sailor Moon. "I'll kill you!"

"Why?!" cried Jadeite. "I've done nothing wrong, have mercy! I'm still a living thing! I have dreams and passions just like you!"

"Die, Negascum!"

Sailor Moon murdered him in cold blood.

"Who are the real bad guys here?" Jadeite said as he died.

"Man, the Negaverse has been pretty goofy in their attacks lately," said Sailor Moon. "First Queen Beryl appears on the field, and now Shitennou are sending out each other?"

"They're up to something," said Luna, convinced.

* * *

The Shitennou sat in an overworld cafeteria in the mall so Jed could join in the discussion.

"Sorry about that," said Nephrite.

"Hey, no prob," said Jed. "I understand it's the way things are."

"So just to be clear," said Beryl. "No one's actually managed to get any energy, right?"

Everyone nodded.

"I can't believe that even when all four of us went to four different places at the same time, Sailor Moon was at all of them!" Kunzite exclaimed.

"She must have a radar lock on us!" deduced Jadeite.

"Don't be ridic- shit he's right, she must!" realized Beryl.

"Now that we've given up on getting energy, let's just scheme to take out Metalia," said Nephrite. "Anyone got any bright ideas?"

"Metalia's a superb soldier," said Zoisite. "We can't just confront her head on. She'll dispose of us all with ease."

"Then what do we do?" Jed asked.

"We poison her with lemonade!" suggested Nephrite.

"Not quite," said Beryl. "But you're definitely onto something."

* * *

"Whelp, here you go," said Kunzite, handing Metalia a ball of energy.

"Wow," said Metalia. "You actually pulled it off! And I already payed for funeral arrangements for all four of you!"

"What about me?" asked Jed.

"Youmas don't get funerals. Also why are you in my chambers?!"

"D'ah," said Jadeite. He headed out. "Good luck with the plan to kill Metalia guys, tell me how it goes!"

"WHAT?!" screamed Metalia.

Everyone ducked for cover when Metalia examined their energy ball closely.

It was ticking like a time-bomb.

"Were you trying to blow me up?!"

The bomb blew up.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAH!" laughed Zoisite.

"There's no way she could survive that!" cheered Kunzite. "That had the power of 500 atom bombs!"

"Good thing I majored in Nega-nuclear physics," said Jed.

"Why are you still here?" asked Nephrite.

"I came back when I heard the bomb go off. Because, like Kunzite said, there's no way she could have survived that!"

"No," said Metalia. "There's no way any of you can survive thiiiiiiiis!"

Metalia shot a laserbeam through Jed's heart. The smoke cleared.

"My aim is as good as ever," she laughed.

"IMPOSSIBLE!" yelled Kunzite.

"There's no way!" said Neph.

"I admit you almost got me," said Metalia. "But at the last second, I raised my power to 75%. That bomb was like a gust of wind. AHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"NO!" cried Beryl.

Kunzite decided it was all or nothing. As the most powerful member of the group by far, he figured he might just stand a chance.

Everyone else was too scared to charge, but Kunzite lunged forward like a madman and threw a quick kick on Metalia's neck.

She backhanded him to the side and he flew into a stalagmite and fell to the floor.

Zoisite rushed over and helped him up.

"That… that was nothing!" lied Kunzite.

"Kunzite, you're shaking!" said Zoisite.

"No!" lied Kunzite, shaking like a leaf.

Super Metalia laughed. "You Shitennou are like paper tigers in front of a tornado."

"That's a strange one," said Beryl.

"And you, Beryl. You're like a paper goose!"

"NO!"

"I'm not afraid of you, Metalia," said Nephrite.

"WHAT!?" gasped Metalia, shocked by his courage. "And why would that be?"

"You're all talk," said Nephrite. "If you were as tough as you say you are, you would have disposed of Kunzite by now, instead of just back-handing him. No, wait, if you were that tough, your back-hand should have killed him! But you're match for the Negapower!"

"I AM THE NEGAPOWER!" screamed Metalia.

"Really?" laughed Beryl. "The Negapower takes such a weak form? I'm amazed, no, I'm disappointed."

"This is only half my power!" shouted Metalia.

"Your full power wouldn't even reach a power level of over a million," said Nephrite.

"Yeah!" shouted Jadeite. "My scouter hasn't even broken yet!"

"Didn't I just kill you?" asked Metalia.

"Yes, but I have nerves of steel. You're too weak to stop them from regenerating. And also you missed all my vital organs by pure luck!"

"I shot you right in the heart!" said Metalia.

"Everyone knows the Shitennou don't have hearts," laughed Jed.

"You're not a Shitennou," reminded Metalia.

"Uh oh," said Jadeite. He dropped dead.

"Yeah," said Kunzite weakly. "You're a weakling. That attack was nothing!"

"ENOUGH!" shouted Metalia. "I'm going to kill you, alright, but before I do, witness my full power!"

"I think she's bluffing!" yelled Zoisite. "I bet this mediocre form is her full power!"

Metalia started transforming.

The whole Negaverse started to shake.

So did the Earth.

Her power level started rising to the billions. Jadeite's scouter exploded off his corpse.

"It's over 9 billion!" he cried, hopping to his feet.

Suddenly a rogue lightning bolt struck him down.

Metalia's power was so overwhelming that it was almost knocking the Shitennou off their feet.

"HA, is that all you got?!" asked Zoisite.

"Alright," said Kunzite. "Let's stop now. She's getting dangerously strong."

Metalia kept growing bigger. At last, she reverted back to the huge silhouette face.

The face was as big as the Earth itself. Despite the Negaverse walls being made of polyester and steel, they shattered like paper at the expansion of her form.

"AHHHHHHHHHH!" yelled Metalia continuing to grow. Finally her form peaked, and the Shitennou high-tailed it.

"Hey guys, my eye holes are too high up to see your expressions of sheer terror, so can you describe them for me?" Metalia asked. "Guys?"

At that moment, the ceiling of the Negaverse collapsed, and squashed silhouette Metalia like a bug.

The Shitennou slowly creeped back inside, climbing through the rubble.

"Is that the end of Metalia?" asked Jed.

A large boulder fell on top of him, and that time he was dead for good.

"N…n-n-n-n-n-n-no," struggled Metalia.

"Nn-n-n-n-n-n—n-n-nn," mocked Zoisite.

Metalia had to revert back to her ten percent blob form to squeeze out of the rocks. "You'll…. You'll pay dearly for this! As soon as I make it out of here I'll slither around until I can get enough room to take my full form! And then, you'll all suffer and die by my-"

Kunzite put her in a pickle jar, and put a dark energy seal around it. "Nice try bud," he said.

"Horray!" said everyone.

"Now what do we do with the pickle jar?" Nephrite asked.

* * *

Kunzite tossed the pickle jar off a bridge and into a river.

"GF," said Nephrite.

"Riperoo," said Zoisite.

"It's amazing what we can do with the power of teamwork," added Jed.

"Hey, didn't you…" began Kunzite. "Nevermind. The important thing is that that's over with."

"Now time to punish you all for your confessions of not working," said Beryl.

"Does this mean I'm a Shitennou again?" asked Jed.

"Unfortunately," said Beryl.

"Yipee! I'll start training hardcore today, so maybe next time something like this happens Zoisite will be the one demoted!"

"Yeah right," said Zoisite.

* * *

Grandpa sat by the riverbank, feeding the ducks.

"Mmmm," he said licking his lips.

Suddenly, a bottle floated over to him.

"What's this doing here?" he asked. "What kind of monster would pollute our river with this trash?"

The jar started to shake. "If you let me out, I'll grant you one wish!"

Grandpa chopped open the dark seal with a simple karate slash.

He then opened the jar.

"This is the start of a beautiful friendship."

* * *

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Shut it," said Beryl. "What happened with the last source?!"

"Well, the Sailors happened to-"

"Say no more," said Beryl. "I believe you."

Jadeite smiled.

Just then there was a knock on the door.

"Would you get that, Jed?" Beryl asked.

"Sure thing!"

He opened the door and was instantly obliterated.

Super Grandpa, the culmination of 100% Metalia, Grandpa's natural power, and his cross-eyed lobster form, along with the Potara fusion multiplier of 45X, marched inside.

Queen Beryl spawned a huge black crystal. "AHHHHHHHHHHH!" she shouted, throwing it.

FIN


	131. Zoisite Leaves Mams on the Brainwash Bed

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

Queen Beryl ignored him.

"Queen Beryl!" repeated Jadeite.

"Kunzite!" yelled Beryl. "How did you let this happen!?"

"I'm sorry, my queen, I will dispose of Jadeite this instant."

"Not that!" shouted Beryl. "How did you let Mamoru get healed a THIRD time?! This is why I wasn't able to defeat Sailor Moon when she was in my lair! I had no energy for an eternal sleep attack. That second hypnotism really took the last of our energy!"

"I understand how you feel," said Kunzite. "But with all due respect, Mamoru is a huge douche. And he constantly bullies me!"

"Do you think I care about you?" asked Beryl.

"I like to, yes."

"Well you're wrong, buster," said Beryl. "The only thing I care about is Endymion marrying me! I couldn't care less if all four of you dropped dead!"

"Those are harsh words, m'queen," said Kunzite.

"Oh, is that why you killed two of us, and didn't even bat an eye?" asked Jadeite.

Beryl continued to ignore him.

"Whelp, there goes that energy," said Kunzite solemnly. "Good luck though, maybe third time will be the charge and the brainwashing will actually be successful."

"I really hope so," said Beryl. "I don't know how many more of these we can handle. I had to take out a huge energy loan from the bank, and I still haven't paid it back yet."

"I can getcha some energy," offered Jadeite.

Beryl continued to ignore him.

Jadeite snapped, and threw a punch at Beryl.

Beryl pretended she didn't feel anything, despite him actually having landed a critical hit.

"Kunzite, did I just get bit by a mosquito?" she asked.

"You could say that," said Kunzite.

"Kunzite!" yelled Jadeite. "Who's side are you on!? Tell Beryl-senpai to notice me!"

Kunzite ignored him.

Jadeite stormed off.

Beryl let out a hardy laugh. "Good job, Kunzite."

"Hmm," said Kunzite, still hurt by Beryl's previous comments.

"Now Kunzite, get me my first aid kit. I could die any second, that was a devastating blow."

Kunzite left to grab the kit.

"Oh, and Kunzite! Be sure to turn off Mamoru's brainwashing pod in a couple days. Don't forget!"

"Yeah yeah," said Kunzite.

Kunzite dialed Zoisite's number. "Hey, be sure to turn off Mamoru's brainwashing pod in a couple days."

"Why do I have to?" asked Zoisite.

"Beryl ordered you to."

"D'ah, okay. You can count on me! I won't let you down like that boiler incident!"

* * *

Two months later…

Zoisite was reading through the newest fashion magazine.

"Mmm…" he said. "OH CRAP!"

He dashed to Mamoru's hypnotizing pod. But all that was there was a pile of ashes.

"NO!" exclaimed Zoisite. "Mamoru was burnt to a crisp! Queen Beryl's not going to like this!"

"Like what?" asked Beryl. "Say, have you seen Mamoru?"

"Umm…"

Zoisite wiped the ashes off the table.

"No, I haven't seen him since I turned off his pod a couple months ago! He must have wandered away!"

"That's strange," said Beryl. "He didn't have any clothes on."

"Yeah, about that," began Zoisite. "Why was that necessary?"

"You'll learn when you get older," said Beryl.

"Hmm," said Zoisite. "So umm… I better be going now…"

"Wait, Zoisite," said Beryl.

Zoisite stopped in his tracks and turned around. "Yes, my queen?" he said breaking into a sweat.

"Did you do something with your hair?" Beryl asked.

"No, my queen," said Zoisite.

"Mmm," said Beryl. "It looks better today."

"…Thanks!" said Zoisite, taking off in a mad sprint.

He bumped into some Arabian looking guy.

"Huh?" asked Zoisite. "Are you the Sheik of Baghdad?"

"I am the Moonlight Knight!"

He ripped off his face mask, revealing the face of none other than Mamoru Chiba.

"Mamoru?!" cried Zoisite. "You've converted to Islam?"

"Huh? I've never heard that name," said the Moonlight Knight.

"Wait a minute, Mamoru died! Are you a ghost?! Is that why you're wearing white?! Have you come to haunt me for killing you this time and that other time?!"

"At peace, civilian," said the Knight. "And put a burka on, you're dressed too immodestly."

"I'm a guy," said Zoisite.

"You've brought great shame to Islam," said the Moonlight Knight, shaking his head and walking away.

"That was weird," said Zoisite. He debated on telling Beryl, but decided it would be best not to.

* * *

Jed heard a knock on his wall.

He opened up the dark space to let the visitor in.

"Heya, pal!" said Mamoru Chiba. He was in his iconic green sweater, black T-shirt, and light purple pants get-up.

"Hey Mamoru!" said Jadeite. "Wait a second… Why are you a human again? Did the bank repossess Beryl's energy mid-hypnosis?"

"Nah," said Mamoru. "I was just strolling through the neighborhood. Hey, do you wanna come get a bite at Crown Parlor?"

Jadeite didn't have any plans for the evening, but he had to play it cool. "Hmm, let me check my schedule…"

He opened his empty scheduling book. He scanned it for five minutes, and then closed it. "I think I can make some room," he said.

"Cool, catch ya on the flip side!"

Mamoru hopped on his motorcycle and road away.

"Huh," thought Jadeite. "I'm glad that guy finally came around."

He showed at Crown Parlor.

"Heya, Mamoru!" said Motoki. "Who's your friend?"

"Oh," said Mamoru. "This is just Jadeite. I know him from college."

"Hey, I'm in your college! How come I've never seen him before?" Motoki asked.

"Dunno," shrugged Mamoru. "Maybe you just weren't paying attention."

"Yeah," agreed Jadeite. "Me and Mamoru met a couple years ago in biology class, and we've hit it off ever since!"

"I've always taken biology with Mamoru," said Motoki. "I've never seen you once."

"Yeah actually," said Mamoru. "I think it was history that you and I hit it off in, Jeddy!"

"Oh yeah!" recalled Jed. "Wait a minute, that never happened! Who are you, and what is your scheme?!"

"Scheme?" asked Mamoru. "I'm just trying to hang out with my two favorite guys!"

"You're up to something," promised Jed. He dashed from Crown Parlor without paying his bill.

"What's that guy's deal?" asked Mamoru. "He's acting strange. He's never been like this, and we've been friends for years!"

* * *

Nephrite was taking a peaceful stroll down the street with his gal Molly.

"Mmm," said Nephrite. "Nice night."

"Hoy agree!" agreed Molly.

"Honestly, I don't understand half the things you say," admitted Nephrite.

"Oy'ts oykay!" said Molly.

"I love you too," said Nephrite.

Suddenly, he saw a flower coming at him from a mile away.

"That's strange," he said.

Since it was a mile away and coming at a low velocity, Nephrite was already another mile away when the flower hit.

"Hey buddy, you wanna not throw those things at me?" he asked.

"What?!" cried Tuxedo Mask. "How did you get all the way over here, I just threw the rose!"

"Hahahaha," laughed Nephrite. "Missed by a mile. Literally!" he barked in his deep, booming, raspy voice.

"Oww," said Tuxedo Mask. "It's so deep and manly!"

"Yep," boomed Nephrite.

"So, you like picking on little girls, huh?" asked Tuxedo Mask.

Nephrite looked around, to see who he was talking to. "You talking to me?" he asked.

"Ye," said Tuxedo Mask. "Let's do this! Ready to buck horns?"

"Listen bud," said Nephrite. "We don't want this to get ugly, do we? We all know what happened with you v. Jadeite."

"What?!" exclaimed Tuxedo. "How did you know?!"

"Jadeite uploaded it to NegaTube! HAHAHAHA!"

"NO!" cried Tuxedo Mask. "That's it, I'll dispose of you like yesterday's rubbish!"

Nephrite laughed as Tuxedo Mask threw a devastating headbutt his way.

"Maxfoyld, NOI!" cried Molly. She jumped in front of him, but Nephrite pulled her out of the way.

"Why don't you head home, Molly? This could get pretty graphic!"

"K," said Molly. She went home.

"Bold words, coming from the Negaverse's weakest link!" mocked Tuxedo Mask.

"You couldn't even take Zoisite," Nephrite reminded him. "It was more or less an even fight."

"No, I wasn't on my A-game because of that shoulder wound!"

"I'm talking about the other twenty times," said Nephrite.

"Those were just filler fights!" said Tuxedo Mask. "They weren't in the manga!"

"Nothing was in the manga!" screamed Nephrite. "I had two pages, maybe three!"

"Haha," said Tuxedo Mask. "That shows how important I was in comparison."

Nephrite was starting to get mad, but he kept his cool.

"You know what else I heard?" said Tuxedo Mask. He was jumping from side to side, throwing punches in the air. "In the manga, you were weaker than Zoisite!"

"No!" cried Nephrite. "That's because we had no character development!"

"Save it for your funeral," said Tuxedo Mask.

"That makes no sense!" cried Nephrite.

Tuxedo Mask took this opportunity when Nephrite was distracted and charged.

He landed a direct blow to Nephrite's jawline.

It looked like it left a mark, but when Nephrite turned his head, he was unscathed.

"I'm giving you one last chance to skedaddle," said Nephrite.

"See ya later!" said Tuxedo Mask. "Until next time!"

"Goofball," said Nephrite.

* * *

Prince Endymion marched directly into Kunzite's castle.

"Oh you again," sneered Kunzite. "What do you want?"

"Sailor Moon is tougher than any she-lion," Prince Endymion stated.

Kunzite growled. He walked away to look at his picture of him and Zoisite.

"Mmm," said Kunzite. "I'm not quite sure who took this, but they got a good angle of both of us."

"Zoisite underestimated Sailor Moon, and look what happened to her," said Prince Endymion.

"I know what I'm DOING!" said Kunzite. "And I know you're just trying to push my buttons, but it's not going to work. Zoisite is alive now, you can't use him being dead against me!"

"Can't I?" said Prince Endymion. He pulled out a snapshot of Zoisite being killed by Beryl. "Brings back memories, doesn't it?"

"NO!" said Kunzite.

Kunzite charged up an energy blast. He wasn't going to take this abuse anymore. But then he spotted the huge poster hanging from his wall.

"Big Beryl is Always Watching," it read, and had a pair of Beryl's eyes. They narrowed at him.

Kunzite dropped the energy ball. "One of these days I'll be rid of you!"

"As if," scoffed Endymion. "Thanks for the popsicles," he said walking out.

"Popsicles?" questioned Kunzite to himself.

He checked his fridge. "NO!" he cried. "He took all the cherry ones! Zoisite's not gonna like this turn of events one bit!"

* * *

"WHYYYYYYYYYY?!" cried Zoisite. "Not only did he eat my popsicles, but he also went around as some sort of Muslim and said I was a disgrace to his kind!"

"Huh?" asked Kunzite. "When did this happen?"

"In the hall on the way here."

"That's odd," said Kunzite. "Mamoru was just here a few minutes ago as Prince Endymion."

"So he converted to Islam and then converted back in a matter of minutes?" wondered Zoisite.

"Something's amiss here," decided Kunzite.

They teleported to Jed.

Jadeite was playing the Sailor V game with Mamoru Chiba in green sweater and Motoki.

"Hey, Chiba!" yelled Kunzite. "You have some nerve, taking all our popsicles!"

"And calling me a disgrace to Islam!" added Zoisite.

"What are you nutbars talking about?" asked Mamoru. "And why are you not wearing human clothes to play at an arcade?"

"We're not here to play!" shouted Kunzite. "We're here to get our revenge!"

He picked up Mamoru by the shirt collar.

"Hey, watch it!" yelled Mamoru.

"GET YOUR HAND OFF HIM!" cried Motoki.

Zoisite shot a laser beam at Motoki, and he was no more.

"What's you guys' problem?" demanded Jadeite. "They haven't done anything wrong!"

Kunzite ignored him.

"STOP IT!" cried Jadeite. "They were just playing peacefully with me at the arcade and you come up and attack them, and kill my good pal Motoki!"

Zoisite wasn't in on the ignoring Jadeite game, so he responded. "Mamoru just came by our house to harass Kunzite, and he hurt Kunzite's feelings!"

"No he didn't!" lied Kunzite, who was still crying.

"…No," said Jadeite. "He's been right here for the last few hours playing games with me!"

Kunzite and Zoisite looked at each other confused.

Just then, Nephrite walked into the arcade.

"I thought I'd find you guys here," he said. "Has Mamoru been harassing you all too? I was just walking down the street with my gal when he threw a rose at me out of nowhere. It missed by a mile, but still. What's his game? I almost killed him, but I had mercy in his final moments."

"You guys are all out of your gourds," said Mamoru Chiba. "Is this the nutbar convention? Stop using me as a scapegoat, Negascum!"

"Wait," said Zoisite. "So you don't believe in the five pillars of Islam?"

"Not particularly," said Mamoru.

"Have you ever?"

"Nah, not really…"

"This proves it!" exclaimed Zoisite. "We must have a meeting at once!"

* * *

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite.

Beryl didn't respond.

They waited.

"Beryl," said Nephrite.

"Yes, Nephrite?" asked Beryl.

"Hey!" said Jadeite. "What are you, deaf? Stupid idiot…"

"JAD-" began Beryl angrily. "Shit!" she cried.

"HAHA!" yelled Jadeite.

Beryl put him in an ice cube.

"Don't worry," she told the others. "He'll thaw out in a couple minutes."

"Darnit," said Kunzite. "Anyway, we have concluded that there are four separate forms of Mamoru Chiba running around rampant!"

"Wait, hang on," said Beryl, taking a deep breath. "You mean to tell me… there's FOUR Mamorus?!"

"Yes," said Kunzite slowly.

"HOT DOGGITY DOOGGITY!" howled Beryl at the top of her lungs. "DReaMS REALLY DO COME TRUE!"

She pulled out four Master Balls. "I gotta catch em' all!"

After dancing around the room for ten minutes while the Shitennou watched, Beryl calmed down a bit.

"Wait, why are there four though? Zoisite said when he turned off Mamoru's brainwash pod a couple of months ago that everything was fine!"

"Well actually," said Zoisite. "And you are gonna get a kick out of this!"

Beryl narrowed her eyes.

"I MAY have gotten just a tiny bit distracted… And I MAY have left him in there just a teensy drop too long!"

"How long?" asked Beryl.

"Oh, you know, how many days ago since you told me to turn it off? Because I turned it off today. And all that was left was a pile of ashes."

"ZOISITE!" howled Beryl. "This is the boiler all over again!"

"Yeah, I don't know why you keep trusting me to do stuff," said Zoisite with a shrug.

"I didn't!" said Beryl. "I assigned the task to Kunzite!"

"Uh oh," said Kunzite.

"Kunzite, is this true?" asked Zoisite.

Kunzite was nowhere to be seen.

"Hmph," said Beryl. "Since he's stronger than me, I'll let him off with a warning. But as for you, Zoisite!"

"Mmhmm?" asked Zoisite, writing out his will.

"Wait!" said Kunzite returning. "I can explain."

"Okay," said Beryl.

"Well, my back hurt that day, and it was a long teleport to Metalia's room. But I take responsibility for my actions. Punish me instead!"

"Come on Kunzite, we both know I can't do that," said Beryl. "But I think someone should die for this!"

"Why?" asked Jadeite. "Aren't you happy there's four Mamorus?"

"You can kill Jadeite," offered Kunzite when Beryl ignored him.

"Who?" asked Beryl.

Kunzite sighed.

"Come on," said Nephrite. "Aren't you happy there's four Mamorus?"

"You raise a good point," said Beryl nodding. "But we can't have them running around like this. You four go out and gather all my Chibas. That's an order!"

"Yes, m'queen" they all said in unison. They headed off.

* * *

"Now how are we going to gather all four Mamorus?" asked Jed.

* * *

"Help!" yelled Sailor Moon. "I'm hanging from this crane over here!"

Zoisite coughed. "This is a hard voice to pull off. It was way easier in the dub. And hanging from this crane isn't a picnic either."

All four Mamorus crept up on all fours, like alley cats going to an open tuna can.

They sniffed out their surroundings, and slowly approached with caution.

"Is this a trap?" asked Tuxedo Mask.

"I don't think so," said Mamoru Chiba.

"Allulloo Akbuu," said the Moonlight Knight.

"Yeah, I agree," said Prince Endymion. "We have to save Sailor Moon!"

They all flew up into the air and grabbed Zoisite.

"Hey, watch it!" said Zoisite in an obvious guy's voice.

They landed down and gathered around Sailor Moon.

"Are you okay?" asked Mamoru Chiba.

Zoisite stood up and stabbed Mamoru Chiba. Then he continued to stab the rest of them all in a row.

"Sailor Moon, why?!" they all cried in unison.

"Haha," laughed Zoisite. "Too easy."

Kunzite put them in a bubble.

"There we go," chortled Kunzite.

The Mamorus threw themselves into the wall of the bubble with their good shoulder. It wasn't enough.

"How could we fall for this again?!" asked Tuxedo Mask.

"How'd we fall for that crystal thing?" asked Mamoru Chiba.

"Allulloo," said the Moonlight Knight.

Kunzite closed in the bubble. "Any last words, Chibas?"

"Wait, no, we can't kill them," said Zoisite. "Beryl will kill me four times in a row!"

"Don't worry," said Kunzite. "I'm just going to keep closing it until they run out of air and pass out."

"I don't know," considered Zoisite. "Maybe we could kill just one… how about the Sheik of Baghdad?"

"Good idea," said Nephrite. "We'll just tell Beryl it was an accident!"

"Brilliant!" said Jed.

"So we all agree?" asked Zoisite.

They nodded.

The bubble was now very small, and the Chibas were starting to drop like flies.

"Looks like we win!" said Kunzite.

Just then, a rose flew right through both of his hands.

"SON OF A BERYL!" cried Kunzite. "Every time! This hurts like hell!"

The bubble faded away, and all the Chibas ran off like a bunch of chickens.

"NO!" said Kunzite.

"They're getting away!" yelled Zoisite.

Jadeite ran after the weakest one he could spot, base form Mamoru Chiba in the green sweater.

He threw himself at Mamoru, but Mamoru leapt into the air, dodging his tackle. He scampered off.

"Drat!" said Jadeite. "Almost had em!"

"Who did this?!" demanded Kunzite. "All the Mamorus were in the bubble!"

"Not all of them!" said the hologram of King Endymion.

"YOU!" shouted Zoisite.

"Haha," said the hologram, before fading away back to the future.

"How did I get hit by a hologram?!" questioned Kunzite. "But it's too late now," he decided.

"Beryl's not gonna like this," said Nephrite.

"Don't worry," said Kunzite. "We'll just buy her a Tuxedo Mask plushie to get us some time."

* * *

Jadeite handed Queen Beryl the plushie.

"Thanks," said Queen Beryl, realizing that she had blown her ignoring streak. She decided to act like she forgot about it.

She tossed it into the pile of Tuxedo Mask plushies next to her throne.

"You're not going to be able to escape death too many more times with this," she warned.

They all nodded.

"Now get out of my sight!" shouted Beryl. "And don't come back without my Mamo-chans!"

* * *

"This is the end," said Nephrite. "We only have a couple more plushies left."

"What do we do?" asked Jadeite. "How will we be able to round up all the Mamorus again? He definitely won't fall for that trick a third time! You know what they say, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me!"

"I wouldn't be so sure," said Zoisite. "I think we should go for it!"

"We can't," said Kunzite sadly. "They banned us from the shipyard for tampering with the crane."

"Tartar sauce," said Jadeite.

"We could offer him a challenge," said Zoisite. "Winner take all!"

"Winner take all what?" asked Kunzite.

"Eh, it doesn't matter," said Zoisite. "He won't remember to ask."

"There's one problem with that," said Nephrite. "We don't know where the Muslim one lives."

"We're going to have to check the whole Middle East," said Jadeite.

"Wait, that might not be necessary," said Kunzite. "I know how to lure him out without doing anything!"

* * *

The Shitennou sat on a bench minding their own business.

Suddenly, all four Mamorus crept up behind them to harass them and ruin their time.

The Shitennou took out a huge fishing net and trapped them in it.

"Easy," said Jed.

"That was a great plan," Jadeite told Kunzite.

Kunzite didn't respond.

"Oh yeah, that was a good one!" agreed Zoisite.

"Gee, thanks!" said Kunzite.

"Yeah, good work!" said Nephrite.

"Thanks again! You two are the best!"

Jadeite was done. He tore open the net, and all four Mamorus skittered away like mice.

"NO!" shouted Kunzite. "Jadeite, why would you do this?!"

"HAHAHAHA I MADE YOU NOTICE ME!"

"Why I oughtta…!" said Kunzite.

FIN


	132. Trash Pt 3

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Ok, what is it?" asked Queen Beryl.

"I found out that humans put a lot of energy into throwing away garbage."

"Go on…" said Beryl.

"So, if we fill their houses with garbage, they'll have to keep cleaning!"

"Go on…"

"And then..."

"Go on..."

"We will leap out and STEAL THEIR ENERGY!"

"Go on..."

"No that's it."

"Go on..."

"No like that was the whole plan."

"I see. Hmm…" said Beryl. "I feel like I've heard this plan before. A long, long time ago. Like, exactly a year ago."

"Strange," said Jadeite. "It took me all night to come up with that one. Oh well, back to the drawing boards."

"No, wait," said Beryl. "I remember you trying this, but I don't remember how it went. This has potential. Go grab your bud Nephrite, and put this plan into action immediately!"

"Why Nephrite?" asked Jadeite.

"I don't know," said Beryl. "It just feels right."

"Alrighty then," said Jed. "Catch ya on the flip side!"

"Shut it," said Beryl.

* * *

They stepped into the first house.

"I wonder who lives here," mused Jadeite. "I bet it's a known character."

"How much do you bet?" asked Nephrite. "I'll put 20 negabucks on the table that it isn't!"

"You're playing a game you don't know much about," said Jadeite, shaking his head.

"What is this, Austrian rules?" asked Nephrite.

"What does that even mean?!" demanded Jadeite. "This whole time, and I still haven't gotten what it meant!"

Nephrite shook his head. "You're playing a game you don't know much about."

They noticed a framed picture.

"Jadeite, you're in this picture!" exclaimed Nephrite.

"That can't be right," said Jadeite. "I've never been in a picture before in my life!"

Jadeite examined the portrait of Motoki and his long lost girlfriend Reika. "That doesn't look like me at all!"

"Ehh," said Nephrite. "I see a strong resemblance. That could definitely be confusing to first time viewers."

Jadeite pulled out a garbage bag. "Well shit," he said.

"What is it?"

"Look at this pace! It's a mess! I don't think he'll clean up trash no matter how much we through down!"

"Drat," said Nephrite. "Let's go steal Molly's love energy."

"No, not yet," said Jadeite. "I still have faith in this plan after all these years!"

They teleported to a local temple.

"See, look," said Jadeite. "I already hit this joint before. Taking their energy will be like taking candy from a baby!"

Jadeite poured trash all over the temple.

"ez gg!" he chuckled.

Just then, two feral crows flew out of nowhere and each latched on to one of Jadeite's arms.

They flew off into the distance, and Nephrite made no effort to chase after him.

"He'll be fine," he assured himself.

Jadeite was leaving the stratosphere as the crows continued to drag him through the atmosphere showing little fatigue.

"This is my end," said Jadeite.

And it was, because the crows sacrificially flew directly into the sun.

Not a trace of Jadeite remained, except for a solar flare caused by his death.

Nephrite watched with sunglasses on.

"RIP," he said.

Nephrite was still at the temple waiting for them to clean up the garbage so he could get the energy.

"It's what Jadeite would have wanted," he thought.

Just then, Chad came outside.

"SHyaaaa yaaa braaaaaaaa!" He got in his battle stance.

"You wanna rumble?" asked Nephrite.

"SHYAAAA YAAAAAAAAA BRAAAAAAAAAA!"

Chad through a swift karate chop, and it was a direct hit.

Unfortunately, it had no effect on Nephrite.

Nephrite threw a punch to Chad's stomach, and while his fist was still in contact with Chad, he shot an energy blast out of it, finishing him off.

Twenty minutes later, Rei came out.

"Chad! No! You're gonna pay for that!"

"So are you gonna clean this mess up or not?" asked Nephrite.

"Mars Fire Ignite!" shouted Rei.

Nephrite put his arm up and tanked through the attack. "Easy sauce," he said.

Rei used her last ditch effort, the slip of paper.

She tossed one on Nephrite.

"What is this, a fortune cookie?" he asked.

He crumpled up the paper and threw it on the ground.

"You're just adding fuel to the fire, kid," he said.

Mars made a flee.

Nephrite shot her down.

"Wait a second," realized Nephrite. "How am I going to collect energy if they're all dead?"

Suddenly Grandpa marched out. "Not all of them," he stated.

Grandpa cracked his neck and it made a piercing sound that caused Nephrite's ear drums to explode.

"You're going to get beaten, and beaten badly," said Grandpa.

"What?" asked Nephrite. "Can you speak up?"

Suddenly Grandpa stepped into the light, and Nephrite knew he was done.

* * *

Grandpa scampered into Kunzite's castle covered in blood.

"Easy does it," he said, drying the blood off his bare chest. He had taken his clothes off in the thrill of fight.

He climbed up to Kunzite and Zoisite's room at the top of the castle, and curled up at the foot of their bed like a mutt.

He started wagging his tail, and Kunzite stirred in his sleep.

"Good boy," said Kunzite. "I'll take you for a walk tomorrow, Spot!"

Kunzite went back to sleep. Two minutes later he awoke with a start.

"Wait a minute, we don't have a dog!"

Grandpa bit Kunzite's leg.

"YOUCH!" yelled Kunzite, leaping out of his bed.

"Can you keep it down," said Zoisite waking up.

Zoisite spotted Grandpa at the foot of his bed.

"nnoooooOOOOOOOO!" he cried.

"I'll hold him off!" yelled Kunzite. "You take off and don't stop running!"

"Got it!" said Zoisite.

He leapt out the window.

Kunzite put up his fists. "Come at me, you hideous freak!" he shouted.

Grandpa came at him.

Kunzite threw a punch, but Grandpa deflected it and picked up Kunzite with his long tongue.

He dropped him, and he was dead before he even hit the floor.

Zoisite was still running in midair over the abyss like a cartoon.

"I hope Kunzite's okay!"

But Zoisite knew deep down that he probably wasn't.

"I have to get to Beryl!" thought Zoisite.

Just then, Grandpa flew up beside Zoisite on his Nimbus cloud. He was sitting pretzel legged, and smoking a pipe.

"mmmm," he said licking his lips.

Zoisite stopped in his tracks and made a wild U-Turn.

Grandpa spun around too, and decided to take out Zoisite then and there.

He rode through Zoisite like tissue paper, and Zoisite's remains fell into the abyss.

Grandpa road on to Queen Beryl.

* * *

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Grandpa. "I found a new source of energy!"

"That's great, Jadeite," said Beryl. "Wait a second, did you lose weight? And also lose your hair?"

"Yes," said Grandpa. "Like 500 years ago."

"Ah, I see," said Beryl. "You better go back to that trash scheme right now, or-"

Then it hit Beryl.

She realized that she would die much more brutally at the hands of Granpda, so she took out a pistol and finished herself off.

"Easy does it!" said Grandpa, sitting down in her chair. But then he remembered he had one lose end to tie up.

HE walked into Metalia's chambers.

"Hidy ho!" he called.

"Who dares enter my- uh oh!" said Metalia.

She burst open her bubble and took to the vents.

Grandpa inhaled like a vacuum, and Metalia didn't stand a chance.

Having absorbed Metalia, Grandpa was now unstoppable.

* * *

Grandpa got bored after taking over the galaxy. He needed a challenge.

He ripped off his shirt again, and tore through the gates of time and logic and marched straight into Hell.

"I hope the Shitennou were training this whole time, so that I at least a break a sweat!"

"Hey, you!" called the gatekeeper of Hell. "You need a pass to get in here!"

Grandpa laughed with little humor. He pulled out his scythe and killed the gatekeeper of Hell.

"Easy does it," he said.

He continued inside.

Meanwhile, the Shitennou, Beryl, and Metalia who was in her human form since this was Hell anyway, sat at a table playing monopoly with Satan himself.

"Shyaa yaa braaaa!" said Chad. "I win!"

"Why is he in Hell?" asked Jadeite.

"He killed hundreds of homeless men so he could be the top homeless bum," answered Satan.

"Shyyaaaa yaaaa!" agreed Chad. "Now pay up!"

Satan pulled out his wallet and handed Chad a twenty.

"What is this money, anyway?" asked Nephrite, examining a ten dollar bill.

"Those are souls of the weak," said Satan. "We use that as currency around here."

"Good idea," said Kunzite.

Just then there was a rumbling.

"I didn't know we were having a guest over?" asked Satan in confusion.

Grandpa kicked down the door.

"Here's Grandpo!" said Grandpa.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Satan.

Grandpa fused with Metalia towered over 10 foot tall Satan. He knew he was gonesville, but wouldn't give up that easily.

He pulled out his pitchfork. "Let's go, old man!"

He threw it like a spear. It went straight through Grandpa.

"A direct hit!" yelled Kunzite.

Grandpa pulled out of his chest, and there wasn't a even a hole.

He snapped it in half, and threw the two pieces, killing Jadeite and Zoisite.

Grandpa grabbed Satan by the neck. "Any last words, big boy?" he asked.

Satan spit in his face in a last ditch effort, and Grandpa decided to snap his neck.

"Who's next?"

Kunzite hopped onto the monopoly board.

"No!" said Chad.

"This one's for Zoisite!" howled Kunzite, throwing his best energy ball.

Grandpa pulled out a tennis racket, and hit it back.

"No!" yelled Kunzite.

He put his cape to block the attack, but the cape was only made of cotton and it was no use.

Kunzite died.

Beryl, Nephrite, Metalia, and Chad headed for the hills.

But Hell was only flat land.

Grandpa slammed his scythe into the ground, sending out shockwaves that quickly caught up to them and erased them from existence.

* * *

10 minutes later, Jadeite was the first to respawn.

He saw Grandpa sipping tea, and tried to sneak away, when Grandpa stomped him like a bug.

Zoisite respawned next and met a similar fate.

One by one, they all respawned and got stomped.

"This isn't good," said Kunzite in his two seconds of life before the next stomp.

Grandpa took out his diamond sword and started spawnkilling them.

"This isn't fai-" yelled Jadeite.

"Screw you faggot!" howled Satan defiantly before getting stomped.

After 50 more times, they realized Grandpa wouldn't let up, so they decided to give up and let their souls drift down to Super Hell.

"Ok," said Satan once everyone respawned. "Let's all hide in case he comes down here!"

"Don't worry," said Super Satan. "I'll protect you."

"You don't know what you're up against," said Kunzite.

Jadeite however, had not yet accepted his fate of Super Hell, and respawned eight days later in Hell. But Grandpa was still waiting for him, and broke him like a toothpick.

Jadeite finally went to Super Hell.

"He's still there, huh?" said Nephrite.

"Yes," said Jadeite. "He's a persistent old buffoon."

"Hopefully he finally gets tired and leaves," thought Satan aloud.

Suddenly they heard a loud sound, like someone moving a rock.

"Oh no," said Beryl.

She pulled out his pistol and took herself out before the bloodshed.

"RIP," said Jadeite.

They all watched as Grandpa tore the ceiling into two pieces, giving him enough room to leap down.

"Ready or not, here I KILL!" shouted Grandpa.

Super Satan put on his battle gear and threw a punch.

He stood equal to Super Grandpa.

"He may just stand a chance," they all thought from the sidelines.

But when Super Satan's punch had no effect, they knew it was over.

Super Satan and Grandpa locked hands and yelled loudly.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!" they shouted.

But Grandpa overpowered Super Satan soon after and threw a kick to his chest.

Super Satan fell over, crushing Satan along with Jadeite, Nephrite, and Chad.

Zoisite, Kunzite and Metalia flew up dodging Super Satan's dead carcass.

"Quick!" said Kunzite. "Fuse with me, Metalia!"

"Hmph," said Zoisite. "That's real cool, fuse with her instead of me!"

"I would if it would be any help," said Kunzite. "But we need some fire power!"

"Both of you fuse with me!" exclaimed Metalia.

"Wait," said Kunzite. "How are you in Hell if you're still fused with Grandpa?"

"He took my power and threw away my conscious," said Metalia sadly.

The three of them fused into Super KunziteZoisiteMetalia.

"Ok," said the Kunzite part of the being's consciousness. "We each have a Metalia, so the Metalia's cancel out. Which just means it's me and Zoisite vs Grandpa. Uh oh."

Grandpa backhanded them, and they were no more.

They all instantly went to Ultimate Hell, because they all knew they'd just get spawnkilled.

"Howdy," said Ultimate Satan. "We don't get a lot of visitors down here."

"Hello," said Super Satan. "It's been a while, old friend."

"I think we've met once before," said Satan.

"Father?" asked Chad.

"Hey, son!" said Ultimate Satan. "How went your mission to Earth to rid the world of the homeless."

"It was going good," admitted Chad. "Until that guy over there killed me!"

Nephrite shrugged.

The gatekeeper of Hell appeared at that moment.

"Hello, all. That crazy old man killed me down quite a few layers. He told me to tell you that he's coming for this layer next."

"This is getting out of hand," said Jadeite. "How does one old man possess this much power?"

"I have the reason," said Ultimate Satan. "Some 70,000 years ago, Grandpa, who was only a Pa back then, came to me and offered his soul for immortality. He had a very strong soul, so I made the trade. However, after he got his immortality, he took his soul back, because I couldn't kill him."

"That's too bad," said Zoisite.

"If we don't stop him, he'll!" began Ultimate Satan.

"He'll what?" asked Nephrite.

"I don't know," said Ultimate Satan. "But I don't want to find out."

The ceiling above started to shake.

"NO!" yelled everyone.

Beryl pulled out her pistol, but Metalia stopped her.

"Wait," said Metalia. "Look, the ceiling's not crumbling."

"Aha!" said Ultimate Satan. "I knew it was worth the investment to have invincible ceilings! Grandpa can't get to us now! We'll be safe in Ultimate Hell!"

"That's a relief," said Jadeite. "So what's the conditions of this place anyway?"

"Four meals a day, living sized apartments, trash day is Tuesday. That's about it," said Ultimate Satan. "It's only slight worse than Super Hell tbh, which has trash day twice a week in case you forget."

"It will be a hard change," admitted Beryl. "But it's worth it."

Grandpa, meanwhile, was getting angry, and throwing punches at the ground with all his might. But they had no effect.

At that moment, Rei's crows appeared in Super Hell.

"Phobos! Deimos!" said Grandpa, greeting them warmly.

At first, the crows didn't recognize Grandpa with this new aura. But finally they recognized his voice.

They didn't know if he was friend of foe, and they didn't have time to find out. Grandpa absorbed them, but it still wasn't enough power to break through the ground.

"This won't do," said Grandpa.

Luckily for him, by absorbing the crows, he now had the ability of flight. He took to the stars and went to find his own Grandpa, Chaos.

* * *

After a few weeks of peace and quiet, the Shitennou, Beryl, Metalia, Chad, the Satans, and Hell's gatekeeper all adjusted to their living arrangements in Ultimate Hell.

"All's well that ends well," said Jadeite.

"Don't speak too soon," said Beryl. "Grandpa can come back any day."

"Don't be silly," said Nephrite. "You heard Ultimate Satan, he'll never break through that ceiling!"

Suddenly they heard the loud sound of a ceiling breaking.

"No," said Beryl. "It can't be."

Grandpa fell down from the ceiling with a black aura. He had merged with Chaos himself, similar to how he merged with Metalia.

He was now about 20 feet taller than Ultimate Satan, who stood a whopping 12 stories high.

"Jeepers creepers!" said Ultimate Satan.

Grandpa looked his way and he was no more.

Everyone scattered in different directions, but Grandpa had now become omniscient.

He targeted each of their locations with his mind, and with a single thought, they all ceased to exist.

However, by coincidence, he missed Jadeite, who hid himself under a rock.

"Good thing my power's already so low I can suppress it easily!" he thought.

Grandpa picked up the rock, and Jadeite clung to the bottom of it.

Grandpa shrugged and put it back down.

"Phew," thought Jadeite.

But Grandpa heard his thought, and extinguished him like a flame.

"There's no use in respawning in Ultimate Hell anymore," said Ultimate Satan in the stream of non-existence. "But there's also nothing below here… or so I've heard."

"Let's do it," said Jadeite.

Ultimate Satan gasped. "What?! You have to be crazy! If we go down there, and it's nothing, we'll all cease to exist for good."

"Eh," said Beryl. "It's better than getting spawn-killed by Gramps for eternity."

"I don't know," suggested Kunzite. "Let's just wait a thousand years and maybe he'll leave."

"A thousand years is nothing to man that's one billion years old!" cried Zoisite. "I'm with Jadeite on this one!"

Jadeite gushed.

"Besides," said Metalia. "Remember the first time we waited a thousand years to respawn back to the living world. That was no picnic, it felt like so long!"

"Yep, I can't give up junk food and booze for that long," said Nephrite.

"Let's do it," said Super Satan.

"I agree," said Satan.

"Alright," said Beryl. "On three. One, two…"

* * *

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

Queen Beryl looked around. "What the….?"

Sitting in her throne room was her Shitennou, Queen Metalia blob form, and all three Satans, along with everyone else from Hell.

"Huh?!" asked everyone else.

"We're back in the Negaverse!" exclaimed Nephrite. "But how!?"

"Can it be?" asked Ultimate Satan. "But I guess it is. The Negaverse exists on a plane that's directly below Ultimate Hell."

"Well how about that," said Jadeite.

"I knew it," said Metalia. "I knew this place was even worse than Ultimate Hell!"

"Looks like we win again," said Kunzite.

There was a knock on the door.

"Oh boy," said Beryl. "Time for round 20!"

She took out her pistol and fired, but it was all out of bullets.

"Darnit," she said.

Grandpa walked in. "Hey guys. Who wants to go first?"

"No," said Jadeite.

"What was that?" asked Grandpa in shock.

Kunzite was about to charge, but restrained himself.

"I said, no!" shouted Jadeite. "We won't be a victim to your random smackdowns anymore! We will stand up, and we will fight!"

"Ha!" said Grandpa. "That hasn't worked the last 80 times. What makes you think you'll stand a chance?"

"Everyone, give me your energy!" exclaimed Jadeite. "That's the new source I was talking about as we fell in here!"

"No?" said Nephrite. "But instead, what if we all fused?"

"That might work!" said Ultimate Satan. "Satan Trinity Fusion!" he shouted.

The three Satans did the three way fusion dance, and became one Supreme Satan.

"That's our queue," said Beryl looking at Metalia.

Metalia sighed. She turned into Super Beryl.

"Actually I'm not so sure about this," said Jadeite.

But Super Beryl grabbed the four Shitennou and ate them.

Chad and the Hell gatekeeper fused together.

"Shyaaaa!" said Hell keeper Chad. "I think I'll stay this way from now on!"

Supreme Satan absorbed them, and then absorbed Super Beryl + Shitennou.

They became one huge being of pure evil.

"Finally," said Grandpa. "A good challenge. I might actually break a sweat!"

They both charged.

It was a long battle, a violent one, which lasted for two millenniums.

In the end, Grandpa was floored by his own ego.

He got too arrogant and didn't go to his full power soon enough, so by the time he reached his true form, the Supreme Fusion had beaten him down so much that he couldn't maintain it.

"Riperoo," said Grandpa to himself.

He took out a pistol and shot himself.

"We did it," said the Supreme Fusion. "Now how do we un-fuse?"

FIN

"Mmm," said Prince Endymion. "I'm glad I didn't come to work that day!"

 **A/N: Thanks to everyone who has been reading this story! It's been a whole year since we first posted it, but it really doesn't feel like it. I'm so happy we were able to keep it going this long, and looking back at old chapters brings back so many good memories. We hope you'll continue to enjoy this fanfic as much as we enjoy writing it, for many years to come!**


	133. Nephrite Gets Fed Up

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Jadeite," she replied. "How would you feel if I just came up to you every day when you were just trying to relax, and started spouting stuff about new sources of energy?"

"It would be a dream come true, m'lady!" exclaimed Jadeite.

"Go to your room," said Beryl.

"Whyhhyy?!" cried Jadeite.

"For sassing me," explained Beryl.

"But Beryl," began Jadeite.

Beryl backhanded Jed.

He whimpered and crawled out the door.

Queen Beryl felt bad. "I'll just give him a goody bag next time I see him."

* * *

Jadeite stood on his legs and continued to walk. "Another day another dollar," he sighed.

He passed Nephrite on the way down the hall.

"Where are you going?" asked Nephrite.

"To my dark space I call home," said Jadeite. "How bout you?"

"The usual," replied Nephrite. "You know, the soda machine."

Jadeite nodded knowingly. "Don't ever change."

Nephrite watched Jadeite walk away in confusion. "That kid has issues."

Nephy continued to the soda machine.

When he got there, he automatically pulled out a dollar seventy-five.

By memory, he hit the D and then 6 button without looking up.

But instead of a bag of Cheetos, out came a bag of fruit snacks.

Nephrite did a double-take.

"WHHHAAAAAT?! Did they change the numbers?" he wondered.

He scanned desperately for where they moved the bag of Cheetos. But every single slot was the same bag of fruit snacks.

"NO!" cried Nephrite.

He sprinted to Beryl's room at top speed.

He passed Zoisite as he ran by, and Zoisite was thrown into the wall by the force of his speed.

"Owowowowowowow…!"

Nephrite entered the room waving his hands frantically and moving his mouth rapidly.

Beryl was confused, but then the sound caught up to her.

"BERYL BERYL BERYL! WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE SODA MACHINE?!"

"Oh, that?" recalled Beryl. "Metalia says you four were starting to get a little chunky, so she replaced the usual food with healthy snacks."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Nephrite falling to the floor. He started crying a river of tears.

"That soda machine was my only will to live!"

Zoisite rowed in on a rowboat that floated atop Nephrite's tears.

"Why is Nephrite crying?" asked Zoisite giddily. "Did you give me his job?"

"Why would I do that?" asked Beryl. "Why wouldn't I give it to someone better than him if he couldn't handle it?"

"Why I oughtta…!" said Zoisite.

"THE SODA MACHINE!" howled Nephrite. "WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY! MY BABYYYYYY! It's almost like he was the fourth Shitennou!"

"There already is a fourth Shitennou," reminded Beryl.

"Did Jadeite get promoted?" asked Nephrite.

"A long time ago," said Beryl.

"D'ah," said Nephrite. "Well I like the soda machine more than Jadeite."

"So do I," said Beryl. "But unfortunately it can't move so it can't get me energy. Well I mean, I suppose it would still get more than Jadeite, but-"

"Beryl," said Jadeite walking in. "How come I always hear my name getting thrown around as I approach this room? I used to think you were telling the others of my successes, but once I realized I didn't have any successes I began to assume you were talking bad about me!"

"Of course we are," said Zoisite. "Now grab a life vest or you'll drown in Nephrite's tears."

Jadeite put a life vest on. "Yikes, what's got you feeling down, man?"

"SO….. DA!" Nephrite sputtered in between sobs.

"Come on Queen B.," insisted Jadeite. "Can't you just put his junk food back?"

"I don't have the jurisdiction," said Beryl. "It would have to get approved by Metalia."

"Then I quit!" shouted Nephrite, jumping to his feet.

"See ya," said Zoisite.

"I'll miss you," said Jadeite.

"Oh no you don't," said Nephrite, grabbing Jadeite by the shirt collar. "You're quitting with me!"

"How will I support my family?!" cried Jadeite. But then he remembered. "Ok, let's go."

"Fine, quit!" shouted Beryl. "See if I care!"

Nephrite and Jadeite walked out.

"They'll be back in an hour," said Beryl confidently.

"I don't know," said Zoisite. "They seemed pretty upset."

"Nah, they'll get over it."

* * *

One year later…

Kunzite went to walk into Beryl's palace.

He was stopped out front.

"Where do you think you're going?" asked Nephrite.

"To work?" stated Kunzite.

"No no no," said Nephrite. "Jadeite, tell him!"

"Well… I.. umm… we…" muttered Jadeite.

Kunzite picked both of them up with one hand and tossed them to the side.

"Bunch of bozos," he scoffed.

"You'll understand soon!" shouted Nephrite as Kunzite left.

Zoisite went to enter a few minutes later.

Nephrite and Jadeite jumped in his way.

"Don't hurt me!" cried Zoisite. "I need to work to support my three kids!"

"Jadeite, read the sign!" commanded Nephrite.

"Oh yeah, yeah!" said Jadeite, reaching in his pocket for his picket sign.

"Negaverse FUNFAIR!" he shouted.

Nephrite signed. "UNFAIR, not FUNFAIR."

"Ohhhhhhhh," said Jadeite. "Can I have some white paint?"

Zoisite crouched under their picket line and snuck inside.

"He's getting away!" yelled Nephrite.

Nephrite and Jadeite chased after Zoisite in a mad sprint, and Zoisite took off.

Jadeite leaped on top of Zoisite and took him to the ground.

"NO!" cried Zoisite. Zoisite kicked Jed in the face and scampered away.

"I almost had him!" said Jadeite. "But he's just too slippery!"

They went to take another step forward, but were stopped by Beryl's security.

"You protesters can't cross this line!" shouted security.

"Watch me!" said Nephrite. He slugged the security guard.

His hat flew off, revealing him to be none other than Grandpa, champion of the Negaverse.

All the color drained from Nephrite's face.

"We didn't mean anything by that, right Jadeite?!"

He turned to his side but Jadeite was gone.

Grandpa narrowed his eyes.

Nephrite slowly picked up the hat from the floor, dusted it off, and put it back on Grandpa's head.

He slowly tiptoed backwards, until Grandpa was out of his sight, and then he sprinted away.

Grandpa shook his head. "Rotten kids."

* * *

Jadeite relit the bonfire.

"Why do we have to sleep out here?" he wondered aloud.

"In case any Negaverse workers try to sneak in for the night shift!" Nephrite explained. "And also Beryl threw you out since you're not working there anymore."

"D'ah, I forgot," said Jadeite. "Good thing I didn't have any possessions."

A car drove by, and it slowed down to read their signs.

Nephrite perked up.

Some of the signs included "Down with Beryl!" and "Junk food doesn't make people fat, bad employers do!"

A large banner read, "Honk if you hate oppression!"

The car honked.

"Booyah!" said Nephrite.

Prince Endymion got out of the car and walked inside.

"Hey, wait!" yelled Nephrite.

Nephrite and Jadeite sprinted after him.

Jadeite threw himself like he did at Zoisite, but Endymion side-stepped and Jadeite threw himself into the ground.

Nephrite was about to reach him as he walked through the door, but Grandpa stepped in the way.

Nephrite went to back off, but Grandpa wasn't gonna let it slide again.

He picked up Nephrite and kicked him all the way back into Jadeite, who was trying to make a break for it out the door.

They both tumbled outside.

"Don't worry," said Jadeite encouragingly. "We'll make a difference sooner or later!"

* * *

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Zoisite. "No new news on the Silver Crystal today, but I'm sure I'll get some tomorrow!"

"Zoisite!" howled Beryl. "Are you even trying?!"

"Yes!" cried Zoisite. "I'm working all day every day!"

"Then y u no crystal?!"

"You know Beryl, I'm starting to think this Silver Crystal doesn't even exist yet," said Zoisite. "Like what if Queen Serenity separated it into 7 different parts or something?"

"You have lot to learn, Zoisite!" shouted Beryl.

"Can't you ask Metalia for a lead or something?" Zoisite asked.

"No," said Beryl. "We don't want to wake her from her sleep until next arc. She gets cranky when she's woken."

"Hmm," said Zoisite.

"Hmm," said Beryl.

"You know Beryl," began Zoisite. "At first I was happy when I got Nephrite's job, but now I realized it's not all it cracked up to be. I think we should hire some new employees."

"Hmm," said Beryl. "That might work. But how are we going to find someone as qualified to be in the Great Shitennou?"

* * *

"Who are these two?" asked Zoisite.

"They're a couple teenagers I snagged by the school," explained Beryl.

"Hidy ho," said Melvin.

"Grrr," said Molly.

"Oh no, just when I thought I would have no more foes to deal with!" cried Zoisite.

Kunzite teleported in.

"I don't know about this," he stated. "Last time we had Melvin as a Shitennou it didn't end well."

"He's learned his lesson, I think," said Beryl. "I mean I hope."

Melvin nodded. "You won't need to lure me into a hole with shrimp this time! I mean I hope."

Beryl sighed. "Just go find me that crystal!"

"K," said Molly. She teleported off with Melvin in a joint cloud of shrimp.

"Mmm," said Kunzite. He picked up a shrimp and ate it. "Not too shabby."

"Beryl," said Zoisite.

"Zoisite," said Beryl.

"Don't you think our new employees shouldn't be regular humans?"

"Zoisite," said Beryl. "You have a lot to learn."

* * *

Beryl retreated to her private quarters.

She made a hot bubble bath.

"Mmm," she said.

She opened the bathroom cabinet and pulled out all the snacks she confiscated from the soda machine.

She opened a bag of Cheetos and got in the tub.

"This is the life," she sighed blissfully.

Suddenly, the water started draining from the tub.

"Huh?" she asked in shock.

Out from the drain popped Melvin.

"Hidy ho!" he said.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Beryl.

Melvin pulled himself out of the drain and into the tub.

"Oh boy, can I have a Cheeter?"

"NO!" cried Beryl. "Get out of the tub!"

"You heard her, Moll," said Melvin. "Let's get out of here."

"Aww, awwlright," said Molly, climbing out of the drain too. They walked away.

"Finally," groaned Beryl. "Some peace and quiet."

Zoisite walked into the bathroom.

"Hey Beryl. Since Nephrite isn't at his house anymore, he hasn't restocked on food. Can I have some grub from your snack cabinet?"

Beryl sunk into the water and blew bubbles angrily out her nose.

"I'll take that as a yes?"

Zoisite looted her snack cabinet for a while.

Finally Beryl got agitated and yelled "GET OUUUUUT!"

"Ah, okay," said Zoisite, settling for a fig newton pack. "And put some bubbles on, no one wants to see that!"

"GRRRRRRRRRR!" shouted Beryl.

"Hey Beryl," said Kunzite marching in. He had a shower cap on and a rubber ducky in his hand. "Is it bath time already? Can I have the honor of washing your back?"

Beryl teleported away in a fury.

"This is bad," she thought. "Usually it's just Kunzite and Zoisite bugging me, while Jed and Neph kept to themselves. Now I have FOUR people annoying me during my private hours!"

* * *

A tumbleweed rolled passed Nephrite and Jadeite's picket line.

"No one is taking this path to the castle anymore," sighed Jadeite. "We might have to spread out and get all the entrances."

"This will never do," declared Nephrite. "We have to be on the offensive. Let's take our picket inside!"

"But how?!" asked Jadeite. "Grandpa's guarding the door!"

"He can't be guarding all of them," smirked Nephrite.

Nephrite approached the Eastern entrance, while Jadeite scampered up to the Western door.

"Grandpa can't be guarding both doors," thought Nephrite as he closed in. "I feel sorry for poor Jed."

Nephrite did not see anyone at his door, so he started making a mad dash inside.

But suddenly someone was breathing down his neck.

"NO!" he cried.

He turned around and did the only thing he could think of, and threw a punch.

Grandpa caught it and then shook his head.

"Mmm mmm mmm," he said.

"Grrrr," thought Nephrite. "Why'd I have to be the one to get Grandpa?!"

* * *

Jadeite heard Nephrite's screams from the other side of the castle.

"Phew, I guess he was the one who got Grandpa. Looks like it's smooth sailing for me!"

He dashed inside, but was suddenly tapped on the shoulder by a pincer.

Jadeite turned around, and found himself face to face with a cross-eyed lobster.

"Gr-g-r-g-rgpg—r-gr- Grandpa?!"

"Rrr rarrr ar ar ar," roared the lobster.

Jadeite made a dash for it.

But Grandpa shot out his tongue like a projectile and wrapped it around Jadeite, pulling him back into his open gullet.

Jadeite and Nephrite were both tossed into the outside dumpster at the same instant.

"Grandpa threw me out," said Jadeite sadly. "Who threw you out?"

"Grandpa," said Nephrite. "Wait a minute. How…...?"

* * *

Nephrite was pacing around angrily outside.

"I think we should just give in," said Jadeite.

"No," said Nephrite. "It's been two years. Queen Beryl's practically on her death bed, she'll give in any time now!"

"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" howled Jadeite. "I'm going to go in and apologize and beg for my job back!"

Suddenly Zoisite marched out.

"Quick Jadeite, stop him!" cried Nephrite.

Jadeite threw himself, knocking Zoisite down.

"Youch!" cried Zoisite. "I was headed out, not in!"

"Doesn't matter," said Jadeite. "We haven't seen a single person in a year, we must spread our message to someone!"

"I just came out to tell you Beryl wanted to talk to you," said Zoisite.

"Ah," said Jadeite. "So she finally gave in! I knew she'd give in before us!"

"Well actually," began Nephrite.

They went inside.

Beryl had an uneasy expression on her face. "Hello, boys," she said. "I haven't seen you guys in a while."

"OH THANK YOU BERYL!" sobbed Jadeite. "I'LL DO ANYTHING FOR MY JOB BACK!"

Nephrite slugged him.

"I mean," said Jadeite. "We have several demands."

"Shut up and listen," said Beryl. "At first I thought you guys were the worst employees ever. But then I hired a couple of teenagers from the high school, and now I know the true value of the two of you."

"What's so bad about the teenagers?" Jadeite couldn't help but ask.

"THEY WON'T LEAVE ME ALONG!" howled Beryl.

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Melvin and Molly. "We found a new source of energy!"

"SEE WHAT I MEAN!?"

"Yeah, that must be annoying!" agreed Jadeite.

"So what would you say…" said Beryl slowly. "If I offered you your jobs back!"

Jadeite opened his mouth to sob with joy, but Nephrite put a sock in it.

"Wait just a second, BERYL!" said Nephrite. "We still have the issue of that soda machine!"

"No!" cried Beryl. "I like having all the junk food to myself!"

"Alright, then I guess we'll just leave…" said Nephrite.

He dramatically turned around.

"Alright, alright!" resigned Beryl. "How about I give you one slot in the healthy snack machine for your Cheetos?"

Nephrite replied with his poker face.

"But it will cost four dollars extra per bag."

"Ok," said Nephrite. "I'll take it."

"Fool!" thought Beryl. "You can buy 3 huge sacks of Cheetos from your local grocery for that much!"

Beryl tossed Neph and Jed their old uniforms.

"WHOPEEEEEEEEEEEE!" squeaked Jadeite.

"But… what about us?" asked Molly.

"Oh," said Beryl. "I have the perfect position for you two!"

* * *

Melvin and Molly swept the floor.

"Oy'm tired," said Molly.

Kunzite strolled by. "Keep working," he called.

"Yes sir!" they both said.

Melvin accidentally dropped some shrimp on the floor.

"Drat," said Melvin. "Now I have to work double-overtime!"

Nephrite walked passed them as well. He stopped. "Ask me where I'm going," he said.

"Where are you going?" asked Molly.

"THE SODA MACHINE!" exclaimed Nephrite. He leapt in the air victoriously and hovered there for a while. Finally he went on his way.

He automatically hit in D6 on the machine. "Just like old times," he said gleefully.

But out popped four healthy snacks.

"NO!" he cried. He scanned the soda machine, and found the Cheetos at D5.

"WAAAA! It's not the same!"

Nephrite marched into Beryl's throne room and threw down his nametag.

Beryl scoffed. "He'll be back in an hour."

Jadeite peaked his head back inside his house and locked his door. "Not this time, Nephboy."

Nephrite reached through the mail slot and grabbed Jadeite by the neck.

"D'ah," said Jadeite.

FIN


	134. Zoisite Sees The Light

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"And I've found the lord!" interrupted Zoisite.

"Huh?" said Beryl and Jadeite in unison.

Zoisite was dressed like a priest and was holding a copy of the Holy Bible.

"All are equal in the eyes of god," shared Zoisite.

"Is this some kind of joke?" asked Beryl.

"No," said Zoisite. "It all started when I was trying to steal the orange rainbow crystal. Me and this priest had a long chat, and he showed me the light. I have become devout Catholic."

"We don't accept your kind here," said Beryl. "I am your only god!"

"Blasphemy!" cried Zoisite. "You will pay for this in Hell!"

"I've been to Hell," said Beryl. "It wasn't too bad."

Zoisite gasped. "Queen Beryl, are you a Satanist?"

Beryl shrugged. "I've met the guy, I'm not his biggest fan."

"You've convened with the devil?!" shouted Zoisite. "You know not what you do!"

"Enough," said Beryl. "If you don't want to leave here in a body cast, I suggest you run along."

"Wait!" said Jadeite. "He has the right to express his religious values!"

"This isn't a democracy!" yelled Beryl. "You knew that when you voted me in as dictator!"

"But we didn't vote you in…" recalled Jadeite. "We actually voted for Kunzite, since he is the strongest."

"Exactly!" said Beryl. "That's because this isn't a democracy!"

"Don't worry, Beryl," promised Zoisite. "I'll save your soul somehow."

He ran along.

Jadeite shared his new source. He left to enact his scheme and was not seen for the rest of the chapter.

"Finally, some peace and quiet," said Beryl. "I'm glad I won't have to see Jadeite for the rest of the chapter…"

Beryl thought for a moment. "Hmm, I'm kind of thirsty…"

Zoisite ran through the doors. "Queen Beryl! I have brought you something to drink!"

"Thanks," said Beryl. She went to take a sip, but paused.

"This isn't soda, is it?" she asked.

"Nope," said Zoisite. "Just water."

"K," said Beryl. She took a sip.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" she screamed, spitting it out. Her skin started smoking. "THAT's NOT WATER!"

"It is," assured Zoisite. "Holy Water!"

"NOOOOO!" cried Beryl. "You fiend!"

"Be free!" cried Zoisite. He tried to give her more holy water but she backhanded him away.

"Get out of my Negaverse!" she howled.

"No, Queen Beryl. I care too much!"

Queen Beryl tied Zoisite to a torpedo and shot it out of the Negaverse. She boarded up the windows and chain-locked the door.

"D'ah," said Zoisite. "Now I have no place to stay. Wait, I know a good friend that will take in an ally of the church!"

* * *

"I've never been your friend, nor you mine!" said the doorbell when Zoisite rung it.

He waited.

He rung it twelve more times, then finally Nephrite's security system answered.

"Identify yourself," said the system.

"It's me, your good pal! Come on, let me in!"

The system scanned Zoisite.

Suddenly a giant laser appeared.

"Yikes!" said Zoisite.

He tried to flee, but the laser fled after him.

He tripped on a rock and he was no more.

However, because of his strong religious beliefs, he was resurrected and continued on his way.

"No home, no job…" thought Zoisite sadly. "I wonder how Kunzite's getting by in my absence."

* * *

"Are you enjoying your steak, M'Queen?" asked Kunzite.

"Why yes," said Beryl. "Thank you for taking me out on this date."

"It's the least I can do," said Kunzite. "Considering I'm a single man now."

Beryl sighed and tried her hardest to picture Mamoru's face on Kunzite. "It's just not the same," she said.

* * *

"Homeless and alone…" continued Zoisite. He pulled out a phonebook and looked up a recent acquaintance.

A few days later, Zoisite trekked to the address he had found.

"Greetings," said Zoisite.

The priest from episode 26 in the sub/22 in the dub opened the door.

"You monster!" he cried. "Stay away from me!"

"You have nothing to fear," said Zoisite. "The lord watches over us."

"Stay away!" repeated the priest. He took out a cross and held it out defensively.

"I appreciate the gesture," said Zoisite, pulling out his own cross. "Say, do you have a spare room?"

"No!" shouted the priest.

"B-but why?!" cried Zoisite. "Aren't we all supposed to honor our neighbors?"

"You're not my neighbor!" the priest shouted.

"B-but you're the one who showed me the way!" insisted Zoisite.

"I did?" asked the priest.

"Ye."

The priest shut his door.

"Dang," said Zoisite.

Suddenly, something in Zoisite's mind cracked, and he finally snapped.

He blasted open the door.

"Die, fool!" he shouted.

The priest leapt out of the way at the last second.

"I thought you saw the way of the lord!" cried the priest.

"Not anymore," said Zoisite. "I'm back to the way I was, all because of you!"

"Uh oh," said the priest. "About that spare room, I think I might actually be able to find you one…!"

"It's too late for that!"

The priest had no choice but to assume the form of the vampire winged boxer.

"Round one, and fight!" he howled.

Zoisite pulled out his bible that he no longer valued and chucked it at the priest, knocking him to the floor.

"Easy," said Zoisite.

Boxy stood to his feet.

"I was just warming up. Comin' atcha!"

He threw his fists like a projectile, and nailed Zoisite square in the head and simultaneously in the gut.

"Youch!" he yelled. "But I won't be defeated!"

Zoisite pulled the huge cross off the wall and threw it like a boomerang.

It impaled Boxy, but it missed all his vital organs.

Zoisite took this opportunity to charge with the fists of fury.

Boxy was sent tumbling out the window.

"He must be a goner," thought Zoisite. "This apartment is on the tenth story."

Zoisite poked his head out and looked down, but all he saw was Boxy flying at him with rapid speed.

"I forgot the wings!" cried Zoisite.

He got slugged right in the chops with a devastating upper cut.

"You can't beat me," stated Boxy. "I'm protected by the holy forces."

"You're in your Negaverse villain form," said Zoisite. "So why are you still acting like the priest?"

"Uh oh," said Boxy. "That means I'm not invulnerable."

"Come on, let's do this," said Zoisite. "The last round of this boxing match, fair and square."

"Okay," said Boxy. He rang the bell on his belt.

Suddenly Zoisite shot a crystal from behind him and he dropped like a boulder.

"Noooooo," said Boxy, de-transforming.

Zoisite ripped the boxing gloves off his corpse. "Aha, a new weapon! Time to eliminate all who have wronged me!"

* * *

Nephrite's doorbell rang again.

The security system instantly summoned its laser.

But Zoisite socked the laser.

"Haha," said Zoisite. He teleported home.

"Hey Kunzite!" he called. "I've converted back to my old ways. You were right when you said it was just a phase."

No one responded.

He went upstairs to see if Kunzite was napping.

When he entered, he spotted Kunzite and Beryl in his bed, in the throes of passion.

"NO!" cried Zoisite.

He threw himself into the void.

"Did you hear something?" asked Kunzite.

"No Mamoru," said Beryl.

Kunzite sighed. "It's not the best predicament, but I'll take it."

FIN


	135. The Shitennou Fight a Hurricane

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

Beryl sprung out of her chair like a jack-in-the-box and socked Jed in the throat.

"Youch!" said Jadeite, in a completely normal, non-dub-raspy voice. "Why?!" he yelled.

"You're welcome," said Beryl. "I couldn't stand that voice of yours anymore, so I fixed it!"

"Wow, thanks!" said Jadeite. "I don't even have to be evil anymore, I can do anything now!"

Beryl realized her mistake, and socked Jed in the throat again.

"No!" howled Jadeite in his DiC dub voice. "Gosh darnit."

"Haha," said Beryl. "Now you're stuck workin' for me."

"Tartar sauce," said Jadeite.

Queen Beryl turned on her favorite show, Uncle Grandpa. "Mmm," she said.

Jadeite stood there staring at Beryl as she watched that comedic masterpiece on her crystal ball.

She noticed Jadeite staring at her.

"What do you want?" demanded Beryl. "You're dismissed, leave!"

Jadeite continued to stand there.

"GOOOO!" she shouted, shooting a beam out of her crystal ball.

It trailed Jed as he ran out the door.

Beryl went back to her show. Suddenly, it was interrupted.

"Hello, we interrupt this program to bring you an important news announcement. There is an extreme hurricane warning for the following regions: Canadian Nunavut and Northwestern Territories, Norway, Northern Russia, Alaska, Greenland, the Arctic Ocean…"

"This doesn't concern me," scoffed Beryl. "Put the show back on!"

"The North Pole…" continued the announcer. "D-Point, C-Point, B-Point, A-Point…"

"Wait, hold up there!" said Beryl. "What was that?"

"D-Point," repeated the announcer.

"No!" said Beryl.

She summoned her greatest warriors.

Nephrite was on a tricycle with a lollipop.

"Hey!" he shouted. "I was only a mile away from the Starbuck's! What gives?!"

Zoisite was dressed up as Sailor Moon, and Kunzite as Tuxedo Mask.

"What the hell?" asked Nephrite looking over.

"We can explain," said Zoisite. "You see, there was a cosplay contest at our local elementary school, and-"

"Enough!" yelled Beryl. "Look at this!"

She held her ball out, but suddenly Uncle Grandpa came back on.

"I feel evil!" said Grandpa on the ball.

Beryl quickly shut it off. "Huh, looks like they switched my channel up on me! Anyway, a storm's a comin'!"

"NO!" yelled Jadeite.

"So?" asked Zoisite. "We're in the Negaverse. An over-world storm won't affect us."

"No no no no no," said Beryl, shaking her head. "This is a hurricane like no other!"

"How so?" asked Kunzite.

"Get that off!" shouted Beryl. "You remind me too much of my ex-lover in that disguise!"

Kunzite took off his Tuxedo Mask costume.

"Good job," said Jed.

Kunzite glared at him.

"What was the question?" asked Beryl.

"I said, how so?" repeated Kunzite.

"This hurricane is a category 26 storm."

"Does it even go that high?" asked Zoisite, whipping out his encyclopedia of hurricanes. "No," said Zoisite. "I think it only goes up to 24!"

"Pull down the slide," said Beryl.

Zoisite extended the graph. "Oh shit!" he cried. At the end of the graph was a skull and crossbones that said "26."

"Now you understand my worries," said Beryl.

They all nodded.

"Now listen," continued Beryl. "According to that announcement, it should be here very soon."

"How soon?" asked Nephrite, parking his trike and stepping off it.

"VERY!" screamed Beryl.

They all panicked.

"We have to fight it!" yelled Jadeite.

"Yeah!" agreed Kunzite. "It's no match for the Negapower!"

"I agree," agreed Beryl. "But we must proceed with caution. This hurricane is a superb soldier, we can't just attack it head on!"

Zoisite nodded in agreement. "Beryl is true strategist, smarter than I ever could have been."

"Before it hits, we need to gather supplies! You four, make a mad dash to the supermarket and grab everything you can! I'll board up the windows!"

"What windows?" asked Jadeite.

"No time to explain! RUUUUUUUN!" Beryl leapt out her throne and dashed off.

"Strange," said Jadeite. "I didn't know she could stand up. Her feet must have fallen asleep by now."

"Should we teleport to the store?" asked Nephy.

"No," said Kunzite. "The storm expects that. We must jog there so it cannot sense our power levels!"

They jogged through the North Pole rapidly.

"Damn," said Nephrite sweating. "I should have payed attention at gym class!"

They finally reached Tokyo and ran into the local K Mart.

"Everyone split up!" commanded Kunzite. "We must grab as much as we can!"

"Yes sir!" they shouted dashing off.

The supermarket was almost emptied because everyone had the same idea.

"No!" cried Nephrite when he reached the protein shakes. "This is my end! Without protein shakes, how will I survive?! I'll simply wither away!"

He fell to the floor in and started sobbing on the empty racks.

Zoisite, the smartest member of the team, went for the water.

There was only one gallon jug left, and someone else had their eye on it.

Motoki was only three feet from the jug, but although Zoisite was a full aisle away, he sprinted over at the speed of light.

He extended his arm, but Motoki snatched it.

"NO!" cried Zoisite.

"Wowee," said Motoki. "Sure gonna be quite a storm! Eh, better luck next time, right?"

Zoisite readied the beam. "You don't want this to end as it did last time," he said.

Motoki shuddered. "Alright, alright, you can have it, bud. I'll just fill up my jugs with toilet water before the plumbing breaks."

He handed Zoisite the jug.

Zoisite spawned a crystal and sniped him from the back.

"Hahahah, better safe than sorry," he said.

Meanwhile, Jed was dashing through the junk food aisle.

"No no n on o n ONO!" he sobbed. "They're all gone! WHYHYHYHYH!?"

He ran to the second best aisle, the cracker and similar snack aisle.

It wasn't as empty as the others. Nephrite and Zoisite had the same idea.

They were all in full panic now. The first item they spotted was Honey Maid graham crackers.

"QUICK!" hollered Zoisite. "Grab as many Honey Maid graham crackers as you can fit in the cart, and let's go!"

Jadeite ran down the aisle with his arm out, grabbing every single box of Honey Maid graham crackers in the store.

"What a steal," thought Nephrite.

They dashed over to the self-check-out, bowling through ten other people.

"QUICK!" hollered Zoisite. "Pass me the Honey Maid graham cracker boxes one by one as fast as you can!"

Zoisite scanned one box quickly, but on the next one he got stuck.

"Please place your items in the bagging area," said the machine.

"Not this again!" cried Zoisite. He desperately rotated the graham cracker box at every possible angle, but he had no luck.

"We don't have time for this!" yelled Nephrite. "Let's just leave some money and go!"

Kunzite laid down a blank check and they dashed from the supermarket.

Grandpa grabbed the blank check. "Mmm," he said. "Hey Rei, I'm headed for the bank!"

"Hurry!" exclaimed Rei. "The storm's coming!"

Grandpa started walking to the bank. But just then, he saw something in the distance.

"No…" he said. "NOOOOOOOOO!"

But the storm was too fast.

Grandpa took off in a mad sprint, but the storm grabbed him by the throat.

It tossed a car into his exposed gut, and he was no more.

"GRANDPA!" cried Rei. But she knew there was nothing she could do. She took shelter below the store, but the hurricane still found her.

"Mars Fire-"

But she couldn't even finish the attack before the hurricane Galaxia'd her to dust.

"Heh heh," said the hurricane. "And I haven't even taken my true form yet!"

* * *

The Shitennou ran all the way back to the North Pole while pushing the shopping cart.

"Jadeite!" howled Kunzite. "Get out of the kiddie seat!"

"But I don't wanna!" whined Jed.

Kunzite socked him and threw him to the ground.

They left him in their dust, and he had to try extra hard to catch up.

Finally they reached the Negaverse door.

They tried to get inside, but it was boarded shut.

"Beryl!" they howled. "Let us in!"

"Sorry, I just can't!" cried Beryl.

"But the storms coming!" they yelled.

"Exactly!" replied Beryl. "It's okay, you'll be missed."

They filled their arms with groceries and teleported inside.

Once they were in the safety of the Negaverse, they dropped all their Honey Maid graham crackers to the floor.

"Thank heavens!" cried Beryl. "You got the Honey Maids!"

"You were gonna let us die!" said Jed.

"Yes," said Beryl.

"D'ah," said Jadeite.

"Wow, you really boarded that thing up," said Nephrite, looking at all the items Beryl had shoved against the door. "Hey, is that Metalia's pod?"

"Yes," said Beryl. "It's a lot heavier than it looks."

"Hey, push me back to my cave!" shouted Metalia. "The hurricane will blow through me like a paper tiger!"

"That's too bad," said Beryl. "Come back when you can leave your bubble and I might take you seriously."

"Why I oughtta…!" said Metalia.

"Guys, we need to protect our queen!" said Jed. "Build a fort around her with the Honey Maid grahams!"

They started to build a fort around Beryl.

"Get that off of me!" she yelled, smacking the fortress to the ground. "There's no way the storm will get past big fat Metalia."

"That's where you're wrong," said Evil Endymion, sauntering in. "Don't underestimate that hurricane. It may look weak, but when push comes to shove, it's tougher than any she-lion!"

Beryl was dazed by his presence, and nodded in agreement.

"Wait a second," said Zoisite. "What about our house?!"

"I'm sorry," said Kunzite. "But there's nothing we can do now!"

"Wait a second," realized Nephrite. "I don't live here! Haha, see ya guys!"

He teleported back to his Earth mansion.

He sat down on the toilet. "Hey, since when did I have this outdoorsy wallpaper in my bathroom?"

He looked around. Nothing remained of his house except the toilet that was firmly planted on the ground.

"D'ah!" he said.

"Haha," said Melvin from the bushes. "You're going potty outside, like a caveman!"

Nephrite finished his business, and then charged Melvin like a wild hyena.

Melvin tried to run but it was no use.

Nephrite devoured his soul and left his body for the storm to finish off on its second wave through.

"Thanks," said the storm approaching.

Nephrite was frozen in shock for a moment, but at the last second he was able to teleport back to the Negaverse.

"Rip," said Nephrite.

"Haha," said Zoisite.

"Hey, your house is gonna be gone too!" barked Nephrite.

"At least I never had a house," said Jadeite.

But Zoisite was still shooken up. "I think I'm going to quickly teleport over there and grab a few possessions!"

"No!" said Kunzite. "You'll be killed!"

"The hurricane hasn't even reached here!" said Zoisite. "It will be no prob!"

Zoisite teleported in the house. "I'm gonna miss this place."

He quickly dashed about. He checked the fridge. "We'll need food first and foremost!"

He thought he heard the sound of the hurricane outside, and started to panic. He didn't know if it was his imagination or not, but he didn't want to find out. He grabbed whatever was in the cupboard and teleported back.

He laid on the floor panting.

"What'd you get?" asked Nephrite.

"Whatever I could find!" said Zoisite.

"No, Zoisite!" said Kunzite. "We already have enough Honey Maid graham crackers!"

"What?" asked Zoisite. He looked down. "NO!"

"Yes," said Beryl. "I'm starting to get sick of these," she said, eating another pack.

"Say, where's Jadeite?" asked Nephrite. "I heard he has quite a few sleeping bags at his house, maybe he could grab those so we have a place to stay while the storm passes."

The fridge against the door started to shake, and suddenly the chain lock broke off it.

Jed fell out. "Chill-eeee!" he said. "Wow, who locked me in there? It was a pretty tight space."

"Haha," said Beryl. "I was going to use your weight to help block off the door along with Metalia's.

"HELLPP!" yelled Metalia. "SOMEONE! I'll fuse with you and make you achieve ultimate power!"

"I'm sorry," said Kunzite. "But my hands are tied!"

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" said Metalia.

Beryl pushed her throne against the door as well. "We all have to make sacrifices," she said sadly.

"Good idea," said Nephrite. He put a box of Honey Maid against the door. "GG!"

"Now, we wait," said Beryl.

They all sat down on the floor.

Nephy pulled out a deck of cards and dealt them each a hand.

"Does anyone have any Beryls?" he asked.

"Go fish," said Kunzite.

"Go fish," said Beryl.

"Go fish," said Zoisite.

"Go fish," said Jadeite.

"HEEEEEEEELP!" yelled Metalia.

"This game sucks," said Nephrite. "And why are all the cards us and Beryl?"

Kunzite looked away. "You didn't have to be mean."

Nephrite fished.

He went through the whole deck.

"Hey, that's cheating!" said Zoisite.

"What is this, Austrian?" asked Nephrite.

"What does that even mean?!" yelled a voice.

"Who said that?" demanded Nephrite.

There was a knock on the door.

Jadeite looked through the peep hole. "Uh oh," he said.

"Who is it?" asked Beryl.

"The hurricane."

Everyone gasped.

They all ran to the corner of the room.

The hurricane started kicking down the door.

Metalia went flying into the wall and cracked open like an egg.

Everyone ran into the other corner, hoping it'd be better.

They made a protective shield out of Honey Maid graham crackers.

"Luckily we have enough to spare," said Zoisite.

"Don't worry," said Kunzite. "It won't get past this impenetrable barrier."

Suddenly they heard the door swing open.

"No..." said Nephrite. "That means the Honey Maid graham cracker box I left there is…"

They waited patiently for five minutes before the attack.

Jadeite slowly slid aside one box of Honey Maid graham crackers to peak out.

The hurricane slipped in their bunker and unlocked the graham cracker box door from the inside.

The graham cracker house fell apart.

"NO!" yelled the Shitennou.

Kunzite quickly put up a dark energy bubble. "This isn't as strong as the graham cracker boxes, so it won't last nearly as long!" he cried.

"I won't let a hurricane defeat me!" yelled Nephrite. "We must stand up and fight! We are the four heavenly kings!"

"Kings of what?" asked Jadeite.

"I'm a queen," said Beryl.

"That's not important!" said Nephrite. "This is about honor!"

"I don't have any of that," said Zoisite. "I traded it for Honey Maid graham crackers."

"That's a shame," said Kunzite. "Alright Nephrite, looks like it's just you and me!"

"Hey, I have honor!" said Jadeite.

Everyone laughed.

"D'ah," said Jed. "Good luck guys."

Kunzite and Nephrite teleported to the core of the hurricane.

Because Kunzite teleported away, his bubble did too, and the rest were instantly assaulted by the category 26.

"I'm coming too!" yelled Jadeite.

He, Zoisite, and Beryl all teleported to join the battle.

Once they got there, they saw it wasn't going well.

"You're no match for the nega-power!" yelled Kunzite, throwing a boomerang into the rapid flowing winds of the 'cane.

"I won't let this hurricane defeat me!"

But the hurricane tossed the boomerangs back like a frisbee.

Kunzite tried to put up his cape in defense, but the hurricane blew it away.

"NO!" he yelled.

"Step aside," said Nephrite. "This is my battle."

He threw a flurry of blows into the wind.

There was an ominous sound of laughter, and then suddenly, the hurricane simultaneously socked Nephrite in the stomach and the head.

Nephrite doubled over in pain. "YEEEEOUCH!" he yelled.

"Hmph," said Jadeite stepping up to the plate. He shot lightning and then flew up into the air.

But the hurricane shot a bolt of lightning from its clouds above.

Jadeite was shocked and dropped to the ground, hair standing on end.

He quickly recovered and flew up again, this time no lightning. He attempted to tackle the hurricane in a single frame of animation, but the hurricane moved at 60 fps. It tackled Jed and he fell into the ocean that was right next to the top of a 20 ft. skyscraper.

A small ball of energy floated to the surface.

"NO!" cried Beryl. "This is personal now!"

She spawned a huge black crystal, yelling, "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" and tossed it at the hurricane.

It flung it right back, and she leapt out of the way.

She stood to her feet. "I'm not done yet!" she said. She fired an eternal sleep attack.

The hurricane started to slow down.

"By golly, it's working!" said Kunzite, who was still impaled by his own boomerang.

The hurricane slowly back-handed him, and then sped right back up.

The circular winds rushed around them.

"Aren't you gonna try?" asked Jadeite to Zoisite.

"No," said Zoisite, looking deeply concerned. The hurricane slugged Zoisite across the face, and then it tapped him on the back.

Zoisite turned around, and all he saw was another sock coming his way.

He was thrown into the belly of the storm, spun around for three minutes like a top, and then pile drove into the ground right in front of the other Shitennou.

"Rip," said Nephrite.

"That was nothing," sputtered Zoisite, climbing to his feet.

"You're trembling," said Kunzite.

"No," lied Zoisite.

"I will avenge you!" shouted Kunzite. "This one's for-!"

The hurricane stopped.

"Good job," said Jadeite.

"I didn't do anything," said Kunzite. He looked around confused. "Huh, yeah, it better run!"

"I can't believe it just ended like that," said Beryl. "Whelp, let's go home!"

They stepped back in the Negaverse.

"Whelp, that storm really did some damage to our rock formations," said Beryl, looking at all the smashed stalactites. "Anyway, let's get back to that go fish game."

"Hey look!" said Jed, picking up a box of Honey Maid from the floor. "Looks like a box survived!"

"Yahoo!" cheered the Shitennou. They played go fish for twenty rounds, and each joyfully consumed a single honey maid graham cracker piece.

"All's well that ends well," said Jadeite, eager to end the chapter alive.

Suddenly they heard another knock on their door.

"Wait a second, we don't have a door anymore!" cried Beryl, gesturing to the frame of the Negaverse that remained.

The hurricane rushed in and started throwing slugs left and right at rapid speeds.

"I thought the hurricane ended?!" yelled Zoisite.

"That must have only been the eye!" exclaimed Jed.

"There's an eye?!" asked Zoisite.

But he never got to hear the answer.

They all died, except for Prince Endymion who had fled days before.

"The moral of this story, kids," said Endymio, "Is to always evacuate when the news tells ya' to!"

He de-transformed to Mamoru Chiba and returned to his one room apartment.

He turned on Uncle Grandpa.

But moments before Pizza Steve got in a witty one-liner, an announcement came on.

"Tsunami warning for all of Japan! Evacuate at once!"

"Ha!" said Chiba. "I'm Prince Endymion, champion of the Negaverse. I ain't afraid of no water!"

Prince Endymion was swept to sea moments later by the tsunami, and never heard from again. The only thing that remained of his apartment was the box of Honey Maid graham crackers that was in his cabinet.

FIN


	136. Kunzite is Too Old for Trick-or-Treating

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Alas, me boy," said Queen Beryl. "But I am not Queen Beryl. It's Halloween, and I'm merely in a Beryl disguise."

"Who are you then?" demanded Jadeite.

"I am… Grand _ Pa!"

"No!" cried Jadeite. "What have you done with my queen!?"

"She's gone," said Grandpa sadly.

"WHERE?!" cried Jed.

"In my belly," said Grandpa, rubbing his tummy. "And you'll be joining her!"

Jed tried to run, but Grandpa extended his tongue and absorbed Jadeite.

However, Jadeite had a burst of strength like never before. He went Super Saiyan 5 and combusted inside Grandpa's void of a stomach, destroying him permanently and freeing Queen Beryl.

Beryl was in a cat costume.

"Thanks Jed," she said.

Jed stood to his feet and lowered back down to his base form. "No prob," he said.

"You know, I'm in a good mood," said Beryl. "Jadeite, I'm going to allow you to partake in the human celebration known as trick-or-treating."

"I think I've heard of it!" exclaimed Jed.

"Yes," said Beryl. "Go have the time of your life!"

"WAHOOOOOOOOO!" said Jadeite. "Wait Beryl, who do you think I should be for Halloween?"

"Doesn't matter," said Beryl. "Just do what feels right."

"Right!" said Jadeite. He dashed off.

Queen Beryl left to go to Metalia's Halloween Bash and did not return for the rest of the night.

* * *

Nephrite, and his good pals Zoisite and Kunzite sat at the Shitennou table in the Nega-café. The café was decked out for Halloween, and their table had a jack-o-lantern in the middle.

"Mmmm," said Nephrite.

"Mmmm," said Zoisite.

Jadeite ran in.

"Merry Halloween!" he shouted. He was wearing a Santa costume.

"Jadeite," said Nephrite. "It's Halloween, not Christmas!"

"Exactly," said Jed. "That's what makes this costume so OUTRAAAAAGEOUS!"

He slapped his knee and backflipped out of the room.

He paced back inside.

"So, are we all set for trick-or-treating in the human world tonight?"

"I don't know," said Nephrite. "Trick-or-treating is for babies!"

"But think of all the candy you'll get!" said Jed.

"Candy, you say?" said Nephrite. "This intrigues me. I can go for some candy."

"I can go for some suckers," said Zoisite.

"Well, then have fun," said Kunzite.

"What do you mean!?" asked Zoisite stressed out.

"I mean, I'm 25-26 in the manga," said Kunzite. "I'm too old for trick-or-treating."

"NO!" cried Zoisite. "There's no age! The older you are, the better you are at it! I have 17 years of experience, easy!"

Kunzite shook his head. "I remember when I was your age. It was all so simple back then. But alas, I have outgrown this tradition. You have fun with Nephrite and Jadeite."

"Is that even possible?!" cried Zoisite.

"Someone has to give out candy if someone wanders across here, and since Beryl's at the Halloween party we didn't get invited to, that leaves me."

He retreated to his castle.

"Darn," said Nephrite. "I didn't get a chance to tell him we live at the North Pole. Oh well."

"D'ah what a shame," said Zoisite. "Now I need to buy a new costume. We were supposed to be salt and pepper, but just being salt isn't funny at all!"

"Haha," said Jadeite. "Good thing I thought of the perfect idea. Honestly, I think in all of human history, no one has ever come up with something this brilliant. I'm pretty much a god, no, an angel. Wait no, a god's above an angel. I am a god."

Nephrite dashed off. "It's time for Maxfield Stanton to make his debut on the streets of Tokyo!"

"I don't think anyone will give you candy in that human disguise," said Jadeite.

"Shut it, wrong holiday bozo!"

* * *

Kunzite got his box of Tootsie Rolls and sat down on a stool at the North Pole entrance to the Negaverse. "The kids will love me," he thought.

Jadeite waited patiently with Kunzite for the other two to show up.

Finally Nephrite scampered over in his human garb. "Sorry for the wait, it took me a while to perfect the multiple layers of clothing and still have my Shitennou uniform underneath just in case."

"Good job," said Jadeite.

Zoisite came up in a miscolored Sailor Moon costume.

"Interesting choice," said Nephrite.

"Can it," said Zoisite. "I couldn't think of anything after Kunzite dropped the ball on me, so this was the only non-Shitennou uniform I had lying around."

"I have tons of other outfits!" bragged Jed.

"And how much energy did they get you?" asked Zoisite.

"A good clip," lied Jadeite. "Especially the gym one! Damn, that's what I should have been!"

They started to head towards Tokyo.

"Wait!" cried Kunzite. "Don't you want some candy?"

"Nah," said Neph. "We'll get enough from trick-or-treating. No need to weigh our bags down for the long walk."

"Hmph," said Kunzite with a smug grin. "Suit yourselves."

A couple miles into the Arctic Ocean, Nephrite remembered something.

"Shoot!" he said. "I forgot again to tell Kunzite we live at the North Pole, and that no one will come!"

"Darn," said Jed. "I guess he'll figure out eventually."

* * *

Kunzite sat at the Negaverse entrance for several hours.

"What's going on?" he thought. "Where are all the children? Something is wrong here!"

He looked at his full box of Tootsie Rolls and decided to eat one.

"Meh, it's not as fun when you didn't walk around for it."

Kunzite checked his watch. "10pm, huh? I'm sure the kids don't even get started till now!"

He glared into the open Arctic for a long time.

He checked his watch again. "10:05. This isn't good."

* * *

Jed, Neph, and Zoi Boy approached the next house.

"Trick or treat!" they all yelled.

The old lady put a candy in Jed's basket, and one in Zoisite's.

Nephrite held out his.

"Haha," she laughed. "You don't have a costume!"

She closed the door.

"NO!" yelled Nephrite.

They went to the next door.

"Trick or treat!"

This guy was one rich fellow. He gave Jadeite a full-sized Twix bar, and Zoisite a 99 cent bag of chips.

"Thanks!" they both said.

"You got two polite young kids there," said the guy to Nephrite.

"You think I'm their parent?" scoffed Nephrite. "Please."

"Well, you're not in a costume, what am I supposed to think? Also your daughter's beautiful."

"Thanks," said Zoisite.

The guy shut the door.

Nephrite howled incoherently. "Maxfield Stanton is simply too good of a disguise!" he wailed. "I only got a single piece of candy from that blind man, and I took a bunch from that bucket that was left outside. That's the only reason I'm close to you guys in the race!"

"It's not a contest," said Zoisite, swiping some candy from Jed when he wasn't looking. "Because if it was, I'd be winning! They obviously just can't resist my girlish charm!"

"You're a guy!" barked Nephrite. "How pathetic!"

"Oh, you're scarin' me!" said Zoisite. "What are you going to do, reveal my identity?"

"Yes," said Nephrite.

"Well at least I have an identity," laughed Zoisite. "Why didn't you dress up?"

"I did!" cried Nephrite. "My hair is totally different, and no one can recognize my face in this suit!"

"I don't see it," said Jed, tilting his head.

Jadeite knocked loudly on the next apartment door.

"Why are we hitting apartments?" asked Zoisite.

"Closer proximity," explained Jed in a pedantic tone.

The person didn't come.

Jadeite rang the doorbell rapidly.

"Alright, alright, I'm coming!" said Mamoru Chiba. "I didn't buy any candy, but I admire your persistence. I'll grab some chocolate kisses I had lying around, but I swear, if you're the Shitennou-"

He opened the door.

"Oh boy!" he groaned. "Hey, where's Kunzite?"

"He's giving out candy at the North Pole," said Nephrite.

Mamoru laughed. "I don't like that guy. Here, take some stale kisses."

"Thanks!" said Jadeite and Zoisite.

"Hey, give me one of those!" shouted Nephrite.

"Why, Nephrite?" asked Mamoru. "You're not in a costume!"

"I'm Maxfield Stanton cosplay!" Nephrite insisted.

"Yeah right," scoffed Mamo. "And I'm the prince of Earth," he said with a laugh.

"Come on!" begged Nephrite. "I'll trade you some of Jed's candy for that one piece!"

"Now you're speaking my language!" said Mamoru.

"You heard him," said Nephrite. "Jadeite give him some candy."

"Hey wait a second!" said Zoisite. "That's not fair!"

"Oh, like you care about that kind of thing," said Nephrite, slugging him.

"Hey!" cried Chiba. "Don't you hit Sailor Moon!"

"Huh?" said Nephrite. "Oh come on, the colors are so obviously wrong!"

"Mamoru, who's at the door?" asked Usagi.

"Just Sailor Moon and her Shitennou allies," said Chiba. He closed the door.

"Strange guy," said Jed.

They continued through that same building for the next hour or so.

* * *

Kunzite stared at the falling snow. He checked his watch again. "11:05?! No, no, no! What's wrong with all the kids, why aren't they out celebrating?"

Realizing that something was amiss, Kunzite called Beryl.

"Meow," she answered, not breaking character.

"Queen Beryl, I'm yet to see one child come by and take my Tootsie Rolls that I spent five whole dollars on. How were you able to give out a whole box of Reese's Pieces last year?"

"I ate them all," she explained.

"Beryl, how could you?!" said Kunzite. "That breaks the standards of Halloween!"

Beryl hung up.

"NO!" cried Kunzite. Kunzite stared at the snow some more, but it wasn't very interesting.

He called Zoisite.

The phone rung five times, and then went to voicemail.

"Sorry!" said the voice message. "I'm having too much fun trick-or-treating with Kunzite-sama right now to answer! Leave a message after the giggle! Tee hee!"

"Yes, Zoisite?" said Kunzite. There was dead silence.

Kunzite got mad and tossed the phone into the Arctic Ocean. "When will I get a customer?!"

"Hidy ho!" said Melvin approaching with his just friend Molly. "Have any goodies for me and my companion here?"

"BACK OFF!" yelled Kunzite shooting energy at them. "I'm not in the mood for this bullshit!"

"But, I'm Nephrite's friend!" said Molly.

"Even better!" said Kunzite blasting her again.

"Mess with my girl? No way!" said Melvin.

He turned into a torpedo and flung himself at Kunzite, but Kunzite caught him by the horns and threw him up into the air.

He not return.

Kunzite sat back down on his stool, fuming. "When will I get a customer?!" he repeated.

Just then, Kunzite saw figures approaching from the distance.

He took out his Tootsie Roll bowl but couldn't keep it still from his giddy shaking. "Finally, at long last…!"

"Hey Kunzite," said Zoisite. "How did it go?"

"NO!" cried Kunzite. "It's just you guys!"

Jadeite was on a sleigh, with a whole Santa's sack full of candy.

"I won the contest," he said.

All Nephrite had to show for his efforts was a 12 day old fig newton bar he had been carrying around in his pocket.

"Can I… can I trade this for a Jolly Rancher?!" he demanded.

"No," said Kunzite. "I don't have those. Only Tootsie Rolls."

"Darn," said Nephrite. They all went inside.

Kunzite waited there for the rest of his life until he turned into a statue.

Zoisite threw a single rose on his grave.

"RIP," said Nephrite.

"Riperoo," said Zoisite.

FIN


	137. Jed, Neph, and Melv Go on a Panty Raid

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"What is it?" asked Queen Beryl.

Jadeite thought for a moment. "Queen Beryl would never understand."

He left the room.

"WHAT THE HELL?!" howled Beryl. "Jadeite, get back here!"

But Jadeite didn't return.

He headed back to his space, but on the way he passed Nephrite at the soda machine.

"Jed!" howled Nephrite. "Just the person I was looking for!"

"Huh?" asked Jed. "Were you looking to take me to Smackdownville?"

"Not today," answered Nephrite. "I have some good plans for me and you tonight."

"Does it involve energy and new sources of it?" asked Jed giddily.

"No," said Neph.

Jadeite hung his head.

"It's even better," promised Nephy.

Jed started to catch a giddy again.

"Calm the giddy," said Nephrite. "You'll blow our cover!"

Jadeite lowered his giddy.

"Now here's the deal. We're gonna go on a panty raid!"

"A panty raid?!" gasped Jed. "You're talkin' about girls, right? Girl girls?"

"Ohhhhhhhhh yeah!" said Nephrite, picking up Jadeite's disposed gidd. "Raiding their dressers for their undergarments!"

"Hot diggity!" said Jadeite.

Nephrite thought for a moment. "Something's missing. We need a third member, or else it's awkward."

"Why?" asked Jed. "What's awkward about two men sharing underpants?"

Nephrite shook his head and they teleported to their good pal's house.

"Hey Zoi Boy!" said Nephy.

"Watch it," said Zoisite. "Why are you here?"

"Me and Jeddy are going to partake in a fun festivity tonight."

"I'm listening," said Zoisite, considering the catching of a gidd.

"We're going on a panty raid!" exclaimed Jed happily.

Zoisite frowned. "I don't think I'm interested," said Zoisite. "However, if it were a boxer raid we were talking about, then, mmmmmmmmmmm…."

Zoisite dazed off and Jed and Neph decided to move on.

"Let's go try Kunzite," suggested Jed.

"Na na na," said Nephrite. "I suspect we'll have the same results."

"What about that cool guy Grandpa?" asked Jadeite. "He was made for this kind of thing."

Nephrite pondered it. "Nah, he might lose control, and then there will be no stopping him."

"Then who?!" cried Jed. "Who's the next coolest guy we know?"

Nephrite frowned. "I didn't think I'd have to do this, but…"

* * *

Melvin heard a knock on his bedroom door.

He paused his online chess game and answered it. "Who's there?!"

"Hey bud," said Nephy.

Melvin gasped and hid behind his life-sized Sailor Moon cut-out.

"Relax," said Neph. "I'm not here to kill you… this time. Me and Jedd-o here were wondering if you wanted to accompany us on a panty raid."

"Oh boy!" said Melvin. "We're talkin' about girls, right? Girl girls?"

"Yes," said Nephrite. "Raiding their dressers for their undergarments."

"Mmmm," said Melvin. "That's something I can get behind. Who are you gonna hit first?"

"We're not sure yet," said Jed, looking at Nephy.

Nephrite shrugged. "Yeah, we actually don't know."

"Good thing you came to me!" said Melvin. "I've developed just the software for a conundrum like this!"

Melvin starting typing complex code into his computer.

Jadeite and Nephrite waited.

Melvin printed out a map from his black and white printer. "Aha!" he said. "It all makes so much sense!"

They teleported to Melvin's calculated location.

Nephrite spawned a ladder to the lady's window, and they started to climb.

"I hit here all the time!" lied Melvin.

"So cool," thought Nephrite. "I underestimated him."

* * *

Kunzite was getting ready to go work his night shift at the Nega Security Station.

"Goodbye Zoisite," he said. "I left a sandwich in the fridge."

"Thanks pal," said Zoisite.

"Np, Zoi Boy," replied Kunzite.

"D'ah, I'll let that one slide," said Zoisite. "But you know what other goofs called me that? Nephrite and Jeddo."

"Hmph," said Kunzite. "It took me three hours to come up with that one. Oh well."

"You know what else those goofs were up to?"

"No," said Kunzite. "I'm not very interested in the affairs of those bing bongs."

"Yeah me neither," lied Zoisite. He continued anyway. "They were going to do a panty raid! How immature!"

"Panty raid?" asked Kunzite. "You mean like girls, right? Girl girls?"

"I would assume," said Zoisite.

"Hmmm," said Kunzite. "I hope they don't cause any trouble. They've brought enough negative publicity to the Negaverse, we don't need any more."

The alarm on Kunzite's watch went off.

"8pm exactly! Gotta blast!"

Kunzite sprinted out at top speeds so he could clock in at exactly 8 o'clock.

* * *

Nephrite and Jadeite entered the room.

"Melvin?" asked Jadeite. "How's it going?"

Melvin was one fourth up the ladder in a hot sweat.

"My hands are slippery from anticipation!" he exclaimed. "This isn't safe anymore!"

Nephrite sighed and teleported him up.

Melvin sweated a puddle onto the lady's carpet.

Nephrite shook his head. "You'll get better at this every time we hit a new victim!"

Jadeite had already gotten to work looking for the panty drawer.

Melvin started to physically shake. "I… I don't know if I can do this!"

"Huh?" asked Nephrite. "What do you mean?"

"I…I….my…. my mom told me not to hang with bad crowds, such as you guys! I'm starting to get the heebie jeebies!"

"Oh, cut it out," scoffed Nephrite. "What are you, gay?"

"No!" cried Melvin.

"I found the drawer!" exclaimed Jed.

Melvin fainted.

When he woke up, Nephrite backhanded him. "Keep yourself together!" he shouted. "If you've already fainted once, what's gonna happen when you look at the panties?"

Melvin started to sob and drink milkshakes. He made a beeline towards the ladder.

"Goodbye!" he yelled.

"If you leave now, I'll kill you!" warned Nephrite.

Melvin leapt out the window.

Nephrite decided to give him a one week head start.

Melvin travelled the seven seas, not ready to die yet. He reached the South Pole, on the exact opposite side of the globe of Nephy.

"I should be safe here," he thought.

A week passed.

Nephrite teleported over to him.

"Uh oh," said Melv. "I better get in a good one-liner before I die!"

Nephrite finished off Melvin. "Easy does it," said Neph, stealing Melvin's stage.

He went back to Jed.

"Are we looking at these panties or not?" asked Jadeite, impatient.

"Yeah, yeah!" said Neph. "Let's see em'!"

They raided the drawer.

"Oooooh baby!" they both agreed.

"We hit the jackpot!" said Nephrite, holding up a pair.

"Wooweee mama!" said Jadeite. "I wonder whose these are, anyway?"

* * *

"Now then," said Kunzite, taking his post. "I better play back the tapes from earlier to make sure there was no monkey business before I got here!"

He started playing back the tapes.

"What's this?!" he cried, spotting Nephrite, Jadeite, and some nerdy kid he vaguely recognized climbing into Beryl's window.

"Why are they going into Beryl's house!?"

Suddenly Kunzite remembered a conversation from earlier.

"They were going to do a panty raid! How immature!" he recalled Zoisite saying.

"NO!" cried Kunzite. "I can't allow my queen's private clothing to be violated by these goons!"

He quickly teleported to Beryl's private quarters, hoping he wasn't too late.

"NO!" cried Kunzite as he spotted Jadeite rolling around in the underwear.

"What are you doing in Beryl's place?!" yelled Kunzite.

"This is Beryl's?!" asked Nephrite. "YUCK!"

"MMMMMM!" cried Jadeite, rolling more rapidly.

Kunzite backhanded Jed, and he came to his senses.

"Uh oh," said Jed. "We've done bad! Let's flee!"

"Oh no you don't!" yelled Kunzite. "And gimme that!" he shouted, grabbing the pair from Nephrite's hands.

Suddenly the light flicked on.

"KUUUUUUUUUUNZITE!" howled Beryl.

"Yes, my queen," said Kunzite.

"What are you doing here?!" she demanded. "And why are you holding my underwear!?"

"I was just stopping these knuckleheads from-"

He turned around. All that remained of Nephrite and Jadeite were outlines of where they once stood.

"Look at the outlines!" he cried.

Beryl looked but they faded too quickly.

"But I- but he- but they- but you!"

"I'm disappointed in you," said Beryl. "Frankly, if you had just confessed to wanting to see my underwear, I might have shown it to you. But sneaking in, and then lying and trying to blame it on poor innocent Jadeite and Nephrite? Pa-thetic!"

"Hey!" said Kunzite. "You stole that from me!"

"YOU LOOKED AT MY UNDERWEAR!" howled Beryl.

"No!" exclaimed Kunzite. He took a quick glance. "Hmm," he said curiously.

Beryl backhanded him all the way to Slug City.

* * *

Nephrite and Jadeite got back to Nephy's house.

"That was a close one," said Jed.

"That's what makes panty raids so exciting," said Neph. "Still, I can't believe that punk Melvin led us straight to Beryl's!"

"You win some you lose some," said Jadeite. "Personally I had a good time."

FIN


	138. Queen Beryl Catches a Common Cold

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

Queen Beryl hacked right in Jed's face, drenching him in a coat of snot.

"Aww yuck!" cried Jadeite. But then he thought for a moment. "I'm never washing my face again!"

Queen Beryl slugged him.

"I'm never washing my face again!" he repeated.

Queen Beryl started choking.

"Oh no!" cried Jadeite. He started doing the Heimlich on her.

Beryl backhanded him to the floor and continued to choke to death.

"I'm not *COUGH* choking on anything in particular *COUGH* I'm just really sick!" she howled.

Jadeite continued to watch frantically as she coughed.

"Jadeite, give me your glove," she got out between hacks.

He tossed it to her, and she blew her nose in it and threw it away.

Jadeite took off his other glove because it didn't feel right wearing only one.

"What kind of cold do you have?" asked Jadeite. "A Negaflu, or a Negavirus?"

"How about a Negaslug?" asked Beryl.

"A Negawhat?" said Jadeite. "That's not in my Negadictionary."

Beryl went to slug Jed but doubled over in coughing. She fell to the floor in agony.

"Are you okay my queen?" asked Jed.

"Do I look okay?!" shrieked Beryl.

"I understand," said Jadeite. "I'll gather your best workers at once!"

Jadeite pulled the Beryl alarm and Kunzite appeared in an instant.

A few minutes later, Zoisite and Nephrite strolled in at a moderate speed.

"What seems to be the problem?" asked Nephy. "Is Beryl having another midlife crisis?"

"Not today," said Jadeite sadly. "She's deathly ill!"

"Pity," said Zoisite. "Well if you need me, I'll be in my castle."

"Not so fast!" howled Beryl.

"You're right," said Zoisite. "If you need me, you won't be able to find me."

"Don't sass me!" shouted Beryl. "Remember Zoisite, I control your fate-GYAAAAAHHH!"

Beryl started choking again.

Kunzite put a pillow under her head so she wouldn't convulse into the back of her chair.

Jadeite put a blanket on her.

"It's okay, m'Queen," promised Kunzite. "It sounds like you just have a common cold. We four will do everything we can to make sure you're comfortable until you get better! Right guys?"

Kunzite turned around, and all that remained of Nephrite and Zoisite were their shoes. They had sped away so quickly that they forgot them.

"Don't worry Beryl," said Jadeite. "I am here, your favorite Shitennou."

"Wait, hold up a second!" said Kunzite. "I wouldn't go that far. Clearly I'm the leader for a reason."

"HAHAHHAH," laughed Jadeite loudly. "That was just sheer luck. You probably cheated so your name was pulled out of the hat!"

"No!" lied Kunzite. "If she didn't like me the most, she wouldn't let me wear this cape!"

"That's just a tablecloth you stole from the Negakitchen!" shouted Jadeite.

"NO!" said Kunzite. "How did you know?!"

"Hmmhmm," laughed Jadeite. "If she didn't like me the most, she wouldn't have sent me out first!"

"Save the best for last," said Kunzite. "Everyone knows that."

"Endymion was last," reminded Jed.

"He doesn't count," said Kunzite. "He's not a Shitennou."

"Down boys down!" shouted Beryl.

"Oh yeah, you're still here!" remembered Jadeite. "What may I get you?"

"Could one of you grab me a glass of water?"

Kunzite and Jadeite sprinted for the kitchen.

Kunzite started pouring a glass, but Jadeite tackled him.

"Out of my way, wide-load!" shouted Jadeite.

"I'm not fat I'm big-boned!" said Kunzite. "Wait, I'm not even big-boned, you're just stupid!"

But Jadeite was gone.

"NO!" yelled Kunzite.

He charged Jadeite like the planes.

"Here you go, my queen," said Jadeite, about to hand the glass to Beryl.

Kunzite leapt at him and grabbed him by the feet, taking him to the floor.

The cup flew out of his hands and hit Beryl square in the chops. The water spilled all over her.

"AHHHHHHHH!" yelled Beryl. "Who is responsible for this?!"

"It was him!" said Jadeite pointing at Kunzite.

"It was him!" said Kunzite pointing at Jadeite.

"RRRrrRRR!" they both growled.

* * *

Nephrite and Zoisite sat down at the only open table in the Crown Arcade dining section.

Motoki's sister shot Zoisite a dirty look.

Zoisite gave her a thumb's up.

"Yeah, I'm a regular here," said Zoisite.

Nephrite turned away. "I don't like you."

"The feeling's mutual, buddy," said Zoisite.

"I have never bean your buddy, nor you mine!" shouted Nephrite.

"Whatever you say, pal."

"I have never bean your pal, nor you mine!"

"Wanna play Pinball?" asked Zoisite.

"Sure I have nothing better to do," said Nephy. "At least until Beryl recovers"

"Yeah that's one thing we have in common," agreed Zoisite. "We weren't hypnotized very well. We're actually quite disobedient!"

"It's astounding that we have any freewill at all," said Nephrite. "Let alone this much. What kind of moron is Metalia anyway?"

A huge blob at a nearby table narrowed its eyes at them.

"It's weird," said Zoisite. "It feels like someone is glaring daggers at us!"

They turned around and saw Metalia.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" they screamed.

They screamed for two minutes and finally calmed down.

"Why are you here?" they asked.

"Keep your voices down," said Metalia. "Beryl might be watching on her crystal ball."

* * *

"Damn!" said Beryl in the Negaverse staring into her crystal ball. "I thought I heard them for a second but I lost them. It's too bad I can't find Metalia, I wanted her run to the store and buy me some meds!"

"I brought you some soup!" said Jadeite.

Beryl took a sip. "Too cold," she said throwing it in his face.

"Hahaha, good thing that wasn't hotter," thought Jed retrospectively.

Kunzite took out his notepad and took notes. 10 minutes later he returned with soup.

"Don't worry," he said to her. "This soup is just right! Not a popsicle like that one guy's canned mishap!"

Queen Beryl took a sip. It burnt a hole right through her tongue and jaw and dripped onto the floor.

"YOUUUUUUUUUUUCH!" she yelled.

She hurled it at Kunzite but he ducked.

"I got some more soup for you, m'lady!" said Jadeite walking in. "I made it two degrees warmer!"

He was hit by the lava soup and burnt to a crisp.

"This is like the manga all over again," he said sadly.

"You were in the manga?" asked Kunzite. "I think I skipped that page."

"D'ah," said Jadeite. "What you say is true."

"Someone bring me tissues!" shouted Beryl.

Jadeite dashed to the local Walmart while Kunzite spawned a box.

"Here you go," he said. "This is why I'm your favorite, right?"

"Sure, whatever you say," said Beryl.

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" said Kunzite. "Wait till that one guy hears about this! What was his name again?"

"What is this?" asked Beryl.

"Tissues, my queen," said Kunzite bowing.

"No no no," said Beryl. "These are no tissues. These are paper towels! They've scratched up my nose!"

"Oops!" said Kunzite.

Just then Jadeite came dashing in. "Here are your tissues!"

He tossed a box to Beryl.

She didn't catch it and it flew over her head and fell to the floor.

Kunzite quickly dashed and picked it up. "Here you are, tissues that I bought for you myself."

"HEY!" cried Jadeite. "Good thing I bought an extra box! Quick Beryl, take mine!"

He threw it and it missed again.

"A second box just in case, Queen!" said Kunzite, handing her the second box.

"NO!" said Jed. "Queen Beryl! Kunzite just stole those for me!"

Beryl blew her nose once and discarded of the tissue boxes.

"Thanks Kunzite. I appreciate the hard work."

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Jadeite. He had it up to here with this caped hooligan stealing his Beryl cred.

He threw a wild punch at Kunzite from behind, but it was reflected off his polished skin and flew back and punched Jadeite.

"Owowowow," said Jadeite.

"Queen Beryl," began Kunzite. "It has come to my attention that this lesser being has been slacking off and betraying the Negaverse."

"Go on," said Beryl.

"Can I wipe the ground with him?" Kunzite asked.

"HEY!" cried Jadeite. "I heard from a very reliable source that Kunzite uses humans to do his dirty work!"

"Which source?" asked Beryl uninterested.

"Endymion!" said Jadeite.

"OoOoOH!" said Beryl. "What else did he say? Did he say anything about me?"

"Uhh… yeah!" lied Jadeite. "He said… uh…you're very…urmmm…"

"He said you're beautiful!" shouted Kunzite.

"Nice try," said Beryl. "But everyone knows Endymion doesn't talk to the likes of you!"

Kunzite hung his head.

"Darn," he said to himself. "Even though I've just met this Jadeite fellow a day ago, he's turned out to be a formidable opponent!"

"What the hell?" asked Jadeite. "We raided the Moon Kingdom together!"

"I don't recall seeing you there," said Kunzite. "Were you in the back of the formation with the hypnotized humans?"

"Actually, I was standing right next to Sailor Earth!" lied Jadeite trying to sound cool.

"Hahahhaaha," Kunzite chuckled loudly. "Nice try adding your own OC's. But it's not going to make me interested in your story."

"D'ah," said Jed. "Sailor Earth is real though. Watch Season 5, she's there in the fine print! Only in the sub though, or else you won't see the fine print!"

"LIES!" shouted Kunzite. "Season 5 proves that she doesn't exist! Because Mamoru Chiba-"

Beryl perked up again. "What about Mamoru Chiba?"

"Never mind," said Kunzite. He didn't want to let his queen down when he didn't have any juicy info.

Kunzite had to think fast, because he was losing ground quickly.

"Here Beryl, I know just how to get your mind off the cold!"

He spawned a TV.

"No!" cried Jadeite. "If only I knew how to spawn complicated electronics!"

Kunzite teleported in a disc from his house. "Let's see, I'll put on a random episode of this good anime I watched the other day! Only the first season's good though."

He put on episode 46 of Sailor Moon.

Queen Beryl started watching quietly. "Yes, yes!" she said when Endymion kissed her hand. "No, no!" she cried when she got stabbed in the heart.

Metalia burst out of her pod and Beryl let out a shriek, as did the Beryl on the screen.

Super Beryl died.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Beryl. "Turn it off, turn it off!"

Kunzite was floundering. He quickly switched it to a different random episode.

"Hmm, a flashback episode," said Beryl when he put on 44. "Not a productive use of time, but it could be interesting."

The flashback continued.

"Yes, yes!" she said when she asked Endymion to join her and rule the world. "No, no!" she cried when Serenity released the Silver Crystal.

"Metalia-sama!" cried Beryl on screen. "Metalia-sama!"

"Metalia-sama!" Beryl echoed in present. "Turn it offffff!"

"No, wait!" said Jed. "I think we should watch the end of the episode when a certain character dies! Spoiler alert, it's a gayboy!"

"Oh boy!" said Beryl. "Is it Zoisite? I sure hope so!"

"No no no," said Kunzite going to turn it off.

Suddenly it showed all the Shitennou being destroyed by the Silver Crystal.

Beryl started laughing hardily.

"Huh," said Kunzite, "I guess that Jadeite guy was there. Why are your arms stretched in a weird 140 degree angle?"

"I don't know," said Jed, having a traumatic flashback.

"Metalia-sama!" repeated dying Beryl.

"Why did I keep yelling that?" wondered Beryl. "Did I really think it would help?"

Kunzite turned off the TV. "Alright, that's enough."

"Come on!" insisted Jed. "Why don't we just watch a couple more minutes?"

"Don't make me turn on episode 13," threatened Kunzite.

"Can we watch episode 35?" asked Beryl. "There's a really funny scene in it!"

"I threw that one out," said Kunzite angrily.

"Why?" asked Beryl.

"Shut it," said Kunzite.

"HEY!" said Beryl. "Don't you question me!"

"Sorry my queen," apologized Kunzite quickly.

"He's not sorry!" said Jadeite. "I've never questioned you! Not once!"

"Hmm," said Beryl. "You two have seemed to have developed quite a rivalry. Rivalries are good, as long as you get work done!"

"Shit, work?" asked Kunzite. "I better call up some humans!"

"See what I mean?!" cried Jed. "Don't worry Beryl, I'll get you anything myself."

"Hey, you know what would make me feel better?" said Beryl. "Some energy!"

"Rmabumasdf…" mumbled Jadeite.

"What was that?" asked Kunzite.

"Kunzite is a loser!" shouted Jadeite.

Beryl narrowed her eyes. "This will never work. Kunzite and Endymion are already sworn rivals, and then Zoisite and Nephrite. Jadeite, you need your own rival!"

"I don't need one," promised Jadeite. "I'm the only one who doesn't get distracted from my loyalties to you!"

"Jadeite is a loser!" shouted Kunzite.

Beryl realized she wasn't even sick anymore.

"Listen, I appreciate you two's devotion, but I also appreciate Shitennou with backbone, like Nephrite!"

"Hey," said Kunzite. "Zoisite also disobeys you!"

"Yeah, but he's annoying when he does it. That's what makes episode 35 such a hooter!"

Kunzite went to slug Beryl but controlled himself. "I think I'm the better Shitennou, because I could actually wipe you out if I wanted to! But I don't!"

"That makes you the worst!" cried Beryl. "I hate having people stronger than me!"

"AHA!" said Jadeite. "You don't have to worry about that with ol' Jed."

"Yet," said Beryl. "You're not very useful in hand-to-hand combat."

"Just pick a winner already!" cried Kunzite.

Beryl looked back and forth between them.

"I choose…."

Jadeite crossed his fingers and jumped up and down.

Kunzite prayed to the seven holy Negagods.

"I choose… Endymion!"

Endymion came bursting through the door as confetti fell from the ceiling.

"NO!" cried Kunzite.

"NO!" cried Jadeite.

"This isn't my apartment," said Mamoru walking back out.

"I love a man that plays hard to get," said Beryl. "Hey, could you guys get me a cup of coffee?"

Jadeite and Kunzite ignored her and walked away.

"Eh, it's not as attractive when they do it," said Beryl.

FIN


	139. Jadeite Gets a Crush

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Hmm," said Beryl. "I think I've heard of it."

"I didn't say what the source was yet, my queen."

"No, but that energy thing you mentioned. I think I've heard of something like that before."

"Yes," said Jadeite. "That's what you sent me to collect."

"No," said Beryl. "I'm certain I sent you after the Moon Prince."

"I think she's a princess, my queen."

"You have a lot to learn, Jadeite!" yelled Beryl. "Never question me!"

"Ok Beryl," said Jadeite. "I'm off to find that Moon Prince!" he lied.

He left the room.

"Hmm, looks like another day off," he concluded.

* * *

"Waka waka waka waka," echoed Jadeite, as he played Pacman aggressively.

"Yes, the banana! A cut-scene's comin' on soon!"

"You're quite good at that game!" said Motoki. "Even I can't get that far!"

Motoki's interruption caused Jed to lose one of his ten lives he had acquired.

He turned to Motoki. "What's your name?" he asked.

"Motoki," said Motoki.

"Oh, hello Motoki," said Jadeite, killing him.

He went back to Pacman.

"Wow, what a hunkster!" said someone suddenly, wrapping their arms around him.

Jed's heart started beating at a rapid pace.

He looked down and nearly fainted. "Wowee, what a beaut!" he said out loud. "What's your name, young one?"

"Minako!" said Minako. "But you can call me Minako-chan!"

"Mmmmmmmm," said Jadeite. "Say, what was that thing you just called me?"

"A hunkster," repeated Minako. "It's another word for a cute guy."

"You… think I'm…"

Jed's face was scarlet red. "Is this love?" he asked out loud again. "It reminds me of the time I first met Beryl!"

"Who's that?" asked Minako.

"No one important," Jadeite blurted out.

Minako looked behind Jed and saw Usagi angrily waving her over.

"Ugh," said Minako. "I gotta go. Catch ya later!"

Jadeite was too speechless to say goodbye. He did not leave that spot.

"Mina!" cried Usagi. "Did you know who that was?!"

"No," said Mina. "Wasn't he cute?"

"Ye-" Usagi started to say but stopped herself. "That doesn't matter! He's Jadeite, of the Dark Kingdom!"

"Who?" asked Minako. "Aren't the only two members of the Dark Kingdom that gay guy who only lasted like a day and Kunzite?"

"Oh yeah, I forgot you came in that late," remembered Usagi. "But that Jadeite's a bad guy."

"Nah, he was a cutie," insisted Mina. "He couldn't hurt a fly."

Jadeite had gone back to furiously playing Pacman. "I'll kill you, Inky!" he shouted, when he lost another life.

"See!" said Usagi. "He's a homicidal maniac!"

"Oh, lighten up," said Minako. "He's just a poor sport."

"Motoki's corpse is laying right next to him!" cried Usagi.

"I know, I saw him kill him," said Minako. "Like I said, he's just a poor sport. Anyway, I guess let's head over to Rei-chan's house to study."

"D'ah," said Usagi. "Just my luck."

* * *

Jadeite waited at the arcade patiently for Minako's to return.

"Catch ya later," he repeated in his head. "What is later? Does it matter? I'll wait forever for that blonde beauty!"

Jadeite stayed inside the arcade for eight days and nights because Motoki was dead and unable to close up shop.

A month later, the shop got shut down because no one payed rent. Motoki's sister had to live on the streets. A fast food restaurant was built in the building where the arcade once stood.

Jadeite sat outside and continued to wait.

"Hey Jadeite," said Zoisite. "What's got you down in the dumps?"

Jadeite sighed. "It's this human girl I fell in love with."

"Ah, you've gone the way of the Nephrite," said Zoisite. "Hopefully you don't reach a similar fate." He winked.

"Buzz off, Zoisite! It's my job to find the Silver Crystal!" Jadeite shouted.

Zoisite had a traumatic flashback. "Not again…"

"D'ah, I don't know what came over me," apologized Jadeite. "No need to cry on top of Kunzite now. I'm just frustrated, because I don't know when Minako-chan will return."

"That's a dumb name," said Zoisite. "I'm going home to laugh at you."

"Alright, have fun," said Jadeite.

* * *

"Hahahhahaa," laughed Zoisite to Kunzite. "So he's been there for a month waiting for this human girl, all because she said 'Catch ya later!'"

"What a fool," said Kunzite.

"Yes," agreed Zoisite. "And there's more! She has a really stupid name- Minako-chan!"

Kunzite dropped his coffee mug and it splattered on the floor.

"I got you that for Christmas!" cried Zoisite. "What gives?!"

"That name," said Kunzite. "I've heard it before. I must go and meet her."

"Wait what?!" cried Zoisite. "What's going on?! You guys weren't like, a non-canon ship or something in the past?!"

"That's just it," said Kunzite. He teleported away.

"NOOOOO!" screamed Zoisite. "Kunzite's gone straight! I won't let him get away with this!"

* * *

"Jadeite," said Kunzite.

"Yes," said Jadeite.

Kunzite socked Jed. "Stay off my girl!" he shouted.

"Is this the dub?" asked Jadeite. "Listen, I wasn't on Zoisite, I promise! He started up with me, or she as you're calling him now…"

"No, I mean Minako-chan!"

Jadeite perked up. "Minako-chan?! Where?!"

Kunzite socked him again.

"I said back off!"

Suddenly Minako walked by. She stopped in her tracks.

"Jadeite, is that you? It's been a while! How are you?"

"What?! I wasn't waiting for you this whole time!" blurted out Jadeite.

"Haha, you're funny!" said Minako. "Are you doing anything later?"

"Wait a second!" said Kunzite. "I bought this ring for you!" he said spawning a ring.

"Who are you?" asked Minako. "Oh wait, you're that guy who beat us all down. You're a bully, and I don't like you!"

"Yeah," said Jadeite. "He just socked me two times!"

"Aww, you poor thing! Let me heal you!" said Minako. She went in for a cheek smooch, but suddenly Rei walked up.

"What's going on here?!" she demanded. "Minako, do you know who that is?!"

"Yes," said Minako. "Usagi told me, and I don't care. This guy a sweetheart."

"You should stay off him!" yelled Rei.

"Why do you care?" asked Minako. "Do you like him or something?"

"Of course not," said Rei. "Does this look like the manga to you? It's just that… it's just that…"

Suddenly she realized she was a lesbian, and that she loved Minako. She couldn't find the words.

"You don't have a reason, so don't interfere!" said Jadeite.

"But Jadeite!" said Rei. "Why do you want my- I mean Minako! Don't you like me?"

"No," said Jadeite. "Does this look like the manga to you?"

Rei was fuming silently.

Jed and Minako walked away hand-in-hand.

"We've got to break them up!" shouted Kunzite.

"Yes!" shouted Rei.

"Yes!" shouted Zoisite.

"AHHHH!" screamed Kunzite. "Where did you come from?"

"I teleported here when you left to chase after Minako."

"It's not what you think," said Kunzite. "I'm gay, I swear!"

"You're looking more bi by the day!" shouted Zoisite. "And when I said we should break them up, I meant we shouldn't break them up. I'll keep them together at all costs! Goodbye!"

"Hmm," said Rei. "After we pry her away from Jed, I think you should go back to that Zoisite guy. You don't love Minako like I do."

"Did you love her in the Silver Millennium?" demanded Kunzite.

"Did you?" retorted Rei.

"I don't remember!" shouted Kunzite. "But there was a non-canon sketch in one of the mangas!"

"I'm pretty sure there was one of me and Minako as well!" said Rei.

"Hmm, that girl really gets around," said Kunzite. "But anyway, we must work together, and then we'll settle our differences later."

"Yes," said Rei. "One step at a time."

* * *

Jadeite and Minako went to Crown Parlor that was now called Crown McDonald's as the Crown family no longer owned anything.

"Are you enjoying your milkshake?" asked Jed.

"Yes," said Minako. "What a nice, relaxing date. I'm glad we're doing this, you seem like very cool guy."

"Yes," said Jed. "I don't get as much respect as I deserve. Especially from Beryl."

"You keep bringing up that name," said Minako. "Who is she, your ex?"

"Something like that," said Jadeite.

In the booth on the left side of Jed sat Kunzite and Rei, the unlikely duo.

In the booth on the right side of Jed sat Zoisite.

In the booth to the north of Jed sat Mamoru Chiba, Nephrite and Grandpa.

"What are you doing here?" demanded Zoisite.

"We're just here for the show," said Nephrite, ordering a popcorn from the waiter that wasn't Motoki's sister, because she was living on the streets.

"I'll take one as well," said Mamoru.

Grandpa licked his lips.

"Hmm," said Zoisite, going back to focusing on Kunzite. "When will he make his move?"

Kunzite made his move.

As Jed put his straw in Minako's milkshake, Kunzite detached his fist and fired it like a bullet.

Zoisite leapt in the way and took the hit.

"Zoisite, no!" cried Kunzite. "What are you doing?"

Zoisite was too injured to speak.

"Oh well, I'll use my other fist!"

Kunzite socked Jadeite in the face.

"HEY!" shouted Minako. "You think beating up my date will make me like you?!"

"Yes," said Kunzite going in for a smooch.

Minako backhanded Kunzite.

"Creep!"

Kunzite was stunned.

Rei went in for the Mars Fire Blast at Jed, but Jed tanked it, similar to Nephrite.

"Sometimes you forget how strong I actually am," he reminded her.

"Drat," said Rei.

Jed went to fire back, but Minako stopped him. "Jadeite, she's my friend."

"But I- but she!"

While he was stuttering, Kunzite regained composure and went in for another slug, sending Jed flying across the Crown McDonald's.

But while he was tussling, Rei had already grabbed Minako in her arms and ran for the exit.

"What's going on?!" asked Minako.

Kunzite ran to stop her, but Zoisite stuck his foot out weakly, tripping him, and knocking him out of the race.

"This is no good," said Grandpa. "I'm a Kunako shipper!"

He went the way of the lobster and attacked Rei.

"Grandpa!" cried Rei. "I'm your own granddaughter!"

"No granddaughter of mine will be a lesbian!" yelled Grandpa.

Chad came bursting in and head-butted Grandpa, temporarily stunning him.

"Fool!" cried Grandpa. "I was trying to break them up!"

"No one hurts my Rei!" said Chad. "MY Rei!"

"Let's not go too far now," said Rei.

Chad tore Minako out of her arms and threw her into the wall.

He went in for the pile-driver.

"What did I do to deserve this?!" cried Minako.

Jed leapt to his feet and dropped-kicked Chad before he could finish the assault.

"You won't get away with this!" said Chad to Minako.

Jed caught Minako before she hit the ground and made a break for the exit.

But Kunzite teleported in front of him and pushed him to the floor.

Grandpa got Jed in a full-nelson, and Kunzite threw punches at his exposed stomach.

"Go get her," said Grandpa. "I'll hold him off."

Kunzite snatched Minako, but suddenly Zoisite wildly tackled Kunzite.

"I won't lose this easily!" shouted Zoisite.

Rei sniped Grandpa from the back with a Mars Sniper, taking him out of the brawl.

She went for Jed next, but once again underestimated him.

He tanked the attack, and then picked up the unguarded Minako-chan and dashed out the door and down the street.

"My hero!" said Minako. "I don't know what's wrong with my friend today, and I could have sworn that other guy was gay!"

Jadeite was about to make it off into the sunset with her, when a roadblock blocked his path.

"B-b-b-b—b-b-b-Beryl!" he cried. "You can stand up?!"

"Yes," said Beryl. "And I won't let this girl take you away from me!"

"?" said Jadeite. "But I… but you…!"

"I love you Jadeite," said Beryl.

Jadeite was really conflicted. His childhood friend and the new girl. It was a hard choice.

"I choose…"

But before he could speak, Thetis hit Beryl with a tsunami, flushing her out of the competition.

"Jadeite!" she shouted. "Even though you treat me like a jerk, I still love you!"

"Back off, hag!" said Jadeite.

"No!" said Thetis. "I will never back off! I will follow you to the end of the Earth!"

"Why?!" cried Jadeite. "Take a hint!"

Minako readied her crescent smash at Thetis. "Let's go, bigboy!"

Chad ran up and head-butted Minako, sending her flying.

"Easy does it," said Chad.

She landed in Rei's arms.

"NO!" said Chad. "I made a big mistake!"

Rei took to the skies with her ability she is shown to use very few times.

Nephrite and Mamoru Chiba finally caught up with their cellphone cameras.

"Who's winning?" asked Nephrite.

"I AM!" yelled Jadeite, taking to the skies too.

He summoned a plane, and threw it at Rei and Minako.

"Wait a second, no!" he thought.

But it was too late.

The plane knocked them both unconscious. He tried to grab Minako, but she fell past him too fast. "MINAKOOOOOOO!" he cried.

Kunzite had stumbled to his feet once again.

From the ground, he pulled out his best catching mitt. "I've got you!" he called. "Don't worry!"

But at the last second, Zoisite threw himself at Kunzite like a torpedo, knocking him away.

Minako died from the fall.

"NOOOOO!" howled Jed.

Rei fell seconds later, into Chad's arms.

Chad walked away into the sunset.

"Shyaaa yaa, I win for once!"

Rei woke up a few hours later in his arms.

"No you don't," she said. She fled.

"I'll get her next time," vowed Chad.

Jadeite asked Queen Beryl to revive his bae, but Beryl refused. She was angry with him and since there was no more competition refused to admit her feelings.

Thetis finally took the hint and went home.

Kunzite stumbled up again and shoved Zoisite off him.

"Gosh darn," he said. But then he felt bad for his actions. "Zoisite I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me."

Zoisite threw a backhand his way, but took him back in a couple days.

FIN


	140. Metalia Makes a Hunger Games

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"What is it?" asked Queen Metalia.

"Huh?" said Jadeite. "Who are you?"

"You have a lot to learn," said Metalia. "You know, I'm tired of all you fools continuously dying and having to be brought back by me, after I brought you back the first time and you did nothing. This is the final straw. From now on, once you die, you're dead for good."

Jed gulped. He turned around and saw Nephrite punching his palm.

"No, please!" said Jadeite. "I'm just a young boy!"

"Wait, I'm not finished," said Metalia.

Jadeite fled from the Arctic.

He started walking down the streets of Tokyo cautiously.

Everything was a hazard. A wild bus flung itself and him, and Jadeite let out a shriek. But luckily, he was standing in the right spot, and the bus knocked him down but the tires did not hit him.

"Phew," said Jadeite visible shooken.

He continued to walk. Suddenly out of nowhere, someone accidentally dropped a piano out of their window.

"Shit!" cried the guy. "That was an antique!"

Jadeite leapt for cover, dodging the piano by inches.

But when he looked up, he found himself face to face with a wild lion.

"WHY IS EVERYTHING OUT TO KILL ME?!" he cried. "NOW OF ALL TIMES!?"

He turned around and ran in the other direction.

"Jadeite!" shouted Sailor Moon. "This looks like a perfect time to finish you off!"

Jadeite pulled a quick Zoisite and teleported back to the Negaverse.

"Welcome back," said Metalia when he returned. "Anyway, as I was saying,"

"Can I speak to Beryl?" asked Jadeite.

"No," said Metalia. "I put her in an eternal sleep."

"Haha," said Jadeite.

"You're next."

"Yikes!"

"AS I WAS SAYING," continued Metalia. "Sitting around in my cave got me thinking. I think we should have a Hunger Games!"

"I haven't read that yet," said Jadeite. "Don't spoil the ending."

"Too bad," said Metalia. "You better get to reading."

Jed spawned a copy and started reading. Two days later he finished the series and returned.

"Wowie, good franchise," he said. "Wait what, you wanna have one of those?!"

"Yes," said Metalia. "And no being brought back when you die."

"BUT WHY?!" cried Jed.

"You have a lot to learn," said Metalia. "Desperation is the best motivation. No one will compete seriously if they know I'll just respawn them."

"But you will just respawn us, right?"

"No," said Metalia.

Jadeite gulped.

"Now round up the others!" shouted Metalia, but instead she just warped them in herself.

As usual they weren't prepared.

Metalia shook her non-existent head.

Kunzite did his duty and unthawed Beryl.

"What'd you do that for?" asked Queen Beryl.

"I'm hypnotized, remember?" said Kunzite.

"You have a lot to learn," said Metalia.

"No, I was asking you, Metalia," said Beryl. "Why did you put me in an eternal sleep?"

"You have a lot to learn," said Metalia. "So about these Hunger Games. You five won't be enough for a good show."

"WAIT WAIT WAIT!" said Beryl. "There are only FOUR Shitennou! Are you competing, Metalia?"

Metalia raised a non-existent eyebrow.

"NO NO NO!" said Beryl. "I'm all talk! I can't compete with a select few of these guys!"

"I knew it," said Nephrite.

"Can it," said Beryl.

"Haha," said Metalia. "This will be funner than I thought. I'll put up posters around town and see who else shows up."

"You should say it's a ski contest," suggested Kunzite.

"This is why you're not leader," said Metalia.

Kunzite gasped.

A few minutes later, the contestants showed up.

Metalia picked a few ones with personality out of the bunch, and disposed of the rest.

"Wait!" said Motoki. "I have tons of personality!"

But Metalia didn't listen and disposed of him and his sister.

"So," said Melvin, one of the survivors. "Is this like a Hunger Games laser tag, or paintball? Or some kind of roll-play?

"You have lot to learn," said Metalia.

She spawned an arena and warped them all to random locations.

"Here are the rules," said Metalia. "There are no rules. Last one standing wins. Good luck."

"LET ME OUT!" cried Beryl. "I'M THE QUEEN!"

She turned around and Nephrite punched his palm. Beryl took off into the bushes.

Melvin knew that a large portion of the competition greatly outmatched him, and thus he had to strategize to survive.

"I have a 110 in math class," he said to himself. "I easily outsmart everyone except for Mercury."

With that, he began to climb a tree. "Easy does it," he said. "I'll just wait up here until everyone else kills each other! Then I'll swoop in and take out the remainder when they're weak from battle."

He took another step up the tree, but his foot slipped. He fell down and broke his neck.

Metalia rang a big bell. "Contestant Melvin, eliminated!"

"Idiot," said Nephrite.

"Darnit," said Molly. "Now to try and find Nephrite!"

"Hey Molly," said Jed bumping into her.

"Hmm," thought Jadeite. "If I help Nephy find his girl, maybe he'll let me in on his team! However, this can be my one chance to actually defeat someone before I die!"

Suddenly, Kunzite climbed out of a bush nearby.

"Aha!" he said. "So you finally decided to surrender!"

Molly and Jadeite fled without their legs, but Kunzite was on a hot pursuit.

"Look!" cried Jadeite. "The Moon Princess!"

"Where?!" cried Kunzite spinning around.

When he turned back around they were gone. "Drat, I've lost them AND the moon princess!"

It was then that a visibly shooken Zoisite flew into his arms.

"Oh Kunzite, I was so scared! I heard Nephrite's hardy laughter echoing through the trees and my whole life flashed before my eyes!"

"Haha, no need to worry anymore, Zoi-kun! I'll protect you."

"Ok," began Zoisite. "Now that I can hear my own thoughts over my teeth chattering, let's devise a plan. So far from what I've seen and heard of the competition, our foes are: Nephrite, Jadeite, Melvin already died, Beryl, Molly, Shingo, Grandpa, Chad, Diana the baby cat, one form of Mamoru Chiba but I'm not sure which, Crane Machine Joe, Yaten base form, Chibi-usa… and I think that's it."

"Hmm, so there's 15 in all? That's an odd number, but let's not worry about that for now."

Kunzite pondered it. "Yeah, out of that competition I'm easily the strongest of all. Except for Grandpa, but my speed surpasses him, so this whole thing should be a curbstomp. Just stay behind me Zoisite, and you won't get harmed at all."

"Yipee!" said Zoisite. "I slip under the radar yet again!"

Kunzite and Zoisite set off to eliminate some of the stronger foes, namely, base Yaten, Grandpa, Queen Beryl, Nephrite for personal reasons and not necessarily for strength, and Crane Machine Joe.

* * *

Jadeite and Molly wandered towards Nephrite's echoing laughter.

"I think we're getting closer," said Moll.

"Yeah, if only we could sense power levels," said Jed.

Suddenly a wild foe leapt at them out of the bushes.

Whoever it was, socked Molly and sent her in a peril state.

"Uh oh," thought Jadeite. "If it's not Nephrite, then-"

He was about to leg it, when he got socked in the chops. However it had no effect.

Jadeite picked up the opponent by the back of the shirt and held him up to the light.

"Hey, let me go!" squeaked Shingo. He threw punches but he couldn't reach Jed.

"D'ah," said Jed. "It's just a lil' squirt. Hey, lil' squirt!"

Shingo spit in his face, and Jadeite went to finish him off.

"Looks like I'm gonna get a kill after all!"

"Hey I know you!" said Molly. "You're Usagi's brother!"

"What of it?" barked Shingo.

"Come on Jadeite, spare the poor kid. It's not like he's a threat!"

Molly climbed to her feet, shaking.

"Do you wanna go?" asked Shingo.

"No thanks," said Molly.

Another foe walked in front of them.

"Nephrite?!" called Molly hopefully.

Queen Beryl smirked. "Ah, Jadeite, and his two meat shields. Even without my crystal ball, I should make light work of them!"

"Queen Beryl!" said Jadeite. "Let's work together!"

"I'll pass," said Beryl. "If I'm gonna team, I'm gonna team with someone good!"

With that, Beryl spawned a giant crystal. "AHHHHHHHH!" she shrieked.

Jadeite, Molly, and Shingo leapt into the foliage for cover.

"Get back here!" yelled Beryl.

"We don't have enough time to find Nephrite!" realized Jed. "Almost everyone in this competition is stronger than me besides the weak humans! Except for Zoisite who's smarter but not stronger!"

"Then what do we do?!" cried Molly.

"Let's get out of here!" decided Jed.

"You mean escape the Hunger Games?!"

"Yes," said Jadeite. "Easy. We'll slip out and no one will notice."

"Heh," said Shingo. "This old coot might just be onto something."

"Huh?" said Jadeite. "I'm just a wee lad! Well, not a lil' midge boy like you, but I'm certainly not old!"

Shingo went to get in another snarky remark, but they heard gunfire in the distance.

"Let's leg it!" said Molly.

They quickly scurried to the edge of the map, and hopped the fence.

They saw the exit of the Negaverse, but first they had to run through 50 meters of deadzone.

"We can make it," promised Jed. "Run as fast as your legs can take you!"

"Uh oh," said Shingo. "My legs are stubby."

"Haha," said Jadeite.

He took off to the exit, ditching the humans. Five meters out of the map, Metalia appeared.

Jadeite tripped over his own feet and fell to the ground.

"Oops!" cried Jadeite. "This wasn't the map anymore? My bad, I'm heading back in!"

Metalia erased Jed and the other escapees.

She rang a bell. "The following bozos were eliminated: Jadeite, Molly, and Shingle."

"NO!" cried Nephrite.

"Haha," laughed Zoisite.

That's when they realized they were near each other.

Nephrite took the opportunity and charged Zoisite like a Wildman. He leapt out of the bushes with eyes full of bloodlust, but then he spotted Kunzite. He skidded to a halt and did a quick 360.

"After him!" yelled Zoisite.

They dashed into the bushes after Nephrite.

Kunzite was hot on his tail, but Nephrite took a quick slide to the right and covered his tracks.

When Zoisite caught up moments later panting, Kunzite frowned.

"I don't know how he gave me the slip! I was right on him, then bam! It's like he vanished!"

"Don't worry about it," said Zoisite. "If we come across him again we'll just kill him then."

* * *

"Alright, Chad," said Grandpa. "Do you have your broom?"

"SHyyaaa yaaa!" said Chad.

"Good," said Grandpa. "We're gonna need it."

"Who should we take out first?" asked Chad.

"Let's stay away from Zoisite," said Grandpa. "I might win, but it will be close."

"I know who," said Chad. "Let's get that white-ponytailed dweeb up there! Hey, queerboy!"

Yaten base spun around. "Hmm, regular earthlings? Easy pickings."

Yaten base charged despite his lack of abilities.

Chad threw a quick karate chop, but Yaten leapt over him with his hands still in his pockets.

He landed in front of Grandpa and threw a quick punch.

"Ouch!" cried Grandpa.

"I'll have you know," said Yaten. "I fought with THE Makoto Hino in this form. And I was somehow superior!"

Grandpa was shaking in his boots. "Should I go lobster?" he wondered.

But he didn't have time to think because another blow went flying his way.

However, Grandpa was a superb martial artist. He caught the blow and delivered one of equal strength.

Yaten made the mistake of underestimating Grandpa, and the blow landed painfully on his cheek.

"That's it, old man!" he shouted.

He threw a high-kick at Grandpa, but kick-boxing was one of the many forms of martial arts that Grandpa learned in his youth.

He snapped Yaten's foot in half with his own powerful thigh, and then did a flip kick, slicing off Yaten's pony tail.

"NO!" cried Yaten. "That's the source of my strength!"

While Yaten was mourning the loss of his ponytail he had been growing out since he was just a girl, Chad went in to karate chop him in the back.

But Yaten sensed his low power level and dodged the blow, causing Chad's chop to collide with Grandpa's shiny bald noggin.

"Chad!" shouted Grandpa. He slugged Chad so hard all his bones broke.

Chad crumpled to the ground.

Yaten used this state of peril to his advantage, and disposed of Chad with one stomp.

"NO!" said Grandpa. "I only wanted to hurt the boy, not kill him! You're gonna pay for that!"

Grandpa was so angry that he turned lobster without even thinking about it.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" he shouted.

Yaten realized he should have transformed a little sooner.

But he was already dead from the shockwaves of Grandpa's transformation.

Beryl and the Shitennou sensed Grandpa's power from all corners of the map.

"Yikes," said Zoisite. "We should stay away from there."

"I agree," said Kunzite. "We'll take him out at the end."

Just then, Crane Machine Joe leapt out of the bushes and threw a punch.

"Zoi!" yelled Zoisite, holding off Crane Machine with simple petals.

Crane Machine realized he had to take his true form. Video Game Joe, the Youma, emerged.

It ignored Zoisite and went straight for Kunzite.

Kunzite wiped him out with simple magic.

"HAHAHAHAHAHHA!" yelled Kunzite. "No one is strong enough to stop me here! They should just call the competition now!"

"Hmm," said a voice.

"Haha," laughed Kunzite. "Is it time for my next victim already?"

He turned around and saw a season two baddie, and it wasn't Rubeus or Emerald.

"Uh oh," said Kunzite.

Sapphire fired a powerful blast, wiping out Zoisite and mortally wounding Kunzite.

"NO!" cried Kunzite. "You won't get away with this!"

Kunzite fled.

* * *

Nephrite was still running when he smashed into Beryl.

Beryl readied her crystal, but dropped it when she saw it was Nephrite.

"Oh boy," said Beryl. "I didn't even get to take out Jed."

Nephrite put on a cocky smirk. "I don't have time for the likes of you Beryl. I have bigger fish to fry."

"You mean you want to go get beat up by Kunzite?" Beryl asked.

"Can it," said Nephrite.

"Listen," said Beryl. "If we were to come to blows, it would be a pretty even fight."

Nephrite laughed. "No, I'd curbstomp you."

"I wouldn't say curb," said Beryl. "But it would still be a close one."

"No," repeated Nephrite.

"Anyway," said Beryl. "Both of us are too weak to take out Kunzite, or Grandpa on our own. We should team up."

Nephrite analyzed his competition momentarily. "D'ah," he finally said. "It hurts my pride but I have no other option."

Nephrite chuckled quietly. "After me and Beryl take out everyone, I can take her out like a walk in the park."

Beryl started to sweat, but she knew she'd cross that bridge when she came to it.

They climbed a tree to lookout and see if any foes were approaching.

* * *

Chiba-usa wandered through the woods in a hot sweat.

"Why did I get brought into this one?! I'm usually not a part of these stories, and I'd like for it to stay that way!"

Suddenly a cross-eyed red apeman approached her.

"Hello, friendly ape," she said nervously.

Grandpa licked his lips.

"Yikes!" squeaked Chibi-usa. She headed for the hills, but Grandpa's strong suit was his speed.

He picked her up in one of his big meaty claws, and held her above his open gullet.

"Not so fast!" said Tuxedo Mask from a treetop. "Young girls don't deserve to be eaten by perverted old men disguised as lobsters! You don't know who I am, and you don't want to, because I-"

Grandpa let out another soundwave shriek, destroying Tuxedo Mask.

"NO!" cried Chibi-usa, injured but not out. She knew it was time for her last and only resort. "Crystal twinkle bell!"

But no one came.

Pegasus started to head towards the Negaverse, he really did, but knew he was no match for Metalia. He went home. "Now to find myself another youngling, preferably even younger!"

"D'ah," said Chibi-usa.

Grandpa made her no more.

"Who's next?!" bellowed Grandpa.

Beryl and Nephrite, who saw the battle from miles away, looked at each other.

"After you," said Nephrite. "Ladies first!"

"Exactly, so you go!" insisted Beryl.

"I'm not a girl," said Nephrite.

"Your hair says otherwise," said Beryl.

"Alright, alright, I'll go," said Nephrite. "No need to be mean!"

Nephrite headed towards Grandpa, dragging Beryl with him.

"Hey you!" said Nephrite.

Grandpa turned around.

"Ugly beast," spat Nephrite.

Grandpa was so furious that he forgot his basic training and charged without looking at his surroundings.

Nephrite called forth the power of the stars. "Starlight Attack!" he shouted.

Grandpa tanked through it, but was slowed down by 50%. Right as he neared Nephrite, and got ready to attack, there was an opening.

Beryl did her one move. "AHHHHHHHHHHH!" she screamed, throwing her black crystal right at Grandpa's heart.

Normally, he would have heard her screech and dodged, but as mentioned before he forgot his basic training and didn't look as his surroundings.

He was moondusted.

"Easy does it," said Nephrite.

"That was all me," said Beryl.

"You have a lot to learn," said Nephrite. "Desperation is the best motivation."

"Do you want to die?" asked Beryl.

"Try me," said Nephrite.

Suddenly Kunzite appeared.

"Well, well, well," he said. "I guess I can finish you two off before I meet Zoisite's fate. It's a real shame, I used to like Beryl. Oh well."

"WAIT WAIT WAIT!" cried Beryl. "What do you mean, meet Zoisite's fate?"

"Some crazy season two guy is after me!" said Kunzite. "I wouldn't have thought Metalia would have thrown in such a curbstomper!"

"Season two guy?" sputtered Beryl. "Is it Rubeus, Emerald, or the sisters?!"

"That's just it," said Kunzite. "It's not."

Beryl and Nephrite gasped.

"So you can't kill us!" exclaimed Nephrite.

"That's a relief," said Beryl.

"I can still kill you," said Kunzite. "In no time flat, actually. But Nephrite's right, I might need your assistance."

"I don't know if I wanna help," said Nephrite.

"Would you prefer to die now then?" asked Kunzite. "Or after we beat Sapphire? It's your call, I don't really care anymore."

"Hmm," thought Nephrite. "Maybe Kunzite will be so weakened after the scrap, I can actually take him down. It's worth the shot."

"Alright," said Nephrite. "I guess I'll help."

"Hmm," said Kunzite. "Here he comes."

"How do you know?" asked Beryl.

Kunzite shook his head. "You have a lot to learn, for example how to sense power levels."

Beryl summoned a huge crystal. "AHHHHHHHHH!"

"What was that?" asked Kunzite.

"It's part of the attack," explained Beryl. "I figured I'd do the scream beforehand, so maybe I could sneak up on the guy."

"Hey there," said Sapphire.

"Hello," said Nephrite.

"You know," said Sapphire. "I thought this was a season 2+ competition I was signing up for. I'm a little disappointed."

"Hmm," said Nephrite.

"THIS ONE'S FOR ZOISITE!" shouted Kunzite wildly charging.

"I CALL FORTH THE POWER OF THE STARS!" yelled Nephrite.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" repeated Beryl at double volume.

They all fired their best attacks, and it was a close battle.

Nephrite and Beryl were the first to drop.

"Surprise, surprise," thought Kunzite. "Whelp time to go all out!"

Kunzite went all out, and lasted for longer than anyone expected, but sadly it wasn't enough.

However, Sapphire did sustain major injuries from the struggle.

"Wow," said Sapphire. "I didn't think he had it in him. Whelp, looks like I won anyway, which is all that really matters."

Suddenly he heard steps that sounded like suction cups on a window.

Before he could even turn around, something nipped his ear, and he was defeated.

Diana the baby cat let out a light mew.

"Mewww," she mewed.

"WE HAVE A WINNER!" shouted Metalia, who had also realized she stopped announcing the deaths long ago.

Metalia pulled Diana the baby cat from the battle field.

"So it's you," said Metalia. "The toughest of the entire competition. The point of this was to choose someone to be the queen of the Negaverse. Congratulations, Queen. You've earned it."

"Thanks," said baby cat.

Metalia smiled.

"But no thanks," said baby cat.

She nipped Metalia, and Metalia was no more.

"Good fight," said Diana. "Back to the future for me!"

Diana returned to her time and told no one of her true power.

FIN


	141. Jadeite Loses the Black Crystal

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Here Jadeite, I have something to loan you. It's not mine, so I need it back," said Beryl.

She tossed Jadeite the Black Crystal.

"What's this?" he asked. "Is this one of those throwin' crystals that you and Zoisite use?"

He was about to throw the crystal over his head like a spear, but Beryl screeched incoherently.

"That's not a toy, Jadeite! You must use it to find the Silver Crystal!"

"Me?!" gasped Jadeite. "Find the Silver Crystal? That seems like more of a Nephrite job to me."

"Well, it was," said Beryl. "But Nephrite's love for a human girl interrupted the signal."

"What a wuss," said Jadeite.

"Watch it," warned Beryl. "Nephrite could destroy you with the flick of his wrist."

"I see," said Jadeite. He teleported away swiftly.

After he left, Nephrite and Zoisite teleported in at the same moment.

"Queen Beryl!" they cried. "Where is my crystal?!"

"Your crystal?!" exclaimed Zoisite.

"Yes," said Nephrite. "I made it."

"Oh," said Zoisite. "Oh yeah. Then why did Beryl give it to me like she made it? Especially after I took it from you and gave it to her first."

"Silence!" yelled Beryl. "I lent it to a friend."

"Oh boy," groaned Nephrite. "It better not be Jadeite."

"Uh oh," said Beryl.

* * *

Jadeite walked across a four lane highway in an overcoat.

"Guide me to the crystal, crystal!" he commanded.

He followed the blinking light at the tip of it.

"That means go this way, right? This isn't a compass, I'm not sure where it's pointing."

The cars swerved out of the way to not hit the guy wandering across the street not looking.

Jadeite stared intently at the crystal. "Is this thing on?"

He continued walking in a straight line to follow the light. He walked face first into a pole.

The crystal changed directions and pointed to the right, so Jadeite headed right and walked into a wall.

"Owowowowo," he said. "Is this crystal playin' a fast one on me?"

The crystal pointed backwards.

"Are you sure?" Jadeite asked.

The crystal nodded.

"Alright, if you say so!"

Jadeite headed backwards and tripped over a fire hydrant.

"Youch!" said Jadeite. "I should really look where I'm going!"

Just then, Nephrite and Zoisite appeared in front of Jadeite.

"Give me my crystal back!" yelled Nephrite.

"He means my crystal," said Zoisite. "Give it here."

Jadeite was conflicted. "Umm… ummm… Crystal, point me to your owner!"

The crystal pointed at Jadeite. Jadeite blushed. "See?" he said. "I'm only following Beryl's orders."

"There's no way you'll make it a day without losing it," said Nephrite. "Just fork it back over to someone more competent."

"I'm competent!" cried Jadeite. "Come on, you can trust me with it!" Jadeite insisted, extending his arms.

He accidentally dropped the crystal into a sewer grate.

"D'oh!" said Jadeite.

Nephrite and Zoisite dived for it, but it was too late.

They watched as the sewer water splashed below them and took the crystal downstream.

"Now look what you did!" yelled Nephrite.

"Can't you just make another one?" asked Jadeite. "I mean Zoisite spawns crystals all the time."

"It's not that simple!" shouted Nephrite. "There's only one, and there will only ever be one!"

"D'ah," said Jadeite with little remorse. "Looks like we'll have to go sewer diving. That's not much different from my normal dumpster diving!"

Nephrite and Zoisite frowned.

"Poor Jed," said Nephrite.

"Poor me!" said Zoisite. "I don't want to wreak like sewage, I just cleaned these boots! Oh, and my old nemeses the rats…"

Zoisite visibly shuttered.

"What's up with you and small critters?" asked Nephrite. "You can't take crows, you can't take rats… you call yourself a warrior?"

"No," said Zoisite. "I've never once called myself a warrior. I'm more of a tactical strategist. The brains of the Negaverse."

"If you're the brains then I must be the brawn!" said Nephrite.

Zoisite laughed. "Hahahah yeah right."

"If you guys are the brawns and the brains," said Jadeite. "Then the Negaverse must be some autistic chimp."

"WOAH!" they both gasped.

"We were just having fun with some light banter!" exclaimed Zoisite.

"I didn't know you had it in you, Jed," said Nephrite with pride.

"Let's just go get this over with," said Jed. He pulled the grate up and leapt down into the sewer water.

"You know there was a ladder, and a walkway," called Zoisite.

"Geronimo!" yelled Nephrite leaping in like a fool.

Zoisite climbed down the ladder shaking his head.

* * *

Kunzite sat on his throne sipping tea and playing Candy Crush Saga on his phone.

"mmm," he said. "I could go for some candy."

His game was interrupted by a text.

"Stall Beryl," it read.

"Y," replied Kunzite.

"We lost the BC, she will b mad!" Zoisite texted back.

"Smh," responded Kunzite.

"?" asked Zoisite.

"Shaking my head," typed Kunzite.

"Ah," said Zoisite. "GLHF."

Kunzite walked into Beryl's throne room.

"Queen Beryl, m'lady!" he said.

"Watch it," said Beryl. "Is this some kind of diversion?"

"Diversion?!" gasped Kunzite in indignation.

"Do I have to kill Zoisite?" asked Beryl.

"No," said Kunzite. "Want to see my new juggling tricks? I just watched this VCR tape of how to juggle in 30 minutes, and I'm starting to get the hang of it!"

"Mmm, okay," said Beryl. She tossed him some flaming torches. "Drop one and it's over for Zoisite," she warned.

Kunzite started to sweat.

* * *

Zoisite desperately shot his flashlight in all directions, looking for rats. "I won't let them get the jump on me this time!"

"Hey, why's this wall so soft and squishy?" asked Jadeite.

"Please tell me it's not mice," begged Zoisite.

"No worries," said Jadeite. "It's not mice, it's bats."

"no no n on o ONN OO!" said Zoisite speeding up.

They continued through the sewers.

"Umm… guys?" said Zoisite nervously.

"What is it now?" asked Nephrite.

"Do you feel like… something is breathing down your neck?"

"Now that you mention it," said Jadeite.

Zoisite slowly turned around and turned on his flashlight.

They found themselves face to face with none other than the devil himself.

"I FEEL EVIL!" yelled Grandpa.

The Shitennou all shrieked and held each other.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" they cried.

"Relax, youngsters," laughed Grandpa. "Me and my pal Chad here are on our own search."

"Oh, it's just you, Grandpa," said Jadeite, calming down but not really. "What are you looking for anyway?"

"We don't have time for this," said Nephrite.

Grandpa shot him a glare that could have killed him if it was stronger.

Nephrite backed off.

"Well," continued Grandpa. "Chad and I flushed Rei's goldfish down the toilet because we thought it had died, and we didn't think she could bare seeing its dead carcass."

"And?" asked Jadeite.

"She told us that fish sleep upside-down. So now we're trying to find it."

"SHyyyaaaa yyyaaaaa braaah!" concluded Chad.

"I see," said Jadeite. "Well, good luck on the hunt!"

They slowly walked away while still facing Grandpa, and then took off in a sprint.

"That was a close one," panted Zoisite.

"I saw my whole life flash before my eyes," agreed Jed.

"Meh," said Nephrite. "I wasn't even a bit scared."

He was still as white as a sheet.

"Nephrite, you're still shaking," said Zoisite.

"Don't touch me!" cried Nephrite.

"I didn't," said Zoisite.

"Uh oh," said Nephrite.

They turned around and hesitantly turned on the flashlight.

"RAWWWWWWWWWWWWWR!" roared a giant mutant goldfish.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" they all screamed.

They all took off running, but the goldfish now had front and hind legs. It sprinted after them like a horse at rapid accelerations.

They reached a fork in the road as they ran.

"Right or left?!" asked Jadeite.

"Which way do you think we should go, Zoisite?" asked Nephrite.

"Umm… ummm….!"

"I know!" said Jadeite. "Let's just ask the Black Crystal. Oh wait!"

"Right!" cried Zoisite suddenly.

They sprinted to the right.

They instantly reached a dead end.

"Good job Zoisite," said Nephrite.

"Can it!" cried Zoisite.

The giant mutant goldfish closed in on them.

"This is the end," said Jadeite. "I always loved you guys, some a little more than others…"

The goldfish licked its lips.

"Eat Nephrite first!" cried Zoisite. "He has the most meat on his bones!"

"You don't want me," said Nephrite. "I have diarrhea!"

"Yuck," said Jadeite. "Just eat me and get this over with. My expiration date isn't too far anyway."

Just as the goldfish started to put Jadeite in its mouth, Grandpa flew up and clubbed him on the head.

The goldfish passed out.

"Good job, Grampa!" said Chad.

"You weren't gonna do it, ya lil' ninny!" said Grandpa. "As for you three, grow some backbones! You were gonna be totally toasted had I not come along."

"I'm glad you did the right thing, Grandpa," said Jadeite.

"Yeah," said Zoisite. "You could have just waited five seconds to knock the fish out, so we could have got rid of Jadeite."

"Hmm," said Grandpa, reconsidering. "I'll remember that next time. So long!"

Grandpa got the front and Chad got the back of the fish, and they hauled it away.

"I can never get a read on that guy," said Nephrite.

* * *

"Sorry!" said Kunzite, moving his piece to knock over Beryl's. "See?" he said. "Isn't 'Sorry' a fun game?"

"I hate it!" shouted Beryl. "How can people on Earth play this?! They're even eviler than I am!"

"Aww come on," said Kunzite. "You're getting the hang of it!"

Beryl drew a card. "Back four spaces," she read out loud.

"Sorry," said Kunzite.

Beryl flipped the game board. "This is boring!" she shouted. "Where are the Shitennou with more personality?!"

"Ummm," said Kunzite. "I have a new game we can play! It's called, Rock Paper Scissors. You see, you can make three gestures with your hands, and-"

"I know how to play!" shouted Beryl.

"Ok, ready?" asked Kunzite. "Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!"

He threw down a rock.

Beryl did not move.

"Gosh, Beryl," said Kunzite. "You said you knew how to play."

Beryl angrily threw down a paper.

"Easy," she said.

"Drat, spoiled again," said Kunzite.

* * *

Three days later…

They finally got to the end of the sewer, and left out of a pipe.

They were in a waste dump.

"Whelp, we didn't find the crystal," said Jadeite sadly.

"Wait, I see it!" exclaimed Zoisite. "At the top of that trash heap!"

"How did it end up there?" asked Nephrite.

"Who knows," said Jed. "Last one to the crystal's a rotten Beryl!"

He skipped up towards the crystal.

But Zoisite made an incredible leap over Jadeite, landing on top of the heap.

He held the crystal over his head. "HAHahahahah it's mine! After climbing through sewers for three days, I win! It was all worth it!"

Suddenly he was shot with a rose, and he toppled backwards, knocking over Jed and Nephrite and falling into a pile of garbage.

"Who?!" he demanded.

"I thought you'd be happy to see your old friend, Tuxedo Mask again!" said Tuxedo Mask.

But standing behind Tuxedo Mask was none other than the rest of the Mamoru Quartet, consisting of: Green sweater Mamoru Chiba, Prince Endymion, and last but certainly not least, the Hero of Arabia, the Moonlight Knight!

"You guys!" shouted Nephrite.

Tuxedo Mask picked up the crystal.

"mmmm," he said. "With this crystal, I'll finally be able to figure out if I'm Tuxedo Mask or not!"

"What is this, Australian rules?!" shouted Zoisite.

"Hahahaha," said Tuxedo. "What do you say, boys? Should we sick it to em'?

"I won't stand for this!" shouted Nephrite. He went to take out their strongest warrior, Prince Endymion, and threw a wild suckerpunch.

Prince Endymion flew backwards, but quickly rose to his feet. He walked up to Nephrite and socked him in the stomach. Nephrite retaliated with a powerful karate chop to his neck.

But Prince Endymion didn't let that one slide, and threw a powerful uppercut to Nephrite's jaw.

"Youch," said Nephrite rubbing his jaw. "Let's see how strong you really are post-Kunzite training!"

He backhanded Prince Endymion, and Prince Endymion reacted with his own backhand.

They began exchanging blows, and it looked like Nephrite had the upper-hand.

But suddenly, the Moonlight Knight wrapped himself around Nephrite, and yelled something in Arabic.

He blew himself up, and Nephrite collapsed to the ground.

The Moonlight Knight rose to his feet.

"Uh oh," said Zoisite. "Alright, Jadeite, here's the plan! I'll get Mamoru Chiba base, and you take on the other three!"

"That doesn't sound very fair!" said Jadeite.

But Zoisite had already charged Mamoru Chiba.

He spawned a crystal and lunged at him. But Mamoru Chiba pulled out a completely non-magical rose from his pocket. He threw it at Zoisite.

"My face!" cried Zoisite. "You'll pay for this!"

He tackled Mamoru Chiba to the ground, and started throwing punches in an uncharacteristic display of aggression.

But Mamoru Chiba wasn't going to go down without a fight.

Meanwhile, the other three Mamoru forms surrounded Jadeite.

"This is gonna get ugly," said Jadeite. But then he smirked. "Not for me!"

He shot lightning out of his hands and flew up into the air. Tuxedo Mask jumped up as well. So did the others.

They played a dramatic air game of Ring around the Rosie, until finally Jadeite tackled his first victim, Tuxedo Mask.

He then immediately flew to the next one, and tackled the other two like connect-the-dots.

Prince Endymion was already weakened from the previous battle, so despite his Negapower, he went down without a fight.

Three roses – one red, one white, and one black – all floated to the surface of the water that was randomly by the dump.

Jadeite rose out of the water and fell to the ground.

"That was a tough fight," he admitted.

A couple seconds later, Zoisite walked up to him soaked in blood.

"That was a tough fight," he admitted. "But I finally came through and defeated Mamoru Chiba's human form."

"Good job," said Jadeite, but he didn't really mean it.

"Hey, where's the crystal?" asked Zoisite.

"D'ah," said Jadeite. He swam to the bottom of the ocean and retrieved it from Tuxedo Mask's corpse.

"Looks like we beat them!" said Jadeite, holding it up over his head.

Just then, he was hit by a two-dimension rose, and he dropped the crystal.

"How did you do this to me?!" he cried.

The hologram of future King Endymion strolled up and retrieved the Black Crystal.

He made a dash for the hills.

But Zoisite threw a crystal long range, and tripped holographic future King Endymion.

He hit the ground and faded from existence, because he was just a hologram.

Zoisite picked up the crystal and instantly teleported to the Negaverse. "I've learned my lesson at last," he said.

Jadeite dragged Nephrite's unconscious body to the North Pole.

Somehow they ended up entering at the same moment.

* * *

Kunzite continued applying red nail polish to Beryl's long inhuman fingernails.

"Watch it!" shouted Beryl. "Your hands are too unsteady!"

Kunzite accidentally bumped her one hand with his cape before the nail polish dried.

"NO!" she shouted. "That's it! Go get Zoisite, he knows how to do nail polish better. Wait a second, where has Zoisite been the past four days, anyway?"

"Sleeping!" screamed Kunzite.

"Is this your way of telling me you want Zoisite to have an eternal sleep?" asked Beryl.

"No ma'am!" said Kunzite.

"Say," said Beryl. "Same goes for Jadeite and Nephrite. Where have they been?"

Kunzite was now dripping with sweat. "You want a massage, my queen?"

"Sure," she began. "No, wait, this isn't the time for that! What's going on?! Why are you trying to stall me?!"

"I… umm…. I'm… I'm pregnant!" shouted Kunzite.

"Lies!" screamed Beryl. "I bet the Shitennou goofed up again, didn't they?!"

"I need an adult!" cried Kunzite, choking.

"Ah, it's all very clear to me now," said Beryl. "They wanted you to stall me so I wouldn't realize their blunder while they fix it! But I'm tired of this game! I'm going to give you a stern warning, and then I'm going to kill Jadeite and Zoisite!"

"What about Nephrite?!" cried Kunzite.

"I'll give him a stern warning as well," threatened Beryl.

She stood up out of her throne.

That's when Kunzite knew she was serious.

"She's serious," he said to himself.

"Zoisite, Jadeite!" howled Beryl. "And also Nephrite but take your time! Report to me this instant or die!"

Just then, Nephrite, who had awaken by then, Zoisite, and Jadeite all marched in.

"Queen Beryl!" they exclaimed. "We got the Black Crystal!"

"You got the Silver Crystal?!" gasped Beryl in shock. "Just when I was about to kill you!"

"Ohhhhh, the Silver Crystal," remembered Jadeite. "That old thing! Well ya see, we didn't quite recover that yet, but we got the Black one!"

"I gave you the Black one!" screamed Beryl.

"Well actually," began Nephrite.

"I don't want to hear it!" said Beryl. "You all should be ashamed of yourselves! Who did you lose the Black Crystal to, anyway?"

"The sewers," said Jadeite.

"They why is Nephrite half-unconscious, Zoisite covered in blood, and Jadeite ultimately unscathed?"

"Well actually, my queen," said Jadeite. "We encountered a Grandpa and a giant mutant goldfish. And then we clashed with none other than the Mamoru Quartet!"

"The… the Mamoru Quartet?" sputtered Beryl. "You mean there's still four of them?"

"Yes," said Nephrite.

"New agenda, guys!" exclaimed Beryl, completely forgetting their past blunders. "I'll tell you what I want, but you probably already have a guess!"

The Shitennou sighed.

"I wish I could make a Black Crystal to find them," remarked Nephrite.

FIN


	142. Jadeite Joins the Army

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Go for it," said Beryl.

"Sorry I can't," said Jadeite. "I'm joining the US Army."

"Huh?" said Beryl.

Jadeite ripped off his Shitennou uniform, revealing a military uniform beneath.

"I wrote the next ten weeks of new sources of energy on the whiteboard on the fridge. Tell Nephrite to take a look if he gets the chance. Farewell!"

A plane swooped down and shipped Jadeite off to boot camp.

While Jadeite sat on the plane, shaking with anticipation, a Skype notification popped up on his laptop.

"Call me," Nephrite messaged him.

Jadeite sent him a Skype call and he answered at once.

"Jadeite!" said Nephrite who turned on his video cam.

Jed turned on his so Nephrite wouldn't feel self-conscious.

Nephrite was too close to the camera.

"Jadeite, what are you doing joining the US Army?"

"Destiny called," said Jadeite. "All I did was answer."

"Hold on," said Nephrite. "Molly's calling, let me add her to the call."

"Nephroyt?" answered Molly. She was too close to the camera.

"Alright," said Jadeite. "Everyone move back a couple feet."

They didn't move.

"Uh oh," said Molly. "I think you're lagging, Jadeite. Where are you?"

"Above the Atlantic Ocean," explained Jadeite.

"D'ah," said Nephrite. "I heard there's bad reception out there."

"Hold on," said Molly. "Melvin's calling."

"Alright," said Jed. "I'll add him."

"NO!" cried Nephrite but it was too late.

"Hidy ho!" said Melvin. "Well golly, we got ourselves a little pow-wow here! Let me add my internet friends!"

"Okay," said Jadeite.

"Stop!" yelled Nephrite.

Zoisite and Kunzite joined the call, as well as Grandpa.

"Melvin, what do you want?" demanded Kunzite. "Oh hey Jed, I heard you joined the US Army!"

"Are we still up for a round of Club Parakeet?" asked Grandpa.

"Can it, Grandpa," said Kunzite. "I'm talking to Jed."

"Take a step back from the camera, Kunzite," suggested Jed.

Kunzite ignored him. "Why the US Army? Why not, like Japan's army?"

"Why not the North Pole army?" countered Jadeite. "When fate knocks on your door, you answer. 'Nuff said."

"Oh boy, Motoki came online!" exclaimed Melvin.

"Let's add him!" said Jed.

"N-O-O-O," lagged Nephrite. "I'm starting to get laggy! You're not supposed to have this many people in a video call!"

Jed started calling Motoki and everyone's box shrunk another couple inches.

"Hey there!" said Motoki. "Can I add my girlfriend Reika?"

"Okay," said Jadeite.

"Stop!" said Kunzite.

"Motoki-san?" asked Reika.

"I can't hear you," said Motoki. "How's Africa?"

Molly completely lagged out and Jadeite kicked her from the call.

"If you're kicking people, kick Grandpa!" insisted Nephrite. "He's not contributing anything to the conversation, he's just screen-sharing Club Parakeet!"

"No, no!" said Melvin. "I gotta see what's happening!"

Melvin's box had been shrunk to about 1x1cm.

"Jadeite!" began Zoisite. "I heard you joined the US Army!"

"Yes," said Jed. "We discussed this while you were in the call."

"Oh, my speakers weren't working," said Zoisite.

"This is just a grand time," said Motoki.

"Shit!" cried Grandpa. "I can't believe I lost that match!"

"It was close," said Melvin.

"Someone kick Grandpa!" yelled Nephrite. "His screen-share is taking up most of the Skype call!"

"I can't," said Jadeite.

"But you're the leader of the call!" said Kunzite.

"Not anymore," said Jadeite. "Somehow Grandpa's the call leader now!"

"Wait how did that happen?" asked Kunzite.

"Hey, I'm the leader?" asked Grandpa.

He kicked everyone but Melvin from the call.

Nephrite started a new one, but only added the other Shitennou.

Motoki started spam calling them and messaging them to be added. They had to block his Skype.

"So," said Nephrite. "Do you even have a reason?"

"Actually I do," said Jadeite. "It's all part of the plan! You see, when they make us do group activities such as running track, I'll pretend to be really weak and make the whole group have to repeat the activity! Then, the second time, I'll use my powers to complete it in an instant so that they know I was purposely doing bad to make them run extra laps!"

"You fiend!" shouted Kunzite. "You'll never get away with it!"

"Watch me," said Jadeite.

"No," said Nephrite. "You can't!"

"Watch me," said Jadeite.

"You don't understand," continued Nephrite. "If you do that, in the night while you're sleeping, they'll beat you with bars of soap in their pillow cases! I've seen too many documentaries on it… too many deaths."

"Hah, that's what I'm hoping for!" cackled Jadeite. He left the call.

There was some dead silence for a while and it got awkward.

Nephrite added one of his contacts to the call.

"Yo, who is this?" demanded Shingo. "What's up, D-bags?"

Zoisite and Kunzite left the call.

"Damn!" said Nephrite. "Now I'm stuck in a call with Shingo! What an unfortunate turn of events!"

* * *

Jadeite hopped off the plane and took in his surroundings.

"Mmm, boot camp! I haven't been to boot camp since the Silver Millennium!"

"Listen up, maggots!" shouted the sergeant.

"Quiet down," said Jadeite. "I'm trying to read a book."

"OHHHHHH, we got ourselves a wiseguy!" said the sergeant.

"Yes," said Jadeite. "That's why I'm trying to read, so I can get smarter."

The sergeant picked up his book and ripped in half. "What's your name, maggot?"

"You're going to have to pay for that book," stated Jadeite. "That was $20 at Barnes and Noble."

"FOOL!" screamed the sergeant. "Why didn't you just buy it at Walmart?!"

"You have a lot to learn," said Jed.

The sergeant took a swing at him, but Jadeite saw it coming a mile away.

The fist collided with Jadeite's rock hard cheek and the sergeant's bones shattered.

Jadeite chuckled. "I hope you were kidding."

All the soldiers gasped in awe.

The sergeant was steamed. "Go run 20 laps!" he told everyone. "If you're not done in 10 minutes, you'll have to run 20 more!"

Everyone took off.

Jadeite walked at a slow pace.

"Speed up!" yelled his comrades.

"Sorry," said Jadeite. "This is as fast as I can go!"

"Come on!" encouraged Kenji Tsukino, Usagi's father, who also joined the US military for reasons unknown. "You can do it!"

"I just can't," said Jadeite. "I'm at my limit!"

The ten minutes passed and they waited another 20 minutes for Jed to finish.

"I'm disappointed," said the sergeant.

"Come on!" insisted everyone. "We all finished except for that one weakling!"

"Sorry," said the sergeant. "You're all a team. So if one of you doesn't finish, you all don't finish. Another 20!"

Everyone scowled at Jed.

Then they looked at each other. They all made soap-like gestures, agreeing that that was the route that they would need to take.

Jed took off in a mad sprint and finished the next 20 laps in under 2 minutes.

"Gf," he said.

"WHAT GIVES?!" demanded Kenji. "That guy was just goofing off the first time!"

"Tee hee," said Jed. He scampered away.

"That's it," said the boys. "Time to teach this punk a lesson."

* * *

Jadeite went to bed early that night. His bunker mates waited for the sound of his snoring.

Then, they all got up and filled their pillow cases with hard bars of soap.

But this was exactly what Jed was waiting for. He readied himself to pounce.

Right when Kenji went to swing down his soap sack at Jed's exposed torso, Jadeite extended his arm and caught it.

"Huh?" cried Kenji.

Jadeite snatched the soap sack from Kenji's hand and started beating everyone down with the soap.

"How is he so strong?!" cried Kenji and the others.

Kenji was unable to recover and died shortly after.

Nearly everyone was killed.

The sergeant came dashing in with a pillow case made of stone and spikes, filled with one ton bars of soap.

"This ends now!" he stated.

"Come at me, pretty boy!" said Jed.

The sergeant was thrown off and paused, and Jadeite attacked.

It took one quick clobber to the head and another two directly into the heart for Jed to take down the sergeant.

The sergeant had been so tough that he wasn't one-shotted like the others, and in fact it took three whole shots for Jadeite to take him out.

"Easy does it," said Jadeite.

He teleported home.

"Hey guys, I did it," said Jadeite covered in blood.

"Good job," said Zoisite. "Did you drop the soap?"

"No," said Jadeite. "You wish."

"D'ah," said Zoisite. "Whelp, you're more extreme than we ever could have imagined. Keep it up at this rate and you'll get energy in no time!"

"Wow Zoisite, you really think I could get energy?" asked Jadeite.

"I mean, it's not impossible, but it's unlikely."

"I don't know what to say," said Jadeite, gushing. "Thank you."

* * *

That night, Jed waited for Nephrite to go to bed.

"Time to flip the cards!" said Jed with a wild smirk.

He creeped up on Nephrite and readied the soap bar in pillowcase.

"DIE!" he shouted, but Nephrite was waiting for this to happen.

Nephrite caught the pillowcase and took it from Jed's hands.

Jadeite teleported away, but Nephrite teleported right after him.

"No!" cried Jed. "How did you know I would go to my dark space?!"

"Just a lucky guess," said Nephrite. "It was a hard choice, here or Queen Beryl's throne room."

"D'ah," said Jed. But because he was in his own house if you could call it that, he was able to grab his own pillowcase. He threw his alarm clock in it and went out swinging.

"Let's dance!" he yelled.

Nephrite danced, and better. Jed was no more.

Nephrite contemplated on putting the jump on Kunzite, but decided to end on a win this chapter.

FIN


	143. Grandpa and Chad

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Settle down," said Metalia.

"Okay," said Jadeite sitting in his seat at the meeting table.

"Now listen," said Metalia. "I've gathered you all here to announce some changes in staff."

"Here it comes!" said Jadeite. "Finally, my promotion!"

"Yeah right," scoffed Metalia.

"Oh boy!" said Nephrite. "My promotion!"

"In your dreams," scoffed Metalia.

"Oh boy," said Zoisite. "I'm taking Nephrite's job?"

"Everyone be quiet," said Metalia. "The new leader of the Negaverse is Grandpa."

"UWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!" cried everyone. "But why!?"

"You have a lot to learn," said Metalia.

Metalia walked away.

Grandpa and Chad strolled in. "Hello, friends!" said Grandpa.

Beryl hissed at him.

"Down girl, down!" said Grandpa. "That's no way to treat your boss! Now have no worries, guys. I'll be a great leader, and I'll lead you to that crystal in no time!"

"Why do I have my doubts?" asked Beryl.

"Can it boy," said Grandpa. "Do you want an eternal sleep?"

"Haha," laughed Jed.

Beryl gave him an eternal sleep.

Grandpa unthawed him with his supreme power.

"First order of business," said Grandpa. "This is my assistant, Chad. He will be supervising you closely and measuring your progress."

"SHYEAAAA YAAA!" agreed Chad.

"Any questions, I'll be in my throne," said Grandpa leaving.

"Wait!" said Beryl.

"Hmm?" said Pa.

"Nevermind," said Beryl.

Grandpa left.

"So what now?" asked Kunzite.

"Now, watch me cut this board in half!" said Chad.

Everyone fled.

Chad was enraged. He decided to take it out on the Shitennou.

* * *

The four were sitting in the Nega-cafeteria.

"What do you think about the new staff?" asked Nephrite.

"Hmm," said Jed. "I'm looking forward to a better future."

"I thought the Negaverse was goofy before!" said Zoisite. "Now we're just a straight up joke! This season needs real villains now, because we've just become the comedic relief!"

"D'ah," said Kunzite. "I never wanted to be comedic relief."

Suddenly Chad marched in. He sat down at their table.

They all watched him nervously.

Chad extended his hand and grabbed Kunzite's cheeseburger. He put it in his mouth and swallowed it whole.

Everyone looked at Kunzite.

Kunzite hesitated, but decided to go for it. "Hey!" said Kunzite.

"Hmm?" said Chad still chewing.

He reached over and grabbed Nephrite's soda and drank it all.

"I was drinking that," said Nephrite.

"Hmm?" said Chad.

Chad punched his chest. "Good meal."

He took Jadeite's tray and threw it in the trash.

"At least my meal's still intact!" said Zoisite.

Chad chopped his meal in half with his karate slice.

"NO!" said Zoisite. "You wanna go?!"

"Let it go," warned Kunzite. "He's our boss."

"But… but I!"

Chad laughed hardily.

"That's it!" said Jed. "I'm filing a complaint!"

"You'll have to file it on a staff abuse report and put it in the complaint box," Chad informed him.

"Fine, I will!" said Jadeite.

He picked up a form and filled it out. He stuck it in the box.

"Haha," said Jed. "Your days are numbered now."

Chad picked up the box. "Whelp, time to do my weekly complaint dump."

He gave the box to Grandpa who had just entered the café.

"Hey!" said Jed. "That was meant for Beryl!"

"Sorry," said Grandpa. "I'm Chad's manager, so all complaints on him go straight to me."

He took a once over Jadeite's report. He crumpled it up and ate it.

"Mmm, good report," he said. "But nothing that breaks the Negarules!"

"But it does!" insisted Kunzite, pulling out his Negarule book. "Read section 8, paragraph 2," he said turning to the page.

Grandpa took a once over and tore the page out. He crumpled it up and ate it.

"Mmm, good rule," he said. "But it doesn't exist anymore. Keep up the good work, Chad!"

Chad ate the rest of Kunzite's rulebook and went home.

* * *

"Oh Kunzite!" sobbed Zoisite. "I hate him so much!"

"Patience is the best option," said Kunzite.

"But Kunzite-sama! Chad will discipline us harshly!"

"Mmm," said Kunzite sadly. "There's nothing we can do at the moment. But I'll think of something!"

Chad warped in in front of them with a bag of popcorn.

"Is this Romeo and Juliet? If Juliet was a guy?"

Kunzite and Zoisite tried to flee but Chad appeared in front of them again.

"It's Romeo, not Homo-eo!"

"That doesn't even make sense!" cried Kunzite.

"10 minutes time out!" commanded Chad.

"NO!" cried Kunzite.

"You monster!" screamed Zoisite.

"That's it Zoisite," said Chad. "Drop and give me 40."

They were both disciplined harshly. After that, Kunzite and Zoisite both filled out staff abuse forms.

"Let's not put it in the box," said Kunzite. "We know where that ends up."

"Right," said Zoisite.

They were on their way to Metalia's lair, but at the door was Grandpa.

"Are those forms for me?"

"No," said Kunzite.

"Thanks," said Grandpa taking the forms. He skimmed them, and then put them in his mouth.

"Mmmm, tasty!"

"Drat!" said Kunzite. "But it's not over yet!"

* * *

Nephrite and Jadeite were hanging out in the Nega-computer lounge playing Club Parakeet.

"Aha!" said Jadeite. "One more level until I win the rare aquamarine Poofle!"

"Mmm," said Nephrite. "You can do it!"

Suddenly Chad walked in.

"Shyaaaa yaa braaah!" he said to them. He motioned for them to fork over the computers.

"What? No!" said Nephrite. "What reason do you have?! There are computers all around, you don't need these two!"

Chad unplugged the power source and all the computers turned off.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Jadeite. He charged Chad wildly, but Chad ducked under his swing and put him in an eternal sleep.

"That's it!" said Nephrite. "I'm going to file a staff abuse report!"

"Mmm, I'm sorry," said Chad. "Good luck on that report!"

"Smug bastard," said Nephrite under his breath. "I'm gonna get this report to Metalia if it's the last thing I do!"

Nephrite dragged Jadeite's frozen crystal to Metalia's room.

Grandpa was blocking the way still.

Nephrite tried to slide under his legs, but Grandpa closed them, splitting him in half. The light faded and Nephrite died.

"Just as I planned, haha!" said Neph.

He awoke in Metalia's room after she had to revive him.

"Listen Metalia!" exclaimed Nephrite. "I got myself killed on purpose so I would be respawned in your chambers by you and I could file this report!"

But where Metalia should have been resting, was Grandpa.

"I have the revive powers now," said Grandpa. "And also, I'll be taking that report."

He didn't even look at it before eating it.

"You didn't even look at it!" shouted Nephrite.

"My assistant Chad already told me about it. Chad, could you come in here?"

Chad walked in with little signs of remorse.

"Yaa braaaa I didn't mean it," said Chad.

"Do you hear that?" said Grandpa. "He didn't mean it! I'll trust you to act mature and move on."

"But I-" began Nephrite.

"Can do!" said Chad.

"Now out you go!" said Grandpa to Nephrite.

Nephrite sighed. "Let's go Jed."

He dragged Jed out.

* * *

"This was the final straw," said Kunzite after getting out of a 30 minute time out. "It's clear now that Grandpa is covering for his lil' lover boy."

"Gay people make me sick," said Zoisite.

"But-" began Nephrite.

"Can it," said Zoisite. "It's time we report the source – Grandpa."

"Let's tell Beryl!" they declared.

They all marched up to Beryl's throne room.

But sitting on her throne was none other than Grandpa, with Chad on his lap like a cat.

"Hello boys," he said.

"Where is Beryl?" they demanded.

"She's not here," said Grandpa. "Can I take a message?"

"No," they said.

"Then get lost," said Grandpa.

They fled to Beryl's private quarters.

"BERYL!" they called.

"Yes," said Beryl. "What did I say about coming in my house?"

They took their shoes off.

"Good," said Beryl. "Now what seems to be the prob, boys?"

"Grandpa is covering for Chad, who is bullying us!" explained Jadeite.

"He is abusing his staff abilities!" added Nephrite.

"Hmm," said Beryl. "Did you try filing a report with Grandpa?"

"Yes!" said Kunzite. "But Grandpa isn't even looking at them anymore!"

"Try filling out a report on Grandpa himself then," suggested Beryl.

"We did!" said Zoisite. "That's why we came to you!"

"Sorry boys," said Beryl sadly. "Grandpa is several ranks above me now. I suggest you fill out a staff abuse report and then elevate it to Metalia."

"Grrr," said Kunzite. "Grandpa's blocking the entrance. But we'll try our best!"

Queen Beryl gave them the secret password to Metalia's hidden report box.

They dropped the report in.

"Oh, no, it's jammed!" cried Jadeite.

"PUSH IT IN!" screamed Zoisite.

But before they could get it in, Grandpa walked in and grabbed the report.

He went to put it in his mouth.

"Wait!" they all cried. "That's not a report on Chad!"

"Oh," said Grandpa, removing it from his tongue. "Then who is it about? Is it about that pest Beryl? It's about time she retired."

"No," said Kunzite. "It's a report to Metalia. About YOUUUUUUUUU!"

"NO!" cried Grandpa. He ate the report. "I'm sorry boys, but all reports about Grandpa go to Grandpa!"

The Shitennou all looked at each other.

Kunzite ran up and tackled Grandpa.

Nephrite got him in a full Nelson, and Jed threw punches at his exposed gut.

"YOUCH!" he yelled. "CHAD, TAG IN!"

Chad ran in, but the Shitennou were ready.

"Don't worry!" said Chad. "I'll save you like you saved me many times!"

Zoisite him over the head with a vase, knocking him unconscious.

"Shit," said Grandpa. "Time to go lobster!"

He started to transform, but it took so long that they were able to make a report to Metalia.

"Hmm," said Metalia.

Grandpa came running in. "I can explain!"

"Grandpa, you're demoted," said Metalia.

"NO!" said Grandpa. "Who did you demote me below?!"

"Jadeite," said Metalia.

"YaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Jed.

* * *

Grandpa nervously headed for his car.

"Where do you think you're going, dweeb?" asked the Shitennou.

Grandpa made a dash, and leapt in his car through the window.

It was filled with snails. "NO!" he yelled but floored it anyway.

He started gliding down a nearby hill, when suddenly there was a huge wall spawned in his way.

He slammed on the breaks, but there were none. In their place was a spatula.

"NOOOOOOOO!"

Grandpa died that very moment.

Chad heard what happened, and after a month of mourning filed a staff report.

He put it in the box, and Beryl caught it in her mouth.

"Nice try McFly," she said, and ate the report.

FIN


	144. Return to Snail Con

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Jadeite, please explain your behavior regarding Tuxedo Mask," said Beryl angrily.

"Huh?" asked Jadeite. "I don't know what you mean!"

"In episode 13," continued Beryl. "You pushed him into the ocean. And you said, and I quote, 'I'll send you to Hell along with them!'"

"But my Queen," said Jadeite. "He's the enemy! And also, that was in the sub. I'm a dub man myself."

"That's no excuse," said Beryl. "Ready to face your fate?"

"No," said Jadeite. "I'm not mortally injured so I'll just teleport away now!"

Jadeite teleported away.

"Drat!" said Beryl. "I should have just killed him and not explained. Who else can I kill?" she thought.

"Zoisite, please report to my throne room," said Beryl on the loudspeaker.

Zoisite walked in.

Beryl took him out in cold blood.

"Easy does it," she thought. She got up and left.

* * *

"Oh boy!" thought Nephrite. "Zoisite's dead and Jadeite's out of the picture! Looks like this is gonna be a Nephrite chapter!"

As per law of the chapter, he headed over to Molly's house.

"Mollllayyyyyy!" he said happily.

"Hidy ho!" said Melvin answering the door.

"Drat!" said Nephrite. "If that's the case then I don't need to see Molly today. Looks like this is gonna be a Kunzite chapter after all!"

But luck would have it that that night at 2AM, Nephrite got a call on his landline.

"Molllayyyyyyyy!" he said happily.

"Hidy ho," said Melvin.

Nephrite hung up but Melvin called back.

"Who gave you my number?" demanded Nephrite.

"Zoisite," answered Melvin.

"He's gone too far this time!" shouted Nephrite. "What do you want?"

"It's an emergency!" insisted Melvin. "I just realized! I left my glasses at Snail Con!"

"Yeah right," said Nephrite. "Sounds like an excuse to hang out with me."

"No," said Melvin. "Molly's coming along, and she insisted I bring you. Personally I would rather bring you around the back of the gym and teach you a thing or too!"

"Oh, we can do that!" said Nephrite eagerly, taking out his ten foot sword.

"Actually on second thought," said Melvin when he heard metal clang against the receiver. "I think you should just come! We don't have anyone to drive us!"

"But I saw you wearing your glasses just this morning!"

"Amateur," scoffed Melvin. "Those are my distance glasses. You can tell because they're only three feet thick. The ones at Snail Con were my reading glasses! A good 14 feet thick!"

Nephrite sighed. He didn't want to drive Melvin to Snail Con at 2AM again, but he also didn't want the poor kid to not be able to read.

"Alright, I'm coming over, but make sure to gather the crew," said Nephrite.

It was 3AM by the time Nephrite teleported his car over there. He beeped his horn, and out came Kenji.

"Hey," said Nephrite. "Aren't you Sailor Moon's father?"

"Ho ho ho," said Kenji. He hopped in.

Melvin pranced out next with a bag three times his size.

"He's a strong boy," thought Nephrite.

Then he realized something. "Hey, I thought we're just going to retrieve your glasses!"

"Yes," said Melvin. "This is all my asthma medication, along with my inhaler!"

"Loser," said Nephrite.

Melvin gasped. "It's behavior like that that caused Molly to sleep in tonight!"

"WHAT?!" yelled Nephrite. "That's the whole reason I came!"

"Tsk tsk," said Kenji. "She's way too young for you! You should go out with that Zoisite guy! He's a handsome young lad."

"SHUT UP!" shouted Nephrite, overly angrily. "How do you know about any of this?! Why are you here?!"

'Ho ho ho," said Kenji.

Nephrite groaned. "I really hope this guy isn't going to be a recurring character. He's so irrelevant and has little personality! I guess the same goes for Motoki though…"

"Heya!" said Motoki. "Are we ready to go?"

"Ah no," said Nephrite. "Alright, how many more of you are there?"

"You said to gather the crew!" reminded Melvin.

"I meant just Molly and Grandpa!" sighed Nephrite. "Not all these randoms!"

Shingo hopped in. "Who you calling random, buttmunch?"

Nephrite had no reason not to kill Shingo, so he did.

Crane Machine hopped on his corpse.

"Who are you, and why are you here?" asked Nephrite.

"Yo," said Crane Machine Joe. "You and I have the same enemies. Plus I have loads of personality to offer!"

Last to show up was none other than Grandpa. "A party's not a party without G-Pa_245."

"Sorry," said Nephrite. "All the seats are filled. I'm not sure why these goons are coming; I thought we were just picking up some glasses from the building where Snail Con was held since it's certainly over by now!"

"I can squeeze in," promised Grandpa, trying to hop on Motoki's lap.

Nephrite threw him out of the car. "I'll have none of that in my Ferrari!"

"Drat," said Grandpa. "Spoiled again. Where can I sit if you won't let me sit on Motoki?"

Nephrite strapped Grandpa to the roof the car.

"Perfect," said Grandpa giving a thumb's up.

"That SHOULD be everyone," said Nephrite exhausted. "The only person that could fit in would be a kitten, a baby one at that, so I think I'm safe from any more stragglers…"

Baby Cat Diana leapt into the vehicle. Nephrite went to grab her and throw her away but he couldn't find her under all Melvin's bags.

"D'ah, that little rat! I'll get her next time!"

Nephrite drove off.

* * *

Two blocks down the street, a hitch-hiker jumped in front of their car.

Nephrite didn't stop, but when the car collided with the hiker, the car stopped in its tracks.

"What gives?!" demanded Nephrite. "You should be dead, fool!"

"That's where you're wrong," said base-form Taiki. "For even in my human form I can stop an oncoming car!"

"I'll need to fact-check that one," said Melvin, trying to find his Macbook Pro.

"What do you want?" groaned Nephrite.

"Let me hitch a ride, bigboy," said Taik.

"Sorry," said Nephrite. "There's no way that forehead is fitting in this car. Even if it was empty."

"Harsh words," said Taiki. "Looks like I'll have to chop it off and wait for it to regrow in a couple days."

Taiki chopped off his forehead and leapt in.

"It's getting a little crowded in here!" laughed Motoki.

Then he got elbowed in the face by Crane Machine Joe. "Sorry man," said Crane Machine. "I have spasms sometimes these days."

"Hey we all do," chuckled Kenji, who was sitting in the passenger seat. "Too bad my son died. Oh well you win some you lose some. Ho ho ho."

Nephrite considered putting a brick on the gas pedal and leaping out, but he just waxed his car.

"That was an expensive $20 wax," he thought. "I can't let it go to waste."

Finally they reached Snail Con.

"That was an excruciating car ride," he stated.

He leapt out, but the back doors didn't open.

"What's the hold up?" demanded Nephrite.

"We can't open the door!" they yelled. "We're too squished back here!"

"Shame," said Nephrite. "I'll just go grab the glasses."

But Kenji was defiant and opened the door.

"Grrr," said Nephrite.

Everyone piled out like sand.

Diana was crushed in the ruckus.

"Oh no!" cried Melvin. "We'll have to hold a funeral!"

"We didn't even hold one for Shingo!" protested Kenji.

"It's always about Shingo!" shouted Crane Machine Joe.

"He was my son," said Kenji sadly.

"It's okay," said Taiki. "I once lost something dear to me too, and I'm not talking about my planet or my race! I once had to cut off my forehead to fit in a car!"

"We should all treat Taiki better," thought Grandpa. "He goes through a lot."

Nephrite was already inside. The rest had to scramble to catch up.

"Hello," said Nephrite to the janitor opening shop for the morning (It was now about 5AM.)

"Heyo," said the janitor. "The center's staff doesn't get here until 8, you'll have to wait till then."

"No," said Nephrite. "Tell me where lost-and-found is."

"I'm sorry sir, you'll have to wait until staff gets here!"

Nephrite picked up the janitor by his throat.

"Tell me where the lost-and-found is," he repeated.

"You'll… have to wait… till staff gets here," said the janitor with his dying breath.

Nephrite threw him into a tree.

"Well guys, looks like we have to find it on our own."

After wandering aimlessly through the huge complex as one main group, they decided to split up.

"Alright," said Nephrite. "Here are the groups: Motoki and Kenji, Melvin and Crane Machine Joe, Grandpa and Taiki, and I'm a lone ranger."

"Aww," said Grandpa. "Do I have to be with this queerboy? Can I be with Chad instead?"

"Chad's not here," said Nephrite.

Grandpa reached in his luggage and pulled a Chad out of his suitcase. "That's where you're wrong."

"This isn't good," thought Nephrite. "Now we have an even number!"

"Whelp, I guess there will be a group of three!" said Nephrite.

"I'm sorry," said Motoki. "But I can't allow that!"

"Oh I know," said Melvin. "Chad can be in Shingo's group!"

"Shingo is dead!" cried Kenji.

"Haha," said Melvin. "Oh, Nephrite, you're alone! You can go with Chad!"

"No!" said Nephrite. "Why do you care if there's a group of three?!"

"I can't in all good conscious allow there to be more than two people in a group," stated Motoki. "I would never be able to live with myself."

"Hey I know what we can do!" said Nephrite. "Kill Motoki, so Chad could go with his partner!"

Motoki nodded. "That sounds like the most logical… hey wait a minute!"

But Nephrite didn't wait a minute. Motoki tried to run, but Nephrite disposed of him.

"Alright," said Nephrite. "Here are the new teams: Melvin and Kenji, Grandpa and Joe, Chad and Taiki, and once again, me alone."

"Hey!" said Melvin. "Why'd you switch em' up?! I liked my old partner!"

"Don't worry, my boy," said Kenji, patting Melvin on the head. "You'll come to like me too. Ho ho! Now do you know my daughter Usagi? You'd be perfect for her!"

Melvin turned into a puddle and fainted with joy.

Nephrite headed off on his own.

"Alright Melvin, let's go," said Kenji dragging him along.

The other groups went their separate ways.

"Oh look," said Nephrite. "There was a sign on this door right here, we must have missed it when we walked by!"

He broke into the lost-and-found and pocketed Melvin's spectacles. He found an iPod Touch and took it too.

"Darn, now I'll have to go find all the others."

"HEY GUYS!" Nephrite shouted. "I FOUND THE GLASSES! LET'S GO!"

No one answered his call.

"Wait a minute," said Nephrite. "Goodbye!"

He teleported home.

Nephrite put the glasses on his counter to return to Melvin later.

He sat on his best chair and contemplated why he put up with any of that.

* * *

"I think we're headed in the right direction!" said Kenji encouragingly.

"I have a bad feeling," said Melvin. "Like we're suddenly in immense danger!"

"Ho ho ho, my boy," said Kenji. "You have no need to worry, I will defend you from any dangers!"

Suddenly they heard the door fly open, and a pack of wild dogs snuck in since they left the door unlocked.

Kenji picked up a broom. "Alright, make my day, bigboys!" he shouted.

Kenji was eaten alive.

"AHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Melvin. His knee rattling attracted the pups and he was consumed as well.

The woofers followed the scent of Taiki's recently trimmed forehead and ate him as well, making quick work of Chad on the way out.

"I sense a dark presence," thought Grandpa. "Joe, be on guard!"

But he turned around and Joe was no more.

The dogs however were full and also in need of cuddles.

They laid on the floor and let Grandpa scratch their tummies.

"Good boys," said Grandpa. "Very good boys."

They decided to let Grandpa live.

* * *

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Kunzite. "I heard the words 'Kunzite chapter' mentioned somewhere! Is it true? I've waited too long for this!"

But Beryl wasn't there as she would have been if it was his chapter.

"NO!" said Kunzite.

FIN


	145. Kenji Joins the Shitennou

"Queen Beryl!" began Jadeite. But then he paused.

There was someone already talking to Beryl, and it wasn't one of the Shitennou or Beryl's Youma crew.

"Who… who are you?" asked Jadeite.

"Jadeite!" shouted Beryl. "That's no way to address the new recruit!"

"New recruit?" repeated Jadeite.

"Ho ho ho, you must be Jadeite," said Kenji, Usagi's dad.

"NO!" cried Jadeite. "What the hell is this?!"

All the other Shitennou stormed in in a huff.

"Usagi's dad?! Are you serious?!" demanded Nephrite.

Kunzite was the most mad. "Are we just letting anyone in here now?! We are the Shitennou, the elite four! The four heavenly kings!"

"I wouldn't go that far," said Beryl.

"We can't even call ourselves Shitennou anymore!" shouted Kunzite. "It has four in it, there can't be five!"

"What do you think this is, a Japanese word or something?" scoffed Beryl.

"Well actually," began Nephrite.

"I don't want to hear it," said Beryl. "You'll treat the new Shitennou with respect."

"No!" cried Nephrite. "We don't even treat each other with respect!"

"Come on!" cried Zoisite. "First Melvin, then Crane Machine Joe, and now Kenji?! We're getting new members with less and less personality each time! Next you're gonna put in someone like Motoki or Motoki's sister!"

Queen Beryl gasped. "How dare you even compare Kenji to someone like that?! I have known Kenji my whole life! He was like a father to me."

"Lies!" cried Kunzite. "I remember the Moon Kingdom days! He was nowhere to be seen!"

"Ho ho ho," said Kenji. "That's just what I wanted you to think!"

"Queen Beryl!" exclaimed Zoisite. "I won't stand for this. What some of us lacked in skill we made up for in personality! But this guy has neither!"

"You have a lot to learn, Zoisite," said Kenji.

"Beeeerrrryyyyylllll! Don't let him talk to me like that!" cried Zoisite.

"Don't talk to Kenji like that!" shouted Beryl.

Zoisite started to cry.

"Cry all you want!" barked Beryl. "All of you can go sleep eternally right now if you can't get along with Kenji!"

Everyone looked at Kenji, who shrugged.

Nephrite had started to calm down unlike the others. "Why did you join the Shitennou?" he wanted to know.

"Well," began Kenji.

They all waited for his reason, but he never gave one.

Then suddenly Jadeite realized something. "Wait a minute, there's someone lower rank than-"

"Kenji," said Beryl. "I'm promoting you to…"

She looked at the crew. "Hmm, I guess your power is probably somewhere in between Nephrite and Kunzite. As such you will be one rank lower than Kunzite. But you'll be pretty close to Kunzite. Within passing range."

"He has no strength!" shouted Kunzite.

"Neither does Zoisite," said Beryl. "But he's higher ranking than Jed."

Jadeite punched the floor in anger. "Why is it always me?"

"Yeah," continued Kunzite. "But Zoisite has mental strength! This doofus couldn't tell a triangle from a square!"

"That's not true," said Kenji. "I can tell a triangle from your mom!"

"OHOHOHOHOHOHO!" laughed Beryl. "This guy's a wisecracker!"

"This is ridiculous," said Kunzite storming off. "I'm looking for employment elsewhere."

"Yeah cya boys," said Zoisite leaving with him.

"Well well well," said Beryl. "Look what we have here. Since Kunzite has forfeited his position, Kenji has just been promoted to leader of the Shitennou!"

"NOOOOOOO!" cried Neph and Jed. "What kind of life is this!?"

* * *

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Kenji. "I found a new source of energy!"

Kenji had a piece of toast in his mouth and was wearing his generic Japanese guy clothes.

"Kenji, what's with the toast?" asked Beryl.

"Heh heh," chuckled Kenji. "I got up late and I had to rush out. You have a lot to learn."

"Fair enough," said Beryl. "So what's this new source?"

"Well," began Kenji. "I think we should go around murdering everyone. Then, we'll take their energy off their cold dead corpses!"

"Wow," said Beryl, speechless. "See, this is why I chose you. You think outside the box. If we get them right away, they probably will still have some energy left!"

"Thanks," said Kenji. "It's what I do."

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Ok," said Beryl. "Explain it to me and Kenji."

"Umm… does he have to be around?" asked Jadeite.

"Yes," said Beryl. "Now go on."

Jadeite took a deep breath. "Well okay! So the humans have this thing called love…"

"Hmm," said Beryl. "I think I've heard of it."

"Oh ho ho, I as well," echoed Kenji.

Jadeite paused and glared at him. "Anyway, we can use this powerful energy to unleash the Negapower!"

"Ho ho ho," said Kenji. "I like the way you think!"

Jadeite glared at him again. "I can wait," said Jadeite.

Kenji's facial expression didn't falter at all.

Jadeite was lost in a battle of wills, and eventually went home halfway through his speech.

"Queen Beryl," said Kenji once he left. "Why do you put up with that guy?"

"You have a lot to learn, Kenji," said Beryl.

"I disagree," said Kenji. "I'm very in the knowhow."

"Okay," said Beryl. "I'll take your word for it. Now run along and start with that scheme! I expect great things from you!"

* * *

"Hey, umm…. Queen Beryl," said Kunzite.

"Well well well," said Queen Beryl. "Look who came crawling back. I'm ashamed of you, Kunzite."

"I understand," said Kunzite. "Getting work in the human world wasn't as easy as we expected it'd be."

"I hope you're ready to accept the consequences of your actions," said Beryl.

Kunzite shrugged.

Queen Beryl killed Zoisite.

"NO!" cried Kunzite. "QUEEN BERYL!"

"You asked for it, wiseguy," said Beryl.

"QUEEN BERYL!" repeated Kunzite. "Could you please revive him?"

"I'm sorry," said Beryl. "But that's Kenji's decision to make. Zoisite was a Shitennou and Kenji is in charge of the Shitennou thanks to you."

"Shit," said Kunzite.

He called up Kenji.

"Ho ho ho, I can't pick up the phone now. Please leave a message, unless you're Usagi or Shingo! If so, then buzz off!"

"Hey… uh, Kenji is it? This is Kunzite, the former leader of the Shitennou. Beryl had a little accident, and I need you to come approve something. Call me back ASAP!"

Suddenly he heard giggling on the other line.

"Hey, this isn't voicemail!" he shouted.

"LOL!" said Kenji and he hung up.

"Yeah," said Kunzite. "He said he approves."

"You had it on speaker," replied Beryl.

"Shit!" said Kunzite. "I never could work these things!"

"Zoisite stays dead," said Beryl.

"Then I quit!" shouted Kunzite. He stormed off again.

"Hmph," said Beryl. "I'll have to get Kenji to deal with that guy."

Beryl called in two cleaning Youmas and they rolled Zoisite up in the rug and took him to the inferno.

Kunzite was livid when he heard the news.

"Kenji will pay dearly for this!" he shouted.

* * *

"Hmm, I hope this wasn't Usagi's middle school," said Kenji as he zapped energy from Juuban Junior High School students.

Suddenly Sailor Moon appeared.

"What gives?" demanded Kenji.

"Papa?!" cried Sailor Moon.

"Ho ho ho," said Kenji. "You gave away your identity!"

"Why are you doing this?!" demanded Sailor Moon.

Kenji sneered. "You have a lot to learn. You're no match for the Negapower!"

He charged up Kunzite's twin boomerangs of death.

That's when Kunzite appeared. He gasped.

"Hello," said Kenji.

"What are you doing?!" demanded Kunzite. "Why do you have my weapons?"

"I was going to use Zoisite petals," said Kenji. "But they're kind of gay. Also he's dead ho ho! They rolled him up in a mat!"

Kunzite charged with all he had.

Kenji stood there unfaltering.

"Huh," said Sailor Moon when she saw her two enemies fighting. "Whose side should I be on?"

Kunzite was getting angrier now. "You're no match for-"

"I already said that line, ho ho!" taunted Kenji.

Kunzite threw a wild punch, but Kenji sidestepped.

"Tsk tsk," said Kenji. "You should know when you're outmatched!"

"How is he so strong!?" demanded Kunzite. "He's just a regular human!"

"Beats me," said Sailor Moon.

Kunzite killed Sailor Moon. "Easy does it," he said.

Kenji was furious. "That was my daughter!"

"Huh?" said Kunzite. He tried to do the calculations, but Kenji cut him off with a quick chop.

Kunzite doubled over in pain.

"It's time to go," said Kenji. He let himself get sucked into a portal and fled.

"KENJIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" yelled Kunzite.

* * *

"Yeah," continued Kunzite in the Negacafe. "And then he stole your teleport, Jadeite!"

Jadeite gasped. "I will not stand for this!"

"If only Zoisite was here," said Nephrite taking a bite out of his cheeseburger.

Kunzite contemplated killing Nephrite, but knew he needed all the brawn he could get.

"So what's the plan to take this goon out?" asked Jadeite. "Or at least get him demoted below me!"

"That will never happen," said Nephrite.

Jadeite sighed. "I know, I know. Oooh, I got it! Let's use a piece of shrimp on a fishing rod and lure him into the abyss! It always works in times like this!"

"Hmm, you might be onto something," considered Kunzite. "But instead of shrimp, what if we use toast?"

Nephrite and Jadeite stood up and clapped. "Now we've got ourselves a plan!"

* * *

Kenji walked down the hall, spinning the Negakeys on his finger and whistling. "Another great day of being Kenji," he said.

Suddenly a wild piece of toast flew in front of his vision.

His instincts took over, and he lunged at it.

But the toast flew ahead of his lunge.

Kenji got on all fours and chased after it like a wild mutt.

The toast stopped moving, and he made one final lunge for it. That's when the ground dropped out and he fell into the abyss!

"Easy does it!" said Jadeite lowering his fishing rod.

"It's not over yet," said Kunzite. "He might escape."

They waited three days and he didn't escape.

"Well I guess we got him," said Kunzite.

They left.

Two minutes later Kenji climbed out of the abyss. "That was a close one."

* * *

"Now to try and talk to Queen Beryl about reviving Zoisite," said Kunzite.

"I don't about that," said Nephrite. "That Beryl's a stubborn one, and I'm not too fond of him anyway!"

Kunzite decided one more outburst and Nephrite was no more.

"Queen Beryl!" began Kunzite when they entered her throne room.

"And then I said," continued Kenji. "Ho ho ho, all in a day's work! And that's how I got my high school job as a fisherman!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed the three Shitennou.

"Oh hey guys," said Kenji turning around. "I was just telling my good pal Beryl here-"

"I thought we killed you!" cried Jadeite.

"Oh, that reminds me," said Kenji. "Could you please kill Jadeite?"

"Already done," said Beryl.

Jadeite was no more.

"Nooooo!" said Nephrite unenthusiastically.

"Good fight," said Kunzite.

"Better luck next time," said Kenji. He went home.

That's when Kunzite decided they had to take drastic measures.

"Alright Nephrite, it's just you and me," he said.

"Good thing we don't have Zoisite to weigh us down!" remarked Nephrite.

Kunzite really didn't want to take out Nephrite, because he could have been of assistance, but he was a man of his word. He killed Nephrite.

"Whelp Kunzite, it's all you now," he said out loud.

"Haha," said Prince Endymion emerging from the shadows. "By the way, did you know Kenji promoted me to being your boss?"

Kunzite thought fast and took down Prince Endymion and hog-tied him.

"Hahaha," said Kunzite. "I have the perfect plan."

* * *

Queen Beryl entered her throne room. But sitting in her throne was a bomb.

Tied to one side of the bomb was Kenji, and to the other was Prince Endymion.

"HEEEEELP!" they both cried.

"Who could have done this!?" thought Beryl. "Well let's see… who's still alive?"

"Alright you got me," said Kunzite stepping forward. "But that bomb will go off in 30 seconds. They are tied with magical rope, so you only have time to save one! Looks like you'll have to put down ol' Kenji, huh?"

Queen Beryl started to sweat. She looked at Endymion, then Kenji, then Endymion again.

"Who should I pick!?" she cried. "I have loved Endymion my whole life, but Kenji just has too much personality!"

The clock ticked down to three more seconds.

She probably could have untied both if she hadn't spent so much time thinking.

"Fine!" she shouted.

She grabbed someone and teleported, and the bomb exploded.

"Heh heh heh," laughed Kunzite, expecting to pick Kenji's glasses out of the rubble.

But instead, a rose floated to the surface of the rubble.

"NO!" cried Kunzite.

Beryl reappeared with Kenji.

"Ho ho ho," said Kenji.

"Kunzite!" shouted Beryl. "How could you?!"

"Hey!" said Kunzite. "You killed Zoisite! And made me kill Nephrite."

"I didn't make you kill Nephrite!" yelled Beryl.

"Huh, I guess you're right," said Kunzite. "But that first thing!"

Beryl decided to put Kunzite in an eternal sleep.

Kenji drew a smiley face on his crystal.

"Good thinking," said Beryl. "Now, let's me and you take over the universe together!"

"Oooohhh," said Kenji. "This is awkward. You see, yesterday I was actually offered my old job at the rice farms. I was going to tell you, but I hadn't gotten around to it. Goodbye."

Kenji went home.

"WHAT?!" screamed Beryl. She stormed down to Metalia and sighed. "You know the deal," groaned Beryl.

"I'M ALIVE!" cried Jed.

FIN


	146. Jed Double Dips

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

Beryl pulled out a pistol and shot herself.

"Alrighty," said Jed. "I'll just go get ice cream with my good pals Nephrite and Zoisite. And Kunzite if he wants to come."

* * *

Kunzite didn't want to come.

Nephrite, Zoisite, and Jed headed down to the local Dairy Queen.

"What are you gonna order?" Jadeite asked them.

"I don't know yet," said Nephrite. "But I will come up with something."

"I'll get my traditional vanilla cone with nothing on it," said Zoisite.

"Ah, interesting choices," said Jadeite. "You know what I'm going to get? Chocolate dip, and then cherry dip on top of the chocolate dip! I call it the Double Dip!"

Zoisite and Nephrite stopped in their tracks.

"No Jadeite, you can't."

"Why not?" asked Jed.

"This is a double dip free Dairy Queen. It's strictly prohibited."

"Nonsense!" scoffed Jed. "What's the worst that could happen? If they say no, we'll just go somewhere else."

"Jadeite, you don't realize the consequence of your actions!" shouted Nephrite.

"You have a lot to learn, Jadeite!" yelled Zoisite.

They had now reached the line. When they got to the front, they placed their orders.

"I'll get a chocolate cone with chocolate sprinkles," ordered Nephrite.

"K," said the worker.

"I'll get a vanilla cone with nothing on it," said Zoisite.

"K," said the worker.

"As for me," began Jadeite. "I'll take a vanilla cone, double dipped."

The worker's face turned pale. "What… what did you say?!" he asked.

"I'll take chocolate and cherry dipped," explained Jadeite.

"Ah, I see," said the worker. "One moment please."

He took off in a mad sprint.

"That was odd," thought Jadeite. "Maybe one of their machines is down."

The worker ran to the back of the store and punched open a glass case with his bare hand.

"Ouch!" he cried. He was severely wounded, but he still slammed down on the button.

Moments later, a black car pulled up, and two men in black suits leapt out and threw a sack over Jed's head.

They then proceeded to knock him to the floor and beat him down as Zoisite and Nephrite ate their ice cream and watched.

They made no efforts to help him.

After he got a sufficient beatdown, the men in black hauled him into the car and drove away.

"Wow," said Nephrite.

"Riperoo," said Zoisite.

* * *

Two days later, Jadeite came to.

He was in an empty room with nothing but a table and a single lightbulb on the ceiling that was occasionally flickering.

"What's going on?!" he thought.

An interrogator stepped forward and slammed his hand on the table.

"You have a lot of nerve!" he shouted in Jed's ear. "Do you think this is all some kind of joke?!" he howled.

"I… I just wanted some ice cream!" cried Jed.

"That's what they all say. We don't have that kind of filth in this town."

"You don't understand!" exclaimed Jadeite. "I just wanted them to dip it in the chocolate, let it dry, and then dip it in the cherry! Easy does it!"

The interrogator backhanded him and started to sputter. "Easy does it?! EASY DOES IT?!"

Jadeite was confused and afraid.

"You make me sick!" shouted the guy. "If this interrogation wasn't being watched through that camera, you'd be getting choked to death by my bare hands!"

"But why?!" demanded Jadeite.

He received another backhand.

"I ask the questions here! Why did you ask for a Double Dip?!"

"I don't know!" cried Jed. "It just sounded cool and I wanted to try it!"

"You wanted to try it," the guy stated, shaking his head. He looked at the camera. "Hey guys, he just wanted to try it!"

"Exactly," said Jadeite.

He punched Jadeite in the face.

Two cops dashed in and hauled the interrogator out as he tried to lunge across the table to grab Jadeite.

Four minutes later, a new guy came in.

"Phew," said Jadeite. "Please tell me you're the good cop."

"No," said the guy. "That last one was the good cop."

Jadeite knew he was finished.

* * *

A week later, Jadeite was driven out into the desert, beaten again, and left in the sand.

He teleported back to the Negaverse.

"Queen Beryl!" he cried. "Oh right she killed herself. I guess Metalia didn't get around to respawning her yet."

He headed to the Nega Café.

"Guys, you'll never believe what just happened!"

"You're alive?!" asked Nephrite.

"You lucky son of a gun," said Kunzite.

"How'd you know about that?" Jed asked him.

"How could I not know?" exclaimed Kunzite. "It's on the news. On every station, actually!"

Jadeite looked over at the café TV.

The headline read, "Local Man Double Dips!" and it showed footage of him getting hauled in by the men in black as Nephrite and Zoisite watched.

"That reminds me," said Jadeite. "Why didn't you help me?!"

"There's nothing we could have done!" said Nephrite.

"But look on the bright side," said Zoisite. "At least you're famous now! There's a line of action figures being sold of you. There's even one of me and Nephrite, the accomplices and apathetic bystanders!"

"Wowee," said Jed. "But I can't let it end like this. I still haven't tasted a double dip!"

"You're a madman!" cried Kunzite. "You'll never get away with it! How about I turn you in myself, right now?"

"No way!" said Jed. He left.

"That poor boy," said Zoisite. "He's like a candle flickering in the wind."

"I admire his bravery," stated Nephrite. "Something you'd never understand, Zoisite."

"Hey!" said Zoisite. "Bravery is one thing, but only a complete idiot would try to double dip twice!"

* * *

Jadeite returned to the same Dairy Queen.

The crowd all watched in awe, and everyone in line stepped aside as he approached the counter.

The staff eyed the emergency button.

"Hello," said Jadeite. "There's no need to worry. I just want a chocolate dip cone."

Everyone let out a sigh of relief.

They handed Jadeite his cone and he went on his way.

"Hey!" cried a child. "Can I have your autograph on my Double Dip Jed action figure?"

"Sure, Shingo!" said Jadeite. He signed the figure, "Jadeite, the man who double dipped."

"I'll cherish this forever!" sobbed Shingo.

Jadeite teleported all the way across the world to an American branch of Dairy Queen.

"I'm sure the news hasn't even reached here," he considered.

He stepped up to the worker.

"Hi, would you dip this cone in cherry dip please? I'll pay you any amount of money."

"Umm, but sir!" said the worker. "That cone is already dipped in chocolate!"

"Yes," said Jadeite. "I want you to double dip it for me please."

"I see," said the worker.

He dashed towards the button, and Jed tried to stop him.

He pressed the button anyway.

Jadeite took to the streets running. The world held its breath as a car pulled up and two men in black jumped out.

"No!" shouted Jadeite. He was prepared this time, and threw his ice cream wildly, blinding one of them.

But the other one got him in a full nelson. Once the one with the ice cream in his face recovered, he threw punches at Jadeite's exposed torso until he was unconscious.

They hauled him off, and everyone was able to go back to living their lives.

* * *

Jadeite awoke in the desert again. "Whelp, looks like third time will have to be the charm!"

He teleported to a local grocery store. He purchased a box of vanilla ice cream, some ice cream cones, cherry dip, and chocolate dip.

He returned to the Negaverse.

He ran into his room and made sure the door was triple chain-locked.

"Now, let's get down to business."

He prepared the dips, and then dipped his cone in chocolate.

Once it dried, he lowered it towards the cherry dip.

"Almost there….!"

His door was busted down, and twelve men in black dashed inside.

Jed tried one last effort to put it in the cherry dip, but a man lunged on top of the table and took the blow, dying.

"Poor Timmy!" cried one of the men in black. "He sacrificed his life for our mission! His death won't be in vain!"

Jed went for the cherry dip that was on the floor now. "Why can't I do this in my own home?!"

But they tackled him to the floor and beat him unconscious.

They hauled him all the way out of the Negaverse.

On the way out they passed Nephrite and Zoisite at the soda machine.

"That poor guy," said Nephrite.

"Riperoo," said Zoisite.

FIN


	147. The Greatest Plot Twist Yet

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Jadeite," said Beryl. "Where have you been for the past two years? You just stopped reporting to me! The first year I thought you'd come back any day, and the second year I called you every single day to get you back, but no one answered. What happened?!"

"Aww I'm sorry," said Jed. "Some things came up."

Beryl waited for an explanation but there was none.

"So anyway, the humans have this emotion called love, and-"

"Jadeite don't just act like nothing happened!" shouted Beryl.

"Look Queen, what do you want me to say?" asked Jadeite finally. "I couldn't tell you what happened, even if I wanted to. Can't you just let bygones be bygones?"

"Do you want an eternal sleep?" asked Beryl.

"It's good to be back," said Jadeite.

Suddenly Kenji ran in. "Queen Beryl!"

"Not now Kenji," said Beryl.

Nephrite and Zoisite came running seconds later. "Hey, stop him!" they yelled. "This is our slot to come in!"

"Ho ho ho," said Kenji. He teleported away for the rest of the chapter.

"Now that we have encountered Kenji things will never be the same" explained Beryl.

Nephrite and Zoisite were mad but they didn't know how to express this anger.

"Anyway boys," began Beryl "I have another date to attend to so I'll trust Kunzite to hold the fort while I am gone."

"Um, about that." said Zoisite

"Yes. I know as well as you that Kunzite is gone and there is no bringing him back."

"No not about that," explained Zoisite "You've been going on dates with that guy you met on the internet for two weeks now and we still haven't met him."

"Yea! How do we know you're not just going to the frozen yogurt shop and eating ice cream and you've just been lying to sound cool!" asked Nephrite.

"Wait, Beryl is e-dating someone?" asked Jadeite

"Yes, Jadeite. You haven't heard because you have been MIA for two years. Also Kunzite died."

"Drat."

"Why would I take him to show you? Just like men don't like girls with kids I'm sure they don't like girls with stupid goofballs!"

"Hey!" howled Jadeite. "I am no goofball!"

"Yes you are" said Nephrite

"Do you want a piece of me?" asked Jed

"Yes put em up"

"Let's double team em, aye Zoisite?"

"My pleasure!"

Beryl used this opportunity while they were distracted to make her escape.

Two seconds later they realized Beryl was gone.

"Where'd Beryl go?" they wondered.

They decided that it was time they trailed Beryl and saw who this guy really is.

Halfway down the hall they encountered Motoki at the soda machine.

"Heya!" hollered Motoki.

"Shhh you'll blow our cover!" barked Nephrite.

"Oh boy!" howled Motoki. "What goofy antics are you youngsters up to this time?"

"We're older than you," explained Zoisite.

"Hey! Age is just a number! So why are YOU FOLLOWING BERYL" he screamed at the top of his lungs.

Beryl turned around and they all hid behind the soda machine.

"STOOOOOP" barked Nephrite.

"Haha ok friends!"

They decided they had enough of this goober and killed Motoki and took his pringles.

* * *

After Beryl arrived in the human world they followed her up to grandpa's temple

"HAHA!" called Nephrite "I knew it was Grandpa!"

They followed her up the steps and saw Beryl hug someone.

Jadeite gasped when he saw that the person she was e-dating was not Grandpa, but was in fact Artemis the cat.

"BERYL" howled shittenou

"NO!" howled Beryl.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Artemis.

Once the Shitennou recovered from the initial shock, they charged Artemis.

Beryl stepped in the way and put her arms out.

The Shitennou slid to a halt, except for Jadeite who had reached terminal velocity.

He was unable to stop and was obliterated by Beryl.

The other two caught their breath.

"Queen Beryl!" exclaimed Nephrite. "You're dating a cat!"

Beryl sighed. "Looks like it's time to talk about the elephant in the room."

"Say, cat," said Zoisite. "What do you see in Beryl anyway?"

"Well," said Artemis. "She reminds me of my previous owner, Minako!"

"Previous owner?" asked Jadeite.

"Yes," said Artemis. "Her boyfriend Yaten moved in, and he was allergic to cats. I said it was either me or him, and here I am."

"What a shame," said Jed.

"Haha," said Zoisite. "Beryl's dating a cat!"

"E-dating," corrected Beryl angrily.

Zoisite remembered something an old friend once said. "Looks like the kittens are out without their mittens," he stated.

Artemis, from force of habit, shrieked, "AHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Zoisite was startled and realized the only thing left was to attack.

"Jadeite, tag in!" he said when his blasts weren't working.

Jadeite came back to life and leapt at Artemis and tried to stomp him like a bug.

But Artemis was too nimble. He slipped between Jed's legs and Jed face-planted.

Artemis hopped on his back and ended his tale abruptly.

"Why did you say that?" asked Nephrite.

"It was what my old boyfriend Kunzite said. Only in the dub though. I'm sure he said something cooler in the sub. I don't know how, but I felt he would have wanted me to say it."

"Break it up you guys," said Beryl finally, five minutes after the scuffle. "I love Artemis. And if you can't accept us, then you can sleep eternally."

The Shitennou thought about it. They took out pillows and blankets and laid on the floor.

"Wake me up never," explained Zoisite.

"Stop that!" yelled Beryl. "I was able to accept when you started dating that guy who died, so you should accept my love for a cat. A human girl and a male cat is far less creepy than two guys."

"Yeah that will make me want to support you," barked Zoisite.

Beryl killed Zoisite.

"Alright can you stop killing us?" asked Nephrite. "You're putting Metalia into overdrive. She still hasn't come close to starting to revive Kunzite!"

Zoisite and Jed were brought back to life.

Nephrite was rejuvenated.

"I'm sorry," said Jadeite. "But I won't be able to accept you e-dating a cat."

"Very well then," said Beryl. "Then I guess… I'll have to marry Artemis."

"WHAT?!" said Artemis in a raspy voice. "AHHHH, LUNA!"

Luna appeared. "Artemis my dear, what's going on?"

She had brought Diana as well.

"I hate to tell you this," said Artemis. "But I am leaving you for a real woman."

Baby cat Diana was mad. She nipped Artemis on the leg.

Artemis backhanded her away with his paw.

Luna leapt on top of Artemis, but Beryl impaled her with a crystal.

"Animal cruelty is wrong," she said.

"Hey!" shouted Grandpa coming outside with a broom. "What's all the hubbub in my front yard?"

He spotted Luna and Diana's corpses.

"Uh oh," said Grandpa. "Bad break-up, huh friend?"

Artemis nodded sadly.

"Congrats on the beautiful new girlfriend," said Grandpa kissing Beryl's hand. "I hope you two have many good years together. I know I won't!"

Grandpa died.

"Oh boy!" said Artemis. "We can hold a joint wedding-funeral!"

* * *

Beryl and Zoisite showed up at the wedding dress shop.

"Why'd you take me to come dress shopping with you?" asked Zoisite.

"Zoisite you know why, don't play stupid with me."

Zoisite sighed. "This one looks lovely, try it on."

Nephrite and Jed were hiding inside a changing room together.

"Nyeh heh heh," said Nephrite. "I won't let my queen marry a cat. She went too far!"

"But how will you stop the wedding?" asked Jed.

"I'll put a Youma in her dress and crash the ceremony!" laughed Nephrite evilly.

"Well you better hop to it," suggested Jed.

Beryl tried on many dresses.

"What do you think of this one?" she asked again.

"I told you it looks great," said Zoisite. "That's the one for you."

"Okay," decided Beryl. She put the dress down to put her normal purple gown back on.

While the dress was draped over the changing room wall, Nephrite injected it with a Youma.

"Hahaha," he said.

Jadeite made a portal, and they both got sucked in.

"Ouch," said Nephrite.

Beryl approached the register.

"How much for this one?"

"Huehuehue," said the French wedding dress salesman. "You picked out a fine one. That will be 2 million yen!"

"Is that a lot?" asked Beryl.

He nodded.

"Nevermind," said Beryl. "I'll make my own dress."

She fled.

She arrived in Metalia's chambers.

"Hello," said Metalia. "Is it time to revive Kunzite?"

"No," said Beryl. "Can I have a wedding dress?"

"Beryl," said Metalia.

Beryl waited.

"Do you know how much energy that would cost?" Metalia asked.

"How much?" asked Beryl.

"Too much. Get out of my sight. Once that Jadeite guy gets me some energy, then we will talk."

"He had been missing for two years!" exclaimed Beryl. "I tried calling him but he wouldn't answer. Can I please have some better calling powers?"

"Do you know how much energy that would cost?" Metalia asked.

"You have to spend energy to make energy!" said Beryl.

"Nooo!" yelled Metalia. "Get out!"

Beryl shrieked and fled.

She decided to spawn her own wedding dress. "Mmmm," she said. "Looking good."

* * *

It was the day of the wedding.

The Shitennou joined her in grooms' outfits.

Even Kenji arrived despite being supposed to not be here the rest of the chapter.

Artemis appeared wearing a black bowtie and nothing else. He walked down the aisle making suction cup sound effects.

"Looks like the kittens are-" began Zoisite but stopped himself in respect for the wedding.

Tuxedo Mask arrived in his Mamoru get-up.

"What are you doing?" asked Jadeite. "This is the one time you should wear a tuxedo!"

"D'ah," said Mamo. "I'm just a bundle of mysteries."

Jadeite sighed.

"Who wants to walk me down the aisle?" demanded Beryl. The Shitennou looked at each other.

Grandpa went in for the kill.

"Alright Pops," said Beryl. "You remind me of my own old man."

Grandpa shed a tear.

"Hey," said Nephrite. "Wasn't this supposed to be Grandpa's funeral as well?"

Beryl scanned the audience once she reached the altar.

Suddenly she smiled when the door opened and Metalia strolled in despite not having legs.

Metalia took a seat in the front blocking a whole aisle.

"She really does care," said Beryl in awe. "This will be the happiest day of my life!"

Boxy the priest stepped forward and began to perform the wedding ceremony.

He turned to Zoisite and Zoisite nodded. He decided to let bygones be bygones.

Boxy went on. "Do you take this man… errr, cat… to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

"I do," said Beryl.

"And do you-"

"STOP THE WEDDING!" howled Jadeite from Beryl's side. He ran to the front.

"Beryl, I love you! I was gone for two years so I could get up the courage to tell you so!"

"Get back to getting me energy," said Beryl. "We'll talk about this tomorrow."

"Drat," said Jed returning to his spot. "Hey Neph, when's that Youma coming?"

"Oh shit," said Neph. "I better summon it!"

Nephrite summoned the Youma but nothing happened. "Huh, I guess she must have ended up not buying that dress and instead made her own one."

"So what happened to the Youma?" wondered Jadeite.

* * *

"It's my lucky day!" said Motoki's sister.

"I love you," said Motoki's sister's boyfriend.

"I'm so happy for you two," said Motoki's sister's boyfriend's sister.

"Yes, have a good marriage," said Motoki's sister's boyfriend's sister's boyfriend.

Motoki's sister pulled out her wedding dress. "Look, I already bought the dress!"

Suddenly the spider Youma appeared and destroyed all involved.

* * *

The Shitennou heard their shouts from the other side of the city.

Nephrite shrugged. "Dah. I did all I can do. Now Beryl will marry a cat."

Zoisite snickered.

Kenji was crying tears of joy.

"My Beryl is getting married! This will be the happiest moment of my life!"

"Don't you have two kids?" Nephrite asked Kenji.

"Ho ho ho," said Kenji.

"Artemis," said Boxy. "Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

"I DO!" rasped Artemis.

Everyone cringed.

"Oh no," said Jed. "Here comes the kiss!"

Artemis leapt up to kiss Beryl, but couldn't quite reach her.

He had no other choice but to continue to hop up and down until Beryl finally knelt down.

She still couldn't reach so she sat down on the floor.

She went in for the kiss.

"Wait," said Artemis. "I can't do this."

"W-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-whaT?!" cried Beryl.

"Haha," laughed Jed.

Beryl killed Jadeite.

"What a bridezilla," remarked Nephrite.

Beryl went to kill him but stopped herself.

Zoisite knew better than to say a word.

"What?!" repeated Beryl.

"I mean, I can't marry you as a cat. It's too creepy."

Everyone let out a sigh of relief.

"What are you saying?" whimpered Beryl.

"I'm saying, it's time to take my human form."

Artemis took the form of a handsome young lad with long white hair and moon symbol.

"My goodness!" said Beryl. "You're beautiful!"

"Thanks," said Artemis. "Why was I a cat when I could have opposable thumbs like these all along? And wow, my voice isn't raspy anymore. How did I talk in the first place, without lips?"

"That doesn't matter," said Beryl. "Kiss me!"

They kissed.

"Aww," said Jed. "I'm happy if she's happy."

"Yeah, maybe she won't be such a lunatic now that she's not after that Endymio fool. Maybe the Negaverse can finally succeed," mused Nephrite.

"Haha," laughed Kenji. "Yeah right!"

Zoisite finally took a look at human Artemis.

He gasped. "Kunzite my love, you've returned!"

Artemis turned around. "What? I don't look like that guy at all! Especially not in the manga!"

Zoisite charged him.

Beryl finished him off.

Artemis looked at Zoisite's corpse. "You know what they say," he said. "Looks like the kittens are out without their mittens!"

"hahahahhaha," laughed everyone.

Except for Zoisite because he was dead.

Just when the chapter looked like it would end on a happy note for most characters, the doors flung open.

"I am back," said Kunzite.

Artemis recognized him from long ago. "You!" howled human Artemis. "You shot me with lighting, and made fun of the fact that I was out without my mittens!"

"Yes," sneered Kunzite. "And it's time for battle!"

Kunzite summoned his sword and his shield.

Artemis summon a long string with cat toy on the other end. But it was covered in the spikes.

"Let's go surfer boy!" he shouted and charged.

"What? NO!" yelled Kunzite. He dodged the cat toy and they started clashing.

Kunzite shined a laser pointer at the wall, and Artemis was stunned.

"Must… chase…" but his human form overpowered his cat mind.

He socked Kunzite, and Kunzite retaliated with his own sock.

"There can only be one character with these looks! Until those Droidos in season two!" shouted Kunzite.

"I'll show you mittens!" shouted Artemis. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

He pulled out his mittens and backhanded Kunzite.

"What's… in those things?!" demanded Kunzite.

"Titanium," explained Artemis.

"Then why…" panted Kunzite. "Were you out without them?"

"I forgot them at home!" howled Artemis taking a cat stance and leaping at Kunzite.

They fell to the floor and started slugged it out.

Beryl couldn't take much more.

"I just want to be with my new husband!" she yelled. "You are miiine!"

She spawned a huge black crystal and accompanied it with her classic howl. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Artemis joined in on the howl. "AHHHHHHHHHHHH"

Kunzite covered his ears, and Artemis got a sock in.

Just when Beryl was about to throw the crystal, she lost sight of Artemis.

"AHhhh! Which one is Kunzite and which one is Artemis human form?! I can't tell the difference!"

Beryl stabbed herself in the heart and died.

"AHHHHH! BERYL!" yelled Artemis.

Kunzite got the jump in and hammer kicked Artemis.

He was no more.

FIN


	148. Kunzite Oversleeps

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

Queen Beryl was already in a hot sweat. She checked her watch again. "Where is Kunzite?!" she demanded. "He's already two minutes late! This never happens!"

"I don't know," said Jed. "Maybe he just overslept."

"No, impossible," cried Beryl. "It can't be! Please, no!"

"I don't see the big-"

But Jadeite never got to finish his thought.

* * *

Kunzite climbed out of bed. "Something feels off."

He checked the clock.

"NO!" he cried. "I've overslept ten minutes! This can't be!"

He dashed out the door and into Beryl's throne room.

Inside, he found Nephrite sitting on Queen Beryl's throne, using Zoisite as his footrest.

Jadeite was in flames running in circles, and Beryl and Endymion were frozen in blocks of ice.

"NEPHRRIIIIITE!" howled Jed. "I'M ON FIRE!"

"Yes," said Nephrite. "I did that. Kunzite is missing in action, so the Negaverse is MIIIIIINE!"

Kunzite approached Nephrite.

Nephrite spotted him and slapped his knee. "Gosh darn it, fun's over."

Kunzite socked Nephrite into next week.

He helped Zoisite up, blew out Jadeite's fire, and thawed out Queen Beryl.

"Hey, thanks," said Beryl. "Can you unthaw Endymion too?"

"Sorry I can't," said Kunzite. "My hands are tied."

"D'ah," said Beryl.

Kunzite sighed. "What happened?! Every time I'm gone for an extended period of time, Nephrite takes over! But this time I only overslept for ten minutes!"

Jadeite shrugged. "When opportunity knocks, you answer the door."

Kunzite socked Jadeite into next month.

"Why'd you oversleep, anyway?" asked Queen Beryl. "I thought you were more responsible than that! Did your alarm clock break or something?"

"I don't use an alarm clock," explained Kunzite. "Every day for the past 2,000 years, I just knew when to wake up. I'm just that powerful."

"Then what happened today?"

Kunzite started to sweat. "Honestly I don't know."

"Well, we can't risk this happening again," said Beryl. "Go buy an alarm clock. That's an order."

"Yes m'queen," said Kunzite in shame.

* * *

"How about this one?" asked Zoisite.

Kunzite pouted. "No!"

"Well you need to get one, so just pick one already."

"NO!" shouted Kunzite. "I don't need one!"

"Are you going to defy Beryl?" mocked Nephrite.

"Shut it!" yelled Kunzite. "This is all your fault! Why are you even here?"

"When opportunity knocks, you answer," explained Nephrite.

Kunzite growled.

Jed nodded.

"Okay," said Zoisite. "How about this-"

Kunzite swatted it to the floor and broke it. He stomped on its ashes.

"I am the great Kunzite of the Dark Kingdom! I don't need an alarm clock!"

"Excuse me," said Rei in a very threatening tone. "Did you just smash that clock to ashes?"

"Oh no," groaned Kunzite. "Not this one again."

The other Shitennou hid behind Kunzite.

"Hello Rei," said Jadeite.

"Watch it," said Rei.

Jed took a step back and watched it.

"Well, you're going to have to pay for that," stated Rei. "By the way I work here now."

"Sorry," said Kunzite. "We don't have any money. We were actually just planning on stealing an alarm clock. But it seems like we got caught in the act."

"Yes," said Rei. "I'm going to call the cops now, okay?"

"Not okay," said Kunzite.

The Shitennou tied her up and threw her in a sack.

"That'll teach an ordinary human to mess with the Great Four!" laughed Kunzite.

They hopped in their car that they had also stolen and headed home.

"Wait, we forgot to get an alarm clock!" remembered Zoisite.

"Nah," said Kunzite. "I didn't want one anyway. Today was a just fluke. I promise I'll be up 20 minutes early tomorrow."

"Okay…" said Zoisite nervously. "I don't want to end up as Nephrite's footrest again…"

"You don't need to worry," assured Kunzite.

* * *

Kunzite awoke the next morning.

"Ahh, I love seeing the Negasun shine through my Negawindow on a beautiful Negamorning."

Only, the Negasun wasn't shining through his window.

"What… what time is it?!" cried Kunzite.

He checked his clock. He had overslept for one hour.

"NOOOOO!" he cried.

He ran into Beryl's throne room.

"WHAT?! NO!"

Jadeite was a pile of ashes. Zoisite was just a corpse. Queen Beryl was a disembodied head.

"WHAT?! NO!" Kunzite repeated.

"Heh heh," chuckled Nephrite on Beryl's throne. "I win again!"

Kunzite charged Nephrite and disposed of him.

He looked back at the horror scene.

"AHHHH!" he screamed.

* * *

He woke up.

"Woah," he said, gasping for breath. "That was a bad dream! But good thing it was just that- a dream."

He looked at the clock. He had overslept for one hour.

"NOOOOO!" he cried.

He dashed into Beryl's throne room, and the scene was no different than before.

The only minor change was that this time, Jadeite was the disembodied head, and by default, that meant that Beryl was the pile of ashes.

"Oogly boogly," said Nephrite, giving away that this was another dream.

Kunzite disposed of him anyway.

Kunzite was about to wake up, but he had too much Negapower and was able to stay in the dream.

"I have to get to the bottom of this!" he decided. "In addition to controlling when I wake up, I was also able to control my dreams! I won't stand for this!"

Kunzite knew where to go.

"Well well well, if it isn't my old pal Helios," said Kunzite, making air-quotes around "old pal."

Helios gasped. He transformed into Pegasus and took to the skies.

"Hey, get back here!" howled Kunzite.

He took off on foot after Pegasus as he tried rapidly to fly away.

After 20 minutes of chasing, Kunzite had a burst of strength, and leapt up and grabbed Pegasus by the hoof, tossing him to the floor. He did a pile-driver on his exposed torso.

Pegasus coughed and turned back into Helios.

"What do you want, my boy?" Helios asked.

"I want the Silver Imperium Crystal!"

"Well, I can't get you that. Not even in your dreams."

"Oops, sorry," said Kunzite. "That's a demand for someone else. What I want is for you to stop giving me dreams of oversleeping, so that I don't oversleep!"

"It was all in good fun," explained Helios.

Kunzite was mad. He was actually livid.

He picked up scrawny Helios by the neck. "Do you want to say that again, bigboy?"

"It… it… was all in good-"

Kunzite snapped him like a twig.

"No!" cried Pegasus's dream form as it evaporated. "You don't realize what you just did!"

"I've heard that one before," scoffed Kunzite.

"I'm the only one protecting the sweet dreams of the people of Earth!" Pegasus exclaimed.

"And that affects me why?" asked Kunzite.

"But… but I!"

Pegasus's dream form faded as well.

"Hmph," said Kunzite.

The Amazon Trio watched it all go down from around the corner.

"We're free!" they exclaimed.

They fled the dream world and finally became real humans.

Kunzite bent down and picked up Helios's remains.

"What's this shiny gold thing? Aha!"

Kunzite stashed in his pocket and went back to sleep.

* * *

Kunzite awoke suddenly and checked his pocket. "As I thought, it's still there! Aha!"

He checked the clock. "NO!"

He was one minute late. It wasn't much, but it was enough time for Nephrite to take over yet again.

He dashed towards Beryl's throne room, and in front of him, he saw Nephrite dashing at equal velocity.

He couldn't quite catch up to the speed of Nephrite's determination.

Just as Nephrite leapt at Queen Beryl, Kunzite shot a blast and knocked him out of commission.

"Good job!" said Beryl. "I'm glad you've got your sleep schedule back in order! But next time, don't cut it so close."

"Yes m'queen," said Kunzite. "By the way, I happened upon this last night."

He handed Queen Beryl the Golden Crystal.

"What… what is this?!" gasped Beryl.

"It's the Golden Crystal!" Kunzite said triumphantly. "It might be as powerful as the Silver Crystal, and even if it's not, it will be enough to allow Metalia to revive and take her ultimate form!"

Beryl examined the crystal closely.

"Kunzite, this isn't silver! Or imperial!"

"Yes," said Kunzite. "It isn't silver, it's a different crystal. But it's just about as strong!"

Queen Beryl shook her head. "No, no, no! We need the silver one!"

"Queen Beryl, you're being too close-minded! While I realize it's not that exact color, it holds enough power-"

"I don't care!" shouted Beryl. "This one is not compatible with Metalia. Only silver ones are compatible with Metalia."

"What if we paint it?" asked Kunzite.

"Hmm," said Beryl. "I don't think that's enough to fool Metalia."

"But-"

Beryl threw away the crystal. "We have no use for that."

"D'ah," said Kunzite.

Suddenly Jed pranced in. "Queen Beryl! How are you doing?"

"I'm good," said Queen Beryl.

"Oh hey, Kunzite!" said Jadeite. "Glad you got your sleep schedule fixed!"

Kunzite went to blast Jadeite into next year, but decided to just take the compliment.

Suddenly, Jadeite remembered something. "Umm… Kunzite? Can we step outside for a moment?"

Kunzite was confused but obliged.

"What's up?" he asked.

"Remember yesterday when we tied that girl up, put her in a sack, and then put her in the trunk?"

"Oh yeah," recalled Kunzite. "What ever happened with that?"

"I think she's still in there," said Jed.

"Oh boy," groaned Kunzite. "Let's just take the sack out and toss it in the ocean then. I don't want to make this a bigger deal than it has to be."

Kunzite and Jed walked over to the trunk of the car, and Kunzite popped it open.

"Huh?" gasped Jadeite. "She's gone!"

"But how?" pondered Kunzite.

Suddenly they were both nailed with a Mars Fire Ignite.

"You jerks!" shouted Sailor Mars. "You kept me in there for 28 hours! I'm filing a police report for sure, got it?"

"Don't got it," said Kunzite, about to put her back in the sack. "Hey wait a minute, you're not the girl we trapped in the car! Unless…"

"Kunzite," began Jadeite.

"Quiet Jadeite, I'm about to make the greatest discovery yet! Just let me put the pieces together."

Kunzite tried to put two puzzle pieces together, but they just wouldn't fit.

"Yo," said Jadeite. "You do realize that back in season one I found out that Rei was Sailor Mars, Usagi was Sailor Moon, and that other one."

"Wh- wh h- wh hwat?!" sputtered Kunzite. "Jadeite, why didn't you tell anyone?!" he howled. "Literally my whole arc was looking for Sailor Moon!"

"Well golly, I really tried to," said Jadeite. "But Beryl killed me before I could! I guess she was more confident in you guys than she should have been, huh?"

Kunzite slugged Jadeite into next chapter.

"As for you," he began, turning to Rei.

Rei was gone.

"NO!" cried Kunzite.

A few days later Rei filed charges on Kunzite and he had to pay a large fine.

FIN


	149. Queen Beryl Gets Sued! Part 1

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Shut up," said Beryl. "Go take on all the Sailors in a 5v1!"

"But… but I!" exclaimed Jed.

"Can it!" shouted Beryl. "If you lose, it's over for you!"

"But Beryl!" insisted Jed. "They tightened airport security ever since my last attack!"

"Then why don't you fight without planes?" suggested Beryl.

Jadeite stared at her blankly. "I don't know about that. I'm no Kunzite now. Hey, speaking of him, I bet he could take them on!"

"You're the one on the hotseat, Jadeite. Stop trying to slip out of your responsibilities!"

Jadeite frowned.

"GOOOOOO!" yelled Beryl.

Jadeite headed out.

Beryl instantly summoned the others.

"Go help Jed," she commanded. "Don't come back until the Sailors are dead!"

"That'd be suicide to just attack them," said Kunzite. "Sailor Moon has the Silver Crystal now."

"And whose fault is that?!" shouted Beryl.

"Well technically-"

Beryl threw a backhand across the room. Kunzite was annoyed but not injured.

Zoisite really didn't want to go out to the field today. "Don't you remember what happened in the Moon Kingdom raid?" he said. "I don't remember much, but I remember getting burnt to a crisp."

"I don't care!" shouted Beryl. "As long as it's not me out on the frontline, I couldn't care less!"

"Hey Beryl," said Nephrite. "Remember that time you kept screaming 'Metalia-sama! Metalia-sama!' as you died?"

Beryl threw another backhand.

Nephrite was angered and wanted to charge, but barely restrained himself.

"Uh oh," said Beryl. "Jed's about to take the dive. If he drops before you all get there…"

Beryl watched in her crystal as Jed was tossed back and forth like hot potato.

"Why did ya send him out on his own like that?" asked Zoisite. "That was just cruel!"

Beryl threw a backhand and they all teleported away.

"Phew," said Zoisite. "If that would have hit my I would have been a goner."

"HEEEEELP!" yelled Jadeite. "Please Sailors, leave me alone! I don't want to be here!"

They responded by showing him even less mercy.

"Hey!" shouted Nephrite. He flew in and drop-kicked Ami Mizuno, knocking her out of commission.

Kunzite appeared shortly after and summoned the Twin Boomerangs of Fury.

Zoisite stood on the sidelines and cheered them on.

Jupiter spotted him.

"Hey I don't want any trouble!" said Zoisite backing away. "I'm just the referee!"

Jupiter shot an attack, and Kunzite had to fly in and tank it.

He started throwing Doomerangs, nailing a couple Sailor Scouts. But his mistake was throwing one at Sailor Moon because she reflected it.

Kunzite leapt out of the way, and it nailed Zoisite instead.

"AH! Losing strength!" cried Zoisite.

Nephrite wasn't having much of a better time.

Sailor Moon slapped Zoisite with the Moon Wand.

"WHYWHYHWHYHWHYHW!" cried Zoisite as he flew into a pole.

She sent Kunzite along with him.

"Ouch!" cried Zoisite as Kunzite smashed into him.

Jed stood back up. "Alright time to flee!" he said. "We're clearly outmatched by the crystal!"

"Not so fast," called Beryl's image.

"Queen Beryl!" they all cried. "Help us!"

"Sorry," said Beryl.

They waited for an excuse but there was none.

"My hands are tied. Jadeite, get back in there!"

"Please, no!" said Jed.

Beryl's image sent him a backhand and he was tossed to the floor.

"Now hit Sailor Moon from the right!" commanded Beryl.

Jadeite did as he was told and threw a wild right hook.

But he got slapped by the Moon Wand and thrown in the heap with the rest of them.

"No, Jed, your other right!" she barked. "Do you want an eternal sleep?!"

Jadeite let out an incoherent moan.

"All of you keep fighting!" howled Queen Beryl.

Nephrite was getting shot at from all directions by the four Sailor Scouts.

"This is starting to become tiresome," he said.

Kunzite stood back up, only to get backhanded by the Moon Wand.

Sailor Moon was now standing over the pile of Kunzite, Zoisite, and Jadeite, and slapping them with the wand every time they tried to stand up.

"Stand up!" commanded Beryl. "Zoisite, you've been playing dead for a few minutes now! Get on your feet!"

"Please!" yelled Kunzite. "At least shoot an attack with your crystal, and stop slapping us!"

"No!" said Sailor Moon.

Finally the pole broke and they were launched into the distance.

Sailor Moon followed the smoke trail and proceeded to beat them when they fell to the ground.

Finally Beryl had enough and appeared on the scene.

"BERYL!" they howled.

"Step aside," said Beryl to Sailor Moon.

She took out a whip and started to whip them.

"DO YOU WANT AN ETERNAL SLEEP!?" she shouted.

"Staaahhppp!" cried the Shitennou.

The Sailors all looked at each other.

"This is getting awkward," said Rei. "Let's go home."

They left Beryl to continue to smack them down.

"Everyone get in line," commanded Beryl.

They all weakly stood up in a line.

She threw one long backhand, knocking them all to the floor.

"Hmmm," said Mrs. Mizuno, who had been watching the whole fight as she had realized Ami was Sailor Mercury months ago.

"That's enough!" she shouted.

Beryl paused. "Who are you?"

"I am Dr. Professor Mizuno, PhD and attorney at law.

"Ooooo, scary!" mocked Beryl.

"Are these your employees?" asked Dr. Mizuno.

"No," said Beryl. "They're my slaveboys."

"You know that's illegal, right?"

"Then they're my employees," explained Beryl.

"As I thought." Dr. Mizuno shook her head. "I'm suing you for all you own. This is employee mistreatment and it's highly illegal. You, young man," she said, pointing to Jadeite. "Are you in a union?"

"U… union? Those aren't allowed where I come from," said Jadeite sadly. "There used to be a couple Shitennous before us who were in a union. Let's just say it didn't end well for them."

Dr. Mizuno jotted this down. "Has your manager ever done something that made you feel intimidated in your workplace?"

"OHHhhhhh YEAH BOIIII OH YEAAH!" said Jadeite.

Beryl slugged him. "QUIET FOOL! She'S WRITing THIS DOWN!"

She wrote that down.

Beryl broke into a hot sweat. "What's to stop me from killing you here and now?"

"My husband is also a doctor attorney. He will sue you for everything you have. If you want your sentence to be minimal, I'd watch it."

For once Beryl shut her mouth.

"I'll see you in court," said Dr. Mizuno.

Beryl and the Negacrew stood there for a few minutes before teleporting back.

* * *

Beryl paced rapidly around her throne.

"Woah," said Jadeite. "I didn't know you could get off that!"

Beryl went to throw him a backhand, but was too worried about the court case.

"Hey don't worry about it," said Nephrite. "They're just humans. It's not like we have to show up."

"No," said Beryl. "You don't understand. I already got the command to appear at trial in Galaxy Court."

"G-G-G-G-G-G-Galaxy court?!" sputtered Nephrite.

"What's that?" asked Zoisite.

"I know a lot about the stars," explained Nephrite. "So I know what happens if you break the laws of the universe. They take you to the supreme court of your galaxy, and the sentences are severe!"

Beryl was in a hotter sweat than before. She took a bottle of aspirin. It didn't calm her down so she took another one.

"Mmm," she said, now that she could think about this calmly. "We need a lawyer."

"OOO!" said Jadeite. "Pick me! Pick me!"

"Jadeite," said Beryl. "You can't even behave at the McDonald's. You caused other parents to look at us! There's no way you could be mature in a courtroom."

"WHHAAAAAt?!" cried Jed. "What do you mean?!"

"I think she's trying to say," explained Nephrite. "That you'll be more of a liability than an asset!"

"Can it with the blabber!" yelled Beryl, annoyed and confused. "I know just who I'll have represent us."

Kunzite appeared. "Don't worry my queen. I am honored to-"

"Not you," said Beryl. "My old family lawyer. He's dealt with our estates since the Silver Millennium."

She pulled out her cellphone.

20 minutes later a cab pulled up to the North Pole, and a serious looking man in a suit popped out.

"KENJIIIIIIIII!" howled Beryl.

"BERYYYYYLLLL!" howled Kenji, Usagi Tsukino's father. He trotted in.

"Here's my business card," he said throwing business cards at the Shitennou like confetti.

Kunzite caught one with two of his fingers and snarled at it.

Beryl froze one in mid-air in front of her. "What is this?" she demanded.

Kenji made the writing appear on it.

"OOooh," said Beryl. "This is a good business card."

"Hmph," said Kunzite. "I could have done better. He didn't even use Photoshop. I believe he used MS Paint, my queen."

"I don't know what that means Kunzite," replied Beryl. "Kenji is our last hope, show him some respect. You will treat him like you treat me."

"Alright!" said Zoisite giddily.

"Zoisite, don't kill Tuxedo Mask," said Kenji.

"On it my queen," said Zoisite.

Queen Beryl was angry but didn't know how to express it.

There wasn't anything more to say so they waited for the big day.

* * *

It was the big day, and Beryl and her entourage entered the court room.

The news crews swarmed them.

"Is it true you're very violent to your staff and others?" asked Motoki's sister, shoving a mic in Queen Beryl's face.

Beryl killed Motoki's sister but luckily the judge wasn't looking.

Beryl and the crew were sworn in, and Beryl sat down next to Kenji.

Mrs. Mizuno sneered from the prosecutor's bench.

The Shitennou sat behind Beryl in the stands.

They eyed the jury.

"I don't like the looks of this jury," said Zoisite.

In it was all the other seasons' bad guys, waiting to replace their spot.

Beryl gulped.

The judge finally made her appearance.

"Hello, I am judge Galaxia-sama."

"Nice costume," commented Jadeite.

Galaxia shot him a glare.

"This court is legit," whispered Kenji to Beryl. "Good thing I have our case in the bag."

"I sure hope you're right," said Beryl.

"Can I have your opening statements?" asked Judge Galaxia.

"No thank you," said Kenji.

"What?!" demanded Beryl.

"I didn't have anything prepared," shrugged Kenji eating toast.

"I'd be honored, your honor," said Taiki stepping forward.

"Who's she?" asked Kunzite.

"I guess that lady's lawyer," assumed Beryl.

"A lawyer with a lawyer, how spooky," said Jed.

"Greetings friends of the court, and bad guys wanting to have some airtime. Me and the lovely Dr. Mizuno here are prosecuting Queen Beryl of the Dark Kingdom for numerous crimes against humanity, including: employee mistreatment, abuse in the workplace, unsafe work environment, slavery, murder, excessive overtime with no extra pay, no pay at all, and sexual harassment."

"HEY!" said Beryl. "Who did I sexually harass?!"

"Not important," said Taiki. "We'll get to that charge when the time is right."

He sat down.

"Then let this case begin!" stated Galaxia, slamming down her glowing mallet.

"Alright boys step aside, Big Kenj is coming to town!"

Galaxia glared at him.

"So basically, my case is going to consist of calling up witnesses," explained Kenji.

"Yes," said Galaxia. "That's how court works."

"That's wiggity whack!" said Kenj. "Alright, my first witness. Queen Beryl herself!"

Jadeite applauded loudly. "Knock em' dead, Queen B.!"

Queen Beryl hopped up to the stand.

"So you're this Queen Beryl everyone's been talking about," began Kenji. "Have you been abusing your workers or whatever?"

"No sir," said Beryl shaking her head.

"And have you ever done all that other crap they came up with?"

"No sir," said Beryl shaking her head.

"OBJECTION!" yelled Taiki. "This is highly unprofessional."

"Hey, who's the lawyer here?" asked Kenji.

"We are," said Dr. Mizuno.

"Is it your turn to talk? I don't think so," said Kenji.

"Carry on," said Galaxia.

"Oh I will. I'll carry on real good."

"Objection," said Taiki.

"Overruled," said Galaxia silencing him.

"Ty," said Kenji. "So Queen Beryl. Why do you think this mean lady would make all these mean accusations?"

"I don't know," said Beryl. "I have never done anything wrong in my life."

"Ah, I see," said Kenji turning to the jury. "This all must be a big mistake. No further questions."

Beryl and Kenji sat down next to each other again. They high-fived.

"Are you seeing this?!" demanded Taiki.

"Overruled," said Galaxia.

"Is that all you have to say?"

"Shut it ponytail boy or I'll blow up your planet again," said Galaxia.

"Way to go!" said Jed. "You've got the judge on our side!"

"Alright," said Galaxia. "I'm done with this guy. Someone take him out of my court!"

Sailor Aluminum Siren and Sailor Lead Crow hauled Jadeite out by the arms and legs.

"We'll call him back in when we need him," said Galaxia.

"TELL ME HOW IT GOOOOEEESS!" cried Jed.

"Alright," said Taiki. "It's my turn to call a witness." Taiki thought fast and called Zoisite up right away.

"Drat, I knew he'd do this," said Beryl sadly.

As Zoisite walked up, Beryl grabbed him and whispered in his ear. "Don't you dare say anything bad about me, or I'll take you out again!"

"What'd she just whisper to you?" demanded Dr. Mizuno.

"She said if I dare say anything bad about her, she'll take me out again!"

"AHHHH!" screamed Beryl spawning a huge black crystal.

Kenji calmed her down. "Wait till after the trial," he advised.

"So, Zoisite," said Taiki.

"Yeah, what's up?" said Zoisite putting his legs up on the stand.

"How do you feel about your boss, Queen Beryl?"

"Oh boy," said Zoisite. "Don't even get me started!"

"We're doomed," said Beryl.

"So here's what happened. I got ALL SEVEN of the rainbow crystals! Do you know how hard that is, considering my power level?!"

"Ah, yes," said Taiki turning to the jury. "Let it be stated that this witness has a very low power-level."

"Objection!" said Beryl. "Zoisite is one of my strongest warriors!"

"Objection!" said Mrs. Mizuno. "Zoisite was overpowered by simple critters such as rats and crows."

"Quiet, both of you," said Galaxia. "Proceed, Zoisite."

"Thank you, judge!" said Zoisite. "So I'd get like five crystals in a row, and then Tuxedo Mask would get like one, and Beryl would freak out and threaten to kill me!"

The jury gasped.

"Okay okay, so speaking of that Tuxedo Mask, he was a real bad guy. He scarred my face and called me gayboy!"

"Objection," said Kenji. "What episode and timestamp did he call you that?"

"It was off screen," said Zoisite.

"Overruled," said Galaxia.

"So yeah, this guy, bad news. So I told Beryl, 'Hey, maybe we should just kill him before he gets in the way of our plans! Now, let me tell you some back story here. My whole season, and my comrades' whole seasons, we all tried to kill Tuxedo Mask. Jadeite in fact took him out of commission, almost drowning him. But one day, I go above and beyond- I didn't have to mind you, but I knock his mask off, and reveal his identity! Now this should have been a win for me, but as it turns out, Tuxedo Mask is really Mamoru Chiba!"

The jury gasped and took note of this.

"And now let me tell you about Mamoru Chiba! This guy- don't even get me started on this guy. So he's 17, and his girlfriend is like, 12! And this guy's in college, or at least in the sub I think. Or maybe it's the dub. One of them says he's in college. College student dating middle school student? Sounds to me like a bad character all around."

"Objection!" said Mrs. Mizuno. "This is irrelevant!"

"Alright, alright," said Zoisite. "So I can't tell the story of when Mamoru Chiba broke up with his girlfriend for a whole season just for filler and was in a romantic relationship with his five year old daughter from the future?!"

"No," said Galaxia.

"Drat," said Zoisite. "Then I plead the fifth."

"Objection!" said Mizuno. "You didn't use that right. You weren't being asked anything."

"Ok smart-aleck," said Zoisite. "Then what's my question?"

"Get to the part where she killed you," suggested Taiki.

"Oh yeah, so Mamoru Chiba dies from an elevator accident. And Beryl just ASSUMES it was me!"

"Objection!" yelled Kenji. "She said she saw you do it!"

"But was she on the scene of the crime?" asked Zoisite.

"Well, no," said Kenji. "But-"

"Objection," said Mizuno. "You're not allowed to have a bargain with the witness."

"Objection," said Kenji. "You're not allowed to object too many times in one trial."

"Alright," said Galaxia. "I've had enough of this. Zoisite, go away."

"Phew," said Beryl. "That was smart thinking, Kenji," she praised.

"Not to worry," said Kenji. "Now they'll never know that you just murdered him as well as Jadeite in cold blood."

"What was that?" asked Galaxia.

"I was just saying how non-biased and all around beautiful you were!"

Kenji winked.

Galaxia cringed.

"Ok, my next witness," said the Kenj. "Defense calls Taiki to the stand!"

"Huh?" said Taiki. "Objection!"

"You can't object to calling a witness," said Galaxia. "Overruled."

Taiki reluctantly sat down in the witness booth.

"What's the meaning of this?" he demanded.

"Hey, I'm the one asking questions," said Kenji. "So, where were you on the night of January the 13th?"

"Objection," said Taiki. "Irrelevant."

"The witness can't call objections!" chimed Beryl.

"Yes," said Galaxia. "Keep going."

"Objection," said Mrs. Mizuno.

"Sorry too late," said Galaxia. "Go on Kenji."

Kenji nodded. "Well, Taiki? Your answer?"

"I don't remember off the top of my head," said Taiki.

"Don't remember, or you don't want to remember?!"

"Good job," said Beryl.

The jury all looked stunned.

"Mr. Kou, must I remind you that you're under oath?"

"I know," said Taiki. "I'm the lawyer."

Kenji shook his head. "Can we really trust a lawyer that also serves as a witness? I don't think the lawyer should have any connection with the defense attorney!"

"I don't!" shouted Taiki. "You called me up here!"

"I have a question," said Kenji. "This sentence is false. Was my last sentence true or false?!"

Taiki started to sputter. "I… I don't!"

"Answer the question!" demanded Galaxia.

"I plead the fifth!" Taiki said desperately.

"Mmmm," said Kenji. "Pleading the fifth. That just proves you have something to hide!"

"I'm the lawyer! You're the one being prosecuted!"

"I OBJECT!" howled Mizuno.

"Alright, alright," said Kenji. "No further questions. But I don't think we should trust that this guy is a lawyer if he can't go one question without pleading the fifth."

Kenji sat down.

Taiki sat down in his seat in a hot sweat.

"What are you doing?" demanded Mizuno.

"I don't know!" he cried. "They're playing some kind of mind game with us! I would object but I don't know exactly what they're doing!"

Dr. Mizuno sighed. "Just call up your next witness, Taik."

"I'll redeem myself," promised Taiki. "I call Jadeite to the stand!"

Jadeite flew into the court room. "WAHHOOOOOO!"

He leapt up to the witness stand.

Beryl had mixed feelings about this. She knew Jed would try to be loyal but he might get outsmarted.

"So," said Taiki.

"Hello," said Jadeite.

"Hi," said Taiki.

"Hello," said Jadeite.

"Objection," yelled Kenji. "Leading the witness!"

"Sustained," said Galaxia.

"Alright, alright," said Taiki. "So Jadeite. Tell us about your last death."

"My last death?" said Jadeite. "Well in chapter number 3 of the manga-"

"Good, good!" said Beryl. "They didn't specify which canon!"

"No, in the anime," said Taiki.

"How about the musical?" bargained Jed.

"No," said Taiki.

"Alright, alright," said Jadeite. "In the Sailor Moon Crystal anime, I was killed by Metalia. But I don't really agree with that because it wasn't in the manga. I also don't agree with who they ship me with. I'm more into that Minako girl."

"Keep your paws off her!" barked Kunzite from the stand.

"Settle down," said Zoisite angrily. "You're making a fool out of yourself."

"No," said Taiki again. "The original anime."

"Sub or dub?" he asked.

"Unimportant," said Taik.

"Well in the dub, Beryl specifically warned me it would be the end of my story if I failed!"

"Do you think that's a fair order?" asked Taiki. "Especially considering how hard you were working, and how she could have called Kunzite in episode one to dispose of the Sailors."

"Hmm, you're right," said Jadeite. "I was working hard."

"Objection!" yelled Kenj. "Queen Beryl said he wasn't! And also, goading the witness."

"Sustained," said Galaxia.

"Hmm," said Taiki. "But Beryl murdered you, correct?"

"Well," said Jed. "Some could argue I murdered myself."

"I need a straight yes or no answer," said Taiki.

Jed looked nervously at Beryl. She narrowed her eyes.

"I must remind you that you're under oath," said Taiki.

"Well technically it was an eternal sleep, so I wouldn't-"

"YES OR NO!?" shouted Taiki.

Jadeite opened his mouth but said nothing.

A minute later the judge was getting impatient.

"Answer the question."

"NO!" cried Kenji. "Run out the clock!"

"Objection!" yelled Dr. Mizuno.

"Answer the question," repeated Galaxia.

Jadeite looked around one more time. He coughed and mumbled "YES."

"What was that?" asked Taiki.

"Objection," said Kenji. "He already asked this question."

"Alright stop with the objections," said Galaxia. "Jadeite, your final answer?"

"PLEAD THE FIFTH!" howled Beryl.

Jadeite looked around.

"DON'T PLEAD THE FIFTH!" shouted Zoisite.

Queen Beryl publicly slugged him.

Everyone gasped.

"Oops, I slipped," said Beryl. "I'm sorry Zoisite."

Zoisite threw himself to the floor. "OOWWWWW THE PAIN!"

The jury muttered amongst themselves.

"Can I please sit down now?" asked Jadeite crying.

"Alright, alright, alright," said Taiki taking pity. "No further questions."

"Actually," said Kenji. "I would like to cross-exam this witness."

"Oh boy," groaned Taiki.

Kenji pranced up to the stand.

"Jadeite, how many episodes did you have to get energy?"

"Well in the dub it was only ten."

"Hmm, I see," said Kenji. "And how many episodes did Tellu from season 3 get?"

"Like one?" asked Jed. "But I mean that's not really the same."

"I see," said Kenji. "10 times more than poor little Tellu got. Do you agree that you were more privileged than others?"

"Well I guess," said Jed. "But it was just the luck of the draw. There were a couple times I could have died."

"But you didn't," said Kenji.

"Well I mean-"

"No further questions," said Kenji sitting down.

Jed was once again removed from the court and took his spot in the hall.

Taiki was exhausted. He undid his ponytail so his hair could get some air.

"My next witness," said Kenji. "Galaxia."

Galaxia gasped. "What? NO!"

"Yes," said Kenij. "Take the stand."

"Objection," said Mizuno.

"Sustained," said Galaxia.

"Hey," said Kenji. "You can't sustain, you're a witness!"

"Drat!" said Galaxia. She had no choice.

"First question," started Kenji. "This Taiki fellow. You know him?"

"Yes," said Galaxia.

"Hmmmmm," said Kenji. "Do I hear bias?"

"Excuse me?" demanded Galaxia.

"Sustained," said Kenji. "Now, is it true or is it not, that Taiki charged you with all he had in an attempt to remove you from existence?"

Galaxia thought about it. "You know, you're right."

"OBJECTION!" yelled Taiki.

"Overruled," said Kenji. "Next question. Is it true he became a shooting star and chased you through the cosmos?"

"Yes," said Galaxia.

"Mmm," said Kenji. He was silent for one full minute to make sure this sunk in.

"My last question. Is it true that Taiki said that people can't turn into stars when they die?"

"Yes," said Galaxia.

"But he turned into a star!"

"Yes."

"No further questions."

Galaxia got back up to the judge's booth. "Well then," she said. "That was a first. Taiki, or should I say, scumbag, who's your next witness?"

"The prosecution calls Kunzite to the stand!"

Beryl started to get giddy. "This is who I counted on! All the others are deplorables!"

Kunzite gave Beryl the thumbs up then sat down.

"Kunzite," said Taiki. "I'll get straight to the point. Episode 35. What happened?"

"Well it all started when Sailor Moon turned into the Moon Princess."

"Fast forward a bit to about halfway through the episode," said Taiki. "You're in Beryl's throne room talking to Beryl. You just successfully kidnapped Tuxedo Mask, however you let the crystals get away. What does Beryl say?"

Kunzite started to sweat. "She said, uh, 'That was poorly executed Kunzite.' But I think that's reasonable as I just sat there and watched as everything we worked for flew away when I easily had the power to stop it."

"Okay, that's fair," said Taiki. "And then what happened?"

"Then I battled the Sailor Scouts," said Kunzite.

"Where was Zoisite during this?" asked Taiki.

"Uhhhhh he was resting," said Kunzite.

"Resting? You mean like sleeping?"

"Well no," said Kunzite. "I mean like resting in peace."

"What? Why?" asked Taiki. "Are you trying to say that Beryl KILLED Zoisite?"

"Well," said Kunzite. "It could be argued that Zoisite died from the encounter with the Moon Wand. Or, as I like to see it, it was really Tuxedo Mask and the Sailors that killed him, when he got hit by that rose! See that's what baited him into getting killed by Beryl, so really-"

"What'd you just say?"

"I said 'so really'" said Kunzite.

"No, before that," said Taiki.

"Well… I…."

"Did you just say Beryl killed Zoisite?"

"Well… I…. UMM….!"

Kunzite pulled at his shirt collar. "Woo, is it hot in here, or is just me?"

"It's just you," said Galaxia.

"Thank you for clearing that up," said Kunzite. "I think we're done here."

He went to leave but Lead Crow stopped him.

"Yes or no," demanded Taiki. "Did Queen Beryl murder your boyfriend?"

"I plead the fifth?" he asked.

"Hmm," said Taiki. "I see. Well actually, I have footage from that day."

"OBJECTION!" yelled Beryl. "WHERE DID YOU GET THIS? Did you stream it illegally?!"

"No," said Taiki. "I bought the DVDs."

"Drat," said Kenji. "We almost had him."

"Okay," said Galaxia. "Why don't you put that on?"

Kunzite and Beryl were both in a hot sweat.

They watched Beryl kill Zoisite.

"NO!" said Kunzite along with Kunzite on the video.

Kunzite was actually pretty steamed from watching it over again.

"Whelp Beryl the jig is up. They saw the video so yeah, she did do it!"

"KUNZITE!" yelled Beryl. "You were the one I counted on!"

"Objection!" said Mizuno. "You don't have the right to talk to the witness!"

Galaxia ignored them.

She sighed nostalgically. "I remember when I used to kill my lackeys this way."

"Why are you the judge?" asked Zoisite suddenly. "This doesn't make much sense considering you're supposed to be prosecuting her for stuff that you did yourself."

"Watch it," said Galaxia. "Don't make me remove your gauntlets."

"Gauntlets?" asked Zoisite.

"Hmm," said Galaxia. "I'll take you out after the trial."

"Get in line," said Beryl.

"OBJECTION!" yelled Zoisite. "The judge and the defense just threatened me!"

"Overruled," said Galaxia.

"NO!" said Zoisite.

"I'd like to call a short recess!" yelled Kenji.

* * *

"Alright so Kunzite blew it," said Kenji.

"Hey!" said Kunzite. "They had the DVDs! Honestly I think Zoisite did worse!"

"Why are we on Beryl's side in this again?" asked Zoisite.

Kenji sighed. "Well now that the whole jury saw you murder someone, we're going to have to do a lot of work to get you out of this hole Kunzite dug."

"What the heck?!" demanded Kunzite. "I was the only one actually loyal to you this trial!"

"What about me?" said Jed.

"No," said Kenji. "You humiliated Beryl by getting thrown out."

"D'ah," said Jed.

"Don't worry," said Neph. "You still got me!"

"I'm a dead man," said Beryl sadly.

"Don't give up yet!" insisted Kenji. "I'll convince them the murders were accidental. You just meant to throw weak backhands but instead ended up killing people! Galaxia can relate to weak backhands. I've studied season 5 accordingly and Galaxia threw quite a few backhands at that Iron Mouse lass."

"What a great lawyer," said Beryl.

"Hey Kenji," asked Neph. "What's the punishment for all the crimes Beryl's accused of, anyway? A fee? A couple years in jail?"

"No," said Kenji sadly. "100 years of torture and then death with no possibility of parole. And then execution."

"Huh?" said Jed.

"Hey don't quote me," said Kenji. "I'm not a lawyer."

"Huh?" said Jadeite.

"I said don't quote me!"

"Man," said Zoisite. "If only Beryl hadn't killed and abused us. Then we wouldn't be in this mess!"

"Watch it if you don't want to be killed," said Beryl.

Zoisite turned off his tape recorder. "That's all I needed to hear."

Beryl picked up the tape recorder and ate it.

"Damn," said Zoisite. "Why did I say that? They could have won this case with that tape."

Taiki stepped out into the hall. "It's time to come back in."

"Drat," said Beryl.

Nephrite adjusted his Maxfield Stanton costume, ready to go.

"Don't call him up," Beryl said to Kenji.

"Got it," said Kenji.

Taiki overheard this. "Lol can't wait for my turn!"

* * *

TO BE CONTINUED…


	150. Queen Beryl Gets Sued! Part 2

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite over the phone. "I found a new source of energy!"

"No phone calls in the court," said Galaxia.

"Sorry," said Beryl. She hung up on Jed.

They heard Jed yell from outside the courtroom.

Galaxia sighed. "Taiki, who's next?"

Nephrite shuffled his cards that Beryl wrote for him. "This will be a breeze," he thought.

Taiki took note of this. "I call Evil Endymion to the stand."

Beryl let out a shriek. "He is MIIIIIINE!"

Evil Endymion sauntered forward.

Beryl bit her nails as fast as a chipmunk chews its nut.

Kenji was drenched in sweat. He dried himself with a towel.

"Hello," said Taiki.

"What do you want?" barked Mamoru.

"Hey watch it," said Taiki. "So, why do they call you Evil Endymion?" he asked.

"We're done for," stated Beryl.

"No," said Kenji.

Beryl waited for him to say something reassuring but he didn't.

"Well," said Evil Endymion. "It all started when she kidnapped me after that lowlife Zoisite killed me."

Everyone turned to Zoisite, and he shrugged.

"Objection!" cried Beryl. "I objected to this!"

"You shouldn't even be making objections," said Galaxia.

"Objection!" said Kenji. "She objected to this!"

Galaxia was stumped. "Sustained. Move on, Taiki."

"Yes," said Taik. "So you woke up missing your tuxedo, correct?"

"That is correct," said Tuxedo.

"Good," said Beryl. "They're going off track."

"Who do you think took it off you?" asked Taiki. "Did this make you feel violated?"

"Kunzite," answered Tuxedo Mask. "He just wanted to see how buff I was, and he was disappointed to find that I was actually almost double as muscular as he was."

"OOOOOOBJECTION!" yelled Kunzite. "He's bending the question to attack me personally!"

"Objection!" said Mizuno. "You're just in the stands. Stop interrupting this case! Same goes for you, Beryl!" she added.

"Objection!" said Kenji. "Beryl is innocent!"

Mizuno waited for him to say something, but he did not.

Galaxia ignored them.

"Anyway," said Taiki. "Did Beryl force you to be evil, attack your friends, and subject you to unsafe working conditions?"

"Yes," said Endymion. "But the worst part was when she forced me to train that Kunzite guy! Did you know he uses humans to do his dirty work? Heh heh."

"OBJECTION!" shouted Kunzite. "He's attacking me again! And also most of what he says is a lie!"

"Get out of my courtroom," said Galaxia.

"NooooOOO!" cried Kunzite. "Don't make me go out there with Jed! I'll behave, I'll behave!"

"Alright," said Galaxia. "But I'm watching you."

"Hey!" shouted Jed dashing into the room. "You didn't give me a second chance!"

He was hauled out instantly and tossed into the wall.

"Enough of this," said Taiki. "He just said that Beryl did all those terrible things!"

"Hmm," said Galaxia. "I'm more interested in his feud with this Kunzite fellow. That was more interesting than the plot of those episodes!"

"Good, good!" thought Beryl. "Let them be distracted!"

"But I-" began Taiki.

"Shut your mouth!" yelled Galaxia. "Whose courtroom is this?"

"Yours," said Taiki angrily.

"That's right," said Galaxia. "Now if you don't want me to blow up your planet then watch it."

"Yes," said Taiki.

"Kenji, get on with your next witness!" shouted Galaxia.

"Wait!" said Evil Endymion. "One more thing! Beryl forced me into marriage with her and also raided my entire kingdom as a young boy and killed me and Princess Serenity!"

Kenji went to object but he had no objection. He was in a hot sweat.

The jury was in a warm sweat. They wrote vigorously on their notepads.

"Alright, that's all," said Taiki, escaping while he still had the upper-hand.

"This case looks like it's nearly concluded," stated Galaxia.

That made Kenji sweat even more. He started to take his clothes off.

"Stop it!" yelled Beryl.

Kenji put on lighter clothes and started to panic.

"I call Shingo to the stand!"

"WHO?!" cried Beryl.

"Tr-trust me," Kenji stuttered, shaking like a leaf.

Shingo threw down his DS angrily. "What do you want, old man?"

"Son, don't you want that new Sailor V game?"

"Objection!" cried Dr. Mizuno. "Bargaining!"

"I'll bargain you in the chops!" said Kenji.

"GAlaaxiiaaa-sama!" howled Mizuno.

But Galaxia wasn't paying attention.

"Come along, me boy," said Kenji, gesturing towards the seat.

Shingo groaned and hopped up to the witness booth.

"Now who is this?" asked Galaxia.

"Just an old comrade of ours," said Kenji. "Now, Shingo, is it? What's your opinion on Queen Beryl?"

"That old hag? I think she should eat a brick!" said Shingo.

"Shingo!" cried Kenji. "That wasn't in the script!"

The jury gasped.

"Heh heh…" said Kenji nervously. "Now Shingo me boy. Would I ever lie to you?"

"Yes," said Shingo.

"ShingoOOOOO!" shouted Kenji. "That is all."

Shingo did not move. "This is my seat now. Go to hell."

"Shingo," warned Kenji, blowing a gasket. "Please go home."

"Buzz off, old man!" shouted Shingo.

"Move," said Galaxia.

"You wanna rumble, hag?" demanded Shingo.

"What did you just call me?" asked Galaxia.

"You're a hag bag, fag!" said Shingo.

Galaxia levitated Shingo out of the chair.

"What did you just call me?" she asked again.

"FAAAAAAAAAAG!" shouted Shingo. "FAG FAG FAGGETY FAG! Times 99999999999999!"

"Shingo, no!" yelled Kenji.

But it was too late.

Galaxia concluded Shingo's story.

Kenji was devastated but he didn't know how to express it, so he sat back down.

"What are you doing?" asked Beryl.

"Mourning my lil turd," said Kenji sadly.

"No," said Beryl. "I mean calling up that joke of a witness!"

"Well I wasn't going to call up Nephrite," he said. "You told me not to, remember?"

"Oh right," said Beryl. "Carry on."

Nephrite, who was a couple seats away, continued to shuffle his cards. "I am so ready!"

"Now then," said Taiki. "My ace in the hole!"

"Hmm," said Beryl. "He couldn't possibly call up Metalia… she'd slaughter him!"

"I call…"

Everyone waited.

"The ghost of Queen Serenity!"

"NO!" screamed Beryl.

Kenji started to drown in his sweat.

The ghost of Queen Serenity hovered in.

"Now, ghost of Queen Serenity," began Taiki. "Explain your fate please."

"Well," began ghost of Q.S.

"Objection!" yelled Kenji randomly.

"Calm yourself," said Galaxia.

"But wait!" said Kenji. "Can't only people testify?"

"That is true," said Galaxia.

"Well it appears to me that the witness is not alive. This is probably just some clever trick with mirrors!"

"Drat," said Mrs. Mizuno holding a finger puppet up to a mirror.

"Aha!" said Galaxia. "Get out of my court!"

"NO!" cried Mizuno. "It was our ace in the hole!"

"Get oouuuut!" screamed Galaxia.

"Give me a second chance," begged Mizuno.

"Ok," said Galaxia.

"I would like to cross-examine the witness!" hollered Kenji.

"Calm down," said Beryl.

"Go ahead," said Galaxia.

"Unfortunately," said Mrs. Mizuno. "Our witness has to leave!"

"No," said Galaxia. "He's allowed to cross-examine!"

Mizuno broke her mirror. "Drat!" she said.

"Hmm," said Galaxia. "Looks like Kenji gets 10 free points."

"Yeehaw!" said Kenij. But then he went back to panicking knowing that he would have to call up a witness.

"Defense calls Kenji to the stand!" yelled Kenji.

Beryl bopped him on the head.

"I mean, umm… um… umm…"

Nephrite raised his hand.

"I call Grandpa to the stand!"

"Whose Grandpa?" asked Galaxia. "My Grandpa? Rei's Grandpa?"

"Correct," stammered Kenji.

G-Pa Hino hopped onto the stand. Unfortunately he was so short, they had to put a phonebook under him.

"Now, Mr. Hino," began Kenji.

"I have to come clean," said Granpda. "I know everyone was expecting a show, but I came with none. I'm all out of ideas."

"Huh?!" asked Kenji.

"Every time you see ol' Grandpa, you expect comedy, but there will be none today, as I did not prepare a routine. You see, what you may think is spontaneously goofy behavior is actually well-thought out and rehearsed material. It takes me hours and hours just for a single appearance in a chapter. Today, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I'm sorry."

"Oh," said Kenji sadly. "No further questions."

"JK!" said Grandpa. "Now about that Queen Beryl! She is one bad guy!"

"Grandpa!" yelled Beryl. "WHY?!"

"I was just a poor innocent old man. Then one day Beryl turned me into a lobster. A nega-lobster no less!"

The jury gasped.

"Alright that's it," said Grandpa. He hopped on a tricycle and pedaled away. "So long!"

Beryl hung her head. "I'm gonna miss living," she said.

Kenji was a stuttering mess when he returned. Beryl was no better.

"Alright, my last witness!" exclaimed Taiki. "The prosecutor calls Metalia, Beryl's manager to the stand."

"METALIA-SAMA!" cried Beryl with glee. "She'll get me out of this!"

"Oh no!" cried Kenji. "No she won't!"

"Why not?!" asked Beryl.

"Because this isn't sub Metalia! This is sassy dub Metalia!"

"NOOOO!" screamed Beryl.

"So," said Taiki. "Tell me about Beryl."

"She's nearly as incompetent as her minions," stated sassy dub Metalia.

"Darnit!" said Beryl. "She didn't say anything like this in the sub!"

"And is it true you should have abandoned her, but you gave her one last chance?" asked Taiki.

"YEEEES!" screamed sassy dub Metalia. "There will be no universe, only the Negaverse!"

"Hmm," said Taiki. "So Beryl-"

Metalia cut him off. "The Negaforce will be mine! All mine! The universe will crumple under my boot of destiny! And I, Queen Negaforce of the Negaverse-"

"No further questions," said Taiki.

Metalia walked away despite her no feet.

Galaxia let out a loud yawn. "Your last witness, Kenji."

Kenji was now just a puddle. A court staff member slipped on him and sued the court for all that had. But that was another story.

"Kenji?" repeated Galaxia.

"Come on!" cried Beryl. "This is our last shot!"

Nephrite went to step forward.

"MEEEELVIN!" shouted Kenji. "You're our last hope! Don't let us down!"

"I won't," promised Melvin appearing in a flash.

"Who is this guy?" asked Beryl.

"He was once your Shitennou," stated Kenji. "He's also the perfect match for my daughter, Sailor Moon, AKA the Moon Princess."

"Sorry, I don't know what any of that means," said Beryl. "That's Kunzite's job."

"Wait, Usagi Tsukino is…" began Kunzite, but he couldn't put the pieces together and eventually forgot what he had been thinking about.

Kenji stepped forward.

"So Melvin Gurio, where were you-"

"HEY!" yelled Galaxia. "HEY YOU!"

"Me?" asked Kenji.

"No," said Galaxia. "That suspicious blond man in the overcoat! What's your name?"

"Umm… Jay Dite?" said Jadeite hiding in the stands.

"Hey, I threw you out!" screamed Galaxia.

Jadeite made a break for it, and Galaxia's guards chased after him.

"Say," said Kenji, who had still been interrogating Melvin. "If all of Galaxia's guards are chasing Jadeite, who's defending Galaxia?"

"Excuse me?" said Galaxia.

"THIS IS FOR BERYL!" cried Kenji. He leapt up and socked Galaxia, sending her tumbling to the floor and off her stand.

"NOW'S OUR CHANCE!" cried Kenji. "LET'S LEG IT!"

"But what about the trial?!" asked Beryl. "We might have won!"

"NOoooooOOOOOO!" said Kenji. "Now flee, quick!"

Queen Beryl hopped on Kenji's back and Kenji sprinted out the door. Beryl's entourage followed.

"Hey, stop them!" yelled Galaxia to the jury.

But before they could stand up, Grandpa leapt into the jury and started throwing punches.

They all got distracted and fought it out amongst each other.

"HEEEEEEY!" cried Galaxia. She wished she could pursue the escapees, but unfortunately she had become one with the stand.

"What about Grandpa?" asked Beryl to Kenji.

"Don't worry," said Grandpa. "That was just a decoy! Run faster!"

They leapt out of the courtroom window and stole a spaceship.

Just as they were boarding it, Jadeite came dashing towards them, followed by a mob of guards.

In a rare moment of compassion, Beryl put him in a bubble and warped him inside. She took off.

"Wow," said Beryl, flabbergasted. "That was a close one!"

Suddenly a loud blast hit their spaceship.

"What the-" began Kenji.

He turned to see Dr. Mizuno and Taiki on a spaceship that was hot on their tail.

"Damn!" said Kenji. "Good thing I took that piloting class instead of that lawyer class!"

He shoved Beryl off the controls. "I've got one shot at this!"

Kenji suddenly turned the ship sharply to the right.

Taiki did not turn in time, and he and Ami's mom plummeted into an asteroid belt, never to be seen again.

"Hooray!" said Beryl. "I live until Galaxia comes and raids the Earth! All because of my great lawyer, Kenji!"

But it was the Shitennou's turn to speak up.

"Actually," said Jadeite. "I think that was a because of me. I just wanted to watch the case, and I indirectly caused the riot that led to our escape!"

"Yes," agreed Nephrite, Kunzite, and Zoisite. "Jadeite was the hero of this story!"

Jadeite gushed.

"Wow," said Beryl. "I didn't think about it that way."

She tossed Jadeite a slug. "Don't ever embarrass me in public again!"

"D'ah," said Jadeite.

Beryl whipped out her whip and starting whipping them, Kenji and Grandpa included.

Melvin was hiding in the corner but he was spotted and also dragged into the slugging.

"And don't ever cause me to go to court again!" she howled.

"I didn't do anything!" cried Kenji.

"Oh well," said Beryl. "You're part of the crew now!"

"This is the happiest day of my life!" said Kenji as he was clobbered.

"Hmph," scoffed a voice. "You're as incompetent as your minions."

Beryl spun around and threw a whip. But it went right through the figure like it was a gas.

Metalia narrowed her huge eyes.

She disposed of Beryl.

"Kenji," she said. "You're the new Beryl!"

"Okey dokey!" said Kenji. "From this day fourth, Chad will be the new Queen Beryl, and I'll be the new Metalia-sama!"

"NOOOOO!" said Metalia fading away.

"Haha," said Chad. "I am Queen Beryl."

Galaxia appeared on the ship. "That's all I needed to hear."

She killed Chad and flew away into the sun.

"That was a close one," said Kenji.

FIN


	151. Nephrite Runs Again: Another Special

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"That's great," said Beryl, as she and the Shitennou walked into the Negaverse.

"Man, that took us a long time to get home from that trial," noted Nephrite. "What's today, anyway?"

Beryl pulled out her Android device.

"Yuck," said Nephrite. "I'm an Apple man myself."

"Do you want an eternal sleep?" asked Beryl.

Nephrite was upset but did not know how to express it.

"Wow, it's already New Years," said Beryl.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Jadeite. "We missed Christmas!"

"D'ah," said Beryl. "At least I'm not in space prison. And also if I recall from last year, I hate Christmas."

"D'ah," said Jed accepting his fate. "At least we get to celebrate New Year's! Barely though."

"D'ah," said Kunzite continuing the chain of d'ahs. "I was going to go really hardcore on Christmas to make up for not trick-or-treating this year! I had the white hair to be Santa Claus and everything!"

"Tell it to the New York Times!" said Nephrite.

"What? NO!" yelled Kunzite.

He was mad. He was livid.

He slugged Nephrite.

Nephrite was mad. Nephrite was livid.

He slugged Zoisite.

Zoisite was dead before he hit the ground.

Kunzite was charging up a hard slug, but Beryl stopped him.

"I'll put Metalia on that right away, no need for senseless violence."

"But… but I!" Kunzite was stumped.

Queen Beryl took her place on her throne. "As is tradition for New Years in these parts, we all have to come up with a New Year's res."

"Resolution?" asked Nephrite.

"Do you want an eternal sleep?" asked Beryl. "This is strike two."

"I guess not," said Neph.

"Ok good," said Beryl. "So Nephrite, what's your New Year's res?"

"Mine will be to not drink anymore!"

"Haha," said Zoisite walking out of Metalia's chambers.

"Welcome back, I missed you," said Kunzite.

"TY," said Zoisite. "As I was saying, haha. You try that one every year, but you're yet to pull it off!"

"This will be my year," vowed Nephrite. "Maybe I'll make it more than a day!"

"You say that every year," reminded Zoisite.

"Oh yeah?" sneered Nephrite. "Then what's your resolution?"

"I'm not making one this year," said Zoisite. "I'm perfect how I am."

"I agree," said Kunzite.

Jadeite was angry and he didn't know why. He threw a punch at Kunzite, but it did little damage.

Kunzite went to slug him for the attempt, but Beryl shot Jadeite down before he could.

Kunzite growled at her for stealing the kill.

"Kunzite, your resolution will be to make friends with Endymion," stated Beryl.

"Rats!" said Kunzite. "I hate that guy! How come they get to pick their own resolutions?"

"Because I have a feeling that in the end it's just going to be you and Endymion. You must learn to get along."

"Will getting along with me be his forced resolution as well?" Kunzite hoped.

"No," said Beryl. "His is to love me! I hope he does it this year!"

"I will not," said Endymion. "I will also not get along with Kunzite."

"Good luck," said Beryl to Kunzite. "You'll need it."

Jadeite surfaced from Metalia's chambers.

"Welcome back," said Kunzite.

"TY," said Jed. "My resolution," he began. "Is to high five every being in the Negaverse, every day!"

"Why?" asked Beryl.

Jadeite giggled. "You'll have to find out!"

He teleported away.

"Hmm," said Beryl.

"MY RESOLUTION!" howled Kenji, without being provoked by anyone. "Is to spend more father-son time with Shingo!"

"That's great," said Beryl. "Why don't you hop to that?"

"No," said Kenji. "I'll stick around and hear everyone's resolutions!"

"You already missed them," said Beryl sadly.

"D'ah," said Kenj. "But I'll spend time with Shingo later. I'm not feeling it right now."

"Alright," said Beryl. "Now that everyone has a resolution-"

"Zoisite doesn't!" reminded Nephrite.

"Damn you Nephrite!" cried Zoisite. "I almost slipped under the radar!"

"Well?" asked Beryl.

"Umm… I'll get back to you," said Zoisite. "I need to come up with one on my own that's clever and no one else did."

"Alright," said Beryl cautiously. "Don't think you'll get away with not doing one!"

"Kay," said Zoisite.

"Now then, my resolution," began Beryl. "Is…"

"To be nice?" suggested Kunzite.

Beryl laughed loudly. "I tried that one last year! That's not for me. Mine is to do ten jumping jacks every morning, and 14 push-ups! Followed by seven curl-ups. I'll be buff in no time!"

Nephrite nodded.

"Well then good luck," said Beryl teleporting them out of her room.

She opened up a bag of chips and turned to her favorite show, Toonzai's Dragon Ball Z Kai.

"Mmmmm," she said. "Blue Popo."

* * *

"Thetis my boy!" said Jed giddily.

"Jadeite, are you asking me out finally?" she wondered.

"No, I'm afraid," said Jadeite.

She teleported away.

"No, come back!" howled Jadeite. "I need you to high my five!"

* * *

Nephrite poured himself a glass of lemonade and sat on his patio.

Zoisite teleported over. "Mmm," said Zoisite. "Planning to poison the Sailor Scouts with lemonade?"

"Ye," barked Nephrite. "But no. I've given up drinking, so now I just drink fine lemonade."

"Mmm," said Zoisite. He spawned a glass of wine. "Yum!" he said, drinking a sip and spitting it out. "I feel so sorry for anyone who can't sip this terrible wine!"

"Don't you have a resolution to come with?" barked Nephrite.

"Shit!" said Zoisite. He fled.

Jadeite teleported in.

"Nephrite me boy!" he said.

"No way," said Nephrite.

"I didn't ask you anything," said Jed.

"Good, it better stay that way," warned Nephrite. "I'm not giving you a high five, Jed."

"Oh," said Jadeite. "Oh by the way, I have the five dollars I owe you!"

"Give it here," said Nephrite extending his hand.

Jadeite swatted it. "LOL!" he yelled teleporting away.

"You won't be able to keep this up all year!" howled Nephrite.

* * *

"Goodbye, Zoisite. I'm going to visit Endymion," said Kunzite.

"Ewwwww," cried Zoisite. "But he's such a bad guy! He is handsome though."

"Hey!" said Kunzite. "How come you're allowed to talk like that, but I'm not!"

"Say," said Zoisite changing the subject swiftly. "I still haven't thought of a resolution. I'm leaning towards eating whole grain pasta instead of white pasta, it's better for you."

"Yes," said Kunzite. "Good idea. If you're scared of a challenge."

"What was that?" asked Zoisite.

"Oh nothing," said Kunzite.

"I always follow through on my challenges!" stated Zoisite.

"Mmm," said Kunzite.

"I don't like that mmmmm!" exclaimed Zoisite.

"Mmm," said Kunzite.

Zoisite was getting upset but didn't know how to express it. "So how will you befriend Endymion anyway? That guy hates you."

"I'm not sure yet," said Kunzite. "But I'm quick-witted enough to think of something!"

"Mmm," said Zoisite.

"Yep, this will be a reaaaal challenge," continued Kunzite.

"Why are you provoking me?" asked Zoisite.

"D'ah, I don't know," said Kunzite. "I guess I'm just salty in general."

"About what?" asked Zoisite.

"I don't know," admitted Kunzite. "Maybe because Beryl forced me into this hard resolution while you get to eat cereal or whatever."

"Pasta!" yelled Zoisite.

"Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm," said Kunzite. He fled.

"Fine then!" shouted Zoisite. "Leave! I don't care!"

Zoisite was angry and was starting to know how to express it.

Jadeite appeared.

"Zoisite me boy!"

Zoisite threw a slug, but Jed was only minorly affected.

"High five," he said.

"Keep your greasy mitts away from me!" yelled Zoisite.

"I'm wearing gloves," explained Jed.

"That's what mitts are," said Zoisite thinking fast.

"No," said Jadeite. "Anyway, high five!"

"NO, I just said no!"

Jadeite knocked Zoisite to the floor and stole a high five.

"GET OFF ME!" cried Zoisite.

Jadeite fled.

Zoisite started to cry, everything was going bad this year.

"Kunzite thinks I'm afraid of a challenge, I'll show him! I guess he already has dibs on Endymio, so I'll befriend an even worse guy!"

* * *

Kenji was playing with his Bop It! which now had 20 new commands.

"Papa, can I have a turn?" begged Shingo.

"Not today, my boy," laughed Kenji.

"Twist it!" said the Bop It!

But instead Kenji turned it.

"Damn!" said Kenji.

Shingo was still standing there.

"Back off, ya mongrel!" yelled Kenji. Shingo fled.

Kenji started a new game.

"KENJIIII me boy!" said Jadeite. "I guess you're part of the Negacrew as of the most recent chapters, so Ima need your high five, my man!"

"Not today," said Kenji. "I'm spending more time with Shingo!"

"That's not Shingo!" said Jed. "That's the latest version of Bop It!"

"No, he's standing right next to me!" assured Kenji.

"That's not Shingo!" repeated Jadeite. "That's just a portrait of Shingo."

Kenji adjusted his glasses. "Would you look at that," he said.

"Slap it!" yelled the Bop It!"

Kenji slapped down, and Jed quickly inserted his hand.

"NO!" cried Kenji when he slapped Jadeite's hand but not the machine. His game ended.

Kenji burst into tears.

Jadeite let himself get sucked into a portal.

* * *

Kunzite appeared in Mamoru Chiba's apartment.

"Hey there, floating friend!" said Motoki.

"Oh no, it's you," groaned Kunzite. "Where's Endym- I mean, Chiba."

"Who?" asked Motoki. "Oh, you mean Mamo-kun! He's not here right now. I'm watering his plants for him."

Kunzite killed Motoki.

"Where is he then?" he asked Motoki's corpse.

"Oops," said Kunzite. "I did this in the wrong order."

Mamoru walked in.

"Kunzite? What do you want?" he demanded.

"I wanted to hang out," lied Kunzite.

"Eww, no," said Mamoru. "I heard you use humans to do your dirty work! Heh heh."

Kunzite chuckled. "Nah, nah. Those are just rumors. I actually took on the Sailor Scouts on my own on multiple occasions."

"Was that after Zoisite died?" asked Mamo-chan.

Kunzite was mad. "If I recall, you died a couple times as well!"

"Oh yeah, just another reason to not hang out with you!" shouted Mamoru, also mad. "I don't like the way you bad guys are deceitful!"

Kunzite threw a punch, and Mamoru was tossed out of commission.

* * *

Two weeks later, Mamoru woke up.

"Where… am I?"

"Hello, friend!" said Kunzite.

They were sitting on Kunzite's sofa.

"Hey, what is this, the Negaverse?! Get me outta here!"

Mamoru Chiba ran for the door, but Kunzite appeared in his way.

"NO! MOVE!" yelled Mamoru.

He leapt out the window, but Kunzite grabbed his foot.

"Come on pal, no need for the theatrics."

Mamoru bit Kunzite's hand and leapt into the void.

Kunzite reeled him in.

Mamoru started throwing punches. Kunzite had to put him down again.

He woke up ten minutes later, and went right for the door.

"Heeeey!" yelled Kunzite, who had been cooking pancakes.

He intercepted Mamoru, and tackled him to the ground.

Mamoru threw a kick Kunzite's way, angering the beast.

"All I want is to spend some quality time together!" shouted Kunzite. "We did it in the Silver Millennium, probably!"

"NEEEEEVEEEER!" shouted Mamoru.

He leapt up and charged the window again.

But Kunzite had locked it this time.

Mamoru smashed it open with his fist and leapt out.

"I give up," said Kunzite.

"Wait, hold on a minute!" said Mamoru.

He fell into the void and died.

"Rats," said Kunzite. "Well, at least I won't be the only one unable to do my resolution! Endymion can't love Beryl now! Hahaha!"

"Kunzite my man!" yelled Jadeite, teleporting in. "HIGH FIVE!"

Kunzite shrugged. "Sure."

"Wow, really?" asked Jadeite in shock.

"Hurry up before I change my mind," said Kunzite.

Jadeite high fived him. He giggled and fled.

"Don't ever change," said Kunzite.

He sat down on his sofa and turned on Toonzai Dragon Ball Z Kai.

"Mmm, spirit blast."

* * *

Nephrite walked down the street, but all he saw was bars.

"Come on," he told himself. "I've made it two whole weeks, that's the most in my life! I can do this! I can do this!"

A devil Nephrite appeared on his shoulder. "No you can't lol," it said.

"Stop that!" howled Nephrite, picking up his pace. "Shouldn't there be an angel giving me reassurance?"

"Hidy ho!" said Melvin, appearing with a halo on Nephrite's other shoulder. "I believe in you, buddy boy!"

"AHHH!" screamed Nephrite. He clobbered angel Melvin and he was no more.

"Heh heh," said devil Nephrite. "Now that Melvin's dead, you might as well have a drink."

"Okay," said Nephrite. "Wait, no!"

Zoisite appeared behind him. "Time to make friends with my old nemesis Nephrite," he thought.

"Hey, Nephrite!"

Nephrite looked over at the liquor store. He took off running.

"HEY!" cried Zoisite. He took off after him.

Nephrite dashed down the street. "no no no no No No NO NO!"

He ran out into the middle of a four-way intersection.

Zoisite was hot on his tail. "Nephrite, let's be friends!" he shouted.

Nephrite turned around. "Huh?"

The light turned green, and Nephrite leapt into the air.

Zoisite wasn't so lucky, and met with a terrible fate.

"Haha," said Nephrite. Before he even thought about it, he pulled out a glass of champagne and drank it. "Here's to Zoisite being dead!"

He looked at the glass.

"NO!" he bellowed. "Oh well, now that that's over with…"

He flew into every bar in Tokyo at rapid speeds and passed out in the middle of the street.

Nephrite was found dead two days later.

* * *

Beryl woke up and put on her slippers.

"Another day another bag of chips!" she said, starting to get a little bit chunky.

She flipped to the channel of For Kids, and was about to watch the finale of Dragon Ball Z Kai Toonzai.

"I hope he uses the spirit blast!" she said giddily. "Hey, I wonder if any of the Shitennou followed through with their resolutions."

Then it hit her. "OOO! NOOO!" she howled. "I forgot my exercises! I was just too caught up with Toonzai's Dragon Ball Z Kai!"

She was mad and was just waiting for a way to express it.

"QUEEEEEN BERYL!" howled Jadeite. "I slightly modified my resolution to only getting everyone's high fives once a month. However, it's time to get yours!"

Queen Beryl blasted Jadeite to bits, and then blasted the bits to pieces.

She decided to leave it at that.

Kunzite came into her room. "Mamoru's dead," he said with little remorse. "Also I haven't seen Zoisite in a while, I hope that whole wheat pasta wasn't too much for the poor guy."

"Hmm," said Beryl. "Go head down to Metalia, you know the drill."

"Kay," he said.

"Metalia-sama," began Kunzite. "You know the drill," he repeated.

"About that," said Metalia sadly. "My resolution for this year was to not revive anyone."

"What? NO!" yelled Kunzite.

He threw himself off a bridge. "Wait a second," he thought.

He died.

FIN


	152. The Heist

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Actually Jadeite, I have a mission for you."

Jadeite gasped and fell to the floor. "A... a mission? I haven't had one of those since the Silver Millennium! I remember it like it was yesterday. You told me and the other Shitennou to take out Queen Serenity, and you said it was a very important mission! I don't recall what happened next, but I know I respawned a thousand years later, so I don't think I succeeded."

Smoke was coming out of Beryl's ears.

"Beryl, are you okay?" asked Jadeite. "What's my mission?"

Queen Beryl rubbed her head. "Your mission is to steal the Imperium Silver Crystal from the Tokyo Museum of Art!"

Jadeite gasped again and stood up. "You mean the Silver Imperium Crystal is in a museum?!"

"Well… I'm not quite sure if it's the crystal we're after or not, but it is silver, and it is imperial, which are the two requirements."

"You can count on me, professor!" promised Jadeite.

"Wait, Jadeite-" began Beryl, but he was gone.

* * *

Jadeite pranced into the museum at night hours.

There were two guards blocking the door.

"Outta my way!" yelled Jadeite. He made a sort of J-shape with his arms and they fell asleep.

"That's a useful attack," he said to himself.

He pranced up to the crystal and smashed open the glass.

The alarm was triggered, and the floor dropped out from under him, dropping him in a pit of sharks.

He tried to fly out but the door closed.

He hovered above the shark tank for eight hours until he ran out of energy and dropped like a stone.

He was severely eaten and barely teleported out with his life.

Jadeite limped towards his room to throw in the towel for the night.

Nephrite was camping the soda machine, waiting for someone to come and refill it. "Where is that guy that refills it?" he wondered.

Suddenly Jadeite walked by, and Nephrite noticed that he looked like a puzzle that was missing several pieces.

"Jed, didn't you used to have limbs?" he asked concerned.

Jadeite turned to answer, but passed out.

"Drat," said Nephrite.

He was going to help Jed to his space, but he had to camp the soda machine.

A couple hours later Jadeite came to and was still in the same spot he had passed out.

"Welcome back," said Nephrite. "He should be here any minute!"

"Who?" asked Jed.

"Nevermind," barked Nephrite. "Leave me alone!"

Jadeite continued to his room and sat down on his thinking chair.

He thought and he thought and he thought. "How will I get that crystal? I can't do this alone!"

Jadeite pulled out his black notepad of phone numbers. "It's time to bring back the dream team."

* * *

Jadeite entered Crown Arcade in an overcoat with sunglasses.

He sat down at his table alone.

Sitting alone at the table across from him was none other than Rei's grandpa.

The rest of the team was gathered in different booths.

Without turning to any of them, Jed made a gesture with two of his fingers. He then nodded.

Grandpa nodded back.

"We'll meet at 2 o'clock then," said Grandpa.

They all went their separate ways.

* * *

It was 2 am, and they gathered in a circle on the roof of the museum and examined Jed's blue prints.

"How'd you get that?" asked Melvin.

"I drew them from memory. They might not be to scale."

"Well," began Diana the baby cat. "I think we should form a-"

"Can it," said Jadeite. He backhanded her and she was crippled. Jadeite knew this would be no good, since he needed her expertise, so he healed her.

"Woah, nice ability," commented Diana.

Jed backhanded her but didn't revive her this time.

"We all need codenames," he stated.

"OOOO, I know mine!" volunteered Melvin.

"NO!" shouted Jadeite. "I make the codenames. Alright, Grandpa. You'll be 'Young One.' Melvin. You'll be 'Nerd Boy.' Diana, we'll call you 'Mittens.' Now Motoki. For you it'll just be 'Motoki.'"

"Aww man," said Motoki sadly.

"Motoki's sis. You'll be 'Papa Bear.' Shingo. You'll be 'Aluminum Siren.' And last, but certainly not least, Taiki's forehead. We'll call you 'T-Head.'"

"What about you?" asked Melvin.

"I'll be Jadeito-sama," explained Jadeite.

"Why are you adding an 'o' at the end?" asked Shingo. "Are you retarded?"

"Do you want a face full of fist?" asked Jed.

"I'll call Kenji on you!" threatened Shingo.

"Ooo, you're scarin' me!" mocked Jadeite. "However, I know that Kenji is playing cards with Beryl and Kunzite right now, maybe even Prince Endarien."

"Endarien?" asked Shingo. "Make up your mind if this is sub or dub!"

"Can it, Sammy!" warned Jadeite. "Now, here's the plan."

Jadeite explained the plan.

"Good plan," commented Grandpa.

"Thanks," said Jadeite. "Now that you all understand, here's your walkie talkies."

"How come we're not getting any?" asked Motoki.

"You won't need them," promised Jed. "It would just be a waste to give you some, considering your roll."

Motoki didn't like the sound of this, but was too shy to speak up.

* * *

Motoki, Motoki's sister, Shingo, and Taiki's forehead all walked through the front door and pulled out their guns.

"Alright guys, we don't want to trigger any alarms, so watch out for the red lines!" explained Motoki.

Once they had reached the center of the museum, Jadeite pulled the fire alarm, and the security guards quickly showed up and caught the four bandits red-handed.

"What?!" cried Shingo. "We were set up!"

"Why'd you do that, Jadeite?" asked Grandpa.

"That's Jadeito-sama, Young One," reminded Jadeite. "And they were the decoys. The museum will send the whole staff after them once I use my powers to send a stray bullet flying, and that's when we'll make our move!"

"Good idea," said Grandpa, pulling his ski mask over his face.

Jadeite threw his stray bullet, and the security guards panicked and started throwing blows.

"No!" cried Motoki's sister. "We'll go to jail willingly!"

"It's too late for that, Papa Bear," said Motoki. He threw a wild right hook at the guards, taking one out.

But three others took his place, and tackled down Motoki to the floor.

"Onii-chan!" yelled Motoki's sister. Motoki's sister got slugged in the chops, and then she threw herself at the guards as self-defense.

But they got her in a full nelson, and one of them threw punches at her exposed torso.

She died.

"Papa Bear down!" yelled Jadeite, who was in there watching.

Shingo knew this was goodbye, and tried to escape. He was light and small, so he boosted his speed stat and zipped under the guards' legs.

But as he was sliding under one of their legs, they closed their legs right on his neck, and pile-drove him into the ground. They pummeled him into the floor.

T-Head observed his surroundings. He saw that Motoki was still fighting, but he was fighting a losing battle, and was receiving punches from all angles.

"THIS IS FOR KAKYUU!" howled T-Head. He charged into the pack, knowing that this was a suicide move. He threw a head-butt taking out ten guards, and then took his own life.

The guards quickly finished Motoki soon after.

"Well that's the end of that," said Jadeite. He put all the guards to sleep.

"Alright, time to get that crystal!"

Diana was sobbing. "Why did you let them all die?"

"They were the diversion," explained Jadeite.

"Where's Nerd Boy?" asked Grandpa.

"He's currently hacking into the security software from a van outside," said Jadeite. "The defenses should be off in no time."

Suddenly Diana's walkie talkie went off. "Nerd Boy to Mittens! Over!"

"Nerd Boy?" asked Diana. "Is that you?"

"Yes," said Melvin. "I have succeeded."

"Good job," said Diana.

"Now, I just need to-"

There was tap on Melvin's window. He rolled it down.

"Excuse me sir, why are you in this empty parking lot in a strange van at 2am?"

Melvin knew he was done for, and threw himself into the technology box, causing it to explode.

"Sir, what was that?" asked the cop.

Melvin opened the back door and made a run for it.

However, Melvin was not the fittest kid in school, and was quickly tackled down.

"HEEEELP!" yelled Melvin into the walkie talkie.

All Jadeite could hear was rustling and Melvin's shrieks. Then it went silent.

"It seems one of ours has been captured," said Jadeite sadly. "Nerd Boy will be missed. Now then, we have to get rid of the security cameras ourselves, since Nerd Boy suffered a premature death before he could disable them."

"Leave it to me!" said Diana the Specialist.

"Okay Mittens, give it a go," decided Jadeite.

Diana leapt into Grandpa's palm, and he tossed her up to the first security camera.

She nibbled down the wire until it was no more.

"Good work!" said Jed.

Diana swung from the gnawed cord to the next one, and soon had taken down all the cameras.

"Well done," commended Jadeite.

They entered the room with the crystal.

"Young One, guard the door in case any stray guards enter," said Jadeite.

Grandpa nodded.

"Now listen Mittens. If we lift the glass, an alarm will sound. That's why we need to dig down from the ceiling and saw a hole in the top of the case. Then we reach in and snatch it!"

"Got it!" said Diana.

Jadeite threw a grappling hook, and then sawed a hole into the ceiling and climbed up. He sawed another one above the crystal, and lowered himself slowly on a rope.

He took out his laser pen, and made a perfect circle in the glass. No alarms went off, and the trap door did not open.

"Go on in, Mittens!"

Diana skittered down the rope Jed was dangling from, and leapt in the box.

She tried to fit the crystal in her mouth but it was too big.

She got it between her two back paws, and then climbed back up the rope.

"Wowee!" said Jed. "This actually worked! Wait a minute, if Mittens is there, and Young One's over there, and Nerd Boy's dead, then who's holding the rope?!"

Jadeite fell on top of the crystal exhibit, shattering the glass and setting off a thousand alarms. The floor dropped out all around the crystal's case, but Jadeite made a wild leap from the case to the other side of the room.

A steel wall started to drop in front of the door. Jadeite knew he could never make it out in time. "NO!" he cried. "WE WERE SO CLOSE!"

That's when Young One ripped off his shirt and flexed his muscles.

As the steel wall was falling, Grandpa lifted his arms and held it up.

He was starting to sweat. "I can't hold this up forever."

Jed slid under the door with no injuries.

Grandpa threw the door up and leapt out, however it cut off the bottom of his shoe when it slammed shut.

"NO!" he yelled. "That was a new pair!"

"Wait a minute," realized Jadeite. "I can teleport!"

"Sweet!" exclaimed Diana. "Here's the crystal, teleport us all out!"

"I'm sorry but I don't have enough energy left to teleport both of you. I can only take one."

Jadeite placed his hand on Grandpa's shiny bulbous noggin.

"WHAT?!" cried Diana. "But I'm so little! Surely it couldn't cost that much energy to teleport me!"

"Sorry but my hands are tied," said Jadeite sadly.

He threw Diana across the room and teleported away.

Diana was soon discovered and imprisoned in a bottle.

* * *

"QUEEN BERYL!" howled Jadeite, appearing with Grandpa.

"Oh hey Grandpa," said Kenji.

Grandpa hissed at him.

As Jadeite suspected, Beryl was still in the middle of her card game with Kenji and Prince Endarien.

"Huh, no Kunzite?" asked Jed.

"No," said Beryl. "He doesn't like my circle of friends so I didn't invite him."

"Ah," said Jadeite. "Anyway I got the Silver Crystal!"

"HOT DAWGY!" yelled Beryl. She took out a kaleidoscope and looked through it at the crystal.

"Mmm, pretty colors," she said. "But this crystal is just a huge diamond. No magic whatsoever."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" howled Jadeite. He was okay in a few seconds.

"At least we got to get the team together one last time!" said Jadeite with a smile. "Because I don't think they're gonna wanna join me next time."

"They will," stated Grandpa, patting him on the shoulder. "The mission was a success, and at the end of the day, that's all they really wanted."

"I agree," said Jadeite.

Beryl dealt him and Grandpa a hand of cards.

Zoisite appeared suddenly.

Everyone turned to him.

"Hey guys," he said awkwardly. "I came here to get one line in this chapter, but I don't really remember what I was going to say."

FIN


	153. Neph Gives Jadeite His House

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Who's there?" asked Beryl. Her throne was facing the other direction.

Jadeite wasn't sure what to do. "It's me, Jadeite," he said.

"Ah, Jadeite! Come in," said Beryl.

"Are you… feeling okay?" he asked.

Beryl didn't reply.

"Queen-"

"Who's there?" demanded Beryl.

Jadeite decided it would be in his best interest to slowly back away and leave the room.

Ten minutes later, Kunzite entered the room.

"Queen Beryl!"

"Who's there?" asked Beryl.

"It's me, Kunzite. Why are you facing backwards?"

"It's a long story," sighed Beryl. "Could you turn me around? I've been sitting like this all day!"

"Uh… sure," said Kunzite, spinning her around.

"OUCH!" yelled Kunzite.

"What?" demanded Beryl.

"I think I threw my back out moving this huge stone throne with you in it!"

"Drat," said Beryl. "I needed you to move some heavy boxes for me!"

"Well my hands are tied," said Kunzite sadly. "If you don't mind, I'm gonna go to the hospital now."

"Have fun," said Beryl.

She was upset but didn't know how to express it.

* * *

Jadeite passed Nephrite at the soda machine.

"Damn thing won't take my money!" yelled Nephrite.

"Nephrite, don't you have a house?" recalled Jadeite.

"No, I live here now," explained Nephrite. "I've decided it's too long of a walk from Earth to this particular soda machine, so I'm renting out this room right here."

"But that's my room?" said Jadeite.

"Not anymore, pal," barked Nephrite. "I left your things outside."

Jadeite found a box sitting at the door. He opened it up and there was nothing inside.

"Thanks bud," he said. "Can I have your house?"

"Sure, I don't care," said Nephrite. "Say, I'll trade you this bill for a crisper one!"

But Jadeite was already gone.

* * *

"Wowee!" he said stepping foot in Nephrite's mansion. "This place is huge! And not just an empty space! Look, there's even furniture!"

Suddenly, he found himself face to face with the stars.

"Hello," said Jadeite awkwardly. "I didn't know Nephrite had a roommate."

The stars sighed.

"Jadeite?" asked Zoisite in shock from the couch. "Why are you here?"

"Nephrite gave me his house," Jadeite explained. "He moved into my space."

"NO!" cried Zoisite. "Now I'm going to have to go live in your space!"

"Why?" asked Jadeite. "Don't you have your own house?"

Zoisite shook his head. "You have a lot to learn. Nephrite's gonna be spooked when he sees me!"

Zoisite left.

Jed was lonely. "This house is too big for just me. Time to find some roommates that aren't stars!"

"Watch it," said the stars.

* * *

"Whelp, that about does it," said Jadeite after putting his flyer on every street post in Tokyo. "Who won't want to live in this mansion with me for free?"

Jadeite got home, but no one was there.

He waited.

Finally there was a knock on his door.

He opened it, but it was only the wind.

"NO!" howled Jadeite. "This can't be happening!"

There was another knock.

"If this is the wind I'm hanging myself," he declared.

It was the wind, but there was a knock on the back door.

"I mean it this time," he said answering the back door.

"Heya!" said Makoto.

"Who are you?" asked Jadeite.

"Just a gal looking for a room."

"Oh," said Jed. "No offense, but I was looking for someone more interesting. You know, like a Melvin or a Grandpa. I'd even settle for Kenji."

"The feeling's mutual, pal," said Makoto. "Just be lucky I'm not Motoki or his sister. Now those are two boring people."

Jadeite laughed. "Hey, you're okay!"

"Watch it," said Makoto barging in. "Wowee, this place is huge! I call dibs on the sofa!"

"Okay," said Jadeite. "I wasn't going to call it anyway. We have many beds."

Makoto threw herself on the sofa. "I can get used to this! You said the rent was free?"

"Yes," said Jed. "But actually on the poster I said personality was required."

"I have loads of personality!" argued Makoto. "I cook and fight! But I've retired from fighting after Yaten beat me in his base form."

"I don't know who that is," said Jadeite. "But that's good enough for me! You should cook us some lunch!"

"As if," barked Makoto.

Jadeite was just lucky that this wasn't the manga or Crystal where no one had personality, especially not him who only lasted two pages/three episodes.

He sat down on Nephrite's throne that he had only used once. "Hmmm," pondered Jed. "We should hang a poster over that window there. That stained glass is starting to give me a headache. Why are there so many colors?!"

"Are you sure? I kind of like it," said Mako-chan.

"Do you have to argue with everything I say?" asked Jadeite starting to get mad.

"Haha, you're funny," laughed Makoto.

Jadeite had never experienced anything like this and was starting to get infuriated.

There was another knock.

"OH BOY OH BOY!" howled Jed. "This rom-com is piecing itself together perfectly!"

But when it was another stale character, Jadeite sighed.

"I'm Hotaru Tomoe!" said 12 year old Hotaru. "I need to get away from my Pa, because I think he's abusive and being controlled by an evil blob. And that Kaorinite… something's off about her! Also I don't like passing out for hours and then when I wake up people are mad at me! In addition, I'm extremely weak all the time, and I have healing powers but only once."

Jadeite sighed again. "Such a boring character. You can have one of the upstairs bedrooms."

"Hey Jed-kun!" called Makoto.

"Watch it," said Jed. "I'll only settle for -sama or -san!"

"Ok Jed-kun-sama!" said Makoto. "I'm doing the laundry, give me your clothes."

"Huh?" said Jed. "I just put this outfit on this morning. There's no need."

"Yes there is!" howled Makoto. "Gimme your clothes, if I'm going to run the washing machine I'm going to make sure it's worth my time!"

"Then don't run the washing machine," suggested Jed.

Makoto shook her head. "Take off your shirt."

"This isn't a shirt," said Jed. "It's my jacket. Jacket I tell you!"

"Then take it off," demanded Makoto.

"No!" yelled Jed. "There's nothing under it! I didn't ask you to do any of the chores! And you're not even being funny about it!"

Makoto ripped his uniform off leaving him in his underpants and undershirt.

"Liar," barked Makoto, taking his undershirt.

Jadeite sighed and put on a new outfit. "That accomplished nothing, you're just wasting soap!"

But Makoto was gone.

Jed decided it was time to get in some roommate antics.

He went up to Hotaru's bedroom.

"I'll try to make something ecchi happen. Hmm, maybe I'll walk in on her changing or something! That is one of the highlights of living with only girls."

He walked into Hotaru's room, but she was just sleeping in the middle of the day.

"Drat," said Jadeite. "This isn't how this genre's supposed to work! It has the perfect set-up and everything! One man, living with two girls! Something wrong's gotta happen, or at least something funny!"

Jadeite stomped his foot. "Darn it, but the main cast isn't even interesting! One of the musts of this genre is goofy main protagonists with lots of colorful personality!"

There was another knock on the door.

Jadeite dashed over. "Minako-chan!?" he yelled hopefully.

"Hello," said someone with purple hair.

Jed looked down.

It was none other than Chibi-usa's friend, Momoko.

A chill went down Jadeite's spine, but he wasn't sure why and chose to ignore it.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"I'm Chibi-usa's friend, Momoko! I may look like a little girl, but I'm 18!"

"18 you say," considered Jadeite. "Phew! At least one of the requirements, the loli character, is here!"

"I don't know what that means," said Momoko. "I'm going out to train."

"Train for what?" asked Jadeite.

"To jump the vaulting horse," answered Momoko. She was off.

"How boring," sighed Jadeite. "Whelp, that's a third roommate. We only need one more till the harem's complete! Hopefully the next one will have enough personality to cover for the rest!"

"HI!" said a lady approaching. "Are you the guy looking for roommates?"

"Why yes," said Jadeite. "Who are you?"

"I'm Ms. Haruna, a teacher at the local middle school."

"Oh no," said Jed, shaking his head. "You're way too old, you gotta go!"

"What was that?!" demanded Haruna.

"You wouldn't fit in here," stated Jed. "Goodbye!"

Ms. Haruna was furious. She backhanded Jadeite and left.

"Phew," said Jadeite. "I dodged a bullet. Her appearance wouldn't have worked with the intended the audience."

Jadeite started to walk back inside, but someone tapped his shoulder.

"Hey!" they said.

"A guy?!" asked Jadeite in shock and horror. "No no no no no! This will never do!"

"Uhh… were you the guy looking for roommates?"

"No," said Jadeite. "You're looking for the other creepy mansion on a hill."

"Really? This was the only one I saw!"

"Sorry, I have to go," said Jadeite. "My all-female roommate cast is up to some wacky antics!"

The guy looked past Jeddy inside the house. All he saw was Makoto laying on the sofa reading a magazine.

"Oh, haha, I get it! You're a jokester! This will be a fun summer! I'm Tim, by the way!"

"That's not a Japanese name," stated Jadeite.

"Haha, yep!"

Tim let himself in.

Jadeite hung his head. "I give up," he groaned.

But it was too late to turn back now. He could still turn this into a good anime, or at least a hidden gem.

"So, Tim, Makoto," began Jadeite. "Are you two both single?"

"I am!" howled Makoto. "And Tim is looking fine!"

"Oh, haha!" laughed Tim. "This is awkward. I'm actually not looking for a relationship right now!"

"Why not?" challenged Makoto.

"I just had a bad break-up," said Tim. "Not ready to get back in the field yet."

"That's not funny," said Jadeite.

"Yeah, it was pretty rough," agreed Tim. "Say, can I do laundry?"

"Oooh, sorry!" said Makoto. "I just put the wash in. You can use the machine when I'm done!"

"Oh, haha," said Tim. "Nah, I don't have enough dirty clothes to do a wash of just my things. I was hoping someone else had some dirty clothes. I guess I'll do the wash in a couple days then."

Jadeite was starting to get furious. "Can you guys stop being unfunny?" he demanded. "And Makoto, would it kill you to wear less clothes?!"

"Huh?" asked Makoto. "I don't know what you mean?"

"I'm saying you should walk around in your underwear!" exclaimed Jed. "And I should wake up with you in my bed!"

"Eww, no!" laughed Makoto.

"I'll walk around in my underwear," offered Tim.

"NO!" yelled Jadeite. "What are you, gay? You'd turn people off to this anime right away!"

"Why do you keep talking like that?" asked Makoto.

"I'm not gay," said Tim.

"Damn!" said Jadeite. "That might have brought in at least the gay audience!"

Jed decided to take another crack at Hotaru.

"Hey, wake up," he demanded.

Hotaru did not stir.

Jadeite was so fed up that he picked Hotaru up and dragged her into his bed and then laid down next to her.

He waited four hours, and Hotaru stirred.

"Hmm…?" she asked.

Jadeite pretended to wake up. "HEY!" he cried. "Why are you in my bed?!"

"I don't know," said Hotaru. "Why did you put me in your bed, and then ask why I'm in your bed?"

"No, no, no, NO!" shouted Jadeite. "You must have wandered into my bed during your sleep!"

"No," stated Hotaru. "I've never sleep walked in my life."

She got up and went back to her room.

"AHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Jadeite. "Hmm, maybe Makoto and Tim have started to crush on each other, since they've been living together for a while now!"

He went downstairs.

Makoto was eating cereal at the kitchen table. Tim was watching TV.

"AHHHHHH!" screamed Jadeite. "Where's that other girl?

"She's at dance practice," answered Makoto. "She's a pretty busy gal!"

"This. Won't. DOOO!" shouted Jadeite. "AHHHHH! AHHHHHHHH!"

"Hey, could you keep it down?" asked Tim. "I'm trying to watch sports, haha."

Jadeite ran up and socked Tim.

"Yo, what the heck?" demanded Tim.

"I don't want to share a room with a guy!" shouted Jed. "At first I just wanted wacky roommates, like Grandpa and Melvin, but when boring Matokoko showed up-"

"It's Makoto!" yelled Makoto.

"WHATEVER!" shouted Jadeite. "DO YOU THINK IT MAKES A DIFFERENCE?! YOU'RE BORING! BUT AT LEAST YOU'RE A FEMALE! So I thought we could at least have a rom-com here with a slight tint of ecchi, but so far nothing's happened!"

"If I could butt in," began Tim.

Jed socked Tim again. "I'M LEAVING!"

Jadeite walked out into the driveway and screamed incoherently.

"Wow," said Makoto. "So Tim, want some popcorn?"

"Sorry," said Tim. "I can't eat anything with kernels."

"Well when it's popped, they don't have kernels," said Makoto.

"Haha," said Tim. "No thanks though."

"Hmm," said Makoto.

* * *

Jadeite appeared at the soda machine. But Nephrite wasn't there.

"What's going on?" he wondered.

He went for the only other place he could find Nephrite, and went into Beryl's throne room.

She was facing the wrong way again, but no Nephrite. Jeddy made like a badger and left.

He sat down in the nega-café to think over how to revive his harem.

"Jadeite, just the man I was looking for!" said Nephrite.

"NEPHRITE!" yelled Jadeite. "You gotta take your house back!"

"That's just what I was gonna talk to you about," said Nephrite. "Your space… how can I put this? It's just an empty space. I can never do with that. And I can't get into contact with the stars there, for some reason. Take your space back, please!"

"YEEEEEEEEEEES!" howled Jadeite. "Home sweet home!"

He dashed back into his space.

"Oh hey Zoisite. Nephrite moved out again."

"Ah," said Zoisite. "There's nothing to do here waiting for him. No sofa, or TV. You should go furniture shopping sometime."

"Thanks for the suggestion," said Jed.

"Anyway," said Zoisite. "I think I'm gonna go check on Kunzite in the hospital."

"Good idea," said Jed.

Zoisite left and Jed laid down on the floor.

"I guess harems and rom-coms aren't for me," stated Jadeite. "I like it better this way."

* * *

Nephrite came home.

"Mmmm, furniture," he said happily.

That's when he spotted another man in his house.

"Get out," stated Nephrite.

"Haha, okay," said Tim.

Tim left.

Makoto came out of the shower with a towel wrapped around her. She was so shocked to see a hunkster like Nephrite that she accidentally dropped her towel to the floor, revealing herself.

"WOAAH!" said Nephrite. "Hot dog!"

"Don't hot dog me!" yelled Makoto, blushing wildly. "You didn't, like… look at me… right?!"

"I did," said Nephrite.

Makoto's face was pink. "Did you like what you saw?"

"Get out of my house," said Nephrite.

Makoto headed for the door.

Hotaru came out of her room and headed down the stairs. She tripped, and fell face-first into Makoto's nude chest.

"AHHH!" cried Makoto.

"Woah!" said Hotaru.

"Hotaru, why are you nude?" asked Makoto.

"I could ask you the same thing!" yelled Hotaru.

"Ahh!" cried Makoto. "I must have dropped my towel again!"

Momoko came in from her dance class.

"That class went terrible!" she cried. "I ripped my uniform while dancing and it totally got torn to shreds! I had to walk home naked!"

"AHH!" yelled Nephrite. "How old are you?!"

"18," said Momoko.

"Oh, good," said Nephrite. "Even though you have the appearance of an 8 year old, I'm not a pedo cause you said you're 18!"

Zoisite appeared then, but his face remained unchanged.

"Yuck, what's going on here? Nephrite, why are there three nude girls in your house?"

"I don't know," admitted Nephrite. "But I don't think I mind."

"Hmm," said Zoisite angrily. "This is distracting. Good thing I'm gay."

"It's too bad Jadeite moved out," mused Nephrite. "This is the perfect harem rom-com anime with a slight tint of ecchi."

"Bad genre," stated Zoisite. "I'm more into mechas myself."

"That's not a genre," stated Nephrite.

"KissAnime disagrees," said Zoisite.

"What's that?" asked Nephrite.

Zoisite gasped. "Prepare to have your life changed."

* * *

"Queen Beryl!" yelled a voice.

"Who are you?" yelled Beryl. "Can someone please turn me back?!"

"Sure," said Tim. He started to push her stone throne that was connected to the ceiling.

"AHH! My back!" yelled Tim.

"Who the hell are you?" demanded Beryl.

"Haha," said Tim, dying. "I'm gonna go to the hospital."

He limped out of Queen Beryl's throne room.

Kunzite awoke from his slumber in the hospital.

"I remember when I used to be the center of stories," he said sadly.

"Hey, you and me both pal," said Tim. "Haha."

FIN


	154. Kunzite Is Acting a Wee Bit Odd

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Jadeite," said Beryl.

Jadeite put his hands up defensively.

"Where's Kunzite been? I haven't seen him in many chapters," Beryl demanded.

"What's wrong with Jed chapters?" asked Jed.

"Queen Beryl!" demanded Zoisite entering the room. "If I could be so bold, I think it's time for a Zoisite chapter."

"Ewww, no," said Beryl. "That sounds gay. I remember your last chapter, you gave me my Crystal Ball painted silver and told me it was the Silver Imperial Crystal."

"That was many chapters ago," said Zoisite. "Just give me another chance, m'queen. And I think I've had other chapters since then."

"No I don't think so," said Beryl. "That's the only chapter that stands out when I think Zoisite chapter."

"What about the one where I dined and dashed? That was a good one," admitted Zoisite.

"Yes," agreed Beryl. "But too many good ones in a row will make Jadeite chapters ten times worse."

"But Queen Beryl," pleaded Zoisite.

"Silence," said Beryl. "Where's Kunzite?"

"He said he would be here in a-"

"I'm here," said Kunzite, prancing in. "My, what a beautiful day! WAHOOOOOOOOO! Good morning, Jadeite! How are you doing?!"

Jadeite gushed. "I'm doing well, thanks for asking."

"ZOISITE, MY LOVE!"

He ran up and gave Zoisite a peck on the cheek.

Zoisite giggled like a schoolgirl. "Not in front of Queen Beryl!" he insisted giddily.

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Kunzite. "Have you lost weight?"

"Kunzite why are you sucking up to me?" asked Beryl. "Did you kill Mamoru Chiba?"

"Ah, Mamoru Chiba!" recalled Kunzite. "Where's that guy been, anyway? He's my best friend!"

"Hmm," thought Beryl. "Something is amiss." But she couldn't express it and let it go.

"Say Kunzite, since you're in such a good mood, why not take a crack at getting the Silver Crystal?"

"I'll go hypnotize some humans for you!" offered Zoisite.

"What?" asked Kunzite in shock. "Why would I use humans to do my dirty work? I'll take on all the sailors without ten episodes of filler! Hoo ha!"

He teleported away in a blaze of flashing lights and colors.

"Oooooh," said Jadeite. "Where'd he learned that one?"

Zoisite was dazed. "I'm not sure."

Beryl still had a nagging feeling, so she brought up Kunzite on her crystal ball. "Let's see what he's really up to. I bet he's recruiting humans right now!"

However he was not.

He socked Sailor Mercury straight in the chops, and then kneed her in the stomach. He picked her up and bent her like a twig. He threw her remains at the other Sailor Scouts.

"You monster!" howled Makoto.

Kunzite summoned his twin blades of fury. He charged the Sailors on foot.

He threw the blades and Sailor Moon deflected them with the Moon Wand. But he was already behind her, and delivered a swift karate chop to her pressure points taking her out.

The rest of the Sailor Scouts fled for the hills.

Kunzite exploded the hills and they were no more.

He picked the Silver Crystal up off Sailor Moon's brutally bashed corpse and put it on a string around his neck.

"Mmm," he said, appearing before Beryl.

"Queen Beryl, I-"

"I saw!" exclaimed Beryl. "But what was that, Kunzite?! There was no filler or convoluted schemes to be found! And you hardly used any energy-based attacks!"

"It was amazing!" said Zoisite. "I love to see a man who fights with his fists!"

Nephrite walked in, punching open the door.

"I heard Kunzite has been competent, and I don't like it one bit. I'm the only one who fights with my fists here!"

Kunzite socked Nephrite in the chops, toppling him.

"Wow, you're so rash!" exclaimed Zoisite. "And short-tempered!"

Zoisite threw himself at Kunzite.

"I remember when you used to be mild and wouldn't just kill Nephrite right away. And you didn't even care when Beryl killed me! But now you're a new man!"

"Now that's not true," said Kunzite. "I would have taken her out but my hands were tied."

"Expand," said Zoisite.

"Look at the time," said Kunzite. "I have to go to my yoga class!"

He teleported away in a blaze of fire.

The flames burnt off Nephrite's eyebrows.

"NO!" he howled. "I spent months on those! AHHHHH!"

12 minutes later Kunzite returned in a hot sweat.

"That was a good yoga session. I had a great meditation."

"Kunzite will you marry me?" asked Jadeite.

"Back off!" howled Zoisite.

"Wanna take this outside?" asked Jed.

"Nah, I'm good right here," said Zoisite, spawning a crystal behind Jeddo.

"Hey stop that," said Kunzite. "Everyone's life is valuable! Especially my precious best friends!"

Kunzite placed his hand on Jadeite's cheek. "Oh, my dear Jadeite. Did my boy hurt you?"

"No," said Jadeite blushing. His eyes were twinkling.

Zoisite was steamed but didn't know how to express it.

"I always knew Kunzite was gay," said Nephrite snapping his fingers.

"What gave it away?" asked Zoisite.

"Well," Nephrite began to elaborate.

"Hey, let's all go out to dinner!" offered Kunzite. "My treat!"

"Hot dog!" yelled Beryl.

"The whole Negaverse is invited!" said Kunzite.

"Are you sure about that?" asked Zoisite. "There's a lot of Youmas in the Negaverse."

"Nah lol I killed them all with my incompetency," reminded Jed.

"Ah," said Zoisite. "Carry on."

* * *

The Negaverse sat down at Crown Pavilion, Motoki's sister's fancy late-night restaurant, where all the couples went for dates.

"Now," said Kunzite. "Order anything you want! It's all on me!"

"Even the lobster?" asked Jed. "It's $400!"

"Order as much as you want," said Kunzite.

"Even this $9,000 caviar?" asked Nephrite.

"Especially that $9,000 caviar!" said Kunzite. "Just for you, my precious boy Nephrite!"

"Hmm," said Zoisite.

"I'll take the fillet mignon, hohoho!" laughed Kenji.

"With gold shavings!" added Kunzite.

"Kunzite are you sure you have that kind of money?" asked Zoisite.

"Don't worry, I can spawn it!"

"But that will take a lot of energy for as much as you're spending."

"Nah, I spawned a mountain with little effort," said Nephrite. "This should be a piece of cake for ol' Kunzy!"

"HAHAHAHAHA you're so funny!" said Kunzite with genuine laughter.

"Kunzite!" said Beryl. "I thought you were just taking the Negaverse! Why'd you bring Melvin and Diana, and Shingo and Grandpa?!"

"It was my treat," said Kunzite. "I value them too, and I want my WHOLE family to be here!"

"Aww gee, that's sweet," said Mamoru Chiba. "For someone that uses humans to do their dirty work! Hehe!"

"HAHAHAHA!" laughed Kunzite. "I do do that, but I didn't today! I'm improving, haha! Hahahaha! AHAHAHHA!"

Zoisite started to catch a giggle too, even though it wasn't that funny. But Kunzite's laugh was contagious.

"AHahahahah," they both laughed.

Beryl started to laugh too, so Jed did out of force of habit. Soon the entire restaurant was catching a chortle.

"Whew," said Kunzite. "You guys are so much fun!"

Motoki's sister approached him, still giggling. "Haha, what do you want to order?" she asked.

"Oh my gosh!" said Kunzite.

"What?" asked Motoki's sister.

Kunzite got down on his knees. "It's such a privilege to be served by such a beautiful young lady! I'll appreciate this forever!"

He gave an honored bow from the ground.

Motoki's sister was in a hot gush.

"Hey now!" yelled Jadeite and Zoisite in unison.

"Just for you," giggled Motoki's sister. "I'll give you a free meal!"

"I could never take advantage of the system!" howled Kunzite. "In fact, I'll pay double for this meal, and give you a blank check for your tip!"

"Please, don't," said Motoki's sister panting.

"No, no, I insist! For your expert service!"

He gave her the blank check and she left to cash it.

"Bye Motoki's sister," said Zoisite angrily.

She growled at him before she left.

Everyone ate to their heart's content.

"I'm gonna die," said Nephrite.

"Oh no," said Kunzite. "We can't have that! Let's all go take a hike to burn the calories!"

"I'm good," said Grandpa, laying down and dying.

"I'm so full," said Shingo. "I don't think I'm gonna make it."

He didn't make it.

The rest of them left for the hike.

"How much longer?" asked Beryl, using a huge crystal as a walking cane.

"We just arrived at the trail!" said Kunzite.

"AHHHHHHHH!" screamed Beryl, throwing her crystal. It hit Zoisite and he was taken down a notch.

"HEEEY!" shouted Kunzite. "How dare you do that to my boy!"

"Now, now," said Zoisite giddily. "I wouldn't want you to…. hurt Beryl over me or anything!"

Kunzite grabbed Beryl by the shirt collar and lifted her up despite her being taller than him.

"If you ever, and I mean ever, throw a crystal at my boy toy again,"

Beryl was shaking like a leaf.

"Stop it!" said Jed, throwing himself at Kunzite.

Kunzite fell over, and he was bloodlusted.

He socked Jadeite in the chops, tossing him a mile away.

"Kunzite, calm down!" said Zoisite, placing his hand on Kunzite's shoulder.

Kunzite grabbed his hand and flicked his wrist, tossing him into a tree.

He turned to Nephrite.

"Easy now," said Nephrite putting his arms up.

Kenji started whistling and escaped with his life.

Kunzite slowly walked towards Nephrite. His bloodlust had reached its peak, and now a strange calm washed over him.

"Nephrite, I could never hurt you," said Kunzite.

He teleported away.

After Nephrite made sure he was gone, he collapsed to the floor. But that was his mistake.

Kunzite flew up from inside the Earth's core, and threw an upper-cut directly at Nephrite's exposed chops.

"Oowww," said Nephrite. "Hey, that didn't hurt that much!"

Kunzite threw a suckerpunch, tossing Nephrite out of commission.

* * *

Queen Beryl, Nephrite, Jadeite, and Zoisite sat in the Negalounge.

"Well that was weird," said Beryl.

Kunzite walked in with an apology cake. "I'm so sorry guys, I don't know what came over me. I can't believe I hurt my best friends!"

"D'aww, we could never stay mad at you!" said Zoisite, reaching for a piece of cake.

"You really gotta work on your anger problems," sneered Nephrite.

Kunzite popped a vein, and the white of one of his eyes turned red.

"What was that?" he asked.

Nephrite looked up in confusion.

Kunzite grabbed Zoisite's hand that was reaching for the cake.

"L-let go of me!" cried Zoisite, struggling to get free.

Kunzite reached out with his other hand and grabbed Zoisite by the neck.

He tightened his grip by 20%, and tossed Zoisite into a wall.

Nephrite teleported away, and Jadeite tried to follow suit but he wasn't fast enough. Kunzite charged at the speed of light and socked Jadeite in the chops, sending him flying and making a crater in the wall next to Zoisite.

"Queen Beryl," said Kunzite.

"Yes," said Beryl, getting on her knees to pray.

"Did you do something with your hair?" Kunzite asked with a kind smile.

"Y-y-y-y—yyes," sputtered Beryl.

"It is looooooooooovely!" exclaimed Kunzite. "Here, take a slice of cake!"

"N-no thank you," said Beryl.

"Eat. The cake," said Kunzite in a quiet, deadly tone.

"Okay… okay!" said Beryl. She took a slice of cake and started eating it.

"Eat slower," said Kunzite. "You won't taste it."

Beryl slowed down her eating by 50%.

Kunzite squatted in front of her and watched her eat.

"How's it taste?" he asked.

"G-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-good," she stuttered.

"Well gOOOOOOLLY! That's just great!" said Kunzite. He teleported away.

Ten minutes later, Nephrite teleported back. Zoisite had finally pulled himself out of the crater in the wall.

"Is he gone?" asked Nephrite.

"Yes," said Zoisite.

"Ok good," said Neph. He teleported away again just to be safe.

"I don't know what's gotten into him," said Zoisite. "Maybe he woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. What do you think, Jadeite?"

There was no response from Jadeite's hole in the wall.

"J-Jadeite?" asked Zoisite, pulling away some of the rubble.

* * *

"So by taking the Silver Crystal, we can awaken Metalia to her 100% form!" explained Beryl to Jed, Neph, and Zoi Boy.

"Question," said Jadeite raising his hand.

"Yes, Jadeite," called Beryl.

"Who is Metalia?"

Suddenly Kunzite ran in. "Guys, guys, you'll never believe this!"

"Kunzite my boy!" said Zoisite.

"Who wants to come with me…..to a tennis match! I stayed up all night calling into a radio show, and got five front row seats!"

"Wowee!" said Jadeite. "I've never seen a tennis match! I've never seen a lot of things, actually, such as whoever this Metalia clown is…"

"What are we waiting for?" said Beryl. "Let's go!"

She leapt out of her throne and it shocked everyone.

They all sprinted towards the door.

But right as they approached it, it swung open, knocking Jadeite to the floor.

Kunzite ran in, with his arms still tied behind his back.

"THAT KUNZITE'S AN IMPOSTER!" he howled.

"Umm… no," said Zoisite. "You're the imposter. Kunzite would never tie his hands behind his own back. Is that even possible?"

"It was him!" said Kunzite. "I'd point, but my hands are tied behind my back! I can't use my magic because my hands are tied! I had to run all the way here from five miles away through the Arctic Ocean! HEEEEEEEELP!"

"Huh? What? No! No way," scoffed Beryl. "Impossible. This Kunzite right here is the real Kunzite. You're just some looney!"

"Wait, hang on," said the real Kunzite with his hands tied. "I've been gone for eight months, and you didn't notice that something was off?!"

"I did at first," said Beryl. "But then you took us out to dinner, and that's when I knew he was the real Kunzite."

"I would never take you out to dinner!" yelled Kunzite. "Especially not that Nephrite guy!"

"Watch it," said Nephrite.

Zoisite looked over, and the "Kunzite" who had got them the tennis tickets was spinning rapidly with many 360s. After the tenth 360, he turned into Nephrite.

"Uh oh," said Zoisite. "He can copy our appearances in an instant!"

"No," said Nephrite solemnly. "That's my evil twin, Nephrake. I could recognize his forehead any day."

"Nyeh heh heh," said Nephrake pulling out a squirrel and eating it.

"Huh," said Jadeite. "We should have known that Kunzite didn't eat squirrels. I can't believe we didn't make the connection the first 20 times."

"Quick!" said the real Kunzite. "Untie me! I can take this guy!"

"Okay!" said Zoisite. He threw a crystal at Kunzite's hands to cut the rope, but he was under pressure and a little rusty, so his aim was off by a bit.

It hit Kunzite in the heart and he fell over.

"AHH! KUNZITE!" cried Zoisite. "It was an honest mistake!"

"Curse you!" yelled Kunzite.

"Stand aside," said Nephrite. "I can take this guy! I have always been the slightly stronger twin!"

"No," stated Nephrake. "For one, I'm two seconds older, and for two, you're gay!"

Nephrite charged at the speed of light.

Nephrake charged at the speed of light.

Nephrite threw a right hook, but Nephrake ducked. Nephrake threw a left hook, and nailed Nephrite.

During this opening, Nephrite threw a right hook, and nailed Nephrake. Nephrake retaliated with a quick jab.

But Nephrite side-stepped, and threw a roundhouse kick.

But Nephrake blocked it and threw another left hook.

It was a critical blow, and Nephrite passed out. "Beginner's… luck," he coughed.

"Uh oh," said Jadeite.

Nephrake charged like a bull.

"Don't worry," said Beryl. "Surely the three of us combined could take down someone Nephrite's level!"

But Beryl didn't have much combat experience, and was a sitting duck.

Before she could react, Nephrake kicked her in the stomach, and threw 20 consecutive punches to her exposed gut.

She dropped like a tree falling, and Jed and Zoi got into defensive stances.

"TIMBER!" mocked Nephrake.

He took out another squirrel and ate it to celebrate.

"Alright," said Zoisite. "It's all or nothing, Jed. We must attack at 100%!"

"Got it!" agreed Jed.

They both charged, and Nephrake summoned his replica of Nephrite's sword.

"While Nephrite fights with one long sword, I fight with two slightly smaller swords, daggers if you will."

Zoisite looked at the crystal in his hand, and realized it would shatter in one strike from either of Nephrake's blades.

He stopped mid-charge, but Jed didn't notice in time.

Jadeite was sliced to bits, in fact perfect cubes.

Nephrake picked up one of the cubes and put salt on it.

"Please no," begged Zoisite.

Nephrake didn't listen and ate the cube.

"AHhhhh!" screamed Zoisite.

Nephrake charged Zoisite.

"no no no no No No NO NO!" cried Zoisite.

Zoisite could have teleported away but he was too panicked after seeing Jed eaten alive.

Suddenly Kunzite shot a weak blast through his foot, stopping Nephrake in his tracks and in fact burning him to a crisp.

"You haven't seen the last of me!" shouted Nephrake, teleporting away with his life.

"That was rough," said Kunzite who was still impaled by Zoisite's crystal. "I was barely able to muster up the strength without my hands! Now can someone untie me and remove this crystal?!"

* * *

Ten days later, Metalia revived Jadeite and Kunzite, because Kunzite died from blood-loss shortly after they removed the crystal.

"Zoisite!" yelled Jadeite. "Why'd you stop the charge?"

"What charge?" asked Zoisite. "Oh yeah," he recalled. "It was a suicide mission."

"You could have told me," said Jadeite sadly.

"D'ah," said Zoisite.

"Say, what happened to my body after I died?" wondered Jadeite.

"N-nothing," said Zoisite.

"Okay good," said Jed. "I had this weird dream… nah."

"I'm still upset that my twin brother with equal power was able to defeat me by pure luck," said Nephrite angrily.

"Yes," agreed Zoisite. "It was a pure flip of the coin. What a shame that you picked heads that match."

Nephrite nodded.

"I can't believe there was a Kunzite chapter finally, but I was hardly even in it," said Kunzite with dismay.

"Don't worry," said Beryl. "I haven't had a Beryl chapter in a long time, if ever."

"You're not a Shitennou," said Jadeite. "It's evident in the fact that you dropped like a tree to someone Nephrite level due to your lack of combat experience."

"Why I oughtta…!" howled Beryl. "I don't need combat experience to take you down, Jed!"

"Try me!" yelled Jadeite.

Those were his last words.

FIN


	155. Jed Joins Class 3

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Ye?" replied Queen Beryl.

"Well, the humans have this thing called school. Can I go to school? I never got an education because I was placed on your doorstep as a baby and you never registered me with the school system."

"Ah, yes," recalled Beryl. "That was a long time ago. 1018 years to this day. I'm surprised I even remember something from 1,000 years ago. Well, I guess since I was dead for most of those years…"

"Beryl," said Jadeite. "Can I go to school?" he repeated.

Beryl looked at him, but all she saw was that baby that was placed on her doorstep so long ago. "Sure," said Beryl. "Go on ahead and live your dream."

"WAHOOOO!" cheered Jadeite, legging it before she remembered he had a job to do.

* * *

"What do you mean, there's no class open!?" cried Jadeite.

"I'm sorry," said the principal. "But all the classes are full. If you were to register, we would have to make a whole new class, a class 3."

"Can ya?" asked Jadeite desperately.

"We don't have enough kids for a whole new class," the principle said sadly. "And also you look too old for school."

"No," said Jadeite.

He left it at that.

"Well…" said the vice-principal, thinking for a moment. "If you were to recruit like 20 more kids, we could hire a new teacher and start a whole new class. But there's no way…"

"I'LL BE BACK!" howled Jadeite leaping out the window.

* * *

20 minutes later, Jadeite returned with 20 kids and a teacher.

"Wow," said the vice-principal. "I just said that to get rid of you. Our school doesn't have the funds to pay another teacher."

"Don't worry," said Grandpa. "I'll do it for free."

"Ehhh, I guess it's okay then," decided the principal. "You guys will be class 3, and-"

The vice-principal gasped. "You can't… not class 3!"

"Shit!" remembered the principal. "It all started 47 years ago…"

"What did?" asked Jadeite.

"THE CURSE!" howled the principal.

"WHAT CURSE?!" yelled Jadeite getting frantic.

The principal packed all his things, put on his cap, and left. He never returned.

"That was odd," said Jadeite.

The vice-principal, who was now the principal, was shaking in her boots. "I wish you the best of luck," she said.

"Umm… okay," said Jadeite.

Him and his crowed entered classroom 3.

There were cobwebs everywhere, but Kunzite used his powers to get rid of them.

"I'm glad you're here," said Zoisite. "Usually you don't go along with these things."

Kunzite shrugged. "When Jadeite offered me a free education, I'd be a fool to decline."

They all took their seats.

Grandpa-sensei began to teach them math. "So this is the number 2…" he began.

"I have a question!" yelled Jadeite.

But Grandpa ignored him and kept talking.

"HEY!" yelled Jadeite. "OVER HERE!"

Grandpa did not reply.

Jadeite tapped Nephrite who was sitting in front of him.

"Do you see what's going on?!"

Nephrite went to turn around, but stopped himself.

"NEPHRITE?!" screamed Jadeite.

He was getting mad.

He threw his notebook on the floor.

"WHY IS EVERYONE IGNORING ME!?

Everyone ignored him.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!" he screamed.

An anonymous paper airplane flew to his desk, and Jed unfolded it.

"I'll explain everything after class," it read.

"Hmm," said Jadeite.

Class ended four hours later.

Jadeite walked out into the hall.

"Hey," said Melvin. "I left you the note."

"Okay," said Jadeite. "I figured, since you were the one who approached me after class."

"Yes," said Melvin. "I'll explain everything. You see, 47 years ago, there was a curse."

"Why?" said Jadeite.

"I'm getting there," said Melvin. "You see, in class 3, some kid died of unknown causes, and everyone was sad. So they pretended he still existed. Then, at the end of the year, when they took the class photo, the kid was in it!"

"Jeepers creepers," said Jadeite. "But wait, I thought you said he died!"

"He did die," said Melvin.

"What was his name?" asked Jadeite.

"I don't know," said Melvin. "But anyway, after this occurred, kids in class 3 would start dying rapidly. So they decided the only way to prevent the curse was to treat one kid like they don't exist-"

"How did they figure that out?" asked Jadeite.

"I don't know," said Melvin. "I wasn't there. I'm just quoting my Pa. But anyway,"

"Oh I get it," said Jadeite. "It's to balance out what happened 47 years ago!"

"No," said Melvin. "It's because there's an extra desk every year, because one kid in the class is dead!"

"Wouldn't they notice the dead body sitting there?" asked Jadeite.

"NOOOO!" yelled Melvin. "They're a ghost! But they just look like a normal kid."

"How does that relate to what happened 47 years ago?" questioned Jadeite. "Nothing really adds up in this story! Could you explain it again, but slower?"

Melvin was angry. "I shouldn't be talking to you anyway. You're the kid who doesn't exist!"

"I think I exist," said Jadeite. "And also I'm not a ghost!"

"NO!" cried Melvin. "The ghost doesn't have to do with the non-existent kid!"

"So what does ignoring someone accomplish, if they have to get rid of the ghost?!" asked Jadeite in confusion.

Melvin shook his head, and started to walk away.

"I said too much," he stated. "I hope I didn't say too much…"

Melvin started down the staircase, but his first step never landed. He started to tumble.

However, as he fell down the stairs, he died of unknown causes, and was dead before he hit the ground.

"OH NO!" cried Jadeite. "Melvin just died right after he explained the curse to me! And it was of unknown causes!"

No one rushed to Melvin's corpse, because they had to ignore Jadeite and thus had to pretend that they didn't hear that someone died.

Jadeite ran up and grabbed Shingo by the shirt, picking him up off the ground.

"TELL ME ABOUT THE CALAMITY OF CLASS 3, FROM 47 YEARS AGO!"

"Oh my god!" cried Ami Mizuno. "Shingo is floating!"

"What, no way?!" yelled Makoto.

"What's going on!?" yelled Shingo. "Why am I floating!?"

Jadeite was furious, and started shaking Shingo rapidly.

"NOTICE ME!" he yelled.

He shook Shingo so fast it looked like he was vibrating.

"HEEELP!" yelled Shingo. "Alright, Jadeite, I'll tell you what happened!"

"NO!" yelled Nephrite. But it was too late.

Shingo's shirt collar tore, and he was launched out of Jadeite's hand and out the window.

He died before he hit the ground.

"NO!" repeated Nephrite.

"Rip," said Zoisite.

Grandpa just shook his head sadly.

* * *

"We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of our old classmate, Melvin Gurio," stated Boxy the priest.

Jadeite arrived at the funeral, and everyone turned to him angrily. Jadeite gave a thumb's up.

They all turned the other way.

Jadeite went to take a seat, but there was none for him, so he sat down criss-cross applesauce on the ground.

"Oy Maylvin," said Molly sadly. "He was too young to die."

She watched as they lowered his coffin into the ground.

"Maaaylvin!" she wailed. She leaned over to get one last look at coffin.

"Wait, Molly!" cried Nephrite. "The curse!"

Molly was leaning over the fence, but suddenly lost her balance.

"OYYYYY!" she yelled. She fell in the grave right as the dirt was poured in. She was buried alive, and was dead before she died.

"MOOOOOOOOLLLLLLY!" boomed Nephrite. "NOOOOO! DAMMIT JADEITE!"

* * *

"We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of our old classmate, Molly Osaka."

Jadeite arrived at the funeral.

Everyone turned to him. He frowned, and they all turned away.

Nephrite wanted to mourn next to Molly's coffin, but did not want to suffer a similar fate.

"Let's wrap this funeral up quickly," said Zoisite. "We don't know what's gonna happen."

"That was just a fluke," assured Kunzite. "There's no curse, and no one else is going to die."

Suddenly, a rogue meteor shot out of the atmosphere and landed on Makoto.

She died before the impact.

"MAKOOOO!" cried Ami.

She went to shove the meteor off Makoto, but pulled her back out and died.

She dropped to the ground, but was dead before she hit the ground.

* * *

"We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of our old classmates… ah, what's the point," groaned Boxy.

He went to leave, but wasn't looking where he was going and fell into Ami's tomb, right as the dirt poured in.

"We should stop going to these funerals," said Kunzite.

The remaining classmates nodded.

Right as Zoisite went to leave, Grandpa grabbed him.

"Zoisite!" he yelled.

"Yes, Sensei," said Zoisite.

"I'm putting you as the head of counter-measures."

"Counter-measures of what?" asked Zoisite.

Grandpa just gave him a nod and headed on his way.

"I wish I knew what was going on," said Zoisite. "I don't even know why we're ignoring Jadeite."

* * *

The next day, Sensei did not show up to class on time.

He looked very upset when he arrived.

"Umm… Sensei?" asked Usagi's tubby friend from season 1 nervously.

"I hope you all graduate this year."

"Okay…" said Zoisite slowly.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" yelled Grandpa.

He threw himself at the students, and they were forced to put him down.

"D'ah," said the students.

"What would cause him to act like this?" asked Zoisite. "I talked to him at the funeral, and he seemed normal."

"What's the date?" asked Nephrite.

Zoisite checked the class calendar that was now stained with blood. "It's July 1st."

"SHIT!" cried Nephrite. He dashed from the classroom.

"I DON'T WANNA DIE!" howled Usagi, following suit.

But as she opened the door, Nephrite had a change of heart and decided to stick it out.

He slammed it open in the other direction, knocking her to the floor and ending her.

"Ooops!" said Nephrite. "AHHH!"

The class started to freak out.

* * *

"Alright, Jadeite," said Zoisite, as they stood on the roof of the school. "As the head of counter-measures, whatever that means, I've decided that you can exist again."

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" asked Nephrite.

"Yes," said Zoisite. "Clearly, ignoring him has not helped."

"I don't know," said Nephrite. "I haven't died yet, and I've been in some pretty sticky situations since the start of the school year. It's almost like I have too much personality to die."

"Yeah right," said Zoisite. "We're all in danger!"

"I have to warn Beryl," decided Jadeite.

"Wait, don't teleport!" yelled Nephrite. "You know what happens if you try to leave town!"

But Jadeite was a nervous wreck and didn't listen.

He started to teleport, but something was off.

Halfway through his teleportation stream, something interrupted it, and he was launched in a different direction.

He was soon teleported to the core of an active volcano.

"AHHHHHH!" he cried.

He was dead before he hit the ground.

* * *

"This isn't good," said Zoisite after ten minutes had passed. "Jadeite hasn't returned yet."

Suddenly his corpse appeared next to them badly burnt.

"I'm having flashbacks to the manga," said Nephrite as chills went down his spine.

"AHHHHHHHH!" screamed Zoisite.

"What's all the hub-bub?" asked Kunzite stepping out onto the roof.

"No Kunzite, get away from me! Everyone around me dies! Except for me who has plot armor!" cried Nephrite.

Kunzite frowned. "I did some digging, and I found out that the curse ended one year."

"It did?!" cried Zoisite. "How?!"

"Well, they all went on a field trip. That's all I know."

"Let's go on a field trip," suggested Zoisite.

"But to where?" wondered Nephrite.

"It doesn't matter," said Zoisite. "As head of counter-measures, I can't sit here idly."

"Alright then," said Kunzite. "Let's go to the mountain resort!"

"Which?" asked Zoisite.

"Remember that time I had that ski plot?" said Kunzite.

"No," said Zoisite sadly.

"Well not that mountain," said Kunzite.

"Okay."

* * *

"I don't like the looks of this mountain," said Nephrite. Behind him was the remaining students of class 3. There weren't many left.

A dark storm cloud followed above only them.

"Hmm," said Kunzite. "I don't like this one bit. But this is how they figured out who the dead kid was last time presumably, so it's the only chance we've got!"

They started up the long winding staircase to the mountain resort.

Suddenly, Yaten stepped on the wrong stair, and was sent rolling off the mountain.

No one tried to save him, because there was nothing more they could do.

In a last ditch effort, Yaten transformed into Sailor Star Healer. But it was too late.

He rolled for another couple frames, and was dead before anything fatal actually happened to him.

"Poor guy, died from rolling," said Zoisite, carefully watching his steps.

Kunzite floated behind, not making Yaten's same mistake.

* * *

They all arrived at the mansion on the hill.

They stepped inside.

"Well, since we're here, we might as well try to relax," said Nephrite. "Since we're all gonna die soon anyway, except for me because I have plot armor!"

Mamoru Chiba had a brief moment where he wondered if he too had any plot armor. He hoped being the opposite of Nephrite was good enough – being so irrelevant to the story that no one cared to animate a death scene for him. He headed to bed early that night, hoping to stay alive.

Everyone put on their pajamas and unpacked some of their things.

"Where's Mamoru Chiba?" wondered Nephrite. "I should go check on him, not that I care about him or anything. I just want to make sure no one else has died yet."

He stepped into Mamoru's bedroom, startling him out of his sleep.

"Huh?" asked Mamo.

That's when the entire floor above them collapsed, killing both Mamoru and Chad, who had been sound asleep on the floor above.

"NOOO!" screamed Nephrite, bracing himself for the great beyond.

However, he was just out of range of the collapsed floor, and was not injured.

"Huh," said Nephrite.

He went to bed and slept soundly, knowing he was invincible.

A few of the students stayed awake, mainly because they couldn't sleep.

"Hey guys!" said Motoki. "I filled the hot tub, anyone wanna go for a dunk?"

Everyone was too scared to move, except for Motoki's sister, who trusted her brother.

"I'll take a dip," she decided. "It might relax my nerves."

She stripped and leapt into the tub, head-first.

Unfortunately, Motoki accidentally made the water a little too hot.

Motoki's sister was dead before she the water.

"NOOO!" cried Motoki as her corpse floated to the surface. He was filled with blood-lust, and was just waiting for a reason to express it.

Suddenly there was an announcement over the loud speaker.

"There's a way to stop the curse!" the voice said. "Take out the dead kid!"

"Who's the dead kid?!" yelled Motoki.

"You might be wondering who the dead kid is," said the voice. "Well, it's none other than the head of counter-measures, Zoisite!"

"WHAT?!" cried Zoisite. "I didn't even want this job!"

Everyone turned to Zoisite with blood-lust.

Motoki went in for his infamous punch on Zoisite, but Zoisite took off faster than light.

A chandelier fell right where he had been standing, blocking off the door.

"Drat!" said Motoki. "Everyone split up!"

"Hehehe," snickered Greg, turning off the loud speaker. "That oughtta shake things up."

Suddenly the loud speaker blew up, lighting the mansion on fire and killing Greg. He was dead before the fire reached his body.

Zoisite was dashing down the hall.

Suddenly someone appeared next to him, and Zoisite swung.

Kunzite dodged with ease. "Don't worry, I know you're not dead!" said Kunzite.

"How?" asked Zoisite.

"I can see it with my eyes," he stated.

"Okay," said Zoisite. "Weirder things have happened today."

"I won't let them get to you," promised Kunzite.

Suddenly their first opponent entered the hall.

Momoko readied her broom.

"Step aside, Kunzite. I have to take out the dead kid."

"No," said Kunzite.

Momoko growled. She charged with her broom. The camera panned to the ceiling, and there was a shriek.

Kunzite was down, but not out.

"That's a strong broom," he admitted.

Momoko charged Zoisite. But Zoisite swung, taking out Momoko with a single punch.

She was tossed out the window and fell off the mountain, dying before she made it to the window.

Zoisite had to keep running, but he wasn't sure where.

"The kitchen!" he thought. "There's gotta be some knives in there I could use for defense."

Suddenly the light flicked on.

"AHA!" said Motoki.

"NO!" said Zoisite. He knew he was outmatched.

"THIS IS FOR MY SISTER!" howled Motoki charging.

Zoisite leapt wildly out of the way, and Motoki couldn't stop his charge in time.

He tripped and tumbled into the oven, and it slammed shut and turned on.

He was dead before he was cooked alive.

Zoisite hesitantly opened the oven, but there was no one inside.

"Huh…" said Zoisite.

Zoisite didn't have time to ponder on this, and trudged on. He headed down the hall, but it was blocked by flames.

"Damn!" he said. "If only I had plot armor like Nephrite!"

He turned and ran the other direction, trying to make it out of the burning mansion.

Nephrite woke up to the smell of flames. "Is someone cooking Motoki?" he wondered.

He got up and was surrounded by fire.

"SHIT!" he yelled, jumping out the window. He didn't even look down, knowing his plot armor would save him.

He landed casually outside on the ground, despite other people having died from much shorter falls that day.

He strolled out to the front. "Does this plot armor know no bounds?!"

He wanted to test his theory, so he decided to run back in the burning mansion.

He spotted Hotaru, Michiru, and Haruka making a mad dash towards the exit.

"Speed it up!" he yelled. "You might die!"

Suddenly a chandelier fell and killed all three.

"Awwwwwwwwwwwwww," said Nephrite sadly. "So close!"

But to his amazement, Hotaru crawled out from under the chandelier.

"Wow, good work!" he said. "What are the odds?"

She continued to crawl towards the exit. But then a lone pillar fell on her, ending her story before it even hit her.

"WHAT ARE THE ODDS?!" repeated Nephrite.

Suddenly the entire mansion collapsed.

"AHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Nephrite. But he wasn't too worried.

When the smoke clear, he stood amongst the rubble unscathed.

He saw the corpses of Minako and Rei, and pitied them.

Zoisite climbed out of the rubble, very wounded.

Suddenly, Crane Machine Joe reached out of the debris and grabbed Zoisite's foot.

He attempted to pull Zoisite into the rubble and down into hell with him.

But Kunzite blasted his arm to bits and Joe died from blood loss.

"Don't worry," said Kunzite. "I told you I'd keep you alive!"

Kyuusuke leapt up behind Kunzite and took him out.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" cried Zoisite.

It appeared Kunzite had been stabbed.

"Alright, let's go lil' boy!" screamed Zoisite blood-lusted. "I'm not afraid of you!"

Suddenly a giant cheese grater flew out from the kitchen rubble, and Zoisite was shredded like Swiss cheese.

"NO!" yelled Zoisite being ended.

"Huh," said Nephrite. "It seems like he and Jadeite both died the same way they did in the manga. Good thing I have plot armor…"

But Kyuusuke was still alive and blood-lusted for no reason. He had learned what it was like to kill and decided to go on a rampage.

He leapt at Nephrite, and Nephrite crossed his arms.

Before Kyuusuke reached Nephrite, he was struck down by lightning. His knife had only been inches from Nephrite's throat, and went flying directly at him.

However, the magnetic powers of the giant cheese grater launched the knife backwards, ending Setsuna Meiyo who was climbing out of the rubble.

"Wow," said Nephrite. "That lightning… it was close. Too close for comfort."

Nephrite started to go insane standing amongst the dead bodies.

"This plot armor can't be real… I know it's only luck! I knew it all along!"

He picked up a huge metal rod and stood in the middle of the lightning storm.

"PLOT ARMOR, IF YOU ARE REAL, SHOW YOURSELF!"

But suddenly the storm ended and a rainbow formed.

"Huh," said Nephrite. "Thanks plot armor."

"Don't mention it," said plot armor.

* * *

Nephrite returned to class the next day, and sat down in the classroom.

"I wonder who the dead kid was. I guess now we'll never know."

Nephrite decided he still needed to take a class photo for the yearbook, since he concluded this would be his last day of class.

He pulled out his camera and took a selfie.

He looked at the selfie. Standing behind him in the photo, were all his dead friends.

And standing right beside him, leaning on his shoulder… was the dead kid.

"Huh!" he said. "So that's who it was!"

* * *

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Nephrite. He turned on the lights in the Negaverse.

"Queen Beryl?"

She was dead on her throne, stabbed by none other than Grandpa's signature dagger.

"Wow," said Nephrite.

FIN

* * *

 **Authors' Note: Entire plot taken from the horror light novel, and its anime adaption, "Another."**


	156. Yumemi Yumeno Joins the Shitennou

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Jadeite, I would like you to meet the newest Shitennou," said Queen Beryl.

"That won't be necessary," responded Jadeite. He pulled out a rifle and shot himself.

"Well that was rude," said Queen Beryl. "I'm sorry, Yumemi Yumeno, He doesn't normally act like this."

"Just call me Peggy Jones," said Yumemi. "It's my dub name."

"I'll consider it," said Beryl.

"Queen Beryl!" exclaimed Zoisite walking in. "I heard gunfire! Is Nephrite down?"

"No, unfortunately," said Beryl.

"Hey, I know you!" said Zoisite. "I took your rainbow crystal!"

Yumemi took a battle stance.

"Yeah, yeah!" said Zoisite, it all coming back to him now. "You're Motoki's girlfriend, right?"

Yumemi let out a snarl.

"Wait no!" recalled Zoisite. "You're the one with the cat, right?"

Peggy Jones charged.

"Piece of cake," thought Zoisite. He was cocky, so he let Yumemi get as close as possible before dodging.

But he didn't time it right, and Yumemi socked him right in the chops.

"It's Makoto all over again," thought Zoisite sadly.

"See, this is why she's our newest Shitennou," explained Beryl. "She might not be strong, but she knows how to paint! In fact she paints prophecies, and also events from the past!"

"Wait, she's a Shitennou?!" cried Zoisite.

"Someone has to replace Jadeite," shrugged Beryl.

"No, that sounds out of order," said Zoisite. "Sounds to me like you introduced her to Jadeite as a Shitennou, and that's why he killed himself."

"Mmmm, that's right. But look at that portrait she drew of me!" said Beryl pointing to the wall behind Zoisite.

"She made you look unrealistically good," stated Zoisite.

Beryl started to get livid. She probably would have taken down Zoisite if Kunzite hadn't stormed in.

"QUUUUEEEEN BERYL!" he howled. "I just got Zoisite's text!"

"QUUUUEEEEN BERYL!" yelled Nephrite marching in. "I just got Jadeite's text!"

"When did they send these?" wondered Beryl.

"Queen Beryl!" repeated Kunzite. "What did we talk about with you just adding anyone to the elite four?!"

"This isn't Pokemon," said Beryl.

"That doesn't matter! This RANDOM is not one of us! And I'm very upset!"

"I knew this would happen," said Beryl. "In fact, Yumemi drew a painting of this exact moment 20 minutes ago."

She held up a portrait of Kunzite and Nephrite standing there angrily. She lowered it to see the exact same thing unfolding in front of her, right down to the facial expressions.

"She is a valuable asset to the team," stated Beryl, sticking to her hunches.

"She's only good for parlor tricks!" yelled Kunzite.

"False," said Beryl.

Kunzite was floored.

"In fact," said Beryl. "She drew a picture of the Moon Kingdom, showing the 7 rainbow crystal carriers! That saves us reviving Metalia to tell us about this!"

"Actually," said Kunzite. "I remembered that."

"Then why didn't you tell us when Zoisite was after the Silver Crystal as one object?!" howled Beryl.

"Yeah," said Nephrite. "You could have told me! I kept thinking it was inside Molly!"

"That doesn't make any sense," said Kunzite.

Nephrite growled.

"Settle down boys," said Yumemi.

Kunzite lunged at her.

"KUNZITE!" shrieked Beryl.

Kunzite froze in mid-air like a cartoon.

"Don't make me call my other recruit in to take care of you," warned Beryl.

"Other recruit?" asked Kunzite, veins appearing on his head.

"Bring him in!" yelled Beryl.

"Who are you yelling to?" asked Zoisite.

Suddenly Yaten base entered the fray.

"Hey guys, I'm Yaten-kun. I'm a pop idol and main member of the Three Lights."

"Wait, you're a Sailor Starlight?" asked Kunzite.

"No, Three Light!" he yelled. "Well, actually, I was a Sailor Starlight. Until I lost my transformation badge. Now I'm stuck as a boy and I can't get back to my home planet. It's rather unfortunate so I decided to join the evil side. Kids beat me up in the boys' locker room."

"I understand," said Zoisite.

"Well," said Queen Beryl. "Hopefully you'll all get along with Yaten base."

* * *

Jadeite, Nephrite, Kunzite, and Zoisite sat down in the Nega-cafeteria.

"Welcome back, Jed," said Nephrite.

"It's good to be back," said Jed.

That's when the new recruits sat down at the table.

"Actually it's not," said Jed, changing his mind. "I remember why I killed myself. These recruits are too random for my taste."

"This is the cool kids' table," stated Kunzite, glaring at the rookies. "There's no room for you. Please sit at the average kids' table."

He pointed to the floor.

Yaten slugged him in the face and Kunzite fell to the floor.

"I will not put up with this!" yelled Yaten. "I got bullied enough as it is in high school! That's why I worked out and got strong!"

"Strong?" scoffed Nephrite. "Look at your arms! They're like twigs!"

Yaten slugged Nephrite in the chops and tossed him across the room.

"Do you mind?" said Yumemi Yumeno. "I'm trying to draw here," she stated, finishing up her portrait of Yaten punching Nephrite.

Jadeite threw a wild punch at Yaten, but he caught it ten minutes before he threw the punch.

"Nice try," said Yaten. He threw Jadeite in a nearby trashcan.

Zoisite picked up his tray and went to the bathroom to finish his meal.

"Can you believe those guys?" barked Yaten sitting down next to Yumemi.

* * *

"I hate eating in the bathroom," said Zoisite sadly.

"I hate getting socked," said Nephrite angrily.

"These new recruits have been nothing but trouble," said Kunzite. "I don't see what Queen Beryl sees in these guys. They lack both personality and depth."

The other Shitennou nodded.

"Boys!" yelled Queen Beryl from outside. "Please come in my throne room!"

They walked into her throne room.

They immediately let out a loud moan when they spotted someone standing next to Beryl.

"Boys, this is the new recruit. I hope you'll show them respect, as I hand-picked them myself."

"Who the hell is this?" demanded Kunzite.

"Hey!" said Beryl. "This is the artist from SuperS episode 156 who refused to change his painting of CereCere because it was against his morals! He died of starvation shortly after his appearance, but I resurrected him just because I knew this guy had what it takes to be a Shitennou!"

Jadeite pulled out his rifle, shot an unsuspecting Zoisite, and then killed himself.

Nephrite started to cry. "You've actually done it, Beryl! You've literally gotten the most generic characters you can get! A single episoder!"

"And the worst part is," said Kunzite, "We already have an artist!"

"This one is entirely different," stated Beryl. "He would never lie about his identity."

"I don't think I can take much more," groaned Nephrite. "My heart might give out."

"That's a shame," said Beryl. "Because I got another one!"

"Does he have personali-"

"Nope," said Beryl. "This is the guy that trained with Makoto from episode 105 in season S. You might recognize him as Tien Shinhan from Dragon Ball Z, but I can assure you he's an entirely differently person."

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Nephrite. He spawned one of his blades and stabbed himself in the heart.

Kunzite grabbed the blade from Nephrite's corpse. He tried to stab his own heart but the sword shattered against his abs.

"Huh," said Kunzite. "That's a shame."

"Indeed," said Beryl. "Good thing I have all these replacements. Now get to work boys, time is money."

"Yes ma'am!" said all the randoms.

* * *

Kunzite sat down sadly in the bathroom to eat, but in marched all the Shitennou.

"Hey… Moonzite was it?" asked Yumemi Yumeno. "We figured you might be lonely, so we decided to eat in here with you."

Kunzite took off running.

"TOO MANY RANDOMS!" he cried. "Any of our Youmas would be stronger than these saps!"

He ran into Beryl's throne room.

"Perfect timing!" said Beryl. "I would like to introduce you to our newest Shitennou, Zilpah Sapphire."

"Huh?" asked Kunzite.

"He's from Sailor Moon, I assure you," said Beryl.

"What season was he?" demanded Kunzite. "I watched every episode twice. Is he another character of the week?"

"Well actually," said Beryl. "He's not from the anime. He's from one of the musical adaptations, Kaguya Shima Densetsu. He was one of the minions of Dark Plasman."

Kunzites eyes twitched.

"Kunzite, are you okay?" asked Beryl.

He let out an incoherent shriek.

Beryl shuttered.

"NO ONE! EVER! EVEN! WATCHED! THE MUUUUUSIIICALLLLLLLS!"

"Hohoho," said Beryl. "That's where you're wrong. Why else would they be selectable characters on Fanfiction?"

"I question a lot of things about Fanfication," said Kunzite.

"You know who else does that?" said Beryl. "Our other new recruit. This is Ninja from Dragon Quest who was featured in great Mario franchise games such as Mario Sports Mix, AKA the greatest videogame ever made! And he's brought his friend, dark blue Mr. Game & Watch, featured in Super Smash Brothers Brawl unlockable character roster! And HIS best friend, purple Young Link from Melee!"

Kunzite walked away.

"Where's he going?" wondered Beryl. "Go after him!"

Kunzite continued to walk calmly down the hall.

"Hey man, where ya' going?" asked Ninja.

Kunzite ended Ninja without turning to face him.

"Yo, that's not cool!" exclaimed Zilpah in shock. "I don't want any trouble!"

Kunzite ended him and continued walking calmly.

He entered Metalia's chambers, and Ninja respawned on her bed.

Kunzite blew up Ninja and the bed so he could not respawn again.

"Hey~~!" yelled Metalia.

Kunzite ignored her.

He pulled out a tank of gasoline and poured it all over her pod.

"HEY! HEY! BERYL!" shouted Metalia. "BERYL-SAMA!"

"METALIA-SAMA!" cried Beryl dashing in.

Kunzite took out his flame thrower and lit Metalia ablaze.

She combusted, exploding the Negaverse.

* * *

Everyone awoke in hell.

"What gives?!" yelled Yaten. "I was a good man!"

"You joined the evil side," reminded Beryl. "And also you gave me your soul which I sold to Satan for a couple of bucks."

"D'ah," said Yaten.

"Hey Kunzite!" said Jadeite. "I'm glad you went out the same way I did it appears."

Kunzite was still angry.

He killed Jadeite, sending him deeper into the afterlife.

Then he spotted the randoms, and leapt into the depths of hell never to be seen again.

FIN


	157. The Shitennou Enter the Abyss

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Really, Jadeite?" asked Beryl.

"Actually, just kidding," said Jadeite. "All I found was the Silver Crystal."

"I'm sorry," said Beryl. "I'm going to have to put you in an eternal sleep."

"What?" yelped Jadeite. "Nephrite said you wouldn't complain after I got the Silver Crystal!"

"I wouldn't complain if you just did your job properly! I kept calling and calling, but you wouldn't pick up!"

"Yes," said Jadeite. "I got many death threats on my answering machine. I only listened to about half of them."

"Let's make this quick and easy," said Beryl. "It was your mistake for coming back here."

"D'ah," said Jadeite. "Then where I should I put the Silver Crystal?"

"I told you to get energy!" yelled Beryl. "I have no use for the- hey wait a second! WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?! Hand it over!"

Jadeite handed it over.

"O.M.G!" exclaimed Beryl. "I'm sorry. I have no complaints. Looks like we'll go take over the world now."

"Oh boy, so I don't die?" asked Jed.

"Well, you do when Metalia kills us all and takes over the world, but it won't be by my hand."

"WAHOO!" said Jadeite.

"Bring this to her at once," commanded Beryl.

"Can't you?" asked Jadeite. "I have to go to the bathroom before Metalia kills us all and takes over the world."

"I can't," said Beryl. "I'm stuck in my throne. I have been for your entire arc, actually!"

"Even at an important time like this?" asked Jadeite.

"I don't think you understand," said Beryl. "It's not by choice. I'm literally stuck. It all started on April Fools when Zoisite put glue on my seat. Permanent glue to be precise. No magic works on it. I was going to kill him but he teleported away and hasn't been seen since."

"D'ah," said Jadeite. "I'll take it over to her. But I have to warn you, I'm accident-prone."

"It's okay," said Beryl. "We're this close to victory. There's nothing you could do to mess this up. All you have to do is teleport to Metalia's."

"Right," said Jadeite.

He began to teleport, but then decided he could go for a quick snack. He teleported to the vending machine instead.

"Hey," said Nephrite hanging out at the soda machine as usual. "What's that in your hand?"

"Oh," said Jadeite. "It's a rice crispy treat that I just bought."

"No, in your other hand."

"Oh, that's the Silver Crystal," chuckled Jed.

"Huh," said Nephrite. He tossed Jadeite to the floor and snatched the crystal.

"AHAHAHAHAHAH!" he yelled. "I win! I'll tell Queen Beryl I got it myself and get all the glory!"

Suddenly Zoisite appeared and shot petals in his eyes.

"UEEEEGH!" yelled Nephrite. He socked Zoisite, tossing him to the floor.

But Kunzite jumped Nephrite from behind and drop-kicked him, snatching the crystal and running towards Beryl.

"Wait!" cried Jadeite. "I already showed it to Beryl!"

Kunzite skidded to a halt. "What?! No!"

"Don't worry!" assured Jed. "We can all bring it to Metalia together!"

"Err, nevermind. Metalia cred isn't half as good as Beryl cred," said Kunzite. "I don't really care about Metalia's opinion of me. She doesn't really communicate on a human level."

"D'ah," said Jed. "Then do you want to take it to Metalia, Nephrite?"

"No," said Nephrite. "Metalia kind of creeps me out."

"Zoisite?" asked Jed.

"No," said Zoisite. He left it at that.

"Fine then," said Jadeite. He finished his rice crispy treat and took out a handkerchief, wiping his mouth.

"Mmm, yummy in my tummy," he said.

He headed down the hall to Metalia's chambers.

"What the hell is this?!" he demanded.

Connecting Metalia's chambers to the rest of the Negaverse was a rickety wooden bridge over the abyss.

"Oh," said Nephrite appearing next to him. "The Negaverse was remodeled recently. You might find that your dark space is a couple halls down from where it used to be."

"NO!" yelled Jadeite. "It was already a mile walk to Beryl's throne room!"

"Be careful on the bridge," warned Kunzite appearing beside him as well.

"Yeah," said Zoisite. "Don't trip and drop the crystal."

"Psshhhhh," scoffed Jadeite. "Who do you take me for? I'm one of Beryl's elite!"

With that, he took a step onto the bridge.

The piece of the wood he stepped on fell into the abyss, and Jadeite's foot took a dive.

He panicked and threw the crystal.

"JADEITE!" cried the Shitennou.

However, the crystal hadn't fallen into the abyss yet. It had landed further down the bridge.

"Jadeite, go get it!" yelled Nephrite.

"You go get it!" cried Jadeite, hanging onto the bridge for dear life.

He started to shake.

"Stop shaking!" yelled Kunzite. "You're shaking the bridge and the crystal's gonna fall!"

"Alright, I'll get it," sighed Nephrite.

He went to take a step onto the bridge, but another piece of wood fell.

"Nevermind," said Nephrite.

"Wait a minute, I'll just fly and pick it up!" realized Kunzite. "Something we're all capable of!"

He began hovering towards the crystal, but the power of Metalia's chambers nearby along with the power radiating from the abyss was messing with his magic, and he dropped like a stone, taking Jed with him.

"AHHH!" cried Jadeite as he fell with Kunzite attached to him.

He reached out and grabbed a piece of rock on the edge of the cliff that the bridge was attached to, since they had only made it one step.

Kunzite used his upper-body strength to climb up as Jed was wrapped around him.

"What a work-out," said Kunzite.

The Shitennou were at a stand-still.

Suddenly Zoisite had an idea. "You guys aren't using your heads," he said. "I'll use my telepathic powers to float it over here!"

"Oh yeah," said Jadeite. "I forgot we could do that."

"We forget a lot of things," noted Nephrite.

Zoisite began to levitate the crystal over.

"This is just like the rainbow crystal days," he reminisced.

He caught the crystal in his hand.

"Easy does it," said Zoisite.

Suddenly Jadeite felt dizzy from his brush with death.

He collapsed into Zoisite, knocking him to the floor.

The crystal rolled to the very edge of the cliff.

Jadeite sprung to life and dove for it. He snatched it right as it rolled off the edge.

"Phew!" said Jadeite.

"Someone take that from him!" yelled Kunzite.

He walked towards Jed, and Jadeite panicked and threw the crystal into the abyss.

"JADEITE!" cried the Shitennou.

"AHHHH!" yelled Jadeite. "We have to go down there and get it!"

"No one goes into the abyss and survives," said Nephrite. "That would be suicide."

"Hey guys!" yelled Metalia from her chamber. "What's taking so long to bring me that crystal? What's going on out there? Am I going to have to kill you?!"

"Abyss it is," said Nephrite.

"But we can't float down," reminded Kunzite. "I tried to float but I dropped like a stone, and I have 8x more power than each of you!"

"Is that a canon power level multiplier?" asked Zoisite.

"Yes," lied Kunzite. "It's from an interview with the creator."

"Source?"

"None," stated Kunzite.

"I found an elevator!" announced Nephrite.

"Good work, Neph!" said Jed.

With that, they stepped in the elevator.

"What floor?" Jadeite asked.

"No," said Kunzite. "You're taking the stairs."

"But whyyyy?"

"Because this is your fault!"

"D'ah," said Jadeite heading towards the stairs.

The elevator door started to close, and Jadeite dashed back, turned two-dimensional and threw himself in.

"Darn," said Kunzite. "But there's nothing we can do."

The only floors were "Life" and "Death." They were already on the "Life" floor, so they hit the down button.

They began to descend to a hell deeper than hell.

The elevator was made of glass, and they could only watch as horrors flew by.

They saw their own kid selves in an elevator riding down next to them, and then their kid selves looked at them with blood-eyes and exploded.

"AHHHH!" shrieked Zoisite. He started hyperventilating.

"That's not even scary," scoffed Nephrite.

Zoisite threw a backhand his way, and Nephrite tossed one right back.

Kunzite backhanded Nephrite.

"Hey guys, stop!" said Jadeite.

He received several backhands.

Outside the elevator soon just became flashing colors, and then something that looked like that time Kunzite tried to warp Sailor Moon and Co. to another dimension but the Silver Crystal hit his hand and they were warped through time and space.

They also saw bolts of lightning but none of them could come up with a scientific reason for where the lightning was coming from.

Clocks started to fly by and get warped, and then calendars.

Suddenly there was a jump scare and a grandfather clock flew at them and made a loud sound when it hit the elevator.

Zoisite shrieked and went into fetal position because he couldn't handle it.

Jadeite was trying his best to look cool, but it wasn't coming off as cool.

The elevator sped rapidly, and when it came to a halt they all flew up and hit the ceiling.

"Oww," said Nephrite.

They had finally reached the bottom.

The doors opened.

"What… what is this place?!" cried Jed.

* * *

They looked around to find themselves in some wacky dimension, the details of which are left up to the reader's imagination.

"This is spooky," said Nephrite.

"This reminds me of the time I did shrooms," commented Zoisite.

"When was this?" asked Kunzite.

"You weren't there," said Zoisite. "In it was in my college days, when me and my roommate Yuuichiro went camping for a week. It was all back in the summer of 1882."

"Okay that's enough," said Kunzite. "Let's just find that crystal and get out of here. This place is giving me the heebie jeebies."

"Hey, me too," agreed Jadeite.

"Jadeite, your body!" cried Kunzite.

Everyone turned to Jadeite to see that his spirit, which was a transparent version of himself, was floating a couple inches outside his body.

Suddenly another transparent copy floated out of that copy of Jed.

"This is trippy!" said all the Jeds.

Nephrite slapped him on the back and he went back into his body.

"I wanna go home!" cried Jed.

They all took off in a mad sprint.

But suddenly, Nephrite looked down and his legs were no longer legs, they were just black and white outlines. He looked at his hands and saw similar results.

"AHHH!" cried Nephrite. He turned to see the other Shitennou were all facing similar fates.

Jed was an oil sketch, Zoisite looked like a 1920s film projection, and Kunzite's colors were inverted.

"You look good with black hair," commented Nephrite.

"Can it, sketch boy!" barked Kunzite.

"What's up with these Sony Vegas 6 aftereffects?" demanded Zoisite.

"I wouldn't know," said Kunzite. "I only have version 5."

"Umm… guys?!" cried Jadeite.

He was getting stretched out horizontally like a rubber-band.

"Haha, you look so fat," laughed Zoisite.

Suddenly Zoisite turned into the swirl effect. "HEEEEEELP!" he cried.

Kunzite ran over, but suddenly he realized he was attached to the floor. He sprung back into his spot like a spring and continued to bounce around like a bobble head.

That's when Jadeite suddenly started to become 6-dimensional.

He let out a shriek. "I can see time!" he cried.

"Look!" said Nephrite. "There's a door up ahead! Keep running!"

However, as they started running towards the door, it appeared they were getting further away.

"We have to catch it!" yelled Kunzite.

He used his newly acquired spring powers to spring for the door.

But the door sidestepped and took off in the other direction.

The Shitennou chased after it while they flashed through different Movie Maker effects.

"It hurts!" cried Zoisite.

Suddenly Jadeite turned into a puzzle and all his pieces fell to the floor.

"Is he… dead?!" cried Neph.

"I don't think so," said Jed.

"How is he talking?" wondered Zoisite.

They looked up to see a giant Jadeite cloud.

"Come down here!" yelled Kunzite.

"I can't!" cried Jed. "I'm too floaty! It's like my head's full of helium!"

Kunzite leapt up, but halfway up he dropped down like a stone and shattered like glass.

Zoisite took out a dust pan and picked up the pieces of Kunzite, putting him in a jar.

"Looks like it's up to me to catch Jed," realized Nephrite.

He began to stretch his body upwards, but it wasn't working.

"Sorry Jed," he said. "You're going to have to come down as rain."

"I don't know how to do that," said Jadeite sadly.

Suddenly Nephrite got an idea. He realized everything was backwards in the abyss, so he reached into the ground and his hand appeared in the sky.

He grabbed cloud Jed and pulled him down to Earth where he became a puddle.

"Hmm," said Zoisite. "I don't have another jar and I don't think Kunzite wants Jadeite in here."

"Don't let him in!" yelled a muffled Kunzite.

"I know!" said Nephrite. He spawned a hair dryer and blew it on puddle Jed until he became a gas.

He reverted back to his regular self except made out of gas.

"I can get used to this!" said Jed. "I'm like Metalia!"

"Hey look, the door let its guard down!" realized Neph. He ran up and tackled the door, and it became a trapdoor.

They leapt down.

* * *

They fell for hours, or it felt like it, anyway.

Time didn't really work where they were.

Finally they landed on a giant moon bounce.

"I think we're back to normal," said Kunzite, dusting himself off.

"That was scary," said Jadeite. "Hold me."

"No," said Kunzite.

They slid down the bouncy house slide, and they continued to wander on.

Ten hours later, they encountered a new obstacle.

They were suddenly underwater!

"I'm drowning," stated Jadeite sadly.

"We know," gurgled Nephrite.

"Let's swim up," suggested Zoisite. However the top of the water was nowhere to be found.

"D'ah," said Kunzite. "Good thing we don't have to breathe since we lived on the moon."

"Well actually," said Nephrite but Kunzite slugged him.

But it had no effect because of the water pressure.

"Hey look, a sand bar!" noticed Jed. "We must climb it!"

They climbed up the sand until they had the reached the surface. They were on some sort of island. They spotted a door in the distance, and took off after it.

They ran down the shore in a mad sprint.

"Jadeite!" cried Kunzite. "Whatever you do, don't look back!"

"Huh?!" said Jadeite. He looked back.

"No!" cried Kunzite. He, Nephrite, and Zoisite turned to dust before Jadeite's very eyes.

"NOOOO!" cried Jadeite. "I shouldn't have looked back!"

* * *

Jadeite awoke in a mad sweat.

"Are we home?" he asked.

"No," said Zoisite. "We're still in the abyss."

"Damn," said Jadeite. "I was certain this would have all been a dream."

"Hey, let's climb this sandbar," said Neph.

"NOOOOO!" yelled Jadeite. "We don't need to breathe, so let's just keep swimming."

They swam for days, or it felt like it anyway.

Suddenly they found themselves trapped in a room the size of a closet.

"Oof," said Nephrite. "Move your elbow!"

"That's your elbow, Wiseguy!" said Zoisite.

"Boys, calm down," said Kunzite.

Jadeite started to pant. "I can't stand tight spaces!"

He started throwing blows, and he socked Nephrite right in the chops, and Zoisite in the gut.

"Why you little-!" Nephrite kicked Jed as hard as he could, and he flew through the wall like it was made of paper, creating an opening.

The Shitennou entered the next room.

"Well howdy doody!" howled Motoki with glee.

"Oh, it's you again," said Nephrite. "What are you doing in the abyss?"

"Well golly!" said Motok. "I fell down here… what was it?" He looked at his dashes on the wall. "20 years ago! And I've waited all this time for someone to come save me! And at long last, someone found me! Staying alive all this time was worth it after all!"

Kunzite ended Motoki's story. "We don't have time for this," he said. "Let's keep moving."

They continued walking through the room, but it was getting smaller.

"Oh no…!" said Jed readying his fists.

When they got to the door, they had to crawl.

"Ugh why am I in front," complained Zoisite. He felt around the wall. "It feels warm," he said nervously.

He used his powers to make a light.

"RAAAAAATS!" he cried.

The Shitennou took off crawling in a mad crawl.

"AHHHHHHHHHH!" shrieked Zoisite.

"Wait a minute," said Nephrite. He shot fire ending the rats.

"Zoisite, what's your problem?" asked Nephrite. "Did you forget about your powers again?

"It's okay," said Jadeite. "It happens to me sometimes."

They crawled to the light at the end of the tunnel.

"What is this room?!" asked Kunzite. "It feels vaguely familiar."

"I know this place!" gasped Zoisite. "This is Mamoru Chiba's living room!"

"How did we end up here?" asked Jed.

"I don't know…" said Nephrite slowly. That's when he spotted the Silver Crystal, sitting on Mamoru's coffee table.

He dashed over and leapt at it.

But it was just an illusion, and the room transformed into a dark space.

"Oh boy!" cried Jed. "Am I home?! Wait a minute, this splotch right here is blue instead of red. We're still in the void!"

A shadowy figure entered the room.

"What is that?!" demanded Kunzite, getting a bit nervous.

"A shadowing figure," stated Nephrite plainly. "Of unknown power level."

"I'll be its opponent!" yelled Jadeite.

He shot lightning at it, but it went through it like a shadowy figure.

"Aha, so we're going to do this the hard way," sneered Jadeite. "Very well then."

He ran up and started throwing rapid kicks at the shadowy figure. But they had no effect.

"None of his kicks seem to be landing," observed Zoisite.

"Jadeite is a weakling," said Kunzite. "Let me take a crack at this!"

But before he could, the shadowy figure threw a blow, and Jadeite was launched and hit the invisible barrier. He dropped to the ground.

"Nephrite, tag in!" cried Jed.

Nephrite spawned two blades. "Comin' atcha!" he yelled.

He charged at the speed of light. However, the shadowy figure threw a blow, and Nephrite was on the ground.

"Is that all you got?!" mocked Nephrite, coughing in pain. He stood up and threw a punch. But he missed by a mile.

"None of his punches seem to be landing!" observed Zoisite.

"Nephrite is a weakling," reminded Kunzite.

"What is this thing?!" barked Nephrite. "It's just a shadowy blob! Is this Metalia's cousin?!"

The shadowy figure took offense to that, and threw a blow, sending Nephrite into the wall.

"Maybe we should do something before it comes to us, instead of just standing here," figured Zoisite.

"Nephrite's not finished yet," said Kunzite.

But Nephrite was finished.

The shadowy figure approached Kunzite.

Kunzite stepped in front of Zoisite and extended his arm.

"Stay behind me!" he said. "I won't let it get to you!"

The figure appeared behind Zoisite and threw a blow.

"Owww!" cried Zoisite getting tossed into a pillar.

Zoisite was down for the count.

"Dammit," said Kunzite. "You went down even faster than Jadeite."

"Thanks," said Zoisite angrily.

"Alright," said Kunzite. "Time for me to take a crack at this!"

He started charging up. But the shadowy figure wouldn't have that, and threw a blow.

Kunzite dodged with his advanced power level, and got the shadowy figure by its shadowy neck.

"This ends here," he said.

The shadowy figure faded away in order to escape.

"Yeah, that's right, buddy boy!" taunted Kunzite. "You better run!"

It returned for one second to throw a blow at Kunzite, taking him down a notch, and then fled for the hills.

"That oughtta teach that punk!" said Kunzite, but only in his head.

He looked down on the ground, and found that the shadowy figure had dropped the Silver Crystal.

"Aha!" he said.

He dragged the other Shitennou to the elevator, and hit the up arrow.

But it was already pressed.

"What the…?" asked Kunzite.

Suddenly they all turned into children, and exploded.

* * *

"Drat!" said Jadeite in hell. "We were so close!"

"What will we tell Beryl?" asked Kunzite.

"We can tell her to eat our dust," suggested Zoisite.

They left it at that.

* * *

Queen Beryl kept calling and calling them but there was no response.

"Are you serious?!" demanded Beryl. "Where is Jadeite and the crystal!? He was supposed to take it to Metalia 140 years ago! What gives?!"

Suddenly she spotted a trail of footprints leading to the abyss.

She followed them. "I guess I have to take this elevator down," she inferred.

Kenji appeared and agreed to go with her.

Neither were ever seen again.

Endymion became the king of the Negaverse, being the last remaining member.

FIN


	158. Beryl's New Rules

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

Beryl spit out her rice crispy treat. "Who said you could come in here?!"

"You told me to report my new source today at 10:03am," said Jadeite sadly.

"You have a lot to learn," explained Beryl.

Jadeite nodded sadly in agreement. "That is true I'm afraid."

Suddenly Kenji, Nephrite, and Zoisite entered the room

"Queen Beryl!" howled Kenji. "These teenagers won't leave me alone!"

"Is that true, boys?" demanded Beryl. "You ought to know better than to harass poor Kenji!"

"WHAT?! NO!" howled Nephrite. "That's what we came here to talk to you about! This old man is following us everywhere and telling us to donate to help him pay for Shingo's braces!"

"Queen Beryl," said Kenji. "My lil' boy needs straighter teeth. Would you like to make a donation?"

"Of course, Kenji!" Beryl pulled out her wallet and gave Kenji a twenty.

Kenji kept his hand extended. "Braces are $1,000," he said angrily.

"Nephrite, do you have any money?" Beryl asked.

"Yes but I planned on using this money on the snack machine by Jadeite's house," Nephrite explained looking in his wallet.

Beryl took his wallet with her psychic powers and dumped the 500 single bills into Kenji's hands.

Kenji's hands remained extended. He was waiting but he was getting inpatient.

"Zoisite!" howled Beryl. "Do your part!"

"I don't have any money," stated Zoisite.

"What's that in your pocket?!" demanded Beryl using her money vision powers.

"Kunzite's money," explained Zoisite. "Not mine sorry."

Beryl opened her mouth like a vacuum and absorbed the money and handed it to Kenj.

"Arigato!" said Kenji, bowing. "I'm off."

"I hope Shingo enjoys his braces!" called Beryl as Kenji left.

He did not turn around or reply.

Kunzite teleported in moments later.

"Hey boys"

"Kunzite! That guy who hangs around the Negaverse stole all your money!"

"WHAT?! NO!"

"Zoisite!" yelled Beryl. "He didn't steal it! It was a donation to buy his son braces! Do the right thing every now and then, huh?!"

Kunzite glared at Beryl. "You do realize he's using it to buy a toaster, right?"

"At least he didn't take my money" said Jadeite

"You have no money after that time with the gym and also that time with the boat," reminded Beryl.

"That boat was just an illusion!" Jadeite tried to explain

"Yeah right," scoffed Beryl. "Kunzite, what was that about a toaster…?"

"Everyone knows Kenji doesn't care about Shingo," Kunzite groaned.

The other three gasped coming to realization.

"Everyone knows that Kenji's favorite meal is toast," continued Kunzite "So it isn't hard to believe that he would spend the money on a toaster!"

Beryl started to sputter. "But that would mean… No! No way Kenji would ever lie to me!"

The Shitennou looked at each other.

"What should we do?" asked Jed. "Kenji is all Beryl has left…!"

"We can't let that punk keep manipulating her!" insisted Nephrite. "That sick bastard doesn't care about anything but himself! He's an outright psychopath!"

Suddenly they heard Kenji outside the throne room.

"Guess what! I just copped tons of money from Beryl! What a fool she is ho ho ho!"

"Good work, Kenji," complemented Endymion. "What are you gonna spend the dough on?"

Kenji laughed. "What do you think, ho ho? A new toaster! Hohohohoho!"

Beryl's world was shattered in two.

The Shittenou nervously exchanged glances.

"If you'll excuse me, I've got some thinking to do." Beryl walked away without saying anything more.

She walked into her chambers and sat on her room throne.

"Kenji…" she whispered. "Kenji….."

* * *

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite at Beryl's door. "I found a new source of energy!"

Beryl did not reply.

"QUEEN BERYL!" yelled Jadeite. "I FOUND A-"

Beryl slammed open the door sending Jadeite flying into the abyss.

He teleported back up, panting. "Queen Beryl! I found-"

Beryl slammed the door shut.

The other three Shittenou arrived at Beryl's door.

"So…" began Nephrite. "Does this mean we don't have to do work?"

"Nephrite!" yelled Jadeite. "We always have to do work! It is our duty!"

"Nephrite hasn't worked a day in his life!" taunted Zoisite.

"What part of, not my arc yet did you not understand?!" howled Neph.

"Let's all go to Vegas," suggested Kunzite.

Suddenly Beryl emerged from her room. No one could see her eyes because there was a shadow, but no one was sure where it was coming from.

"I think she is upset" whispered Jadeite

"Yes, can't you tell from the shadow blocking her eyes?" Nephrite, being very familiar with anime, whispered back.

Beryl cleared her throat angrily. "There are going to be some changes around here, due to some recent events you might be aware of."

"Is this about Kenji?" asked Zoisite.

Beryl ended Zoisite.

Kunzite didn't try to argue because he knew what Zoisite did was foolish.

"If I ever hear that word spoken again," said Beryl softly but dangerously.

"What, Kenji?" asked Jadeite.

Beryl wiped Jed off the face of the Negaverse.

"Any more questions?"

Nephrite and Kunzite shook their heads.

"First order of business," she continued as if nothing had happened. "The snack machine will stop functioning after business hours."

Nephrite fell to his knees. "WHAT?! NO! That's the only time I use it! WHY, Queen Beryl?!"

"Secondly, no being gay!"

It was Kunzite's turn to become enraged. "That's discrimination!"

Zoisite was so shocked that he suddenly came back to life. "I won't stand for this!"

Queen Beryl ignored their pleas. "In addition, no more saying the following words: 'I,' 'found,' 'a,' 'new,' 'source,' 'of,' or 'energy.' If I hear any of those words you will sleep outside for one month.

Jadeite respawned in shock as well. "I… I don't understand!" he cried.

Queen Beryl tossed him into the arctic for saying 'I.'"

"This is an outrage!" howled Nephrite.

Beryl tossed Nephrite into the arctic.

"I SAID 'AN' NOT 'A'!" he yelled banging on the door.

"Same thing," said Beryl.

Kunzite and Zoisite looked at each other, trying to find a way to ask Beryl to back off.

She threw them out into the arctic.

"I said no being gay!" she howled.

"What will we do now?" asked Jadeite climbing out of the snow.

Beryl threw a book out the window nailing Jed. "This is the rest of the rules. Read up on them because there will be a quiz on it tomorrow!"  
Nephrite opened the book and read some rules. "WHAT IS THIS, AUSTRALIAN RULESSSSSSS?!"

"Nephrite, no!" cried Jed. "The book specifically says we're not allowed to ask if this is Australian rules!"

"THEN HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO EXPRESS MY BEWILDERMENT?!" he howled furiously.

"What a shame," said Zoisite sadly. "Looks like it's finally time to kill Queen Beryl."

"That's not an option," said Kunzite. "With the loss of… you know who, she's become too bloodlusted for me to defeat. All of her feats have been multiplied by 100!"

"What feats?" asked Jadeite.

Kunzite gasped. "Jadeite! You're not allowed to use feats when comparing two characters anymore! It's in the rule book."  
"Then how are we supposed to compare characters in hypothetical battles?!" demanded Nephrite. "That's what I do while I'm waiting at the vending machine!"

"Really?" asked Zoisite. "Then you must know that OPM could beat Goku."

"WHAT?!" howled Nephrite. "One Punch Man is a gag character! He's not even a planet buster! Goku however is probably a galaxy buster in his god form!"

"No," said Zoisite. "I'm going to need some proof of that. Anime doesn't count!"

Nephrite pulled out his manga collection. "Here we go. In Dragon Ball Super volume 8, page 59-"

Queen Beryl appeared and killed Nephrite. "I said no comparing feats!"

She turned to the others. "Let Nephrite's fate be a warning. You all better study for that quiz tomorrow, or else I'll erase you permanently!"

"Metalia will just revive us," noted Jadeite to the others.

"No," said Queen Beryl. "It says in the rules that you can't revive anyone. Metalia wouldn't dare break a rule!"

"Wait," said Kunzite. "So you're holding Metalia to these rules as well?"

"Yes," said Beryl.

"Interesting," said Kunzite. "Interesting…"

"Say that one more time and you're dead, check the rules!" howled Beryl. She teleported away.

"Does this mean Nephrite is gone for good?" asked Zoisite giddily.

"I'm afraid so," said Jadeite.

"Wow, I finally killed Nephrite. GG."

"Be careful, Zoisite," warned Kunzite. "Some might call that a feat. Don't speak of it again."

"Don't worry," said Zoisite. "Everyone knows I'm featless."

"Not necessarily," said Kunzite trying to make him feel better. "You overpowered Tuxedo Mask in a battle of pure strength. Not only that, you even took Grandpa down on only your second try! Further-"

"No Kunzite, I have no feats!" cried Zoisite, worried for Kunzite's life.

"What about that time you defeated Motoki and-"

Beryl hit Kunzite's off-button and he was no more.

"NO!" cried Zoisite. "I tried to stop him! Beryl, that didn't count! Those weren't real feats, really!"

"Zoisite," said Beryl. "What did it say in the rulebook about addressing me?"

Zoisite yelped. "Sorry Queen Beryl-sama."

"Hmph," said Beryl. She left again.

"Jadeite, we gotta finish her off so Metalia could revive Kunzite!"

"And Nephrite!" recalled Jadeite.

"Eh, I- I mean- uhhh!" Zoisite started panicking because he remembered he couldn't say I. "Jadeite," said Zoisite. "Do you remember the words you cannot say?"

"Yes," said Jadeite. "I remember."

"JADEITE!" howled Zoisite. Zoisite looked around, but did not see Beryl.  
"Her enforcement of the rules seem to be inconsistent. We can use this to our advantage."

"So what's the plan?" asked Jed.

"First we're gonna read this rule book inside and out, and we'll find some loopholes," said Zoisite.

"Then what?" asked Jed.

"Then we'll get to live another day and someday make the plan maybe!"

"Sounds good," said Jadeite.

They went their separate ways.

* * *

Jadeite and Zoisite reported to Beryl's throne room.

"Queen Beryl!" howled Jadeite.

"NO!" cried Zoisite, covering Jadeite's mouth.

"Wow, thanks," said Jadeite. "Jadeite was about to say every bad word in order!"

"Zoisite doesn't want to be left alone with Beryl," said Zoisite.

Beryl narrowed her eyes. "You two are treading on thin ice. So what do you have to report?"

Jadeite stared blankly. "Jadeite… discovered… the… latest…"

He turned to Zoisite. "What's another word for… you know, the 's' word that's in my daily announcement?"

Zoisite thought for a moment. "We have nothing to report, Queen Beryl-sama!"

"Ok, then take a seat at the desks," said Beryl.

"What are we doing?" asked Jadeite.

"The quiz, remember?"

"Shit," said Jadeite. "Jadeite forgot to read the book. Zoisite, can Jadeite cop some answers?"

"No wandering eyes," said Beryl. "That's a rule in the book. Now put your cellphones in the bin."

"I don't have one," said Jadeite.

Beryl looked at him. He realized what he did.

Beryl tossed Jadeite out into the arctic.

Zoisite pulled out his Android phone to put in the bin.

"What is this?" demanded Beryl.

Zoisite went to begin with 'a' but could not. "My Android phone," he stated. "It is much better than Apple so it is the company to go with."

Beryl tossed Zoisite out into the arctic.

"Right," recalled Zoisite. "The rulebook said that Apple is better than Android."

Beryl tossed their desks outside and they both hit Jed.

"If you don't get 100%, it's game over!" she called.

Jadeite stared at the quiz.

"This is tough," he thought.

He read the first question in his head. "No eating fruits from _ pm to _ pm, except for green apples."

"Shit," thought Jadeite. "It's free response! I thought it would be a multiple choice!"

Beryl swooped down from above and tossed Jadeite further into the arctic. "No thinking 'I,' either!"

"Drat," said Jed. "Oh well, Jadeite guesses he will just wing this quiz like he did in high school. But gosh, each question is like taking shots in the dark!"

"No metaphors!" howled Beryl, tossing him further into the arctic.

"Actually that was a simile!"

"No saying 'a!'" reminded Beryl, tossing him back to his desk.

"Thank you," said Jadeite.

"Only five minutes left!" shouted Beryl.

Zoisite was working diligently but Jadeite had not gotten far.

Zoisite looked over, and by Jadeite's forlorn expression, he could tell that Jadeite had taken his final bow.

"Jadeite is a candle flicking in the wind," thought Zoisite sadly.

Beryl tossed him for the metaphor but he had already finished the test.

Beryl collected his quiz and then went for Jadeite.

"Wait!" said Jadeite. "I'm not done!"

Beryl tossed him and took the quiz. "I'll have them graded in a few minutes!" called Beryl.

Jadeite conveniently landed next to Zoisite.

"Oww," said Jed. "Say, what percent did we need to get on that quiz again?"

"100," said Zoisite.

"Maybe she's grading it off the questions we completed," thought Jadeite hopelessly.

Beryl teleported them into her throne room.

She scanned Jadeite's paper for five seconds.

"Jadeite," said Beryl. "You didn't complete all the questions."

"I'm sorry, Queen Beryl-sama," said Jadeite.

Beryl ended Jadeite.

"Zoisite," said Beryl. "You slipped by, barely getting a 100."

Zoisite sighed in relief.

"There will be a quiz tomorrow on the new rules book," reminded Beryl. "Be sure to study."

"Yes, Queen Beryl-sama," said Zoisite.

He left Queen Beryl's throne room and dashed towards Metalia.

"She's our only hope!" he thought desperately.

As he ran, he spotted a stop sign.

"What the hell?" he thought and kept running.

He turned around and saw Beryl soaring after him. "You broke a rule!" she yelled. "You must always stop at stop signs! PUNISHMENT IS DEATH!"

Zoisite knew it was all or nothing so he decided to give Beryl a piece of his mind.

"Beryl!" he barked. "I'm not afraid of you! Your only feat was putting a crippled Jadeite into eternal sleep, and not even killing me right away with a blast after I got hit with the Moon Wand!"

Beryl's eyes were blood-lusted.

"It's over, Zoisite!" she yelled. "Just accept your death!"

"NEEEEEEEEEEVER!" howled Zoisite.

"No howling!" yelled Beryl. "That's three death sentences!"

Zoisite knew he wouldn't be able to keep running at this speed without catching his breath, so he thought fast and shot a burst of light, blinding Beryl.

He leapt into the second nearest closet and shut the door, panting.

Zoisite was about to let out a sigh of relief, when he heard footsteps.

"Oh no, oh man," he thought in a hot sweat.

Beryl opened up the door.

Zoisite buried himself in the coats.

Beryl took one look around the closet and shut the door.

"Phew," said Zoisite out loud.

"No saying the word 'phew,'" said Beryl, opening the door and then shutting it.

"Hey wait a minute!" realized Beryl.

Zoisite slid out under her feet, or tried to, anyway. He forgot she was wearing a dress and got caught within her gown.

"HEY!" howled Beryl. "Were you trying to get a panty shot?! I need to add that to the rulebook!"

"Yuck, no way!" scoffed Zoisite. "Now if it were a boxer shot…"

"No being gay!" yelled Beryl.

Zoisite skittered out like a cat and kept running.

Beryl wasn't used to this level of physical activity, and wished she had participated more in gym class.

She took her heels off and chased after Zoisite on foot.

Beryl turned the corner and Zoisite was gone. "Where'd he go?" she demanded.

Beryl leaned against Nephrite's vending machine to catch her breath.

"That Zoisite's a swift one," she panted.

Zoisite, who was hiding behind the vending machine, tipped it over on her.

"That oughtta do it!" cheered Zoisite. "No one with lame feats like hers could survive that!"

"NO COMPARING FEATS!" howled Beryl, bursting out of the vending and ending it in the process.

Zoisite knew it would be no use trying to run with Beryl this close. He had to use his strong suit, his quick wits, to try to calm down the beast.

"Easy now, Beryl," said Zoisite.

Beryl growled.

"Hey, no growling!" said Zoisite. "It's in the rules!"

"I made the rules!" shouted Beryl.

"OOO!" said Zoisite. "You can't say 'I'!"

"Yes I can!" insisted Beryl. "I don't have to abide by my own rules!"

She spawned a huge black crystal, and swung it like a sword.

Zoisite leapt 20 feet back.

"We know you're doing this because you're hurt from what Kenji did!" shouted Zoisite.

Beryl took several steps forward.

"But this won't bring your trust in Kenji back! If he really cares about you, he'd want to earn it back!"

Beryl took several steps forward.

"But he doesn't! Kenij doesn't love you, Beryl! And you have to get over it! You can't just live your whole life- It's ready!"

He shot his crystal from behind Beryl and nailed her right in the spinal cord.

She toppled over.

"LOLOLOLOLOL!" yelled Zoisite running away.

"No saying LOL in real life!" moaned Beryl, passing out.

* * *

"Queen Metalia-sama!" cried Zoisite. "Beryl's gone out of control!"

"Metalia knows," said Metalia. "But there is nothing she can do."

"What?! You're stronger than her!"

"Metalia isn't allowed to compare feats, so she's not sure about that," stated Metalia. "The thing is, Metalia is only in her 30% form."

"Hmmm," said Zoisite.

Suddenly Beryl ran in.

Zoisite was backed into a corner. He was all out of options.

"Guess it's time to take my chances," decided Zoisite comparing his and Beryl's feats. "Beryl did get defeated by Tuxedo Mask, whereas I however-"

"NO COMPARING FEATS!" shouted Beryl charging.

Zoisite charged too.

There was a flash of light, and they both stood still for 20 seconds.

Then Zoisite dropped like a stone.

"Hmm," said Metalia out loud. "I'm not so sure about that. According to Zoisite's feats, that might have been a much closer fight…"

Beryl turned to Metalia. "NO, COMPARING, FEEEEAAAAATS!"

She charged Metalia, and Metalia was backed into a corner and also could not move if she wanted her.

Beryl leapt at her but was suddenly obliterated by Metalia's superior power.

"Wow," said Metalia. "I guess that's why it's important to compare feats!"

Beryl's corpse sprung to life and took out Metalia.

"WHAT?!" yelled Metalia. "That's impossible! The feeeeeeeeeeeats!"

Metalia thought of what would be a good line to go out on. "Metalia-sama!" she cried and was no more.

Beryl dusted off her gown. "No comparing feats," she repeated.

Without the comparison of feats, she had plot armor on her side, and was able to defeat all the sailor scouts.

However without Metalia she had no one who could use the Silver Crystal, and decided to kill herself and take Kenji with her.

Endymion was once again the last survivor but all the scouts were dead so he decided to move in with Motoki and be roommates for the rest of their college years.


	159. Jed Gets a Woofer

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Jadeite, what is that mongrel by your side?"

Jadeite gasped in horror. "That's no mongrel! That's my new woofer!"

"No pets in the Negaverse!" barked Beryl angrily.

"How come your pet Kunzite's allowed here?" demanded Jadeite.

Kunzite appeared at the sound of his name. "What was that, pipsqueak?"

He picked up Jadeite by the scruff of the neck and tossed him out into the arctic.

His woofer dashed after him.

"Aww, thanks woofer," said Jadeite, touched that his woofer followed him. "Come on boy, let's go home."

* * *

Jadeite settled in his dark space with his woofer by his side.

"Goodnight woofer," said Jadeite.

The pup woofed back at him in agreement.

Jadeite fell asleep.

Suddenly the woofer smelled someone out in the hall and unlocked the door and left.

Nephrite sat at the soda machine. "Would you like some more tea?" he asked the soda machine.

It didn't respond so he poured it some more tea.

That's when Jed's woofer ran up and knocked over all the teacups.

"RRRRR, BACK OFF!" barked Nephrite.

The woofer barked right back and they got into a barking match.

The match lasted all night, until Zoisite threw a shoe at them.

"PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO SLEEP IN THIS NEGAVERSE!" he shouted. "I'm filing a complaint!"

"This isn't my pup!" barked Nephrite, his throat sore by now.

"Then whose is it?"

"I don't know. He might be a stray."

Suddenly Jed opened his door. "That's no pup! That's a woofer! And it's MY woofer!"

"That's the same thing," said Zoisite.

Jed shook his head. "You have a lot to learn."

He took his woofer inside. "Good boy," he said.

Nephrite growled and went back to Earth.

* * *

"Jadeite," said Queen Beryl. "There's been some complaints about your woofer. It's been keeping the whole Negaverse awake with its loud barking."

"I think you mean woofing, my queen."

"Jadeite, that beast can't stay here," stated Beryl.

"Then farewell," said Jadeite. He put his woofer on his back and bicycled out of the Negaverse.

"Come on boy, we'll find a new home."

* * *

Jadeite tried numerous apartment complexes, however they either didn't allow woofers, or kicked him out once his woofer started disturbing the neighbors.

"I need a place far from civilization," he decided. "One in a spooky forest, on a hill. Oh look, a spooky forest, on a hill!"

Jadeite set up camp and soon built an entire house from scratch.

Nephrite walked outside to get his newspaper, and on his front porch was a house.

"HEY!" shouted Nephrite.

Suddenly Jadeite's woofer dashed outside and into Nephrite's house.

He tore up the place, while Nephrite chased after him barking.

The woofer left and went home.

"JADEITE!" howled Nephrite pounding on the door.

Jadeite answered the door.

"Hey Nephrite, are you here to throw me a housewarming party?"

"Jadeite, you can't live here!" shouted Nephrite.

"Why not?" asked Jed.

"It's that woofer of yours! He tore my house to shreds! I can't use my stars anymore, since they have been torn to pieces!"

"He's a just a woofer," explained Jadeite. "He doesn't know better!"

"Then train him!" shouted Nephrite.

"I'm sorry but that won't do. He's a purebred woofer."

"SO?!" yelled Nephrite. "That doesn't mean you can't train him!"

"Tell it to the New York Times," said Jadeite closing the door.

Nephrite was enraged.

He chain locked his door and glued shut all his windows so the woofer could not get in again.

The woofer stood outside Nephrite's door, patrolling the house and making sure he could not leave.

Nephrite, with no other options, called Zoisite for help.

"Help, Zoisite!" he said on the phone. "The woofer is camping my house!"

Zoisite, who was on Nephrite's sofa, turned around. "This isn't good. Maybe if we give it some food it will go away."

"Does Jed not feed it or something?" thought Nephrite.

He looked out the glued window to see Jed throwing it a bone.

"He's not hungry so what does he want?!" cried Nephrite.

"Maybe he needs affection," considered Zoisite.

He opened the door. "Want to be pet, woofer?"

The woofer knocked him over and dashed into the house.

It jammed a bookshelf in front of the door and then charged Nephrite.

There was nothing they could do so Nephrite and Zoisite moved out.

Nephrite had to take over Jadeite's old space until he got back on his feet.

Zoisite moved back into Kunzite's castle.

"Where have you been?" asked Kunzite.

"I moved out because Jadeite's woofer was so loud that it was keeping the whole Negaverse awake, but he follows me wherever I go! It's like he's got a radar lock on me!"

"Hmm," said Kunzite. "Jadeite told me about those. Let's hope the woofer doesn't come back."

* * *

Jadeite wanted to get his woofer back, but all Neph's windows were glued shut and the woofer had put a bookshelf in front of the door.

He had to end Nephrite's house.

"Come here boy," he said, and his woofer dashed over and licked him happily.

"Good work," said Jed. He tossed him some treats.

The woofer kept looking at him.

"What?" asked Jed. "I'm all out of treats!"

The woofer dashed off.

"Hey, come back here, woofer!" cried Jed.

He chased after the woofer into the woods, but soon lost sight of him.

"WOOFER!" he yelled. "I'M SORRY!"

Suddenly he heard a growl, and hesitantly turned around.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" cried Jadeite. He found himself face to face with a growler.

Jed threw a punch, but the growler caught it in its huge paw.

It threw a chop at Jed's exposed arm and he fell to the ground.

"This is the end," said Jed sadly.

Just then, the woofer came dashing back. It threw a head-butt, toppling the growler, and it was no more.

"WOOFER!" cried Jed. "You came back for me!"

The woofer titled its head, waiting for a treat.

"I'm sorry," said Jadeite. "I still don't have any."

The woofer dashed off again.

"NO!" wailed Jadeite. "I'll get some snacks, hold on!"

Jed went home and grabbed some more snacks, then took off after the woofer.

"WOOFER!" howled Jed, searching the entire forest.

But he couldn't find him anywhere.

He reached a swamp.

"Hey snapper, have you seen my woofer?"

The huge green snapper opened its huge green jaw.

And in its mouth was the woofer!

"HEY, SPIT THAT OUT!" yelled Jadeite. "That's my pup!"

The snapper didn't care and tried to continue eating the woofer.

Jadeite had a burst of strength, and drop-kicked the snapper into the distance, where it was ended.

He caught the woofer in his arms.

"Are okay?" he asked concerned.

The woofer nodded and waited for snacks.

Jadeite gave him the full bag, but he continued to look at Jadeite.

"Come on boy, that was a whole bag!" pleaded Jadeite.

The woofer took off.

"He's one with nature now," concluded Jadeite.

He headed home.

"I'm sure gonna miss that woofer."

He decided to call Nephrite and tell him he could come back.

Nephrite returned home and saw that there was no home left.

The stars' brutally bashed corpses were laying on the ground.

Neph picked one up. "WHYYYYYYY?!" he shouted.

Jed continued towards the North Pole where his true home was.

That's when Jadeite found himself face to face with a pack of screechers.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" he cried.

He shot lightning but they absorbed the blow.

One of the screechers tossed Jed to the ground.

He was no more.

* * *

"That's really a shame what happened to Jadeite," thought Nephrite sadly.

He took a deep breath and respawned his house.

"Home sweet home," he said.

Suddenly the woofer came dashing out of the woodworks. He leapt through Nephrite's upstairs window and ended his house once more.

"AHH!" screamed Neph. "I'm not living on Earth anymore. Too many beasts."

He went into the Negaverse.

"Now to build my home in here," he decided. He found a nice looking empty space and respawned his mansion yet again.

He sat down on his couch.

"The Negaverse is a gloomy place but at least no woofers."

Suddenly he heard a teleport sound.

"Zoisite?" he asked hopefully.

That was when the woofer took his life and ended his mansion again.

Zoisite heard a knock on the door.

"Beryl?" he asked.

That was Zoisite's last word.

FIN


	160. Jadeite Sees the Future

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

Beryl rubbed her crystal ball. "Mmmmmmm," she said. "Jadeite, you haven't been getting a lot of energy lately."

"Tis true," admitted Jadeite sadly.

"You really need to step up your game," stated Beryl. "If you proceed to get energy at such a slow rate, we'll never be able to awaken the Negaforce- I mean Queen Metalia, our great ruler! If you can succeed in getting some energy, and we can awaken her from her slumber, the Negaverse will-"

"Beryl," said Jadeite.

"Jadeite! I was talking!" barked Beryl.

"Queen Beryl, can your crystal ball see the future?"

"WHAT?! NO!" yelled Beryl. "Of course not! Where did you get such a silly idea?"

"I was at the carnival the other day with Nephrite, Zoisite, Kunzite, and Usagi Tsukino's father Kenji. And-"

"Does this story have an ending?" demanded Beryl.

"Coming from you," said Jadeite under his breath.

"What was that?!" yelled Beryl.

"As I was saying, we got our fortunes told there. Now here's the thing. She had a crystal ball! It actually looked just like yours. I wonder if you got it from the same place! Anyway, with her ball she was able to tell our futures! It was then that it dawned on me that yours may be able to do the same!"

"Jadeite," said Beryl. "That fortune telling was just a circus act. No one can foresee the future."

"That's not true," said Jadeite. "Nephrite's stars can. And a young boy Zoisite encountered was also able to."'

"Nephrite is an enigma," said Beryl. "And don't believe Zoisite's tall tales!"

"Yes my queen," said Jadeite. "So in conclusion, your ball really can't see the future?"

"Once again, no!" shouted Beryl. "Now get out!"

"Yes m'queen."

Jadeite left.

"The nerve of that guy," said Beryl.

* * *

The time was 3:44am. Beryl stepped off her throne and headed to her bedroom.

She turned on her nightlight and went to sleep.

"Hehehehe," snickered Jadeite, entering the throne room.

Just to make sure no one was in there, he called out. "Anyone here? Queen Beryl, I found a new source of energy!"

"Jadeite?" said Kunzite. "What are you doing here? It is past the Negaverse's hours of operation."

"Damn," said Jadeite. "I shouldn't have called out. What do you want, Kunzite?"

"I was just doing my 3am patrol around the Negaverse," explained Kunzite. "But what are you doing here?"

"Oh… umm… I was just going to put some energy I just attained into Queen Beryl's crystal ball!"

"REALLY?" questioned Kunzite suspiciously. "YOU got energy?"

"Yes," said Jadeite. "I opened this gym, and told them to get in these energy pods."

"And they did it?" asked Kunzite.

"Amazingly, yes."

"But wait," said Kunzite. "Didn't you already do a gym plan before?"

"Drat!" thought Jadeite. "I didn't think he would have known about that! He hadn't even been introduced yet, let alone that he would have been able to hear the gossip!"

"Alright, I'll come clean," said Jadeite. "I just wanted to watch Queen Beryl sleep."

"Ah," said Kunzite. "Just… hurry up. Don't stay in there too long."

"Aye aye, cap'n!" said Jed.

Kunzite left. "That Jadeite's an enigma."

* * *

Jadeite waited till Kunzite was gone.

"Way to think on your feet, Jeddo!" he told himself.

He walked up to Beryl's crystal ball.

"Now how do I work this thing? It must be able to tell the future, it's a crystal ball for heaven's sake!"

He recalled a memory of how Nephrite was able to ask his stars things.

"Aha!" thought Jadeite.

"Crystal ball, show me what I'll eat for breakfast tomorrow!"

The crystal ball projected an image of Jed eating a bowl of Captain Crunch.

Jadeite gasped. "How'd it know!? HAHA! I knew it! It can tell the future!"

Jadeite paced around the ball, and wondered what to ask it next. "Crystal ball, does Beryl like me?"

The ball did not respond.

"Oh right, it can tell the future, and nothing else. Crystal ball, what's my favorite color? Drat, I did it again!"

Jadeite took some time to think. "Alright, alright! Crystal ball, will my next plan succeed?"

He shook the crystal ball.

"No," said the ball.

"Drat!" yelled Jed. "What about the plan after that? Where I dress up as Tuxedo Mask and write love letters to all the girls at Juuban Middle School?"

"No," said the ball. "You couldn't pull off the disguise."

Jadeite was getting frustrated. "Crystal ball, when will my plans work?"

"Maybe someday," said the ball.

That wasn't good enough. Jadeite took a deep breath. "Crystal ball, show me my death."

"WHAT?! NO!" cried Jadeite moments later. "I can't believe I'll die like that! But wait… now that I know the future, I won't show up to the next MLP convention, thus altering my fate!"

Jadeite decided that using the ball for serious matters such as plans and his life expectancy was really a bummer. "I'll use it for more trivial, more entertaining things! MWAHAHAHA!" he laughed. "I ought to take it home to do some more research."

He spawned an orange and put it where the crystal ball had been. "She won't notice a thing," chuckled Jadeite.

* * *

Jadeite showed up in front of Queen Beryl the next morning.

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Jadeite," said Queen Beryl. "Did you replace my crystal ball with an orange?"

"Yes," said Jadeite. "I was just borrowing it for the night."

"That's okay, just give it back," said Beryl.

"Wow, I didn't think you'd be so cool with it!"

He gave it back.

"JADEITE!" howled Beryl, readying her ball for an attack. "I HOPE YOU'RE READY TO FACE YOUR FATE!"

"Yes," said Jadeite. "Just hold on one second."

He took three steps back and one to the right.

Beryl fired her blast, but it missed by an inch.

"WHAT THE?!" demanded Beryl. "How'd you do that?! And why did you take my ball?!"

"I just wanted to check if it could tell the future. Don't worry, it can't though!"

Beryl narrowed her eyes. "He must not have known how to use it," she considered. "But then how did he know where to dodge my attack?"

"JADEITE!" howled Beryl, shooting another attack.

But he had already left the room.

Beryl was stumped. "If I confront him and ask him if he really did use it to see the future, then he'll know it can see the future! But if he already does…"

She pondered for a moment using the ball to see what would happen if she confronted him, but stuck with her vow not to.

"Seeing the future would spoil the ending of Sailor Moon. I like to play things by year, see how it ends up."

* * *

"Queen Beryl," said Nephrite. "I have come up with a strategy."

Jadeite's hologram appeared in front of him.

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Hey!" yelled Nephrite. "I was talking!"

"Tell it to the New York Times!" said Jadeite. "Anyway, Queen Beryl. I have come up with a way to gather more energy from one person than I could previously get from 100!"

"Hey wait a minute!" shouted Nephrite.

"You see, everything is ruled by the stars. And if Leo the Lion's constellation creates a perpendicular with Mars,"

"WHAT?!" shouted Nephrite. "HUH!? He's quoting my speech that I wrote this morning word for word! HOW?!"

"Heh heh," said Jadeite.

Nephrite swung at him, but he was just a hologram.

"I'll be getting that energy!" said Jed.

"GRRRR!" growled Nephrite.

He interrogated his stars when he got home, but they swore up and down they never talked to Jadeite.

Jadeite appeared at the snack machine.

"Good work," said Zoisite. "You made a fool of Nephrite! But how'd you do that?"

"That's for me to know, and you to find out!" said Jadeite.

"Rrrr, whatever," said Zoisite angrily.

Jadeite bought all the powdered donuts out of the snack machine and teleported away.

Nephrite appeared moments later. "Ahh, I've been craving some powdered donuts!"

They were all gone.

Nephrite spotted Zoisite and ran up and punched him in the face.

"WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!" cried Zoisite.

"You took all my donuts! Only you would know that they're my favorite food in the world!"

"It was Jadeite, I swear!" exclaimed Zoisite. "I just saw him do it, and wondered why he needed so many powdered donuts."

"Grrr," said Nephrite. "That Jadeite's getting on my nerves! How is he doing this to me?! It's almost like he can see the future!"

"Wait a minute," pondered Zoisite, but Nephrite teleported away.

Zoisite was still mad about getting socked.

He teleported to Kunzite.

"Kunzite!" said Zoisite. "Nephrite just socked me!"

Kunzite put down his pudding. "I always knew the day would come where I killed Nephrite!"

* * *

Nephrite sat at the park with Mawly after saving her from a kidnapping.

"Oy Nephroyt," said Molly, giggling. "I hope you don't get killed now haha."

"Haha don't worry," said Nephrite. "I have nerves of steel!"

Suddenly Jadeite appeared.

"Hey, you!" yelled Nephrite. "I have a bone to pick with you!"

"There's no time," said Jadeite. "Move two steps diagonally to the left, and then take two steps back."

"Huh? Ok…" said Nephrite complying.

Just then one of Zoisite's Youmas that Nephrite had spared fired a deathly vine attack, and it soared past Nephrite's face.

Nephrite grabbed the branch and lit his palm on fire, baking the Youma.

The other two tried to run, but Nephrite easily caught up to them and put them out of their misery.

"Wow," said Molly standing next to Jadeite.

"Nephrite's amazing!"

"Molly," said Jadeite. "Cherish this time while you can, because after about season 2 you will rarely if ever appear in this show."

"What? Why!? I'm the main cast!" cried Molly.

Jadeite shook his head. "Goodbye!"

Zoisite appeared to grab the Black Crystal.

"Hahaha, you were like a candle flickering in the- hey! What's going on?!"

Nephrite flew up and socked Zoisite, and Zoisite fled.

"Kunzite!" cried Zoisite. "The plan didn't work and I got socked again!"

"What?! NO!" Kunzite was mad. "Alright, we're going to have to both brainstorm together to end this Nephrite guy once and for all. I think I might have an idea."

* * *

Nephrite was watching the daily news.

"Breaking news! Young girl Molly Osaka is hanging precariously on a crane at the shipping yard! She might be held captive! If anyone cares about this girl they should go save her!"

"Hmm," thought Nephrite concerned. "If that's Molly, then I gotta go save her! But this sounds right up Zoisite's alley, setting a trap instead of fighting, like a coward!"

He thought about it for another minute, and decided to go anyway.

"Wait," said Jadeite appearing.

"Oh hey Jed, I never got to thank you about earlier. But you did cause that scenario by forcing me to sock Zoisite. Heh, oh well," said Nephrite. "At least I got to sock him twice."

"Don't go to the shipping yard," said Jadeite. "That's not Molly!"

"What?!" said Nephrite. He took a closer look at the screen.

"Wait, Molly doesn't have blonde hair, and that outfit is not the right color! It is in fact a pallet swap of Molly's regular outfit! Thanks Jadeite, but how'd you know?"

"Because I have eyes," said Jadeite.

"Hmm," said Nephrite. "I'll give ya that, but how'd you know about that other thing?"

"Someday you'll know!" yelled Jadeite, teleporting away.

"Hmmmmmm," said Nephrite.

* * *

Zoisite stayed hanging from the crane all night because Nephrite never showed up.

Kunzite went to check on him the next morning.

"Kunzite, help, it's chilly out here!" cried Zoisite.

"Sorry," said Kunzite. "If you were to wear a jacket they would know immediately!"

"Well then why did I palette-swap the outfit?"

"Well, that's simple," said Kunzite. "So if Molly showed up, I wouldn't confuse you with the real Molly!"

Zoisite stayed on the crane for three more days. "My arms hurt. Let me down, this isn't working," Zoisite decided at last.

"Wow," said Kunzite. "I thought that would have been a surefire success! Our two brilliant brains worked on that one together! The two of us combined should be able to do anything, our total IQ must be over 5,000!"

"All those things are true," said Zoisite. "That's why this just doesn't add up."

* * *

Kunzite was at his house minding his own business.

He closed his book. "Time to get a new book to read, and I know exactly which one!"

Kunzite headed down to the huge library in his huge castle.

He floated up to the fourth of ten stories, and located the book he wanted.

"Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days, perfect!" said Kunzite, pulling out the book.

But there was a cord attached to the book, and as he pulled the book out, it triggered a bomb.

"WHAT THE-"

The bomb exploded, blowing up Kunzite's entire Diary of Wimpy Kid collection and a large portion of his library.

He was minorly injured and greatly annoyed.

He furiously turned on his X-ray vision. "That book was the only one with a bomb attached! How could someone possibly know what book I wanted to read next?! I already read the full series, I just wanted to look back at that one in particular. There's no way…"

"Kunzite?" asked Zoisite, coming towards the library. "I heard an explosion, is everything alright?"

He walked in through one of the 24 entrances to the library. Suddenly he tripped on a wire.

No bomb went off but he was greatly injured.

"How the heck?!" He checked every other entrance, but none of them had tripwires.

"Who would know that I would come through that one door?!"

"Something very strange is going on," said Kunzite. "Be extremely careful."

Kunzite headed to the closet to change out of his blown up uniform. He reached for a random one of his 300 identical uniforms, but then shook his head and went for another.

He pulled out five different uniforms, then threw them all away, just to make sure.

Finally he settled on a different random one.

"Step back, there may be bomb!" exclaimed Kunzite.

He pulled it out but no bomb.

"Okay… I think I bested whoever's behind this."

He put on the uniform.

"AHHH!" he yelled. The uniform was filled with poisonous snakes.

"AHHHHHH!" screamed Kunzite again.

"AHHHHHH!" screamed Zoisite.

Kunzite wrestled off the uniform but not before getting bitten numerous times.

"None of the others have poisonous snakes, this is ridiculous!" yelled Kunzite.

He headed to his phone to call Beryl, but the phone line was cut. All of the other lines were perfectly intact.

"Fine then, I'll just use a different phone!"

He picked up the next phone but it exploded.

"We have to get out of here!" he cried. "Someone is targeting us and they seem to know exactly what we'll do! It's like they have future vision!"

Kunzite thought that future vision may be a myth, since he could not do it himself, but then remembered something Zoisite had told him. "Zoisite, did you ever kill that kid who had future vision?"

"No," said Zoisite. "I just turned him into a monster, but I think his heart was still human and he got healed in the end."

"AHA!" said Kunzite. "Let's go end him!"

* * *

Greg walked down the street, and Kunzite appeared in front of him.

"Say goodnight, boy!"

"I foresaw this," said Greg. "And I also foresaw that there was nothing I could do. So I purchased this gun."

Greg ended his own story before Kunzite could.

"Smart boy," said Zoisite. "Well I guess that solves that problem!"

"Hmm," said Kunzite. "The house is still severely booby-trapped by the future kid. We better just hang out in the Negalounge for a few days while we hire some Youmas to take care of all the traps."

Kunzite and Zoisite went to the Negalounge.

Five days later they returned to their house.

"This is strange," said Kunzite. "There are no Youma corpses. It seems that that phone was the last trap he placed."

Kunzite killed all the Youmas. "We're good to go now."

* * *

That night…

Kunzite got in the bath tub. "I'm going to change things up tonight, and use a new shampoo."

He looked in the cabinet and saw there was a selection of every possible flavor of shampoo.

"It's nice living luxuriously," said Kunzite.

He opened a bottle and poured some shampoo on his head.

However, he was having a hard time rubbing it through his hair.

Zoisite walked in. "Mmmmmm…" he said.

"Hey Zoisite," said Kunzite. "What's wrong with this shampoo? It doesn't seem to be spreading in my hair well."

"KUNZITE!" cried Zoisite. "That's not shampoo… that's molten lava!"

"What?!" said Kunzite. "NO!"

Suddenly now that he realized it was lava, it started to burn. "AHHH! GET IT OFF!"

Zoisite tried to turn on the shower faucet.

But instead of water, out came acid.

"NOOOOOOO!" shrieked Zoisite.

He teleported away, and Kunzite tanked it and turned off the faucet.

But his floor was no more.

The lava had now hardened and Kunzite's hair was full of igneous rock.

He chiseled it out furiously. He checked all his shampoos but he already knew there would be nothing bad in the rest of them.

Zoisite had come back by now.

"That future kid must have somehow alluded the Youmas," considered Zoisite.

"Impossible," said Kunzite. "This was fresh lava. I could tell by its temperature."

"So he did it recently," concluded Zoisite.

"No, he's dead," reminded Kunzite.

"Then it wasn't Greg this whole time…?"

"D'ah," said Kunzite. "We have an unbeatable foe that can tell the future and also has access to the Negaverse and fresh lava."

"Wait a minute," said Zoisite. "Who's been our foe this whole time?"

"Sailor Moon?" asked Kunzite.

"No, the true villain of the season! Nephrite! He has the power to see the future through his stars, as he is able to see who will be at the peak of their energy!"

"AHA!" said Kunzite. "And he knows we tried to kill him, which is why he didn't fall for our trap! Let's go end this, right now!"

* * *

They showed up at Nephrite's mansion.

"Huh?" said Nephrite putting down his NES controller. "What do you kids want?"

"We know you put the lava in the shampoo!" yelled Zoisite.

"Huh?" said Nephrite, taking off his headphones. "What are you talking about?"

"Just surrender," said Kunzite. "This is the end of your arc."

"Yeah right," said Nephrite, cocky because he knew Jadeite would come save him like he did the previous times.

He stood there with his arms crossed as Kunzite charged him.

"Any second Jed will come and tell me which way to dodge!" thought Neph.

He did not move a single inch until his sudden death.

"That was relatively easy," said Zoisite. "I wonder why he didn't even try to dodge."

"He knew it would be futile, like that Greg kid," assumed Kunzite.

"I'm hungry from all this bloodshed," said Zoisite. "Let's go get a snack from Neph's fridge."

They opened Nephrite's fridge, and it blew up, taking the mansion with it.

"DAMMIT!" said Zoisite. "BUT HOW?!"

"Why would he rig his own fridge?!" exclaimed Kunzite. "Is that why he accepted death so suddenly, because he knew we'd open the fridge after we finished him off?!"

"No, it can't be that," said Zoisite. "Nephrite's an enigma, but he loved life. He would not kill himself just to mildly damage us."

"Then how will we ever figure out who's doing this?" wondered Kunzite. "Maybe… there's something on the news?"

"It's a shot in the dark, but even if we wanted to take it, that remote's definitely rigged!" Zoisite figured, looking at Nephrite's remote cautiously.

They teleported to McDonald's where the TV was already on the news channel.

"Haha!" said Kunzite. "Nothing can hurt us if we don't do anything!"

On the news, they saw an interview with a man who had won eight consecutive lotteries.

"So, Mr. Jay Dite. What's it's like to have achieved something that's mathematically impossible?"

"Well, it's all in the technique," said a familiar face. "And also, I just used my magic Eight Ball here!"

He was holding Queen Beryl's ball.

"JADEITE!" howled Kunzite and Zoisite in unison. "THAT FIEND!"

Zoisite had a flashback to a few days ago, when Jadeite bought out all the powdered donuts moments before Nephrite showed up looking for powdered donuts.

"Jed's the one who caused Nephrite to punch me! He started all this!"

"Well then," said Kunzite. "It's time to finish this!"

They teleported to Jadeite's dark space.

"I doubt he'll be here," said Zoisite.

Jadeite spun around on his spinning chair.

"I knew you guys would come," he said with a wink.

"Yeah, we get it," said Kunzite. "You can see the future. But your foresight must be a bit off if you think you can take on me! Comin' atcha!"

Kunzite charged at the speed of light, but Jadeite ducked, timing it perfectly, and Kunzite missed by one inch.

He started sending a barrage of blows, and Jadeite started repeating a pattern in his head.

"Right, left, right, down, up, A, B, C-stick!"

He dodged all the blows from memory.

Zoisite stood on the sidelines watching. "I gotta do something that will circumvent his future vision! Something spontaneous and unexpected!"

"AHHHH!" he shrieked, spawning a giant black crystal, 200% larger than his normal crystals. He flung it at Jadeite, and Jadeite tilted his neck at a 15 degree angle, dodging it exactly and causing it to soar past him and hit Kunzite.

"Kunzite, no!" cried Zoisite.

"Don't worry, you're not that strong," said Kunzite brushing it off.

"You may be able to foresee my attacks, Jadeite," began Kunzite. "But I'm still stronger than you! I'll just shoot an unavoidable beam!"

Jadeite teleported away.

"Crap, he knew I'd do that!"

"Also you just told him," said Zoisite. "But his reaction time was definitely unhuman."

They teleported to Beryl.

She was not on her throne, which shocked them.

"She must be in Metalia's room," inferred Kunzite. "That's the only other place we've seen her in. Except for that time she teleported to Jed's room, and her animation was a bit off."

They teleported to Metalia's room to see Beryl hiding behind her.

"Jadeite's got my ball, boys," explained my Beryl. "I could lose to even Zoisite now."

"Really?" asked Zoisite. Zoisite ended Beryl permanently.

"Hey," said Queen Metalia. "What was that for? I was attached to her!"

"I'm sorry," said Zoisite. "But my hands are tied."

"That's okay," said Metalia.

"What are we going to do about Jadeite?" questioned Kunzite. "Hey Metalia-sama, do you have any friends that can see the future so we can counter this?"

"Well," said Metalia. "There's my brother the Doom Phantom, however he's not too keen on helping people. He only does things that benefit him, and disposes of people once he has no use for them."

"Sounds like you," said Kunzite.

"It runs in the family," said Metalia. "However, if you know anyone with future vision that is no longer with us, I could revive them!"

"There's Nephrite," offered Kunzite.

"That won't work," said Zoisite. "I think Jadeite booby-trapped his stars."

"Then how about that boy that we killed?"

"Yes, yes! Metalia, bring back Greg/Ryo of Tokyo!"

"Oh man," said Metalia. "There's a lot of Ryo's in Tokyo."

"Crap, what was his last name?" wondered Kunzite. "Oh I know, bring back the yellow crystal warrior!"

"Ah, you should have said so," said Metalia.

She brought back Greg, and Greg came out swinging.

Even Zoisite was able to overwhelm him, and knocked him to the floor.

"Listen boy, we need your help."

"I will never help you!" yelled Greg. "I would rather die! DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"Okay," said Kunzite, killing Greg.

Metalia respawned him.

"Play nice, you two."

"Fine, what do you want?" barked Greg.

"We need to use your future vision in our battle of wits against Jadeite, who has also acquired future vision!"

"How would that work?" asked Greg.

"Well, Jed has already seen the future, but he hasn't seen the future that has updated thanks to our plan."

"He just did," said Greg. "He already saw you reviving me, and knows exactly what we'll do."

"Well, then tell us what HE'LL do!"

"This is tough," said Greg. "Every time I check the future it's different! It's because he's checking the future too!"

"Hmm," said Zoisite. "Then Jed must be experiencing the same problems! Let's go charge!"

"Alright," said Kunzite. "I have no better plan."

While Greg and Jadeite battled it out mentally, Kunzite teleported them all (except for Metalia because she is an unmovable force) behind Jadeite.

Kunzite threw a punch but Jed dodged.

"I saw that coming," said Jadeite.

"Swing left!" yelled Greg.

Kunzite swung left and Jadeite dodged right. He was looking at his crystal ball while fighting.

He started dodging Kunzite's punches as Greg yelled which directions to throw.

But since Jed was matching exactly what he saw, he slipped up and got hit.

His crystal ball fell to the floor.

"Wait, I can explain!" cried Jadeite.

Kunzite killed Jadeite.

"You did it!" said Zoisite.

"Can you port me home?" pleaded Greg.

They killed Greg.

"We don't want this happening again," they agreed.

They headed home.

"Home sweet home," said Zoisite turning on the TV.

They were blown up.

FIN


	161. The Snail Con Trilogy: Part 3

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Let me stop you there," said Beryl. "Why aren't you here in person? Why I am speaking to your hologram?"

"Because I'm off gathering energy," lied Jed.

"Isn't your sole purpose in life to report to me? You couldn't just teleport over here for two minutes?"

"Gosh Beryl, I wouldn't call it my sole purpose," said Jed. "This is just my profession, but once I clock out for the day, it's all about CS:GO!"

Beryl shot her eternal sleep attack at Jed.

"See, that is another reason why I showed up as a hologram," explained Jadeite's hologram. "Thinking about it, I don't know why I didn't do this after that plane incident."

Beryl teleported to Jadeite's dark space, and saw Jadeite standing in front of a webcam.

"OOH!" he yelled. He teleported to Beryl's throne room, and Beryl followed suit.

"AHH!" cried Jadeite.

She caught him by the neck.

"Just because that scene where I was in your home had my face drawn really weird, doesn't mean it didn't happen."

"Grrr," said Jadeite. "You win this round. But it doesn't really matter since after you kill me I'll just be back later in the episode."

"Not this time," said Beryl. "This one's a Nephrite ep."

"NO!" cried Jadeite.

But it was too late.

He tried to run but Beryl put him to sleep.

"Goodbye," said Beryl to the readers. "This is the last you'll see of me today as well!"

* * *

Nephrite sped down the highway. He turned to Melvin in the shotgun.

"Why exactly are we returning to Snail Con again?"

"Because," said Motoki's sister. "Melvin thinks he left his inhaler there. He needed it the other day but could not locate it."

"You don't even use an inhaler," said Nephrite.

"Yes I do!" squawked Melvin. "But only when I try to talk to Mawly and get nervous!"

"Maybe you shouldn't talk to her," threatened Nephrite.

"Nah," said Melvin.

"Grrrr," said Nephrite. "Hey, let's do a headcount before we get there, so we don't have to return to pick anyone up."

Nephrite pulled out his attendance sheet.

"Melvin."

"Present!" yelled Melvin.

"Motoki's sister."

"Here," said Motoki's sister.

"Diana the cat."

Diana squeaked something, but it was unintelligible.

"Grandpa," sighed Nephrite.

"Hoo ha!" yelled Grandpa.

"Professor Tomoe."

"Yep!" said Prof. Tomoe.

"And… Kunzite?" asked Nephrite in shock, looking closely at his attendance sheet.

"Yo," said Kunzite.

"Why are you here?" demanded Nephrite.

"My schedule was free," explained Kunzite.

"Umm, excuse me," said Motoki. "My name wasn't called on the attendance!"

"That's because you're not supposed to be here!" yelled Nephrite.

He tossed Motoki out of the car, and Kenji quickly took his spot.

"Alright Kenji," said Nephrite. "I'll let you slide."

Nephrite pulled up to the building where Snail Con was held a while back.

"Get out everyone," he commanded.

The crew jumped out of his red sports car.

"Umm… I'm going to stay behind," said Kenji.

"Okay…?" said Nephrite.

They continued on, leaving Kenji in the car.

* * *

When they got inside, the lost-and-found was no longer where it had previously been.

"Go to the main convention room," suggested an employee. "There might be a box there."

"Kay," said Nephrite.

They all entered the convention room, and were shocked to realize there was actually a convention going on this time.

"Snail Con?" wondered Melvin hopefully.

But Grandpa shook his head. "You know that only comes once a year."

Melvin was depressed. He wished he had his inhaler.

"Alright, let's all scout out and see if we can find the lost-and-found box," decided Nephrite.

"Wait!" said Melvin. "We can't go alone, that's dangerous! We don't want to die like last time!"

"But weren't we in pairs last time, and you all still died?" recalled Nephrite.

Melvin ignored him. "I'll use a new app on my MacBook Pro to pick the teams."

He typed for a while and then pressed a button. "Alright!" said Melv. "Here we go! The teams are… me and Diana-"

"Yahoo!" squeaked Diana.

"Nephrite and Professor Tomoe…"

"Hmm," said Tomoe.

"You have a beef with me?!" demanded Nephrite. "I'm going to be on my own team, just like last time," he stated.

"That won't do," said Melvin. "Don't make me call Molly."

Nephrite knew there was nothing he could do.

"Come on Prof," he said, and they headed off.

"Wait!" said Melvin. "You need to hear the rest of the teams!"

But they were already gone.

"Hmph," grunted Melvin. "Anyway, the other team is… Grandpa, Motoki's sister, and Malachite!"

"Excuse me?" said Kunzite. "Why did you call me my dub name?"

"I prefer dub over sub," said Melvin. "Why do you think I still go by Melvin?"

"Hmm," considered Kunzite. "Come on team!" he said enthusiastically, trying to make the most out of his outing.

* * *

Melvin and Diana started by searching the perimeter.

He let Diana ride on his shoulder.

Suddenly, Yaten of the Three Lights appeared in front of them.

Melvin got in his fighting stance, and Diana hissed.

"You season 5ers are trash!" yelled Melvin. "I didn't show up all season because of you!"

"Huh?" said the nerd in a costume.

"Oh," realized Melvin. "You're just a nerd in a costume. Why pick such a bad cosplay?"

"Who else would I cosplay at the Three Lights convention?" demanded the nerd.

"Awwww, yuck!" cried Melvin. "I hate those guys! Especially Taiki! His forehead is just too big. Let's hurry up and find my inhaler so we can get out of here!"

Diana nodded.

* * *

Nephrite and Professor Tomoe soon came to the same realization when they saw that everyone was dressed up as the Three Lights or Kakyuu.

"They're easy on the eyes," noted Tomoe.

"Not the cosplayers," said Nephrite. "They're making me cringe."

They wandered around until bumping into a large crowd.

"Next question!" said the real Seiya. He was hosting a Q & A with the other two Lights.

"Eww, get me out of line!" said Nephrite. "I hate these guys, thinking they're so good just because they're from season five!"

"Wait," said Tomoe. "Maybe we should stick it out. We can ask them where the lost-and-found is!"

"Darn, you may be right," realized Nephrite.

They stayed in line.

"Next question," said Taiki.

"Yes, hello," said a nerd. "My question is, why do I always get this image of a lady with stupid hair and an ugly face when I hear your songs?"

The Three Lights gasped.

"Hey, are you talking about our princessu?!" demanded Seiya.

"Huh? No princess would have ridiculous hair like that!"

Seiya transformed into Sailor Star Fighter and beat the nerd to death.

He got back in his seat and de-transformed. "Next question!" he shouted angrily.

"Hi," said Ami Mizuno in a Taiki costume. "My question is for Taiki!"

"Make it quick," said Taiki.

"Okay," said Ami. "Do you believe people can be reborn as stars?"

"I'm sorry," said Taiki. "I'm not going to answer that here."

Ami hung her head and walked away.

"Yaten!" exclaimed Minako who was next in line. "Sign my chest?"

"No," said Yaten. "Next!"

"Hello," said Professor Tomoe. "Do you know where the lost-and-found is?"

"No," said Seiya. "Next!"

Nephrite marched up.

"Hey, I remember you, you punk!" he yelled at Taiki. "You think cosmology is a myth!"

"Yeah, so?" said Taiki.

"Why are you still here?!" shouted Nephrite, getting heated. "Isn't your planet repaired?!"

"Sorry, one question per person," said Seiya. "If you want to ask another one, get in the back of the line."

Nephrite was too angry.

Someone tried to step ahead of him, but he threw them across the room.

Everyone took a step back.

"This nerd's gone bonkers!" cried Yaten. "Someone escort him outside!"

Nephrite ran up and snapped Yaten's neck before he could transform.

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!" cried Seiya. "Now we're just the Two Lights!"

"WRONG!" said Nephrite.

He snapped Seiya's neck before he could transform.

Taiki quickly transformed into Sailor Star Maker.

But Nephrite quickly snapped his neck before he could react.

"Lights out!" mocked Nephrite.

Everyone at the convention was in shock.

"You killed our idols!" cried the nerds.

"Big whoop!" shouted Nephrite. "If you want a fight, then I'll give you a fight! Come at me!"

"Star Serious Laser!" shouted a nerd in a Star Maker costume. He threw himself at Nephrite, and Nephrite snapped his neck.

The crowd surrounded Nephrite, and a kid leapt on his back.

Another kid charged with his fists.

But Nephrite grabbed the kid on his back by his arm and threw him into the other kid.

"Search for your love!" yelled a boy in a mis-colored Kakyuu costume.

"Why are you Kakyuu?" demanded Nephrite. He killed the nerd in one blow.

Five more kids took his place, and they all started swinging at Nephrite.

* * *

Kunzite, Grandpa, and Motoki's sister walked over to see what all the hub-bub was about.

"Do you like the Taiki wig I bought?" asked Motoki's sister to Kunzite.

"It suits you," said Kunzite.

Motoki's sister was flustered.

"Kunzite… I-"

She never finished the sentence because Nephrite snapped her neck.

"NEPHRITE!" yelled Grandpa. "What was that for?!"

"Oops," said Nephrite. "She looked like another generic nerd, and I had to kill all the nerds because they were attacking me."

"Oh well," said Kunzite. "No harm no foul. Did you find the lost-and-found?"

"Huh?" said Nephrite. "Oh yeah. No, I got distracted. Looks like this mission is a bust."

"Not so fast!" yelled Tomoe scampering over. "I found it! I found the lost-and-found!"

"Good work!" exclaimed Nephrite.

Melvin and Diana appeared behind them.

"YEEEE!" said Melvin. "You're my hero, Professor!"

"Aww shucks," said Tomoe.

Melvin rattled through the lost-and-found bin. "What the? My inhaler's not in here!"

"Give that to me," said Nephrite, after Melvin searched through it for a while.

Nephrite found the inhaler in two seconds.

"Here ya go, slugger."

"AHHH!" yelled Melvin with glee. "Looks like we can wrap up the Snail Con trilogy on a happy note!"

"Wait," said Nephrite. "Make sure you didn't lose anything else."

Melvin checked his inventory. "Everything seems to be here!"

"Are you sure?" asked Nephrite. "We're never coming back here again. Or at least not until Snail Con next year."

"I'm positive," concluded Melvin.

"Good," said Nephrite.

They all headed to the car, except Motoki's sister who was no longer with them.

"Hey, where'd I park?" asked Nephrite.

"It was right here," said Kunzite. "I remembered the space number."

"But… the space is empty?" said Nephrite.

He reached down and picked up a note. It was from Kenji.

"Goodbye," it said.

"Did… did that bastard take my car?!" cried Nephrite.

He lit his palm ablaze, ending the note.

"Looks like we don't end on a good note," said Melvin.

FIN


	162. The Shitennou Take a Vacation

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Wait!" yelled Nephrite running in. "Queen Beryl! I just won 7 free tickets to a resort on some unknown Eastern European island!"

"Really?" said Beryl, jumping out of her seat.

Jadeite gasped. "I've never been on vacation before! It's too bad you would never invite us."

"Not to worry," said Nephrite. "It's necessary that I bring the full 7 people, according to the rules of the contest I don't remember entering."

Zoisite appeared suddenly. "Wait a minute. You say you won a contest, but you don't remember entering it? Doesn't that seem a little suspicious?"

"NAH!" said Nephrite. "Sometimes you just have to have faith in humanity."

"So who are you bringing?" continued Jadeite.

"Well," said Neph. "My first choice was of course Molly, but she demanded I bring that pest Melvin. So that leaves four more slots, and since I'm feeling generous, I decided to take you all!"

"YEeeeeeEE!" said Zoisite. "I'm going to pack!"

He left.

"I gotta pack too!" said Jed. He spawned an empty suitcase. "I'm ready to go!"

Beryl started to panic. "The vacation's on an island, right?! That means there will be swimming, right?! And I haven't had a bathing suit since the Silver Millennium!"

"What will you do, my Queen?" asked Jadeite.

"I gotta go shopping!" cried Beryl. "Where's Kunzite?! I need him to try on some clothes for me!"

Beryl frantically dashed away.

Nephrite sent out a group text since only Jadeite remained in the room with him.

"B the airport o' 700."

Nephrite teleported home to prepare.

* * *

It was o' 600.

"Goodbye, stars," said Nephrite, heading out the door with his luggage. "There's food in the fridge, and the remote is on the nightstand for if you get bored. Channel 49 is Cartoon Network. Have fun, just don't drink too much soda, and text me if anything goes wrong."

The stars gave a thumb's up.

"Good," said Nephrite. "I'll see you in five days."

Nephrite could have teleported to the airport, but he drove his red sports car all the way to Molly's house to pick her up.

"Hoy Nephroyt!" she said giddily. "I didn't tell my mummy I was going to stay with some guy for a week, so I guess she'll just report me as missing."

"No prob," said Nephrite. "It's time to go to the airport."

"Nooooo!" said Molly. "You know you have to pick up Melvin first!"

"Damn," said Nephrite. "I almost got away with it, too."

He pulled up to Melvin's house and honked his horn.

Melvin didn't surface.

"I'm leaving," decided Nephrite.

Suddenly Melvin surfaced.

"Damn!" said Nephrite.

"Hey guys!" he called in a muffled voice. He was still in his PJ's.

"Just give me a minute, I need to take my retainer out, and then I need to brush my teeth! And then I need to eat breakfast, and then I need to pack!"

"No," said Nephrite. "You have five minutes and then I'm leaving."

"AHHH!" cried Melvin dashing inside.

* * *

45 minutes later Melvin emerged with a poptart in his mouth.

"I didn't have time to eat breakfast," he said sadly. "I packed my MacBook Pro and all its accessories though."

"Get in the back," barked Nephrite. "We're gonna be late!"

* * *

Nephrite, Molly, and Melvin dashed into the airport and over to their plane's boarding area.

They were stopped and searched.

Melvin was held back because they thought he was holding a bomb.

"No!" he cried. "It's just my MacBook Pro!"

"Then you'll need to put it in your suitcase," said the employee. "We can't have you carrying metal objects in."

"No!" cried Melvin. "It will get stolen or crushed! It cost me $2,000!"

"Aww geez," said Nephrite, face-palming. "Why did you bring it? The pamphlet said we won't even get wi-fi out there."

"That's where you're wrong," said Melvin. "My $500 a month data plan gives me wi-fi anywhere in the world, even in the bottom of a sea trench."

They were at a standstill.

"Just put it in the suitcase," said Nephrite.

"NOooooo!" cried Melvin.

"Just put it in the suitcase," repeated Molly.

"Okay, anything for you Molly," concluded Melvin.

Nephrite was at his wit's end and they weren't even on the plane yet.

They headed to the loading area.

"Nephrite!" shouted Beryl. "What took you so long?! We were about to leave without you!"

"I have the tickets!" yelled Nephrite. "You couldn't have done that!"

Beryl shook her head. "You have a lot to learn."

"Hey, wait a second," said Nephrite.

Standing next to Beryl was Usagi Tsukino's father, Kenji Tsukino, who was equipped with Hawaiian swim trunks and a snorkel. Beside him was Evil Prince Endymion, who was dressed like regular Mamoru Chiba.

"Why are they here?" demanded Nephrite. "I only have seven tickets."

"About that," said Beryl. "There's been a change of plans. Your two pups cannot come on this trip."

"What's that?!" squeaked Melvin. "Hey lady, my metabolism wakes me up at 6am every morning! But today I had to wake myself up at 4am! My whole body has been thrown out of whack! And I skipped breakfast, which is not healthy!"

"Tell it to the New York Times," said Beryl.

"Hey, now wait a minute," said Nephrite. "I got the tickets to begin with."

"Sorry, but not sorry," said Zoisite.

"There's nothing else we can do," said Kunzite. "There's only seven tickets, and as much as I hate Mamoru Chiba, he must come."

"How about," said Nephrite. "You don't come, Kunzite! Since they're my tickets, I forbid you from getting on that plane!"

"Sorry, but not sorry," said Zoisite. "Our hands are tied."

Nephrite turned to Jadeite. Jadeite shrugged.

"Ho ho ho," said Kenji.

"So this is what I get for inviting you guys?!" demanded Nephrite.

Nephrite pulled out his tickets and went to tear them up.

"It's okay," said Molly, putting a hand on his shoulder. "You… *sniffle* enjoy yourself."

"No, I won't!" yelled Nephrite. "They can't do this to me!"

He lit the tickets ablaze in his palm.

But Kenji blew into his snorkel, and water shot on the tickets, putting out the flame.

"No!" yelled Nephrite.

Zoisite snatched the tickets and ran on board.

"Come back here!" shouted Nephrite.

He chased Zoisite onto the plane but then it took off.

"See, all's well that ends well," said Mamoru Chiba.

Nephrite sat down angrily in his seat.

Jed went to nab the window seat, but Nephrite tossed him across the plane and took it.

Jed took the aisle seat next to Neph. "D'ah," he said. "I tried to stop them."

Nephrite turned away.

"Rock paper scissors, shoot!" yelled Mamoru, Kunzite, and Kenji, all bidding for the seat next to Beryl.

"I win!" said Kunzite.

"No you don't," said Zoisite, dragging him away.

"Alright, Chiba," said Kenji. "This is for all the marbles."

"Wait," realized Mamoru. "I don't even want this seat! So long!"

Mamoru sat down in the restroom. He locked the door.

"Ah," he said. "A nice, private ride."

He took out his MacBook Pro.

"Drat, no reception," he realized sadly.

* * *

The plane landed.

"Bathroom!" cried Jadeite. "I couldn't use it all flight!"

He dashed off the plane and to the bathroom.

The rest of them climbed down carefully.

"Woo," said Beryl. "I'm a little dizzy."

"Hey, this island's pretty nice," said Zoisite.

"Shut up," barked Nephrite.

"Come on," said Zoisite. "It's been ten hours. Get over it already."

"NEVER!" yelled Nephrite.

He hopped in his own cab and headed for the hotel.

"Wait, where is everyone?" realized Kenji. "I don't see a single inhabitant."

"That's odd," said Kunzite. "The pamphlet didn't say it was a private island…"

"Salutations my children!" yelled a tour guide, approaching them.

"Eww," said Mamoru. "He kind of looks like Motoki. I hate him already."

"Greetings!" continued the guide. "And welcome to the island!"

"Hey there!" said Kenji. "I'm glad to see another living being. Where is everyone else?"

The tour guide chuckled. "We'll get to that. It's all part of the tour."

"Hmm," said Beryl.

"Whelp, let's get going!" said the guide.

"WAIT FOR MEEEEEE!" yelled Jadeite running up. "Phew, you almost left without me."

"Heh," said Mamoru.

They walked a long ways, and climbed a high mountain.

"This island is quite mountainous," noted Zoisite.

"Yes," said the tour guide. He left it at that.

"When are we going to get to the hotel, to drop our stuff off?" asked Kunzite.

"Soon," said the tour guide. He left it at that.

"But this luggage is heavy!" complained Jed.

"That's just an empty suitcase," said Zoisite.

"Shut up," said Jadeite.

"Wow," said Zoisite. "Everyone's so hostile."

"It's okay, my boy," said Kenji, wrapping his arm around Zoisite. "You'll always be my number one son."

"Um…" said Zoisite. "Kunzite, help!?"

Kunzite was having a staredown with Mamoru Chiba over who could walk beside Beryl on the staircase.

Mamoru Chiba didn't even want to, but he couldn't let Kunzite.

"Let's go, my boy," said Kenji, guiding Zoisite.

"AHHHHHH" said Zoisite.

They finally reached the top of the mountain.

"So, this is the volcano that formed this island," said the tour guide.

Kunzite immediately noticed something was off.

He got down on the floor and put his ear to the ground. "This volcano is way too recent to form an island. This upper layer of rock wasn't even formed by lava."

"You're wrong," said the tour guide. He left it at that.

"I really hate this guy," said Kunzite, further examining the rock.

"So guys, this is a major tourist attraction of this island," pointed out the tour guide. "We call it Maka Waka Waka, Ho O' Oeh Oeh."

"Odd name," said Jadeite.

"Yes, well, it's in the native tongue. Anyway, most tourists get their picture taken here!" He added, "For only $75 dollars!" under his breath.

"What was that?" asked Beryl.

"Nothing, I'll put it on your tab. All of you line up facing away from the volcano. I'll go step back and snap your pic."

They all lined up.

"Hmm, the lighting's not right," said the tour guide. "Let me step back a little further."

He took off sprinting until he reached the bottom of the mountain, and then kept running.

"That's odd," said Beryl.

"Nah," said Kenji. "Don't question the intricate nature of photography. It requires precise precision."

"Did you just say 'precise precision?'" asked Kunzite.

"Not to worry, my boy," said Kenji, wrapping his other arm around Kunzite.

"Zoisite, help!" said Kunzite.

"I can't," said Zoisite. "He got me too!"

"Can I blink now?" asked Jadeite with tears running down his face.

"This is weird," said Beryl. "Where did he go?"

Suddenly they all heard a rumbling.

"What's… what's going on?!" cried Jed. He finally blinked, and when he opened his eyes, he saw the volcano erupt.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" cried everyone.

They were sitting ducks as lava shot out into the sky and then came down like rain.

"This is the end," said Zoisite sadly.

"At least I'll die with my two best boys," said Kenji.

"Get offa me!" cried Kunzite, throwing Kenji off.

Kenji put up a fight, and Kunzite was just able to free his hands at the last second.

He put them all in a dark energy bubble.

"Eaaaaaasy does it," he said.

"Phew," said Beryl. "You saved us, Kunzite!"

Mamoru growled. "He uses humans to do his dirty work."

"Wanna get pushed out of the bubble?" asked Kunzite.

"I'll take Zoisite with me," warned Endymion.

They both got into a growling match.

"Hey… guys?" said Jed. "The lava's really piling up on top of this bubble. And the ground's shaking a bit…"

Just then, the ground collapsed under the weight, and their bubble went plummeting into the core of the volcano.

The bubble started to melt.

"Uh oh!" said Kunzite.

"Rip," said Zoisite.

"It's all over now!" cried Kenji.

Jadeite shrieked like when he got hit by the plane.

Lava started gushing in.

* * *

The six person crew finally arrived back at the town.

"That was a close one," said Beryl. "The only loss was Zoisite's hair that got scorched."

Zoisite was sobbing. "Now my hair looks like Jed's."

Kenji put his arm around Zoisite and he started sobbing more.

That's when they spotted the tour guide, as he was the only person in town.

"HEY, YOU!" yelled Kunzite. "I have a bone to pick! Where'd you go?!"

"You guys are alive!" he said with glee. "That was so scary! I was going to take your picture when I got jumped by two muscular individuals! When I finally escaped, I saw the volcano erupting out of nowhere, and I thought you were all done for!"

"Two muscular individuals, eh?" said Endymion. "How come I don't see a single person in town?"

"Not a single person?" asked the tour guide in shock. "There was just a big group of them right here! Must have been twenty!"

"You just said it was two," recalled Kenji.

"No, I mean after I got jumped!"

"Then where did they go?" demanded Kunzite.

"Hey look, a police car!" said the tour guide. He leapt into a dumpster.

"I don't see a police car?" said Jed in confusion.

Suddenly a police car drove up, and a cop stepped out.

He looked kind of like Yuuichiro.

"What's going on? Why are you hooligans going around beating people up?" barked the cop.

"What? We're not hooligans!" cried Kenji. "We're good boys!"

The cop took a long hard look at them.

"Yep, definitely hooligans!"

He threw them all in the cop car.

"I'm a queen!" yelled Beryl. "You won't get away with this! I'll call Metalia, and then you'll see!"

"Tell it to the New York Times," said the cop.

All six of them were crammed into the backseat, and he drove off.

"We gotta get out of here!" said Zoisite. "Open the door, let's leap out!"

"I can't," said Jadeite. "We're too smooshed back here!"

"There's nothing we can do," said Beryl sadly.

* * *

Beryl was the first to be interrogated.

"I want my lawyer!" yelled Beryl instantly. "I won't tell you anything!"

"Sorry," said the interrogator who was just the cop from before. "But your lawyer's right there!"

He pointed to Kenji in the jail cell.

"I plead the fifth!" yelled Beryl.

"We don't have that amendment on our island, or even in Japan for that matter," the cop informed her sadly.

Beryl growled.

Next was Endymion.

"All right!" he cried as he was dragged in. "I'll admit it! I'll admit everything!"

"Okay," said the cop.

"It was all Kunzite's fault."

"HEY!" yelled Kunzite from the jail cell.

"Sorry," said the cop. "We don't play the blame game here."

"I plead the fifth?" asked Endymion.

The interrogator shook his head. He was tossed back into the jail cell and they dragged out Jed.

Jed was sobbing. "I'm sorry, okay?! I'm sorry! It was just such a long night, I was at my wit's end… I didn't mean to kill him, I didn't! I just wanted to knock him out for a while! But I must have hit him too hard! I tried to hide the body… but when I went to leave the cops were already there! I went to the backyard and hopped the fence, but-"

"Wait," said the interrogator. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Uh…" said Jadeite.

He got tossed back into the cell as well.

Kunzite was pulled up next.

"So," said Kunzite. "What charges exactly are you holding us on?"

The interrogator shook his head.

"What do you mean?! What the hell is this?!" cried Kunzite.

He was thrown back in the cell.

Next was Kenj.

"Hi," said Kenji.

"Hello," said the interrogator. "Tell us what happened."

"Okay," said Kenji.

The interrogator waited. "…Well?"

"Yup," said Kenji. "Say, when do I get my phone call? I have to call my boy Shingo and tell him I'm not coming home tonight!"

"No phone call," said the cop.

"This is injustice!" yelled Kenji. "I plead the fifth!"

Kenji was tossed back into the cell and they double-locked the door.

"Hey wait!" said Zoisite. "Aren't you going to interrogate me?"

"Shut up," said the cop.

"How rude!" yelled Zoisite. "I want to speak to your manager!"

"Please wait here until your trial," said the cop. He left and did not return.

* * *

Two days later, they started to get impatient.

"When's our trial?!" yelled Beryl.

She started shaking the rails. "HEY! HEY! Is anyone there?! HEY!"

No one was there.

"Why are we sitting here?" realized Kunzite. "We can just break out!"

"That's illegal," said Kenji.

Kunzite knocked him out for a while.

He proceeded to blow a hole straight through the wall.

"Would you look at that?" said Jed. "I wish I thought of that!"

They all climbed out.

"We're free!" cried Kenji, coming to. "FRrEEEEEEDOOOM!"

"Keep it down," said Zoisite.

Kenji put his arm around him.

"Not to worry my boy, the guards won't hear us!"

"Hey!" said the same police man.

"Let's leg it!" cried Beryl.

They legged it.

"AHHH!" cried Kenji, tripping. He took Zoisite down with him.

The others turned around.

"HEEEELP!" yelled Zoisite as the policeman was getting close.

Kunzite thought fast and threw Zoisite over his shoulder like a newborn.

Kenji grabbed Kunzite's leg and held on for dear life.

They made many sharp turns down alley ways, but the policeman was persistent.

They decided the only way to lose him was to use their powers.

They leapt 50 feet in the air onto a building, and Kenji was almost tossed.

But the policeman was right behind them.

"What the?!" yelled Kunzite. "That's impossible!"

They leapt from building to building but it was futile.

They jumped to the ground, and this time Kenji was in fact tossed.

He took a major hit, but crawled to his feet and kept running.

As they headed down more alleys, they jumped to the side at one point, and the policeman kept running.

They watched until he ran off into the distance.

"Phew," said Beryl. "I'm not used to running. Or moving, for that matter. What kind of hellhole country is this, treating a queen this way?!"

"Hey there, are you having some problems?" asked a voice.

They all spun around and were prepared to leg it.

"I'm President P. Willington, the king of this island. What seems to be the issue?"

He looked vaguely like the priest from the rainbow crystal eps.

"Boxy?" asked Zoisite.

"Excuse me?" asked the king/mayor. "Well, anyway, if you have any complaints please voice them to me. But not here. Please, let me escort you to City Hall."

"Hey Kunzite," said Zoisite in the back of the pack as they paced to City Hall. "Don't you think it's a little strange that the president was in that back alley?"

"This whole place has strange customs," assured Kunzite. "Remember when we were just arrested for no reason?"

"Ooooh," said Beryl in the front. "I have a LOOOOOT of complaints! I can't wait to get there!"

"Hold your horses," said the mayor/president. "We're almost there."

"Good," said Beryl.

"Can we check into the hotel yet?" asked Jadeite. "My luggage is starting to weigh me down."

"That's an empty briefcase," said Mamoru Chiba.

"Shut up Zoisite," said Jadeite.

"HEY!" yelled Zoisite.

Mamoru snickered.

"Here we are, City Hall!" said the pres. "Now come on in!"

* * *

Two days earlier…

Nephrite woke up after his long nap.

"Where's room service?" he wondered. "No one even checked me in at the front, but I was too angry to think into it. So I just left my free tickets on the desk."

He looked at the time. "Man, I didn't mean to fall asleep right after getting here, but I couldn't sleep on the plane because I was too mad."

He walked around the suite.

He opened up the mini-fridge. "Any alcohol?" he wondered.

He picked up a bottle and checked the menu.

"Ten dollars? Yeah right!"

He put it back.

"Hey guys, wanna go swimming in the pool?"

There was silence.

"What the?" wondered Neph. "Did they head out for the day without me?"

He looked around. All the beds were still perfectly made, and there were no suitcases but his own.

"Did they… not even check in yet? What's going on? Did they get lost?"

Nephrite was almost concerned for one second, but then squashed his concern. "Oh well, they shouldn't have bullied along. Time to log on my Netflix account!"

Nephrite tried to log on his Netflix account, but he couldn't get connection.

Finally he was so mad that he headed down to the pool to cool off.

He spent the whole day in the pool, the gym, the observatory, and then the pool again.

He went to sleep.

The next day, he spent the whole day in bed watching a Gumball marathon on Cartoon Network.

"I wonder how my stars are doing," he pondered

Right before bed, he unpacked his things finally and organized them in the drawers.

"I wonder where the pack is, it's been a few days now…"

He left it at that.

The next day he woke up with a note under his pillow.

"Where is room service?!" he demanded. "There's litter in my bed! Hey wait a minute, this isn't my litter!"

He opened the note.

"Dearest Nephrite, I have captured all your friends, and also Zoisite. They are being held captive at City Hall. If you don't come to save them in one hour from when you look at this note, I'll have them executed."

"D'ah," said Nephrite. "I hope they learned a valuable lesson about making me use my free tickets on them."

He went down to the pool and shut his eyes.

"Mmm, this water's nice."

"I agree," said Jadeite.

"Oh hey Jadeite," said Neph. "How come you're not kidnapped?"

"I am," said Jadeite. His image faded away.

Nephrite rubbed his eyes. "I'm just seeing things!"

"Nephrite, you're my favorite Shitennou," said Beryl.

"Who said that?!" yelled Nephrite.

Sitting on the lounging chair was Beryl sun-tanning indoors.

"Ah, Nephrite, take a seat next to me!"

"Sure, why not?" said Nephrite.

He sat down.

"I really enjoyed my days planning to take over the world with you," said Beryl.

"Haha," said Nephrite. "I enjoyed my days slacking off."

Beryl chuckled. "You might not have been my fave, but you were definitely in my top two! Why do you think I never killed you?"

"Because you wouldn't dare try," replied Nephrite.

"No," said Beryl. "I could have had Kunzite kill you. But I liked you a lot better than Jadeite or Zoisite."

Nephrite felt a pain in his heart. "Is that true?"

"There's canon evidence to suggest it," said Beryl.

Suddenly she faded away.

"Beryl?!" he said. "Oh, right, it's just a vision. You're all gonna die. But I don't care, because I'm mad! You shouldn't have decided who got to come with my tickets!"

"Haha," said Zoisite. "You're too scared to come save us, I get it!"

"No!" yelled Nephrite. "Shut up Zoisite!"

"That's what I'd say too," said Zoisite. "You're just afraid to fight anyone that already defeated Kunzite, because you know you're weaker than him."

"That's not true!" yelled Nephrite. "If we were to come to blows, it could go either way!"

Zoisite just laughed. "Even I killed you lol."

Nephrite threw a punch, but the image faded away.

"Who needs 'em?!" shouted Nephrite. "I don't need any of them! I hate them! I hate them all!"

* * *

Nephrite sprinted down the streets sweating like a beast.

"I gotta get to City Hall!" he cried.

He dashed up the steps and slammed open the double doors.

Inside were all the Shitennou and the others tied up with magic rope.

"Let them go!" yelled Nephrite. "Not that I care about them, or anything!"

The president of the island turned around on a spinning chair.

"You have a lot to learn, Nephrite!"

"How do you know my name?!" demanded Nephrite. "Who are you?!"

The president leapt out of his seat, and landed in front of Nephrite.

He spun around ten times, and on the 11th spin, it was revealed that he was none other than Nephrite's evil twin, Nephrake.

"NEPHRAKE!" shouted Nephrite. "I should have known! Something was off when I won a contest I never entered! Why didn't anyone warn me?!"

"Well," said Zoisite.

"Shut up Zoisite," said Nephrake.

He pulled out a squirrel and ate it. "Mmmm," he said.

"Wait," said Jadeite who was just noticing. "The president was Nephrake this whole time?!"

"Yes," said Nephrake. "I was also the tour guide," he said, taking the form of the tour guide. "And then I was the policeman. And finally after that, I was the president," continued Nephrake, taking all the forms as he mentioned them.

Finally he turned back into Nephrake.

Kunzite would have snapped his fingers if he wasn't tied up. "I knew something was off!"

"Yes," said Nephrake. "But wait, there's more! I was the one who sent the tickets, and I was the one who created this island!"

"Hang on," said Nephrite. "I can't create an island! Our power levels are equal, how did you do that?"

"We can create mountains," reminded Nephrake. "So I just made a bunch of mountains on the seafloor, and built them all the way up to here. It took me a couple weeks, and several more weeks to construct a whole city. I also made a volcano that was set to erupt exactly when your friends arrived."

"I should have known that it was odd that we never saw more than one person in the town at a time!" said Kenji.

"Yes," said Nephrake.

"But why?!" asked Endymion, un-informed of Nephrake's character. "Why go through all this effort?!"

"It's simple," said Nephrake. "I needed to settle the score with my twin, and finish him off once and for all! And then also finish off the rest of the Shitennou because I don't like you guys."

"What did I ever do?!" cried Kenji.

"I'm fine with you," admitted Nephrake. "But sadly you're just a sacrifice I'm willing to make."

Nephrake turned back to Nephrite, who was growling.

"Now then," said Nephrake. "Let's duel, dearest brother! And have a battle of the ages!"

Nephrake snapped his fingers, and the City Hall walls fell down. It became a huge battle arena.

Nephrite was sweating. "Nephrake is completely evenly matched with me, so it could go either way. It essentially all comes down to what I ate this morning."

Nephrite gulped. He hadn't eaten anything that morning. "I should have listened to Melvin…"

Nephrake charged at the speed of light, and Nephrite followed suit.

They began clashing at rapid speeds.

"Who's winning?" asked Kenji.

"I don't know," said Kunzite. "I can't tell which is which."

"I can't even keep up," said Zoisite.

Nephrake threw a left hook, and Nephrite dodged.

Nephrite threw a right hook, and Nephrake dodged.

They both threw a right hook at the same time, and both blows landed, doing minor damage.

They both jumped back exactly five feet.

"I call forth the power of the stars!" yelled Nephrite.

The stars, who had missed him very much, were happy to comply.

"Aww yea," said Nephrite. "Starlight Attack!"

Nephrake was hit by the edge of the energy blast, and angered.

"I can do that too, ya know!" yelled Nephrake. "I call forward the uh… what was it?"

Nephrite kicked him in the face, but Nephrake hopped back and kicked Nephrite in the face.

They both landed in the same position.

"I have to do something to turn the odds in my favor," realized Nephrake. "Otherwise this match could go on for hours!"

Nephrake took the form of Kunzite in order to intimidate his opponent.

Fake Kunzite pointed to himself. "You don't have the guts to take me!" he said in Kunzite's voice. "You're just a candle flickering in the wind!"

Nephrite was spooked. For a second he actually thought it was Kunzite.

That's when Nephrake landed a critical hit, tossing Nephrite across the stage and into the arena wall.

"Drat!" said Nephrite, falling to the ground.

The real Kunzite shivered. "I don't like this one bit. This Kunzite's totally off, who could possibly fall for this?!"

Fake Kunzite walked over to Nephrite's brutally bashed body.

"Heh heh," he said, still in Kunzite's voice. "I am Lord Kunzite of the Negaworld! I am tanner than you, and some would say handsomer! I am stronger in every way, haha! The bane of your existence!"

Nephrite got mad, and grabbed Nephrake by the leg. He threw him across the room, and he leapt to his feet and caught up to him mid-flight.

He charged an energy blast in his hand, and threw it into Kunzite's face.

"I've waited too long for that!" he said.

"Hey," said the real Kunzite. "Do you wanna die?"

"Not now," said Nephrite. "I'm saving you, jerk."

Nephrake got on his feet and growled. He decided to morph again.

This time he became Queen Beryl.

"Nephrite!" she yelled. "Why aren't you getting energy?!"

Nephrite hesitated for a moment to punch a girl, nonetheless his queen, but got over it quickly.

He socked Beryl in the chops, and fake Beryl backhanded him.

"How dare you disobey me?! Sleep forever!"

Fake Beryl's eyes lit up.

"What the?!" said Nephrite.

She fired a beam out of her eyes, and Nephrite panicked and dodged.

"How did he…?"

But it was only a lightshow, and there wasn't even an explosion when it hit the wall.

While Nephrite was confused, Beryl threw an elbow into his face.

But Nephrite grabbed it, and socked Beryl in the chops again.

"Stop damaging my face!" yelled the real Beryl. "I don't like watching this!"

Fake Beryl punched Nephrite in the chops, but Nephrite tripped her since her outfit and body-type were unfit for battle.

Nephrake toppled like a tree.

Nephrite continued his assault, and Fake Beryl couldn't keep up.

Nephrake reverted back to his regular form.

"That last form was unfit for battle and couldn't possibly move at the same speeds as my current body," commented Nephrake.

Queen Beryl growled.

"Alright, here's a good one," said Nephrake, mentally looking through his inventory.

He turned into Molly.

Nephrite had been mid-charge, but he skidded to a halt. "Molly!" he yelled. "How did you get here?!"

"You idiot!" yelled Zoisite. "It's obviously Nephrake!"

"Shup up Zoisite," said Molly.

"Nephrite, come give me a hug!" she said, not even with a Boston accent.

"MOLLY!" yelled Nephrite, running up and giving Nephrake a hug.

"Idiot," said Molly.

She fired an energy blast in her hand and shot it right through Nephrite's heart.

"MOLLLLLLYYYYY! WHY?!" he shouted. He fell to the floor.

"You gotta fight her!" yelled Jadeite. "It's not the real Molly!"

"I can't!" said Nephrite. "I can't fight anyone with Molly's face!"

Nephrake ran up and started throwing blows, and Nephrite made no effort to dodge them.

"Molly! Stop!" he cried.

"I win," said Nephrake. He fired another close-ranged blast, and Nephrite was sent into peril.

"Game's over," said Molly. She pulled out a squirrel and ate it for some mid-battle energy.

That's when Nephrite snapped out of it and went back to his senses.

"Only Nephrake eats squirrels, not Molly!" he shouted.

He ran up and grabbed Molly by the neck, and threw her to the ground.

He then picked her up and threw her to the ground.

"Nephy! Stop!" cried Nephrake.

"Nice try," said Nephrite.

He picked up her small body and snapped her spine against his knee.

He then grabbed her by the head and slammed her into the wall.

Nephrake tried to break free of the combo but his body was too small.

He converted back to Nephrake, and threw a punch.

Nephrite caught it, and threw a punch of his own.

It was caught by Nephrake, and they were now locked in arms.

They both shrieked at the top of their lungs, until they both jumped back five feet at the same second.

"This isn't working," said Nephrake. "Who else do I have?"

He scanned his tied up prisoners. "Aha," he decided.

He turned into Zoisite.

"No!" yelled the real Zoisite.

"Hehe," said fake Zoisite.

"Can you do a Jed next?" requested Jadeite.

"Shut up Jadeite," said both Zoisites.

"I'm so confused," said Nephrite.

"Typical," mocked fake Zoisite. "You're gonna end up just like Jadeite!"

"What's that supposed to mean?!" said Jadeite sadly, turning to the tied up Zoisite next to him.

"I swear!" said real Zoisite. "I'm the smartest one on the team!"

"Yes," agreed fake Zoisite.

"Stop doing that!" yelled Zoisite.

"Well actually," said Endymion.

"Hold it," said fake Zoisite. "I'll do you next. Anyway, Nephrite, you're a loser!"

"Shut up Zoisite!" said Nephrite.

"Finding the Silver Crystal is my job!" yelled Zoisite. "And also Beryl is looking for you, and she's not happy!"

"Shut up, shut up, shut up!" yelled Nephrite.

Zoisite didn't shut up, and Nephrite didn't know what to do.

"When I get home, I'm going to explode your vending machine that you love so much! And then I'll kill your human friend Molly!"

"NO!" shouted Nephrite. "I'll end you first, Zoisite!"

Nephrite charged and tried to land a punch but could not.

Him and Nephrake threw and blocked many punches.

Finally, he landed a kick right into fake Zoisite's face.

Nephrake fell back, and Nephrite felt a deep giddy.

"Wait a second," realized Nephrite. "This may be my only chance to beat down Zoisite without facing Kunzite's wrath! You made a big mistake, Nephrake!"

"You're a candle flickering in the wind!" yelled fake Zoisite.

Nephrite ran up and threw an extra-strong punch.

Nephrake went to block, but Nephrite's giddy was too strong.

Nephrite socked him in the face and then socked him again, but this time in the stomach.

This went on for a few more minutes, with Nephrake taking all the hits and not landing any.

He was easily defeated.

"You haven't seen the last of me!" said Nephrake, covered in blood.

He snapped his fingers and a hole opened in the wall.

He leapt out and into the distance.

"LOSER!" yelled Nephrite.

Once Nephrake was gone, his magical rope fell off the others.

"YOU DID IT MY BOY!" cheered Kenji. "YAHOO!"

"D'ah," said Jed. "I really wanted to see his Jadeite impression. Couldn't you have kept the fight going a little longer?"

"Shut up," said Nephrite.

Then he walked up to Zoisite. "That is what will happen if you ever try to face me. Watch yourself."

Zoisite didn't say anything.

"Let's go home," said Beryl, dusting herself off.

"Not so fast," said Nephrite. "How did you guys get tied up like that anyway? I can see someone like Zoisite, but Kunzite?"

Zoisite didn't say anything.

He was too traumatized from seeing himself get clobbered for many minutes.

"Well," explained Jadeite, "When we walked into the mayor's office, he told us to stand on this red X. And the next thing we knew, we were tied up."

"I see," said Nephrite.

"I can't believe you saved us," said Kunzite.

"It's always a 50/50 chance when fighting that guy," admitted Nephrite. "This time it went in my favor."

"No," said Kunzite. "I mean, you were so mad at us. I thought you'd just leave us here to die."

"Thanks for reminding me," said Nephrite. He left.

"He's a good guy," stated Kenji. "I'm sure he cares about us deep down."

Suddenly they saw the only plane fly away.

"Oh well," said Beryl. "I'm sure another one will come soon, right?"

* * *

They stayed on the island for ten more days until they remembered they could teleport.

They went home and went straight to bed, the whole bunch of them.

* * *

"How was the trip?" asked Molly.

"You're lucky you didn't go," said Nephrite. He left it at that.

FIN


	163. Jadeite Floods the Negaverse

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"How about you go find a new way to brainwash Mamoru Chiba?" asked Beryl.

"Sorry," said Jadeite. "Not in my job description."

Beryl sighed. "Someday…"

Jadeite strolled out the door. "My job is getting increasingly easy. I haven't thought of a new source of energy in months but she's yet to call my bluff."

He went home, but was bored.

"What can I do today?" he thought to himself. "I don't want to spend another weekend floating in my space."

He went over to Kunzite's castle, but no one was home.

He let himself in.

"Nice place," he thought. "I should build one of these, I totally could with ease!"

After roaming for a half an hour, he went to the kitchen and ate all the snacks in the fridge.

"Mmm," he said. "We don't have snacks like these on my side of the Negaverse. All we have is a snack machine."

With a full tummy, Jadeite took to the halls again.

He saw an expensive vase and pocketed it.

"I'm a bold guy," he told himself.

Next he saw a room labeled, "Do not enter!"

"Oh boy!" he thought and entered.

There was just a desk with a book on it.

Jadeite opened it.

"Oh boy, Zoisite's diary!" he said giddily.

He flipped to a random page and started reading. "Today I bothered Nephrite. He's really mean for a good looking guy."

"Okay, enough of this," said Jadeite, putting the diary down.

Next he raided Kunzite's dressers.

"Wowee, look at this cape!" he said putting it on, along with the shoulder things.

He strutted around in front of the mirror. "I can get used to this! Lord Jadeite of the Negaverse. Mmmm, has a nice ring!"

He skipped with the cape on back down to the kitchen.

"Dang, I ate all the snacks!"

He ransacked the cupboard but it had no more snacks. He did however find a box of Craft macaroni and cheese.

"It's my lucky day! I haven't cooked anything since the Silver Millennium, but how hard could it be to follow box instructions?"

Jadeite tried to follow the instructions but they were too fast paced.

He ended up launching a bowl of cheese water into the air.

"AHHHH!" he yelled.

The pot landed on his head, and he couldn't see.

"Where am I!?" he howled.

He ran in circles until tripping and falling down the stairs.

Finally he managed to pull the pot off his head.

That's when he looked down to see the cape was in ruins – ripped and covered in mac and cheese.

"Uh oh," said Jadeite. "I gotta fix this before Kunzite arrives!"

"I have arrived," announced Kunzite walking in.

'Who are you talking to?" asked Zoisite, entering as well.

Kunzite thought about it. "My cape. I need to go say hi to it."

Jadeite yelped and made a mad dash.

Kunzite entered the kitchen. "Zoisite," he said. "Did you eat all the food?"

"No," said Zoisite. "I have to keep my figure."

He spotted the mess that was Jadeite's attempt at mac and cheese.

"I think some kind of animal got in here," he said. "Perhaps a raccoon."

"In the Negaverse?" asked Kunzite. "Maybe it was one of those less-civilized Youmas."

"That's not right," said Zoisite. "There are no more Youmas. Jadeite disposed of them all with his failed schemes."

"Sad times," said Kunzite. "Do you think this mac is still edible?"

"I wouldn't eat that," recommended Zoisite.

"Hey look, there's some cheese-covered footprints!" spotted Kunzite. "Let's go find the beast!"

Jadeite heard Kunzite's voice approaching him.

"YeeeEEEE!" he cried, skittering into the bathroom and locking the door.

Kunzite pulled on the door.

"Who's in there? Come out at once, the jig is up!"

Jadeite started to panic. "If I'm just in the house they won't be that mad. But if they see this cape, I will be no more!"

Jadeite thought fast and flushed the cape down the toilet.

However, it didn't make it all the way.

"No no no no!" cried Jadeite, trying with the plunger.

"What's going on in there?!" demanded Kunzite.

Suddenly water started pouring out of the bathroom.

"AHHHHH!" yelled Jadeite.

"Jadeite, is that you?" shouted Kunzite. "What's going on?!"

Suddenly the door broke down and water came gushing out.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" yelled Jadeite getting carried away with the current.

"Why I oughtta!" yelled Kunzite but he was swept off his feet.

Zoisite tried to hold onto the doorframe but it didn't work.

Soon they were shot out of the castle in a burst of water and plummeted into the abyss.

"This is the end," said Zoisite as they fell into the bottomless pit.

"Jadeite, are those my shoulder pads you're wearing?" asked Kunzite.

"No," lied Jadeite.

But instead of falling forever, they landed in a pool of water.

"What the?!" said Kunzite in shock. He looked up to see his castle pouring out water like the Niagara Falls.

Soon, the water had rose so high that they were no longer in the abyss.

"Phew," said Jadeite. "That was a close one."

Kunzite and Zoisite watched as all their furniture floated out.

"No, my diary!" cried Zoisite as the diary floated past him.

He snatched it and quickly pocketed it.

"Bad diary," commented Jadeite.

"You're gonna pay for this!" yelled Zoisite.

He was about to tackle Jadeite when Queen Beryl floated by on her throne.

"What the hell did you do this time?!" shouted Beryl.

"Me?!" said Zoisite.

"Yeah, you!" yelled Beryl. "It's all coming from your house!"

"It's Jadeite's fault!" cried Zoisite. "You should punish him!"

"Maybe I should punish you, Zoisite!" shouted Beryl.

Meanwhile Kunzite watched sadly as his TV floated by.

Kenji road past on a fishing boat with his fishing rod in the water.

"Lovely day!" he called and then was gone.

The water was nearing the Negaroof now.

"Watch out for the stalactites!" cried Kunzite.

The Negaverse was a lost cause. It was no longer with them.

They teleported above ground sadly and stood at the North Pole.

"Well this is inconvenient," said Beryl.

"Yes," said Zoisite. "It's a little chilly since we're wet."

His clothes began to freeze. He had to remove them.

"Sad times," thought Kunzite.

Endymion appeared besides them. "Good work Zoisite."

"I didn't do anything!" he cried.

"Tell it to the New York Times," said Evil Endymion. "I'm going home to my apartment."

"Can we come too?" asked Beryl. "We're kind of homeless at the moment."

"No," said Endymion. He left.

"Well now what?" said Beryl.

* * *

Nephrite sat at home, watching TV.

"I love living on Earth, all by myself with no annoying tenants," he said out loud.

He heard a knock on his door.

"I swear, if this is Zoisite or Jadeite…"

"Don't worry," said Zoisite. "It's both of us."

Nephrite opened the door.

"Kunzite?! Beryl?! And Kenji!? What is this, some kind of jamboree?!"

"Zoisite flooded the Negaverse," said Beryl sadly.

Zoisite tried to throw a punch but it had no effect.

"So we're moving in," concluded Beryl.

"Uh, no," said Nephrite.

"Uh, yes," said Beryl walking in.

The rest of them followed.

"I hope you don't mind if I leave my bags here," said Kenji, dropping 20 suitcases in the doorway.

"Yes, I do mind," said Nephrite.

Neph opened up one of the suitcases.

It was full of toast.

"Why are you here?" demanded Nephrite.

"I wanted to come to the jamboree," admitted Kenji. "I'm actually not homeless; I have a nice house. But I like to consider the Negaverse my home away from Shingo."

Nephrite understood. "Okay, you're fine," he decided. "But the rest of you can't stay here."

Zoisite threw himself on the couch. "What's the matter, Nephrite?" he asked. "I pretty much live here anyway!"

Beryl shoved her throne through the door and positioned it in front of Nephrite's TV.

"Hey!" said Zoisite. "Move it!"

"Sorry," said Beryl. She left it at that, and turned on Uncle Grandpa.

"Man," said Nephrite. "It just hasn't been my week."

* * *

One day later…

Nephrite rolled over and felt someone next to him.

"Molly?" he asked hopefully.

"No," said Jadeite. "There were no more sleeping bags so I decided to bunk with you!"

"This isn't a bunk," said Nephrite. "This is an invasion of my space, and I'm uncomfortable."

"Sad times," said Jadeite. "But you'll get used to it eventually!"

"No I won't," said Nephrite.

He stepped outside and looked at his mansion.

"I'll miss this place," he said sadly.

He walked back in with 100 sticks of dynamite and tossed them everywhere.

"Hey, can you move out of the way?" said Zoisite. "I'm watching TV."

Nephrite swapped out the remote in Zoisite's hand with a dynamite stick.

"What's wrong with this thing?" asked Zoisite. "It won't let me go to the guide."

The house exploded.

Everyone stood in the rubble.

"Well that was rude," said Zoisite.

"SHIT!" realized Nephrite. "I blew up the stars!"

"Not to worry my boy," said Kenji. "I'll be your star."

Nephrite face-palmed. "Now what do we do?"

Beryl was not happy.

* * *

Mamoru Chiba heard a knock on his door. He didn't answer it.

"I've got this," said Jadeite.

He went outside and flew up to the window. He banged on the window.

Mamoru closed the blinds.

He turned up his TV.

"There's nothing we can do," said Kunzite. "That Endymion bested me again."

* * *

Grandpa heard a knock on his door, and took out a rifle.

"Who is it?" asked Rei.

"It's the tax collectors," said Grandpa. "They're trying to repossess the temple!"

"Why would that be?" asked Rei.

"No time!" said Grandpa. "Take this samurai sword! Chad, load the cannons and fill up the moat!"

"Yes sensei!" called Chad.

Grandpa answered the door.

"Hey," said Beryl.

"Hello," said Grandpa, not sure what their intentions were. "Have you come to recruit me to the dark force? I'm ready."

"Well, not exactly," said Beryl. "We need a place to stay…"

"OHH!" said Grandpa. "Why didn't you say so? Come on in, please, make yourselves at home!"

They all nervously stepped inside.

It looked surprisingly normal.

Jadeite checked the basement for children.

"This is odd," he said. "None to be found."

"Now," said Grandpa. "As you know, there are some rules here. I won't make you pay rent while you're down on your luck, as long as you follow my demands."

"Oh no," said the Shitennou and Beryl.

Kenji just shrugged. "I can go home any time if this gets too weird," he told himself.

"What are your demands?" asked Beryl finally.

"Hmm," said Grandpa with a smirk.

* * *

Beryl angrily walked out with the maid costume on.

"This is offensive," she stated. "I am a queen."

"Queens are not homeless," stated Grandpa.

Queen Beryl didn't have a response.

"Now where's my tea?" asked Grandpa.

"Yes, Grandpa," said Beryl bitterly.

"Eh eh eh," said Grandpa, wagging his finger. "That's Grandpa-sama to you!"

"Yes, Grandpa-sama!" shouted Beryl.

"Good girl," said Grandpa. "It better be good tea, with lots of love!"

"Hahahhahaha," laughed Zoisite to the others. "Look at Beryl, this is hilarious!"

"Hey there," said Grandpa approaching.

Zoisite got on guard.

"First order of business," he said. "Put on this wig, young lady."

"Are you talking to me?" asked Zoisite.

"I see no other young ladies," stated Grandpa.

"Kunzite help!" said Zoisite.

"Sorry," said Kunzite. "My hands are tied."

Zoisite put on the blonde wig.

"Mmm," said Grandpa. "Now, do you want a maid outfit, or maybe a school swimsuit?"

"How about neither," said Zoisite.

Grandpa shook his head sadly. "You just don't understand," he said. "Do you want to go back to the streets?"

"Uh… no," said Zoisite.

"Then one or the other!" shouted Grandpa.

Zoisite put on the Japanese school uniform swimsuit. "This is unfortunate. Why did you give me a girl swimsuit?"

"Why do you think?" said Grandpa. "You are a smart girl, you can figure it out."

"This is humiliating," muttered Zoisite.

"What do you want me to do?" asked Jadeite.

"Haha," thought Grandpa. "I have the best task for you."

Jadeite waited.

Grandpa passed him a broom.

"You're the new Chad, pal! Have fun!"

"What happened to the old Chad?!" cried Jadeite.

"I put him to rest," said Grandpa. "Now go sweep the flame room."

"Yes Grandpa-sama," said Jadeite.

Nephrite and Kunzite cowered in the corner.

"Maybe he won't spot us," said Kunzite.

"Kunzite my boy!" said Grandpa.

Kunzite sighed. "I'll take the swimsuit."

"No, no," said Grandpa. "I want you to court my young daughter Rei."

"I'm sorry," said Kunzite. "But that ship simply won't work."

"Why not?" asked Grandpa. "You see, my girl Rei is a very good girl. However she seems to have fallen for some homeless bum that has since deceased. You seem like a respectable guy, though. Go win her heart!"

"I'm sorry," said Kunzite. "I like boys."

"So do I," said Grandpa. "You can date me instead if you don't want Rei."

Kunzite thought about it. "I'll go talk to that Rei!"

He fled.

"Alright, do your worst!" yelled Nephrite.

Grandpa looked him over.

"Spin around," he suggested.

Nephrite spun around.

"Mmmmmmm," said Grandpa. "This might work. Spin around the other way."

Nephrite complied because he had no choice.

"Alright, that's enough," said Grandpa. "I'll have it ready soon enough, so just you wait."

Nephrite was upset. "This is the worst yet! The suspense is killing me!"

Suddenly Beryl re-emerged.

"Here's your tea," she said. "I haven't made tea before in my life, so I tried my best."

"It's okay, as long as you made it with love!" said Grandpa.

"What do you mean?" asked Beryl.

"Now follow my lead," said Grandpa.

He made a heart with his hands and struck a pose. "Here's your tea, master! I made it with a LOT of LOVE!"

Then he blew a kiss.

"Now do that," he stated.

"I don't think I can," said Beryl sadly.

"Well you have no home," reminded Grandpa. "You don't wanna end up on the streets, do you?"

"No," said Beryl.

She shakily made her hands into a heart. She had to put all her energy into keeping her hands in that position.

"Your arms are shaking," said Grandpa.

"Please make it stop," pleaded Beryl.

"No, sadly," said Grandpa shaking his head. "Now finish the routine!"

Beryl struck a pose weakly.

"4/10," commented Grandpa.

"Here's your tea…"

Grandpa waited.

"M-m-m-m-m-mas-"

"Dammit, I'm a queen!" Beryl shouted.

She threw the tea in Grandpa's face, and then threw herself at him.

Grandpa wasn't ready for this surprise attack and took the blow.

She spawned a giant crystal. "AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" she yelled as she went to throw it.

"No, don't!" yelled Jadeite.

"Stop!" yelled Nephrite. "You can't defeat him!"

Beryl paused. But then she picked the crystal back up. "I know that, but it's too late now. I already dug my own grave, it's too late to go back. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" she shouted again.

She threw the crystal, and it shattered against Grandpa's rock hard chest.

Grandpa shook his head. "You had so much potential."

He grabbed her by the neck within an instant.

"Please, no!" she yelled.

He shook his head again, then ended her story.

"QUEEN BERYL!" cried Jadeite. "You're gonna pay for that!"

He shot lightning out of his palms. It was a direct hit.

Smoke shot out in all directions, and Jadeite grabbed his mop and charged with all he had.

The other Shitennou waited, but Jadeite did not emerge.

The smoke cleared and there were no remains of Jadeite. It was as if he never existed.

Grandpa wiped the dust off his shirt.

"Anyone else?" he asked.

The other Shitennou took a step back.

"That's what I thought," said Grandpa. He sat down and pulled out his newspaper as if he hadn't just killed two people.

They all met up in the kitchen.

"We gotta get out of here!" cried Zoisite. "We're goners!"

"There's no way we can escape," said Kunzite. "He'll hear us a mile away!"

"What are we talking about?" asked Grandpa, standing behind them.

They all leapt back ten feet and shrieked.

Grandpa waited. "What are we talking about?"

"Uh, nothing," said Nephrite. "We were just talking about how… uh, you could use a glass of lemonade! I think we left some in our bags outside!"

They all started to walk towards the door.

Grandpa raised an eyebrow.

Nephrite decided it was all or nothing and bolted for the exit.

He looked to the side, expecting to see the Shitennou following behind him, but there was no one at his side.

Zoisite and Kunzite just hung their heads, not wanting to watch another death.

Nephrite threw open the door and sprinted outside.

He dashed down the temple steps. "Where can I teleport to safety? The Negaverse is still flooded! I know, I'll go to Molly's house!"

He stopped and began his instantaneous teleport.

But suddenly something impaled him in the heart.

It was Grandpa's jab.

Nephrite looked down at Grandpa's hand that was where his heart used to be.

He died.

Zoisite and Kunzite looked at each other.

"Should we try to escape since Grandpa's outside?" asked Zoisite.

"Don't even speak of it," said Kunzite. "Look."

Grandpa was sitting in his chair, reading his paper.

"I'll have some steak," stated Grandpa.

Kunzite spawned some steak.

"Hmm," said Grandpa. "I like mine medium."

Kunzite lit his palms ablaze and roasted the steak.

"Yum," said Grandpa, digging in.

Five hours later, he finished the newspaper and stood up.

"Where are you going?" asked Zoisite suspiciously.

"It's time for bed," said Grandpa. "I expect the temple cleaned inside and out, since all my helpers are dead. If I wake up and see a particle of dust, you know what will happen."

Grandpa started up the stairs, but then paused.

"It didn't have to be this way," he said sadly. "But you can thank your queen and those other fools!"

Grandpa went to bed.

Zoisite and Kunzite stood there for two hours.

"I think we're in the clear," said Kunzite at last.

They slowly tip-toed to Grandpa's bedroom, and took a peek inside.

He was lying face-down and snoring.

"Alright," said Kunzite. "I'm gonna go fetch Kenji from the basement. You wait outside."

"Should we really split up?" asked Zoisite.

"Don't worry," said Kunzite nervously. "If I run into Grandpa I can take him."

"Okay," said Zoisite, despite the fact that neither of them believed that.

Kunzite started tip-toeing down the hall.

"Where are we going?" asked Grandpa behind him.

Kunzite nearly jumped out of his skin.

He slowly turned around, causing a loud creaking sound effect.

Grandpa was standing there with a candle under his face, creating a ghoulish shadow effect. He looked like a demon straight out of hell.

"Nice candle," said Kunzite.

"Where are we going?" repeated Grandpa.

"I'm just going to Rei's room," said Kunzite, thinking on his feet.

"Ahhhh, good!" said Grandpa. "For a second I thought you were trying to escape!"

"HAha, yeah right!" said Kunzite sweating like an animal. "Actually, I'm getting kind of tired. I think I'm gonna go to bed and then talk to Rei tomorrow!"

"Okay," said Grandpa. "Goodnight."

Kunzite went into his bedroom and Grandpa went into his.

"Alright, forget about Kenji," said Kunzite. "He has his own house. If I want to get out of here alive, I'm going to have to escape now."

He climbed out the window and met Zoisite outside.

"Let's get out of here!" exclaimed Zoisite.

"Where are we gonna teleport?" asked Kunzite.

"Anywhere but here!" said Zoisite.

That's when they were spotted by the crows.

The black birds let out a loud shriek.

"No!" cried Zoisite.

They teleported as fast as they could, because despite Grandpa's unrealistic speed, he couldn't defy physics and make it there that fast.

* * *

They appeared in Crown Arcade.

"We're safe here," said Kunzite. "He can't hurt us!"

Zoisite nodded. "This place isn't even open."

Luna looked over from the arcade booth she was talking to, and let out a shriek.

"No!" she cried. "How did you find me?!"

Kunzite ended her. "Feels good," he said.

"Let's camp here for the night," suggested Zoisite. "Then maybe we can gather up some funds and get an apartment very far away from here, and put this whole thing behind us."

Kunzite agreed.

That night, Grandpa found them and ended them in one blow before they could even wake up.

"Well then," said Grandpa. "They'll be respawned by that Metalia character once the Negaverse dries out. However, I kindly invited them into my home for free, and they betrayed me. I see how it is. This isn't over!"

* * *

Kenji woke up the next morning, still at Grandpa's house.

He opened up one of his suitcases and pulled out a piece of toast.

"Mmm," he said.

He entered the living room.

Grandpa was reading his paper.

"Where are my boys the Shitennou?" asked Kenji.

"They passed," said Grandpa sadly.

"Ah," said Kenji. "I think I'll go home to Shingo now."

"Goodbye," said Grandpa.

"Farewell," said Kenji.

FIN


	164. Zoisite's Treasure Hunt

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Jadeite, get out of my house!" shouted Beryl. "Who gave you my address?!"

"No one," said Jadeite. "The Negaverse doesn't have very many houses, so I looked you up in the single page phonebook."

"Never question me!" yelled Beryl.

She threw Jadeite out and chain-locked the door.

* * *

"Hmm," said Zoisite on a random island in the Caribbean.

"Beryl sent me out to find the next rainbow crystal, but for some reason the Black Crystal sent me here! I think it needs to be looked at by a professional."

He called Nephrite.

"Hey my boy," he said enthusiastically.

"Oh, you again," said Nephrite. "What do you want?"

"Remember that Black Crystal you gave me?" asked Zoisite.

"I never gave you that," said Nephrite.

"Well you did. I was just wondering if I could bring it in for a repair…"

"Haha, good one," said Nephrite.

"I agree," said Zoisite. "So how does 8 o'clock sound?"

Nephrite hung up.

"I guess he's busy then," concluded Zoisite. "Maybe this thing actually is working properly, I just don't see the person yet. Gamer Joe, are you here?"

His voice echoed but there was no answer.

"I'm here to save you from the island you're stranded on, Joey!"

Joe didn't respond.

"Hmm," said Zoisite. "I'll go check in the wilderness."

After nearly dying to a pack of shriekers, Zoisite was able to make it to a safe clearing.

"That was close," he said in a shaky voice. "Good thing my survival instincts kicked in. Hey, what's this?"

Zoisite reached down and picked up a treasure map.

"Woah, a treasure map! This looks like Japan! This is happening the opposite of how it should have. I should have been in Japan and found a map of an island. But oh well."

Zoisite gave up on the crystals for the day. "I'll wait for Nephrite to repair this. Meanwhile, time to find this treasure!"

The instructions and key for the map were a set of riddles.

"Hmm," thought Zoisite. "I don't have time for this. I'll just dig up all of Japan, I'm bound to find the treasure eventually!"

He teleported to Japan with a shovel.

"Time for some manual labor!" he said, tying his Shitennou jacket around his waist.

* * *

Two minutes later…

Zoisite fell to the ground defeated.

"I gave up," he said. "Manual labor takes too much work. I won't be able to do this alone."

He thought about it for a while.

"I need a couple of suckers to do all the work and then give me all the reward. But where can I find fools like that?"

* * *

Melvin and Molly stood there, examining the map.

"Where did you find this?" asked Molly.

"Don't worry about it," said Zoisite.

Melvin tried to pick up the shovel but it was too heavy.

"Can you give me a hand, Zoycite?"

"It's Zoisite," said Zoisite. "Don't call me my dub name, Umino."

"Sorry ma'am," said Melvin. "Can I have a lighter shovel?"

"No," said Zoisite.

He left it at that.

"Anyway," said Molly. "Why did you pick us?"

"Oh," said Zoisite. "Because you seem like a couple of fools. I mean a couple of tools. I mean… I'll give you 1/32nd of all the profits you earn!"

"Wowee!" said Melvin. "I don't need to be smart at math to know that's a good deal!"

"Alright," said Zoisite. "Time to get crack-o-lackin'. Call me when you find the treasure."

He started to walk away.

"What are you gonna do?" asked Molly.

"I found the map," explained Zoisite. "It took me like so long. That was the real brains of this operation."

"Hmm," said Melvin. "Map finding is tough. Let's hop to getting that treasure, Molly!"

"Yahoo!" agreed Molly.

Zoisite left.

"Fools," he snickered.

Melvin pulled out his trusty MacBook Pro and started typing into it like a madman.

"Maylvin!" said Molly. "What are you up to?"

Melvin snorted. "I have an app on my MacBook Pro that can decipher code."

"Why do you always need to specify what Mac product you have?" asked Molly. "You could just say Mac."

"No, no, no," said Melvin. "Then you might think it's a cheaper model."

Molly nodded in understanding.

Infrared light shot out of the camera on the Mac and scanned the sheet of paper.

It translated the code into Japanese.

"Good thing I study this language," said Dub Melvin.

He pulled out a compass. "This way!" he howled. "Thirty paces east!"

When he got there, Molly was no longer with him.

"How'd I lose her?" he wondered.

He backtracked twenty paces west.

"Molly!" he sighed. "I told you to go east!"

"I don't have a compass," said Molly.

"You could have followed me," said Melvin.

"Eh, I saw some kids from school and I didn't want to be seen with you."

Melvin hung his head. "Sad times," he said.

He drank a cranberry milkshake to feel better.

He was now energized and started doing jumping jacks.

"This is why I don't want to be seen with you," sighed Molly.

"ONWARD!" yelled Melvin. "Hup hup hup!"

Molly waited several minutes until they were separated and then followed.

They stopped at the only pine tree in the area.

"This is the spot," said Melvin. He adjusted his bifocals. "We must run circles around this exactly eight times!"

"I'm not doing that," said Molly.

"You have to!" cried Melvin. He had somehow acquired a Sherlock Holmes outfit and was holding a magnifying glass.

Molly could no longer question his legitimacy.

They circled the tree and then headed back down the street.

"Double take three times!" shouted Melvin suddenly.

"Huh?!" said Molly.

"Good, now two more times!" said Melvin.

They kept going.

They went through many trials, until arriving at a red X in the dirt.

"Here it is," said Melvin. "Did you bring the shovel?"

"No," said Molly.

"That's okay," said Melvin. "I'll just dig with my hands! Hold my MacBook Pro!"

Molly held onto it for dear life as Melvin went burrowing in the dirt like a mole.

Ten minutes later she heard Melvin shriek.

"YOUCH!" he yelled. "I smashed into something metal!"

Molly leapt into the hole.

She fell for hours, or it felt like hours anyway.

Then, she landed in a pool of water.

When she rose to the surface, she was in a room filled with pure gold, diamonds, and the Silver Imperial Crystal.

"AHHHHHHHHH!" cried Molly. "It's beautiful! My mummy will never have to restock the jewelry store again!"

"Wait," said Melvin. "Where's my MacBook Pro?"

It floated to the surface of the pool.

Melvin gasped.

He dove in after it.

"HELP!" he shrieked. "I can't swim!"

He flailed his arms rapidly, but it was no use.

"Take the gold out of your pockets!" cried Molly.

"I can't!" said Melvin. "It's MIIIIINE!"

He sunk to the bottom.

Molly had to rescue him.

"Phew," he said coughing up water.

Then he remembered.

"AH!" he cried. "The MacBook is drowning! Save it, Molly!"

"Okay!" said Molly.

She swam back to the bottom, but suddenly she got leg cramps.

She reached for the MacBook anyway, but her foot got tangled in some vines.

"NO!" she gurgled.

Ten minutes later Molly surfaced from the water coughing.

"I'm… I'm alive!" she exclaimed, gasping for breath. She collapsed.

"Oh no!" squealed Melvin.

He ran towards Molly and then kept going. He snatched the MacBook that was in her hands and cradled it like a baby.

"Are you okay?!" he cried. "Thank heavens you're waterproof!"

He examined the screen. "Molly!" he barked. "There's a scratch on my screen cover! What gives?! Those things cost $30!"

Molly unfortunately was unable to respond as she had almost died.

"D'ah," said Melvin.

* * *

20 minutes later Molly came to.

Melvin was making snow angels out of the gold. "I can't wait for my 1/32nd reward!"

"Should we call that Zoisite guy now then?" asked Molly.

"Of course," said Melvin. "We promised we'd call him if we found the treasure!"

He went to FaceTime him on his MacBook Pro.

"Well?" said Molly.

"Change of plans," said Melvin suddenly. "We take all the treasure and don't tell Zoisite at all."

"That sounds like a horrible plan," said Molly. "Zoisite will end us."

"Nah," said Melvin. "We'll tell him the map was a hoax."

* * *

The next day, Zoisite appeared in front of them.

"Well?" he demanded. "How was the hunt?"

Melvin hung his head. "Sadly, there was no treasure."

"Aww gee, seriously?" said Zoisite. "That's a real shame!"

"Yeah," said Melvin.

He waited for Zoisite to apologize for the trouble he caused them but he did not.

"Well, you win some you lose some," said Zoisite at last. "So long. And just because you helped me, I won't kill you today."

Melvin almost felt guilty, but Molly shook her head at him.

"Goodbye," said Zoisite.

Suddenly something bright caught his eye.

"Hey, that's an interesting new cover you got on your MacBook Pro," noted Zoisite.

"Yes," agreed Melvin. "It looks like real gold, doesn't it?"

Zoisite closely examined it. "Wait a minute, this is real gold! Is your family really that rich, Melvin? Why do you go to a public school?"

"Well, umm," said Melvin breaking a sweat. "You see,"

Molly started to butt in.

"Hey," said Zoisite. "Are those diamond earrings? They have to be over 20 karats!"

"Yes," said Molly. "My mom owns a jewelry store."

"I know that," said Zoisite. "But those are biiiiiig diamonds!"

"Heh heh," chuckled Molly nervously. "They were a birthday gift!"

"And the diamond encrusted shoes?" asked Zoisite.

"Yep, those too!" choked Molly.

"Very interesting," said Zoisite. "Oh well."

He teleported away.

"I can't believe that worked," said Melvin.

"Why did you show up with your golden MacBook case?!" demanded Molly.

"Why did you come with diamond earrings?" retorted Melvin.

Their limo showed up.

"Looks like we slid under the radar this time!" said Melvin giddily. "See, I told you it would work!"

They hopped in the limo.

"Take us to California!" demanded Melvin.

"California? From Tokyo?" asked the limo driver. "That would be very expensive."

"Don't worry," said Melvin. "We just found some hidden treasure!"

"Oh," said Zoisite who was driving the limo. "Alright, I'll take you there immediately."

"Thank you," said Melvin. "And make it snappy!"

Zoisite started to drive.

"This is the life," said Molly, stepping into the hot tub.

"Hey," said Melvin. "I'll have a caviar smoothie!"

"Here you go," said Zoisite.

"Thanks," said Melvin, reaching in his wallet. "Do you accept gold bars?"

"Yes," said Zoisite.

Melvin handed him three gold bars.

Zoisite put them down.

"Sit back and enjoy your ride!" he told them.

Molly looked out the window.

"Hoy Melvin? Is it just me, or is this limo off the ground?"

"AHHH!" cried Melvin, seeing that they were ten feet off the ground and still rising.

He tried to open the door but Zoisite locked it.

"LET ME OUT!?" screamed Melvin.

A portal appeared and Zoisite drove in.

"Where are you taking us?!" demanded Molly. "Is this some sort of negative dimension?"

"You have a lot to learn," said Zoisite.

Then their vision went dark.

* * *

Melvin and Molly awoke, and they were tied back to back.

"Welcome to the Negaverse," said Zoisite now in uniform.

"How'd you know we found the treasure and didn't tell you?" asked Melvin.

"Because I'm not stupid," said Zoisite. "I'm actually a pretty smart guy!"

"We'll never tell you the location!" yelled Melvin.

"Melvin," said Molly. "Maybe we should tell him the location. He's gonna torture the information out of us!"

"No way!" said Melvin. "I don't care what you do to me, I'll never tell! You can't kill us, because then you'll never know where it is!"

"Don't worry," said Zoisite. "I'm not gonna torture you. But I can't say the same about your friend."

Melvin turned around and saw his MacBook Pro which was tied to a torture bed.

Zoisite cracked his whip.

"No!" cried Melvin. "He's innocent! Stop, you'll scratch the screen!"

"That's too bad," said Zoisite. "Don't make me download a virus!"

"NOOOOOOOO!" squeaked Melvin. "My warranty has run out!"

"Hmm," said Zoisite. "You put me in a tight spot."

"OKAY!" cried Melvin. "I'll tell!"

He gave Zoisite exact coordinates to the treasure.

Zoisite took out a notebook and wrote them down.

"Now can you let us go?" asked Melvin.

"Sorry," said Zoisite. He pushed them into the abyss.

"Now to claim my treasure!"

Zoisite teleported to the coordinates.

It was the middle of the ocean.

"Dammit!" he yelled. "That nerd gave me the wrong coordinates on purpose! I should have checked before I killed them! D'ah."

Zoisite pawned Melvin's MacBook Pro but it didn't get as much money as he expected.

He pulled out his treasure map. "Alright, back to square one!"

He examined the riddles.

"I don't have time for this," he said.

* * *

"Okay…" said Motoki, with his sister. "I've been good at crossword puzzles since I was a kid! I can definitely solve this!"

"Good," said Zoisite. "Call me when you find the treasure!"

FIN


	165. The Shitennou Get Marooned

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"What is it?" asked Beryl.

"It's called the United States of America!" explained Jadeite.

"Isn't that that place where everyone's fat?" asked Beryl.

"Indeed," said Jadeite. "Due to this fact, the entire country is an untapped energy reserve. Also, according to my calculations, I don't think any Sailors live there that would spoil our plan!"

"Hmm, hmm," considered Beryl. "I never thought about sending someone to a place that wasn't Japan. Except for that time I sent someone to attack London once. But Sailor V was there, and she may or may not be Sailor Venus."

"Who's Sailor Venus?" asked Jadeite.

"That's what we want to know," said Beryl. "Anyway, your plan is actually exceptional for once. I'm going to send the whole pack!"

"Please don't," begged Jadeite. "I don't like those guys. They'll just come and take things over."

"I'm sorry," said Beryl. "But you're too incompetent to go alone."

Beryl blew a whistle and the boys appeared.

"Queen Beryl!" said Kunzite. "What is your demand?"

"You all are going with Jadeite to collect energy in America."

"America," thought Nephrite, trying to place the name. "Is that the place where everyone's fat?"

"Correct," said Beryl.

"Mmm," said Nephrite. "Sounds like a piece of cake."

"It ought to be," continued Beryl. "Americans are also dumb."

"I see," said Nephrite. "So should we teleport right away?"

"Nope," said Beryl. "I'm not sure if your teleport can reach that far."

"Can't we teleport from the North Pole to Japan?" asked Kunzite.

"No," said Beryl. "You need a portal for that."

"I never really got that part," said Jadeite. "Why was there a portal to the Negaverse in the middle of a shop? And how come we were never seen using it?"

"Plot holes are best left unmentioned," explained Beryl. "Your flight will leave in a few seconds. Teleport to Tokyo airport at once!"

"Oh man, I hate that place," said Jadeite sadly. "I got run over by a plane."

"Yes," said Zoisite. "I saw the whole thing. Good stuff. Beryl recorded it on her ball, wanna watch?"

"No," said Beryl. "We'll watch it when you get back, your flight is leaving!"

"Can I watch Kunzite's death?" asked Nephrite. "Or Zoisite's. Both are a classic!"

"Can I see Nephrite's death?" asked Zoisite.

"Sorry," said Beryl. "I turned the other way when that one happened. But I could bring up Zoisite's!"

"Let's go to the airport," said Kunzite, knowing his death was next.

Kunzite teleported them to the airport.

"Rats!" said Nephrite.

They hopped on the plane at the last second and it took off.

"Shouldn't we have packed something?" asked Zoisite.

"No," said Jadeite. "Things are for squares."

"We can just buy some stuff in America," said Nephrite. "I heard their economy is unstable."

"Is that a fact?" wondered Kunzite. "I don't want to have to eat McDonald's every day."

"That's unfortunate," said Jadeite. "I heard that's the only food they have there."

* * *

They were five hours into the flight.

"Hey Nephrite, it's my turn with the armrest!" yelled Zoisite, shoving his arm.

"Hey, back off!" said Nephrite. "It hasn't been ten minutes. Why aren't you sitting with Kunzite?"

"Sorry," said Jadeite, sitting next to Kunzite. "Zoisite, you sat down at the window seat, but Kunzite wanted a window seat too."

"Well you could have said so, Kunzite!" complained Zoisite. "Instead of sitting with that clown!"

"Can we swap?" Nephrite asked Jadeite.

"Sorry," said Jadeite. "They said we're not allowed to stand up."

"I don't care," said Nephrite. "It will only be a second."

Nephrite stood up.

"Sit down!" shouted the pilot.

"Go to hell!" shouted Nephrite. He got in the walkway and tried to pull Jadeite out of his seat.

"NO!" cried Jadeite. "I won't break the rules! I won't do it!"

The pilot leapt out of his seat. "I said, sit down!"

"You wanna go old man?!" shouted Nephrite.

"Ye!" said the pilot.

He threw himself at Nephrite, and Nephrite threw a chop.

The pilot was dead before he hit the ground.

Nephrite sat back down next to Zoisite.

"You win some you lose some," he decided.

"Hey wait a minute," said Zoisite. "Who's flying the plane?"

"Obviously the co-pilot," said Nephrite.

"No," said Jadeite sadly. "He died of unknown causes."

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed the Shitennou.

"Wait, Jadeite!" recalled Zoisite. "You can control planes with your mind!"

But Jadeite was panicking.

He grabbed his oxygen mask and started breathing into it.

"Jadeite!" shouted Zoisite. "Move the plane!"

"Don't worry," said Kunzite. "If Jadeite can do it I can!"

Kunzite shot lightning out of his palms, but it wasn't the same kind of lightning, and it broke a hole through the plane.

Jadeite was launched out the window.

"NOOOOO!" cried Zoisite. "He was our only hope!"

Nephrite grabbed a parachute and leapt out of the plane. "So long, losers!"

Kunzite and Zoisite each went to grab another parachute, but there was only one left.

Zoisite went to grab it, but Kunzite snatched it.

"Hey," said Zoisite. "Women and children first!"

"Sorry," said Kunzite. "But you're not a woman."

"I am in America!" cried Zoisite, but Kunzite leapt out anyway.

Zoisite blew up along with the plane.

"No!" cried Kunzite, as he parachuted down to Earth. "I thought he would teleport!"

Jadeite emerged from the sand. "He was a good man."

"Riperoo," said Nephrite with a smirk.

But then Zoisite emerged from the rubble.

"You all have a lot of nerve!" he shouted.

"Hey," said Jadeite. "I got tossed out when Kunzite blew a hole like an idiot!"

"You're lucky I've developed some resilience after the Moon Wand," barked Zoisite. "But I could have died!"

"Hmmm," said Kunzite. "Hey, where are we?"

They were on some random island in the middle of the ocean.

"Well this is just GREAT!" shouted Nephrite. "You all really did it this time!"

"You're the one that killed the pilot!" shouted Zoisite.

"He threw himself at me first!" replied Nephrite.

"Well, if you would have never broke the rules, that wouldn't have happened," said Jed.

Nephrite threw a punch, tossing Jadeite into the water.

Kunzite started to go insane and threw a punch at Nephrite.

"Good work," said Zoisite.

But Kunzite was completely off his marbles. He socked Zoisite.

Jadeite leapt on Kunzite's back, and brought him to the ground.

Nephrite ran up and threw himself at them.

"Guys, stop," said Zoisite. "It's too early to go crazy. We just got here."

"You're right," said Jadeite, pausing halfway through a punch.

Kunzite released Nephrite's neck.

"Let's just figure out a way to get out of this," said Nephrite, rubbing his neck.

"Well," said Kunzite. "We probably can teleport back to Japan from here."

"Oh right, teleporting!" recalled Jadeite.

"Unfortunately, that won't work," said Zoisite. "I tried to teleport off the plane, but I couldn't."

"That's because you're bad," said Nephrite. "Watch how it's done."

Nephrite started to teleport, but halfway through his body started glitching out.

Then he was brought back, and launched into a palm tree.

"What the hell happened?" he demanded. "Stop messing with me, Kunzite!"

"I didn't do nothing!" cried Kunzite. "I'm tired of these false accusations! Here, I'll teleport all of you!"

They all glitched out and got launched into trees.

"Why didn't we launch the other way?" wondered Zoisite. "Why do we keep hitting trees?"

"I'm starting to lose it again!" admitted Kunzite. "Everyone, run!"

Jadeite took off dashing.

"Calm down now," said Zoisite. "We'll get out of this, let's just create a smoke signal with our powers! We all have some kind of fire attack, right?"

"Yes," said Jed. "I'll make a big illusion of my face and try to howl for help!"

"Now you're thinking!" cheered Nephrite.

"Well, what are you waiting for?" asked Kunzite.

"I can't," said Jadeite.

"What do you mean, you can't?!" shouted Kunzite.

"I mean, my powers won't work," Jadeite said solemnly.

That's when they realized none of their powers worked.

"What's happening… to me?!" cried Jadeite.

"Maybe we're in some kind of magnetic field," thought Zoisite.

"I'll use my superhuman leaping ability to check it out," said Nephrite. He leapt up into the sky.

"I can do that too!" yelled Kunzite, leaping into the air.

"This isn't good," said Nephrite landing. "I've seen this place in the zodiac. We're in the Bermuda Triangle. Our powers will not work here."

"We have to keep calm," said Kunzite, despite the fact he had just lost it multiple times. "Let's first focus on finding food, water, and shelter."

"I found water!" said Jadeite, gesturing to the ocean.

"No, Jadeite," said Zoisite. "That's salt water. We can't drink that."

"Watch," said Jadeite, taking off towards the ocean.

Everyone shook their heads.

He laid down and drank a handful of water.

"AHHHH!" he cried.

He passed out, and the waves started pulling him away.

"Hey, get back here!" yelled Nephrite.

He ran in and grabbed him by the legs, and reeled him in.

"Anyway, let's build a shelter," said Kunzite. "We're not starving yet."

They left Jadeite to dry out.

Kunzite walked up to the nearest palm tree.

"This will be our home," he said.

"That's no home," said Nephrite. "We have to gather sticks and build a hut!"

"Who's actually willing to do manual labor right now?" asked Zoisite. "I don't wanna break a nail."

"I'm above manual labor," said Kunzite. "I have humans to do my dirty work."

"Think about what Evil Endymion would say if he heard that," said Nephrite.

Suddenly Kunzite got angry. "I'll show Endymion!" he shouted.

Kunzite took off into the thicket.

* * *

Nephrite and Zoisite sat on the beach, building a sand castle.

Suddenly, Jadeite came to.

"Was… was my water good?" asked Jadeite.

"No," said Nephrite sadly, shaking his head.

Jadeite rubbed his eyes and wandered over to them, accidentally stomping on their sandcastle.

"NO!" yelled Zoisite. "Why would you do that?!"

"That's an odd way to try and build a shelter," said Jadeite.

"We weren't building a shelter," said Nephrite. "We tricked Kunzite to do it. We only had one bucket so we had to form a temporary alliance."

Suddenly Kunzite emerged carrying a pile of lumber.

"You did it!" cheered Zoisite. "Now we just have to put the sticks together!"

"How?" asked Kunzite.

He threw the pile of sticks down and they all stared at it.

"Who needs a shelter anyway?" said Nephrite. "Let's go find some grub!"

"Where?" asked Zoisite.

"In the forest," explained Nephrite. "We will have to kill our food with our own hands."

Kunzite frowned. "I would take even McDonald's over this."

Jadeite grabbed a stick and started sharpening it. "This is how they did it in the Silver Millennium," he explained.

The others watched in awe.

Jadeite eventually made them each a hunting stick.

Then they headed into the woods.

* * *

"How much longer until the food?" whined Zoisite.

"Just a minute," said Kunzite. "Any minute now we'll see a squirrel or some similar beast."

"Hey! Hey!" cried Jadeite. "Look at that! It's a giant lake! Easily as big as Japan!"

"I don't think that big," said Nephrite, giving him a noogie. "But it's pretty big."

"I am parched!" exclaimed Jadeite. "Wait, this isn't salt water, is it?"

Nephrite shook his head.

"YAHOO!" howled Jadeite. He started cupping the lake water in his mouth rapidly. "Mmm, MMM!" he said. "Not half bad!"

"This is good," said Zoisite, drinking some himself. "Now all we need is food."

Suddenly they all heard rustling in the nearby shrubbery.

"Ooh," said Nephrite. "Maybe it's a squirrel."

Jadeite looked horrified. "Get away from that!" he yelled. "It could be a water badger!"

Zoisite tilted his head. "A water badger?" he asked.

Jadeite nodded. "Yes, a water badger. Only the second worst kind of badger, next to the arctic badger! But those might be a myth."

The Shitennou looked at Jed, and then at each other.

Kunzite put his hand on Jed's shoulder. "Look," he said. "I know things are going rough, and you've had a hard time today. But there's no such thing as a water badger."

"There is!" cried Jadeite. "I saw it in a book!"

"He must be delusional from lack of water," considered Nephrite. "Jadeite, drink some more water."

"No!" yelled Jadeite. "We gotta get out of here!"

He took off.

"Wait!" yelled the others. "You'll get lost!"

They chased him down and found him hiding behind a tree in fetal position.

"Jadeite, get out from there!" demanded Kunzite.

"No!" said Jadeite. "The water badger!"

"There is no such thing!" yelled Kunzite, getting annoyed. "A water badger would just be a beaver."

"noooOOOO!" yelled Jadeite.

"Let's just leave him," decided Kunzite.

"Poor guy," said Zoisite. "He's one with the forest."

The other three left Jadeite by the tree.

"There was nothing we could do," said Nephrite. "Jungle fever already got to him. Water badgers, ha!" he scoffed. "How ridiculous!"

* * *

2 hours later, the Shitennou sat on the beach.

"I'm hungry," said Zoisite.

"Yes," said Kunzite.

"I think we all know what we have to do," said Nephrite solemnly.

They headed back into the thicket, and arrived at Jadeite's tree.

They pulled out their forks and knives, and licked their lips.

"Why are you guys staring at me like that?" asked Jadeite.

Kunzite put on a bib. "Just give up, Jadeite," he told him. "Your time is up."

"What?!" cried Jadeite. "You're not thinking of eating me, are you?!"

"I'm sorry," said Nephrite. "There's no other way!"

"It's only been a couple hours!" said Jadeite, starting to panic. "I'm sure we'll find food soon!"

"Sorry," said Zoisite. "There's just not enough time."

"Alright, alright," said Jadeite. "You win, I understand. Just let me make peace with the world before I'm ended."

"That's fair," said Kunzite. "You have ten seconds."

Jadeite knelt down. "Dear lord," he began.

Then he threw dirt in the Shitennou's eyes and took off sprinting.

"After him!" yelled Nephrite.

They took off after him.

They were very upset, because without powers their speeds were essentially equal since they all underwent the same military-like training.

"We'll never catch him," said Zoisite, giving up hope.

"Don't stop now!" insisted Kunzite. "He's within reach!"

Jadeite leapt into the lake and started overhand-swimming off into the distance.

"Looks like he got away," said Kunzite sadly. "I'm not wetting my uniform, especially not my cape."

"Sad times," said Nephrite. "Who will we eat now?"

Kunzite and Zoisite turned to Nephrite, and raised their forks.

"Just give up, Nephrite," said Kunzite. "Your time is up!"

Nephrite got in a defensive stance. "I'm not going down without a fight!" he yelled.

Kunzite threw a punch, but Nephrite caught it.

"You're rusty!" Nephrite smirked. "You've relied too much on your magic, and haven't used those hands for combat in years!"

Zoisite leapt at him from behind with the spear, but Nephrite grabbed it and swung it over his shoulder, tossing Zoisite.

Kunzite was back with fists-a-flying, but Nephrite also threw his fists.

He socked Kunzite right in the chops, and threw a punch right to his stomach like he did to the flower Youmas.

Kunzite instinctively went to shoot a dark energy blast at him, but Nephrite socked him in the chops again.

Zoisite got to his feet, and threw a dropkick at Nephrite.

But Nephrite sidestepped, and Zoisite fell to the ground.

"No more!" begged Zoisite.

But Kunzite wouldn't give up yet. He locked arms with Nephrite.

"I've waited a long time for this!" yelled Kunzite. "DIE!"

"Is that all you got?!" taunted Nephrite.

They started hearing more rustling, and had to halt the squabble.

"What's that sound?" asked Zoisite.

It was getting louder.

Zoisite started to panic. "Maybe… maybe it's the water badgers Jadeite warned us about!"

"No," said Nephrite. "There's no such thing as water badgers!"

Zoisite was shaking.

"Don't worry," said Kunzite, releasing his grip on Nephrite. "I'll protect you!"

"Wow, thank y-"

Zoisite turned to Kunzite.

Kunzite was no longer with them.

They spotted his legs flailing in the water, and occasionally his head bobbing out.

"HELP!" yelled Kunzite. "It got me!"

"The water badger?!" shrieked Zoisite.

Kunzite did not respond, and was pulled down under the water.

Zoisite ran to the edge of the water and called his name, but it didn't help.

Nephrite took off his Shitennou jacket and leapt into the water.

"I won't let you have my meal, water badger!" he yelled.

Nephrite swam to the bottom of the lake, and pried Kunzite away from the water badger's claws.

He swam back to the surface and climbed on land.

Kunzite was coughing, and Nephrite had to sock him in the stomach.

Kunzite spit out all the water.

"What attacked you?!" demanded Zoisite.

"I… I don't know!" said Kunzite. "It almost ended me for good!"

"It must be the water badgers," said Nephrite, accepting it for good now.

"Let's flee into the forest!" cried Zoisite. "Water badgers can't get us there, right?!"

"If only Jadeite was here," said Nephrite. "He was an expert on water badgers."

The three of them fled deep into the jungle.

They heard rustling approaching them.

"Just keep running!" yelled Kunzite.

Finally, they arrived back at the beach, gasping for breath.

"Did we lose them?" wondered Nephrite.

They all turned towards the thicket in their battle stances, but nothing arose.

"We gotta get off this crazy island!" cried Zoisite.

"Yes," said Kunzite. "We need a boat."

They did something they should have done at the start, and searched the rubble of the plane.

"It's a raft!" cheered Nephrite. "We're saved!"

"Let's skedaddle," agreed Zoisite.

They put the raft in the water and hopped on, but they didn't get very far.

"Paddle more with your hands," commanded Kunzite. "You guys aren't paddling hard enough!"

"Zoisite's not even paddling!" complained Nephrite.

Zoisite was sitting with his legs crossed. "I'm not putting my hands in that filthy seawater!"

"Kunzite, control him!" yelled Nephrite.

"Sorry, I can't," said Kunzite. "Zoisite's a loose cannon."

That's when something got Kunzite in an armlock.

"Kunzite?!" asked Zoisite in shock.

"HELP!" yelled Kunzite. "IT GOT ME!"

"The water badgers?!" cried Zoisite. "But I thought they were freshwater creatures!"

"Apparently, they're not," said Nephrite grimly.

The water badger threw itself back into the sea, and Kunzite was taken down with it.

He was never seen again.

"Hmm," said Nephrite. "I guess they wanted to finish what they started."

"KUUUNZIIIITE!" cried Zoisite.

Nephrite and Zoisite leapt back on land, because they hadn't even made it out of the shallow water.

"They can't get us on land," repeated Nephrite.

"I really hope so," said Zoisite.

He picked up a spear. "Let's rumble!" he shouted, yelling towards the ocean.

Just then, the water badgers that had attacked them at the lake finally made their way out of the forest by following their scent.

They leapt up from behind and ended Nephrite.

Zoisite turned his head around slowly.

He saw about 10,000 water badgers coming at him like a wave.

He turned to the sea, and saw that there was no blue water, only water badgers.

Zoisite stabbed himself in the heart with the spear, and the water badgers hauled him away.

* * *

2 years later, help finally arrived for the plane that crashed.

"Where are all the passengers?" asked a member of the rescue crew.

"There were only four of them," said Beryl. "I don't know where the pilot is, but my instincts tell me he died before the crash."

"There are signs of life here," noted a crew member. "Most notably this huge sand sculpture of Queen Beryl someone made."

"Hmm," said Beryl. "The Shitennou were here. But where are they now?"

One of the rescue pups started woofing.

"Over here!" called the leader.

They ran over to see Nephrite, Zoisite, and Kunzite's skeletons lined up in rank order.

"NO!" cried Beryl.

The inspector took off his glasses and shook his head.

"It must have been the water badgers," he said sadly.

"The what now?" asked Beryl.

The crew looked down.

"Let's not speak of it," they told her.

* * *

The rescue crew searched the whole island, and only found one survivor.

Jadeite sat by his tree. "Yo," he said.

"Are you alright, sir?" asked someone.

"Yes," said Jadeite. "I was smart enough to know that water badgers can't climb trees, so I lived in a tree for two years. I feasted off of nuts and berries, and drank lake water when the water badgers were hibernating."

"Smart guy," said the inspector.

"Did you get any energy?" asked Beryl.

That's when a water badger seeked her out personally and took her away.

"RIP," said Jed. He climbed back into his tree.

"This is my home now. Be gone!"

FIN


	166. The Snip and Dip

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Beryl, I'm going to school," said Nephrite, walking through Jadeite like he was a door.

"Why?!" demanded Beryl. "You can't just skip out on your Negaduties!"

"Yes I can," said Nephrite.

"You have a lot to learn!" yelled Beryl.

"Exactly," said Nephrite. "That's why I'm going to school. So long!"

Beryl growled. "He's so arrogant!"

"And dreamy," added Jadeite.

"Yeah…" said Beryl. "Hey wait! What are you making me say?!"

"Heh," said Jadeite.

* * *

"So, stars, that's why I'm going to cosmology school. While my skill with the cosmos is unquestioned, I would like a written degree for those who are not familiar with my talents. Also my wall is a bit empty, so a degree would be a nice complement to my room scheme."

"Good luck," said the stars. "We'll always be with you."

Nephrite pounded his chest and gave a piece sign. He left.

* * *

Zoisite sat at the barbershop.

"Give me the usual trim," he said.

"Okey doke," said Motoki. He spent 30 minutes intricately trimming Zoisite's hair.

Zoisite started to get bored, so he decided to strike up a conversation.

"Say Motoke, how's your sister doing?"

"Not very well," said Motoki sadly. "She's deathly ill."

"Does she still hate me?" asked Zoisite.

"She's too sick to hate anyone," said Motoki, but that was a lie.

"Ah, that's good," said Zoisite. "Motoki, how's the arcade?"

"Well, that other guy is on duty right now, so it makes me nervous. Only I know how to run the arcade."

Zoisite nodded. "It must be tough."

"Alright, all done," said Motoki, blowing the loose strands of hair with a blow-dryer.

"Be sure to tip generously!" he said with a chuckle.

"Of course," said Zoisite. "You did a great job."

Then he looked in his wallet. He only had a couple bills.

"Awww… no! I really wanted burgers!" he thought.

Suddenly he got an idea. "What if I don't pay for the haircut?"

He walked to the door.

"Hey there," said Motoki. "Here's your bill!"

Zoisite left.

"Hey!" called Motoki. "You forgot to pay the bill! Come back! Should I put it on your tab?!"

But Zoisite was gone.

When he teleported home he was in a giddy state.

"That was awesome! I can't believe I got a full haircut, and didn't even pay!"

"Impressive," said Kunzite.

"I need to do that again," stated Zoisite. "It's such a rush!"

"That's unfortunate," said Kunzite. "Because if you get your hair cut any shorter you might look like a guy!"

"Drat!" realized Zoisite. "You're right! There's no way that will work. But it's so much fun! Kunzite, wanna step up to the hot-seat and give it a go?"

"Nooooo," said Kunzite. "I only trust my Youma barber to cut my hair."

"The one from that Endymion episode?" asked Zoisite.

"Yes."

"D'ah. But what will I do? I can't just wait for my hair to grow back!"

* * *

Zoisite walked into the barbershop with a wig.

"Hey!" said Motoki. "Welcome to this shop. Are you new in town?"

"Yeeaaaah!" said Zoisite. "I want a perm and a really elaborate haircut. Three layers and waves and stuff like that."

"Okay," said Motoki.

"Also I want the most expensive shampoo you have."

"Okay," said Motoki. "Take a seat."

Motoki slaved away for hours.

"Woowee!" he said.

Motoki started to get giddy, knowing he would get a huge tip. "I've completely transformed your look!"

"Thanks," said Zoisite.

He headed towards the door without taking a peak in his wallet.

"Hey," said Motoki, chuckling nervously. "You're not going to leave without paying, are you? I just had a customer do that today and-"

Zoisite was gone.

"NO!" cried Motoki.

Zoisite continued walking and threw the wig down into the street.

"AHAHAHAHAHAH! What a rush!"

* * *

"Hey Zoisite," began Kunzite a couple days later. "Why'd you order this huge box of wigs?"

"Oh boy, it arrived! I'm gonna go get some haircuts!"

"What do you mean?" asked Kunzite.

"Sit down," said Zoisite. "You're about to be knocked off your feet."

Kunzite sat down skeptically.

"I have developed a scheme that even surpasses dining and dashing."

"No way," said Kunzite. "Impossible."

"No," said Zoisite. He left it at that. "Anyway, after considering numerous possible names, such as the 'Groom and Gallop,' or the "Trim and Trot,' I have settled on the most genius term ever. I call it the 'Snip and Dip!' Where I get a haircut using a wig and then leave without paying!"

"You monster!" said Kunzite. "You are an evil person! There's a special place in hell for people like you!"

However, in the Negaverse, these were all compliments.

"Thanks," said Zoisite. "I try."

"This is even more genius than Jed's military plan with the soap," continued Kunzite.

"Don't even compare this to that time Jed sabotaged the military in order to make them run extra laps! My plan is much more efficient!"

"Okay," said Kunzite.

"So long!" said Zoisite heading out for a long day.

* * *

Nephrite sauntered into cosmology school with a suitcase in hand.

"I am ready to learn!" he said giddily.

He took his seat.

"Hey! Nephrite!" squawked a familiar voice.

"Oh, no," said Nephrite grimly. "Don't tell me!"

"Don't tell you what?" asked Melvin.

Nephrite growled loudly. "Why are you in cosmology school?"

"Huh?" said Melvin. "I'm just here to learn the basics."

Nephrite put his head in his hands. "Of all the rotten luck! And he has to be sitting right next to me!"

The professor walked in.

"Hello, class," they said. "Take out a sheet of paper."

Nephrite opened his suitcase, and then pulled a suitcase out.

He grabbed a suitcase from that suitcase, and opened it.

Then, he reached in a suitcase and pulled out his notebook.

"Pssst!" whispered Melvin loudly. "Can I borrow a pencil?"

"What? No, go away!" yelled Nephrite. "I'm not a supply shop!"

"Come on!" insisted Melvin. "Help a brother out!"

"No!" repeated Nephrite.

"I'm going to fail without a pencil!" cried Melvin. He started to sob.

"Haha," said Nephrite. "Good."

Nephrite turned around, and Melvin had his iPhone 7 out.

"Yeah, Molly?" said Melvin. "So that guy Nephrite-"

"Here, take it!" barked Nephrite, tossing a pen at Melvin. "Just hang up the phone."

Melvin examined the pen. "I said pencil. I need the eraser in case I make a mistake!"

"Well I only have pens," growled Nephrite.

Melvin shook his head sadly. He hung up the phone call.

Molly called back but he did not answer.

"Now," began the prof.

"Pssst!" said Melvin. "Can I borrow a sheet of paper?"

"What?! NO!" yelled Nephrite. "I have this nice composition book and all the pages are numbered. I'm not ripping one out."

"Rip out page number one," suggested Melvin.

"NO!" yelled Nephrite.

"Alright," said Melvin. "Rip out the first three, just in case. Most books start at page four anyway!"

"This isn't a book!" yelled Nephrite. "Why didn't you bring anything to class?!"

"I brought my MacBook Pro," said Melvin. "But it's out of batteries! I have the charger but I didn't sit near the outlet. I was going to take all my notes on there!"

"Why are you in a college-level class, anyway?" demanded Nephrite.

"Heh heh heh," said Melvin, pushing up his glasses. He left it at that.

"Here, just take the whole notebook!" shouted Nephrite. "And while you're at it, take my lunch money!"

Nephrite tossed his wallet in Melvin's face.

"Calm down," said Melvin.

"No, here, take the clothes off my back!" Nephrite took off his jacket and threw it on Melvin. Next he removed his shirt and his shoes. Then his socks and his trousers.

"Umm," paused the professor. "Do we have a problem back there?"

"I'm sorry on his behalf," apologized Melvin. "This young man has anger problems it appears. I just asked him for a pencil and a piece of paper."

"Mr. Stanton," said the professor. "Would you like to leave my classroom?"

"No," said Nephrite. He sat down in his underpants.

"Can I, uh… have my clothes back?" he asked. "Maybe I did over react."

"Here ya go!" said Melvin.

"Hey, where's my jacket?" demanded Nephrite.

"Eh, it's a little chilly," said Melvin. "And you did give it to me…"

Nephrite got up and walked out of the class. He decided he'd go to the later session.

* * *

Nephrite sauntered back into the classroom later that day in a new outfit.

"A fresh start," he said cheerfully. He sat down.

"Hey, can I have a sheet of paper?" asked Melvin.

"WHAT?!" cried Nephrite. "Why are you still here?!"

"Oh," said Melvin. "I missed some of the notes earlier because I'm not a fast writer. So I came to this session to fill in the blanks, ya know?"

Nephrite stared at him blankly. "Can you move?" he said.

"Out of my seat?" asked Melvin. "Why would I do that?"

"Uh, you could move to the outlet and charge your Mac," reminded Nephrite.

"I already took my notes on paper though," said Melvin. "I'll have to do it for the rest of the year for consistency."

"I gave you a whole notebook, why are you out of paper?"

"I write large," answered Melvin. "Any more questions, or are you going to give me a sheet?"

Nephrite tore out 20 pages of his new notebook and threw them at Melvin.

"Write smaller!" he shouted.

The professor came in the lecture hall. As they walked past Nephrite, they nodded at him in recognition.

"Welcome back, Mr. Stanton. Glad to see you have your pants on this time."

Nephrite grunted.

* * *

Zoisite walked into Motoki's barber shop.

Even though he had scammed many other places so far, Motoki's was still his favorite.

"I'll have the fanciest hairstyle you offer!" called Zoisite.

"Is that so?" said Motoki. "Well, then I'll need you to enter all your information into this computer."

Zoisite paused. "Why?"

"Well, not that I don't have faith in my customers, but recently there has been some hooligan dining and dashing with haircuts."

"I heard it's called the snip and dip," said Zoisite, adjusting his wig.

"Hmm, that is clever," admitted Motoki. "But it's not funny for the working man."

"I agree," said Zoisite.

He walked over to the monitor and entered his information.

Then, he got the fanciest haircut Motoki could muster.

"Alrighty then," said Motoki.

Zoisite walked over to the counter and pulled out his wallet.

"Can I have a lollipop?" he asked.

"Uh, those are usually for young kids," said Motoki. "But sure."

"Thanks," said Zoisite. "Here's my credit card, add 20 bucks tip."

"Wowee," said Motoki in shock. "Thanks!"

He scanned the card.

"Hey, wait a second! This is a 5 dollar Starbucks card that's expired!"

He looked up and Zoisite and the lollipop box were gone.

"AAHHHHHHHH!" shouted Motoki.

Then suddenly he got a wicked grin on his face.

"Haha, he thought he could fool me again! But I have his information now, and I'll turn it over straight to the police!"

He opened up the information file on his computer.

"Heh heh, here's his full name and address!"

Motoki read it out loud. "Motoki Furuhata, address… HEY! I'm Motoki Furuhata! And this is my address! And my phone number?! But… but how!?"

Motoki kicked the counter and screamed.

* * *

Zoisite walked into Crown Haircuts the next day in an extra-long wig.

"I'll get a bob cut," he decided.

That's when he spotted Motoki hanging from the ceiling, limp.

"Ah, woah there!" cried Zoisite. "I didn't want this to happen! I guess the poor guy couldn't take it anymore, wow!"

Zoisite figured he should pay his respects, so he walked over and read Motoki's suicide note.

"I hope the man who did this to me someday suffers for what he has done. I hope he sees my death on the news and reflects on his actions, realizing the sins he has committed. He will have to live with this the rest of his life, and never know happiness again! And further-"

Zoisite stopped reading it and threw away the note. "Alright, that's enough. What a dramatic guy."

He walked out and flipped the open sign to closed.

Then he headed to the hair cuttery down the street.

During the long haircut that followed, he had a lot of time to think.

"Hmm, maybe I did go a bit overboard with that last one," he thought in retrospect.

"Alright," said the barber. "That will be $40."

"Yeah right," said Zoisite. He left.

"Mmmmm," he said.

* * *

Nephrite graduated from cosmology school at the end of the semester.

He was handed his diploma.

"Hey, you spelled cosmology wrong!" he realized, looking at the degree.

"You mean cosmetology," said the professor.

"What? No! I mean cosmology!"

The professor shook their head. "This was a class to get a cosmetology license."

"Are you kidding me?!" demanded Nephrite. "Is that why we didn't talk about stars once, and you spent all that time going over how to do hair and make-up?!"

"Yes," said the professor.

"Hmm," said Nephrite. "Well that was a waste of four months! Cosmology, cosmetology, what's the difference?! Why do they have two words that are so close!?"

The professor just shook their head sadly.

"Congrats!" said Melvin. "What are you going to do with your license?"

"Shut up, queer haircut boy! I'm not doing anything with it! I thought this class would be about space!" Nephrite yelled.

"Hmm," said Melvin. "Well, I'm going to get a job as a barber. Maybe I'll run into Molly one day and give her the best haircut of her life! There's no better way to win her heart!"

"Really now?" said Nephrite, pausing. "I mean, I did get the license. Maybe I should do something with it to make my time spent worthwhile."

* * *

Nephrite opened up a hair salon.

"Stanton's Snip Shop," he read, admiring his neon sign. "Has a nice ring to it!"

He taped up a huge grand opening banner and then stepped inside.

"They'll be eating out of the palm of my hand in no time!" he said giddily.

The first customer walked in.

"Oh boy!" said Neph. "Welcome to Stanton's Snip Shop!"

"Hey Maxfield," said Melvin. "Are you hiring?"

"What? NO!" shouted Nephrite. "Get out of here!"

"Please," begged Melvin. "I can't find work!"

"Get out!" repeated Nephrite.

Melvin didn't budge, so Nephrite had to throw him out.

"And stay out!" he shouted, slamming the door.

* * *

Zoisite sat at home, checking all the local newspapers for new hair cutteries.

"Oh boy, a fresh one!" he said giddily. "Stanton's Snip Shop."

He thought for a long time. "Mmmm, Stanton. I've heard that before, but I just can't place it."

Zoisite put on a wig. "Time to check this place out! Stanton's Snip Shop is about to get snipped, and dipped!"

* * *

Zoisite walked into Stanton's Snip Shop.

"Hey, young lady," said Nephrite in a flirty voice. "Ready for the most amazing haircut of your life?"

Zoisite looked up. "Woah! Maxfield Stanton?! Is Nephrite?! I forgot about that!"

He sat down in the seat, but he couldn't contain his giddy. "Since when was Nephrite a barber?" he wondered. "Either way, he's gonna get it this time! He won't know what hit him, this will be my biggest win yet!"

"So what can I do for ya?" asked Nephrite. "I know all styles and techniques."

"Is that so?" smirked Zoisite. "Then I'll have the most elaborate cut you can come up with!"

Nephrite's eyes lit up and he took this as a personal challenge. "Prepare to be amazed!"

Nephrite went to it for many hours.

He used tools and gadgets Zoisite had never seen before, and in the end, he had a cut which totaled over $2,000.

"Alright," said Nephrite. "Will that be in cash or check? And, will your tip be 15% or 20%?"

"Tell it to the New York Times!" yelled Zoisite.

"Huh?" said Nephrite.

Zoisite dashed off out the door.

"HEY!" shouted Nephrite.

He started sprinting at top speeds after the customer, and soon exceeded the sound barrier.

Zoisite looked back over his shoulder. "SHIT!" he cried. "I underestimated Nephrite's stamina!"

He quickly leapt into a portal face first.

Nephrite skidded to a halt. "Was that a portal to the Negaverse?" he asked in shock. "Hey, wait a minute!"

* * *

Zoisite appeared in Beryl's throne room.

Jadeite and Kunzite stood before Beryl.

"GUYS!" cried Zoisite. "You gotta help me! Nephrite is blood-lusted like never before!"

"I was speaking," barked Beryl.

"Beryl, save me!" cried Zoisite.

"You have a lot of nerve," said Beryl. "You've let me down numerous tim-"

"Can it!" yelled Zoisite. "This is an emergency!"

Suddenly Nephrite swooped in out of a portal and leapt straight for Zoisite, and no one had fast enough reaction time to help him.

Nephrite threw a knee into Zoisite's neck and he was no more.

"HEY!" yelled Kunzite.

Nephrite leapt back in the portal and never returned to the Negaverse again.

"Darn it!" said Kunzite. "Where did Nephrite live again?!"

Beryl looked at Jadeite and Jadeite looked at Beryl.

"We don't know," said Beryl.

"I will spend the rest of my immortal life hunting down Nephrite!" vowed Kunzite.

FIN


	167. Jadeite Makes a Friend

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Sorry, Jadeite, I'm busy," said Queen Beryl.

"With what?!" demanded Jadeite.

"I'm going to a meeting with the Big 5."

"Who are the Big 5?" asked Jadeite.

"The main villains of each season, of course. Me, Wiseman, Tomoe, you get the point."

"Can I tag along?" pleaded Jadeite.

"Sorry," said Beryl. "They wouldn't accept you there."

"How come you're not bringing Metalia?"

"This isn't the blob meeting," explained Beryl. "Come on Kenji, let's go."

"Hey!" yelled Jadeite. "Kenji's not even a bad guy!"

"You should see my fishing game! Ho ho ho!" laughed Kenji.

"What does that even mean?!" cried Jadeite.

Kenji and Beryl left.

"Aww shucks," said Jadeite. "But it's okay though. I can always hang out with my good pal Zoisite."

* * *

Jadeite knocked on the door at Zoisite's castle.

"Let me in!" he called. "It's your good pal Jadeite!"

Zoisite answered the door. "Oh hey Jadeite."

"Hey," said Jadeite. He went to walk in.

"Noooo!" said Zoisite. "Me and Kunzite are in the middle of dinner!"

"Aww sweet!" said Jed. "I can go for a bite!"

"No," said Zoisite, shaking his head.

He closed the door.

Jadeite sat down on the doorstep and waited an hour for them to finish eating.

Kunzite and Zoisite opened the door.

"Friends!" called Jadeite giddily. "Where are we going?"

Kunzite narrowed his eyes. "I'm surprised you'd want to go anywhere with us, after that time at the carnival."

"It's okay," said Jadeite. "I'm sure you guys learned your lesson. So where are we going?"

"Uhhh…" said Zoisite. "Me and Kunzite are going to the movies."

"Alright," said Jadeite. "What are we seeing?"

Zoisite looked at Kunzite desperately.

"Uh, Jebite is it?" said Kunzite. "I'm sorry, but we like to arrive two hours early to watch all the previews!"

"That's okay!" said Jadeite. "I love previews! I can get a second bag of popcorn before the movie even starts!"

"I'm sorry," said Kunzite. "But we're seeing an R-rated movie. It would spook you too much."

"Hey," said Jadeite. "Would Zoisite even be able to get in?"

"That's a good question," said Zoisite. "Especially since we don't have Earth IDs or money anyway."

Jadeite waited.

"Our hands are tied!" said Kunzite at last.

He fled on foot.

Zoisite shrugged and followed.

Jadeite tried to keep up but Kunzite nose-dived into the abyss, and Jadeite didn't want to risk it.

"Drat!" said Jadeite. "It's almost like they didn't want me to come or something! Good thing I have OTHER FRIENDS, who are always looking for company!"

* * *

Jadeite arrived at the snack machine.

"Oh hey Jadeite," said Nephrite.

"Hey," said Jed. "What are we doing?"

"What do you mean, 'What are we doing?'" demanded Nephrite angrily. "I'm sitting at the soda machine, what does it look like I'm doing?"

"Snack machine," corrected Jadeite.

"What do you want?" asked Nephrite.

"I was thinking," said Jadeite. "Why don't we… hang out!"

"No can do," said Nephrite.

"Why not?" asked Jadeite.

"Boy, you're feisty today," said Nephrite. "Why don't you go hang out with Zoisite and leave me alone?"

"I can't," said Jadeite. "He took off on foot."

"Maybe you should take the hint then," suggested Nephrite.

"So what are we doing?" asked Jadeite.

"No," said Nephrite. "I'm hanging out with Molly today. Hopefully that nerd isn't there."

"Well, where are we going with Molly?" asked Jadeite.

"No, Jadeite," said Nephrite. "I don't want to hang out with you."

Jadeite stopped in his tracks. "Wh-what do you mean?!"

Nephrite left.

Jadeite stared at the wall blankly.

Suddenly he got mad, and kicked the soda machine.

"Buncha jerks!" he yelled. "You'll see! You'll all see!"

"Hey Jadeite!" said Thetis approaching him happily. "Let's hang out!"

"Shut up," said Jadeite. "I don't hang out with girls."

Jadeite fled on foot.

"They'll all see!" shouted Jed.

* * *

Jadeite sat in his space.

"Who needs those losers, anyway?" he scoffed. "I'll make a new friend!"

Then he snickered.

"And by make a new friend, I literally mean, make one!"

Jadeite teleported to Earth.

He found a pile of mud.

"This will do," he said, and teleported it back to the Negaverse.

* * *

"Finished!" said Jadeite giddily.

The clay monster he created looked like a human.

It suddenly came to life.

"Hi!" said Jadeite. "I'm Jadeite!"

"Hey," said the clay monster.

"So what are we doing?" said Jadeite.

The clay monster took off on foot.

"Hey, come back!" shouted Jadeite. "I created you! You owe me!"

The clay monster opened Jadeite's door and dashed into the hallway.

It took off running and did not stop until it was out of sight.

"REALLY?!" shouted Jadeite.

Jadeite stormed back into his room and slammed the door.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!" he yelled.

He picked up a chair and threw it.

He suddenly felt better.

"I have another plan," decided Jadeite.

He headed down to the Nega Computer Lounge.

"Heh heh heh," he laughed evilly.

* * *

Jadeite read over his Craig's List ad.

It read, "Looking for friend! Will take anyone! Desperate!"

He waited.

"Why no takers?!" he thought.

Suddenly he got a message.

* * *

Jadeite walked into Crown Arcade and sat down at a table in the back corner.

"I can't wait to meet my new friend!" he said giddily.

That's when all the people who saw his ad appeared.

Jadeite recognized some of them, but others not so much.

Standing in front of him were none other than: Grandpa, Motoki, Artemis, Kyuusuke (Chibiusa's green-haired male friend from season 4), Gamer Joe, Mr. Kitikata, Future King Endymion's hologram, Helios, and Seiya Kou.

"Honestly," said Jadeite. "Not as bad as I thought it would be. Grandpa, you are dismissed."

Grandpa hung his head and left.

"Alright, how do I choose a pal?" thought Jadeite to himself.

"Everyone, stand around this table," decided Jadeite.

They did as they were told.

Jadeite spun a pencil, but the point landed on him.

"Damn!" said Jadeite. "Alright, one more!"

This time it landed on Motoki.

"Golly!" said Motoki. "Better luck next time, all!"

All the other candidates shot Motoki dirty looks, and then left.

"What's your name?" asked Jadeite.

"I think we've met before," said Motoki. "I am Motoki Furuhata, of the arcade."

"Hmm," said Jadeite. "I don't think we met in the original anime, but I'm sure I've seen you around in my arc."

"So what are we doing?" asked Motoki.

Jadeite knew he found the one.

"Let's go mini-golfing!" shouted Jadeite giddily.

They took off.

* * *

Jadeite and Motoki went skydiving.

Then Jadeite and Motoki went bowling.

After that, they went to the zoo, and Jadeite almost fell in the lion's cage.

Then they went to the arcade, and played some games. Motoki beat Jadeite at skee-ball, but it was expected since Motoki spends all day at the arcade.

Later on, they went out to dinner at Cici's Pizza.

"I'm so full," said Jadeite. "I can't eat another bite!"

"Don't worry," said Motoki. "I will pay for the meals!"

"You're the best friend ever!" said Jadeite.

Motoki gushed.

After that they went for frozen yogurt for dessert.

"Haha," laughed Motoki. "I thought you said you were full!"

"Heh heh," said Jadeite. He left it at that.

Then they went bowling again.

Then they went to the club and danced.

Then they went to Crown Parlor to bother Motoki's sister, but she was in good spirits and it didn't work.

"Haha," laughed Motoki. "It's for the best!"

"Heh," agreed Jadeite. "Say, your sister's a looker! Would you mind if I snatched her up?"

"Yes," said Motoki. "Stay away from my sis."

"Alright," said Jadeite.

* * *

"Hey, Motoki's sis," said Jadeite, entering Crown Parlor alone.

"Hey, Motoki!" said his sis.

Jadeite put his hand under her chin and looked into her eyes.

"Wait a minute," said Motoki's sister. "You're not Motoki!"

"Heh heh," said Jadeite. "Just be quiet, and let our lips do the talking!"

"That's how talking works," said Motoki's sister.

"No," said Jadeite. "You missed the point."

Jadeite went in for a smooch.

That's when Motoki entered the parlor.

"Jadeite!" he said happily. "I got go-kart tickets!"

Then he spotted Jadeite trying to make a move on his sister.

Motoki ran up and socked Jadeite, and Jadeite was tossed across the café.

"That's one mean right hook," admitted Jadeite.

"I told you to stay away from my sister!" shouted Motoki.

"Drat," said Jadeite.

"I thought we were friends!" said Motoki.

"Sad times," said Jadeite. "I guess I'll just leave then."

"Good," said Motoki.

Jadeite headed towards the door.

Then he turned around and shot lightning out of his palms, killing Motoki.

Motoki's sister was livid.

She threw herself at Jadeite, but he sidestepped and she died from the recoil.

"Hmm," said Jadeite. He left.

* * *

Jadeite returned to the Negaverse.

He sat down in his space, but to his surprise, he heard a knock on the door.

It was Nephrite.

"Nephrite?" asked Jadeite in shock. "Is the vending machine down? I'm sorry I kicked it earlier."

"No," said Nephrite. "It turns out Molly and that nerd are watching snails. I got bored and left."

"Ah," said Jadeite.

"Say, wanna go bowling?" asked Nephrite. "My treat!"

"No," said Jadeite. "I went bowling enough today."

Jadeite slammed the door.

"So what are we doing?" asked Nephrite.

FIN


	168. The Shitennou Get Bricked

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"What happened to your last source?" demanded Beryl. "I thought you were just going out to get some energy! You said the plan was flawless!"

"It was," said Jadeite. "Here is the energy I retrieved."

Queen Beryl spit out her soda and leapt out of her throne.

"How did you get this?!" she asked in shock. "Is this some kind of trick?"

Beryl took out a magnifying glass and examined the energy.

"Holy mother of Beryl, I don't believe it," said Beryl. "Who gave this to you?"

"I took it with my own two hands, and a little help from a Youma," explained Jadeite.

"I thought you killed all the Youmas," said Beryl.

"I found one lying around," said Jadeite. "Anyway, can Metalia wake up now?"

Beryl's eyes were huge as she stared at the big ball of energy.

"Yes, actually," said Beryl. "She only needed like two successful energy grabs."

Beryl went downstairs and awoke Metalia.

20 minutes later, she reemerged and sat down on her throne.

"So are we taking over the world now?" asked Jadeite.

"No, unfortunately," said Beryl. "Metalia only has 20% of her original power. So she's sending us on some wild goose chase for some crystal or something."

"Uh oh," said Jadeite. "How will I pull that off?"

"Don't worry," said Beryl. "I'll leave that to those other slackers. Meanwhile, I believe it's time for you to be greatly rewarded!"

Jadeite put his arms up. "You're not gonna kill me, are you?"

"Why would I kill you when you actually got energy?"

"I don't know," said Jadeite. "It just wouldn't surprise me."

"Hmm," said Beryl. "I'll get back to you about that reward. On your way out, pass Nephrite at the soda machine and tell him I have a job for him."

"Wahoo!" said Jadeite skipping out of the room. "I finally did it! After all this time! I finally got energy!"

"What was that?" overheard Nephrite at the soda machine. "No kidding?"

"Nope!" said Jadeite.

"Wow," said Nephrite. "Does this mean my vacation is over?"

"I think so," said Jadeite. "Beryl wants you to go do work for once."

Nephrite hung his head and headed to Beryl's.

Jadeite skipped all the way back to his room, drank a full glass of lemonade, and went to bed giddily.

* * *

The next morning he awoke.

"I wonder how Beryl will reward me! I hope it's with a smooch!"

Now that Jadeite had some free time on his hands, he headed down to the Negalounge to pass some time.

Zoisite was napping on the sofa.

Suddenly Jadeite spotted something that made his heart skip 30 beats.

He shrieked at the top of his lungs.

"Ah!" cried Zoisite. "What happened?! Are we under attack?!"

"No," said Jadeite, tears forming. "What is this?" he asked, making sure his eyes weren't playing tricks on him.

"Oh," said Zoisite. "Beryl came by with that earlier. She said she was getting the Nintendo Switch for us all to share as a reward for something someone did."

Jadeite shrieked again. "The newest Nintendo system?! Over 500 dollars of fun!? I can't believe it!"

"Well," said Zoisite. "It's not really that big of a deal. I think we can just spawn money, I mean Nephrite got a car out of nowhere."

Jadeite couldn't stop shrieking however, and Zoisite had to leave.

Finally Jadeite calmed down and turned on the TV.

He switched to game mode 3 and the Switch screen launched.

"Dreams really do come true," he said happily.

He launched Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, which came with the system.

"I'm so happy!" he shouted.

Then he got to the character selection screen.

"Oh," he said. "All the characters are already unlocked. No one had played it yet, that's odd."

Then he got to the track selection screen.

"No," he said. "This is exactly the same as Mario Kart 8 regular, except for three characters that aren't even from the Mario franchise! This is ridiculous!"

Jadeite turned off the Switch.

He sat there for five minutes not knowing what to do.

Then he got an idea.

He went to the Nega computer lounge, and Googled how to crack a Nintendo Switch.

He clicked the first link.

"Requirements," he read. "SD card."

He pulled it out of his pocket. "Check!"

"Half a brain," he continued to read.

He tapped his head. "Check!"

"Alright, that's it," he said at last.

He put the .zip file onto the SD card.

"Now for the magic to happen!"

Jadeite put the SD card back in the Switch.

* * *

Nephrite, Zoisite, and Kunzite pranced into the Negalounge.

"I'm telling you," said Nephrite. "I can beat you in Mario Kart easy."

"No," said Zoisite.

"Yes," continued Nephrite. "I've been playing Mario Kart since the arcade!"

"There never was a Mario Kart arcade version," sneered Kunzite.

"Wrong," said Nephrite. "Mario Kart GX."

"That's recent!" yelled Zoisite.

"No!" said Nephrite. "You both know too much!"

"Boot that thing up, Jadeite!" called Kunzite. "I call Rosalina!"

"No!" said Zoisite. "You must be a guy!"

"Why?" demanded Kunzite. "It's just a game!"

"It always starts that way," said Zoisite.

"Hey guys, watch this!" interrupted Jadeite.

He launched up the Switch.

"What the hell?" demanded Nephrite. "Why is the background moving and rainbow?! What did you do to our Switch?"

"Don't worry," said Jadeite. "I just cracked it."

"You cracked it," said Zoisite in disbelief. "Please tell me you didn't."

"Don't worry," repeated Jadeite. "I'm an expert hacker. I downloaded the .zip myself."

"Jadeite," warned Kunzite. "That system just came out. Surely they will detect any modifications. This is no Nintendo Wii."

"Don't worry," repeated Jadeite once again.

"Hey," said Nephrite. "When did we get all these games?"

Jadeite started giggling, and soon his giggle burst into a guffaw.

They all waited.

"I hacked into the E-shop, so now I can get all games free!"

"Wait, wait," said Zoisite. "That game over there hasn't even come out yet!"

"Yes," said Jadeite. "But it's still there in the E-shop, so I used my expert hacking skills to download it early."

"That's at least $800 worth of games," said Kunzite. "There's no way they haven't caught onto this."

"Nah," said Jadeite. "You all are too dense."

"That's great," said Zoisite. "Now can we play Mario Kart?"

"Sorry," said Jadeite. "I'm installing some homebrew."

"What that even mean?" asked Kunzite.

"Here, look at this!" said Jadeite.

He put in a CD movie, and it started playing.

"Our Switch has a CD player?" asked Zoisite in shock.

"It does now," said Jadeite. "And look at this!"

He hit a button, and strobe lights started coming out of the system.

Kunzite had to cover his eyes.

"Make it stop!" he shouted.

"Alright, alright," said Jadeite.

"Why would that be built in?" wondered Nephrite.

"Hey guys, are you hot?" asked Jadeite.

"No," said Zoisite. "I just want to play Mario Kart."

"Oh," said Jadeite. "Well if you were hot…"

He pressed some buttons, and the fan in the system that was supposed to cool it down if it got overheated started blowing outward.

"Look, it's a fan!" Jed explained giddily.

"We have enough fans," said Kunzite. "You don't have to turn a $500 system into one."

"Nah," laughed Jadeite.

"Listen," said Nephrite. "If you keep this up, our system is going to get bricked."

"Bricked?" asked Jadeite. "What does that mean?"

"It means that Nintendo will make it unusable. That's why they call it bricked; because the only use for it after that is as a brick."

"Fairy tales," scoffed Jadeite. "I have an anti-bricking homebrew. Now who wants to play Mario Kart 10?"

"What is that?" asked Zoisite sadly. "I just want to play Mario Kart 8."

"No no," said Jadeite. "Mario Kart 10 is better! It has 50 more tracks and 30 more Koopalings! Someone made this mod themselves!"

"I'm leaving," said the Shitennou.

"Really?!" shouted Jadeite. "I downloaded all this for you!"

Kunzite popped his head back in. "Don't use the internet with any of those nonsense channels you downloaded," warned Kunzite. "In fact, don't use the internet at all. You will get bricked in an instant!"

"Coward!" shouted Jadeite. "You're all scared of progress!"

Kunzite left.

* * *

Kunzite, Zoisite, and Nephrite came down the next day.

"Maybe Jadeite got bored of his illegal modifications and will let us play Mario Kart 8 Deluxe," hoped Zoisite.

But when they got in the Negalounge, they saw that the Switch was no longer plugged into the TV.

"Where is it?" wondered Kunzite. "I bet Jadeite has something to do with this."

The three of them knocked on Jadeite's door.

It was open so they went in.

Inside Jadeite's room, Jadeite was writing something on paper. The unplugged Switch was on his desk.

"Oh hey guys," said Jadeite.

"Jadeite," said Zoisite. "What are you doing with the Switch?"

Jadeite didn't respond and kept writing.

When they got closer, Nephrite gasped.

"Are you using the Switch as a paperweight?" demanded Nephrite.

Jadeite nodded sadly.

"Why would you do that?" shouted Kunzite.

They grabbed the Switch and took off running.

"Hey!" yelled Jadeite. "Come back!"

When they plugged it in, the screen was blank.

They clicked many buttons, but to no avail.

Suddenly the screen turned blue and a bunch of words popped up.

Then it turned off.

The three of them turned to Jadeite.

"Jadeite," said Zoisite.

"I got bricked," said Jadeite sadly.

"How?!" shouted Kunzite. "You didn't go on the Internet, did you?!"

"Well," said Jadeite with his head down. "You know that Pokemon Stars game that hasn't been released yet?"

"Yes," they all replied.

"Well I tried to do a Wi-Fi match on it."

They all face-palmed.

"That's not all," said Jadeite. "At first they just turned off my internet access, and kept giving me some error code saying it was restricted by Nintendo. So then I downloaded a mod to turn my Switch into an Xbox 360."

They all face-palmed.

"And here we are," concluded Jadeite.

"Wait," said Zoisite suddenly. "Maybe we can get a full refund since we just got it yesterday! We'll say we have no idea what happened and it must be broke!"

"That's foolish," said Kunzite. "They'll know right away!"

"Nah," said Jadeite. "It's a great plan."

* * *

That night, they crept into Beryl's bedroom.

"Where's the receipt?" whispered Jadeite.

"She keeps all receipts under her mattress," said Kunzite.

"How do you know that?" asked Nephrite.

"Me and Beryl spend a lot of time together," said Kunzite. "Until that pest Endymion, and now Kenji!"

"Found it!" said Zoisite loudly.

Beryl stirred in her sleep, and they all froze in place in goofy poses.

"What are you doing?" said Kunzite. He turned to Jadeite who was doing the Egyptian.

"Shhh," said Jadeite. "I'm a statue."

They all waited ten minutes until Beryl started snoring again, and then they dashed out.

* * *

The next morning they showed up at GameStop.

"Hi," said Kunzite in his Shitennou uniform. Jadeite was dressed up like a sailor, and Nephrite was dressed up like Maxfield Stanton. Zoisite was dressed up like Sailor Moon.

"What are you doing?" asked Nephrite.

"It's the only costume I have," said Zoisite. "I figure it will help us since she's saved many people."

"What do you want?" said the GameStop clerk to the bunch of them.

"I'm here to return this Switch," said Kunzite in an even tone.

"Why?" asked the clerk.

They all exchanged nervous glances.

"Well," said Kunzite. "I do not like the new format. I will stick to the Wii U."

"Oh really?" said the clerk. "Maybe you should have known what you were buying."

"Heh heh," said Kunzite. "Better late than never!"

The clerk hesitantly took the box.

"Here's your refund," he said, and swiped Beryl's GameStop card.

They all bolted for the door.

"Wait," said the clerk.

They slowly turned their heads and saw that he had plugged in the system and was trying to make it work.

"What's going on here?" he demanded.

"Alright," said Kunzite. "I will come clean."

"No!" yelled Jadeite.

"Not that clean," Kunzite whispered.

He walked back over to the counter. "You see," he said. "It was like this when we got it. Perhaps it was a factory error."

"Perhaps," responded the clerk.

"We did not think you would believe us," continued Kunzite. "And you would think we did this. However we did not. Because there is no way we could make this happen. As you can see, there is no damage to the outside of the system, and you can see we have not taken it apart either."

"Yes," said the clerk.

"So," concluded Kunzite. "I'll be leaving with that refund now."

"Well," said the clerk. "The thing is… I found this SD card still inside."

Kunzite slowly turned around to Jadeite, and Jadeite shrugged sadly.

"And," continued the clerk. "When I put the SD card in my computer, I could see that there were some kind of files to turn this Switch into an Xbox."

"Huh?!" said Kunzite, acting very shocked. "How did that get there?!"

The clerk reached out his hand, and waited for the GameStop card back.

Zoisite shot a beam, taking the GameStop guy for a ride through the wall.

Zoisite dashed out, and then dashed back in. "Run!" he told the others. He dashed back out, and the other Shitennou followed suit.

On the way out, Jadeite snatched the entire display for the newest PlayStation and dashed ahead.

* * *

The four Shitennou stood before Queen Beryl.

"So, I take it you wanted to talk to us about that magic crystal thing?" asked Nephrite.

"Actually," said Beryl. "I went to play some Mario Kart 8 Deluxe today, and in the Switch's place was a PlayStation."

"Yes," said Jadeite, owning up. "After hours of playing, we all came to the consensus that the Switch was over-rated, and swapped it out for a PlayStation. So I hope you don't mind we borrowed your card."

"Ah," said Beryl. "That all makes sense. But there's one more thing I'd like to know."

"And what is that, m'queen?" asked Kunzite.

"How do you all explain this?"

Queen Beryl pulled out her ball and turned on the news.

The headline read, "Local band of goons try to return bricked Nintendo Switch, and then assault the employee and flee the scene with a PlayStation."

She showed her crystal ball to them one by one.

On its screen was a newscaster.

"This evening," began the newsman. "A group of four hooligans, consisting of some sort of sea captain, local hero Maxfield Stanton, Sailor Moon, and some guy in a goofy outfit, all were accomplices to this catastrophe."

"Yes," agreed the newswoman. "Further, reports say that the man in the goofy outfit had ugly bleach-colored hair, and a stupid cape."

"Excuse me, your majesty," said Kunzite.

Beryl watched on her ball as Kunzite murdered the two newspeople and then returned to her throne room covered in blood.

"Sorry for that," said Kunzite. "I had to use the bathroom."

"What is the meaning of this?!" shouted Beryl. "Why did you brick my Switch!?"

"Hey," said Zoisite. "At least we made Sailor Moon look bad. Another job well done for the Negaverse!"

"Yes," agreed Kunzite. "Good thinking to go disguised as Sailor Moon!"

"Thank you," said Zoisite.

"Can I go now?" asked Nephrite. "I mean, Jadeite was the one who bricked the Switch anyway."

"Quiet, all of you!" shouted Beryl. "I am very displeased."

"Ah," said Zoisite. He shot an energy beam at her and started to run away, but she tanked it with her crystal ball and retaliated with a blast twice as strong.

Zoisite was dead before he hit the ground, as was Jadeite.

Nephrite and Kunzite were injured, but made it out with their lives.

But Beryl wasn't going to drop it.

She took off on her feet.

Nephrite turned around. "She's actually following," he said in shock. "What do we do?"

"I've got this," said Kunzite.

Kunzite ran over to where they were rebuilding one of the Negawalls.

At the base of the wall was the bricked Nintendo Switch, being used as a brick.

Since the Switch was weaker than the other bricks which were made of concrete, Kunzite easily removed it.

The wall toppled over, ending Beryl.

FIN


	169. The Nega Shuffle

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

That's when a Youma dashed in and threw a punch at Jadeite.

"Woah!" said Jadeite putting the Youma down.

But another two ran in and charged Jadeite.

Jadeite had to put them down as well.

"What's going on?!" demanded Jed.

Another Youma ran in but Beryl took care of this one.

"How far are they lined up just to come in and die?" asked Jadeite.

"I don't know," said Beryl. "Many of the Youmas are uncivilized, and they have been especially rowdy these past few days."

"What do we do?" asked Jadeite.

"This can't keep going on," said Beryl. "I need you to teach the Youmas organization and teamwork!"

"Why me?!" cried Jadeite.

"By you, I mean all of you. Round up the others, this is an important mission!" shouted Beryl.

"Eh," said Jed. "At least I'm not alone on this one."

* * *

Jadeite rallied the boys and they all cautiously headed down into the Youma slums.

"Kunzite, I'm scared," said Zoisite. "I've never gone to this side of the Negaverse before."

"Don't worry," said Kunzite. "Just stay behind me, I can take any Youma!"

That's when Zoisite turned around to see the DD Girls pinning each of Kunzite's limbs down, and the fifth throwing punches to his exposed torso.

Zoisite had to throw himself at the DD Girl, tackling her to the floor.

Kunzite gained his footing again and eliminated the DD Girls.

"They caught me by surprise!" exclaimed Kunzite. "Let's keep going."

They headed further into the slums until they found an open field where the Youmas were pushing rocks around in an attempt to build something. But the structure they built fell apart and they all howled.

"Sheeeeeeeeesh!" said Jadeite. "We need to teach the Youmas organization and teamwork!"

That's when Nephrite came running in.

"Look what I made! It's a football, I chiseled it!" he said.

"No, it's a stone," said Zoisite. "You didn't make it," he taunted.

"Go to hell," said Nephrite. "I clearly chiseled it myself. With this, we can teach the Youmas organization and teamwork!"

They rallied up the Youmas and put them all on one team.

"Alright," said Jed. "You guys will face us in football. You will have to work together in order to beat the four of us!"

"I'm not playing football," said Zoisite. "That's a boys' game."

"Yes," said Kunzite. "Just come on and play, we have to teach the Youmas organization and teamwork!"

"I know that," said Zoisite. "But I'm not roughhousing with some wild mongrels!"

Nephrite threw the ball at Zoisite, and he caught it defensively.

"I said I'm not playing!"

"Tackle Zoisite!" shouted Nephrite.

All the Youmas threw themselves on Zoisite, and he was defeated.

"We're off to a good start!" said Jadeite. "You're getting the hang of this, Youmas!"

Jadeite threw a long pass, and Nephrite ran to catch it.

He dodged many Youmas throwing themselves, and caught the ball.

"Keep running!" shouted Jadeite.

"No!" said Kunzite. "Nephrite, you're out of bounds! Come back!"

Nephrite kept running with the football.

He ran and ran and ran until he was far out of sight.

"Did I win?" he wondered.

That's when he bumped into a particularly strong Youma.

"Hey!" shouted the Youma. "Watch where you're goin'!"

"No?" said Nephrite. "I am one of the great four!"

"The great four what?" asked the Youma.

"Beryl's guys! You're just some lowly Youma!"

That's when the Youma had enough and turned Nephrite into an egg.

"That'll teach that wise guy," said the Youma, walking away.

Jadeite ran up a few minutes later.

"Nephrite?" he called.

He looked down to see some random egg laying there.

"That's odd," said Jadeite. "Maybe I should make it into an omelet."

Kunzite and Zoisite and a couple Youmas soon caught up to Jadeite.

"Where's Nephrite?" Kunzite asked. "If he thinks he's going to get out of teaching the Youmas organization and teamwork, then he has another thing coming!"

Suddenly, 5 very powerful Youmas with the strength of easily Ninjana flew in from the depths of the Negaverse and drop-kicked Kunzite, knocking him out of commission.

"Hey!" said Zoisite. "Me and Jadeite will teach you what happens when Youmas mess with the Elite Four!"

Jadeite waited.

"Go show 'em, Jadeite!" commanded Zoisite.

"Aren't you going to help?" asked Jadeite.

"I'm more of a support fighter," explained Zoisite. "I'll throw de-buffs occasionally and get in a sneak attack if things line up."

"Fine," said Jadeite.

He threw himself at the Youmas and shot lightning out of his palms.

He ended one of the Youmas, but the other four took its place.

Jadeite was quickly over-powered while Zoisite made no effort to help.

They turned to Zoisite after restraining Jadeite.

Zoisite tried to run on foot but they easily caught up and overwhelmed him.

* * *

Jadeite, Zoisite, and Kunzite came to in some sort of cage.

"Hey!" shouted Jadeite. "What's going on? We'll tell Beryl about this!"

Kunzite pulled on the bars. "No use," he said. "We're in some kind of anti-negative energy bubble."

"Heh heh," said Jadeite. "That's a double negative!"

"I'll give you a double slug!" warned Kunzite.

Jadeite went quiet.

One of the powerful Youmas approached the cage.

"Heh heh," she laughed.

"You better watch it," said Zoisite. "I'll tell Beryl!"

"No," said the Youma. "You will have to face us in a game of football!"

"What the hell?" demanded Kunzite.

"Is this some kind of joke?" asked Zoisite.

"What's in it for us?" demanded Jadeite.

The Youma laughed. "This egg here."

"You can keep it," said Zoisite. "We don't need some dumb egg."

"Well you may not know this, but this 'dumb egg' is your good pal Nephrite!"

"You can keep it," repeated Zoisite. "We don't need some dumb Nephrite."

"Hey now," said Jadeite. "Nephrite is one of the Great Four!"

"That title seems to have lost its meaning these days, especially when we got over-powered by Youmas," noted Kunzite.

"Still!" insisted Jadeite. "We can't just let the Youmas have him! Because then they win!"

"Fine, we'll play your game," agreed Kunzite angrily.

"I thought you would," smirked the Youma. She left.

"Hey," said Jadeite. "How come there are no guy Youmas?"

"Beats me," said Zoisite. "Let's get back on topic. We need a strategy."

"Alright," said Kunzite. "Let's think of one."

* * *

Zoisite paced back and forth in the cell.

"First Nephrite gets turned into an egg, then a bunch of Youmas imprison us in a cage, and make us play football with one of the Shitennou as the ball! Youmas used to be so much more civilized! What is this kingdom coming to?!"

Jadeite was starting to panic. "I'm scared Kunzite! If we drop Nephrite, he'll be scrambled!"

Kunzite shrugged. "You win some you lose some, I guess. Hey, let go of me, Jadeite!"

Kunzite shoved Jadeite off him.

"Sorry," said Jadeite. "I'm just spooked."

A Youma opened their cell door.

"You have five minutes until the game starts," said the Youma. "Use it wisely."

"Alright," said Jadeite. "We need a plan."

"Wait," said Zoisite. "Is it alright to be discussing our plans in front of that guy?"

"What guy?" asked Kunzite turning around.

"Ho ho ho," said Kenji. "Don't mind me!"

Kunzite shot Kenji Tsukino a look and then turned back to the others.

"We don't have a choice," said Kunzite. "We must beat them at football fair and square!"

* * *

"Alright teams, here are the rules!" said Grandpa.

The Shitennou lined up on one side, and the four powerful Youmas lined up on the other.

"This is tackle football, with out of bounds marked by these lines!"

"There are no lines," whispered Jadeite.

"Shh," said Zoisite. "Don't tell that geezer. He doesn't even know where he is."

"Further," said Grandpa. "The winning team all has to give me smooches!"

"Shut up!" yelled a Youma with a strong Boston accent. "We'll never get started!"

"She has a strong Boston accent," noted Kunzite.

Grandpa blew his whistle, and the game began.

Jadeite threw Zoisite the ball, but Zoisite ducked for cover.

The ball hit the ground.

"Ah! Nephrite!" yelled Jadeite, but the egg seemed to be intact. "Phew!"

"Zoisite, what are you doing out there?" said Kunzite.

"I'm sorry," said Zoisite. "I'm not used to doing anything physical."

Kunzite sighed. "Do you even know how to play?"

"Yes," lied Zoisite.

This time the Youma team started with the ball.

A Youma passed it to another Youma, but Kunzite threw himself at the Youma.

The ball fell to the ground again, and Jadeite flinched.

* * *

It was several plays in, and Kunzite finally got his paws on the ball.

He zipped towards the end zone.

That's when a Youma threw itself on him, and he fell to the ground.

Grandpa blew the whistle.

"Hey!" yelled Kunzite. "What is this, Australian rules?!"

"I just tackled you regularly," said the Youma. "That's how you play football."

"Oh," said Kunzite. He was still mad.

The Youmas did another play, but suddenly the ball landed in Jadeite's arms by pure luck.

"Do a play!" shouted Kunzite, and Jadeite stood there with his knees shaking.

"Jadeite's gonna try a pass play!" said Jadeite out loud.

"What?!" shouted Kunzite.

Jadeite started sprinting with the ball, and sprinted straight out the door.

Kunzite and Zoisite dashed after him.

"Good thinking!" said Zoisite. "Keep running!"

That's when Jadeite took a right and looped back into the stadium from the other door.

"No!" said Zoisite. "Why would you return?!"

Jadeite kept up his trot and made it to the end zone a second time, where he tapped the ball to the ground.

"TOUCHDOWN!" he yelled.

He began to do a shuffle-like dance.

Kunzite and Zoisite caught up and also started dancing.

"We win!" cheered Zoisite.

"No," said a Youma. "That was only one touchdown! Hey, stop dancing!"

But they didn't stop.

That's when a Youma ran up and threw a punch, tossing the egg out of Jed's hands.

"NOOO!" yelled Jadeite.

But Kunzite dove and caught the ball.

However, three more Youmas landed on top of him, kicking him to the curb.

"I'll leave footprints!" yelled one of the Youmas. "On your faces!"

"No!" cried the Shitennou.

They were all pinned down and out of luck.

That's when Queen Beryl walked in.

"Did someone call my name?" she asked. "What's going on in here?"

"Help!" cried Jadeite. "These Youma savages forced us to play football! With Nephrite as the ball!"

Queen Beryl was confused.

The Youmas took this opportunity to pile on Queen Beryl.

Youmas leapt out of the crowd and threw themselves at her in a downright revolt.

"ENOUGH!" yelled Beryl, but she was getting slugged from all angles.

Jadeite leapt in to help her out, but the more Youmas he threw off her, the more piled on.

More Youmas came in and hauled Jadeite away, and he was never seen again.

"This is the end, Kunzite!" said Zoisite sadly.

That's when Kunzite expelled all his power, ending every Youma in the Negaverse.

"There we go," he said. "I just needed to build up some energy."

"Wow," said Zoisite. "That was crazy."

"Yes, I know," said Kunzite. "I rivaled the Moon Wand right when the Moon Princess was awakened! I am no pushover!"

Zoisite shivered, remembering the Moon Wand.

"Where's Jadeite?" asked Beryl. "He was the only one of you to actually try to help me!"

Kunzite focused for a minute. "He is no longer with us," he said.

"What about Nephrite?" asked Beryl.

"He's this egg," said Kunzite, picking him up and handing him to Beryl.

"This isn't an egg. It's a football," said Beryl.

"Uh oh," said Kunzite. "Then where's Nephrite?"

* * *

Nephrite hatched in the pterodactyl nest.

He got ready to brawl with the pterodactyls, but the pterodactyl mother accepted him as one of her own and he decided to hang for a while.

FIN


	170. Jadeite Enters a Pet Show

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Yes," said Queen Beryl. "Jadeite," she said then. "There is a pet show coming up."

"Oh boy!" said Jadeite. "Queen Beryl, will you get a puppy to enter with?"

"That's just it," said Beryl. "The prize is something called the Imperium Silver Crystal!"

"Is that important?" asked Jadeite.

"Uh, yeah?" said Beryl. "It's only the most important thing in the world! It's the only thing standing between us and world domination!"

"Mmmm," said Jadeite. "So you will enter then?"

"No," said Beryl. "You will enter!"

"Ah, you're right," agreed Jadeite. "I'll pick out the coolest pup ever!"

"No," said Beryl. "You will enter as the pet! We need a sure win, we can't just put our faith in some animal!"

Jadeite was shocked. "We can't do that," he said. "Can't you use one of those uncivilized animal-like Youmas, such as the one that attacked Nephrite with the horns?"

"I just told you!" said Beryl. "We can't just put our faith in some animal!"

Jadeite was starting to panic. "You know Beryl m'lady," said Jadeite, trying to smooth-talk his way out. "I once had an energy plan with these cool little rabbit pets. You should enter with one of those!"

"Sorry," said Beryl. "I already signed you up."

"Might I remind you, you have three other warriors who would snap up a job like this!" said Jadeite.

"Sorry," repeated Beryl. "I already signed you up."

"That doesn't matter!" said Jadeite. "It's just a name on paper!"

"Sorry," repeated Beryl. "But my hands are tied."

* * *

Jadeite sat on the floor next to Beryl in the middle of the pet show arena.

"Hey guys," said Nephrite walking over with Leo the Lion.

"What is this?" demanded Jadeite. "I thought you said you didn't have any other options than me, Beryl!"

"Sorry," said Beryl. "But only Nephrite can command Leo. I wanted to enter as well to increase our chances."

"Jadeite, what are you doing?" asked Nephrite. "Are you pretending to be a pet?"

"Yes, he is," said Beryl, pulling on his leash.

"Good luck," said Nephrite to both of them. "But I'm going to win and take the crystal for myself!"

"Not funny," said Beryl.

"Who's joking?" asked Nephrite. "So long!"

Beryl narrowed her eyes but there was nothing she could do.

Kunzite and Zoisite sat in the audience.

"Is that Jadeite?" asked Zoisite, looking through binoculars. "I knew Beryl was participating, but I didn't think it would be with Jadeite!"

"Let me see that!" said Kunzite. "Ah, very odd indeed."

"Pass me that double looking glass," said Grandpa, who was sitting beside Kunzite.

"Hey, this is my arm rest!" yelled Kunzite.

"Don't worry," said Grandpa, placing his arm on Kunzite's. "We can share."

"I want to go home," stated Kunzite.

"Come on," said Zoisite. "We have to see if Beryl's actually allowed to just use an obvious humanoid as her pet!"

* * *

"Hey, Beryl!" said Jadeite. "Do I have to sit on the floor?"

"Yes," said Beryl. "And you can't talk either!"

"How come that cat's allowed to talk?" demanded Jadeite, pointing to Artemis who flanked Minako.

"You're seeing things," said Beryl.

"I don't get paid enough to do this," sighed Jadeite. "I don't get paid at all."

The inspectors were approaching.

"Jadeite!" barked Beryl. "Sit up straight!"

"With your barking, you could be the pet," said Jadeite but only to himself.

The inspectors looked Jadeite over from top to bottom.

They raised an eyebrow.

Beryl shrugged, and they moved on.

"Phew," said Beryl.

The inspectors looked at Leo the Lion with much awe.

"Cool pet," they said.

"Thanks," said Nephrite. "I trained him myself."

"What breed of lion is he?" wondered an inspector.

"Space," answered Nephrite. He left it at that.

* * *

The first challenge of the pet show was a simple race and flaming hoop jump.

All the pets and Jadeite lined up.

"They don't pay me enough to do this," repeated Jadeite.

"Shut up," said Beryl standing behind him.

She eyed the competition.

Standing next to Jadeite was Artemis, whose owner was Minako.

In the next place over stood Leo, and after that was Rei and her crows.

"Those birds will be tough in a race and hoop jump," noted Jadeite.

"Yes," said Beryl. "Be sure to sprint on your two legs. You don't have to crawl or anything stupid, we need to win!"

"Okay," said Jadeite. He stood up.

Motoki sat on Jadeite's other side, feeding his purebred mutt a dog treat.

"Let's have a good clean race!" said Motoki to the others. "But just to let you know, my dog is a purebred!"

"Anyone can see that," said Jadeite rudely.

"Hey," said Motoki. "Are you really a pet?"

Jadeite nodded.

"Hmm," considered Motoki. "Definitely not a purebred."

"Take that back!" yelled Jadeite, tugging on his leash to get his hands on Motoki's pup.

"Back!" yelled Beryl.

Jadeite sat down but glared daggers at the pooch.

"I'll show you!" said Jadeite.

The dog barked in response.

"Hidy ho!" yelled Melvin, who was standing next to Motoki.

His pet was some kind of slug.

"Is your pet some kind of slug?" asked Beryl.

"Snail!" squawked Melvin.

"Ah," said Beryl.

"I have a snail too!" said Kenji Tsukino, next to Melvin.

"Kenji," said Beryl. "Your snail is a rock."

"Yes," said Kenji. "He has nerves o' steel."

That's when the host blew their whistle, and Jadeite took off sprinting like a normal man.

All the pets were left in the dust.

"HAhahahahahahahah!" shouted Jadeite. "This is too easy! I will win without breaking a sweat!"

That's when he spotted Motoki's purebred running beside him at equal velocity.

"HEY!" said Jadeite. "What is this?!"

Jadeite picked up his pace, and left the dog in the dust.

"IMA WIN THIS!" he screamed as he ran.

He was soon approaching the flaming hoop, but he had to increase his speed further.

"AHHHHHHHH!" he yelled as he leapt into the air.

"Keep it together!" yelled Beryl.

"What?" asked Jadeite turning around as he flew through the air.

That's when he collided with the edge of the hoop and his clothes were instantly burnt off.

He face-planted into the ground, and finished in last place, even behind Melvin's snail and Kenji's rock.

Jadeite returned to Beryl.

"I tried my best," he said.

Beryl was angry. "What are you doing?" she demanded. "You're competing against a bunch of pea-brained animals! Why didn't you win?!"

"Don't worry," said Jadeite. "Nephrite's lion finished first. He'll win the crystal for sure!"

"That's not good enough!" said Beryl. "Also, I'm not 100% sure on his loyalty. If he took the crystal, my pride would be shattered. I'd rather have it in Sailor Moon's hands than his!"

"Harsh words," said Jadeite. "But I agree, that Nephrite is a wildcard."

Nephrite walked over to gloat. "Actually," he said. "Sounds like I'm a winning card! Hahahahahaha!"

"Go to hell!" shouted Beryl. "My boy Jadeite will beat your stupid lion! And we will get the crystal!"

"In your dreams!" said Nephrite. "The world will be mine!"

"What?!" demanded Beryl.

Nephrite walked away.

"Good match," chuckled Motoki approaching. "Second place is first compared to third! Heh heh!"

"Shut up, idiot," said Beryl. "Your dog will go down!"

* * *

The next round was a maze, with the first pet to get to the end being the winner.

"This will be easy," said Beryl. "Those stupid animals have short term memories incapable of cracking such a puzzle! This is your time to shine!"

"Yes," agreed Jadeite. "No way will that mongrel best me here! And the lion is stupid too!"

"Yes!" shouted Beryl. "Yes! That's what I want to hear! Now go get 'em, slugger!"

The challenge started, and Jadeite took off into the maze.

He took a left and then a right and then two lefts.

"I win!" he shouted running out of the maze.

"Jadeite, you idiot!" shouted Beryl. "This is the start! Get back in there!"

"NOooooOOO!" yelled Jadeite. He dashed back in.

He took a right and then a right and then a forward, running right into a dead end.

He retraced his steps from the last turn and took a left and then a right and then a left.

But he ran into another dead end.

"This is hopeless," he said. He started climbing the maze wall.

Finally he got on top of the maze, and climbed over to the finish line.

"I win!" he cheered.

"No," said Rei Hino. "My crows won."

"Hey, that's cheating!" said Jadeite. "They just flew over it!"

"You just climbed over the maze," retorted Rei. "And you still got fifth place!"

"Huh?!" said Jadeite.

Motoki stood there with a grin on his face, as did Nephrite.

The other person who finished above him was Artemis who took second.

"Better luck next time," said Artemis to Jadeite.

"Hey, that cat just talked!" shouted Jadeite.

"You're a talking pet too," said Artemis. "Don't tell on a bro!"

"I am not a pet!" said Jadeite. "I am one of the Negaverse's Great Four!"

"The Negaverse?!" exclaimed Artemis. "Minako, look out!"

"Be quiet," said Minako. "You're talking in public again."

"Drat," said Artemis. "When this is over, you're toast, Negascum!"

"Heh," said Jadeite.

* * *

It was the final round.

"I wonder what it will be," said Beryl.

That's when Jadeite entered the center of the arena.

Artemis stepped forward as well.

"Let's go!" said Artemis in a raspy voice, hopping back and forth.

"What are we doing?" Jadeite asked him.

That's when he heard a bell.

"Round one of pet battles, begin!" shouted the host.

"What?!" cried Jadeite. "This isn't legal!"

Artemis threw himself at Jadeite's legs, making him lose his balance.

Jadeite fell over and Artemis lunged for his face.

Jadeite swatted Artemis like a fly, and the feline landed on his feet.

"It's not over!" yelled Artemis.

Jadeite got to his feet, and fired lightning out of his palms.

But Artemis was at the top of his game, and strafed all the blasts, half by pure luck.

He threw himself again, but Jadeite saw this coming, and threw an elbow into his neck.

Artemis was defeated.

"That was a lot harder than it should have been," said Jadeite.

"YAHHOOOOO!" shouted Beryl.

Kunzite and Zoisite cheered for Jadeite from the stands but they were too far back.

Minako ran over to Artemis, whose brutally bashed corpse laid on the ground.

"Artemis!" she cried. "No! Say something!"

"M-Mina!" said Artemis. "Did I do good?"

"Yes," lied Mina, petting his head. "You did great! You gave it all you had!"

She cradled him like a newborn baby and went home.

Jadeite went to leave the arena, but the host stopped him.

"Where do you think you're going?" he said. "It's time for round two!"

"This is relentless," groaned Jadeite.

He walked back in.

The next opponent was none other than Motoki's purebred.

"Ha!" shouted Jadeite. "I'll teach you!"

"Go get him, boy!" said Motoki to the pup. "Victory is in your genetics!"

The pup started to growl, and charged at Jadeite.

It threw itself at Jadeite, but Jadeite's image vanished.

He appeared behind the purebred, and grabbed it by the tail.

He swung it over his head, and then batted it like a paddleball.

He threw it to the ground, and did a piledriver onto its spine.

It was defeated.

"I can't believe you lost!" said Motoki to his pooch. "That's okay, second is the first to third!"

"That doesn't make any sense!" gloated Jadeite.

"What is this?!" cried Motoki. "Australian rules?!"

"No," said Jadeite.

Motoki healed his beast and then left.

"Now who do I face?" called Jadeite.

"You're advancing into the finals," said the host. "Please wait for the other brackets to catch up."

Jadeite sat on the bench next to Beryl.

"Hey, on the ground!" said Beryl.

"Right," said Jadeite angrily. "So who are we waiting on?"

They looked over to see Melvin's snail in an arena facing off against one of Rei's crows.

"Go get 'em, Snaily!" yelled Melvin.

The snail approached the crow, but the crow took to the skies.

It dove down towards the snail.

"Snail!" yelled Melvin. "Dodge it!"

The snail retreated into its shell, but the crow picked up the shell in its talons.

It piledrove it into the ground, cracking it.

"Don't worry!" yelled Melvin. He threw in a back-up shell, but then he got disqualified.

"You… you monster!" yelled Melvin at the crow. "No one harms my snail and gets away with it!"

Melvin threw himself at the crow, but it dodged.

Suddenly, it picked Melvin up in its talons and piledrove him into the ground.

The security folks had to wheel Melvin away on a stretcher.

"Those crows are no joke," commented Zoisite in the crowd.

"Yes," said Kunzite. "They might never get defeated."

"Yes," continued Zoisite. "I once faced off against them myself. They are strong, I never actually defeated them."

"D'aww," said Kunzite.

"Did you know I trained them from birth?" said Grandpa.

"Shut up," said Zoisite. "How did you get a seat next to us, anyway?"

"I have my ways," said Grandpa. He kicked the corpse of the person whose seat he was in back under the chair. "Waaayyys."

"Oooh!" said Kunzite. "The crows are about to take on Nephrite's lion!"

"That lion is toast," said Zoisite. "There's no way Nephrite could make a monster stronger than me!"

Nephrite's lion entered the ring, and let out a roar.

Because the lion was such a beast, they allowed Rei to use both her crows.

"Phobos, you flank from the right!" commanded Rei. "Deimos, you get the left! I'll get middle!" she said, getting ready to fight.

She transformed into Sailor Mars, then charged on foot.

Deimos flew in from the left, but Leo opened up his huge jaw and chomped down on Deimos.

Deimos was never seen again.

The right crow tried to retreat, but Leo extended his paw and piledrove Phobos into his mouth.

Rei was livid.

"Mars Fire Ignite!" she shouted.

She shot fire in front of her, and then threw herself into the flames.

She kept up the momentum, forming a comet, and then threw herself at the lion.

The lion was stunned for one moment, but then he recovered faster than he did from the Moon Tiara.

He picked up Rei with his big meaty claws, and piledrove her to the ground.

"That's enough!" called Nephrite. "Let her live!"

But the lion didn't listen, and took her life.

"Leo!" shouted Nephrite.

But the host did not seem to care, and the crowd cheered.

"Hey," said Grandpa. "That's not funny!"

"Haha," laughed Zoisite.

"Shut up," said Grandpa.

"Wowee," said Jadeite. "The crowd's getting a little rowdy, practically blood-lusted!"

"Yeah," agreed Beryl. "I would not want to be one of those pets."

"Yes," said Jadeite. "This feels like the gladiator days, when they'd send humans in and make them fight lions!"

"And now," began the host. "The grand finale! Jadeite the human vs. Leo the Lion!"

"Uh oh," said Jadeite.

"Get in there," said Beryl.

"Wait!" said Jadeite. "Let's just call a truce! Either way, the Negaverse wins!"

"Sorry," said Beryl. "The crowd wants to see a show! If no one dies in this fight, someone else will have to fall!"

"Uh oh," repeated Jadeite.

He nervously entered the ring.

"Sorry," said Nephrite. "I'll tell Leo not to kill you, but he's an unpredictable beast!"

The bell rung, and Jadeite decided to attack first.

He summoned a sword and shield from the Silver Millennium, and charged with all he had.

He leapt into the air, but the lion also leapt, a lot higher at that.

It soon was above Jadeite, and piledrove him into the ground.

But Jadeite was not done yet. He shot lightning out of his palms, stunning the lion.

He then ran in and threw himself, tossing the lion with a lot more force than the Moon Tiara.

"Aha!" said Jadeite. "At first I thought this beast had endless reserves of energy, but now I know I stand a chance!"

The beast galloped towards Jadeite, and Jadeite sidestepped and threw a quick jab into its torso.

But the lion quickly spun around, and batted him across the face with his claw.

Jadeite landed on the ground, gasping for air.

The crowd cheered.

"Barbarians!" cried Jadeite.

"Should we help him?" asked Kunzite.

"No," said Zoisite sadly, eating popcorn. "If Nephrite wins, we'll just take the crystal from him after!"

"Good idea," said Kunzite.

Jadeite got to his feet.

"I won't die to some pea-brain!" he shouted.

The lion lowered down, ready to pounce.

That's when Jadeite made a huge image of his face.

The lion looked visibly shaken, and began to cower.

"You will fall!" yelled Jadeite.

The lion was hesitating, thinking Jadeite was a much bigger creature than itself.

"No!" yelled Nephrite. "Charge now! It's just an illusion!"

The lion started towards Jadeite, but Jadeite shot out a holographic fireball, lighting the whole arena on holographic fire.

The lion panicked, and leapt out of the arena.

"He's disqualified!" shouted the host.

That's when the lion unscrewed the host's head.

Leo was now panicked, and went into full defensive mode.

He leapt into the audience, and started throwing claws at every angle.

The crowd cheered wildly, except for the ones who were getting mauled.

During this ruckus, Queen Beryl figured she better help herself to the prize.

She grabbed it and fled the scene.

Jadeite and the rest of the Shitennou fled shortly after.

"That was chaotic," said Jadeite. "I'm not sure that was a real pet show!"

"Honestly, I don't know what the hell that was," said Zoisite. "But it was worth every cent!"

That's when Motoki stormed into the Negaverse.

"You're gonna have to pay for my vet expenses!" shouted Motoki, holding his pup.

"That pup looks perfectly healed," said Beryl.

"Yes," said Motoki. "Because I took it to the vet. The bill was $5,000."

That's when Jadeite ran up and piledrove Motoki.

He went to piledrive the mutt, but had a moment of sympathy.

That's when the mutt chomped down on his foot, and Jadeite had to piledrive it as well.

"I'll go give this to Metalia now!" said Beryl giddily, heading downstairs with the Imperium Silver Crystal.

Beryl returned two minutes later with an angry look on her face.

She threw the crystal down and it shattered like it was made of glass.

"It is a fake," she said.

"I thought so," said Nephrite. "I didn't think the Silver Crystal would just be in someone's possession like that, and they certainly wouldn't give it away."

"Good night all," said Beryl.

FIN


	171. The King of the Jungle

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Jadeite," said Beryl. "Lions are the strongest beasts in the world."

"I don't know about that," said Jadeite. "But what are you getting at?"

"Well," said Beryl. "I ordered an entire dozen of lions on Ebay. I will let them loose in Tokyo downtown, and we'll take the humans' energy as they run in terror!"

"Great plan!" commended Jadeite. "But why don't we just use Youmas for that?"

"Sadly we are fresh out of Youmas," said Beryl. "We need Metalia to make some more. Or Kunzite or Nephrite but they are busy."

"Sad," said Jadeite. "When will the lions get here?"

The door rang and Motoki marched in.

"Package for Mr… Beryl?"

"It's Queen, actually," said Beryl, putting Motoki to rest.

She walked over and retrieved the package from his corpse.

"This is a little small for 12 lions," noted Beryl.

She got a box cutter and opened it up.

"These aren't lions!" shouted Beryl. "These are some kind of cat!"

"Cat?!" cried Jadeite giddily. He dashed over.

"Oh, those are lion cubs!"

"How long until they grow?" demanded Beryl.

"Very long," said Jadeite.

"I've waited too loooooong for this!" yelled Beryl. "I'm not waiting any longer! Go throw this box into the abyss!"

"NooooOOOOOO!" yelled Jadeite. "I won't do it!"

"Alright, then I will!" barked Beryl.

She walked towards the abyss, but Jadeite ran up and socked her.

She fell to the ground and Jed dove for the box.

He caught it and teleported away.

"Jadeite!" howled Beryl. "You'll pay for this!"

* * *

Jadeite went to his space and let all the kits out of their box.

"Hmmm," said Jadeite. "I wonder why they sent us babies."

He looked at a note on the box.

"These strays will be perfect for your zoo," said a mysterious sender. "Please take care of them. Of course we didn't send full lions; that would be stupid."

"Ah, that explains it," said Jadeite. "I must raise these strays like they are my own!"

The lions dashed around his room.

"Phew," said Jadeite. "Good thing I don't have any furniture."

But the lions started getting bored and rowdy. They started charging Jed but he was swift and dodged their claws and fangs.

That's when they started coordinating their attacks, and Jadeite had to think of a plan.

"Come on, young ones!" said Jadeite. "Let's go to the pet store, and get you one of those cat climbers and some chow!"

The lions perked up at the word chow and followed Jadeite out the door obediently.

* * *

Jadeite entered the Petco with a shopping cart.

Half the lions were clung to his uniform, and the rest were in the cart.

"AHHHHHH!" shrieked a customer, dashing out the door.

"Halt, citizen!" said Jadeite. "These are just babies! They mean you no harm!"

The lady looked inside the cart and saw the cubs brawling it out like wild animals.

"Don't worry," said Jadeite. "This is just how they play."

He headed towards the chow aisle, and found the biggest sized bag.

"Hey, do you have one of these about 20 sizes bigger?" he asked a terrified employee. "Lions have a big appetite!"

"S-sorry," said the employee. "That's as big as they come."

"Hmmm," said Jadeite. "That just won't do."

He walked over to the hamster display.

"I'll take 20 hamsters to go," he said. "I gotta teach the boys how to hunt while they're young!"

"Sorry," said a worker. "I can't in all good conscience sell you these pet hamsters to feed to your lions."

"It's the circle of life," promised Jadeite. "Rodents are eaten by lions. Hey, I'll take some ferrets too for when my cubs are good."

"No," stated the clerk.

Jadeite sighed. He stuck out his hand and shot lightning out of his palm, ending the employee.

Then he made his arms into the shape of a J, and put every life form in the building except for his lions asleep.

He walked out with half the store and teleported home.

"Good thing my space has limitless room!" said Jadeite.

He threw down an empty swimming pool and filled it with lion chow.

The cubs jumped in.

Then he put down a couple cat climbs he nabbed and made a fortress out of them.

He laid down in bed while the lions had their picnic.

Suddenly, something strange happened.

A lion cub walked over to Jadeite in his bed/sleeping bag.

"What do you want?" asked Jadeite. "Is the food gone already? Eat the hamsters."

Then the lion cuddled and started purring.

Jadeite was a changed man after that day.

He did not know how to react. He had many feelings but didn't know how to express them.

He started petting the lion, and the lion rolled over.

"Wait a minute," said Jadeite. "Why am I being so nice?"

But the lion let out another loud purr and he decided not to think too much about it.

* * *

Nephrite stood at the vending machine.

"I feel as though I've become a meme," he said waiting for his soda to be dispensed. "What should I buy next?"

That's when Jadeite pranced up, followed by 12 lion cubs.

He bought 20 bags of Cheetos and tossed them into the pack of lions, which all started brawling for them.

"Jadeite, what are you doing?" said Nephrite. "Why on Earth do you have lion cubs?!"

"It's simple," said Jadeite. "I will raise them until they are adults, and they will think of me as the pack leader and all follow my commands. They will respect me, and I will respect them."

"You're crazy," said Nephrite. "They're going to turn on you the second they get big enough!"

"Just stick to what you know, and stay at the soda machine," sneered Jadeite. "Queer."

"Hey, watch it!" yelled Nephrite. "I won't take that from the likes of you!"

He threw himself at a lion cub, and Jadeite had to dropkick him.

"Sick 'em, boys!" yelled Jadeite.

The lion cubs all got in a defensive formation, and made a V around Jadeite.

"What's your next move, boy?" Jadeite challenged.

All the lion cubs hissed.

Nephrite grunted and decided to retreat for now.

"You haven't seen the end of me!" yelled Nephrite.

"Heh," said Jadeite.

* * *

"Yes," continued Beryl. "When we combine the 7 Rainbow Crystals, we will at long last have the Imperium Silver Crystal!"

"I have a question," said Zoisite. "What is the difference between the Imperium Silver Crystal and the Phantom Silver Crystal?"

"You have a lot to learn, Zoisite," said Beryl. "Kunzite, explain it to him."

"Well," began Kunzite. "You see,"

Jadeite marched in.

Beryl stood out of her throne with a look of pure fury on her face.

"Where on Earth have you been?!" shouted Beryl. "You just slugged me and did not return for five years! And now you have the nerve to just saunter in here?!"

"Ye," said Jadeite. "What you do about it?"

"I'll tell you what I'll do!" yelled Beryl.

"Oooo!" said Zoisite to Kunzite. "Queen Beryl is angry!"

"This could get ugly," said Kunzite. "Stand back so you don't get hit in the crossfire."

"Good idea," said Zoisite.

That's when Jadeite burst into laughter.

"ARE YOU MOCKING ME!?" shrieked Beryl. "I will end you!"

That's when 12 full grown lions strolled in in formation behind Jadeite.

They all let out a roar in unison, and Zoisite was knocked off his feet.

Beryl took a step back. "What is this?!" she demanded. "You gotta get rid of those… those beasts!"

"Actually," said Jadeite. "That's not why I'm here. The one we have to get rid of…"

Everyone waited.

"IS YOU!"

Jadeite shot lightning out of his palms, and Beryl made a forcefield with her crystal ball.

She shot an eternal sleep attack, but a lion leapt in the way and took the hit.

The other 11 lions darted at Beryl at godspeed, and she didn't know which one to hit.

She spawned a giant crystal and shrieked, "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

But before she could throw it, a lion swatted it out of her hands, and then batted her across the face.

All the lions tore her to shreds and she was mauled beyond recovery.

She died.

Jadeite sat down on Beryl's throne, and picked up her crystal ball.

He freed the lion that was put in eternal sleep, and all the lions sat down in front of him in a perfect line like a bunch of trained pooches.

Zoisite and Kunzite took a step back.

"What do we do?" said Kunzite.

"Why are you asking me?" said Zoisite.

"You're the brains of this team," replied Kunzite.

"Yikes," said Zoisite. "I suggest we make a tactical retreat!"

"I agree," said Kunzite. "Farewell, Jadeite!"

Jadeite nodded his head and let them leave.

"Now then, lions! Our reign of terror begins now!" Jadeite exclaimed.

The lions roared cheerfully, and Jadeite tossed them a chunk of meat.

"First off, I would like to thank Duncan for blocking that eternal sleep attack. That was very brave."

All the lions threw friendly licks towards Duncan.

"Next," began Jadeite.

Suddenly the doors burst open, and Nephrite sprinted in and threw a punch at Jadeite.

But a lion leapt up and caught the blow, and Nephrite leapt back.

"I knew this day would come," said Jadeite. "You are jealous of my lions!"

"No!" lied Nephrite. "I have my own lion! And a bunch of other constellation creatures from mythology as well!"

In through the door marched an army that Nephrite created himself from the stars. They were all the 12 zodiac constellations brought to life.

"Your powerless beasts are no match for my army!" yelled Nephrite. "Give up now and I might spare one of the lions to tell the story!"

"Yeah, about that," said Jadeite. "Attack formation Kappa, go!"

The lions instantly got into an elaborate formation, and tossed a lion directly to the back of Nephrite's line-up.

"No!" cried Nephrite.

Nephrite's army was soon surrounded like the cowboys vs. Indians.

"Stay back!" shouted Nephrite. "Zodiacs, attack!"

All 12 lions zoomed in on one target, and made quick work of Pisces the two fish.

But that's when Leo the Lion threw himself at a lion, and the two rolled off in a heated scrap.

A lion got Libra the Scales in its mouth and dashed off, burying it in the North Pole and then returning.

Sagittarius started shooting arrows, and sniped some lions here and there.

But that's when two lions leapt on his horse-like back and took him to the ground.

They ate him like a water buffalo.

Capricorn the Goat was also disposed of quickly.

Nephrite's army was quickly dwindling, and Nephrite charged Jed.

"Yikes," said Jadeite. "Lions!" he called.

But the lions were too busy toying with their prey.

"No!" said Jadeite.

He threw Beryl's crystal ball like a bowling ball, but Nephrite dodged.

Nephrite summoned the big dipper in his hand, and whacked Jadeite over the head with it.

"Hey!" said Jadeite. "That hurt!"

"And this is gonna hurt more!" promised Nephrite, spawning his sword.

Jadeite used his swift reflexes to dodge Nephrite's sword swings.

"You're a lot faster than one would expect," admitted Nephrite.

"Yes," said Jadeite. "I've gotten stronger from training my lions."

While Jadeite and Nephrite were locked in a heated scuffle, Aquarius ran up to a random lion and soaked it with a bucket of water.

The lion let out a roar, and fled for the hills.

But ten more lions took its place, and quickly ended Aquarius.

That's when Scorpio the Giant Scorpion fell down from the ceiling and pinned a lion down.

It went in with its pincers to put the lion to rest.

But the lion tore off its stinger with its big meaty claws, and the scorpion died.

Virgo flew up in the air and started casting some kind of spell.

But a lion leapt up ten feet in the air and pounced on her, taking her to the ground.

She was quickly ended.

Nephrite looked over his shoulder. Only a few of his warriors remained.

He had to finish Jadeite fast, because once Jadeite was out of the way he could take his lions and become the King of the Jungle.

Nephrite threw a sock to Jadeite's chops, tossing Jadeite for a loop.

"Hurry up, lions!" cried Jadeite.

And hurry they did.

Taurus the Bull bucked into a lion, tossing him into the air.

But then the lions charged Taurus as was their nature, and Taurus sprinted out into the Arctic and ran for many miles.

But this was what the lions were born to do.

They quickly caught up and ended Taurus.

The lions that remained in the Negaverse were then jumped by a large crab, Cancer.

They quickly ended it and one ate it whole.

Aries the Ram ran up and body-slammed a lion, tossing it out of commission.

But that's when four surrounded it and Aries took its own life.

The only one that remained of Nephrite's army was the Gemini Twins, as seen in that episode with those animator girls.

"We won't be defeated!" they said, being the only ones that could speak English.

But that's when all 12 lions reassembled.

"Yikes," said one of the twins. "We can beat them with the power of friendship, right?"

"No," said the other. "But it is worth a try!"

They threw themselves into the center of the pack of lions, and began exchanging blows.

They did not last long and were soon consumed.

One of the lions grunted in question, asking where Leo had gone.

But another lion let out a roar, signifying that he had defeated Leo in one-on-one combat.

Right at this moment, Nephrite had Jadeite in a chokehold.

"Don't move," he said to the lions. "Or your leader gets it!"

The lions waited.

But then one sprung very quickly, as was their specialty, and Nephrite didn't have fast enough reaction time.

He got batted across the face and had to release Jadeite from his grasp.

"NO!" cried Nephrite.

He tried one last resort, and spawned a sword in order to take his own life.

But a lion swatted it out of his hand, and he was soon ended.

"HAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Jadeite. "You guys are the best!"

The lions let out a happy roar, and some of them marked Jadeite's legs with their faces and purred.

"Alright, pack," said Jadeite. "Our next target is Zoisite and Kunzite."

The lions roared in agreement.

* * *

Zoisite and Kunzite were sound asleep in Motoki's arcade which was closed for the night.

They were having a good dream but suddenly it ended, along with their lives.

"Good work, boys," said Jadeite to his lions. "That was almost too easy. Maybe we should have woken them up."

The lions shook their heads.

* * *

The next day, Grandpa heard a knock on his door.

He opened it and saw Jadeite along with 12 lions climbing the temple steps.

"Hey," said Grandpa. "How did they knock before they got up here?"

He did not have time to contemplate this, however, and put on his fighting robe.

He leapt into the air and threw himself at the lions.

One caught the small old man in its mouth.

Grandpa threw a kick on its snout, but then the lion bit down and Grandpa's bulbous head was crushed like a watermelon.

"Wow," said Jadeite. "That was also too easy. Is there anyone else we hate and need to kill?"

The lions looked at each other but had no ideas.

* * *

Jadeite knocked on a door.

"Why hello!" said Kenji.

"Hi," said Jadeite. "Sick 'em, lions!"

"AHH!" cried Kenji. "Family, run! I'll hold them off!"

Kenji pulled out a pipe.

"Make my day, ya beasts!" shouted Kenji charging.

They walked through him like a door and finished off the rest of the family.

Jadeite knocked on Sailor Mercury's door next.

She answered.

"Jadeite!" she cried. "Are those lions?!"

"Yes," said Jadeite. "But upon further thought, I don't think I'll need them."

Jadeite shot lightning out of his palms, ending Ami.

"Well that's it for the Sailors," concluded Jadeite. "Rei was taken down by one of the lions while the others got Grandpa."

* * *

Jadeite knocked on Mamoru Chiba's apartment door and then teleported away.

Tuxedo opened the door and looked out, and on each side of the hall was six lions.

"AHHH!" screamed Tuxedo.

He slammed the door but they tore through it like tissue paper.

Tuxedo was ended.

Artemis and Minako had been heading over to ask Mamoru if he had seen the other Senshi.

"AHHH!" cried Artemis. He threw himself at a lion, but he was ended.

Minako shrieked.

"Hey, quiet down," said Jadeite. "Would you like to become the queen of my jungle?"

"Yes," said Minako.

"Wow, cool!" said Jadeite. "Who should I kill next? I already killed all the Sailors."

"Not all of them," said Minako. "I'll tell you where another one lives!"

* * *

They arrived at Makoto's doorstep.

They knocked, but no one answered.

They had a lion throw a headbutt, knocking down the door, and they entered her apartment.

She was laying there dead.

"Huh?" said Minako.

"That's weird," said Jadeite. "What do you think happened?"

"She must have died of unknown causes," concluded Minako.

"Sad," said Jadeite.

Jadeite and Minako got married and all 12 lions were his best men at the wedding.

FIN


	172. Negaprom

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Sorry, Jadeite," said Beryl. "Look what time it is."

"Oh, it's 10 AM. That's Nephrite's hour."

"Yes," said Beryl.

Nephrite strolled in fashionably late at 10:01 AM. "Yo," he said. "Isn't Jadeite's hour over by now?"

"I goofed the time," admitted Jadeite. "Can I stay and observe?"

"No," said Beryl. "You'll just try to steal his ideas."

"How come Zoisite gets to observe then?" demanded Jadeite. "And he's always disruptive!"

"Hey," said Zoisite who was standing behind Nephrite. He left it at that.

"Nephrite is a loser," he said under his breath.

Kunzite teleported in in a burst of energy. "Queen Beryl, I'm going out to get your dry-cleaning. Can I have your ticket number?"

"It's okay," said Beryl. "Endymion already got it for me."

"No!" said Kunzite. "He's always one-upping me!"

"Guys, guys!" said Beryl. "Is this some kind of jamboree?! This is supposed to be Nephrite's hour! You're welcome to stand in that mob of Youmas and watch, but-"

"What mob of Youmas?" asked Zoisite. "This is just the wallpaper you put it a couple weeks ago. It's not even always there, very odd."

"Oh yeah," recalled Beryl. "Anyway, Nephrite, what is your plan?"

"Well, as you would expect, I will be targeting someone at the peak of their energy," Nephrite began.

"Good idea!" commented Jadeite. "I should try that some time!"

"Beryl," said Nephrite. "Can you get them out of here?"

"My hands are tied," said Beryl.

"Heh heh," said Zoisite. "Stupid plan, Nephrite."

"ANYWAY," said Nephrite loudly. "This week's target will be some girl about to go to prom."

"Prom!" gasped Jadeite loudly. "I remember when I went to prom! It was in the Silver Millennium!"

"Oh, how could I forget such a magical night!" commented Beryl. "Probably the last event I went to with my boyfriend Endymion."

"I thought Endymion said you guys were just going as friends?" recalled Jadeite.

"Shut it, Jadeite!" said Beryl. "You just sat in the bathroom all prom on your phone!"

"LIES!" cried Jadeite defensively. "They didn't even have phones back then!"

"I remember my Negaprom," reminisced Zoisite. "That was before I came out of the closet!"

"There was a time like that?" asked Nephrite, trying to think back. "Oh yeah, that was a looong time ago. Before we even teamed up with Beryl!"

"Wait," said Kunzite. "If we weren't teamed with Beryl, who did we work for again?"

"I think Endymion," said Jadeite.

"What?! NO!" cried Kunzite. "No one tell this to Endymion. His ego is already huge enough."

"Heh," said Beryl. "Endymion, what a guy. I'm glad he's on the evil side finally!"

"We'll see how long it lasts," sneered Kunzite.

Beryl was mad so Kunzite quickly changed the subject.

"I remember prom too, it's all coming back to me," said Kunzite. "Remember who Nephrite's date was?"

"No," said Nephrite.

"Heh," said Kunzite. "That green-haired girl."

"Oh, Mayo!" remembered Nephrite. "What a gal. She still has the hots for me, I'm sure of it!"

Suddenly they all faded into a flashback…

* * *

The limo Prince Endymion rented pulled up to the ball on the moon.

"Oh boy, we're here!" said Jadeite giddily. "I can't wait to meet up with my date!"

"Cut the act," said Nephrite. "I know you don't have a date and you're just going to sit in the bathroom all night."

"What?!" cried Jadeite. "Where would you get that idea?!"

"Hmm, I don't know about this Moon Kingdom," said Kunzite. "This could be a trap. I hate moon children."

"Hey now," said Endymion. "The Moon Kingdom is a good place, and I hope we form an alliance with them one day!"

"Sure, sure!" agreed Endymion's date Beryl. "We will totally do that! Endymion, you're so bright!"

"Hey Endymion," said Zoisite. "Why is your date some measly fortune-teller who works below minimum wage at some carnival or something? You're supposed to be a prince!"

"Watch it," said Beryl. "You have a lot to learn, guy whose name I don't know yet!"

"No, you watch it!" said Zoisite. "I'm one of the prince's elite four! You will always be below me in rank!"

"Sometimes things have a way of working out," said Beryl. "And I will remember your disrespect thousands of years from now."

"Calm down, my queen," said Jadeite.

* * *

"Jadeite!" said Beryl. "I'm wasn't a queen yet!"

"Oh right," said Jadeite. "I don't remember what I said specifically back then."

"Back to the story," said Nephrite.

"Right," agreed Jadeite. "And then I said…"

* * *

"I just don't see why everyone thinks I will spend the whole prom in the bathroom! That will never happen!"

"Sure," said Kunzite.

Finally the limo doors opened and the six of them stepped out.

They were soon greeted by the Moon Queen herself, Queen Serenity.

She was flanked by two friendly kittens.

"Hello, Earthlings," said Queen Serenity.

"Your hair looks stupid," said Zoisite.

"Hey now," said Endymion. "Please ignore him."

"Yes," said Queen Serenity. "I hope you all enjoy your stay in our kingdom."

"Of course," bowed Endymion politely.

The Shitennou didn't move and instead gave nasty looks to Queen Serenity.

"I hate this place," said Kunzite.

"Me too," said Beryl. "But we have to stick with our prince!"

"Come this way," lead Serenity.

"Hey!" barked Serenity's white cat as the pack walked towards the ballroom.

"Did that cat talk?" asked Nephrite.

"Ye," said Artemis. "You alien cretins better be on your best behavior," he warned. "The ballroom is packed with guards that will escort you out at any time."

"Hmm," said Beryl. "Your guards are puny, along with your whole army. You should probably work on your defenses instead of having these parties all the time."

"Go to HELL!" screamed Artemis.

Queen Serenity picked up Artemis.

"Calm down now, my boy," she told him.

Then she apologized to the guests. "He can get a little skittish sometimes. He's still a young lad."

"Don't worry about it," said Endymion. "Say, where's your daughter?"

Queen Serenity and Beryl narrowed their eyes.

"Endymion," said Beryl. "You're supposed to only look at me!"

"Didn't you say we were going as just friends?" recalled Endymion.

"No you said that," said Beryl. "I said we should go as dates."

"Hmm," said Endymion thoughtfully.

Finally they entered the main room.

"Gotta blast," said Serenity.

"Wait," said Jadeite. "Can you point me to the bathroom?"

"Here it goes," said Zoisite.

"No," said Jadeite. "I just want to know in case anything comes up later! I'm going to the food table first, actually!"

"Ah," said Serenity. "Well the bathroom's right down the hall."

"Good," said Jadeite. "I won't be there so don't look for me there."

Jadeite took off down the hall.

"The food table's the other way!" called Serenity, but he kept going.

"Well that was a doozy," said Nephrite. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to find my date!"

"Hey," said Setsuna Meiyoh.

"Hey pretty lady," said Nephrite. "Looking good! Wanna hit the balcony?"

"Yeah boy," said Setsuna.

Her and Nephrite headed on their ways.

"The balcony sounds nice," said Beryl. "Endymion, why don't we go dance there?"

"Actually," said Endymion. "I heard the Moon Princess will be making an appearance soon!"

"So?" demanded Beryl.

"W-well," sputtered Endymion, blushing. "It's just, ya know, polite for the prince to stick around for it! Heh heh!"

"I hate that girl," said Beryl. "I will end her one day! I hope!"

"Hang in there," said Kunzite.

Kunzite and Zoisite took off.

"Yeah," said Zoisite. "So Endymion set me up on this date with this blue-haired girl."

"Hmm," said Kunzite. "Have you ever met her?"

"No," said Zoisite. "I hope she's not generic."

"Yes," agreed Kunzite. "I hope Princess Venus is not either."

"Too bad Endymion didn't set up Jadeite with anyone," noted Zoisite.

"I think he did," said Kunzite. "But Jed was too shy and had to turn her down."

"Dumb kid," said Zoisite. "Let's go make fun of him in the bathroom!"

They went to make fun of Jadeite in the bathroom, but they ran into people in the hall.

"Hey, you have blue hair!" noted Zoisite.

"Yes," said the soon-to-be Ami.

"Oh boy," said Zoisite. "So are you the princess of a habitable planet?"

"No," said Ami sadly. "I kind of just live on the moon because it is too hot on Mercury."

"Hmm," said Zoisite.

"Do you like reading?" asked Mercury.

"No," said Zoisite.

"Uh oh," said Mercury.

"Sorry," said Zoisite. "I just thought people would have more personality in the Silver Millennium. But everyone is pretty much an OC, huh?"

Mercury was somehow offended by this, and she frowned sadly.

* * *

"Hi," said Venus to Kunzite.

"Hey," said Kunzite. "Aren't you a little young to be a princess?"

"I'm like 18 or something back then," said Venus.

"Good," said Kunzite. "I think I'm 20 something. Who knows?"

"You should," said Venus. "This is your first life."

"Huh," considered Kunzite. "So…"

He waited.

Venus didn't say anything.

"Nice hair," said Kunzite. "It is a good color."

"Yours is a cool color too," said Venus awkwardly. "Oh look, Serenity is coming out! I have to go guard her!"

"Ok, hurry back," said Kunzite. "But take your time."

* * *

Jadeite sat down on the toilet and locked the door.

He put his feet up so no one could see he was in there.

He took out his Android device and launched up iFunny.

"Heh," he laughed a couple pictures in, but was sure to not laugh too loud.

"Good thing my plan lets me get wi-fi anywhere, even on the moon!" said Jadeite. "You know, this isn't half bad. It's kind of hard to breathe though."

* * *

"Wowee, this is the most wonderful night ever!" said Beryl.

"Yeah, uh huh," said Endymion.

Beryl looked up at him dreamily.

But his eyes were somewhere else.

"Stop looking at that Serenity clown!" yelled Beryl. "Look at meEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"Yeah, uh huh," said Endymion. "Sorry. Alright, let's dance."

Beryl started to giggle. "I can't believe this guy and I are really dating! The prince of Earth, would you look at that! I'm moving up in the world!"

"Yeah, uh huh," said Endymion. "Let's face this way."

He turned so that Beryl's back was to Serenity and he could get a good look.

"Mmmm," said Endymion.

"Mmmm," said Beryl.

* * *

Kunzite danced with Venus beside Zoisite, who was dancing with Ami.

"So," said Mercury. "I read a good book the other day."

"Nice," said Zoisite. "Every book is a good book to someone."

"Why, that is so true!" agreed Mercury. "I never knew you were so wise!"

"Sure," said Zoisite. But in his mind he was very bored.

Meanwhile Kunzite wasn't having it any easier.

Kunzite waited for Venus to say something but she seemed content not saying anything.

"What is going on in her head?" wondered Kunzite.

Kunzite was also pretty bored.

"Hmm," he said to himself.

* * *

"That punch looks good over all the way across the room," pointed out Endymion suddenly.

"There's punch at this table right here," said Beryl.

"No," said Endymion. "The bowl across the room looks better. Wanna go get me some?"

"YESSSSSSS!" shouted Beryl.

She skittered away.

Endymion wiped the sweat from his brow.

"Phew," he sighed.

Then he walked to the stage.

"Hey princess, ready to dance?"

"Yeeee!" said Serenity.

Endymion put on the mask that matched his tuxedo.

"Let's roll!"

* * *

"Man, I've seen all the new iFunny pics," said Jadeite sadly.

He opened Instagram but he had no followers.

"Time to play some Angry Birds," he decided.

He launched up the game and waited patiently at the logo.

He got on his latest level.

"Oh yeah, I can't get past this one," he remembered. "Too tough."

He closed the game and launched up YouTube.

* * *

Beryl wandered the ballroom for many hours searching for Endymion.

But then she finally spotted him.

"Yay!" she said. "I can finally give him this punch!"

But that's when she dropped the glass.

Dancing with Endymion was none other than Princess Serenity.

Beryl shrieked at the top of her lungs, so loud that they had to turn off the music.

Everyone turned to Beryl and made a circle around her and Endymion.

"What is this?!" demanded Beryl. "Mind your own business, moon trash! This is between me and my boyfriend!"

"Well actually," said Endymion.

"Can it!" said Beryl. "Do you know how much a fortune teller makes?! I had to save up for 10 years to get this dress! And then you're off with some MOON SLEAZE!"

"Hey," said Princess Serenity. "Who are you calling a moon sleaze, you Earth scum!"

"Stay out of this," warned Beryl. "If you don't wanna leave in a stretcher!"

"Don't push your luck!" said Princess Serenity, getting a little feisty.

Beryl was up to her wits' end.

"Endymion!" she yelled. "Tell this loser that she means nothing to you, and apologize to me this instant!"

"Well," said Endymion. "Uh, every life is precious, so…"

"Are you saying you're not my boyfriend?!" cried Beryl.

"I never said I was," said Endymion. "I see you as like… a pal. A chum, per se."

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" shrieked Beryl. "How dare you!"

She ran over to a huge ice sculpture in the middle of the room and kicked it with her foot.

A huge crystal of ice broke off, and she grabbed it in both her hands and lifted it above her head.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" she shrieked. "YOU ARE MIIIIIIIIIINE!"

She threw it right at Endymion, and Princess Serenity leapt in the way and tanked the shot.

"No!" said all the guards. "We did nothing to stop this!'

"My sword isn't even real," said one of the guards.

Beryl threw herself at Serenity, taking her to the ground.

"Hey!" said Queen Serenity. "I take this as an act of war! You Earthlings are forbidden from my planet!"

"No!" cried Endymion. "What did I do?! I don't even know this crazy lady!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" shrieked Beryl while she threw punches to Serenity's exposed torso.

Mercury looked over. "Oh my gosh, our princess is being assaulted by some Earth trash!"

"Hey now," said Kunzite. "Not all Earthlings are bad. We are a peaceful species that mean you no harm!"

"We have to save her!" cried Venus.

The two dashed over to the scrap.

"FINALLY," said Zoisite. "That lady was a snorefest! I thought my life was passing me by."

"Yes," agreed Kunzite.

Zoisite and Kunzite stood there for a long time while all hell broke loose.

"So," said Zoisite. "Wanna, like… dance or something?"

"Wouldn't that be a little weird?" asked Kunzite.

"Hey, no homo!" said Zoisite. "I'm a straight guy! 100%! We're just having a bro dance."

"If you say so," said Kunzite. "As long as this isn't gay."

"Don't worry," assured Zoisite.

"Mmm, good dance," said Kunzite.

"Heh," said Zoisite. "Hey, why am I blushing?"

* * *

A guard tried to pry Beryl off the princess's brutally bashed corpse, but non-queen Beryl threw a punch.

"Oww!" cried the guard. "I am defeated! The Earthlings are too strong!"

He laid down and died.

"NOOOOO!" cried Artemis. "One of ours has been killed! Everyone, stop what you're doing and fight for your moon!"

The moon civilians started throwing themselves at Endymion and Beryl.

"Hey!" said Endymion.

That's when the four Senshi threw themselves at Endymion and got him in a pile driver.

Queen Serenity tried to calm everyone down, but it wasn't working so she had to flee before she got attacked in the madness.

The Senshi all shot their season one attacks, but Endymion leapt out of the way.

"Easy," he said.

Artemis suddenly latched onto his leg and wouldn't let go.

"Noooo!" said Endymion as he was toppled.

That's when Beryl threw herself on Artemis, crushing him.

"AHHHHH! LUNA!" cried Artemis.

"ARTEEEMIIIS!" cried Luna. "Someone save him!"

"This is all your fault, Beryl!" shouted Endymion. "You ruined everything!"

"I'm still not done with you," said Beryl. "You will meet with a terrible fate!"

"Shut up, peasant!" said Endymion, losing his cool.

A moon guard socked him across the chops, and he was tossed across the room.

"NO!" cried Beryl. "He's a good man despite his many flaws!"

Suddenly two moon guards got Endymion in a chokehold, and one of them had a box cutter.

"No!" cried Endymion. "I had so much to live for!"

"Not on my watch!" shouted Nephrite.

He ran up and drop-kicked the guards, killing them both with a single drop-kick.

"Thanks," said Endymion.

"Of course," said Nephrite. "I'm your loyal warrior!"

"Good, I know it will always stay that way," said Endymion warmly.

That's when Zoisite and Kunzite appeared suddenly.

"No," said Venus. "We can't fight!"

"Sadly my hands are tied," said Kunzite.

"By the way," said Zoisite to Mercury. "Your blue hair is stupid! HahahahAH!"

"Woah," said Endymion. "Don't talk to a princess like that!"

But then Mercury shot her bubbles in his face, and he retaliated with a backhand.

"Hey!" said Mars who was first showing her face now. "Don't hit my girl!"

She shot fire at Endymion, but Nephrite summoned his regular metal shield and blocked the attack.

The Shitennou summoned their weapons.

"Man, where is Jadeite?" wondered Kunzite. "Is he really still in the bathroom?"

"Pathetic," said Zoisite.

Suddenly they saw something they never thought they would see.

Jadeite emerged from the bathroom.

"Sorry guys," he said. "My date just went home."

"Down the toilet?" asked Nephrite.

"No," said Jadeite. "There's a window in there."

"Just drop the act," said Kunzite. "We know you were in there on your phone."

"NOOOO! I wasn't!" insisted Jadeite.

"Just admit it," said Zoisite. "And we'll never bring it up again! Not even in flashback!"

"Fine," said Jadeite. "I was in the bathroom the whole time."

"Heh heh," said Nephrite.

They disposed of the entire Moon Kingdom army with little effort.

Beryl took great note at how easily the army was toppled and wrote it down in her notebook.

But then, the princess's guardian princesses got in their battle stances.

"We're not afraid of you!" said Mars.

"Sorry," said Zoisite. "I can't fight girls."

That's when Venus socked Zoisite in the chops, and Zoisite retaliated with a backhand.

"IT'S ON NOW!" yelled Jupiter, firing lightning.

"Woah, they have magic attacks!" cried Jadeite jumping out of the way.

Kunzite fired a generic energy blast, similar to the infamous beam on Motoki.

But Venus countered it with her own beam.

"No!" said Kunzite. "Just her lucky day!"

He shot another generic energy blast, and this one sent Mercury for a ride.

Nephrite charged with his scythe and shield.

But the Sailor Scouts were quicker than they looked.

Mars knocked his scythe away with her same fire attack, but then Nephrite threw his shield like a disc and bopped her on the head.

"OW!" she shouted.

Zoisite ran up during the chaos and quickly stabbed Jupiter with his sword, then quickly retreated.

"AHH!" yelled Jupiter. "Medic!"

The medics tried to heal her but Jadeite decapitated them.

Jupiter had to keep fighting though, and she zapped Jadeite, tossing him across the room.

"This isn't fair!" yelled Kunzite. "We're evenly matched with these princesses!"

"Sad times," said Zoisite. "Maybe we'll get a power-up someday, and then we'll be multiple times stronger than them!"

"We can only hope," said Nephrite. "I hope it's some kind of dark energy. That'd be pretty cool."

Jadeite had now climbed to his feet, and he ran up and got Princess Serenity in a full nelson.

The others were busy fighting, so Jed turned to Endymion.

"Quick, Endymion!" he called. "Throw punches to her exposed torso!"

"NO!" cried Endymion. "Let her go!"

"Sorry, I can't," said Jadeite. "If you're not going to help then this will be a lot harder!"

"I will not," said Endymion sadly.

"Fine," said Jadeite. He threw himself backwards, taking Serenity with him into a table.

Luna and Artemis latched onto Jed's foot.

"Stop it, you monster!" yelled Luna as he threw punches at the moon princess.

"Leave my daughter alone!" yelled Queen Serenity.

"Hey welcome back," said Kunzite. "Yeah, I saw you flee."

That's when Venus fired a beam at him, but he slashed through it with his sword, and then blocked Mars' fireball with his shield.

"I remember when I used to physically fight," he said.

"Enough!" yelled Queen Serenity.

She raised the moon wand right as Beryl made a rogue dash towards Serenity with one of the guard's spear.

That's when the Silver Crystal started to glow, and everyone froze in their tracks.

"Let's leg it," said Endymion.

He took off and his Shitennou followed him.

Beryl slowly put down the spear and backed away with her hands up.

"I'll be back!" she yelled.

They hopped back in the limo, except for Nephrite.

"Wait!" called Sailor Pluto, who was waiting at the limo.

"Setsuna," said Nephrite. "I'm afraid this is goodbye."

"Goodbye," said Setsuna. "I may never see you again."

"Goodbye," repeated Nephrite. "Say, where are the other Outers?"

"Space," said Setsuna.

"Okey doke," said Nephrite. "So long."

"I will never forget you!" called Pluto.

"Peace out!" yelled Neph.

"Well that was a disaster," said Endymion as the driver took them through space.

"I really did have a date though," lied Jadeite.

"Be quiet, kid," said Beryl. "I heard you admit that you didn't have one."

"No, I was kidding!" said Jadeite. "I really did! She climbed out the bathroom window!"

"Just let it go," said Zoisite. "You're just embarrassing yourself."

"But I'm not!" insisted Jadeite. "She was real!"

"Jadeite," said Kunzite. But Kunzite just shook his head.

* * *

"I really did have a girlfriend!" concluded Jadeite in present. "You all were too busy and did not see her!"

"Jadeite, it's been a thousand years," said Beryl. "You did not have a girlfriend."

"Well, you didn't have a boyfriend!" retorted Jadeite.

Queen Beryl put Jed in an eternal sleep.

"She's still salty about it," said Zoisite.

"Hey," considered Nephrite. "How do we remember that prom but not anything about the Silver Crystal or the Rainbow Crystals?"

"I remember it," said Kunzite. "But no one asked me. So we had to wait for Metalia to awake."

"I wonder where Metalia was at prom," said Jadeite, suddenly unthawing from his slumber.

"I met her that night, actually," said Beryl. "She was in some kind of seal, and I broke it with some hocus pocus magic. And then she made me queen!"

"Lucky dog," said Jed. "That should have been me."

"You must have been too busy hiding in the bathroom," taunted Nephrite.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Jadeite. He fled from the room and hid in the bathroom.

"How did he unthaw?" wondered Beryl. "I should get my ball checked."

FIN


	173. Ruler of the Negaverse

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"That won't be necessary," said Beryl. "Boys, I gathered you all here for a reason."

"Will you tell us what it is soon?" asked Zoisite.

"Hold your horses," said Beryl. "I called the four of you to my throne room because…"

They waited.

"You must be destroyed, finally and forever."

"Queen… Beryl!" cried Jadeite. He clenched his fist.

Nephrite got in his fighting stance. Zoisite took a couple steps back behind Kunzite, and Kunzite had pure sorrow in his eyes.

"Why, my queen?" asked Kunzite.

"Your races have reached their finish line. It is time to put you all to rest!" yelled Beryl.

"I understand," said Jadeite. He sat down on the ground and awaited his demise.

Nephrite was ready to spring on Beryl, but she moved too quickly.

She grabbed her ball and the room filled with pink light.

"Goodbye friends," said Jadeite.

Nephrite charged at lightning speed, and Kunzite shut his eyes and waited for the great beyond.

But then the light dimmed and Beryl fell to the ground.

"Shit," panted Beryl. "My ball… must have been facing the wrong way! Someone, *cough*, help me!"

Everyone stood there unmoving and watched Beryl drop dead.

Her corpse sunk into the ground and was no more.

They stood there for ten long minutes.

"Huh?" said Zoisite. "Well how about that!"'

"So I guess we're unemployed?" asked Jadeite.

"No," said Nephrite. "I am the new leader."

Kunzite burst into laughter. "I believe you mean me. I am the strongest."

"Let's have a vote!" said Zoisite. "All for Kunzite?"

Zoisite and Kunzite raised their hands.

"Hey," said Nephrite. "You can't vote for yourself."

"Alright," said Zoisite. "All for Nephrite?"

"No!" said Nephrite. "I take it back!"

"Jadeite, you didn't vote," said Kunzite.

"Oops, I was waiting to vote for myself, but I forgot it was against the rules. I guess Kunzite wins."

"Very well then," smirked Kunzite.

"Nooooo!" said Nephrite. "I want a redo!"

"Sorry," said Zoisite. "The polls are in."

"No," said Nephrite. "That was unfair. The Russians hacked our elections!"

"I think not," said Kunzite.

"No," repeated Nephrite. "Let's do this more fairly, with a game of luck."

"Yes," agreed Jadeite. "Let's play spin the bottle to see who gets to be the new king of the Negaverse!"

"Jadeite," said Zoisite. "That isn't a game you can win."

"Yes it is!" insisted Jadeite. "If I get paired with Minako or Rei, I win!"

"They're not here," said Nephrite sadly.

"Drat," said Jadeite. "Let's pull straws!"

"No," said Nephrite. "Whoever is holding the straws can cheat!"

"This is silly," said Kunzite. "I should be leader, I'm the strongest!" he repeated.

"Yes," said Nephrite. "But I'm the smartest!"

"I'm the one with the biggest breasts, I should be Snow White!" stated Zoisite. "Oops, that line's from something else."

"I have a suggestion," said Jed.

They all waited.

"Whoever taps that pole first is the leader!"

Jadeite took off sprinting towards the pole.

But Kunzite and Nephrite zipped right past him despite his five second head start.

"NOOO!" cried Jadeite. "I meant that pole!" he yelled, pointing to another pole.

"I got it," said Zoisite, touching the pole. "I knew that would happen, Jed. So I went to this pole from the start."

"Good work," said Kunzite. "We need an outside thinker like that for our leader."

"I object," said Nephrite.

"On what grounds?!" yelled Zoisite. "I outsmarted Jadeite fair and square!"

"On the grounds that you are a homosexual," said Nephrite.

"What's that supposed to mean?!" cried Zoisite.

"Yeah," said Kunzite. "You can't talk to our new leader like that!"

"Eternal sleep!" sentenced Zoisite.

Nephrite waited.

"I said, eternal sleep!" said Zoisite.

"Eternal slug!" yelled Nephrite, socking Zoisite as he tried to inch towards Beryl's ball.

Nephrite already knew Kunzite would throw himself, but he wasn't ready, and Kunzite threw himself into Nephrite.

Jadeite dived for Queen Beryl's ball.

"Whoever gets the ball is the leader!" he yelled holding the ball.

"Sorry," said Zoisite. "That's not the ball. That's just a bowling ball. I grabbed this earlier, because I knew you'd do this."

"Nooooo!" said Jadeite. "What is this, Australian rules?!"

"I'm going to Metalia to complain," said Nephrite.

"Wait!" yelled Kunzite but Nephrite took off.

They all reached Metalia's chambers at the same time.

"What happened to Beryl?" demanded Metalia. "I no longer sense her presence."

"She is no more," said Zoisite not very sadly.

"Ah," said Metalia. "Well then, I need someone to take her place."

"I volunteer!" yelled Zoisite.

"Hey," said Kunzite. "I thought we agreed on me!"

"Change of plans," said Zoisite. "I already have experience as queen from moments ago!"

"Silence!" yelled Metalia. "The new leader is…"

They waited.

"Nephrite!"

"YAHOOOO!" yelled Nephrite.

"Metalia-sama!" cried Kunzite. "Nephrite is a loser!"

"Yeah, what he said!" said Zoisite.

"Never question me!" yelled Metalia. "He will have one day to prove that he is right for the position. If he fails, I will choose a new leader."

"Phew," said Kunzite. "Well, his failure is inevitable. I will return tomorrow to claim the throne."

Kunzite went to teleport away, but Nephrite stopped him.

"Kunzite," said Nephrite. "Where's my energy?"

"Go to hell," said Kunzite.

But Kunzite's hypnotism to be loyal to the ruler of the Negaverse kicked in suddenly.

"Yes, Nephrite-sama," said Kunzite.

"Wait what?" said Zoisite. "What's going on here?"

"Zoisite, do whatever the king says," said Kunzite. "It's our duty!"

"No way!" yelled Zoisite. He teleported away.

* * *

The next day, Zoisite and Kunzite came into Nephrite's throne room.

"I can't believe we're going along with this," said Zoisite.

"I want to get the Silver Imperium Crystal so I can see King Nephrite smile," stated Kunzite.

"Oh," said Zoisite, biting his thumb angrily as lightning flashed in the background.

"Greetings," said King Nephrite.

"Shut up, King dork!" yelled Zoisite.

"Zoisite," said Nephrite.

Nephrite fired a beam, killing Zoisite.

"NO!" said Kunzite.

"Clean up that mess," said Nephrite.

"…Yes," said Kunzite.

* * *

"Zoisite," said Kunzite sadly, entering Zoisite's burial chamber. "I tried to get King Nephrite to revive you, but…"

"Why the hell couldn't you?" asked Zoisite. "You're so much stronger than him!"

"I should have taught you to be more patient," said Kunzite.

"Now you're using dub lines!" pointed out Zoisite on his death bed.

Suddenly because this was the dub Zoisite died instantly.

"So long," said Kunzite forlornly.

* * *

Kunzite returned to Nephrite's throne room later that day.

"Kunzite my boy!" said King Nephrite. "I have two new allies that I just recently hypnotized to be evil! Meet Prince Melvin and Princess Molly, from the Earth kingdom!"

"I do not remember them from there," stated Kunzite.

"Oh well," said Nephrite. "I hope you can all get along and get me that Moon Princess!"

"Hmph," said Kunzite, leaving.

* * *

He entered the Nega cafeteria.

"How will I get that princess?" he wondered.

He went to sit down at the Shitennou table, but it was occupied.

"Hey, what is this?" demanded Kunzite.

"Buzz off, you bleached nerd!" yelled Molly.

"Yeah!" taunted Melvin. "You use humans to do your dirty work!"

Kunzite went to end them, but knew that his king would be upset. So he did nothing.

"No lunch today, I guess," he decided, throwing his meal away and going to start on a plan.

* * *

"HAHAHAHAHA!" taunted Kunzite a few hours later. "I have all the Sailor Scouts in a cage, and I will drop it in this pit of lava if you don't hand over the crystal, Sailor Moon!"

"Okay, okay," said Sailor Moon, holding out the crystal to hand to him.

That's when Melvin ran in, and threw himself into the crystal, knocking it into the lava with himself attached.

"NO!" yelled Kunzite. "Why did you kill yourself to sabotage me?!"

That's when Molly ran in, and threw herself at Kunzite. He was forced to flee because he couldn't harm the creature.

He returned to King Nephrite.

"King Nephrite-sama," said Kunzite. "I think those two new recruits have not been hypnotized correctly."

"Buzz off," said Nephrite. "And get me that crystal!"

Kunzite went to try another plan, but the clock struck midnight.

Metalia appeared in the flesh.

"Nephrite, where's my crystal?" asked Metalia.

"Uh… Kunzite, where's my crystal?" asked Nephrite.

"You have failed me, Nephrite," stated Metalia, revoking his king privileges.

"Hey now!" yelled Nephrite. "I think I did just as good as Beryl did, perhaps better! You never revoked her right to rule!"

"Yes," said Metalia. "And it was a mistake. One I will not make again. I will decide the new king tomorrow."

* * *

The next day, the four Shitennou lined up before Metalia.

"Welcome back," said Kunzite to Zoisite.

"Screw you," said Zoisite.

"D'ah," said Kunzite.

"Hey guys," said Jadeite.

"Jadeite?" asked Kunzite. "Where were you yesterday?"

"I decided to take the day off, and it was a good decision," Jed replied.

"Grrr, I was going to try that, but then I don't know what happened," said Kunzite.

"Sad times," said Jed.

"Silence!" yelled Metalia. She waited for a long time.

"I have made my decision," she said. "Zoisite, you're the new king."

"YAHOOOOO!" said Zoisite.

Nephrite vanished.

"Hey!" yelled Zoisite. "Get back here!"

But he did not.

"Kunzite," said Zoisite. "Go end Nephrite this instant, for killing me the other day!"

"Yes, Zoisite-sama," said Kunzite.

Zoisite gushed. "Has a nice ring to it."

Jadeite waited.

"Alright, Jed," said Zoisite. "Let's go hit Nephrite's house. But he probably knows that's the first place we'll look, and won't be there."

* * *

Zoisite and Jed arrived at Nephrite's house.

"Yo," said Nephrite.

"There he is!" cried Zoisite, pointing at Nephrite who was sitting on his couch. "Jadeite, end him!"

"Yes my king!" said Jadeite.

Jadeite threw himself at Nephrite, but Nephrite leapt out of his seat.

Jadeite suffered a lot of recoil damage but stood up anyway.

But that's when Nephrite threw a knee right into his chops, tossing him across the room.

Zoisite grasped Queen Beryl's crystal ball and shot an attack, but Nephrite back-handed it away.

"KUUUNNZIIIIIIIIITE!" yelled Zoisite.

Kunzite appeared.

"What is wrong, my king?" he asked. "I just gathered the humans to do my dirty work!"

"Get him!" yelled Zoisite.

But Nephrite was already gone.

"We will search every foot of this dirtball planet until we find him!" yelled Zoisite. "That's an order!"

But unfortunately they were only able to scout 45% of the dirtball, and returned back to the Negaverse.

"This isn't good," said Zoisite. "I wasted my whole time searching for Nephrite."

As they were walking down the hall they encountered Nephrite at the soda machine.

"NO!" said Zoisite. "That was the second place I was going to look! But I decided against it thinking it would be too obvious! Quick Kunzite, get him!"

But that's when the clock struck midnight, and they were all summoned to Metalia's chamber.

"What is your progress, Zoisite?" asked Metalia.

Zoisite had nothing to say, so he put his arms up.

Metalia shook her head. "I thought you were the smart one. Sad. Meet tomorrow for my next choice."

* * *

They met tomorrow.

"My next choice…" began Metalia.

Jadeite started getting giddy, knowing he had a 50/50 chance.

"Is…" continued Metalia.

Jadeite was bouncing on his feet.

Metalia spotted this, and decided to pick Kunzite.

"Kunzite!" said Metalia.

"Yes?" asked Kunzite.

"No," said Metalia. "You are the new king!"

"FINALLY!" yelled Kunzite. "Things are gonna be different around here! The first order of business is the Silver Imperium Crystal. I need to get it to see the smile on…"

That's when something snapped in Kunzite's head, and his brainwashing was completely removed as he was the king and answered to no one.

He stood there for a long time with a blank expression.

"Kunzite, are you okay?" asked Jed.

But that's when Kunzite threw a punch, tossing Jed across the room.

Nephrite tried to vanish, but Kunzite grabbed his foot and threw him into the ground.

"Hey!" said Metalia.

But Kunzite shot a powerful attack, that equaled the Moon Wand's power, and Metalia was seemingly obliterated.

"Good work, Kunzite!" said Zoisite. "I'm glad you're thinking clearly."

"It's been so many years since I've thought clearly," said Kunzite. "Let's go grab that crystal for ourselves and take over that dirtball!"

"Okay," said Zoisite. "Let's gather the humans to do our dirty work!"

"No?" said Kunzite. "That's stupid. Let's just go grab it ourselves!"

* * *

Kunzite grabbed it himself.

"I WIN! YESSSS!" yelled Kunzite.

He used his mystic powers to transform his castle into a bigger castle.

The he entered the room he spawned with a huge trophy pedestal and put the Silver Crystal on it.

"I can't believe we snagged it," said Zoisite. "What's the plan?"

"Tomorrow," said Kunzite. "There will be big changes. We will destroy the whole universe and create a new one, where we are the rulers! And it will be a paradise for all! HahahAHahha!"

"Haha!" said Zoisite. "Good idea!"

Kunzite went to bed a happy man.

But then the next day he woke up.

His mind was foggy.

"No!" he said.

Queen Metalia warped in all the Shitennou.

"How are you alive?!" cried Zoisite.

Metalia floated in her pod that had a bandage on it.

"Shut up!" yelled Metalia. "You are all awful leaders! Where's the Silver Crystal?!"

"Don't worry," said Zoisite. "We got it!"

Zoisite went to go get it, but in its place was a video tape.

Zoisite returned with the tape and put it in the VCR in Metalia's room.

"Hello," said Kunzite on the tape. "I realize that in two minutes, I will no longer be able to think clearly. My mistake was waiting until the next day to start doing things, and by the time I realized my error, it was too late. So, I am throwing away the Silver Crystal so that beast Metalia cannot get a hold of it. Maybe someday I will recover it for myself, if I ever think clearly again. But until then, goodbye."

"Wow," said Jadeite. "Kunzite's a bad leader."

Metalia was angry.

"Alright, Jadeite! You're up to bat!"

"YYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" yelled Jed. "Don't worry guys, I got this!"

* * *

"Again, again!" yelled Jadeite.

"But Jadeite," said Nephrite. "This is your 50th time around this merry-go-round."

"Alright, alright," said Jed.

He went back to the log flume.

"Keep your seatbelt on, and your hands inside the vehicle at all times," said Zoisite, reading from a prompt.

Jadeite sat down on the log next to Minako who had a blank daze.

"Thanks for retrieving her, Kunzite!" said Jadeite giddily as he took off on the ride.

"WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" yelled Jadeite. "Turning the Negaverse into a fun park was the best idea ever!"

He looked at the clock and saw it was one minute until midnight.

"Drat!" said Jadeite. "I wanted to ride the pirate ship again! Oh well."

He got off the log flume and sat down on the ground.

Seconds later, Metalia brought them into her room.

"Jadeite, what's your progress?" asked Metalia.

"Don't worry, my queen," said Jadeite. "I turned the Negaverse into a fun park."

"No, Jadeite," said Metalia. "Our goal is to get the Silver Crystal."

"I know," said Jadeite. "But I knew this was my only chance to turn the Negaverse into a fun park, so I enjoyed my 24 hours."

Metalia was mad. "This was pointless trying to get you clods to be the king!" she yelled. "I need to call in someone else in!"

* * *

"King Kenji, I found a new source of energy!" yelled Jadeite.

"Ho ho ho," said Kenji. "But sadly we're not getting energy. It's time to go fishing!"

FIN


	174. The Big Game

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Zoisite, dashing in with Kunzite as if the world was falling apart.

"What?" demanded Beryl.

"Well," began Jadeite, but Kunzite slugged him to the ground.

"Queen Beryl-sama," said Kunzite. "We just got Nephrite's wedding invitation."

"Oh no," said Beryl. "Is he marrying that human girl?"

"No," said Kunzite. "She's too young, even in Japan. It's worse! He's marrying that soda machine down the hall!"

"What?! NO!" cried Beryl. "That's Negaverse property! What is the meaning of this?!"

That's when Nephrite pranced in in a groom's outfit.

"It's my big day!" he announced.

"Nephrite, you're in big trouble!" yelled Beryl.

"Uh oh, who snitched?" demanded Nephrite.

"Wasn't me," said Zoisite.

"It was Jadeite," said Kunzite.

"Wait, what?!" cried Jadeite. "No!"

"Don't worry, Jadeite. I know it wasn't you because I didn't send you an invitation," explained Nephrite.

"Good," said Jadeite. "Wait what?!"

"You're in big trouble," repeated Beryl.

"Why?" asked Nephrite.

"There's gotta be some law against this!" said Beryl. "Hold on, let me get my Earth code of conduct."

"Why am I bound to Earth laws?" asked Nephrite angrily.

"Where were you planning on having the wedding?" replied Beryl.

"On Earth, of course," scoffed Nephrite.

"And where is your place of residence?"

"On Earth, of course," scoffed Nephrite. "Hey wait a second!"

"GG Neph, looks like the wedding's off!" said Zoisite.

"No," said Nephrite. He walked away.

"Come back here!" yelled Beryl. "I'm still searching for the legislation involving men and soda machines!"

But he did not return.

* * *

"We are gathered here today," began Boxy the Priest (obviously.) "To join in the holy matrimony of Nephrite and his beloved soda machine."

Standing as Nephrite's best men were Melvin, Jadeite, the Stars, and for unknown reasons, Seiya of the Three Lights.

"By the way, this changes nothing," whispered Nephrite to Melvin. "I was just short on people and didn't want my fiancée to think I didn't have any friends."

On the right side, as the bride's maids, were the toaster, the water fountain, a teapot, the microwave, and Ami Mizuno.

Boxy cleared his throat. "If anyone has a reason why these two, or should I say, this one and this machine, should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace!"

Zoisite went to stand up, but Kunzite shook his head.

"Let the boy have his day," said Kunzite.

"Come on, Kunzite," said Zoisite. "It's a machine! This can't be happening."

"Alright then," continued Boxy. "I guess we're good. Soda machine, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

The soda machine beeped twice.

"Good," said Boxy. "And Nephrite. Do you-"

Just then, Queen Beryl ran in with the police force.

"There he is, officers!" yelled Beryl. "Take him away!"

"What?! NO!" cried Nephrite. "You can't do this! You'll hear from my lawyer!"

The coppers dragged Nephrite away.

The soda machine beeped rapidly in protest but it did not help.

* * *

Nephrite stood before the Supreme Court of the world.

"People of the jury," he said. "I don't want to be here as much as you don't, but this is a problem that needs to be addressed. I have known this vending machine since the Silver Millennium, and during that time, we have fallen in love. I spend all my time with this vending machine, more time than I've spent with anyone in my life."

"But sir," said the judge. "With all due respect, that is an inanimate object, and does not have feelings. It is not a living being."

"Are you to say robots don't have feelings?" countered Nephrite, starting to get heated. "We live in a world where two guys can get married! Two guys! Surely, if a man and a soda machine want to wed, they should be able to! Does anyone disagree?"

Zoisite went to stand up, but Kunzite shook his head.

"Let the boy live his dream," said Kunzite.

"But Kunzite!" said Zoisite. "It's a machine!"

"I will call upon my lawyer to deliver my finishing statement," said Nephrite.

Jadeite pranced up in a suit. "Doctor J. Dite, at your service!"

Jadeite waited for a response.

"Wow," he said. "I was expecting you to be mad, Neph."

"Honestly," said Nephrite. "I'm just relieved it wasn't Melvin."

"Salutations," said Jadeite to the court. "This man, my good pal Nephrite who is a good guy, is here for no good reason. You see, he was just having a happy wedding, living his life, when he got ARRESTED! Ridiculous! Nephrite is a good guy," he repeated. "Sure, he's had a dark past, especially when he dated that 14-year-old human girl, and when he nearly killed all those people with his schemes for energy, but the past is the past."

The jury mumbled amongst themselves.

"And," continued Jadeite. "It's time for renovation! How many of you are actually affected by Nephrite's marriage? None of you! The future can start here! Today it's a man and a soda machine, but tomorrow, it can be a man and a toaster! Or, why stop there? Why not a man, and a bumblebee? Or a man and a young boy?"

"Jadeite," said Nephrite. "Let's slow down there."

"No, I'm just getting started," said Jadeite. "We have to think out of the box more. We should be able to marry multiple people if it makes us happy, or multiple creatures! And someday, multiple objects! Here's an example: a man, a toothbrush, a man, a blanket, a young girl, a fireplace, a socket wrench, and a monkey, all living in perfect marital harmony! This is the future! This is now! This is-"

"I've heard enough," said the judge. "It's time to pass a new amendment!"

"NO!" yelled Beryl. "Judges can't do that! Know your place, mortal!"

"Shut up," said the judge. "The new amendment is this. Under no circumstance can a person marry an object. Court is dismissed."

"NOOOOO!" yelled Nephrite. "I demand a retrial!"

"YAHOOOOO!" said Zoisite.

"It's okay," said Jadeite, putting his hand on Neph's shoulder. "There's always the appeals court!"

Nephrite socked him a good one. "You're the worst lawyer ever!"

That's when Melvin walked in wearing a suit and a briefcase.

"Maxfield," said Melvin. "Your lawyer is here!"

"What?!" cried Nephrite. "Then-"

Jadeite legged it.

* * *

Nephrite headed back to the Negaverse in tears.

"I hate Earth," he said. "So inconsiderate."

He had a bouquet of flowers for his soda machine to let her in on the bad news.

That's when he stopped in his tracks and turned pale.

The soda machine was unplugged.

"That's okay," he said, catching his breath.

He plugged it back in.

But it did not turn on.

"WHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!?" screamed Nephrite. "Someone killed my fiancée! Who?! WHOOO!?"

"It was me," said Molly.

"WHAT?! WHY!?" shouted Nephrite.

"Heh heh," said Molly. "That's what you get for cheating on me with an object!"

"I'll kill you!" yelled Nephrite.

He threw himself at Molly, but it was just a hologram.

Nephrite fell to the floor and sobbed.

"Someone's going to pay dearly for this," he stated.

Zoisite appeared and started laughing. "Haha, sad."

Nephrite leapt to his feet and threw a spinning kick, ending one of Zoisite's arms.

"AHHH!" cried Zoisite. "I was just kidding!"

"Leave," suggested Nephrite. "Unless you want me to get rid of your other arm!"

Zoisite picked up his arm and fled.

Nephrite laid back down.

* * *

It was the day of the big kickball game.

The Shitennou Rollers faced off against Motoki's Stealerz.

"You're gonna pay for this!" Nephrite told Molly on the opposite team.

"Heh heh," said Molly.

On the Shitennou's team was: Queen Beryl, Kunzite, Zoisite, Nephrite, Jadeite, Prince Endymion, Thetis, a hologram made by Metalia, and Kenji.

On the Motoki's Stealerz team was: Motoki, Motoki's sister, Molly, Melvin, Shingo, Taiki's forehead, Diana the Cat, Sailor Iron Mouse, and Motoki's never before seen mother.

Jadeite stepped up to the plate.

He swung some practice kicks with his foot, and then gave a thumb's up to signal that they could throw the ball.

Motoki rolled his famous sidewinder, and Jadeite swung his foot but it was several seconds off.

"Shoot!" said Jadeite.

The next ball he kicked, but it was a foul.

And on the third ball, Jadeite already saw that it was too late to kick the ball, so he didn't even try swinging.

"Jadeite!" yelled Nephrite. "You're bad."

"Hey," said Jadeite. "This is the first time I've played kickball before. Go easy on me."

"No," said Nephrite. "This is about the vending machine! I will avenge her!"

Nephrite stepped up to the plate.

Molly swapped places with Motoki at the pitcher's mound, and Nephrite narrowed his eyes.

"Heh," said Molly.

"Give it all you've got!" yelled Nephrite.

Molly wound up her throw like it was going to be a fastball, but that's when she pulled the ol' switcheroo and threw a slow ball.

But that was her biggest mistake yet.

Nephrite's boot collided with the ball at maximum velocity, and it went flying into the air.

"I've got it! I've got it!" yelled Melvin.

But he tripped on a fire hydrant and had to be benched.

Greg took his place.

Meanwhile, the ball flew miles out of the park, and Nephrite ran around the bases victoriously in a casual jog.

"Alright, you win," said Molly. "I'm sorry for killing your girlfriend. I was just jealous."

Nephrite threw a punch, ending Molly.

"Hey!" said Melvin, instantly recovering with fury. "You're gonna pay for that!"

He threw himself at Nephrite, and Nephrite made him into origami and then buried him six feet under.

"YAHOOO!" yelled Zoisite, getting excited. He fired a beam, killing Motoki.

Motoki's sister threw herself at Zoisite, but Kunzite appeared in front of Zoisite and grabbed her by the face. He held her two feet off the ground, and then fired a beam out of his palm, ending her.

"Guys," said Jadeite. "When's my next kick?"

But it had broken into a riot.

Diana nipped Beryl's arm, and she swung her arm, tossing Diana into the air.

Nephrite fired a beam and sniped her down like one would shoot a bird.

Shingo saw the chaos, and knew he was next. He boosted his speed stat, and took off running.

"We got a runner!" yelled Kunzite.

Endymion unsheathed his sword and leapt into the air.

He appeared in front of Shingo, and decapitated him.

"Hey!" said Queen Beryl. "Let me in on this!"

She spawned a crystal and screamed, "AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" while running over to Taiki's forehead.

She sliced it to bits with the crystal and then sliced the bits to pieces.

She then threw herself into the pieces, obliterating every molecule.

Motoki's never-before-seen mother was beyond livid. She started pounding her chest, and then she got Zoisite in a full nelson.

But Zoisite thought fast and threw a quick elbow, tossing Mama Motoki across the field.

She weakly got on her feet and got in her fighting stance.

But the Negaverse closed in on her.

"Come at me, you freaks!" she yelled.

Kenji charged, and threw a right hook.

But she blocked it, and threw a left hook, tossing Kenji for a loop.

Jadeite took Kenji's spot, and shot lightning out of his palms.

Mama Motoki dove for the ground, but still got a pretty mean shock.

She tried to stand up, but couldn't find the strength.

Thetis ended her mercilessly.

All that was left was Sailor Iron Mouse, who stood there frightened.

"Uh oh," said Beryl. "She might be a tough one. I haven't seen her around these parts."

"CHU!" yelled Sailor Iron Mouse, shooting energy balls out of her gauntlets.

Kunzite blocked one, but the other went rogue and ended Kenji.

"NO!" cried Beryl. "You're gonna pay for that!"

Iron Mouse charged up another attack, and Beryl rose a crystal above her head and readied the scream.

Iron Mouse waited carefully, but she waited too long, and someone ran up from behind her and tore her gauntlets off. She faded away.

"WOOOOO!" cheered the wild crowd.

"Let's go kill someone else!" suggested an anonymous voice, and everyone howled in agreement.

Metalia revived Kenji, and he sprung back to life.

He tested his two arms. "Good as new!" he said.

The rowdy crowd marched straight for the Hikawa Shrine.

"KILL! KILL! KILL!" they chanted.

When they reached the stairs, the crows instantly recognized their evil presence, and charged right for the weakest member, being Zoisite.

"AHHH!" cried Zoisite, ducking into the crowd.

But Kunzite held out his arms, protecting Zoisite.

"Don't worry," he said. "I'll protect you!"

But the crows dove right under his arms in a persistent manner, and started attacking Zoisite like last time.

"NOOOO!" yelled Zoisite.

Thetis threw water at the scrap, dousing the crows and drowning them.

"Hey, watch it!" yelled Zoisite. "You wet my hair!"

"Who are you?" demanded Thetis.

"Who am I?" cried Zoisite. "I am one of the great four! And you don't wanna mess with me!"

He raised his sleeves, ready for battle.

"Down, boys," said Beryl. "Remember the true target."

Thetis let Zoisite off with his life and they continued up the steps.

"KILL! KILL! KILL!" the chanting resumed.

"I see a straggler!" yelled Kenji.

Chad was outside mopping, and Kenji ran up and socked him across the face.

But it wasn't nearly enough, and Chad socked him back.

They locked arms, and Kenji threw a headbutt, suffering half the damage in recoil.

Kunzite raised his arm, and Chad exploded.

"Good one," said Kenji. "If I was younger I would have taught that boy some manners."

Kunzite blew open the door to the temple, and they all marched in.

But it was empty.

They searched the house, and then someone found a door to the basement.

"I see him!" yelled Thetis.

But no one heard her, so she decided to take him out on her own.

She hesitantly opened up the door and walked down the stairs.

She never returned.

"Here's a door!" spotted Jadeite moments later.

The whole crowd gathered.

As they headed down the stairs, they spotted a pile of dust.

"This is Thetis's dust," identified Jadeite. "It's a shame Youmas don't leave corpses."

"That fiend!" yelled Kenji. "I'll give him the one-two!"

"Oh?" said Grandpa.

Everyone turned and saw Grandpa sitting on a chair, sipping tea.

"It's game over, old man!" yelled Metalia's hologram.

"We will give you the what for!" continued Kenji.

"Just give up now," smirked Kunzite. "You don't stand a chance."

Grandpa chuckled, and put his tea on the table. "Alright, boys. You can all come at me at once. Humor me."

"He's bluffing," said Jadeite. "I'll take him out!"

Jadeite shot lightning out of the palm of his hands, but it bounced off Grandpa's solid skin like some kind of metal.

The lightning shot everywhere, blowing up the whole temple and making their battle arena out in the open.

Grandpa and the furniture around him were the only things that remained in the crater.

"You got dust in my tea," stated Grandpa.

He stood up slowly.

"Everyone, get on guard!" yelled Kenji.

"Kenji, my boy," said Grandpa. "You shouldn't hang with this crowd."

"Oh yeah?" laughed Kenji. "And why not?

Suddenly a telepathic beam collided with Kenji, and he dropped dead on the spot.

Everyone got in their fighting stances.

Zoisite scooched towards the back, waiting for an opening to run.

Kunzite turned to Endymion, and an unspoken alliance formed.

Kunzite charged at the speed of light, and Endymion followed suit.

"No, Kunzite!" yelled Zoisite.

Grandpa stomped on the ground, and two rocks flew at them with perfect precision, stopping their charge and knocking them into the walls of the crater.

Grandpa vanished, and everyone turned to see Kunzite was no more.

Endymion tried to crawl out of the crater, but Grandpa ended him too, faster than anyone could keep up.

Everyone lost sight of Grandpa again, and they figured that he was moving at super speeds, faster than light.

"No, I'm next!" cried Jadeite.

No one was safe.

"RUUUUUN!" screamed Beryl.

Zoisite gave it all or nothing and tried to teleport away.

But Grandpa held out his hand, and Zoisite's teleporting petals flew into it.

"No!" said Zoisite. "I can't teleport without my petals!"

Everyone gasped when suddenly Zoisite dropped.

"I think I spotted Grandpa for a split second with his elbow in Zoisite's neck!" announced Nephrite.

The four survivors, Nephrite, Jadeite, Beryl, and Metalia's hologram, decided to scatter, knowing Grandpa couldn't get them all.

But they were wrong.

Grandpa threw a punch, and all four of them dropped like boulders.

Nephrite was still alive, but solely because Grandpa was toying with them.

Nephrite got to his feet. "I'll kill you old man!"

"Really?" said Grandpa, finally showing himself. "Just to give you a better chance, I'll use only my pinkie."

"Starlight Attack!" yelled Nephrite.

But Grandpa didn't look very frightened.

At the very last second, he raised his pinkie, and the attack was ended.

Grandpa shook his head sadly.

"Come on, Nephboy. Is that the best you got?"

Nephrite spawned his sword, but knew it was hopeless so he ran for the crater wall.

"Poor fool," said Grandpa.

He didn't even bother moving to kill Nephrite, and Nephrite suddenly dropped down and never got back up.

Grandpa waited for a long time.

"Mmmmm," he said.

Mama Motoki arose from six feet under, and threw a punch at Grandpa.

But it was the best day of her life, and the punch caught Grandpa off guard.

He toppled.

"I won," said Mama Motoki.

But that's when Grandpa stood back up.

"You got spunk, kid," he said.

He ended Mama Motoki.

FIN


	175. Zoisite Goes to an All-Girls School

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

Jadeite told Beryl his new source of energy.

"Thanks Jadeite," said Beryl. "I'll keep this in mind. You are dismissed."

"So long!" called Jadeite, knowing that this wouldn't be a Jed chapter.

Beryl summoned Zoisite, and Kunzite was there too.

"Sorry Kunzite, you have to go," stated Beryl.

"But why?" said Kunzite sadly.

"It is a personal matter between me and Zoisite," explained Beryl.

"It is?" asked Zoisite. "Uh oh! Kunzite, don't leave!"

Kunzite looked around frantically. "What do I do!?"

"Relax," said Beryl. "I will not end him."

"Ok…" said Kunzite nervously. He stepped outside, but put his ear up to the door.

Jadeite and Nephrite were below him with their ears also up to the door.

"Hey, back off!" yelled Kunzite.

"Ho ho ho," said Kenji with his ear to the door.

"What is this?!" demanded Kunzite. "Some kind of jamboree?"

Beryl cleared her throat. "Alright, Zoisite, time to die."

"NO!" said Kunzite from outside.

Beryl ignored him. "I'm just kidding," laughed Beryl. "Now seriously, did you think I wouldn't know?"

"Enough with the games," said Zoisite sweating.

"No games," said Beryl. "I found this in my mail earlier. I don't know how it got there, but I think it's for you!"

Beryl handed Zoisite the letter.

"Is there some kind of bomb in here?" asked Zoisite.

Beryl shook her head.

"Ok…"

Zoisite opened the letter and examined it for a long time.

"Hmmm," he said.

"What is it?" asked Beryl.

"It's odd," said Zoisite. "Apparently this is from my grandfather. It is his will. It says I have to go to this all girl school?"

"You're right, that is odd," said Beryl. "Why would that be in his will?"

"I don't know," said Zoisite. "But it must be done."

"I see," said Beryl. "Go pack your things, and be sure to come back with energy if possible."

"Yes," agreed Zoisite. "Farewell."

* * *

Zoisite was at the airport, and he was about to board to leave for his school.

He turned to all who came to wish him goodbye.

"Good luck," said Jadeite.

"Ho ho ho," said Kenji.

Nephrite did not show up, so there was just an empty spot where he should have been.

"Well… take care," said Kunzite nervously. "Zoisite, you've gotta promise me not to turn straight at that all-girls school."

"Not to worry," said Zoisite. "I'm as straight as a curly fry."

He hopped aboard the plane, and it took off.

* * *

Once the plane was in a smooth fly, Zoisite opened up his laptop.

He launched Plants vs. Zombies, but didn't have the patience to make it through the loading screen and logged off.

Next he launched up Skype.

He decided to call all his contacts at once in one mega call.

"Hi there!" answered Grandpa.

Zoisite waited for someone else to answer but no one else did.

"Oh no," thought Zoisite. "Now I'm stuck in a one-on-one call with that beast."

"Hello," repeated Grandpa.

"Heyyyy," said Zoisite.

"So," said Grandpa. "Are you the one who started this call?"

"No," lied Zoisite. "I just got a big group call from someone and I don't know who started it."

"The same happened to me," said Grandpa. "If I ever find out who started this call, I would kill them."

Zoisite was about to mention you could see who started it under call information, but decided not to say anything.

"Sooo," said Zoisite.

"Zoisite," said Grandpa.

"Yes," said Zoisite.

"Are you on a plane?"

"Yes," said Zoisite.

"Where ya going?" asked Grandpa.

"Nowhere important," said Zoisite. "Hey look, we're landing!" he lied.

"No you're not," said Grandpa. "I can see outside your window through the video cam."

"Heh heh," said Zoisite. "I was just kidding. But sadly my laptop is about to die."

"No it's not," said Grandpa. He left it at that.

Zoisite sat there quietly for 10 whole minutes.

Zoisite watched Grandpa closely, and saw that he was clicking a lot of buttons like he was playing something else.

"I'm just gonna hang up," thought Zoisite.

He moved his clicker.

"What are you doing?" asked Grandpa.

"Rats!" thought Zoisite. "I thought he wouldn't notice!"

"What are you doing?" asked Zoisite.

"I'm just watching porn, but I have your Skype window opened on the top right corner."

"Please don't tell me that," said Zoisite.

"Oh, sorry," said Grandpa. "Wanna know what vid I'm watching so we can watch together?"

"No thank you," said Zoisite.

"Hey guys!" said Motoki, joining the call. "I'm finally on break, heh heh!"

Zoisite vanished from the call and quickly closed his computer.

He pulled out the battery for safe measures.

"Okay," said Zoisite. "That was scary."

* * *

The plane landed at the school.

"Wow," said Zoisite. "I didn't know there was an airport this close to a school."

He got out and grabbed his suitcase.

"Wait," said Zoisite. "I forgot to bring a girl disguise! Wait, never mind, I don't need one. Now to put on my Sailor Moon girl voice that I was somehow able to do as a man. It makes more sense in the dub, tbh," he noted.

He walked into his room, but there was a girl in there.

"What's going on here?!" cried Zoisite in his normal voice.

"Hey," said Usagi Tsukino, who was in the nude. "I guess we're roommates, haha!"

"Could you put some clothes on?" asked Zoisite.

"Why?" wondered Usagi.

"Because I'm uncomfortable," said Zoisite sadly.

"It's okay," said Usagi. "We're both girls."

"Yeaaaaah," said Zoisite. "I'm gonna flee now."

He fled.

Out in the hall, he dialed the Shitennou Hotline.

Jadeite picked up.

"Hey," said Jed.

"Jadeite, what do I do?" complained Zoisite. "There's a nude girl in my room."

"Lucky dog," said Jadeite.

"Not lucky dog," said Zoisite. "More like bummer."

"I'd gladly take your place," said Jadeite.

"I wish," said Zoisite. "But I must go through with this. This was my grandfather's last wish. All I have to do is not be converted to being straight, but not to worry. Girls are yucky!"

"Do you actually have a problem?" asked Jed. "Or did you just call to talk?"

"I just told you my problem!" yelled Zoisite.

"Thank you for calling the Shitennou Hotline!" said Jadeite. He hung up.

"Sad day," said Zoisite. "As long as I don't run into any other girls, this day is still redeemable."

"Hi!" said a voice. "Are you lost? I am class representative Ami Mizuno!"

"Your blue hair is stupid," said Zoisite.

"Oh," said Ami sadly. "Well, as the class representative, I thought I should go meet the transfer student."

"Buzz off," said Zoisite. "Stop trying to make a move on me, I'm gay I tell you!"

"Oh really?" said Ami. "So you're a lesbian?"

"NOOoooOO!" said Zoisite. "I mean yeees!"

"I'll keep that in mind," said Ami.

* * *

Zoisite slept in the hall that night with his bag of luggage, because he didn't know when it would be safe to enter his room.

"It's tough being a gay MC in a harem anime," he thought sadly.

He went to class in the morning but was stiff from sleeping in the hall.

The only seat open was one surrounded by 12 girls at all possible angles.

"Wait," said the teacher. "You're the new student! Why don't you come up here and introduce yourself?"

"I'm good," said Zoisite, leaning back in his chair and putting his feet on the table.

"Nooooo!" said the sensei. "Get up here!"

"Alright, alright," said Zoisite.

"Hey guys," said Zoisite. He tried to think of a Japanese name that started with a Z but unfortunately there was none. "I'm Zoisite," he said at last.

He sat down.

"If you have any troubles, you can talk to the class representative, Ami Mizuno," said the teacher.

Ami Mizuno blushed for an unknown reason, and sunk in her seat.

"Odd girl," said Zoisite. "But I've already met her."

"Oh, good!" said the teacher. "Now to take attendance."

"Hey!" said a girl from in front of Zoisite, turning around. "I'm Makoto Kino! Pleasure to meet ya!"

"Yeah, that's nice," said Zoisite.

"I'm going down to the pool later, you wanna tag along?" asked Makoto.

"No," said Zoisite.

"Oh," said Makoto. "How about lunch today?"

"No," said Zoisite. "I got my own. And I'm going to eat it in my room, if that girl isn't there."

"Oh," said Makoto. "Would it change your mind if you knew what a great cook I was?"

"That's all girls are good at anyway," said Zoisite. "It's not an accomplishment. Now can you please get your large breasts off my desk? I'm trying to take notes."

Makoto turned back to the board.

"Good riddance," said Zoisite loudly.

* * *

Zoisite bolted out of the class after the class.

"Finally," said Zoisite. "I can't stand the smell of all those women!"

That was when he was confronted with a shorter girl.

"Hi," said Hotaru.

"What do you want, small fry?" asked Zoisite. "I got class to go to!"

"Well," said Hotaru. "You live in the same dorm as me!"

"NOO!" cried Zoisite.

"Yes," giggled Hotaru. "And it's custom that we freshmen help out our senpais!"

"No thanks," said Zoisite.

He went to leave but Hotaru latched on for the long run.

"It's custom!" she howled.

"NOOOO!" said Zoisite. "Get off me!"

He kept trudging along to his next class.

He sat down in the desk but Hotaru was still clinging.

"Buzz off!" said Zoisite. "Don't you have a class to go to?!"

"I can't leave my onee-chan!" explained Hotaru.

"I'm not your onee-chan, dork!" yelled Zoisite. "Get lost!"

Hotaru pouted and left.

"Finally," said Zoisite. "I hope no other girls throw themselves at me."

Suddenly Minako threw herself at Zoisite, and he had to dodge.

"Watch where you're throwing yourself!" he yelled.

"Hey," said Minako. "Did anyone ever tell you you're handsome?"

"Hey," said Zoisite. "I'm a girl!"

"Sure," said Minako. "Maybe next time you should try talking in a girl voice."

"Oops," said Zoisite. "What do you want, kid?"

Minako slipped him her dorm number. "Come pay me a visit after class," she said.

"No," said Zoisite.

When Minako left, Zoisite crumpled up the paper.

* * *

Zoisite headed back to his room. "Finally, at least I'll have a peaceful lunch."

He went to open the door, but suddenly pulled his hand back.

"I'm not sure it's safe yet," he realized.

He walked all the way back to the school, and went down to the cafeteria.

He opened his box lunch that Kunzite made for him.

"Mmmmm," he said. "And no one has bothered me yet!"

That's when a girl stormed up.

"Sorry, this table's full," said Zoisite, even though the table was empty.

"Here!" yelled Rei, throwing a box lunch at him.

Zoisite examined it. "What is this?"

"I didn't make this for you," said Rei, blushing and turning away.

"Ok, good," said Zoisite. "Then don't give it to me."

He handed it back to Rei.

"How dare you!" yelled Rei. "I won't forget this!"

"Okay," said Zoisite. "Have fun."

Rei stormed off.

"Odd girl," repeated Zoisite for the 10th time this day.

* * *

Kunzite had Jadeite and Nephrite over because it was lonely.

"Nice house," said Jadeite.

"Hmph," scoffed Nephrite. "I could spawn this any day!"

"Then why did you spawn a tiny mansion?" asked Kunzite.

"Because I used all my energy spawning the hill!" yelled Nephrite. "And I couldn't be suspicious, because I was on Earth. Whereas you're free in the Negaverse!"

Suddenly the phone rang and Kunzite answered and put it on speaker.

"Kunzite, help!" cried Zoisite.

"What's wrong?" said Kunzite. "I'm heading over!"

"No, don't," said Zoisite. "It's too late."

"Hi Zoisite," said Jadeite.

"Is that Jadeite?" asked Zoisite. "Why is he in our house?"

"Never mind that," said Kunzite. "What's the problem?"

"It's awful, Kunzite!" cried Zoisite. "Girls have been throwing themselves at me all day! And when it was time for gym, there was only one locker room! So I went in, and OHHH BOYYY! This is not healthy for a gay man like me! I'm currently hiding in a locker, and I'll wait till everyone leaves to change!"

"Why not just use a stall?" asked Kunzite.

"Too dangerous," said Zoisite. "What if someone's already in one but forgot to lock the door?"

"That does sound dangerous," agreed Kunzite.

Nephrite and Jadeite looked at each other.

"What exactly is the problem?" they asked each other. "That sounds like heaven!"

"It's a living nightmare!" cried Zoisite. "Girls are yucky!" he said and then hung up.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Jadeite?" said Nephrite.

"Ohhhh yeah!" said Jadeite.

"What are we thinking?" asked Kunzite.

* * *

Jadeite, Nephrite, and Kunzite boarded the plane in girl costumes.

"Just so you know," said Kunzite. "I'm only going to check on Zoisite. I don't want part of any of this monkey business."

"That's great," said Nephrite. "Now Jadeite, is my bra filled enough?"

"No," said Jadeite. "Put about 10 times more tissue paper."

"Good idea," said Nephrite. "Say, where's your tissue paper, Jadeite?"

"Flat is best," said Jadeite.

"Good choice," said Nephrite.

The plane landed and they hopped off.

"Why is the airport so close?" wondered Kunzite, heading into class.

Zoisite was sitting in class.

"Would you girls get off me?" he said, tossing Hotaru to the side.

"Let my arms free!" he demanded.

"NOooOO!" said Minako.

That's when the Shitennou pranced in wearing girl costumes.

"Is that you, guys?" asked Zoisite in shock. "What are you doing here?!"

"We came to check on you!" said Jadeite, sitting down next to Minako.

"Guys," said Kunzite. "Can one of you at least try to put on a girls' voice?"

"Sorry," said Nephrite. "My raspy voice actor can't do that!"

He sat down between two girls and put his arms around them.

Kunzite sat down next to Zoisite.

"Guys, this isn't some kind of game! We could get caught!" warned Kunzite.

"Then maybe you should quiet your voice," said Jadeite.

"Can I continue class now?" asked the teacher.

Ami Mizuno raised her hand. "Mrs. Haruna-sensei, are you just okay that there are four guys dressed up like girls in our class now?"

"Ami!" yelled the teacher. "That's very rude, and no way to welcome our three new students! I thought you were the class rep, start acting like one!"

"Yes," said Ami.

* * *

Nephrite snuck out his window and then went down to Molly's dorm, because she was also at this all-girls school.

He knocked on the door.

Molly answered.

"Oy hello!" said Molly.

"Mawly," said Nephrite. "I came all this way for you."

"That's very kind, onee-chan," said Molly. "But I don't know you."

"No need to put up a charade," said Nephrite. "No one is around."

"I don't know what you're getting at," said Molly. "Do you wanna come in for some tea?"

"Yes," said Nephrite.

He walked in the room, and Molly started pouring the tea.

"What is this?" said Nephrite. "Stop fooling around, Molly! Let's get serious!"

"I don't know what you're talking about," said Molly.

Nephrite took off his girl wig.

"It's me, Nephrite."

Molly was so shocked that she shrieked and threw herself out the window, but unfortunately her dorm was 10 stories high and she didn't make it.

* * *

Jadeite pranced into the cafeteria.

"Alright, who made me lunch?" he called.

But no one answered his call.

"What is this?!" said Jadeite. "Oh no, please tell me I'm not an MC's best friend! NO, NOOO!"

* * *

Kunzite walked down the hall, when suddenly a girl came to talk to him.

"Hey, do you know where-"

Kunzite took off sprinting, and turned the corner, but three girls were in his way.

"Get away from me!" he yelled.

He took off running the other way, and then ran into Zoisite.

"Thank goodness!" said Kunzite. "I have fought many wars, but that was just the worst experience of my life!"

"Hang in there," said Zoisite. "You get used to them eventually."

"No!" yelled Kunzite. "That's the talk of a straight man!"

The bell rung.

"No, our next class!" cried Kunzite.

* * *

The Shitennou sat in class.

Jadeite sat at the side, trying to a get a middle seat but unfortunately he didn't get one because he's just the MC's best friend.

That's when Grandpa, Kenji, and Shingo pranced in in girls' clothes.

Zoisite turned to the other Shitennou.

"What is this?!" said Zoisite.

"Sorry," said Jadeite. "I told them all about this sweet thing we have going on!"

"I'm home," said Grandpa.

"Ho ho ho," said Kenji.

"You guys didn't buy me fast food on the ride here!" complained Shingo. "Where are we, anyway?!"

That's when he looked at the class.

"Oooh, mama!"

"That's my boy," said Kenji. "Now straighten your pigtails and pick a seat between a bunch of girls!"

"Yahoo!" said Shingo.

He sat down next to Jadeite. "Hey young girl!" he said. "How about you and me have a sleepover, if you catch my drift?"

"No, Shingo!" said Jadeite. "It's me, Jadeite!"

"OMG," said Shingo. "My mistake!"

He sat down next to Nephrite.

"Hey baby," said Shingo.

"Don't push your luck," said Nephrite in a man's voice.

"NooooOO!" said Shingo.

"I question his insight if he can't tell that we're guys," said Zoisite.

Kunzite nodded.

Shingo moved over to a seat next to Zoisite.

"Oh, you're a guy," said Shingo, moving on.

"Hey!" said Zoisite. "I'm feminine! Definitely more so than Nephrite!"

Shingo sat down next to Kenji.

"Son," said Kenji. "We came in together!"

"Ah," said Shingo.

"Can I go back to teaching now?" asked the teacher.

"Yes, carry on, lady!" said Grandpa.

"If you say so, wrinkly young girl," said the teacher.

"We can't keep letting people do this," said Zoisite. "It's morally wrong to dress up as the other gender and not tell people in school!"

"You said it!" called Seiya in his girl form, sitting with the other Starlights.

* * *

"Say," began Kunzite. "Have you seen Jadeite and Nephrite around?"

"No," said Zoisite. "I think they've been held up in the locker room for about 10 days."

"Hmm," said Kunzite. "Have you seen Grandpa, Kenji, and Shingo around?"

"No," said Zoisite. "I think they've been held up in the bathroom for about 10 days."

"Something's not right here," said Kunzite.

"I agree," said Zoisite. "We can't let this go on. It'd be morally wrong to!"

Kunzite and Zoisite headed first for the girls-only locker room.

They opened up a locker, and tons of snack wrappers poured out.

Jadeite and Nephrite fell out moments later.

"Hey!" said Nephrite. "What are you doing?!"

"What are you doing?!" yelled Zoisite. "You can just hide in a locker any time, why are you hiding when you actually have girl costumes for once and can roam free?"

"Well," said Nephrite. "People would be suspicious when they don't see us changing."

"I guess you're right," said Zoisite. "So why'd you come all the way here?"

"Well," said Jadeite. "You told me all the girls were throwing themselves at you, but I seem to have a different situation."

"Fool," said Kunzite. "Didn't you know you'd just be the MC's best friend if you were the second to show up?"

Jadeite hung his head.

"Look," said Kunzite. "You guys have to get out of here."

"Uh, no way," said Nephrite. "We still have enough powdered donuts to last us another couple days. Good thing there's a vending machine by the pool, or else we'd be done for!"

"Come on!" yelled Kunzite, grabbing Nephrite by the arm.

"NOOO! Get off!" yelled Nephrite. "Jadeite, don't let him grab the camera!"

"Roger!" said Jadeite.

"Camera?!" yelled Zoisite. "What is this?!"

That's when they heard the sound of a door opening, and voices coming closer.

Suddenly 13 nude girls entered the fray, and Kunzite and Zoisite had to run for their lives.

Jadeite and Nephrite threw themselves in a locker and closed the door.

"Did anyone just hear that?" said Ami. "It sounded like a locker."

"No," said Nephrite from inside the locker.

"How'd all these snack wrappers appear here?" wondered Rei.

* * *

Everyone was sitting in class the next day.

Grandpa threw a paper airplane at Ami, and inside the airplane was his phone number.

"Hey Jadeite," said Nephrite. "How do you rate the teach?"

"A solid 6," said Jadeite. "She's pretty good at giving her math lessons, but she goes a little fast sometimes."

"No, you goofball," said Nephrite. "I mean in her looks!"

"Hmm," said Jadeite thinking. "A solid 6."

The teacher went to begin a lesson, but the door opened.

In came Mamoru Chiba, Motoki, Motoki's sister who had been shown to possibly be lesbian, Melvin, Wiseman, Professor Tomoe, Game Machine Joe, Artemis, and Mr. Kitakata, all in girl costumes.

Melvin, however, looked the prettiest, because he was used to dressing up like a girl as seen in that one episode.

"WHAT IS THIS?!" yelled Zoisite standing up. "You're blowing my cover with this nonsense!"

"Hey," said Mamoru Chiba. "Don't be selfish now. There's enough girls to go around!"

"Yes!" said Zoisite. "But when we all get kicked out there will be none for anyone!"

"Why would we get kicked out?" asked Jadeite.

"Because some of those last guys aren't even trying to look like girls! That one's a cat!"

"Meow," said Artemis, rolling with the flow.

"Umm," said the teacher. "We don't have enough seats to fit you all."

"Not to worry," said Grandpa. "This young lady right here can sit on my lap!"

"Grandpa, it's me, Kunzite!" yelled Kunzite.

"Oh," said Grandpa. "All these guys dressing up as girls is confusing! Wanna sit on my lap anyway?"

"Uh, no!" said Kunzite.

"Perhaps," said Ami, raising her hand. "Maybe some of these students could go to another class!"

"No can do," said Motoki's sister, leading the pack by sitting down on the floor.

They all followed suit.

"Hey," said Jadeite to Tomoe. "Let's swap places! You can have a desk seat!"

"No way," said Tomoe. "I have a great view up a girl's skirt from down here!"

"Drat!" said Jadeite. "He knows!"

"Can you stop looking up my skirt?!" yelled Zoisite.

"I wonder," said Nephrite. "Are there any actual girls left in this class?"

"I'm a girl," said Ami.

"Yes," said Nephrite. "But any others."

He looked around and saw that every student was a guy.

"NOOO!" said Nephrite. "This is when it becomes a problem! I wish it just stayed as us and Zoisite!"

"I wish none of you came," said Zoisite.

"Can I continue the lesson?" said the teacher.

"Not now," said Jadeite. "We're discussing something important."

Jadeite stood up. "Everyone, let's spread out a bit, because we're all in the same class so there's no room for girls!"

"It's okay," said Grandpa. "Some of you make good females, and that's good enough for me!"

"Not for me," said Nephrite. He booked it.

"Yeah, could you please all get out?" said Zoisite. "And don't come back, perhaps!"

The whole class got up and left, besides Zoisite and Ami, and also Kunzite who wasn't here for the girls.

"Good," said Zoisite. "Finally some peace and quiet."

That's when the full class of girls entered back and instantly piled on Zoisite.

"NOOOO!" cried Zoisite, running out of oxygen. "I'd actually prefer the guys here! HEeeEEELP!"

FIN


	176. Jadeite's Lemonade Stand

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

Queen Beryl sat and waited for someone else to come in and interrupt. She sat there for 10 full minutes.

"Queen Beryl!" repeated Jadeite. "Are you there? Earth to Beryl, is anyone home?!"

"Sorry," said Beryl. "I didn't expect it to be a Jed episode. What is your new source?"

"Well," said Jadeite. "I don't have a source, since all energy is essentially the same. But I do have a pretty good scheme."

"Let's hear it."

"Well, I have worked with my Youma team to concoct a special brew of lemonade. Once drunk, this lemonade will cause people's energy to fly straight to the Negaverse!"

"How does that work?" asked Beryl.

"Goofy science," explained Jadeite. "Not worth getting into."

"Very well then," said Beryl. "Hop to it at once."

* * *

Jadeite opened his lemonade stand on a busy street corner in Tokyo.

"They will be eating out of the palm of my hand in minutes!" he announced.

Jadeite sat there for a while and waited.

"Man, I remember when I used to have Youmas to do this stuff for me. Except for the gym episode, of course. And that was the one time I got energy! Oh yeah, but I also didn't have one for the Rei episode. Heh."

Jadeite waited and waited. Finally he got angry.

"Where are the customers?!"

"Over here," said Nephrite.

Jadeite turned and saw, to his horror, that Nephrite was operating his own lemonade stand three feet away. It had a huge line of customers.

"What?!" cried Jadeite. "Why are they all going to your stand and not mine?!"

"Because," explained Nephrite. "Mine is one cent cheaper."

"NOoooO!" yelled Jadeite. "Move up your price at once!"

"No can do," said Nephrite. "I already painted the price on the sign."

"Didn't you create a house and a car?" recalled Jadeite.

"And a mountain," added Nephrite.

"Exactly!" yelled Jadeite. "So take your lemonade stand and move to another street! My lemonade stand is part of a plan to gather energy for the Negaverse!"

"Tough luck," said Nephrite. "My lemonade stand is to raise money for Molly's Girl Scout troop."

"So where's Molly?" asked Jadeite.

Nephrite sighed. "Hopefully not with that nerd. If I ever run into that kid in a dark alley, OOOH!"

Jadeite was livid. "I'll tell Queen Beryl you're sabotaging the Negaverse!"

"Come on Jed, don't be a snitch," said Nephrite.

"Then go away!" yelled Jed.

"No can do," repeated Nephrite.

"How about we team up and split the customers?" Jadeite suggested.

"No can do," repeated Nephrite.

Jadeite sighed. "It's gonna be one of those days."

* * *

Nephrite sat on a pile of money as customers kept coming and coming.

"99 Yen lemonade!" he called. "Get yours before we run out!"

Nephrite spawned a new pitcher full of lemonade, and had sold all of it within seconds.

He wiped his brow. "The lemonade business is fast-paced. I might need to hire some employees."

Zoisite appeared, out of view, to do his hourly check on Nephrite.

"What's going on here?" he thought. "Is Nephrite trying some sort of lemonade scheme to get the Silver Crystal? I won't allow it!"

Zoisite teleported away.

"Nothing can stand in the way of how much money I'm making," said Nephrite. "Especially not that joke stand right there!"

All Nephrite's customers laughed, while Jadeite frowned.

"Now who wants this next glass?" called Nephrite.

Suddenly all his customers fled.

"Hey!" yelled Nephrite. "What is this?!"

"Get your free lemonade!" called Zoisite from a third lemonade stand 3 feet away from Nephrite's.

"What?!" yelled Nephrite. "That's a terrible business move!"

"I don't need Earth money," said Zoisite. "Quick Kunzite, we need another pitcher!"

Kunzite spawned 20 more pitchers of lemonade.

"Hey!" said Nephrite. "That's no fair!"

"Heh," said Jadeite. "Looks like the tables have turned, buddy boy!"

"You're still not getting any business," said Nephrite.

"You're right," said Jadeite. "It's time to take drastic measures."

"This is going well," said Kunzite. "At this rate, Nephrite will never get another customer! And if he never gets customers, he'll never get the Silver Crystal!"

"Heh heh," said Zoisite.

But suddenly all their customers fled somewhere else.

"No! Come back!" cried Zoisite. "He's after your crystal!"

But that didn't slow the crowd in their dash.

"Kunzite, do something!" yelled Zoisite. "Put them in a bubble!"

Kunzite spawned a huge dark energy bubble around the entire crowd, stopping them from progressing.

"Free lemonade AND a free balloon!" howled Jadeite from his stand.

"Jadeite!" exclaimed Zoisite. "I didn't know you were here! This is your fault!"

"Heh heh," said Jadeite.

"What is this, Australian rules?" demanded Nephrite.

The customers were desperate to reach Jadeite's lemonade stand.

They began throwing themselves into the wall of Kunzite's bubble.

"STOP!" yelled Kunzite.

But they didn't, so he started shooting projectiles.

The customers were wiped out by the thousands.

"Now no one has them!" yelled Nephrite. "Good work, stupid!"

"Whatever," said Zoisite. "As long as you don't have them."

After all the customers dropped, Kunzite released his bubble.

"RIP," he said. "Nephrite, you might as well go home."

"No," said Nephrite. "More people will come!"

And they did, straight to Jadeite.

"How can we compete with that?" thought the others.

Kunzite summoned a Play Station, and then 3,000 more.

"Free Play Stations and lemonade!" he called.

"No!" yelled Nephrite.

"Hey!" yelled Jadeite.

The crowd took off sprinting, and Jadeite chased after them with a handful of balloons.

They weren't slowing, so he shot lightning out of his palms, taking out many.

But a lot of them survived, and slipped through his grasp.

Jed grabbed onto some guy's legs, and pulled him to the ground.

He started dragging him towards his lemonade stand, but the man took his own life.

"Dammit!" yelled Jadeite.

He tried to grab another.

"Hey!" yelled Yaten. "Let go of me!"

Yaten threw a kick into Jadeite's head, and Jadeite had to put him to rest.

He pummeled base-form Yaten until he was no more.

"Sad day," said Jadeite. "I wonder if anyone drank that lemonade I gave them, or if they only came for the balloons."

"FREE LION RIDES!" howled Nephrite. "On none other than Leo the Lion himself, straight from the cosmos!"

A good chunk of Zoisite and Kunzite's crowd dashed off, thinking the whole Play Station thing must have been some sort of hoax.

Zoisite bit his thumb angrily, and Kunzite shook his head.

"Free rose bouquets!" howled a voice from nearby.

Kunzite turned to see another lemonade stand set up three feet from his.

"What is this?!" demanded Kunzite.

"Heh heh," chuckled Endymion. "I won't let someone who uses humans to do their dirty work one-up me!"

"Ho ho ho," said Kenji, along for the ride. "Who else wants a bouquet?"

"Kenji-papa," said Shingo. "You said you'd help me with my lemonade stand today! I need to raise money to stay in the Boy Scouts!"

"Scram, ya brat!" said Kenji. "Can't you see I'm busy, stupid runt?

Shingo took off running and leapt off a bridge.

"Finally," said Kenji.

Zoisite continued to hand out Play Stations to the remaining customers.

"Excuse me," said a young hunkster. "Are you a fairy?"

"What?" said Zoisite. "No! What's that supposed to mean?!"

"You must be!" insisted Kitakata, from SuperS episode 137. "You have the beautiful eyes of one!"

Zoisite blushed. "Well, you're a hunkster yourself."

"Hey, what is this?!" yelled Kunzite. "Who do you think you are?!"

"Kunzite, buzz off," said Zoisite. "Me and this fine gentleman are talking."

"HUH?!" howled Kunzite. "What?! Who?!"

"I… better go," said Kitakata. "I don't want any trouble."

"Don't leave!" said Zoisite. "Just ignore my friend here!"

"FRIEND?!" yelled Kunzite. "NO! We're going home right now!"

Kunzite grabbed Zoisite by the arm and vanished.

"Finally," said Nephrite. "I can get some business!"

That's when he realized it was 12 at night.

"NO!"

* * *

The Shitennou showed up the next morning in front of Beryl.

"Guys," said Beryl. "We have a new recruit."

The Shitennou went to open their mouths in objection, but didn't even bother.

"Wise boys," said Beryl. "Now, I'd like to introduce you to the newest Shitennou, Mr. Kitakata!"

"NOOOOOOO!" yelled Kunzite.

"YEEEEEEES!" yelled Zoisite.

Jadeite went to open his mouth again.

"No, Jadeite," said Beryl. "He's a higher rank than you. So don't bother asking again."

"Drat!" said Jadeite.

"But… but how?!" demanded Kunzite. "How did he get here?!"

"Well," began Kitakata. "I figured that every fairy must have a fairy queen, so I followed young Zoisite home, and behold! I have met the fairy queen, Queen Beryl!"

"She's no fairy queen!" yelled Jadeite. "She's just a regular queen!"

"Lies," said Kitakata. "She has red hair, and according to my many years of research, red is a common color for a fairy queen's hair!"

"That doesn't make any sense!" complained Jadeite.

"Why is it always the crazy ones?" complained Nephrite.

"Hey, shut your mouth," said Zoisite. "I think we should all be nice to the new Shitennou!"

"I don't like this one bit," said Kunzite. "You haven't seen the last of me, Shitakata!"

"Of course not," said Kitakata. "I look forward to working with you!"

Kunzite threw a punch at lightning speed, so fast that the force tossed Jadeite over.

Kitakata lifted his big meaty arm, and blocked the blow with little effort.

Kunzite was shocked. "What… what are you?!"

"Hu hu hu," said Kitakata. "I did not get this position for no reason. I am atoned with the fairies, and have spent many years training to be one of them. Also, that big blob fairy named Metalia gave me a powerful buff!"

On that note, Kitakata grew a rainbow aura, and started charging up an attack.

"I call forth the power of the fairies!" he howled.

"Hey!" yelled Nephrite.

Kitakata shot a strong fairy blast straight for Kunzite.

Kunzite leapt out of the way at the last second, but the wall of the Negaverse was no more.

Kunzite growled. "You haven't seen the last of me!" he repeated, and then teleported away.

"So," said Jadeite, getting up. "Where does Kitakata rank? Is he one spot higher than me, or…"

"That's not important," said Beryl. "Now, you and Nephrite show Kitakata around!"

"I'll do it!" volunteered Zoisite, giggling like a maniac.

"Oh boy!" said Kitakata.

* * *

Nephrite stood at his soda machine, counting the bills he made from the lemonade stand.

"Molly will be top Girl Scout!" he said giddily.

That's when Kitakata walked up.

"You again," said Nephrite. "What do you want?"

"You're no fairy," stated Kitakata. "You're just an average male."

"So?" said Nephrite.

Kitakata threw a punch, tossing Nephrite.

"And it begins," sighed Nephrite, not even bothering to get up. "How come every time someone joins they instantly start picking fights?"

* * *

Zoisite and Kitakata entered the Nega Cafeteria, where Jadeite was eating his lunch.

"So this is the café," said Zoisite.

"Mmm," said Kitakata. "So I'll take it they serve nectar here?"

"Why would you think that?" asked Zoisite.

"It's part of the common diet of a fairy," said Kitakata. "Don't tell me you've never had any!"

"Uh, of course I have!" lied Zoisite.

They walked up to the lunch Youma.

"I'll have some orange nectar," ordered Kitakata.

"And a large cheeseburger for me," said Zoisite.

Kitakata shook his head. "Do you want to die?" he asked.

"Huh?" said Zoisite.

"You just ordered a cheeseburger," explained Kitakata. "One bite of that, and a fairy like yourself would be history."

"No, I've had cheeseburgers before," said Zoisite.

Kitakata shook his head. "I'll make that one purple nectar for this fairy here."

The lunch Youma stared for a long time.

"Pardon me," said Zoisite.

He went up and pummeled the lunch Youma. "What are you doing?" demanded Zoisite. "Get me and this hunk some nectar!"

The lunch Youma had no nectar in store, so she threw herself off into the abyss.

Kitakata sighed. "This is the worst fairy cave I've seen," he admitted. "It's almost like a barn."

Zoisite spawned some nectar. "Uh, here!"

"Good, good!" exclaimed Kitakata. "Now it's time to take our seat."

They walked up to the Shitennou table.

They stood impatiently in front of Jadeite.

"What's up?" said Jadeite, taking a bite of his cheeseburger.

"This is the Shitennou table," said Kitakata.

"So?" said Jadeite. "There are many other seats next to me."

"I don't think you understand," said Kitakata.

"Ah," said Jadeite.

He threw himself to the ground before Kitakata could do it, and retreated to his room.

"Good boy," said Kitakata.

Zoisite took a sip of nectar, and almost gagged.

"What is this garbage?!"

Kitakata raised his eyebrows.

"I mean, mmmm!" said Zoisite, taking another sip while crying.

Kitakata dug into his nectar. "I'll be a fairy in no time," he said.

That's when Kunzite ran up and threw himself into Kitakata, taking him for a loop.

Kitakata stood up and dusted off his shirt.

"Are you gonna stand there, or are you gonna fight?!" shouted Kunzite.

"You spilled my nectar," stated Kitakata.

He extended his hand, and grabbed Kunzite by the throat.

"Go Kitakata!" cheered Zoisite.

"Zoisite, no!" yelled Kunzite. "He's got you under his spell!"

* * *

Kunzite retreated to his castle within an inch of his life.

He stared at his picture of him and Zoisite.

"Where did it go wrong?" he wondered. "I won't let Shitakata get away with this!"

"Alright," said Endymion. "That was a clever one the first time, but now, not so much."

Kunzite groaned. "What do you want?"

"You underestimate your opponents," stated Endymion. "And also you use humans to do your dirty work!"

"Take that back!" yelled Kunzite.

"Heh heh heh," chuckled Kitakata, who was behind Endymion, who was behind Kunzite.

"Endymion, you're one to talk! You can't even decide if you're good or evil!" mocked Kitakata.

"Take that back!" yelled Endymion.

"No," said Kitakata.

Kitakata chuckled and walked away.

"I hate that guy!" yelled Endymion.

Endymion fled.

"I hate that guy!" yelled Kunzite.

* * *

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Kitakata. "I found a new source of fairies!"

"Uh, okay," said Beryl. "Let's hear it."

"Follow me," said Kitakata, taking off in a sprint.

Beryl shrugged and stood up.

"Now," began Kitakata as they walked. "See these holes falling into the abyss?" he pointed out.

"Yes," said Beryl.

"What if they are home to many more fairies?"

"Uh, maybe!" said Beryl. "What do you think about this, Kenji?"

"Ho ho ho, I'm just along for the ride!" said Kenji.

That's when Kitakata gasped.

"Qu-Qu-Qu-Queen Fairy!" he stuttered.

"Queen Beryl," corrected Queen Beryl.

"Y-y-y-y-y-y-you're standing on that flower!" sputtered Kitakata.

"Ah, yes," said Beryl. "I hate flowers. I almost got killed by one once. This was the only flower in the Negaverse, so I'm glad it's gone."

Kitakata's face turned bright red.

"You are no fairy, nonetheless a fairy queen!" he stated.

"Duh," said Beryl. "There's no such thing as fairies!"

Kitakata ended Beryl and threw her corpse into the abyss.

He turned to Kenji.

Kenji was eating a slice of toast.

"Are you a fairy?" asked Kitakata.

"Sure," said Kenji.

Kitakata nodded and walked away.

Kenji booked it for his life.

* * *

"Queen Beryl-sama," said Kunzite. "I need to file a complaint."

"Oh?" said a voice from Beryl's throne, which did not belong to Beryl.

Kitakata spun around on the chair.

"NO!" yelled Kunzite. "Where's Beryl?!"

"Gone," said Kitakata. "She was no fairy."

"You… you're insane!" yelled Kunzite.

That's when Zoisite walked in.

"Hey Kitakata, what are you doing on Beryl's throne?"

"This is my throne now," said Kitakata. "Have you been drinking your nectar?"

"Hey now," said Zoisite. "I hate Beryl as much as the next guy, but you can't just go around killing people."

"Have you been drinking your nectar?" repeated Kitakata.

"Totally!"

"Good," said Kitakata. "Drink some more nectar."

"I… just had some!" lied Zoisite. "I'm full."

"Yes," said Kitakata. "But it's a three-quarters moon."

"So?" said Zoisite.

"So," said Kitakata. "You'll die if you don't drink more nectar, right now!"

"Don't do it!" yelled Kunzite.

Zoisite hesitated, and took a sip.

That's when he started coughing. "Too sweet," he said.

Kitakata gasped. "You're no fairy," he said.

"Of course not," said Zoisite. "There's no such thing as fairies, you idiot. And here's how I feel about your nectar!"

Zoisite threw the nectar right in Kitakata's face.

Kitakata wiped it off while smiling. "It's such a shame," he said. "The life of a flower is short and full of suffering."

"Hey now," said Jadeite, appearing. "Me and Nephrite have some beef with you! We'd prefer if you stopped stealing our lines!"

"What he said!" agreed Nephrite.

"Good," said Kitakata. "The gang's all here. Now, you can all die together!"

"Huh?" said Jadeite.

Kitakata started charging up a beam.

"It always ends up this way," said Nephrite sadly.

But when all hope looked lost, Metalia flew in out of nowhere and threw a punch at Kitakata, tossing him across the room.

"Good work!" said Kunzite. "You got him!"

Kitakata sprouted fairy wings and rose to the ceiling of the Negaverse.

"Quick, Metalia! Try that again, but at double strength!" shouted Jadeite.

Metalia charged, but she was instantly obliterated.

"Goodbye everyone," said Nephrite. "We had a good run this chapter."

"I'm not going down without a fight!" yelled Kunzite. "This is personal!"

He spawned his sword and his shield and charged with all he had.

He threw a slice right into Kitakata's neck, but it had no effect.

Kitakata grabbed the blade, and it instantly disintegrated.

Kunzite dropped the handle. "Heh heh," he said nervously.

Kitakata threw a punch, and Kunzite was knocked out of commission.

"Let me try to talk him down," said Zoisite.

Zoisite floated up to him.

"Look, Mr. Katatata, this isn't what the fairies would have wanted. Fairies are about peace, and-"

Kitakata threw a punch, knocking Zoisite out of commission.

"You know nothing about fairies!" Kitakata howled.

"Man," said Jadeite. "Where's that pest Endymion when you need him?"

* * *

Kenji and Endymion sat on a fishing boat miles away from the Negaverse.

"Good thing we escaped before things got hairy," said Kenji.

"Yes," agreed Endymion. "Now keep rowing, we're only 5,000 miles from Japan!"

* * *

"Looks like it's up to us," said Nephrite.

"Yep," said Jadeite.

Jadeite took off running.

"Hey!" said Nephrite. He took off running too.

Jadeite searched his mind for a way to defeat this beast.

Meanwhile, Kitakata flew straight towards them at lightning speed.

When he got close, Nephrite spun around and fired a Starlight Attack right into his face.

Kitakata was unscathed, and he picked Nephrite up over his head.

"Go on without me!" yelled Nephrite.

Nephrite was ended shortly, but it gave Jadeite just enough time to make it to the cafeteria.

"There's nowhere to run," chuckled Kitakata. "With your demise, I will be reborn as a fairy god, and start the world anew!"

"I've met a lot of whackballs in my day," said Jadeite. "But you're easily in the top three!"

"Thanks," said Kitakata. "I take pride in that."

Jadeite was only feet away from making it to the exit, but he knew the distance between them was too small.

"Goodbye, world," said Jadeite.

He shot lightning out of his palms, but Kitakata batted it away.

"I call forth the power of the fairies!" howled Kitakata. "Any last words?!"

"No," said Jadeite. "I've said all that needs to be said."

He sat down on the ground and awaited his demise.

But that's when Grandpa flew in out of nowhere, and threw a kick right to Kitakata's stomach.

Jadeite was smart, and escaped during the combat. He dashed into the kitchen to hide.

He watched as Grandpa threw many blows at Kitakata's throat, and then did a backflip, landing on the ground.

Kitakata was in a great sweat, as he already used a portion of his energy finishing off the Shitennou.

But he wasn't out yet. He disappeared suddenly, and then Grandpa was launched across the café.

Grandpa landed on his feet and threw an energy attack at the beast, but Kitakata tanked it, and came in for another blow.

Jadeite was soon unable to see what was going on, as the combat was occurring at light speed.

"I have one shot at this!" said Jadeite, taking out a slingshot.

Suddenly, Grandpa was spiked to the ground, and had spirals in his eyes like a defeated Pokemon.

"NOOOOOW!" yelled Jadeite, taking the opening.

He fired a cheeseburger, and it hit Kitakata dead on.

Kitakata melted to dust. "Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!" he cried.

"Woah," said Jadeite. "GG. Since everyone is dead, I'm now top Shitennou!"

"Sorry," said Kunzite, crawling out of the rubble. "I survived within an inch of my life. Unfortunately, the same can't be said for Zoisite."

"Drat," said Jadeite. "Oh well, I'll take second best any day."

FIN


	177. The Anti-Shitennou Alliance

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Jadeite, when is our great ruler going to awaken?" asked Beryl.

"Uh… I'm not sure who that is," said Jadeite.

"Ah, right," said Beryl. "She wasn't introduced until Zoisite's arc."

"What do you mean, Zoisite's arc?" asked Jadeite.

"You are dismissed," said Beryl.

"Uh," said Jadeite. "Do I still get paid for today?"

Beryl shook her head. "Maybe tomorrow, we'll see."

"Okay," said Jadeite. He went home.

* * *

"Attention all!" screamed Motoki, slamming his hands on the podium.

Everyone quieted their separate conversations and turned to the front of the room.

"Good," said Motoki. "Now, we all know why we are here."

"Why are we here?" asked Kenji.

Motoki sighed. "We're here because we're all fed up with this so-called Negaverse going around and doing whatever they want!"

"Yeeah!" cheered Melvin. "Let's hang 'em!"

"We're getting to that," said Motoki. "According to this Wikipedia page, there are four key members, and it's rumored that there's some kind of queen. But she hasn't been seen by human eyes yet. The Sailors in fact only saw her once when she was a hologram, but that hologram might have only been seen by the queen's forces."

"Ah, ah!" exclaimed Melvin, taking notes. "That was on episode 33!"

"Yes," said Motoki. "You're going to be the brains of this operation."

"Wahoo!" cheered Melvin. "We can do this! We are the best!"

"Settle down," said Motoki. "We have to be serious. Everyone in this room is a victim of their schemes some way or another."

Game Machine Joe raised his hand.

"Yes, Game Machine Joe," called Motoki. "What is it?"

"Uh, last meeting it was rumored that someone would be bringing some snacks today?" said Joe. "But, uh… the tables are empty."

"That is unfortunate," said Motoki. "I will try to bring some brownies next time if that's the club's wishes."

"I'll bake the brownies!" called Motoki's sister, who didn't actually know what the Negaverse was, but was just there to support her brother.

"Great!" said Motoki. "Onto the next matter, killing the Negaverse! Since this queen may or may not be real, our main focus will be taking down the four 'Shitennou' as they call themselves. Now, there's been a portal sighting in one of the buildings by my arcade."

Molly raised her hand.

"Yes, Osaka," called Motoki.

"It's Molly," said Molly.

"Yes, Molly," called Motoki. "What is it?"

"Well, uh, about the taking down of all four of them. I think we should spare Nephrite."

"I agree," said Melvin. "Maxfield is my best friend."

"Sorry," said Motoki. "But that simply won't do. We must eliminate them all, they are evil!"

"About that," interrupted Grandpa. "That might not be so easy. I once came to blows with their weakest member Zoisite, and although we came to a tie the first scrap, he overpowered me the second time."

"Hang on," said Motoki. "I too came to blows with this 'Zoisite.' I thought he was their strongest?"

Grandpa shook his head sadly. "He's unfortunately the weakest."

Motoki started to shake in his boots, but he got a hold of himself. "Not to worry," he said. "We have our great intellects on our side! We will show all of them that the human race is not to be messed with!"

"YEEEAHH!" screamed Melvin.

"Settle down," repeated Motoki. "Or I'll have to ask you to step outside. Now, since we can't win with our brute strength alone, it will be necessary to formulate a plan."

"WAHOOOO!" screamed Melvin. "A PLAAAAAN! YEAH!"

Motoki said no words, but pointed towards the door.

Melvin pretended to not see, but Motoki didn't continue until he got up and left.

Motoki cleared his throat. "My sister and I have crafted a bulletin board of everything we know about the Shitennou. Let's all take a moment to examine the board. Make a single-file line please."

The board was covered with many different pictures and news clippings of Shitennou-related events and witness encounters.

In the center was a large picture Motoki photographed himself of Jed's hologram over the city. Under it was many newspaper articles about the event.

Next to that was a newspaper article about a city-wide blackout during episode 34, and right under that was a picture photographed by a bystander of when the Starlight Tower transformed into some kind of beast. Under it was a note saying it may or may not be photo-shopped.

There was a section dedicated to sunspots on the sun, and Earth Kingdom artifacts.

Boxy the Priest nodded. "Ahh, I see!"

"Move along," suggested Motoki. "Others need to see."

Another sections was dedicated to Youma sightings, but there were hardly any non-blurry pictures. There was one that looked too good to be real. It was also noted to possibly be photo-shopped.

There were several reports of people blacking out for days, which was assumed to be people turned into monsters from Kunzite's arc.

A long article was written by an eyewitness who claimed that some teacher turned into a beast at the computer school.

Another whole section was dedicated to a mountain and a spooky mansion that were rumored to have appeared out of thin air.

"Fascinating," said Kenji. "You know, I wasn't convinced before, but this section has swayed me. I have lived in Tokyo my whole life and never noticed that mountain until now. That's simply impossible! We must investigate it!"

"You know what?" said Motoki. "I couldn't agree more. We must record and raise public awareness, then maybe we can get Japan to send in some troops! Who's with me?"

"When are we going to fight someone?" demanded Joe. "I still have a bone to pick with that Zoisite. I demand a rematch!"

"Patience," said Motoki. "When the time is right. First we need to gather more evidence."

"Uh, maybe you should look for evidence someplace else," said Molly. "Investigating that mountain would be a bad idea!"

"That simply won't do!" said Motoki. "I'll leave the sign-up sheet for the mountain expedition here, and we'll meet tomorrow at sundown."

"Wouldn't it be best to go during day?" asked Motoki's sis.

Motoki shook his head. "You have a lot to learn."

* * *

The next day, Motoki's squad met up at the base of the hill.

"Hmm," frowned Motoki. "Not as many people care about the safety of our entire planet as I had imagined."

The cast consisted of Motoki, Motoki's sister, Melvin, and Artemis the cat.

"It's okay, onii-chan," said Motoki's sis. "Too big of a group would cause too much suspicion."

"You're right!" agreed Motoki optimistically. He passed Melvin his iPhone 4. "Start recording, tech boy," he commanded.

"Hey," said Melvin. "Just because I'm a nerd doesn't mean I'm good at computers. That's stereotyping! But I am good at computers."

Melvin started filming.

"Greetings," said Motoki. "I'm Motoki Furuhata, and I'm here to report a spooky mountain sighting."

Motoki laid down on the ground and put his ear to the ground. "Now, this seems like regular ol' dirt, but if you examine it more closely, it is fresh."

"Ahh," said Melvin off camera.

Motoki patted the dirt, and then moved his hand across it. He took a little taste.

"This is no normal soil," he promised.

"I can confirm that with my pH test kit," said Melvin.

The camera shook all over as Melvin bent down and took a test.

"He is correct," said Melvin, but he did not elaborate.

"Are you guys stupid?" said Artemis. "Of course the Negaverse lives here!"

"Did that cat just talk?" said Motoki. "Quick, turn the camera on him!"

Artemis went silent. "Meow," he said.

"That was a close one," he thought. "I'll have to destroy that footage later."

The team adventured onward.

"We're getting close to the spooky mansion!" said Motoki. "It's just at the top of this hill!"

"Can we take a break?" begged Melvin, panting. "I need to use my inhaler real quick."

"Not enough time," said Motoki. "They probably already know we're here!"

Motoki broke into a sprint, and Melvin couldn't keep up.

Finally they reached Nephrite's house.

"Look, a car!" exclaimed Motoki. "Are you filming this?!"

But Melvin was laying passed out many feet away.

They waited for him, and it sunk into the night.

"I've returned," said Melvin. He started up the ol' iPhone. "We're rolling again!"

"Look at this license plate!" howled Motoki. "It is unregistered! I checked through a list of all registered plates in Japan while Melvin took his nap, and this is not one of them!"

"Spooky," said Melvin.

They all crept up to the house.

"Where is this mist coming from?" asked Motoki, looking directly in the camera.

They all hid behind a bush in front of the door.

After three hours, the door suddenly opened.

"Quick, record!" yelled Motoki.

"I have been!" said Melvin.

Nephrite pranced out to his doorstep to pick up his newspaper.

"I'll read this one day," he lied to himself.

"Look!" howled Motoki to the camera. "It's one of them!"

"Huh?" said Nephrite, who was only several paces away. "Who's there?"

"Not to worry," said Melvin stepping out into the light. "It's just me! And me alone!"

"Hey, is that a camera?" demanded Nephrite. "No paparazzi!"

He charged up an energy blast.

"LEG IT!" howled Motoki dashing out of the bush. He grabbed his sister's hand and sprinted for it.

"What the hell?" shouted Nephrite. "What's going on here, is this some kind of jamboree?!"

Melvin took off running as Nephrite fired a powerful beam.

Melvin was a lot faster than he looked and managed to outrun the beam. But the force of it tossed him, and he rolled down the hill for a very long time, hitting many trees.

He got to the bottom of the hill to see Motoki and his sister waiting for him.

"Melvin!" cried Motoki. "Did you get the footage?!"

Melvin didn't respond, so Motoki grabbed his phone back.

"Quick, to the news studio!" cried Motoki. "We have to get there before the nightly news at ten!"

* * *

"So here it is!" howled Motoki. "Proof of aliens!"

"Hmm," said the secretary. "Let me play this on the computer."

He plugged the phone into his computer and started playing the footage.

"Is this some kind of joke?" he asked.

"Nope!" said Motoki. "Real paranormals!"

"This is just a black screen with occasional rustling sounds," said the worker.

"No, go to the end!" said Motoki.

It was still just a black screen.

"Look! It's one of them!" someone howled.

This was followed by many screams.

"Let's leg it!" yelled Motoki on the video.

This was followed by many quick rustles and shaking as Melvin ran away.

Then there was a bright flash and a loud scream.

The video ended.

"Wait, there's one more!" said Motoki.

It was just Melvin rolling down the hill, with occasional screams of pain followed by lots of rustling.

"What is this?!" cried Motoki. "Where is the visual?!"

"Ah," said Melvin. "I think I see the problem. It must have been too dark, and your phone doesn't support night camera."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" howled Motoki.

He turned to the news person. "Can't you just air a couple seconds of it? Mainly the screaming part?"

She just shook her head sadly and gave Motoki his phone back.

* * *

"We need a new plan," said Motoki sadly at the next meeting. "Me and a small group, a very small group," he noted angrily, "Went to investigate the spooky hill. We were assaulted by one of them, and we were barely able to stand our ground. Luckily I made the fiend who Melvin identified as Nephrite retreat."

"That didn't happen," said Melvin. "You screamed like a baby and ran away!"

"Wanna go back in the hall?" asked Motoki.

Melvin zipped his lips.

"I think you should leave Nephrite alone," said Molly.

"Hmm," said Motoki. "You're right, I've already taught him a lesson he won't forget. It's time to put the other boys in their places."

Kenji raised his hand. "I stayed up all night devising a strategy, instead of helping Shingo with his homework," he explained.

"We need more dedicated crime fighters like you," said Motoki. "Go ahead."

"Well, I was photographing some strange event," began Kenji. "When one of the Negaverse lackeys tried to steal Princess D's Diamond. I overheard some talk of a Silver Crystal of sorts."

"Interesting," said Motoki. "I do have a witness encounter from the Princess D showcase on my bulletin board. Wanna take a look?"

"No thank you," said Kenji. "Anyway, we can lure them out if they think we have this so-called Silver Crystal!"

"Brilliant!" cried Motoki. "Let's execute this scheme at once!"

* * *

Motoki nailed a huge billboard to the top of his arcade.

"That oughtta do it!" he said.

The billboard read, "Silver Crystal here! Get yours today!"

Melvin entered the arcade. "I just finished hanging up the flyers!" he explained. "I put one in the boys' bathroom, AND the girls' bathroom!"

"Great!" said Motoki.

"Wanna know how I pulled it off?" asked Melvin.

"No thanks," said Motoki.

Boxy entered the arcade as well, followed by the rest of the club.

"Hey all!" said Motoki. "What have you guys done to spread the word?"

"I talked about it at my sermon," said Boxy.

"I told the customers at me mummy's jewel shop," said Molly.

"I put placemats on everyone's table at Crown Parlor," said Motoki's sis.

"Great, great!" said Motoki.

"What now?" asked Crane Machine Joe, getting anxious.

"Now we wait for tonight," stated Motoki.

* * *

Jadeite was walking down the street in an overcoat, shady cap, and glasses, eating an ice cream cone.

"Earth food sure beats Negafood," he said.

That's when he spotted Motoki's billboard.

"Hmm," he said.

* * *

Jadeite arrived in the Negalounge.

"Hey guys," said Jed.

"It's just me," said Kunzite, playing Cookie Clicker on his laptop.

"Oh," said Jed. "I wanted to tell everyone about this goofy billboard I saw, about-"

"Unless it's about the Silver Crystal, I don't care," said Kunzite.

"That's just it!" said Jadeite. "It was!"

Kunzite gasped.

Jadeite shrugged. "I don't quite know what the Silver Crystal is since I wasn't there for Metalia's awakening, but-"

Kunzite fled.

* * *

Kunzite stuck his head into Crown Arcade late that evening.

"Hello?" he called.

Melvin almost responded with a "Hidy ho!" but caught himself at the last second.

Kunzite marched in.

"Too easy," he said.

All the arcade machines were pushed against the wall, and in the middle of the floor laid a Silver Crystal display.

Kunzite cracked open the glass with his eyes and floated the Silver Crystal into his hand.

"Wait a second!" he said. "This is papier-mache!"

"NOOOOW!" yelled Motoki.

A cage dropped over Kunzite, and Motoki stepped out of the shadows.

"Well, well, well," said Motoki. "Look what the cat dragged in!"

"Who are you?" demanded Kunzite. "Tuxedo Mask?"

"No," said Motoki. "I'm just a human! One that has defeated you! Now, I will consider sparing you if you tell me the location of your hideout, followed by the locations of your cohorts!"

Kunzite threw a chop and the cage was no more.

"Uh oh," said Motoki. "Plan B, quick!"

Grandpa peaked out from behind an arcade machine, and fired his sniper rifle straight at the back of Kunzite's neck.

It was a direct hit, and for a normal person it would have paralyzed them for life and probably killed them.

Kunzite rubbed the back of his neck.

"Did I just get bit by a mosquito?"

Kunzite picked the bullet up off the floor and examined it. "Hmm," he said.

"It's all or nothing!" shrieked Motoki. "Humans, charge! For the sake of humanity!"

Motoki charged a punch exactly the same as he charged Zoisite with, and threw it directly at Kunzite.

Kunzite extended his hand and Motoki was tossed through the wall by an invisible force.

Kunzite stood there for a long time as no one else dared to charge.

"Didn't he tell all of you to charge?" asked Kunzite, waiting patiently.

No one else moved or breathed, and Kunzite decided to spare them considering they weren't worth it.

He teleported away.

* * *

Motoki was wheeled into the next meeting by his sister, in a body cast.

She positioned him in the front of the room, and he stared angrily for a long time at his club-mates.

"Sup," said Joe.

"Shut up," said Motoki. "Why didn't you guys charge with me?!"

"Sorry," said Kenji. "We like our lives. Maybe if you would have done better we would have been encouraged to help out."

"Go to hell!" shrieked Motoki.

"Come on, Motoki," said Motoki's sister. "A bullet bounced right off his neck. You shouldn't have charged."

Motoki went to swing at his sister but he was in a body cast.

Motoki took a while to cool down as everyone sat there awkwardly.

Crane Machine Joe got up and left.

"Anyone else wanna leave?" asked Motoki.

Artemis pranced out the door.

Motoki took a deep breath.

"Anyway," he said. "We need a new plan to defeat the Shitennou."

"What if!" said Melvin, without raising his hand as was the club rule. "We ask the Sailors for help?"

"Sadly we can't," said Motoki. "I can't find them. I sent a message on the official discussion board for the Sailor Scouts, but they didn't respond."

"Oh," said Melvin. "I created that board. It's just a fan page."

"D'ah," said Motoki. "Let's go back to brainstorming on how to defeat the-"

Motoki's voice faded out. "Hey, who's that in the back?" he demanded. "With the shady overcoat?!"

Jadeite took off his hat and glasses. "Hey guys," he said.

Everyone screamed and fled.

"NO!" howled Motoki. "Help, I can't move!"

Motoki's sister ran back in and tried to wheel him away.

But Jadeite was blocking the door.

"What's that about defeating the Shitennou?" asked Jed.

Motoki's sister ran the other way.

"I can't save you!" she cried to Motoki.

She leapt out a window and kept running.

"NOOOO!" yelled Motoki. "PLEASE! SOMEONE!"

* * *

A month passed, and it was time for the next meeting.

They had to meet in Shingo's treehouse, because the rec center was no longer safe.

Motoki had now gone through some physical therapy and only needed crutches.

"According to my personal encounters," said Motoki. "That white-haired guy and that blond guy are simply too tough to defeat. However, I'm not sure of the power level of the Nephrite guy, as he ran from me before I got a close look at him."

"Are you still lying about that?" asked Melvin.

"Get out of the treehouse," said Motoki. "I've had enough of you."

"If I could say something," said Motoki's sister.

"No, you abandoned me!" yelled Motoki. "You are no longer my sister! Begone with you!"

Motoki's sister and Melvin exited the treehouse.

"How did you escape your encounter with that cloaked man?" asked Boxy.

"I begged for mercy and he took pity on me," explained Motoki. "Moving on. So we know where this Nephrite fellow lives."

"Just give it a rest!" cried Molly in exasperation. "You are no match for Nephrite, and even if you were, I wouldn't let you near him!"

"What's that supposed to mean?" demanded Motoki. "You're starting to sound like you're in cahoots with that guy!"

"No," said Molly. "But he is my boyfriend."

Motoki spit out his Gatorade.

"Really?" he said slowly.

That's when he tackled Molly to the ground.

* * *

Nephrite kicked his soda machine. "Where's my drink?!" he demanded. "Don't tell me you're out of diet Sprite!"

Suddenly, he heard Molly's voice screaming in the distance.

"Nephroyte!" she howled in distress.

"MULLY!" yelled Nephrite.

He quickly teleported to Molly's house.

There was a note.

He picked it up.

"This is in Japanese! I can't read this!"

Nephrite took the note to a Youma translator.

"Can you translate this to Negavanese?" he asked.

"I'll try," said the Youma.

A few minutes later she returned, and Nephrite read the note.

"Dear Nephrite, I took your gal! If you want to see her again, then come down to the Crown Arcade and end yourself in front of me! Love, Motoki Furuhata."

On it was the official Crown Arcade seal.

"No!" cried Nephrite.

He burnt the letter in his palm.

"Hang in there," said the Youma.

Nephrite burnt the Youma in his palm and she was no more.

* * *

Nephrite burst through the doors at Crown Arcade.

"Hmm," he said, examining the huge mob of humans about to burn Molly on a stake.

"Now," whispered Motoki. "We need a plan!"

"Die, traitor!" yelled Melvin, throwing himself at Nephrite.

Nephrite picked him up and snapped him like a twig.

He experienced inhuman pain and laid on the floor limp.

"I told you that nerd was garbage," Nephrite said to Molly.

The humans figured it was all or nothing, and charged.

"Wait!" said Motoki. "The plan!"

The humans piled on Nephrite 10 layers thick.

He shot out one wave of dark energy around himself, and they were all flung into the walls of Crown Arcade, except for Motoki who hadn't left his spot.

Nephrite spawned his sword.

Motoki pulled out a pool cue.

"Let's dance!" howled Motoki, charging with all he had.

Suddenly Nephrite vanished, and Motoki's pool cue was chopped into 122 pieces of equal size, and then fell apart like a chopped carrot.

"Heh heh," chuckled Motoki nervously.

Nephrite threw a blow, and Motoki experienced inhuman pain.

"Put me out of my misery," begged Motoki.

"No," said Nephrite.

He picked up Molly and fled before the humans could reorganize.

* * *

A year later Motoki got out of the hospital.

He marched straight over to the treehouse and called an emergency meeting.

"These Shitennou have gone around beating us down long enough!" shouted Motoki.

"They weren't going around doing anything," said Molly. "You literally kidnapped me and told him to come kill himself in front of you."

"Do you want to get sent outside?" asked Motoki.

Molly shook her head.

"Hey," said Joe.

"Welcome back," said Motoki bitterly. "You didn't make it to our last plan, huh?"

"Yes, well," said Joe. "Since I didn't have to go to the hospital like everyone else, I was able to scout around, and I found a portal to the Negaverse! It's in some random shop; I'm not quite sure why it's there."

"Good work," said Motoki. "Let's take another three months to recover, and then, I believe the next step is obvious."

* * *

Three months passed, and it was almost time for the assault on the Negaverse.

Motoki needed all the forces he could get, so he called Reika in from Africa.

He also called in his mom, Mrs. Furuhata, and suggested everyone else do the same.

Molly's mom decided to come, because she had unfinished business with the Negaverse after that Youma took her form.

The two lesbians with the pencils from one of Nephrite's episodes were able to make it, as was Molly's "sister" who played tennis, the gardener, the ice skaters, and many other humans of the week.

Motoki examined the team.

"Looking good!" he said. "It's a real shame Usagi and her friends weren't able to come though. And of course we were unable to contact the Sailor Scouts. It's almost like both groups avoided us. Oh, and my so-called good pal Mamoru Chiba also never returned my call. And I'm pretty sure when I knocked on his door I heard him turn off his TV."

"It's okay, my boy!" said Kenji. "I forced my son Shingo to come, and also this stray white cat!"

"Help me!" cried Artemis. "I don't wanna go!"

"Not to worry, my boy!" said Kenji. He left it at that.

"Alright," said Motoki. "I think we're ready. Everyone, get your pitchforks, torches, and other assorted weapons, and let's charge!"

Motoki's army marched into the shop with the portal.

"Can I help you?" asked someone working the counter.

"Uh, no," said Motoki. "We're just here for the portal."

"Sorry," said the shopkeeper. "But we've started charging for admission to use that portal. 10 bucks a person."

"I guess we're doing this the hard way," sighed Motoki.

He threw a sucker-punch, and him and his pack stormed in.

* * *

"Wow, this is the Negaverse," said Motoki in awe.

"Pretty spooky," said Tuxedo Melvin, ready for battle and armed with a bag of shrimps and his toy mallet.

"What's with the kiddy toys?" asked Motoki.

Melvin scoffed loudly. "You have a lot to learn," he said.

They continued onward, until finally spotting another figure.

Zoisite was sitting on the stone bench that he often sat on with Kunzite, filing his nails.

There was a flashy light above it, like a sun ray, only there was no sun in the Negaverse.

"YOU!" howled Motoki. "Point me to your leader!"

Zoisite pointed with his thumb without looking up.

"Thank you," said Motoki bowing. He and his army marched on towards Beryl.

As the gang approached Queen Beryl's throne room doors, Melvin chimed in.

"Good thing we didn't encounter any Youmas," he said. "Now we can attack with our full force!"

"Yes," said Motoki, opening the large doors.

There was a giant statue connected to the ceiling, and there were two figures up ahead.

"That sounds like an excellent plan, Jadeite," said Beryl, not noticing the crowd yet.

"Yes, my queen," said Jadeite's hologram. "I'm in the process of carrying it out right now, in fact!"

"Good, this isn't one of the episodes with the crowd of un-seen Youmas behind Beryl's throne," remarked Kenji. "It's our lucky day!"

"Let's move, boys!" said Motoki, breaking into a sprint. "AHHHHHH!" he screeched as his battle cry.

Beryl's eyes widened, and Jadeite's hologram turned around and gasped.

"FOOLS!" yelled Beryl. She lit up her crystal ball as the army dashed right through Jadeite's hologram and straight for her.

The light was so blinding Motoki had to cover his eyes, but he still charged on, swinging his hand and by pure luck, knocking the ball to the ground and out of Beryl's hands.

It shattered and Beryl screamed. "NOOOO!" she yelled. "Jadeite, kill these fools!"

Beryl summoned a huge crystal in her hand, and started swinging it.

The humans took a couple steps back, out of its range.

"Sorry, I can't!" said Jadeite. "I'm just a hologram!"

"Why didn't you show up in person?!" demanded Beryl. "You have nothing else to do!"

"I didn't think you'd be attacked, my queen," said Jed. "I'll hurry over!"

Jadeite was seen in his hologram running out the door.

"I always knew this day would come," said Beryl. "But I always thought it would be some rogue Youmas, or maybe Nephrite or someone. Not a bunch of humans."

The humans made their move and charged from all angles, and Beryl threw her crystal.

The gardener from the Ami episode during Nephrite's arc was instantly ended.

"She's on the offensive!" howled Motoki.

Gamer Joe retrieved the large crystal from the gardener's corpse and charged Beryl.

He got a quick stab in, and Beryl howled.

She summoned two crystals in each hand, but the humans started yanking them.

Molly's mom ran up and hit her with a golf club, and she fell to the ground.

Motoki went in for a pile-driver, but Jadeite dashed through the doors and shot lightning, knocking him out of the air.

"I'm here m'queen!" called Jed.

"You're too late!" said Grandpa, throwing Rei's paper slips all over Beryl, burning her skin slightly.

Jadeite drop-kicked Grandpa into the abyss, and then snapped Melvin like a twig.

Melvin experienced inhuman pain.

"I can't go through this again!" cried Melvin, throwing himself into the abyss.

"What do we do, Motoki?!" cried Gamer Joe, panicking. "There's two targets now!"

But Motoki was unresponsive. His nervous system had completely shut down, and he was as good as dead.

Motoki's sister was furious. She charged Jadeite with a backhand, but Jadeite threw his own and she dropped dead.

"NOOOO!" howled Motoki's mom.

She ran with her butcher's knife and tried to gouge Jadeite's neck.

But he caught the knife, and with his other hand shot her with a weak beam, and she went flying with it.

"She's just like Motoki!" said Reika. "Speaking of Motoki, I will avenge him!"

She hopped on her steed, and charged with a jousting stick.

But Jadeite picked up the horse and her with it, and threw it a thousand meters away into the abyss.

They heard the horse's howl until it faded away.

Molly wrapped her arms around Jadeite's neck, and the priest ran up and threw punches at his exposed torso.

But they were like gusts of wind, and Jadeite threw a kick, ending the priest.

He pried Molly off and threw her spine into his knee.

She was sent into a whirlwind of pain of which she did not recover.

Gamer Joe knew it was over and darted for it in a random direction. He kept running until he could no longer be seen. He proceeded to run into the emptiness around Beryl's throne room, and was assumed to get lost and starve to death.

Kenji dropped down and tried to trip Jed, but his leg shattered against Jadeite's stone-hard leg.

"OWEEE!" he yelled.

Jadeite picked him up and threw 120 punches, but it looked like a single punch and Kenji's heart gave out.

Shingo begged for mercy but there was none to be given.

Jadeite stomped him like a Goomba until he was flattened like pancake.

Since everyone was trying to fight Jadeite, Beryl tried to stand up.

But then the humans instantly noticed this and took her back to the ground, and proceeded to pummel her with weapons.

"Stop that!" said Jadeite.

He shot lightning out of his hands, taking out a great many humans.

But there was a still a couple left.

Molly's mom threw herself at Jadeite, but he put up a forcefield with one hand like he did in the radio episode.

Her mom was tossed and she died before she hit the ground.

Artemis legged it for the exit, but Jadeite stepped on his tail and he was stopped in his path.

Jadeite picked him up by the scruff of his neck and threw him like a football.

It was assumed he died from either the abyss or the impact, however there's a one in a million chance that he made it out alive.

"Is that everyone?" wondered Jadeite.

He looked around and no one else was standing.

He helped Beryl up to her feet and onto her throne.

"Beryl," said Jadeite. "There's still a pickaxe in your neck."

"Oops," said Beryl, removing it. "I gotta admit that hurt a lot."

"Hmm," said Jadeite. "You should learn to fight without your ball."

"I used to know how," said Beryl. "As seen in the Silver Millennium flashback."

"Ahh," said Jadeite.

"Now for important matters," said Beryl. "How did they find my lair?!"

Suddenly Motoki's mom sprung up, and threw herself at Jadeite, focusing the attack on one specific point.

It was a pressure point, and Jadeite fell to the ground.

"Ouch," said Jadeite.

Motoki's mom stood up. "That's for my children!" she said.

Jadeite stood back up.

"Did you think that would finish me off?" he asked.

Motoki's mom tried to throw a drop-kick, but Jadeite caught her legs, and swung her around like a tornado.

Finally he threw her into a stalactite on the ceiling, and she dropped to the ground like a fly.

"That was odd," said Jadeite. "She had a lot more determination than the rest."

Jadeite's eyes widened as she started to get to her feet again.

But she was very weak, and was missing many bones.

Jadeite took a step back in fear.

"Wow," said Beryl. "This one's one in a hundred!"

Motoki's mom, after a long time, got to her feet.

"Let's go, you freaks!" she howled, charging with all she had.

It was a pity, but Jed had to put her down.

He and Beryl waited for a long time, but she was gone for good.

"Wow," said Jadeite. "In all my years," he began, but trailed off.

Beryl cleared her throat. "Very well," she said. "Time to call in some Youmas to clean up this mess. Man, where was my crowd today? They would have been useful for this kind of thing."

"I always thought they were some kind of wallpaper," said Jed.

"No, they have spoken before," said Beryl. "Such as that time I was calling Nephrite for hours and hours."

"Hmm," said Jadeite.

FIN


	178. Exchange Shitennou

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Jadeite, I have urgent news," said Beryl.

"Does it have to do with our plan to take over the world, or is it something silly?" asked Jed.

Beryl frowned. "It doesn't directly have to do with our plan to take over the world, no."

Jadeite tried to flee, but Beryl screeched incoherently and he decided to stick it out.

"What's up, my queen?" he said at last.

"My good pal Galaxia-sama and I have been talking recently," began Beryl.

"Why would she waste her time talking to someone weak like you?" scoffed Jed.

"Watch it," said Beryl. "The fact that I last 46 full episodes is enough to prove my worth. Do you know how many characters can say the same?"

"Any of the Sailors," considered Jed.

"We're talking bad guys here," explained Beryl. "Anyway, Galaxia-sama wants to do an exchange student program with her group of lackeys."

"Oh boy, that's awesome!" said Jed. "I want to meet the new exchange student! Hopefully they will replace that pest Zoisite!"

"Hey now," said Zoisite, who was standing behind Jadeite the whole time.

"Oh, sorry," lied Jadeite. "It's okay, I'll be satisfied with Nephrite or Kunzite leaving."

"Let me stop you there," said Beryl. "Your time with us is coming to a close. You will be an exchange student at Galaxy TV."

"Drat," said Jed. "I'm gonna miss the Negaverse. And especially you, Beryl!"

Beryl was flattered but it was too late to change things. "Goodbye," she said.

"Wait," said Jadeite. "What about my stuff?"

"Not to worry," said Beryl. "You don't have any."

"D'ah," said Jed.

Beryl warped him away, and in his place stood Sailor Tin Nyanko.

"Who are you supposed to be?" asked Kunzite, entering.

"Hi there," said Tin Nyanko. "I'm the exchange student!"

"Don't get chummy with me," said Nephrite, also entering. "We are the elite four! You cannot just become one of us, especially when you're a female and not named after a stone. We will never accept you!"

"I'm named after a metal," said Tin Nyanko.

"Not good enough," said Kunzite.

"Hey now," said Beryl. "You will treat the new Jadeite with respect! Although you never treated the original Jadeite with respect!"

"Hmm," said Nephrite.

* * *

Jadeite appeared in a strange room and looked all around nervously.

He looked down suddenly, and then screamed.

Two minutes later he calmed down.

"Wait, I can breathe!" said Jadeite. "It looked like I was in space! Something's wrong here!"

"Greetings," said Galaxia. "Welcome to my crew."

"Woah, hold on," said Jadeite. "What is this?!"

"What is what?" asked Galaxia.

"This… this floor! If you can call it that! How am I standing on space itself?! Is this some kind of illusion or goofy wallpaper?!"

"Actually," said Galaxia.

But Jadeite continued. "This is wonky stuff, I tell ya! This has got to be some computer screen or something! But on the floor too?!"

"Settle down," said Galaxia.

"How do you live like this?!" cried Jed. "You must get some kind of headaches if you sit in here too long. It's just too much moving at once! I'm kind of getting light-headed."

Galaxia struck Jed across the face without even moving.

Jadeite gasped. "Hey, watch it! You can't do that!"

"Actually I can," said Galaxia. "It's in your job description."

"I never signed up for this!" argued Jed. "I'm going home."

He went to leave into the abyss of space but bumped into a wall.

"I knew this was just a screen!" he howled.

"Get back here!" barked Galaxia.

Jadeite reluctantly walked over. "Can you point me towards the exit?" he asked.

"No," said Galaxia. Suddenly, she shot a bright yellow energy ball straight into him.

Jadeite put his arms up defensively and braced himself, but nothing happened.

"Huh?" said Galaxia.

She tried again. "Where is your Star Seed?!" she demanded.

"What's that?" asked Jed. "Is that like a pure heart or something?"

"No," said Galaxia. "That's something different. Your Star Seed is for the planet that you're the guardian of."

"I don't think I have one of those," explained Jadeite. "I think I'm some kind of rock man. I don't have a dream mirror either, but Zoisite's kind of emotional so he might have one."

"I don't know who that is," said Galaxia. "But put on these gauntlets."

"What are these?" said Jadeite. "Some kind of hideous fashion statement?"

"No," said Galaxia. She left it at that.

"What do I do with these?" continued Jadeite. "And how will I take them off for sleep?"

"You can't, and you never will," explained Galaxia. "Now use them to get me a true Star Seed!"

"Hold up," said Jadeite. "How am I supposed to wash my arms? And how will I know if it's a true Star Seed?"

"You will know," said Galaxia. "Because if it's not, the person will turn into a Phage."

"What?" snickered Jadeite. "A faggy?"

"No," said Galaxia. "Now get a move on!" she said, gesturing Jed to the door.

"Cool, an elevator!" said Jadeite. He walked inside.

"Hey wait, now that I'm a part of your team, does this make me a Sailor?" asked Jed.

But the elevator door closed.

"Time to get to work!" decided Jed.

* * *

Sailor Tin Nyanko entered the Nega cafeteria.

"I like it here already," she said. "I haven't been slapped once today!"

She went to sit down with the Shitennou.

"Sorry," said Kunzite. "No girls allowed."

"Hey now," said Tin Nyanko. "What are you, gay?"

"Ye," said Kunzite.

"I'm not," said Nephrite. "But sadly we are a boys-only group. It was foolish for your leader to send you."

"Come on," said Tin Nyanko. "Just let me eat some lunch. There's only one table here!"

"Hmm," said Nephrite. "Maybe if you take off those ridiculous bells. I mean, every time you move, our eardrums are assaulted!"

"My bells are not ridiculous," said Tin Nyanko. "I'm a cat."

"But you look like a human," said Zoisite. "Are you some kind of mutant freak?"

"No, I'm a human in a cat costume," explained Tin Nyanko.

"But you just said you're a cat," said Kunzite. "Which is it?"

Tin Nyanko got mad and fled, and they heard her bells ringing until the sound slowly faded away.

"What a goofy character," said Nephrite.

* * *

"Queen Beryl-sama," began Sailor Tin Nyanko. "I seem to have run into some problems."

"What's wrong, Tin Nyanko?" asked Beryl.

"Actually, it's Sailor Tin Nyanko," explained Sailor Tin Nyanko.

"I'm sorry, I can't call you that," said Beryl. "I hate Sailors. And also you don't look like a Sailor. You look like some kind of cat person."

"Well, I'm a Sailor apparently!" said Tin Nyanko. "I don't really remember my past, but I'm sure of it!"

"No," said Beryl. "Sailors have bows and frilly costumes. You look like a cat," she repeated. "And no Sailor would wear those ridiculous bells. They'd be heard a mile away. And I would have known they were coming when they barged into the Negaverse!"

"I'm sorry for your loss," said Tin Nyanko. "But I'm having a crisis! There's no girls' bathroom here!"

"Yes," said Beryl. "The Shitennou are all boys."

"But you're not," said Tin Nyanko.

"I would never use a toilet here," said Beryl. "I'm a queen, I have a private bathroom!"

"Can I use it for a second?" asked Tin Nyanko.

"Sorry, no," said Beryl. "Only queens can use it."

"Please," begged Tin Nyanko. "I've been holding it in all day!"

"Sorry, no," repeated Beryl. "The closest thing we have to a public girls' bathroom is the Youma bathroom, but I wouldn't go in there. It's a real mess."

"Yikes," said Tin Nyanko. "But I am all out of options."

She skittered away.

* * *

Sailor Tin Nyanko entered the Youma bathroom cautiously.

The lights were flickering, and there were toilet paper rolls everywhere.

"Spooky," said Tin Nyanko. "I'll make it quick."

She opened a stall door, but suddenly she was charged by a feral Youma.

The horned beast that attacked Nephrite charged Tin Nyanko with all she had, and Tin Nyanko had to put her to rest.

"That was easy," said Tin Nyanko.

But suddenly the rest of the stall doors opened, revealing more feral Youmas.

"Why does this place have so many unsophisticated beasts?!" wondered Tin Nyanko. "I was told that many of them were civilized."

Tin Nyanko killed every Youma in a five mile radius with a single weak punch.

* * *

"Queen Galaxia-sama!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"What?" demanded Galaxia. "I thought I sent you out to search for True Star Seeds!"

"I tried that," said Jadeite. "I shot like 20 people with these gauntlets. I'm pretty sure there's tons of Phages just running around wild, but there's nothing I can do."

"Did you just shoot anyone random on the street?" barked Galaxia.

"Uh, yeah," said Jadeite. "There's no better way of going at it!"

"You idiot!" yelled Galaxia. "You should only try famous celebrities and true stars!"

"Why?" asked Jadeite.

"BECAUSE!" yelled Galaxia, after thinking for a moment.

"I'm going to need a more logical explanation than that," said Jadeite.

Galaxia opened her mouth but Jadeite cut her off.

"Oh yeah, I had a strange encounter earlier," began Jadeite. "One of the faggies called himself a Sailor, but he was a man! What's the deal with that? Don't Sailors have to be girls?"

Jadeite was struck again.

"Youch!" said Jadeite. "This is more than I bargained for!"

Jed rubbed his face. "Geez, talk about anger issues."

Just then, Sailor Aluminum Siren and Sailor Lead Crow walked in.

"Oooh mama!" said Jadeite. "No one told me there'd be some lookers here!"

"Who are you?" asked Lead Crow.

"I'm the new recruit," explained Jed. "Hey, aqua girl!"

"Me?" asked Aluminum Siren.

"Yeah, you're the only aqua one," said Jadeite. "The other two are orange."

"Well, I'm not actually aqua," said Siren. "My clothes are aqua."

"Whatever," said Jed. "You should take that hideous thing off your face. You would be a lot prettier."

"Hey," said Lead Crow. "Don't talk to her that way!"

"What are you?" asked Jadeite. "Her girlfriend?"

"No," said Lead Crow. "I'm her rival!"

"Whatever you say," said Jadeite. "But you remind me of two guys I know back home, Nephrite and Zoisite. But those two are definitely gay for each other. And I feel the same thing is happening here."

"Back off!" said Lead Crow. "You're useless! You can't even get a True Star Seed!"

"Oh yeah?" said Jed. "Well, your whole body's orange!"

"Well your hair is stupid!" said Siren.

"No," said Jadeite. "I have a normal guy's hairstyle, in both cut and color. But if you want to see some goofy hair, you should see my co-workers!"

"At least I don't have a goofy outfit," said Lead Crow.

"You totally do!" yelled Jadeite. "And that one with the stupid face thing is even worse! She looked so much better when she posed as a human!"

"How do you know that, creep?!" demanded Aluminum Siren.

"I had a lot of free time when I was supposed to be hunting True Star Seeds," admitted Jadeite.

"What was that?!" said Galaxia.

"Stop ganging up on me!" said Jadeite, opening the elevator. "But seriously though, what is this? There's no way outer-space can be connected to this radio tower! This has gotta be some illusion!"

He rode the elevator downstairs, and knocked over the wood boards blocking it as he exited.

"This is stupid," said Jadeite. "No one else comes in this building. Why do they keep putting those back?"

On his way out of Galaxy TV, he bumped into another one of Galaxia's crew members.

"Hi!" said Sailor Iron Mouse.

"What do you want, dweeb?" said Jadeite.

"Oh," said Iron Mouse. "I just wanted to tell you not to mind if those two bullies pick on you! They used to pick on me too, before you came."

"Get lost, shorty," said Jadeite. He headed out.

* * *

"Queen Beryl-sama!" yelled Tin Nyanko. "I found a True Star Seed holder!"

"I don't know what that means," said Beryl. "Any progress on the Silver Crystal?"

"Man," sighed Tin Nyanko. "Everywhere I work I'm just on some wild goose chase. At least I'm not getting struck anymore."

"Well," said Beryl. "I would strike you if I could, but unfortunately all my men are quick on their feet and don't stand still to get struck. Unless they are mortally wounded, like Zoisite that one time."

"I hope I won't be in that situation," said Tin Nyanko. She fled.

In the hallway, she ran into the Shitennou.

"We have a bone to pick with you," said Nephrite.

"Oh?" asked Tin Nyanko.

"Yes," said Zoisite. "Is it true that you are in fact Pikachu?"

"No," said Tin Nyanko. "I am a cat, and Pikachu is a mouse."

"Yeah, yeah," said Kunzite. "We've heard it before. But we know you're Pikachu."

"No," repeated Tin Nyanko. "While we share the same voice actor, my character is in fact completely different!"

"So you have the same voice actor as Pikachu?" continued Nephrite. "Can you say, 'Pika Pika?'"

"I could," said Tin Nyanko. "But I will not."

"Please," said Zoisite. "Just for my ringtone!"

"No," said Tin Nyanko, getting annoyed. "Just look up a YouTube video, or watch any episode of Pokemon."

"You know," said Nephrite. "I kind of hear it! Not when she talks, but when she makes sounds!"

"I kind of hear it too," said Kunzite. "What's it like inside a Pokeball? It looks like it would be cramped, but I imagine that there's a full house in there."

"I would not know," said Tin Nyanko. "As I am not Pikachu."

"How is Satoshi doing?" asked Nephrite. "Are you an Amourshipper, or did you like May better?"

"I don't know those people," said Tin Nyanko. "As I am not Pikachu."

"Can you do an Iron Tail?" asked Zoisite. "You do have a tail, but I think you're some kind of tin man so you might not be able to. Can you do a Tin Tail?"

"Shut up!" yelled Tin Nyanko. "I am not Pikachu!"

"She repeats herself like Pikachu," noted Kunzite.

Tin Nyanko threw a punch at Kunzite, and Kunzite was tossed all the way across the Negaverse.

"Woah, woah!" said Zoisite, visibly shaken. "We were just kidding!"

"Yes!" said Nephrite. "We know that you are not Pikachu, we were just joking around."

Just then Nephrite threw a punch, but it was reflected off her tin-like skin.

"YOUUCH!" yelled Nephrite. "It's almost like you're from season 5 or something, and can tank Sailor Moon and Seiya's attack!"

"Who's Seiya?" asked Zoisite.

"An unlikeable character," said Nephrite. "Kinda like MEEE!" he howled, throwing a kick.

Tin Nyanko caught his foot, and with a single flick of the wrist, Nephrite was tossed into a whirlwind of pain.

Zoisite headed for the hills, but Tin Nyanko appeared in front of him and threw a quick chop, ending Zoisite.

* * *

Jadeite marched back into Galaxia's throne room.

"What is the progress-"

"Let me stop you there," said Jadeite. "I gave up on the whole True Star Seed thing, because these gauntlets are itchy. So I broke them off."

"How did you do that?!" demanded Galaxia.

"I don't know," admitted Jadeite. "It was all a blur, but all I know is I don't have them anymore."

Galaxia tried to strike Jadeite, but he knew it was coming a mile away and side-stepped.

"Nice try, Speedy Gonzalez," said Jadeite. "But you're too predictable."

Galaxia was madder than she'd ever been.

"Speaking of predictable, I know you're never going to stand up," said Jadeite. "I knew a queen like you once, but even she stood up every now and then."

Galaxia was fuming.

"Oh, and another thing," continued Jadeite. "On my way in here, I heard some of your crew members referring to themselves as Animajollies, or something. Is that correct?"

"It's Animamates," corrected Galaxia furiously.

"Animatronics? Aww yuck, you're a FNAF fanboy!" complained Jadeite. "I can't believe it, you're the worst kind of person!"

"I don't know what that is," said Galaxia. "But it's not Animatronics. It's Animamates."

"Amalgamates?" asked Jadeite. "No, don't tell me you're an Undertale fanboy, that's even worse!"

"Wrong," said Galaxia. "That's not worse, it's much better."

"Both fandoms are cancer," said Jadeite.

"You're cancer!" shrieked Galaxia, leaping out of her throne.

"AHHHHH!" cried Jadeite. "Whenever someone like you gets out of their throne, it's bad news! I'm out of here!"

Jed took off on foot, and mashed on the elevator button.

"Hurry up!" he howled.

Galaxia slowly walked towards him, but then the elevator door opened and he hopped in.

"Hey!" shouted Galaxia, picking up speed.

Jadeite slammed the close door button.

The door started to close, and Galaxia threw herself at Jadeite.

But the door closed on her neck and she was no more.

Jadeite howled as her body-less head dropped to the ground.

"This is too much for me!" he cried. "I'm going home!"

He teleported away.

The elevator door opened, and Iron Mouse went to get in.

Then she shrieked at the top of her lungs.

* * *

The Shitennou sat in bandages at their table.

Tin Nyanko walked up.

"What do you want?" said Kunzite.

"I want a seat," said Tin Nyanko.

"Fine, go ahead!" said Kunzite angrily. "I hope you're happy!"

Tin Nyanko sat down, and there was an awkward silence.

"Sorry about the beatdown," said Tin Nyanko.

"Too late for that," said Zoisite who was in a body cast.

Tin Nyanko shrugged. "I told you to stop."

"I tried to run," said Zoisite. "You hunted me down like an animal."

"I've never been good with people," admitted Tin Nyanko. "Especially orange ones."

"What'd you call me?" asked Kunzite.

"No, it's something from my past," said Tin Nyanko. "Honestly, I like it a lot better here than at my old job. That Beryl guy is actually pretty mellow."

"Yes," said Zoisite. "She kind of lets us do what we want. Just don't return to her lair in a mortally wounded state, or she'll take advantage of the moment."

"I know," said Tin Nyanko. "She said something about it earlier."

They sat there for a long time, until the Shitennou finally cooled down.

"Hey," said Nephrite. "I've been wondering. What are these bracelet things?"

"Wait, no," said Tin Nyanko.

"They look uncomfortable," said Nephrite. "Here, I'll help you out!"

Tin Nyanko faded from existence.

"Rip," said Zoisite. "I can't believe you killed Pikachu. Does anyone have a revive?"

"Sorry," said Nephrite. "Only a burn heal."

"Tin Nyanko is unable to battle," said Kunzite sadly.

"I'm home!" howled Jadeite, covered in blood for some unknown reason.

"Welcome back, Jadeite!" said Zoisite giddily. "We missed you!"

"Really?" said Jadeite.

"No," said Zoisite.

"Cruel prank," said Jed.

"Heh heh," said Zoisite.

"Jadeite, it was crazy!" said Nephrite. "You missed Pikachu!"

"Pikachu was actually here?!" asked Jadeite.

"Well, no," said Nephrite. "But it was Pikachu's voice actor, which is pretty much the same thing."

"Aww man," said Jed. "I had the perfect Pokeball for the occasion."

FIN


	179. The Big Man in the Sky

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

Nephrite marched in. "Alright Jed, are you ready to go?"

"Ah, yeah, I forgot we had that planned for today. Goodbye, Beryl. I may never see you again."

"Wait, wait, wait," said Beryl. "Where are you going?"

"Well first I'm going to hell," said Jadeite. "And then I'm going straight to heaven. Farewell."

Jadeite left, leaving Beryl in a state of deep confusion.

* * *

Jadeite met with the other Shitennou in the meeting room.

"I forgot we had this place," said Zoisite.

"So what exactly are we doing again?" asked Kunzite. "I had this date marked on my calendar, but I don't remember why."

"We are going to fight the big man in the sky," reminded Nephrite.

"Huh?" said Kunzite. "That's foolish!"

"Yes," admitted Nephrite. "But there's no other way."

"Yes," agreed Jadeite. "It's time to take on the big G-man himself."

Kenji quietly picked up and left the meeting room. He did not want to be associated with any of this.

"What a coward," said Grandpa, after he left. "Don't worry boys, I'm in it for the long haul."

"You're shaking," said Zoisite.

"No," lied Grandpa, vibrating like a jackhammer.

"There's no need to be worried," said Jadeite. "We are the Great Four, plus Grandpa! We will win this fight for sure! But first we have to make a quick pit-stop in hell."

"You guys go ahead," said Grandpa. "Unfortunately I'm not allowed to step foot in hell anymore."

"Where will you go when you die?" asked Kunzite.

"I won't," laughed Grandpa. "I'll go gather the rest of the team."

* * *

The Shitennou walked through the gates of hell.

"Hey!" yelled the gatekeeper. "I've heard about you boys."

Jadeite threw a punch, ending the gatekeeper.

They entered hell.

Satan instantly appeared in front of them.

"Well, well, well," said Satan. "You guys have a lot of nerve, picking a fight on my turf."

"No, wait," said Kunzite.

But Satan didn't wait and threw a punch.

Kunzite was tossed into a pit of lava.

He climbed out only sustaining minor injuries.

Jadeite shot lightning out of his palm, and Nephrite shot a Starlight Attack.

Satan slapped the moves away with a single slap.

"Wait," repeated Kunzite. "We are here to team with you!"

"Team," pondered Satan. "I'm not quite sure I know what that word means."

"We will work together to take down the big G-man," explained Nephrite.

"What?!" exclaimed Satan. "You're serious?"

"Ye," said the Shitennou.

Satan started to get giddy. "I've waited too LOOOOOOOOOOOOONG for this! Let's go!"

* * *

The Shitennou and Satan met up at Hikawa Shrine.

"Greetings," said Grandpa.

"Hey," said Satan. "I didn't know this fiend would be accompanying us."

"It's the only way," said Kunzite. "We need our most powerful fighters. Speaking of which, Grandpa, did you gather the forces?"

"Yes," said Grandpa, gesturing to a small pack. It consisted of Melvin, Motoki, and Motoki's mom.

"Not even Chad?" asked Zoisite.

"No," said Grandpa shaking his head sadly. "Chad just took off running when I mentioned our plans. He said he didn't want to be associated with this."

"Pathetic," said Kunzite.

"So where are we going again?" asked Melvin. "I hope it's to the fair!"

"Something like that," said Grandpa. "Just get your camera ready and record this whole thing. This is one for the history books."

"I'm ready," said Motoki, cracking his knuckles. "For the record, I'm not fond of any of you guys, especially Zoisite and Satan, but I have to stick it out for personal reasons."

"Let's sock it to 'em!" yelled Motoki's mom.

* * *

The group arrived at the staircase to heaven.

"Don't they have an elevator?" complained Satan.

"They do," said Zoisite. "But I think it would be dangerous to get in."

Just as he said that, a storm started brewing above them.

A lightning bolt shot right at them, but Kunzite put up a forcefield and absorbed it.

"He knows we're coming," said Grandpa grimly. "Let's get a move on."

"Wait, who knows we're coming?" asked Melvin, getting nervous.

They climbed the first step.

"WAIT!" yelled Beryl running over. "What is this, some kind of jamboree?!"

"We're taking on the big man in the sky," explained Jadeite. "You're welcome to join us."

"Mmmmm," said Beryl, thinking it over. "Where's Evil Endymion?"

"I didn't want to ask him," said Kunzite. "But Grandpa insisted we did. However, he ran away and said he did not want to be associated with this."

"D'ah," said Beryl. "Do you think if I tagged along and we pulled this off he would respect me?"

"Yes," lied Kunzite.

"Alright," decided Beryl. "Just let me get my portable ball."

They waited patiently while Beryl retrieved her portable ball.

Kunzite had to block many lightning bolts.

Beryl finally returned with her staff thing.

"Let's go," she said.

They began the long climb to heaven.

About 20 feet up, they looked down to see a giant wave crashing at the bottom of the steps.

"Spooky," said Motoki. "We're not even near water."

They continued for a long time.

Many hours passed.

"I can't wait to see what heaven looks like," said Jadeite. "I could have never dreamed of setting foot here."

"Wait," said Melvin, skidding to a halt. "Are you planning what I think you're planning!?"

"Yes," said Jadeite.

"I don't want to be associated with this!" cried Melvin, legging it down the steps.

"Goodbye," said Nephrite. "You weren't useful anyway."

Melvin only made it a couple steps before the bottom of the staircase was zapped by lightning and exploded.

With no way down, he was forced to continue onward, shivering like a leaf.

* * *

The pack reached the Golden Gates.

Jadeite ran up and tried to yank them open.

"It won't budge," he said.

"Step aside," said Satan.

He summoned his pitch fork, and swung it like an axe, ending the Golden Gates.

They marched straight into heaven.

There were a bunch of angels hanging around, but they instantly fled at the sight of Satan and his oddball crew barging through heaven.

"Stop it right there!" yelled Queen Serenity's angel.

"Hey I remember you," said Kunzite. "And I have a bone to pick with you!"

Kunzite socked angel Serenity in the face, and she collapsed to the ground.

"There's no Silver Crystal here," reminded Kunzite, putting her to rest once more.

"Heh heh," said Beryl. "I wonder where people go when they die in heaven."

"Hell," explained Satan.

"Good, good!" cheered Beryl. "We'll have to pay her another visit later, if we make it out of this one. Which I'm pretty sure we won't."

"Hey, don't talk like that," said Jadeite optimistically. "Probably at least one of us will be able to escape."

"I hope it's me," said Zoisite.

"I'll make sure it's not Melvin," swore Nephrite. "Even if I have to take him down myself."

Melvin started to sob, knowing his life was over.

"Hey," said Grandpa. "Are you taking pictures?"

"Yes," sobbed Melvin. "But I don't have any Wi-Fi up here, so I can't upload them."

Grandpa frowned. "Toss the camera down to Earth before you drop dead."

"Will do," agreed Melvin.

They reached a door, and sensed a strong presence on the other side.

"Don't be fooled," said Satan. "He's only suppressing his power level. It goes much higher."

Kunzite gulped. "Whelp, let's do this everyone."

They swung open the doors, and inside was the big man himself.

"I've been expecting you," said Big G.

"Who created you, great beast?" asked Melvin.

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Beryl, spawning a giant crystal over her head. She threw it at the creator.

He caught it between his fingers.

"Yikes," said Kunzite.

Jadeite shot lightning out of his palms, catching the beast off-guard.

It didn't physically damage him, but it created a big cloud of smoke from the explosion.

Grandpa transformed into a cross-eyed lobster, and threw himself with all he had.

He was lost in the smoke, and everyone could only assume what happened.

"Are you gonna stand there or are you gonna fight?" Kunzite shouted at the big man.

He spawned his boomerangs, but before he could throw them, Grandpa was tossed out of the smoke.

He landed on his feet, but then toppled over.

Satan powered up.

"I've waited too LOOOOOOOONG for this!" he repeated. "AHHHHHHHH!"

He charged with his pitchfork, and began exchanging blows at top speeds.

Their scrap was so powerful that space and time itself were being destroyed around them.

"Are you getting all this, Melvin?" asked Jadeite.

Melvin was shaking in his boots, so he wasn't able to answer.

"Stop that," said Jed. "Steady the camera."

Kunzite closed his eyes and focused on where the battle was taking place.

Finally, he sensed the perfect opening, and threw his boomerangs at top speeds.

The big man stopped in his place and leapt out of the way. While in mid-air, he extended his hand, and shot lightning out of his palm.

"Hey!" yelled Jadeite.

But suddenly there was a blinding light, and Kunzite tried to put up his forcefield to block.

Unfortunately, it wasn't strong enough, and Kunzite was ended.

When the light dimmed, all that remained of Kunzite was his boots.

Satan swung his pitchfork, but his opponent blocked with his arm, and threw a powerful kick, tossing Satan.

Grandpa suddenly appeared behind the Big G, and threw an overhead mallet punch, catching the Big G off-guard.

The Big G turned around, and grabbed Grandpa with his giant hand.

Grandpa tried to struggle free, but the big man was intent on crushing him to death in his palm.

Right when Grandpa thought he was history, Satan appeared right next to him and swung down his pitchfork right at the big man's arm, causing him to drop Grandpa to the ground.

The creator clenched his arm and threw a backhand, tossing Satan far away.

Grandpa scurried back to the others, and they all grouped up, knowing they had to defend themselves until Satan returned.

"Now's my chance!" yelled Beryl.

She pulled out a jar.

"What's in there?" asked Jadeite.

"Metalia," explained Beryl. "I will fuse with her and take on the almighty."

"No way!" said Nephrite. "Let me fuse with Metalia. I'm much stronger than you!"

"Proof?" said Beryl. "I have better feats. I took out THE Jadeite and THE Zoisite."

"When they were weakened," said Nephrite.

"Sorry," said Beryl. "It's not happening."

"Come on!" pleaded Nephrite. "I've never tried it before, I just want to know what it feels like!"

"Sorry," said Beryl. "My mind is set."

She opened the jar and fused with Metalia.

"AHHHHHHH!" howled the beast.

Super Beryl fired a dark energy attack, but the almighty swatted it away with little effort.

Super Beryl charged, and locked arms with the beast.

"Go Beryl!" cheered Jadeite.

"She doesn't stand a chance," said Zoisite sadly. "Super Beryl doesn't even come up to 25% of Satan."

Right on cue, the big man threw a kick so powerful that Beryl and Metalia were separated.

Beryl fell to the ground and died, but since Metalia was more gas than solid, she survived the fall.

She screeched and threw herself at the creator.

The creator summoned a tornado and swept away the gaseous behemoth, and she was never seen again.

All the others leapt out of the way of the tornado, except for Motoki who got caught right in the middle.

He was torn to shreds.

"NOOOO!" howled Motoki's mom. She ran up and threw a punch, but the big man threw a chop, tossing her out of commission.

She suffered inhuman pain and they all looked away sadly as she howled for mercy.

Grandpa went to charge again, but suddenly Satan reappeared and delivered a critical stab with the pitchfork.

"Ack!" yelled the creator.

Satan pushed the pitchfork deeper into his back.

The creator tried to reach it, but unfortunately it was in a spot on his back he couldn't reach.

Grandpa took this opportunity to throw himself again, but the almighty was ready, and threw a backhand, instantly obliterating Grandpa and his granddaughter Rei.

Satan threw a leaping kick, and the big man stumbled back.

Jadeite, Nephrite, and Zoisite shot a combined attack, but all it did was anger the beast, and failed to topple him as they had hoped.

He regained his balance, and shot a lightning beam right at the three remaining Shitennou.

Nephrite leapt into the air, and threw himself at the attack, taking 100% of the damage before it could reach the other two Shitennou.

"Drat," said Jadeite.

Nephrite was no more.

"Odd guy," said Zoisite. "I would have just let it hit all of us."

"He was a true hero," said Jadeite. "We have to avenge him!"

"I'm good," said Zoisite. "I'm just going to see how this pans out. Hey Melvin, are you still filming?"

Melvin was laying there dead. They were not sure if he had been taken down in some of the crossfire, or if he had had a heart attack.

"All Nephrite did was delay the inevitable," chuckled the almighty.

He charged up another lightning bolt, but Satan ran in and threw a sock.

The man in the sky retaliated with a swift elbow, sending Satan straight into the ground.

"I've had enough of you, Satan!" yelled the omniscient. He threw an overhead mallet punch into the ground, instantly ending heaven and sending everyone spiraling to the ground.

Satan landed on the sharp tip of a mountain and got impaled and died.

Jadeite and Zoisite luckily landed in the water. They swam to the surface.

"Are we safe?" asked Zoisite.

"Not exactly," said Jed. "I feel his power nearby."

"What do we do?" asked Zoisite.

"Let's try to run to hell," said Jadeite. "I don't think he can reach us there!"

They started legging it towards the gates of hell, but they only made it 10 feet before the big man appeared in front of them.

Zoisite fell back in shock.

Jadeite readied himself.

"This is the end," said the big man.

But when all hope looked lost, Motoki's mom leapt out of a river at incredible speed, almost humanly impossible for someone that had that many broken bones.

The G man flicked her away, and she fell into a tree and crumpled to the ground.

"A determined one, she is," he said. "It is no matter."

Jadeite was just about to lose hope, when he spotted a plane flying in the sky.

"Aha!" said Jadeite. He thought hard, and took control of the plane.

He shot it directly at the big man's neck.

Kenji was one of the 200 passengers aboard the plane. He was sitting next to Shingo.

"I'm glad I didn't involve myself with those guys' tom-foolery," he told Shingo.

Then the plane blew up.

"Have I wounded him?" wondered Jadeite.

"No," said Zoisite sadly. "His power level didn't drop at all and is still exponentially increasing."

Jadeite got down on his hands and knees.

"What a big mistake we've made," he said. "We should have been more prepared, instead of just charging in blindly!"

"Goodbye, Jadeite," said Zoisite. "I won't go down without a slight disruption."

He charged up his all-powerful fire attack, and he honestly didn't think he'd have the time to do it.

But a miracle happened and he was granted enough time.

He threw the fire at max power straight into the G man's spine.

He didn't even wait for the attack to finish before he sighed. "I know this won't work," he said. "It didn't even work on Sailor Moon."

Zoisite leapt up onto the almighty's neck, and held on for dear life.

"I'll be coming to join you real soon, Kunzite!" he called out.

Then he lit up and combusted with a self-sacrifice attack.

The big man wiped the dust off his face and cracked his knuckles.

Jadeite took his own life as the fist came down.

"That's the end of that," said the almighty. "Time to rebuild heaven."

But suddenly, he heard a grunt, and his eyes widened.

Beside the tree, Motoki's mom slowly got to her feet.

"I-impossible!" thought the great one. "Every single one of her bones has to be broken, but here she is standing! That determination!"

He took a step back in fear.

"I'm not done with you yet!" howled Motoki's mom, spitting blood. "I will kill you!"

She charged with all she had, and the great one took her down.

"Wow," he said still panting. "She was really determined."

* * *

Everyone woke up in hell, including Satan.

"That was a wallop," said Kunzite, who had been waiting for the rest of them to show up for quite some time.

"I should have never associated with this," groaned Motoki. "Now I'm in hell, for how long!? I was a good guy! I just made one error right before my death!"

"Thanks a lot, Jadeite," whined Kenji. "Did you have to use our plane?"

"Sadly there was no other option," said Jadeite. "I almost did some damage. Hey, where's Shingo?"

"I didn't let him come with me to hell," said Kenji. "He's in limbo."

"Sad," said Zoisite.

"I can't believe I took that blast and then you guys didn't win," said Nephrite.

"We were the only ones left," said Jadeite. "Except for Satan and Mama Motoki. But you should have known that Satan didn't stand a chance."

"Hey now," said Satan. "If it was the best day of all our lives I think we could have pulled a win. Especially if we had coordinated or planned first."

"Ah, that's what we forgot to do," said Kunzite.

That's when the big G man himself appeared.

"When will it end?!" cried Zoisite.

Motoki charged with a suckerpunch, and Grandpa transformed.

Satan summoned another pitchfork, and Beryl fused with Metalia.

"Oh brother," groaned Nephrite.

FIN


	180. The Expedition

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Jadeite, rally the forces, we're going to Walmart!" howled Beryl.

"Uh, do they have those in Japan, m'queen?" asked Jadeite.

"Yes," said Beryl. "It's our lucky day."

She left it at that.

"Now where are the forces?" demanded Beryl.

"Why do we need forces?" asked Jed.

"You'll have to protect your queen there," explained Beryl. "It's not often I go out in public."

"I can protect you, my queen," said Jadeite.

"No," said Beryl sadly. "You almost got defeated by Tuxedo Mask."

"Wrong," said Jadeite. "It was quite the curbstomp. Zoisite almost got defeated by Tuxedo Mask though."

"Wrong," said Zoisite appearing with the rest of the forces. "It was quite the curbstomp."

"Yes, on you," said Jadeite.

"You wanna go?" said Zoisite.

"Okay," shrugged Jadeite.

"Just give me some prep time," said Zoisite. "A couple years will do."

"Fine then," said Jadeite. "We can't have a fight without prep time."

"Zoisite is a tactical fighter," commented Kunzite. "The batman of the Sailor Moon universe."

"I wouldn't go that far," said Nephrite.

"Let's go boys," insisted Beryl, marching out the door.

They walked out into the North Pole.

"This isn't good," said Beryl.

She put them all in a red ball and took off to the Walmart.

"I can do that too," said Zoisite.

"Yes," said Queen Beryl. "But mine's stronger."

"I could beat you with some prep time," threatened Zoisite.

"There's no prep time in the real world," replied Beryl.

"Wrong," said Zoisite. "I defeated Nephrite with prep time."

"Can we talk about something else?" said Jadeite. "Does anyone have any money? And why are we here?"

"I have money," explained Beryl. "And we're here because I need some snacks in the Negapantry. Last night I got up for a midnight snack and it lasted until a 2am snack. When I got up for my 4am snack, there was nothing left."

"Sad," commented Jadeite.

"You never defeated me Zoisite," said Nephrite out of the blue. "You just got a lucky batch of Youmas. Like that clown who defeated the Amazon Trio."

"I don't know who that is," said Zoisite sadly. "But I did in fact defeat you and it was in fact because of prep time."

"No," said Nephrite. "Naru-chan was slowing me down. She almost got me hit by the Moon Tiara, which I can catch in second, judging by the fact that Jadeite caught one rather easily."

"Sorry," said Jadeite. "You can't compare my feats and use them as yours."

"I most certainly can!" argued Nephrite. "I'm better than you in every way!"

"Can you move planes with your mind?" asked Jadeite.

"Uh, yes, since you can," said Nephrite.

"No making assumptions on this thread," retorted Jadeite.

"I can drain the whole city of power," stated Kunzite randomly.

"Off topic," said Nephrite. "This is between me and Zoisite."

"No, you let Jadeite go for too long," said Zoisite. "Now Jadeite's become a part of this."

"You can't even defeat rats," said Nephrite. "And you fought crows to a standstill."

"Proof that you are weaker than rats," stated Zoisite.

"Feats don't work like that!" yelled Nephrite.

"A power level doesn't necessarily mean someone is better," commented Jadeite.

"It does!" howled Nephrite. "I would like to bring up the Amazon Trio incident. The Amazon Trio clearly had more skill."

"That was Plot Induced Stupidity (PIS)," replied Zoisite. "That negates the battle."

The red ball finally landed in front of the store.

"We are here," said Beryl. "And that was unbearable. The next time you can all commute here on your own."

"Let's all carpool, so we can continue this conversation!" suggested Jadeite.

* * *

The Shitennou and Beryl entered the Walmart.

"Mmmmmm," said Beryl, admiring the air condition. "It's nice to feel cool air, and not from the Arctic."

Beryl hopped on a motorized shopping cart.

"What are you doing?" asked Kunzite.

"What does it look like?" said Beryl. "I'm shopping in style."

"But Beryl," said Kunzite. "Those are reserved for people who cannot walk."

"I cannot walk," stated Beryl.

"That's right," said Nephrite. "I have never seen Beryl stand up in my life. Except in the Silver Millennium, but I guess her legs have stopped working since then."

"No," argued Kunzite. "She is definitely able to stand on her feet, and maybe even walk!"

"Not true," replied Nephrite. "I know I would have saw her stand at least once if that were the case. But I never have."

"Me neither," added Jadeite.

"Yes you have," said Beryl.

"I don't count that time from episode 12 when you were poorly drawn," said Jadeite sadly. "I consider that non-canon because of the poor animation quality. You were like, huge, and blended into the ground. That can't be right. Your face was drawn so much better in the episode after."

"Does it count as standing if she's blended into the ground?" asked Kunzite.

"No," said Nephrite.

"Beryl is handicapped for sure," said Zoisite. "I don't think I've ever seen her stand before. Wait… there was that one time. Huh, I guess she can use her feet. But only to stand in place."

"Wait, when was this?" said Kunzite. "I've seen Beryl stand a couple times in Metalia's chamber, but I don't think any time when you were around."

"It was when she was telling me not to kill Tuxedo Mask," said Zoisite. "I was so thrown off that I didn't really listen to what she was saying."

"Silence!" howled Beryl. "Alright, I can walk, but I just choose not to. So move out of my way!"

Beryl backed her cart into Jadeite, knocking him to the floor, and then sped away.

"You're embarrassing us!" called Kunzite.

The Shitennou waited quietly by the carts.

Then Jadeite hopped on one.

Everyone gasped.

"Jadeite!" exclaimed Zoisite. "That's a dangerous move!"

"Yeah," said Nephrite. "The clerks just saw you walking fine!"

"It's okay," said Jadeite. "There's no written rule, so if they call me out I'll just say I didn't know."

Kunzite sat down on a cart. "Mmm," he said.

Nephrite and Zoisite looked at each other.

They waited a long time.

Then Nephrite threw himself on a cart. "How do I back this thing up?" he asked slamming it into Jadeite's cart.

"Tilt the handle the other way," explained Jadeite.

Nephrite slammed into him again.

"That didn't work," he said.

"No," said Jadeite. "The other way."

"Oh," said Nephrite. He backed up and tossed Zoisite to the floor.

Zoisite threw himself on a cart.

"I can get used to this," he said.

"Let's roll out, boys!" said Kunzite taking off at a moderate speed.

The Shitennou followed suit.

* * *

Beryl drove her cart to the soup aisle and was loading tomato bisques into her basket.

She heard the loud beep that could only belong to a motorized cart backing up, and turned around nervously.

There were all the Shitennou trailing behind her as an automated cart fleet.

"What is this?!" demanded Beryl. "You're not handicapped!"

"You're not handicapped," argued Jadeite. "At least according to some of the Shitennou. I wouldn't know."

"Back off!" shouted Beryl. "You're causing too much attention! One person might be able to slip by, but five, no way!"

"Sorry," apologized Nephrite. "But there's no other way. The cart life is not one that you can give up."

"We'll just say it's a hereditary disease, and we all have it," decided Jadeite.

"You ain't my kids!" yelled Beryl. "Scram!"

Beryl darted away, but the Shitennou followed her in a single file line at the exact same speed.

"Back off!" shouted Beryl.

She tried to lose them by swerving left and right, but the Shitennou were able to keep up.

She took a sharp turn down the cat food aisle, but the Shitennou were on her tail.

"Just give up, my queen!" called Kunzite.

Beryl did two laps around the store but then gave up and let them follow her.

"Just don't draw attention," resigned Beryl.

"Will do," promised the boys.

Beryl turned into the cereal aisle with her armada.

They quickly got in a V formation behind her, and everyone had to clear the aisle.

Beryl parked her vehicle in front of the different flavored Captain Crunches.

"Hmmmmmmmmmm," she said, thinking for a long time.

The Shitennou waited patiently.

She finally settled on "Oops, All Berries!" and drove up two paces ahead.

All the Shitennou followed her then stopped.

Beryl was now deciding between the flavors of Fruity Pebbles, and was having a very hard time.

After five minutes she finally decided to not get any and drove down to the next aisle.

She parked her vehicle by the crackers, and the Shitennou waited patiently behind her.

Someone was coming down the aisle, but there was a blockade.

"Excuse me," asked Ms. Haruna kindly.

"Uh," said Nephrite. "Hang on. You might wanna take a couple steps back."

"Uh, okay," said Ms. Haruna.

Nephrite started the long process of doing a K-turn on his cart.

"Hey!" yelled Kunzite. "Watch where you're swinging that thing!"

"Stop bumping into me!" yelled Zoisite.

"I wanna get out too," said Jadeite. He moved forward and backward but was blocked on both sides, so he had to do a full 360 very very slowly, by holding his steering wheel all the way to the left.

Kunzite tried to make his move out of the way after Nephrite escaped.

"No," said Jadeite. "I'm next to leave!"

"Shut up!" yelled Kunzite. "I'm in the front and you're in the middle!"

Kunzite turned his cart but was too close to the aisle and was permanently jammed between Zoisite's cart and the aisle.

"Zoisite, back up!" yelled Kunzite.

Zoisite backed up and bumped into Beryl.

Kunzite was finally able to get out after ten violent halts.

Zoisite held down the back position and slowly backed up while looking behind him.

"That beeper's so loud!" yelled Beryl. "Turn it off!"

"I can't," said Zoisite sadly.

Ms. Haruna had to leap out of the way as Zoisite backed up.

"Err, nevermind," said Ms. Haruna. "I see this is too much hassle. I'll just come from the other end of the aisle."

"No, wait!" cried Jadeite, doing a full 360. "Look, your path is clear now!"

But she was already gone.

"Drat," said Jadeite.

He did another 360 and parked right behind Beryl again.

Everyone moved back into their positions.

Right as they finally got things back on track, Beryl took off.

"Come back!" yelled Jadeite.

They all followed her.

"Ugh!" groaned Beryl loudly. "You're making every single person in the store hop out of the way!"

"They'd have to do that anyway if it was just you," argued Jadeite.

"No," said Beryl. "They wouldn't have to clear the whole aisle."

Beryl parked again, and the Shitennou were getting antsy.

"I wanna get back on the road!" howled Jadeite.

They sat there for five full minutes as Beryl picked out frozen meals.

Jadeite started banging the horn, which was the same sound as the backing up sound.

"Shut up!" yelled Beryl.

Jadeite waited for five seconds and then started clicking it again.

Everyone else joined it.

After a minute, they got their beeps synchronized and were beeping in the same rhythm of the backing up sound, but times four.

"SHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT UP!" howled Beryl. "I'm getting mac and cheese!"

"No, you were getting mac and cheese five minutes ago," said Kunzite. "Now you're just sitting there."

They all held down their horn button, and apparently it can go on forever.

"ENOUGH!" screamed Beryl.

They all went quiet, but Nephrite's hand hovered hesitantly over the horn.

Zoisite got a little giddy and pressed the horn once.

"If you don't stop," said Beryl with pure anger in her tone. "We will go home with no snacks."

"Please, no!" said Jadeite.

"Then go annoy someone else!" yelled Beryl.

"Good idea," said Nephrite.

They all backed up, and after five minutes they were speeding through the store.

"I feel so free!" said Nephrite. "Like we're no longer tied to a chain!"

"We can go anywhere!" said Zoisite.

"OoOoooooooooooo," said Jadeite suddenly. "Everyone, stop!"

Everyone jerked to a stop.

"On my mark, let's race to the toy section! Whoever wins gets to be line leader!"

"You're on!" said Nephrite.

"Ready, set…"

Kunzite took off.

"Hey!" said Jadeite. "I didn't say go!"

Kunzite backed up angrily. "Idiot," he said under his breath.

"Ready, set…"

They waited.

"GOOOOOOOOOOO!" howled Jadeite.

The Shitennou took off at equal speed.

It was a straight line to the toy section, so it could go either way.

Nephrite was continuously snaking his cart back and forth, hoping to gain some velocity.

But there was none to be gained, and they continued at equal speeds.

"How will I gain the upper hand?" they all wondered.

Jadeite suddenly took a sharp turn into the clothing section to get a shortcut.

"That's dangerous," noted Kunzite. "But the only way to win now!"

They all zipped into the clothing section.

"Watch out!" Zoisite warned.

But it was too late, and Jadeite got caught between two clothes racks because the paths were very thin.

"NOOOOOOO!" said Jadeite. He knew it was over so he decided to go somewhere else.

"It's neck and neck!" announced Kunzite.

Zoisite was .5 inches in the lead, possibly due to a slight manufacturing defect in the others' carts.

As they passed through the produce section, he grabbed a banana, and threw it on the ground in front of Nephrite's cart.

But it just missed his tires, and he kept going.

"Drat," said Zoisite. "I've seen that work in videogames."

Nephrite and Kunzite were evenly tied, so Kunzite started bumping Nephrite.

"Careful," said Nephrite. "You might start to lag behind if you do that!"

"Lies!" said Kunzite, slamming him again.

They neared the toy section, and a large crate of balls was sitting in front of the section.

Zoisite pulled some tricky maneuvers, and nabbed one of the huge balls, tossing it backwards at Nephrite.

It came flying his way, but Nephrite was smarter than that.

He timed the ball's bounces with incredible precision, and stopped his cart at the right moment so the ball bounced over his head.

Kunzite was a couple inches in front of him now due to the stop, so Nephrite reached out a hand, and pulled him back.

"NO!" said Kunzite. "That's cheating!"

"There's no rules in Walmart cart racing!" reminded Nephrite.

Zoisite was now a couple inches in the lead, but Nephrite started reaching for him.

"Stay back, you fiend!" yelled Zoisite.

But Nephrite snagged him and pulled him back, causing them to all be at equal distance.

Zoisite was furious, so he swerved to the left, pulling Nephrite with him.

"NOO!" yelled Nephrite. "What are you doing?! You've doomed us both!"

"It's the only way," said Zoisite. "Kunzite will have to be the winner."

"NOOOOO!" yelled Nephrite.

But there was nothing he could do.

Kunzite was out of his arm's reach, and they were going at equal speed.

"I win!" cheered Kunzite in the home stretch.

"Wrong," said Jadeite who was waiting there for them at the toy section.

"NO!" said Kunzite. "You cheated!"

"Wrong," said Jadeite. "I just found a shortcut."

"There are no shortcuts!" said Kunzite. "We went in a perfect diagonal line!"

"Yes," said Jadeite. "But you missed the speed boosts."

"He just picked his cart up and carried it over," stated Nephrite. "I knew we should have kept our eyes on him."

"Jadeite is a wild card," said Kunzite. "But since there are no rules in cart racing he won fair and square."

"Heh heh," said Jadeite. "Now I get to lead the way! Everyone follow my lead!"

Jadeite took off and the others were forced to follow as a unit.

* * *

Motoki stood in the popcorn aisle.

"Should I get double butter or ultra butter?" he said out loud.

That's when Jadeite came plowing towards him in a motorized cart.

"Slow down there!" called Motoki. "You might hurt someone!"

But Jadeite didn't stop, and aimed for the poor man.

When he was inches away, Motoki realized that he was in peril, and took off down the aisle, barely able to run faster than the cart.

Jadeite kept on him, so Motoki had to dash and try to escape the aisle.

Motoki knew there was only one way out, since if he tried to let Jadeite pass him, Jadeite would swerve into him and end his life.

"Almost there!" panted Motoki.

But that's when Zoisite and Nephrite drove their carts into each other at the aisle's only possible opening, closing like a door and forming an impenetrable wall.

Motoki turned around and saw Jadeite closing in, only inches away.

With no choice left, he tried to throw himself into the metal monster.

It was in vain.

Motoki was ended.

Jadeite started the long process of a K-turn and everyone cheered.

"Good work," said Kunzite who was spectating the spectacle. "You have proven yourself as one of the great four."

"Who should we run down next?" asked Zoisite.

"Let's kill a worker!" offered Nephrite.

"Too dangerous," said Kunzite. "They know all the strengths and weaknesses of the carts. Maybe after some more practice we can work up to them."

"Fine," said Nephrite. "Let's go kill that lady from earlier, since she made us get out of position for no reason."

Everyone nodded.

They split off and searched the store.

After a few minutes, they heard the loud sound of the cart's horn from the electronics section, and everyone flocked there.

"Here she is," said Jadeite.

Ms. Haruna was playing with the sample iPhones, when suddenly Jadeite and Zoisite started charging right for her from both sides.

"NO!" cried Ms. Haruna. "Stay back!"

But there was nowhere to run and nowhere to hide.

She tried to scale the aisle, but Jadeite closed in on her and grabbed her leg. He threw her to the ground, and they finished her off like a pack of coyotes.

They spotted their next target, Gamer Joe, who stood at a four-way intersection looking at Nintendo Switch games.

Jadeite flew right at him, and he started running. But Zoisite and Nephrite came from the other sides, and finally Kunzite came in from the last opening when Gamer Joe tried to run that way.

Gamer Joe was confident in his strength, however, so he started pushing Kunzite's cart back.

Kunzite held down the forward button but Gamer Joe was too strong.

However, there was no way that Gamer Joe could make it out fast enough with Kunzite fighting back.

Soon the other three came in and ended him.

"Separately, our carts can be matched," said Kunzite. "But as a team, no one can defeat us."

They cruised on until they found their next victim.

"I'm going to enjoy this one," said Kunzite, eyeing Kenji and his boy.

Kenji had his glasses off to examine medicine labels, and when he put them back on, he saw that there was a wall of carts on both sides of the aisle.

Nephrite honked his horn intimidatingly.

Kenji shook his head sadly. "It's over, Shingo," he said. "I knew Walmart was dangerous."

"No, Papa! We gotta fight on!" said Shingo.

"There's no other way," said Kenji, knowing as well as anyone else how strong the carts are.

"Hey," said Kunzite. "We can always use another cart in the fleet. Kill the boy and join us, and we'll spare your life."

Shingo looked at his dad sadly. "Surely you wouldn't," he said.

"Sorry, boy," said Kenji.

Kunzite and Jadeite turned their carts, leaving an opening, and Kenji ran through.

"I hope he's going to get help," thought Shingo.

But then Kenji returned on a cart, and Shingo knew it was over.

"I won't go down without a fight!" he howled.

Jadeite got ready to end Shingo, but Kenji put his arm on his shoulder.

"Let me do it," he said. "He's my boy."

Shingo started to panic, and increased his speed and agility stats.

He leapt halfway up the aisle, and kicked off, leaping over Zoisite. He took off running.

But Zoisite started backing up.

Shingo was running at top speeds, but he heard the beeping of the reversing cart getting increasingly louder.

"After him!" yelled Kunzite, and all the carts split up.

Shingo was running towards the exit when Kunzite appeared from out of an aisle, blocking Shingo's path.

Shingo ran down the aisle closest to him. He got to the end of the aisle, but there were three carts in the way.

He saw a small opening in their formation, and pushed his speed stat to the limit.

He darted through the opening at light speed, and took off running down towards the opposite end of the store.

He ran down many different aisles to try and lose them, but there was five of them so they were able to out-maneuver him.

He soon found himself cornered, and all five of them were closing in on him.

"Just give it up, young one," said Kenji.

"The life of a flower is short and full of suffering," said Jadeite.

"Shingo is a candle flickering in the wind," said Zoisite.

Shingo knew it was over, but he still had to try.

He leapt into the air, and kicked off of someone's cart, flying over their heads.

Jadeite backed up slightly, and Shingo didn't leap far enough to counter this.

The cart lightly scraped him as he fell to the floor, but his defense stat was so low from boosting his speed stat that he dropped dead.

"Tis a pity," said Kenji. "Now let's go kill that nerdboy."

"You mean Melvin?" asked Nephrite. "He's here?"

Nephrite started to catch a giddy.

"Yes," said Kenji. "But he's not alone. I saw him and his clan ending someone with mobile carts in the same manner that you all have been."

"It's okay," said Nephrite. "We're the best at this game."

* * *

Melvin, flanked by Greg and Motoki's sister, closed in on Yaten base.

"AHHH!" screamed Yaten as his life slipped away.

"Easy," said Melvin. "When will we get a challenge?"

All three of them pulled a group 360 with great precision, but at the end of the aisle sat Jadeite and his gang.

"It's over," said Jadeite.

"I'll take you to hell!" shouted Nephrite.

"Ha!" yelled Melvin. "You don't scare me none! Sick 'em, boys!"

Greg and Motoki's sister charged in front of Melvin.

Jadeite employed Zoisite and Nephrite, and they crashed into the dynamic duo.

Both sides were holding down the accel button, and they fought each other to a standstill.

Melvin instantly started backing up, but Jadeite became aware of this because of the loud beep.

"Don't let him get reinforcements!" said Jadeite.

Jadeite and Kenji instantly charged after Melvin, while Kunzite split off to try and out-maneuver him.

Melvin was no beginner to the way of the cart, and performed excellent maneuvers, going through the clothes section with no sweat.

He threw down two racks of clothes, and Jadeite and Kenji could not proceed and had to go around.

"Heh heh," chuckled Melvin, but they couldn't tell where his voice was coming from.

"This should buy me enough time to get reinforcements!" thought Melvin.

He took a turn down the detergent aisle at the corner of the store where no one would look.

"I should be safe here," he said sliding down the aisle.

That's when out of nowhere Kunzite soared in on an airborne cart.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" shrieked Melvin. "Spare me!"

But Kunzite was already flying directly at him.

Melvin got socked by the wheel, sending him flying off his cart.

He tried to take off running on foot, but his mistake was going into the corner of the store.

He reached a dead end and Kunzite zipped at him.

Melvin noted Jadeite and Kenji also entering the aisle.

With no cart, and nowhere to run, Melvin grabbed a plunger and took his own life to take the joy out of the kill.

"Drat," said Kunzite. "At least he's ended."

That's when Zoisite and Nephrite arrived too.

"We defeated them," said Nephrite.

"How?" asked Kunzite.

"We pushed them off their carts with our arms and ran them down."

"Good work," said Kunzite.

"Ahem," said a voice.

They all turned around, and were shocked to see that they were surrounded by some 200 workers.

"Uh, what's up?" said Nephrite.

"You're not supposed to be on those carts," said a worker.

"Uh, yeah we are," said Jadeite. "There's no written rule. And also we're handicapped. It's a hereditary disorder."

The workers just shook their heads sadly.

"You have been using your carts for evil," the workers shouted. "They are meant to help those in need, but you just go around killing people!"

"Wrong," said Zoisite. "People don't kill people, guns kill people. And the same goes for carts. They are a dangerous weapon, and shouldn't be for public use."

"Sadly," said the worker. "We're going to have to remove you from the carts."

Several of them cracked their knuckles, and did similar warm-ups.

"Yeah right," said Kunzite with an evil grin. "You're forgetting one thing."

"Oh yeah?" challenged the store owner.

"Yes," said Kunzite. "We are on the carts. Quick guys, battle formation!"

The Shitennou and Kenji got in the perfect five-cart-wide wall that was impassable and filled every inch of the aisle.

Then, they all took off at top speeds, while holding down their horns as some sort of battle cry.

"NOOOO!" yelled the manager.

But it was too late.

They plowed through the workers by the hundreds. .

Once they got out of the end of the aisle, they were in an opening, and several dozen workers who had survived the onslaught quickly surrounded them.

"Everyone, stay back to back, and watch each other's backs as well!" commanded Kunzite.

"Right!" agreed everyone.

Zoisite was the first to charge, and swung his cart in an arc, taking down everyone in front of him.

Kenji singled specific strong-looking workers out and chased them down until they were ended, then moving onto the next one.

Jadeite and Nephrite pulled off powerful combo attacks, closing in on dozens of workers at once.

Kunzite stayed in the back lines, observing his surroundings and making sure no one escaped.

That's when someone leapt right at him, but he quickly backed up.

They grabbed onto his front basket, however, while still on the ground, and hung on for dear life.

Kunzite tilted his steering wheel all the way to the left, spinning his cart with such velocity that the worker was flung to the other side of the store and exploded.

Jadeite took off down an aisle, and to the foolish workers, it looked as though he was fleeing.

50 charged after him, and the second Jadeite exited the aisle, Nephrite rammed the aisle from the side, toppling it and crushing all 50 workers, except for one that slipped out.

But Jadeite quickly ended that one.

Soon all the workers were ended.

"Good work, gang," said Kunzite. "We really are the best."

"We should celebrate!" agreed Kenji. "This is the most fun I've ever had!"

"That's good," said Nephrite in an ominous tone. "Hey, Kenji, can you grab that jar of olives on the bottom row for me? I can't reach it in my cart."

"Uh, sure," said Kenji, foolishly getting off his cart.

Zoisite shook his head sadly. "A true warrior never gets off his cart."

"Wait, no!" cried Kenji. "What is this?! I helped you! I killed my own son!"

"Sadly four is just a better number," said Kunzite.

They ran down Kenji and ended his story with a bad ending.

"Tis a pity," said Zoisite.

"He won't be missed," said Jadeite.

"Is everyone in the store dead yet?" asked Nephrite. "We can't leave until they are."

They split up to look for any survivors.

After a few minutes of searching, they were about to close this chapter of their adventure.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" they heard Jadeite scream from the other side of the store. It was followed by several beeps from his cart.

Everyone quickly sped over, only to see Jadeite being chased by four Mamoru Chibas on carts.

"Help!" howled Jadeite. He quickly hid behind the others, and the four Mamorus came to a standstill.

"They tried to out-maneuver me!" said Jadeite. "But I'm just too swift."

"Well, well, well," said base Mamoru Chiba.

"Oh, you again," said Zoisite. "If it isn't the Mamoru Quartet."

It was the Mamoru Quartet. They consisted of Mamoru Chiba base, Tuxedo Mask, Prince Endymion, and none other than the Moonlight Knight, also known as the Shiek of Baghdad.

"It is over," said the Moonlight Knight, in an Islamic accent.

"Over for you!" yelled Kunzite.

"We will defeat you!" said Nephrite.

"You use humans to do your dirty work," said all four of the Mamorus in unison.

"Ack!" yelled Kunzite. "He's right! But we'll still win!"

Everyone started revving up their carts for a huge scrap, but Zoisite knew that it could go either way as it was a 4v4 and the carts were of equal power.

"Wait," said Zoisite. "Enough of this cart nonsense. Let's all get out and settle this like men. A fair 4v4 battle."

"Hmmmm," said Mamoru Chiba base. "I'm not much of a fighter."

"It's okay," said the confident Tuxedo Mask. "I can take Jadeite and Zoisite in my sleep!"

"I heard you got curbstomped by Jadeite," said Nephrite. "Is this true?"

"Wrong," said Endymion. "It could have gone either way depending on the weather and what I ate that morning. Also, I defeated Sailor Jupiter with my Nega power-up, so I'm not scared of anyone!"

The Moonlight Knight shouted something terrifying in Islamic.

"Well, are we doing this?" asked Zoisite. "Let's all get out of the carts and meet in the middle for the duel."

Zoisite stood up. "See look, easy! Your turn!"

Jadeite and Nephrite got out too.

"What about Kunzite?" asked Mamoru.

"He has to stay in the cart in case you try to betray us and take us out now. He will get off his cart immediately after you guys do," explained Zoisite.

"I don't know about this," said Tuxedo Mask. "Let us discuss this for a second."

"Are you scared to fight us?" asked Zoisite.

"I will fight in the name of Islam!" shouted the Moonlight Knight, hopping off.

"I'm never scared!" yelled Tuxedo, hopping off as well.

"You guys better protect me," said Mamoru Chiba base, following suit.

"You better take some notes," said Endymion, the last to hop off. "Because you're gonna get beaten, and beaten badly!"

They waited for Kunzite to hop off.

"Well?" said Tuxedo.

Kunzite ran down all four of them with his cart.

"Good work!" said Zoisite. "I'm glad you caught onto what I was doing!"

"Heh heh," said Kunzite. "They were foolish to get off their carts."

Everyone sat around and rolled back and forth.

"What now?" asked Nephrite.

"We have conquered our turf, now we must claim this Walmart for the Negaverse!" stated Kunzite.

"Good idea!" said Jadeite.

That's when they heard the familiar sound of police sirens.

"Come out with your hands up, you psychotic murderers!" shouted the police. "But first, remove yourself from the carts."

The Shitennou burst into laughter.

"Remove ourselves from the carts, yeah right!" yelled Kunzite. "What do you take us for, some kind of Mamoru Chiba?"

That's when the police chief decided to enter the premises.

"I'm going in!" he said.

He walked in and the Walmart was completely empty.

He turned on his flashlight, because someone had turned off the lights.

"It was me," whispered Kunzite to the others.

The police chief took cautious steps.

Suddenly, the lights turned on, and he was surrounded by four carts.

"NO!" he said.

He tried to pull out his Taser, but it was too late.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" the other cops heard him scream.

He was diminished.

"Bring in the SWAT team!" ordered the new police chief. "We have to remove these people from the carts at all costs!"

The SWAT team burst into the Walmart.

"Split up!" yelled Kunzite, and the Shitennou took off in all directions.

"After them!" yelled the SWAT team.

Jadeite was speeding through the aisles. He turned around to see 20 SWAT members following him.

"This isn't good," thought Jadeite.

He was nearing the end of the aisle, but the SWAT team created a human barrier with their large shields.

"Heh heh!" laughed Jadeite.

He ran directly into them, using their shields as a ramp and flying over their heads.

He landed on the ground and took off once again while the SWAT team followed him.

Nephrite snaked through the clothing section, throwing down every single rack and creating an impossible maze.

He zipped past Beryl at the frozen mac and cheese.

She did a double take as 30 SWAT members zipped past her, following Nephrite's cart.

"What's going on?" she wondered.

Nephrite pushed down a whole aisle to lose them, and met up with the rest of the Shitennou at the entrance.

They zipped out the door of the Walmart and down the front steps, soaring past the police blockade that was out front.

The police leapt into their cars and zoomed after them down the highway.

"They're gaining on us!" realized Kunzite. "Our carts are no match for those beasts!"

"I've got this!" said Jadeite. He shot lightning out of his palms and into their carts, instantly infusing them with Negapower.

They took off at light speed.

The police had a whole road shut down, but the Shitennou drove into the air and flew right over their barrier as though they were in small jets.

"Keep flying upwards!" commanded Kunzite. "They'll never catch us once we exit the atmosphere!"

"Up up and away!" called Zoisite.

They shot up towards the cosmos, catching fire as they rocketed through Earth's atmosphere.

"Almost there…!" said Nephrite giddily, ready to finally be with his stars.

That's when the carts' batteries all died at once.

They dropped to the Earth like stones, landing in the ocean.

They had to flee to the Negaverse as the police closed in on them in boats, the only greater beasts than carts.

"Phew," they said in the Negaverse.

A few minutes later, Beryl rolled in in her motorized shopping cart.

"I got the snacks, boys!" she announced. "Hopefully you all didn't cause any trouble."

"Nope," they all agreed.

"Good, good!" said Beryl wheeling over to her throne.

That's when Kunzite tossed her out of her cart and the four Shitennou hopped on and fled.

"Hey!" said Beryl.

She got up to get on her throne, but unfortunately she was handicapped and could not stand up.

She laid back down.

"D'ah," she said.


	181. Radio Jed

"Queen Bereru!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"What'd you call me?" demanded Beryl.

"Sorry," said Jadeite. "I can't pronounce two consonants next to each other."

"Sad," said Beryl. "So what's your new source of energy? Or is someone going to walk in and interrupt us?"

"I hope not," said Jadeite. "I actually have a source this time!"

"Ooh!" said Beryl. "This is a rarity! Quick, spit it out!"

"Remember my radio show?" asked Jed.

"No," said Beryl.

"Ah," said Jadeite. "Well I had a radio show."

"Enough with the small talk!" yelled Beryl. "Hurry, before someone comes in!"

Nephrite, Zoisite, and Kunzite entered in a frenzy.

"BERYYL!" yelled Zoisite. "Nephrite's picking on me!"

"Wrong!" said Nephrite. "He tried to pick on me but I reflected it tenfold!"

"Everyone, shut up and join the crowd of Youmas behind Jadeite. I'm hearing his plan today."

"Beryl," began Kunzite. "Endymion's picking on me!"

"Grow up, Kunzite," said Zoisite. "Now anyway Beryl, about Nephrite. I think it's time you dish out a punishment."

"Zoisite, you need to get a backbone," said Nephrite. "You pick fights with me and then can't stand up for yourself."

"Wrong," said Zoisite. "I'm like rubber and you're like glue."

"Didn't you one time cry on Kunzite's lap because I interrupted your little meeting with Beryl?"

"Who told you about that?!" cried Zoisite.

"It was a feral Youma," said Nephrite. "The one with the spinning horns."

"Rotten Youma!" yelled Zoisite. "They're too feral to be trustworthy!"

"When was the last time any of you three got energy?" demanded Beryl.

"Well actually," began Nephrite.

"Exactly," said Beryl. "Get with the unmoving background Youmas at once."

"This is an all-time low," said Kunzite sadly, blending into the background mob and becoming indistinguishable.

"Wowee!" said Jadeite. "This must be the best day of my life! So anyway, my previous radio show was a huge hit. I still to this day get letters asking me to go back on the air. So I think I will!"

"Where does the energy come in?" asked Beryl.

"The more people I get to listen to the radio show, the more will get their energy stolen by the radio waves!" explained Jadeite.

"How does that work?" pressed Beryl.

"I don't know," said Jadeite. "Nephrite told me he could get it to work."

"Oh yeah," said Nephrite, fading out of the background. "The electronics are complicated, so it's best not to think about it. But playing the radio waves out of, say, a car speaker, will cause the listener to give their energy to the Negaverse."

"Modern technology is fascinating," replied Beryl.

"The only problem is," said Jed, "I actually have to have some good content on my radio show. Otherwise people won't listen. So I will do a 48 hour non-stop broadcast, until we get enough energy to get Metalia to 100% power!"

"AHHHHH!" screamed Beryl with glee. "I've waited too LOOOOONG for this! Hop to it at once!"

"Yeah! Wahoo!" cheered the background Youmas.

Jadeite gave a confident nod.

* * *

Jadeite tapped his microphone.

"Testing, testing, one two three!" he said.

"You're on air!" called his tech boy, Melvin.

"Thanks, nerd boy!" said Jadeite. "I'm counting on you to keep everything in line!"

"You can count on me!" promised Melvin.

"We've got your back!" agreed his other tech crew members, Greg and Ami Mizuno.

"Good, good!" said Jadeite. "Good evening, Japan! I am J.-"

Jadeite froze. "I can't use that one again," he realized. "The Sailors will be onto me!"

"I am J Boy, your host for this 48 hour broadcast! Now, we'll start the segment with some music! This song is titled, 'Search for your love,' by local popstars, the Three Lights. Enjoy!"

Jadeite picked up his coffee mug and started drinking. He took occasional looks at his watch.

"J Boy," said Melvin.

"Hey, it's Jadeite," said Jadeite.

"Yes," said Melvin. "But maybe you shouldn't start your broadcast off with just some music. You have to stand out!"

"Shut up," said Jadeite. "I'm the star here! I know what I'm doing!"

"Hmm," said Melvin. "There's just many more interesting things to start off with, you know."

"You're right," said Jadeite. "I should have started off with some commercials."

Melvin frowned.

Three minutes later the song ended.

"Alright, that was a good one," said Jadeite, into his mic. "The next part of our radio extravaganza will be an on-the-scene interview! Here in the studio, is none other than local crane machine expert, Joe!"

"Yo," said Joe, taking his seat.

"Wow," said Jadeite. "Aren't we lucky! Joe, what's it like being such an expert at the claw machine?"

"It's all in the technique," shrugged Joe.

"Ah, OH!" said Jadeite. "Is it true that you have psychic powers?"

"Huh?" gasped Joe. "Where'd you hear that?!"

"No one in particular," said Jadeite. "No need to get defensive now, young boy. Eye witnesses said they saw some shady business going on. Care to elaborate?"

"Yo, this is not cool," said Joe.

"Anyway," said Jadeite. "Do you have a girlfriend?"

"Not at the moment," said Joe, starting to sweat.

"You hear that, ladies?" said Jadeite. "This hero's on the market! You'll never have to worry about not getting that stuffed animal you want from a claw machine with this beast by your side!"

"Alright, enough of that," said Joe, who was doing a fake chuckle.

"Do you still live with your parents, or have you moved out yet like a real man?" asked Jadeite. "I heard you're like 18!"

"Uh… that's none of your concern," said Joe nervously.

"Looks like we've got a basement-dweller," said Jadeite. "Sad. Do you do anything for a living?"

Joe went to answer.

"Don't answer," said Jadeite. "I already know, haha!"

"Actually," began Joe. "I'm also quite the CS:GO expert, and-"

"Are you making any money from that?" inquired Jed.

"Well, I-"

"Pathetic," said Jadeite. "Is it true that CS:GO is a game for uneducated beasts?"

"It's more of an E-sport than Minecraft, so I would say-"

Jadeite cut him off again. "Do your parents pay for a storage shed for all those stuffed animals you hoard?"

"Hey now," said Joe, getting heated. "I thought this would just be a friendly interview about my crane machines! Instead it's just personal attacks!"

"Waaaa, go back to your basement, you freak!" yelled Jadeite.

"Sorry to interrupt," said Melvin, interjecting. "But Joe's mic turned off at some point. But I'm not sure when, I just noticed it now! Could you repeat some of that?"

Jadeite face-palmed. "Sure. What do you do for a living, Joe?"

Joe got up and walked out.

"Sad," said Jadeite. "Take that as a lesson, kids. Get a better hobby than that poor sucker. Alright, we're cutting to commercials so I can pummel this nerd, we'll be back in a few minutes!"

Jadeite got out of his seat and did some stretches. "You need to pay closer attention, Melvin," he said. "I'll let it slide this time because you're a beginner."

"Thanks," said Melvin.

"But if you slip up again," said Jadeite. He balled his fist, and Melvin quivered.

"Anyway," said Jadeite. "Get the next guest ready."

"Uh, we have a problem," said Greg. "All the guests left after they heard how aggressive you were during that last interview."

"Drat!" said Jadeite. "I'll have to go find someone else!"

Jadeite dashed out of the studio, but then ran back in. "Just keep rolling music from the popular boy band, the Three Lights! I will be back!"

* * *

Fifteen minutes later, Jadeite hurried back in. "I couldn't find anyone interesting, so it looks like we'll have to go with this homeless bum I found begging for money."

"SHyaaa," said Chad. "I wasn't begging, I was just playing some of my new hit singles so that maybe a record label would come by and sign me!"

"Sure," said Jadeite. "Sit down and put this mic on, you filthy man."

Chad complied.

"We're back!" said Jadeite. "It's me, J Man, here with our next guest! This guy is very famous." He left it at that. "Introduce yourself, bum!" suggested Jadeite.

"Shyaaaa," said Chad. "My name is Chad. I live at the temple."

"Really?" asked Jadeite. "You look pretty homeless to me."

"Well, I was homeless once," explained Chad. "Until some kind old man took me in!"

"That was a mistake," said Jadeite. "He must be disappointed in you."

"Uh…" said Chad. "I don't think so…"

"I think so," mocked Jadeite. "I see why your parents left you in the streets at a young age."

"Wrong," said Chad. "I was 16 when they threw me out."

Jadeite just shook his head sadly. "Your parents are smarter than that last guest's. But not very smart if they had you."

"Shyaaa," said Chad. "This isn't funny or nice."

Jadeite made fake crying sounds, and continued for an extended period of time.

After five minutes, Chad had to flee, and Jadeite got increasingly louder as he fled.

"You've heard it here, folks!" said Jed. "Usually homeless people have a little more class. But we found ourselves the bottom of the barrel! Honestly, I think city police should be required to kill people like that. Or maybe the street sweepers."

Melvin gave Jadeite a thumb's down.

"Shut up, nerd," said Jadeite. "Alright, let's take some phone calls!"

Ami Mizuno pressed many buttons, and soon a caller was on the line.

"Hello!" said Jadeite. "You're on air!"

"Hi… uh, wow! I didn't think I would get on!" said the caller.

"What's your name?" asked Jed.

"I don't like giving my name out to the public…" said the caller nervously.

"Say it now or I'll trace the call and give your address," chuckled Jadeite.

"Well in that case, I'm Motoki F.," said the caller.

"Ah, I've heard about you," said Jadeite. "You're the owner of the Crown Arcade."

"Yes, and Crown Parlor," said Motoki.

"Hey now," said Jadeite. "This isn't free advertising, this is a radio show! Why did you call?"

"Well," said Motoki. "I love your show, but uh, maybe you shouldn't be so hard on the guests! That might come off as a little bit offensive to some viewers. But otherwise, keep up the good work!"

"Well, well, well," said Jadeite. "Looks like we got another baby on the line. When was the last time you changed your diaper?"

"Hey," said Motoki. "I was just trying to give some friendly advice!"

"Don't make me give you a friendly beatdown!" said Jadeite. "My staff is tracing your number as we speak!"

"Please don't," begged Motoki.

"Sorry," said Jadeite. "It's already done. You're calling from work? Sad! Get back to your job, you slacker!"

"It's a quiet day today," said Motoki.

"I can see why," said Jadeite. "All the customers probably see your mug and leave!"

"I think I'm above average looking!" argued Motoki.

"Yeah," said Jadeite. "For a chimp! Or maybe some kind of sea otter!"

Jadeite pressed a button, and monkey sounds played. Then he pressed another button and it replayed Motoki's previous statement overtop the chimp sounds.

"How about you run along," said Jadeite. "Before this gets ugly."

Motoki hung up, but you could hear sobbing in the background.

"Alright," said Jadeite. "That's enough phone calls. Where are we at, timewise? Are we almost done?"

Melvin checked his watch. "It's been 35 minutes."

"What?! NO!" said Jadeite. "That was all my material! We still have 47 hours and 25 minutes! Melvin, start downloading the top 20 hits!"

"You're still on air," said Greg.

"Damn!" yelled Jadeite. "What kind of shit is this?! Someone queue the music!"

"Uh oh," said Melvin. "I didn't bleep you in time, Jadeite. You're gonna get fined!"

"I'll give you a fine!" yelled Jadeite. "But with my fists! And it's J Man to you!"

"I thought you said it was Jadeite?" asked Melvin.

"That's only for off-air, dumb kid," said Jadeite. "Speaking of which, it's time for a commercial break!"

Jadeite threw his mic down and started stomping on it. "People are so incompetent!" he yelled.

* * *

"Usagi!" called Luna rushing into the Tsukino living room. "Some man on the radio was just called Jadeite by his peer! He might be from the Negaverse!"

"Cats don't talk, Luna," said Usagi. "You might be from the Negaverse."

"Huh?!" cried Luna.

* * *

After an hour and 30 minutes of commercials, Jadeite came back on right as people thought he never would.

"Aaaaand we're back, folks!" said Jadeite. "Sorry for the long commercials, but I had to beat some sense into my production crew. Ami did not survive my assault, so if anyone knew who she was, she is now passed. I replaced her with a generic kid from her school who hung out with Melvin when he threw rocks!"

"My name's-"

"Shut up," said Jadeite. "Someone unplug that kid's mic. So, after many minutes of begging, I have recruited local legend Maxfield Stanton to come onto this radio show!"

"I can't believe you forced Beryl to force me to do this," sighed Maxfield.

"Hidy ho, Maxfield!" said Melvin.

"Hey now," said Nephrite. "You didn't tell me this dweeb would be here!"

"You shouldn't have known he was here," said Jadeite. "But he can't keep his trap shut."

"Hmm," said Nephrite. "What did you want me on for?"

"The plan!" reminded Jadeite.

"I know that," said Nephrite. "But what do you want me to actually do?"

"Anything you want," said Jadeite. "I'm winging this show from here on out. Just tell the audience about your exploits."

"Ah, yes," said Maxfield. "I was born in Kyoto where I grew up to become the wealthy business man you know today."

"Ooh, interesting!" said Jadeite. "So how exactly did you make your fortunes?"

"Company secrets," said Maxfield. "I teach a tennis lesson on Sundays, and an astrology class on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

"How do you have time for that?" asked Jadeite. "I thought you had to be at the vending machine 24/7."

"I don't know what you're talking about," lied Maxfield. "I live on Earth and not in proximity of a vending machine."

"Tell us about your 14-year-old girlfriend," said Jadeite.

"Listen, bub," said Nephrite. "You wanted me on here, don't think you'll try to humiliate me like those other fools!"

"Alright, alright," resigned Jadeite. "Oh look, we have a caller on the line!"

"Hi," said the caller. "I have a few questions for Mr. Stanton!"

"Goody!" said Jadeite. "Can I have your name?"

There was a long pause.

"Never mind that," said Zoisite. "Now, I'd like to bring up what you just mentioned about the 14-year-old girlfriend. Is she in fact a human?"

"Who is this?" demanded Maxfield.

"None of your concern," said Zoisite. "Second question. Is it true you were in fact out-played and defeated by Zoisite of the Negaverse?"

"I don't know who that is," said Maxfield. "But I don't like your attitude. Now tell me who you are!"

"Third question," continued Zoisite. "Is it true you haven't paid your taxes in over five years? And that you're part of a huge business scandal that robbed the city of millions?"

"What the hell?" said Nephrite. "Now you're just making stuff up!"

"Oh," said Zoisite. "So the first two things were true. I see."

Zoisite hung up.

"Quick, call that guy back!" yelled Nephrite. "I'm not done with him yet! And I still don't know who he is!"

Jadeite called the number back, but there was no answer.

"You have reached the voicemail box of Zoisite of the Negaverse. Please leave your name and number."

"Aha!" said Nephrite. "Whoever that is will be banned from coming into my house and any of Stanton Industries' many successful business enterprises!"

"Also," said Nephrite. "He can forget about me lending him that dark crystal he keeps asking for! No way, Jose!"

"Wow," said Jadeite. "What quality programming, am I right guys?"

There was no response so he put on cricket noises for himself.

"Sheeeeesh!" he said. "Now we didn't just call the kind Mr. Stanton in for nothing. He will be competing to win a gift card to Starbuck's!"

"How much is on the gift card?" asked Nephrite.

"You have to win it to find out," said Jadeite sadly. "Competing against you today will be none other than Kenji Tsukino from the local fish market-"

"I'm a magazine editor!" yelled Kenji.

"Yeah, sure," said Jadeite. "And we also have someone named G. Pa, who owns some sort of shrine."

"Hey y'all!" said Grandpa.

"NO!" cried Jadeite. "Err, I mean, let's get the game started! After some commercials!"

Jadeite put down his headset and so did the others.

"Say," asked Nephrite. "Where did you get people to pay for all these commercials?"

"I didn't," said Jadeite. "I'm just playing them for free as filler. Most of them are recorded YouTube ads from the start of videos."

"But without the visuals, won't some of them not really make sense on the air?"

"Nah, it's okay," said Jadeite. "No one listens to ads anyway."

After five minutes, Jadeite went back on.

"As mentioned before the break, we have a great cast here with us today! I won't say their names again though because that would be tiring. The game will be called, 'Who knows J Man the best?' The winner, as said previously, will get a Starbuck's gift card with a surprise amount on it!"

"Yahoo!" said Kenji. "I'm game! Shingle, if you're listening, I'm bringing home the Starbuck's!"

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves," said Jed. "Here's the first question, we'll start off easy. What is my favorite color?"

"Red," said Nephrite.

"No," said Jadeite sadly.

"Yes it is!" said Nephrite. "It's on your uniform!"

"The J Dude does not wear a uniform," said Jadeite.

"That's not fair!" said Nephrite. "You're doing an alter ego! I could easily answer any question about Jadeite! But this contest is rigged."

"Well," said Jadeite. "That's touching, but I'm not the only one with an alter ego. You should understand, my boy. Kenji, your answer?"

"Black," guessed Kenji.

Jadeite just shook his head.

"The listeners don't know you're shaking your head," said Melvin.

"Now they do," said Jadeite. "Grandpa?"

"Maroon," guessed Grandpa.

"No," said Jadeite. "I don't think anyone's favorite color is maroon."

Grandpa hung his head. "Mine is."

"Alright," said Jadeite. "The first round goes to no one."

"So what is J Dude's favorite color?" asked Nephrite.

"Not important," said Jadeite. "Next question. What did I eat for breakfast?"

"Ooh," said Nephrite. "You ate breakfast in the Nega café this morning, and they only serve hash browns for breakfast!"

"Wrong," said Jadeite. "J Man is just a regular human, so they wouldn't let him in the Nega café!"

"This is bogus!" yelled Nephrite.

"Kenji, you're up to the bat," said Jadeite.

"Uh… toast!" said Kenji.

Jadeite shook his head.

"He's shaking his head no," narrated Melvin.

"Alright Grandpa, it's up to you!" said Jed.

"Bacon and eggs," tried Grandpa.

"No," said Jadeite. "The answer was a cheeseburger."

"That's not fair!" said Nephrite. "That's not even a breakfast food! How were we supposed to know that?!"

"Moving on," said Jadeite. "This is the double bonus round. Since no one has any points, whoever gets this round wins the game! The final question is: What number am I thinking of right now? It's between 0 and 100!"

"Are kidding me?" demanded Nephrite.

"Take your guess," said Jadeite.

"Uh," said Nephrite. "100."

"No," said Jadeite. "I said it's between 0 and 100, so 100 wouldn't count."

"Alright," said Nephrite. "Then 49."

"You already tried," said Jadeite sadly. "That doesn't count. Kenji?"

"49," guessed Kenji.

"Bastard!" yelled Nephrite.

"No," said Jadeite shaking his head. "Grandpa?"

Grandpa went to open his mouth.

"No, Grandpa," sighed Jadeite. "It wasn't 69."

"Drat," said Grandpa.

"What was it?" asked Nephrite.

"Zero," said Jadeite.

"Wait!" exclaimed Nephrite. "But you said-"

"I guess no one wins," said Jadeite. "The gift card must go to me."

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" howled Kenji.

"Alright, goodbye all," said Jadeite. "Get out of my show."

Everyone stormed off.

Melvin went to leave too.

"Stop in your tracks, nerd boy," said Jadeite. "I rented you for 48 hours and I will keep you for 48 hours."

Jadeite played a random sound effect of a bird chirping. "You know what that means," he said. "More commercials!"

* * *

"AAAAAAAANNND we're back!" said Jadeite. "We have a caller on the line, let's see what they want!"

Melvin put the caller on air.

"Hello, I am Motoki's sister," said the caller.

"Who's that?" asked Jed.

"It's me," said Motoki's sister. "And I have a complaint!"

"Oooh!" said Jed. He pressed a button that started a siren noise. "It's a complaint, everyone!" exclaimed J Man. "Let's listen!"

"Well," began Motoki's sister. "My brother called in earlier in good spirits, and you were very mean to him and made him cry!"

"Oooooooh!" said Jed. "I made someone cry!" He pressed another button and many sirens went off over a baby crying sound. "Ooooh!"

"That's not funny!" yelled Motoki's sister.

"It's not funny, everyone!" shouted Jadeite. He pressed a button and an MLG air-horn started playing, followed by various kids screaming.

Motoki's sister hung up.

"Quick Melvin, call back!" demanded Jadeite.

"Errr, that breaks the rules of radio, but I'll do my best," said Melvin.

The phone rang two times, until someone hung it up.

"Keep calling!" said Jed.

Melvin kept calling, and on the 7th time, it said the person had blocked their number.

"AHHAHAHAHA!" laughed Jed, pushing many sound effects. "We have lift off! Woo! Quick Melvin, call from your cellphone!"

"I think this is harassment," said Melvin nervously.

"Don't make me take your life," warned Jadeite.

Melvin called again.

"Hello?" answered Motoki's sister.

"Hi, this is your brother Motoki," said Jadeite, snickering into the mic.

"Why aren't you calling from your regular number?" asked Motoki's sister. "Is something wrong?"

"Yes," said Jadeite. "I'm dying in the hospital. Come over here immediately for my last words!"

Jadeite hung up, but he started laughing.

"And there you have it folks! We don't take complaints on this show, wahoo!"

Jadeite called back 20 minutes later, but the number was blocked.

"Heh heh," said Jed. "If anyone wants to call this number, it's-"

Jadeite gave Motoki's sister's number to the entire world.

"Do that during this commercial break!"

Jadeite went off-air.

"Another flawless segment," he stated. "I didn't even have to plan for that one!"

"Maybe you should not have given her number to the entire world," said Melvin.

"Don't worry," said Jadeite. "She could just change it. Or block everyone."

"May I please be dismissed for the day?" asked Melvin.

"No," said Jadeite, shaking his head sadly.

"I feel uncomfortable," insisted Melvin. "Can you at least not say my name on air?"

"Ok," promised Jadeite. "I must have slipped up."

He looked at his watch. "I think that was a long enough commercial break. But I don't know what segment to do next. Were you able to reach her number again?"

"No," said Melvin. "I think other people are trying to call her so it's not going through."

"Yikes," said Jed.

He pulled out his phone and called the one person he could always count on, Queen Beryl.

"Yeah," said Jed. "So I need you to come down here as some kind of persona and let me do an interview. It's for my energy plan!"

"Don't you have Youmas for that?" demanded Beryl.

"No," said Jadeite sadly. "They were all disposed of. So whatddya say, m'queen?"

Queen Beryl hung up.

"Rrrr," said Jadeite. "It looks like it's time for plan B."

Jadeite went back on air.

"Hey everyone! Next segment will be…."

He hit a drumroll.

"The entire Shrek movie's audio! Think of it as an E-book of sorts. Shrek but only the audio. Enjoy."

Jadeite put on the Shrek movie audio, and then left the studio.

"Oh," he said returning. "If I forget to come back at the right time, put on Shrek 2."

"Okey doke," said Melvin.

* * *

Jadeite returned 2 hours later.

"You were late," said Melvin.

"Did you put on Shrek 2?" asked Jadeite.

"No," said Melvin. "I thought you were coming soon so I didn't want to start the movie."

"You're useless!" yelled Jadeite. He went quickly to the mic.

"Sorry everyone, my personal clown Umino Gurio messed up again!"

"Hey!" yelped Melvin. "You gave out my personal info!"

"No," said Jadeite. "Only in Japan. Sit down, boy."

Melvin sat down. "I'll have to move," he considered.

"Alright listeners, have any of you seen the popular anime High School DxD?"

"I have!" exclaimed Melvin. "But I had to watch the censored version."

"Dumb kid," said Jadeite. "Well, this is the light novel for that series. I will read books 1-7, because those are the only ones I can find a pdf of. Let's begin."

Jadeite read books 1 through 7 of High School DxD.

He went to commercial.

"How much time did that waste?" asked Jadeite.

"A good six hours," said Melvin. "You shouldn't have read so fast though."

"I was giddy because I wanted to know what happened," shrugged Jadeite.

"Why'd you make me read the voices for all the girls?" asked Melvin.

"I can't do a girl's voice," explained Jed. "Only Zoisite can."

After four minutes of commercials, Jadeite stood up.

"We're back, yo! I have to go do something, so I'm putting my lackey on the mic! Everyone, give it up for Melvin!"

He put Melvin on the mic and fled.

"Uh, uh…" Melvin was having an anxiety attack. "Uh... Hi everyone…"

Melvin looked around desperately but no help came.

20 minutes later Jadeite returned.

Melvin was just sobbing quietly into the mic.

"Melvin, what'd you do these past 20 minutes?" asked Jadeite.

"Nothing," cried Melvin. "I just sat there awkwardly."

"Dumb kid," said Jadeite. "All our viewers probably left us."

"What did you have to do that was so important?!" demanded Melvin.

"I tried to gather some celebrities to come on," said Jed. "But none wanted to come after how I treated the other guests. What a bunch of ninnies!"

"D'ah," said Melvin, leaving the room to go cry some more.

"Sorry for my incompetent goon," said Jadeite to the viewers.

He pulled out his phone and dialed a number.

Kunzite picked up. "Hello?" he asked.

"Everyone, give it up for my good pal Kunzite!" said Jed. He played the sounds of applause.

"What is this?" said Kunzite. "Where are you, Jadeite?"

"I don't know who that is," said Jadeite. "I am J Bro, and this is my radio show. Kunzite, you're on air!"

"Uh oh," said Kunzite. "What do you want me to say?"

"Whatever you want to say," said Jed. "This is your moment."

"Wow," said Kunzite. "Is this some sort of convoluted scheme to get energy, or are you doing this for fun?"

"Energy?" asked Jed. "What's that?"

"You know, the stuff we need to awaken our great ruler," said Kunzite.

"Shut up, idiot," said Jadeite.

"Hey," said Kunzite. "Don't make me end you."

"You're blowing it," said Jadeite. "Just say anything. There's no pressure. At one point I just played the whole Shrek movie, these people are idiots."

"You're still on air," said Melvin.

"I know, clown," said Jadeite.

"Ok," said Kunzite. "So I know this guy."

Jadeite played a cricket sound effect.

"Hey," said Kunzite. "So anyway, this guy Mamoru Chiba AKA Tuxedo Mask. He's a real goon, and he uses humans to do his dirty work!"

* * *

"Hey!" said Mamoru Chiba at home. "That's a lie!"

* * *

"And also, Queen Beryl is the best!" added Kunzite. "Let's see what else."

"Oh look, we have a caller on the line," said Jed.

"Kunzite, what the hell?!" demanded Zoisite.

"Zoisite!" said Kunzite. "Where are you?"

"Downstairs," said Zoisite. "And I couldn't help but overhear something about Beryl being the best!"

"Wait," said Jed. "Have you been listening to my show this whole time?"

"No," said Zoisite. "I turned it off when you started reading the light novel series. I just came back recently."

"Ah, welcome back," said Jadeite. "You must have been too gay to enjoy such a great harem show!"

"Shut up," said Zoisite. "This is between me and Kunzite."

"Listen," said Jed. "Why don't you two come down here and sort this out? The sound quality isn't that great across the phones."

"No," said Zoisite. "Kunzite, hang up, I'm coming upstairs."

"Hang on a sec," said Kunzite. "I'm not done my skit!"

That's when Jadeite heard the sound of a door opening on Kunzite's line.

"Give me that phone," said Zoisite.

This was followed by a lot of rustling, and then the phone was hung up.

"Huh," said Jadeite. "Well there you have it folks! You don't find drama like this on TV! We'll be back after the break!"

"J Man," said Melvin. "We're out of YouTube ads. They stop showing them at some point."

"Are you kidding me?" said Jadeite. "Just Google vids of ads and play those."

"Okay," said Melvin. "It will take a minute though."

"That's fine," said Jed. "I'll just play some sound effects."

Melvin finally found some commercials so Jadeite could take a break.

"Oooh!" said Jed, wiping the sweat off his brow. "The radio life is tough. I won't do this again."

He went on Google and looked up radio bit ideas.

"All of these require effort," sighed Jed. "Have you gotten your hands on a bootleg copy of Shrek 2 yet?"

"I'm downloading the torrent now," said Melvin. "There's one hour left."

"Of my show?!" asked Jadeite giddily.

"No, until the movie finishes downloading," explained Melvin.

"GrrRR!" said Jed. "I can't wait that long! Time to play a full video of the best 20 songs of 2013."

Jadeite put on the vid without even saying anything.

It was timed perfectly, and he was able to go into Shrek 2 after the vid.

"This is quality programming," said Jadeite to himself. "Think we could hold a hotdog eating contest after the movie?"

"We have no contestants," said Melvin.

"Let's just fake one," said Jed. "We'll play a video of a hotdog eating contest and act like it's happening in the studio."

After the contest wrapped up, Jadeite went into commercial again.

"I've got this down to a formula," said Jed. "How's Shrek 3 coming along?"

"I got a virus trying to download it," Melvin said sadly. "My $1,000 tablet is no more."

"Sad," said Jed. "I guess we're just gonna have to make new content. How unfortunate. Know any songs, Melvin?"

"Yes, I know over 5!" exclaimed Melv.

"Good," said Jadeite. "We're back everyone, and in studio today I have a performer known as the singing nerd! Take it away!"

"Wait," said Melvin. "I'm supposed to sing the songs?"

"Yes," said Jadeite. "Everyone is waiting."

Melvin started to sweat. "My country tis of thee…" he began.

"No," said Jadeite. "Why are you singing American songs? Sing something in Japanese!"

"Ok, I'll sing some anime OPs," said Melvin.

He started singing the Sailor Moon opening.

Suddenly the doors of Jed's studio room swung open.

"Aww, thank goodness!" said Melvin.

He fled out the door and didn't stop running.

"Hey, get back here, nerd!" shouted Jed. "Who are you people supposed to be, a pack of circus clowns? Well, we haven't had a clown perform yet, so go ahead and do your thing I guess."

"We're the executives of all radio signals in the world," said someone from the crowd. "And we have noticed that this timeslot right here is supposed to be someone else's show."

"Wrong," said Jadeite. "He gave it to me. Finders keepers, losers weepers!"

"We're going to have to shut down your show," said an executive.

"You'd have to kill me first," explained Jadeite.

"Ah," said an executive. He threw himself at the off-air button, but Jadeite body-slammed him and he went flying.

"Anyone else wanna try that?" challenged Jed.

Three people took that guy's place, and scattered in different directions.

But Jed knew they were all going to meet back up at the button, so he blocked it with his body and threw kicks in all directions.

"Stop throwing yourselves, we're on air!" said one of the less rowdy executives.

But that's when 10 executives charged in all directions, and Jadeite had to shoot lightning out of his palms.

"He's a monster!" someone yelled. "Call the army!"

But Jadeite closed the door with his psychic powers, and then started throwing punches at everything that was moving.

* * *

"Well I'll be a son of a gun," said Molly. "There seems to be some kind of brawl over there. All I hear is punches being thrown, and occasional shouts. I thought this show was weird when they played the whole Shrek 2 movie, but this is just too much!"

* * *

Jadeite returned to the Negaverse with a pile of energy.

"Wow," said Beryl. "You really came through."

"Yes," said Jed. "I had to end the broadcast a bit early, but I still got a lot of energy."

"This has been the most successful energy plan in the history of the Negaverse!" exclaimed Beryl, examining the energy closely. "When will you be going back on air?"

"Uh, never," chuckled Jed.

Beryl shook her head. "You can't just abandon this energy goldmine."

Jadeite sighed. "Time to download Shrek Forever After."

FIN


	182. The Group Fight

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Alright, Jeddo! Lay it on me!" replied Beryl.

"Actually Beryl, an interesting thought just crossed my mind," said Jadeite.

"Huh?" said Beryl. "You better not be trying to get out of telling me your new source of energy!"

"Of course not," said Jadeite. "But you know what's weird? All four of us Shitennou were never seen doing a team fight in the original canon AKA the 90's anime. Not even in the non-canon manga, either!"

"Hmm," said Beryl. "In Sailor Moon Crystal, which is incredibly and above and beyond non-canon, you all were seen almost fighting the Inner Sailors before you got your memories back and were killed by Metalia."

"I'll never understand that," said Jadeite. "Why didn't Metalia kill the Sailors instead?"

"Metalia's an unsophisticated beast," said Beryl. "Unless she's trying to manipulate someone."

"There's this one scene in the Moon Wand's flashback where we were all standing together, but that wasn't much of a fight," said Jadeite. "And I don't even know if we had Negapowers back then."

"You should bring this up to the other Shitennou," said Beryl.

"Good idea," said Jed, fleeing.

Beryl sat there for five minutes.

"Drat!" she realized. "He got out of giving a new source of energy!"

* * *

Jadeite called a meeting in the Shitennou meeting room.

"This better be important," said Kunzite.

"Oh it is," said Jadeite. "The four of us need to fight someone together!"

"Who?" asked Kunzite.

"Anyone!" said Jed. "It could even be some feral Youmas for all I care!"

"Sadly teamwork isn't our strong suit," said Nephrite. "And I would rather die than work together with Zoisite."

"Right back at ya," said Zoisite.

"No, listen!" said Jadeite. "Wouldn't it be so cool if we were seen doing a group fight? I don't think Kunzite had even said my name in the anime!"

"Who are you again?" asked Kunzite.

"See, this is what I mean!" exclaimed Jed. "How about we go pick a fight with the Sailor Scouts?"

"No way," said Zoisite. "I got slapped by the Moon Wand once, and it's not an experience I want to repeat."

"I fought all the Sailors once and I almost got hit by the Moon Tiara because I wasn't paying attention," said Nephrite. "Because I was being sabotaged by Mully. And I also forgot that I could stop the tiara in mid-air such as you did before, Jed."

"Amateur mistake," said Jadeite. "Let's fight a single Scout then! How about Sailor Mercury?"

"Too easy," said Kunzite.

"Let's go pick a fight with Beryl," suggested Jadeite.

"Too easy," said Kunzite.

"How about some feral Youmas?"

"I don't want to go roll around in the mud with those feral beasts!" objected Zoisite.

"Come on!" complained Jadeite. "Just pick someone then!"

"Let's fight each other," suggested Nephrite.

"Good idea," said Kunzite. "Me and Zoisite vs. Jadeite and Nephrite."

"Hmm, bad teams," said Nephrite. "How about me and you vs. Jadeite and Zoisite?"

"Don't stick me with him!" said Zoisite. "Jadeite lacks strategic ability! Only a fool would get hit by their own plane!"

"I bet you can't even control planes with your mind!" yelled Jadeite, getting upset.

"Sadly I can't," said Zoisite. "You have stronger stats than me, but I'm smarter."

"You and Jed should fight," suggested Nephrite. "Settle this once and for all."

"Zoisite wouldn't want it to come to that," scoffed Jadeite. "I defeated Tuxedo Mask while Zoisite struggled with a crippled Tuxedo Mask."

"Alright, let's not fight anyone," said Zoisite. "Meeting adjourned."

"You can't adjourn this meeting," said Jadeite. "I started it. We're not fighting each other, because it has to be a group fight!"

"Says who?" demanded Nephrite.

"Me," explained Jadeite. But then he sighed. "Alright, alright, you win. No group fight."

Jadeite walked out the door.

"Hey, while we're in a meeting," began Kunzite. "Let's discuss who left the microwave door open in the lounge. When you do that, the light burns out!"

"Wasn't me," said Nephrite.

Just then, the door swung open.

"AHHHH!" cried Jadeite. "Help me!"

He was being chased by a pack of clay men.

"They're too strong!" said Jadeite. "We must fight them together!"

A clay man got Jadeite in a full nelson and another clay man threw punches at his exposed torso.

"Jadeite," said Zoisite. "We know those are your clay men."

"What?!" cried Jadeite, as he got socked in the chops. "No way!"

Another clay man kicked him in the shin.

"If they were my clay men, why would they be hitting me?"

"I don't know," said Nephrite. "I guess you're really determined."

"Alright fine, they are my clay men. But I can no longer control them!" cried Jed. "We have to work together to take them down!"

"You can deal with that on your own," said Kunzite, leaving.

"What fool loses control of their own clay men?" said Zoisite.

"Good luck," said Nephrite.

Jadeite turned the clay men back to clay. "Oh brother," he sighed.

* * *

"So that's the plan!" said Jadeite, to a mysterious figure in a cloak.

"You're paying me to attack your own faction?" asked Wiseman in disbelief. "Well, I do like attacking, so I guess I'll do it."

"Yippee!" said Jadeite.

Him and Wiseman teleported to the North Pole.

"Should I start now?" asked Wiseman.

"Yes," said Jadeite. "And whatever I say, don't back down!"

"Sure thing!" agreed Wiseman, throwing an energy blast at Jadeite.

Jadeite was launched into the Negaverse.

"HEEEEELP!" yelled Jadeite. "I'm being attacked!"

Wiseman was hot on his tail, throwing kicks and jabs with his cloak.

But to Jadeite's surprise, no one was around, not even Beryl.

"HEEEEEEELP!" he cried running towards the soda machine. But no Nephrite.

"What gives?!" cried Jadeite. "Alright Wiseman, it's a no go."

But Wiseman, following orders, did not back down.

He backhanded Jadeite across the Negaverse.

Jadeite picked up the pace, but Wiseman was in front of him.

Jadeite slid under his cloak and saw terrible things, then kept running.

"HEEEEEEEEEELP!" he howled.

He ran up to Kunzite's castle and started kicking the door.

"LET ME IN! AND HEEEEELP!"

Zoisite walked over and looked through the peephole.

"Jadeite, who's that creature with you?" he asked.

"A fiend!" cried Jed. "Let me in!"

"I don't think I want that creature coming in here," said Zoisite. "Let me get Kunzite."

Wiseman slammed Jadeite against the door and threw a leaping robe kick.

Kunzite looked out the peephole. All he saw was Jadeite's face.

"Is this some kind of prank?" asked Kunzite. "Don't come by here anymore, Jadeite."

Jadeite, out of options, threw himself in the abyss to escape the beatdown.

Wiseman leapt down too, but his robe caught wind and he was flown far away.

* * *

"Why do I keep going to these meetings?" asked Nephrite out loud, walking into a meeting Jadeite called.

Kunzite and Zoisite came in as well.

Next to Jadeite, they spotted some sort of animal.

"What is that, Jadeite?" asked Kunzite.

"This is Grandpa's Youma form, Jiji," explained Jed.

"GG?"

"No, Jiji."

"That's what I just said," said Nephrite. "How are you spelling it?"

Suddenly the door slammed shut and locked itself.

Jadeite threw a punch at Jiji, and his google eyes lit up with fury.

"He's lost all control!" shouted Jadeite, getting excited.

"No!" said Kunzite.

"Don't worry," said Jadeite. "I'll throw the first blow!"

He shot lightning out of his palms, tossing Jiji across the room.

But Jiji got up, and he was angry. He threw a backhand, crippling Zoisite, and then drop-kicked Nephrite.

"YEEHAW!" yelled Jadeite, hopping on the creature's back and riding him like a bull.

"Kunzite, throw a punch!" called Jadeite.

Kunzite swung his foot at the beast, but it caught his leg in its mouth.

"What the hell?" said Jadeite. "Why would you not throw an energy attack, Kunzite?!"

That's when the beast jumped up, tossing Jed into the ceiling.

Kunzite finally got his foot free, but then the beast leapt out a window and into the abyss.

"NO!" cried Jadeite. "Come back!"

"Well, you got your stupid group fight," said Nephrite. "I hope you're happy now."

"NOOO!" said Jadeite. "That didn't count! Zoisite got taken out in one blow, and you never got back up! And Kunzite didn't even throw a good attack, he tried to throw a kick for some reason!"

"Honestly," said Kunzite. "I don't know what I was thinking."

"You people are terrible!" shouted Jadeite.

He stormed off.

* * *

The Shitennou each got calls on their phones.

"Guys, report to the cafeteria at once!" said Jadeite. "There's uh… free food!"

"Let's go!" said Kunzite.

"Noooo!" said Zoisite. "He's clearly trying to get us to fight some beast!"

"Oh yeah, you're right," said Kunzite. He spoke into his phone. "Sorry Jadeite, we can't make it at the time."

Zoisite's phone started ringing.

"I'm not coming over, you stupid freak!" yelled Zoisite, hanging up.

That's when the phone rang again.

"I said-" began Zoisite.

"Who are you calling a stupid freak?" demanded Beryl.

All the color drained from Zoisite's face. "Uh, wait, it was all-"

Beryl hung up.

"I'm in deep trouble," said Zoisite.

His phone rang again.

"Your majesty!" he answered.

"Hey, come down to the cafeteria at once!" said Jadeite. "There's free food!"

Zoisite threw his phone to the floor.

* * *

Jadeite waited in the cafeteria with Pharaoh 90 on a leash.

"Why won't anyone come?" wondered Jadeite.

After 30 more minutes, he got up.

"Sorry, big guy. They're not coming."

Pharaoh 90 let out a grunt and fled.

* * *

"Sometimes it just feels like no one understands me," said Metalia.

"There, there," said Kunzite.

He sat on that little platform, talking to Metalia.

"Do you think we'll ever get the Silver Crystal?" asked Metalia forlornly.

"Probably," said Kunzite.

"I wanna get my revenge!" shouted Metalia, getting heated.

"Hang in there," said Kunzite.

Suddenly, Jadeite ran in and drop-kicked Metalia, and she let out a roar.

Jadeite did a backflip and landed next to Kunzite. "Get ready for an all-out battle royale!" said Jadeite, getting in his battle stance.

"What are you doing?!" demanded Kunzite. "Metalia is in no condition to fight! She only has 10% of her true power, and you just delivered a devastating blow to her pod!"

"AAACK!" shrieked Metalia, in inhuman pain. "Put me out of my misery!"

"Sadly that won't do," said Jadeite. "But you should go fuse with Beryl. Meanwhile, I'll call the other Shitennou."

With her last ounce of strength, Metalia shot a lightning beam at Jadeite.

"You missed," said Jadeite sadly.

Metalia died of natural causes.

"No!" said Kunzite. "Queen Beryl's not gonna like this!"

"D'ah," said Jadeite.

Nephrite and Zoisite came in.

"What's the emergency?" asked Zoisite.

"You're too late," said Jadeite sadly. "Metalia's no longer with us! She's in another dimension."

"What dimension?" asked Nephrite.

"Hell," explained Jadeite.

Nephrite and Zoisite shrugged, and then left.

* * *

The four Shitennou stood before Beryl.

"Can someone explain to me," began Beryl. "Why you KILLED Metalia?!"

"I'm sorry, m'queen," said Jadeite. "It was a big mishap."

"Jadeite," said Beryl. "You have to give up on this plan to do a group fight! It just won't work!"

"You could easily make it work!" said Jadeite. "Just fire that attack that killed Zoisite to get things started!"

"No way," said Beryl. "I'm not fighting Kunzite and Nephrite."

"Are you kidding me?!" yelled Jadeite. "What is this, Australian rules?!"

Suddenly a Youma rushed in.

"Nice try," said Kunzite. "But you can take down this feral beast alone."

"Hey now," said the Youma. "I'm actually here with a message from some of the rogue Youmas that live near one of the portals to Earth."

"We have portals to Earth?" said Beryl. "Who made those!?"

"Anyway," said the Youma. "Apparently all five Sailors have marched in with their cats. They are heading right for your throne room."

"Whaaaaaaaaaaat?!" exclaimed Beryl. "Where's that crowd of Youmas that form a barrier around me?!"

"Sadly," said the Youma. "You gave us the day off."

"NO!" yelled Beryl. "Shitennou, this is an emergency! You all must head down there and fight the Sailors."

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" cheered Jadeite.

"Do we have to?" complained Zoisite.

"Yes," said Beryl.

"Ugh, fine," said Zoisite. "Let's go boys."

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" repeated Jadeite.

"We're getting raided, this is no time to be giddy!" scolded Kunzite.

"Heh heh," said Jadeite.

They met the Sailors in the hall, and the Shitennou got in their battle stances.

"Are you gonna stand there, or are you gonna fight?" yelled Kunzite. "Nothing stands in the way of the great and mighty Negaforce!"

"What he said!" said Zoisite.

"I won't let you keep doing evil!" said Sailor Moon, as she, the other Scouts, and the cats got in their battle stances.

"Heh heh," said Jadeite. "Dreams really do come true."

Suddenly a mental wave washed over the Shitennou and they remembered their pasts.

"What the heck?" said Nephrite. "Well, we're still going to end you!"

Kunzite pulled out his boomerangs, and Nephrite started chanting a spell.

Zoisite started inching back, but readied a crystal behind Sailor Mercury.

Jadeite charged up some lightning in his hands.

That's when Metalia swooped in and ended all four of them, creating a large crater.

Metalia turned to the Sailors.

"Queen Beryl is that way," she pointed.

Metalia fled back to her quarters.

"That was odd," said Sailor Moon.

FIN


	183. The Shitennou Get Flimflammed

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Okay, go ahead," said Beryl.

"Well," began Jadeite. "I've spoken among my fellow comrades, and as it turns out, the Earth is under Nephrite's jurisdiction. So I will get energy somewhere else."

Queen Beryl considered this. "Where else, though?"

"Ya know, another planet," said Jadeite. "I just hope there's no nosey Scouts there."

"Yes, we can only hope," said Beryl. "You go ahead and execute that plan."

"YAHOOO!" said Jadeite. "I'm goin' to space!"

He dashed out of the room.

"Alright," said Beryl. "Who has the next appointment?"

"That would be me," said Nephrite, marching in.

Zoisite marched in right behind him.

"Hey," said Nephrite. "Your appointment's not for another 30 minutes!"

"Sorry," said Zoisite. "But me and you are a package deal. Right Queen Beryl?"

"No," said Beryl. "Nephrite, what news?"

"News?" asked Nephrite. "I just wanted to take this spot so Zoisite didn't have it, but Zoisite seems to have walked in anyway."

"Heh heh," said Zoisite.

"Don't you have someone else to bother?" asked Nephrite. "Why don't you spectate Jed instead?"

"I can't," said Zoisite. "He always has a crowd of rogue Youmas behind him, and I would just be lost in the crowd."

"I understand," admitted Nephrite. "Well, goodbye then."

Nephrite left.

"Queen Beryl," said Zoisite. "Why do you put up with that guy?"

"Save it," said Beryl. "What do you want?"

"Well, I found the next Rainbow Crystal holder," offered Zoisite.

"Why are you collecting those?" asked Beryl.

"Just look at Jed's success rate, it's next to nothing!" said Zoisite. "It will take years before Metalia's revived. I just figured I'd get a head start so you don't start getting antsy when it's my arc."

"Excellent work," said Beryl.

"Can I have a promotion?" said Zoisite.

"No," said Beryl.

"D'ah," said Zoisite. He left.

Beryl looked at her schedule.

"Darn, it's over an hour until the Kunzite/Endymion slot. I'll go take a break."

Beryl went home and turned on her computer. She launched Wii Fit on the Dolphin emulator.

"Here we go!" said Beryl. She turned on cheats and pressed start.

* * *

Zoisite showed up at the Hikawa Shrine, and parked himself in a bush with binoculars.

"Mmm," said Zoisite to himself out loud. "There's my target, that old coot!"

"What are you waiting for?" asked Nephrite.

Zoisite did a double-take.

"Why are you here?" said Zoisite.

"To get back at you for always eavesdropping in my conversations with Beryl," explained Nephrite.

"Fine," said Zoisite. "But why are those two here?"

"Well," said Kunzite. "I remember hearing you had a lot of trouble with this guy, and in fact got defeated by him once."

"Lies!" said Zoisite. "It was a 3v1 with the two crows! And I didn't lose, I did a tactical retreat!"

Zoisite turned to Jed.

"I'm just here for the luls," said Jed.

"No luls to be found," said Zoisite. "Now go away!"

But Jadeite just parked himself, and Zoisite sighed.

"No one get in my way. This is my mission," said Zoisite.

"Earth is under my jurisdiction," countered Nephrite.

"Says who?!" argued Kunzite.

"Metalia," lied Nephrite. "Go ask her yourself."

"You know I won't do that," said Kunzite. "But I frankly don't believe you had a conversation with her. I don't even think you know she exists."

"Then how do I know her name?" challenged Nephrite.

"Guys," said Jadeite. "Zoisite's gone!"

"No!" said Kunzite.

* * *

Zoisite kicked open the doors to the temple, and Grandpa was sitting there waiting for him.

"Give it up, old man!" said Zoisite.

"Whatever do you mean?" asked Grandpa.

"Don't play dumb," said Zoisite.

That's when the other three Shitennou entered the room.

"Ah," said Grandpa. "If it isn't Jadeite, Nephrite, Zoisite, and Malachite of the Negaverse."

"Actually," said Kunzite. "It's Kunzite."

"Hey," said Grandpa. "Don't use that language in my temple."

"Huh?!" said Kunzite.

"Enough with the chit chat," said Zoisite. "It's time for battle!"

Zoisite shot petals at Grandpa to bewilder him, but Grandpa leapt out of the way and lit his ceremonial flame, burning the petals.

"A wise guy, eh?" said Zoisite. He rolled up his sleeves.

"Wait," said Grandpa. "Before you end me, I have a proposition."

* * *

The Shitennou dunked their paint brushes into the bucket, and put the white paint on Grandpa's fence.

Jadeite was taking his job too seriously, and had a work suit on and a backwards hat.

"You know," said Jadeite. "I see why he needed a new paint job on this thing. Yellow just doesn't fit the rest of his temple's color scheme."

"Yes," said Kunzite. "It's much more modern."

"Shyaa, can you pass me that roller?" asked Chad.

"Sure thing," said Nephrite, handing him a paint roller.

"Wait a minute," said Zoisite. "I think Grandpa tricked us! Why are we painting his fence?!"

"You know," said Jadeite. "I don't actually remember why we're painting this. All I know is that I can't leave a job half finished."

"He conned us!" said Zoisite. "After I finish the rest of the perimeter, I'm taking that crystal!"

Zoisite marched right into the temple a few hours later.

"Ah," said Grandpa. "Good, you finished before dusk. That will give it plenty of time to dry! Do you want some tea?"

Zoisite slapped the tea out of his hand.

"Enough fooling around!" said Zoisite. "You tricked me, and I'm not sure how! But I won't let it happen again! I'm the Negaverse's tactician; I can't get outwitted, especially by some senile man!"

He took out the Black Crystal.

"You know," said Grandpa, not worried at all. "They say with age comes wisdom. How about a match in chess? Please, as my last wish!"

"Well, all right, if it's your- HEY, NO!" yelled Zoisite. "That's not how this works! I don't owe you anything!"

"Alright, alright," said Grandpa. "Let me write my last will and testament."

* * *

"Hey, watch where you're swinging that thing," said Kunzite as he laid another layer of cement on the brick wall.

Jadeite and Nephrite were carrying each end of a steel beam, and were walking it to the other side.

Jadeite and the rest were sporting hard hats, except for Kunzite who wouldn't let his hair get messed up.

"Kunzite," said Jadeite. "You need to wear a hard hat!"

"Why?" demanded Kunzite. "I can tank any accident that happens!"

"You just don't understand," said Jadeite. "Brain damage is something that can't be undone, which is why safety is most important on these kinds of jobs."

Zoisite had a sweater tied around his waist and was breaking a sweat.

He hammered a nail into two pieces of wood. "It's good that Japan is getting more and more urban," he commented. "In 20 years, every building will be this tall. Hey wait a second! I don't care about Japan! Why are we building this?!"

"You told us to," said Nephrite. "I wasn't very fond of the idea at first, but now I'm getting the hang of it."

"I never told anyone to do anything like this!" yelled Zoisite. "Or did I? ERRR!"

He threw his hammer in anger, and by bad chance it hit Kunzite on the head, and he was tossed 30 stories off the building and landed on his head.

Jadeite just frowned and shook his head.

"What did that old man say to me?!" cried Zoisite. "I went to go take his crystal, and next thing I knew I was building an apartment complex!"

* * *

The Shitennou all marched down to Grandpa.

"We're done," said Kunzite.

"Ah, good work, Malachite," said Grandpa.

"Actually, it's Kunzite," said Kunzite.

"Hey," said Grandpa. "We don't allow racism here."

"Huh?!" said Kunzite.

"Anyway," said Jadeite. "What's our next job?"

* * *

"Here's your paddle," said Zoisite, handing a small child a net to try to grab a goldfish.

Zoisite was in a yukada, and the rest of the Shitennou were in male summer festival garb.

Jadeite leaned down and whispered to the kid, "The trick is to put all your force in your wrist, and if you don't shake your hand the net won't break!"

"Gee, thanks," said the youngling.

"Jadeite!" said Nephrite. "You're not supposed to help them! We give them really lousy nets for a reason! They're supposed to lose so they keep trying and paying us more money to donate to the Hikawa Shrine!"

"Nah," said Jed. "It's all in summer fun. Let the boy live his dream."

Kunzite was grilling sushi in the stand right next to them. He had a bandana around his head and was wearing an apron, and was chopping squid at a rapid pace.

"I'm really getting the hang of this," said Kunzite. "If this Negaverse thing doesn't work out, I might get a full-time job as a sushi chef!"

"Now, now," said Jadeite. "This is just a part-time job to raise funds for the Hikawa Shrine. Don't put too much work into it. We still have to come back three more nights."

"Shyaaa, my net broke," said Chad.

"Chaaaad!" said Jadeite. "You're supposed to be running the stand, not playing it!"

"Hey," said Chad. "I paid."

"We're gonna run out of nets at this rate," sighed Zoisite.

* * *

The Shitennou stood at a busy street corner.

"Hey!" screamed Nephrite at a passerby. "Take this flyer!"

"Get away from me!" screamed the citizen, legging it.

"Nephrite," said Kunzite. "You have to be more gentle. Humans are fragile."

"Hmm," said Nephrite.

Jed was in a Grandpa costume, with a giant Grandpa head and nothing more.

"Hey hey!" he said in a goofy voice. "Come visit Hikawa Shrine! Very good place to spend your money!"

The rest of the Shitennou were in shrine garb.

"Jadeite, why are you in a Grandpa costume?" asked Zoisite. "That's driving people away, not attracting customers!"

"Hmm," said Jed. "This reminds me of the time I worked for the Hikawa Shrine. Back then, I lured people in with my good looks."

"You should do that now," suggested Zoisite. "None of us have the hots like you."

"Wrong," said Nephrite. "Maxfield Stanton was also stated to be handsome."

"Beryl actually said that I was the handsomest," lied Kunzite.

"You look like a girl," said Jadeite.

"Me?!" cried Kunzite. "Look at my masculine forehead and eyebrows! Not like Zoisite's girly eyelashes!"

"Hey," argued Zoisite. He left it at that.

"I finished hanging up all the posters!" called Chad, running over in a pant.

"Good work, Chad," said Kunzite. "Did you get any potential customers?"

"Yes," said Chad. He left it at that.

"Hey young one," said Jadeite at a pedestrian. "Take this flyer!"

"Righteroo!" said Melvin.

But Jadeite watched as Melvin threw it in a trashcan a couple of paces away.

Jadeite walked up to Melvin. "If you didn't want it, why didn't you hand it back?"

"Oh, it would have been awkward," shrugged Melvin. "Didn't wanna hurt your feelings, ya know?"

Jadeite clenched his fist with a visible sound heard.

"YeeeE!" screamed Melvin, taking off.

But Jadeite chased him down.

"Get back here, you scamp!" he howled.

He quickly caught up and tore Melvin to shreds. He crumpled up the shreds and threw them away.

"That's for wasting paper!" yelled Jed. "You could have at least recycled!"

* * *

A loud bell went off, blaring through the fire station.

"Oh no! A fire down at Main Street!" called Jadeite. "Let's move, boys!"

The boys put their hats on and slid down the fire pole. They quickly boarded a firetruck and took off.

"Drive faster!" yelled Nephrite. "People's lives are on the line!"

Jadeite finally pulled up to the burning building.

"Help me!" screamed a little girl from the window.

"I'm coming, young girl!" yelled Jadeite, darting inside and running up the stairs.

"Alright," said Zoisite. "Let's do what we can out here!"

Zoisite shot petals at the fire, but it only caused the flames to spread.

"Cut that out!" said Nephrite clocking him.

"Don't clock me!" said Zoisite.

Kunzite, meanwhile, turned on the hose from the firetruck and let it rip.

"Help me, boys!" called Kunzite. "We need more hoses!"

Nephrite and Zoisite quickly stopped fooling around and started spraying the fire.

The fire shot back at them and they became locked in a heated beam struggle.

"If we let that fire overtake us," said Kunzite. "This whole city will die!"

"For Tokyo!" called Nephrite.

They were able to hold off the fire long enough for Jadeite to run out with the little girl and three cats.

"Alright, now it's time to give it my all!" said Kunzite.

He shot a powerful gale at the building, eliminating the flames.

"We did it!" the Shitennou cheered.

By this point a large crowd had formed, and they broke into a flurry of applause.

"It's all in a day's work," said Jadeite, bowing.

* * *

That night, they returned to their dorms at the fire station.

"The life of a part-time firefighter is a hard job," said Jadeite.

"Yes," said Zoisite. "But it's worth it to see the look on that little girl's parents' faces."

"Goodnight everyone," said Kunzite.

"Let's do our best again tomorrow," said Nephrite.

* * *

"Alright, lil Billy!" said Nephrite. "You can do it!"

"Gee whiz," said lil Billy. "I sure hope I get a homerun!"

"Well, don't go that far," said Nephrite. "But our little league team will win the championship for sure!"

"Yahoo!" cheered Shingo. "Go little league!"

"Calm down," said Kunzite. "Save some energy for the big game."

"Thanks for not benching my boy," said Kenji. "I know he's awful, so I'm glad you're letting him play at all!"

"Papa!" cried Shingo. "I heard that!"

"Ho ho ho," said Nephrite. "We believe every child should have a chance to play."

Kunzite put on the catcher gear and squatted behind home base.

"I'm so ready," he said.

Kyuusuke was the first up to bat.

"Hey," said Jadeite. "I thought Shingo just went."

"Shingo doesn't have green hair," said Zoisite. "That's clearly Kyuusuke, the young man from season 4, who also made a cameo appearance in season 2. I made a cameo in season 2 as well."

"No you didn't," said Jadeite.

"Yes I did," argued Zoisite, but he didn't remember the timestamp so he left it at that.

"Batter up!" called Nephrite. "Give it your all, Suke my boy!"

"Yeah!" said Kyuusuke, missing the first ball.

"Strike!" yelled Nephrite. "Come on, you can do this! Keep your eye on the prize!"

"Yes!" promised Kyuusuke. "I've done harder things in my life, such as the vaulting horse! I can easily hit a ball!"

The next pitch came, and Kyuusuke swung a little early.

Jadeite was biting his nails.

"Easy now, Shingo," said Jadeite. "Don't let us down."

"I won't," said Kyuusuke, choking.

He swung at a ball that was way off from the home plate, and was sent out.

Jadeite shook his head. "I guess we weren't ready after all."

Next up to bat was Momoko Momohara.

"Nice lil cap," said Jadeite.

"Thanks," said Momoko nodding.

"Way to stick to far eastern roots with that outfit," he commented.

"Shut up," said Momoko. "I'm trying to swing."

"Isn't that girl a little too… developed?" asked Nephrite to Zoisite.

"Ewww!" said Zoisite. "Lolicon!"

"No!" cried Nephrite. "Just look! Those things are huge!"

Zoisite walked away.

"I don't want to be branded a lolicon, pls!" said Nephrite. "But that can't be a child!"

Momoko didn't swing for two swings, because both were balls.

"Easy now," said Jadeite. "Don't forget to swing!"

"Shut up, stupid," said Momoko.

"How old are you?" demanded Nephrite.

"What?!" asked Momoko. "Are you some kind of lolicon?!"

"No!" exclaimed Nephrite. "But I assume you drink your milk every day, am I correct?"

Momoko was so disturbed she missed the next pitch, but luckily it turned out to be a ball.

"Nephrite, stop distracting the young girl," said Jadeite. "Alright Momo-chan, one more ball and you get to walk!"

"K," said Momoko.

The next ball zipped right through the middle, and Momoko tossed a swing.

Shockingly, she hit it out of the park.

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEES!" screamed Jadeite, in an MLG fashion. "Wombo!" he shouted. "Wombo!"

"Calm down," said the ref.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!" said Jadeite. "AHH! AHH! AHH! YESS! WE WIN!"

"This is the first inning," said Zoisite. "Hold you horses."

But Jadeite couldn't control himself.

He threw himself to the ground and started rolling around. "WAHHOOO!"

* * *

The Shitennou trekked through the woods in hiker gear.

"Ooh!" howled Jadeite, swinging his giant over-sized net.

"Watch where you're swinging that thing," said Nephrite.

"Sorry," said Jadeite. "I thought I saw a cicada. But it was just a spider."

"Ooh!" howled Jadeite again. "Nope, just a spider."

"Come on guys, let's focus," said Nephrite. "We're not leaving until we catch 10 cicadas."

"But I'm hoooot!" said Zoisite. "Let's a take a break!"

"We just got here," said Jadeite.

"Jadeite!" said Kunzite suddenly. "Don't move!"

"Why not?" asked Jadeite.

"There's a cicada on your head. Don't overreact."

Jadeite started screaming, so Nephrite swung down his giant net, trapping Jadeite with the cicada.

"HEEeeeEELP!" yelled Jadeite.

"We caught one!" said Zoisite giddily. "Jadeite, watch where you're flailing. You might squish the cicada."

Jadeite finally fought his way out of the net, but the cicada was gone.

"NO!" screamed Kunzite. "Look what you did!"

"Not to worry," said Jadeite. "I see one right over there. Wait, never mind, it's just a spider."

* * *

"Heave!" yelled Kunzite.

The four of them pushed the boulder forward, into place in the huge rock garden they were creating at Hikawa Shrine.

"There," said Jadeite. "That's all the rocks. Now we have to make the tracks in the sand."

"Hey," said Nephrite. "Stop lounging on the rocks and help us, Zoisite."

"In a minute," complained Zoisite. "Pushing rocks is heavy labor, and I'm more of a mental laborer."

"Why don't you make some sand tracks then?" suggested Nephrite.

Zoisite sighed and took out his rake.

But as he passed Jadeite, Jadeite stepped all over his tracks.

"Hey!" cried Zoisite. "You stepped on my tracks!"

"Sorry," said Jed. "I'll get them on my second time around."

"There shouldn't be a second time around!" said Zoisite.

* * *

"Ah," said Jadeite as the plane flew through the sky. "I remember when I used to be the one controlling the planes. It's funny how life works sometimes."

"Hey!" called a passenger. "I need more peanuts!"

"Sorry," said Jadeite. "I don't speak English," he said in English.

The passenger sighed.

Zoisite walked to the front wearing a girl's flight attendant uniform. "Welcome to flight 189. Please stay seated at all times."

"What is this, a carnival ride?" heckled Yaten.

"Sir, if you don't calm down we'll have to stop this plane," threatened Zoisite.

"Spoooooky!" said Yaten. "But I have all day. I don't care if you stop this plane."

"Other people do, so I suggest you show some respect," said Zoisite.

"What are ya gonna do?" taunted Yaten.

Kunzite and Nephrite grabbed each of Yaten's arms.

"You're too disorderly. We're removing you from the flight," said Kunzite.

"What?! We're still in mid-air! This is insane, you'll never get away with it!" cried Yaten.

He was thrashing and reaching for his transformation pen, so they threw his head into the armrest.

Then they opened the door and threw him out of the moving plane, 10,000 ft. above the ground.

They shut the door.

"Anyone else?" asked Zoisite.

The passengers were terrified.

"Alright then," continued Zoisite. "So our movie choices for this ride are Sailor V V, or Sailor V IV. Or Finding Nemo."

"NEMOOO!" howled Jed. "Martin! Martin!"

"Jadeite," said Zoisite. "You've seen Finding Nemo 20 times today. It wasn't even a Japanese dub, or sub for that matter."

"I don't care!" howled Jadeite. "I like the fight scenes, when the dad and the mom tried to fight that beast that ate the eggs! Most action-packed scene I've ever seen!"

Zoisite shrugged. "Finding Nemo it is."

* * *

"Oh boy, Tanabata already!" said Jadeite dreamily. "Now everyone take a slip of paper and write down your wish! But don't tell anyone, or it won't come true!"

"Hmm," thought everyone as they stared at their blank papers.

"I wish for Nephrite's demise," wrote Zoisite. He went up and stuck it on the tree at Hikawa Shrine.

"What'd you wish for?" asked Nephrite.

"Nice try to avoid the inevitable," said Zoisite.

"Hmm, what should I wish for?" asked Kunzite.

"We can't tell you," said Jadeite sadly. "You have to figure it out on your own."

Kunzite picked up his pen. "I wish to see the smile on Queen Beryl's face," he wrote. He hung it up.

"Nice," said Jadeite. "I wished for that too!"

"No!" cried Kunzite. "You looked at mine!?"

"Shoot," said Jadeite. "I guess I made it not come true. Wait, now you know what I wished for! Does that cancel it out?"

"I sure hope not," said Kunzite. "At least one of us might be able to make Queen Beryl smile."

"Hey, what's all this about!?" said Zoisite, biting his thumb.

"I wish for Zoisite's demise," decided Nephrite at last. "And also Kunzite's," he wrote in smaller letters. He stuck it on the tree.

"I wish for Rei's heart," was what Chad wrote.

"Hey!" said Rei, looking over his shoulder.

"Nooooooo!" cried Chad. He took his own life.

Grandpa walked over. "Looking good, boys. When you're done, make sure to plant that bamboo tree!"

"Aye aye, cap'n!" said Jed.

* * *

"Come here, Skipper!" called Zoisite, holding up a hoop. "The big show's a couple months away! We have to get this act down to a science!"

"Zoisite," said Kunzite. "Why are you wearing a shirt?"

Zoisite started to blush. "Do you want to see my chest that badly?"

"No," said Kunzite. "I was just wondering."

Zoisite bit his thumb but said nothing.

"Hey, Flippy!" called Jed. "Here's a treat! Now jump through the hoop!"

Jadeite's dolphin took the treat and fled. It leapt out of the pool and ran away.

"Noooo!" cried Jed. "Guys, I lost Flippy!"

"How do you lose a dolphin in a closed pool?" demanded Nephrite.

"Idunno," admitted Jadeite. "But dolphins are smart creatures. We have to keep an eye on them, or else they'll overthrow us."

Zoisite directly eyed a dolphin, and the dolphin tossed him a dirty look.

"It's not gonna be that easy," said Zoisite. "If they all team me I'm a goner!"

At that moment, three dolphins charged right for Zoisite.

"Don't worry!" said Kunzite. "I'll protect you!"

The dolphins swam right under him and pulled Zoisite to the bottom of the pool.

One of the dolphins threw flipper punches at his exposed torso as Zoisite choked underwater.

He couldn't escape because he was held down.

"Why Skipper, why?!" gargled Zoisite.

Kunzite and Jadeite were trying to pry a dolphin off Zoisite, but it slapped Kunzite with its tailfin and nipped Jadeite on the arm.

"Yeeeouch!" cried Jadeite, swimming back to the surface.

Zoisite thought fast as he started to suffocate. He pulled the drain open and the water started draining.

But it wasn't fast enough and Zoisite lost consciousness.

When the water finally drained, the dolphins had to leap down the drain to live, and they left him badly beaten at the bottom of the pool.

"Never trust a creature as smart as humans," stated Nephrite in awe.

"So we're not going to teach those apes sign language tomorrow?" asked Jed.

* * *

Jadeite bent down and picked up more trash off the side of the freeway.

"I love helping Mother Nature," said Jadeite.

"Same," said Zoisite, finishing a chocolate bar and throwing down the wrapper.

"You're pretty arrogant for someone who got beat by dolphins the other day," said Nephrite.

"You would have lost that fight too if they targeted you!" cried Zoisite.

"Exactly," said Nephrite. "That's why I don't provoke them. It's the same for Kunzite."

"Heh," said Kunzite. "It's nice for you to finally acknowledge my feats once in a while."

"Don't let it get to your head," said Nephrite, picking up some more garbage.

"Are you gonna pick up garbage or stand there, Zoisite?" said Jadeite.

"Yeah, yeah," said Zoisite picking up his chocolate wrapper.

Kunzite held out the bin and he threw it in.

"Here, can you pass me that apple core as well?" asked Kunzite.

"Wait," said Zoisite. "What are we doing?"

"We're picking up trash off the freeway," explained Jadeite.

"Yes," said Zoisite. "But why?"

Jadeite thought about it for a long time. "I don't remember," he admitted.

"Ooh, I think I know," said Nephrite. "It's a good deed!"

"We don't care about that!" said Zoisite. "Our Negavalues aren't very generous!"

"Hmm," said Kunzite, thinking about it. "I think we're doing it because Grandpa told us to do it after training those dolphins."

"Oh yeah, yeah!" recalled Jadeite.

"Wait," said Zoisite. "Just hang on here. One of these puzzle pieces does not fit in. Let's go over the story again, but slowly."

"Okay," said Jadeite. "We were at the summer festival, and it was just after the firework show."

"No," said Zoisite. "Before that."

"Gee," said Jadeite. "I don't think I can remember that far ago. That summer festival was five years ago."

"It was around the time we built that house," recalled Nephrite.

"Why did we build the house again?" wondered Zoisite. "That's all we need to know, and everything will slide into place."

"Well, because Grandpa told us to, obviously," said Kunzite.

"Grandpa…" thought Zoisite. "Grandpa… why were we communicating with him?"

"To paint a fence?" asked Jed.

That's when it dawned on Zoisite, and he screamed incoherently.

* * *

Zoisite marched into Grandpa's temple.

"Wait, what are you doing?!" yelled the Shitennou who were trailing him.

"Are you gonna try to hurt Grandpa? If you hurt him, he won't tell us what to do next!" said Jadeite.

Zoisite was mad. "He shouldn't be telling us what to do! I was supposed to take his crystal ten years ago, but he tricked me! And since I'm the smartest, of course you all got tricked too!"

"Hey," said Nephrite. "I think I'm the second smartest."

"Think again," said Jadeite.

"Jadeite," said Nephrite. "You got killed by your own planes, you buffoon! And Kunzite got killed by his own boomerang! Two very stupid moves! Then again, trying to kill Mamoru Chiba was a stupid move on Zoisite's part. But he's more book-smart than street-smart."

"You're getting distracted again!" cried Zoisite. "We have to confront this old beast!"

Zoisite got to the main room of the temple.

"There's…there's nothing here," said Zoisite. "It's empty. He must have moved out."

"When did he do that?!" demanded Jadeite.

"During the last ten years," said Zoisite. "I knew it was suspicious that our last task was given by phone call!"

"Then how will we take his crystal?" asked Kunzite.

Zoisite took his own life and the others followed suit.

* * *

Grandpa sat on the opposite side of the world on a lawn chair at the beach.

"Heh heh," he chuckled. "That Zoisite isn't as bright as he lets on."

Grandpa took a sip of tea.


	184. Nephrite's Toughest Target

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Not now, Jadeite," said Beryl. "I'm talking to the mob behind you."

Jadeite turned around. "Hey, when did those guys get there? What are they, a bunch of feral beasts?"

"Yes," said Beryl. "Now, mob, it is time to find the Silver Crystal. Go search for it!"

"Yes," said various voices.

The entire Youma mob teleported away from behind Jadeite.

"What… what just happened?" asked Jadeite in shock. "Are they all just going to Earth to run the streets like the beasts they are?"

"I don't know," said Beryl. "And frankly I don't want to. But maybe one will get lucky, who knows."

"I didn't know they actually had a purpose," said Jed. "I thought they were just background decorations."

"No," said Beryl. "You know, this actually happened in the show. Go back and look."

"Sorry," said Jed. "But I don't approve of watching anime illegally."

"Then go buy the $20 DVD set for the first half of the first season from Viz," shrugged Beryl.

"No thanks," said Jed. "I'll just go on KissAnime."

"But you just said-"

Jadeite was gone.

"Hmm," said Beryl.

* * *

Nephrite pulled up to Molly's house.

He was going to walk up and knock on her door, but decided instead to teleport to her balcony and knock on her patio door.

"Ahh!" screeched Molly's mom passing out.

"Maxfield," said Molly, answering the deck door.

"You can call me Nephrite," said Nephrite.

"How did you get up here?" asked Molly. "I'm on the 15th floor!"

"I teleported," explained Nephrite.

"Cool!" said Molly. "Can you teach me how to do that?"

Nephrite shook his head sadly.

"Hidy ho!" called Melvin.

"What the?!" demanded Nephrite, spinning around.

He turned to see Melvin climbing a huge ladder up to Molly's balcony.

"See Molly?" said Melvin. "I'm just as good as this fiend!"

Nephrite waited until Melvin almost reached the top, and then pushed the ladder over.

"NOooooooOOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Melvin, falling to his death.

"Good riddance," said Nephrite.

"Nephrite!" cried Molly. "You just killed him!"

"Sad," said Nephrite. "But there's nothing we can do now!"

"Yes, there is!" said Molly. "Let's call the police and say it was an accident! Maybe the ambulance workers can resuscitate him!"

"Mmm," said Nephrite. "I don't think one could survive that."

"Heeeeelp!" yelled Melvin.

"Huh," said Nephrite. "That's one resilient nerd!"

Nephrite had no choice but to carry the nerd in his arms to the hospital.

It turned out that all his bones were broken and he had a concussion.

"Your son will recover in eight months," said a hospital worker.

"Like I would have a kid that nerdy," sneered Maxfield.

* * *

Eight months passed, and Melvin recovered.

"I feel as fit as a fiddle!" he told himself.

He hopped on the internet to celebrate.

"Time to play a Back 18 in Toontown Rewritten!" he said, starting up the amazing TTR engine.

He got a group and joined the longest mode on Toontown.

Melvin fought cogs for three days straight, and all three people that went in with him had to leave.

"Heh heh, good thing I grinded 500 pink slips," chuckled Melvin, as he finally got to the last three holes.

Another 10 hours later, he got to the club president, the final boss of the golf course.

"All those days spent are about to pay off!" he said giddily.

He threw a Toontanic, but it never hit.

Rather, an error message came up, saying the district that he was in has closed and in fact everyone in his district got kicked off.

Melvin stared at the screen for a very long time.

"No," he said finally. "No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Melvin leapt out his window, in an attempt to end his life.

He landed on a mattress, however, and settled for laying on it and sobbing.

* * *

Nephrite looked at the stars.

"O stars," he said. "Tell me the next target at the peak of their energy, you majestic creatures!"

The stars spawned a picture of Melvin.

"Uh oh," said Nephrite. "Now I have to follow that cretin all day until he reaches his peak! Why, cruel world?!"

Nephrite reluctantly teleported to Melvin.

"Hey nerd," said Nephrite.

That's when he spotted Melvin running into the freeway.

"Woah!" cried Nephrite. He was in Maxfield disguise so he couldn't fly over and grab him, so he had to settle for leaping over cars.

He picked up Melvin in his arms.

"What the hell are you doing?!" demanded Nephrite. "You're gonna get yourself killed!"

"Why do you care?" asked Melvin. "You said you wanted me dead many times."

"No," lied Nephrite.

"My life is meaningless," said Melvin. "All that's left for me is misery."

"Come on now," said Nephrite. "As a wise man once said, the life of a flower is short and full of suffering."

"That makes no sense," said Melvin.

"Can it," said Nephrite. "At least hang in there until the end of the day."

"Why?" asked Melvin. "Things won't get better. I just want to end it all."

"Spare the melodrama," said Nephrite. "Here, I'll cheer you up. Let's go to Crown Parlor and get a cranberry milkshake!"

"There was a time," said Melvin glumly. "Where that would have made me happy. But those times have since passed."

"Okay, fine," said Nephrite. "Let's go to Crown Arcade and play some Sailor V. I'm sure a nerd like you would be okay at it."

"I'll think about it," said Melvin.

"That's the spirit," said Nephrite. "I'm going to set you down now. Don't try anything funny."

He set Melvin down, and he started dashing down the highway.

"Where are you going?" demanded Nephrite chasing after him.

"To the great beyond!" howled Melvin, running down the road until he reached a bridge.

"Don't you do it!" screamed Nephrite.

Melvin leapt off the bridge, and Nephrite had to fly after him and catch him before he collided with the water.

"No!" screamed Melvin, trying to break free. "Let me pass!"

"What is this all about, anyway?" demanded Nephrite. "Lose a videogame or something?"

"Yes," said Melvin. "Something happened out of my control and four days went in the garbage."

"Well, you win some you lose some," said Nephrite. "No one likes a poor sport."

"It's all Joey's fault," said Melvin.

"Okay," said Nephrite. "But that doesn't mean you need to kill yourself."

"Sir Max is a fiend," continued Melvin.

"Okay, okay," said Nephrite. "We're going to Crown Parlor now, alright?"

Melvin didn't say anything.

* * *

"See, here we are!" said Nephrite. "Don't you feel better already?"

"Sure," said Melvin curtly.

Nephrite dragged him to a table.

"Table for 2 please," said Nephrite.

Motoki's sister eyed him. "Odd guy," she said.

She handed them the menus.

"What would you like?" said Nephrite.

"To die," said Melvin.

"What food, I mean?"

"…I'll take a steak," said Melvin at last.

"They don't serve that here," said Nephrite.

"I want a steak," repeated Melvin.

"I'll see what I can do," sighed Nephrite.

Nephrite went in the back and explained his situation.

"Yeah, so I'm stuck with this suicidal nerd," he began.

"Say no more," said the chef, pulling a steak out of the reserves and putting it in the oven.

Nephrite headed back into the dining room.

"Hey!" screamed Nephrite.

Melvin was standing on a chair, tying a shoelace around his neck.

"Goodbye, cruel world," he said.

He leapt off the chair.

But the shoelace snapped, and he fell on his head.

"Get back in your seat," commanded Nephrite. "I can't believe you."

Melvin stood up and sat down.

"I got you that steak," continued Nephrite. "So be grateful."

"Mm," said Melvin, letting out a sad sound.

"Ridiculous," said Nephrite under his breath.

Motoki's sister put the steak in front of Melvin a few moments later.

"Life is precious," she said, turning to Melvin. "Never give up."

"Mm," repeated Melvin.

"Looks good!" said Nephrite. "Very juicy steak you got there! I'm jealous!"

Melvin went to cut a piece of steak with his knife.

But suddenly, he thrust the knife towards his neck.

Nephrite's reflexes were unmatchable, and he quickly socked away the knife.

"You fool!" screamed Nephrite. "Is that the only reason you wanted a steak?"

"Yes," said Melvin. "I don't eat anything with a face, except for shrimp!"

"Then there's no point in that," said Nephrite getting frustrated. "I've given you many chances to control yourself, but clearly you cannot. I'll have to restrain you the hard way."

Melvin threw a punch, hoping Nephrite would throw one back and put him out of his misery.

But Nephrite just grabbed his hand and teleported him back to his mansion.

Nephrite spawned a small cage, and threw Melvin inside.

"You're staying here for the rest of the day," said Nephrite. "You won't be able to kill yourself now!"

Nephrite waited for a response, but Melvin didn't say anything.

Instead, his face started getting red, and then blue.

"Have you… have you stopped breathing?!" screamed Nephrite. "Are you kidding me!?"

Melvin's face was now purple, so Nephrite threw a punch to his stomach.

"That won't work, dweeb!" yelled Nephrite. "You will pass out from lack of oxygen and start breathing again before you die."

Melvin angrily exhaled.

"I will not give up," he said.

"Whatever," said Nephrite. "There's nothing you can do."

Nephrite headed upstairs to take a nap and wait for the right time to snag Melvin's energy.

A few minutes later, Zoisite teleported into Nephrite's living room.

"How's that search for the Silver Crystal coming?" taunted Zoisite.

He looked around. "What is this?" he said. "Where's Nephrite?"

"Hey!" yelped Melvin. "Let me out!"

"Huh?" said Zoisite, following the voice and walking over to the small cage. "What is this?" he repeated.

"Free me!" squealed Melvin.

"Sure," said Zoisite.

Zoisite blew up the cage, and Melvin took off running.

"Farewell, young boy," said Zoisite. "That Nephrite's an odd guy."

A little bit later, Nephrite headed back downstairs.

"That was a good powernap," he said, stretching.

"How's it hanging, Dweeb-o?"

Nephrite waited.

"Hey, nerd! Do you feel your energy increasing?"

There was no response again, and Nephrite panicked and dashed over to the cage.

"What if he snuck that knife into his pocket?!" thought Nephrite.

But when he got to the cage, there was no dead nerd. There was no nerd at all.

"What?!" cried Nephrite. "That was a magic cage! There was no lock or door!"

Nephrite dashed out of his house.

"Nerd!" he called. "Come back!"

He searched a little ways into the forest to see if Melvin was hiding behind a tree, but soon decided to teleport to the bridge.

And, as he suspected, there was Melvin, ready to jump.

"Step off that ledge!" yelled a cop into a megaphone.

A large crowd was gathered.

"I'm gonna jump!" yelled Melvin. "I'm doing it!"

"Don't you do it," said the cop.

"I'm doing it!" repeated Melvin, going for a leap.

Nephrite grabbed him by the collar, and everyone applauded.

"That's local hero Maxfield Stanton!" exclaimed a citizen.

"Slippery, slippery boy," said Nephrite. "You should have ended yourself quickly instead of coming all the way to this bridge."

"Just let me die!" begged Melvin.

"No," said Nephrite. He teleported away with Melvin.

* * *

"Alright, kid," said Nephrite. "I'm just going to sit here and watch you for the next eight hours or until you reach the peak of your energy."

"What does that mean?" asked Melvin.

"Don't worry about it," said Nephrite. "But when you do, I'll end you for good. Deal?"

"No," said Melvin. "I want to be ended now."

He threw another punch at Nephrite, but Nephrite absorbed it.

"Sorry, but you can't always get what you want," said Nephrite. "If you want to write a will or something, now would be the time."

"No," said Melvin. "I'm going to end myself now."

He threw himself into a wall, headfirst.

"Stop that," said Nephrite.

Melvin went in for another throw.

"I said stop," said Nephrite, walking over and dragging Melvin away from the wall.

Melvin waited until Nephrite blinked, and pulled out a plastic fork and tried to shove it into his neck.

But Nephrite caught it and burnt the fork in his palm.

"Try again," said Nephrite.

"No," repeated Melvin. "But I will write that will. I will give everything to Molly."

"She doesn't want your garbage," said Nephrite.

"Lies," said Melvin. "Let me write it down, come on!"

"Alright," said Nephrite. "But don't try anything funny."

As soon as Nephrite handed Melvin the pen, he tried to stab it into his neck.

"You fiend!" howled Nephrite, burning the pen.

Melvin threw himself at the wall again.

"You're insane!" shouted Nephrite.

Nephrite took Melvin away from the wall again.

"Okay, okay," resigned Melvin. "I'll sit still if you let me have my last meal."

"Nothing with forks or knives," said Nephrite.

"Okay," said Melvin. "I'll have French fries."

"Odd choice," said Nephrite. "But I don't think you can kill yourself with them, so here."

Nephrite teleported in a dish of French fries, because he wouldn't dare leave Melvin alone again.

"Mmm, good fries," said Melvin. "But not the best."

"Shut up," said Nephrite. "Don't those fries make you not want to die?"

"No," said Melvin. "Maybe if they were a bit better."

"I'm not gonna miss you," said Nephrite.

"Where's my ketchup?" demanded Melvin.

"Knock yourself out," said Nephrite, handing him a ketchup bottle.

"Thanks," said Melvin.

That's when he squirted the ketchup right into Nephrite's eyes and dashed out the door.

"NO!" yelled Nephrite.

He took off into the hall, but Melvin was nowhere to be seen.

"That kid's IQ is too high," said Nephrite. "I can't keep up."

He teleported back to the bridge.

"On second thought," said Nephrite. "Not that high if he comes here again."

20 minutes later, Melvin appeared and leapt the fence to the edge.

"How did you disappear?" asked Nephrite.

"I hid under the rug," shrugged Melvin.

"Smart boy," said Nephrite. "But you're not making it off this edge."

Melvin leapt off the bridge.

"Dumb kid," said Nephrite, warping him back up without moving.

Melvin tried again, but Nephrite took him away.

"Sad," said Nephrite. "Even in the end, you did the same thing and went back to the same bridge."

"Wrong," said Melvin. "It's a 10 minute run to get there."

"But it took you 20 minutes," said Nephrite.

"Yes," said Melvin, with a dangerous look in his eyes.

"What are you-"

Melvin pulled out a gun. "You shouldn't have stood between me and the afterlife," he said, pointing it at Nephrite.

"Woah, take it easy there, kid," said Nephrite.

"I'll see you in hell!" screeched Melvin, firing the gun at Nephrite multiple times.

Nephrite did not move but the bullets bounced off of him.

Melvin adjusted his bifocals.

"I thought this would happen," he said with an arrogant smile.

He pointed the gun to his own head and waited.

"Don't do it," said Nephrite.

Melvin pulled the trigger, and Nephrite didn't stop him.

Melvin was no more.

Nephrite shrugged. "I'll just get a new person at their peak tomorrow. This was stupid."

* * *

Melvin floated upwards, and began connecting to the big computer in the sky.

"I'm free!" he said. "I'm free!"

Suddenly, his server went down.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Melvin.


	185. Trash Pt 4

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"What is it?" asked Beryl.

"Actually, as you may have noticed when you looked at the calendar this morning, it's that time of year again!"

"October?" asked Beryl.

"No," said Jadeite. "It's the one- I mean TWO year anniversary of the story!"

"What story?" asked Beryl. "Do you mean your story? If so, I can end that story very quickly, and with a bad ending with no chance of an epilogue."

"Beryl, you goofball," said Jadeite. "Many things have changed but you've remained consistent!"

All three Shitennou walked in like it was some kind of special.

"What is this?" said Jadeite. "Some kind of jamboree?"

"No," said Nephrite. "It's Australian rules!"

"Oooh!" said Jadeite. "I've been meaning to ask what that meant! This looks like the perfect time to tell me!"

"You either know it or you don't," said Nephrite. "Sadly you'll just never understand."

"This isn't the time for fun and games, or even goofy banter. Queen Beryl, I have a complaint," said Kunzite.

"Better not be about me," said Nephrite.

"No," said Kunzite. "Queen Beryl, I have thoroughly studied the story, and it appears chapter production is lower this year than it was last!"

"Yes," said Jadeite. "But quality has gone up by 300%. Quality over quantity, as I always say."

"No!" said Nephrite. "That's what I always say! You tried to get energy from 100 people, while I get it from one!"

"You're right," realized Jadeite. "We need more chapters! It doesn't matter if they're bad, as long as we get them out! That's how Dragon Ball Super does it, and they have fanboys that would die defending them!"

"I wish we had fans," said Beryl. "But no one comments on our stories! People only comment on the usual Silver Millennium spiel, and OC paloozas."

"We get some comments, very nice ones in fact," argued Zoisite. "Quality over quantity. On other stories, you'll see 100 comments from the same person, who's probably a guest account AKA the author!"

"Speaking of OC's," said Nephrite. "I just hate them. Especially when they're in the description of the story. 'Mamoru Chiba and Jimmy are searching for clues after Tasha's disappearance.' For one, why would Mamoru Chiba have friends with American names? Two, how are we supposed to know who Jimmy is?! How would that draw us in?!"

"I'm not sure," said Beryl. "That's why I stick to Wattpad."

"What pad?" said Zoisite.

Beryl shook her head. "It's past your generation."

"Anyway," said Jadeite. "As per tradition, it's time to dump trash in someone's house. It doesn't matter who, and it doesn't matter why. But hopefully I'll get some energy."

"I can only hope so," said Beryl.

"Wait, Queen Beryl," said Zoisite. "Tell Jadeite to let me tag along!"

"No way," said Jadeite. "I work alone!"

"All the Shitennou do," said Beryl. "Except for that time Zoisite and Kunzite teamed up, and then Zoisite died. So I recommend you continue to work alone."

"I can get energy too!" said Zoisite. "I've just never tried it! Surely I can think of something better than Jadeite's terrible plans, and Nephrite's terrible single plan. I'm a lot smarter than those two!"

"You do have a point," considered Beryl.

"Fine!" said Jadeite. "Then, can I go search for the Silver Crystal?"

"No," said Beryl. "Just touching that will kill you."

Jadeite frowned.

"Whelp, Jadeite, are we heading out?" asked Zoisite.

"No," said Jadeite. "You ruined it. I'm taking this one off."

"Suit yourself!" said Zoisite. "Kunzite, do you wanna come?"

"Sorry," said Kunzite. He left it at that.

* * *

Zoisite arrived at Crown Arcade, hauling two trash cans.

"This is it, Zoisite," he said. "My big debut."

He dumped one trash can at the front door.

"Heh heh heh," he said.

"Halt!" yelled a voice.

Zoisite spun around, and let out a laugh.

"Just who I was waiting for!" said Zoisite. "I've charged up your beam beforehand. Catch!"

Zoisite tossed the Motoki beam at Motoki, but to his absolute awe and terror, Motoki did in fact catch the beam.

He disposed of it.

"W-w-what's going on here?!" demanded Zoisite. "Is this some kind of trick?! Is this Jadeite in disguise, or some kind of hologram?! We have Youmas that can take your exact form!"

"No," said Motoki, in a chilling tone. "I've let this go on for too long."

Motoki blew a conch shell, and the Crown Arcade employees across the globe appeared.

"There are many branches of Crown Arcade," Zoisite noted. "I thought it was a standalone."

An orange man stood at the front.

"This is my stand-in, orange man with glasses and a brown beard," stated Motoki. "He replaced me during the Reika chronicles. You remember those, don't you?" asked Motoki bitterly.

"Vaguely," said Zoisite. "You're one of seven."

"I wasn't one of them," said Motoki. "But my Reika is."

"Boo hoo," said Zoisite. "Ready to clean up some trash, buddy boy?"

"ATTACK!" screamed Motoki.

Motoki fell back, but the army advanced.

They began throwing themselves like projectiles, more ragdoll that person. The physics didn't even look right.

Zoisite increased his speed stat, and did many amazing flips, like that one time when he escaped Tuxedo Mask in the drawing episode.

Several Crown Arcade workers were killed simply by the recoil of throwing themselves like a ragdoll at such intense velocities.

Zoisite threw a crystal, taking out one, but 50 took its place.

"Looks like they're still arriving. Some are late," noted Zoisite.

Zoisite bit his thumb and looked upset. "I'm not used to combat like this at all," he said. "Or any combat. If I ever did come to blows with someone, I would slowly pick away at them, and drop their endurance. But this mob has infinite endurance, and mass numbers. I'm not used to plowing down multiple enemies!"

Zoisite fired another beam, and ten went flying in the beam and were dead before they left the beam.

"AHHHH!" screamed Motoki as he witnessed this.

Zoisite spotted Motoki's location from this shout, and threw a crystal right for his heart, knowing that if he was defeated the crowd would lose formation.

But suddenly, a random employee leapt in the way, and took the blow, dying.

Motoki retreated back into the shadows.

Zoisite started charging up a powerful fire attack, but someone ran up and socked him, and Zoisite leapt to the sky.

He stood on top of a skyscraper, since it took many minutes to charge his fire attack.

A couple employees ran in the building and starting climbing the stairs, but there were just too many flights.

The wild crowd at the bottom was losing control.

They were leaping up and throwing punches at the air, just to try and get a couple extra inches.

But Zoisite was unfortunately thousands of feet in the air.

Finally, he finished the fire attack, and threw it at the crowd, taking out one third.

"If only that worked on regular Sailor Moon," he said.

Zoisite considered charging another fire attack, but it would take too long.

Looking down, he saw that the feral crowd was starting to scale the building, by throwing themselves into the wall and more people climbing on top of them.

"Barbarians," said Zoisite.

Suddenly, the roof door swung open, and a man let out a shriek.

Zoisite gasped, and the man tackled him off the edge of the building and all the way down to the ground.

Zoisite gained his bearings and turned to petals halfway down the fall like he did against Bonboo.

The man instantly died from the fall, and actually killed two people he landed on.

Zoisite appeared in the back of the crowd, and started throwing petals, but it had no effect.

He turned the petals into needles, greatly injuring one man.

But 30 took his place.

Zoisite had to go max power, and shot glowing explosive petals into the pack like he did in Tuxedo Melvin's episode.

Several were killed, but several got even more riled up.

As he was struggling to hold back the rowdy crowd, he was surprised to see they had formed a circle around him.

"You're planning to all jump on top of me at once, huh?" said Zoisite. "I'll just teleport away, ya know, and you'll all die from recoil!"

But that's when the first boss stepped forward. The tan man, Motoki's substitute.

He pounded his chest and let out a roar like the Chewbacca.

He took off his Crown Arcade apron, and threw a wild punch at Zoisite faster than Zoisite would have thought from a substitute.

Zoisite slid to the side, and the man threw a left hook.

Zoisite dodged again, but suddenly a kick came flying his way, nailing him right in the chops.

The crowd let out a savage battle howl, and Zoisite's face was scratched like the time he fought Makoto.

"I'm too cocky," said Zoisite. "Underestimating humans. They are mighty creatures when driven."

Zoisite threw a mighty punch, and the orange man tried to block.

But he was tossed, and just suffered too much damage to live.

Motoki put him out of his misery.

Motoki then sent in wave 2.

"Avenge our fellow comrade!" he shouted.

The crowd had a new wave of determination, and all threw themselves at Zoisite again.

Zoisite was in a hot sweat by now, but was still plowing through the crowd.

That's when he instinctually ducked, and saw a crowbar zip over his head.

"No!" he cried. "They've evolved and are starting to use weapons!"

He turned and saw various Crown Arcade employees holding various weapons, ranging from golf clubs to hedge clippers.

One held a giant mallet, and another a machine gun.

"Zoi!" yelled Zoisite desperately.

A giant geyser of petals erupted, lifting the weapon bearers off their feet and into the air.

Once they were ten feet up, they dropped their weapons, and Zoisite let them free, only to blast them down with a beam.

One ran up and threw a kick at his head, but Zoisite grabbed his foot, and threw him into three other people, killing all four.

That's when someone got a lucky slug, and Zoisite had to end him.

A foe charged with the giant mallet he picked back up, and Zoisite killed him.

But it was only a decoy, and suddenly Zoisite found his arms pinned back by another man.

He was in none other than a full nelson, and 20 men ran up and threw punches at his exposed torso.

That's when Zoisite saw the familiar light of headlights, and stared up like a deer in headlights.

He saw a giant van flying towards him, plowing through the crowd and killing many.

Zoisite focused his eyes, and saw that in the driver's seat was none other than Motoki's sister, who was willing to sacrifice many lives to get rid of Zoisite.

The van closed in, and the people holding him in a full nelson loosened their grip in hesitation.

Zoisite leapt up at rapid speeds, almost instantaneously, and the car killed everyone that had been holding him.

"Where did he go?!" screamed Motoki's sister, looking in both her mirrors. "The sacrifices will not be in vain!"

Suddenly Motoki's sister's van was lifted off the ground by none other than Zoisite.

Several men body-slammed into Zoisite, but he was like a wall, and didn't lose his footing.

He threw the van with all his might into the big C in the Crown Arcade sign.

The van exploded.

"That's the end of her," said Zoisite.

But to everyone's shock, an unrecognizable figure crawled out of the inferno.

"It's not over," she croaked, and Zoisite was out of energy and terrified.

But that's when Motoki walked over and put his sister out of her misery.

"Hey," said Zoisite spotting Motoki.

He threw multiple crystals at the leader, but several men leapt in line, and each took a crystal to the heart.

Motoki vanished yet again.

Zoisite decided it was time to go all out, because if he reserved anymore energy he wouldn't have enough to finish the bosses.

Zoisite floated ten feet in the air, and waited there.

The crowd soon filled in the gap he had left, and were howling and screaming and leaping into the air.

Zoisite started spawning crystals by the dozen, and shooting them down at the mob. He was farming them like one would farm bit coins, or a cash crop.

The mob was smarter than Zoisite expected, however, and began flinging each other upward to reach him.

One got a hold of his foot and started pulling him down into the pack of angry wolves.

But Zoisite violently swung his foot, and the man went flying and exploded when he hit the ground.

Zoisite fired several beams, taking out several rows, but suddenly he saw a man fly into the air.

The figure blocked out the moon like a cloud, and then flew down on him, throwing the strongest overhead mallet punch in the history of overhead mallet punches.

Zoisite's eyes widened at Motoki's resolve.

Zoisite was spiked to the ground like a volleyball, and 20 men threw themselves on top of him.

But suddenly a bright light shot out like a beacon, and then light shot through all the openings.

That's when all the men were tossed off, and Zoisite arose.

Five men jumped at him in a perfect V formation, but Zoisite extended his arm and put them in a red bubble. He sent it flying off into the sky, and then released it, and they all dropped to their deaths. Interestingly, they were all dead before they hit the ground.

He spawned two large crystals and started swinging them like swords.

Out of the corner of his eye, he heard galloping.

"Galloping?" he wondered.

Reika came riding in valiantly on a horse, holding a jousting stick.

Reika's steed zipped past Zoisite, but when Zoisite saw the horse in front of him, Reika used her height advantage to swing her jousting stick like one would swing a golf club, and Zoisite was knocked to the ground.

The horse road off into the distance, but then Zoisite saw the familiar cloud of smoke reappear, and the horse came riding back in, this time attempting to run over Zoisite.

Zoisite leapt back, and countered the jousting stick with his swinging crystal.

The horse almost lost balance, but Reika did another U-turn and came back for another run-by.

Zoisite readied his twin blades, and right when the horse approached, Zoisite swung his left one, injuring the horse's leg.

Then, he leapt up and swung his right crystal, but Reika countered, and they were locked in a heated push contest.

"I hate these!" said Zoisite.

Neither one was giving up, so Zoisite put all his divine power in his crystal and it lit up.

Reika knew she was gonzo, so she leapt off the horse.

Zoisite swung his light crystal, shooting out a wave and killing Reika.

The horse let out a roar, and leapt back on its hind legs.

It threw a hoof punch straight into Zoisite's stomach, making him spit.

Then, the horse did a leaping jumping kick, but Zoisite grabbed its leg and swung it, throwing the horse into 20 people, instantly killing all.

He reeled for a minute. "I shouldn't have underestimated the horse," he said. "But come on!"

The injured crowd was lacking morale, so Zoisite took this opportunity to end them.

Zoisite shot his final attack, instantly killing every single person but expending large amounts of energy.

"It's over," said Zoisite. "I wonder where that Motoki slipped off to."

Zoisite picked up the trashcan and limped over to the Crown Arcade.

He shattered the window with a telepathic beam.

"I should have used some of those," said Zoisite. "It worked pretty good on Greg."

Zoisite grabbed the trashcan, walked to the dead center of the arcade, and got ready to dump.

That's when Motoki leapt out from inside an arcade machine, and threw a wild dropkick, sending Zoisite flying, and causing the trashcan to drop on the ground without spilling.

"Hey," said Zoisite. "You have a lot of nerve! Sending that army to fight instead of you, despicable! Sadly I'll have to end you like your sister and your wife, and your wife's horse! And that tan man! All who suffered sad deaths."

"Heh," said Motoki. "They died for a good cause. Don't you get it? Now I can finally take you out!"

"As if," laughed Zoisite. "Say hello to your old friend, Mr. Beam!"

Zoisite fired the infamous Motoki beam, and there was a bright light.

But when it dimmed, Motoki was still standing in place.

"Impossible," said Zoisite. "Am I really that weakened?!"

"No," said Motoki, in a crazed tone. "I sold my apartment in order to make this battle suit that repels against all of your known attacks."

"Yeah right," said Zoisite. Zoisite readied a crystal behind Motoki, and then continued to talk to stall him. "You've never even seen this move I'm about to use," said Zoisite. "In fact I don't know how you could have seen any of my attacks other than the beam."

"I have my resources," chuckled Motoki.

That's when Zoisite launched a crystal from behind Motoki, right at his neck.

But it shattered against his solid armor.

"Uh oh," said Zoisite. "If… if you could do that, why did you have ten men leap in the way and tank crystals for you?!"

But Motoki was too blood-lusted.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!" he screamed, letting out an ear-shattering battle cry and bumbling toward Zoisite.

Zoisite shot out a generic dark energy wave while yelling "Zoi!" but it passed over Motoki like a gust of wind.

Motoki grabbed Zoisite by the face, and threw him into a wall.

He didn't let go of his grip however, and continued to drag him along the wall, creating a large trail.

Zoisite tried to break free but could not.

Motoki did a triple spin, and threw Zoisite into an arcade machine, where he exploded.

Zoisite climbed to his feet.

"Youch," he said. "That stung. But good thing you just have regular human strength!"

"Wrong," said Motoki. "I just dragged you through a wall."

Zoisite tried another beam, but Motoki batted it away, blowing up the nearby business "Crown Parlor."

"I still have more tricks up my sleeve!" said Zoisite.

He shot petals at the aproned hooligan, but Motoki pressed a button on his suit.

The Crown Arcade fan system turned on, blowing the petals right back at Zoisite.

He had to leap aside to dodge.

That's when Motoki appeared behind him, and threw a quick elbow to Zoisite's spine, tossing him across the room.

Zoisite skidded across the ground like a skipping stone, doing several bounces, and then hitting a wall.

He climbed to his feet yet again. "This… this is nothing!" he said.

He shot more dark energy but nothing happened.

He needed time to charge up his fire attack.

Zoisite shot up a geyser of petals around Motoki, yelling, "Zoi!"

The petals kerfuffled Motoki, and Motoki started swinging at them like a confused man.

This gave Zoisite 5 minutes to charge up his fire attack.

Motoki tried turning on the fans but it only filled the room.

Finally the fans managed to clear the petals, but Zoisite let loose his powerful fire attack, blowing up the whole Crown Arcade forever.

There was a huge explosion, that could be visible from space, and when the smoke cleared, Motoki was unscathed.

"Drat," said Zoisite. "That was my last attack. I have to come up with something creative, fast!"

But he simply was never given the opportunity.

Motoki threw a super-enhanced sucker punch, sending Zoisite flying out of the rubble and crashing into the top of the Starlight Tower, several miles away.

Motoki did a mighty leap and appeared in front of him.

"This is it," said Zoisite. "For YOOOUUUUU!"

Zoisite spawned a Negaportal, and threw himself wildly at Motoki, putting all his last hopes into a body slam.

"I didn't calculate Zoisite using a direct attack," said Motoki. "All my calculations were off."

Motoki got tossed into the portal, and Zoisite closed it.

Then he dropped to his knees.

"Woooo," he said. "Now I see why I leave the energy gathering to Jadeite and Nephrite. This is not for me, no siree."

* * *

Queen Beryl was sitting on her throne, and Kunzite, Nephrite, and Jadeite were flocked around her, watching OK K.O. on her crystal ball.

"That pink-haired girl's cute," said Jadeite. "I wish they'd show her more."

"Shut up," said Nephrite. "I watch this show for the cliché comedy."

That's when Motoki fell out of the sky, landing on Queen Beryl's crystal ball and shattering it.

Queen Beryl screeched at the bright light shooting out of the remains of her crystal ball, and quickly retreated to the ground.

"Hey," said Jadeite. "I was watching that."

But that's when Motoki threw a punch, tossing Jadeite.

"AHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Motoki. He threw a second punch, and Nephrite blocked it, but he still skidded all the way across the room in his defensive position.

"You're no match for the Nega-" chanted Kunzite.

That's when a knee hit his jaw, and he was sent flying into a stalactite.

"Where's that crowd when you need them?" wondered Jadeite.

But before anyone could say anything, Motoki punched the ground, sending several spikes flying out in all directions.

Nephrite started hopping across them, but that's when Kunzite on a stalactite fell down, taking them both to the floor.

Nephrite leapt out of the smoke, and yelled, "Starlight Attack!"

But Motoki leapt to the side.

Jadeite ran up and shot lightning out of his palms, short-circuiting the suit since it was only designed to protect against Zoisite's attacks.

Kunzite put the area in a dark energy wave, causing them all to be inside his own dark space.

"You are powerless here," stated Kunzite.

"No," said Motoki.

He threw a punch, but it was reflected off Kunzite's solid skin.

Kunzite grabbed his arm, and then with his other hand, blasted Motoki to the great beyond.

"Farewell," said Motoki, as he rode up in a beam to heaven with the first genuine smile in his life.

Motoki closed his eyes and him and the beam became eternal.

Nephrite looked around.

"So, who unleashed that mighty beast on us when we were just trying to watch OK K.O.?" asked Nephrite.

Zoisite teleported in hesitantly.

"Is he gone?" he said.

"Wow," said Nephrite. "Sad attempt to take me out."

"Huh?" said Zoisite. "He gave you trouble? I thought the four of you could handle him, plus that whole mob that stands there."

"They weren't here today," said Kunzite. "And Beryl fled instantly. Also he seemed to have some sort of tech suit."

"Yes," said Zoisite, still very injured. "It was awful, but at least that's the last we'll see of the Furuhata family."

A dropkick hit Zoisite in the face out of nowhere, from none other than Motoki's mom.

Kunzite instantly launched a flurry of boomerangs, and she was sliced to pieces.

"Heh," said Kunzite. "That settles that."

But Motoki's mom stood back up, and spit on the ground like a cocky teen.

"That all you got, tough one?" scoffed Motoki's mom.

Nephrite threw a punch, breaking all her bones, but she held her ground.

Jadeite shot lightning, blasting her to pieces, and her pieces to bits.

Just to make sure, he shot her again, turning her to a pile of ash.

But against all odds, Motoki's mom got to her feet.

Everyone gasped, and took a step back in fear.

Zoisite limped away and fled, and Nephrite did too.

"You won't flee, right?" asked Kunzite to Jadeite.

"Mmm," said Jadeite. "I want to see how this plays out."

Motoki's mom threw a wild punch, and Kunzite ended her.

"That determination…" he said in awe.

They waited for twenty minutes, but to Kunzite's shock, she stood back up.

Kunzite had no choice but to flee, and Jadeite was the only one to remain.

"HOW?!" he demanded. "HOW?! You're just a human!"

Motoki's mom was no longer recognizable, and not classified as a living organism.

Nonetheless, she threw a jumping kick, and Jadeite fled.

Beryl's throne room was quarantined, and no one set foot in it ever again.

FIN

* * *

 **A/N: Wowee, it's been two years! Thanks everyone who has been reading this awesome story! :D**


	186. The Shitennou Make an Anime

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Ok," said Beryl without any emotion.

Jadeite waited, and then he continued. "In Japan, there is a popular form of media called anime. The people seem to invest immense amounts of time watching this so-called anime, along with collecting shounen manga."

"I see," said Beryl.

"Yes," continued Jadeite. "And I have taken it upon myself to study this 'anime,' by watching the best shows that it has to offer."

Nephrite and Co. couldn't help but interrupt.

"Oh really?" said Nephrite, stepping out of the large pack of Youmas. "I doubt your taste in anime is a good one."

"That's where you're wrong," said Jadeite. "I studied polls on the internet of most-watched anime for ages 10-12, so I think I know what I'm talking about."

"You probably haven't watched an anime in your life," said Kunzite. "You only think you have."

"Oh yeah?" said Jadeite, getting angry. "Well, I was talking to Beryl, so how about you mind your own business."

Jadeite turned back to Beryl but the others stood behind him.

"Queen Beryl," continued Jadeite. "I started my anime journey with the best anime ever, SAO."

Suddenly the other Shitennou broke into a loud guffaw.

"Sword Art Online?!" asked Zoisite, crying from laughter. "So you're saying you don't watch anime."

"What are you talking about?" said Jadeite. "SAO is an anime!"

"No," said Nephrite. "I think that's a cartoon."

"It was animated in Japan, it's an anime!" yelled Jadeite.

"Pokemon is more of an anime than SAO," said Kunzite. "And Pokemon is a cartoon."

"Actually," said Nephrite. "Pokemon is in fact an anime. However the same isn't true about SAO."

"You guys are crazy!" said Jadeite. "SAO is the best! If you don't think so, you must not have watched the entire thing!"

"I've read all the light novels," said Nephrite. "Bad show."

Jadeite was in shock. "Next you're going to say Tokyo Ghoul isn't an anime!"

"Tokyo Ghoul isn't an anime," said Kunzite. "It's just a show young kids who don't watch anime watch."

"It's for teenagers and adults!" cried Jadeite. "And it also has the best OP ever! I don't have to defend Tokyo Ghoul to you!"

"Wait," said Zoisite. "Let me guess. You watch Attack on Titan."

"No," lied Jadeite.

"Sad," said Zoisite. "How about One Piece?"

"One Piece is the best!" blurted out Jadeite before he could stop himself.

"Fake anime fans are the worst," said Nephrite. "An anime isn't an anime unless it has harem and ecchi. And lots of fan service. Which all your shows lack!"

"Well," said Kunzite. "I don't think it would necessarily have to have harem…"

"I hate those kinds of animes," said Zoisite. "It's the same plot over and over. Also I'm gay."

"Exactly," said Nephrite. "You wouldn't understand."

"I like tear-jerker animes like Clannad," said Zoisite.

"The only thing sad about Clannad is how bad it is," said Nephrite.

"What?!" cried Zoisite. "I bet you never watched it! I cried for ten years after I finished it! Right Kunzite?"

"He did cry for ten years," said Kunzite. "However I prefer the horror category with terrifying shows like Corpse Party and Another."

"Those aren't scary," said Nephrite sadly. "Those are a jokefest! I couldn't stop laughing when that girl got thrown into a wall!"

"You're just trying to sound cool," said Kunzite. "I bet you couldn't watch all of Corpse Party at 3AM!"

"I played all of Corpse Party at 3AM," replied Nephrite.

Kunzite was in awe. "Some guts you have, young man."

"Can you talk about this somewhere else? I'm trying to get Queen Beryl to watch SAO here," said Jadeite.

"You know what's even sadder than Clannad?" said Zoisite. "Angel Beats. So sad."

"I laughed during that one too," said Nephrite. "I let out a good chuckle at how hastily put together it was."

"Take that back!" cried Zoisite, getting upset.

"My favorite anime is actually Steven Universe," admitted Kunzite.

"Not an anime," said Nephrite. "And the fanbase is CAAAAANCEEEER!"

"Wrong," said Kunzite. "It's more of an anime than SAO!"

"Leave me alone," said Jadeite. "It's a good show."

"Yes, for a 12-year-old," said Zoisite. "Now Nephrite, let's get back to how you're incapable of feeling emotion!"

"Nope," said Nephrite. "The only thing sad about Angel Beats was when they tried to put music in it."

"What?!" yelled Zoisite. "I downloaded the OST and I listen to it every other weekend!"

"Guys, guys," said Queen Beryl. "The only good anime is Toradora."

Even Jadeite laughed at this one.

"Bad show," the Shitennou unanimously agreed.

"What is this?!" said Beryl. "Are you being sarcastic? It's not funny."

"I'm sorry m'queen," said Kunzite. "But Toradora is bad. Is it the first show you've ever watched?"

"No-," began Beryl, but then she frowned. "Maybe. But that doesn't mean anything."

Nephrite pulled out a pen and a notepad and wrote up a prescription for Beryl for 3 seasons of High School DxD.

He handed it to her.

"You're welcome," he said.

"Nephrite," said Beryl. "I'm not a lesbian."

"That's okay," said Nephrite. "People only watch High School DxD for the plot."

"Terrible show," said Zoisite. "Too many women. No plot."

"Good fight scenes though," said Kunzite.

"You guys really think I should watch it?" asked Beryl. "I don't have that much free time, so…"

"Don't listen to them," said Jadeite. "Watch SAO! It's not for little American boys, I promise!"

"Why would little American boys watch it?" asked Beryl.

"Because it's not an anime," said the Shitennou in unison.

"Check your dictionaries!" shouted Jadeite. "I'm leaving."

Jadeite stormed off.

"Wait!" called Zoisite but he was gone.

"D'ah," said Zoisite. "I was gonna ask him if he watches Hero Academia."

* * *

Jadeite stood in the animation studio he had taken over.

He was wearing Japanese glasses and a visor.

"Keep up the good work, everyone," he said.

That's when Melvin walked in.

"Why'd you call me here?" asked Melvin.

"Ah, Melvin my boy!" said Jadeite. "You're a hormonal teenager! If you were to watch an anime, what would it be?"

"A harem/ecchi of course," said Melvin. "Is that even a question? I have every single manga and light novel for every single harem/ecchi ever made. Even obscure ones! I have two rooms in my house dedicated to it."

"Smart boy," said Jadeite. "Thanks for the advice, now scram!"

"Phew," said Melvin. "I thought you were going to make me animate."

"Actually," realized Jadeite. "You're a nerdboy, right?"

Melvin leapt out the window.

"D'ah," said Jadeite.

Suddenly the other Shitennou appeared.

"Jadeite, what are you doing?" asked Nephrite.

"Ah," said Jadeite. "I'm using anime to take people's energy! That's where I was going earlier, but you never let me finish telling my plan."

"I took over an anime studio once," said Nephrite. "But I never thought to make the anime itself drain energy. Very clever."

"What kind of anime are you making?" asked Zoisite.

"A harem/ecchi. I want it to be good like SAO," said Jadeite. "That way everyone will watch it so I will get the max amount of energy."

"No," said Nephrite. "No one watches SAO."

"Yes they do!" laughed Jadeite. "It's top trending on MyAnimeList!"

"That's proof that it's bad," said Kunzite. "Anything that's that popular is probably not that good."

"That doesn't make any sense," said Jadeite.

"You just don't get it, do you boy?" said Nephrite. "SAO is not good."

"Opinion!" argued Jadeite.

"Only non-anime fans watch SAO," said Kunzite. "Just accept it."

"No," said Jadeite. "Many of the biggest anime fans have SAO at the top of their fave list!"

"Then they're not real anime fans!" said Nephrite, getting frustrated.

"Look, Jed," said Zoisite. "You need to come to terms with the truth. Anything on MyAnimeList top 10 is not going to be good. It's the way of the world. It's just like how all little boys like FNAF because they think it's cool, which creates a false image of it being the best thing ever, when in fact it's actually not that good. Same goes for SAO. Idiots say it's good so idiots think it's good."

"I hate to say this, but Zoisite made a good point," said Nephrite.

"I am the smartest," said Zoisite.

"What's your favorite part of SAO, Jadeite?" asked Kunzite.

Jadeite opened his mouth but said nothing. "The ecchi," he finally said.

"So you only like it for the ecchi?" said Nephrite. "But it has no ecchi."

"Wrong," said Jadeite. "At one point Asuna changed clothes. And I assume there are more ecchi scenes for it to get that category."

"Wait a minute," said Zoisite. "What do you mean you assume? Did you not even watch it?"

"Well, no," said Jadeite. "But I saw a vid where Kirito saw Asuna change clothes!"

"No wonder he thinks it's good!" said Nephrite with a wild grin. "He never watched it! He's an example of the average FNAF fanboy! HAHAHAHA!"

"Just let me make my anime!" yelled Jadeite.

"I can't in all good consciousness let you make another terrible show like SAO," said Kunzite. "We will help you, right boys?"

"I don't want your kind of help," said Jadeite.

"Don't worry," said Nephrite. "It will still be your show, but we'll just add some improvements."

"No!" yelled Jadeite. "I don't want help!"

"You want energy, don't you?" said Zoisite. "We'll help you get energy. It's simple."

Jadeite finally gave in and accepted their aid.

* * *

The head team sat at a long conference table to begin the script writing for the anime.

"Alright everyone," said Nephrite, stepping up to the hot seat. "We're going to make the best anime on Earth. Now to start off, let me just say one word."

Nephrite pressed a button, turning it to the next slide on the Power Point.

The only thing on the slide was "Fan Service," in huge letters.

"Now some of you might be wondering," said Nephrite. "How do we subtly add fan service? Well, if you're asking that, you have it wrong. I made this chart to demonstrate our fan service to plot ratio."

Nephrite turned the slide, and a pie chart came up.

Motoki raised his hand. "Uh… there's only one color on the pie chart."

"Exactly," said Nephrite. "There will 100% fan service and 0% plot. Any more questions?"

"Shouldn't we have light novels to get the source material from?" asked Kenji.

"We won't have light novels, but we should definitely try to find some source material," said Nephrite. "We don't want another Angel Beats."

Zoisite raised his hand in objection but Nephrite didn't call on him.

"Next point, as for the level of the fan service, I have crafted this ecchi chart. As you can see, at the extreme end is so-called hentai. We want to get as close to that as possible, without ever touching the line. Now on the very left extreme is SAO, which has no ecchi."

Jadeite raised his hand but was not called on.

"I hope we understand why it's important to avoid this," concluded Nephrite. "That is all."

"I have some critique with your strategy," said Zoisite. "I think we should have as little straight male fan service as possible. It sets the demographic to only straight males."

"That is the demographic we are targeting," said Nephrite.

"Well, think about any girls or gay men who would want to watch an anime!" said Zoisite.

"Well, they can go to hell," said Nephrite. "We don't want those kinds of viewers."

"You're unnecessarily limited your audience," said Zoisite. "I think we should make a show like Angel Beats that is for all audiences, and has neutral romance. And also a sad undertone."

"If we want a sad undertone, we wouldn't stick to Angel Beats," said Nephrite. "Very sub-par sadness."

"I can't work with you," said Zoisite. "You won't take any of my suggestions."

"Guys," said Kunzite. "I think we need to make a horror anime. One even scarier than Corpse Party, but not too much scarier!"

"Why do you even watch Corpse Party?" demanded Nephrite. "They go out of their way to make attractive females."

"I don't watch it for that," said Kunzite. "I watch it for the spooks."

"Ride a roller coaster or something," said Nephrite. "You don't need an anime for that."

"If I could intervene," said Jadeite. "Let's make a fighting anime. Like Attack on Titan!"

"You guys are trying to bring us down from every angle," said Nephrite.

"I have an idea," said Grandpa. "Since you boys can't seem to get along, you should divide up the anime. Each of you makes three episodes."

"That would be incredibly disjointed," said Jadeite. "But I like it."

"Who will make the OVA?" asked Kunzite.

"First we need good sales," said Motoki.

"If we do have an OVA, I think we should leave it to Grandpa, Motoki, and Kenji," said Nephrite.

"Let's make an anime about friendship!" said Motoki.

Nephrite killed Motoki.

"He's useless to us," said Nephrite. "We just need a couple characters now, and then we can all make our sections. Any name ideas?"

"Kirito," suggested Jadeite.

"Shut up," said Nephrite.

"Asuna," suggested Jadeite.

"Jadeite," said Nephrite. He said nothing else, but gave Jadeite the look. "Alright, we'll think of the MC's name later. But for now let's just name him MC."

"What does MC stand for?" asked Jadeite.

"Main character," said Nephrite, rolling his eyes.

"Can we have a female main character?" asked Zoisite.

"No," said Nephrite. "We don't want to confuse the audience too much."

"That doesn't make any sense," said Zoisite, but Nephrite had moved on.

"Alright, our first character, the MH," said Nephrite. "The main heroine. She will be a tsundere."

"Now wait a second," said Zoisite. "What if we give her an original personality?"

"Sadly that just won't do," said Nephrite. "Anyway, will the MH be the loli, or will the loli be someone else?"

"Can we not have a loli?" asked Kunzite. "It's kind of awkward."

"Can we have all lolis?" asked Grandpa. "And the boys, too?"

"That doesn't exist," said Nephrite. "And no. I guess the loli will be the second character. The third character will of course be the MC's best friend, who's comic relief, and more likeable than the MC."

"Wait," said Kenji. "Shouldn't all characters be likeable?"

"No," said Nephrite. "Not the MC. He has to be as unlikeable as possible."

"That doesn't make any sense," said Zoisite.

"It's more relatable that way," shrugged Nephrite. "That's it for our male cast, now who else for the harem?"

"Ooh!" said Jadeite. "The idol!"

"That's the first good idea you've had all day," said Nephrite. "We'll think about it."

"The yandere!" volunteered Grandpa.

"Yes!" said Nephrite. "Yes! Yes!"

"And she should call the MC her husband prematurely!" added Grandpa.

"Finally someone is with us!" said Nephrite, catching a gidd. "What else?!"

"I think there's too many girls in this cast," said Zoisite. "Let's add the gay couple."

"Go away, queer," said Nephrite.

"The kuudere!" called Kenji.

"YES!" screamed Nephrite.

"And she should be really flat!" added Grandpa.

"YEEEEES!" screamed Nephrite. "And blue or gray hair, it doesn't matter! It just has to be light-colored!"

"Ok, I came up with a good one," said Zoisite.

"Sorry but the cast is full," said Nephrite. "There will be no other characters, not even side characters or one time characters. Only these people, and maybe a hot sensei who's too sexual with her students."

"But wouldn't that be illegal?" asked Kunzite.

"I think it's legal in Japan," said Nephrite.

"No," said Zoisite. "That's not how it works."

"Everyone complete your three episodes by next month," commanded Nephrite. "We'll split the animating team up into four. Farewell."

Nephrite left.

"Good luck, boys," said Grandpa. "I want to see how this one plays out. But right now I'm thinking Nephrite's arc is going to be the best."

* * *

The Shitennou worked long and hard on their sections.

The animators did the best they could with such short notice, and lack of detailed orders.

Luckily, their animating team was very big and they got the work done.

It was the night of the big screening, and everyone showed up in formal garb at the theater.

"I'm excited," said Grandpa.

"Yes," agreed Kenji. "I wonder who did the first arc."

"I swear, if it's Jadeite," said Nephrite.

"Heh heh," said Jadeite. "It appears we went in Shitennou order for this."

"Drat," said Nephrite. "You're going to bore everyone away from the show before it starts."

"Nope," said Jadeite. "Good anime viewers give it to the tenth episode to drop it."

"Honestly," said Nephrite. "I only watch the first 30 seconds, and that's the smartest way to do it."

The doors opened and Queen Beryl walked in.

"I'm here to see what you all have been up to," said Beryl.

"Uh oh," said Nephrite. "Queen Beryl, you should leave and return in 3 episodes. Jadeite's episodes are really going to be a bad introduction to the show."

"Nah," said Beryl. "I need the background."

"Yes!" said Jadeite. "And I have a lot of it! I watched the first episodes of 500 different animes and decided to pick the best way to start ours."

"Oh brother," said Nephrite.

"Quiet everyone," said Kunzite. "It's starting."

The anime began, and the OP was great.

"I wrote it," whispered Melvin.

The anime cracked off with a very intense fight scene.

"Oooh, this is actually good!" said Nephrite.

It lasted for ten minutes straight, but then suddenly it faded to black.

When it faded back in, it was a typical Japanese house.

"Hello," said a voice. "My name is MC. I'm 15 years old,"

"Wait," interrupted Nephrite, pausing the show. "Was that whole scene just a flashback that took place like 100 years before the start of the anime, that no one cares about and will only be referenced once or twice on the tenth episode of the show?"

"Uh, yeah," said Jadeite. "What better way to get someone's attention?"

"No, no, no!" said Nephrite.

The audience let out groans, agreeing with Nephrite.

"Jadeite," said Zoisite. "No one cares about a fight that happened before the start of the anime. If it's necessary, show it once someone actually brings it up instead of just showing us irrelevant junk that stays irrelevant for the majority of the show."

"Hey," argued Jadeite. "Lots of great shows do that. Actually, 1/5 of the 500 episodes I watched did that!"

"They're all stupid," said Nephrite.

"And you're stupid," added Kunzite.

Nephrite un-paused the show.

"Alright everyone, disregard that last 10 minutes until the tenth episode of the show," said Nephrite.

"Actually," said Kunzite. "Since we're all doing different parts, that flashback is never brought up again."

"Wow," said Nephrite. "Then disregard it completely."

"I attend high school here in town," continued the MC, walking to school.

The MC then went on to describe his generic town, and then describe in long detail about how his parents are never around.

"Come on, Jadeite," said Nephrite. "You didn't even have the MC have a cute little sister."

"You said there were no more characters," argued Jadeite.

"Well that would have been the exception," said Nephrite. "I forgot that when we were planning."

The MC continued to talk about some metaphor and say why he agreed or disagreed with it.

Beryl was already sound asleep.

Finally, the MC reached class.

"Alright, good," said Nephrite. "Time for some show."

But that's when the MC started his inner monologue again.

"This is my best friend, MC's best friend. We have known each other for as long as I can remember."

"Come on!" said Nephrite. "I don't care what this MC who I don't know anything about says. Just get to the show!"

But it didn't get to the show, and then the episode ended.

The next episode began, and the MC was still having some monologue.

Zoisite decided to sit outside until it ended.

He poked his head in and said, "Call me when the monologue ends!"

"Rude," said Jadeite.

Kunzite didn't bring in Zoisite until the start of the third episode.

"Alright, here we go!" said Zoisite.

But that's when the MC passed the MH in the hall, and there was a very long scene of them passing by each other.

"Is he going to talk to her?" asked Nephrite.

"Not yet," said Jadeite. "He will run into her again soon enough."

"What do you mean, soon?" asked Nephrite. "My episodes are about to start, and he still hasn't talked to anyone besides the MC's best friend and his mom. All he did was describe his life while it showed people walking down the street that were just randoms."

"You haven't seen a lot of anime, have you?" scoffed Jadeite.

The episode ended, and the MC still had not spoken to the MH.

"Good one," said Nephrite.

"I left it up to you guys to introduce the rest of the characters," explained Jadeite.

"Oh," said Nephrite. "Well I assumed they were already introduced by the FOURTH episode, so I didn't have any introductions."

"Oh," said Jadeite.

"I left it up to you to introduce the cast over THREE episodes, but you just let me down," sighed Nephrite. "Anyway, here are my three episodes."

The next episode of the anime started off with a pan of the MC's house, and it was a completely different house and a completely different animation style.

There was an alarm clock, and the MC hit the alarm clock.

"Oh boy, oh boy!" said the MC, with a different voice actor. "I'm ready for school!"

When he took off his covers, however, the MH was nude in his bed.

"AHHHHH!" yelled the MC. "What is this!? I told you not to come in here!"

"Huh?" asked the MH sleepily. "Oh, good morning MC."

"AHHHH, put some clothes on!" yelled the MC.

Jadeite paused the show.

"What is this?" he demanded. "The MC hasn't even talked to her yet, and in the next episode she's in his bed nude?!"

"Sorry," said Nephrite. "I think it flows pretty well, actually."

Nephrite pushed play and a girl walked in in a maid outfit carrying breakfast.

"Good morning, husband!" said the girl.

"Yandere, what are you doing here?!" screamed the MC.

"Yes!" said the MH in a fit of jealous rage. "Get out!"

But that's when two more girls came in, also in maid outfits.

"Hey, what are you guys doing here?" they all said.

Nephrite started laughing at this own material.

"You can't just write this stuff!" said Nephrite. "This is anime genius!"

"This scene is pointless," said Zoisite. "You could have easily left this out."

"It's world building," said Nephrite.

The rest of Nephrite's episodes continued as one would expect them to.

"AHHH!" screamed the MC in the shower. "How did you get in my house again?"

"You're the pervert looking at me nude!" cried the MH.

"Typical tsundere," said Nephrite to himself.

"No, I wasn't looking!" cried the MC. "I swear, I didn't see anything!"

Nephrite started laughing again.

"This is making me uncomfortable," said Zoisite. "I've never seen such classless material."

"Ah!" cried the loli slipping into someone's bust.

Kunzite covered Zoisite's eyes.

"Don't look," he said.

The next day at school, all the girls lost a bet and confessed their love.

"Wow," said the MC. "Who do I choose?"

Then it rolled into the credits.

"Wow," said Zoisite. "Bad show."

"Yes," said Jadeite. "There were too many panty shots, it was unrealistic. You should stick to a more SAO-based ecchi model."

"Shut up," said Nephrite. "It was perfect and everyone knows it."

Grandpa had passed out at episode 5 from how much his nose was bleeding, and Kenji was trying to keep a straight face.

"I'm gonna… uh… go to the bathroom," said Kenji.

"Well guys, here comes my episodes!" said Zoisite. "It's been a long build-up, but the show's about to get good!"

Episode 7 started.

"Why?" said the MC, standing over the corpses of all four girls in the rain. "NOOOO!" he cried, sobbing for a very long time.

That's when the MC's best friend who had been missing for three episodes walked up behind him.

"It's okay, my boy," he said. "Now we only have each other."

"What is this?!" demanded Nephrite. "Why would you kill the female cast?!"

"Sorry," said Zoisite. "But there had to be some casualties to make this a true tear-jerker."

"Zoisite, you fiend!" yelled Nephrite. "Where will the fan service be now?!"

But when he looked back at the screen, both the MC and his friend had their shirts off.

"How will I get over their losses?" asked the MC.

"Not to worry," said the MC's best friend. "You will just make new friends. Male friends perhaps."

Right on cue, an entire all-male cast came in.

Nephrite paused the show again, and then turned to Zoisite angrily.

"I told you no new characters," said Nephrite.

"I'm sorry," said Zoisite. "But the plot required it."

"There is one problem," continued the MC's best friend. "The disease will wipe out at least three fourths of us, but we don't know who."

The MC started sobbing for the fourth time that episode, and then there was a long shot of tears hitting pavement as sad music played.

"This is all it takes to make a sad show," explained Zoisite. "Very easy," he said wiping his eyes with a tissue.

"I don't wanna lose anyone else!" cried the MC.

But that's when the MC's best friend was shot by a shadow that was never explained.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled the MC. "I… I loved him as more than a friend! And now he's gone!"

The MC pulled out his blade that he got as a child, and then it was implied he killed himself because it would be too disgusting to show.

The last shot of Zoisite's last episode was the MC laying on the ground as the camera panned up and the saddest music yet played.

Nephrite paused it again.

"Zoisite," he said. "What the heck was that? You just made it so the show doesn't make sense anymore, since you killed all the characters and there's three more episodes!"

"Sorry," said Zoisite. "The show would not have had meaning if everyone lived, or if anyone lived."

"That was… pretty good," said Kunzite with a tissue.

"You didn't even cry when I died," said Zoisite. "So this must be really sad."

"Hey," said Kunzite. "I had a lot of off-camera time, you don't know that."

That's when Kunzite's episodes began, and the MC and all the girls were back.

"Kunzite!" said Zoisite. "I told you that I was going to kill all the characters!"

"You told me after I did my three episodes," said Kunzite. "We didn't have the time to fix it."

"Why are we going into this abandoned school?" asked the loli, as if she hadn't died in episode 7.

"We have to," said the MC, and nothing more.

"I'm scared!" said the MH.

"Hang in there," said the MC.

"This dialogue is as good as Kunzite's in the dub," sneered Nephrite.

"Thanks," said Kunzite, missing it.

The cast entered the haunted school.

And that's when there was first-blood.

A girl was stabbed by a ghoul, and there was a very gory scene of her dying.

Zoisite threw up, and Jadeite covered his eyes.

The MC threw a wild punch at the ghost, and for some reason it tossed the ghost.

"I'll be back!" said the ghost. "And you're next, MC!"

"No!" said the MC. "Quick guys, we have to keep going deeper into the school!"

But when the MC turned around, two ghosts were holding the kuudere upside-down.

"Come on!" yelled Nephrite. "You didn't even have a panty shot like in Corpse Party!"

"There wasn't one in the source material," said Kunzite. "That was just pointless fan service they added to the anime!"

That's when the two ghosts flew at top speeds through the wall, causing the girl to collide with the wall and splatter like a bug in a very gory scene.

Zoisite had to leave.

"Don't you want to see how it ends?!" called Kunzite.

"Sorry, I can't," said Zoisite. "I can't take anymore."

"But the scary part's just about to start," said Kunzite.

"That's not scary, it's just gory," said Zoisite. "There's a difference."

He sat back down hesitantly, only to see the MC's best friend hanging from the ceiling.

Suddenly the MC's best friend started jerking.

"AH!" screamed Zoisite and Jadeite.

"HEEELLP… MEEE!" screamed the dying man.

Kenji came back from the bathroom and gasped.

"This is so disturbing," said Nephrite. "Kunzite, what the heck is wrong with you?"

"Finally, he went limp," said Zoisite, finally breathing.

That's when he started jerking again.

"Nooo!" yelled Zoisite. "Just put him out of his misery!"

"Sorry," said Kunzite. "I couldn't in all consciousness allow that."

The episode continued in that manner, and he finally died after 20 minutes."

The next episode began, and Zoisite was crying.

"I was supposed to do the sad one," he said.

"That wasn't sad," said Kunzite. "That was spooky."

"No it wasn't," said Nephrite. "It was just pointless. Throw in some jump scares, why don't you?"

"It's about to be your lucky day," said Kunzite.

The MC and the MH, who were the only ones left, continued down the hall as the floor creaked and spooky music played.

"I know it's coming," said Jadeite, bracing himself.

Nephrite just rolled his eyes.

Suddenly the ghost came out and screamed, and Jadeite and Zoisite screamed along with it.

The ghost pulled the MH's head off, and Nephrite let out a chuckle.

"This isn't half bad," he admitted.

Kunzite reused the animation of the MC punching a ghost, and the ghost falling down.

"Why'd you reuse animation?" asked Nephrite. "We had plenty of time."

"Sorry," said Kunzite. "I needed the gore scenes to be as graphic as possible."

At the end of episode 12, the MC, near death, climbed out of the school.

"I… I escaped," he said.

Nephrite paused the show. "He was the one who made everyone go in! And then he kept making them go deeper in! And now he's happy because he escaped?! Terrible writing, like all of Kunzite's dialogue in the sub AND dub."

"Take that back," demanded Kunzite. "Now, are you gonna stand there, or are you gonna fight!? Nothing stands in the way of the great and mighty Negaforce, HRAAAA!"

Nephrite just shook his head.

The credits rolled, and Kunzite was the only person on the credits.

"What about the animators?" asked Kenji.

"No," said Kunzite.

"Hey," said Nephrite. "I thought you agreed you'd put all of us on the credits!"

"Sorry," said Kunzite. "I just didn't have the budget after that final fight."

"You reused the same scene three times," said Nephrite.

"Wait, there's a scene after the credits," realized Jadeite.

The MC was walking across the street away from the school.

"I'm free!" he yelled.

That's when a car hit him in a jump scare/gory scene combo.

Kunzite stood up and applauded.

"What did you think, Beryl?" he asked.

Beryl was just very confused. "Is this what Earth anime is like?" she asked.

"No," said Zoisite. "My episodes were better than most Earth anime."

"Grandpa still hasn't recovered since my episodes," pointed out Nephrite.

* * *

After the anime went public, there was an assortment of reviews, all positive. For some reason, Jadeite's episodes were fan favorites, and single-handedly put their show on the top of the ranking on MyAnimeList.

"Episode 7 was so sad that I cried for a week!" read one comment. "Watch this show but only if you have three boxes of tissues!"

Another one read, "Episode 12 was too spooky! I couldn't sleep for years, and had to go through extensive therapy! Great show!"

A different reviewer wrote, "The second arc from episode 4-6 was pure anime gold. Best thing I ever watched!"

But almost every single comment was talking about how Jadeite's episodes were the best.

"I told you guys I know anime," said Jadeite.

"The human population is stupid," said Nephrite. "And thinks a lot of bad shows are good."

"I can't believe not a single comment asked how the main cast was revived at episode 10," said Zoisite. "Or how the girls died to begin with."

"We are the best," concluded Kunzite.

FIN


	187. Doki Doki Lunatic Club

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Jadeite, I saw this flyer hanging around in the hall," said Beryl. "Explain yourself at once."

"Ah," said Jadeite. "I just recently joined a literature club. It looks like just a fun club, so I hope it's not some kind of psychological horror."

"I sure hope not," said Beryl. "If it was, hopefully there'd be 20 warnings before you start the game. Just to make sure there's no possibility of anyone getting actually surprised by it."

"Don't worry," said Jadeite. "There was."

"Good," said Beryl. "I was thinking of joining, but it sounds too spooky."

"Good choice," said Jadeite. "Farewell."

* * *

Jadeite entered the literature club.

"Welcome back," said club president Minako.

"Thanks," said Jed. "What's on the menu today?"

"We're reading our poems," said Ami.

"Drat!" said Jadeite. "I didn't do my homework."

"Don't worry about it," said Minako. "Ami, do you wanna start?"

Jadeite fell asleep as Ami opened her mouth, and didn't wake up until everyone was done reading poems.

"What is your poem?" asked Usagi Tsukino.

"Ah," said Jadeite. "Like I said, I didn't do my homework, but I suppose I can come up with one."

The others waited.

Jadeite stood up. "The life of a flower is short and full of suffering."

Jadeite sat down.

The others clapped.

"That was really deep," said Ami. "It reminds me of my life."

"Woah," said Jed. "That was just gibberish. Not words to live by."

"I wish I didn't have to…" said Ami, trailing off.

"Now that we're done poetry hour, it's time to talk about our Fall Festival plans!" said Minako.

"For a literature club, you don't read many books," said Jadeite. "Can I come in and read Diary of a Wimpy Kid next week?"

"Maybe if we have time after discussing Fall Festival plans," said Minako. "And speaking of which, we need to prepare."

"I won't be able to make it to the festival," said Jadeite.

"Awww, why?" asked Makoto. "We need you to help at our stand!"

"Don't worry," said Jed. "I'll help prepare beforehand."

"Ah, good!" said Usagi. "We'll need all the help we can get!"

"I will volunteer to make cupcakes," offered Makoto.

"Great!" said Minako.

"What flavor?" asked Jed.

"Hmm," said Makoto. "What's your favorite flavor, senpai?"

"No," said Jadeite. "I asked my question first."

"Oh," said Makoto. "I was going to let you pick the flavor."

"Bad idea," said Jadeite. "I don't eat sweets."

"What do you like to eat?" asked Makoto.

"Hmmmmmmmm," thought Jadeite. He left it at that.

Makoto was at a loss.

Ami broke the silence after a minute. "I will help set up decorations! We should put words everywhere, to represent the literature club!"

"Good idea," said Jed. "I can write some words, I suppose."

"Hey," said Makoto. "I thought you were going to help me make cupcakes!"

"Actually," said Usagi. "Jadeite's gonna help me! We're making pamphlets and flyers to hand out at the festival!"

"Hey now, girls," said Jadeite. "There's enough of me to go around."

But the girls kept fighting.

"This is odd," thought Jadeite. "Who are these girls?"

"I know!" said Minako suddenly. "We'll let Jadeite pick! Jadeite, who do you want to help with Fall Festival prep?"

Jadeite thought long and hard. He knew that no matter what response he gave, he'd get three complaints.

"Dating sims are hard," said Jed. "But I guess I choose Makoto."

"Why?" demanded Minako, getting very jealous.

"I don't know," said Jadeite. "Her route has the most potential. And probably the least amount of flags to trigger."

"Go to hell," said Ami, leaving.

Usagi and Minako turned away, but Makoto was in a deep blush.

"I'm glad you picked me," she said.

"Thanks," said Jed.

"I can come over to your place this weekend to make the cupcakes," said Makoto.

"Uh, okay I guess," said Jadeite.

* * *

It was the weekend.

Jadeite took Nephrite's house because he figured he'd just be at the soda machine all weekend.

He was right, and there was no conflict.

Makoto showed up at Jed's mansion.

"Big house," she said. "When I was at the bottom of the hill, it said private property."

"Yes," said Jed. "I just put that there to scare off the young ones."

"But you own this whole hill?" asked Makoto.

"Yes," said Jadeite.

"Wow," said Makoto.

"Come inside," said Jed.

They entered the mansion, and went into Nephrite's bedroom.

"Wow, it's very clean," said Makoto. "Not like my ex-crush, Motoki's house."

"Yes," said Jadeite. "Nephrite cleaned before I arrived."

"Who's Nephrite?" asked Makoto.

"My maid," explained Jadeite.

"Hey," said Makoto suddenly. "Do you wanna see my knife?"

"Why do you need a knife for cupcakes?" asked Jadeite.

"I just carry it around," said Makoto. "Do you think that's weird?"

"Yes," said Jadeite. "Very."

"Oh," said Makoto.

They sat on Nephrite's bed awkwardly.

"Uh, I guess I'll take a peek at it," said Jadeite, with nothing else to say.

"Ooh!" said Makoto. She was blushing like a moron, and she pulled out the knife.

Jadeite took it in his hand and examined it.

"This is no butter knife," he stated.

He tapped the point.

"Youch!" he yelled. "This thing is sharp! Really sharp! I could survive gunshots with no damage, but this knife cut right through my finger!"

Makoto put Jadeite's finger in her mouth.

"Uh," said Jadeite. "What are you doing young lady?"

"I'm getting the blood off you," said Makoto.

"Yuck," said Jadeite. "Don't do that. That's how you get AIDS. If I was Zoisite, you'd be finished."

Jadeite didn't know what to do, so he put Makoto's hand in his mouth.

"Mmm," he said awkwardly.

Zoisite teleported in.

"Nephrite," he said. "Are you talking about me?! You better not be!"

Jadeite turned around with Makoto's hand in his mouth.

"Mmh!" he said.

Zoisite stared at them for a good minute.

"I'll let myself out," he said.

Jadeite released Makoto's hand.

"Why did you do that?" said Makoto.

"I didn't know what else to do," said Jadeite. "I'm not used to women. The only woman I know is Queen Beryl, and also those ugly Youmas, but I don't classify them as women. They're mostly beasts."

"Ah," said Makoto.

Jadeite needed a break.

"Uh, I have to go," he said.

"But this is your house," said Makoto.

"Yes," said Jadeite.

He left.

Ten minutes later, he came back.

As he opened the door, he saw Makoto gasp, and then quickly roll down her sleeves.

"What was that?" asked Jadeite.

"Nothing," said Makoto. "Why are you back so early?"

"Why are you still holding your knife?" said Jadeite.

"Uh!" exclaimed Makoto. "Uh… uh…"

"Never mind," said Jadeite. "Wanna come downstairs and do those cupcakes now?"

"Yes," said Makoto.

* * *

The next day, Jadeite returned to the literature club.

"Let's never do that again," thought Jadeite to himself.

"Hey," said Minako.

"Ah, Monika!" said Jadeite. "Just the girl I was looking for!"

"No, it's Minako," said Minako.

"Whatever," said Jadeite.

"Anyway," said Minako. "How was your date with Makoto?"

"No date," said Jadeite. "We just goofed around. Are you jealous?"

"No," lied Minako. "But I'm glad it wasn't a date."

"Whatever," said Jadeite.

The rest of the cast walked in.

"Where is Ami?" asked Jadeite.

"I don't know," said Usagi. "I called her before the club, but she didn't answer."

"Sad," said Jadeite. "She must have quit the club. Fall Festival preparations were too demanding."

"Alright, it's time to read poems," said Minako.

"Shoot!" said Jadeite. "I didn't write a poem again!"

He scribbled down something real quick.

This time, instead of reading poems out loud, they were going to choose a person to swap with.

"Hmm," said Jadeite. "Tough choice."

He definitely didn't want to share with Makoto after what happened that weekend, so he picked Usagi Tsukino.

He read Usagi's poem.

"Wow," said Jadeite. "Lots of undertones there. It'd take some kind of expert to decipher that."

"Thanks," said Usagi. "I wrote it this morning. Yours is good too, but isn't that the poem you read yesterday?"

"Wrong," said Jed. "This time, I wrote, 'The life of a flower is QUICK and full of suffering.'"

"Ah," said Usagi. "Sorry for missing that."

"Say," said Jadeite. "Thinking about your poem, do you have some kind of daddy issues?"

"Yes," said Usagi. "My papa Kenji is very cruel, especially when he's drunk."

"What?!" exclaimed Jadeite. "That's not the Kenji I know! He once tried to fight Swamp Face, the swamp monster! He would have died defending you guys! In fact, in episode 2, you wished that your crush Motoki would be like him! And I've never seen Kenji touch a drop of alcohol in his life. Is this some kind of Fanfiction author's dream?"

"No," said Usagi.

She walked out the door, and in walked Ami.

"Ah, welcome back," said Jadeite. "You saved me from having to share with Makoto. But why are you late for the club?"

"Sadly," said Ami. "I just couldn't think of a reason to wake up this morning."

"Alright, I get that," said Jadeite. "But the club starts after school."

"Mm," said Ami glumly.

"I have a suggestion," said Jadeite. "Maybe if you didn't take such hard math classes, you'd have a little more will to live."

"Leave me alone," said Ami. "Here's my poem."

Jadeite gave it the once over.

"Hmm," he said. "This looks more like a suicide note than a poem."

"Mm," said Ami sadly.

"Man," said Jadeite. "Can't anyone in here write a happy poem? If I ever remember to do a poem before coming here, I will make one about lollipops and gumdrops!"

"I wish I would be around to read it," said Ami.

"Well, as long as you don't show up late, you might be able to next time," said Jadeite.

"I don't think so," said Ami quietly. "I'm suffering from depression."

Jadeite patted her on the shoulder. "Hang in there," he said, walking away.

* * *

Jadeite headed over to Ami's house to walk to school with her.

"I have so questions about this," said Jadeite. "Why am I going to school? When did I start walking with Ami? Why hasn't she answered her phone?"

Jadeite let himself into the Mizuno household.

"Ami!" he called.

There was no response.

"I have a bad feeling about this," said Jadeite. "I hope it's not a jump scare."

Luckily it wasn't.

However, as Jadeite entered Ami's room, he realized with shock that she was deceased.

She was in fact hanging from the ceiling.

"Sad," said Jadeite.

He looked around the room.

"Nice room," he said. "Her parents will be able to rent it out for a lot of money."

Finally he found her suicide note.

"A suicide note," said Jadeite. "I thought her last poem was the suicide note."

He read the note. It had one phrase on it.

"I took your advice," it read.

Jadeite thought long and hard. "What were the last words I said to her?" he wondered.

"Oops," said Jadeite. "Oh well. I guess it was meant to be."

* * *

The next day, Jadeite showed up to the club.

"So do we need a new member?" asked Jadeite. "And who will do the decorations for Fall Festival?"

"What do you mean?" asked Minako. "We've always been four members."

That was an odd statement, but Jadeite decided not to tread on it.

"Alright, it's time to read our poems!" said Minako.

"Drat!" said Jadeite. "I was too distracted with the loss of my childhood friend Ami that I forgot to write one!"

Usagi turned to him, and passed her poem.

"Nice," said Jadeite, not reading it. "Here's my poem."

With no choice, Jadeite handed Usagi Ami's poem from last meeting and pretended it was his poem.

"Wow," said Usagi. "Your handwriting's pretty girly."

"Thanks," said Jadeite.

"Jadeite," said Usagi. "Do you have depression?"

"No," said Jadeite. "This poem is just some psychological mumbo-jumbo. I copied it from the internet."

"Hey," thought Jed in his head. "They don't seem to remember Ami anyway, so why not."

Next, Makoto handed Jadeite her poem.

It was three pages long so he had to skim it quickly.

"What did you think?" asked Makoto, getting a little too close to Jed.

"It was good," said Jadeite.

She moved back, and he was able to exhale.

"Makoto," said Jadeite. "You seem a little off today."

"Me?! Off!?" cried Makoto really loud. "Me?! Off!?" she repeated.

"Yes," said Jadeite.

Makoto started laughing hysterically, but Jadeite didn't tread on it much.

Next Minako walked over, and her and Jed swapped poems.

"Great poem," said Jed. "Do you like mine?"

"Yes," said Minako. "I like it a lot. Especially because you wrote it, all by yourself!"

"That's true," said Jadeite.

"So," said Minako, leaning in and whispering. "I heard Makoto is a cutter."

"Really?" said Jadeite. "She doesn't seem like the type to cut class."

"No," said Minako. "Like with a knife."

"Oh yeah," said Jadeite. "She's a cook."

Minako was getting annoyed. "Whenever she gets excited, she starts to cut. She carries a different knife to school every day."

"I know," said Jadeite. "Pretty wacky."

"Yes," said Minako. "Maybe it's some kind of sexual thing. She gets a high out of it."

"I've never heard of anyone liking cooking that much," said Jadeite.

Minako walked away.

"Yeah, I should still stay away from that Makoto though," thought Jadeite. "She's kind of goofy."

Jadeite turned around, but Makoto was in his face.

"Hi senpai," she said.

"Goodbye, senpai," said Jadeite.

He legged it.

* * *

Jadeite walked into the literature club the next day, and felt a chilling vibe.

"Something bad's going to happen," said Jadeite out loud. "But who could be the one that sets things off-balance?"

"Hello, senpai," said Makoto.

Jadeite turned around and Makoto was in his face.

Jadeite leapt back.

"Woah!" he said. "Someone should put a bell on you!"

Makoto started laughing, and then it quickly turned into a guffaw.

Jadeite was sweating. "Okay," he said. "It wasn't that funny."

He looked at Makoto's arms, and then pointed to them. "Did you get in some kind of accident or something?"

Makoto just kept laughing.

"Whatever," said Jadeite. "It's none of my business."

"Guys!" said Minako, strolling in. "Who's ready to share poems?"

"Back off!" said Makoto. "Jadeite's mine!"

"No way," said Usagi. "You can't hog Jadeite all to yourself!"

"I miss Ami," said Jadeite.

The girls were at their regular spiel again, and Jadeite gazed off into the distance.

One of the school posters had been replaced with a picture of Ami hanging herself.

"Odd décor," he said. "Is this part of the festival? I mean, Halloween is coming up, however I didn't think we'd celebrate it here."

No one answered him, and they continued arguing.

"Well," said Minako. "As I said before Makoto lost her marbles, it's time to read poems!"

"Actually," said Jadeite. "I brought in my Diary of a Wimpy Kid collection to read today. You said we could read it at some point, considering it is a literature club, not just a poetry club."

"No," said Minako. "You need to read my poem."

"I'll pass," said Jadeite.

Minako handed it to him. "You need to read my poem."

"Fine," said Jadeite.

"Nice poem," said Jadeite finally.

He looked at his two remaining choices.

Makoto was shaking in her seat.

"I guess I'll read yours next, Usagi," decided Jadeite.

"I'm really not looking forward to reading Makoto's," thought Jadeite. "I know it's going to be something spooky! But unfortunately I think I'm gonna have to."

Jadeite began to read Usagi's poem.

"Jadeite," it began.

"Ah," said Jadeite. "You wrote a poem about your love. Anyway, let's keep reading."

"There's something seriously wrong with Makoto!" it continued. "You need to get her to see a therapist! She'll only listen to you!"

"What is this?" demanded Jadeite. "This isn't a poem."

He crumpled it up, and disposed of it.

Makoto moved closer to Jadeite.

"Fine," said Jadeite. "I guess I'll have to do it sometime."

He took Makoto's poem in his hand, and then he shrieked.

"Ah, what is this?!" he said. "It's covered in blood!"

"Read it," demanded Makoto.

"Alright, alright," said Jed. He started to read it, but it was just chicken scratch.

"Did you like it?" asked Makoto in his face.

"Well," said Jadeite. "It's not the best poem I've read, but it's definitely in my top five. Why is it covered in blood?"

But Makoto was lost beyond reason.

"OOOLOOOOLOOOLOOLOOO!" screamed Makoto.

Jadeite let out a shriek too, because it was so loud and sudden.

"What's going on here?" demanded Usagi.

"Nothing," said Jadeite. "I'm just here with Makoto who doesn't seem to know what personal space is!"

"Usagi," said Makoto. "You should go kill yourself."

"No thanks," said Usagi. "My pop will do that to me soon enough, if I rub him the wrong way."

"#NotMyKenji," replied Jadeite. "But seriously, is anyone normal in this club?!"

The girls were back to their typical argue match, and Jadeite pressed the skip button.

But things got serious when Makoto pushed the other two students out of the room.

"Hey wait!" said Jadeite. "Don't leave me with her! She's a wacko!"

But Makoto closed the door and locked it.

"You know," said Jadeite. "It doesn't make a difference if you lock it from the inside."

"Now we're alone," said Makoto.

"Unfortunately," said Jadeite.

"Jadeite," said Makoto.

Makoto had hyper-realistic eyes.

Jadeite considered spawning a portal and leaping through, but he was scared she'd follow him.

"What do you want?" he said.

"Jadeite, do you like me?" asked Makoto.

"Sure," said Jadeite. "As a pal. Well, not really, but if I say otherwise you're probably going to kill yourself or something with that knife you always bring to school. Honestly, they should have some metal detectors in the front of the building. If you can sneak a knife in, someone could probably sneak in a gun."

"You… you really do like me?" asked Makoto in a wild blush and look of insanity.

"Yes," said Jadeite slowly. "Please don't do anything crazy."

Makoto pulled out the knife she always brings to school, and Jadeite lunged for it.

"NO!" he yelled.

But it was too late.

Makoto took her own life.

"Why did you do that?!" demanded Jadeite. "I said I liked you!"

Makoto did not respond because she was dead.

"Oh well," said Jadeite sitting down on the floor. "I better sit here all weekend. I don't have any plans or anything."

Jadeite sat there all weekend and watched the body slowly decay.

"Geez," said Jadeite on Sunday night. "Why did I do this?"

It was only 8:00pm and he still had to wait another 12 hours. Actually more than that, because the club's after school.

"Nothing's spookier than watching a body decay in a computer game," he said. "So spooky," he repeated.

"Not really," he said after. "You'd have to be some kind of weak-hearted goon if you get genuinely spooked by this. A body doesn't even decay in three days, the most that happens is the blood dries. Not that spooky."

He waited for another hour.

"It did ruin my weekend though, this scene right here," he said, gesturing in front of him. "So I guess the janitors just don't clean this classroom or something. I mean how did not a single person walk in in three days? Did I sleep at all these three days, or did I literally just stay up for three days straight, staring at nothing?"

* * *

Many hours later, it was finally the next school day.

It was the third period of class out of four, and no one had walked in yet.

"Man," he said. "I guess this classroom's only used for the club for some reason. Odd."

Finally school ended and Jed's club-mates walked in.

"Hello everyone," said Usagi.

Then she spotted Makoto's corpse, and threw up.

"Reasonable reaction," said Jadeite. "You're the most normal one here."

Usagi rushed out.

Minako walked in next, but she didn't seem surprised.

"Jadeite," she said. "Did you just sit here all weekend?"

"No," said Jadeite. "I could have easily came after class, and then sat down on the ground. You don't know I was here all weekend."

"Well in that case," said Minako. "Sad."

Suddenly, Makoto's corpse vanished into particles.

"Wow, she decayed fast," said Jadeite. "How'd that happen?"

"I erased her," said Minako.

"Good work," said Jadeite. "There was going to have to be some explaining to do if a teacher walked in. They'll think I killed her or something, judging from my shocked facial expression!"

Usagi walked back in.

"Jadeite," she said. "Were you sitting here all weekend?"

That's when Minako erased Usagi.

"Hey!" said Jadeite. "She didn't get an arc yet! Or whatever you can call this. An act, maybe."

"I had to get rid of her," said Minako. "She wasn't going to confess her love, so there's nothing to worry about."

"Huh?" said Jadeite.

"Don't you get it?" said Minako.

"No," said Jadeite. "I'm completely lost. Can you give me the slow version this time?"

"I am the grandmaster of this game," said Minako.

"You're the grandmaster of stupid," commented Jadeite.

Minako let out a laugh, and suddenly the background changed.

They were in an empty room with a table, with a space background out the windows.

"Hey, is that the same wallpaper Galaxia has for both her walls and floor?" asked Jed.

"You're trapped in here forever," said Minako.

"D'ah," said Jadeite. "This is what I get for joining a literature club."

"It was very simple," said Minako. "I just went into the character folder and erased their characters."

"Wrong," said Jadeite. "You can't mess with anything in my Programs x86 without administrative permissions. Idiot."

"I can," said Minako. "Because I'm part of the game too!"

"Ah, that's nice," said Jadeite. "But Sans beat you to the punch! Unoriginal garbage, a self-aware character," Jadeite scoffed.

"This is different," argued Minako. "Sans couldn't go in the game files. He couldn't even Save!"

"Whatever," said Jadeite.

"Now you have to spend forever with me!" concluded Minako.

"No," said Jadeite. "I'll just turn off the game."

"No," said Minako. "Now you have to spend forever with me!"

"You already said that," said Jadeite.

Jadeite pulled out his phone.

He went on Google and looked up how to get past the Minako room.

"Wow," said Jadeite. "I have to literally go in and delete your character file. I'll admit, that is pretty original."

"Yes," said Minako. "Erase me, I dare you."

"Alright," said Jadeite.

He stood up.

Minako waited.

Jadeite shot lightning out of his palms, ending her.

He punched open the window and leapt out.

"What is this?" he said. "Some kind of wallpaper?!"

He started tearing at the space background with his hands, and finally tore a hole open and leapt through.

He looked around, and was in none other than Galaxia's throne room.

"Hey Tin Nyanko," said Jadeite. "Hey Lead Crow."

Jadeite hopped in the elevator and left.

FIN


	188. Trick-or-Treating Trouble

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Wow, I'm glad you like my costume," said Zoisite. "I pulled it together at the last minute so I wasn't sure how good it'd look."

Jadeite was angry. "You don't deserve to wear Queen Beryl's signature look!"

Jadeite was dressed up as a tan sea captain.

"Jadeite, why are you tan?" asked Zoisite.

"It's part of the gig," said Jed.

Nephrite teleported in. He was dressed up as an astronaut.

"Everything is ruled by the power of the stars," he stated. "But today everything is ruled by the power of sweets! Who's ready to go trick-or-treating?"

"MEEEEEE!" said Kunzite. He was dressed up as a pimp, with a purple cape.

"Beryl," he said. "I wonder if Zoisite will dress up as Sailor Moon again this year. Because Zoisite doesn't pass as a beautiful woman as well as you do, Queen Beryl!"

"Oh," said Zoisite.

"Beryl," said Kunzite. "Do you have a cold? You don't sound like yourself."

Suddenly Queen Beryl walked in. She was dressed as her OC gem from Steven Universe.

"Zoisite," said Zoisite. "Why did you take my form as Queen Beryl?"

"What?!" said Beryl. "Hey, who's in my throne?!"

"What's going on?" demanded Kunzite. "Am I in some kind of dream I never want to wake up from?"

Zoisite grabbed Kunzite by the ear. "We need to talk," he said.

"Beryl," said Jadeite. "Will you be joining us for the trick and treating?"

"No," said Beryl. "I'm way too old for that. You're way too old for that, too."

"Wrong," said Nephrite. "Kunzite didn't go last year and he regretted it ever since. Don't make the same mistake, Beryl."

"I will pass," said Beryl.

She left.

"Why was she in a costume, then?" asked Jadeite. "Very misleading."

* * *

The Shitennou waited around at Nephrite's house.

"Do we even celebrate Halloween in Japan?" asked Kunzite. He was covered in bruises.

"No," said Jadeite. "We'll teleport to America when the time is right. The sun is going down, so soon."

"No, no," said Kunzite. "We can't go while it's still light out. Let's wait till a bit later."

"You're right," agreed Jadeite. "How should we pass the time?"

"Let's go bobbing for apples!" suggested Zoisite.

"Uh, I could fill my bathtub with water, I guess," said Nephrite. "But we don't have any apples."

"Never mind then," said Jadeite. "Stupid idea, Zoisite."

The Shitennou twiddled their thumbs for a couple hours, and then teleported to the streets.

"Ooh, that house is well-decorated," said Nephrite. "Let's hit it!"

As they walked up to the house, Molly and Melvin walked past them.

"Mully!" said Nephrite.

"Hidy ho!" said Melvin, who was dressed as some obscure anime character.

Molly was dressed as a giant mutton chop.

"Where are you guys going?" said Jadeite. "The houses are that way!"

"There is a curfew," said Melvin. "Trick-or-treating ends at eight!"

"Yeah, okay, nerd," laughed Jadeite. "You young ones probably just have strict parents. Now run along and let the big boys go."

Molly shrugged and left.

"Curfew, that's a good one," said Zoisite. "Only some cruel tyrant would come up with something like that."

The Shitennou knocked on the first door.

"Wait," said Jadeite panicking. "What do I say?"

"Don't worry," said Kunzite. "Just say, 'trick-or-treat,' in English."

"Ah," said Jadeite. "I'll try to memorize that."

Ms. Haruna answered the door. She stared at them for a moment.

"Trick-or-treat," said Zoisite.

"You're a little late," chuckled Haruna coldly.

"What do you mean?" demanded Jadeite. "The sun just set recently."

"Well," chuckled Haruna. "It's after eight."

"So?" asked Kunzite rudely. "Trick-or-treating usually doesn't start until seven or eight, unless you're like three."

"Sorry," said Haruna. "But I can't give you candy in all good consciousness. Have a good night!"

She went to close the door, but Kunzite put his foot in the door.

"Excuse me," said Kunzite. "I think there's a misunderstanding here. It's Halloween today. Not the day after."

"Yes," said Ms. Haruna. "But it's after 8. You guys don't look 12, either."

"12?!" demanded Nephrite. "Not 14, not 13, but 12?!"

"Sounds like this lady wants a couple eggs thrown her way," said Zoisite.

"Yes," said Jadeite. "She's obviously yanking our chain. Ending trick-or-treating at 8 o'clock is unheard of. Criminal, actually."

Ms. Haruna slammed her door, and Zoisite took out the eggs.

"Don't bother," said Kunzite. "She's just out of candy and doesn't want to admit she messed up. She's probably too lazy to go to the store again, or too cheap. Let's let her live this time."

"Fine," said Zoisite reluctantly. He put away the eggs.

The next house they went to was none other than Motoki's apartment.

"Look," said Jadeite. "Some kids are already up there."

Motoki was handing out small Whopper packs.

But on the third kid in the group, halfway through extending his arm, Motoki's watch went off.

"Ah," he said. "8 o'clock pm on the nose! That's all for tonight!"

Motoki rescinded his arm, stepped into the hall, and dropped his bucket of Whoppers down the trash chute.

He then went inside and shut his door, and locked it.

"Did you see that?!" exclaimed Kunzite. "I have a bone to pick!"

Kunzite pounded on Motoki's door.

"Hello," said Motoki opening the door. "You must be the mailman, because no kid would make the mistake of trick-or-treating at 8:01!"

"Fork over the candy, little boy," said Kunzite.

"Alright," said Motoki. But then he checked his watch. "Ah, sorry pal," he said sarcastically. "Still after 8!"

Kunzite turned to Zoisite, and Zoisite turned to the rest.

"Motoki, is it?" said Zoisite.

"Yes," said Motoki.

Zoisite fired a beam, and Motoki went flying with the beam off his balcony and straight to the great beyond.

Zoisite raided his apartment and found candy stashed away.

"Good work!" said Kunzite, evenly distributing it.

"Yes," said Nephrite. "I couldn't have done it better myself."

The Shitennou trekked to the next house.

"Eight o'clock," repeated Jadeite. "This must be some national joke. My stomach is actually sick from just the thought."

* * *

Kenji was doing the route with his boy Shingle.

"Get some extra candy for your pop!" said Kenji.

"Stop embarrassing me, dad," said Shingle.

"Don't worry then," said Kenji. "I'll come with you, to take a couple pieces for myself."

Kenji knocked on the door.

"Hello, Kenji," said Mrs. Mizuno. "What are you doing here?"

"Trick-or-treat, ho ho ho!" said Kenji, reaching his palm out like a beggar on the street.

"Sorry," said Ami's mom. "But it's after 8 o'clock."

Kenji froze in his place. His stomach felt like it had fallen down an elevator shaft.

He opened his mouth to speak, but no sound came out. He could not produce words, and his face turned dark blue in horror.

He started stuttering incoherently.

He wanted to shout. He wanted to scream.

But he couldn't utter a sound.

"No," he said finally.

"Excuse me?" said Mrs. Mizuno.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Kenji.

He threw a wild punch, killing Mrs. Mizuno.

"What's with all this screaming?" asked Ami, coming to the door.

Kenji threw a chop, ending Ami.

"Good work," said Shingo.

Kenji picked up Shingo, and tore him in half like a phonebook.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Kenji, pounding his chest.

* * *

The Shitennou approached the next house, preparing for the worst.

"Trick-or-treat," said Zoisite hesitantly.

The old woman shook her head. "Would you like to come in and see my clock?"

Zoisite looked at Kunzite, and Kunzite nodded.

"It's obvious that you do not possess some kind of watch, so I forgive you," said the lady. "But in the future-"

Zoisite fired a beam, and the old lady went flying in it, dying before she hit the ground.

"No house is going to go any differently," said Nephrite. "So should we just kill them before even asking for candy?"

"Yes," said Kunzite. "Instead of trick-or-treat, we should say die-or-treat, and then kill them."

They knocked on the next door.

"Ugh, you guys," said Mamoru Chiba.

Zoisite didn't even wait for a response, and threw a crystal at his heart, taking him out.

"Let me do one next!" said Jadeite, charging up lightning in his palms.

* * *

Beryl sat on a porch. The location was not important.

She set down her lawn chair, and started the bonfire.

"Alright, 8 o'clock," she said. "They should be coming around soon."

But the streets were a ghost town.

"What is this?" demanded Beryl. "I thought it was Halloween! If those boys pulled a prank on me…"

That's when she spotted two middle school students walking by.

"Kids!" she called.

She dashed over to them.

"Would you like some candy?" she said. "Take as many as you want!"

"Sorry," said Melvin. "It's past 8 o'clock."

Him and Molly walked away.

Beryl did a double-take.

"Huh?" she said. "Is he on some sort of weird diet, or could it be…?"

She sat back down.

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Kenji, dashing over.

"I've heard," said Beryl. "We have to do something."

"Yes," agreed Kenji. "Let's go take on city hall!"

"It's the only way," nodded Beryl.

* * *

"Trick-or-treat," said the young green-haired boy Kyuusuke, who was flanked by Momoko and Chibiusa.

"Sorry," said Motoki's sister. "There's a curfew at 8 o'clock! No more treats for today, come back next year!"

Kyuusuke just stared blankly.

"Huh?" he said at last.

"Mmhmm!" said Motoki's sister. "Have a good night!"

Kyuusuke was bewildered, and got down on his hands and knees to process things.

Motoki's sister closed the door.

"What happened?" asked Momoko.

But Kyuusuke couldn't produce words.

After twenty minutes, he explained things.

"What a queer," said Chibiusa. "We should egg her house!"

"No," said Kyuusuke. "All hope is lost."

The three of them started to mope away, and passed the Shitennou on the way out.

"Hello young ones!" said Jadeite. "I admire that you're out after eight!"

"Yes," said Kyuusuke. "But it's all in vain. All that's left for me is misery. Don't bother going to that house."

The three younglings left.

The Shitennou knocked on the door anyway.

As Kyuusuke and the pack walked away, there was a bright light like a beacon, and then there was a scream.

But the poor kids were so distraught that they didn't bother turning around.

The three kids arrived at the footsteps of Hikawa Shrine.

There was a sign saying, "Free Candy," so they figured it was worth a try.

"Wait," said Momoko. "You've heard the rumors about this place, right?"

"Nah," said Chibiusa. "Grandpa's a nice man."

"No," said Momoko. "He's a perv, and I heard he becomes a demon on Halloween night!"

"Yeah, I'm not going up there," said Chibiusa.

Kyuusuke started to chuckle.

"Hey girls," he said. "I triple-dog dare you to go up there and knock on the door!"

"Why don't you do it?" said Momoko. "You're a guy, you're not supposed to be scared!"

"I'm not scared," lied Kyuusuke. "I'll give you all my candy if you go up there!"

"Fine," said Momoko.

Her and Chibiusa slowly climbed the steps.

Kyuusuke waited patiently.

But after two hours, they didn't return.

Kyuusuke was starting to feel very bad.

"I shouldn't have dared them to go up there!" he said. "Oh man."

The Shitennou walked up casually.

"Ah, you again," said Zoisite. "Have any luck?"

"I made a terrible mistake," said Kyuusuke.

"Hang in there, Kaiyuusuke," said Jadeite.

"Actually," said Kyuusuke. "It's pronounced Q-sookay."

"No," said Zoisite. "Anyway, we're going up there. Wanna tag along? You seem spooked."

"No thanks," said Kyuusuke. "But can you please save my friends?! They haven't returned after two hours!"

"Yes," said Kunzite. "But no promises."

The Shitennou started climbing the steps.

There was the loud sound of a crow cawing, and Zoisite leapt into Kunzite's arms.

"Spooky," said Nephrite.

"Let's continue," said Jadeite.

They kept climbing the stairs, and many contraptions that Grandpa set up spooked them.

"Actually," said Zoisite when he saw the fog machine. "I think I'll wait here until you guys come back."

"Come on, you big baby," said Nephrite.

"Nephrite," said Zoisite seriously. "Anything could be in that fog. Put me down, Kunzite."

"Alright," said Kunzite. "Suit yourself."

"Jadeite," said Kunzite. "Are you sure you don't want to stay behind too?"

"Shut up," said Jadeite, prancing into the fog.

That's when they heard a scream, and Nephrite and Kunzite rushed in.

"What is it?" demanded Nephrite.

"It was a jump scare," said Jadeite. "Very spooky. Let's continue."

They made their way through the fog maze, which now was accompanied by a strobe light, and they finally got to the temple door.

But not before going through a corn maze at the top.

"Phew," said Jadeite. "That maze was tricky. If we couldn't fly we would have really had some trouble."

Kunzite knocked on the door.

Grandpa in his Youma form answered.

"Ah, Grandpa," said Kunzite. "Nice costume."

"Yes," said Jadeite. "It looks really realistic," he said, pulling at it like it was a mask.

"Say, Grandpa," said Nephrite. "Did you hear about that curfew nonsense? I'm glad you didn't go along with the rest of those fools."

Grandpa was just panting like a hound, and his eyes were looking in different directions.

"Say," said Kunzite. "Some young boy said that he sent two friends up here two hours ago. Have you seen them?"

That's when Grandpa threw a punch, instantly ending Kunzite in one blow.

Nephrite and Jadeite screamed, and tried to bolt in different directions.

But their heads hit each other and they fell to the ground, and Grandpa quickly disposed of them.

Zoisite, who had headed all the way down and recently met up with Kyuusuke, waited patiently.

Suddenly they heard the screams of Jadeite and Nephrite, and the howl of a beast.

Zoisite and Kyuusuke screamed.

"Little boy!" said Zoisite. "We have to go up there!"

"No way," said Kyuusuke, taking off.

"Looks like it's up to me," said Zoisite. "As long as I don't run into any rats, I'm good."

Zoisite nervously headed up the steps, and each footstep felt like an eternity.

"Kunzite?" he called. "Nephrite? Jadeite?"

Suddenly, he felt someone panting against his neck.

That's when Zoisite was ended.

Kyuusuke kept running, and didn't stop running for three weeks, only stopping to drink rain water.

It's assumed he made it out alive.

* * *

Kenji and Beryl walked out of city hall.

"It was tough taking on city hall," said Kenji. "Good thing you had my back."

"Thanks," said Beryl, wiping the blood off her dress.

"Say," said Kenji. "What is your costume?"

"Ah," said Beryl. "This is my Steven Universe OC, Angelite."

"Dumb OC," said Kenji.

Beryl snapped him like a twig.

"I'm coming, Shingle," said Kenji as he died.

FIN


	189. Lord of the Savages: Part 1

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Enough of that," said Beryl. "You know what's coming up, don't you?"

Jadeite pulled out a calendar. "Thanksgiving, eventually," he calculated.

Beryl shook her head angrily. "Tomorrow is my birthday."

"I thought you always told me you spawned out of the darkness eons ago," said Jed.

"That was just to look cool," explained Beryl. "I was actually born as a regular human."

"No way," said Jadeite. "You don't look like a regular human!"

"What's that supposed to mean?" demanded Beryl.

Jadeite started to sweat.

"Anyway," continued Beryl. "I hope you remember what a disaster the party you threw for me last year was!"

"What?!" cried Jadeite. "I thought it was a great party!"

"I asked for one thing, and that was Tuxedo Mask to show," said Beryl angrily.

"He did show," said Jadeite.

"No," said Beryl. "That was just Nephrite in a costume! What kind of fool do you take me for?!"

Jadeite frowned. "Not a big one."

Beryl just glared at him.

"Well, I'm not a miracle worker, m'queen," said Jadeite sadly.

"That's for sure," said Beryl. "But, if you couldn't wrangle that slippery dog Endymion, you could have at least brought SOMEONE to my party!"

"I did!" said Jadeite. "Zoisite and Kunzite!"

"I hate those guys," said Beryl.

"Huh?" said Kunzite as he shined Beryl's shoes.

"Errr, nothing," said Beryl. "Just keep doing what you're doing!"

"Well, I won't let you down this year!" promised Jadeite. "I will bring you so many people that there won't be enough invitations!"

"Good," said Beryl. "Just no weirdos."

"Where do you draw the line between weirdo and not a weirdo?" asked Jadeite.

"Use Kenji as a middle-mark," Beryl told him. "Now where will my party be located? If you say 'the Negaverse,' you'll sleep forever."

"Do you count D-Point as the Negaverse?" asked Jed.

"For any question you have, if you have to ask, the answer is no," stated Beryl.

"So you don't count D-Point as the Negaverse?"

"Leave me alone!" said Beryl. "It's almost my special day!"

* * *

Jadeite sat in a plane full of cohorts, as he steered it to Disneyland with his mind.

"When are we gonna get there?" asked Shingo.

"Shut up, Shingle," said Jadeite. "Beryl said to meet her at Disneyland, which is very far away from Japan."

"Why didn't we just teleport to Disneyland?" asked Nephrite.

"Because," said Jadeite. "Most of these people can't teleport. Silly Nephrite."

Zoisite examined the roster aboard the plane. "This is impressive," he told Jadeite. "The best I've ever seen."

The roster consisted of: Kenji Tsukino, Grandpa, Shingo Tsukino, Motoki, Motoki's sister, Mama Motoki, Crane Game Raider Joe, Melvin, Molly, Mr. Kitakata, Diana the baby cat, her papa Artemis, Taiki's forehead, Yaten base, Chad, Ami Mizuno, Makoto Kino, Minako Aino, Kyuusuke, Momoko, Ishihara, Ms. Haruna, Greg/Ryo, Prof. Tomoe, Hotaru Tomoe, Yumiko and Kuri (Usagi's friends from school), Usagi's husky friend from school (Unnamed; codename Tubby), Boxy the Priest, Setsuna Meioh, Melvin's school friends who threw rocks, and many others. Nearly every seat on the plane was full.

"Hey old man," said Kenji. "Take your arm off my armrest!"

"It's both of our armrest, young lad," said Grandpa.

Kunzite sat awkwardly in one of the seats.

"Hey," he said to Makoto who was next to him. "Come here often?"

"Who are you?" asked Makoto.

"Hurtful," said Kunzite.

"Uh oh guys!" said Greg suddenly. "I'm getting a bad vision of the future!"

"What happened in it?" asked Ami, who was the only one who gave Greg the time of day.

"Well," began Greg.

He grabbed a parachute and leapt out of the plane.

Just then, one of the wings fell off the plane.

"AH!" cried Jadeite. "What just happened?! I'm losing control!"

Everyone ran for the door, but Nephrite got in the way.

"No one panic," he said.

Ms. Haruna tried to run past Nephrite to the door, but Zoisite threw a powerful punch, throwing Haruna out of the way.

He leapt out the door like one would dive into a pool.

"Hey, get back here!" said Nephrite. "I said, nobody panic!"

Three people ran up and threw their body weight, knocking Nephrite out the door, and then they too leapt out of the plane.

Soon, a line formed, as every single person leapt out of the plane which was luckily above an ocean.

"No, wait!" yelled Jed.

Melvin tried to leap out, but Jed grabbed him by the foot and pulled him back in.

"NO!" screamed Melvin.

Jadeite threw a punch, knocking Melvin out.

He then got mad and threw Melvin out the door.

"I hope he drowns," said Jadeite.

Jadeite leapt off the plane.

Everyone else made it off, except for one straggler.

Diana couldn't unbuckle her seatbelt because she didn't have enough strength to push the button.

Finally she squeezed her way out and ran for the door.

But at that moment, the plane collided with the ground and exploded.

And Diana, the frailest creature aboard, was no more, because she suffered 100% of the impact and was completely obliterated.

* * *

The people who leapt off the plane were eventually able to swim to shore.

"Is everyone here?" asked Jadeite.

"No," said Artemis. "I can't find Diana."

Jadeite shrugged. "One casualty isn't that bad, all things considered."

"We don't know if she's gone!" said Artemis.

That's when they heard a loud squeak, and the plane crashed.

"She's gone," said Jadeite.

Artemis hung his head.

"Alright," said Zoisite. "I'll teleport home and get some help. I will come back!" he promised.

Zoisite went to teleport home and not come back.

But he was having some trouble.

Nephrite laughed. "I always knew Zoisite was weak, but not this weak. I'll go get some help instead."

"Take me with you!" cried Zoisite, but nothing happened.

"That's odd," said Nephrite.

"Wow," said Kunzite. "I always knew Nephrite was weak, but not this weak."

"Shut up," said Nephrite. "You bleached-hair freak!"

"Woah," said Kunzite. "We weren't bringing hair into this!"

"Yeah," said Zoisite. "We were just exchanging japes. You didn't need to take it that far."

"Can it," said Nephrite. "Go ahead already, strong guy."

"Eh," said Kunzite. "There's something wrong."

"You didn't even try," said Nephrite.

"Yes," said Kunzite. "But I can tell the magnetic fields are off. We're not on the exact Equator, right Jadeite?"

"Gee," said Jadeite. "I hope not. We'd be in deep trouble if we were!"

"What's going on, boys?" asked Kenji. "Teleport me back to work, I'm done with this."

"We can't," said Kunzite. "Weren't you listening?"

"No," said Kenji. "I was just thinking about the toast I ate this morning."

"You are a simple and stupid man," said Kunzite.

Kenji threw a wild punch at Kunzite, but Kunzite caught it and knocked Kenji unconscious with a very gentle beam.

"Fool," said Kunzite. "We might not be able to teleport due to the magnetic field, but I can still use my other attacks to defeat you."

"Don't tell me we're stuck here," said Crane Raider. "Is this some sort of joke?!"

"Do I make jokes?" asked Kunzite.

"I don't know who you are," said Crane Raider.

"I am the great Kunzite of the Negaverse!" yelled Kunzite.

"Heh," scoffed Joe. "I'm the great Crane Game Raider of the Crown Arcade. My title has a little more pull than yours!"

"Subjective," said Kunzite.

"Stop fighting!" cried Jed.

"We weren't really fighting," said Kunzite.

"This isn't time to argue, please!" yelled Jadeite. "We need to work out survival plans!"

"Oooh," said Melvin. "I always carry around a survival almanac!"

"Shut up, nerd," said Jadeite, burning Melvin's almanac in his palm.

"You fool!" cried Melvin. "You've doomed us all!"

"Quiet," said Nephrite. "It's time to elect the leader!"

"Why do we need a leader?" asked Motoki's sister.

Nephrite shook his head. "Why do countries need leaders? If we didn't have a leader, we'd have no order, and nothing would get done. And then we would all starve, and also freeze in the rain with no shelter."

"Well gosh," said Motoki's sister. "I'm sorry for doubting you. I say you should be our leader!"

"I agree," said Nephrite.

"Hold up a second," said Zoisite. "Nephrite fell in love with a human girl, and also only got energy once!"

"How many times did you get energy?" asked Nephrite.

"I got the seven rainbow crystals," argued Zoisite.

"Actually Kunzite got all seven crystals," said Melvin. "He teleported in and grabbed them!"

"Shut up," said Zoisite. "I think that Kunzite should be the leader!"

"Why would that be?" demanded Nephrite.

"Kunzite is a master at survival," said Zoisite. "He's the longest surviving Shitennou!"

"Yes," said Jadeite. "That's because he doesn't even show his face in my arc! And he's a shadow for one of the scenes in Nephrite's arc."

"Exactly," said Zoisite. "That was a good survival technique. He's also the strongest!"

"Wrong," said Nephrite. "Kunzite isn't very bright. He's the least human of the Shitennou, whereas me and Jadeite were able to infiltrate the human world and mimic human behavior!"

"I mimicked Sailor Moon," said Zoisite.

"That doesn't compare to Maxfield Stanton's great reputation," said Nephrite. "Or even J. Dite, from the radio."

"All wastes of time," said Kunzite. "I get down to business."

"Enough," said Nephrite. "Let's put this to a vote. Who votes for me as your leader?"

About half the crowd raised their hands.

"That's more than half," said Nephrite. "I win."

"Wrong," said Zoisite, counting.

"All for me?!" yelled Kunzite.

About half the crowd raised their hands.

"What is this?" demanded Nephrite. "Some people didn't raise their hands!"

"All for Kenji?" yelled Kenji.

Kenji and Shingo, and surprisingly Mr. Kitakata put their hands up.

"Put your hand down, Shingle," said Kenji, socking Shingle. "You siding with me is only hurting the cause."

"I love you Papa," said Shingo sadly.

"Gay?" asked Kenji.

"Kenji, you didn't make it," said Jadeite, trying to play it neutral. "Let's do another vote, with Kenji out of the running."

"Enough voting," said Nephrite. "A real leader would prove themselves instead. I'm going to hunt for hogs so everyone can eat. Anyone strong may tag along, while the nerds and dweebs can stay here and build shelters. That includes you, Zoisite!"

"Hey, watch it," said Zoisite.

But Nephrite started marching off with a large pack, including Jadeite, Kenji, Grandpa, Chad, Motoki, Prof. Tomoe, Game Raider Joe, Boxy, and Taiki's forehead.

They sported already-crafted spears, and started a chant as their voices faded into the thicket.

Zoisite bit his thumb.

"Don't worry," said Kunzite. "Those bunch of bozos won't catch anything. Meanwhile, I have to prove my worth by building shelters, and by building shelters, I mean directing Zoisite to direct everyone to build shelters."

"Alright," said Zoisite the strategist. "Melvin, Greg, and Ami Mizuno, you three can build blueprints in the sand for the huts we will live in. Any of Melvin's school friends can help out if they are bright. Next, Mr. Kitakata, Artemis the cat, Motoki's sister, and Hotaru Tomoe can go into the woods and gather sticks. Yaten base, Molly, and Usagi's friends can go gather leaves. Makoto, Minako, Ms. Haruna and the rest can go gather rocks and berries. Please do not eat the berries before making sure they aren't poison."

"Excellent work, Zoisite," said Kunzite. "I'll be leader in no time."

Everyone went off to do their various jobs.

"Excuse me?" asked Melvin.

"What is it, nerd?" asked Zoisite.

"What kind of blueprints should we make?"

"I don't know," said Zoisite. "That's your job! The most beneficial hut that can be reproduced numerous times to house many people."

"Well," said Melvin. "The best option would be the five-story, but I don't think we have enough resources on this island to make it."

"Then do something else," said Zoisite. "Can't you figure this out amongst each other? I might be the smartest one here, but it's time to let the newer generation handle things."

Melvin walked back over to Ami, Greg, and a couple school friends.

"I couldn't get a straight answer," said Melvin. "I think he wants us to try for the five-story."

"We don't have enough resources," said Ami.

"Then maybe you should help gather sticks," suggested Melvin. "I know you cheat on all your tests!"

"Lies!" cried Ami. She tried to drown herself in the nearby ocean, but Greg restrained her.

"I think you should leave us alone, Melvin," said Greg. "Nerdy brat!"

* * *

It was late in the night, and Nephrite and his gang still didn't return.

"Attention!" said Kunzite. "I think it's time to accept that those that went to hunt are no longer with us. It's a major loss, but one we have to deal with. Now, since I'm the leader by default, it's time for me to select who we're all going to eat. Let me begin by saying this isn't personal, but I think Usagi's husky friend-"

That's when there was some rustling, and Nephrite's gang emerged holding several large hogs.

"Hooray!" cheered everyone, especially codename Tubby.

"Alright," said Nephrite. "Everyone line up for your rations!"

"Now hold on," said Kunzite to the gang of nerds.

But everyone ran and lined up.

"Traitors," said Kunzite.

"Nephrite, you should be our leader!" called Tubby. "That crazy guy was going to eat me!"

"I agree," said Nephrite again. "With me as leader we will have enough food to go around. I am a master hunter!"

"Heh," said Grandpa. "I'm a master baiter."

"Then why don't you catch us some fish?" asked Jed.

"Oh," said Grandpa. He left it at that.

The well-fed hooligans decided to accept Nephrite as their leader, and Zoisite and Kunzite stormed off.

They went in the only hut that had been built and locked the door.

A few minutes later they heard a knock.

"Yeah?" asked Kunzite.

Shingo marched in.

"What's up, squirt?" said Zoisite. "Don't you have some hog to eat?"

"No," said Shingo. "I would like to ally with you guys instead. I hate that man Kenji."

"So do I," said Kunzite. "Terrible man."

"Kenji is Nephrite's third in command, under Jadeite," explained Shingo.

"Hmm, very foolish pick," said Zoisite. "Nephrite's going to lead them all to oblivion!"

"Heh," said Shingo. "I hope Kenji goes down first."

They waited in the hut for a few hours, but then their stomachs started to growl.

"I guess we have no choice," said Kunzite. "Let's go eat some hog they brought back."

"Kunzite!" yelled Zoisite. "Do you hear what you're saying?"

"There's no other way," said Kunzite sadly.

The three of them marched up to Nephrite's hog.

"Ah, hello boys," said Nephrite.

"Yes, hello boys," said Kenji.

"Hate that man!" yelled Shingo.

"We'd like some hog," mumbled Zoisite.

"What was that?" asked Nephrite with a giddy grin.

"Hog," said Zoisite. "We would like some hog."

"Hmmm," said Nephrite. "You're in luck, there's a couple pieces left. You're lucky you have such a generous leader."

"You're not our leader," said Kunzite.

He grabbed some scraps of hog and left to go eat back in the hut.

Zoisite decided to stick with the crew to try and win some of them over.

"So anyway," said Jed, standing around the campfire. "There we were, hunting some hogs. And suddenly we found ourselves face to face with a wild beast!"

"Oooh," gasped the crowd.

"What do you mean, wild beast?" asked Motoki's sister, greatly interested in the tale.

"I'm glad you asked," said Jadeite. "It was like something I've never seen before. He threw a blow, instantly tossing your brother out of commission."

"That is true," said Motoki. "I woke up and the hunting party was gone."

"Yes," said Jadeite. "We barely made it out with our lives. That's why we'll be giving the head of the hog to the beast every day! To keep it at bay!"

"That's foolish," said Zoisite. "There is no beast."

"Wrong," said Jadeite. "Then who knocked Motoki out of commission?"

"Probably Nephrite," said Zoisite. "He's using your fear of the beast to win leadership, which is surprisingly smart of the guy."

"Exactly," said Nephrite. "It's far out of my IQ range," he continued, joining in at the campfire. "So the beast must have been real. Not to worry though, I will protect you all! There will be some big changes coming soon!"

"So tell me about this beast," said Zoisite. "What did it look like, Nephrite?"

"It moved too quick to see," said Nephrite.

"Yet you think it's such an intelligent beast that it would be expecting a head of a hog and somehow link that to you? You're just wasting food!"

Nephrite was quiet for a second, and then he got mad.

"RRrrr, back off!" he yelled. "You're the type of nerd that would just have gotten everyone eaten by the beast, and not saved them all like I did!"

"Nephrite saved us!" called Professor Tomoe. "He is a hero!"

Everyone started cheering.

"Heh," said Nephrite.

Zoisite had enough of Nephrite's propaganda, and retreated back to the hut.

* * *

The next morning, Zoisite, Kunzite and Shingo exited the hut.

"It's a beautiful day, guys," said Kunzite. "Time to hunt for some berries!"

"Time to hunt for a rescue party," said Zoisite.

"I'm so glad I stuck with you guys," said Shingle. "You're being rational about the situation, instead of Kenji who was consumed by the hunt. He said we should use me as bait!"

"That's quite the horror story," said Zoisite.

Right on cue, Nephrite and his savage pack walked up. They were all shirtless and wearing face paint like some kind of tribal hooligans.

One of the members was Motoki's sister, who was also shirtless.

"We've only been here for one day!" said Zoisite. "Why is Motoki's sister half-nude?!"

"I'm one with the pack," said Motoki's sister. "It's the only way to survive. Clothes were holding me back."

"What do you want?" demanded Kunzite.

"Nothing," said Nephrite. "I just wanted to announce that I'm going hunting, and you shouldn't look for me, because I will be hunting all day."

"Hunt! Hunt! Hunt!" chanted Kenji.

"But Nephrite," said Zoisite. "We have enough hog to last us a couple more days. Let's work on getting off the island!"

"No," said Nephrite. "I'm not hunting for food anymore. I'm hunting for the sake of the hunt! AROOOO!"

"AROOOO!" repeated his pack.

"Let's go, ho ho!" chanted Kenji, and the others joined in.

"This is madness!" yelled Kunzite. "You're all going crazy!"

"No," said Nephrite. "And you better watch it, unless you want us to hunt you next!"

"Our hunt pleases the beast!" added Jadeite.

"That makes no sense," said Shingle. "You're eating food that could be the beast's!"

"Don't listen to Jadeite," said Nephrite. "He doesn't quite understand the way of the hunters yet. But he's getting there!"

"Yeah!" cheered Jadeite.

"We are off," said Nephrite. "We expect more shelters by the crack of sunset."

"The crack of sunset?" asked Zoisite. "Nobody says that!"

Nephrite and the pack were gone, melted into the woods where they felt at home.

They all stared where they once were walking for a long time.

"I think I'm starting to go crazy," said Zoisite suddenly.

"Keep it together," said Kunzite. "Where are the shelter nerds?"

Only a select few of the original shelter nerds appeared, because the rest were getting disobedient to Kunzite.

"See, I'm a great leader," said Kunzite. "You should all stick with me, and not that savage maniac Nephrite! Anyone with a brain would know that he's talking complete nonsense now, and he's having too much fun hunting hogs, which should be a chore rather than a pleasure!"

"Once you taste the blood, you can't go back to a normal life," said Greg.

"Shut up, nerd," said Kunzite. "Just go start putting some sticks together to lay the foundation for a new hut."

"Make me," scoffed Greg.

"What was that, dweeb?" yelled Shingo. "Even I could clobber you! Listen to Kunzite!"

But Greg pulled out a spear.

"Woah, take it easy," said Zoisite. "We're trying to do what's best for survival!"

"AROOOO!" yelled Greg. "I am no longer a hut building nerd! I am a hunting nerd!"

"That doesn't exist," said Kunzite. "Those two terms are contradictory!"

But Greg ran towards the woods and didn't stop. "Nephrite!" he called. "Wait up!"

"They've all gone mad," said Kunzite sadly.

* * *

A few days passed.

Kunzite, Zoisite, and Shingo sat in their hut.

"I'm scared to go out there," said Zoisite. "The whole camp is deserted. Everyone has become a savage."

"We don't need to go out there," said Kunzite. "We're safe in our hut. Since they're savages, they're not thinking with their heads. They will never be able to get past the walls of our structure."

"That is true," agreed Zoisite. "They are more animal than human at this point, so we have that going for us."

"I can't take it anymore!" yelled Shingo, swinging open the hut door and throwing himself into the sand.

"Woah, what's the matter there, Shingle?" asked Kunzite.

"I can't take it anymore!" repeated Shingo. "I need to be alone!"

He walked out into the forest, and never returned.

"I wonder if we'll ever see him again," said Zoisite.

"He's on a journey to find himself," said Kunzite. He shut the hut door.

"Hey, pass me a berry," he said.

Zoisite looked in the basket. "We're all out."

Kunzite's stomach growled. "Well that's no good. Why didn't we eat that kid instead of letting him wander to his death?"

"You're thinking like a savage!" said Zoisite. "We're civilized people. Let's go check the berry trees for any new fruits."

Zoisite and Kunzite held their spears close, and headed to the trees on the outskirts of the thicket.

"No berries," said Kunzite grimly. "Wanna go in the water and try to catch a fish with our spears?"

"That sounds challenging," said Zoisite. "Fish are too slippery."

"Maybe we should try to escape," considered Kunzite. "Let's build a raft or something."

"We can't," said Zoisite. "Not without the building nerds. I'm a leader nerd, not a lowly builder nerd."

Kunzite paced around in the sand for a while. "Maybe those barbarians got all the crazy out of their systems. Let's go visit their camp and see if they have any extra hog scraps."

"I don't know about this," said Zoisite. "You really think they calmed down?"

"Probably," said Kunzite. "They were once civilized humans, so they can't have gone that far from humanity."

TO BE CONTINUED…


	190. Lord of the Savages: Part 2

"Ah, peace and quiet," said ol' Shingo. "Now, I hope I remember my way back to camp…"

While wandering, Shingo suddenly stumbled upon something disturbing.

"The head of a hog?" asked Shingo out loud.

"Yes," said the head of the hog. "They left me out here to feed to the beast."

"There is no beast," said Shingo. "They are the beast!"

The head shook his head. "You have much to learn, young Shingle."

"It's Shingo," said Shingo.

"That's what I said, ShortOne."

"Hang on, creature," said Shingo. "How am I talking to you? You are but a head of a hog, stabbed with a spear!"

"Cause you've gone mad!" said the head.

"No!" cried Shingo. "I have to get back to camp."

Shingo started sprinting back to camp, but the woods had sunken into the darkness of night.

"Hey!" screamed Shingo. "HEYYYYYY!"

That's when Shingo ran into a tree, and was knocked unconscious.

* * *

Zoisite and Kunzite arrived at the rebel fortress.

"Halt!" said a guard, none other than Melvin. "State your name!"

"You know us," said Zoisite.

"I only know the hunt!" said Melvin. "State your name, or die!"

"Why did you put face paint over your glasses?" said Kunzite. "Are you some kind of idiot?"

"Last warning!" shouted Melvin. "Otherwise I'll be forced to use this!" he said, pointing to his spear.

Kunzite grabbed Melvin's spear and snapped it like the twig it was, and went to barge past Melvin.

But Melvin threw his body down, blocking the only entrance.

"At ease, soldier," said a voice approaching.

"Nephrite!" said Zoisite. "Control your animal!"

"Well, well, look who it is," said Nephrite. "It took you a while, but I'm glad you've come to fear the beast like the rest of us."

"There is no beast," said Zoisite. "You're crazy!"

"Are you becoming a savage or not?" asked Nephrite.

"No," said Zoisite. "We're still trying to get off the island, whereas you guys seem to have moved in."

Motoki ran past Nephrite, nude and howling like an animal.

He turned to Zoisite, and then let out a howl like a wolf howling at the moon.

Zoisite took a step back, and Kunzite put his arm in front of him.

"Stand back, Zoisite," said Kunzite. "This could get dangerous."

"Now, now," said Nephrite. "I'll have you know my entire camp is quite civilized. Would you two like to stay for the ceremony?"

"What kind of ceremony?" said Zoisite. "I hope it's not some tribal nonsense."

"No, no," said Nephrite. "Of course not. We're just going to do the dance to please the beast."

"Oh brother," said Kunzite.

"Will there be food?" asked Zoisite.

"Yes," said Nephrite. "The beast would not allow us to not feast."

"That's oddly specific," said Kunzite.

"Come in," offered Nephrite, pushing some guards aside.

* * *

Zoisite and Kunzite took their slices of hog and sat down on a log.

"Good hog," said Kunzite. "Crazy people, but they know how to cook a hog."

"THE CEREMONY IS ABOUT TO BEGIN!" yelled Jadeite, banging on a rock.

"Hey Jed!" called Zoisite.

"Oh hey guys," said Jed sauntering over.

"Nice abs," commented Zoisite.

"Yes," said shirtless Jed. "The training has got me in shape. Do you like my body paint?"

"Yes," lied Zoisite. "So what are we gonna do in this so-called ceremony?"

"Just watch," said Jadeite.

On cue, people started forming circles, and chanting with their spears.

"Ho ho HA! Ho ho HA!" they screamed. And then, they let out one long, "AROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Jadeite was playing two rocks like a bongo.

"You've really found your place in this world," said Zoisite.

That's when, in the middle of the circles, a couple savages broke into pairs.

One got on all fours and pretended to be a hog, bucking like a wild animal, and the other would pretend to fight the hog, and shove back at the hog whenever it charged.

Gamer Joe, on all fours, kicked the ground and then leapt at Chad.

He threw a headbutt, but Chad fought back, and pushed the hog away. He then pretended to stab it with a spear.

But Joe was a feisty hog, and body-slammed Chad again, causing Chad to fall to the ground.

Everyone cheered.

"AROO!"

"Wait," said Zoisite, trying to follow. "I thought the hog's supposed to lose?"

"The hogs on this island are very mighty," said Jadeite. "They're all minions of the great beast!"

"Why would the great beast want the head of one of its minions?" asked Zoisite, still trying to think logically. "Doesn't that seem like a sign of war?"

"Zoisite," said Kunzite. "You're trying to reason with a pack of apemen."

Suddenly, it appeared Hog Joe had his eye on Jed.

Joe snorted directly towards him, and Jed realized he was being tagged in.

"Wish me luck, boys!" he said, dropping his bongo rocks.

Jed hunched over, pushing back at the animal, as Joe tried to overpower his opponent.

This went on for several hours, and many people switched between hog and human. There were even fights between two hogs, and two humans.

"I think it's time to leave," said Zoisite, when Motoki started snorting at him.

"Wait," said Kunzite. "I think this is the grand finale!"

Everyone started cheering, and the cheer grew louder.

"All hail the great beast!" shouted Nephrite, as Minako, Taiki's forehead, and Ms. Haruna blew horns.

"All hail the great beast!" everyone repeated.

"We are gathered here on this night!" continued Nephrite, shouting over everyone's cries. "To prove that we are mightier than the beast! And we are not afraid of it! And if we ever run into it, we will kill it! Kill the beast! Kill the beast!"

Everyone joined in.

"Kill the beast!"

That's when a mysterious creature came crawling out of the bushes.

"Food…" he begged. "Water."

"THERE'S THE BEAST!" howled Kenji, pointing at Shingo. "KILL HIM!"

"Papa?" asked Shingo. He tried to run, but Kenji threw a piledriver directly into his spine.

And that's when Shingo was surrounded by the feral pack.

They quickly finished him off.

Zoisite and Kunzite stared in horror.

"Did they… did they realize?"

"Yes," said Kunzite. "Shingo was yelling the whole time he died."

Nephrite turned around, while stabbing the beast.

"Hey guys, you want in on this?"

But Zoisite and Kunzite were gone. All that remained was their plate.

* * *

Kunzite and Zoisite didn't sleep all night.

They went over the course of the previous events over and over, but it didn't add up.

"They killed Shingo," said Zoisite. "They're mad!"

"Yes," said Kunzite. "That could have easily been us, if we were idiots!"

"What do we do!?" cried Zoisite. "We can't live on this same island as those animals! They'll turn on us next!"

"It's over," said Kunzite. "Maybe we should just swim out to sea and see how far we get."

"I don't want it to end like this!" said Zoisite. "Maybe there's another way. Maybe if we pretend to be a savage, they won't end us!"

Kunzite shook his head. "We could never pass as savages."

Zoisite bit his thumb.

* * *

Zoisite and Kunzite arrived at the savage camp.

"You really think this will work?" asked Kunzite.

"I don't know," said Zoisite. "But I don't see any other way. If we can't beat these mongrels, we must make an alliance with them, so that we can keep living. We'll agree to provide them with a weekly supply of berries, in exchange for life."

"Good idea," said Kunzite. "It will be like when humans first tried to make civilization."

Zoisite and Kunzite marched in, and Nephrite was waiting for them. Besides him were his two top men, Kenji and Jadeite.

Jadeite was holding a double-ended spear, which shook Zoisite.

"Hello there, men of the forest," said Zoisite slowly, kneeling down and offering the basket of berries.

"Mmm," said Nephrite. "These will make a good garnish for our hog. Unless…"

Nephrite snapped his fingers, and Boxy the Priest ran over.

"Wow," thought Kunzite. "For a man of religion, he's really become feral."

And Kunzite was right, as Boxy now had long hair and only a loincloth, and was covered in body and face paint.

"Boxy," said Nephrite. "Make sure those berries aren't poisonous."

"Yes sir," said Boxy, eating a whole handful.

"Tastes good to me," he said.

"Ah, good work, lackeys," said Nephrite to Zoisite and Kunzite. "However, you haven't proven yourselves yet. You must go out into the forest and stay out there until you defeat the beast!"

"I thought we already killed the beast?" said Zoisite. "You know, that little kid beast. The one you slaughtered."

"No," said Nephrite. "That was just a decoy, sent out by the beast."

Suddenly, Kunzite lost his cool. "You've gone mad, Nephrite. You killed a human!"

Nephrite shrugged. "It was what the beast wanted."

"Enough of this beast nonsense!" yelled Kunzite. "The only beast here is you! And your stupid pawns, Jadeite and Kenji!"

Nephrite shook his head. "I've heard enough," he said. "You are no ally of us hunters. In fact, I think you're in cahoots with the beast!"

Jadeite gasped.

"Hunters, get 'em!" yelled Nephrite.

"No!" yelled Zoisite.

That's when Tomoe, one of the strongest warriors, emerged from the ranks, and thrust his spear at Kunzite.

"Child's play," scoffed Kunzite, weaving around the spear.

"Stop this!" cried Zoisite. "We didn't come here to fight! We came here for civilized discussion!"

That's when Jadeite pulled a rope, and a boulder came rolling down, crushing Kunzite and Tomoe, instantly ending them.

"NOOO!" yelled Zoisite. "WHY?!"

That's when all the warriors turned to Zoisite, even those that weren't particularly warriors but still did chores for the savage camp, such as Melvin.

Zoisite took off into the thicket, as several spears zipped past him.

"AH!" cried Zoisite, as one hit his arm, knocking it out of commission.

Zoisite kept running for his life, and once he couldn't hear the chants, he threw himself in a bush and examined his wound.

"Ouch," said Zoisite. "Tuxedo Mask would find this quite ironic. Too bad he wasn't dragged into this mess."

Suddenly, Zoisite heard the chants approaching, so he took off running again.

"Chanting is a terrible hunting strategy," he thought to himself.

He started hearing chants coming from two sides, and Zoisite knew they were right on his tail.

"I SEE HIM OVER THERE!" shouted Kenji.

"Stupid Kenji!" thought Zoisite.

"We've got him cornered!" called Makoto.

The savages closed in, but Zoisite was nowhere to be found.

"That slippery snake!" said Kenji. "We'll get him yet!"

They all dispersed, as Zoisite climbed down from the tree.

"Phew," he said.

He ran for the shore, but then realized that he'd just be out in the open if he went there.

So, he was forced to settle for hiding in another bush.

He laid there for what felt like hours, and it was in fact hours.

Right when Zoisite was about to climb up and relocate, he heard footsteps.

He held his breath as two little kids stopped to talk a few feet away from where he was.

"Why do we still have to search?" asked Kyuusuke. "Everyone else is back at the camp!"

"Because we're the little ones," sighed Momoko.

"That Nephrite is crazy," said Kyuusuke.

"Yes," said Momoko. "But his lackey Jadeite's even crazier. He said he was going to use that double-ended spear to stab through Zoisite like a hog, and then cook him on a rotisserie."

Zoisite felt very betrayed.

"But we're never gonna find him," said Kyuusuke. "This island is huge! That's why everyone stopped looking!"

"Didn't you hear?" asked Momoko. "That's why Jadeite's going to burn down the forest, to pry Zoisite out like a rat."

Zoisite let out a quiet yelp.

"There he is!" yelled Kyuusuke.

Zoisite knew it was all or nothing, and leapt out of the bush.

"Zoi!" he shouted.

Kyuusuke and Momoko were tossed and killed, and Zoisite confiscated their spears.

But he could only use one because his one arm was broken.

"This will have to do," said Zoisite. "I have no choice but to charge the rebel camp before they burn down the forest."

With that, Zoisite headed down the path back to camp that Kyuusuke had left.

* * *

"Next, we shall craft a FIRE!" shouted Nephrite.

"AROOOOOO!" yelled the camp.

Nephrite grabbed Mr. Kitakata's glasses and held them to the sun.

The light started to burn on a stick.

"Any minute now!" said Jadeite, giddier than he had ever been in his life.

Meanwhile, Zoisite was scaling the wall of the fortress.

Finally he got to the top, and gasped.

"No!" he said. "They're already crafting the fire! I have to wait for the right moment!"

"Alright everyone, begin spreading the fire and lighting each other's torches! It will take a long time for the sun to create a fire, so stand here and hold this," Nephrite said, passing the glasses to Kenji.

"Where are you going?" asked Kenji.

"Jadeite and I are going to lay out Kunzite's corpse for the beast!" explained Nephrite.

"Why aren't I invited?" asked Kenji.

"We need you to guard the camp," said Nephrite.

"From the beast?" said Kenji.

"No, from that pest Zoisite," said Nephrite.

"It would be foolish for him to attack the whole camp," said Kenji.

"Heh heh," thought Zoisite.

"Yeah, you're probably right," said Neph. "But that Zoisite's a crafty one. Don't let your guard down."

"I won't," shrugged Kenji, letting his guard down.

Nephrite and Jadeite headed off.

"Time to make my move," thought Zoisite.

"Halt!" said Greg. "State your name!"

"Zoi!" yelled Zoisite, knocking Greg off the fortress wall and most likely killing him.

"UP THERE!" yelled Kenji. "THE BEAST!"

Several men threw their spears, so Zoisite ducked behind one of the guard posts.

"Quick, scatter!" yelled Kenji. "Don't let him get away!"

But Zoisite wasn't trying to get away.

Zoisite leapt down, dodging several spears, and swung his own spear, decapitating Kenji.

"You're gonna pay for that!" yelled Grandpa, running up and throwing a punch.

But Zoisite countered it, and stabbed Grandpa in the heart, since Grandpa didn't have any of his voodoo magic in these woods.

Zoisite had to give up his spear that was lodged in Grandpa's heart, and threw a kick, killing Chad.

Game Machine Joe did the only thing he knew how to do and got down on all fours, bucking like a bull at Zoisite.

Zoisite grabbed him by the horns and threw him off into the sky.

He shot a beam, and Joe blew up like fireworks.

Next to charge was Yaten base, a powerful base form fighter.

Zoisite threw a punch, but Yaten base caught it with little effort.

Several spears came flying at Zoisite's back, but Zoisite broke free, and Yaten was sliced to pieces.

Makoto, Minako, and Ami came charging, but Zoisite shot petals, stunning them.

He then snatched one of their spears and killed all three in one blow.

Melvin and Molly stood at the edge of the fray, with their silly face paint.

"Down with Zoisite!" they chanted, blowing war horns.

Zoisite turned to them, and threw two spears, killing Melvin and Molly.

Artemis the now feral cat threw himself at Zoisite's face, and went for his vitals, but Zoisite pried him off and threw him to the ground, stomping him until he was no more.

Zoisite turned and shot a wide beam, sending Motoki, Motoki's sister, and the notorious Mama Motoki all flying in a similar manner.

They all disintegrated without a single trace.

Setsuna Meioh ran up and stabbed a spear into Zoisite's leg, and Zoisite dropped to the ground.

"No!" yelled Zoisite. "I will avenge Kunzite!"

He grabbed the frail Hotaru Tomoe and used her as a shield as Setsuna swung down her spear, killing Hotaru.

Setsuna gasped, and Zoisite took the spear out of his leg and stabbed it into Setsuna, killing her.

Zoisite charged up a powerful fire attack, and right as Juuban student #4 threw himself, he unleashed it, ending every miscellaneous Juuban student left.

Taiki's forehead did the only move it could think of, and threw the #Ultimate Headbutt.

Zoisite leapt into the air, and the headbutt missed, instantly causing Taiki's forehead to die from the recoil.

Ms. Haruna, fully nude, suddenly got Zoisite in a full nelson.

"Eeww, a nude woman!" cried Zoisite. "This is unfair!"

Boxy ran up to throw punches at Zoisite's exposed torso, but suddenly dropped dead from the poisonous berries.

Zoisite threw an elbow, instantly wiping out Ms. Haruna.

The rebel camp was in ruins, but there were still a couple stragglers.

Ishihara jumped on Mr. Kitakata's back, and they charged piggyback style.

"On guard!" yelled Ishihara, holding his spear like he would a jousting stick and riding Kitakata like a horse.

Zoisite threw a low sweep, toppling his steed, and then shot an invisible wave, instantly killing them.

"Is it over?" asked Zoisite panting.

That's when, despite injuries far surpassing human comprehension, Motoki's mom leapt to her feet.

She threw her entire soul at Zoisite, taking him to the ground.

She grabbed a spear and swung at his neck, but he dodged at the last second.

"You're not even still alive anymore!" yelled Zoisite. "You're some kind of spirit!"

"Wrong," said Mama Motoki. "I am DETERMINATION!"

"Undertale loser," said Zoisite.

He kicked Mama Motoki into the fire, and she became unrecognizable.

"Phew," said Zoisite. "There's absolutely no way that-"

Mama Motoki, surrounded by flames, threw herself like a comet, taking Zoisite to the ground and burning his skin.

"AHHHHHHHH!" yelled Zoisite, as he looked up at the horrifying unrecognizable creature.

Zoisite used his last ounce of strength to throw Motoki's mom a couple feet away, where she burnt to ashes.

Zoisite waited for 20 minutes, but she didn't arise.

"That was scary," said Zoisite. "That was the most terrifying experience of my life."

* * *

Jadeite and Nephrite dragged Kunzite through the woods.

"Here should be good," said Nephrite.

"How do you know?" asked Jed. "Did the beast tell you?"

"Sure," said Nephrite.

"Nephrite," asked Jed. "When will I get to meet the beast?"

"When he's ready," explained Nephrite, in a tone that suggested he was annoyed.

"Ah, goodie!" exclaimed Jed.

"Now let's go back to camp," said Nephrite. "Hopefully they haven't started burning the forest down without us."

That's when Zoisite used his trickery, and somehow managed to separate Jadeite from Nephrite.

"What's going on?" demanded Jadeite. "How did I get here?"

"Don't worry," said Zoisite, appearing. "It's trickery beyond your comprehension. I didn't even need to use my Negapowers."

"You're foolish to try to fight me!" said Jadeite. "I have a double-ended spear!"

"So what?" said Zoisite. "That doesn't make much of a difference. It just makes it harder to hold."

"No," said Jadeite. "You could turn a block into a counter-attack, and vice-versa."

"Ah, really?" asked Zoisite. "I never thought about it that way. Tell me more about the advantages of a double-ended spear."

"Well," began Jadeite.

"Never mind," said Zoisite. "It's over."

That's when a crystal flew up from behind Jadeite, killing him.

"And that's why I'm higher ranking," concluded Zoisite.

"But that Nephrite's going to be a fiend."

* * *

Nephrite stood in the ruins of his empire.

"What happened here?!" he demanded.

"END… MEEEEEE!" yelled Melvin, in inhuman pain.

"Sorry, no can do," said Nephrite. "I'll leave it to the beast."

"Gee, thanks!" said Melvin, laying back down.

Suddenly, a crystal came flying from behind Nephrite.

Nephrite spun around and swung his arm, destroying the crystal.

"When Molly's not distracting me, I'm quite the fighter," stated Nephrite. "She actually almost caused my demise twice, and actually caused my demise that last time. I mean I could have easily caught the Moon Tiara. Jadeite did in his sleep! But that pest Molly… may she rest in peace…"

"It's over, Nephrite," said Zoisite.

"Did you destroy my pack of savages?" demanded Nephrite.

"No," said Zoisite. "It was the beast."

"Really?" said Nephrite, getting giddy.

"No, you idiot," said Zoisite. "There is no beast!"

"Take that back!" said Nephrite. "The beast is all I have left! I take from the fact that you're coming for me that Jadeite's gone. The moment I looked over and he wasn't there, I knew you were using your trickery to lure him away."

"You know what his last words were?" said Zoisite. "'The beast wasn't real after all!'"

"Lies!" said Nephrite. "Jadeite would never betray the beast!"

Nephrite charged Zoisite at top speeds, and Zoisite was spooked but had to fight for his life.

Zoisite was surprisingly keeping up.

"Wow," said Zoisite. "It must be the best day of my life, and the worst day of Nephrite's. Well, he clearly hasn't been in his right mind for a while, and eating only hog must have an impact on the brain."

Nephrite threw a kick, but Zoisite used his happy feet to leap out of the way.

"Happy feet!" yelled Melvin.

Zoisite killed Melvin, and threw a wild kick.

Nephrite caught it, and threw Zoisite into the ground.

But Zoisite sprung to life, and they began clashing at rapid speeds.

That's when a big head appeared.

"Ah, there you are!" yelled Queen Beryl. "I've been looking all over for you devils! Why didn't you come to my birthday party?!"

"Queen Beryl!" cried Zoisite, escaping the battle. "HEEEELP!"

"What's going on?" demanded Beryl. "Where is everyone?"

"The great and mighty beast stole them from us," said Nephrite solemnly. "So we have to burn down the jungle."

"Nephrite, have you gone feral?" asked Beryl.

That's when Zoisite gained his bearings and threw a powerful punch.

FIN


	191. Jed Gets SWATed

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Oh?" said Beryl.

"Yes," said Jadeite. "You see, the humans…"

"...?" asked Beryl confused, after Jadeite paused for a long time.

Jadeite was starting to get antsy. "Queen Beryl, may I be excused?"

"What?! WHY!?" demanded Beryl.

"...I told my subs that I would be livestreaming in five minutes. I have to get home so I can prepare to go live."

"Go ahead," sighed Beryl. "Everybody gets one."

"Gee, thanks!" said Jed. He skipped away.

* * *

Jadeite turned on all eight of his monitors and set up his $400 mic.

He booted up his three graphics cards and modified gaming PC.

Finally, he launched his mobile phone emulator for PC.

The clock struck 11:50 AM and it was time to go live.

"Hello and good morning!" said Jed into his $400 mic. "As previously announced on my Twitter, I will be livestreaming the new Club Parakeet app, Club Parakeet Island! It is quite unfortunate that Bisney bought out Club Parakeet and then shut it down soon after, but this app looks promising."

Jed booted up the app and waited 5 minutes for it to load.

"Mmmmmm. Graphics look pretty decent!"

He logged onto his parakeet "Jadeite McSwag" and entered the main plaza.

"Moderate population, terrific!" he commented. "I wonder how I get to the other zones."

However he soon found out there weren't any.

"Well this is a shame," said Jadeite.

Jadeite decided it was time to grind for some coins and entered a minigame.

Then like any good streamer he read the comments people were leaving on the side and answered them even though they would not show up if someone watched his stream later.

"Let's see," he began. "We have a comment from _NotZoisite that says, 'Jump off a bridge, loser!' Haha, good one! But sadly I have to finish my stream."

Jadeite scrolled down past some spam to another comment. "This one's from G-Pa_245." The comment read, "Have you seen that latest Steven Universe ep?"

"Haha, yes I have! I actually saw it 5 months before it came out via leak," said Jed. "It was certainly not my fave. I'm not a fan of Ronaldo filler."

Another comment popped up immediately after he said this.

"Steven Universe has no filler!" said M31V1N6969.

Jadeite paused his game.

"You talkin' to me?" demanded Jadeite.

"Yes," replied the anonymous troll. "Rebbaca Glucose said that there is no filler in SU!"

"L. M. A. O," said Jadeite. "Episodes about random humans such as Motoki and Sour Cream have no effect on the plot."

"Them's fighting words!" replied the troll.

"HAHAAH!" laughed Jadeite loudly. "Viewers, are you seeing this dolt? Clearly he knows nothing about SU." Jadeite got mad and muted the troll in his stream chat. "GG EZ GET REKT!" he said out loud.

Jadeite continued to laugh into his mic. "Wow, that was HILARIOUS!"

He resumed his Club Parakeet Island session.

"Alright, seems we got another question from some unknown user named 'Swagaru Chiba.' He asks, 'What is your favorite color Poofle?'"

"Oh man," began Jadeite, catching a giddy. "What an excellent question! Now to begin let me explain to the viewers the difference between the Poofle species. You see after 2005 they released a new generation of Poofles that all have better st-"

Suddenly there was a loud crash from outside his dark space.

"Is someone here?!" he demanded turning around. He heard various voices outside but could not make out what they were saying.

"Hello?" he called. "Are they finally replacing that vending machine outside my house?"

Just then, Jadeite's door was kicked down and 20 men in SWAT uniforms burst in.

"YO?!" cried Jadeite. "Am I getting SWATed?"

The SWAT team tackled Jadeite to the floor. He reached for his webcam to turn it off but they pile-drove him into the ground.

Chat stopped in his stream chat as everyone watched Jed getting pummeled by the SWAT team live.

"Where's the bomb?!" demanded the SWAT team, kicking him from all angles.

Jadeite got mad and tried to throw a punch but he was quickly stopped and pummeled again.

"LOL" said _NotZoisite in chat. "WHO DID THIS? AHAHAHAHA"

Jadeite was patted down and forced to get on his knees with his hands behind his head.

"Just let me turn off the camera!" cried Jadeite.

"He's resisting!" yelled a SWAT member when Jadeite dove for the webcam. They took out their tasers and sent Jadeite to heck and back.

After two hours of searching every corner of his dark space but finding nothing, the SWAT team let him off with a warning.

At some point during this time one of the SWAT members turned the webcam away and all the viewers could hear was the sounds of voices and lots of sounds of things being moved.

When Jadeite was finally able to crawl back over to his stream, he saw that he had gained 200 more viewers during the course of the SWAT.

Jadeite turned off his webcam at last and ended his Club Parakeet session as he was kicked for AFK a long time ago.

"Who could have done this?!" thought Jadeite in bewilderment.

Suddenly he got a direct message on his streaming service.

It was from "TheStarsRuleAll1997." All the message had was one link to a Twitch stream.

"Leave me alone, advertiser!" replied Jadeite. "I won't subscribe to your stream!"

"It's me, Nephrite, dummy," replied TheStarsRuleAll1997. "Check that out, it's important."

"Yea right," scoffed Jadeite. "Everyone knows the stars are Kunzite's thing!"

"What?!" howled Nephrite over the computer. "Just check the stream, I'm doing you a favor."

"Alright, alright." replied Jed. "But if this is some kind of scam I am banning you from my stream chat."

He checked the stream. "Hey… this is that kid Melvin's stream!" he realized. The view count went up from 4 to 5 when Jadeite joined. "I wonder if he has any connection to that SU fanboy from earlier?"

His prediction was in fact correct, as soon into the stream Melvin went into a rant about human characters and world building.

Suddenly Melvin pulled out a telephone. "This'll teach that FOOL!" he snickered. "Hello? 911? This is Melvin. The guy across the street from me looks like he is building some kind of explosive! The address is 188 Main Street, Negaverse City, Negaverse, 00001."

"WHAT?!" cried Jadeite. "That's my address!"

He gasped.

"That punk is the one who SWATed me!"

Jadeite was very mad. Livid in fact.

"If he wants a war, then he's got one!"

Jadeite pulled out his telephone.

* * *

Melvin walked to school with his friend Molly.

"This is the best milkshake I've ever had!" he told her giddily.

"What flavor is it MAYLVEN?"

"Chocolate bacon peanut cranberry!" he snorted. "It cost me $20!"

"Wow," said Molly.

Just then, a helicopter landed in front of them.

"Hey, what gives?!" demanded Melvin.

Several men in SWAT uniforms swarmed down on ropes and tackled Melvin to the ground.

"MOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY" he howled.

"MEYLVAN!" cried Molly.

A SWAT man took Melvin's milkshake and tossed it in a bomb diffusion box.

"NOOO!" cried Melvin.

They pummeled Melvin and he was very late for school.

"Why did this happen?!" he thought sadly in the late kid detention room. "Who would have seen an innocent boy like me walking by and think I had a bomb?! Unless…"

Melvin knew something was off.

"Time to check that guy's live stream," he decided.

Melvin pulled out his MacBook Pro and loaded the Twitch.

"Hey guys, it's me, Jadeite!" said Jadeite. "Today we'll be farming coins on Club Parakeet Island."

Melvin rewinded the stream which was currently live. "It's gotta be in here somewhere! No one in their right mind would SWAT someone and not livestream themselves doing it."

He spotted Jadeite on the phone as he rewinded it and stopped the video and clicked play.

"WHAT?!" squawked Melvin as he saw it all go down. "This isn't fair! I wasn't even streaming anything!"

* * *

"Queen Beryl," said Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"It better be good," said Beryl. "Since I did a kind deed and let you leave early to do your stream."

"Did you watch?" asked Jadeite.

Beryl stifled a snicker. "No," she lied.

"Ah, good," said Jadeite. "Things went south for the winter. Anyway, my plan begins with-"

"Hey," said Beryl. "Do you hear a ruckus outside? Is it that rowdy crowd of Youmas?"

"Oh no," said Jadeite. "Not here! Come on!"

"Jadeite, what's going on?" demanded Beryl.

Jadeite tried to run, but that's when 30 men in SWAT uniforms burst through the ceiling of the Negaverse and landed in front of him.

"Hand over the bomb!" one shouted.

"I don't have a bomb!" cried Jadeite.

The men threw Jadeite to the ground and started giving him one of the biggest beatings in his life.

"Hey!" screamed Beryl. "How dare you march into my kingdom and start beating on my employees!"

"An accomplice?" asked one of the SWAT members.

"No," said Beryl. "I've never seen that guy in my life, don't call me an accomplice!"

"Beryl!" cried Jadeite as he was pummeled.

After ten hours the SWAT team backed down and left.

"They… they didn't even search me!" said Jadeite.

"Who could have done that to you?" demanded Beryl.

"I think I might have an idea," said Jadeite.

* * *

Melvin raised his hand. "Square root of 42!" he howled.

"Correct," said his cram school teacher. "Now, can you explain how you got your answer?"

"Ah, of course," said Melvin. "I just took the denominator, and-"

That's when the door was busted down by men in SWAT uniforms.

"Oh goodness!" cried the teacher. "Is something wrong?"

"Get down on the ground!" yelled the SWAT men. "Unless you want a beating too!"

"What nerve!" yelled the teacher. "I'm trying to teach here!"

The SWAT team threw her to the floor, and then climbed right over her and started shoving desks out of the way.

They picked up a desk with a kid still attached and threw it out the window.

Melvin at first thought this was just a routine drug inspection, but as they continued to plow in his direction, he began to get spooked.

"You're not here for me, are you?" he asked nervously.

"GET EM!" screamed the SWAT team.

"NO!" squawked Melvin. "I don't have any bombs!"

"He said 'BOMBS!'" howled a SWAT man.

They picked up Melvin by the head as he tried to run away and threw him to the ground.

Then they picked up his Macbook, and snapped it on their knee.

"This is no bomb," they said. "The kid must have put it in his pocket!"

"Why would you try to snap a bomb on your knee!?" cried Melvin. "This can't be legal!"  
A SWAT member picked him up and then dropped him on their knee.

Then they swung him by the legs into the ground, and then into a wall.

"That's enough!" cried one of Melvin's classmates, stepping in between them.

But a SWAT member threw a punch, shattering every bone in her body.

"Bunch of savages!" cried Melvin.

They tried to unscrew Melvin's head, but they couldn't get enough friction, so they threw him out a window.

As Melvin flew out the window, he could have sworn he saw someone floating nearby with a camera.

"JADEEIIIITE!" howled Melvin. "You'll pay for this!"

Melvin collided with the cold hard concrete, and every bone in his body was no more.

* * *

Melvin laid in his hospital bed, in a full body cast.

"Uuuuugh," he moaned. "I'm in inhuman pain! Can't I have more medicine, doc?"

"No," said Doctor Mizuno. "You shouldn't have threatened to blow up the school!"

"I would never!" cried Melvin.

The doctor left, and he sighed.

"Woe is me. All that's left for me is misery."

That's when he heard some commotion in the halls.

It got increasingly loud, and then it was right outside Melvin's door.

"Keep it down!" yelled Melvin. "Is this some kind of jamboree?"  
That's when the door to his hospital room was busted down, and 20 men in SWAT uniforms entered the small room.

"WHAT?!" cried Melvin. "This can't be! I'm clearly not the guy you're looking for, I'm in a body cast and can't move! But I think the guy went down the hall and took a left! I'd try looking there!"

A SWAT man ran up and threw Melvin's body cast into the wall.

Melvin was still connected to the IV machine, so he pulled it with him.

"OWWW!" he screamed.

The SWAT team ripped the IV off of him, and then began beating him with the machine.

"STOP!" whimpered Melvin. "I can't move! I'm dying!"

A SWAT member leapt high into the air, and then leapt down on his body cast, shattering it.

One SWAT man decided to break Melvin's spine, so he did just that, by throwing a powerful punch to a vital area.

They picked him up and began spinning him around by the legs.

Then they tossed him in the air, and another SWAT man leapt high up and spiked him down with an overhead mallet punch.

He landed in the bed, and they lit it ablaze.

They threw many kicks and jabs until they figured Melvin had a sufficient beatdown.

"Don't do it again," said the SWAT man.

"Do… what?!" squeaked Melvin.

The SWAT member ran back and threw a leaping kick, and then left.

"SWATed twice?!" screamed Melvin once they were gone. "That breaks all the rules of SWATing! You're not allowed to SWAT someone twice in a row! The SWAT team has become a weapon at anyone's disposal, which they can send to go beat people up! I only did it to Jadeite as a joke! I didn't think it would come to this. Who SWATs someone when they're not even streaming!? Y YY YY Y Y YYY Y Y!"

* * *

"Hey guys," said Jadeite. "It's odd. Melvin hasn't streamed in a while. I wonder if he's crippled for life heheh! I hope the SWAT didn't kill him… then I'd have no one else to SWAT!"

Jadeite looked at his stream chat.

"Melvin's barely alive," someone told him.

"LOL!" laughed Jadeite. "Anyway, it's time to stream some more LoL AKA League of Legends! Today I'll be fighting a boss, maybe I'll win."

Jadeite booted up League of Legends, and tapped his fingers on the table as it loaded.

"As always, send me weapons and gear please! I will give you a shout-out when you send me stuff!"

Jadeite checked his mailbox once he got on, but nothing came.

"Heh," he laughed angrily. "Well what can you do? Alright, it's time to buy some power-ups. Let's see here."

That's when the people watching the stream heard the infamous sound, "BrrrRrrrrrrrrrrrr," like some sort of missile falling from the sky.

"Should I buy this skin?" asked Jadeite. "I'll let you guys decide."

"MISSILE!" someone typed in chat.

"Huh?" said Jadeite. "I thought that sound was coming from the game."

That's when he listened closely.

Suddenly, the webcam flashed to orange, and then red, and then yellow, and there was a loud scream, but an even more blaring explosion.

The stream instantly ended.

10 minutes later, Jadeite reconnected.

He looked brutally bashed.

"Hey all," he said. "So apparently someone called an airdrop on me. I hope that wasn't live!"

"It was," said a username that was just numbers in the chat.

"Hey!" said Jadeite. "You! You don't frequent this stream! Who are you?!"

"Heh," said the number man. "L-O-L."

"I hope you're talking about League of Legends, boy!" screamed Jadeite into his mic.

Jadeite switched to Melvin's stream quickly.

All that was happening in the stream was Melvin typing on a keyboard, but Jadeite knew.

"Ah," said Jadeite. "I see. Well then."

Jadeite ended his stream.

* * *

Melvin continued to type on his keyboard.

He was still in a partial body cast and back brace, but his hands were free at last.

"I am the best," he told his stream of three.

One of the three logged off.

"Heh," said Melvin. "Everyone must have a lot to do today. I know I do!"

That's when Jadeite appeared in Melvin's room.

"AHA!" said Melvin. "So you finally found the guts to face me, instead of sending me a DOUBLE SWAT like some kind of monster!"

"U mad bro?" asked Jadeite.

"No," said Melvin. "I'm not the guy that got hit by an airstrike."

"But you're the guy who got hit by lightning," said Jadeite.

"Nope," said Melvin. "Not that one either."

That's when Jadeite shot lightning out of his palms.

Melvin was burnt to a crisp, but luckily he had the SWAT team on speed dial.

He didn't even have to say anything into the phone, and then the SWAT team instantly arrived in helicopters.

"Now you've done it!" yelled Jadeite. "You've doomed us both!"

Melvin tried to take his own life, but the SWAT team got him by the neck.

"You SWAT yourself, kid?" demanded the SWAT team. "Why I oughtta!"

The SWAT team threw Melvin on the ground, and took turns doing piledrivers until all 30 men got at least 2 turns.

Meanwhile, Jadeite decided it was all or nothing, and tried to throw a punch.

But that was the biggest mistake he ever made.

Jadeite got tasered from seven different angles, and built up so much electrostatic charge that Melvin was zapped to death.

Jadeite was then pummeled.

As a punch flew his way, Jadeite caught one of the SWAT member's arms, and then caused him to explode.

"AHHHH!" cried the SWAT team.

Jadeite spawned a bomb, and tried to throw it at the SWATTies.

But they defused it in mid-air, and then pummeled Jadeite with the empty shell.

It was still all or nothing, so Jadeite bit a man's leg and then threw a headbutt, killing another one.

But 20 SWAT members took its place, and threw five consecutive dropkicks, sending Jadeite into a whirlwind of pain.

Jadeite called an airstrike.

"Terrorists!" he yelled into the phone.

"Say no more," said the airstriker.

The SWAT team scattered like ants from water, but the airstrike wiped them all out.

Jadeite hung on by a thread of life, and laid there for ten days before he got the strength to teleport back to the Negaverse.

"I beat the SWAT team," he said.

FIN


	192. The Great Feast

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Tell it to me now," said Beryl.

"Right-o," said Jadeite. "It is time we take the rebellious energy of the young!"

"Jadeite," said Beryl. "I could have sworn you told me this one before."

"No," said Jadeite.

"Yes," argued Beryl. "Episode 2, in fact."

"Yes," said Jadeite. "But I didn't tell you about it."

Beryl considered letting him slide, but decided not to cut Jeddy a break.

"No," said Beryl. "Come up with a new source of energy."

Jadeite shot lightning out of his palms, but Beryl absorbed it in her ball.

Jadeite waited.

The ball reflected the blast, zapping Jadeite with lightning.

"Youch," said Jed. "Alright, let me think."

The doors swung open, and Kenji Tsukino sprinted in on all fours.

He hopped onto Beryl's lap.

"Ah, Kenji!" said Beryl. "Attaboy!"

Jadeite narrowed his eyes. "What is this?" he demanded.

Kunzite appeared at once. "No!" he said. "I'm Beryl's lapdog!"

"Move aside," said Kenji.

"Yes," said Beryl. "Both of you, scram. My true lapdog is Endymion!"

"Wrong," said Endymion. "I only fight with Kunzite because I don't like him, not because I want to be your lapdog."

Suddenly the rest of the Shitennou came in.

"Oh boy," said Zoisite. "If Endymion AND Kenji are here, it must be some kind of jamboree. Where are the party favors?"

"Not the kind of jamboree I want to be at," said Jadeite. "Let's go boys, we've been replaced."

"I hate you, Beryl!" yelled Kunzite, and they all went to leave.

"Wait," said Beryl. "Kenji has something important to tell us."

Endymion left.

"Boys," said Kenji, getting on his feet and wiping off his suit. "It's time."

The Shitennou waited.

"I would like to invite you all to dinner," said Kenji

"Ah, good," said Zoisite. "I'm glad you're taking that step first, instead of jumping right into things."

"Shut up," said Kenji. "Gay kid."

Zoisite was floored.

"Am I invited?" asked Beryl.

Kenji laughed. "You're the very first one invited!"

"What's the occasion?" asked Jadeite.

"None in particular," said Kenji. "But I think in America there's some kind of holiday going on right now, about eating. And I didn't want to eat with just my family, because I hate them. Especially lil Shingle."

"I hate him too," said Beryl. "Lil rat kid."

"Wait," said Kunzite. "Is your home on Earth?"

"Yes," said Kenji.

"Wise choice," said Nephrite.

Kenji nodded. "I will see you all there at 6pm."

"Do we need disguises?" asked Jadeite, getting giddy.

"If you want," said Kenji. "It's not like my daughter is Sailor Moon or anything wacky like that, so my normal human family won't recognize your Shitennou uniforms at all. Actually, my cat might be affiliated with the Sailors somehow. She has a birthmark very similar to the black cat that hangs around with the Sailors in all photos."

"Ha," said Kunzite. "I'm not scared of a cat."

"Me neither," said Kenji. "Catch ya on the flip side!"

Kenji teleported away with toast particles.

"Wow," said Zoisite.

* * *

Ikuko Tsukino heard a knock on the door.

"Who's there?" she called.

"Ah," said Kenji. "That must be the guests I invited over."

"Guests?" asked Shingle. "Papa, you don't have any friends. AHAHAHAHA!"

"Do you want the old belt again, son?" asked Kenji.

Shingo piped down, and Kenji answered the door.

As soon as the door opened, Luna sprung up like a wild animal, and let out a wild hiss.

She sensed major Negavibes, but sadly she couldn't say anything about it in front of the family.

She went up to Usagi and started clawing at her, but Usagi was eating some pie, and threw a backhand.

"Back off!" said Usagi. "I'm trying to eat here!"

Standing at the door was some red-haired lady in a long gown. She wasn't wearing anything goofy on her head, for example that boomerang-like headpiece, but she still seemed over-dressed for the occasion.

Beside her stood a tan sea captain, and local hero Maxfield Stanton.

The two in the back weren't sporting nearly as good disguises. Zoisite was wearing the full Shitennou uniform except for the jacket, and instead was sporting an undershirt. Kunzite was wearing his full Shitennou uniform, but had a tie on.

"I thought I'd dress up," he told the others. "Since we're being treated to dinner after all."

"Ah," said Usagi, looking up. "It's that cute sea captain!"

"Who are you?" asked Jadeite.

"D'ah," said Usagi. "I was wearing a disguise that day. He won't recognize me. Sad."

"What is this!?" yelled Shingo. "Did a clown car break down outside our house, and they need to call for a ride back to the circus?"

"Your kid needs some discipline," said Jadeite. "Own any belts?"

"Yes," said Kenji. "I'll give him a stern whacking after dinner."

"You couldn't whack me if you tried, old man!" yelled Shingo.

"Shingo," said Ikuko. "Sit down and eat your food, and stop causing such a ruckus."

"Hello, young boys," said Grandpa, sitting at the head of the table with a bib, awaiting his meal.

"Say," said Usagi. "Where's Rei and Chad?"

"Ah," said Grandpa. "Sadly they weren't invited. Kenji only invited me."

"I'm a smart man," stated Kenji.

"Wow," said Jadeite. "What a line up. You invited the all-stars to this dinner."

Jadeite took his seat next to Ikuko.

"Mmm," he said. "What's for grub?"

"Lots of things," said Ikuko. "Kenji told me he'd be having many friends over, so I made a full buffet."

"Hot dog!" said Jadeite. "I haven't eaten this good in years!"

"You didn't even get your food yet," said Maxfield.

"Maxfield Stanton," said Ikuko. "It's a pleasure to meet you."

"Maxfield Stanton," thought Usagi. "Hmm, that name sounds familiar. But it's so generic, I just can't put my finger on it."

That's when none other than Kunzite of the Negaverse sat down at the table, right next to Shingle.

Usagi let out a gasp.

"Luna!" she cried.

Luna just hissed at her, and gave her a look like this had been what she was trying to tell her all along or something.

"So much negative vibes," thought Luna. "Surely at least one of them is from the Negaverse!"

Usagi continued to stare at Kunzite in shock, wondering why on Earth her dad would invite such an evil man to dinner.

"Eyes to yourself," said Zoisite. "He's taken."

Usagi had no choice but to try to make a break for her room, to grab the Moon Wand which she had hanging on the wall.

But Ikuko blocked her path.

"Where do you think you're going?" she asked.

"Pls," said Usagi. "I need to get something important. It will take one second!"

"It's rude to leave the dining table without being dismissed," said Ikuko, who was one with Japanese customs. "Sit back down."

Usagi tried to make a break for it, but Ikuko threw a backhand, and then threw three punches to Usagi's stomach, and then a wild kick.

Usagi dropped to the floor. "NO!" she said. "We're all in danger!"

"Wombo combo!" yelled Shingo.

"Can it, loser," said Kenji. "You're next."

Jadeite had a fork and knife in his hand, and was banging the table.

"Where's my food!?" he demanded.

"Jadeite!" said Beryl. "Show some manners, you're embarrassing us!"

"Sorry," said Queen Beryl to Ikuko.

Usagi tried to crawl away, but Ikuko threw a powerful kick, paralyzing her.

She got back in her chair.

"Now you will stay until your plate is clean and you are dismissed!" shouted Ikuko.

"Yes mom," said Usagi sadly.

"Strict parents," said Zoisite. "I could never live in this kind of house. Hey, pass the ketchup?"

Usagi passed the ketchup.

"Say thank you," yelled Beryl at Zoisite. "We're guests here!"

"Thanks," mumbled Zoisite.

Finally the food arrived, and Jadeite dug in with his hands.

Shingle did too, and was chewing with his mouth open.

"Kids," shrugged Kenji out loud.

"I know, right?" said Beryl.

"Stop that," said Kunzite to Shingle. "You're contaminating my plate!"

"Shut up, white-haired dweeb!" barked Shingle. "What are you, 80? Where are your dentures?"

"Shingle!" said Kenji. "Don't talk to Kunzite that way!"

Usagi looked at Kenji in shock. "Did you say Kunzite?" she asked.

"Yes," said Kenji. "He's my friend from the Dark Kingdom."

Luna let out a loud meow.

"No pets at the table," said Ikuko, throwing a kick at Luna.

Luna dodged, and fled away.

"Wild cat," said Zoisite.

"I've always been a fan of animals," said Kunzite.

"Kenji my boy," said Grandpa. "Your daughter is in her prime."

"What does that mean?" asked Kenji angrily.

"It means it's time she wed," stated Grandpa. "Are you looking for any suitors?"

"No," said Kenji. "I already have a suitor for my daughter. He lives around the same neighborhood. His name is Gurio Umino."

Nephrite, who had been enjoying his food this whole time, put down his fork.

"That boy is bad news," said Nephrite. "I've heard from Molly that he dressed up like a girl once for a talent show."

"Wait!" said Usagi. "You expect me to marry Melvin?!"

"Yes," said Ikuko. "We've already arranged it with his parents."

"Melvin," said Kenji. "Now there's a boy for you! Ho ho ho!"

"No," said Nephrite. "He dressed up like a girl to sing in a talent show. Molly told me herself," he repeated.

"You know Molly?" asked Ikuko. "Are you her adopted father or something?"

"No," said Nephrite. "We've been dating for a long time."

"That can't be right," said Ikuko. "Molly is just a young girl, and you're a grown man."

"Wait," said Usagi. "Maxfield Stanton…"

"Hey," said Zoisite. "There's this guy Mamoru Chiba, and he's dating a young girl too. I think she's also named Usagi."

"Well that can't be our girl," said Kenji. "She is not dating anyone, especially not a grown man. Otherwise, I might have to have a serious talk with my daughter, one involving a belt."

"Hmm," said Zoisite. "Did you know Mamoru Chiba is Tuxedo Mask? Total nuisance."

"Now that I think about it, my daughter does look at this locket a lot. But she said a boy did not give it to her," stated Kenji.

"What if she's a lesbian?" asked Jadeite.

"Jadeite," said Beryl. "Can you control yourself?"

"No," said Jadeite sadly.

"This is a table," said Beryl. "We don't use language like that."

"Amen," said Ikuko.

"I think Ikuko's a lesbian!" blurted out hyperboy Shingle.

That's when Kenji stood up, pushing out his chair.

"Shingle," he said. "Come with me."

Shingle took off running, and Kenji took off his belt.

"It's time!" shouted Kenji, dashing off.

"Mmm," said Grandpa. "I wouldn't mind if I were Shingle right now. Hoo hoo!"

The Shitennou looked at him, and everyone stopped eating.

Ikuko looked around awkwardly.

Suddenly they heard Shingo scream, followed by the sound of some sort of whip.

"YOUCH!" yelled Shingo.

Then they heard the sound of Shingo throwing a blow.

"OWWWWWWW!" yelled Kenji. "You're gonna pay for that!"

This was followed by more whip sounds.

"This isn't the worst dinner I've been to," admitted Beryl.

"This food's delicious!" said Jadeite, regaining his appetite.

Kenji sat down at the table with a black eye.

"Shingo is no longer with us," he said with fake sadness.

"What happened?" asked Jadeite.

"He hit the hay," said Kenji. "Permanently."

"Sad," said Zoisite. "I'm gonna miss the little bugger."

Kunzite leaned over and whispered in Kenji's ear, "What really happened?"

"I knocked his lights out permanently," said Kenji, not in a whisper.

Ikuko started to cry.

"I'm not hungry anymore," said Usagi. She took this opportunity to flee.

Luna was waiting for her in her room.

"Usagi!" cried Luna. "Did you hear what happened to Shingle?!"

"I don't care about that," said Usagi. "That was Kunzite down there!"

"Yes," said Luna. "And my instincts tell me the rest were associated with the Negaverse as well, even Queen Beryl!"

"That name does sound familiar," admitted Usagi. "What do we do?! Do you think they have found out my identity and have come to attack, or are they really somehow pals with Kenji?"

"Kenji is an evil man," said Luna. "He just killed his son recently. Either way, I think it's time to call the other Scouts."

"Right," said Usagi. "Go grab the communicator, I'll try to hold them off with my Moon Wand.

She picked it up, but suddenly the door opened.

Kunzite, the other guy who looked somewhat familiar but could not be placed, Maxfield Stanton, and the sea captain all entered the room.

Usagi had no choice but to hide the Moon Wand in her bust.

"Get lost going to the bathroom?" she asked. "It's the other way down the hall."

"No," said Kunzite. "Kenji sent us up here to hang out with his daughter, because they're doing an after-dinner poker game, and they said it was only for the mature. Apparently they think I'm a young kid or something, ridiculous."

"Nice room," said Zoisite, sitting down on the bed next to Luna. "Can I pet your kitty?"

"No," said Usagi. "She doesn't like people."

Luna tried to escape, and did.

However, the communicator was still in the bedroom.

"Drat!" thought Luna. "I guess I'll have to run to their houses on foot! The closest house is Ami's, but sadly that's 10 miles away!"

Luna took off running.

"Uh, how about you guys go into Shingle's room?" asked Usagi. "I'm not really in the mood for company after… uh… the death of my brother!"

"Ah!" said Jadeite. "I remember what it was like when I was a teenager. So much love drama. I feel ya!"

"You didn't even go to high school," said Nephrite. "You dropped out to join the army."

"Which army?!" demanded Usagi. "Who are you people, really?!"

"Ah," said Jadeite. "I remember it like it was yesterday. It was the midst of the Vietnam War, and America asked Japan for some soldiers. I was drafted, unfortunately."

"No," said Usagi. "That was many years ago, longer than you could have been alive."

"Alright, you got me," said Jadeite. "I dropped out because I didn't feel like going."

"Good story," said Zoisite. "I could have come up with a better one though."

Usagi turned to see Kunzite looking through her dressers.

"Mmmm," he considered.

"Get out of there!" said Usagi. "You socially awkward guy!"

Kunzite shrugged. "I should be down there playing poker."

Jadeite turned on the TV. "Ah, you have the Sailor V game! I hate the Sailors!"

"Aha!" said Sailor Moon. "Why would a sea captain hate Sailors?"

"Oops," said Jadeite. He thought of a story fast. "I don't like fake sailors," said Jadeite. "I'm the only real sailor."

"True that," said Maxfield. "Hey, young girl. Are you in need of tennis lessons?"

"No!" barked Usagi.

"Hmm," said Nephrite. "What school do you go to?"

"Juuban," said Sailor Moon.

"Ahh!" said Nephrite. "Do you know my girl Molly? She goes there too!"

"Wait a minute, Nephrite?!" asked Usagi.

"Yeah?" said Nephrite. "Oh, shoot! How'd you know?"

Usagi thought for a long time. She considered taking one out with the Moon Wand, but surely the other three would blitz her. And her transformation takes so long, that they'd easily be able to end her. She also didn't know if she could use the Moon Wand in her base or not. If it didn't work, it'd be a suicide. Additionally, if she attacked Kunzite with the Moon Wand, he'd hold her off long enough for the other three to blitz her. But if she didn't go for him…

"Molly told me," said Usagi. "She's a good pal."

"Yes," said Nephrite. "She's the greatest!"

"NOOOOO!" shouted Jadeite.

Usagi jumped out of her skin. "What!?" she demanded.

"I just died! And that was my final life!" screamed Jadeite.

He threw the stick at the TV screen, sending the screen to the ground.

"Hey!" said Usagi.

"Sorry," said Jed, putting the TV back where it was. "There's only a few minor cracks, it should be fine."

"Well, I'm going to go downstairs and see how my mom is doing. She didn't take Shingo's finale lightly," said Usagi.

She headed for the door, but Kunzite slid in the way.

"Sorry," he said. "Kenji said he didn't want anyone interrupting the poker game, or he'd have Queen Beryl kill them."

"Hmm," thought Usagi. "I need to use the restroom," she said.

"Sorry," said Kunzite. "I can't let anyone leave this room. It's for your own good, that Kenji is a lunatic!"

Usagi retreated. She looked out the blinds to see how far of a fall it would be. She could slide down part of the roof, but it'd still be a pretty big fall. But if she did get down, she would have enough time to transform.

She began to open the window.

"Ah," said Jadeite. "Nice breeze! Step aside, that game was starting to make me heated."

Jadeite took the spot at the window. "Mmmmmm, refreshing."

"Nice bed," said Zoisite, laying down for a snooze.

Usagi realized she could text the Sailors on her phone, and started typing a message.

The phone ran out of batteries, because that lil shitter Shingo took her charger and lost it in his room.

"NO!" said Usagi. "Hurry up, Luna!" she thought. "They're probably getting ready to attack!"

She looked around to see the Shitennou goofing off.

"They don't seem hostile," she thought. "How long does it take me to transform in real time? I might be able to do it before they're able to notice!"

She thought back to all her transformations. "Mamoru Chiba did have enough time to react in that elevator, so it must take longer than a second. But could it be implied that that was after I transformed? I hope it doesn't take more than a second… Otherwise I would have been standing there nude for quite a while."

* * *

Luna sprinted on all fours to Ami's house. Many cars sped past her.

"I should hop a ride," she considered. "But can I make the jump?"

She continued to dash faster than ever, like that time the Earth Kingdom was invading.

"Wait a minute," realized Luna. "Why am I going to Ami's house!? She won't be of any help!"

Luna took a turn, and headed for Makoto's.

* * *

Kunzite and Nephrite laid down a table.

"It's time," said Kunzite, sticking his arm out.

Nephrite grabbed his hand, and they became locked in an intense arm-wrestling match.

"Go Nephrite!" said Jadeite.

"Is Zoisite watching?" asked Kunzite.

"No," said Nephrite. "He's sleeping."

"Drat," said Kunzite. "Beating you has no purpose now."

Kunzite took the dive.

"Yes!" yelled Nephrite, standing up and cheering for himself.

Jadeite applauded.

"Wanna take a turn?" Nephrite asked Usagi.

"No thanks," said Usagi.

"Don't get too giddy now," said Kunzite. "I let you win."

"Sure," said Nephrite. "Tell yourself that."

"No!" said Kunzite. "I actually let you win!"

"Wrong," said Nephrite. "You've never been shown to have superhuman muscular strength, only strong magic."

"Same thing!" argued Kunzite. "I once kept all the Sailors trapped in a dome, almost killing them!"

"Yes," said Jadeite. "And then Sailor Venus shot you on the hands."

"Who told you that!?" said Kunzite.

"Beryl," said Jadeite. "She told me what happens when one gets too clueless, and used you as an example."

"Hmph," said Kunzite.

"Why would you do that to the Sailors?" demanded Usagi. "That wasn't nice at all!"

"What are you?" scoffed Kunzite. "Some kind of Sailor fanatic? They will all soon die by my hand!"

"Watch it," said Jadeite. "We're supposed to be humans."

"Right," said Kunzite. "Then I guess I'll kill them with a gun or something."

"I always wanted to try using a rifle," said Nephrite. "If someone hopped on my property, I'd just shoot them with a rifle."

Nephrite thought for a second. "I always wanted to be a park ranger, and give up all this evil nonsense."

"Dumb kid," said Jadeite. "You don't even like animals."

"True," said Nephrite. "But I like shooting poachers."

They all sat around some more, passing the time.

"I wish Beryl would take us home already," said Kunzite.

"Yes," agreed Jadeite.

Meanwhile, Nephrite was eyeing Kenji's daughter top to bottom.

"Eyes to yourself!" said Usagi, covering herself.

"Mmm," said Nephrite.

"Nephrite," said Jadeite. "Why do you like them so young?"

"Shut up," said Nephrite. "Why does Kunzite like men?"

"Hey," said Kunzite. "To be fair, Beryl's not a man. At least I hope not."

"By the way," said Nephrite. "I don't like anyone young. I prefer the term, 'ripe.'"

"Are people fruits?" asked Jadeite.

"Shut up," said Nephrite. "1v1 me in Sailor V!"

"You're on!" said Jed. "But I call Sailor V!"

"The only character is Sailor V," said Nephrite.

"I hate Sailor V," said Kunzite. "Shooting people in the hands like it's nobody's business. I'll end her one of these days."

Kunzite leaned against the door. "I'll end all of them, I tell you! The blue one, the red one, Sailor V, the green one, and of course, that pest Sailor Moon!"

That's when the door swung open, tossing Kunzite to the ground.

Standing outside was all the Sailor Scouts, and their jingle started to play.

"It's over, Negascum!" yelled one of the Sailors.

"What is this?!" demanded Nephrite, standing up. "Did Kenji invite you freaks here too!?"

In that split second, Zoisite was tossed out of a sound sleep through the wall by the Moon Wand.

"AHHHHHH!" he screamed.

Nephrite and Jed spun around.

"Sailor Moon!" they yelled.

Sailor Moon swung the Moon Wand, sending Jadeite and Nephrite for a loop.

"Fools!" said Kunzite. He hopped to his feet. "It's over!" he shouted.

Suddenly Sailor Venus shot him in the hands with a Crescent Beam.

"No!" he screamed. He ran up and drop-kicked her.

"I didn't do anything wrong, I just came to eat some dinner!" said Kunzite.

"How did they know we were here?!" demanded Jadeite. "And where did Kenji's daughter go!?"

"Doesn't matter," said Nephrite, who started chanting to the stars.

"O great stars," he said. "You know the rest."

He fired a scattershot out of his hands, sending the Sailors for a loop.

Kenji heard a ruckus upstairs, and began marching up the steps.

"What is going on over here?!" he demanded, taking off his belt.

He opened the door to see that all hell had broken loose in Usagi's room, as the five Sailors battled three of the Shitennou.

"Where's my daughter!?" cried Kenji. "I can't lose two kids in one night!"

Nephrite threw a powerful punch, crippling Sailor Mercury, and Jadeite shot lightning out of his hands.

Jupiter shot lightning out of her hands too, and there was a large explosion.

When the smoke cleared, Jupiter threw a punch, surprisingly tossing Jadeite.

Kunzite was rubbing his hands. "Poor boys," he said.

He took off his gloves and examined them. "Hmm," he said. "I'm gonna need some Neosporin."

Suddenly he turned around to see the Moon Wand flying at him.

"Shoot!" he said.

"Hey," said Nephrite.

Kunzite was about to take a minor hit, when Kenji slid in the way with his arms out.

"STTTTTOOOOOP!" he yelled.

Sailor Moon tried to retract the beam, however it wasn't the same as the tiara, and Kenji was blasted to bits.

But suddenly Kenji stood up, and gripped his belt.

"It's over," he said. "I won't let you hurt my boys."

He whipped his belt on the ground, sending a sonic wave, tossing Sailor Moon into the distance.

The Moon Wand dropped to the ground.

"MIIIIIIIIINE!" yelled Jadeite, diving for it.

But the Moon Wand had a mind of its own, and slapped Jadeite with its handle, tossing him into the wall.

Zoisite climbed back into the house.

"What's going on!?" he demanded. "I was just sleeping, and someone blasted me with the Moon Wand!"

But the Moon Wand had lost control.

It swung itself, sending Zoisite into the distance.

"AAAAAHHHH!" cried Zoisite.

Kunzite stared at his hands.

"I remember when the Moon Wand hit me that one time. It just moved on its own, like it's doing now! Rowdy creature!"

Jadeite was clenching his head. "I knew we should have brought Metalia. But I don't think she can disguise herself very well. But we could have kept her in a jar or something."

That's when Queen Beryl dashed in and pulled out a jar of Metalia.

She threw it to the ground like some kind of splash potion, and Metalia burst out.

"I'm FREEEEEEE!" she yelled.

She flew out the window and never returned.

"Yikes," said Beryl. "Then I'll just get this crystal myself!"

Queen Beryl spawned a giant crystal, and screamed.

She aimed it at the paralyzed Sailor Mercury, and got ready to throw it.

But suddenly Ikuko flew up the stairs, and hit Beryl with a tray.

She dropped the crystal into her knee.

"NOOOO!" she screamed.

She threw a wild punch at Ikuko, but Ikuko tanked it with her tray.

Beryl tackled Ikuko down the steps, and they rolled down into the living room while Grandpa sat there patiently, licking his lips.

"Mighty fighty," he said.

Sailor Mars shot fire at Nephrite, but Kenji swung his whip, repelling the attack.

"That's enough, Kenji," said Nephrite. "We can handle them on our own."

"No," said Kenji. "I can handle them on my own!"

He swung his belt, getting Sailor Mars by the leg.

He yanked the belt, sending her to the floor.

He retracted the belt, and then threw a dropkick, ending Sailor Mars permanently.

"Look at him go," said Kunzite. "No wonder Beryl keeps him around."

Jupiter shot lightning, but Kenji dodged it with his incredible speeds.

She came at Kenji fists-a-flying, but Kenji dodged it, similar to how Endymion dodged her blows.

Kenji threw a punch into Makoto's stomach, sending Makoto back into her base form.

The punch was so powerful she spit blood and died.

There was a sonic wave several seconds after, and Kenji retracted the blow.

Sailor Venus shot a beam straight for Kenji's mortal heart, but Kenji dodged it, and swung his belt, tossing Venus to the floor.

He then swung it again, instantly ending her.

He was about to finish off Sailor Mercury, but no one stopped him so he did.

That's when someone, or something, got him in a full nelson.

"Who!?" demanded Kenji. "What?!"

He turned to see none other than Shingo's spirit.

"DIE!" shouted Shingo.

He leapt out the window, still holding Kenji.

They tumbled down the roof and fell into the car.

Shingo's ghost pushed down on the gas, attempting to drive the car into moving traffic.

But Kenji swung his belt, instantly killing Shingo's spirit and sending it on its way.

Meanwhile, Queen Beryl pulled open a kitchen cabinet, and took out a blade.

Ikuko pulled out the battle knife she always kept in her pocket, and swung it at Beryl.

Beryl shot a laser out of her eyes, putting Ikuko in an eternal sleep.

"Watch it," said Kenji, heading down the stairs covered in blood.

"Sorry," said Beryl. "She attacked me."

"Ah," said Kenji. "She's a feisty one. But that's why I love her! Release her from her slumber, please."

Beryl did, but Ikuko threw another punch, so Kenji had to swing down his belt, killing her.

"Mmm," said Grandpa. "Jolly good show."

He licked his lips and left.


	193. The Mall

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Jadeite, I've found a potential location of the Silver Crystal!" began Beryl.

"The Silver who?" said Jadeite.

Beryl sighed. "Do I really need to call the others?"

"No!" said Jadeite. "Let me participate! I spent all morning thinking of new sources of energy, but I just couldn't come up with them! This Silver who-now will be the perfect task to clear my mind!"

"Wait a minute," said Beryl. "The first thing you said to me was that-"

"I know, I know," said Jadeite. "Now tell me the location!"

"The New Ayami mall," explained Beryl. "There's a store called "Jewelry Depo" that has an item that might be what we're looking for!"

"On it!" said Jadeite, dashing out the door. "I better hurry before the other Shitennou try to take my plan!"

* * *

Jadeite flew into the mall at top speeds.

He landed on the ground, sending a shockwave that tossed several people.

Then, he dashed over to a mall map.

"Ah, there it is!" said Jadeite. "Number 37!"

"Ah, there it is, number 37!" said Nephrite.

Jadeite did a double take, and saw the other three Shitennou there.

"Hey!" said Jadeite. "Beryl gave this task to me!"

"Sorry," said Zoisite. "The early bird gets the worm."

"Or is it the bagel?" asked Kunzite.

"That doesn't make any sense," said Zoisite, but Nephrite and Jadeite were gone. "No!"

* * *

Jadeite finally made it to the front of the line after shoving ten people to the floor.

"I would like to buy that large jewel in the display!" cried Jadeite.

"Noooooo!" screamed Nephrite, charging Jadeite with all he had. "It is I who would like to buy that large jewel in the display!"

"Okay," said the cashier. "Let me ring you up. Do you have a card?"

"Not an Earth card," said Nephrite. "Let me write a check."

Jadeite hopped to his feet and grabbed the checkbook.

He took off in a sprint.

"Come back here!" yelled Nephrite, using his powers to slam the store door in Jadeite's face.

He grabbed his checkbook but Jadeite held on for dear life.

Suddenly, Zoisite and Kunzite appeared in the store.

"This is a robbery!" said Zoisite. He shattered the glass of the exhibit and nabbed the jewel.

Jadeite came flying like a projectile, but Kunzite put up a wall and Jed fell to the floor.

But that's when Nephrite got Zoisite from behind and snapped him like a twig, discarding him into the wall and nabbing the crystal.

Kunzite put 'em up, but Nephrite tried to teleport away.

However, Jadeite was hanging onto his foot.

"GET OFFA ME!" screamed Nephrite. "YOU FOOL!"

Kunzite blasted Nephrite and Jadeite, and then picked up the crystal.

Nephrite hopped to his feet for round two, but Kunzite shook his head.

"This is just a mere gem," stated Kunzite. "It is not what we are looking for."

"Ah," said Nephrite.

That's when Nephrite snatched the gem and tossed Kunzite into the door.

"Nice bluff!" laughed Nephrite. "I wouldn't want to face me either!"

Nephrite teleported to the Negaverse.

"Queen Beryl!" called Nephrite. "I have found the Silver Crystal!"

"YAHOO!" howled Beryl.

She grabbed Nephrite by the arm and dragged him to Metalia's chambers in a wild gid.

"What is this place?" asked Nephrite.

"Metalia-sama!" called Beryl. "We got it!"

"Got what?" asked Metalia.

"The Silver Crystal!" said Beryl.

"Oh, that old thing," recalled Metalia. "Feed it to me."

Queen Beryl threw it into Metalia.

There was a loud roar.

"Oh, that thing is Metalia," realized Nephrite. "I never knew she was an egg."

"She's not an egg, bozo," said Queen Beryl. "She's in an incomplete form. But now that she has consumed the Crystal-"

That's when Metalia spit out the crystal.

"Yuck," said Metalia. "This is just a mere gem."

"No!" cried Nephrite. "I should have checked it with my Black Crystal first! That fiend Kunzite set me up! He told me it was the real crystal! Or, at least his body language did…"

Nephrite teleported back to the mall and placed the crystal on its original stand.

"My bad," he told the shop owner.

Kunzite stood there with a smug expression.

"Can it," said Nephrite.

All four Shitennou left the jewel store.

"Well that was a bust," said Jadeite. "Let's go hit the Japanese Apple store, and play with the phones!"

"We should just steal a phone," said Kunzite. "Then we can play with it forever."

"Sorry, that won't do," said Nephrite. "It's only fun to play with in the store, not to keep."

They went in the Apple store.

"Hey Neph," began Jed. "Something just crossed my mind. Where did you get your hot rod from?"

"I took it from a car shop," said Nephrite. "I said I'd take it out for a test drive and then drove home."

"Smart," said Zoisite.

Zoisite went on Google, and started snickering.

"What are you doing?" asked Nephrite.

Zoisite didn't respond for a while, and then he turned off the phone.

"Run!" he said.

"What!? Why?!" demanded Jadeite.

Everyone legged it and he was forced to follow.

Kunzite was not pleased. "I was about to beat Angry Birds," he said.

"What's the point if you can't keep the save data?" asked Nephrite.

"It's my resolve," explained Kunzite. "Why did we have to leave?"

Zoisite was still snickering. "I put pornography as the wallpaper! And then I put a password on the phone so that they can't change it! And then I used my Negapowers to permanently keep the password on! That phone is ruined."

"Good work," said Jadeite. "At least we accomplished something today. I guess let's head back."

"Wait!" said Zoisite. "What's that over there?"

"That's a fountain, dumb kid," said Nephrite.

"No," said Zoisite. "It looks like a wishing fountain!"

"No such things exist," said Jadeite.

"Kunzite, can I have a quarter?" asked Zoisite.

"Okay," said Kunzite, pulling out his wallet. "Only one though."

"Yippee!"

Zoisite thought for a second and made a wish.

He tossed the coin.

"What did you wish for?" asked Kunzite.

"It's a secret," said Zoisite.

The Shitennou left.

* * *

"So, I bothered Metalia for no reason thanks to the four of you being foolish," began Beryl.

"Shut up, Beryl," said Jadeite.

Queen Beryl gasped.

It took very long for what just happened to sink in.

That's when Beryl got mad.

"You've been warned for the last time! You won't disobey me again!" yelled Beryl. She charged up her crystal ball.

Jadeite teleported away.

"What's gotten into him?" asked Zoisite in admiration.

"If he's not going to die for that outburst, then someone will!" said Beryl.

Beryl turned to Zoisite.

"Hey!" said Zoisite. "I didn't do anything!"

"It's too late for that," said Beryl.

Zoisite started his long teleport transition, but the energy from Beryl's ball caused the petals to get blown away.

"No!" said Zoisite. "If I can't teleport in style, I can't teleport at all!"

The ball was almost ready, and Beryl went to shoot the attack.

That's when she dropped dead.

"RIP," said Nephrite.

"Riperoo," said Zoisite. "Hey, wait a second! Why did Beryl die?!"

"Nothing's been right today," said Nephrite.

"Beryl, no!" yelled Kunzite.

Kunzite started to cry, and cradled Beryl's corpse.

"Curse you!" said Zoisite. "You didn't even cry when I died! All you said was 'I asked Beryl to revive you.' Piece of trash!"

"I also said I was sorry," said Kunzite sadly.

Zoisite frowned.

"Wait," said Jadeite reappearing. "I felt someone's power level drop to zero! I hope it was Kunzite!"

Then he saw Beryl's corpse.

"Oooh, good work, Kunzite!" said Jadeite.

"Wait, what do you mean 'I hope it was Kunzite?'" said Kunzite.

"Don't kill me too, you maniac!" yelled Jadeite.

"No," said Zoisite. "I think I know what happened. Oooooh!"

"Ooooh what?" demanded Nephrite.

"My wish came true from the wishing well! I wished for Beryl to drop dead, and she did!"

"No way," said Jadeite. "That was just a coincidence."

"No," said Zoisite, getting giddy to the extreme. "I'm gonna wish Nephrite dead next!"

"No!" cried Nephrite.

Zoisite teleported away, and Nephrite dived at him, but all he hit was open air.

* * *

Zoisite ran over to the well, spawned a quarter and threw it in.

"NOOOO!" yelled Nephrite appearing.

He quickly summoned a quarter, but knew it was too late.

"Farewell," said Zoisite.

However, Nephrite didn't die.

"What gives?!" demanded Zoisite.

"Haha," said Nephrite. "I told you it was an ordinary well. But just in case, I'll wish Zoisite dead!"

"If you wish me dead, then Kunzite will wish you dead! Or actually, Kunzite will just kill you!" exclaimed Zoisite.

"Alright," considered Nephrite. "Then I'll wish Kunzite dead, and then I'll just kill you!"

Kunzite appeared suddenly and threw a coin in the well.

"No!" cried Nephrite.

"Calm yourself," said Kunzite. "I wouldn't wish for you dead, I'd just kill you. Why waste a wish?"

"Then what did you wish for?" asked Zoisite.

Suddenly Beryl appeared. "I'm back!" she said. "What's all this nonsense about a well?"

"FOOL!" said Nephrite. "Metalia could just revive Beryl if you gave her some energy! She revived Endymion like twice!"

"D'ah," said Kunzite. "Then let me make another wish."

"Doesn't work," said Zoisite. "I think maybe everyone only gets one. Wait," said Zoisite. "Why did you waste your first wish on that?! You could have wished for something for me, but you wished Beryl back! If I had another wish, I'd wish I never knew you, Kunzite!"

Kunzite was hurt. "Why can't I have two girls?"

Zoisite stormed off.

"Wait!" said Kunzite, taking off after him.

Nephrite held his coin.

"One wish," he thought.

He tossed his coin, but it got spit right back out.

"What?!" cried Nephrite. "I can't wish for a million wishes?! D'ah. Looks like I only have one choice. I wish for immortality!"

There was a light, and then Nephrite was immortal. "Cool!" said Nephrite.

Beryl was still standing there, looking at the well.

"I wish for Endymion to love me," she said.

But that's when Nephrite socked her, and then began to pound on her.

"STOP!" said Beryl.

"NEVER!" said Nephrite, throwing her spine into his knee.

"You're gonna pay!" said Beryl.

She shot a powerful crystal ball attack, one that should have inflicted much damage.

Nephrite was tossed.

"Take that!" said Beryl.

But that's when Nephrite sprung to his feet, sustaining no damage.

He threw a mighty kick, and Beryl was no more.

"Immortality rules!" cheered Nephrite. "This is a lot funner than wishing Kunzite dead!"

Suddenly, Jadeite appeared.

"Jadeite," said Nephrite. "It turns out everyone only gets one wish. So do me a favor and wish for me to have infinite power."

"Sorry, can't do," said Jadeite. "Every man gets his wish."

"Fine," said Nephrite. "I'll let you live another day. What will you wish for?"

Jadeite smirked. "I wish for a new source of energy!"

"IDIOT!" screamed Nephrite. "Beryl died!"

"No!" said Jadeite. "Oh wait, I was there for that. Oooh!" he said suddenly. "That's a great source! I must execute it at once!"

Jadeite dashed off.

* * *

Kunzite was back in the jewelry store with Zoisite.

"See?" said Kunzite. "I'll steal you this necklace here. Do you forgive me now?"

"No," said Zoisite. "Maybe if you go kill Beryl."

"I can't," said Kunzite. "I felt her power level drop."

"Oooh!" said Zoisite. "I'm glad Nephrite made a wish for me!"

Suddenly Nephrite appeared, and threw a punch tossing Zoisite.

"Looks like you have a death wish," said Kunzite.

He fired his best attack at Nephrite, but Nephrite ate it.

"Huh?!" said Kunzite.

He tried again, at twice the strength, but Nephrite ate it.

"What did you wish for?" demanded Kunzite.

Nephrite ran up and threw a punch, however it had no effect.

"Drat," said Nephrite.

Kunzite tossed him, but he got back up.

"I guess I'll just have to fight you forever until you finally run out of energy," said Nephrite.

"NO!" yelled Kunzite.

Kunzite fled.

"Get back here!" yelled Nephrite. "I was just getting started!"

"This isn't good," thought Zoisite. "He must have wished for immortality. I will have to wish for immortality to balance it."

* * *

Nephrite teleported to Jadeite.

"Have you seen Kunzite lately?"

"No," said Jadeite. "Now leave me alone. I have to execute this source of energy. It's my resolve."

"Yeah, yeah," said Nephrite. "Just stay out of my way. And listen. You cannot tell anyone about the powers of this well! Understand?"

"Of course," said Jadeite.

Nephrite left.

"Hey Jadeite!" called Kenji, walking with Grandpa on his shoulders.

"This nice man is helping out an old timer like me," said Grandpa.

"I didn't ask," said Jadeite. "But you have to hear about this magical well we found! It's in the mall, and will grant only one wish per person!"

"Oooh!" said Grandpa. "Take me there, my boy!"

Kenji dashed off to the well on foot.

"This looks like the place," said Grandpa.

He pulled out a quarter.

"I wish for the power to turn invisible!"

Grandpa was given the power to turn invisible, and suddenly he vanished.

"Ho ho ho," said Kenji. "Smart man. If I had more wishes, I might have wished for that myself!"

Kenji thought for a long time.

"Who am I kidding?" he chuckled at last. "I wish I never had Shingo!"

Shingo faded from existence, and Kenji's happiness increased by 200%.

"My second wish would have been for some toast," stated Kenji.

He left.

* * *

Prince Endymion walked up to the well.

He threw a quarter.

"I wish for my memories back," he whispered.

He got his memories back.

"Ah!" said Mamoru Chiba.

He took off his goofy costume and went home.

* * *

Zoisite approached the well with a large bag.

He dumped the bag out, and Molly fell to the floor.

"Now don't try anything funny," said Zoisite. "If you ask for anything except for exactly what I tell you, the well will destroy you. Since I created it myself!"

"Then why do you need me?" asked Molly.

"Just don't question it," said Zoisite. "And don't wish for anything besides what I ask you to."

"Okay," said Molly, nervously.

"Good," said Zoisite. "Now, wish for Kunzite to forget about Beryl ever existing!"

"Can you repeat that?" asked Molly, not familiar with these characters.

Zoisite repeated it, and Molly made the wish.

"Good work," said Zoisite. "You're free to go."

"Really?" said Molly.

Zoisite ended Molly.

"I can't have anyone else knowing about the well."

* * *

Next, Zoisite appeared in Greg's house.

"Alright, future boy," he said. "You can see the future, so you know you can't run!"

That's when he spotted Greg.

He was dead, because he took his own life.

"D'ah," said Zoisite. "I wanted to use him since it would save the explaining."

* * *

Zoisite emptied another sack at the well, and this time a nerd fell out.

"Leave me be!" cried Melvin.

"No," said Zoisite. "Make my wish or perish!"

Melvin was shaking in his boots, and his knees were rattling like a rattle.

"What… what's your wish?" asked Melvin.

"Hmm," thought Zoisite. "Wish for Nephrite to be no more!" he decided.

"I won't do it!" screamed Melvin.

Zoisite was shocked by this reaction. "DO IT!" said Zoisite.

"I won't do it!" repeated Melvin. "Maxfield is a good friend! I love him like family, and he loves me!"

"Alright," said Zoisite. "I guess it's goodbye!"

"No!" said Melvin. He threw his glasses at Zoisite, catching Zoisite off guard.

Melvin dived into the fountain and started overhand swimming.

Zoisite took him out.

"Foolish kid," said Zoisite. "Too bad Nephrite doesn't value his friendship."

* * *

"Motoki," said Zoisite, releasing Motoki at the well. "This well grants any wish in the world, but you will use it to grant mine. Wish for anything else and the well will take you out!"

"Alright," said Motoki grimly.

He threw the coin in.

But then he started to laugh.

"For someone so bright, you're not very bright!" screamed Motoki.

"What?!" cried Zoisite. "What did you do?! NO!"

Zoisite tried to run but then dropped dead.

"HAHAHAHA!" laughed Motoki. "I finally win!"

* * *

Motoki knocked on his sister's door.

"Onee-chan!" he exclaimed. "I have discovered a way to finally make Crown Arcade the best Arcade in the world!"

"Good work," said Motoki's sister.

"Follow me!" cried Motoki, running to the mall on foot.

He explained everything to his sister.

"I see," said Motoki's sister.

She threw the coin, and read off the script Motoki wrote.

"I wish for Crown Arcade to be the only arcade that ever existed in the entire world, and that ever will exist!"

"YEEEES!" screamed Motoki.

FIN


	194. Into the Negajungle

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Jadeite," said Beryl. "I have a task to bestow upon you."

"Don't worry," said Jadeite. "I'm already getting energy!"

"No, no," said Beryl

Jadeite waited.

Beryl waited.

She was reading text messages off her ball as Jadeite stood there.

"Heh," said Beryl.

"What?" asked Jadeite.

"Sorry," said Beryl. "It's an inside joke."

Then she started laughing.

Jadeite waited impatiently.

"Oh, Jadeite, you're still here," said Beryl after a few more minutes. "What were we talking about?"

"You said you had a task," said Jadeite.

"Yes," said Beryl. "Gather the others."

"Why?" asked Jadeite.

"Are you questioning my order?" asked Beryl.

"Yes," said Jadeite.

"Ah," said Beryl. "What if I told you it was the Great Ruler's order?"

"I don't even know who that is," said Jadeite. "I've only heard you mention her once or twice."

"Ah," said Beryl.

Queen Beryl sounded her horn, summoning the other Shitennou.

"Zoisite," said Beryl. "Why are you in a maid's costume?"

"Sorry," said Zoisite. "We were doing house cleaning today."

"Gay," said Nephrite. "What do you want, Beryl? I have much more important things to be doing right now."

"Guys," said Beryl. "I need you to retrieve a Youma for me. She is our strongest Youma."

"I thought Thetis was our strongest Youma," said Jed.

"I thought the DD Girls were our strongest Youmas," said Kunzite.

"There are hardly any Youmas shown that are full-blooded Youmas after Thetis," said Beryl. "The last I could think of were those three flower girls that Nephrite defeated with ease. But this special Youma is very mighty."

"What about the DD Girls?" asked Kunzite again.

"I'm pretty sure those are just people you turned into monsters," said Beryl. "No Youmas are that strong."

"Did I?" wondered Kunzite, thinking back. "They were pretty humanoid compared to most Youmas," he admitted.

"Anyway," said Beryl. "This Youma can create tornados."

"They why didn't we use her?" asked Jed.

"Well," said Beryl. "She's not very… civilized. The last I saw her she was crawling on all fours. She resembles that feral Youma that attacked Nephrite, or that beast Rei's grandfather became."

"Those are feral creatures," said Zoisite.

"How do you expect us to get any use out of that thing?" said Kunzite.

"Well, I was thinking," said Beryl. "Maybe we could get some reins on it and possibly hit it with a whip to get it to behave."

"Some Youmas, our Great Ruler did not spend enough time creating," said Jadeite sadly.

"Where do we find this feral beast?" asked Zoisite.

"Well," said Beryl. "Remember that time you were crying on Kunzite on a bench, and it was in a forest-like area?"

"Wait, when did this happen?" asked Nephrite.

"After you stole Zoisite's job," explained Beryl.

Nephrite burst into laughter and fell to the floor.

"Kunzite," said Zoisite. "End him!"

"Well, gee, I don't know… I… uh…"

"Useless," sighed Zoisite. "Hey wait a minute, why were you watching us, Beryl?"

"I know everything that happens in the Negaverse," stated Beryl. "And at that one specific shipping yard."

"Sp00ky," said Zoisite.

"Go retrieve my beast," said Beryl.

* * *

The four Shitennou entered the Negaverse jungle.

"Woah," said Jadeite. "I didn't know we had a jungle! I could have made a treehouse instead of just living in some dark space!"

Suddenly there was a loud screech like an ape, and Zoisite leapt into Kunzite's arms like Scooby Doo.

"What is that?!" cried Zoisite.

"Just a feral beast," said Kunzite. "This is where the uncivilized Youmas tend to flock."

"Ah, I recognize this bench!" said Zoisite. "This is where we called none other than Yasha!"

Kunzite shook his head. "Feral creature couldn't even hide her energy like some of the more advanced Youmas."

Just then a pterodactyl Youma swooped in.

"Stand back, Zoisite!" yelled Kunzite. "I'll protect you!"

That's when the Youma swooped over Kunzite's head and snatched Zoisite, and flew off into the jungle.

"AFTER IT!" yelled Kunzite.

Nephrite shrugged and followed at a walking pace as Kunzite dashed into the thicket.

"We're the Great Four!" shouted Kunzite as he ran. "You dare disrespect us, beast?!"

"They don't listen!" screamed Zoisite from far away. "They're clearly too stupid to know who we are! Yasha just attacked Nephrite like some kind of suicidal buffoon!"

"I'll catch that monster!" called Jadeite.

He did a wild leap and grabbed the pterodactyl Youma by the foot.

It let out a screech, and Jadeite hung on for dear life.

Jadeite was taken for quite the ride, but then he lost his grip and was tossed into a tree, where he tumbled down along with a lot of leaves.

Kunzite shot the beam he shot at the two cats on his final episode, straight for the pterodactyl monster.

It was a direct hit, and the pterodactyl fell down like a crashing plane.

It let out one last screech and then exploded to dust.

Zoisite was coughing after he hit the ground because he was very injured.

Kunzite finally caught up.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"Not really," said Zoisite. "What a monster! Why would Metalia make such a simple creature?"

"I ask myself that every day," said Kunzite.

Nephrite caught up moments later, and Jed caught up moments after that.

"Where are we?" asked Jed.

"Uh oh," said Kunzite. "I think we're lost."

"Which direction does the Negasun set?" asked Nephrite. "We can gain our bearings if we know."

"There is no Negasun," said Zoisite. "Only darkness."

"From here on out, we have to be more careful," said Kunzite. "Any Youma we encounter this deep into the thicket will be more animaloid than humanoid. Don't even bother to try speaking to them. They don't understand the Negaverse language."

The Shitennou nodded, and then continued very carefully deeper into the woods.

"How far does this thing go?" wondered Jadeite.

"Since we're inside the Earth, it'd be about the size of the surface of the Earth," said Nephrite.

"Ah, good," said Zoisite. "That at least means it's round."

As they continued walking, Jadeite was fascinated by the jungle environment.

"What kind of trees are these?" he asked. "Is this soil on the ground? Where do they get water? The Negaverse never rains. Do they bare some kind of fruit?"

"Quiet," said Zoisite. "No civilized creature has set foot in this territory before. We're sticking out like a sore thumb as it is."

Just then they began to hear some more rustling.

Zoisite was shaking.

"Stop that," said Jadeite. "They can sense our fear. They probably have animal-like senses so they can smell us."

"Don't worry," said Kunzite. "I'll prot-"

That's when a huge cat-like being pounced out of the thicket and lunged at Zoisite.

"Why me?!" cried Zoisite.

"They can smell your fear," said Jadeite.

Kunzite slid in and socked the beast, tossing it backwards.

But all that did was anger the animal.

It let out a ferocious roar, and tried to swat Kunzite across the face with its animal claw.

But Kunzite put up a barrier, and the creature's paw shattered against it because it was too uncivilized to pull back.

The creature let out a mighty howl, summoning its pack.

"Let's get out of here!" said Jadeite.

But that's when an unidentifiable creature got him by the neck and leapt back into the thicket while Kunzite and Nephrite tried to deal with the large cat at hand.

Finally, Nephrite was able to knock it to the floor, and stomp it until it was dust.

"Phew," said everyone.

"Hey," said Zoisite. "Where's Jadeite?"

That's when three more beasts that resembled no particular animal, but were about as far from being human as an inanimate object, leapt at each of the three remaining Shitennou.

Zoisite became petals and tried to fly away, but the creature he was fighting swung its big meaty arm, creating such a gale that Zoisite's petals were slammed into a tree, and Zoisite reformed.

"AHHH!" screamed Zoisite as the beast picked him up in its mouth.

Nephrite was on the ground, wrestling a bear-like creature, while Kunzite was toying with a simple beast.

"Stop toying and help me!" yelled Zoisite, as he was chewed like a piece of bubblegum.

"Fine," said Kunzite. He shot a beam, killing the beast, and then drop-kicked Zoisite's monster into a tree.

But when the monster collided with the tree, it shook the tree so much that a nest of eggs fell to the floor and cracked open.

Out of the eggs emerged several terrifying beasts, which swarmed Kunzite like a pack of buzzards.

"Get off me!" he yelled, swinging in all directions.

Nephrite finally overpowered his monster, and finished it off.

But three more monsters took its place, and one got him in a full nelson while the others threw punches to his exposed torso.

Kunzite had now overcome the hatchlings, and pulled one of the Youmas off of Nephrite.

But that's when five more appeared and got Kunzite in a full nelson.

"This is it," said Kunzite. "Farewell!"

"Wait!" said Zoisite. He tried to wrestle away one of the Youmas, but it pinned him to the ground and gave him the one-two.

Nephrite killed his two remaining beasts by bonking their heads together, turning them each to dust.

He turned to the pack of Youmas that had Kunzite on the ground and were throwing kicks.

Nephrite shot "Starlight Attack!" and one of the beasts died, but he was shocked that the rest of them seemed to not have taken any damage.

Kunzite was finally able to free a hand and pull a Youma to the ground, where he ended it.

He leapt to his feet and the Youmas tried to run.

"Ah," said Nephrite curiously. "They do know the emotion fear. You'd think they wouldn't with that one that attacked me."

Kunzite chased down the Youmas and ended them.

Meanwhile, Nephrite stood there as the same Youma kept pummeling Zoisite.

"Need a hand?" asked Nephrite.

"No," said Zoisite, getting a blow to the chops.

Nephrite shrugged. "Suit yourself."

Kunzite returned and killed the Youma.

"Kunzite, let's head back," said Zoisite.

"We can't," said Kunzite. "We can't disobey Queen Beryl!"

"Rrr," said Zoisite, biting his thumb. "We must please the queen."

* * *

"Tornado man!" yelled Nephrite. "Where are you?!"

"It's hopeless," said Zoisite. "Why are we still looking?"

"I don't know," said Nephrite. "Maybe we'll find Jed. If we don't, he'll have to become one with the jungle."

"I don't see any difference between that guy and these beasts," said Kunzite. "They're both uncivilized and are very weak."

"Hey!" they heard in the distance. "Rude!"

"Jadeite?" called Zoisite.

"Ye!" yelled Jadeite. "Heeeeelp!"

"I don't know about this," said Zoisite. "It sounds like he's surrounded by beasts. Is it worth the risk?"

"No," said Nephrite. "But we have to go save him."

Nephrite headed towards the direction of Jadeite's shouts, and Kunzite and Zoisite followed him.

They crouched into some shrubbery at the edge of a clearing.

To their horror, the feral beasts were having some kind of feral ceremony. And they were cooking Jadeite alive!

Amongst the crowd were numerous Grandpa Youma clones, with different color palettes. They also had a beast that looked like she could have been ol' Yasha's sister.

"Hey!" called Jadeite spotting the boys. "Help me out of this over-sized soup cooker!"

The Youmas all turned in the direction Jadeite had been calling to.

"RUUUUN!" screamed Zoisite.

But they didn't have the time.

The Youmas attacked them like a pack of lions taking down a buffalo.

The Youmas easily overwhelmed the ultimate trio and shoved them in the soup pot with Jadeite.

"RIP," said Nephrite.

"Riperoo," said Zoisite.

"Well, you guys shouldn't have hesitated," said Jadeite. "You were only asking for them to attack you like a pack of lions taking down a buffalo."

The Youmas began their terrifying feral chant, and turned up the heat.

"I don't like my hot tubs this hot," said Kunzite. "We have to get out of here!"

"They outnumber us," said Jadeite. "And they lack morals or logic!"

"Come on," said Zoisite. "Surely we can outsmart a pack of animals! Even if I have to do so myself."

Zoisite turned to the herd.

"Hey creatures," said Zoisite. "If you let us out, I'll give you 20 more people to eat instead! How's that sound? Huh, boy?"

The varmint just growled.

"They don't understand our tongue," said Jadeite sadly.

"Right," realized Zoisite.

Kunzite thought fast and made an illusion, causing it to look like the forest was on fire.

The Youmas scattered, because fire was all they knew and they knew to fear it.

"AROOOO!" one Youma got up close and screeched.

Then it fled, and the Shitennou climbed out of the pot.

"Good thinking," said Zoisite.

"I could have done that too," said Nephrite.

"Me too," said Jadeite. "I burnt down all of Tokyo."

"I can do that with a green screen," said Zoisite. "And Sony Vegas 9.0."

"Why not ten?" asked Nephrite.

"Too expensive," said Zoisite.

They stood at the campfire for a few more minutes.

"Well, come on," said Kunzite. "Let's leg it before they come back."

* * *

They trekked for hours, or it felt like hours anyway.

That's when they encountered a robotic Youma.

"Whaaaaaat?" said Jadeite. "There's so many mysteries behind the Youma creation process."

"AHHHHHH!" screamed the metallic Youma in a voice that sounded much like a human.

It ran up and threw a wild punch, and Nephrite threw an elbow to its face, bringing it to the ground.

"I'll kill you, you bucket of bolts!" screamed Nephrite.

But it was a very resilient Youma, and sprung up like a spring.

It leapt at Nephrite like a panther, and he threw a kick, tossing it to the ground again.

"Take that, you metallic monstrosity!" added Nephrite. "Bolts for brains!"

The Youma was infuriated, as though it could understand their language, but it showed heavy signs of damage.

It threw a wild leaping kick.

"Shoot!" said Nephrite.

But that's when Kunzite swung his arm, and the Youma dropped to the ground and tried to stand up.

Jadeite shot lightning out of his palms and it short-circuited.

"It shouldn't have come alone," said Zoisite, as they headed onward.

It was starting to get chilly in the Negawoods, and Kunzite gave Zoisite his Shitennou jacket.

"Thanks," said Zoisite, wearing two.

"FOOOD!" they heard a scream.

"Uh oh," said Nephrite.

"We're not food, you gargoyle!" shouted Jadeite.

But to their surprise, it was a human that crawled out of the brush.

It was none other than Gamer Joe, from Tokyo.

"Odd," said Zoisite. "I could have sworn it would be Motoki."

"No," said Joe. "I hate that guy."

"Why are you here, Game Raider?" asked Kunzite.

"It all started long ago," said Joe. "I marched into the Negaverse with a pack of humans, but it went south fast. I took off into the distance and got lost. It was assumed I starved to death, but I actually survived by eating the Negafruits that grew on the Negatrees."

"Impressive," said Nephrite. He handed Joe a pack of Gushers that had been in his pocket for a long time.

"Fight on, strong one," he told Joe, leaving.

The Shitennou took off.

"I will," whispered Joe once they were gone.

* * *

They started to reach a marshier part of the Negaforest.

"Yuck, my boot," said Zoisite. "This is like that time I went scrounging in the sewers."

"Haha," said Nephrite, making the most out of the situation.

Zoisite gasped. "Are those some kind of carvings on that tree?!"

"Impossible," said Kunzite. "Unless Joe made them."

But they did not look like the work of Crane Raider, and in fact looked like the work of a very early Neanderthal.

"I think we're close to our destination," said Jed. "If only my GPS worked."

"OOOOOOOH!" screamed Nephrite. "Ober dere!"

"Huh?" said Kunzite.

"Over there," sighed Nephrite.

Off in the distance was a very primitive shelter, but the most advanced structure they had seen on their journey. It was like the shelter a primitive caveman might live in, but a little more run-down.

"This is it Luigi!" said Nephrite.

"I don't know what you're quoting," said Kunzite, getting frustrated.

They approached the shack.

"Do you have the reins ready?" asked Zoisite.

"Oh," said Kunzite. "I think I used them to strangle a Youma to death early on."

"What about the whip?"

"I think that was lost in the scuffling," frowned Kunzite. "I whipped one to dust, I believe, but then another one ate the whip."

"Ah well," said Nephrite. "I can overpower this creature, just leave it to me."

Nephrite stuck his head into the cave.

"Beast!" he shouted. "I am one of the Great Four!"

That's when the beast flew out.

It had the head of a monster and the body of a tornado, and that's how they knew it was the tornado creature they had been searching for.

"Stand down, beast!" ordered Kunzite.

But the beast threw a tornado at Kunzite.

Kunzite absorbed it. "Now, now," he said. "Please come with us peacefully."

That was when it threw a wild punch that Jadeite tanked.

"Stop it!" said Jadeite. "We don't wanna hurt you!"

But it just wouldn't back down, and started throwing tornados left and right.

"Good thing Youmas are weak," said Nephrite, casually dodging. "It'll run out of energy eventually."

But that warhorse seemed to have unlimited reserves, and kept throwing attacks nonstop.

"I'll just give it a quick tap, maybe calm it down a bit," said Jadeite.

Jadeite threw a powerful punch, socking the creature and causing it immense damage.

The creature let out a roar and went into maximum overdrive.

"Now you've just angered it!" scolded Kunzite.

The fiend just wouldn't stop throwing tornados, like it knew no other way of existence.

Kunzite and the others were forced to beat the creature to near-death, and it was laying on the ground greatly injured.

"Alright," said Kunzite. "You better behave now."

But that's when it sprung up with its last ounce of energy and threw a tornado.

Zoisite tried to tank it like he saw the others doing, but he lost his footing and got swept away.

In a last ditch effort, Zoisite tried to turn to petals and teleport away like he did against "Bonboo," however that was his biggest mistake yet, and the petals were swept away and torn to shreds in the tornado.

Zoisite was never seen again as the tornado flew off into the distance.

"ZOOOIISITE!" called Kunzite, but there was no response.

"You're gonna pay for that, devil!" shouted Kunzite, striking it again.

"Easy there," said Nephrite. "You're gonna kill it!"

"No," said Kunzite. "I'm just beating it to near-death."

"It's already at 1% power," argued Nephrite. "It can't possibly keep attacking now."

That's when the beast threw a weak punch, toppling Jed.

The Shitennou were finally forced to put it down.

"Sad," said Kunzite.

* * *

Kunzite rolled in Zoisite in a body cast to Queen Beryl's throne room.

He was flanked by Nephrite and Jadeite.

"Where is my Youma?" demanded Beryl.

"We didn't find it," lied Kunzite.

"Wrong," said Beryl. "I saw you kill it on my crystal ball."

"Then why did you ask where it was?" asked Kunzite.

"Why did you kill it?" said Beryl.

"Sadly," said Kunzite. "It was too rowdy. We had to put it down like one would put down an animal with rabies."

"Zoisite," said Beryl. "Did you think I wouldn't know?"

Zoisite was unable to talk from the neck brace and body cast, so he said nothing.

"It's time to face your fate," said Beryl.

Zoisite looked at Kunzite.

"Please wait," said Kunzite finally.

Zoisite tried to roll away but perished.

"Heh," said Nephrite. "Hey Beryl, when are you gonna kill someone not in a body cast?"

"Not today," said Beryl, fading into the ground.

FIN


	195. The Character Poll

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Oh boy!" said Beryl. "Just the words I was waiting for! Tell me, tell me!"

Jadeite's face lit up with pure glee, but it was short-lived, because Kenji Tsukino of all people pranced into the throne room.

"Kenji, what do you want?" said Beryl. "It's usually Nephrite or Zoisite walking in at this time. I didn't expect to see you, of all people!"

"Well," began Kenji. "I'm peeved."

"Hey, back off, buddy!" said Jadeite. "I have no personal beef with you, but I will soon, if you don't let me have my Beryl time!"

"I'm too peeved," said Kenji. "This is the worst day of my life since the time that my toaster broke!"

"Kenji's a simple guy," said Beryl. "Kind of like Kunzite."

Suddenly Kunzite teleported in in a blazing teleport animation.

"Queen Beryl, I'm peeved!" said Kunzite.

"Why?" asked Beryl.

"How does Kenji, of all people, have the right to barge in and interrupt Jadeite?! That's reserved for Shitennou only."

"I love Kenji like my own son," said Beryl. "And almost as much as my pal Grandpa!"

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Nephrite and Zoisite, dashing in with their own motives.

Suddenly they stopped.

"What is this?" demanded Zoisite. "Some kind of jamboree?"

"Apparently," said Kunzite. "This mortal thinks he's going to get a chapter about himself!"

"Woah now," said Kenji. "I never said that."

"You did," said Nephrite. "By barging in during Jadeite's speech. Everyone knows you only do that if you want a chapter about yourself!"

"Well I didn't know that," lied Kenji. "I'm just here because I'm peeved!"

"Well now everyone's peeved!" yelled Kunzite. "I hope you're happy!"

Jadeite just picked up and left. He couldn't compete with four other people.

"Silence!" yelled Beryl. "Let's all be quiet and listen to what KENJI is peeved about."

"Thank you, Queen Beryl-sama," said Kenji bowing.

"What gives you the right?!" screamed Kunzite.

"Settle down," said Beryl. "Kenji, get on with it."

"Right," said Kenji. "So, have you seen the Nakayoshi character poll?"

"What is that?" asked Beryl.

"It was a ranking in a magazine about the top Sailor Moon characters in the manga."

"Manga?" said Zoisite. "Then it's of no concern to me."

"Maybe not to you," said Kenji. "But get a load of this. I was ranked LAST of every single character in the manga! LAST PLACE!"

"So?" asked Zoisite. "The manga is a joke. I got punched by Mamoru Chiba in the manga! As if! Well, at least I think I did because I did in Crystal, but Crystal has a lot of non-canon scenes, such as when Jed gets burnt to a crisp but then does not die. Buncha nonsense."

"Either way, being lowest ranking is completely uncalled for!" exclaimed Kenji. "Who is the one voter who put Queen Metalia higher than me!? And who voted for Molly's mom?! The most outrageous thing is that Sailor Mercury is even on there!"

"Sailor Mercury seems to be quite popular," noted Queen Beryl. "Little fiend!"

"Who likes Mercury?" laughed Nephrite. "She is very unlikeable and has no redeeming character traits. I almost ran her over with a car once, but she wasn't worth the gas."

"Heh," said Zoisite. "I don't think I've ever met her, but I've heard she's not very interesting."

"Shut up," said Kenji. "This is my chapter. And also she's my daughter's best friend!"

"Wrong," said Kunzite. "I heard Rei is more favorable to her."

"Oh, probably," said Kenji. "I haven't talked to her for a long time, but back on subject, I should be at the top of the ranking!"

"Why?" said Beryl. "Do you even appear in the manga? You hardly appear in the anime."

"I think so," said Kenji. "Either way, my name is known, so I must at some point!"

"Actually no," said Nephrite. "I don't think your name is stated once. And that's in the anime! In the manga you're probably just mentioned, not even seen, but not by name."

"Such harsh words," said Kenji sadly.

"Hey, where did I rank?" asked Nephrite suddenly. "Probably above Zoisite, right? He's pretty unlikeable."

"I didn't check," said Kenji. "I printed out the sheet though, here."

The Shitennou gathered, including Jed.

"Aha!" said Zoisite. "I was the most liked Shitennou! Figures!"

"No," said Nephrite. "You got lucky. In the manga depiction you weren't noticeably gay, and had none of those girly petals."

"Hmm," said Beryl, examining the list. "Zoisite barely ranked over Rei's crows, and Rei's grandfather, who didn't even have personality in the manga."

"Whatever," said Zoisite. "I'm just happy I'm above everyone else."

"Wait, so I rank below Rei's crows and Grandpa?" asked Kunzite in shock.

"Please tell me I'm at least above Kunzite," said Nephrite. "I definitely am in the anime."

"Actually, no," said Kunzite. "Looks like I'm better than you again!"

"Give me that," said Nephrite. "Starting at number 20, we have Zoisite, then crows, then Grandpa, then Kunzite, then me, then Umino, then Jadeite."

"WAIT WHAT?!" screamed Jadeite. "Not only am I the lowest ranking Shitennou, I'm below that nerd?!"

"Haha," said Nephrite. "At least I'm above him! That at least makes me not want to give up on life."

Jadeite was very mad. He was fumed.

"What's wrong with me?" he asked.

"Nothing," said Kenji. "You're just not notable. And you're the only Shitennou who never interacted with another Shitennou in the anime."

"That's what makes me cool!" yelled Jadeite. "In my time I was the star! But by Nephrite's arc there were several spotlights being shared. During Nephrite's arc, all three Shitennou appeared!"

"Save it," said Nephrite. "I'm still more likeable, even in the manga, which is what this is based on."

But Jadeite couldn't cool down, and he had to take a break.

"Wait, where do I rank?" asked Queen Beryl. "At least 15, right?"

"Double that," said Kunzite. "You were 30th."

"Huh?!" said Beryl. "I got below Jadeite?! And the crows?!"

"Looks like in rankings, you're not the queen of anything," said Zoisite.

Queen Beryl took Zoisite's life, and then her own.

"Wow," said Kenji. "I don't know why she did that, at least she's not last."

"Someone should show this to Metalia," said Nephrite. "Not me of course. But she'd want to see this. Kunzite my boy? You can beat Metalia in her present state, right?"

"I think even Jadeite can," said Kunzite. "I'll go show this to her."

Kunzite headed downstairs, with a grim expression.

"What is it?" asked Metalia.

"Queen Metalia-sama," said Kunzite, kneeling and offering Metalia the sheet.

"I don't have eyes," said Metalia.

"Ah," said Kunzite. "Then just for the record, you ranked #34 in the manga character ranking. That means you were below everyone except Kenji pretty much. And just so you know, I ranked above 'Endou,' an Evil Endymion persona. So that means I'm greater than him."

"I ranked 34th"?!" demanded Metalia. "Out of how many?!"

"38," answered Kunzite.

"Oh," said Metalia. She was very quiet.

Kunzite took several slow steps back, and then escaped.

* * *

When Kunzite got back, they were still examining the list.

"I have to change things," stated Jadeite. "In case they ever do an anime poll. But what can I do different than the other Shitennou? Zoisite and Kunzite already have gay, and Nephrite's a very strong heterosexual. So all those things are taken. I'll have to be something new, something that relates to other people."

Jadeite left.

"Who cares about a stupid ranking?" said Nephrite, still looking at the ranking. "Humans are foolish and weak."

Nephrite went home.

Zoisite was just grinning. "It's great to be a star. I'm glad things finally go my way!"

"Ah, I see you got revived," said Kunzite.

"Yes," said Zoisite. "They couldn't write off the favorite Shitennou! I advise you stay at the top of your game, Kunzite, and keep doing what you're doing. The others are out for blood, and want to surpass you. I'd suggest getting a bit more of a personality. I, on the other hand, don't have much to worry about. In order to pass me, they'd have to climb past both the exciting Grandpa, and Rei's crows! And in Jadeite's case, Umino! Good luck with that!"

Zoisite left.

* * *

"Hammer faster!" yelled Kenji.

"I'm trying, Papa!" said Shingo.

"What's going on over here?" asked Zoisite.

"Ah," said Kenji. "I'm making my boy make a huge billboard with my name on it! Since my name is never mentioned in either the manga or anime, it's no wonder I'm at the bottom! It'd take a true detective to even figure out how to vote for me!"

"How did you get on there at all if your name is never stated?" asked Zoisite.

"Hmm," said Kenji. "It is on my front door, so if there's ever a door shot they could find it out."

"Why is it on your front door?" said Zoisite.

"I don't need this," said Kenji. "I'm in a time of stress. Why don't you just float back to your little Negaverse?"

"Look," said Zoisite. "I'm just trying to help. I'd prefer if you did pass Nephrite and Jadeite. It'd be a big victory."

"Leave me alone," said Kenji.

Zoisite sighed and left.

* * *

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "Nephrite is a candle flickering in the wind!"

"Is that a Zoisite quote?" asked Beryl.

"Yes," said Jadeite. "He's on the top, so he's doing something right. I won't forget this, Nephrite!"

Queen Beryl went to open her mouth, but Jadeite cut her off.

"My last wish is to die beautifully!"

"I can't make that happen," said Beryl. "Unless you count being an ice sculpture."

"No, that simply won't do!" said Jadeite.

Just then, Kenji came riding in on a jetpack made from fireworks, and threw a wild punch.

"My name is KEEENNNNJIIII!" he howled, throwing Beryl off her thrown. "KENJI TSUKINO! And I have defeated the Queen Beryl!"

He did a wild leap, and threw an overhead mallet punch to finish Beryl off.

Beryl put him to rest.

"It's okay," said Kenji. "With more screen time and my name being stated, I'm bound to get higher up! Especially when I do something really goofy! That's how Grandpa got so high up!"

Kenji passed on.

* * *

Nephrite walked into Beryl's throne room.

"Nephrite," said Beryl. "Something's off about you. Are you wearing a cape?"

"Yes," said Nephrite.

"Is this because of the character ranking?" asked Beryl.

"No," said Nephrite. "And finding the Silver Imperial Crystal is my job! So buzz off Nephrite!"

"Oh great," groaned Beryl. "Everyone's quoting Zoisite. I'd rank him my least favorite."

"Sadly you're not the one voting in the poll," said Nephrite. "And it seems something's different about you as well."

Queen Beryl was wearing a bun-head hairstyle.

"Wrong," said Beryl. "You're just seeing things."

"Oww, my hand!" yelled Nephrite.

"Stop that!" said Beryl.

"Let's settle this at the Starlight Tower at sunset," said Nephrite. "Also put all the crystals in the middle!"

"You weren't even there for that," said Beryl.

"Hey," said Nephrite. "Jadeite was quoting him too, and he never even talked to Zoisite."

Kunzite entered then.

"Kunzite-sama!" exclaimed Nephrite.

Kunzite looked confused.

"I'm glad you've finally came to your senses, Nephrite," said Kunzite finally.

"Kunzite-sama, I hate Nephrite!" said Nephrite.

"Same," said Kunzite. "But you should get your own personality."

Nephrite started crying. "Kunzite-sama, I am so upset! What if Nephrite gets the Silver Crystal?"

Just then Jadeite walked in, and everyone went dead silent.

Jadeite pranced in in a dress, and with a "butch lesbian" haircut.

"Hello," said Jadeite. He pulled out a recorder.

"I can play the flute too," he stated, and began playing random notes. "I also love shrimp and cranberry milkshakes!"

"Are you imitating that nerd because he's higher than you?" snickered Nephrite.

"Yes," said Jadeite. "I've decided to go one step at a time."

"What's with the dress?" said Kunzite.

"Oh, about that," said Jadeite. "We don't have a transgender Shitennou yet, but I'm not just your regular transgender. I'm a gay transgender."

"What does that mean?" said Nephrite.

"I'm a lesbian woman trapped in a male's body," explained Jadeite.

"That's ridiculous," said Kunzite.

"Yes," said Jadeite. "But it's enough to get attention. Just look at Kenji over there in the background!"

Kenji was spinning a sign that read, "Kenji Tsukino," and had a shirt on that read, "Kenji Tsukino."

"Also," said Jadeite. "Kunzite-sama! How could you think that ugly Youma's prettier than me?"

"Are you referring to Nephrite?" asked Kunzite.

"No," said Jadeite. "I'm referring to Reika."

"Yeah," said Nephrite. "How could you think that ugly Youma's prettier?"

"Uh, I don't remember what the context was," said Kunzite. "I doubt I said she was 'prettier.' I don't even know if you're saying that line right."

"Ah, you're talking about that girl I've never heard of who ranked above me," said Beryl. "I could have sworn she was a filler-only anime character."

"So, Jadeite, this new persona of yours," said Kunzite, changing the subject. "What does it mean when a lesbian girl is trapped in a male's body? Isn't that just a straight person?"

"No," said Jadeite. "That's offensive."

Jadeite felt his ranking go up by five.

"Ah, I get it now!" he said. "Someone else say something else to me about my sexuality!"

"I do hate gays," said Nephrite. "But I don't know if I hate you, since you're pretty much just a straight guy."

"That's offensive," said Jadeite. "I didn't choose to be born in a male's body. Also I'm getting a sex-change soon."

"Cut it out," said Kunzite. "No one likes the kind of person you're being!"

But everyone could feel Jadeite's rating rising.

Kenji leapt over. "I'm a female too!" he howled. "Me, Kenji Tsukino!"

Kunzite cringed as he was passed in the rankings by Kenji.

"No!" said Kunzite. "I'm gay, doesn't that count for something!?"

"Sorry," said Jadeite. "But being gay isn't special enough."

Nephrite frowned and then hopped on the bandwagon.

"I'm genderfluid non-binary," stated Nephrite. "When Gmail asks for my gender, 'Other' isn't even good enough. When I took my SATs, it asked for male or female, and I refused to take the test."

"What?! No!" cried Kunzite as Nephrite soared past him.

"I'm a girl trapped in a woman's body!" cried Beryl, jumping in.

"I'm asexual," howled Metalia, sliding into the room. "I reproduce by budding, which is actually a fact!"

"No, not Metalia!" yelled Kunzite.

Zoisite dashed in the room.

"Kunzite, did you feel that?!"

"Yes!" said Kunzite. "Everyone's passed us!"

"Quick, Zoisite!" exclaimed Kunzite. "It's too late for me, but you have to hop on the bandwagon!"

"Right!" said Zoisite. He thought fast. "I'm an Apache attack helicopter!"

Everyone froze, but his ranking didn't go up.

"Why didn't I go up?" demanded Zoisite.

"Overused meme," said Nephrite.

"That's offensive," said several people, passing Nephrite.

"Hey!" said Nephrite. "That's offensive!"

He boosted up again. "Phew," he said.

"I just don't get it," said Zoisite, getting down on all fours. "Is being gay not cool anymore? Do you have to be something crazy to be at the top?"

"You're not cool unless you're on the second half of LGBT," said Beryl.

"That's offensive," said Kunzite, passing Zoisite but not going much higher.

"Actually," said Jadeite. "It's now LGBTQABCDEFGHIJKLMNOP."

Jadeite sky-rocketed to the top for being inclusive.

"That's offensive," said only half of the people, but their ratings dropped.

"No!" said Kenji. "I'm mean, that's offensive!"

Kenji went up a couple, and let out a sigh of relief.

"I'm feeling very uncomfortable with all these slurs being tossed around," said Jadeite.

Jadeite passed the top of the list, taking down Sailor Moon with ease.

"Yes!" said Jadeite. "I have a permanent slot at the top now!"

"There's only one thing left to do," realized Kenji.

He took his own life.

"Dumb kid," snickered Jadeite.

But that's when Kenji flew to the top of the list, passing Jadeite.

"Worth it," said Kenji in the afterlife.

"I'm fine with not being at the top, because usually the ones who aren't at the top are actually the better people, such as Rei's grandpa," stated Nephrite.

He moved up one ranking.

"I'm sick of getting bullied about my gender!" blurted out Jadeite randomly.

He took his own life, surpassing Kenji.

Queen Beryl took her own life too, but didn't say a reason so she was still below Kenji.

"Suicide is bad," said Nephrite, shaking his head.

His ranking went down.

"No!" he said. "I take it back!"

His ranking went up by one.

"Phew," he said. "I'm gonna leave before I say anything else wrong."

Nephrite left.

"I can't believe I'm at the bottom now," said Zoisite sadly.

"No," said Kunzite. "At least you're still above Shingo, and Motoki. That's really all that mattered."

"Yes," said Zoisite. "You're right."

FIN


	196. Jed and Zoi Take On the Big City

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Hmm," said Beryl. "Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm."

Jadeite continued. "Well, it seems that the human population density in the area of Tokyo that we have been targeting is not that high."

"What does this mean?" asked Beryl.

"It means we should try focusing on a more urban section of Tokyo."

"There's a district more urban than Juuban?" asked Beryl.

"Yes," said Jadeite. "Goodbye."

He picked up his suitcase and left, and grabbed his hat off the coatrack on the way out.

He passed by Nephrite at the vending machine.

"Heyo," said Nephrite. He waited for a response but Jadeite kept walking.

"That Jadeite," said Nephrite. He didn't finish his sentence, and instead put a quarter in the machine.

Jadeite teleported over to Zoisite.

* * *

He saw an odd sight. Zoisite was on the ground, laying on Kunzite's knee and crying.

"I hate Nephrite," said Zoisite.

"There there," said Kunzite.

"Uh, hey," said Jadeite. "Is this some kind of pity jamboree?"

"Jadeite!" yelled Kunzite. "I can't believe you're so willing to die!"

"Hey, don't get like that," said Jadeite. "You let stray Youmas watch this spectacle."

"Actually," said Kunzite. "That was a different time."

"Go away, Kunzite," said Jadeite. "This is between me and Zoisite."

"What?!" said Kunzite. "No!"

"Sorry," said Jadeite.

"Kunzite," said Zoisite. "Get rid of Jadeite. Actually, first get rid of Nephrite. And Beryl if you have time."

"Errr," said Kunzite. "I'm a pacifist."

Kunzite left.

"Way to go, Jadeite," said Zoisite. "We were having a good time before you ruined it."

"I could tell," said Jadeite. "But Zoisite, an urgent matter has arose."

"What is it?" asked Zoisite.

"You and I must take on the big city."

"Why me?" said Zoisite. "Surely there are many other colorful characters you can take in my place! I'm sure Kenji's always up for a business trip!"

"Sorry, but it has to be you," said Jadeite.

"No," said Zoisite. "It could be anyone. Or you could just go alone."

"No," insisted Jadeite. "I was browsing through a plot list, and for some reason there was a bullet saying 'Jed and Zoi take on the Big City.' I don't know how it got there, all I know is that it has to happen."

"Sorry," said Zoisite. "The big city's not for me. If you need a chapter idea so bad, try killing Queen Beryl and see where that leads."

"You really think I could beat her?" asked Jed.

Zoisite thought about it. "No, her feats are above yours."

"Wrong," said Jadeite. "She can't move planes. And I stopped the Moon Tiara. All Beryl did was get killed by a single rose."

"Oh wow," said Zoisite. "Even I survived those."

"But it was a rose with divine energy put into it. So Beryl's feats are above yours," explained Jadeite.

"Wrong," said Zoisite. "Look Jadeite, I'm too busy for this nonsense. Me and Kunzite have great plans."

Suddenly Zoisite's phone rang.

"Hey," said Kunzite. "The plans have been cancelled. Queen Beryl says she is going to break the world record in how many bowling pins can be juggled at once, and she needs me there to record it."

"Drat!" said Zoisite. "That Beryl is such a pest!"

"Farewell," said Kunzite.

"Heh," said Jadeite. "Looks like you're free for the next couple weeks."

"D'ah," said Zoisite. "Alright, let's do this."

* * *

Jadeite and Zoisite stood on the subway, holding on to the handle for dear life.

"Ahhh," said Jadeite. "City life is already off to a good start."

"Why don't we have seatbelts in Japan, or some kind of better method than holding onto this thing?" asked Zoisite.

"City life," said Jadeite. "Love it or leave it."

"Why didn't we just teleport there?" asked Zoisite.

"Zoisite," said Jadeite. "This won't work if you keep asking questions. City folk don't complain."

* * *

Jadeite and Zoisite arrived in the big city.

"Wow, this place is huge," said Zoisite. "Now how do we go about taking it on?"

"First," said Jadeite. "We need to rent out an apartment."

"A human apartment?" asked Zoisite. "I hope it's not too much of a downgrade from my castle."

"Yes," said Jadeite. "We must also get jobs. Zoisite, you will work at a coffee shop, and I am an inspired writer who spends my day typing up my story in that very same coffee shop. However I never finish a project. Yet, I make a regular wage off the GoFundMe for my projects! So we each earn half the rent!"

"The city life is confusing," said Zoisite. "Is working at a coffee shop the only job available?"

"Heavens no," said Jadeite. He left it at that.

"Can I be something else?" asked Zoisite.

Jadeite stopped walking. "Do you want to go home?" he asked.

"No," said Zoisite.

"Good," said Jadeite. "Then this is how things will be."

Jadeite ran out into the street and threw himself on the windshield of a cab, breaking the windshield.

The cab stopped and he climbed inside.

"Get in!" he called to Zoisite.

Zoisite opened the door and started putting his suitcases in.

"Sorry," said Jadeite. "But this is where us and the luggage part ways. There's not enough room."

"Yes there is," said Zoisite. "Just let me pack it in."

"Aye, no time for that!" said the cab driver, taking off at 120 miles an hour.

Zoisite sprinted after the cab.

He finally caught up and leapt in.

"RIP luggage," said Zoisite. "If I would have known, I wouldn't have brought any. Now some random person will get it and have a field day."

The cab neared the apartment building, and Jadeite tipped the driver an American nickel.

"Hey!" said the cab driver. "We don't accept that!"

"Sorry," said Jadeite. "Jump and roll!" he yelled.

They leapt out of the moving cab, and the cab didn't stop and kept going off into the distance.

"Good work," said Jadeite. "This is where our apartment is."

"Big apartment," said Zoisite.

"No," said Jadeite. "That's the building. Our apartment is just one of the many rooms."

They entered the building.

"Where's the elevator?" asked Zoisite, and Jadeite let out a hardy laugh.

They climbed the stairs and entered the room.

"Nice room," said Zoisite. "You really pulled some strings."

"Ye," said Jadeite. "I'll sleep in this corner. You can sleep in that corner or that corner."

"Wait," said Zoisite. "Where's the bedroom?"

"No bedroom," said Jadeite. "It's a 0 bedroom apartment. But at least we have a window where we can look out at the people passing by in the city."

"Nice," said Zoisite. "What about a kitchen?"

"No kitchen," said Jadeite. "You work at a coffee shop, so I'm sure they'll give you some food as a bonus."

"Why do we have no bedrooms but a huge flat screen TV?"

"That's just how it works," said Jadeite. "I need to watch Toradora on the TV."

"Jadeite," said Zoisite. "That anime's from like 2008. They're not gonna just show it on TV."

"…They're not?" asked Jadeite.

"Can we sell the TV and buy some beds, or maybe an apartment with a bedroom?"

"No," said Jadeite. "It's attached to the wall. Not even the strongest person on Earth can take it from that wall."

"D'ah," said Zoisite. "Do we at least have sleeping bags?"

"No," said Jadeite. "Don't you remember that us and the luggage parted ways?"

"Can we spawn some?" pleaded Zoisite.

"That would be cheating," said Jadeite. "We're disguised as humans right now."

"Oh," said Zoisite. "Is this going to lead to collecting energy?"

"No," said Jadeite. "I vaguely implied to Beryl that it would, but I have no intentions of collecting energy on this mission."

They settled in, and Jadeite turned on the TV and turned to the Sailor V show.

"I hate the Sailor Scouts," said Jadeite. "Why am I not in this show? I'm the Sailor Scouts' number one enemy!"

"Fun fact, Jadeite," said Zoisite. "During the Alan and An arc of Season 2, someone was dressed up as you in a Sailor Moon play."

"Ah, yes!" said Jadeite. "I was the only Shitennou that was seen city-wide by humans, when I threatened to burn down the city! I'm so glad they acknowledged that."

"Yeah," said Zoisite. "I thought it was a good cameo."

Zoisite laid down in the corner.

"No, not that corner," said Jadeite. "If I need to leave out that door, such as to go to the bathroom on this floor, I will hit you."

"Sad," said Zoisite. He rolled to the other corner.

"Goodnight Jed," said Zoisite.

"Night Zoi Boy," said Jadeite.

* * *

Zoisite woke up early in the morning to go to the coffee shop.

"It must be nice to be on a free schedule like Jed," he said. "But he doesn't have a minimal wage, or regular paychecks."

Zoisite left while Jadeite was still sleeping.

Two hours later Jadeite woke up, and went down to the coffee shop with his laptop.

He sat down at the booth with his name on it, and opened up the laptop.

"Today's the day," he said. "I'll come up with the perfect light novel!"

"Just don't distract me while I'm working," called Zoisite.

"Yes," said Jadeite. "I'll take the regular."

Zoisite was still learning the ropes, but managed to pour him a cup of black coffee.

"No," said Jadeite pouring it on the ground. "I meant my regular. Since I'm here every day, even when it's closed."

"Ah, sorry," said Zoisite. "I'm a new employee. I'll go get my manager."

"Yes," said the manager. "I'll tell you what this man's regular is. We actually named an item on the menu after him. It's called Jed's Regular, and it's a funny joke because he orders the regular, and he's actually ordering the regular. He's 90% of our business, and is pretty much our mascot."

"He's just using the money I earn here to buy all his snacks," said Zoisite. "You might as well just not pay me at all and let Jadeite eat what he wants."

"Good idea," said the boss.

Jadeite worked hard that day, and finally he came up with an idea.

"Zoisite!" he said, calling him over.

"What is it?" said Zoisite.

"Zoisite!" repeated Jadeite. "You're well-informed with the Otaku community, right?"

"No," said Zoisite. "I don't even know what that means."

Jadeite shook his head. "Anyway, has there ever been a piece of literature…"

Zoisite waited anxiously.

"Where there is one male character… And not a single other character! Not one! No girls, no boys, just the MC! And all he does is just walk around and think about the world, but without a single other living being seen."

"That's groundbreaking," said Zoisite.

"Yes," said Jadeite. "It's my new breakthrough. I better copyright it right away!"

"One day you'll get us out of this coffee shop," said Zoisite.

"Yes," said Jadeite. "But it will take a lot of work before I'm able to write this story. So meanwhile I'll write poems for my own enjoyment. I wrote a poem about this coffee shop, actually. Would you like to hear?"

"Sorry," said Zoisite. "I'm working right now."

"Zoisite," said Jadeite. "What does that sign say?"

Zoisite didn't even have to turn around to guess what it said. "The customer is always right," said Zoisite.

"No," said Jadeite. "I was pointing to the menu. We don't have a sign saying that here, but it should be implied."

"You're asking me what the menu says?" said Zoisite. "Why don't you just get up and read it?"

"I can't," said Jadeite. "I'm inspired."

"You know the menu by heart," said Zoisite.

"Yes," said Jadeite. "But I wanna make sure you do."

"Besides," continued Zoisite. "You only order the same item every time."

"One day I'll change things up," said Jadeite. "You better be ready. Anyway, let's hear my poem.

 _The coffee shop._

 _Is it a prison?_

 _Or_

 _A haven?_

 _Coffee_

 _Coffee beans_

 _Typing._

 _Big City._

 _The life of a flower is short and full of suffering._

 _The coffee shop."_

"How did you like it?" asked Jadeite.

"It was very good," said Zoisite. "But I think you should stop fooling around and write your book, so we can get out of here."

"Maybe not today," said Jadeite. "Maybe not tomorrow. But I will tell my story."

* * *

Nephrite waited at his soda machine, but something was off.

"Where is everybody?" he wondered. "Someone usually walks by by now."

No one walked by for the next five hours, so Nephrite marched straight down to Queen Beryl's throne room.

It was uninhabited.

"Very odd," said Nephrite.

* * *

Jed and Zoi headed back to the apartment, by walking of course.

"The streets are too crowded!" said Zoisite. "And there's litter everywhere!"

"Yes," said Jadeite. "As is the city life!"

"Jadeite, look out!" said Zoisite. "A homeless bum! Steer left!"

"Is it Yuuichiro, AKA Chad?" asked Jadeite hopefully.

"No," said Zoisite. "Jadeite, why are you walking towards him!?"

"Spare some change?" said the homeless man.

"No," said Jadeite. "Here is my empty coffee cup. In a hundred years, you can sell it on Ebay for $20."

"I'll kill you!" yelled the homeless man as they walked away.

They walked three miles to their apartment and trudged up the steps.

Once inside, Zoisite threw himself to the floor.

"My feet hurt," he said. "It was a long day at work."

"Yes," said Jadeite. "My hands hurt from typing so little."

"I'm starting to think you never actually intend to finish your projects, because you never go to the next step of seeing some kind of publisher!" said Zoisite.

"You can't go to a publisher with an unfinished project," said Jadeite. "Luckily we're able to pay the bills by GoFundMe. That site is the best thing that's ever happened. People pay me for doing nothing!"

"Aha!" said Zoisite. "You know you do nothing!"

"Yes," said Jadeite. "You should make a GoFundMe too. There are many rich people just throwing money around. Call your page, 'young boy takes on the city,' and see if you get any donations."

"What is yours called?" asked Zoisite.

"Mine's called FNAF 6," said Jadeite. "And I pose as the creator for Five Nights at Freddy's."

"Smart," said Zoisite.

"Things have gone downhill though after the real creator tried to get my page shutdown," said Jadeite. "But I said he was the fake! Since we were on the internet, he couldn't prove anything!"

"Jadeite, I think-"

"Wait," said Jadeite. "A poem is coming to me. Be quiet."

Zoisite waited for 20 minutes, as Jadeite typed vigorously on his laptop.

"Would you like to hear it?" he asked.

"Do I have a choice?" asked Zoisite.

Jadeite didn't even answer, and instead answered by reading his poem.

" _Window._

 _Is it open or closed?_

 _Window to my soul?_

 _People_

 _Walking._

 _People_

 _Living._

 _I am dying._

 _The life of a flower is short and full of suffering._

 _I hate my life._

 _Apartment._

 _Carpet._

 _Zoi boy."_

"See?" said Jadeite. "Every poem I write, I work in the same line. It's my signature trade mark."

"That one was dark," said Zoisite. "Thanks for including me though."

"One day I'll make one about planes," said Jadeite. "If the inspiration comes to me."

"Now you're pushing off your poems too, which you originally started doing to procrastinate your writing?" asked Zoisite. "You need to grab life by the horns, and get stuff done!"

"I wish it were that simple," said Jadeite.

"I think we're done with the city life," said Zoisite. "It's time to go back to the suburbs."

"Good idea," said Jadeite.

He threw his laptop out the window, hitting a child and killing him.

Jadeite punched the flat screen TV, shattering it.

"We have to leave no traces," said Jadeite.

He walked out the door, and Zoisite dashed after him.

"I'm surprised you went so willingly," said Zoisite. "I thought you were gonna be all mad and say we've only been here for two days."

"Yes," said Jadeite. "But I couldn't stand the thought of having to come up with another poem, let alone another story. I could write beautiful works, but it's not worth the emotional toll it will take on me."

They headed down the sidewalk.

"It's late," said Zoisite. "I hope we can make it out of this without some kind of incident."

"Look over there, on the horizon," said Jadeite. "That's the suburbs. We're getting close now!"

Suddenly a hoodlum leapt into the path, blocking Jadeite and Zoisite.

"Money," he demanded, pointing a gun on Zoisite.

"Fine," said Jadeite, giving him an American nickel.

"What is this?" said the mugger.

Jadeite socked him in the chops, instantly killing him.

"This isn't good," said Jadeite. "The city life has turned on us. It's not going to let us escape."

"What does that mean?!" demanded Zoisite, getting panicked.

"It's time we take on the big city," said Jadeite.

"Again!?" said Zoisite, losing his mind.

"No," said Jadeite. "This time, I mean literally. The city will not let us leave, unless we take its life."

"Jadeite, that's crazy talk!" said Zoisite. "Snap out of it!"

"Look out!" yelled Jadeite, leaping into the air.

The big city threw a powerful punch, knocking Zoisite off his feet.

"That was just a warm-up," said the big city.

"I'd hope so," said Jadeite. "Your movements are sluggish and predictable."

"Take that back!" yelled the big city.

Jadeite threw a leaping kick, and the big city was stunned.

Jadeite shot lightning out of his palms, inflicting some damage.

"Tag in!" Jadeite called to Zoisite. "I can't take on the big city without you!"

"D'aww, really?" said Zoisite.

That's when the big city threw an overhead mallet punch, and Zoisite leapt out of the way.

Zoisite shot petals at the big city, but it had no effect.

The big city threw three consecutive blows, wiping Jed off the map.

"Go on without me!" he said.

"No!" said Zoisite. "We said we would take on the big city together!"

Zoisite used his powers to levitate a taxi, and tossed it right at the big city's spine.

It injured the big city, and the big city retaliated with a barrage of blows.

Only half landed, but Zoisite dropped to the ground.

"No!" he said. "This beast is too strong!"

The big city sent another blow his way, but Zoisite tanked it.

Zoisite turned to where Jadeite had been laying, but the only thing lying there was rubble.

"No!" said Zoisite. "Big city, you monster! He was just an inspired author, trying to make something of himself!"

Zoisite threw a powerful blow, but the big city retaliated with its own, and Zoisite's blow was absorbed and returned at tenfold.

Zoisite was tossed into a building, and was finished.

But that's when Jadeite came riding in on a plane.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Jadeite.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed the city.

Right as Jadeite collided with the big city, time froze around him.

He began reciting a poem in his head.

" _Big city._

 _Big pity._

 _Hopes, dreams, moon beams._

 _Big buildings_

 _Small opportunities._

 _Life is precious._

 _Coffee._

 _Apartment._

 _Fate._

 _People._

 _These things, together, is what one would call fate."_

Time resumed, and Jadeite leapt back as the plane exploded, sending the big city into peril.

"THE LIFE OF A FLOWER," howled Jadeite out loud, finishing the poem that was in his head. "IS SHORT! AND FULL OF SUFFERING!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed the big city, as Jadeite threw the killing blow.

The big city took its life before Jadeite's blow landed.

But it had the same effect, and the big city dropped dead.

"Good work," said Zoi boy, crawling to his feet. "How did you survive several blows from the big city?"

"Easy," said Jadeite. "I just tanked them. If you brace yourself right before the hit lands, it lessens the damage. One would call it a superguard."

"Good work," repeated Zoisite.

They left the big city.


	197. Jadeite Sells Cars

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Jadeite, this chapter won't be about you," said Beryl. "Just run along."

"Sorry," said Jadeite. "Actually it will be. Goodbye Beryl. YOU'RE the one who won't be seen for the rest of the chapter."

"NO!" yelled Beryl. "You will pay for this, Jadeite!"

But he didn't, because Beryl wasn't seen for the rest of the chapter.

* * *

"I have a good energy scheme this time," said Jadeite to no one in particular. "It involves selling cars that steal people's energy!"

No one responded.

"Please clap," instructed Jadeite.

A couple Youmas hanging around his dark space clapped.

"Good," said Jadeite. "That's what I like to hear."

Jadeite teleported to Earth and spawned a bunch of cars in an empty parking lot.

"Hmm," he said. "No one's here yet."

Jadeite waited.

"Looks like I must advertise my business."

Jadeite showed up in a TV studio that was shooting a commercial for State Farm.

"Take a nap," he suggested.

Everyone dropped.

"Shoot!" said Jadeite. "I don't have anyone to man the camera!"

Jed summoned a Youma.

The Youma looked around.

"Where am I?" she said.

Jadeite put her down.

"This won't work," said Jadeite.

He summoned another Youma.

The Youma didn't say anything.

"Good," said Jadeite. "Record this."

The Youma walked over to the camera and started recording.

"Shit, I didn't have a disguise on!" said Jed. "Did that air?"

"It's still airing," said the Youma.

"No!" said Jadeite.

He shot lightning at the camera.

"I'll find a new studio," he decided.

He put the Youma to rest and teleported away.

* * *

The Sailor pack sat at the temple.

"Let's watch something on TV," said Rei.

Grandpa turned on the TV. "Have fun, young girls," he said, walking away.

A commercial came on suddenly, that was much louder than the previous ones.

"HEYYYYY!" screamed a familiar blond man, who they just couldn't place. "I'm Crazy JAYDO. Why am I crazy, you might ask? If you saw my prices, you'd go insane too! WOOOOOOO!"

Jadeite leapt on the windshield of a car, shattering it.

Then he started gnawing on the car.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" he screamed, pulling his hair out while getting close to the camera.

"I'm crazy!" he reported. "I'm actually GIVING these cars away! 99.9% off?! That's madness! What is wrong with me!? AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Jadeite threw a leaping kick, ending a car.

Then he lit himself ablaze with a gasoline tank and threw himself into another car.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" he screamed. "Get these cars before I destroy them all!"

The commercial ended.

"Hmm," said Usagi. "I am 16. I should get a car. But Kenji won't buy me one."

"Just buy one at Jaydo's," said Rei. "Apparently, he's practically giving them away."

"Maybe I will," said Usagi. "Let's go."

* * *

The Sailors arrived at Jaydo's car lot.

"Greetings!" said Jaydo, extending his arm.

No one shook his hand, because they were frightened.

"Don't be spooked," suggested Jaydo. "I was just acting insane for the commercial. I'm actually quite sane. But my prices aren't. What are you ladies in the market for?"

"The cheapest one," said Usagi.

"The cheapest one?!" screamed Jaydo. "Why, you won't be able to afford that one, unless you have 1 yen!"

"What do you mean, 1 yen?" asked Usagi. "Is that the down payment?"

"No," said Jaydo. "The car is 1 yen. Do you want it?"

"Are these actually real cars?" asked Rei. "Not some kind of toy or something?"

"Yes," said Jadeite. "In fact, since this is your first car, I'll give you one for free!"

"No way," said Ami. "This is insane."

"I told you!" yelled Jadeite.

He brought them up to a nice blue car.

"How's this one?" he asked.

"It looks brand new," noted Minako.

"Hmm," said Usagi. "Maybe not something blue… or maybe it is a cool color."

"Too late," said Jadeite. He destroyed the car with his fist.

He pulled out the steering wheel and threw it into the windshield. He tore off the hood, and started hammering the roof.

He finished the car off by pulling out a sledgehammer and bashing it until there was nothing left.

He then threw the rubble onto a conveyor belt, and it compressed the car until it was a single molecule.

"How about this red one?" asked Jed.

"Okay," said Usagi, not wanting to see another perfectly good car go to waste.

Jadeite tossed her the keys. "Have fun!"

"Wait," said Usagi. "Don't you want to check my license?"

"No," said Jaydo.

"Do I get a free car too?" asked Rei.

"No, you brat," said Jaydo. "You must pay 1 yen."

"I don't carry around single yen," said Rei.

Jaydo pulled out a sledgehammer.

"Wait, wait," said Rei. "Just give me a second."

* * *

The girls raced their cars down the street.

"I'm going to the temple!" called Rei out her window. "I'm dropping this one off and then going back to get ten more!"

"Oooh, I should too!" said Usagi. "I'll get one for Shingo when he comes of age, and one for Luna too, when she becomes a person again!"

They headed back to Jaydo's.

* * *

Ikuko hopped in her new car that Usagi bought her for 1 yen.

"1 yen?!" she said. "For this brand new model?! Absurd! I hope Usagi didn't just steal it and then lie."

Ikuko took off for the grocery store, and got on the highway.

"Time to put on some tunes," she said.

She turned on the radio, but nothing happened.

"Odd," she said.

Suddenly, she started feeling drained.

"Ugh…" she mumbled. "It's like my energy's being sucked away from me…"

She tried to keep her eyes opened, but did not.

She drifted to a deep slumber, but her car was still driving.

The road turned, but she didn't, and she went flying off a cliff and died just like Mamoru's family.

* * *

Motoki drove down the street in his new hotrod.

"With my earnings from Crown Arcade, I can buy 100 of these an hour! I can score any girl I want with this baby!"

"Hey," said Reika who was in the passenger seat.

"Oh," said Motoki. "I forgot you were here visiting."

"Hmm," said Reika.

Motoki started feeling sleepy all of a sudden.

"I've been working too hard lately," he thought. "But I need to keep Crown Arcade running as well as…"

Motoki passed out.

"Motoki," said Reika. "You just ran a red light!"

She turned to see Motoki was no longer conscious.

"Motoki!" she cried. "Motoki, wake up!"

She shook his shoulder, but nothing happened.

Reika turned to see a truck twice the size of their car driving right at them.

Reika screamed at the top of her lungs, but her scream was cut short.

Reika's life was taken, and so was Motoki's.

Their crunched car was reflected off the truck and into Crown Arcade, where it exploded.

* * *

"Usagi," said Luna. "Look at this in the paper!"

"How are you reading the paper?" Usagi asked entering the room. "Ah, you have it laid flat on the table. I see."

"Loooook!" said Luna. "It appears that car accidents resulting from drivers falling asleep at the wheel have gone up by 2000%."

"Ah," said Usagi. "Maybe there's a coffee shortage. Just today when I was walking to school, I saw three cars run off the road and into walls, resulting in explosions. It's like a dead zone going to school now. I never know when my life's gonna be cut short from a flying car."

"Usagi," said Luna. "Didn't your mom just die from falling asleep behind the wheel?"

"I forget," said Usagi. "I haven't seen her in a while."

"Something is off, and I feel like it's the Negaverse," said Luna.

"Hmmmmm," said Usagi, deep in thought.

Suddenly her phone rang.

"Moshi moshi!" said Usagi.

"Usagi, this is bad!" said Rei.

"What happened?" asked Usagi. "What did Grandpa do this time?"

"It's not him for once," said Rei. "Usagi, Ami is dead!"

"Noooooooooooo," said Usagi with great emotion.

"What happened?" asked Usagi.

"She fell asleep behind the wheel!" explained Rei.

"Well that's odd," said Usagi. "Everyone knows Ami gets twelve hours of sleep each night! She's like a cat!"

"Something isn't right here!" said Rei. "Hang on, I'm getting another call."

Sailor Moon waited patiently.

"Usagi, you still there?" asked Rei.

"Yes," said Usagi. "I picked up, didn't I?"

"Yes," said Rei. "Makoto has been taken."

"By who?" asked Usagi.

"The reaper," said Rei. "She fell asleep at the wheel and ran onto a train track! Let's just say she didn't have a happy ending!"

"D'oh," said Sailor Moon. "Rei, don't drive anywhere, okay?"

"Yes," said Rei. "But I'm going to investigate this."

"There's a common variable here," said Luna, putting the pieces together. "It all started when that Jaydo opened up a car shop and sold everyone cars for practically free!"

"I think we gotta pay Jaydo a visit," said Usagi.

* * *

Jaydo stood in his office holding a huge ball of energy.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!" he laughed. "I should put this away before something dangerous happens. I don't know how I lose my ball every time, but this is different. I don't have any Youmas doing the dirty work this time."

Suddenly there was a knock on the door.

Jadeite put his ball of energy in his pocket.

"Coming!" he said, putting on a Jaydo voice.

He opened the door, and on the porch of the car shop was the Sailor Scouts.

"Ah!" he said. "I guess even Sailors need transportation!"

"No," said Sailor Moon. "We think your cars are putting people to sleep behind the wheel!"

"That's ridiculous," said Jaydo. "No car would have the power to do that."

"Yes," said Sailor Moon. "But can we investigate your car shop?"

"Sure," said Jaydo. "Just give me a second."

He closed the door.

He picked up a waste bin and screamed into it.

He took ten deep breaths and opened the door again.

"Ah," he said. "I'm back."

"Jaydo," said Sailor Mars. "Your pocket's glowing."

"Yes," said Jadeite. "That's just my phone. Someone's calling me, however I don't want to receive their call."

"Well, give us the keys to a car," said Minako. "We're going to check inside and make sure everything is normal."

"Ah, here you go!" said Jaydo.

They hopped in the car and turned it on.

"Hmm," said Mars. "If only we had Ami's scouter to scan this thing."

"RIP Ami," said Minako.

"Alright," said Sailor Moon. "Let's wait and see if we start feeling drained."

They waited.

Sailor Moon put the car on park and stepped on the gas, to see if that triggered anything.

Suddenly she felt drained.

"What is this?!" she demanded.

She took her foot off the gas, and turned off the car.

"That settles it," she said. "You all felt that too, right?"

"Yes," said Rei. "Nega energy."

Rei went to open the door, but it would not open.

"Huh?" she said. "Sailor Moon, unlock my door."

"It is unlocked," said Sailor Moon.

Suddenly the car started drifting.

"Brake!" commanded Minako.

"It's on park!" said Sailor Moon.

The car kept moving, and drove up onto the conveyer belt.

As the conveyer belt turned on, they heard the familiar slamming sound of a car compactor.

"NOOOOOOOO!" yelled Sailor Moon.

They looked out the window, and saw Jaydo standing at the control booth laughing.

"Why Jaydo, why!?" cried Minako. "I knew you were crazy, but not this crazy!"

Jaydo snapped his fingers, and then he was wearing a Shitennou uniform.

"JADEEIIIITE!" yelled Sailor Moon. "Whenever we hear a name like yours, we should always suspect that person!"

"Heh heh," laughed Jadeite. "You should have left well enough alone, but now you little lambs are going to hell! Sorry to 'crush' your dreams! HAhahahaha!" he laughed.

"NOOOOOOOO!" repeated Sailor Moon as they approached the compactor.

They kept trying to open the car, but it did no good.

"Mars Fire Ignite!" yelled Mars, panicking.

"NO!" cried Sailor Moon and Minako.

The inside of the car heated up and they all got singed, but it did not open.

"GIRLS!" cried Luna, flanked by Artemis.

They ran up and tried to pull open the door, but it didn't work.

"Run, Luna!" yelled Sailor Moon. "You'll get crushed!"

"NO!" said Luna. She kept trying and trying.

"I've got this!" said Artemis.

He skittered up Jadeite's control booth, and hopped in.

He leapt with all he had at the reverse lever.

Jadeite swung his arm, and Artemis was tossed through the window and onto the conveyor belt, where he passed out.

"Artemis!" yelled Luna.

"Take a nap, furball!" yelled Jadeite.

He knocked out Luna, too.

"AHHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAH!" laughed Jadeite.

He took out a bag of popcorn, and put his legs on the control booth.

"This will be great!" he said, bouncing in his seat.

Suddenly he heard music.

"NO!" he screamed.

A rose flew at the windshield of the car the girls were trapped in, shattering it to pieces.

They leapt out at the last second, before getting crushed.

"NO!" repeated Jadeite.

His entire ball of energy vanished.

"What?!" he cried. "Why would that be?! Why didn't I just take that back to the Negaverse, I had so much time?!"

"It's over!" said Tuxedo Mask. "You use cars to-"

Jadeite leapt out of the controls and drop-kicked Tuxedo Mask.

"RRAAAAA!" he yelled.

He did a backflip into a portal.

"I'll be back!" called Jadeite.

* * *

Jadeite returned to the Negaverse.

"Jadeite," said Beryl. "Why did you let the energy get away?"

"I don't know," said Jadeite. "I don't know why I stand there holding it, instead of putting it in some kind of vault as I go."

"It's foolish," said Beryl. "It's like playing a videogame, but never considering saving until the end. What if your power goes out? What if you knock the cord out?"

"Leave me alone," said Jadeite. "I spent a lot of energy today spawning cars. One man named Kenji came back 2,000 times!"

"If you're just going to use energy and not make any, why don't you just give the energy directly to Metalia?"

"D'ah," said Jadeite. "Maybe next time."

FIN


	198. Breadite

"Queen Bear," yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"What'd you call me?" demanded Beryl.

"Enough chit-chat," said Jadeite. "I'm retiring."

"What?!" screamed Beryl.

"Beryl," said Jadeite. "There comes a time in every man's life where he has to follow his dream. I will be opening a bread shop, and sadly you are not allowed to come as a customer."

"Sleep forever!" yelled Beryl.

"Sadly," said Jadeite. "I knew you wouldn't support my dream, so that's why I only appeared as a hologram. I guess this is goodbye."

Jadeite's hologram teleported away.

Queen Beryl sat back on her throne.

"Hmm," said Beryl. "I'll be a customer at his shop if it's the last thing I do."

* * *

Jadeite opened his bread shop.

It was called, "Breadite."

"Opened for business," he said giddily, switching the closed sign to open.

To his shock, customers came pouring in like water during a flood.

"Yahoo!" said Jadeite.

"Give me a loaf!" begged a customer.

Jadeite tossed them a loaf, and they left a huge tip of 30 bucks.

"Life is great," said Jadeite. "What did I do to deserve this success?"

As the day went on, the number of customers only increased.

A line formed all the way down the street, and it was like a madhouse in there.

Jadeite started to run out of bread, so he quickly spawned some more.

"Number 302!" called Jadeite.

"MeeeEE!" said Kenji.

He took his dozen of loafs and put them all in the toaster that was available for customers at the front of the room.

"TTOOOOAST!" cheered Kenji, hopping up and down.

"Alright now," said Jadeite. "Don't get too rowdy."

A few customers came shoving their way in past the very long line down the street.

"Hey," said Jadeite. "You have to wait in line."

"No," said Zoisite. He was flanked by Nephrite and Kunzite.

"Ah!" said Jadeite. "Look what the cat dragged in!"

"Jadeite," said Nephrite. "You must return."

"Why?" said Jadeite. "After I left you all made fun of me!"

"Yes," said Nephrite. "But things change."

"No," said Jadeite. "This is my dream, and I will live it. And if I recall, you were giddy to get my job, and Zoisite was giddy to get yours. Kunzite however wasn't giddy to get Zoisite's."

"Yes," agreed Kunzite. "I was far from it."

"Yes," said Nephrite. "However, quickly after getting my job, I realized Beryl was a pest, and way too demanding. I was a bit too anxious for that job, so I'm kindly giving it back to you."

"No," said Jadeite. "I'm a bread boy now. This is where I belong."

"It's hopeless," said Zoisite. "He's not coming back. We'll just have to replace him."

"That won't do," said Kunzite. "Everyone we've had to replace Jadeite has been a mess so far. You can't replace one of the Great Four!"

"Nice try," said Jadeite. "But sadly it won't work. Number 322!"

A customer came up and got bread.

"Hey, give me some of that bread," said Nephrite.

Jadeite handed him a loaf.

Nephrite burned it in his palm. "Haha," he said. "And I'm not paying for it either."

Jadeite shrugged. "I can spawn bread literally for free. You did not hurt me at all."

"Wrong," said Nephrite, throwing a punch.

Suddenly a loaf of bread flung itself, absorbing the blow.

Jadeite picked up the piece of bread, and threw it back at Nephrite.

The bread released the blow it had absorbed back onto Zoisite, greatly crippling him.

"Hey!" said Kunzite.

"I suggest you go," said Jadeite. "If you don't want another beat down."

The Shitennou left.

"Number 345," called Jadeite.

Motoki hopped up from his seat. "I'll have some cinnamon bread!"

"No," said Jadeite. "We only serve plain bread here."

"Oh," said Motoki. "I'll take some plain bread then."

"No," said Jadeite. "You can't."

"Why?" demanded Motoki.

"Number 346," called Jadeite.

Motoki left.

* * *

Jadeite came to work the next morning, but stopped when he spotted something odd across the street.

"What is this?!" demanded Jadeite.

The store across the street was called, "Yeasttennou."

"No!" said Jadeite.

He stormed inside.

"Hello," said Nephrite. "Would you like to try a bread sample?"

"Alright," said Jadeite.

He picked up a piece of bread, and burned it in his palm.

"Haha!" he said.

He left.

"It's over for Jadeite," said Kunzite. "Our bread is better, since I am better than Jadeite."

The sun peaked over the horizon, and the early morning bread buyers soon filled the streets.

"Any minute now," said Zoisite.

"Heh heh," thought Jadeite, in his store across the street. "My customers are loyal."

And they were.

The customers streamed into Jadeite's store even faster than they did yesterday, like a tsunami of sorts.

"What is this?!" said Nephrite. "Why are they all going to Jadeite's store?!"

"Maybe we weren't clear that ours was a bread shop," said Zoisite. "What does Yeasttennou even mean?"

"No," said Kunzite. "We have a picture of bread on our sign. There should be no confusion."

After many hours of the Shitennou twiddling their thumbs and playing with the bell, a customer walked in with a suit and tie.

"WELCOME!" called the Shitennou in unison.

Fireworks went off, and the door made a loud bell sound.

The customer did not say a word, but simply walked up to the counter and took one of the bread samples.

He took a bite, and chewed it slowly.

He chewed it for ten minutes, while the Shitennou waited on the edge of their seats.

Finally, after ten minutes, he swallowed the bread.

"So," said Zoisite. "Good, right?"

"No," said the man.

That's all he said.

They waited.

"Care to explain?" asked Nephrite finally.

"This bread has no love in it," said the man.

"Oh come on!" said Kunzite.

But the man continued. "It tastes like it was made by a machine."

"Wrong," said Kunzite. "I made it with my own bare hands."

"Mm," said the man. "The bread industry is not for you. Have you considered something more cold-hearted, like telemarketing?"

Nephrite threw a blow, but the man absorbed it.

He left, without explaining why he was able to tank that shot.

"That's it," said Nephrite. "This bread shop is no more. And I'm not going back to Beryl, so it's time to start a new industry."

The Shitennou exited the bread shop, and Nephrite blew it up.

Jadeite watched from inside his store.

"Heh heh," he snickered.

Nephrite spawned a new building in its place.

"Tomorrow we will open shop," he said.

They went their separate ways.

* * *

The next day, Jadeite arrived at the bread shop, and saw that across the street was some kind of ski shop.

"I'm glad they're finally living their dream," said Jadeite. "And not someone else's dream."

Jadeite opened up shop, and meanwhile the Shitennou opened up their shop.

This new shop was called, "Skitennou."

They sold skis and snowboards of great quality, at low prices.

"Finally," said Nephrite.

Someone walked in.

They examined a snowboard for a very long time.

They tapped on it like one would tap on a door.

Then they held it to their ear.

"Hmmmmmm," they said.

"Mmmmmm?" said Nephrite.

"Good," said the man. "It was made with love. I'll take 20."

The man bought 20 snowboards and left, and in fact road out on one.

"Good work," said Zoisite. "I'm glad everything worked out."

* * *

A customer who had been waiting in line all morning finally reached the counter at Jed's bread shop.

"I have a bone to pick with you," said Queen Beryl.

"Why?" said Jadeite.

"For one," said Beryl. "Your treason set a trend, and all my other Shitennou left too! Now they're running some kind of sweat shop!"

"Actually," said Jadeite. "It's a ski shop."

"No," said Beryl. "And second, you told me I can't come to your bread shop as a customer! But I'm here as a customer!"

"Wrong," said Jadeite. "I won't sell you any bread. In fact, I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

Beryl spawned a crystal.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" she yelled.

She threw a crystal.

A slice of bread slung itself, deflecting the crystal like some kind of mirror.

Beryl was hit by the crystal and died.

"Ah," said Jadeite.

"Good work, boy," he said patting the bread.

It returned to its loaf, and Jadeite sold the loaf.

"Mmmmm," he said. "Dreams really do come true."

FIN


	199. Nephrite Runs: The New Year's Threequel

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

That's when Kunzite sprinted in and threw a dropkick, taking Jadeite out of commission.

"Kunzite," said Beryl. "Why are you so rowdy today?"

"Ah," said Kunzite. "It's New Year's Eve! Who's ready to ring in the new year?!"

"I am!" said Nephrite running in. "I'm ready to finally fulfil my long sought-after New Year's resolution, of not drinking any alcohol!"

"Nephrite," said Beryl. "You've been at that resolution since the Silver Millennium, and you've never pulled it off for more than one day. Why don't you go with something a little more realistic, like getting energy for the Negaverse?"

"Sorry," said Nephrite. "This year is the year."

He put on a sweatband, and started jogging in place.

"What are you doing?" said Kunzite.

"I'm just getting ready for my run," said Nephrite. "My mistake in the previous years has been that I attempt to resist temptation, but I can't run fast enough away from the liquor stores. But this year, I've changed my plan. I'm working on my running, not my willpower. I'll sprint so fast they simply won't be able to catch me, and I will succeed!"

"Wow," said Beryl. "If only you put that much thought into getting energy."

"Haha," said Kunzite.

But he realized his mistake in drawing attention to himself seconds later.

"Kunzite," said Beryl. "What is your resolution this year?"

But like Nephrite, Kunzite was also ready.

He knew he had slipped up last year by not having a resolution ready, and Beryl had to pick one for him which was very unfortunate. So this time he made one up ahead of time.

"My resolution," announced Kunzite. "Is learning how to throw a cyclone punch."

"That's silly," said Beryl. "That sounds more like a Jed resolution to me."

Jadeite was recovered by the sound of his name, and hopped to his feet.

"Kunzite," he said. "Why did you run up and dropkick me?"

"Sorry," said Kunzite. "I'm just giddy."

"D'ah," said Jed. "Well, my New Year's resolution is to finally get through episode 6 of the anime."

"What do you mean?" asked Beryl.

"Well," said Jadeite. "For any fake fans, episode 6 is the one with the music tape and the bat Youma, and that boring piano guy."

"What's so hard about watching that?" asked Kunzite.

"Yeah," said Nephrite. "Don't you star in that one?"

"I do!" said Jadeite. "That's why I'm upset with my inability to watch it!"

"Why can't you watch it?" said Nephrite.

"Ugh," said Jadeite. "It's just too boring. In fact, DiC cut it from their dub because it was so boring!"

"No," said Nephrite. "They actually cut it because the thought of a scary monster chasing a man throughout the city would have been too spooky for kids. Which is why they cut Zoisite chasing Gamer Joe."

"Didn't we already discuss this?" said Beryl.

"Hmm," said Kunzite. "I thought it was cut because Usagi was drinking from a bar."

"No," said Nephrite. "They could always do the cliché anime juice cover-up, like they did to me."

"Lemonade," chuckled Kunzite.

"Who told you about that?!" said Nephrite.

"Zoisite," said Kunzite. "Hey, where is he?"

"Hmm," said Beryl. "I haven't seen him all day. Which is quite odd, because if there's one thing Zoisite enjoys, it's his face being shown."

"Zoisite couldn't even wait until his own arc to show his face," said Nephrite. "He in fact showed up on my first episode, which is completely unprecedented when I'm the one being introduced!"

"I haven't interacted with Zoisite much," said Jadeite. "But from what I've heard, he likes to be the center of attention."

"The last time I saw him," said Kunzite. "Was this morning, when I wished him a happy New Year."

"That little snake!" said Nephrite. "He's trying to get out of doing a New Year's resolution! Don't you remember last year, when he tried to eat pasta or something instead of a challenge?!"

"Oooooooh!" said Beryl, fumed. "Kunzite, track him down!"

"On it," said Kunzite.

Kunzite fled.

"I'm off," said Jadeite.

"Me too," said Nephrite. "I gotta go run on my treadmill to prepare for the big day."

Once they were gone, Beryl looked around.

"They're gone, Kenji," she said.

Kenji climbed down from the big skull-like statue attached to Beryl's throne that he had climbed like a tree.

"Gee," said Kenji. "I just didn't want to cause any trouble on a holiday."

"Kenji, what is your resolution?" asked Beryl.

"Hmmm," thought Kenji. "Probably to beat Shingle less."

"Bad resolution," said Beryl. "Yours should be to eat less toast."

"Good one," said Kenji. "But not one that will happen."

"Sad," said Beryl. "Your toast obsession is one of your few vices in life."

"What's your resolution, Beryl?" asked Kenji.

"Hmmmm," thought Beryl. "I think I'll take more days off from work. I've been pushing myself too hard, and I spend 90% of my life on this throne, and the other 10% in Metalia's chambers. I need more me time. Metalia waited 1,000 years, she can wait the extra day or two if I take weekends off."

"Wise decision," said Kenji.

* * *

Jadeite sat down in the Nega computer lounge and loaded up ol' KissAnime.

"Sneaky ads," he said, catching one that flew by.

After spending 10 minutes closing all the pop-ups, he finally brought up episode 6 of Sailor Moon.

"I can do this," he told himself.

That was the last thing he remembered.

He woke up two hours later with 20 ads on his screen.

"No!" yelled Jadeite. "I didn't even make it past the opening! Just thinking about what lied ahead put me to sleep!"

Jadeite scrolled back in the video to where the episode began.

"Come on, Jadeite!" he said. "You appear in this one! You are enough to keep any audience interested!"

The episode opened in Queen Beryl's throne room.

But no one said a word.

Jadeite and Beryl were both staring at her crystal ball, as a cassette tape was inside of it.

Jadeite started to close his eyes.

"Say something, Jeddo!" he pleaded to his past self.

But the lullaby put him to sleep.

* * *

Nephrite ran laps around the Juuban High School track.

He passed by Melvin who was in a hot sweat.

"Ah, Maxfield!" wheezed Melvin. "Wait up pal!"

But Nephrite didn't stop, and kept running at max speeds.

He finished his three laps, and then stopped the stopwatch and looked at his record time.

"Good!" thought Nephrite. "But not fast enough to outrun my urges!"

Nephrite started another three lap spin.

* * *

Kunzite stepped inside his castle.

First he checked the freezer, and then the refrigerator.

"Hmm," said Kunzite. "He's not in his usual hiding spots."

He checked under the bed, and then in the closet.

"Zoisite!" he called.

There was no reply.

"Whelp, I guess he can't be found," said Kunzite. "Time to work on my cyclone punch."

Kunzite teleported into Motoki, the Earth human's, abode.

"Yeah, Unazuki," said Motoki. "My resolution is to call you your real name, and not just Motoki's sister! And also to be more friendly at work!"

"Wow," said Motoki's sister. "That's a lot on your plate. I think instead of those things, you should focus on trying to avoid those boys from the Negaverse at all costs. It always ends with you flying away in a beam, to the great beyond or further."

"Sorry, Motoki's sister," said Motoki. "But I can't do that. Shoot!" he realized. "I forgot your name again!"

Kunzite appeared.

"AAAHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Motoki's sister.

Kunzite shot a dark energy wave, stopping her heartbeat permanently.

"No, Motoki's sister!" cried Motoki.

"Young Motoki," said Kunzite. "Teach me the cyclone punch."

"Never!" yelled Motoki. "You just killed my sister!"

"Alright, I'll bargain with you," said Kunzite. "I'll have Metalia revive your sister, if you teach me the cyclone punch."

"Fine," said Motoki. "I guess I have no choice. Now watch closely as I throw a cyclone punch at this door here."

Kunzite watched closely and took notes.

"See?" said Motoki. "Easy as pie. Now heal my sister."

"I can't," said Kunzite. "I still don't understand what exactly a cyclone punch is."

"Just do exactly as I do," said Motoki. "I'll show you again."

Kunzite observed with great intensity, and then he tried his own.

But it was just a regular punch.

Motoki shook his head. "You're just not doing it right," he said.

"Teach me better!" demanded Kunzite. "Explain to me the exact motions!"

"Eh… that's kind of hard," said Motoki. "Can't you just mimic exactly what I do? It's not something that can be explained well with words."

Kunzite was getting mad.

"Just try!" he said. "I'm more of a written learner than a visual learner!"

Motoki just shook his head.

"Here," he said. "I'll throw a cyclone punch at you, and maybe that will help you."

"Alright," said Kunzite, bracing himself.

Motoki threw a cyclone punch, and Kunzite was lifted off into the air in a cyclone.

Kunzite dropped to the ground, sustaining some damage.

"NO!" said Kunzite. "How can such a weakling do so much damage with just one cyclone punch?! It's such a powerful technique!"

Motoki scoffed. "Any human or other entity can do it," he said. "It's just simple martial arts. I find it quite funny that someone as powerful as you cannot pull off such an easy move."

Kunzite killed Motoki. "I need a good teacher," he said. "Not some fool who can't even describe a cyclone punch."

* * *

Kenji sat at his dining room table with his son Shingle.

Ikuko was whipping up some dessert. Usagi was absent – hopefully not at some boy's house.

"So, Shingle," he said. "How are you doing in school?"

"Eat shit, old man!" said Shingo.

Kenji unsheathed his fist. He hesitated for a very long time, and then let out a long sigh.

He put his fist back in his pocket.

"Son," said Kenji. "How is that girl with the dolls? I read about her in the newspaper the other day, isn't she a friend of yours?"

"Shut up," said Shingle. "Go eat your toast, rat boy! You must be a rat if you eat toast, since it's probably the worst food humanity has created."

Kenji stood up, pushing out his chair.

He shook his head. "Not this year," he said. "I won't break my resolution!"

"Nice glasses, four-eyes!" said Shingo.

Kenji leapt over the table, throwing a punch, and then throwing a rapidkick into Shingle's stomach and then neck.

He threw a double-elbow mighty slam, killing Shingle.

"Phew," said Ikuko, trashing Shingo's Hot Pocket she was making.

"How did Shingoo get brown hair anyway?" asked Kenji. "Did you have an affair, Ikuko?"

Ikuko threw a leaping punch, and Kenji had to put her down.

"Both my kids," considered Kenji.

* * *

Nephrite was doing some stretches at the track as the sun went down.

Kunzite appeared.

"Go away," said Nephrite. "I'm busy preparing for the 5k run."

"Stop fooling around," said Kunzite. "And teach me the cyclone punch."

"What?" scoffed Nephrite, trying to suppress a chuckle. "You don't know the cyclone punch? Even that nerd over there probably knows the cyclone punch!"

"Hidy ho!" called Melvin. "Does that guy not know the cyclone punch?"

Kunzite shot a long-range projectile, killing Melvin.

"Alright," said Nephrite. "I'll do it in slow motion for you. Watch carefully."

Nephrite performed a perfect cyclone punch specimen.

Kunzite let out a scream when he tried and failed. "I just can't do it!" he said. "EXPLAIN IT TO MEEEEE!"

"Sorry," said Nephrite. "It just can't be put in words, just like the grand slam. I guess you either know the cyclone punch, or you don't."

"It can't be!" said Kunzite, getting on his hands and knees and sobbing. "I have it all, but what am I if I can't do the cyclone punch!?"

Kunzite finally got on his feet as Nephrite continued to stretch.

"Nephrite," he said finally. "Take my cape. I am no lord without the cyclone punch!"

"Gee," said Nephrite. "That's a nice offer, but sadly I can't accept it. It will just weigh me down during my sprint."

"Grrr!" said Kunzite, burning his cape in his palm.

Kunzite fled.

Nephrite looked at his watch.

"10 minutes until midnight!" he gasped. "I better head to town now to begin my walk down the streets, since it's inevitable!"

Nephrite started walking towards town, but faded away mid-walk as part of his teleport.

* * *

Jadeite's alarm went off loudly.

"Huh?!" said Jadeite. "Queen Beryl, is that you?"

He looked around.

"Oh," he said. "It's just the Nega computer lounge."

He looked at the computer screen. It was the credits of Sailor Moon.

"No!" he said. "I fell asleep again!? I remember getting past the Negaverse part, which was a great milestone, but then they started dealing with that human of the week, and I couldn't take it anymore!"

Jadeite decided it was time for drastic measures.

He picked up a 28 Hour Energy, and consumed it all in one gulp.

Then he drank 14 cups of coffee, and turned on a loud, blaring siren.

"I can't possibly fall asleep now," he said, pushing his chair away and doing jumping jacks.

He scrolled to halfway through the episode, and clicked the play button.

But then he woke up 10 hours later, laying on his chair.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he screamed. "Why!? Can't?! I?! Watch?! This one episode?!"

Jadeite started to cry. "How does a man not make it through his own arc?!"

* * *

Kunzite appeared at Hikawa Shrine.

"If anyone could teach me the cyclone punch, it's this man," thought Kunzite.

He stopped at the door. "I would ask Zoisite," he said. "But he can't be located right now. Besides, he would probably be of no help to me, since someone like him probably doesn't even know what the cyclone punch is."

Kunzite sighed and knocked on the door.

He held his breath.

"HAPPY NEW YEAR!" greeted Grandpa. "Oh, it's you, Kunzite," he said. "What do you want? Did they send the best of you this time to try and take my crystal, since that Zoisite had such a hard time last time?"

"No," said Kunzite. "I come in peace. I know how much you like teaching martial arts, and I just want you to teach me the cyclone punch."

"Hmmm," said Grandpa. "Maybe if you were a girl, I'd want to do it more readily."

"Hey," said Kunzite. "Rumor has it you hit on boys and girls."

"Yes," said Grandpa. "But I favor girls more than boys."

"Grrr," said Kunzite.

"Alright," said Grandpa. "Come in."

Kunzite entered.

Grandpa took out a big book, labeled "Martial Arts Encyclopedia."

He flipped to C, and read down the list. "Ah, Cyclone Punch, here it is! Here's a diagram on how to do it!"

"Wait," said Kunzite. "It's an encyclopedia, so don't they describe how to do it?"

"No," said Grandpa sadly. "You can't describe the cyclone punch. It's just something that you feel inside."

Kunzite got mad and flipped to the glossary.

"Cyclone Punch," it read. "A mighty punch that's like a cyclone."

"NOO!" said Kunzite. "I already knew that! This doesn't tell me how to do it!"

"Just follow my lead," said Grandpa. "We'll go step by step."

"Okay," said Kunzite.

"Here is step one," said Grandpa.

Grandpa threw the cyclone punch.

"Your turn!" said Grandpa.

"That's not a step!" yelled Kunzite furiously.

"Sorry," said Grandpa. "It's a single motion. I can't simplify it more."

Kunzite ended him, and took off to the Nega archives.

He read through every single book, and then gave up.

"I'm not a hand-to-hand fighter anyway," he decided.

Kunzite went to bed.

* * *

Nephrite was walking down the street.

"New year, new me," he said.

He passed by a bar.

"Hello, old friend," he said.

He went to open the door.

"No," he said. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Nephrite took off in a sprint, faster than he's ever ran before in his life.

"Yes, YES!" he said. "I'm moving so fast that I can't even see what the stores are! I'll never stop at a bar now!"

He continued his sprint all the way off into the wilderness, where there were no bars in sight.

"Phew," he said, coming to a stop. "I did it! I outran the bars and the temptations!"

That's when he heard a loud stomping noise, and turned around to see a bar chasing after him.

"WHAT?!" yelled Nephrite. "NOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Just as the store was about to pull him in, he took off sprinting again.

"YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME ALIVE!" he said. "2018 IS THE YEAR OF THE VICTORY!"

Nephrite managed to escape the bar, and went a full day without drinking against all odds.

He met up with Jadeite at the soda machine, January 2nd.

"I couldn't do it," said Jed. "It was just too boring."

"Ah," said Nephrite. "Well I, on the other hand, managed to pull it off."

"You're drinking beer from a flask right now!" said Jed.

"Yeah," said Nephrite. "I decided it was a one day resolution. I can't run for 365 days a year, what kind of life is that? Maybe next year I'll go for two days."

"Well, congratulations," said Jadeite. "I failed yet another year. Would you mind watching my episode for me and telling me if I appear again after the beginning?"

"Sorry," said Nephrite. "You can't pay me enough to watch that."

"Fair enough," said Jadeite.

* * *

Beryl was walking down the Negahalls.

"Hmm," said Beryl.

And when she turned the corner, she spotted Zoisite climbing down from a chandelier.

"AHA!" said Beryl. "I found you! You thought you could fool me?!"

"No!" cried Zoisite.

Beryl charged like 1,000 suns, and Zoisite had no choice but to fight back.

Zoisite threw a perfectly executed cyclone punch, sending Beryl flying into the air.

Zoisite took off sprinting and never returned.

FIN


	200. The 200th Chapter Spectacular

"Queen Beryl!" I yelled. "I found a new source of energy!"

This was how I started every day.

My name is Jadeite, and I'm one of the Great Four of the Dark Kingdom. Life isn't always easy, but I get by living like every day is my last.

I have short blond hair, typical boy style, and much better than average looks. Some call me handsome; I agree with that.

So here I was, this typical work day. Sometimes I felt like a husk, just living but not doing much else. The days were fleeting, yet each lasted an eternity too long.

Usually this didn't bother me, but today I was being rather introspective for reasons I can't quite place.

"Hey Jeddo," said a rather unmasculine voice from behind me.

I didn't have to turn around to know it was none other than my coworker Zoisite, of the Negaverse. I couldn't be sure, but he was surely floating several paces above me, and several paces behind me. Or at least the projection of his voice sounded as though it originated from there.

"What do you want, Zoisite?" I spoke, turning.

Zoisite had a rather feminine figure for a male, and his face could easily have been mistaken for a female. In fact, if one were to give him a girl's voice, you would think he was a female. He had long orange hair, of which was tied in a loose ponytail. His overall demeanor was relaxed and confident, and his posture read that he was comfortable with his identity.

And his face – oh, his face. However mocking it is, there was some childish enthusiasm, unexpected from someone who was so unfriendly to those around him. In a different time and place, I would ask him to be my friend, and maybe start up a conversation with him. But not in this dimension. Friends were not a commodity in our kingdom.

I pondered Zoisite's reason for floating above me, and related it to his condescending attitude. For someone so confident, a condescending attitude is a must. There was no such thing as confidence without pride, and pride leads to negative effects on one's personality.

However, all this being said, one would simply not expect for this young man here to have such a fragile disposition. I've heard rumors, likely true, that Zoisite could be found crying on his lover's knee, in a completely defenseless position. You would think someone so antagonistic would not be shattered so quickly, like throwing rocks at a glass window.

All in all, I could sum up Zoisite's personality as being one in a million. Cruel and heartless one minute, yet sulking and vulnerable the next.

"Jadeite," said Zoisite. "Why are you looking at me like that? It's like you're trying to analyze me or something."

Ah, how ever insightful he was.

"Listen Jed, I'll have you know that I don't roll that way," said Zoisite. "Actually," he said with a pause. "I may, but sadly you're just not my type."

"Zoisite," I retorted. "Your wit and attempts at humor brighten the dark, dreary atmosphere of the Negaverse. Never change, young man."

Zoisite was thrown for a loop. For a second, his face flashed an expression of complete bewilderment, but Zoisite was a resilient one. Not after the Moon Wand fiasco, but in a different sense.

"Jadeite," said Zoisite. "Are you feeling alright? You seem a bit more poetic today."

I scoffed lightly. "The life of a flower," I began, speaking the words like I was singing a sad song. "Is short and full of suffering."

"Good one," said Zoisite.

That's when there was a flash of light, and my queen had arrived.

Oh, Queen Beryl. She is my everything. She is my only reason for existence. I live to serve her. And yet…

"Jadeite!" screamed Beryl. "Where's that energy, boy?"

"Um… I…" I stammered.

"Beryl-sama," cajoled Zoisite. "Jadeite's acting very odd today. I think he needs a lesson, my beautiful queen."

"Shut up, Zoisite," said Beryl. "If anyone's getting punished it's you! Where is my Silver Crystal?!"

Zoisite fled without a word.

The structure of our kingdom was fragile yet sturdy, and things remained the same no matter who got what or how our plans turned out.

Beryl is our supreme ruler, and what she says goes. No one has ever questioned it, at least out loud. If one was to question her, they would witness her wrath. There are only rumors about how great her wrath is, but I would imagine she could kill any of the Great Four, even if we were completely without injury. Her physical capabilities are far beyond a regular human, and against Queen Beryl herself we would be like a paper tiger in front of a hurricane.

"Jadeite," said Beryl. "Why aren't you responding to my question? You better not be having some inner monologue! Those are forbidden in my kingdom! When you become an anime MC, then you can have inner monologues, but until then, answer my questions, young one!"

"Ah, sorry my queen," I replied. "What were you asking?"

Beryl sneered. "I was asking," she said. "How many Sailors have you exterminated?"

"Ah," I began. "Let me answer that question with another question. What is it to be alive when your destiny is prewritten? It's debatable whether regular humans have free will, and clearly us Shitennou do not. But I wonder. When I am gone, will I dream? In my dreams, will I have a free will? Or am I incapable now, after all this time?"

"Jadeite," said Beryl. "You're bumming me out, come on."

"Sorry," I spoke. "But my time in your service has reached its completion. It's time to dot my t's and cross my i's, and then write a memoir. Farewell."

"No," said Beryl.

But my feet kept moving, as if I did have some form of freedom, free will if you will.

I did not look back once.

Ah, what lies ahead! My life is a blank canvas now!

There was a blinding light suddenly, increasing in luminosity as it approached me.

"Shoot!" I yelled, mid-monologue.

My world faded to black.

Am I in heaven?

* * *

 _Order of the Silver Rose Court: Book I – The Awakening_

Jadeite was walking up to Queen Beryl's throne room.

"This is a good day!" thought Jed.

But several Shitennou blocked his path.

"It's over," said Kunzite. "You're just not fit for the Great Four."

"Yeah!" said Zoisite. "You're a crybaby and not fit to be our leader!"

"Hey!" said Jadeite. "You're the biggest crybaby I know, skid, and I'm not your leader!"

"We are now the Great Three," said Nephrite. "Go straight to heck, why dontcha?"

"Yahoo!" yelled Kenji. "Let's give him the beatdown and alienate him for no reason!"

"No!" cried Jadeite. "Don't alienate me for no reason!"

"Sorry," said Kunzite. "But it has to be this way, Jeddo."

"Why have you all turned on me?" demanded Jed.

"We have felt this way all along," said Kunzite. "We just never acted like it, but now we are all of the sudden."

Kunzite fired his best attack, sending Jadeite into peril.

"Wait!" said Jadeite. "Let me transform! I'm still in my base form!" he pleaded, sporting a sailor captain costume and tan skin.

"No," said Zoisite. "You don't just not deserve to be our leader, you deserve to die!"

Zoisite fired his critical fire attack, but oddly enough Jadeite wasn't very phased.

That's when Queen Beryl and Metalia showed up, and threw their best attacks at Jadeite.

Queen Beryl shot the attack that killed Zoisite, and Metalia fired a giant beam.

Prince Endymion flew in with his sword, and threw it like a projectile.

"This is the end," thought Jadeite, as his vision faded to black.

Jadeite woke up in the hospital.

"Ah," said Jadeite. "I'm alive. Those fiends didn't even give me a chance to transform back into my true form! How did I survive?"

"Ah," said a young girl, who was in a medieval knight costume. "I am Elis Beauregard, of the Syliphid Knights. We rescued you from near-death at the last second after all your friends abandoned you."

"Good work," said Jed.

"Let me introduce you to the rest of the Syliphid Knights," said Elis.

"It's okay," said Jadeite. "I'm still trying to figure out why everyone turned on me out of the blue, I won't be able to memorize all these new names."

"Ah," said Elis, the captain. "Now this girl, with the long pink hair, is Chiharu. She is our vice leader, and she is a master of close-range attacks. To her left is Manami, the youngest of the team. But don't think because she's young, she's not as good as the rest of us."

Jadeite wrote in his notepad but he didn't write fast enough.

"Manami's sister here is named Chelsea. She is the blue-haired girl, who's a master of illusions."

"Wait, hang on," said Jadeite. "Why does a Japanese girl have a sister with an English name?"

But Elis kept going, as though she was speaking through Jadeite and to a reader of sorts. "Chelsea wouldn't be on the team if it wasn't for Sasha here vouching for her. Sasha has been a member of the Syliphid Knights for a long time. Now over here we have Jenny, who has long blonde hair and is very good at battle strategies. She is a strategist to us, due to her abilities. And now, for Joseph," continued Elis. "Although he is a boy, he's a very valuable asset to the team. If it wasn't for his-"

"SHUT UP!" screamed Jadeite. "What is this?! Why are you introducing so many OC's at once, and why are so many of them American if this story takes place in Japan?!"

"No," said Elis. "This is America now."

"I don't speak English," said Jed. "But seriously, why are there so many OC's? Is this some kind of bad fanfiction that just has one Sailor Moon character, and the rest are OC's? That's not a fanfiction at all, that's just your own story! Go on another site, skiddo! Oh wait, but then no one would read your story. Now I understand."

Elis was floored. She had long blue hair in a ponytail. Her eyes were as brown as the fall leaves, and twice as beautiful.

"NOOO!" said Jadeite. "I don't care about the OC's right now! Maybe if you introduced them slowly and worked them into the story, and one or two at a time at most!"

"Jadeite," said Chelsea. "We rescued you from your evil friends who turned on you. So now you will become a Syliphid Knight."

"No," said Jadeite. "I'm a Shitennou. I can't just become a knight, dummy. If I have to live in a world with this many OC's and where I'm the only thing making this story a Sailor Moon story, then I don't want to live at all. Enjoy getting your story taken down for it not being about a show."

Jadeite took his own life.

"NOOOOOOOO!" cried Jenny, fading from existence.

* * *

 _The Shitennou React to Season One_

"Why did you call us all here, Beryl?" asked Kunzite.

"It's time," said Beryl.

"Shoot," said Jadeite. "Could you please give me a cooler death scene this time? Mine's one of the lamest in the series, next to Mimet."

"No," said Beryl.

"D'ah," said Jadeite.

"No," said Beryl. "As in I'm not going to kill you. I finally got my package in the mail. It's the DVDs for the first season of Sailor Moon!"

"Uh oh," said Kunzite. "Is it Viz dub?"

"No," said Beryl. "I don't have that kind of money. And also Viz SUUUUUUCKS for blocking all the vids on the official Negaverse YouTube channel."

"Those fiends," said Zoisite. "No wonder I didn't know we had a channel."

"Well, what are we waiting for?" said Jadeite, getting giddy. "The first 13 episodes are the best, just so you know! Actually, first 12. They could have been a stand-alone anime, and they were going to be!"

"No," said Nephrite. "The second arc was the true masterpiece for the next five seasons."

"I personally don't like the way I was portrayed in my arc," said Zoisite. "I don't think I had one good moment. They only put me in a goofy light, and the facial expressions did not help my character!"

"Hmm, I think they put you in a goofy light ever since halfway through Nephrite's arc," said Kunzite.

"Quiet," said Zoisite.

"For the record," said Kunzite. "The fourth arc would have been much better if I didn't have to share it with Mamoru Chiba."

"I agree," said Beryl. "It would have been better if it was only Mamoru Chiba."

"Grrrr," said Kunzite.

"Alright, team," said Beryl. "We meet in the lounge in 20 minutes. Be there or be square. Bring a pillow boys!"

"Can I bring a blanket?" asked Jadeite.

"No," said Beryl. "But everyone else can."

They met in the lounge and sat on the sofa.

"Where's Nephrite?" said Kunzite.

"Don't worry," said Zoisite. "Just start it without him."

"Fine," said Nephrite, appearing with an armful. "I guess I'll just keep these snacks all to myself."

"Snacks, please," said Zoisite.

"Give me the Cheetos," said Jed.

"If you get lucky," said Nephrite.

He dished out the snacks, and Jadeite got lucky and got some Cheetos.

"Hey," said Kunzite. "I don't want pretzels."

Nephrite shook his head. "You get what you get, and you don't get upset."

"Nice diddy," said Jed.

Nephrite sat down.

Beryl pressed the play button, and then skipped the opening.

It started off with Beryl sitting there as ominous music played.

"A cool cat's about to enter the fray," whispered Jadeite.

"No," said Nephrite. "I know I didn't appear in this episode."

"We must find the Silver Crystal," said Beryl. "Jadeite, report."

Jadeite applauded his own appearance.

"Mmm," he said. "The star of the show!"

A translator note appeared at the top of the screen, explaining the Dark Kingdom and the Shitennou.

"Hey!" he yelled when it stated that Jadeite was the lowest ranking. "That's never stated explicitly in the show, they shouldn't just jump to conclusions!"

"Actually," said Kunzite. "In the Silver Millennium episode, you were standing in the back with Zoisite, demonstrating that you were in fact the lowest rank."

"No," said Jadeite. "Non-canon. That was just a dream world, the events there could have been totally imagined."

"Wrong," said Beryl. "We were there for that. I remember Jed being in the back. He tried to stand in the front and Metalia herself had to discipline him."

"Quiet," said Nephrite, munching loudly on some Munchos.

Soon Jadeite's plan went under way.

"A flawless plan," commented Jadeite at least three times.

Morga soon dropped.

"Stupid Morga," said Jadeite.

"Hey," said Nephrite. "Let's skip a couple episodes, maybe 10 or 11 or 12."

"No," said Beryl. "No skipping. That's my rule."

"But you skipped the opening," said Zoisite.

"That doesn't count," said Beryl.

They continued into the next episode.

"Ah," said Zoisite. "A Melvin episode. What a great second episode. Almost makes up for it being a Jed episode."

"Shut up," said Jed.

In this episode, Beryl at one point sent a huge mob of Youmas to go look for the Silver Crystal.

"What the heck?!" said Kunzite. "When did this happen!?"

"It's usually overlooked," said Beryl. "But I did in fact cause 3,000,000 deaths that day."

"Did the Youmas ever find the Silver Crystal?" asked Zoisite.

"Shut up," said Beryl.

Next episode was none other than Radio Jed.

"A classic," said Zoisite.

Nephrite was already getting sleepy.

"Wake up, fool," said Jadeite. "Watch this battle."

Jadeite decided to turn up the volume as he faced off against none other than Sailor Moon.

"Wow," said Kunzite. "What a beating. Easily comparable to my fight with Sailor Moon."

Jadeite caught the Moon Tiara with great ease.

"Ha," scoffed Zoisite. "This is Sailor Moon's third day on the job. Not even a big feat."

"Wrong," said Jadeite. "The tiara itself has an unwavering power level throughout the series."

"Hmm," said Nephrite. "I should have blocked the tiara that time it came flying at me. If Jed could do it, I certainly can."

"No," said Zoisite. "You would have got ended if it wasn't for luck."

"No," said Nephrite. "I was clearly ready to block it, which is why I wasn't more distressed. I believe I said 'Drat!' or something minor like that."

"Yeah," said Zoisite. "Drat as in your life was over."

"No one says 'Drat' when their life is over," said Nephrite. "In fact, a regular human had time to step in the way, and it took Sailor Moon a couple seconds to stop the tiara, so I easily had time to catch it or jump out of the way. In fact, the only reason it got close to me was because I was getting distracted."

"Save it for when we watch that episode," said Beryl. "We can't judge now."

"No," said Nephrite. "I was there, I remember it!"

"Why did you hop through that portal just because you started hearing music?" asked Kunzite suddenly.

"Actually," said Jadeite. "I sensed his power level."

"Lies," said Zoisite. "That's obviously not the case. You were scared of Tuxedo Mask's theme."

"No," said Jadeite. "That was my first time hearing it. If anything, I was spooked at where someone had been able to place a boombox."

"Jadeite's so weak he needs portals to get to the Negaverse. I simply fade away while walking," stated Nephrite.

"That was to your house on Earth," said Zoisite.

"Remember that Ninjana episode where I summoned a portal?" said Kunzite.

"Quiet," said Beryl. "Please focus on the episode, you'll all get your time in the spotlight."

"But I hate Ms. Haruna-sensei," said Zoisite. "I'm glad she gets a beating every other episode."

"She's a good source of energy," said Jed.

The next ep was the gym episode.

"I'm confused," said Kunzite. "Sailor Moon had a nice figure."

"Hey!" said Zoisite. "Keep your eyes to yourself, pal! How could you?!"

"Sorry," said Kunzite.

"I have to say," said Nephrite. "That's a nice disguise, Jadeite."

"Thank you, thank you," said Jadeite.

Sometime later in the episode, Jadeite tricked some humans into hopping into obvious Negapods.

"Foolish humans," said Zoisite. "And foolish plan, Jadeite. You couldn't have possibly known the humans would be that stupid."

"I lucked out," said Jed. "This is one of the few episodes I got energy."

"Yes," said Beryl. "We can consider it a half-success."

The screen had Beryl saying the exact same line.

"Typical Beryl," said Zoisite. "Always one to complain."

"Want an eternal beatdown?" asked Beryl.

"Nah," said Zoisite.

Eventually came episode 6, the infamous music episode.

Nephrite fell asleep within the first two minutes.

"Hey, get off me!" said Zoisite.

But that's when Zoisite fell asleep.

Beryl was knocked out cold, and Kunzite's eyes were starting to close.

Jadeite tried to stay awake.

"How can these fools not pay attention to such a good episode?" demanded Jadeite.

But the longer Jadeite tried to watch it, the more he felt drowsy.

"Good night," he said.

The Shitennou regained consciousness shortly after the episode.

They watched a few more eps, and they were soon on episode 11, the amusement park.

They watched as Jadeite's candy house turned to dust, and Jadeite's big ball of energy left him.

Zoisite shook his head. "How do you keep letting your boy slip away? Get a better grip, boy!"

"I don't know," said Jadeite. "I guess I counted my eggs before they hatched. I should always store the energy before it's too late. Maybe even flee with the ball when the Sailors appear. I don't know why I had to hold it. I should have taken it from those incompetent Youmas."

"Hmm," said Zoisite. "Looking at your bad episodes, I wish I had an energy arc. I would have had some great plans, and they would have been great successes."

"No," said Nephrite. "You'd throw a ragefit every time your ball left you, whereas Jadeite was used to failure."

"Hey," said Jadeite, but he said nothing else.

"Jadeite let three Sailor Scouts total be born," commented Kunzite. "He should be blamed for our failures as an organization."

"Shut up, capeboy," said Jadeite. "At least one of my plans was a success."

"Let's not point fingers," said Kunzite.

They arrived at the boat episode, and Nephrite's snacks were long gone.

"Shoot!" he said. "I didn't even manage to have any left for my arc! What a terrible fate!"

"Be quiet," said Beryl. "I want to see how this plays out. Thetis is my precious Youma, I hope nothing happens to her."

"I will go get more snacks," said Nephrite.

"No," said Jadeite. "This is one of my best episodes."

"Love the costume," said Nephrite. "You look good tan."

"Thanks," said Jed. "You should have tried some more outfits."

"Heh," said Nephrite. "I didn't know I could change my skin color and hair color. Imagine the possibilities."

"Hmm," said Zoisite, watching the episode closely since it was new material to him. "Why is this scene of these two human girls fighting monsters so long?"

"They were strong creatures, even in their base," said Jadeite. "I had to send my best forces at them."

"How did you not know they were Sailor Mercury and Mars?" asked Kunzite.

"Shut up," said Jadeite. "I heard about your infamous princess school episode, where you narrowed it down to three girls."

"No," said Kunzite. "My Youma did. She just wasn't able to relay the information in time thanks to Beryl's young pup."

"Don't talk about Endymion-sama like that!" said Beryl.

"What episode is this?" asked Nephrite.

"I think 12," said Beryl.

"OOoooh," said Nephrite. "I'm coming up soon, next episode in fact, even if it's only a cameo."

Jadeite, who was in high spirits for most of the sitting, suddenly got depressed.

"Why do all good things come to an end?" he asked.

That's when Beryl appeared in Jadeite's dark space.

"Hey," said Zoisite. "I think you're drawn a little off, Beryl."

"Yes," said Beryl. "I didn't get much sleep that night."

"Hmm," said Kunzite. "It looks like a totally different character."

"Yes," said Beryl. "This is probably my worst appearance in the whole show. I heard the animators took a break that day, and used a crew of chimps specifically for that scene. I guess you're bound to have some bad moments when you appear that much. If you guys appeared half as much as I did, you'd probably have some bad scenes too."

"Hey," said Nephrite. "Zoisite has a couple bad scenes."

"Wrong," said Zoisite. "Just goofy expressions."

It was episode 13 and Jadeite was glum.

"Cool spotlights," commented Nephrite. "I didn't know you had those, Beryl."

"Yes," said Beryl. "I'm not quite sure who installed them. Maybe it was just some weird Dark Kingdom weather, because I don't think we have a ceiling in my throne room."

"I hate this scene," said Jadeite, clenching his fist.

"Hmm," said Nephrite. "At least Jadeite's at his peak of animation, except for that scene where it zooms out of him."

"Ah," said Beryl. "I look pretty good too. This is definitely one of my best. So much changed from the last episode."

Jadeite appeared as a giant image over the city, and then burnt it down.

"Cool!" said Kunzite. "But sadly it was a bluff. One time I took out a whole city's power."

"Hmm," said Zoisite. "I think I appeared as a big image in Nephrite's house once."

"Yes," said Nephrite. "That's because you and Jadeite both are weak, so you have similar powers."

"Hush," said Zoisite.

It was now time for the airport.

"Nice mud men," said Beryl.

"Thank you, thank you," said Jadeite. But he was still glum.

"The life of a flower," said Jadeite on screen.

"Is short and full of suffering," said Jadeite in the real world.

"Wow," said Kunzite. "Did you prepare that beforehand?"

"Yes," said Jadeite.

Jadeite sent his planes to do his dirty work, but then the planes stopped, and a familiar tune began to play.

"Such character development!" said Jadeite. "I didn't flee from the tune at all!"

Tuxedo and Jadeite began to engage in fierce combat.

"What is this?" said Zoisite. "Where's the fight? You're just spinning around."

"Yes," said Jadeite. "They were saving the animation for the good fight. No one cares about me fighting Tuxedo Mask apparently. The fight was just for power scale."

Jadeite defeated Tuxedo Mask handily, and then rose out of the water like Imperfect Cell from Dragon Ball Z.

"Hey," said Kunzite. "Zoisite, didn't you struggle against that Tuxedo Mask, whereas Jadeite just toppled him pretty easily?"

"Can it, Kunzboy," said Zoisite. "Jadeite may have more brute strength, but he's all brawns and I'm all brains. I had some good fights against Tuxedo, and in fact killed him."

"Hey!" said Beryl. "Don't bring that up! Just thinking about that makes me want to end you!"

"Yikes," said Zoisite, knowing what was to come in later episodes.

That's when Jadeite stood up without a word and left.

"Hey!" called Beryl. "Your episode's not over!"

"That's okay," said Jadeite. "Farewell."

"Wow," said Zoisite. "I can't believe he only came to watch his own episodes. We all watched his, he should watch ours!"

"No," said Beryl. "You just watched his because you're waiting for yours. If your spots were switched, you'd do the same."

"No," said Zoisite. "I'd stick around for Nephrite's end, and Queen Beryl's end."

"No end," said Beryl.

Nephrite's arc began with a grand slam.

"Stupid Zoisite," said Nephrite. "Hogging all my screen time. He should just wait for his own arc, but then again he wouldn't have been intimidating enough to show up as a shadow before he was introduced like me and Kunzite were."

"Hey," said Zoisite. "This should have been my arc!"

"Good thing it wasn't," said Kunzite.

Nephrite spawned a huge hill and mansion out of thin air.

"I can do that too," said Kunzite.

"Thanks," said Nephrite.

"Ah, so that's where he lived," said Beryl. "You'd think I'd know about something so obvious."

"Sadly," said Zoisite. "This arc's going to be a snore, except for the scenes I appear, so just bear through this five episode or so Nephrite-only stretch."

"The best stretch," argued Nephrite.

Maxfield Stanton was portrayed as a great man, from his initial no-handed leap over a fence.

"Even I can do that," said Zoisite.

"Yeah," said Nephrite. "But you can't beat this girl in tennis. She's a prodigy. Actually you probably could because tennis is a girly sport, and you have a girly figure."

"You have a stupid figure!" yelled Zoisite, getting mad. He considered fleeing the room but decided to stick it out because he didn't want to look like Jed.

The arc proceeded with some good Nephrite episodes.

"Man I look good in the spotlight," said Nephrite.

"Very good work you've done so far," said Beryl. "Except you haven't got any energy. But you're following the format from the Negaverse handbook very well."

"Well," said Nephrite. "The universe wasn't created in a day."

Coincidentally, he also said this on screen.

"Rrrrrrr!" said Beryl on screen and in real life.

"Oh boy!" said Nephrite as one of his favorite eps came on. "This is probably one of the best plans in all of season one. It easily beats all of Kunzite's, combined."

"No," said Zoisite. "You just got considerably lucky. There are many schools in Japan. It was random luck that you sent the letters to the right school."

"Nope," said Nephrite. "It's just my genius intuition. Taking Molly's love energy was one of the best energy snatches of the show. Molly single-handedly awoke Metalia with her vast reserves of energy."

"Hmm," said Beryl. "This is a very unorthodox plan. You didn't even have a Youma."

"I had a pseudo-Youma, Leo the Lion that I spawned forth myself," offered Nephrite.

"Yes," said Beryl. "But your plan does not follow the format, and this person wasn't even at the peak of her energy. You broke all laws, and yet!"

That's when Sailor Moon appeared.

"Wait, is that you in the Tuxedo Mask costume?" asked Kunzite.

"Yes," said Nephrite. "Weren't you paying attention?"

"I was," said Kunzite. "But I didn't think you'd do something so out-of-the-box."

"Zoisite dressed up as Sailor Moon," said Nephrite.

"At least I put on a wig," said Zoisite. "You just have your flowing locks falling out of your hat. How is dressing up as Tuxedo even helping your plot? If Sailor Moon showed up she'd recognize it wasn't him in an instant."

"Shut up," said Nephrite, as Sailor Moon showed up and recognized it wasn't him in an instant. "I don't know why I had to dress up as Tuxedo Mask," admitted Nephrite. "But it felt right, and it got me the best energy grab. A plan is only as good as its results, not the steps along the way."

"Words to live by," said Beryl. "If only Jadeite were here."

Nephrite summoned Leo the Lion in one of the coolest sequences yet.

"Not bad," Zoisite had to admit.

"Wow, your pseudo-Youma tanked the tiara, and yet you were spooked by it," said Kunzite.

"First of all," said Nephrite. "We went over this. And second of all, it's actually a reference to Leo the Lion's Greek story, where he cannot be harmed by weapons. That's why my Youma's not even shown being defeated. I could just sick this on Zoisite, and he'd be finished."

"You'd have to get me in a steel cage," said Zoisite.

"Not necessarily," said Nephrite. "You have to sleep at some point."

"Wrong," said Zoisite. "So wrong."

Leo chased the heroic duo into an elevator.

"I did it!" said Nephrite on screen when the elevator dropped. "Yatta!"

"Did you really think you ended them?" said Zoisite. "They could probably survive a drop of an elevator. You should have shot a fire attack at the elevator instead."

"Quiet," said Nephrite. "I didn't come there to fight Sailor Moon. But if I did shoot a fire attack at the elevator, Sailor Moon wouldn't be able to deflect it just by transforming. I heard that was your strongest attack, and you even charged it up with unlimited time."

"Hey," said Zoisite. "I didn't know Sailor Moon was there."

Nephrite shrugged. "Even Tuxedo could have probably tanked that one."

"Hmm," said Zoisite. "Tuxedo doesn't have divine energy, so perhaps not."

At the end of the episode, Zoisite asked Beryl if Nephrite would be punished for not killing the Sailors.

"I love this line," said Beryl, as Beryl proceeded to tell Zoisite off.

"Heh heh heh," laughed Nephrite. "Dumb kid."

Nephrite smirked on screen, and Zoisite made a goofy face.

That's when they reached the infamous beach episode.

"What the hell is this?" said Zoisite. "I think you got some special or something mixed into the middle of the actual show. Does this even take place during the first season?"

"Actually," said Beryl. "This appears to be an actual episode. But that can't be right, because we don't appear once!"

"Please, can we toss it a skip?" said Zoisite. "Just so we can keep moving?"

"I don't know…" said Beryl. "It breaks all my rules…"

That's when the Sailors reached the house with the strange monsters.

"Alright," said Beryl. "I'll let it slide just this once."

Beryl skipped the episode.

"Good work," said Nephrite.

Next ep was none other than the animator girls ep.

"Are those girls gay?" asked Kunzite, as he watched the humans of the week who were given a lot of screen time.

"Probably," said Nephrite. "I don't dwell on my humans of the week."

Nephrite left the anime studio, and none other than Sailor Mercury was on his car.

"Woah!" said Zoisite. "I didn't know you killed Sailor Mercury here!"

"No," said Nephrite. "She wasn't worth my time, so I let her escape with her life."

"Foolish mistake," said Kunzite. "Your mercy is your downfall in the end."

"Hey," said Nephrite. "Not mercy. It's actually crueler to let such a weakling continue living."

This episode was followed by good old Princess D ep.

"Thinking back," said Zoisite. "This episode was kind of silly. Didn't we know about the Rainbow Crystals?"

"I did," said Kunzite. "But no one asked me. I think my first appearance is actually coming up soon!"

"Hmm," said Beryl. "I can't believe we forgot that the Silver Crystal was split. What a waste of time. You would think at one point I would wonder what happened to my Seven Great Youmas, and then remember they were sealed in the pieces of the Crystal."

"That's all non-canon anyway," said Nephrite. "Just for filler."

"Wrong," said Zoisite. "My arc was the most important!"

"No," said Nephrite. "Seven of them were filler."

"You're filler, young boy!" shouted Zoisite. "They could skip you, and go right from Jadeite to me, and it wouldn't make a difference since no new Sailors even join the crew!"

"No," said Nephrite. "At least I was competent enough to stop new Sailors from sprouting."

"Once again," said Zoisite. "Your luck perceives you."

The episode started with Nephrite stealing Zoisite's job.

"Good snatch," said Beryl.

"Like catching a football," said Neph.

"Shut up," said Zoisite. That's when Zoisite remembered what was shown next.

"Could we skip five minutes?" said Zoisite. "I-I didn't know I was being filmed here."

"Wait, keep rolling," said Nephrite. "I don't recall this scene."

The next scene, directly after Nephrite took Zoisite's job, was Zoisite crying on Kunzite's leg like a sad pup.

"There there," said Kunzite on screen. He was ominously shadowed.

"HAHAHAHAHAHA, WHAT?!" laughed Nephrite. "Zoisite, I didn't know you were such a crybaby, young one! I'm sorry I hurt young Zoisite's feelings so much, but sadly you shouldn't go picking fights if you can't handle it emotionally!"

"That one I didn't pick!" cried Zoisite. "WAaaAAAAAAAAAA!"

"Don't cry now," said Nephrite. "I didn't know my words stung you so greatly. I'll have to try to tone it down, and just remember you're a spoiled child who picks fights they can't win."

"I KILL YOU!" screamed Zoisite getting flustered.

"Barely," scoffed Nephrite. "Your luck perceives you."

"Kunzite," said Zoisite. "End Nephrite now."

"Mmmm," said Kunzite. "There there. You don't need to cry."

Zoisite started to cry.

"Do you need a moment?" asked Beryl, pausing the TV with Zoisite still on tears on screen.

"Just keep going," said Zoisite, wiping his eyes.

"Alright," said Beryl. "Just checking on you."

They got to Nephrite dancing with Molly.

"I hate these Molly filler scenes," said Kunzite. "Look at Nephrite just slacking off."

"Hey," said Nephrite. "I didn't just sit around all day while people cried on me."

"Watch it," said Kunz. "Or I will end you one day. Maybe. We'll see what happens."

The episode ended after some dramatic scenes.

"Shoot!" said Nephrite on screen, leaping away after blocking Mars's attack with just his arm.

"Nice shadow," said Beryl.

"See," said Nephrite. "I said 'Shoot' there. If I say the same thing later, that shows I'm not being serious at all about the fight."

"Whatever," said Zoisite. "I'm just counting down eps until mine."

Next ep was the dramatic beginning of Nephrite's two-part end.

"I wish I got a two-part end," said Kunzite. "I just kind of dropped there."

The first notable scene was Beryl raging at Nephrite but unable to do anything.

"Nephrite's going to pay!" said Beryl on screen.

"Queen Beryl's angry!" said a couple background Youmas.

"Wow," said Nephrite. "I didn't know you were that mad. I just forgot to check in a couple days."

"Be quiet," said Beryl.

"But still, what an empty threat," chuckled Nephrite. "If we were to face off, you wouldn't last very long, even with your ball equipped. You got defeated by a heavily injured Tuxedo Mask in one blow."

"No," said Beryl. "He put all his divine energy into his rose, making it a lot more powerful of an attack. You're familiar with the Dragon Ball Z franchise, yes Nephrite?"

"I've watched a couple episodes," lied Nephrite.

"Ah," said Beryl. "Then surely you're familiar with Tien's fight against Second Form Cell. You see, Tien put all his life force into one great attack, the Ki Ko Ho, and it was able to push Second Form Cell back, despite the 15 billion power level gap."

"Firstly," said Nephrite. "The attack didn't faze Second Form Cell, it merely pushed him back. And that was because Tien Shinhan used his full life force. Tuxedo may have used his full life force, but your powers were obviously very close if he was able to drop you, in one hit nonetheless. The lowest power gap could have been a measly half, but you have to remember Tuxedo Mask was severely injured there, so he was much lower than he would have been."

"Shut up," said Beryl. "He still had the Nega-energy I gave him."

"Actually no," said Nephrite. "The light after Sailor Moon healed him signified it leaving him."

"Whatever," said Beryl. "That was just a sloppy ending. I consider the last episode of Sailor Moon non-canon. They just rushed it because they had to start Season 2."

"Yeah, okay," said Nephrite.

"Let's not discuss this again when we get to the ep, alright?" said Beryl. "We're viewing all this for pleasure. If I wanted a debate, I'd go on ComicVine, so then it could be a much more fair debate."

"These Nephrite and Molly scenes are really long," interrupted Kunzite. "This is the majority of the episode. Just Nephrite and Molly."

That's when Zoisite appeared at Nephrite's house.

"Ah," said Nephrite. "Kunzite must have sent you."

"Yes," said Kunzite in real life. "I had to make sure you weren't pulling any funny business, but unfortunately I don't have the time to deal with weaklings myself, so I sent in my messenger Zoisite."

"Hmm," said Nephrite. "Bad choice. Let's see if he's able to keep composure."

"Shut up!" said Zoisite.

"Finding the Silver Crystal is my job!" cried Zoisite on screen, teleporting away in petals.

"Mm," said Nephrite. "I guess Zoisite is very moody, picking fights but fleeing the moment things turn on him."

That's when the scene switched to Zoisite crying again.

"No way," said Nephrite. "This must be some kind of gag!"

"Yeah, to the writers," said Zoisite. "They shouldn't have filmed me during these intimate moments."

"I am so upset," sobbed Zoisite on screen.

"It's okay," said Kunzite. "They make you look pretty cool in the next episode."

"D'aww, thanks," said Zoisite.

That's when Zoisite summoned Yasha.

"Wow," said Nephrite. "So you really did find that Youma just crawling under the rocks."

"It was the best I could find that would be stupid enough to attack you on such short notice, with no plan or preparation," said Zoisite.

"But I thought the plan was to see if I had the crystal?" asked Nephrite. "Why did it attack me?"

Zoisite shrugged. "We found it under the rocks. What do you expect?"

Soon, Maxfield Stanton began dueling Sailor Moon, and couldn't manage to land a killing blow.

"Wow," said Zoisite. "You're having a harder time than Jed against Sailor Moon."

"No," said Nephrite. "I was simply toying with her. You'll see next episode when I get serious."

That's when the Sailors performed a combined maneuver, and Nephrite found himself on the ground.

"Look at this action," said Nephrite. "Great animation."

"Nephrite-sama," said Molly.

"Huh?" said Nephrite in his inner thoughts. "Molly's still here?"

That's when Sailor Moon threw her tiara.

"Shoot!" said Nephrite.

"Alright," said Zoisite. "Pause it, Beryl."

"What do you want?" said Nephrite. "We've been over this."

"I know," said Zoisite. "But look at the look on Nephrite's face. That's a look of pure terror, I tell you! He's on the ground, and pretty much accepting his demise!"

"Wrong," said Nephrite. "There was more than enough time to escape. You can see when I easily fade away while walking that I'm not injured or slowed down in any way, so if a human was able to walk in front of me I clearly had enough time to jump out of the way. I didn't even bother ripping off my Stanton uniform for this fight as I did with my Tuxedo uniform. In fact," said Nephrite. "It's shown that my power's suppressed in this form, as I passed by Mamoru Chiba and Mars and they didn't feel my negative energy. Beryl, push play."

"Tuxedo sensed your energy!" said Zoisite. "He turned around when he passed you!"

"Not really," said Nephrite. "He sensed a strange aura, but barely. If I was suppressed a little less, he would have thrown an attack. In fact I even turned around and sensed him in his base form, and you know that's a suppressed power level of less than 10. It was something not about energy, or else Mars who's the best at sensing would have detected me."

"Actually," said Zoisite. "The cats appear to be the best at sensing negative energy, knowing whenever there was an evil plan going around such as Jadeite's."

"Even then Luna wasn't sure," said Nephrite. "She was in the gym and she was on the boat. And she thought Ami was a Youma."

"She also thought Princess D was the Moon Princess," added Kunzite. "And she had a power level of zero."

"Alright, I don't care anymore," said Beryl. "Let's just keep going. It's clear Nephrite was just distracted by Molly here."

"But Beryl!" said Zoisite. "That can't be!"

Queen Beryl pressed play, and silenced him.

Zoisite crossed his arms, and puffed his cheeks. "Whatever," he said.

Nephrite walked away unscathed at the end of the episode, and the episode ended shortly after.

"It's still debatable," said Zoisite. "In my head-canon, you were on your deathbed."

"Just wait," said Nephrite. "You'll see me at my true power. Actually, not even."

It was the next episode, 24.

Nephrite was mad suddenly, but concealed it.

The episode started with Nephrite seeing scenes of Molly in his head.

"I don't get it," said Kunzite. "Does he like that human girl or something?"

"Shut up," said Nephrite.

That's when he appeared in Molly's bedroom with the Dark Crystal.

"Uh oh," said Kunzite. "Is something intimate going to happen, or is this just going to be a long Nephrite in Molly's bedroom scene?"

"I wish this got a little ecchi, but I'm here on a more serious note," explained Nephrite.

Nephrite scanned Molly with his black crystal.

"Hmm," said Kunzite. "I never thought about it, but I guess you did create the black crystal we used."

"Yeah, bozo," said Nephrite. "They showed me creating it last episode."

"Whatever," said Kunzite. "I always thought Zoisite created it, or maybe Beryl, since they both create big crystals."

"Different kind of crystal," said Zoisite. "Not the magical kind."

Nephrite finished scanning Molly and concluded the Silver Crystal was not inside of Molly.

"Why was it going off if the Silver Crystal's nowhere near her, and in fact was not in existence at that time?" asked Kunzite.

"Who knows," said Nephrite. "That's always been a mystery. I didn't design it to detect love energy."

That's when the screen switched over to Zoisite standing on a building and looking at Molly's house.

"You rat kid!" said Nephrite.

Zoisite was flanked by three plant girls.

"Nephrite is a superb soldier," explained Zoisite.

"Understatement," smirked Nephrite.

"Wrong," lied Zoisite. "Overstatement."

"Did you find those Youmas under a rock too?" asked Nephrite.

"No, they were just stupid ones that thought numbers mattered in a fight against a way stronger opponent," said Zoisite. "They obviously didn't watch the Goku vs Raditz fight."

"Heh, that was a good one," said Nephrite.

"We need a strategy," said Zoisite on screen.

"Wait," said Nephrite. "But you had no strategy."

"Yeah we did," said Zoisite. "We used that human girl as bait!"

"Then what?" said Nephrite. "Your plant scrubs just attacked me and got defeated. I thought the whole thing you were trying to tell them is that they had to be careful."

"It worked in the end," said Zoisite.

"By luck," said Nephrite. "You just happened to catch me distracted, young one."

"No," said Zoisite. "I had everything calculated, even you defeating the plant Youmas and letting them live to not show Molly any brutal sights."

"Yeah, okay," said Nephrite. "Of course you did."

"It's possible," said Zoisite. "Even though it wasn't true. Speaking of luck," he continued. "Now here's some big luck."

Molly called up Sailor Moon, while Nephrite lurked in the shadows.

"Mmm, Usagi," said Nephrite.

"See," said Zoisite. "Pause this again."

Beryl sighed and paused it. "You only get one more pause, kiddo."

"Oh, then do I get three?" said Nephrite. "Can I use all three for a long pause on Zoisite's death? No, I know!" said Nephrite. "I'll use one for when Zoisite's smoking on the floor, and then maybe one or two on Super Beryl's defeat."

"Quiet!" said Beryl. "Or you get no pauses!"

"Alright," said Zoisite, clearing his throat. "This is a very lucky situation," he said. "Nephrite somehow concluded that Usagi could have been Sailor Moon, because Sailor Moon always shows up to save Molly and in fact stopped a tiara for her somehow."

"Also that one time when I was in my Tuxedo disguise, and Sailor Moon came running in yelling, 'Let go of Naru-chan!'" added Nephrite.

"Anyway," said Zoisite. "Sailor Moon saves a lot of people. She only saved Molly like three times."

"Three times within the course of two episodes," scoffed Nephrite. "She doesn't know everyone by name, and isn't on first name/-chan basis with them."

"Well," said Zoisite. "You know Sailor Moon went to a school, so she probably knows the name of all her classmates. It's too much to conclude that the first person Molly calls would be Sailor Moon."

"She was the only one of Molly's friends that I knew," said Nephrite. "Not that much of a longshot."

"It kind of was," said Kunzite. "Considerably lucky, considering that looking back, Molly didn't know who Sailor Moon was, and if she did, on the phone, she would have said 'Nephrite's looking for YOU!'"

"It's about the results," said Nephrite. "Queen Beryl, I had Sailor Moon's identity but Zoisite ruined it."

"Yes," said Beryl. "Kunzite's whole arc was finding who Sailor Moon was."

"But Nephrite probably wouldn't have given it to us anyway," argued Zoisite.

"Anyway," said Beryl. "I never gave Zoisite permission to kill you, Nephrite, so I'm a little peeved."

"You should be more peeved," said Nephrite. "And you should also be peeved about someone killing Jadeite after he found the Sailors' identities. Who killed Jadeite again?"

"Shut up," said Beryl. "I thought he might have been bluffing."

"Well," said Nephrite. "Maybe you shouldn't be so quick to kill people. Except Zoisite. You should have killed him sooner."

"Well," said Beryl. "When a crippled Shitennou arrives on my doorstep after disobedience and/or incompetence, I take the opportunity. I'd be stupid not to, given my power level."

"If you want to talk about stupid," said Nephrite. "Let's go over the revived Mamoru arc, and the 'put him on my side because I love him' arc."

"That was a good arc," said Beryl. "If you were crippled I'd give you an eternal sleep right now!"

Nephrite covered his loud chuckle with a cough.

"Anyway," said Beryl, turning back to Zoisite. "Did you have a point?"

"Yes," said Zoisite. "Nephrite was very lucky here, and he took a longshot and fortunately for him it was a good one. But it wouldn't happen twice. He's just a good gambler, more like a lucky one."

"Alright, thanks for the comment," said Beryl. She pressed play.

"Now observe," said Nephrite. "This is me at 50% power."

Nephrite clocked Sailor Moon a good one.

"What?" said Zoisite. "All I see is you failing to kill Sailor Moon."

"Hmm," said Kuznite. "It seems that her power level surpasses Nephrite."

"Well," said Nephrite. "She AND her goon Tuxedo are completely helpless here. If this fight were to have gone on uninterrupted, they would have met their demise. You can blame Zoisite for that one too, Beryl."

"No," said Beryl. "Zoisite clearly saved Tuxedo Mask's life right there, because he was a goner. I mean the guy lost to Jadeite! Thanks Zoisite."

"No problem," said Zoisite sadly.

"Now THIS is a true beatdown," said Nephrite, as on screen he walked in and saw the flower girls with Molly captive. "This is in fact the best animated brawl in the entire show, all the way up to the fifth Witches 5 fight. But even that didn't have the same charisma."

"Ah, my flower girls," said Zoisite. "They were true champs, surely they'll give Nephrite a hard time!"

But sadly they didn't, and got beaten to oblivion.

"See?" said Nephrite.

"Whatever," said Zoisite. "They're measly Youmas."

"No," said Nephrite. "They're about even with the Sailor Scouts. So if I fought the Sailor Scouts evenly, holding back, I could have defeated them this easily if I fought them seriously. One punch to Sailor Mercury and she'd be down. I didn't even use any energy attacks here."

"Whatever," said Zoisite. "Obviously bias by the writers."

"Nope," said Nephrite. "The writers speak the truth."

"Mmm," said Kunzite. "Zoisite losing to crows is obviously bias. My Zoisite would never lose to crows!"

"Even standstill," muttered Zoisite.

Nephrite left holding Molly in his arms.

"Alright," said Nephrite. "I have to use the restroom. Drank too much soda, ya know?"

"Mmmm!" said Zoisite with a giddy expression. "Are you sure you don't want to stick around for five more minutes?"

"I gotta go now," said Nephrite. "My bladder betrays me!"

He ran off in a sprint.

"Shoot!" said Zoisite. "Come back! It's not fun without you here!"

They sat there quietly for the rest of the episode.

"Excellent strategy, Zoisite," said Kunzite after the episode ended.

"Thanks," said Zoisite.

Nephrite coincidentally returned.

"Hmm," said Zoisite. "You just missed a great scene, by mere seconds. Beryl, toss a rewind!"

"No," said Beryl. "That's like half an episode! We have to move along so we can get to your death eventually."

"Ah!" said Nephrite, sitting down. "The old Zoisite arc, which I probably like even more than my arc, since Zoisite's made a fool of from start to finish! Let's see how he does with my job that he fought so hard for."

"Hey," said Zoisite. "Different job. I didn't know Beryl would get around with awaking Metalia then, who would give me a new job. You would have done awful at getting all those crystals!"

"Wrong," said Nephrite. "Even if I didn't get them, I wouldn't have been a gag character."

On the first Zoisite episode, Zoisite got a powerful slug by base Makoto.

"L M A O!" said Nephrite, after Zoisite fled when the second human arrived. "What a smackdown!"

"Shut up, and stop it with the commentary!" said Zoisite. "I was clearly highly suppressed, and did not take her as a threat. I didn't think humans could have so much potential. And she wasn't even a human in the end, so there!"

"No," said Nephrite. "It's your fault for underestimating an opponent, something I'd never do."

"Actually," said Zoisite. "You underestimated the flower girls by letting them live, and underestimated me when I said I'd destroy you!"

"I didn't know you were trying to destroy me until Yasha," said Nephrite. "And honestly, I thought you'd give up after I defeated her easily. Or that she was just a confused rogue who had nothing to do with you."

The following Zoisite episode was the Boxy episode, and Nephrite started crying when Molly was mourning him.

"I hate that nerd," said Nephrite. "I'm gonna go kill him."

"Wait till after Zoisite dies," recommended Beryl. "You'll have plenty of time during the Kunzite arc, which is the worst one."

"Your fault," said Kunzite.

"Wow," said Kunzite, as the episode progressed and the orange crystal flew up like a rocket ship headed for outside the Solar System. "Why'd that thing fly up like that?!"

"This is what I had to deal with," said Zoisite. "Some kind of PIS (plot-induced stupidity.)"

"Hmm," said Nephrite. "Why couldn't you see where the crystal landed after you started flying?"

"It was tiny," said Zoisite. "Miniature. And it somehow doesn't reflect the sun."

Tuxedo Mask snagged the crystal.

"Yikes," said Zoisite in real life. "I looked a little derpy here."

"Heh heh," said Beryl. "Look at your expression after he took it! That's like me on episode 12!"

"No," said Kunzite. "Zoisite looks slightly better."

"Thanks," said Zoisite.

"Well, I was talking about the animation in those specific scenes," said Kunzite. "Beryl is sure a looker."

"Hey!" said Zoisite.

Kunzite shrugged.

Next began the ol' Gregger episode.

"Hey," said Nephrite. "Why'd you flee from Sailor Moon?"

"I didn't flee," said Zoisite. "I just didn't have time to fool around."

"Yeah right," chuckled Nephrite. "There was quite a bit of time that passed until you finally fled."

"I didn't flee," repeated Zoisite. "Right, Kunzite?"

"He didn't flee," said Kunzite.

"It looks like he fled," said Beryl.

"Why would he flee?" continued Nephrite. "I easily defeated Sailor Moon twice."

"Wrong," said Zoisite getting heated. "You didn't even land a scratch."

"Hey, if you want to see someone not land a scratch," said Beryl. "You should watch when Zoisite fights the Moon Princess in a 1v1."

"Woah, when does this happen?!" said Nephrite, getting giddy.

Zoisite sighed sadly. "My arc is just a downward spiral of misery, ending with my demise."

The boring episode continued.

"Hmm," continued Nephrite. "Even Jadeite wasn't scared of fighting Sailor Moon."

"She was new to the game then," said Zoisite. "I could have easily taken Sailor Moon, at any time, but time wasted is a waste of time!"

"Hmm," Nephrite went on. "I don't think Zoisite's had a single good scene this arc."

"Shut up and watch!" yelled Zoisite. "I was successful most of the time!"

"Your success rate is one so far," said Beryl. "I think you lose a crystal to the Sailors this episode."

"Actually," said Kunzite. "Zoisite got all seven in the end, so I don't see why that matters."

"Yes," said Beryl. "But then you lost all seven in the end, because you were too dazed to stop them from forming the Silver Crystal."

"Sorry," said Kunzite. "I forgot that I could put up bubbles at the moment. I was too distracted by my big plans."

"What big plans?" demanded Beryl. "Slippery guy."

"Why is Sailor Mercury just standing there when Zoisite takes the crystal?" asked Nephrite.

"Who knows?" said Zoisite. "Now there's a Sailor I can beat!"

That's when the unexpected happened, throwing even Nephrite off-guard who thought he had seen everything. Bunbo used tackle on Zoisite, and Zoisite threw the crystal into Ami's hands.

Nephrite started chuckling, but it quickly turned into a loud guffaw.

"Aha!" laughed Nephrite. "AHAHAHAHAA!"

He kept it up for the entire episode, ruining the experience even for Beryl who hadn't seen it.

"That's enough," said Kunzite. "We all made our mistakes."

"Alright," said Nephrite, calming down.

The next episode was a snoozer, focusing highly on young Yumemi Yumeno.

Nephrite watched it half-heartedly, hoping Zoisite would do something foolish but for once he didn't.

Nephrite was in fact angry he didn't get in one good chuckle.

"Where are you taking that pretty monster?" asked Kunzite.

"Well," began Zoisite. "I was taking her to the Negaverse."

"Why didn't you just create a portal?" asked Nephrite. "Jadeite created like two."

"No one can hop through another man's portal," said Zoisite. "So I was taking her to the portal that the Sailors found at the end."

"I made a portal for Sailor Moon to walk into a pit full of sharks in the Ninjana episode," said Kunzite. "But that feisty Ninjano strangled her before she could leap in."

"Hey, sounds like a good plan anyway," said Zoisite. "Hey wait a minute, what'd you say about that Youma?!"

Kunzite got ready with a flower, but it was not needed.

"Good work almost killing Tuxedo," said Kunzite. "He was as good as dead there, thanks to your trickery!"

"Bad work," said Beryl. "How could you?!"

Next episode was the infamous Motoki episode, well-renowned for its Motoki vs. The Beam scene.

Once again Nephrite was struggling to find a chuckle, but finally got one when Kunzite commented on a Youma being pretty, and Zoisite getting flustered.

"Gay drama," said Nephrite. "Zoisite is insecure."

"No," said Zoisite.

"Here comes a good fight scene," said Kunzite, who had this scene saved on his desktop.

Everyone watched as Motoki got swept away after trying to throw a punch by the Great Beam itself.

"Good fight," admitted Nephrite. "Your beam really taught that young man a lesson about going wild and throwing punches."

"And I thought Motoki was a nice guy," said Beryl. "But clearly he's just a wild man."

Nephrite got in a good and loud snicker when Zoisite got hit in the hand and dropped the crystal.

"Hey," said Zoisite. "Are you a Tuxedo Mask fanboy?"

"I have no personal beef," said Nephrite. "I only met him like twice, and I think both times I really gave him the what-for."

"Ah, nice fake out!" said Kunzite at the end. "Another crystal for the Negaverse!"

"What's the tally?" asked Nephrite to Beryl.

"Count yourself, kid," said Beryl.

"Heh," said Nephrite. "I hope after all this work the Silver Crystal isn't formed by the enemy."

"Can it," said Kunzite. "Young one."

The following episode, Nephrite got several laughs.

The first was when Zoisite was pushed back by old Grandpa.

"Woah!" commentated Nephrite. "What a mighty old man! Zoisite's met his match!"

"Wrong," said Zoisite. "I will be back."

Then Nephrite laughed when Zoisite had to flee to crows.

"Woah!" repeated Nephrite. "Who knew they'd call in the army?! Zoisite couldn't have seen that one coming!"

Nephrite waited eagerly for their second encounter, but was disappointed to see that the crows were MIA that fight.

"See?" said Zoisite. "I was just toying with him. He used all his divine energy and I only had to use one hand casually to overwhelm him."

"Mmm," said Nephrite. "You had to use a petal attack against the old-timer, way more work than you should have had to put in."

"Is my whole arc just going to be everyone calling me weak?" demanded Zoisite.

"Well," said Beryl, stifling a laugh. "You did get beat by crows. Even I can beat crows."

"Those weren't your average crows," said Zoisite. "They're actually Sailor Scouts in the manga!"

"Manga Shmanga," said Beryl. "The manga is non-canon."

"Kunzite, help me," said Zoisite.

"The manga is non-canon," commented Kunzite.

Zoisite sighed. "Bonehead," he said.

"Egghead," replied Nephrite warm-heartedly.

Nephrite stated laughing again when Tuxedo Mask showed his face.

"INTERCEPTION at the five yard line!" he yelled.

"Shut up," said Zoisite. "I still get away with the crystal, just like last time."

"Whatever," said Nephrite. "I know how this ends."

The next episode, Nephrite lost control again during the whole rats incident from start to finish.

"Hey!" said Zoisite. "It's obviously supposed to be comedic, as shown by the rats moving like a tidal wave!"

"Yeah," said Nephrite. "That's why I'm laughing. What are you getting so riled for, little one?"

"Don't call me that!" screamed Zoisite.

Nephrite finally finished laughing, but he started back up the engine when Tuxedo Mask appeared, and Zoisite was crippled on the ground while Tuxedo Mask took off running.

"Oooooh!" said Nephrite, wiping the tears. "After all that, Tuxedo Boy still pulled off a snatch?"

Nephrite started laughing again, and starting "Rofling," AKA rolling on the floor laughing.

"Alright," said Zoisite. "It's really not that funny."

"Heh," said Beryl. "Kind of funny. Too bad Jadeite missed this, he would have loved it. I will save this scene for him and show him some other time."

Nephrite continued laughing all the way into the Tuxedo Melvin episode.

"Now we know you're just doing it to be obnoxious," said Kunzite, when Nephrite started getting louder and louder.

"No," said Nephrite. "Hey, why's Melvin dressed as Tuxedo Mask? First he tries to steal my girl, and now he's trying to steal my costume!?"

"Actually," said Beryl. "It's Tuxedo Mask's costume, and you are not fit to wear it."

"I'm looking forward to episode 46," shrugged Nephrite.

"Aye!" said Beryl.

That's when Nephrite caught a great scene of Zoisite fleeing from Tuxedo Melvin.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" yelled Nephrite in pure ecstasy.

He dropped back to the floor.

"Alright," said Kunzite. "Just turn up the TV."

But Nephrite kept screaming at the top of his lungs.

"Mmm, too bad," said Zoisite. "You're missing that nerd get a big beatdown!"

"Ooh, really?" asked Nephrite, hopping back on the sofa. "Did I miss any funny Zoisite scenes?" he asked.

"Yes," said Beryl. "But it's too late now."

"Really?" said Nephrite. "What happened?"

"Actually, you missed quite a few," said Kunzite. "First there was Zoisite riding on a merry-go-round and missing Molly with his beam-"

"Wait," said Nephrite. "Why'd you attack Molly?"

"Are you not even watching the plot?" said Zoisite. "These are some good plans! I do in fact get the crystal!"

"And," said Beryl. "You missed Zoisite getting jealous over me because Kunzite wanted to see me smile!"

"OOOH!" said Nephrite. "Can we rewind it?!"

"Maybe after," said Beryl. "I do enjoy some compliments being thrown my way."

"Grrr," said Zoisite biting his thumb. "This isn't fair!"

That's when Tuxedo Mask hit Zoisite on the hand.

"Hehehe," said Nephrite.

The episode ended with a win for Zoisite.

"And that is a good place to take a break!" said Zoisite, knowing what episode was next.

He fled at a high sprint.

"Hey wait!" said Kunzite. "This is the one with our great plan! Why'd you leave?"

But Zoisite kept running.

"Hmm," said Nephrite. "Why would he flee before this episode? It can't possibly be worse than the others."

But that's when a miscolored Sailor Moon appeared.

"Hey," said Nephrite. "Who is that? Is that a new Sailor?"

There were a couple more scenes.

"Wait!" said Nephrite. "Wait, wait, wait! Is that-"

"Yes," said Kunzite. "I thought he looked good."

"Ahahahahaha," laughed Nephrite, a little more calm after seeing so many joke scenes. "Impersonating the good guys, stealing my plan once again!"

That's when Zoisite threw a crystal, trying to kill some humans on a pulley.

"Ah!" said Nephrite. "It is Zoisite! Wow!"

"And," said Beryl. "There's more funny scenes to come! I remember this vividly because I watched most of it through Zoisite's eyes."

Nephrite leaned in to the TV.

"Hmm," said Kunzite. "This was actually my most successful plan, and one of my coolest scenes."

"Hey dumbo," said Nephrite. "Look, the Sailors are transforming right there! Couldn't you feel their energy or something? Didn't you plan on them coming, so wouldn't you have been looking for them?"

"More PIS," said Kunzite. "This episode is one of the most PISy episodes in the show. The plan was flawless."

"Wow," said Beryl as the episode progressed. "How could my brilliant Mamo-chan fall for such a foolish trick? He shouldn't have been trying to save that pest Sailor Moon anyway!"

"Say," said Nephrite. "Kunzite, why are you keeping the Sailors alive for so long?"

"PIS," said Kunzite. "And also I'm cocky, and I wanted to savor the moment."

"Sad," said Nephrite.

The remaining Shitennou watched Zoisite and Tuxedo Mask duel.

"Wow," said Nephrite. "And Tuxedo is injured and can't use one arm. Jadeite defeated Tuxedo Mask at 100% power, the same exact form that fought Galaxia."

"Sad," said Beryl.

"But look at Zoisite's crystal light up," said Kunzite. "That's him releasing his divine energy into the crystal, the same kind of divine energy that Tuxedo Mask put in his rose that killed Beryl."

"Not killed!" said Beryl.

"See," said Nephrite. "This is what I don't understand. If we can control energy, why don't we just put it inside Metalia?"

"Not the same kind," said Beryl.

"There are different kinds?" asked Nephrite.

"Probably," said Beryl.

That's when Zoisite was hit in the hands with a Crescent Beam, and real blood was shown.

"Wow!" said Nephrite. "Every time you don't expect it, Zoisite gets a beating!"

"Well, you can't blame him for getting hit by an attack like that…" said Kunzite, knowing what was coming next.

"WOAH!" said Nephrite. "Kunzite too?! What is this, some kind of smackdown jamboree?"

"She caught me off guard," said Kunzite.

"Ah, do I believe my eyes?" asked Nephrite. "Zoisite's actually going to fight all the Sailors? Just when I thought he fled all battles. This is gonna be good!"

But that's when Beryl pulled Zoisite out of there.

"Hey!" said Nephrite. "Why'd you do that?"

"Because," said Beryl. "I couldn't let them die there. Then no one could carry out my plans, and I'd have to do everything myself."

"Sad," said Nephrite. "I would have told Zoisite to stay and Kunzite to leave."

"I should have, knowing the events that transpire after," said Beryl.

It was the next episode, and Zoisite peaked his head in to see himself in Mamoru's TV on the TV.

Zoisite closed the door and left, waiting in the hall for when he could come back.

"Is Zoisite really going to duel Tuxedo?" asked Nephrite.

"He better not," said Beryl.

"I agree," said Nephrite. "Even though Tuxedo is injured, he could probably pull a win, judging by how their last fight went."

"No," argued Kunzite. "Divine energy."

It was finally time for the duel, and Zoisite pulled in Sailor Moon along with Mamoru Chiba.

"Why did Zoisite pull in Sailor Moon?" asked Nephrite.

"We did not know it was Sailor Moon," said Kunzite.

"Yeah, but how do you not know after?" said Nephrite. "Why was no one looking in the elevator? Why didn't you realize the girl left, and Sailor Moon appeared?"

"Look," said Kunzite. "You had your chance, now this was ours."

"Yeah," said Nephrite. "I figured out her identity. If I had as many chances as you, I would have surely figured it out!"

"We figured out Tuxedo Mask's identity," said Kunzite.

"Yeah but no one cares about him," scoffed Nephrite.

"WRONG!" said Beryl. "SO WRONG YOU ARE!"

Kunzite appeared at the duel.

"Hey," said Nephrite. "Where's the fair fight? Zoisite = coward!"

Kunzite grabbed the crystals, and base Tuxedo Mask threw a rose, missing Kunzite but hitting Zoisite.

"HAahahah!" laughed Nephrite. "Right in the face! Ouch!"

"Come on now," said Kunzite. "I thought you got all your laughs out?"

"No," said Nephrite. "See, this is what I'm talking about. They just had Zoisite get hit for absolutely no reason, right after a success where Kunzite grabbed the crystals. The writers hate Zoisite, and with good reasons."

"No," said Kunzite.

That's when Zoisite starting revving up a fire attack, that was to be deflected by Sailor Moon.

"Oh boy, oh no," said Beryl. "I hate the part that's coming up. I don't know if I'll be able to watch it."

"Ha!" laughed Zoisite on screen. "I'll tell Beryl it was an accident!"

"I was watching when he said this," commentated Beryl. "It riled me up. But I'm about to get more riled."

That's when Zoisite killed Tuxedo Mask.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Beryl, throwing herself down in front of the TV.

"Hmm," said Kunzite. "Excellent form, Zoisite," he commented. "If only Tuxedo didn't happen to be Beryl's ex-boyfriend, we would have had it all."

Beryl was sobbing. "That bastard!"

It was the next episode, and it started off with Zoisite getting the worst beating of his life.

"OOH! OOH!" cried Beryl. "Nephrite, watch this! This is where he duels the Moon Princess!"

"Hot diggity dog!" said Nephrite, getting on the edge of his seat. "I wonder how this could possibly play out!"

Zoisite was defeated soundly, and Nephrite and Beryl let out a chuckle.

"I hate Zoisite," said Beryl.

"I agree," said Nephrite. "Hey," he then said. "Let's go over how Kunzite let the crystals get away."

"No thanks," said Kunzite. "I was distracted. That's all."

"Distracted with what?" asked Nephrite.

"Hold on," said Beryl. "Another good scene's coming up!"

Kunzite stood up to leave.

"Not a chance," said Beryl, shaking her head.

Kunzite sat back down, and crossed his arms.

Zoisite was ended by Beryl, and Kunzite's face mirrored his face on-screen.

Nephrite had a goofy smirk, like that time Molly went to grab him the Silver Crystal.

"Go clean that up," said Beryl on screen.

"Oooh, burn!" said Nephrite.

Kunzite's face was very sad.

"Why didn't you attack Beryl?" asked Nephrite. "Then my two least favorite characters would have died in one ep!"

"Sorry," said Kunzite. "I was too taken aback."

Beryl had a chit-chat with Metalia, and then it was Zoisite's death scene.

"This is a sad one," warned Kunzite.

"I asked Queen Beryl to revive you," said Kunzite on screen.

"Haha," said Nephrite. "Good attempt."

"I said no, and with a laugh," said Beryl.

It was a sad scene, but Kunzite couldn't find himself to cry.

"I am sad," he stated. "I'm just not very good at expressing human emotions."

"Kunzite is a robot," said Nephrite.

"Wrong," said Kunzite.

"Hahahahahah, RIP Zoisite," said Beryl. "That's what he gets!"

"3/10," Nephrite rated the death scene.

"This was supposed to be fun," said Kunzite. "Sadly all the good people left and now it's just Nephrite and Beryl being salty. And I still have a whole arc to go!"

Kunzite battled the Sailors, and it was a huge curbstomp.

"Good fight," said Nephrite. "Too bad you never avenged Zoisite."

"Shut up!" said Kunzite, starting to get heated for the first time in his life. "The only thing worse would be if Endymion was watching."

"I wish he was," said Beryl sadly. "I invited him."

At the end of the episode, Zoisite quietly slipped in the room.

"What'd I miss?" he asked.

"You know what you missed," said Beryl.

Zoisite hung his head.

"Ah, it's Kunzite's arc!" said Zoisite. "This one is a good one for sure!"

"Wrong," said Nephrite, and unfortunately Kunzite was at success's doorstep the whole arc, but couldn't ring the doorbell.

"That pest Endymion!" yelled Zoisite. "Beryl, don't you see him sabotaging!?"

"Sorry," said Beryl. "Love is blind."

Endymion taught Sailor Moon how to ice-skate.

"Poor Kunzite," said Zoisite sadly.

"Hey, are you trying to freeze my boy here?" asked Beryl.

"No," said Kunzite, even though he on screen said something along the lines of turning everyone into ice pops.

"Hmm," said Beryl. "I'll let your attempt at Endy's life slide because I cannot defeat you. But if I see another one of those!"

It was the swamp face episode.

"Skip?" asked Nephrite.

"Sorry," said Beryl. "I have to keep a close eye on Kunzite, and make sure he does not try to sabotage Endymion!"

Beryl watched Mamoru Chiba (base) fight swamp face.

"Hang in there!" she said.

That's when Kunzite appeared and laughed at him, and then fled.

"Hey!" said Beryl. "Why aren't you helping him fight his own monster?! He's in his base form, he could have died!"

"Sorry," said Kunzite.

"Don't apologize!" said Zoisite angrily.

"Well I was more sarcastic than anything," said Kunzite.

"Want an eternal sleep?" asked Beryl.

"No," humored Kunzite, knowing she couldn't lay a scratch on him.

"Good," said Beryl.

Soon came the ep where Endymion fiddled around with the Black Crystal.

"Wow," said Nephrite. "Why are you even still hanging onto that? I whipped that up in like a minute, it was only a fraction of my power."

"It was true craftsmanship," admitted Beryl. "Without it we would have been finished."

"Thanks," said Nephrite.

"You're healing Endymion again?!" demanded Zoisite, a bit later.

"Hey!" said Nephrite. "Is that where all my energy went? Is that why you were so weak at the final fight that you could only throw a crystal?"

"Shut up," said Beryl. "It was a good use."

"What would you do if they kept healing Endymion?" asked Kunzite.

"Fortunately, the second brainwash was the best brainwash, and Sailor Moon's Silver Crystal did not work!"

"Then how'd he get healed?" asked Zoisite.

"PIS," said Beryl angrily. "I had that one in the bag with all that gym and Molly energy I gave that boy."

It was nearing the end, and it was none other than the Ninjano episode.

"Say," said Zoisite. "You think Ninjano could beat Jed?"

"Sadly, no," said Beryl. "Her feats just aren't good enough. Only two Sailor Scouts fought her, and all four of her clones were defeated by Mars' fire."

"Yes," said Kunzite. "They wasted two of their attacks on me. Wasteful."

"Hmm," thought Nephrite. "If Ninjano was watching the Sailors fight, and they couldn't detect her, why didn't she follow one of the Sailors home?"

"Youmas are not the brightest," said Kunzite. "Remember the princess school one? They had it narrowed down to three people, she could have just told me who they were before she got confused and then dropped!"

It was episode 44.

"What happens in this one?" asked Zoisite.

"Shut up," said Kunzite.

Halfway through the flashback, Jadeite strolled in.

"WELCOME BACK!" said Nephrite angrily. "And where have you been?"

"Ah," said Jadeite. "I fell asleep on the toilet," he lied.

"No," said Zoisite. "I checked by the bathroom while I was uh… taking a break… and I heard you playing Angry Birds!"

"Shut up," said Jadeite. "Snitchboy."

Jadeite sat back down. "What episode is this?" he said.

"44," said Nephrite.

"Oooh!" said Jadeite." I think I make an appearance in this one!"

"Yeah," said Zoisite. "In the far background."

"Only slightly behind you," said Jadeite. "And as I said earlier, that was improperly shown since it was an alternate dimension."

"Heh, look at my scythe," said Nephrite when the aforementioned scene came on. "So cool."

"Hey, what's Beryl doing?" said Zoisite. "Wasn't she supposed to take out Queen Serenity?"

"Ah!" said Jadeite. "That's where Beryl was! All she seems to be doing is shooting a disco light to make us look cooler! Thanks Beryl!"

"No," said Beryl. "I was destroying the Moon Kingdom walls!"

That's when Beryl took this time to confess her love to Endymion, but was promptly rejected, and in fact Endymion actually roasted her.

"Oooh!" said Zoisite. "I think I hate him less than Beryl now! Slam dunk!"

"Shut up," said Beryl. "As Jadeite said. This was just an alternate dimension or whatever. It never actually happened."

"I'm not quite sure how PU's (parallel universes) work," said Kunzite. "I was just speaking nonsense to spook them into handing over the Silver Crystal."

Soon after, Metalia was killed in one blow despite being in 100% by Queen Serenity.

The Shitennou were torn to shreds, and Beryl was disintegrated while yelling "Metalia-sama! Metalia-sama!" and then burning out like a broken cassette.

"Nice," said Zoisite. "Like a broken record."

"Hmm," said Jadeite. "If the Silver Crystal defeated Metalia that easily, how did we expect to win once they had the Silver Crystal?"

"Well," said Beryl. "We hoped the princess wouldn't know how to use it, but sadly she knew how to use it just enough."

"D'ah," said Jeddo.

The Sailor Scouts returned to see Kunzite beating up their cats.

"Nice," said Jed. "Hey, when did they get a white cat?"

"Many episodes ago," said Nephrite. "Absent boy."

"Hey!" screamed Beryl. "What is this?!"

She paused the show.

"What?" said Kunzite.

On screen, the subtitle read, "Hand over the Silver Crystal and I'll gladly give you Tuxedo Mask back!"

"What is this?!" repeated Beryl.

"Umm…" said Kunzite. "It was totally just a fakeout! I was gonna take the crystal and teleport away!"

"No," said Beryl. "Sounds like you were tryna do some sneaky under-the-table trade, that I didn't agree to!"

"Well," said Kunzite. "If it actually worked, wouldn't it be better to have the Silver Crystal than that saboteur Endymion?"

"No," said Beryl.

"I think Beryl has a crush on this Endymion guy or something. What ever became of that guy I defeated, Tuxedo Mask?" asked Jed.

"No one tell him," said Nephrite. "He shouldn't have taken off."

"Sorry," said Beryl. "I'm not pressing play until Kunzite explains this."

"Hmm," said Kunzite. "Worst case scenario we'd give Endymion over, and once Metalia takes over the world, we get Endymion back."

"No," said Beryl. "Metalia's going to destroy the world, and we're included! She's just a manipulative pest, and I knew she was playing me like a puppet but I wanted to spend my last moments with Endymion finally professing his love."

"Sad," chuckled Zoisite.

Beryl took out her ball but then put it back.

"Too many strong fighters in here," she decided.

Beryl pressed play.

"Nice boomerangs," said Nephrite. "I can probably do that too."

"Heh," said Kunzite.

Kunzite got defeated.

Zoisite burst into tears. "NOOOOOOOOO! KUNZITE!"

"Heh," said Nephrite. "Defeated by your own gimmick, just like Jed."

"Yes," admitted Kunzite. "PIS. Whenever a good fighter decides to use a gimmick instead of blitzing the inferior fighters, you know it will be their downfall."

It was the last two episodes, and Beryl was steamed knowing the spotlight of failure would finally be on her.

"It's okay," said Jadeite. "At least you get to watch the Sailors die."

The Shitennou watched the Sailors die in good spirits.

"Good riddance," said Zoisite. "But even better riddance is gonna happen next episode!"

"Yeah!" said Beryl, from her optimism, thinking for a second that she was going to win. "Oh," said Beryl. "Hey, shut up."

And thus, it was the final episode, and Beryl decided it would be best to just put her head in her knees.

"LOL!" said Zoisite. "She got hit by a single Endymion rose and completely dropped!"

"HAhahahah," said Nephrite.

"Heh," said Jadeite.

"Hey," said Kunzite. "There was divine energy. It was no ordinary rose."

"Whatever," said Zoisite. "She still dropped."

Beryl fused with Metalia, and she began the final battle with Sailor Moon.

It looked like Super Beryl actually had the upper-hand, until the Sailor Moon theme started playing.

"This can't be good," said Jadeite. "They wouldn't play the theme just to have Sailor Moon lose."

"In a good show they would," said Beryl. "It would have been a crazy plot twist."

The Sailors' ghosts came back to help.

"Yikes," said Zoisite.

"Hmm," thought Nephrite out loud. "Why would Metalia do something stupid like fuse with a weak being like Beryl? Sailor Moon would have never found her, because I don't even think she knew about Metalia. Then Metalia could just wait another 1000 years and bring us back like the first time."

"Metalia was impatient," said Beryl. "So was I. I waited so LOOOONG for that, and put all my eggs in one basket with no back-up plan."

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Super Beryl as she lost the beam struggle.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Beryl. "NOOOOOO!"

The credits started to play, as they showed scenes similar to the first episode.

"Good show," said Jadeite.

"SHUT UP!" said Beryl. "You weren't even here for all of it!"

"Yeah," said Jadeite. "I had a long bathroom break."

"Well," said Nephrite. "It was nice to see the parts I wasn't there for."

"Ha," said Zoisite. "Because you were dead."

"Watch it," said Nephrite. "I could just bring up any of your scenes and make you look like a fool."

"Grrrr," said Zoisite. "I wish we didn't watch this. But it was nice to see Beryl get her kerfluffins!"

"Hmm," said Kunzite. "What a waste of 17 hours."

Kunzite left.

Zoisite left.

Nephrite chuckled some more but then eventually left.

Jed left.

Beryl stayed there and wept.

FIN

* * *

 _The Master Plan_

"Zoisite," began Beryl, mid-way through the Rainbow Crystal arc. "You've lost two crystals to the Sailors/Tuxedo."

"Queen Beryl-sama," said Zoisite. "I can explain."

"No need," said Beryl. "These Sailors have become too big of a nuisance. I want you to exterminate them."

"Me?" asked Zoisite, looking behind him.

"Yes, you," said Queen Beryl. "Might I remind you that useless minions can be tossed aside?"

"Hey," said Zoisite. "Don't go all Jadeite on me. I got one crystal, which is easily equivalent to how much energy Jed got!"

"How dare you talk back to me!" yelled Beryl.

Zoisite shook in his place. "Sorry, Queen Beryl-sama," was all he could muster.

He tossed a bow, and quickly fled with his life.

He panted for air outside the throne room doors.

"Yikes, how did this happen to me so fast?" he wondered. "Getting Nephrite's job was a mistake. I should have just let the guy keep it."

Zoisite teleported to Kunzite-sama to ask him for advice.

"Kunzite-sama!" said Zoisite.

"Ah, Zoisite," said Kunzite. "What's wrong?"

"It's Queen Beryl-sama," explained Zoisite. "She wants me to kill the Sailor Scouts. I need your help."

"Sorry," said Kunzite. "She will know if I kill them for you. Queen Beryl sees all. You need to do this on your own."

"Grrrrr," said Zoisite, biting his thumb. "But Kunzite-sama! You know my power level!"

"You must use strategy," recommended Kunzite. "It's your strong suit."

"That is true…" said Zoisite.

Kunzite tossed him a pat on the head like one would give to a youngling.

Zoisite had a goofy expression, as typical for all Zoisite/Kunzite scenes.

"I'll try my best for you, Kunzite-sama," promised Zoisite.

"Good boy," said Kunzite.

Zoisite teleported away with a new goofy-faced determination.

"How will I go about this?" he pondered, pacing around Nephrite's soda machine which was sadly deserted after the incident.

Finally he got a plan.

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Sailor Moon got a notification on her communicator.

"Big trouble," it said.

"Alright guys," she said at the temple gathering. "There's a Youma raiding the streets of Tokyo. Let's go give it the what-for!"

Sailor Moon and the Sailor Senshi arrived on the scene.

"Hey big boy," said Rei. "Ready to eat my fiery dust?"

Sailor Moon got in her battle stance, but that's when the red circles in her buns started lightning up.

"Oh no," said Sailor Moon. "It's another distress signal."

"Two Youma attacks at once?!" said Rei. "Me and Mercury will handle this beast here. You and Jupiter have to go take out this other creature."

"Alright," said Usagi. "We'll be back as soon as we can, so hold out!"

Sailor Moon and Jupiter took off.

"I hope we can handle this," said Mercury, turning on her scouter.

Mars threw fire, stunning the simple beast.

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Sailor Moon and Sailor Jupiter ran down the street, and arrived to see a Youma wreaking havoc in a highly crowded area.

"Let's make this quick," said Sailor Moon.

"Right!" said Jupiter.

Jupiter shot lightning, but the beast tanked it.

Sailor Moon readied her tiara, but that's when she heard another distress signal.

"Uh oh!" she said.

"Three Youmas at once?!" said Jupiter. "That's unheard of!"

"What should I do?" said Sailor Moon.

"Don't worry," said Jupiter. "I got fang face over here. I can easily solo a Youma, I picked one up in my base!"

"A-are you sure?" asked Sailor Moon.

"Yes," said Jupiter. "Go."

Sailor Moon nodded, and then took off.

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Meanwhile, Rei and Ami were keeping a beast at bay.

"Don't worry," said Rei. "We just have to hold out a little bit longer. Sailor Moon should be done with that thing soon."

"No can do," said Sailor Moon, who was talking through Ami's scouter. "Another monster showed up."

"What!?" said Mars. "You're kidding."

"No," said Sailor Moon.

"This is bad," said Mercury.

"Mercury," said Mars. "Have you calculated the monster's weak spot yet?"

"I'm trying," said Mercury, pointing her scouter back at the monster.

But that's when the scouter picked up another power level off in the distance, on approximately the 40th floor of an office building.

It was no doubt three men trying to hold off a Youma.

"I gotta go," said Mercury.

"You what?!" screamed Rei. "This isn't the time to study!"

"No," said Ami. "There's another Youma. Be strong, Rei!"

"AHHHH!" screamed Mars.

She took out ten slips of paper and got serious.

She started to hand them out like brochures, but the monster was a mighty one.

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Tuxedo Mask battled an entirely different Youma with his cane, atop a high building.

He quickly dealt with it, but one took its place

"Nooooo!" he said. "What is this?! Where are the Sailors?"

This was a more mighty Youma, and managed to get Tuxedo locked in a heated standstill.

Tuxedo swung his stick, but it was to no avail.

That's when he heard a high shriek, like a young child in peril.

He looked down from the building to see a Youma running lose in Juuban Square.

"Uh oh," said Tuxedo.

He considered jumping down to help, but his current Youma got him in a full nelson.

In the nelson, Mamoru managed to pull out his phone.

"Motoki!" he exclaimed when his good pal picked up. "There's a monster in the streets a few blocks from Crown Arcade. You need to stop it!"

"Me?!" said Motoki. "I'm just a simple arcade worker. Why don't you save them?"

"I can't," said Mamoru Chiba. "I'm fighting a different beast, and he's currently got me on the ground. Ouch! Please do this, old friend."

The line cut out, and Motoki stood up out of his chair.

"It's time to become a hero," he said solemnly.

He dashed out the door, and looked for his car.

"I'll use the power of man's inventions to topple the creature!" announced Motoki to no one in particular.

But in his car's parking spot was nothing.

"Shoot!" he said. "Why did Mama Motoki borrow it without asking me?!"

Motoki slammed his fist through a car window, and leapt inside.

He found a spare key hidden under the floor mat, and launched her up.

Then he took off speeding down the street.

To his horror, he spotted an unspeakably hideous monster holding a huge man above its head.

"Ooga booga!" it called.

"Die, foul beast! I, Motoki Furuhata, will slay you!"

Motoki slammed his foot down on the gas pedal, and went at 120 mph into the gargoyle.

"Phew," said Motoki. "Nothing could survive a hit from this boy."

Motoki peeled himself out of the airbag and hopped out of the car.

But to his amazement, the beast lifted up the car.

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Motoki, going whiter than a sheet.

He had no choice but to throw a punch, since the beast's arms were occupied.

It was a successful hit, and surprisingly tossed back the Youma, causing the car to drop only inches from Motoki's foot.

The beast fell through a fence.

"Phew," said Motoki.

But that workhorse wouldn't go down, and revved up for another round.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" repeated Motoki.

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Sailor Moon hit her creature with a tiara, but the monster dodged because it wasn't injured enough or stunned.

"Shoot!" said Sailor Moon. "How am I supposed to injure the beast if that's my only attack?"

She leapt up and threw a kick, tossing it, and got ready for another tiara throw.

But that's when another distress signal came in.

"Uh oh," said Sailor Moon. "What do I do!?"

Usagi took to the communicator. "Hey girls, anyone finish up their fights yet?"

All she heard in response was Ami's panting as she ran up 40 flights of stairs.

"Makoto?" asked Usagi.

But all she heard was grunts and the sound of punching.

"Rei?" she asked.

"Sorry, still up to my neck," she replied.

"Shoot," said Sailor Moon. "Has it really come to this?"

"Don't worry," said Luna. "I'll go hold off the monster attacking Juuban mall, while you finish this guy up!"

"No Luna, it's too dangerous!" cried Usagi.

"Don't worry," said Luna. "I won't engage it in actual combat. I'll just keep it distracted to save the innocent lives."

Luna dashed off before Sailor Moon could object more.

She arrived at the mall.

"There it is," thought Luna.

Luna threw her body at the behemoth, back-first into its leg.

But it had no effect.

The monster didn't even notice her, so Luna took a chomp on its foot.

The beast let out a shriek, and swung down its fist.

But Luna used her cat-like reflexes to leap out of the way.

She took off running on all fours, hoping the beast would chase her.

The beast chased her, but it was faster than she had calculated, and then appeared in front of her and threw a kick, tossing her.

Luna tried one last-ditch effort and leapt at it, fangs and claws first.

But it swatted her out of the air.

But to all the panicking bystanders' surprise, she landed on her feet.

"This… this is nothing!" she panted, having trouble standing.

The monster swung down its arms in an overhead mallet punch, and Luna braced herself for the great beyond.

But when she opened her eyes, a majestic white cat was holding the fist of the Youma above her.

"Artemis!" yelled Luna. "I haven't seen you since the Silver Millennium!"

"Heh," said Artemis, in a deep sweat. "Run, Luna."

"No," said Luna. "If we battle together, we can defeat this guy."

They battled together, and put up a very good fight.

However they weren't even close to breaking even with such a mighty monster.

That's when their super-sonic hearing kicked in, and they heard screams from across the mall.

"Uh oh," said Luna.

"Go," said Artemis. "You're less injured. Try to distract the beast without engaging in combat!"

"No, Artemis!" cried Luna. "You'll die here! You're simply a goner!"

"GO!" said Artemis, as he got kicked like a football.

Luna took off running without looking back as cat tears hit the ground.

She confronted the monster, and hoped it would be a weaker one.

But unfortunately, it had just the same amount of power.

000000

Grandpa, Chad, and Melvin walked in a casual pace towards certain death.

Melvin's knees were rattling rhythmically as he sported a toy hammer.

"Am I the only one here afraid that we're gonna die?" asked Melvin.

"I know we're gonna die," said Grandpa. "But I'm not afraid."

In his hands, were several powerful voodoo slips, each which had the power to destroy any spirit in the world.

He knew he would be needing them, and he prepared them many years ago, only for a crisis. But this certainly was one.

Chad had his broom.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" yelled Melvin, charging suddenly when he spotted the golem.

He did an amazing leap that only Grandpa could see, and hit the creature over the head with his hammer.

It did no effect, and Melvin was tossed to the ground.

However, it's shown that Melvin can tank a lot of injury from Youmas, and he got to his feet.

He took out his bag of shrimp, and got ready to throw it.

But Grandpa charged at lightning speed, ten times faster than someone his age should and could.

He threw three slips on the monster, causing it to smoke and yell in pain.

The monster died.

"Wow," said Melvin. "We did it, folks!"

But that's when another monster took its place.

"Hey," said Chad, shaking. "How many more of those slips do you have?"

"That was all of them," answered Grandpa casually. "I do have a couple generic ones though, that my granddaughter wrote."

The monster leapt at them at once, and Grandpa easily dodged its attack.

But Chad wasn't so lucky. The monster got him by his broom, and lifted him high into the air.

"Chad, no!" said Grandpa.

Grandpa ran up and threw several flawless martial arts kicks, followed by three accurate chops to the beast's pressure points.

But sadly its biology wasn't the same as the humans who had trained Grandpa, so his pressure points weren't quite in the same place.

The beast let out a sonic shout, and Grandpa raised his fan, countering the attack, but dropping his endurance by half.

The monster threw Chad on the ground, and threw a kick to his spine.

Chad let out a shriek. "SHYAAAAAAAAAAAA!" he yelled.

Melvin, gaining new strength, dove at the creature's legs, hoping to take it down.

But it had no effect, and did little to sway the beast.

Grandpa got in his battle stance once more, and threw a powerful knee to the monster's stomach, inflicting heavy damage.

But while his knee was still connected, the monster threw an elbow into his head, sending Grandpa crashing into the ground.

The monster put his foot on Grandpa's giant head, while Melvin swung his backpack at the creature's spine.

"Live long lives, young boys," said Grandpa, losing strength.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Chad, throwing a powerful bodyslam, surpassing the strength of his master, Grandpa.

Grandpa was also one with great endurance like Melvin, so the unlikely duo looked at each other and nodded.

Grandpa made it to his feet, and they charged together as a team.

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All of the Sailors were locked in great battles. Some were doing better than others.

Mercury took a chop to the face.

Molly and her mom walked down the street.

Molly's mom was equipped with a golf club, and Molly with a spatula.

They passed the Tsukino family, who were walking grimly in the opposite direction.

"Good luck," said Kenji.

"You too," said Molly's mom.

Molly and her mother arrived at the monster.

"Mama," said Molly. "I'm scared."

"There's no time for that emotion," said Molly's mom.

She swung the golf club, nailing the beast in the head. "This is the final fury of the Osaka family!" she shouted. "For Osa-P!"

She hit the beast again with twice the strength, creating a metal clanging sound.

"Good one, Mama!" cheered Molly.

But the beast was unfazed, and grabbed Molly's mom by the neck, pushing her body into a streetlamp.

"Nooooooo!" said Molly. "Let her go, you beast!"

Molly threw concentrated blows at the monster's ribs, but it had a solid body like a lizard.

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As the Tsukino family marched on, there was a split in the road with monsters on each side.

Kenji and Ikuko looked at each other, and they nodded sadly.

"Let's go, Shingle," said Kenji sadly.

They went their separate ways, never to meet each other again.

"Will Mama make it out alive?" asked Shingo.

"Let's keep moving," said Kenji, with a toast in his mouth.

Ikuko approached her monster, and laying on the ground was Ms. Haruna's battered corpse.

The monster was sporting some scratches, proving Haruna put up a solid game, but came far from downing the beast.

Ikuko readied her frying pan, the frying pan she'd had since birth.

"Old reliable," she said.

Ms. Haruna's spirit appeared next to Ikuko.

Either that, or Ikuko's fear made her imagine it.

"Ikuko," said Ms. Haruna. "Do you think you can down the beast I failed to defeat?"

"Yes," said Ikuko. "I surpassed you long ago, Haruna."

Haruna's spirit smiled, and disappeared, passing on to heaven.

"We may have had our differences," said Ikuko once she was gone. "But she was a good person. Too young to leave this world."

Ikuko charged with her frying pan, and all she had.

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Kenji flung toast like ninja stars at the beast, but it simply reflected it all.

"Alright, make my day, shitface!" called Kenji, taking a stray crowbar off the street and getting ready for a fight.

Kenji charged the beast, and they locked arms.

"Look at Papa go!" said Shingo. "He's so brave! I must aid him in combat!"

That's when Shingo heard a familiar cry.

"Shingo….-kun!" cried one of his school friends.

"Goodbye, Papa," said Shingo.

"I am glad you died a man," said Kenji, getting quickly overwhelmed.

Shingo barged into doll girl's house, and saw her throwing her precious dolls as weapons.

"Don't worry!" said Shingle, sliding in. "I'll be this monster's opponent! You take your stupid dolls and escape with your life, small one!"

The girl escaped with her life, and Shingo got ready for his final chapter.

The monster toyed with Shingo for a long time, until it got Shingo on the ground.

"I have no regrets," said Shingle. "I lived a good life."

That's when the monster took a beam to the face, and none other than the mysterious Sailor V appeared.

"Ah!" said Shingle. "I'm a big fan! But Sailor Moon is better!"

"Shut up," said V. "Run along, little guy. I'll take it from here."

"Right," said Shingle.

He ran out the door, but there was another monster on the patio, waiting for him.

It gestured for him to come, and Shingo threw a punch.

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Ami was doing amazing leaps, but she slipped up, and received a quick kick to the face.

She got tossed through the wall, but got to her feet.

"Mercury Bubble Spray!" she repeated for the 12th time.

At this point it was not making the air anymore foggy, and the monster simply approached her.

Ami got ready for another round.

But that's when the sound of petals made her turn around.

"Young Sailor Mercury," said Zoisite. "A true pity."

"Zoisite, you fiend!" said Ami. "Are you behind all these creatures?"

"Yes," said Zoisite. "They were just standing around Queen Beryl's throne so I took them."

"You won't get away with this!" said Ami, trying to look intimidating and expecting Zoisite to flee like he usually does.

But Sailor Mercury was battle-worn, so she did not look very frightening.

"Goodbye," said Zoisite, teleporting away.

"Phew," said Mercury, getting ready to face her monster again.

That's when a crystal flew her way, ending her.

"Hot dog!" said Zoisite reappearing.

But the monster threw a punch at Zoisite, but Zoisite caught it.

"Watch it, beast," said Zoisite. "I'll let you run along now, but if you push your luck again I'll send you back to Beryl's crowd."

The Youma took off with its tail between its legs.

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Epilogue

Zoisite managed to take out both Makoto and Tuxedo Mask in similar surprise attacks.

But when he arrived to finish Sailor Moon, she had defeated her monster, and Zoisite was forced to flee.

Rei survived with heavy injuries, and so did Sailor V who would one day reveal herself as Sailor Venus.

She did lose an arm in combat, but maybe one day she'll get a mechanical one.

Luna and Artemis both perished, and Ikuko passed on.

Molly's mom died, and Molly managed to escape, not wanting to fight the monster once she realized it was a lost cause.

Grandpa and Melvin died, but Chad lived to tell their heroic tale.

Shingle died, and surprisingly enough Kenji pulled through and defeated his monster by using his brain power to trick the simple beast into getting crushed by 100 pounds of rubble.

Motoki was slain, but his memory lived on by his sister. Unbeknownst to her, a beam was his undoing.

His mom, however, who had taken his car, road into trouble.

Zoisite presented the corpses of the fallen, including Mercury, Jupiter, and Tuxedo Mask. He even laid forth the cats.

"This is enough to spare your life," said Beryl with a giddy grin. "Two meddlesome Sailors out of the way, and those pesky cats. Now get me the rest of those crystals!"

"Yes," said Zoisite.

"Oh," said Beryl, realizing the opportunity. "Let's see who this monster Tuxedo Mask really is under his mask."

Queen Beryl unmasked Tuxedo Mask's decaying remains.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Beryl. "This is my love Endymion! Why did you kill him?!"

"How the heck was I supposed to know that?!" said Zoisite.

Beryl killed Zoisite.

FIN

* * *

 _Kenji's Quest for the Golden Toaster_

Kenji was reading his newspaper, as Ikuko handed him his breakfast, a toast sandwich.

"Thank you, young one," said Kenji.

"Hey," said Shingle. "Why do you love toast so much?"

Kenji killed Shingo, and Ikuko shook her head sadly. "I knew this day was coming," she said.

Kenji's daughter Usagi pranced in.

"Ah, my favorite child," he said. "Who's now my only child!"

As proper Japanese custom, Ikuko turned on the TV in the other room so Kenji could listen to the news.

"Mmm," he said, while reading a newspaper.

"News, news, news."

"Heh heh," giggled Ikuko. "You sure are the bread winner of this family."

"Ho ho!" said Kenji. "Toast jokes are my favorite jokes!"

He was reading the newspaper when he spotted something he thought he'd never see.

He sprinted out of the room and out the door, and never came back.

Kenji arrived at the new statue, that was none other than a huge golden toaster.

"Uwwwaaaaa!" said Kenji with glee.

He returned at night, and climbed into the toaster, hoping no one would turn it on despite it being a statue.

He scanned his flashlight, until he spotted the hidden map.

He took a picture with his most expensive camera.

Luckily, he had many of those in stock due to his profession.

The picture printed out from the camera like an old school camera, and Kenji shook it to develop it.

"I'm off!" he said.

He drove up to Melvin's house and honked the horn.

"It's time!" he called.

Melvin sprinted out with his backpack he had prepared when he was just a young boy for this occasion.

He hopped in shotgun, and they took off.

"Say," said Kenji. "You should become my daughter's husband."

"Heh heh heh," said Melvin, his face glowing red. "That would be a dream. Do I have your blessing, Mr. Tsukino?"

"Yes," said Kenji. "You must propose to her with toast, as that's how I proposed to my wife."

"Ah, a good money-saver," said Melvin. "So I can spend more on textbooks."

"Now that's a boy for my daughter," chuckled Kenj.

They followed the map precisely until they arrived at a place no other human knew about, since no one except for them could see it through the barrier.

"Why are we gifted enough to see through the magical wall?" asked Melvin.

"Because," said Kenji. "I have this photo here of the map, so this will allow us to see it."

They hopped out of the car, and walked for two miles.

"No way," said Melvin when they reached their destination.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Kenji.

It was the promised land.

An entire field where toast was literally sprouting forth from the ground, exactly like a pumpkin patch.

Kenji took a sample, and started to cry from happiness.

"It's so good!" he wept.

"Ah," said Melvin. "I wanna try a piece of American-style toast!"

He took a bite.

Kenji took off his belt, and whipped Melvin to his demise.

"You're unworthy," he said.

And so lived on Kenji eternally, in a little toast house in the beautiful toast field, farming every day at the crack of dawn and tending to his toast crop that would only be consumed by himself.

FIN


	201. Jed's Energy Farm

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"But is it a source that will last us a long time?" asked Beryl.

"Actually," said Jadeite. "I've been thinking. Remember that music episode?"

"No," said Beryl. "I skipped that one. Very boring. In fact, they removed it from the first dub, because it was so boring."

"Actually no," said Jadeite. "I think it was removed because the thought of someone being followed by my bat Youma was too spoopy. That's why they cut Zoisite chasing Crane Machine Joe."

"Did they really?" asked Beryl.

"I believe so," said Jadeite. "It's a pity too, it was a good scene."

"Yes," said Beryl. "Don't worry, Viz will fix it."

"Wrong," said Jadeite. "Viz are criminals. They want to charge $20 for 20 episodes!"

"What?! NO!" cried Beryl.

"Yes," said Jadeite. "And they block all my YouTube videos, if a clip is more than 30 seconds long. But only in America."

"Those fiends!" said Beryl. "They don't have the right! They didn't make the show!"

"I know," said Jadeite. "It keeps me up at night, honestly. Is it such a crime to have a 32 second video of such an insignificant scene, such as Yuuichirou fighting Koan?"

"Who?" asked Beryl.

"So I was thinking of taking energy from plants," said Jadeite. "Don't you remember we used one to test my music plan, and energy was in fact removed from the plant?"

"Ah," said Beryl. "I do remember now. However, I don't think plants are a sufficient source."

"Why not?" asked Jed. "They can't fight back."

"I don't know," said Beryl. "Aren't there different kinds of energy? I would assume that plant energy isn't as good as human energy. Isn't that true. Jadeite?"

Jadeite shrugged. "Energy's not my expertise."

Beryl looked at him. "Don't use plants," she decided.

"Alright," said Jadeite. "I'll just do a plan similar to my gym one. Maybe this time it will be a yoga class. I can't believe idiots just step into a not even disguised energy pod."

"Ah!" said Beryl. "That was one of your only successful ones! Didn't you hit several humans, many times?"

"Yes!" said Jadeite. "They got addicted to my draining pods, almost like a drug! In fact, if I used this one teacher one more time, she would have died."

"Why would she die?" asked Beryl.

"I don't know," said Jadeite. "I guess you run out of energy eventually, if you don't have time to get it back."

"Wait!" said Beryl. "Did that teacher ever recover?"

"I think so," said Jadeite. "She eventually got her energy back."

"Nice," said Beryl. "I see a puzzle, but I'm having trouble putting the pieces together."

Suddenly something flickered in Jadeite's mind, and he sprinted away.

"Good luck with the yoga plan!" called Beryl.

Jadeite ran into his room.

Nephrite gave him a nod when he passed him in the hall.

"Darn soda machine," said Nephrite.

In his space, Jadeite set up a drawing board, and took many notes.

He thought back to the Alan and An episodes, and recalled many people getting hit for energy many times.

"They all were fine later!" said Jadeite. "All of them! Humans are endless reserves of energy, if given enough time! Just like plants, producing fruits!"

Jadeite paced for many hours.

"Alan and An..." he repeated. "Although a non-canon filler arc, it provided a lot of information about how energy works! Alan and An didn't want to kill people, so they only took enough to make people sleep. Judging from my gym plan, you can take a lot of energy from someone before they croak, and can do it again soon. Yes, YES!"

Jadeite punched a wall and then back-flipped three times.

* * *

A month passed, and Nephrite finally got his snack from the soda machine.

He considered teleporting back to his mansion, but decided to take a lap around the Negaverse.

He ran into Zoisite and Kunzite.

"Drat," he said. "There goes my good time."

"At ease, soldier," said Kunzite. "We're not here for a fight. We heard a lot of construction going on around empty sectors of the Negaverse. Someone might be invading, or someone might have wandered in and made it their home. Beryl sent us to go investigate."

Nephrite shook his soda, and realized there was more than half left.

"Alright," he said. "I'll tag along."

"Greeeat," said Zoisite.

"Shut up," said Nephrite.

The Shitennou arrived in the Negawasteland, however, there was a large, almost enormous faculty built.

They entered cautiously.

"There might be squatters living in here," warned Kunzite, charging a blast in his hands.

When they entered the main room, it seemed to be some nicely lit, almost greenhouse-like structure.

"What is this?" they demanded.

"Ah!" said Jadeite appearing.

He had a straw hat on, and a piece of hay in his mouth that he was chewing on. He had overalls over his Shitennou jacket.

"Nice get-up," said Nephrite. "Are you farmer Jed today?"

"Yes," said Jadeite. "I've been farmer Jed for the past month."

"What is this?" demanded Zoisite.

"Ah," said Jadeite. "Let me introduce you to my energy farm."

"Energy farm?" asked Kunzite.

Nephrite crossed his arms and scoffed. "No such thing exists," he said. "All baloney."

"Wrong," said Jadeite. "Let me show you how it works. Come, my children," he said, leading the way.

Zoisite shrugged and decided to follow.

Nephrite and Kunzite followed moments later.

Jadeite brought them to a huge auditorium-like room.

"This is where I farm the humans," he said.

The Shitennou gasped.

"Jadeite!" they said. "Did you really go to Earth and capture hundreds of humans, and then put them all in cage-like contraptions in the Negaverse?!"

"Yes," said Jadeite. "We should have done this a long time ago. I just took a couple buses worth of people, and a few select people."

"But why?!" demanded Kunzite. "This is inhumane!"

"So?" scoffed Jadeite.

"How does it work?" asked Nephrite, examining Motoki's cage closely.

"Ah," said Jadeite. "You see, I feed them well, and give them a nice bed for rest. Every few weeks, I drain all their energy, several times in fact, with a couple days in between each grab. Once they dry out, they take a long nap and recover. This is why the process takes a couple weeks. I drain them until they're nearly dead, and their hearts beat once a minute, almost like a coma."

"Wow," said Nephrite, more amazed than disgusted.

"That's almost brilliant," admitted Zoisite.

"Yes," said Jadeite. "I have it down to a formula. It's like harvesting tomatoes. In fact, that's why I call it a farm. I have several sectors of humans that I drain at different times, so I have almost a continuous stream of energy. Currently, it's hooked up straight to Metalia's pod by that pipe running across the ceiling."

"No," said Kunzite. "This is very cruel!"

"So?" repeated Jadeite. "We will destroy the Earth when Metalia awakes anyway. Honestly, I should be draining them until they die, but then I'd have to get more humans. I guess I could mate them like simple farm animals, but that's more effort than how I'm doing it now."

The Shitennou had nothing else to say. They were all shocked by Jadeite's genius.

"Also," continued Jadeite. "I really really am a farmer, since I grow all the food the humans need here. It's an entirely self-contained project. I have an assortment of crops so they don't get too bored and give up on living. I also put wheels to run on in some of the cages, and move humans there if they start to get depressed. Oh, and one more thing. Once the plants produce as much food as they can, their energy also goes to Metalia! Although as it turns out plant energy is not much. But it still builds up over time."

Nephrite walked out and left.

"So," said Zoisite, getting down to business. "How do I build myself one of these?"

"Sorry," said Jadeite. "It's a patented design. But I would build you a small one for a large amount of money."

"We don't use money here," said Zoisite.

"Oh," said Jadeite. "Then I'll take a piece of your castle in exchange."

"Screw you," said Zoisite. "I can figure this out myself."

"Cya," said Jadeite.

He walked by Ms. Haruna's cage and threw her a dog treat.

"Ah, Kunzite, you're still here," said Jadeite, as Kunzite examined Ms. Haruna's cell.

"Yes," said Kunzite, very amazed.

"Ah, Ms. Haruna," said Jadeite, patting the cage. "She has been shown to be very resilient, and in fact I hit her for energy in several different episodes, one being the radio episode, and one the gym, where I hit her many times. Some humans are just naturally gifted, I suppose!"

"Hmmm," said Kunzite.

* * *

Jadeite woke up at the crack of dawn to a rooster letting out a howl.

"Hmm," said Jadeite, putting on his hay cap. "Another day on the farm!"

He opened up a six pack of hay and put one in his mouth.

"That'll do it," he said.

He teleported down to the farm, and to his surprise, there was a small mob.

"Jadeite," said Nephrite, the first to confront the farmer.

"What do you want?" asked Jadeite. "A farmer's day is busy."

"Who gave you this idea?" demanded Nephrite. "There's no way you came up with it on your own. Was it Zoisite? Was it Evil Endymion?"

"No," said Jadeite. "I just rewatched Season 1, and also Alan and An filler. And then it just dawned on me."

"Grrr," said Nephrite. "Either way, it's not fair! You don't deserve success! I work twice as hard as you!"

Jadeite let out a chuckle. "Don't be jealous, laddy. Your day will come, just not soon. How's that targeting people at the peak of their energy going?"

"Shut up," said Nephrite.

"Ah, Queen Beryl!" said Jadeite. "You decided to pay me a visit in my workplace."

"Yes," said Beryl. "This is amazing. You are the best Shitennou. I'm promoting you above Kunzite. At this rate, we won't even need that silly Silver Crystal! We can just get Metalia to 100% by pure energy!"

Jadeite nodded with glee.

"Say," said Beryl. "You should hook some of this energy up to my crystal ball. I could be invincible."

"I don't think so," said Jadeite.

"I'll kill you!" said Beryl.

"Fine," said Jadeite. "But who will run the farm? It only responds to my fingerprint, and you won't know how to tend to the many crops."

Beryl was steamed.

"Fine," barked Beryl. "I'll just have Metalia kill you when she awakes."

"She could try," said Jadeite. "But then I'd cut off her energy flow."

"Alright, alright," said Beryl. "How about you sell me just a couple gallons, and I can use them to hypnotise Mamoru Chiba many times! Last time I had to use all my ball energy, so when Sailor Moon came in I was a sitting duck and got killed by a rose."

"Haha," said Jadeite. "You shouldn't go around wasting energy. It's a precious resource."

Beryl thought for a long time. "Alright, I'll give you Kunzite's house, and that big statue behind my throne that it's sort of attached to, all for 20 gallons of energy!"

"Throw in your head boomerang, and I'll make it a deal," said Jadeite.

"Hey, no!" said Zoisite, who was a regular at the farm. He was in fact laying on the ground trying to figure out the mechanics.

"Gee," said Jadeite. "It's like you live here."

"It's nice," said Nephrite. "He's not at my house ever. I don't think he ever leaves this place. You might as well give away his castle, Beryl."

"Noooooo!" said Zoisite. "If I was going to give away my castle, I'd use it for the blueprints for this masterpiece."

"Hmm," said Jadeite. "Do you think you can top that bid, Beryl?"

"I already have!" cried Beryl. "I own the lease to Zoisite's house, in fact everything in the Negaverse."

"Ha," said Nephrite. "You don't own my mansion. How about that, Jadeite? The stars are included."

"Tempting," said Jadeite. "If I'm going to sell the blueprints, I'd have to make a good deal. Because once they're out, everyone will have them, and no one will buy energy anymore."

"That's monopoly!" said Zoisite. "Beryl, don't we have a Negalaw against that?"

"We do," said Beryl. "But Jadeite's feeding energy directly to Metalia, and honestly I couldn't be any happier. Plus, he might actually outrank me at this point to Metalia."

"Indeed," said Jadeite. "Now run along, children. Visiting hours aren't for a while."

The crowd stormed off.

"I hate you," said Kenji.

Jadeite closed the door.

"Ah," said Jadeite. "Energy season's coming, time to get to work."

Jadeite tended to his cash crop while whistling Old McDonald.

Suddenly, he spotted Nephrite freeloading.

"Back off," said Jadeite. "I told you it's not visiting hours."

"Fine," said Nephrite. He headed for the door.

"HEEEEEY!" screamed Nephrite, turning around.

"What is it?" demanded Jadeite.

"That's MULLY in there!" shouted Nephrite.

"Yes," said Jadeite. "She's one of my biggest energy donors."

"Get her out of there!" said Nephrite.

"No can do," said Jadeite. "She's already given me energy six times this week. She's our prime cash cow. Just think of how many times she got her energy taken in the course of the series. Like four times in the Alan and An arc! She's a pro!"

Nephrite threw a powerful punch, right into Jadeite's chest.

It was a direct hit, but when he retracted his punch, Jadeite was still standing unscathed.

"What is this?!" demanded Nephrite.

Jadeite just shook his head. "Of course I would use some of the energy to keep myself in tip-top shape!" laughed Jed.

He threw a sonic punch into Nephrite's stomach, releasing all his divine energy in one punch.

Nephrite was sent flying, and met a wall face-to-face.

Nephrite weakly got to his feet.

"I'm a master at controlling my energy," said Jadeite. "Just like that time Tuxedo put his divine energy in a rose, to kill Beryl in fact. And since I have unlimited reserves, I don't even get weaker after I use energy!"

Nephrite shot a random projectile.

Jadeite didn't even bother blocking, but it flew right past him, and Molly's cage blew up.

"Hey!" said Jadeite.

Mully took off running, but collapsed from lack of energy.

"I'll be back, Mully!" called Nephrite, fleeing with his life.

* * *

Zoisite sat in his house, thinking.

"I need a plan," he said. "I'm too lazy to build a whole energy farm. Kunzite's a good workhorse, but it'd still take a very long time. I just gotta somehow rewire Jed's farm to my own reserves. If only I knew how that thing worked."

Zoisite waited.

"I'm a smart guy," he said finally. "I can figure it out."

He teleported into Metalia's chamber.

"Good," he said. "Metalia's still not awoken, or she's just sleeping. Do blobs sleep?" he wondered.

Zoisite took the pipe out of Metalia's pod, and put his mouth to it.

"Mmm, good energy," he said.

* * *

"Jadeite," said Beryl, sitting on her throne. "Metalia's only gone up 2% today."

"That's not right," said Jadeite. "I get way more. In fact I just harvested a whole batch this morning."

"Hmmm," said Beryl. "You might want to check the pipes, perhaps there's a leak."

Jadeite gasped. "No! All that energy flowing to nowhere!"

Jadeite took off running.

Suddenly, the throne room doors swung open, and Zoisite entered the room.

"Zoisite," said Beryl suspiciously. "Is it just me, or do you have a blueish glow? You look like you stepped in some radioactive waste, and are glowing in the dark."

"Mmmm," said Zoisite.

He took a step towards Beryl, shaking the whole room.

Queen Beryl's crystal ball started spazzing out at the intense energy. It took its own life.

"This energy!" screamed Beryl. "Where is it coming from?!"

Suddenly Zoisite fired a charged Motoki beam, and Beryl went flying with the beam.

"METALIA-SAMAAAA!" she howled, as she entered the afterlife like a broken tape recorder.

Suddenly Nephrite walked in, and he was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

"Zoisite," said Nephrite. "Have you always been blue?"

Suddenly Nephrite was hit by a strong wave of energy. "No!" he said. "I haven't felt something like this since Kunzite once showed me his full power!"

But before Nephrite could regain his bearings, Zoisite came flying at him with a crystal like a madman.

Nephrite quickly spawned a sword, parrying the attack.

But Zoisite pushed back with the crystal.

"No no nno nono no!" said Nephrite.

That's when Zoisite put all his divine energy into his crystal, similar to what he did against a crippled Mamoru Chiba. His crystal glowed, and Nephrite was defeated.

"Why am I getting defeated by weaklings!?" escaped in Nephrite's last breath.

He dropped to the ground and died.

"Heh heh!" said Zoisite.

He left.

Nephrite laid there for ten minutes, and then suddenly a ball of energy appeared and circled around him.

It then flew into his heart, and Nephrite stood back up.

"Ah," he said. "It was smart to steal a gallon of Jed's energy and use it as a last reserve. But seriously though, this can't go on anymore!"

* * *

Jadeite entered Metalia's chambers.

"Ah, here's the problem!" he said. "Metalia got unplugged! What kind of scoundrel could have done that?"

Jadeite plugged the energy source back into Metalia. "Good as new," he said.

He left.

Nephrite walked in seconds later.

"Aha!" he realized.

He ripped the funnel from Metalia and began chugging energy.

"Mmmmmmm," he said.

"Three second rule," said Kenji, tapping his feet impatiently.

"Buzz off," said Nephrite. "This isn't an elementary school water fountain."

"Fine," said Kenji. "If you're going to abuse the system, then I might have to abuse it myself!"

There was a significantly long line behind Kenji.

"Is he done yet?" demanded Thetis.

"Hurry up!" called Prince Endymion.

"Is the same guy STILL up there?" asked Motoki from the back of the line.

"Move it along!" barked Grandpa.

"Everyone step aside!" called Kunzite from the back. "I should have some sort of priority here!"

"You don't even need energy," said Endymion. "You have enough."

"No," said Kunzite. "I want to spawn a planet. Anyone can be a planet buster, but a planet spawner is a different league."

"That's dumb," said Kenji. "All I want is a little bit of energy to make toast!"

"Just plug your toaster in," barked Thetis. "You're just holding an unplugged toaster, you fool."

"Can it," said Kenji.

"Alright," said Nephrite finally. "I'm done."

20 people threw themselves at the fountain, and Nephrite vanished.

* * *

Zoisite flew through the Negaverse air at top speeds.

"I'm a rocket!" he yelled.

Suddenly someone flew at him like a bullet, and dropkicked him out of the air.

Zoisite got tossed for a mile, but then regained his equilibrium.

Nephrite appeared in front of him.

"Ah," said Zoisite. "Nice blue glow, kid. Nice sneak attack as well."

"Thanks," said Nephrite. "Your blue glow is pretty neat as well."

Nephrite spawned his sword, burning with blue fire energy.

"You know what's an even nicer sneak attack?" said Zoisite.

Suddenly a crystal came flying at Nephrite from behind.

He swung his sword, shattering it.

But 20 more flew in from all other angles, sending Nephrite for a loop.

"Drat!" said Nephrite. "My fighting skills are far superior to Zoisite's, but Zoisite's brain is far superior to mine. This will be a tough battle because we have equal energy, so I have to be at the top of my game."

Zoisite shot out a bright light, a solar flare if you will, blinding Nephrite.

He flew in for a dropkick, but Nephrite sensed his energy, and threw an elbow into his spine.

Zoisite landed on a floating rock formation, and kicked off of it, going in for a spinning torpedo punch.

Nephrite took maximum damage, but he shot a super charged Starlight Attack that Zoisite couldn't dodge.

After the smoke cleared, Zoisite shot Crazy petals, confusing Nephrite.

He got in many critical hits, but he had to retreat quickly after each blow, because Nephrite was a true master of all martial arts.

Zoisite raised his hand, and it started raining crystals, but Nephrite shot a scattershot, destroying them all with perfect 1:1 scatter per crystal ratio.

One of the scattershots went flying at Zoisite, and Zoisite put up his arms to block it.

But the beam completely engulfed him, inflicting much damage.

They fought for four hours straight, and Zoisite had the upper-hand solely by his smarts, but Nephrite's sturdiness allowed him to take a lot more hits than fragile Zoisite.

"You had enough?" asked Zoisite, panting.

"No," said Nephrite. "I'm just warming up."

He charged with a punch, but Zoisite put his hand up.

"Stop," he said. "This is foolish. We both have unlimited reserves of energy. We had such a high base stat, that we're recovering faster than we're depleting it. This will go on forever. As much as I enjoy knocking you around for once, I will not be able to defeat you with how many blows you can receive."

"Hmm," said Nephrite. He didn't want to admit it, but he was getting a clobbering. But he did however land many devastating blows, just by Zoisite's slip-ups and luck, and his all-around better fighting techniques.

"Alright," said Nephrite. "Truce?"

"Don't touch me," said Zoisite, even though they had been slugging for four hours.

"Heh," said Nephrite. "You're just salty that you couldn't stand back and shoot attacks at me, because I kept blitzing you. You had to get your hands dirty."

"The past is the past," said Zoisite. "So long."

Zoisite took off at max speeds.

"Hmm," said Nephrite. "I'll let the boy live, but maybe I should get back in line for more energy. Then maybe I can make up for the difference in IQ."

Nephrite took off to Metalia's chamber FTL.

* * *

Jadeite paced back and forth as he looked at Metalia's energy meter.

"What is this?!" he demanded. "Our production has been 120%, but the meter's barely budging. Something must be off. Maybe human energy gets diluted after you reuse them so much… Maybe I should get a new batch."

Jadeite stepped outside for some fresh poisonous Negaverse air.

"Hmm," he said, inhaling.

That's when he spotted, very far off in the distance, some kind of light show, like the Northern lights.

"Ah," said Jadeite. "We are in the North Pole."

"Wait a second," he said. "There's no mesosphere here! That can't be! Maybe it's just some kind of freak natural disaster. I don't know much about my home. Anything goes, really."

Jadeite sat down to watch the light show, but his stomach felt light.

"That almost feels like energy," said Jed. "But that can't be. Only Metalia has energy to rival that."

He put his hand on the ground and felt it slightly shaking.

"What the heck?" said Jadeite.

* * *

Zoisite stood on a very large stone island in the Negaverse.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" he screamed, exerting energy by the millions. His aura was ginormous, and he was shooting energy in all directions.

If someone stepped within 100 miles of him, they'd burn up.

"This feels so good!" yelled Zoisite, with his arms in the air exerting energy. "I rival 100% Metalia, no, even greater! I'm talking Doom Phantom here! Or maybe Mistress 9! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"AAAHHHAHHHHHH!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Finally Zoisite ran out of energy.

"Wow," said Zoisite. "I can't believe I exerted that much power for an hour straight. I've never been able to exert energy in my life! I know us Shitennou exert a little, but the only real time someone exerted it in Season 1 was Kunzite, and his is nothing compared to this! I need to go restock and do this again!"

After Zoisite left, Jadeite landed where he had been standing.

"This is where the light show was coming from," said Jed.

He stuck out his arm, and felt the remnants of pure energy.

"What the heck?" said Jadeite, scratching his head. "Is this some kind of natural energy storm? If I could find a way to predict these, I could just absorb energy from there. I'll have to do some research," he said.

* * *

Zoisite stormed past the mob into Metalia's chambers.

"Step aside!" he yelled. "I still have enough energy to destroy all of you!"

He started absorbing some energy right from the tank, but Nephrite ran up and snatched it, and started absorbing too.

"Hey!" said Zoisite, snatching it back. "I was here first!"

"I need it more," said Nephrite, yanking at it. "You're just exerting it randomly, accomplishing nothing. I have great plans for this universe! I started creating my own Shitennou, similar to how Metalia spawned the Youma!"

"Hiya," said Opalite.

"Sorry," said Kunzite, coming in for his after-dinner snack. "VIP," he said, holding out a nametag. "I don't have to wait in line."

"Hey," said Kenji. "That's just forged!"

"Shut up," said Kunzite. "Now step aside, you two. It will only be twenty minutes."

"No way," said Nephrite. "Just wait for me. I say Zoisite goes last because he's just throwing it away."  
"Hey now," said the rowdy crowd. "Save some for us!"

Suddenly Jadeite pranced in, and saw a full jamboree.

"WHAT IS THIS!?" screamed Jadeite at the top of his lungs.

"Hm?" said Kunzite, incoherently because he was chugging energy.

Jadeite was beyond livid. "Here I was, farming pure energy for our great ruler, and Zoisite's going around exerting it just for fun!"

"How'd you know it was me?" said Zoisite.

"I was walking in the room, but I didn't want to believe my ears!" shouted Jed. "I kept checking and checking but the Metalia meter wouldn't go up!"

"Really guys?!" yelled Kenji loudly. "You didn't follow the 1/4th rule?"

"What is the ¼th rule?" demanded Jadeite.

"It's where you have to put ¼ of the energy you take into Metalia, so no one gets suspicious. It's on the rule board right there."

Jadeite stepped up to the rule board and read it angrily.

"Rule 20: put $25 in the toll booth before entering ;)," he read out loud. "You're charging money for my energy?!"

Jadeite's face was blood red.

Jadeite had never been more livid in his life.

He shot hypercharged lightning, filling the room for 10 long seconds.

When the smoke cleared, everyone was still intact from how much energy they had absorbed.

Everyone, except for Metalia, who exploded.

"Yuck," said Zoisite. "I got Metalia goo on me."

"AAAAHHHHHH!" screamed Jadeite.

Suddenly Evil? Endymion ran in, sprinting at top speeds.

He leapt into the pipe, and ran through it, like one would be going up a waterfall.

"Hey!" said Jadeite. "Get outta there!"

Jadeite teleported to his farm, and saw that his farm was in ruins.

Endymion ran along swinging his sword and chopping all the cages open.

"I only take energy from free pasture humans!" shouted Endymion. "Free Willy!"

The crowd of humans ran out the door, but unfortunately they fell into the abyss and died.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Jadeite, getting on his hands and knees.

Zoisite just shook his head sadly. He put his hand on Jadeite's shoulder.

"It's everyone else's fault except for me," said Zoisite. "They just wasted all that energy."

Jadeite put all his remaining divine energy into a single punch, instantly killing Zoisite.

Then he took his own life, but he was revived ten times before his energy depleted, and he died for good.

"Mm," said Kunzite sadly.


	202. Crown Buffet

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

Jadeite continued. "I will open a buffet, and all of the food steals energy! The more you eat, the more energy goes to the Negaverse! Hahaha! Stupid humans!"

"Good work," said Beryl.

Suddenly Zoisite entered.

"Jed," said Zoisite. "Did I hear you were going to open a buffet?"

"No," said Jed. "Buzz off."

"Well sadly that won't work," said Zoisite.

He showed Jadeite a news clipping.

Jadeite read it carefully.

"NO!" he said. "Crown Parlor is opening up an American-style buffet?!"

Zoisite nodded.

"Zoisite, how do you know this?" said Jadeite.

"Ah," said Zoisite. "I know everything having to do with Motoki or his sister. I keep tabs on them. Ever since that beam, we've grown sort of attached."

"I don't think he feels that way," said Jadeite. "Especially not his sister."

Zoisite shook his head. "Especially his sister. I go to Crown Parlor every day, and dine and dash!"

"Fine then," said Jadeite. "Well, I'm going to go check out the competition. Farewell."

* * *

The Negaverse got in line at Crown Buffet.

"Table for five, please," said Queen Beryl.

"I didn't invite any of you," mumbled Jed.

"Quiet," said Nephrite, putting on his bib. "It's time to chow!"

"I'm eating good tonight," said Kunzite.

"Let's not pay," said Zoisite. "It will be easy to slip out with all the commotion!"

"Sorry," said Beryl. "You have to pay to walk in."

"Goodbye," said Zoisite.

"No," said Kunzite. "Come on."

"Fine," said Zoisite. "I'll figure out another way to run them out of business."

"I thought you were friends," said Jadeite.

"No," said Zoisite. "Enemies. Close enemies."

"Ah," understood Jed.

They all grabbed their plates and entered the buffet.

"Hmm," said Nephrite, examining the several different sections for different kinds of foods. "So this is how they eat in America. No wonder they're all unhealthy."

"OOOH!" cried Jadeite. "I can't believe they have it!"

Jadeite dashed over to the desserts. "BANANER PUDDING!"

"What's so great about banana pudding?" asked Zoisite.

"You have a lot to understand," said Jadeite. "What's it like to be so young and so naïve?"

Jadeite took a large salad bowl from the salad section, and brought it to the desserts.

He piled in banana pudding until he could pile it in no more, and went to the table.

Nephrite got a large tray of fancy meats, along with some frenchies of course, and seated down too.

Queen Beryl soon joined them, and her plate consisted of: 2 chicken legs, a small bowl of salad, a cob of corn, and 1 flap jack.

"Beryl," said Jadeite. "What are you doing? That's all garbage!"

"Shut up, banana pudding!" yelled Beryl. "I can eat whatever I want!"

"You can," said Nephrite. "But that doesn't mean you should."

Jadeite looked at Nephrite's plate.

"Excellent," he said.

"Yes," said Nephrite. "I mapped it out before I came. I don't go into a buffet without knowing the best way to tackle it. In two plates will be dessert, as is right. So, Jadeite. Why are you eating dessert now?"

"Shut up," said Jadeite. "There's no right way to tackle a buffet."

"Hey guys," said Motoki's sister. "Are you doing good tonight?"

"Shut up," said Jadeite.

"Eat shit," said Beryl.

"Wowee," said Motoki's sister. "That's a lot of pudding! If you eat that much now, you won't be hungry for food!"

"Shut up, I know that!" said Jadeite.

Suddenly Zoisite walked up, holding a plate of every single item on the menu, and ten of each of the expensive items.

The plate was close to toppling.

"Wowee!" said Motoki's sister. "You must have a big appetite!"

"I gotta get my money's worth," said Zoisite. "Since I had to pay and all."

"Yes," said Motoki's sister. "It's nice to see you pay for once."

"Thanks Motoki's sister," said Zoisite. "Tell your brother I said hi."

"I'll do that," lied Motoki's sister. But she would never frustrate ol' Motoki for no reason.

"Where's Kunzite?" asked Beryl.

"Hmm," said Zoisite. "When I left him, he didn't have an item on his plate. He asked if he should get steak or ribs, and I said 'I don't know but you could just get both.' But Kunzite refused to make any rash decisions."

"Hey," said Motoki, who was serving the meats, as Kunzite eyed the meats a good five minutes but said nothing. "You need any suggestions?"

"No," said Kunzite. "I'm concentrating. Silence."

Motoki's sister walked up behind. "Onii-chan," she said.

"Ah, hi!" said Motoki.

"You know you don't have to help me out here," said sis. "You have an arcade to run!"

"Nah," said Motoki, who was a genuinely good guy. "I had that orange man run it."

"Ah, good choice," said Motoki's sis. "But sadly I have some bad news."

"Yes," said Motoki. "Someone already took all the banana pudding. It must be popular!"

"Heh heh," said Motoki's sis, not wanting to break the bad news that it was only one fanatic. "But that's not the bad news. There seems to be a pack of… troublemakers that wandered in. You might have to ask them to leave!"

"No need," said Motoki. "They haven't done anything bad yet! Let the boys eat."

"Okay…" said Motoki's sister. "I really hope they don't cause any trouble."

Nephrite walked up for another round at that moment.

"2 more medium rare boys, kind sir," he demanded.

Motoki handed him two medium rare steaks right off the grill.

Nephrite examined them closely. He cut one of them open, and took a deep look.

Then he took a sniff.

Then he shook his head sadly. "Too fatty," he said. "And I would call this medium medium rare, not medium rare."

"Ah," said Motoki. "I'll bring some good ones to your table."

"Thanks, Jadeite look-alike," said Nephrite. He moved on to another section.

On the way, he passed Kenji who only had toast on his plate.

"Kenji," said Nephrite. "I didn't even know they served toast here. I would have slipped that in one or two of my planned plates."

"Ho ho ho," said Kenji. "This place has everything."

"Yes," said Nephrite. "So why would you only get toast?"

Kenji just put his finger to Nephrite's lips.

He then left.

"Odd boy," said Nephrite, wiping his mouth off.

Kunzite stood at the desserts, eyeing them.

"Hmmmmmm," he said.

* * *

Back at the table, Jadeite was woofing down his banana pudding like a man who hadn't eaten for months, perhaps years.

"So good," mumbled Jadeite.

"Hmm," said Beryl. "Should I have some banana pudding for dessert?"

"No," said Jadeite. "I have it all reserved."

"You can't reserve stuff in a buffet," said Beryl.

"Quiet," said Jadeite. "Go back to eating your corn on the cob, kid."

"That's something you can't get anywhere else," snickered Nephrite, as he dissected a whole lobster.

"Nice cook," he commented.

Zoisite returned to the table with another full plate.

"Wow," said Jed. "Another round, huh?"

"Yes," said Zoisite. "I'm a hungry guy."

"I think it might be time to go for another round," decided Beryl.

"I have some suggestions," said Nephrite, pulling out a few pieces of paper and a map.

"No need," said Beryl. "I'll get what catches my eye."

Zoisite eyed his food.

He took a fry and ate it.

"Not bad," he said. "Kunzite still hasn't come back, huh?"

"No," said Nephrite. "I haven't seen him this whole time. He hasn't sat down once."

"Kunzite is a complicated fellow," muffled Jadeite as he chugged pudding like someone in an eating contest.

"Hmm," said Zoisite, taking off.

"Hey Kunzite," said Zoisite, when he found Kunzite staring like a lost pup at the salad bar. "You need help there, buddy?"

"No," said Kunzite. "I'm just thinking about what to eat. I've never seen so much food in one place before."

"First time, huh?"

"Yes," said Kunzite. "The Earth buffet is a great feat of engineering."

"You should just pick something," said Zoisite. "Start with a steak, everyone gets those."

"It's not that simple," said Kunzite. "A good comparison would be discovering a room full of treasure, and picking which piece to nab first. Most people would have to think for a long time."

"Well, we could always come back to the buffet," said Zoisite. "And you can go a couple rounds, so it's not that big of a deal!"

"Hmm," said Kunzite.

He put his hand on his chin.

"Hmm," he repeated.

Zoisite left him, and started throwing stuff on a plate.

"Wowee," said Motoki, hovering over him suddenly. "You're sure a hungry guy! You might want to take it down a notch, you'll run me out of business, haha!"

"Shut up, beam boy," said Zoisite. "The sign said, 'All you can eat!' Is that a lie?"

"No," said Motoki. "I-I just didn't account for people with such big appetites, so…"

"So, can it," said Zoisite.

"You'll fill up before dessert!" pleaded Motoki.

"No," said Zoisite. "I'll make room."

He filled his plate until it could be filled no more, and then, holding the plate in one hand, picked up another plate with the other hand.

He walked over to the desserts.

"Hey Jed," said Zoisite. "Let me get some banana pudding."

"No can do," said Jadeite, scooping it out with an ice cream scooper.

"Jadeite," said Zoisite. "Are you going to eat anything besides banana pudding? Why would you come to a buffet?"

"You can't make it as good," said Jadeite. "This pudding recipe is super secret. I looked for it online for hours. Sadly this is just the best pudding in the universe, and I can't waste time eating inferior garbage."

"Alright," said Zoisite. "I'm not one to judge. At least you picked something, unlike young Kunzite over there."

Kunzite looked over at Zoisite's plate full of food, and Jadeite's trough of banana pudding.

"Lucky," he said. "I wish I was so simple as to mindlessly grab food. We geniuses have it hard."

Zoisite and Jed headed back to the table to see Beryl eating a salad.

"Really?" said Jadeite. "A salad. Are you confused?"

"I think Beryl's lost it," said Zoisite.

"No," said Beryl. "I need to watch my figure. I don't get much exercise sitting on my throne and all, so…"

"That's unfortunate that Motoki scammed money out of all of you," said Zoisite. "The only ones getting our money's worth is me and Nephrite. Kunzite hasn't eaten anything, and Jadeite McDumb over here is only eating pudding."

"Quiet," said Jed. "I'm the only one who knows the meaning of life."

"Say," said Beryl. "I haven't seen you eat a single thing, Zoisite. You just keep coming back with big plates, but you haven't eaten a bite."

"Shhhh," said Zoisite. "It's a secret operation. Don't let the Motokis hear you. It's supposed to be all you can eat, so they have to think I'm eating it."

Zoisite got up and dumped his plate in the garbage in the split second both Motokis blinked simultaneously.

"Mmm, good!" said Zoisite, rubbing his stomach.

He grabbed a marshmallow and ate it. "Not bad," he said.

Then he grabbed a stack of three plates and got to work.

"Ouch," said Motoki. "Go easy on that lobster, young one!"

But Zoisite ignored him and in fact took 12 more lobsters.

He arrived at the steak section behind Nephrite.

Nephrite ordered a steak and left.

"Alright," said Zoisite. "I'll have 3 medium rares, 2 medium well medium rares, 2 well done, 2 medium well, 4 rares… hmm, did I say medium rares already?"

"Sorry," said Motoki. "One steak at a time. Please."

"Fine," said Zoisite. "One medium rare."

Motoki handed it to him.

"One medium rare," said Zoisite again.

"Nice try," said Motoki. "Go eat your grub, kid."

"How unfortunate," said Zoisite. "Looks like I'll need to grab some more lobster."

Motoki flinched, and Zoisite headed to his seat.

Motoki scurried over to his sister.

"Look at that guy," he said. "He's gotten so much food, but he's still eating!"

"Yes," said Motoki's sister. "He must have hit the buffet table ten times today, and he's not lightly filling his plates, either."

"There's no way," said Motoki. "He's such a small guy, how is he eating so much food?!"

"Maybe he's training for an eating competition," offered Motoki's sister.

Motoki turned back to Zoisite to see that his plate was empty.

"No way!" he said. "There's no way! Something fishy is going on! We have to keep a close eye on him."

Zoisite spotted Motoki glaring daggers at him.

"Shoot," said Zoisite. "He's getting suspicious. If only I had a big appetite, I could actually eat all the food and not throw every single drop in the garbage."

Nephrite was working a chicken leg.

"Hmm," he said. "This might have been a bad decision. Yes, I acted too compulsively. It is foolish to fill up on one thing."

"Yeah," said Jadeite, with his face covered in banana pudding like one who got a pie in the face.

Nephrite walked up to the trash can and threw away the chicken leg he only took one bite out of.

"AHA!" screamed Motoki, flying at him like a wild man.

"Woah!" said Nephrite. "Easy there."

"Sir," said Motoki. "Please don't get anything you won't be eating."

"Fine," said Nephrite. "I thought I'd like that chicken leg, but it was sub-par. Not up to my standards."

"Shut up," sneered Motoki, getting a little rowdy. "I know you and your band of hoodlums are trying to run me out of business. Be on guard, boy!"

Nephrite just shook his head sadly. "Whatever you say, young one."

Nephrite passed Kunzite on the way back, who had now become a statue.

"Hey Kunzite," said Nephrite.

Kunzite didn't respond.

"He's gone," said Nephrite.

"What did Motoki say to you?" said Zoisite at the table.

"He said to not take things I won't eat," explained Nephrite.

"Haha," said Zoisite. "You should have waited until he blinked to throw away that chicken leg."

"More banana pudding!" called Motoki's sister, laying down a fresh tray.

Jadeite pranced up, still eating banana pudding.

He took the tray and left.

"Woah," said Motoki's sister. "You can't really take the buffet trays…"

"Don't worry," said Jadeite. "I'll return it when I'm ready for next round."

Motoki kept his eyes on Zoisite as he nibbled on a taco shell.

"This isn't good," said Zoisite. "He hasn't blinked for ten minutes."

That's when Motoki's eyes gave out, and when they reopened, Zoisite's taco shell, as well as his entire tray of food was gone.

"Hey!" said Motoki. "Where'd that food go?"

"Don't worry about it," said Zoisite. "It went where all food goes."

He walked up and got another tray.

"Gee," he said. "I guess I can squeeze in one more round. Gotta get my money's worth!"

Zoisite returned ten minutes later.

"Gosh," he said. "I guess I can go for one more."

He filled up his plate and left.

"Wow, my appetite amazes me," said Zoisite, walking up to the buffet and grabbing another full tray. "I could eat a horse!"

Nephrite got mad when there were no french fries left.

"I guess I'll have to settle for mac and cheese," he decided. "Zoisite needs to calm down. It wasn't that bad of a fate having to pay for food. I've certainly got my money's worth."

"I'm full," said Beryl.

"You ate too slowly," said Nephrite, shaking his head. "You have to eat fast and furious so you can consume as much food as possible before your body starts to feel full."

"No," said Beryl. "I've had enough. I guess I'll settle on some pudding or something."

"Not banana pudding," said Jadeite, with his face in the tray. "Motoki's sister still hasn't made another batch."

"That's because you have the tray, bozo," said Nephrite.

"Shoot!" remembered Jadeite. "I have to finish up quickly!"

"I tried the banana pudding," said Nephrite. "It's not that good."

Jadeite threw a wild punch, followed by a scattered barrage of blows.

"Ey!" said Nephrite, blocking. "I'm allowed to have my own opinion on food."

"Why did you taste the banana pudding?!" yelled Jadeite. "All of it was for me! And it is in fact the best thing ever, you idiot face!"

"AAAHHHH!" said Nephrite. "Calm down, boy."

Beryl came back with some vanilla ice cream.

The Shitennou just shook their heads.

"You just don't get it," said Nephrite. "If you want frozen yogurt, go to a frozen yogurt place."

"It's ice cream," said Beryl.

"Same thing," said Nephrite. "Amateur."

Jadeite licked the platter clean and then headed up to the desserts.

"Good eats," he said, returning the tray to Motoki's sister.

Motoki's sister just glared at him, so Jadeite left.

"Shoot," he said. "Now I have to wait."

Jadeite stood at a distance and eyed Motoki's sister as she casually whipped up a banana pudding.

"It's like she has all the time in the world," said Jadeite angrily. "I'll have to try some other food while I wait."

Jadeite walked over to the French fries, and grabbed some with his hand instead of using the tongs.

"Hey," said Motoki. "Don't do that."

"Hey," said Jadeite. "I'm wearing gloves."

"When was the last time you washed the gloves?" said Motoki.

Jadeite ignored him.

Kunzite, to everyone's shock, suddenly reached for a slice of pizza.

But Jed came barreling through, and Kunzite was startled and retracted his hand.

"No, no," said Kunzite. "This isn't right. Pizza at a buffet? What was I thinking? Thank you, young Jadeite."

"No problem," said Jadeite.

He sat back down at the table.

"Nice," said Nephrite. "Actual food. But I question your choices."

"Mmm," said Jadeite, sampling a French fry. "Not half bad. But I can't fill up on garbage. Anyone want my extra fries?"

"Pile 'em on," said Zoisite.

Jadeite had to stand up to put the fries on Zoisite's huge pile of food.

Zoisite was getting antsy, and started watching Motoki like a hawk.

"Come on boy, blink!" thought Zoisite.

That's when Motoki's eyes started to close, and Zoisite flew out of his seat and towards the trash.

But it was a fakeout blink, and Motoki's eyes shot open.

"AHAAAAAAAA!" he yelled, as Zoisite froze at the trashcan with a plate of food.

"I got you!" yelled Motoki.

"Got what?" said Zoisite. "I just came to throw out the tails of my shrimp."

Zoisite ate a shrimp and threw a tail in the garbage.

"This food's so good I couldn't part with it, so I brought it to the trash with me."

"I'm watching you," said Motoki. "I can sense your muscle movements."

"Alright, weirdo," said Zoisite.

He sat back down in his seat, and sighed a breath of relief.

"That was a close one," he said. "Good thing I'm so quick on my feet."

Motoki's sister quietly placed the banana pudding down, hoping no one would spot it.

Jadeite jogged up, and took out a plate.

"I think you've had enough," said Motoki's sister finally, being past the point of self-restraint.

Jadeite turned to her, and stared at her for a very long time with a sad expression.

"Why?" said Jadeite finally.

"Uh…" said Motoki's sister. "You can save some for other people who want to try it, you know? It's not fair for one person to monopolize a whole item."

"Oh," said Jadeite.

He left.

"Uh," said Motoki's sister, starting to feel a little bad. "You can have some chocolate pudding!"

"It's not the same," said Jadeite sadly.

He sat back down at the table.

"Rough," said Beryl.

"Zoisite," said Jadeite. "Go fetch me some pudding."

"Mm," said Zoisite. "I would gladly go steal you a full tray, but I'm being held down by this plate still like a ball and chain. I can't grab more food until I ditch it, but that devil Motoki has put on sunglasses so I can't keep tabs on his blinks."

"D'aww," said Jadeite. "Is my life over?"

"Hmm," said Zoisite. "I have a plan that can benefit both of us. You go distract the Motokster, while I ditch this plate. Then I'll go get you some pudding."

"Good idea!" said Jed.

Jadeite went up to Motoki. "Medium well," he said.

"Ah," said Motoki. "Good choice, my look-alike."

Zoisite watched cautiously, but Motoki kept his eyes on Zoisite even as he handed Jadeite his steak.

"It's now or never," thought Zoisite. "I only have one shot at this."

During a split second where Motoki's eyes focused somewhere else, Zoisite threw his plate under a nearby booth.

"Phew," he said, wiping the sweat from his brow. "That was close."

Zoisite stood up and grabbed Jadeite's tray of banana pudding. He also grabbed many other trays of pudding and cake.

"Can't finish a big meal without dessert!" he said to Motoki's sister.

"Good work," said Jadeite, as they both rendezvoused at the table. "But what do I do with this steak?"

"What cook is it?" asked Nephrite.

"Medium well," said Jadeite.

"Oh, never mind," said Nephrite. "Fool."

Using the under-the-table strategy, Zoisite disposed of the other desserts.

He went back up to the main buffet.

"Mmm, second wind!" he said, going in for more lobster.

Motoki was starting to get heated.

"Look!" he said. "I know this buffet is all you can eat, but we did not create that slogan with eating contest participants in mind!"

"Sorry," said Zoisite. "No eating contest, though. I'm just hungry."

"Are you human!?" said Motoki.

"No," said Zoisite. "Well, kind of. More humanoid than anything."

Zoisite disposed of the food when Motoki had to flip a steak.

Zoisite no longer had enough time to get to the trashcan, and was shoving it all under a nearby table.

"Hey, watch it," said Nephrite. "You almost got cake on my boots."

"Quiet," said Zoisite.

Nephrite was nibbling a slice of tiramisu, and several items from the chocolate fountain.

"Smart man," said Beryl enviously, now that she had filled up on garbage.

Zoisite tossed another round under the table, but apparently the room under the booth was completely filled, and the food ended up in the aisle.

"Oh no!" said Zoisite.

That's when, against all odds, Motoki's sister came up with a broom.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" she screamed.

Motoki sprinted up. "What's wrong?!"

"EEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Motoki's sister.

"Uh oh," said Zoisite. "Busted."

They slid away the table to reveal enough food to feed a starving country.

"RAAAAAAH!" screamed Motoki's sister. "How dare you waste so much good food!?"

"Okay food," corrected Nephrite, eating a strawberry.

"AND YOU!" said Motoki's sister. "Where did you get the banana pudding?!"

"Uh oh," said Jadeite, with pudding in his mouth.

He was caught red-handed but did not stop eating.

"OOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTT!" screamed Motoki. "GET OUT, ALL OF YOU!"

"Even me?" said Nephrite.

"Yes, especially you!" said Motoki. "You condoned this kind of behavior and did not report it to the authorities."

"Whatever," scoffed Nephrite. "I was full anyway. I got my money's worth, and that's all that matters."

"Me too," said Beryl. "Well, I didn't get my money's worth, but I am full."

Jadeite took his bowl of pudding and walked out with the other two.

Zoisite lagged behind.

"What a sad fate," he said to Motoki. "I didn't want it to be this way."

Motoki just shook his head. "You knew what you were doing."

"Alright, alright," said Zoisite. "Catch ya later!"

He went to leave, but then he threw himself at the entrees.

He picked up a tray of mashed potatoes and threw it on the ground.

He kicked it over because it landed without spilling.

"EUUGHUU!" screamed Motoki.

Zoisite, knowing it was all or nothing, moved at a quick pace, and grabbed the full tray of macaroni and threw it into the wall.

He then picked up a chair and broke it.

He reached for the salsa, and threw it high into the air.

"LOOOOOK OOOOUUUUUT!" screamed Motoki to his sister.

But Motoki's sister had completely shut down when she saw all the wasted food, and took the salsa to the face.

She died shortly after.

Zoisite reached for the chicken, but suddenly someone got him in a full nelson.

"Hey, back off!" said Zoisite. "All you can eat, remember!?"

But Motoki had him locked in a death grip, with a power level 1 million times his true power thanks to his anger.

"AAAHHHHH!" screamed Zoisite. "Kunzite, help!"

But Kunzite was still in his trance, and was no longer classified as a living being.

Motoki got so heated he lifted Zoisite off the ground, and slammed him into the rails where one would keep their plate while filling it.

"Owwww!" screamed Zoisite.

He stood up and shot a beam, as Motoki charged with a wild wild wild punch.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" wailed Motoki.

He went flying with the beam, somehow at such an angle that all the food in the buffet was eliminated.

Motoki hit the ground with a thud.

Motoki was deceased.

"Goodbye," said Zoisite. "Old friend."

Nephrite peaked his head back in the buffet. "Zoisite, why didn't you come out?"

Nephrite saw that everything was in ruins. "Shoot," he said. "I totally would have come back here one day."

"Let's go, Kunzite," said Zoisite, pulling the statue along with him.

Kunzite was now a statue and was placed in the middle of the Negaverse courtyard.

"Buffets aren't for everyone," concluded Nephrite.

FIN


	203. Art Theft!

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Jadeite, what do you think of my sprite sheet?" asked Beryl.

She pulled it up on her crystal ball.

"Hmm," said Jadeite. "They're a little small."

"That's the point," said Beryl.

"Wait," said Jadeite. "Didn't you just rip these from a game?"

"Yes," said Beryl. "What do you think of my rip?"

"Hmm," said Jadeite. "Not the best rip. I've seen better rips of the same sprite sheet."

"Shut up," said Beryl. "I don't need you undermining me. You'll never find a rip from this game that used the same shade of red for the background."

"True," said Jadeite. "But the background color is meaningless."

"You are dismissed," said Beryl curtly.

Jadeite left. He was surprised she was not madder.

"Hrm," thought Jadeite, making a sharp U-turn toward the Nega computer lounge. "All this talk about sprites is making me want to finish my flash series."

He sat down at one of the desktops and opened his $500 video editor.

"Ah!" he said. "I only have a little more to add! I need to put in Bowser."

Jeddo hopped on Spriters' Resource, and went into the DS game section.

He found a good bowser sprite sheet and tossed it a download.

He then used it and completed his flash series. He uploaded the series straight to YouTube, and then he waited.

One second later, there was a comment.

"Oooh!" said Jadeite. "I worked long and hard on the series. I hope it is a comment telling me how good it is."

Jadeite read the comment.

It was from some sort of goony man.

Jadeite began out loud. "Read the bottom corner of your sprite sheet," the comment stated.

"Odd boy," said Jadeite. "But I'll humor the kid."

Jadeite looked at the bottom corner of his bowser sprite sheet.

It read, "Use: Yes. Permission: Yes."

"Huh?" said Jadeite out loud. "Do they expect me to credit them for ripping a sprite sheet from a game? If I should credit anyone, it should be Nintendo, and their workers who actually made the sprites."

Jadeite replied this in a comment.

But the goon soon sent a rebuttal.

"I spent a very long time putting these sprites in order," the kid said. "You need to ask permission to use them!"

"No," replied Jadeite. "They're not yours. You didn't ask Nintendo for permission!"

"Listen, kid," said the man. "You need to ask permission and then credit me, or I will report you to Spriters' Resource."

"So?" asked Jadeite. "I don't even post there. What are ya gonna do, IP ban me from the website?"

"Alright pal, I give you permission," said the dope. "But you gotta re-upload your video and put credits in the beginning, or I will report you to YouTube."

"I will do no such thing," replied Jadeite. "My video already has 13 views. I could have easily ripped that sheet myself."

"Don't say I didn't warn you," said the man.

But Jadeite wouldn't let him go.

"What are ya gonna do, kid?" asked Jed. "You can't make me credit you for something you do not own! You can report me to Nintendo, but then you'll get in trouble too!"

It took very long for the guy to respond.

"It's unethical," was his final resolve.

"AHAHAHAHAHHAH!" laughed Jadeite loudly. "You can't do a thing! AHAHAAHA!"

"Keep it down," said Queen Beryl, a few computers over.

Jadeite looked at her screen. She was watching Clarence.

Jadeite looked away and said nothing.

* * *

Kunzite loaded up his fan ROM.

"This needs something," he said. "Ah, I know! It needs the X and Y series Pokemon, but sadly the regular DS can't handle 3D models, and it would be too hard to code in. I need 2D sprites of the 3D Pokemon!"

Kunzite Googled "2D X and Y sprites," and downloaded them all.

"Ah, I'm so glad someone went and did this to help people out! I'm in a good mood, so I guess I'll credit them, even though of course I don't have to, since there's nothing they can do."

Kunzite finished off his fan ROM and posted it to the internet.

As the game loaded, it began with, "I would like to give a special thanks to the artist Yumemi Yumeno for providing the 2D sprites of the 3D Pokemon used in this ROM."

But the instant he posted a video of his ROM, there was a comment.

"What the hell?!" said Kunzite. "Do you people just sit around waiting for people to use your sprites? What's the point of posting them if it comes down to this every time?!"

"Excuse me," began the comment by Yumemi. "You are not allowed to use those sprites. Please check the terms of service before making the same mistake again."

"Check the beginning of the video," replied Kunzite. "I credited you."

Yumemi Yumeno replied with a head-shaking emote. "You are not allowed to use my sprites. Take them down."

"No!" said Kunzite. "I gave you credit!"

"Thank you," said Yumemi. "But no thank you. I didn't give you permission to use these!"

"Well I'm going to use them," said Kunzite.

"No," said Yumemi. "That is art theft."

"ART THEFT?!" yelled Kunzite. "Art theft! You made sprites of a copyrighted character! Are you gonna sue me, kid?! Cuz then Nintendo will have to sue you!"

Yumemi Yumeno did not reply right away, so Kunzite sent another comment.

"I don't have to credit anything you post for everyone on the internet. If it was something original, that'd be a different story," said Kunzite. "But it's not. You just drew a picture of someone else's work! Art theft!"

Yumemi Yumeno blocked Kunzite, and then she came on another account.

"Do not download this fan ROM. Uses stolen sprites."

Kunzite deleted the comment, and blocked the channel.

"Unbelievable," he said. "Foolish humans."

Kunzite turned off the computer and went back to his castle.

"Unbelievable," he kept saying. "Why would someone even spend the time to make 2D sprites of 3D models? There's zero point! The models are obviously superior!"

* * *

"Free download! Smash 2 texture pack for Smash 3!" Nephrite titled his video.

"Wow, what a great pack," he thought to himself. "Project M will never be the same!"

Instantly, there was a comment, from none other than Melvin.

"Seriously," said Nephrite. "Do you guys just sit here all day?"

"Is that MY Ganondorf?" asked Melvin.

"I don't know," said Nephrite. "I just downloaded it from the vault."

"You didn't credit me!" said Melvin.

"Yes," said Nephrite. "I just downloaded it to be part of the pack, and then I added the armor to it."

"That's MY Ganondorf," said Melvin. "You NEED to credit me!"

"No," said Nephrite. "Nintendo owns the character Ganondorf. You don't own anything."

"I spent hours on that Ganondorf," said Melvin. "Hours of labor, on modeling the perfect Smash 2 Ganondorf!"

"It's your fault for spending hours on something that's already copyrighted, and then posting it on the worldwide web. You should have just used the Ganondorf from Smash 2! I mean they look exactly the same, how can you even tell that it's yours?"

"I can recognize my Ganondorf anywhere. I spent more time with that Ganondorf than I spent with my mom!" yelled Melvin.

"Dumb kid," replied Nephrite. "Why spend so long when no one but you can tell the difference?"

"MY Ganondorf," said Melvin, "I'm reporting you to Smash Vault."

"Do it," said Nephrite. "I don't even have an account there. What are you gonna do, IP ban me from the website? I'll just spawn a new Wi-Fi box!"

"I'll tell Molly that you used MY Ganondorf without credit!" howled Melvin virtually. "ART THEEEEFT!"

"Molly's not an idiot," said Nephrite. "Don't make me end you."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT TTTTTTTTTTTTHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!"

Nephrite started to get heated. "No!" he said. "You stole the character from Nintendo! It doesn't matter if you change it up a bit! In fact Nintendo doesn't even allow you to! You're hacking the game illegally!"

"ART THEFT!" Melvin began to spam on three different accounts.

Nephrite had to block them all.

* * *

"Hey guys," said Kunzite, sitting down at the Shitennou table. "I just got accused of art theft. Unbelievable."

"What?" said Zoisite. "There's no such thing! Did you actually steal a painting from a museum or something?"

"No," said Kunzite. "Even worse. I stole someone's 2D Fennekin apparently, even though I credited them."

"Why'd you credit them?" demanded Zoisite. "They can't do anything if you don't! Pokemen are owned by Nintendo anyway!"

"That's what I said," said Kunzite. "But she was persistent and then she blocked me."

"Ah!" said Nephrite. "Something similar happened to me today! I got accused of art theft for stealing someone's Ganondorf."

"Nonsense," said Zoisite. "Someone can't have a Ganondorf, even if they did spend the hard work modeling it. They knew that risk when they started the project, and posted it online! Fools!"

"I have an even sadder tale," said Jadeite. "All I did was use sprites from a game, but apparently I needed to ASK for PERMISSION! And not from the game's creators, but some kid who ripped the sprites. Because apparently ripping is some sort of great feat!"

"I hate that!" said Kunzite. "I hate when people put on sprite sheets that you can use it without asking for permission! And they point it out, like they're doing you some kind of great service! The same goes for crediting!"

"I've had enough of this," said Zoisite. "It's time to strike back."

"I agree," said Jed. "But how?"

"We should steal as much art as we can, and accuse everyone else of art theft! And then also post stuff, and bait them into using our stuff, and then accuse them of art theft for that! We'll give them all a taste of their own medicine for being such snarky bastards, with their 2D Fennekins and their 3D Ganondorfs!" exclaimed Zoisite.

Everyone got riled and they all stormed down to the Nega computer lounge.

Beryl was still sitting there.

She heard footsteps, and quickly switched to the Google Chrome homepage.

"Phew," she said. "I'll finish you tomorrow, Clarence my boy."

Beryl left.

The Shitennou sat down on computers, and began typing silently.

Nephrite uploaded a video to YouTube.

It was called, "Ganondorf Pack for Smash," and it was just color swaps of Melvin's model.

Nephrite refreshed the page, and there was already a comment.

"Is this some sort of joke?!" squawked Melvin. "You used MY Ganondorf! 30 times! With this many Ganondorfs, there should be a five minute credit, but there is none to be seen! Not even in the description, which is already considered shameful by modeler standards!"

"Huh?" replied Nephrite. "This is my Ganondorf."

Melvin did not respond for a very very long time.

After 2 hours, he responded with just "No."

"Sadly, it's true," said Nephrite. "I made this Ganondorf myself. It's MY Ganondorf!"

After 2 more hours, Melvin replied with 30 Imgur links.

"These are all my partial saves from while I was constructing the Ganondorf!" he wrote. "This is proof I made it!"

"No," said Nephrite. "Those are my partial saves. You hacked my computer!"

"No," was the only response.

"I've got him on the ropes now, boys!" said Nephrite out loud.

"Good work," said Zoisite.

Jadeite got to work.

He downloaded the Undertale game.

"Let's see how hard it really is to rip a sprite sheet," said Jadeite.

He ripped the sprite sheet.

"Hmm," he said. "These sprites are out of order. Let me put in 10 full minutes of effort putting them in order."

Jed did just that, and put them in order. He finished ahead of time with 2 minutes to spare.

"Alright, done," he said. "Now for the best part," he said getting giddy.

He drew a big box in the corner of the sprite sheet.

He had to stop, because he got so giddy that he had to take several deep breaths to keep from losing control.

Then, he wrote in big letters, "Use: No. Permission: No. Credit: Yes."

Jadeite started having spasms, but he maintained control and uploaded it to Spriters' Resource.

"Don't lose track of who you are," reminded Kunzite. "Don't let yourself become one of them."

Jadeite nodded.

Then he waited.

"Huh," he said. "I guess I have to actively look for people using my sprites. I don't know how people instantly find this stuff. Do they spend all day on YouTube, just searching for someone using their sprites?"

Jadeite checked the YouTube, and sure enough, someone posted an Undertale video using a sprite of Sans.

Jadeite stood up and screamed, and then he sat back down.

He took more deep breaths so he could steady his hands to type.

All he typed was, "I did not give you permission to use my sprites, and you did not credit me either! It's over for you!"

The young child replied soon after. "Sorry, I'll credit you right away."

"Sickening," said Jadeite. "No backbone. They need to understand that I can't do anything about it."

Jadeite pressed on. "That's not good enough. You need to ask permission!"

"May I use your sprites?" asked the person.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Jadeite.

He refreshed the video and it was taken down.

Jadeite just shook his head sadly. "Too bad."

He went back to work.

He went on every single Undertale video ever, including gameplay videos, and accused everyone of art theft.

"I ripped these sprites myself," one defiant boy scoffed.

"No," said Jadeite. "You stole these, and now you're claiming them as yours! That's the worst kind of art theft!"

"Actually," said the boy, who was way smarter than the rest. "These are owned by Tommy Fax, the creator of Undertale."

"No," said Jadeite. "He stole them from me. Let me have a word with this Tommy."

Jadeite went on Tommy Fax's Steam page, and accused him of art theft.

"Those are my ripped sprites," said Jadeite. "I did not give you permission to use them in your game. Don't make me ban you from Steam!"

Jadeite refreshed the page, and the game Undertale was taken down.

Jadeite just shook his head. "No backbone," he said. "Art thieves these days, they're very spineless."

Meanwhile, Zoisite had just finished uploading his YouTube vid.

It was just 20 seconds of a black screen.

The video was called, "Black Screen – Credit if Used."

Then Zoisite went onto every video ever that either had a black background, faded to black at any point in time, or included the color black.

"ART THIEVES!" howled Zoisite.

He created a bot to say this on every single YouTube video ever made, and then considered copyrighting the black screen itself.

"Then it will really be art theft," thought Zoisite. "But nah, let's see where this goes."

He went back on YouTube, and there was not a single video left, except for Nephrite and Kunzite's videos, who refused to give credit to anyone, and would not back down to a threat because they knew no one could do anything.

"Hey, a new vid!" said Zoisite.

"Ah," said Nephrite. "That's a good one."

Zoisite opened it up.

It was called, "Art Thief Steals MY Ganondorf," and it was a video accusing the user Melvin of stealing a Ganondorf.

The only comment belonged to Melvin, who said, "IT'S MYYYYYY GANONDORF! You can't claim it as your own! And you especially can't accuse me of ART THEFT!"

"Hey," said Zoisite to Nephrite. "You used my art."

"Shut up," said Nephrite. "You can't do anything about it."

"Heh," said Zoisite.

Then his eyes widened.

"Guys," he said. "Look at the YouTube home page."

Nephrite typed YouTube into the address bar.

"What the heck?" he said. "It won't load!"

"Yes," said Zoisite. "They took it down. It had black on it."

"Shoot!" said Nephrite. "Hey wait, this page that says the website is down has black on it!"

Suddenly the screen went blank white.

"Ah," said Zoisite. "I'm glad Windows backed down. But it's unfortunate how spineless the company is."

There was a beep on Nephrite's computer, and he checked his email.

"MY Ganondorf!" was the title of a video that was sent to him.

Nephrite opened the video, but it was just Melvin ending his life.

In the background was a poster of Ganondorf.

"Yikes," said Nephrite. "It's okay though, because the internet is gone."

"Hey," said Zoisite, looking over Nephrite's shoulder. "Is that kid using my color?"

"Yes," said Nephrite. "But I don't think he can give you credit where he is."

Zoisite teleported to heaven.

"Wow," said Zoisite. "I've never been here, despite the many times I've died."

He spotted Melvin on the big PC in the sky.

"Hey kid," said Zoisite. "You didn't credit me on your suicide vid."

"Leave me alone," said Melvin. "I'm in a place where my Ganondorf can't get stolen."

Zoisite looked at Melvin's computer. He was modeling a Smash 2 Ganondorf.

"Never give up," said Zoisite.

He left Melvin alone, and instead headed for the higher ups.

"What is this?" he demanded. "You guys have used my color here and there, and you don't have my permission! Art theft!"

"Can I have permission?" asked the Almighty.

Zoisite shook his head.

"Oh," said the Almighty.

He threw a punch, ending heaven, and then took his own life.

"Ah," said Zoisite. "No backbone."

Zoisite teleported back to the Negaverse.

"Oooh," he said. "You used a lot of my color here. I might have to take this up with Beryl."

"Don't push your luck," said Kunzite. "Sit down and tell me what you think of my 4D Fennekin."

"Nice," said Zoisite. "I'm gonna use it."

"You better credit me," said Kunzite.

"Heh heh," said Zoisite.

"I'm not joking," said Kunzite. "I spent many long hours on my Fennekin."

Meanwhile, Jadeite was working on his own project.

He uploaded his custom sprite rip.

"Hmm," he said, getting giddy. "Now to wait for someone to use it without crediting me."

Someone used it, without crediting him, and Jadeite went out for blood.

Jadeite teleported to the thief's home.

"Ah, Motoki," said Jadeite. "Been using a lot of sprites lately?"

A bead of sweat rolled down Motoki's forehead.

He tried to run, but Jadeite threw a kick.

Motoki was still clinging to life, so Jadeite gave him a beating he would never forget.

He fired lightning out of his palms, roasting Motoki to death.

Motoki had nowhere to ascend to, so he descended to hell.

"Noooooooooooooo!" yelled Motoki, as he was taken in a beam to hell.

"Heh," said Jed. "Don't steal art. Sprite thief."

That's when Jadeite spotted Motoki's computer, where the criminal YouTube vid he had made was still playing.

The video reached its final second.

"Sprites ripped by Jadeite," it concluded.

"Oh," said Jadeite. "He did credit me. D'ah. He didn't ask for permission, so I guess it's okay to murder him."

FIN


	204. The Negatanic

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Hot diggity dog!" said Beryl. "Tell me your new source."

"Alright," said Jadeite with a smirk. "I will take the energy from lovers, with a lovers' cruise. I'll take everyone out to sea on my majestic cruise ship, the biggest and best in the entire world! And then they'll have nowhere to run!"

"Hmm," said Beryl. "Some of your plans seem to be getting repetitive."

"Shut up," said Jadeite. "I don't see you coming up with anything, genius."

Beryl was mad but didn't know how to express it.

"Alright, go ahead with the plan then," she resigned.

Jadeite nodded, and then took off into the Negaverse halls.

But suddenly, he skidded to a halt, and did a double take when he saw Zoisite camping the soda machine instead of Nephrite.

"What did you do to him?!" demanded Jadeite.

"Nothing," said Zoisite. "I'm just waiting for him to appear."

"Yeah right," said Jadeite. "If he was alive, he'd be here."

"Jadeite, I heard about your plan," said Zoisite. "And I want in."

"I don't know about that," said Jadeite. "Last time you and me had a chapter, we went off to live in the big city. And it did not go well."

"No," said Zoisite. "However, I believe the other Shitennou will be coming too."

"What makes you think that?" asked Jed.

"Just a hunch," said Zoisite.

Suddenly there was a splash of water.

"Fisheye?" asked Zoisite.

"No," said Thetis. "I am the Thetis."

"Hey," said Zoisite. "Is that a human in the Negaverse?!"

Thetis took her Youma form.

"No," said Thetis. "I can't allow you to go on that cruise with my Jadeite."

"Whose Jadeite?" asked Jadeite.

"Don't play hard to get," giggled Thetis.

"Sorry but this cruise is the event of the century," said Zoisite. "We can't have some primitive Youma messing it up."

"Primitive?!" demanded Thetis. "I am Queen Beryl's precious Youma, and one of the most intelligent out there."

"Nice," said Zoisite. "But I'm one of Beryl's most precious Shitennou! Our ranks are a world apart!"

"No," said Jadeite. "I think Endymion is her favorite Shitennou."

"No," said Zoisite. "He's her favorite person, but I'm her favorite Shitennou."

"I need to come, because I'm the only one who can turn a pile of garbage into a boat," argued Thetis.

"No," said Kunzite, who hears everything.

He teleported in in a flashy display.

"I can just spawn a boat, Jadeite," said Kunzite. "Nephrite spawned a house."

Nephrite was approaching his soda machine when he spotted some kind of carnival outside.

"What is this?!" demanded Nephrite. "Is this some kind of jamboree?"

"Yes," said Thetis.

That's when Zoisite fired a beam, and Thetis was no more.

Zoisite got rowdy and fired one at Nephrite.

Nephrite ate the beam and spit it back out, and Zoisite pretended that never happened.

"So Jadeite, when's the cruise?" asked Nephrite.

"No," said Jadeite. "This is my plan! You will just mess it up, and then take all the credit! But only if it's successful! If it's not, you'll tell Beryl you weren't even there! It's a lose-lose situation for me!"

"Easy now," said Zoisite. "What do you take us for? Some pack of hooligans?"

"Yes," said Jadeite.

"D'ah," said Zoisite.

"Don't worry," said Kunzite. "We won't meddle in your energy business. We're just coming for the luls."

"Hmm… I don't know," said Jadeite, still not convinced.

"I'll spawn you a boat since your Youma is dead," said Kunzite. "How's that sound, boy?"

"You drive a hard bargain," admitted Jadeite. "Fine. But don't draw any attention to yourselves, just enjoy the cruise. And make sure to show up dressed like a captain."

* * *

It was the day of the big cruise, and the boat left the dock.

"Hey Jed," said the Shitennou.

The only one who bothered putting on a costume was Nephrite, but it wasn't the right costume. It was just some kind of human jacket and pants.

"What are you posing as?!" demanded Jadeite. "Some kind of goofball?!"

"No," said Nephrite. "I'm Maxfield Stanton."

"So," said Zoisite. "We're taking love energy, right?"

"You're not taking anything," said Jadeite. "You said you wouldn't mess with my plan."

"Yeah, I did say that," said Zoisite. "However,"

Jadeite waited.

Zoisite didn't even bother finishing.

"I hate Zoisite," said Jadeite. "Why aren't you guys in costumes?"

"It's a disgrace to dress up as a sailor," said Kunzite.

"Noooo!" said Jadeite. "That's a different kind of Sailor uniform!"

"Eh," said Kunzite. "I don't do costumes. I'm not a clown."

"Watch it," warned Nephrite.

Jadeite looked around frantically. "How am I gonna ditch these guys?" he asked out loud.

Suddenly a wild human appeared.

"Howdy!" called Motoki. "Thank you for letting me ride your boat, cap'n!"

"Shut up," said Jadeite. "You paid money. Why would I not let you ride? And this was supposed to be a lovers' cruise, so why is a lonely boy like you here?"

"Nrrrr," said Motoki. "Actually, my wife Reika is here."

"That's a good one," said Jadeite. "Move along now."

"Hidy ho," said Melvin.

"We need to stop standing in the hall," said Nephrite.

"Hey Maxfield," said Melvin. "Who did you take as your date?"

"Shut up," said Nephrite.

"Did Molly reject you?" pursued Melvin.

"Did she reject you?" asked Nephrite.

"Yes," said Melvin. "But I'm here to find a girlfriend!"

"Good luck," said Jed. "Try not being such a dweeb."

"Oh I will!" promised Melvin. "Love, here I come!"

"Hey Nephrite," said Jadeite. "You hate that guy. Why don't you run along and go take his energy?"

"Hmm," said Nephrite. "No can do. This is your plan, Jadeite. I'm just a passive observer."

"Oh brother," said Jadeite. "Say, do you guys like fine dining?"

"Go on," said Zoisite.

"Well, there's a luxury buffet in the-"

The Shitennou were gone.

"Phew," said Jadeite. "Noisy bunch they are."

Jadeite took off to the captain's quarters.

But before that, he stood on the deck for a long time, feeling the ocean breeze.

"Mmmmmmmmm," he said. "If this Negaverse thing doesn't work out, I should become a sea captain!"

Jadeite walked up the steps, but bumped into someone on the way.

"Oh," apologized a woman. "You must be the captain."

"Why yes I am," said Jadeite proudly. "And what's your name, miss?"

"You can call me Haruna-sensei," said Haruna-sensei.

"Ah," said Jadeite. "I believe we've met before."

"No," said Haruna, not recognizing Captain Jed. "I'm pretty sure I'd recognize a tan man like yourself in Japan."

"True," said Jadeite. "So, are you here with a guy?"

"No," said Haruna sadly. "I just haven't found the one."

"It will get better," said Jadeite. "Wait a minute, why am I being so nice?"

"I don't know," said Haruna.

"Hmm," thought Jadeite. "It must be this tan disguise playing with my brain. Too much melanin."

Jadeite headed past Haruna.

"Goodbye," he said, not wanting to risk being nice again.

He sat down at the driver's seat, and piloted the ship for a long time.

"This is boring," he decided.

He put the ship on auto-steer and pulled out his graphing calculator.

He booted up his Pacman app, and began a very glitchy game that could not be completed.

"Heh heh," said Jadeite.

Suddenly there was a loud crash, and Ms. Haruna, who was standing across from Motoki who was cutting himself a piece of chicken, was thrown into the knife and sliced to pieces.

"AHHHHH!" screamed Motoki in horror. "OH MY GOODNESS!"

The Shitennou watched from their table.

"This is a fun cruise," said Zoisite.

But there was a bigger problem.

Jadeite ran down to the engine room.

"Oh no!" he thought. "Oh boy!"

He pulled the door open to see water rushing into the ship.

The Shitennou appeared.

"What's going on?" they demanded.

"I just filled up my buffet plate, just to have it go flying," complained Nephrite.

"I don't know," said Jadeite. "I just put the ship on auto-steer to play glitchy graphing calculator Pacman, and now water's flowing in!"

"Jadeite," said Zoisite slowly. "There is no auto-steer. There's an auto-pilot on a plane because there's no obstacles."

"AHHHH!" screamed Jadeite. He took a bucket, and started pouring the water out the window. But it kept flowing in.

"NOOOOOOO!" he said.

"Want some help?" asked Kunzite.

"We don't have time for that!" yelled Jadeite. "We're sinking!"

Jadeite ran upstairs to warn the passengers.

"Drat," said Kunzite. "I should have just patched the boat! But there's too much water now. Sad day."

"Attention!" yelled Jadeite over the microphone, interrupting the band that was playing. "We're going DOWWWWWN! AHHHHHH!"

Everyone started panicking.

"Don't panic!" yelled Jadeite, but everyone had already started and it was too late now.

They all headed for the lifeboats.

"Sorry," said a crew worker. "We don't have enough lifeboats for everyone on this boat, so women and children only!"

"Shoot!" said Mamoru Chiba. He put Usagi and Chibiusa on a lifeboat and took his own life like a real man.

"I'll never forget you, onii-sama!" cried Motoki's sister as she climbed on a lifeboat.

"I will always love you," promised Reika tearfully as she hopped on as well.

"I will wait for you in heaven," said Motoki.

He started to walk away, but then changed his mind.

Motoki went to hop on with them, but the crew members stopped him.

"We're sorry," they said. "But only women and children."

"NOOO!" said Motoki. "I need to live! For their sake!"

'I'll be fine," vowed Motoki's sister.

"Me too," said Reika.

"No, I can squeeze in!" yelled Motoki. He tried to get past the guys boarding people, but they pushed him back.

Motoki resorted to force, and tried to force his way through.

But they retaliated with their own display of force, and knocked Motoki to the ground.

"Have some class!" yelled a girl on the lifeboat.

'NOOOO!" screamed Motoki, getting angry. "Who are you guys to say who lives and who dies?!" he shouted at the boat loaders. "If I were you, I'd jump on the boat! Why do you care so much who gets on the boat when you're on the brink of death?! It should be every man for himself, winner takes all!"

"If we hopped on," said the guys, trying to speak logic to the crazed man, "Then no one could lower the boats. When we signed up for this job, we knew that we'd go down with our ship. And if we have to go down, we won't let some man escape instead of a woman or child."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Motoki. He threw himself as hard as he could, greatly injuring a crew member.

He then threw his body headfirst towards the boat.

But the other men that didn't board the lifeboats jumped in and held Motoki back.

"STOP IT, YOU ANIMALS!" yelled Motoki. "Don't you all want to live?!"

"No," said the men who had honor.

Motoki stormed off. "This isn't the end," he vowed.

The bottom floors of the ship were completely filled with water.

Chad died, because he was in the poor people's rooms on the lower floors.

"SHYYYYAAAA!" he wept.

"Wow," said Nephrite, as he and the other Shitennou stood amongst the chaos. "This is starting to be a tragedy."

That's when they spotted Melvin, who was dressed like a woman.

"Don't mind me!" said Melvin in a girl's voice. "Just a kind young girl trying to live on and give birth one day to keep the population growing!"

A crew member stopped him. They looked him over head-to-toe.

A bead of sweat dropped down Melvin's face, and he gulped.

"You're not a woman," the guy said finally.

"Yes I am," said Melvin. "I am a transsexual."

"Sorry," said the crew member. "Only biological girls and children."

"No!" said Melvin. "I'm a child! I'm young, like ten!"

"No," they said sadly, shaking their heads. "You look about 14, and that's the cut-off."

Melvin watched as they lowered the lifeboat he was standing near.

"Ok, fine," said Melvin. "I will die with dignity."

But then Melvin lost control, and screamed.

He threw himself off the boat faster than anyone could pick up, onto the partially lowered lifeboat.

He hit the boat with a loud thud, and clung onto the seat for dear life.

"Hey, get off!" said the girls.

"NOOOOO!" said Melvin. "I WANNA LIVE!"

But that's when the boat stopped lowering.

"I'm not lowering this thing any further until that delinquent gets off of it," stated a boat loader.

The girls thought the boat loader was bluffing, but as they sunk further and further, they realized it wasn't a bluff.

They tried to throw Melvin overboard, but he hung on to a woman and wouldn't let go.

Melvin firmly planted his face in someone's bust, and refused to get out.

They tried to throw that woman off as a sacrifice, but she clung to life.

"Please just get off!" begged the girls. "There's like 30 of us here!"

But Melvin didn't budge.

"Fine," said a crew member. "I guess you're all going to drown, because I'm not lowering this boat another inch until that selfish boy jumps off."

Melvin didn't budge until the very end, and remained planted on the lifeboat until it sunk along with the ship, taking out all 30 women and children, and him too.

Motoki observed this event unfold.

"Hmm," he said. "I can't jump on a lifeboat until it's completely lowered. But making the jump from here might kill me…"

Motoki nervously stared off the side of the boat at a lifeboat that just reached the water.

"I have to try," he decided. "If I leap into the boat and land on a woman, I have a 10% chance of living, which is more than I have now."

Motoki found a random girl, and walked up alongside her.

"Goodbye, my love," he said, loud enough for the crew and the other people to hear him.

He stood by the edge of the lifeboat, like he was watching her leave, but he remained there until the boat reached the water.

The crew would have never possibly suspected anything would happen, so they were thrown completely off-guard when Motoki tried to leap off into the lifeboat and land on a couple women.

However, some of the men had amazing reflexes, and grabbed Motoki back and threw him onto the ground.

They pummeled him to heck, and let him off with a warning.

"You can't throw away other people's lives for you own," said the honorable men. "Have some dignity, boy."

"Alright, alright," said Motoki sadly, getting to his feet.

He hung his head and yielded.

"Alright, I don't know what I was thinking," he said. "I won't try it again."

"Good," said the crew member.

That's when Motoki threw a leaping kick, tossing one of the crew members off the boat so that they could not stop him.

"Hey!" yelled one of the men. "You just killed that guy!"

"Too bad!" yelled Motoki. "That poor fool was going to die anyway!"

He threw a cyclone punch at the other crew member, and he assumably died from freezing once he hit the water.

Motoki did a belly flop onto the boat, but miscalculated his trajectory in his haste.

He slammed into the ice water and sunk down low.

They did not see him emerge, and he was assumed dead.

"Phew," said a girl on the boat. "Any more people and we would sink. We already took on 5 girls who were in the water, we're at our limit."

That's when a hand reached out of the pitch black water and grabbed onto the edge of the boat.

"AHHHHHH!" everyone shrieked.

Motoki started to pull himself aboard, but women tried to push him over with their legs.

Several feet were planted on Motoki's face, but he wasn't going down this close to life.

Despite the joint effort, Motoki threw himself aboard.

The women and kids tried to pry him off, but Motoki started swinging.

"Just let me stay!" yelled Motoki.

"NO!" cried the pack.

A kid bit Motoki's arm, and Motoki screamed.

He threw a grandslam, killing the child instantly.

He threw the child's corpse overboard.

"See?" he said. "Now we won't sink!"

But that just enraged the girls more.

They fought tooth-and-nail to get Motoki off the boat.

At one point they swept him off his feet, and tried to push him into the water headfirst.

But Motoki summoned all his divine power, and did a sit-up, throwing a headbutt into someone's head and cracking it open like an eggshell.

The women disposed of the weighty corpse, but fought on into the late hours of the night.

As the Negatanic turned 90 degrees and sunk into the ocean blue, Motoki finally managed to throw everyone off but one person.

"Please, no!" said the little boy. "Just let me live!"

That's when Motoki picked him up by the legs, and swung him in a circle.

He then threw him into the hard metal side of the boat, and the boy was pulled into the vortex and killed instantly.

"Phew," said Motoki. "Finally, a boat all to myself."

Suddenly, Motoki felt a strong rocking sensation.

"What the-" he began.

That's when all the girls grabbed onto one side of the boat, and sunk the devil's little lifeboat.

"NOO!" howled Motoki, as he was sent to a rude awakening in the ice water.

"Chilly," he said, seeing his own breath.

That's when something grabbed his legs from the aquatic abyss, and started pulling him down into a watery demise.

Motoki threw many kicks, and finally broke free.

The person who was pulling him did not emerge, and Motoki started doggy-paddling away.

He felt a couple hands reach for him, but narrowly dodged them.

Motoki kept swimming until he met the iceberg that sank the ship.

He hopped on, and waited for the rescue team.

"Selfish women," he said. "They just couldn't spare an extra spot on the boat."

The Negatanic was now 3/4ths sunk.

The Shitennou were hovering 20 feet above the water, with their heads hung down sadly, not wanting to watch so many demises.

A man dangled from the top of the ship. "PLEASE!" he yelled.

The Shitennou hoped he was not talking to them, and just remained floating in place, completely unmoving.

"Hey, floating men!" yelled a young girl who didn't quite make it on a lifeboat. "Please, keep me from the ocean blue! Just quickly swoop down like birds and pick me up!"

But the Shitennou were frozen in place like statues, no signs of motion to be found, like a still image or single-frame animation.

The man who was dangling from the boat pulled himself onto solid ground, and got ready to leap at ol' Kunzite.

A couple people followed suit, leaping at the Shitennou.

But sadly they couldn't gain nearly enough height.

Men decided to start stacking on each other's shoulders, however they still couldn't get the necessary height, and the Shitennou continued to stare down sadly at their sad attempts.

"If we save one, we have to save them all," said Zoisite sadly. "And that would be tedious."

"Too tedious," agreed Kunzite.

So they decided to stay in place like unmoving statues.

A still sculpture would have moved more than they were at that moment.

They didn't lift their heads once, and continued silently mourning even though there were still a couple that could be saved.

They remained floating until the ship was completely sunk.

"RIP," said Nephrite.

"Riperoo," said Zoisite.

"HEY!" shouted a voice. "HEEEEEY!"

Jadeite finally raised his head, hoping the voice was coming from a rescue ship.

Sadly it was just Motoki who was standing on the tip of an iceberg.

"Good work not saving anyway!" he called. "I would have done the same in your position!"

He gave a thumbs-up.

Zoisite considered firing a beam, but decided to let the boy live for his hard-fought efforts.

The Shitennou floated there sadly for 20 long hours, and many of the boat passengers died from the cold.

Finally a rescue ship picked everyone up.

"Heh," said Motoki living another day. "I did the right thing."

The Shitennou teleported back to the Negaverse.

"Did you get any energy?" asked Beryl.

"No," said Jadeite sadly, with his head still hung.

The Shitennou were still mourning.

"Why are you so upset?" said Beryl. "You just floated there while they all died. You could have saved many of them."

"It was their time," said Zoisite finally. "I'm not going on one of Jadeite's Negatanics ever again. I should have known by the name."

The Shitennou all left, still not looking up.

FIN


	205. The Perfect Plan

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"We're not doing energy today," said Beryl. "We have much more important matters, AKA the Silver Imperial Crystal!"

"Ah," said Jadeite. "I have traumatic memories of that bad boy. Alright, well, cya later, Beryl!"

"No," said Beryl. "You need to help steal the crystal from Sailor Moon!"

"Sorry," said Jadeite. "Not in my jurisdiction. If I pass Nephrite by the soda machine, I'll be sure to send him in."

Jadeite took off, but the door shut in front of him.

"How'd you do that?!" demanded Jadeite. "Some kind of sorcery?"

"Yes," said Beryl. "My crystal ball doubles as a universal remote."

"Wow," said Jadeite. "That must be handy if you lose the remote on movie night."

"Indeed," said Beryl. She blew her whistle, and the Shitennou were summoned.

"Shitennou," said Beryl.

"Yes," said Kunzite, speaking for the Shitennou.

"You have been doing a lousy job. Jadeite," she began. "Your energy plans need some work. The only good one was that gym one, but that easily could have been a throwaway one. You're too busy holding your ball of energy instead of cashing it in. There were several events that happened over a long period of time. You don't know when to pull out."

"I disagree," said Jadeite. He left it at that, and Beryl continued.

"Nephrite," she said. "While you did steal a lot of love energy from your girlfriend Molly, all your other plans were silly, and involved too much walking around as a human. In conclusion, both you and Jadeite are not thinkers."

"The universe was not created in one day," said Nephrite.

"Can it," said Beryl. "And actually it was. Have you been hitting the books?"

"I have been hitting the stars," said Nephrite. "And they know all."

"Wrong," said Beryl. "If they did, you would have energy."

Nephrite was floored. He hit the ground with a thud and did not recover.

"Zoisite," said Beryl.

Zoisite braced himself for the afterlife.

"Although you were different from the others, you still ultimately failed," said Beryl. "But you're clearly the smartest Shitennou. You received all seven Rainbow Crystals, which is a very commemorable feat. However, things did not work out in your favor."

"Bad luck," said Zoisite. "But honestly it went a lot better than I thought it would."

Then Beryl turned to Kunzite.

"Kunzite," she said. "You were a complete idiot, and all your plans were stupid. You're probably the dumbest Shitennou."

"That's not nice," said Zoisite.

"You're a lucky man for scoring such a smart boy like Zoisite," stated Beryl. "If you were still in school, you would have no trouble with your math homework."

"Hey now," said Kunzite. "My plans were not dumb. I put a lot of thought into them."

"You had the simplest job," said Beryl. "All you had to do was find out Sailor Moon's identity. Those two lunkheads even figured that out with a bit of thought."

"Heh," said Jadeite.

"Well," said Kunzite. "Who's the lunkhead, if those two knew it but you did not retrieve that information?"

"Listen," said Beryl. "Let's go back to the princess school incident. You had it down to three people. Why not kill all three? You would have hit Sailor Moon."

"Actually," said Kunzite. "Only the Youma knew who they truly were."

"Yes," said Beryl. "But you should have received the information."

"I was going to eventually," said Kunzite. "But your pest Mamoru Chiba distracted me."

"Mamoru Chiba is a good man," said Beryl.

"Why didn't you just use your crystal ball to see who the Sailors' identities were?" asked Zoisite. "You saw when Mamoru Chiba got unmasked."

"I didn't call this meeting to look over my own mistakes," said Beryl. "My ball has a lot of limitations you don't know about."

"Hey," said Zoisite. "What about that time your big head appeared behind us? What are the limitations of that? Were you using our energy to produce that big head?"

"Who you calling big head, egg head?" demanded Beryl. "Anyway," continued Beryl. "I'm not done with you yet, Kunzite."

"Please leave me be," said Kunzite.

"No," said Beryl. "Let's go over how you died."

"Let's go over how you died," interrupted Zoisite.

"Zoisite," said Beryl. "Quiet."

"Kunzite," continued Beryl. "How did you get hit by your own boomerang? You had enough time to put up your cape, why didn't you dodge at hyperspeed like you did earlier in the episode?"

"Actually," said Kunzite. "The bright light was distracting me. And also that boomerang was a lot faster than that unlikeable Sailor Jupiter's attack. And might I also remind you that Jadeite also died by his own attack."

"Hey," said Jadeite. "It was the Sailors' mind games. If I could go back, I would definitely blitz Sailor Mercury first. What a little weasel she is."

"Ah," said Nephrite. "If I had another chance at my fight with them, I would do the same. The fire and the Moon Tiara had no effects on me, however not being able to see is a big nuisance. And also, add the Molly distraction to the equation, and I almost got hit by the weak Moon Tiara. But it's implied I would have put up my hand and blocked it, regardless of my distractions."

"Heh," said Kunzite. "Sailor Mercury didn't even try firing her attack at me. She just dropped to my dark energy waves. The same that Zoisite used to defeat Ryo."

"Shut up," said Beryl. "Also, Kunzite, let's go over your people skills in general. You are the least humanoid of the Shitennou, hardly showing any human emotions except for sadness when the crystals flew away. You did nothing when I killed Zoisite, and in fact said to him on his death bed, 'I tried to ask Queen Beryl to revive you.'"

"Because I did!" argued Kunzite.

"You're missing the point," said Beryl. "You can never fit into the human world. You are too two-dimensional."

"What do you want from us?" demanded Zoisite. "Are you just venting at us or something?"

"Hey," said Nephrite. "I'm enjoying this."

"She laid into you too," said Jadeite.

"Not as badly," laughed Nephrite.

"Anyway," said Beryl, getting to her point. "The most successful the Shitennou have ever been is when mastermind Zoisite teamed up with brute strength Kunzite, and enacted the shipping yard plan, and the capture Mamoru Chiba plan."

"That was a good one," admitted Kunzite. "Except for the fluke ending."

"Yes," said Beryl, getting back into her rant. "Why didn't you put up a bubble and stop the crystals from flying away?"

"They became transparent," said Kunzite.

"No," said Beryl. "Your anti-bubble completely negated magic. You rivaled the Moon Wand in your prime. You could have easily stopped the crystals separated. You just didn't use your noggin!"

"What point were you getting to exactly?" asked Zoisite.

"My point," said Beryl. "Is you four need to team up. I'm tired of your incompetence. Zoisite," said Beryl. "You have a lot of work ahead of you with these three slowing you down. But I'll count on you to act like a filter for any stupid plan they come up with. Remember, your best was when you got straight to the point and went right in for the crystals. So keep it simple."

"Aye aye," said Zoisite.

"Hey," said Nephrite. "I don't like how you're talking condescendingly to all of us except for Zoisite."

"Face it," said Beryl. "Zoisite's the most competent."

Nephrite didn't want to face it, and teleported away.

"Baby," said Zoisite.

"Shut up," said Jadeite to Zoisite.

Zoisite started crying, and threw himself onto Kunzite.

"There, there," said Kunzite, petting his head.

"What a pack of goons," sighed Beryl. "Please get me the crystal."

"Will do," vowed Kunzite.

* * *

The Shitennou sat at the big table in the meeting room.

They had a big drawing board up, but the only thing drawn on it was a stick figure drawing of Sailor Moon with a knife in her heart, and Tuxedo Mask's tombstone.

"Hmm," said Zoisite, looking at the notes. "Could use some work. Any bright ideas, team?"

He turned around, and the Shitennou were staring blankly.

"I got it!" said Jadeite. "What if, we made something very popular, like Girl Scout cookies? And then we recruited Sailor Moon to sell them as well. But one day, we lure her into a dark alley."

"Let me stop you there," said Zoisite. "Your plan has a lot of holes. Too many to fix. Any other ideas?"

"May I remind you," said Nephrite. "My Tuxedo Mask letter plan was one of the greatest. Almost as brilliant as my trick Sailor Moon into transforming plan."

"That was just dumb luck," said Zoisite. "A lot of people are rescued by Sailor Moon. They don't have to have connections to her. Then again, it would make sense that Sailor Moon would know when someone's in danger close by."

"Say," said Jadeite, who was balancing a pencil on his finger. "Didn't Sailor Moon hear danger through the things in her hair on episode one?"

"You're right," said Zoisite. "Nephrite, your plan was stupid and dumb luck."

"Whatever," said Nephrite. "I found her identity and you didn't!"

"I didn't try to!" argued Zoisite. "I was going for Mamoru Chiba and I did find his identity!"

"That was just dumb luck!" said Nephrite. "You're lucky he's the only person on the Sailor team who is only wearing a mask and no costume! Sailor Moon somehow morphs her face or something, because we can't recognize her in her human form!"

"Some kind of Sailor technology," said Jadeite.

"Kunzite," said Zoisite. "Give us some trivial Moon Kingdom facts."

"Ah!" said Kunzite. "That's what I'm best for! If only I had you still alive during my arc! A lot of my plans were farfetched, such as the ski bunny one."

"Yes," said Zoisite. "I didn't choose to be dead, it just happened."

"Ok," said Kunzite. "If my memory serves me right, they had doctors on the Moon Kingdom to heal any injuries. If I recall correctly, Queen Serenity would use the Silver Crystal to heal serious wounds. She in fact once fixed someone's leg when they fell in a moon crater."

"Hmmmmmm," said Zoisite. "Hmmmm!"

"What, what?!" said Jadeite.

"Quiet," said Zoisite. "I'm thinking."

He sat down on the chair and slowly moved it back and forth with his foot.

"Nice spinning chair," said Nephrite. "I can't believe Beryl could only afford to put one in here."

Suddenly Zoisite started writing on the board in the Negaverse language.

All the Shitennou peaked their heads in.

"Ah!" said Jadeite. "That might actually work!"

"Hmm," said Kunzite. "It's a long shot, but it's quite brilliant."

"Might I suggest some healing pods?" added Jadeite.

"Ooh!" said Zoisite. "Let me put that in there!"

"Hmm," said Nephrite. "The stars might help us find that out," he said, pointing to a specific line of the plan.

"Alright," said Zoisite. "This is a very good plan. But we need to do something that you've all never considered doing before. Proofreading and revising. We need a completely foolproof plan, since Beryl seems particularly salty today. No rough drafts."

"My plans are not rough drafts," said Kunzite.

"Okay," said Zoisite. "Either way, this plan will definitely work."

* * *

"Wow," said Zoisite, in total awe. "This plan actually worked."

There they were.

All five Sailors, and Tuxedo Mask, and even the cats, all under Kunzite's dark energy bubble.

"Well of course it worked," said Nephrite in his astronaut's costume. "We double-checked it 20 times."

"We've got you now, Sailor Scouts!" said Jadeite's huge hologram that was for some reason a sea captain, cast over the whole city.

"Jadeite," said Zoisite. "You don't have to cast yourself over the city anymore. We've won."

Jadeite appeared behind them.

Zoisite snapped his fingers, and his Queen Beryl costume dropped to the ground, revealing his Shitennou uniform.

"I took parts from all your best plans and combined them into one super plan."

"Well done, Zoisite," said Kunzite, as he closed in the bubble.

He had the bubble at almost crushing size, but decided to pause.

"I want to savor this moment," said Kunzite.

"Yes," said Zoisite. "We might as well, since it's such a crushing victory."

"Heh," said Jadeite. "When this is over, I'm mounting Sailor Jupiter's head on my wall."

"You don't even know Sailor Jupiter," said Kunzite.

Jadeite shrugged. "She annoys me the most."

"Let us out!" commanded Mamoru Chiba.

"Wait!" said Zoisite. "Doesn't Beryl want Mamoru Chiba alive?"

"Right," said Kunzite. "We'll retrieve his corpse after we kill them all. Beryl already revived him from the dead once."

"Ah, you're right," said Zoisite.

"Wait, we should go try to take some of their energy before we kill them, so we can heal Mamoru Chiba with it," said Jadeite. "Then Beryl will have no complaints."

"Good idea," said Kunzite, releasing the bubble.

"NooooOOO!" said Zoisite. "Put that back!"

Kunzite put it back, however, Ami had tried to dive under the bubble, knowing he would make this move, and got sliced in half.

"AAAHHH!" cried the Sailors in horror. "Ami!"

Zoisite scowled at Kunzite. "Don't release the bubble till I say so."

"Right," said Kunzite. "Sorry, boy."

"Whelp," said Jadeite. "Looks like the Shitennou finally catch a break."

"And no getting shot by a beam in the hand," said Zoisite. "We have all the inner planets under this dome, and the outer planets are known to be stuck guarding the outer solar system from invasions. So for once we have every single Sailor accounted for."

"Yep!" said Kunzite, closing in the bubble to finish everyone off.

That's when a beam got shot through both of Zoisite's hands.

"NOOOO!" cried Zoisite. "Ow!"

"Zoisite!" said Kunzite, releasing the bubble.

"No!" said Zoisite. "Don't release the bubble!"

"Shoot!" said Kunzite.

But that's when none other than Princess Kakyuu, from Fragrant Olive, flew in and drop-kicked Jadeite, killing him.

"Shoot!" said Nephrite disappearing.

Kunzite, however, refused to get defeated by some ET.

He charged with all he had, but then Sailor Moon hit him with the Moon Wand.

"Mayday, mayday!" yelled Zoisite.

"Zoisite! Pull out, now!" yelled a giant image of Beryl.

"But Queen Beryl!" said Zoisite.

That's when Kakyuu fired a beam, killing Beryl's image.

Kunzite and Zoisite decided to teleport away with their lives.

* * *

Beryl shook her head sadly.

"What an unfortunate turn of events," she said.

Jadeite was in a body cast.

Zoisite had both his hands in casts.

Kunzite was covered in bruises.

And Nephrite was completely unscathed.

"Wow," he said. "I really pulled out at the right time."

"Shitennou," said Beryl.

"Yes," said Kunzite, speaking for all the Shitennou.

"You have failed me for the last time."

"But Beryl," said Zoisite. "It was an event that we couldn't have possibly predicted. Like that time Endymion shot you in the heart with a rose."

Beryl had enough and killed Zoisite.

"There will be big changes coming soon," said Beryl.

"Good ones?" asked Jadeite hopefully.

Beryl just shook her head.

"You will not fail me again."

"D'ah," said Jed.


	206. Big Changes

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"That won't be necessary, Jadeite," said Queen Beryl. "You are relieved of your duties."

"Huh?!" said Jadeite.

Beryl handed Jadeite his pink slip with her telepathic powers.

Jadeite read it over.

"Hey!" he said. "You can't fire me!"

"Sadly," said Beryl. "It has Metalia's stamp of approval. It may look a little blurry because she's a blob and has a hard time stamping things, but it is there nonetheless."

The throne room doors were blown away, and a full riot of three stormed in.

"Queen Beryl!" said Kunzite. "This must be some mistake! I have been your loyal servant for many years! Thousands, to be exact!"

"Sorry," said Beryl. "But not sorry. I warned you boys that if you messed up again, it would be over. Did you think I'd just forget the next day?"

"Hey," said Zoisite. "It was out of our control, really!"

"Sorry," said Beryl. "But not sorry. I came to realize the only thing that sets you boys aside from others is your powers. But that was just given to you by Metalia, so anyone could be in your position. Thus, I have brought in some newcomers with better brains than you."

"No!" said Kunzite. "Impossible! We are different from the others! We have leadership skills! We led the Earth Kingdom army! Also, it's implied that we had basic combat skills, and were probably around Sailor Scout level, pre-Negaverse multiplier!"

"I'm sorry," said Beryl. "But there's just no other way. Your plans keep failing. If I need to raid the Moon Kingdom again, I'll be sure to toss you a call."

"Hey!" said Zoisite. "My plans were pretty successful!"

"Yes," said Beryl. "Like your elevator plan, right? And your crystal behind Mamoru Chiba plan, right?"

Zoisite opened his mouth but then shut it.

"That's right," said Beryl. "Keep your trap shut, all of you."

"How exactly did you have the energy to give four new randoms enough power to compete with us?" demanded Nephrite.

"Metalia went into overdrive," explained Beryl. "She will never wake up again. It's shown that she had enough power to make two Endymion power boys."

"Wait!" said Jadeite. "Who's the second?"

"Endymion," said Beryl. "When we had to hypnotize him the second time."

"See?" said Zoisite. "My crystal behind Mamoru Chiba plan was for the good of the Negaverse! Otherwise you wouldn't have been able to hypnotize him!"

"Shut up," said Beryl. "You weren't thinking about that when it happened."

There was a long sad silence, and then the Shitennou turned to leave.

"Wait," said Beryl.

Jadeite and Kunzite perked up.

"I'll need you to hand in your jackets," said Beryl. "They probably won't fit the new guys, but I'll find some use for them. They are Negaverse property, after all."

The Shitennou took off their uniforms, and all that remained were their undershirts.

Jadeite tried to take off with his uniform, but Beryl shot a beam.

He sadly took his jacket off and handed it over.

"Goodbye," said Beryl. "It was nice knowing you all. Don't be so sad, at least I let you off with your lives."

"Nice try," said Kunzite. "But we all know you can't kill the majority of us."

"Hey," said Beryl. "If I saved up a large reserve of energy in my ball, and released it in one attack, I could probably take out three out of four of you."

"Wrong," said Nephrite. "Unless you're counting Kunzite as the third."

The Shitennou went to leave, but turned around as they heard teleport effects.

"Greetings, Shitennou!" said Beryl.

"Hey!" said Jadeite, getting very angry. "I know these guys!"

The new Shitennou consisted of: Motoki in red, as the lowest ranking, Melvin in green, as another low ranker, Gamer Joe in yellow, sporting shoulder pads, and finally, Grandpa with a cape, as none other than the Shitennou leader.

"Hello boys," said Grandpa. "Are you lost? Because you don't belong here anymore."

Kunzite gritted his teeth, and Jadeite balled his fist.

Nephrite and Zoisite weren't the most mad, but Zoisite was kind of peeved that Beryl decided Melvin was a suitable replacement for him.

The four young men who were not Shitennou exited into the North Pole.

"Ah," said Beryl, once they left. "I'm counting on you four to find me the Silver Crystal and get energy."

"Yes, Queen Beryl-sama," said Motoki. "We won't let you down."

"Everything is ruled by the great and mighty crane machine," said Gamer Joe.

"Heh heh heh," said Melvin. "I won't have to fight anyone, right?"

Beryl smirked. "These are perfect matches."

* * *

The Shitennou found their way to the Shitennou meeting room.

"Roomy," said Motoki.

"Mmmm," said Gamer Joe, adjusting his glasses. "I don't know if I like the dreary atmosphere of our kingdom. There's no crane machines, only vending machines."

"I'm excited to see the specs of the PC's in the Nega computer lounge!" said Melvin. "Hopefully they can maintain high res textures and shaders for my 19k by 19k Minecraft texture pack."

"Why do you need those high res textures?" asked Gamer Joe. "At some point, aren't the pixels too small to even notice?"

Melvin let out a laugh, and then he snorted. "You have a lot to learn, four eyes!"

"Who you callin' four eyes, four eyes?!" said Joe, rolling up his sleeves.

"Easy boys, easy boys," said Motoki, breaking them apart before a fight happened.

"You got lucky," said Melvin. "Don't underestimate me!"

"So," said Grandpa, the leader. "I guess Motoki, being the lowest ranking, is up to the bat first."

"Gee," said Motoki. "That's a lot of pressure on me! Hopefully I can get the hang of this energy gathering business before it takes too long and our great queen gets impatient!"

Motoki opened up the handbook for Energy Gathering 101, written by Jadeite himself.

He read through it eagerly.

"Hmm," said Melvin, the thinker of the group. "I think we should all go out on the field together."

"I don't know about that," said Gamer Joe. "I heard that's how the Shitennou got fired last time."

"Well," snorted Melvin. "We're the Shitennou now, and we're much more competent! Plus, we haven't messed up once yet, so even if we do there will be no consequence."

* * *

Meanwhile, the ex-Shitennou met in Nephrite's house, since their key cards would no longer let them into the Negaverse.

"How rude," said Zoisite. "I didn't even get to gather my stuff. I hope Grandpa didn't take over my castle."

"I'm sure he did," said Kunzite. "His keycard will work there."

"Hmmm," said Nephrite. "You look different without your cape, Kunzite. I didn't know it was actually part of the uniform."

"It wasn't," said Kunzite sadly. "But I sewed it onto the outfit. Big mistake."

Jadeite was fuming. "How could we get replaced!?" he said. "And the most insulting part is, they replaced me with a lookalike!"

"We need to get back in," said Zoisite.

"Why?" said Nephrite. "We're a lot safer now."

"No," said Zoisite. "Finding the Silver Crystal is my job! Not a bunch of amateur humans with power-ups!"

"Also," said Kunzite. "If that batch is as competent as Beryl claims they are, they'll probably get rid of us because we're threats. That, or they'll actually succeed and destroy the universe, and that includes us because we're not Shitennou anymore."

"Say," said Jadeite. "We need to become a new team!"

"No," said Zoisite.

"Sorry," said Jadeite. "But otherwise we can't continue to meet up."

"No?" said Nephrite. "Why can't we just team up without being a team?"

Jadeite shook his head. "We can't trust each other unless we're wearing the same uniform."

"We are," said Kunzite. "We're all wearing the same undershirt and underpants."

Jadeite shook his head. "We can't be the gang of jacketless goons, who run around in their underwear. We need to form a new bond, so we can trust each other!"

"You already said that," said Zoisite.

"Sorry," said Jadeite. "I only listen to my team, which right now only has one member, me."

"Actually," said Kunzite. "I'm warming up to the idea. I can't be a team leader without a team."

"Well, we'd vote who would be the leader if we made a new team," said Nephrite.

"No," said Kunzite. "Then I'm not joining."

"Then I'm not joining," said Zoisite.

"Fine," said Nephrite. "I didn't want to be on your team anyway. I was very disgusted when I heard you'd be on the Shitennou with me. It's time for change. Me and Jed are gonna be a duo."

"Fine," said Zoisite and Kunzite, leaving.

But Jadeite threw himself into the door, blocking them.

"See what happens when we're not on the same team?!" cried Jadeite. "All we do is fight! There's no bond!"

"That's what we did when we were on a team," said Nephrite. "Except for you, who only interacted with us off-screen."

"It's called not sharing a spotlight," said Jadeite.

"I don't think I've ever met Jadeite," said Kunzite. "I've only heard rumors of there being a fourth Shitennou."

"Can it," said Jadeite. "Are we doing this or not?"

"Fine," said Nephrite.

"Fine," said Kunzite.

"Hmmm," said Zoisite. "But only until we get onto the Shitennou. After that we won't be a team anymore!"

"Whatever you say," said Jadeite. "From this day fourth, we shall be… A TEAM!"

They all put their hands in the middle and let out a holler.

* * *

"Welcome," said Grandpa. "What's your name, young boy?"

"Shingo-kun," said Shingo. "But you can call me Shingo-kun."

"Very well," said Grandpa. "Please enjoy the crane machine, young one," he said, patting the boy's head.

"Don't touch me," said Shingo, slapping his hand away.

Shingo rubbed his hands together once he arrived at the crane machine.

"Here we go!" he said. "I'm gonna win me a Sailor Moon doll!"

He pulled out his checker, and put it in the machine.

"Good luck," said Motoki. "Ah, I remember the crane machine at Crown Arcade, before I joined the Dark Kingdom."

"Shut up, old man!" said Shingle. "Why is everyone watching me?! Back off!"

The coin registered, and Shingo went to move the crane.

But then it started moving on its own.

"Huh?!" cried Shingo.

He tried to run, but the arm extended through the drop shoot, and grabbed Shingo by the neck, pulling him into the crane machine and trapping him forever.

Melvin was typing on a computer, and then he hit enter.

Just like that, Shingo's energy was sucked dry, and put into a huge energy ball Gamer Joe was holding.

"Excellent plan," said Melvin.

"Thanks," said Gamer Joe. "I couldn't have come up with it without Motoki!"

"Aww shucks," said modest Motoki.

Suddenly the lights turned off, and the Shitennou gathered together.

"Sailor Scouts!" said Grandpa. "Brace yourselves, team!"

"Wrong!" called a familiar voice.

Suddenly a spotlight appeared, revealing none other than the ex-Shitennou, in very goofy costumes.

"On guard, villains!" yelled Nephrite, getting too into character.

"Behold!" said Kunzite. "You are about to get defeated by the Clobbering Clowns!"

"Clobbering Clowns?" asked Melvin, confused.

"Wait, what?!" said Jadeite. "I thought we agreed on Team Rocket!"

"No, idiot," said Nephrite. "That's already taken! They'll think we're a bunch of manga geeks!"

"No, really," said Motoki. "What is your name again?"

Zoisite sighed. "I suggested Clobbering Clowns as a joke, and they all got excited and went with it."

"I suggested the Bouncing Bozos," said Kunzite. "But Zoisite brought up a good point when he said we weren't bouncing."

"I was the inspiration for our team name," said Jadeite. "I suggested the Four Clobberers, and Zoisite let out a sneer and said, 'Why don't we just be the Clobbering Clowns?' But unbeknowest to Zoisite, he suggested a great idea."

"No," said Zoisite. "I suggested it as a joke."

Jadeite ran up and socked Motoki with all he had, throwing him back a couple feet.

Motoki stumbled backwards, but he turned back to face Jadeite, revealing that he only sustained slight injuries.

Jadeite gasped.

"No!" he yelled.

But then Motoki leapt on top of him.

Zoisite vanished in a flurry of petals, and Melvin followed suit with a flurry of shrimp.

Gamer Joe put his hands in front of his face and began chanting. "O great crane machine, lend me your undying power!"

"O mighty stars," chanted Nephrite. "Lend me your energy!"

"Starlight Attack!" yelled Nephrite, shooting a powerful beam.

"Claw Machine Assault!" yelled Gamer Joe, firing a powerful energy attack equal to Nephrite's.

The attacks caused a large explosion, tossing Jadeite and Motoki who were laying on top of each other.

They both let out a shriek as they were tossed off into the distance.

Kunzite and Grandpa were clashing at rapid speeds.

"You're good, young one," said Grandpa, dodging seven consecutive jabs from Kunzite.

"You're lucky I'm not trying," bluffed Kunzite. "I worked hard to master my magic, unlike you, who just received a power-up!"

Kunzite threw an explosive kick, but Grandpa put up his arm, blocking it.

There was an explosion nonetheless, and once the smoke cleared, Grandpa had Kunzite by the neck.

Kunzite threw a headbutt, sending Grandpa flying since the old man was 30% head.

Kunzite summoned the Great Boomerangs of Wrath, and threw them at the old guy.

The coot did a couple amazing leaps, completely dodging them.

Kunzite collected them and they flew back to him.

But then he discarded them.

He shot a dark energy wave. "KU!" he yelled.

"GPA!" shouted Grandpa, deflecting the attack and shaking the whole room.

"You're not bad," admitted Kunzite. "But you're no match for the Negapower!"

"Hey," said Grandpa. "Negapower, Negaverse, and Negacafe are all trademarks owned by the Negaverse. You have no right to use them!"

Meanwhile, Zoisite and Melvin were having some kind of leaping contest.

Zoisite shot a flurry of petals, as Melvin slid to the side, dodging them.

Melvin shot a flurry of spicy shrimp, as Zoisite leapt out of the way.

"We're too evenly matched," thought Zoisite. "It was foolish to go against our own counterparts."

Zoisite spawned a crystal directly behind Melvin.

"Let's call a truce, nerd!" said Zoisite.

"Sorry," said Melvin. "I don't team with n00bs."

"You're the noob!" yelled Zoisite. He threw the crystal, but Melvin caught it.

"Heh," chuckled Melvin, adjusting his glasses. "Haven't you ever played an RPG?"

"A what?" said Zoisite.

"I, however," said Melvin. "Have spent countless hours remembering the movesets of all my characters. And while I enact PvP, I act out the moves as my character does them, to form a true bond that many strive for, between the user and his avatar."

"Wow," said Zoisite, scratching his head. "What a nerd!"

That's when Melvin switched to Warlock class, and fired a mana bolt, taking Zoisite for a ride.

Zoisite tried to tank it, but everyone knows mana bolts have shield piercing, and Zoisite was further taken for a ride.

"Geez," said Zoisite, after he hit the wall and stood up. "You'd think with my endurance of receiving a blast from the Moon Wand and then a blast from Beryl and living for a while, I wouldn't take so much damage. That must mean the nerd's defenses are very low!"

"Ha," scoffed Nephrite, who was clashing swords with Gamer Joe. "My endurance feats far surpass yours."

"I know that!" said Zoisite. "But-"

But while he was distracted, Melvin had swapped classes to Berserker, and started throwing many blows, completely overwhelming Zoisite.

Zoisite spawned a crystal, and tried to stab Melvin, but Melvin blocked it.

"No!" said Zoisite. "Your defenses are so low, but your speed is so high! How can I hope to compete?!"

Melvin closed the gap, using his strategic expertise, and threw a punch into Zoisite's stomach, finishing him off.

"Man down!" called Jadeite.

"Drat!" said Nephrite. "I should have known Zoisite would be the first to drop! But for such a smart guy, he wasn't very bright in battle!"

Nephrite threw a leaping kick, but Gamer Joe dodged, and threw a Grand Slam, tossing Nephrite.

Nephrite slid across the ground, but retaliated with a Cyclone Punch, sending Gamer Joe flying into the air.

Nephrite shot a beam from his palm, taking Gamer Joe through the ceiling.

"Easy," said Nephrite.

That's when Melvin flew in as a Tank class.

Nephrite threw many blows, but they didn't seem to be doing any damage.

Finally, Nephrite's stamina started to leave him, and Melvin switched to Paladin class.

Nephrite knew he was finished.

"How could I lose to this nerd?!" called Nephrite, taking the plunge.

"No!" said Jadeite. "I have to quickly finish off Motoki, so I can assist the others!"

Jadeite fired lightning out of his palms, but Motoki leapt into the air.

They began spinning around each other, and they both tackled each other at the same instant.

They bounced off each other and both landed on their feet.

"Heh," said Jadeite. "I haven't had a fight like this in a while!"

"Eat tokens, kid!" yelled Motoki. He fired a barrage of arcade tokens, and Jadeite leapt into the air.

They spun around each other for a long time, and they both tackled each other at the same instant.

While they were still colliding, Jadeite threw an overhead mallet punch, sending Motoki plummeting to the ground.

"Easy," said Jadeite.

But that's when Grandpa flew in and ended him.

"Hey!" yelled Kunzite. "I'm your opponent!"

"Sorry," said Grandpa, returning to Kunzite in an instant. "I saw the opening and knew it would only take a split second."

Melvin appeared behind Grandpa, as did Gamer Joe and Motoki as they slid in.

Kunzite put up his boxing gloves, but then realized that a 4v1 was not good odds.

In an uncharacteristic turn of events, he put up his hands in surrender.

But they showed him no mercy, and pummeled him, sending him flying out of the building with an explosion.

"You haven't seen the last of us!" said Zoisite, disappearing with a flurry of petals.

"Yeah, what he said!" said Jadeite, leaving in a portal.

"The Clobbering Clowns may have lost this battle, but you have lost this war!" said Nephrite, leaping back and vanishing.

"Heh," scoffed Grandpa. "Despite our powers being even, we managed to pull the upperhand. This proves we are the most competent Shitennou."

"Easy," said Melvin. "With enough grinding and practice, anyone can be good."

"That was a good fight," said Motoki. "Now, who held the energy ball for Joe?"

"I thought I left it with you?" said Joe.

"Uh oh," said Melvin. "Queen Beryl's not gonna like this."

* * *

The Clobbering Clowns retreated to Nephrite's mansion, AKA their hideaway.

"Ouch," said Kunzite. "What a smackdown."

"Sad," said Nephrite. "I defeated my opponent, but then Zoisite's opponent that he was unable to defeat came in."

"Yeah," said Jadeite. "And Kunzite couldn't keep his eye on his opponent for long enough to stop him from flying in and ending me."

"Boys, boys," said Kunzite. "The Clobbering Clowns shouldn't fight amongst each other."

Jadeite threw a punch, but Kunzite ate it.

"Alright," said Zoisite, calming down. "Let's all go over what went wrong."

Nephrite crossed him arms. "Well," he began. "Some of us weren't able to defeat the ones we were matched up with."

"Shut up," said Zoisite. "I'm trying to learn from our mistakes here, but that won't work if you want to play the blame game!"

Jadeite was pouting. "Nothing went wrong," he said. "We did the best we could. But sadly they're just a better team. They all care about one another and have unsurpassable teamwork skills."

"No," said Kunzite. "That's quitter talk. We have to defeat them."

"What's the point?" said Nephrite. "Beryl's not going to give us our jobs back either way."

"Hmm," said Zoisite. "Well, if we can't have the job, we can at least sabotage the pests who took our place. I say we should keep interfering until Beryl herself has to come down and kill us. Maybe we will even defeat her at that time."

"Yeah!" said Nephrite. "Let's do it!"

"Change of heart," said Jed. "We will destroy Beryl."

* * *

The Shitennou were in human disguises, shopping at a gem warehouse.

"One of these must be the Silver Crystal!" said Grandpa. He looked very closely at one specimen. "Could it be…?"

"This is stupid," said Joe. "Let's go back to that crane machine plan."

"Sadly we can't," said Melvin. "Energy is only a temporary solution to Metalia's hunger. We need the Silver Crystal!"

Suddenly the lights turned off.

"Sailor Scouts?!" asked Motoki, hopefully.

"Sorry," said Jadeite. "It's your true nemeses, the Clobbering Clowns!"

Grandpa just shook his head sadly, and Motoki put a hand over his face.

"Not these bozos again," said Joe. "Didn't we already defeat you once? You need to know when you're outclassed!"

"Sorry," said Zoisite. "We devised a strategy this time."

"Boys!" yelled Kunzite. "Plan A, go!"

Jadeite shot lightning out of his palms, scattering the four Shitennou.

Grandpa put up a shield, absorbing the attack.

But then he turned his head to see the Clowns flying past him.

They all honed in on Melvin, and started pummeling him.

Jadeite threw rapid kicks, breaking Melvin's glasses and bones, and completely destroying his ability to fight back.

But Melvin was clinging to life, and got on his stomach like a turtle.

"GO, GO, GO!" yelled Zoisite, pointing like a commander. Without him guiding the onslaught, the others would have surely faltered.

Nephrite dragged Melvin to his feet and got him in a full nelson.

Kunzite threw a wild elbow into Melvin's chest, and Melvin screeched in pain.

Melvin tried to switch to tank class, but sadly he was just receiving too much dps.

Suddenly Motoki ran in, and got Zoisite in a headlock.

Zoisite felt life draining from him.

"No!" yelled Kunzite, going in to save him.

But Grandpa stood in his way.

Kunzite threw a punch, but Grandpa caught it.

They locked arms, and screamed at the top of their lungs.

"No!" yelled Jadeite. "Kunzite is being held captive by his even standstill with Grandpa!"

Jadeite went to throw another blow to Melvin's exposed torso, but that's when Gamer Joe appeared in front of him, and shot a scattershot, taking him down a notch.

Jadeite repelled many of the attacks with a forcefield, but Gamer Joe threw a punch, shattering the forcefield and landing a clean hit.

"Plan B, retreat with our lives!" yelled Kunzite.

Kunzite took to the skies, but Grandpa grabbed his tablecloth that he was using as a cape and pulled him back to the ground.

Kunzite threw an uppercut, tossing Grandpa, and shot several powerful beams at him, sending him flying.

"I'm coming, Zoisite!" howled Kunzite.

But that's when Gamer Joe threw himself, taking Kunzite along with him.

"Hey!" yelled Nephrite. "I still got this nerd in a full nelson! Someone come up and throw blows!"

He looked around, but everyone was distracted.

He spotted Zoisite's face as a dark blue, and finally Motoki released his grip.

Motoki and Joe double-teamed Kunzite, and Kunzite was keeping up.

"Hey!" yelled Nephrite. "This nerd! Full nelson! Somebody!"

"Release the nelson!" yelled Jadeite, as Grandpa appeared in front of him.

"No!" yelled Nephrite. "You should never release a perfectly good full nelson!"

Grandpa dropped Jadeite on his knee, and Jadeite experienced inhuman pain.

Kunzite got Motoki and Gamer Joe's heads in each hand, and bonked their heads together, causing them to see stars.

"Geez, does no one know how to deal with an open full nelson!?" yelled Nephrite.

The other Clobbering Clowns were soon defeated, but Nephrite held onto his full nelson until the very end.

After they pried them apart, Nephrite took to the skies and escaped.

Jadeite threw a smokebomb he brought in his pocket and ran away on foot, and Kunzite grabbed Zoisite and leapt out a window.

"They never learn," chuckled Joe. "Hey Melvin, you hanging in there?"

But Melvin didn't respond, as he was knocked out cold like a defeated Pokemon.

"Eh, we'll get you a new pair of glasses, kid," said Motoki.

* * *

"Alright, let's go over what happened this time," said Zoisite.

"I'll tell you what happened," said Nephrite. "You all wasted a great opportunity. How often does a full nelson just present itself to you?! We could have killed that lil nerd finally and forever, and made them a group of three which could easily be toppled."

"No," said Kunzite. "You should have released the nelson, Nephrite."

"Release?! A nelson?!" laughed Nephrite harshly. "Unheard of."

"We lost because of Nephrite and the nelson," said Zoisite.

"Wrong," said Nephrite. "We lost because you were wasteful and did not take free things that were given to you!"

"Nothing was given to me!" said Zoisite. "I was stuck in a chokerhold since second number one!"

"Whose fault is that?" demanded Nephrite. "You shouldn't leave so many openings."

"What openings?!" cried Zoisite. "He came out of nowhere!"

"Guys, guys," said Jadeite. "Have the Clobbering Clowns reached their limit?"

"Shut up," said Zoisite. "We don't need your negativity."

Suddenly, Kunzite turned around.

"What?" said Jadeite. He turned around too.

"That energy," said Zoisite in pure horror. "That's Negaenergy!"

Suddenly, in front of them, appeared the four Shitennou.

"Why are you here?!" demanded Nephrite. "We were totally going to not bother you ever again!" he lied.

The Clobbering Clowns, despite being worn down from their previous beatdown, got in their fighting stances.

A bead of sweat dropped down Zoisite's face.

"Sadly," said Grandpa. "We were sent here by the Big B herself. She told us to get rid of the sabotaging goofballs, so that's exactly what we're going to do!"

"Hey, no fair!" said Jadeite. "We still haven't healed yet!"

"Boo hoo," said Gamer Joe. "Life's tough, huh? At least you won't have to partake in it any longer!"

Kunzite decided it was all or nothing and drop-kicked Grandpa.

"Wait!" said Jadeite. "We have to stick together!"

But Motoki threw a bodyslam, sending Jadeite flying.

Joe and Nephrite began chanting at each other, and Zoisite tried to flee.

But Melvin appeared in front of him.

"No no no no no!" yelled Zoisite.

He threw a quick kick, followed by a sideways karate chop.

"We can't do this same stupid strategy!" yelled Zoisite, when he distanced himself from Berserker Melvin for half a second.

"No," said Kunzite, as he exchanged blows. "I can beat this guy!"

They traded blows for a long time, but it was evenly matched.

That's when Grandpa delivered more blows than Kunzite could receive, and Kunzite was taken to the ground.

"Swap opponents with me!" said Zoisite.

"Fool!" said Kunzite. "You can't last a second against this mighty beast!"

"Alright, fine," said Zoisite. "Jadeite, swap with me!"

"Yes sir!" said Jadeite, running from a tidal wave of arcade coins.

He leapt off into the distance, as Zoisite took his place.

Zoisite turned into a bunch of petals, and the coins flew past him.

Zoisite reappeared, and threw a crystal.

But Motoki was on his A++ game, and dodged it.

That's when Zoisite caused an eruption of petals from the ground, completely frazzling the Mighty Motoki.

"I can't keep up with these mind games!" Motoki called. "I'm a fighter, not a strategist!"

That's when Zoisite fired up the old reliable.

Motoki started to cry as he was swept away with the beam, all the way off into heaven.

"Noooot agaaaainnn!" said Motoki's final cry.

Kunzite and Nephrite decided to swap opponents as well.

"Wait a second!" said Nephrite, face to face with Grandpa. "I wasn't thinking this through!"

Nephrite looked around. "I'll just have to stall this incredible creature until Kunzite easily finishes off my guy."

But this was no small feat.

Grandpa raised his hands, and several energy balls appeared around him.

He threw them all at Nephrite, as Nephrite ran for his life as explosions erupted around him.

Meanwhile, Gamer Joe was eyeing Kunzite.

"You're not so tough!" yelled Joe.

That's when Kunzite popped his head off, and Joe was no more.

"AHhhh!" shrieked Melvin. "How horrific!"

"Where is Nephrite and that silver slasher?" wondered Kunzite.

He looked out the window to see Nephrite running into the forest, and Grandpa chasing after him on all fours.

"Shoot!" said Kunzite.

"I don't wanna die!" howled Nephrite. "Zoisite, swap with me!?"

But no one was around.

Nephrite did many amazing leaps through the trees.

"Phew," he said. "I think I lost him."

But that's when Grandpa appeared in front of him.

Nephrite decided it was all or nothing, and threw his strongest punch.

But it was reflected off Grandpa's solid skin.

Grandpa threw a light tap, and Nephrite was tossed into a tree, easily defeated.

"This is the end," thought Nephrite, as Grandpa strided towards him.

But that's when a boomerang flew into Grandpa's heart.

Grandpa looked down, and then looked back up at the camera.

"Drat," was his lame final bow.

Grandpa exploded into particles of dust, as Kunzite appeared in front of Nephrite.

"Luckily," said Kunzite. "He was my equal, so only a boomerang was needed to defeat him."

* * *

Back in Nephrite's mansion, Jadeite was getting floored by Melvin, since he was just too quick-witted despite Jadeite's advantage in strength.

Jadeite was finally defeated, but Zoisite took his place.

"Alright, you beast," said Zoisite. "I'm ready for you now!"

"Alright," said Melvin. "Don't say I didn't warn you!"

Melvin threw a giant shrimp, but Zoisite fired a dark wave, exploding it.

But that was Melvin's plan, and the huge shrimp exploded into a billion shrimp, clogging Zoisite's vision.

That's when Zoisite was hit over the head and defeated.

"Time to deal the killing blow to both these Clobbered Clowns," said Melvin, raising his fist.

That's when he died.

"Sad," said Kunzite, walking in the door. "For a smart guy, he sure let his guard down."

"What… what happened to Grandpa?" asked Zoisite.

"He's gone," said Kunzite. "Torn to smithereens just from one measly boomerang."

"Hey," said Jadeite. "Isn't that how you were defeated?"

"Shut up, plane boy," said Kunzite.

"Now, I have one thing to say to all of you fellow Clobbering Clowns," said Nephrite. "Get out of my house!"

FIN


	207. The Red Flyer

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Jadeite, you better go out and enact that new source today," said Beryl. "Don't do anything foolish that doesn't have to do with taking over the world."

"Yes," promised Jadeite. "I will get right to it, m'queen."

* * *

Jadeite strolled into the Nega computer lounge.

"Today's a beautiful day to play some Club Parakeet Rewritten," he said to nobody in particular.

But when he walked in, there seemed to be some kind of jamboree.

"NOOOOOOO!" screamed Kunzite. "Damn!"

He threw his mouse down.

"You gotta eat your gapples before the fight starts!" Kunzite told Nephrite.

"No," said Nephrite. "Then my gapple will run up mid-fight, and I'll drop like a stone."

"You dropped like a stone before the fight even started," said Zoisite.

"Hey," said Nephrite. "If I had one more second, my gapple would have been eaten."

"Come on," said Endymion. "Everyone knows to eat your gapple before the fight starts. What you did was way too risky."

"Well, it was a flip of the coin, but sadly I got tails," said Nephrite.

"What is this?!" demanded Jadeite. "Some kind of jamboree?!"

The Nega computer lounge was completely packed. There wasn't a single open computer.

"No," said Kunzite. "This is serious. We're competing in the Minecraft 5v5's tournament for a $100 prize pool."

"But Kunzite," said Jadeite. "Minecraft isn't even a PvP game. It's all just clicking."

"That's why we're doing 1.9 PvP," said Zoisite. "Now it's about skill!"

"No," said Jadeite sadly. "Minecraft PvP is dead. Previously popular PvP servers like BL now struggle to get 100 players."

"Be quiet, Jadeite!" yelled Nephrite. "The next round's starting! We barely slipped by last time thanks to Kenji's amazing strafe, and w-tap combo! Fortunately he was able to defeat a 3v1, so we went on to the next round despite numerous mistakes!"

"Hey," said Jadeite. "Can I just check my Club Parakeet real quick? Surely not all of the people in here are in matches at once, so can't I just borrow a PC?"

"Sorry," said a Youma. "We're spectating."

"Don't worry," said Kunzite. "You can take over one of our computers when we drop."

"Alright," said Jadeite. "How long will that take?"

"Well," said Zoisite. "This is 1.9, so if you're lucky, each match only takes one to two hours."

Jadeite left in a huff.

"This isn't fair!" he said. "I shouldn't have to not have internet access because the other Shitennou and Negaverse resident are so selfish! It's time to get myself a PC (personal computer)."

With that, Jadeite headed to the nearest Walmart.

* * *

"The computer I'm after is the Red Flyer," said Jadeite to himself as he entered the store. "I once had one of those myself, until I threw it into the abyss after I got greened in a Toontown back nine. It's a very solid computer model, the best there is. HP really got themselves a winner."

Jadeite finally reached the electronics section.

"Hello," he said to the employee. "I'll take one of the 15.6" Red Flyer HP personal laptops, please."

"Oooooh, sorry," said the worker. "We're fresh out of Red Flyers."

"Really?" said Jadeite. "What bad luck!"

"Not luck," said the worker. "You'd be lucky to ever see a Red Flyer! The instant we get one in stock, they are bought. People usually line up outside waiting for the truck to deliver them."

"Grrrr!" said Jadeite, balling his fist. "I'll just try another Walmart, then!"

"Good luck," said the worker with deep sorrow.

Jadeite stormed off.

He teleported to the next Walmart.

"Hello, young man," he said to the young teen in charge of the electronics department. "I'll take a Red Flyer," he said.

The clerk just shook his head. "You're the fourth one today asking for that. But sadly they were all taken long ago, longer ago than I've worked here. But I've heard rumors that as soon as they get a shipment, people eat those things up like birds to a bag of bird feed."

"What?! NO!" said Jadeite. "Why are they out of stock everywhere?! Just buy more, you're losing money!"

"My apologies," said the worker. "I can't control that."

Jadeite teleported away, spooking the boy greatly.

Jadeite flew into the next closest department store.

He slammed his fists down on the counter.

"Red Flyer!" he demanded.

Unfortunately, there was an old lady working the counter.

"You want a rocket ship?" she asked, confused.

"Fool!" yelled Jadeite. "I don't have time for this! Bring in your manager!"

They brought in the manager.

"Red Flyer!" screamed Jadeite.

"You saw our red flyer?" asked the manager. "I didn't know we had a flyer such as that in circulation. Did you find it in the newspaper?"

"NO!" said Jadeite. "Red. FLYER! Like the object!"

The manager scratched his head. "I don't think we have any flyers here," he said. "You might wanna try Home Depot."

"What?!" screamed Jadeite. "No, the Red Flyer HP computer!"

"Oh, that thing," said the manager. "You should have said so."

Then he chuckled. "Well, I guess I see why they call it the flyer. Those things are flying off the shelves like they have wings!"

Jadeite let out a howl. "STUPID!" he screamed at the man. "Why are this many people buying laptops, this exact model nonetheless?"

The manager shrugged. "It's a reliable model. And we only sell like five models here. It's simply the best deal."

"AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Jadeite. "You haven't seen the last of me! I'll be back, and when I am, I'll have a Red Flyer!"

Jadeite went to leave but then he got mad.

"Wait," he said. "When is your next shipment?"

"There will be one tonight," said the manager. "If you want a Red Flyer, you should swing by tomorrow morning."

Jadeite let out a cold laugh. "Don't you worry."

He left.

* * *

Jadeite showed up at noon that day.

"I'll take a Red Flyer to go!" he said.

"The laptop?" asked a clerk. "Sorry, we just sold our last one!"

"NO!" said Jadeite. "Who did you sell it to?!"

That's when Jadeite turned to see a family pushing a cart out the door, with a laptop box inside.

"AH!" shouted Jadeite.

He sprinted after them at top speeds, but then realized it would be faster to hop on one of the electronic carts.

He took off at 10x the speed of light, chasing after the man, who had taken off with the cart in a sprint, as he was well aware of the risk of buying his computer.

"You'll never take my Red Flyer!" screamed the man.

"That's MY Red Flyer!" shouted Jadeite.

He cut a corner, and threw a kick to the man's face, toppling him.

But the man unleashed a fury like Jadeite had never seen.

He pulled out a handgun, shooting the Red Flyer to smithereens.

"What?!" screamed Jadeite. "WHY!?"

"If I can't have it, no one can!" yelled the man. He took his own life, and Jadeite let out a howl louder than last time.

He stormed back up to the desk.

"Why didn't you hold a Red Flyer for me?!" Jadeite shouted. "I told the manager I wanted one!"

"We can't hold laptops," said the guy. "Or people as practical jokes would hold Red Flyers, and not buy them, just to get back at us for not having any Red Flyers in stock."

"That doesn't make any sense!" said Jadeite.

That's when Jadeite came up with a bright idea.

"Isn't it courteous for employees to call around to other stores when one is out of stock?" asked Jadeite.

"Hmm," said the clerk. "That might take all day, sir."

"Alright, just give me the phone," said Jadeite.

Jadeite went behind the counter, and dialed 20 Walmarts in a row.

All of them were misses.

"Do you want to take a go?" Jadeite asked the clerk.

"I guess I have to," said the clerk. "It's that or quit my job."

The clerk dialed the furthest away Walmart, in a completely desolate location.

Jadeite waited anxiously.

"Hello," said the clerk. "Do you have any HP Red Flyer laptops?"

There was a long silence, and Jadeite waited.

"Ah," said the clerk, hanging up. "You're in luck. They seem to have one left in stock. But they can't hold it, so you better hurry!"

"Yes, YES!" screamed Jadeite. "Where's this Walmart?"

The clerk said the location, and that's when Jadeite heard a couple audible gasps behind him.

All the people that were waiting in line behind Jadeite scattered in different directions, hopping in all their carts and taking off at top speeds.

"NOOOOO!" shouted Jadeite. "You fiends! Finders, keepers!"

Jadeite took off on foot, sprinting, until he got all the way to the Walmart.

He threw open the sliding doors like they were regular doors, and then took off running towards the electronics.

"I'VE GOT YOU NOW, FLYBOY!" he screamed.

But that's when none other than Melvin sprinted past Jadeite on his right, and seconds later, Motoki sprinted past him on his left.

"HEY!" screamed Jadeite, knowing what they were here for. "You dirty rats!"

Jadeite went into overdrive, and threw himself at the counter.

"Yes," he said panting. "I'll have one Red Flyer."

That's when several men leapt on top of Jadeite's back, taking him to the ground.

The clerk went into the back and pulled out the holy grail, while ignoring the roughhousing at the counter.

She plopped the Red Flyer on the counter.

"Here you go," she said, thinking they were all one party.

That's when fifty hands reached for the Flyer, and all held on for dear life.

"LET GO!" screamed Jadeite. "I discovered its location fair and square!"

"No!" said Melvin. "This Red Flyer is mine! I need it to be my fourth computer so I can do World of Warcraft dungeons by myself!"

"That's so stupid!" yelled Jadeite.

He threw an elbow into Melvin's face, shattering the boy, and then got a magnificent burst of strength.

He snatched the Red Flyer from the 50 greedy mitts, and took off running.

"Hey!" said the clerk. "You have to pay for that here!"

A few of the brawlers threw money at the clerk, and took off running after Jed.

"I'VE FINALLY GOT IT!" said Jadeite. "It's MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!"

Jadeite held the Flyer over his head like a trophy, but that's when Motoki did a flyby, snatching the Red Flyer out from his mitts.

"NO!" screamed Jadeite.

He blasted Motoki to bits, and all that was left were his shoes.

But Gamer Joe did a low dive, like one would do stealing a base in baseball, and nabbed the Red Flyer before it hit the ground, taking off for the grocery section.

Gamer Joe ran for his life, 10x faster than if he was being chased by Zoisite.

He ran down the milk aisle, but people were suddenly flying at him from both sides of the aisle.

Gamer Joe let out a shriek as his final action in the living world, and then he was torn to shreds.

In the ruckus, the Red Flyer box was tossed into the air, and Melvin leapt off the top of an aisle, catching it and running across the aisle tops like some kind of parkour maniac.

That's when, as he leapt over another aisle gap, Jadeite tackled him from behind, taking him to the floor.

Jadeite used one hand to keep Melvin's head down, and snatched the Red Flyer with his other.

He held Melvin down until he was ready to launch off, and then Jed kicked off the ground running, like someone sprinting in the Olympics.

Jadeite headed for the sliding doors of freedom.

But 20 men got in the way, throwing away their lives to try to stop Jadeite's momentum.

Many of them were trampled to death, while a few others were so disheartened at losing their chances at the Red Flyer that they took their own lives.

By the time Jadeite made it out the door, 20 men were hanging onto his feet for dear life.

The sensor at the door went off, but Jadeite couldn't care less.

He paused suddenly as the electronic doors were about to close, and 10 of the men were sliced in half.

The other ten had the will of the ancients, and would not let up.

Jadeite did a back flip into a portal, killing all the men.

He made it back to his dark space, panting.

"I got it," he said, letting out a single tear of joy. "My prize."

Jadeite turned on the Flyer, and set up Windows 10.

But when the computer finally went on the desktop background, Jadeite was in shock.

"What is this?!" he said. "The screen is slightly yellow-tinted! This can't be! My old one was whiter than snow!"

Jadeite went through all the options and turned his computer to the max brightness, but none of it worked.

"Why do bad things happen to good people?!" screamed Jadeite. "It must be a manufacturing error."

Jadeite threw out the Red Flyer.

"Woe is me," he said.

* * *

Jadeite returned to his space, covered in scratches and the blood of others.

He had a stack of three Red Flyers, all from different locations.

"That was a tough battle," he said.

He turned them all on simultaneously and set up Windows 10 with perfect precision, now that he was used to it.

"No…" said Jadeite. "NOOO! It can't be! WHYYYY!?"

All three of the new laptops also had yellow-tinted screens.

Just to make sure he wasn't seeing things, Jadeite turned off the lights in his already dark space, and took out one of his old laptops for comparison.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Jadeite.

He sat down on his old laptop, since he couldn't bare the yellow tint of the new boys, and began putting in the research.

"Ah," he read. "It's some kind of nightlight feature that newer computers have. It's to prevent eye strain and blue light which causes one to have a hard time falling asleep. Very odd developers' choice, but they should at least have a way to turn it off."

Jadeite went under Display Options, but there was no nightlight setting like he saw in the picture on the article.

"NOOOOOOOO!" screamed Jadeite.

With a heavy heart, Jadeite gave up on the Red Flyer.

"They are no more," he said. "It is a shame for all those people buying them, but they must be idiots and take the yellow screen like an L."

* * *

Jadeite walked into Walmart with his head held low, and returned to his archvillain, the electronics section.

He reluctantly began browsing the different computer models on display.

It appeared many of them might or might not have had yellow-tinted screens, but he could not tell because of the brightness of the store.

Jadeite started to cry.

But then he saw the light of hope.

It was the HP RealTree Camouflage laptop, some kind of special edition that seemed very similar to the Red Flyer.

It was fifty extra dollars, but it was a price Jadeite was willing to pay.

He went under display options, and then gasped when he saw the nightlight settings, which meant he could turn it off.

He did, and the whole store lit up with the brilliant white light of a decent laptop.

"I'll take it!" called Jadeite.

"A wise decision," said the electronics guru.

They handed him the chosen computer, and Jadeite took off running.

Jadeite hopped on the computer, and its glorious white light lit up his whole dark space.

"Good!" said Jadeite. "Good!"

Jadeite kept his computer for a full week, until things went south fast.

You see, Jadeite had neglected his Poofle on Club Parakeet Rewritten, and when he logged on that fateful morning, he received a postcard.

Apparently, his Poofle had left him, and returned to the wild, because even a life running in predator-filled wilderness was better than Jadeite's bird cage.

Jadeite got so mad from the postcard that he threw a punch right through his computer screen.

He called up HP and asked if the warranty covered this defect, but unfortunately it had a specific statement saying this type of reckless behavior was not covered.

Jadeite closed the computer and went back to Walmart.

He picked up a new Camo, and returned home.

Casually, he opened it up and set up Windows 10 without even having to look at the screen by this point.

But that's when he was shocked, like one on the electric chair.

"This… this screen!" he wept. "It's yellow! How could it be?! The other one of the exact same model was perfect!"

Jadeite went to change the nightlight setting, but there was no setting.

"HOW?!" he said. "HOOOW?! Curse you, Walmart!"

He checked both boxes just to be safe, and one of the laptops was in fact two pounds lighter, and their shipping dates were a month apart.

"This can't be!" said Jadeite. "It's been only a week!"

Furiously, Jadeite dialed the familiar HP number that he memorized by heart.

He made sure to call the American branch, however the phone was answered by someone in India.

"Hello," said Jadeite.

The guy replied with some sort of Indian greeting.

Jadeite frowned. "Hello?" repeated Jadeite.

"Ah, sorry!" said the man, with a strong accent. "I infer you are calling about one of the 6 HP laptops you recently purchased."

"Yes," said Jadeite. "Why do they all have yellow-tinted screens?!"

"Alright," said the man. "I'll need your full name, and computer serial number, as well as some other trivial info."

"No, come on!" said Jadeite. "Surely you must be getting complaints! Just help me out here!"

"Sorry," said the man. "ID first."

"Alright," said Jadeite, giving out all his information from his date of birth to his credit card numbers and favorite foot.

"Thank you," said the man. "I will now transfer you to customer support."

"Nooo!" said Jadeite.

Jadeite waited on hold for 20 minutes, until finally he heard some kind of shuffling.

"Hello!?" said Jadeite, twelve times before another man in India responded.

"Yes?" he said. "Are you calling about your HP laptop?"

"I just went through this!" said Jadeite. "Tell me how to fix my yellow screen!"

"Okay," said the man. "Just give me your serial number and name."

"I just did this!" screamed Jadeite.

But he had no choice, so he angrily complied.

"Ah, thank you," said the man. There was a lot of typing and shuffling. "Let me forward you to the electronics specialists," said the man.

"HUH!?" said Jadeite. "Again?! What is this, some kind of endless loop of misery!? Can I speak to an American?!"

Jadeite was put on hold.

20 minutes later, after the blatant Indian music looped many times, another person answered in full Indian dialect.

"No!" cried Jadeite. "Help me, please! I beg you!"

"Yes," said the man. "Do not worry. What is your problem?"

"Yellow screen!" shouted Jadeite. "Yellow! Screen!"

"Hmm," said the man. "What is your product's serial number?"

Jadeite threw himself into a wall and then played the tape recorder that he set up while he was on hold.

"Sorry, I didn't catch that," said the man. "Please repeat your serial number."

Jadeite pressed it again.

"Ah, thank you," said the man.

"Help me!" said Jadeite.

"Hmm," said the man after a long wait. "Have you tried installing McAfee Anti-Virus Software?"

"What?!" cried Jadeite. "No, it's not a virus! These are brand new computers!"

"Are you sure?" said the man. "I've never heard anything about yellow computers."

"How?!" screamed Jadeite. "Literally all your company's computers have yellow screens! Surely someone called up about this!"

"Do not worry," repeated the man. "We will get through this. Have you tried updating your laptop's BIOS?"

"I tried that," said Jadeite. "The BIOS is actually the problem. The older version of the laptop has an older version of the BIOS, which does not have a yellow screen. I tried to downgrade, but it will not let me."

"Yes, I understand your concerns," said the man. "Now, follow this link that I am about to read to you. It will lead you through the process of updating your BIOS."

"No, no, no," said Jadeite. "I'm looking at two computers side-by-side. One has f.24, and one has f.40. I need to get f.24 on my new one!"

"Sorry," said the man. "You cannot downgrade your BIOS!"

"WHY?!" screamed Jadeite. "Why are you forcing me to have a yellow screen?! All I ask for is the nightlight option, which one of my computers has, and one doesn't, even though they're exactly the same!"

"Since your problem has been resolved, do you have any other questions for me?" asked the man.

"YEAH!" screamed Jadeite. "My problem is not resolved! Tell me how to downgrade my BIOS! This is my question!"

"Thank you for choosing HP," said the man. "How would you rate my service?"

"Terrible!" yelled Jadeite. "0/10! Let me talk to your manager, hopefully they come from America!"

"I'm sorry to hear that," said the man. "Please feel free to call back anytime."

The man hung up.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Jadeite.

He ate the phone, and then threw a leaping kick at the wall.

"Keep it down!" yelled someone from outside.

"YELLOW SCREEN!" screamed Jadeite. "I'M NOT CRAZY!"

* * *

Jadeite went to Office Max and bought a decently priced computer.

It was a Lenovo.

Jadeite compared it to his other computer.

"It's slightly more dull, but I can live with this," he decided. "I'm glad the yellow screen saga's over."

"Hey Jadeite," said Nephrite, teleporting into his space. "We're done in the computer lounge."

Jadeite threw a punch at Nephrite, and Nephrite shrugged and left.

FIN


	208. The Negaverse Gets Invaded

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

Queen Beryl let out a roar, and Jadeite gasped.

"You're not Queen Beryl!" he yelled.

* * *

Kunzite approached the D-point entrance to the Negaverse.

He was carrying groceries from Target.

"I love Target," said Kunzite. "It's low priced, but I get to feel more important than people at Walmart."

As Kunzite approached the giant dark energy vortex that led to his kingdom, he spotted some kind of gathering of sorts. A polar bear gathering, to be exact.

"Run along," said Kunzite. "What is this, mating season?"

"RAAAWWWWR!" howled a polar bear, getting aggressive.

"Down, boy!" yelled Kunzite, as the polar bear got on its hind legs for battle.

Kunzite had to take to the skies as he was surrounded, and he dived face-first into the vortex like an Olympic diver.

"Phew," he said when he got in the Negaverse. "Those white beasts are definitely a downside of our chosen location, but on the other hand, it might hinder the Sailors as well."

He headed towards Queen Beryl's throne room, but that's when he heard a scream.

He hurried in.

"What's going on?" he called.

That's when he spotted 20+ polar bears all hoarded around Beryl's throne.

"No!" said Kunzite. "They've infiltrated our lair!"

"Get rid of those furry behemoths!" called Jadeite.

Kunzite looked around to see where the voice was coming from, and spotted Jadeite clinging to a stalactite on the ceiling.

"Jadeite, get down from there," said Kunzite. "You're one of the Great Four! You can't let some four-legged brute intimidate you!"

"There's 20+ of them!" cried Jadeite. "And they're all hungry for blood!"

That's when Zoisite appeared, but in the wrong place at the wrong time.

"Kunzite," he began.

That's when a polar bear batted him across the face, and Zoisite dropped to the ground crying.

"No!" yelled Kunzite.

He shot a dark wave of energy, sweeping the polar bears off their feet and into the distance.

"Kunzite," whimpered Zoisite. "What is going on here?"

"I wish I knew," said Kunzite. "But it seems like the polar creatures have taken residence in our Negaverse!"

"Get 'em out!" said Jadeite.

That's when an arctic fox scampered in on all fours and did an amazing leap, taking Jadeite to the ground.

It ran off with Jadeite in an instant.

"Wow," said Zoisite amazed. "Did you see that leap?"

That's when Nephrite stormed in.

"There's a polar bear at my vending machine!" he yelled. "Who's responsible?!"

"Not me," said Zoisite.

"Yeah right," said Nephrite. "This seems right up the alley of local fiend Zoisite."

"No," said Zoisite. "If they were my lackeys they wouldn't have batted me across the face."

"Hmm," said Kunzite. "Don't we have a couple Youmas to keep these animals at bay?"

"Sorry," said Nephrite. "They're gone. Jadeite ended them all."

"Shoot," said Zoisite.

"Where's Beryl?" asked Kunzite. "She might be able to put an end to this."

That's when they saw Beryl sprint in, being chased by a polar bear running on all fours like some kind of bear.

"HEEEEEELP!" yelled Beryl. "I tried to use my crystal ball to banish it, but it swatted it to the ground and stomped on it! I've been running loops around the Negaverse for a couple hours now, hoping someone would show up!"

"I'll save you," said Kunzite.

He sprinted off after the bear and leapt on its back.

He tried to get it in a headlock, but its neck was very thick, and the mighty creature took Kunzite for a ride.

"Should we help?" asked Nephrite.

But Zoisite was just biting his thumb. "This isn't fair!" he said. "If I was getting chased by a polar bear, Kunzite wouldn't try this hard to stop it!"

That's when lightning flashed in the background.

"Hey," said Nephrite. "Where'd that lightning come from? Are there clouds in the Negaverse? Is there rain? How are there clouds without water? So many mysteries."

Kunzite finally finished off the bear, and Beryl had to sit down, panting.

"Thanks Kunzite," she said.

"Beryl," said Kunzite. "What is the meaning of this?"

"Beats me," said Beryl. "I guess they just climbed through the opening in the overworld. Polar boys are mighty beasts. One of the few arctic creatures that have enough gall to come down here."

"The arctic fox species also showed their face," said Kunzite. "But it only targeted Jadeite."

"Hmm," said Beryl. "We can't live like this. Let's go get Metalia and move out."

They headed to Metalia's chambers, and that's when Beryl gasped.

"Metalia-sama!" she cried.

To her horror, three polar bears were on their hind legs, batting at Metalia's pod like they were trying to open a beehive.

"Back, you mangy creatures!" yelled Beryl, swinging her staff like a torch.

"Don't provoke them," said Kunzite. "She's a lost cause."

But Beryl didn't give in. "I said back!"

A polar bear threw its body, tackling Beryl into the void with such incredible force that all her bones were broken and she plummeted to her doom.

Kunzite rolled up his sleeves. "So that's how it's gonna be, eh?"

He slugged it out for many hours, but finally the polar bears fled.

"Good work," said Metalia. "For saving me, I'll give you eternal life."

"Awesome!" said Kunzite.

"Oh," said Nephrite. "Like a genie!"

"Metalia is a mythical creature," said Zoisite.

"Anyway," said Kunzite. "It's time to go. Hop in this jar, Metalia-sama."

Metalia shed her shell, and hopped in a pickle jar, like a fairy from the Legend of Zelda.

They headed for the door to the Negaverse.

That's when Beryl climbed out of the void weakly.

"Avenge me!" she yelled, giving up on life.

"Come on now," said Kunzite. "Keep it together."

They put Beryl in a body cast and rolled her out the door.

"Goodbye, Negaverse," said Zoisite. "What a shame that this is how it ended."

"Where do we go now?" wondered Kunzite.

Suddenly Jadeite came running out of the Negaportal like a bat out of hell.

"I made peace with the arctic fox!" he told the others.

"Good work," said Nephrite.

"Hey, who's the mummy?" said Jadeite.

"Shut up," said Beryl.

They started their long trek to Japan, when Endymion came dashing out of the vortex with two owls circling him like buzzards and occasionally going in for pecks.

"How could you leave me?!" said Endymion.

"My bad," said Beryl.

No one helped Endymion with his arctic owls, and he eventually battled one down to submission, and the other one flew away.

They arrived at Nephrite's Earth house.

"This is where we go our separate ways," said Endymion. "I'm moving into my apartment!"

"Take me with you!" yelled Beryl.

"Sorry," said Endymion. "I'd have to put you on the lease, but you have bad credit."

Endymion left.

"Will we ever see him again?" asked Jadeite.

"I hope not," said Kunzite.

"Wait a minute, why are we all at my Earth house?" asked Nephrite. "I was coming here to go home. Stop following me."

"Sorry," said Beryl. "You created the Earth house with your Negapowers, did you not?"

"Errr…" said Nephrite.

"Then it's Negaverse property," concluded Beryl.

"Drat!" said Nephrite. "I always am one to follow the rules."

He opened the door, but he saw his house was torn to shreds.

"Alright," said Nephrite. "What gives?!"

He looked on the ground to see it was covered in a thin layer of snow.

Sitting on his couch, gnawing on his remote, was a lounging polar bear.

The polar bear flashed the peace sign, but his snarl said otherwise.

Nephrite shut the door.

"They must have found their way to my Earth home," he said grimly.

"Shoot!" said Kenji, who was with the pack because he wanted to move out and get away from his son Shingle.

"Hey," decided Kenji. "Can I borrow one of those polar bears? I'd like to plant one in my house for my son Shingle, and maybe Ikuko."

"You can try," said Nephrite. "I'm not going to stop you, if that's the question."

"Alright," said Kenji. "I'm going in."

But when he entered the room, it became a warzone.

A penguin threw itself at Kenji, and Kenji threw a punch, disposing of it.

He tackled the polar bear off its couch, and began wrestling it like one would wrestle a human.

They began trading blows, but unfortunately, the polar bear delivered more than Kenji could receive, and Kenji was swiftly put to an icy cold end.

"Foolish," said Kunzite.

"Anyone know another place to live?" asked Beryl.

* * *

The Shitennou and Beryl became squatters in ol' Starlight Tower.

"Hmm," said Nephrite. "What is this tower used for?"

"Evil," answered Kunzite.

"Hey!" yelled a Tokyo citizen, who worked for the government but was not a cop. "Are you punks squatters?"

"Yes," said Beryl. "What of it?"

"You can't squat here," said the man. "This is public property."

"Tell it to the New York Times," said Kunzite.

"Yeah," said Jadeite. "What is this, Australian rules?!"

The man was floored, and left without saying a word.

"Easy does it," said Zoisite. "If we keep this up, we can squat here forever. Let's make this the new Negaverse! We already turned it into a Negabuilding before."

"Hmm," said Beryl. "It's a little compact. And it's an obvious place for an evil HQ. The Sailors will spot it in an instant."

"No," said Nephrite. "There was a giant circus tent floating above Tokyo for an entire season, and no one thought anything about it despite the circus themed villains."

"Hey, I have a better idea!" said Jadeite. "There was this temple I once worked at, and it's very roomy! We could build a nice mansion there! All we have to do is get rid of its current residents! But they're probably dead of old age, anyway. The man who owns it is pretty much in the spirit world."

"Good idea," said Beryl. "I'm a fan of taking places over."

"Me too," said Jadeite. "I once took over a boat, a gym, a carnival, a radio studio…"

Jadeite faded off as he began reliving his wonderful memories. "An airport," he added.

"Let's go," said Beryl.

* * *

They all appeared at the Hikawa Shrine.

"Ah," said Beryl. "I know this place."

"We all do," said Zoisite sadly. "I once had a very hard battle here, probably the closest I had to a fight in my whole arc."

"What about Mamoru Chiba?" said Jed.

"Shut up," said Zoisite.

"Haha," said Jed. "I defeated Tuxedo Mask and you could not."

"I defeated an arctic fox and you could not!" yelled Zoisite, getting very angry.

"When did you defeat an arctic fox? You couldn't if you tried!" Then Jadeite laughed. "Just face it, I have more brute strength."

"Give it up," said Kunzite. "If you and Zoisite came to blows, you would meet your demise. That's why Zoisite's higher ranking, despite his lack of strength."

"Didn't Zoisite lose to a pack of crows?" asked Nephrite.

"Hey now!" said Zoisite. "Why did this become an attack Zoisite session?!"

"You're right," said Beryl. "We have business to do."

They walked up the temple steps, and felt the déjà vu kick in.

"We have done this many times," said Kunzite. "But this time things will go differently."

Beryl knocked on the door.

Yuuichirou answered.

That's when they heard a scream, and they all turned to see Kenji Tsukino sprinting up the steps.

He finally made it to the top, and threw a punch, toppling Yuuchirou.

While Yuuchirou was down, Kenji leapt into the air, and got ready to stomp down on Yuuchirou's heart.

But Yuuichirou went all the way, and leapt to his feet.

Kenji and Yuuichirou locked arms.

"It's over, Chady boy!" said Kenji.

"Shyaaaa yaaaa!" said Chad.

The Shitennou decided to let Kenji have his fight, and waited patiently.

However, it went on for too long, and Chad was starting to gain the upperhand due to his youth.

Zoisite fired a beam, killing Chad, but greatly injuring Kenji in the process.

Kenji fell to the floor.

"Are you okay?" asked Zoisite.

"That was nothing," scoffed Kenji, spitting.

He got to his feet and dusted off the dirt. "Let's go," he said.

But when they stormed inside, not a soul could be found.

"Not even the crows?" asked Zoisite.

"Odd," said Kunzite. "Very odd. Maybe Grandpa really did drop dead. Oh well."

They were all stunned that they did not have to fight the mighty Grandpa.

But they bounced back soon after, and decided to claim the temple.

"I claim this temple!" howled Kunzite. "FOR THE NEGAVERSE!"

"Yeah!" said Zoisite, when no one else clapped or responded.

Kunzite claimed the temple for the Negaverse, and Beryl set up a throne room in Grandpa's dojo.

Jadeite picked a random room and morphed it into a dark space where he could float.

"Good," said Jadeite. "This is all I need."

Nephrite set up an observatory in Rei's fire room, and everyone was content.

* * *

A week later, a bus rolled by at the top of the temple steps, and Grandpa hopped off.

"Goodbye, bus," he said.

The bus rolled away, and Grandpa took a step forward.

The two crows were on his shoulders, and they both let out squawks, sensing the dark presence.

Grandpa gasped, and did a double take.

In the place of his temple was some kind of Nega evil lair, that darkened the sky around it, and had lightning flashing above.

Grandpa just shook his head sadly.

He went into his dojo, which was now Beryl's throne room.

"Jadeite, report!" said Beryl.

But then she saw Grandpa, and all the color drained from her face.

She began ringing the temple bell to summon the others, and the Shitennou quickly showed up.

"Grandpa!" yelled Zoisite. "I thought you dropped dead?!"

"This is our temple now!" said Kunzite. "So buzz off, ya old coot!"

Jadeite tried to reason with the beast, and started speaking logic.

"You can have our old place," said Jadeite. "If you don't mind polar bears."

But that just angered Grandpa more.

"A man's temple is his temple," said Grandpa. "And the worst part is, there's no shrine girls here! And you know what they say! A shrine without girls is like a miso soup shop without miso soup!"

The Shitennou got in their fighting stances, and Beryl started charging her crystal ball.

That's when Kenji ran up and threw a dropkick, trying to surprise the old man.

But Grandpa saw it a mile away with his Ultra Instinct, and the kick flew past Grandpa's head.

Grandpa threw a quick jab, and Kenji was no more.

"Nooooooooo!" yelled Beryl.

She fired her best attack out of her crystal ball, but Grandpa put up his arms, blocking it.

The attack had so much force, Grandpa was pushed back a couple feet, but he sustained minimal damage.

Beryl tried to run, but her legs weren't used to physical activity.

Grandpa threw a quick kick, and Beryl dropped like a stone.

"Heh," said Kunzite. "You think this battle will go like it usually does, right you senile maniac?"

Grandpa tilted his head in curiosity.

"Well, I've got one trick up my sleeve!" yelled Kunzite.

He pulled out the Metalia pickle jar and released its contents.

"ARRRAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" yelled Metalia, latching onto Grandpa's face and trying to suffocate him.

But in his long, long, long life, Grandpa mastered breathing without breathing, and was simply not going down.

"It's not doing anything!" yelled Jadeite. "Everyone, get him!"

They took all four sides of Grandpa, and started throwing punches and kicks.

Zoisite started slashing him with a crystal, and Kunzite was throwing rapid kicks.

Grandpa threw his arms into the air, sending the Shitennou flying.

They all dropped, except for Kunzite, who was very near death.

"Metalia-sama!" he called. "Fuse with me!"

But Metalia couldn't keep it up anymore, and simply ceased to exist.

"NO!" said Kunzite.

He threw a cyclone punch, but Grandpa knew how to counter any cyclone punch, and countered the cyclone punch.

He threw a punch into Kunzite's stomach, ending him.

Grandpa snapped his fingers, and his temple resumed its normal form.

"GG," he said.

That's when an arctic fox scampered in, the very one that had made peace with Jadeite, and released its fangs, going right for Grandpa's neck.

But Grandpa had no neck, so the arctic fox skidded to a halt and tried to skitter away.

But Grandpa grabbed it by the tail.

"A wise guy, eh?" said Grandpa.

He released an ounce of divine energy, and the arctic fox was gone and so was its species.

"Global warming is a travesty," said Grandpa, taking out his broom.

FIN


	209. You Need Beta

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Hush now, young one," said Beryl. "I'm writing my FF."

"FF?" questioned Jadeite.

Beryl sighed. "Fanfiction. You have a lot to learn."

"Ah!" said Jadeite. "What's it about?"

"Have you seen the American cartoon, The Amazing World of Gumball?" asked Beryl.

"No," said Jadeite. "I don't watch kiddie cartoons."

"Well, that would have nothing to do with you not watching The Amazing World of Gumball, since it's designed for all ages," said Beryl angrily.

"What channel is it on?" said Jed.

"Cartoon Network," scoffed Beryl.

"Adult Swim?" asked Jadeite hopefully.

"Well, no…" said Beryl. "But I don't need to explain myself to you!"

"Heh," chuckled Jadeite. "Kiddie show."

"Do you want an eternal boy?" asked Beryl.

"No," said Jed.

"Then I suggest you learn the value of my favorite show," stated Beryl. "Now be gone with you."

"Seeya," said Jeddo.

* * *

Jadeite hopped on the Negacomputer in the Negacomputer lounge.

"Time to write my fanfiction," he said.

Jadeite typed vigorously, and then finished his story.

"Bon appetite," he said. "Now to bother someone to read my story."

Jadeite roamed the Negaverse until he spotted an unlucky straggler.

"Ah, Zoisite!" said Jadeite. "Time to read my fanfiction!"

"No," said Zoisite. "I have better things to do than read your baby story."

"No," said Jadeite. "It wasn't a question."

Jadeite captured Zoisite, and sat him at a computer.

"Fine," said Zoisite. "You're lucky Kunzite's MIA today."

"Haha," said Jadeite. "Now get to reading, big boy."

"Grrr," said Zoisite.

Zoisite read slowly. "Hmm…" he said. "What is this?"

"Ah," said Jadeite. "I'm glad you asked. It's a tragedy, and a hurt/comfort, about Blue's Clues, that takes place ten years after the final arc of the show."

"Ah, I remember Blue's Clues," said Zoisite. "But why would an adult man write a story about that?"

"Shut up," said Jadeite. "It's obviously written as a comedy. The real sad sacks are the people who write serious stories about it, or any other kids' show like Thomas the Tank Engine or Jimmy Neutron."

"Hmm," said Zoisite. "It seems like there's better things for those people to do with their time."

"Yes," said Jadeite. "How could a grown man write seriously about a show for younglings? My story is just like a satire."

"Now that you explained that, it is quite funny," admitted Zoisite. "I didn't know how to feel since it was apparently a tragedy but you were putting everything so bluntly, almost like you didn't care at all about the characters."

"Exactly," said Jed. "This is a story where they have to put down Blue because he gets rabies, and it spreads to all the other characters so they have to put them down too. They have to put down Magenta, and recycle the salt shakers, essentially killing them. I called it, Ol' Blue, as a reference to Ol' Yeller, since they both sound like colors."

"Wow," said Zoisite in awe. "Good one."

Zoisite continued to read a line out loud from Jadeite's story.

"'No, I want to live,' said Magenta. 'Sorry,' said Jimmy. 'But it's the way it has to be.' Magenta threw a headbutt, but the cruel vet spiked her to the ground. Then the vet threw a grenade, ending Magenta forever. 'WHHHYYYYY?!' cried Jimmy. 'I didn't want it to be this way!' The salt shaker got mad. 'This is your fault, Jimmy! You should have kept Blue on a leash and he wouldn't have got the rabies!' Jimmy was crying. 'Shut up!' yelled Jimmy. 'You talking object!' But the salt shaker was livid. It threw salt in Jimmy's eyes, but Jimmy smashed his hand down like a hammer, killing the salt shaker. 'That's bad luck,' said the vet. Jimmy threw a punch, but the vet deflected it, and tossed Jimmy across the room."

Zoisite stopped reading. "Good stuff," he said.

"Thanks," said Jadeite.

"Hey, it looks like you got a review," noticed Zoisite.

"Wow," said Jadeite. "Who actually reads this garbage?"

Jadeite read the review out loud. "Really excited to see where this goes, but this needs to be beta and more dialogue."

"Wait, what?" laughed Zoisite. "It needs to be better?"

"No," said Jadeite. "They said it needs to be beta."

"What does that mean?" asked Zoisite.

"I haven't the slightest clue," said Jadeite. "I'm actually deeply confused. It needs to be… beta?"

"Like a beta reader?" pondered Zoisite.

"No," said Jadeite. "They would have said beta reader if they meant that, or they would have said, 'this needs A beta.' Or 'this needs beta' if they were a bit poor at English. But 'this needs to BE beta?' It doesn't even make sense."

"Why is this young boy here looking for serious Blue's Clues tragedies?" asked Zoisite. "Why is he looking through the Blue's Clues section in general?"

"I don't know," said Jadeite. "There's obviously something very wrong with him. But I can't shake the feeling that I need to be beta."

"Just remove that foolish man's comment," scoffed Zoisite.

"Sadly, you can't," said Jadeite. "Fanfiction is a site for people who can't write to criticize others, and if you have an account, which all you need is an email for, you can basically spam people."

"I don't understand why people write mean reviews," said Zoisite. "Why do you need to make some kid feel bad about their writing? Just don't read the story, or maybe get a life somehow."

"Amen, my son," said Jadeite. "But you can't be taken seriously with your criticism if you're reading a Jimmy Neutron fanfiction, because obviously you're some kind of man-child, like anyone over the age of eight who watches the show Clarence."

"Hmm," said Zoisite. "I once visited the Clarence Wiki Reddit out of curiosity, and was shocked to learn that there were grown men who discuss episodes about this mentally… er, handicapped child. Like who has the time of day?!"

"Sick world we live in," said Jadeite. "Hey, one time someone left 20 spam messages on one of my fanfictions in gibberish, and I reported them but they weren't removed because fanfiction seems to always favor the commentor over the writer, even if the commentor can't even produce literate sentences."

"Sad," said Zoisite. "It should be like YouTube, where you can just remove comments on your own work since there's really no point in having negative comments anyway, especially from the illiterate."

"Well, I have a lot of thinking to do, wee one," said Jadeite. "Since I can't delete the comment, I must uncover its meaning. Farewell."

"Good luck," said Zoisite.

* * *

Jadeite paced the halls.

"This needs to be beta," Jadeite repeated. "Is he saying it's so good that I should become a beta? Or is he perhaps suggesting I should get a beta reader? No, that can't be it. The grammar is just too far gone."

Jadeite continued to roam and ponder for many hours on end.

"This needs to be beta," Jadeite said once more.

"Hey!" yelled Nephrite. "What are you doing in my house!? Are you just pacing my hall?"

"Quiet," said Jadeite. "I'm thinking. Go to your vending machine, old guy."

Jadeite tossed Nephrite his wallet.

"Maybe I will," said Nephrite angrily.

Nephrite left.

Jadeite left.

Jadeite decided it was time to beta.

* * *

After much consideration, Jadeite hired a beta reader.

"It can't hurt," he said.

"Hello," said Motoki. "I will be your beta reader. Please send me all your stories before you upload them."

"Thanks!" said Jadeite. "Here's my first 200 chapters."

"Sorry," said the beta. "Only one a day, please."

"Grrrr," said Jadeite. "Fine."

Jadeite sent Motoki chapter 1.

"Alright," said Motoki. "Hopefully I'll get to that in a week from now."

Motoki fled.

"Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr," said Jadeite.

* * *

A week passed, and Motoki returned Jed's story.

"Ah," said Jed. "It's perfect, right?"

Motoki shook his head, but Jadeite could not see this over the computer screen.

"Sorry, but you have a long way to go," said Motoki.

"No?" said Jadeite. "This Blue's Clues story is just your typical tragedy."

"Hmm," said Motoki. "I'm inclined to believe what you say, but the overall tone of the story suggests otherwise. You seem to have no empathy in your writing, and the majority of the story is short sentences. It's almost like you're trying to be comical over things that none should laugh about."

"Wait," said Jadeite. "You think Blue getting put down is comical?"

"Heavens no," said Motoki. "And I believe you don't either. But your primitive writing style may come across to some readers as sarcastic, or cruel. I suggest more dialogue, and perhaps some first person narratives to really let the reader feel for the character."

"Alright, I'll take your suggestions into consideration during the final draft," said Jadeite.

"Mmmm," said Motoki. "I'd suggest in the scene where Magenta tries to headbutt the vet, that it perhaps be removed, or have a lot more detail added. The way in which it was written seems very silly, and almost like you're purposely trying to make it silly."

"Wrong," said Jadeite. "I'm just writing a tragedy. You're just reading it wrong because you're a heartless man."

"Ouch," said Motoki. "I just think that for as sad as this scene truly is, especially with a character we've all come to love so much from the canon material, that you brush over it a little too quickly. You should really express Magenta's desperate attempts to cling to life in a serious and dark manner, with mature vocabulary. What if, instead of throwing a headbutt, she gets down on her knees and prays?"

"Sorry," said Jadeite. "But I'm the author here. You're just beta. I'll write this however I want."

"As you wish," said Motoki. "But just know that I'm a trusted staff on the fanfiction website. You should take my suggestions seriously, because I've beta'd many stories."

"Ah!" said Jadeite. "Do you have a degree in beta?"

"No," said Motoki. "Just a lot of experience."

"Hmm," said Jadeite. "Sounds like you just have a lot of time on your hands, if you're going around reading Jimmy Neutron fanfictions. You man-child."

"Huh?" said Motoki.

Jadeite closed the chat, and posted his chapter.

* * *

"Jadeite," said Kunzite himself, knocking on Jadeite's wall.

"Ah, what brings you here?" asked Jadeite. "Frankly I didn't know you knew I existed."

"Hmm," said Kunzite. "There's a man on the computer who keeps spamming your Discord server, asking for your next chapter."

"Ah," said Jadeite. "That's just my beta. My chapter is on the desktop of the 4th Negacomputer, just send that to the guy and tell him to post it when he's done."

"Alright," said Kunzite.

"And," said Jadeite. "Remind him not to make any changes without asking me."

"Right," said Kunzite.

Kunzite headed back to the lounge.

Endymion was sitting at the computer Kunzite had been on, even though there were 10 empty computers.

"Jerk," said Kunzite.

He walked over to the beta, Motoki.

"Here you go," he said. "Jadeite said not to make any changes."

"Can do!" said Motoki. "I'll just make minor grammar fixes!"

"Okay," said Kunzite.

Kunzite left.

* * *

Jadeite checked the reviews for his story.

There was one new one.

"Wow!" it said. "Your story has matured greatly, and I shed three tears whilest reading. I'm glad this became beta."

Jadeite reported the comment despite knowing it wouldn't help.

"Ah," said Jadeite. "I'm glad this commentor figured out that I'm completely serious during the story, and truly writing a sad tragedy."

He went to reread his chapter, but something was off.

"NO!" said Jadeite. "What is this?! This is so serious! This was supposed to be a joke! Now a bunch of weird man children will think this is an actual tragedy!"

Jadeite stormed onto his Discord channel.

"Stop posting memes," he told some rowdy internet boys.

Then Jed took to his DM's.

"Hey!" he messaged Motoki. "What did you do to my story, you punk!?"

"Oh, I just fixed it up a bit," said Motoki. "Made it sound more tragic and improved the writing style."

"You idiot!" said Jadeite. "It's not supposed to be tragic! It's supposed to be a comedy!"

"Ah," said Motoki. "Then you should have put the comedy tag."

"No!" said Jadeite. "That's the joke! It's a jab at people looking for serious tragedies!"

"I wish I hadn't heard that," said Motoki. "It is not right to misuse genres. You could get your story removed that way! Also, I noticed you marked your story as K+, however, there are some mature scenes and adult topics. I switched it to M for you."

"What?! NO!" said Jadeite. "M stories don't come up unless you change the filters! And only pervs do that! Also, my story can't get taken down for putting the wrong genre, since you can't prove that I didn't write it as a tragedy!"

"Screenshotted," said queer Motoki.

"Also," ranted Jadeite. "You took out the scene where Paprika spills herself out to end her life, and just replaced it with Paprika learning to cope in a 40 paragraph internal monologue!"

"Ah," said Motoki. "The way you phrased it as, 'Took her own life by shaking herself out like one would shake out a paprika shaker if the paprika had gone bad,' completely ruined the tone of the story."

"It's MYYY story!" yelled Jadeite. "If there's two things I hate in this world, it's altering masterpieces, and young boys posting memes not in the memes channel! Because I'm a big Discord stickler with nothing better to do than boss around young boys who for some reason can't find another channel that lets them post memes wherever!"

"I'm sorry," said Motoki, after it said he had been typing for 2 minutes, yet he only typed two words. "But I cannot work under these conditions. I suggest you get a new beta, one who does not care about the quality of the story."

"I'll get YOU a new beta!" yelled Jadeite. "A beta to bury you once I spill you out like a paprika shaker but instead of paprika it's your organs!"

"Yes!" said Motoki. "This is how you should write your stories! With this much emotion!"

Jadeite blocked Motoki, and hired a new beta, this time a beta team.

Jadeite sat down with the team in the Shitennou meeting room.

"Hello, beta team," said Jadeite. "I am your alpha, and here is the next chapter for my Blue's Clues tragedy."

"Hey," said Melvin. "Did you hear someone actually fired their beta? It's unheard of!"

"Yeah," said Jadeite. "I'm the one who did it."

Melvin gasped, and there were a couple other collective gasps.

"Don't worry," said Jadeite. "I won't have to fire you if you behave like a proper beta, and don't alter my work in any way except minor errors and suggestions I won't take."

"Right," vowed Motoki's sister.

"Let's see the story!" said Grandpa.

Jadeite handed everyone a copy of the printed out story.

"Hmm," said Kenji eating toast. "Excellent tale. Very funny."

"Wait a second," said Melvin. "I thought this was a tragedy."

"It is," said Jadeite.

"No," said Melvin. "This clearly has a sarcastic tone throughout. Do you take me for a fool?"

"Wrong," said Jadeite. "I just don't like writing big sentences. I like to give the truth head-on, and leave it to the audience to imagine the details."

"I don't know about that," said Melvin, reexamining the story.

"This line here," said Ami Mizuno. "And I quote, 'Then the mailbox did a flyby, grabbing Jimbo by the arms and sending him through a wall. He battered Jimmy Jim until he was just a carcass, but Jimmy's OC son ran in, who was also named Jimmy, and took out a bat and broke the mailbox, disposing of him like one would dispose of trash. 'I'll be the new Jimmy,' said Jimmy. But that's when he died of a heart attack, ending the family line. 'Ayroooouuuuu!' yelled Jimbo in anguish. He entered the spirit realm like one would enter a carnival ride that they were a little spooked of riding, and there he was reunited with Blue. 'Blue!' said Jimmy with glee. 'I'm glad you will be by my side once more!' Blue threw a leaping kick, and then threw a double overhead mallet punch with his two sets of legs, leaving a BLUE CLUE on Jimmy's corpse. 'L L L L,' scoffed Blue. 'Dumb shitter.'"

Ami stopped reading.

"That was more than a line," said Jadeite. "And what is your point, young one?"

"I mean," said Ami. "Do I really need to elaborate? Just listen to that!"

"Yes, you do," said Jadeite. "You are beta."

Ami began to elaborate, but Jadeite fired her mid-elaboration.

"NOOOOOO!" cried Ami. She pulled out a knife and let her life slip down the drain like someone rinsing their mouth with mouthwash.

"This is good," said Shingle reading the story and laughing.

"Thank you," said Jadeite. "See, a boy your age is the only person it would make sense to be reading a Blue's Clues story."

"Shut up," said Shingle. "I'm a big kid."

"Wrong," said Jadeite. "Then you wouldn't be reading Blue's Clues fanfiction."

"I'm just a beta, okay?" said Shingle.

"This story needs more toast," said Kenji randomly. "How about Jimmy eats one after he gets to the great beyond?"

"Good suggestion," said Jadeite. "I wish all the others on the team would make suggestions like you."

"I have a suggestion," said Motoki's sister. "What if you add some romance, perhaps between Blue and Magenta?"

"They are dead," said Jadeite. "No romance."

"I know," said Motoki's sister. "But I was thinking something Romeo and Juliet-esque, before they die."

"No," said Jadeite. "They're just dogs."

"But-!" said Motoki's sister.

"Next," said Jadeite.

"Well," said Ms. Haruna. "Being a teacher, there were a lot of spelling errors here. So I fixed them."

"Good work, beta goon," said Jadeite. "That's the only thing your kind is good for."

Jadeite finished uploading all of his chapters within the next few weeks.

He waited anxiously for reviews but they were all spam and salty kids with too much time on their hands.

Jadeite reported them all, and then shut down his own fanfiction account.

"I can't take the criticism," he decided. "Too harsh here. Time to go to Wattpad."

FIN


	210. Jadeite Finally Gets Energy!

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Then what happened?" asked Shingle.

"Nothing important," said Kenji, concluding his fishing story.

He put some bait on his belt, and cast it into the ocean.

"Thanks for taking me fishing, Papa," said Shingle Tsukino.

"Ho ho ho," said Kenji. "There's nothing better than a father/son fishing trip."

"Why aren't you using a fishing rod?" asked Shingle.

"Shut up, boy," said Kenji, taking out a piece of toast that he had in his pocket and eating it. "If you knew fishing like I knew fishing, you would not have asked such a foolish question."

"Sorry, Papa," said Shingle.

They floated in the middle of the lake.

"Papa," said Shingle. "But why a belt? It doesn't even go deep enough for fish."

Kenji raised his hand to backhand Shingle, but held the hand back with his other hand.

"Watch it, boy," said Kenji. "You're testing my patience."

"Sorry," said Shingle, shrinking down.

Shingo waited on the boat, holding his line, when suddenly he felt a tug.

"AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" yelled Shingo.

"Easy boy!" said Kenji. "Just reel 'er in!"

"Alright, I'll do my best, Papa," said Shingle, not wanting to let his Papa down.

Shingo fought the fish for four hours, but his small arms soon got tired, and the fish got away.

"I think it got away," said Shingo quietly.

"What?!" said Kenji. "NOOOOOO! You rotten boy! I hate you! Curse you, son!"

Shingle started to cry. "I thought fishing was supposed to be fun," he whimpered.

"You're lucky," said Kenji. "If my belt wasn't catching a fish, I'd use it to end your puny life."

That's when Kenji felt a tug, and reeled in a big boy.

"Ho ho!" yelled Kenji, yanking the fish from the water. "A whopper!"

But as he hoisted the fish high into the air, because he was not wearing his belt, his pants dropped to the floor, revealing his trousers.

Shingle let out a loud guffaw. "Hahaha!" he laughed.

Kenji had no choice but to murder him.

Kenji swung his belt, wrapping Shingle by the neck.

He swung his belt high into the air, and slammed it down like a hammer, taking Shingo for a ride while choking him.

"Papa, please!" yelled Shingle.

But Kenji was relentless.

He reeled Shingo in like a small fry, and started throwing punches.

It took 120 punches for Shingo to finally drop, and that's when Kenji released his belt from his neck.

Kenji put his belt back on, and threw the corpse overboard where it could never be found.

"Goodbye, son," he said with no remorse.


End file.
